Good Morning, ! It's Saturday, Juy 4, 2009 Happy Independence Day!
Thanks to all of you who wrote! Now is the time for all good men to come to. --- Walt Kelly, A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --- Bert Leston Taylor Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. --- Sydney J. Harris
Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewy were on the bus home from elementary school, when a fire engine zoomed past their bus with blaring sirens. The three kids noticed a Dalmatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine. Ricky said, "They use that dog to keep crowds back." "No," said Jimmy, "he's just for good luck." But Stewy knew better, "No, the dog's job is to find the nearest fire hydrant."
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife Tricia something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day Tricia goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
Thanks to Walter for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an underage burglar in Suffolk, Virginia Mug shot practise SUFFOLK, Va. — Suffolk police say they now have a suspect to go with an image of a person who snapped a photo of himself with a cell phone belonging to the owner of the home he burgled.
Police say a 17-year-old Suffolk resident faces charges of burglary and larceny. They're not identifying him because he's underage and identifying him might interfere with his criminal career. The burglary happened in early June. Detectives think the person unsuccessfully tried to make a phone call using the phone, then used the camera function to photograph himself. People who saw the photo in news stories helped detectives identify the suspect. He will probably get a few months in the Virginia rapper school and tattoo parlor.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: AOL error 50x Dear Webby http://webby.com/humor/i/pilot-seat.jpg I'll try to help re the drop in votes. AOL must be doing something to block Dear Webby, when I try to go to one of your links, such as http://webby.com/humor/i/pilot-seat.jpg (which I used to have no trouble accessing, here is what happens after 30 seconds or so: The web address you entered is not available You were trying to go to webby.com " A 50x server error was received attempting to serve your request, I have absolutely no idea what this means, but I wonder if some AOLers believe they cannot access any of your links once they see that notice and now simply ignore your emails. (Wouldn't surprise me, either.) However, the vote page is accessible from your link. But if the AOLers don't realize this they may not even try the vote link. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have also found that trying to send your pages to my gmail address seems to be blocked. That definitely is NOT Google doing it. The emails are never getting to them. I will be renewing my subscription from the gmail addy and dropping this AOL one. Felix Dear Felix It means that AOL deliberately and maliciously refuses to let you see pictures, that everybody on the real Internet can see without any problem whatsoever. I don't know, if they block pictures ALL AOLers from seeing those pictures, or just those who only use free services. You will have to ask them yourself. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ In the same vein... _____________________________________________________ Hi Webby, Just wondering WHY I haven't gotten any e-mail from you lately???? I even checked the junk mail to make sure it hadn't gone there... But you're nowhere to be found ! Are you ok??? I sure miss your e-mails. Thanks Penny Dear Penny I send your subscription out to you every night. Once it has entered the Hotmail server, there is nothing more, that I can do about it. Obviously Hotmail figures that you are too sexy to use a crappy mail service like theirs, and messes with your mail. Since Hotmail support never tells you the truth, they will probably give you some other excuse and try to blame you for their incompetence. Isn't it about time you graduated to a standard email? If you can't get one from your ISP, I'll gladly make you one. penny@dawna.com and penny@fire-cat.com are still available, and as a subscriber it won't cost you anything. Have FUN! DearWebby
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "You had told him exactly where it was."
