Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter, daily since 1994
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Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, October 31
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Have FUN!
DearWebby




Today's Bonehead Award goes to a Tennessee dope, who claimed to be Washington Denzel, when he was arrested Details at Boneheads Today, in 1981 Antigua and Barbuda became independent of Great Britain.
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There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else. --- Cullen Hightower
>From Nanarina Med school entrance exam When I was young my intent was to go to an American medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam. One of the questions was, "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect." Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
>From Sarah Your joke about the wrong side of the confessional reminded me of this: In the Jewish faith we have the custom of Tashlich, where people take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one's sins and starting the new year fresh. However, times have changed... Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options this year for Rosh Hashanah: For ordinary sins, use White Bread For exotic sins, French Bread For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel For complex sins, Multi-grain For twisted sins, Pretzels For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes For sins of indecision, Waffles For sins committed in haste, Matzah For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh For substance abuse, Poppy Seed For committing arson, Toast For committing auto theft, Caraway For being ill tempered, Sourdough For silliness, Nut Bread For jingoism,Yankee Doodles For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls For immodest dressing, Tarts For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes For promiscuity, Hot Buns For being holier than thou, Bagels For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah For trashing the environment, Dumplings For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread For inhaling, Stoned Wheat Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
A hillbilly dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just opened in a nearby village . When they arrived, he took his son to see the teacher. "Howdy," said the hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of learnin' are you teachin'?" "Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy. "Reading, writing, arithmetic." "What's this ?" interrupted the father. "Arith....arith... what did you say?" "'Arithmetic, Sir," said the teacher, "instruction in geometry, algebra and trigonometry." "Trigonometry!" cried the delighted hillbilly. "That's what my boy needs. He's the worst darn shot in the family."
Click through for the large picture Mighty hunter
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD Catherine Butler, Tennessee dopey claims to be Denzel Washington during arrest A Tennessee man being arrested on charges of illegal marijuana possession told police he was Academy Award- winning actor Denzel Washington. Officers told 21-year-old Justin Lee Seay of Memphis he wasn't fooling anyone and quickly found that he had violated his probation on a separate case. The Daily News Journal reported that police arrested Seay on Monday night after responding to a complaint of noise at his apartment. While being arrested, police say, Seay declared he was Washington. His real identity surfaced after police booked him. Officers say they found several bags of marijuana inside the apartment. Seay is being held in the Rutherford County Jail. Tech Support Pits From: Elsa Re: What IS an SMTP Dear Webby You are throwing fancy terms around without explaining what they are. What IS an SMTP ? Elsa Dear Elsa If you use "real" email, not just web mail, then you have a POP server for IN-coming mail, and an SMTP server, that accepts your OUT-going mail. With web mail, like Gmail, you don't have those, since everything stays on the web. With traditional email you pull all the mail down into your computer, and you can read it later, even when you are not connected to the net at that time. You can also write all your mails at the beach, and then fire them out in a few seconds when you visit McDonalds. Or, you could answer and write your emails at homme, and fire them out when you get to work and can use the company's WiFi. POP email programs are usually called "Full Featured" email programs. Web mail programs are rather skimpy by comparison, because there the program sits on the cloud and you have to access the program via the net, at the same time as Millions of others also try to do that. The main function of the SMTP server is to authenticate you, and to make sure nobody sends mail out while pretending to be you. Once you are safely authenticated, you can fire out all of your emails instantly. The SMTP server puts the time and date stamp on it, your IP number and fills out the complete invisible header data. Many ISPs force their victims to use the ISP's name after the @ in the address. For example, if I was to use the SMTP of Telus, I would have to change my address to humor78934@telus.net. Since that is not good enough for me, I am using the SMTP server at Webby.com and can continue to use humor@webby.com If I didn't have Webby.com, I would go to SMTP2GO.COM, and use their SMTP server, so that I could continue to use my address. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!" Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sharpen Kitchen Knives with a Belt I learned this in my woodcarving club and it is valuable for our kitchen knives as well. You can use the "back" of a real leather belt to sharpen knives! This description is for the NON serrated blades only (the straight edged ones) although it could be used on a serrated blade as well if you keep your knife pinned flat down on the belt. No need to wet the belt nor knife. Just lie the belt on a flat surface. Lie the knife FLAT down with your fingers BEHIND the blade and pull AWAY from the sharp part of the blade!! AWAY FROM THE SHARP side!!!!!!! That's important! You will dull the knife the other way. Doing this will rub off any burrs or bumpy edges of the blade, resharpening it. Flip the knife to the other side then pull it AWAY from the blade side in that direction to finish it up. Don't use your finger to test the sharpness!!!! If you must test, woodcarvers will LIGHTLY touch their finger nail on the blade. You can tell if it's sharp by the feel of the knife on your nail. Note: Don't try to rub the knife back and forth like an olden day barber in the movies! That can cause the knife edge to create a ROLL of metal on the edge of the knife blade, dulling it. By Dee [156] http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."
CONGRESS EMBRACES INTERNET TECHNOLOGY IN CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Nancy Pelosi, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised fellow politician's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets." In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator still need to log on to Ebay, but need to be aware that Senators don't stay bought.


