Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, July 28

Thank you, Joseph!

Have FUN!
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Todays Bonehead Award: Illinois Minister caught breaking into another church and trying to pry open the safe to steal money. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, July 28, in 1866 The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for the standardization of weights and measures throughout the United States. 150 years ago. More of what happened on this day in history.
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______________________________________________________ Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. --- Robert Orben A gossip is someone who talks to you about others, a bore is someone who talks to you about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. --- Lisa Kirk ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Robert Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 24-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible." "His insurance was the big bonus. I'm comfortable now."
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Bob : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Bill : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Bob : "The judge told him." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Gayle for bringng back this classic: When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, and bachelors who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb. chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) salt/pepper to taste ______________________________ Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, its done!!! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Jim for this picture: Lake Erie ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by David Utt, 39, Canmton, Illinois Illinois Minister caught breaking into another church and trying to pry open the safe to steal money. The minister of a Canton church was arrested Monday and charged with burglarizing another church, according to Canton police. David R. Utt, 39, of Canton was charged with burglary to a church, criminal damage to property over $300, and possession of burglary tools, police said in a news release. He remained in the Fulton County Jail in Lewistown on $60,000 bond Tuesday. Utt is minister of the New Hope Community Church in downtown Canton, police said in the news release. About 1:10 a.m. Monday, Canton officers on patrol saw a minivan in the back parking lot of the First Church of the Nazarene, 2051 E. Chestnut St. The van was partially in the grass with the windows down and the key in the ignition. The van was still warm, but no one was around the vehicle. Officers located an open door in the church and began a search. After hearing a noise, they found Utt using tools to try to break into the office safe, according to the news release. And though Utt played poor mouth to police, he was released from jail a day later, on $6,000 cash bail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: David RE: Pop-Ups Dear Webby, HELP. The kids computer is basically useless. They can do nothing put close down pop-ups. They don't stop. I wonder if this is related. My wife noted a pop-up, looking like an "official" Microsoft warning implying she needed to do a download. Reading it carefully, she noted that by clicking ok, she was giving permission for some company to hit her up with a pop-up at least once a minute. Obviously, she deleted it. Suspect the kids may have come across the same thing and not read it so carefully. Any suggestions? David I would run Spybot-Search&Destroy. You can get it free at If that doesn't help, format and re-install Windows. Also check your phone bill carefully. Some of those things wait for the screen saver to come on, then take the machine off-line and quietly dial back up via some Caribbean ISP, at $25 or more per minute. Call your phone company and get them to restrict the line, to which the kid's computer is connected, to local calls only. Ask for confirmation of that IN WRITING, and also write down the date, time, and the name or number of the operator who accepted your order for the local-only setting. At $25 per minute even one hour can make a huge difference in your phone bill. Until you have placed that order, and have some proof that you did, you don't have a leg to stand on for disputing calls that HAVE been made from your house to those places. DSL is a bit safer, and cable is currently quite safe in that regard. But to get rid of the nuisance pop-ups you still need to run Spybot-Search&Destroy. There are simple pop-up stoppers available, but those often cause more trouble than they are worth. Best to just clean the system and get rid of the spyware. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one who is broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics in the shipping department." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Personal Apple Pies By Cory [15 Posts, 93 Comments] This was a quick solution when I had family at the last minute for dinner. My in-laws favorite dessert is apple pie, so I made these muffin tin personal pies. This took me about 1 1/4 hours from prep to finish. I made the crust and filling from scratch. You could use pre-made crust and filling to cut the time by more than half. Approximate Time: 1 1/4 hours Yield: 12 individual piesPersonal Apple Pies Ingredients: Filling 4-6 large apples 1/2 tsp cinnimon 1/4 cup sugar 1 Tbsp flour Crust 2 cups flour 1 tsp salt 2/3 cup shortening 5-7 Tbsp ice cold water Steps: To make filling: wash, peel and dice apples. Personal Apple PiesPersonal Apple Pies Add cinnamon, flour, and sugar. Mix together and set aside. To make the crust: sift flour and salt together in a bowl. Place flour and salt mixture in a food processor. Add shortening. Blend until pea sized pieces form. Through food processor spout add ice cold water slowly one tablespoon at a time. Add water until all flour mixture in moistened and pull away from edges of food processor to form a ball. Do not add more than 7 Tbsp. of water. Divide dough in half. Personal Apple PiesPersonal Apple Pies Roll dough out slightly thicker than when putting in a pie plate. Cut dough into approximately 4 inch squares and line muffin tins with them. Personal Apple PiesPersonal Apple Pies Place filling in each individual tin, and fold over dough. Bake at 350 degrees F for about 30 minutes or until golden brown. ______________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
_____________________________________________________ A woman devised her own system for labeling homemade meals she stored in the freezer. Instead of calling them Chicken Parmigiana or Meatloaf, she labeled them Whatever, Anything, I Don't Know and, her favorite, Food. That way when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, she was certain to have it on hand. ___________________________________________________
When The Roses Bloom Again: Billy Bragg and Wilco
____________________________________________________ One day a four-year-old son and his mother were watching TV. As they sat on the couch, she stated rubbing his head and noticed his hair was getting long. She told him he needed another haircut, then asked him, "Why does your hair grow so fast?" He replied, "Because you water it too much!" ____________________________________________________ You have all seen those little hand-painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones: *A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. *No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. *A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. *A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. *Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. *Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. *A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. *Help keep the kitchen clean - take me out for supper. *Housework done properly, can kill you. *Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead fairly normal lives. ____________________________________________________
What young people looked like 100 years ago.

Today on July 28
1821 Peru declared its independence from Spain. 

1866 The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress
for the standardization of weights and measures throughout
the United States. 150 years ago.

1914 World War I officially began when Austria-Hungary
declared war on Serbia. 

1932 Federal troops forcibly dispersed the "Bonus Army" of
World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, DC.
They were demanding money they were not scheduled to receive
until 1945. 

1941 Plans for the Pentagon were approved by the U.S. House
of Representatives. 

1942 L.A. Thatcher received a patent for a coin-operated
mailbox. The device stamped envelopes when money was

1945 A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New
York City's Empire State Building. 14 people were killed and
26 were injured. 

1965 U.S. President Johnson announced he was increasing the
number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to

1982 San Francisco, CA, became the first city in the U.S. to
ban handguns. 

1998 Bell Atlantic and GTE announced $52 billion deal that
created the second-largest phone company. 

1998 Serbian military forces seized the Kosovo town of

1998 Monica Lewinsky received blanket immunity from
prosecution to testify before a grand jury about her
relationship with U.S. President Clinton. 

2006 Researchers announced that two ancient reptiles had
been found off Australia. The Umoonasaurus and Opallionectes
were the first of their kind to be found in the period soon
after the Jurassic era.

2016  smiled.
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