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Extra Flavor for the Grill To add extra flavor while grilling, save the loose skin on onions and garlic to toss into the fire just before grilling meats or vegetables. Throw dry fennel tops on the fire when grilling fish. By Brenda Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a fish- and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar?'" "No," answered the brother, straight-faced. "I'm the 'chip monk.'"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Q. What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A. A hunter lies in wait whereas a fisherman waits and lies.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 4th of JulyARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Yesterday's votes were below 100 for the first time, ever. What happened? I noticed a steady drop since I added an extra joke a month ago. Apparently that was a bad move. So, off with that slot. While it is impossible to please everybody all of the time, it would be helpful if you could send me a quick email if you have a suggestion for improving! Have FUN! DearWebby
From Australia, where they have the cold season now: It was so cold last night the police stopped 3 youths pushing a mobile home down the street! When questioned by police they claimed to be trying to jump start the furnace!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: Is file sharing illegal? Dear Webby My daughter is on some sort of file sharing deal, where the members put their CDs onto their computer, and let all other members download them. I found out when she said we needed a bigger hard drive and had a look. After deleting 220 GB, we now have plenty of room on that drive. Isn't that kind of file sharing illegal? Alex Dear Alex That depends on the location, however, the record companies can easily bankrupt you with an endless court case and lawyer bills. It also might depend on whether or not a family member of the judge is a starving artist, trying to pay back the loan she or he needed to make the CD. It is normally considered acceptable to download a sample song to help deciding whether or not to buy a CD, but downloading an entire CD is the same as shoplifting it. Making entire CDs available for shoplifting in exchange for similarly stolen goods is also covered by the criminal code. A lawyer can probably explain it all with a lot more detail, and what to expect in your location. It certainly is immoral, and you might be able to explain it to her by asking how she would feel about it, if she was a young and starting artist, and had borrowed $50,000 to create a sellable CD. In addition to that, it is a serious security risk to open your computer to strangers, and invite them in to do some shoplifting. Have FUN! DearWebby
====From Darlene Dear Webby, sorry to bother you with another repeat request. But could you please repeat that Hillbilly Medical Dictionary that you had two or three years ago ? Thanks Darlene Sure, Darlene. here it is: "REDNECK GUIDE TO MEDICAL TERMS " BENIGN--------What you be after you be eight ARTERY--------The study of paintings BACTERIA--------Back door to the cafeteria BARIUM--------What doctors do when patients die CESAREAN SECTION--A neighborhood in Rome CAT-SCAN-------- Searching for kitty CAUTERIZE--------Made eye contact with her COLIC--------A sheep dog COMA--------Punctuation mark D&C--------Where Washington is DILATE--------To live long ENEMA--------Not a friend FESTER--------Quicker than someone else FIBULA--------A small lie GENITAL--------Non-Jewish person G.I. SERIES--------World Series of military baseball HANGNAIL----------What you hang your coat on IMPOTENT--------Distinguished or well-known LABOR PAIN--------Getting hurt at work MEDICAL STAFF--------Doctors' cane MORBID--------A higher offer than I bid NITRATES--------Cheaper than day rates NODE--------I knew it OUTPATIENT--------A person who has fainted PAP SMEAR--------A fatherhood test PELVIS--------Second cousin to Elvis POST OPERATIVE--------A letter carrier RECOVERY ROOM--------Place to do upholstery RECTUM---------Damn near killed him SECRETION--------Hiding something SEIZURE----------Roman emperor TABLET--------A small table TERMINAL ILLNESS--------Getting sick at the airport TUMOR--------More than one URINE--------Opposite of you're out VARICOSE----------Near or close by
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Clothes Pins for Chip Clips This tip is so easy, maybe everyone already does it. Don't worry about buying chip and bag clips, use clothes pins! I use clothes pins to seal any bag I need to, from pasta and rice to chips and such. Much cheaper, they don't take up much room, and so handy to use! By Kim from Crawford, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Nancy went to the emergency room for medical treatment on two badly burned ears . "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, I was ironing while I was also watching a soap on TV, when the phone rang. I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said Nancy, "when the same guy called again, asking what all the screaming was about."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: EggsARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day. --- John A. Wheeler Good taste is the worst vice ever invented. --- Edith Sitwell
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
The crumbling, old church building needed re- modeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." As he sat back down, somebody a few rows behind him lightly tossed a bit of plaster that had fallen there, onto him. The rich guy virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." As he sat down, somebody tossed an even larger chunk of plaster onto him. He jumped up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon, who had not seen the pranksters, to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again! We'll get a new church yet!"
