Sending PPS to oler computers 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, January 1

Happy New Year, !

-34, no Gullible Warming. 
We are definitely in the "Ice Age Is Coming" ripple.
Al Gore says it is YOUR fault.
CNN says it's Trump's fault.

I predicted that it is cycles, and I am right AGAIN.

Here is a brief video showing what happens when you
toss boiling water into the wind at this temperature.
Instant ice fog.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman wanted for armed robbery left 
debit card at crime scene
Today, January 1 in
1892 Ellis Island Immigrant Station formally opened in New

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life. --- Robert Byrne I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. --- Margaret Thatcher (1925 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Whoops! IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of the parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord." Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero. Miss Rumson has been appointed supervisor of Work Area Six, not (as stated in our last issue) Sex Work Area. ____________________________________________________ The maiden aunt is visiting her family for the holidays. One night, the talk around the dinner table turns to what the older people did when they were young. The aunt interrupts and says, "I don't want to talk about my girlhood." "Why, auntie?" one of her nephews asks. "What did you do?" "Nothing," says the older woman. "That's why I don't want to talk about it." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Soon! ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but omitted?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tyshea Sheree Thomas, 41, Mannheim, Pennsylvania Woman wanted for armed robbery left debit card at crime scene Losing your debit card is generally pretty bad. It's even worse when you leave it behind when you're accused in an armed robbery. Tyshea Sheree Thomas, 41, no fixed address, did just that this weekend during a robbery at A-Plus on the 1200 block of Lititz Pike, Manheim Township police said. Thomas is accused of approaching the store clerk just after 4:30 p.m. on Dec. 24, pointing a black and silver handgun at the woman, and demanding cash. Thomas then climbed over the counter and aimed the gun at the clerk's head, police said. When the woman opened the register, Thomas took cash from the drawer and fled on foot. Police said the clerk was not injured. Thomas left her debit card on the counter and investigators determined she had used it at a nearby ATM prior to the robbery. Thomas is charged with felony counts of robbery and making terroristic threats, as well as a misdemeanor count of theft by unlawful taking. Anyone with information as to her whereabouts is asked to contact Manheim Township police _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ann Re: PPS Dear Webby, ...'sme again. Is there some way to forward something to a person that is still using Windows 98? I have sent a PPS file to my friend but he cannot open it. I think because he is still using 98. Do I have to save the data to my computer and then send each thing one at a time? I am forwarding the email to you separately because it is so incredible and I think you will appreciate it. Thanks for you help. Hugs Ann Dear Ann Windows 98 has nothing to do with that. All he needs is the normal pps PowerPoint viewer. He can get it free from Microsoft. The easiest way to get it is to go to That forwards to the mile long link at Microsoft. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday." "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard a student say, "I really like the skylights on the 3rd floor." "Me too," remarked the second student. "I don't know why they didn't just put some on the 2nd floor too." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Baby Powder for Sand Carry baby powder with you to the sandbox or beach. After the children get off the of sand, sprinkle them with the baby powder. It dries up the sand and causes it to fall right off! No more tracking sand in the house or car! - Amy Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ From Greta My violin teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So, you got it used?"
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Amazing places on our planet to end the year 2017 with.
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They looked at each other and shook their heads. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down asking, "Why"? The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, January 1, in 
0404 The last gladiator competition was held in Rome. 

1622 The Papal Chancery adopted January 1st as the beginning
of the New Year (instead of March 25th). 

1772 The first traveler's checks were issued in London. 

1785 London's oldest daily paper "The Daily Universal
Register" (later renamed "The Times" in 1788) was first

1797 Albany became the capital of New York state, replacing
New York City. 

1801 The Act of Union of England and Ireland came into force.

1801 Italian astronomer Giuseppe Piazzi became the first
person to discover an asteroid. He named it Ceres. 

1804 Haiti gained its independence. 

1808 The U.S. prohibited import of slaves from Africa. 

1840 The first recorded bowling match was recorded in the

1863 U.S. President Lincoln signed the Emancipation
Proclamation, which declared that all slaves in the rebel
states were free. 

