Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, April 24

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a Kansas man, who seeks to hide `murder' tattoo before trial Details at International Bonehead Awards From the History section at the bottom: Today, in 1990 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral, FL. It was carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."
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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ------------------------ Sounds like Hopkins is one of the Global Warming "scientists".
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Thanks to Lilly for this story: During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seventeen taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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Reported by Walter the Stonecarver An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Chapman, GREAT BEND, Kan. Kansas man seeks to hide `murder' tattoo before trial A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word "murder" across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. Prosecutors say they aren't opposed to Jeffrey Chapman covering his tattoo, but Barton County's sheriff says he's against transporting Chapman to a licensed tattoo facility -- the only places tattoo artists are allowed to practice under Kansas law. The Great Bend Tribune reports Chapman's trial is scheduled to start Monday in the November 2011 killing of Damon Galliart, whose body was found by hunters in a roadside ditch southwest of Great Bend. Chapman's attorney says in a motion the tattoo would be extremely prejudicial if seen by a jury. Tech Support Pits From: Ellen Re: Cleaning a keyboard Dear Webby What is the best way to clean a keyboard? My husband's keyboard is starting to look utterly disgusting with everything from pizza to cake permanently attached to it. Thanks Ellen Dear Ellen Whack it upside down on a paper covered table or sidewalk to shake crumbs and paperclips and French Fries out. Then take a soft bath sponge and hot soapy water and while somebody holds the keyboard upside down, scrub it thoroughly with the sponge. After that, just let it drip dry in the sun. If you scrubbed hard enough, it will be like new. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Apple to Relieve Heartburn If you feel that you have heartburn, eat an apple. Works better than Tums or Rolaids. The acid in the apple neutralizes the acid in your throat, relieving the pain. I have reflux disease and this remedy was told to me by a Gastroenterologist. I find that it works very well. You may have to try different types of apples to find the one that works best for you. For me, it's "Pink Ladies", but with you, it might be "Macintosh" or "Granny Smiths". By W. ( Wally ) Lefebvre [2] Check out ThriftyFun's Blog
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

>From Ed My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." "Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has nothing standing in his way."

» Desert Air

Today in 
1519 Envoys of Montezuma II attended the first Easter mass 
 in Central America.
1547 Charles V's troops defeated the Protestant League of 
 Schmalkalden at the battle of Muhlburg.
1558 Mary, Queen of Scotland, married the French dauphin, 
 Francis.
1805 The U.S. Marines attacked and captured the town of 
 Derna in Tripoli.
1833 A patent was granted for first soda fountain.
1877 Russia declared war on the Ottoman Empire.
1877 In the U.S., federal troops were ordered out of 
 New Orleans. This was the end to the North's post-Civil War 
 rule in the South.
1884 Otto von Bismarck cabled Cape Town that South Africa 
 was now a German colony.
1889 The Edison General Electric Company was organized.
1898 Spain declared war on the U.S., rejecting America's 
 ultimatum for Spain to withdraw from Cuba.
1915 During World War I, the Ottoman Turkish Empire began 
 the mass deportation of Armenians.
1916 Irish nationalists launched the Easter Rebellion against 
cBritish occupation forces. They were overtaken several 
 days later.
1944 The first B-29 arrived in China, over the Hump of the 
 Himalayas.
1961 U.S. President Kennedy accepted "sole responsibility" 
 following Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.
1962 MIT sent a TV signal by satellite for the first time.
1967 Soviet astronaut Vladimir Komarov died when his craft 
 crashed with a tangled parachute.
1967 The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts.
1970 The People's Republic of China launched its first satellite.
1973 Albert Sabin reported that herpesviruses were factors in 
 nine kinds of cancer.
1989 Thousands of students began striking in Beijing.
1990 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape 
 Canaveral, FL. It was carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble 
 Space Telescope.
2014  smiled.
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