Sexy Cop!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Steve Re: What program for writing PDFs Dear Webby What program would you suggest for converting documents to PDF's? Steve Dear Steve I use Open Office. With it, that is built in and you can save anything, not just documents, in PDF format. If Open Office is too advanced for you, there is a page full of PDF converters at http://www.google.ca/search?q=free+PDF Have FUN! DearWebby
A fifth grader looks sad, so her teacher asks, "What's the problem? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes it is," the little girl says. "I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "That wasn't a very bright thing to do," says the teacher, "but just this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," the girl says, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked, and Little Johnny already handed it in as his."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freebies at Fairs Each and every year we go to the Minnesota State Fair on opening day. This is already a thrifty move, as there are so many deals that day (otherwise known as Thrifty Thursday). We always make sure to visit the Education Building, where we gather no less than 200 free pencils, pens, rulers, and other school supplies. I have not needed to purchase pencils for back to school in 6 years now. Plus, the kids and I have a blast seeing who can gather the most. They look forward to doing this from the minute we get home from the last fair until the next one. They always hand out free fabric bags too, which work great for shopping bags for when you have to buy the rest of your supplies, or for carrying books and such as well. I don't think I have ever come home with less than 20 of them in a single year, so it is always well worth it to us. By Freemommy from Shakopee, MN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered. At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?" "Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Farmer's AlmanacARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. --- Arthur Schopenhauer Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. --- Alfred Lord Tennyson Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. --- Henry David Thoreau
Two highway patrolmen stop a driver for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they are writing up the ticket, one trooper turns to the other and asks, "How do you spell Waxahachie?" The other one replies, "I don't know." "What are we going to do?" the first one asks. "If we spell it wrong, the judge will dismiss the charge." "Well," says his partner, "why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?"
====From Lorna Hi Webby, a few years ago you had a phantastic piece about a Hawaian Good Luck sign and a bumper sticker. Could you please run that one again ? Thanks, Lorna==== Sure, Lorna. It's a bit long, but well worth it. Got a letter from Grandma the other day--this is what it said: The other day I went into a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. Well, I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice and a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my car. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. Then I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, leaned out his window and hollered, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ! Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader for the Lord he was! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him say something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air, so I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing--even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple people were so caught up in the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask me what church I attended, but I noticed that the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the light changed again and felt kind of sad to leave all those people behind after the love we'd shared, so I slowed down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vanessa Re: DIN and ISO numbers on camera Dear Webby A friend told me to mess with the DIN/ASA/ISO settings on my camera to reach further into the dark. Unfortunately, he was using all kinds of weird technical terms, probably because he didn't really understand it himself. So I figured I would ask you. You can 'splain things so that mere mortals and even Blondes can understand it. Thanks Vanessa Dear Vanessa In the old days those numbers used to refer to the size of the crystals or grains in the film. The bigger the grains, the more sensitive to light, but also the pictures were coarser, "grainier". For fine portraits in good light you used a film with a low number, and exposed it a bit longer. For fast action shots like races, where you didn't have time for long exposures, or for low light conditions, you used a film with a high number. Coarse, but fast. Digital cameras fake it with the smooth analog amplifier between the detector and the digitizing computer. That doesn't make the picture coarse, but the picture comes out as if there was more light than there actually was. That trick works beautifully in low light conditions, for example people lit up by the light of a camp fire or candle, IF you make sure that the camp fire or the candle is NOT in the picture. If it is, it's brightness too will be exaggerated. And make sure that you return the setting to normal before morning, otherwise every daylight picture will be too light. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze an Envelope to Remove a Stamp To remove a stamp from an envelope, put the envelope in the freezer for a few hours. When you remove it, the stamp will pop right off. The adhesive is still good and the stamp can then be placed wherever you want to use it. By Sandy from Elon, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A woman was in the habit of having long telephone conversations that sometimes lasted over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes. "What is the matter?" asked her husband. "You were on the phone talking for less than half an hour." "I got a wrong number," the woman replied.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada DayARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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I am no more humble than my talents require. --- Oscar Levant My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. --- Benjamin Disraeli "Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." --- John F. Kennedy
Bernie's mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Well, darling, that's a pretty good start! I'm sure with some patient practising you could even learn to dust it!"
