Good Morning, !

Today is Tuesday, February 19

Dear Bonita!
Thank you very much for your help!!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Drunk driver tries to dance his way 
out of an arrest

______________________________________________________
Today, February 19 in
1945 During World War II, about 30,000 U.S. Marines landed on Iwo
Jima. 
More of today in history at History
______________________________________________________



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Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving
 your talent to people who have none.
--- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910) 

Either the United States will destroy ignorance or ignorance will
 destroy the United States.
--- W.E.B. Du Bois, 
Speech at Harpers Ferry, Virginia, August 1906 
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group
of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of
age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting
the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that
dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie
will get to keep the dog."

The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a
contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-
minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's
a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend
was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest
boy gave a deep sigh and said, 
"All right, the Rev wins the dog."

_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store! clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in
aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when
we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard Ass."

______________________________________________________



"God's Hands Bridge" in Vietnam.
When we think of Vietnam we usually think of Vietcong and
Communists. Seeing the "God's Hands Bridge" is very surprising.

_____________________________________________________


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___________________________________________________




An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD 
has been earned by

Christopher Larson, 
33,
Holiday,
Florida

Drunk driver tries to dance his way 
out of an arrest

Christopher Larson, 33, was confronted by a police deputy in
Holiday, Florida who found him sleeping behind the wheel of his
running truck with his foot on the brake. Larson appears to bust
out some fancy dance moves to evade arrest   but needless to say,
the deputy was not impressed.

According to police, Larson was found to have had a .28 blood
alcohol content (BAC), which is triple the legal limit in
Florida, which is .08. When the officer found Larson asleep
behind the wheel, he knocked on the window and shouted for some
time before he finally woke up, according to Fox 13.

At that time, Larson seemed disorientated and waved to the police
officer, the arrest report says. When Larson got out of his
truck, he did not realize that it was still running and it began
to roll forward. The officer was able to jump in just in time to
stop it from hitting a gate it was idling in front of. The deputy
administered a field sobriety test and asked Larson to complete
some simple tasks to demonstrate his motor control   but instead
Larson busted a couple moves.

'This gentleman started to not take it seriously. He started
dancing and while some citizens may find that funny, we don't at
the sheriff's office. When asked to walk a straight line, Larson
begins side-stepping and bouncing in the manner of a man who is
unaware he is about to be taken to jail.

The deputy asks Larson if he is 'complete with the exercise,' but
he just mumbles and continues his shuffle. He was eventually
arrested and told the deputy that he thought he was in
Clearwater, Florida   not Holiday. Larson later spoke with Fox 13
and said he would not call what he did in the video dancing and
would not comment on the arrest.




From: Charles
Re: Cookies and Passwords


Dear DearWebby,
Every time I delete the cookies, all my passwords
are gone. Is there a way around that ?
Charles

Dear Charles
That is a safety feature that allows you to clean
the passwords from the auto-complete if you have to
go away from your machine or go on holidays.

Just get yourself a little prayer book and write your
passwords into that. Burglars or anybody trying to
break into your machine are unlikely to even look at
your little prayer book.

For really high security leave off the last two letters
from every password. By having the first part, you will
easily enough remember the last two letters.

I used to use RoboForm for many years. Then they stole all my
passwords, 
and got promptly nuked off all of my machines.

Since then I use DashLane

Have Fun!
DearWebby




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Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a
few days of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the
edge of the pool and throw them fish?   



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I can't come in to work today because--
 
"My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in
after them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."
 
"I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."
 
"My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."
 
"I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing
fine."
 
"I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I no longer own a car."
 
"I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You
don't want me there today. Trust me."

___________________________________________________

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____________________________________________________





The Shirk Report

___________________________________________________

"Doctor, Doctor, my child just swallowed a pen. What should I
do?"

"Use a pencil, Next."

"Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"

"Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I
do?"

"Well, for a start, don't point him at me. Next."


"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a deck of cards."

"I'll deal with you later. Next!"


"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains"

" Well pull yourself together then. Next."


"Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow."
"Don't let people push you around. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I
feel like a wig-wam."
"You're too tense. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I just wanted to let you know that there is an 
invisible man in your waiting room"
"Tell him I can't see him now. Next."

"Doctor, am I going to die?"
"That's the last thing you're going to do Next." 

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep."
"Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up
another 
point?"
"Sell! Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I take when I get run down?"
"The license number. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking."
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a
kleptomaniac. "
"Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon."
"Sit there and don't stir. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball."
"Get back in the queue. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you."
"I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge."
"What's come over you?"
"Two cars, a truck and a coach."