1887 Queen Victoria was proclaimed empress of India in Delhi.

1892 Ellis Island Immigrant Station formally opened in New

1892 Brooklyn and New York merged to form the single city of
New York. 

1894 The Manchester Ship Canal was officially opened to

1895 In Battle Creek, MI, C.W. Post created his first usable
batch of Monks Brew (later called Postum). It was a cereal-
based substitute for caffeinated drinks. 

1898 Manhattan, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island
were consolidated into New York City. 

1900 Hawaii asked for a delegate to the Republican national

1900 Nigeria became a British protectorate with Frederick
Lagard as the high commissioner. 

1901 The Commonwealth of Australia was founded. Lord Hopetoun
officially assumed the duties as the first Governor-General. 

1902 The first Tournament of Roses (later the Rose Bowl)
collegiate football game was played in Pasadena, CA. 

1909 The first payments of old-age pensions were made in
Britain. People over 70 received five shillings a week. 

1913 The post office began parcel post deliveries. 

1924 Frank B. Cooney received a patent for ink paste. 

1926 The Rose Bowl was carried coast to coast on network
radio for the first time. 

1930 "The Cuckoo Hour" was heard for the first time on the
NBC-Blue Network, which later became ABC Radio. 

1934 Alcatraz Island officially became a Federal Prison. 

1934 The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) began

1936 The "New York Herald Tribune" began microfilming its
current issues. 

1937 The First Cotton Bowl football game was played in
Dallas, TX. Texas Christian University (T.C.U.) beat
Marquette, 16-6. 

1939 The Hewlett-Packard partnership was formed by Bill
Hewlett and Dave Packard. 

1942 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt and British Prime
Minister Winston Churchill issued a declaration called the
"United Nations." It was signed by 26 countries that vowed to
create an international postwar World War II peacekeeping

1945 France was admitted to the United Nations. 

1956 Sudan gained its independence. 

1958 The European Economic Community (EEC) started

1959 Fidel Castro overthrew the government of Fulgencio
Batista, and seized power in Cuba. 

1968 Evel Knievel, stunt performing daredevil, lost control
of his motorcycle midway through a jump of 141 feet over the
ornamental fountains in front of Caesar's Palace in Las

1971 Tobacco ads representing $20 million dollars in
advertising were banned from TV and radio broadcast. 

1973 Britain, Ireland, Denmark and Norway joined the EEC. 

1975 The magazine "Popular Electronics" announced the
invention of a person computer called Altair. MITS, using an
Intel microprocessor, developed the computer. 

1979 The United States and China held celebrations in
Washington, DC, and Beijing to mark the establishment of
diplomatic relations between the two countries. 

1981 Greece joined the European Community. 

1984 AT&T was broken up into 22 Bell System companies under
terms of an antitrust agreement with the U.S. Federal

1986 Spain and Portugal joined the European Community (EC). 

1987 A pro-democracy rally took place in Beijing's Tiananmen
Square (China). It did not go over well.

1990 David Dinkins was sworn in as New York City's first
black mayor. 

1992 The ESPN Radio Network was officially launched. 

1992 In Kuala Lumpur, the groundbreaking ceremony for the
Petronas Towers took place. 

1993 Czechoslovakia split into two separate states, the Czech
Republic and Slovakia. The peaceful division had been
engineered in 1992. 

1994 Bill Gates, Chief Executive Officer of Microsoft and
Melinda French were married. 

1994 The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) went
into effect. 

1995 Frederick West, an alleged killer of 12 women and girls,
was found hanged in his jail cell in Winston Green prison, in
Birmingham. West had been under almost continuous watch since
his arrest in 1994, but security had reportedly been relaxed
in the months preceding the apparent suicide. 

1995 The World Trade Organization came into existence. The
group of 125 nations monitors global trade. 

1998 A new anti-smoking law went into effect in California.
The law prohibiting people from lighting up in bars. 

1999 The euro became currency for 11 Member States of the
European Union. Coins and notes were not available until
January 1, 2002. 