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve." "Well, Professor Mc Scottish, if it would, you would have asked for MY coin for the experiment !"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Free Zip Dear Webby, First let me ask you to please send me your Humor letter again. I have changed Computers and no longer am getting you. I still have my same e-mail address, ***@msn.com Also want to know if you have a free Winzip for me to download. I have had to re-install a lot of programs i lost and that was one of them. Thanks so much for all your good advice over the years. Your Humor friend, Jaye Dear Jaye E-mail address '***@msn.com' is already in the list database! That means either you or MSN is blocking your subscription. WinZip is $29.95 at http://www.winzip.com/index.htm There are lots of free zippers available. Just google for free zip and you get pages and pages of free zippers. Take your pick! Have FUN! DearWebby
Bert's wife enrolled Molly, her lovable but dumb cocker spaniel, in a ten-week obedience class. At the end of the term Molly had made little progress. She re-enrolled her, but at the end of the second course Molly was still noticeably behind her canine classmates. The instructor, perhaps determined to succeed with that dog, offered to let her repeat the course for the third time at no charge. That evening Bert heard his wife on the phone with her mother. "Guess what?" she said. "Molly was the only dog in her class to get a free scholarship!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoid Flashed Out Photos This is a tip for those pictures where you need a flash but then you take the picture and it totally whites out your picture. Try putting your finger in the middle of your flash. It still lets the flash do it's job but at the same time, limits the light. Try it. It works! By Karen from Arnold, MO Before you say that is bad advice, consider the choice of cameras. If she uses those under $10 disposable party cameras, that is good advice in twilight or smoky conditions. Those disposable cameras have everything fixed. Nothing is adjustable or measured and calculated. The only "adjustment" you got is your finger in front of the flash. For best results use a bit of cardboard to direct the flash to the side, and let it bounce from a wall onto whatever you are taking the picture of. That gives you very nice contrast and 3D depth, instead of the flat faces you get with a dead on flash. With cameras that measure conditions and calculate the settings, if it "totally whites out your picture", replace the camera. It obviously doesn't mesaure, calculate, or adjust any more. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A man with a heart condition inherits a million dollars. His family, concerned that the shock might trigger a heart attack, asks his minister to tell him about the windfall. The minister goes to the man's house and, after pleasantries, asks him, "What would you do if you inherited a million dollars?" "Well, pastor," the man says, "I think I would give half of it to your church." At that, the pastor keels over dead.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: White tiger raised by chimpARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. --- Charlie McCarthy When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! --- Laurie Anderson "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --- Ben Williams
Good jokes always come back. Here is an Oldie Goldie that came back to me today: What would Bible characters drive? One theory is that God would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua also drove a Triumph, but with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Thus following their Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda ...."The Apostles were in one Accord."
Despite warnings from his Alpine guide, an American skier is separated from his group and falls into a deep crevasse. Several hours later, a rescue party finds the skier. The leader of the rescue team shouts down to him, "We're from the Red Cross!" "Sorry," the American yells back, "I already gave at the office."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Adriane Re: FireFox colors Dear Webby, I have seen people at work use different color Firefox browsers. I am new here and don't want to appear stupid and ask where to get those versions of Firefox. Can you help me out? Adriane Dear Adriane Those are just colors they chose after getting the AnyColor Add-on. Click on Tools, Add-ons, Get Add-ons, See More Recommended Ad-Ons In there, about a page down, you will see ANY-COLOR. Just add that to your Firefox. Then you can choose from a bunch of pre-defined color schemes and even fine tune those for your own personal taste. There are tons of other free Add-ons there too, and you will feel like a kid in a candy store. Do yourself a favor and NOT add more than one per week. That gives you a chance to get comfortable and familiar with each, instead of overwhelmed and not remember what is controlled by which add-on. Have FUN! DearWebby
An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter and began asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry aboard the airplane today?" "No," said the woman. "Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag. "Yes," she answered. "Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?" "Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way, or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ask For Discounts On Clearance Items I save money on things at big name stores by looking through the clearance items and mark downs and then approaching an assistant manager or floor manager about a further discount. You would be amazed at how often they just want to get rid of something. I have purchased a beautiful TV stand for $10.00 that was originally $79.00. A child's desk that was $115.00 for $15.00. A basketball backboard with the tall stand that was regular $150.00+ for $40.00. Of course you have to be really nice about it but 7 times out of 10, they have discounted it for me. It also take a little extra time but I going during the week in the AM when the stores are less busy to look for bargains for Christmas, birthdays, weddings, etc. By Evey from ManvelL, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." and hand written underneath: "Sandals can eat any place they want."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today" HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear" HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news" HER: "Well, the air bag works"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Famous CaricaturesARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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There are more fools in the world than there are people. --- Heinrich Heine
Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Weeding out the AutoComplete Dear Webby, Webby how can I clean up mis-typed email addresses and passwords that accumulate in auto-fill sign ins? I use cCleaner, and it does not do so. Thanks, Carol Dear Carol Highlighting a bad selection in the auto-complete and hitting the delete key works fine to weed out the Auto-Complete in Windows programs. Gmail, which is a Linux program, is a bit different. The autocomplete is populated from your CONTACTS folder. So any cleaning and weeding you do in there (such as "Remove from MY CONTACTS") should have the desired result. Have FUN! DearWebby
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Say "No" to Pizza Delivery Tonight I said "Let's just order Pizza Hut for once." My husband said, "Hmm, I like those little frozen pizzas from Save-A-Lot!" lol So, we decided on making our own Pizza Hut night! We made those little frozen pizzas (one each) and cooked spaghetti and opened a can of Heinz spaghetti sauce and had bread sticks! All from Save-A-Lot! Our supper cost us $5.50 instead of $22! And it tasted better! By Ariela from Jax, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two women are discussing marriage, and one says, "We've been married 10 years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food." "That's awful," the other woman says. "That must really bother you." "No, not in the slightest," says the first one. "You must be a saint," her friend says. "Why should I object?" the first one says. "A lot of people don't like their own cooking, but I like his cooking just fine."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Trying to be subtle, John tore out a bunch of pages from their Dictionary. Then he showed Sarah that 'cleanliness' is next to 'godliness' Not to be outdone, Sarah tore out a few more pages. Now 'cleanliness' is next to 'impossible!'Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Morris ArboretumARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. --- Isaac Asimov I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. --- Poul Anderson The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --- Robert Frost
One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" The driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight - and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it! But I told you my mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys came to another light. This time it was green. The Driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car totally. "What the heck are you doing?" The passenger screamed, "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Because my mother might be coming the other way!" the Driver replied.
Two guys were doing construction on a house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding. The other guy saw him tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first guy said, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding." The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You idiot! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leslie Re: Weeding out cookies selectively Dear Webby, Love that you help folks with questions... I clean my cookies every day or so, and have some that I want to protect- not delete... TV guide, a game site, etc... since it's a pain to set these sites back up every time I want to use them... other then skipping them each time in cleaning is there a way to have them separate so they aren't accidentally deleted in the daily process? Keep up the great work... Peace to you Webby... Dear Leslie In FireFox you can go after them individually: Tools Options Privacy Cookies Show Cookies... You can also use the free CookieSafe Add-On for FireFox for protecting selected cookies: http://snipurl.com/kxil5 Have FUN! DearWebby
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights. "Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day." "I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" the boy continued. "They're not cheap either," the father came back. "I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "Wait! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Cookie Scoop for Meatballs When making meatballs, it can be time consuming to roll them by hand. Instead, I use my cookie scoop. It's similar to an ice cream scoop only smaller. It makes nice even size meatballs every time and is much quicker and keeps my hands clean. I lay each one on a sheet of a waxed paper jelly-roll pan and they can be frozen in the pan then put into freezer bags or you can drop them into your sauce to cook them. You can also lay them on Parchment paper lined jelly roll pan or a foil lined pan and bake them. By Chef from Sylvania, OH Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book. "Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?" "No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a ophthalmologist in Prague. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ. "Can you read that?" the doctor asked. "Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: BC WildflowersARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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"The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head." --- Socratex "There are well-dressed foolish ideas just as there are well- dressed fools." --- Nicolas Chamfort
Bill's wife's psychiatrist just called him and said, "Did you know she was going to poison you?" Bill said, "No! What you suggest?" He said, "After listeneing to her for three hours, my suggestion to you is to take the poison."
Returning from a trip to visit her grandmother in Canada, a woman was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, she gave him a small bag of her grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on her way. A short time later, she was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate- chip cookies."
Thanks to Moe for sending this picture:Step-On-The-Brake-Ma!
