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Good Morning, !
Thank you, Nancy!
Today is Fiday, Friday, March 31
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the
troops!
___________________________________________________
History: Today in
1994. "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of
Australppithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The
finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor.
____________________________________________________
Bonehead Award:
ARREST REPORT: Three Time Legal Limit.
_____________________________________________
Q
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman
makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
--- Joan Rivers (1935 - )
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
--- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
________________________________________________
What do you mean, 'leering?'
Her boobs are obstructing my view.
__________________________________________
To err is human. To really mess up, one needs
a computer.... or an absence of a mind.
___________________________________________________
If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it!
___________________________________________________
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin
or were announced in a church service:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending
the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm --prayer and
medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
___________________________________________________
"What She Says: What She Really Means:"
"We need" I want
"This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house
"I want new curtains" and carpet, and
furniture, and ...
"I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the
wrong color
"I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the
sale items
"Those are a bargain"
Did you bring your checkbook ?
"Does this dress look OK ?" I need a new wardrobe
"Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out ?
"You're so attentive tonight" Is sex all you ever
think about ?
"It's just... I'm soooo tired"
Get away from me, you crazy sex maniac
"It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you
crazy maniac
"Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you crazy
maniac
"Are the kids asleep?"
Get away from me, you crazy maniac
"Won't you be late for work ?"
Get away from me, you crazy maniac
"Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby
today
"Of course I like making love"
Is this gonna take much longer ?
"You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower
"You have such a manly scent" For Lord's sake. Use
some deodorant
"My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob
"So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your
underwear
"I'm not upset !" Of course I'm upset, you moron
"I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you
married an idiot
"I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're
that stupid
"Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're
that stupid
"I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're
that stupid
"Nothing is wrong" Other than you're such
an butthole
"Hang the picture there" NO -- there ! Can't you
listen ?
"Hon, I hate to interrupt..." Turn off the damn TV
"When you get a chance ..." Get up & do it right now !
"When you get time ... " Get up & do it right now !
"I just remembered ..." Get up & do it right now !
"No hurry, but ..." Get up & do it right now !
"Did you lock the front door ?" Get up & go check, now !
"I think I heard a noise" Get up & go check, now !
_________________________________________________
River Kingfisher
____________________________________________________
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
____________________________________________________
Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and
wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain
until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with
an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided
to copy it.
You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book,
a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase:
"To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."
____________________________________________________
Mountain Bluebird. Kneehill County, AB. March 29/23
____________________________________________________
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection
plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill
from his pocket and dropped it in.
Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder
and handed him a $20 bill.
The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it
on, admiring that the man was being generous.
Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a
whisper:
"Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen
out of your pocket."
___________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported
by Rock
Marissa Kohl,
Delray Beach,
Florida,
USA
ARREST REPORT: Three Time Legal Limit.
A Delray Beach woman is facing a DUI charge after she
allegedly told a police dispatcher that she left the area of
an alleged domestic dispute in Uber because she had been
drinking, but returned to the scene and left in her own car.
She was later stopped in the area of 3911 West Atlantic
Avenue in Delray Beach.
The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office says Marissa Kohl of
Stirling Bridge Blvd. North in Delray Beach eventually had
issues completing a field sobriety test, then provided breath
samples that registered .253 and .244. The legal limit in
Florida is .08.
Wrote an arresting officer: When I originally made contact
with Kohl at the address listed above she had glossy eyes and
would slur her speech while she was talking to me. Kohl had
the odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage coming from her
breath. During the traffic stop approximately an hour later I
observed the same indicators from Kohl, her eyes were still
glossy, she was slurring her speech and the odor of an
alcoholic beverage was still present. While speaking with
Kohl at the rear of her vehicle she was unsteady on her feet
and tried to lean against her car for balance.
Kohl was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail on Tuesday
evening, then released Wednesday on her own recognizance. A
court date is pending.
_________________________________________________
DearWebby's Tech Support Pits
From: Claire
Re: Why PDF?
Dear DearWebby
Why PDF? I think it is a real pain in the nuisance.
Why can't people use text or doc or HTML?
Claire
Dear Claire
PDF ensures that no matter what kind of printer you use, the
document will look the same. Once upon a time, when most
peop-le used different dot-matrix printer, that was
important.
Today's printers accomplsh the same or more. For example you
can select "Print to fit" and it will shrink or enlarge a
page to just fit your seleted paper.
While that excuse is no longer valid, many companies still
use it.
Another reason for PDF is that it is basically a picture.
That makes it difficult to mark a bill "PAID" or edit the
amounts due.
"Difficult", not impossible. We have many programs nowadays,
that allow you to edit PDF files.
Modern PDF allows you to make forms with editable fields.
You can enter your name, for example, and your address, but
you can not edit the small print.
While I agree that PDF files can be a real nuisance, they
are not going to go away anytime soon.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
_____________________________________________________
Today, March 31 in
1492. King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain issued the
Alhambra edict expelling Jews who were unwilling to convert
to Christianity.
1776. Abigail Adams wrote to her husband John that women were
"determined to foment a rebellion" if the new Declaration of
Independence failed to guarantee their rights.
1779. Russia and Turkey signed a treaty concerning military
action in Crimea.