1999 In California, a law went into effect that defined
"invasion of privacy as trespassing with the intent to
capture audio or video images of a celebrity or crime victim
engaging in a personal of family activity." 

2001 The "Texas 7," rented space in an RV park in Woodland
Park, CO. 

2007 Binney & Smith Company became Crayola LLC under its
parent company Hallmark. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, December 31

Norah Head lighthouse NSW Australia

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
English Woman rode motorbike naked, got fingered 
in the street and punched a blind man and a cop
Today, December 31 in
1974 Private U.S. citizens were allowed to buy and own gold
for the first time in more than 40 years. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae. --- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - 2007) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to make a perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch him!" ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Lisa for this story: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM machine down there....." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A Texan is bragging to his cousin in Montana. "On mah fahrm in Taxas," he drawls, "I can git on mah tractor, ride all daiy long, and still be on mah fahrm by nightfohl." "Yeah", replies his cousin, "I know what you mean. I once used to have a John Deere tractor like that too." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Natasha Claus, 36 Woking, England English Woman rode motorbike naked, got fingered in the street and punched a blind man and a cop A woman has been jailed and banned from entering Woking after she punched a blind man and was caught in the middle of a sex act in the street. Natasha Claus, 36, was described as ‘a mess’ by a judge after she turned up to court four hours late to be handed a 13-month prison sentence. The judge revealed that she had also been caught riding through the Surrey town naked on a motorbike, but added that she was not being sentenced for that particular incident. She pleaded guilty outraging public decency after she was caught in the middle of a sex act that Judge Peter Ross said was ‘no doubt for money’. Prosecutor John Upton said she was spotted in Goldsworth Road, Woking, ‘being fingered by a man’ on July 29 this year. A mother with her two children asked her to stop and Claus responded by threatening to punch her. When she was arrested at the scene, police said her jeans were pulled up, but her knickers were in her handbag. Mr Upton told Guildford Crown Court that she was in the habit of befriending vulnerable men then taking advantage of them. Trouble flared when one of those men was threatened with being kicked out of his flat by the local council because of her anti-social behaviour. They argued and Claus attacked him. Because he was registered blind, he couldn’t tell if it was with her palm or fist. When being arrested for the attack, she assaulted two police officers calling one of them a ‘P**i c**t’. Defence barrister Timothy Leete said that she was addicted to inhaling butane gas, leading Judge Moss to tell her ‘your life is a mess.’ The judge added: ‘Any assault on a vulnerable person is very serious indeed, as is any attack on the police officers who we have a moral obligation to protect.’ The judge also made reference to a further indecent incident, saying: ‘I had the impression there was some reference to her riding around on a motorbike with no clothes on, but that has nothing to do with the charges today.’ He told her: ‘You are a mess. Your life is a mess. I spoke to your son earlier and it is a testament to something in your son’s life that he’s never been to court and finds this whole situation awful. ‘I have made a criminal behaviour order against you, restricting your movements and behaviour.’ She was jailed for three months for the assault on the blind man, and two months for each attack on the police officer, two months for being racist to one of the officers, one month for outraging public decency and another month for abusing the woman who asked her to stop the sex act. She was also jailed for four months for breaching a suspended jail sentence. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Debi Re: NotifyAlert.exe Dear Webby, I enjoy your newsletter every day! Today I have a computer question that has been bugging my computer for some time. I continually get a “Notifyalert.exe." Hwo do I get rid if that? Debi Dear Debi Malwarebytes usually gets rid of that automatically. You can try using SearchEverything to find it and dump it. Notifyalert.exe could be from Novell, or from Dell, and most likely are due to transferring files from an old mqchine. Whatever the origin, you donèt need it, and most sources say you should get rid of it, since it opens a back door to malware. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Mona for this story: Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room. Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self- restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Tablecloths for Fabric If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use for other projects. Tablecloths come in a variety of thicknesses, sizes and patterns so you can find fabric for a variety of projects. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Kids in the back seat cause accidents, and accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Medieval Monarchs Who Died In The Most Embarrassing Ways Imaginable.
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 31, in 
1687 The first Huguenots set sail from France for the Cape of
Good Hope, where they would later create the South African
wine industry with the vines they took with them on the

1695 The window tax was imposed in Britain, which resulted in
many windows being bricked up. 

1711 The Duke of Marlborough was dismissed as commander-in-

1775 The British repulsed an attack by Continental Army
generals Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec.
Montgomery was killed in the battle. 