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Shoppers and workers at the branch in Andover, Hampshire, had to dive for cover as the luxury car crashed into checkouts. The 50-year-old bearded man had stormed out of the shop after staff told him he was too drunk to be served any more drink. He got into the Rolls Royce where managers unsuccessfully tried to talk him out of driving after he told them what he was going to do. His first attempt at ramming the windows failed but that did not deter the enraged driver, who reversed, revved the engine and had another go. This time, he put pedal to metal and smashed right into the shop, demolishing two checkouts, counters and ceiling fittings. Emergency services were called and the store was evacuated - six women were taken to hospital with minor injuries. Hampshire Police spokeswoman Katie Wilson said: "Six women were injured and treated for cuts, bruises and shock by ambulance and air ambulance crew and taken to hospital for further checks. "A 50-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of drink driving and attempted murder."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: POP versus WebMail Dear Webby, What is the difference between the POP email, that you keep harping about, and regular mail like hotmail or yahoo? Irene Dear Irene Actually, POP email is regular email. It has been around a lot longer than Webmail. With POP email you pull the mail off the server, and work it with a more or less full featured email program on your computer. In the mid 90's, when Cyber Cafes became fashionable and popular, it became necessary to have a viewer, that could be used to read the email right on the server, and answer it, without having to install an email program or risk leaving any mail behind at the Cyber Cafe. The answer to that was WebMail. The email program and the mail stay on the server. Nowadays, that is called Cloud Computing. Naturally, with the email program on the server and shared by many people, it has to be rather basic and with very limited functionality. Another major difference is space. With a Webmail program you leave the mail on the server. That is fine, if you pull it down with a POP email program when you get home. However, if that is your one and only email program, the mail accumulates until it reaches a limit. Then any further email is bounced, or your mail is dumped. To conserve space on the server, operators of Webmail like for example Hotmail, often arbitrarily block large attachments or popular items. Forget trying to send Valentines Cards to a hotmail address. Their servers are overloaded at Valentines day, so they block cards, music, newsletters, etc. In summary: If your mail is important, for example business mail, use Webmail only when away from your own computer, and use POP email to pull it down and work it. If you don't have a computer of your own, or are just casually goofing around, then use a Webmail without POP back-up. Have FUN! DearWebby
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old daughter was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was a hundred and eighty." Her daughter looked puzzled and asked, "How old are you now?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Extra Paint Off Your Paint Brush Use a Large rubber band to clean paint off your paintbrush. Simply place it over the center of the opened paint can instead of rubbing your brush against the edge of the can. By Aurelia Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic information and asks, "How much do you weigh?" "One-seventy," the man replies. The nurse asks him to step on the scale and it shows that his weight is actually 183. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Five-eleven," the man answered confidently. The nurse measures and sees that he's only 5' 8". Then she takes his blood pressure, and it is very high. The man says, "Of course it's high! When I came in here, I was tall and slender. Now, suddenly I'm short and dumpy!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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One day my mother, father, younger sister and I were traveling in the car. My sister turned to me and asked, "What does horny mean?" Being 12 years older then she was I did my best to explain what horny meant in a 10 year olds world. My mother and father helped between snickers. After explaining the best we could I asked her where she heard the word horny. Very seriously she explained, Well, in science the other day we were talking about what animals we will learn about next week, an one of them is the Horny Toad!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Eclectic ArrayARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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". . . if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice." --- Laurence J. Peter "Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example." --- Duc de La Rochefoucald
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one. "I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harold Re: Gmail POP Dear Webby, I need to use a proper POP email program, where I can file mail from different clients in separate mailboxes or folders, not just tag it like it is done on Gmail. Is there a solution to that? Harold Dear Harold Absolutely no problem doing that. There are even more than just one way that will work for you. 1) You can have one or more gmail accounts forward to your ISP based POP account. 2) If you have just one gmail account, then you can use your favorite POP program to directly access your gmail account. There is one caution I would like to mention: Gmail has good spam filtering, and you will accumulate a lot of spam in the spam box. Keep an eye on how close you get to your 7 GB limit and dump the spam now and then. However, that just drops it down into the trash, and still counts. You have to dump the trash too. By using gmail as a reliable mail and MailWasher as a final spam control, and a full feature POP program like Eudora or Pegasus, you got the best of all worlds. Have FUN! DearWebby
The other day I needed to call home from downtown, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side to politely wait until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two minutes later, he was still not talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife......"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Seasoning Fries When making french fries in the oven, whether they be a name brand variety or wedges cut from your own potatoes. Sprinkle the fries with different seasonings to give your family different varieties of flavors. Make some lemon pepper flavored, sprinkle some with garlic powder, maybe some with Cajun seasoning. I got this idea when my husband decided he didn't like the way I flavored the whole pan. Each row I season differently. Try it! By Terri Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of weekend shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me back here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Global Earthquake ActivityARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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