"Doctor, Doctor, should I file my nails?"
"No. Throw them away like everybody else. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what would you take for this cold?"
"Make me an offer. Next."

"Doctor! Doctor! Everywhere I touch myself it hurts.See? Ouch!
Ouch!"
"Your finger is broken. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've developed a split personality. "
"Okay, go chase yourself. Next"

"Doctor, Doctor, nobody ever listens to me."
"Next"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me."
"One at a time, please. Next!"

"Doctor, Doctor, how long will I live?"
"You should live to be eighty."
"I am eighty."
"What did I tell you? Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for my head?"
"No thanks, I've already got one. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I do? I can't sleep at night."
"Sleep during the day. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, this ointment you gave me makes my arm smart." .
"Then rub some on your head? Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, how can I avoid falling hair?"
"Step to one side. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, my hair is coming out. What can you give me to
keep it in?"
"A cigar box. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, there's something wrong with my stomach."
"Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice it. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, there's a man outside with a wooden leg named
Smith."
"What's the name of his other leg? Next."

Doc, don't you think I should get a second opinion?"
"Sure. Come back tomorrow. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm feeling a bit schizophrenic. "
"That makes four of us. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got a bad liver."
"Well, take it back to the butcher. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I get this terrible pain in my back every time I
bend over."
"Then don't bend over, Next."

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting things!"
"When did this start happening?"
"When did what start happening?"

"Doctor, Doctor, you're charging me ten dollars and all you did
was paint my throat."
'What did you expect for ten dollars - wallpaper? Next"

"Doctor, Doctor, you've gotta do something for me. I snore so
loudly that I wake myself up."
"In that case, sleep in another room. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, is it a boy?"
"Well, the one in the middle is. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts."
"Be glad you're not a herring. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain."
"Why's that?"
"My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it."

"Doc, what's the difference between an itch and an allergy?"
"About twenty-five dollars. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. I've
got the oddest collection of symptoms."
"Have you had it before?"
"Yes."
"Well, you've got it again. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what's your best suggestion for this terrible
bad breath of mine?"
"Lockjaw. Next."

___________________________________________________

The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher 
of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he 
drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the 
church, "How did you like the new pastor?"

"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw 
that was powered by water."

___________________________________________________


Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the
double opt-in confirmation request.


Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an
oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"
on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what
word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,
"Canoe?"

___________________________________________________



Today February 19 in
1846 The formal transfer of government between Texas and the
United States took place. Texas had officially become a state on
December 29, 1845. 

1856 The tintype camera was patented by Professor Hamilton L.
Smith. 

1878 Thomas Alva Edison patented a music player (the phonograph).


1881 Kansas became the first state to prohibit all alcoholic
beverages. 

1942 U.S. President Roosevelt signed an executive order giving
the military the authority to relocate and intern Japanese-
Americans. 

1942 Approximately 150 Japanese warplanes attacked the Australian
city of Darwin. 

1945 During World War II, about 30,000 U.S. Marines landed on Iwo
Jima. 

1959 Cyprus was granted its independence with the signing of an
agreement with Britain, Turkey and Greece. 

1963 The Soviet Union informed U.S. President Kennedy it would
withdraw "several thousand" of its troops from Cuba. 

1981 The U.S. State Department called El Savador a "textbook
case" of a Communist plot. 

1981 Ford Motor Company announced its loss of $1.5 billion. 

1985 Mickey Mouse was welcomed to China as part of the 30th
anniversary of Disneyland. The touring mouse played 30 cities in
30 days. 

1985 William Schroeder became the first artificial-heart patient
to leave the confines of the hospital. 

1985 Cherry Coke was introduced by the Coca-Cola Company. 

1986 The U.S. Senate approved a treaty outlawing genocide. The
pact had been submitted 37 years earlier for ratification. 

1986 The Soviet Union launched the Mir space station. 

1987 A controversial, anti-smoking publice service announcement
aired for the first time on television. Yul Brynner filmed the ad
shortly before dying of lung cancer. Brynner made it clear in the
ad that he would have died from cigarette smoking before ad
aired. 

1997 Deng Xiaoping of China died at the age of 92. He was the
last of China's major revolutionaries. 

2002 NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft began using its thermal
emission imaging system to map Mars. 

2004 Former Enron Corp. chief executive Jeffrey Skilling was
charged with fraud, insider trading and other crimes in
connection with the energy trader's collapse. Skilling was later
convicted and sentenced to more than 24 years in prison. 

2005 The USS Jimmy Carter was commissioned at Groton, CT. It was
the last of the Seawolf class of attack submarines. 

2008 Fidel Castro resigned the Cuban presidency. His brother Raul
was later named as his successor.

2019  smiled.


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, that's all for today.



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