1831. Quebec and Montreal were incorporated as cities.
1854. The U.S. government signed the Treaty of Kanagawa with
Japan. The act opened the ports of Shimoda and Hakotade to
American trade.
1862. Skirmishing between Rebels and Union forces took place
at Island 10 on the Mississippi River.
1870. In Perth Amboy, NJ, Thomas Munday Peterson became the
first black to vote in the U.S.
1880. Wabash, IN, became the first town to be completely
illuminated with electric light.
1885. Binney & Smith Company was founded in New York City.
The company later became Crayola, LLC.
1889. In Paris, the Eiffel Tower officially opened.
1900. The W.E. Roach Company was the first automobile company
to put an advertisement in a national magazine. The magazine
was the "Saturday Evening Post".
1900. In France, the National Assembly passed a law reducing
the workday for women and children to 11 hours.
1901. In Russia, the Czar lashed out at Socialist-
Revolutionaries with the arrests of 72 people and the seizing
of two printing presses.
1902. In Tennessee, 22 coal miners were killed by an
explosion.
1904. In India, hundreds of Tibetans were slaughtered by the
British.
1905. Kaiser Wilhelm arrived in Tangier proclaiming to
support for an independent state of Morocco.
1906. The Conference on Moroccan Reforms in Algerciras ended
after two months with France and Germany in agreement.
1908. 250,000 coal miners in Indianapolis, IN, went on strike
to await a wage adjustment.
1909. Serbia accepted Austrian control over Bosnia-
Herzegovina.
1917. The U.S. purchased and took possession of the Virgin
Islands from Denmark for $25 million.
1918. For the first time in the U.S., Daylight Saving Time
went into effect.
1921. Great Britain declared a state of emergency because of
the thousands of coal miners on strike.
1923. In New York City, the first U.S. dance marathon was
held. Alma Cummings set a new world record of 27 hours.
1932. The Ford Motor Co. debuted its V-8 engine.
1933. The U.S. Congress authorized the Civilian Conservation
Corps to relieve rampant unemployment.
1933. The "Soperton News" in Georgia became the first
newspaper to publish using a pine pulp paper.
1939. Britain and France agreed to support Poland if Germany
threatened invasion.
1940. La Guardia airport in New York officially opened to the
public.
1941. Germany began a counter offensive in North Africa.
1945. "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams opened on
Broadway.
1946. Monarchists won the elections in Greece.
1947. John L. Lewis called a strike in sympathy for the
miners killed in an explosion in Centralia, IL, on March 25,
1947.
1948. The Soviets in East Germany began controlling the
Western trains headed toward Berlin.
1949. Winston Churchill declared that the A-bomb was the only
thing that kept the U.S.S.R. from taking over Europe.
1949. Newfoundland entered the Canadian confederation as its
10th province.
1958. The U.S. Navy formed the atomic submarine division.
1959. The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) began
exile by crossing the border into India where he was granted
political asylum. Gyatso was the 14th Daila Lama.
1960. The South African government declared a state of
emergency after demonstrations led to the death of more than
50 Africans.
1966. An estimated 200,000 anti-war demonstrators march in
New York City. (New York)
1966. The Soviet Union launched Luna 10, which became the
first spacecraft to enter a lunar orbit.
1967. U.S. President Lyndon Johnson signed the Consular
Treaty, the first bi-lateral pact with the Soviet Union since
the Bolshevik Revolution.
1970. The U.S. forces in Vietnam down a MIG-21, it was the
first since September 1968.
1976. The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Anne
Quinlan could be disconnected from a respirator. Quinlan
remained comatose until 1985 when she died.
1980. U.S. President Carter deregulated the banking industry.
1981. In Bangkok, Thailand, four of five Indonesian
terrorists were killed after hijacking an airplane on March
28.
1985. ABC-TV aired the 200th episode of "The Love Boat."
1986. 167 people died when a Mexicana Airlines Boeing 727
crashed in Los Angeles.
1989. Canada and France signed a fishing rights pact.
1991. Albania offered a multi-party election for the first
time in 50 years. Incumbent President Ramiz Alia won.
1991. Iraqi forces recaptured the northern city of Kirkuk
from Kurdish guerillas.
1994. "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of
Australppithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The
finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor.
1998. U.N. Security Council imposed arms embargo on
Yugoslavia.
1998. For the first time in U.S. history the federal
government's detailed financial statement was released. This
occurred under the Clinton administration.
1999. Three U.S. soldiers were captured by Yugoslav soldiers
three miles from the Yugoslav border in Macedonia.
1999. Fabio was hit in the face by a bird during a
promotional ride of a new roller coaster at the Busch Gardens
theme park in Williamsburg, VA. Fabio received a one-inch
cut
across his nose.
2000. In Uganda, officials set the number of deaths linked to
a doomsday religious cult, the Movement for the Restoration
of the Ten Commandments, at more than 900. In Kanungu, a
March 17 fire at the cult's church killed more than 530 and
authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites
linked to the cult.
2004. Air America Radio launched five stations around the
U.S.
2004. Google Inc. announced that it would be introducing a
free e-mail service called Gmail.
2016. Apple released the iPhone SE.
2023, smiled.
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