Height Difference




Today in 
1517 Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the 
 Wittenberg Palace Church. The event marked the start of the 
 Protestant Reformation in Germany. 
1914 The Ottoman Empire (Turkey) joined the Central Powers 
 (Germany, Austria-Hungary, and Bulgaria). 
1922 Benito Mussolini became prime minister of Italy. 
1926 Magician Harry Houdini died of gangrene and peritonitis 
 resulting from a ruptured appendix. His appendix had been 
 damaged twelve days earlier when he had been punched in the 
 stomach by a student unexpectedly. During a lecture Houdini 
 had commented on the strength of his stomach muscles and 
 their ability to withstand hard blows. 
1940 The British air victory in the Battle of Britain 
 prevented Germany from invading Britain. 
1941 Mount Rushmore was declared complete after 14 years of 
 work. At the time the 60-foot busts of U.S. Presidents George 
 Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham 
 Lincoln were finished. 
1941 The U.S. Navy destroyer Reuben James was torpedoed by a 
 German submarine near Iceland. The U.S. had not yet entered 
 World War II. More than 100 men were killed.
1952 The U.S. detonated its first hydrogen bomb. 
1954 The Algerian National Liberation Front (FLN) began a 
 revolt against French rule. 
1955 Britain's Princess Margaret announced she would not marry 
 Royal Air Force Captain Peter Townsend. 
1956 Rear Admiral G.J. Dufek became the first person to land 
 an airplane at the South Pole. Dufek also became the first 
 person to set foot on the South Pole. 
1959 Lee Harvey Oswald, a former U.S. Marine from Fort Worth, 
 TX, announced that he would never return to the U.S. At the 
 time he was in Moscow, Russia. 
1968 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all 
 U.S. bombing of North Vietnam. 
1969 Wal-Mart Discount City stores were incorporated as 
 Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. 
1981 Antigua and Barbuda became independent of Great Britain. 
1983 The U.S. Defense Department acknowledged that during the 
 U.S. led invasion of Grenada, that a U.S. Navy plane had 
 mistakenly bombed a civilian hospital. 
1984 Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated 
 near her residence by two Sikh security guards. Her son, 
 Rajiv, was sworn in as prime minister. 
1992 In Liberia, it was announced that five American nuns 
 had been killed near Monrovia. Rebels loyal to Charles 
 Taylor were blamed for the murders. 
1994 68 people were killed when an American Eagle ATR-72
  plunged into a northern Indiana farm. 
1997 Louise Woodward, British au pair, was sentenced to 
 life in prison after being convicted of second-degree murder 
 in the death of 8-month-old Matthew Eappen. She was released 
 after her sentence was reduced to manslaughter. 
1998 Iraq announced that it was halting all dealings with 
 U.N. arms inspectors. The inspectors were investigating the 
 country's weapons of mass destruction stemming from Iraq's 
 invasion of Kuwait in 1990. 
1999 EgyptAir Flight 990 crashed off the coast of Nantucket, 
 MA, killing all 217 people aboard. 
1999 Leaders from the Roman Catholic Church and the Lutheran 
 Church signed the Joint Declaration on the Doctrine of 
 Justification. The event ended a centuries-old doctrinal 
 dispute over the nature of faith and salvation. 
2001 Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department reached a 
 tentative agreement to settle the antitrust case against 
 the software company.
2014  smiled.
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