1841 The State of Alabama enacted the first dental
legislation in the U.S. 

1857 Britain's Queen Victoria decided to make Ottawa the
capital of Canada. 

1879 Thomas Edison gave his first public demonstration of
incandescent lighting to an audience in Menlo Park, NJ. 

1891 New York's new Immigration Depot was opened at Ellis
Island, to provide improved facilities for the massive
numbers of arrivals. 

1897 Brooklyn, NY, spent its last day as a separate entity
before becoming part of New York City. 

1923 In London, the BBC first broadcast the chimes of Big

1929 Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians played "Auld Lang
Syne" as a New Year's Eve song for the first time. 

1946 U.S. President Truman officially proclaimed the end of
hostilities in World War II. 

1947 Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were married. 

1953 Willie Shoemaker broke his own record as he won his
485th race of the year. 

1955 General Motors became the first U.S. corporation to earn
more than one billion dollars in a single year. 

1960 The farthing coin, which had been in use in Great
Britain since the 13th century, ceased to be legal tender. 

1961 In the U.S., the Marshall Plan expired after
distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid. 

1967 The Green Bay Packers won the National Football League
championship game by defeating the Dallas Cowboys 21-17. The
game is known as the Ice Bowl since it was played in a wind
chill of 40 degrees below zero. (NFL) 

1974 Private U.S. citizens were allowed to buy and own gold
for the first time in more than 40 years. 

1978 Taiwanese diplomats struck their colors for the final
time from the embassy flagpole in Washington, DC. The event
marked the end of diplomatic relations with the U.S. 

1979 At year end oil prices were 88% higher than at the start
of 1979. 

1986 A fire at the Dupont Plaza Hotel in San Juan, Puerto
Rico, killed 97 and injured 140 people. Three hotel workers
later pled guilty to charges in connection with the fire. 

1996 NCR Corp. became an independent company. 

1997 Michael Kennedy, 39-year-old son of the late U.S. Sen.
Robert F. Kennedy, was killed in a skiing accident on Aspen
Mountain in Colorado. 

1999 Russian President Boris Yeltsin resigned. Prime Minister
Vladimir Putin was designated acting president. 

1999 Five hijackers left the airport where they had been
holding 150 hostages on an Indian Airlines plane. They left
with two Islamic clerics that they had demanded be freed from
an Indian prison. The plane had been hijacked during a flight
from Katmandu, Nepal to New Dehli on December 24. 

2004 In Taiwan, the Taipei 101 skyscraper opened to the

2017  smiled.

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Easy F-stop for digital cameras 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, December 30

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas lawyer got date so drunk, that she
ruined $300 K worth of his art collection
Today, December 30 in
1853 The United States bought about 45,000 square miles of
land from Mexico in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable. --- Trey Parker and Matt Stone ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. IF you are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand." "Oh, nohtin , Senor," the new page said. "I jus donnow how to dial ta capital four!" ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Connie for this: My mother-in-law says that she can not understand how the lackluster, low mentality, loser that her daughter had the misfortune to marry could have produced such smart, intelligent, beautiful, and wonderful grandchildren. She is inclined to believe that genetics skips every other generation. Therefore she is not holding out much hope for her great-grandchildren. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pssed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move." _____________________________________________________ Reported by Walter, the stone carver An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Lindy Lou Layman, 29, Dallas, Texas Texas lawyer got date so drunk, that she ruined $300 K worth of his art collection Authorities say an intoxicated Dallas woman who was on a first date with a prominent Houston trial lawyer, caused at least $300,000 in damage to his art collection, including two Andy Warhol paintings. Lindy Lou Layman, 29, was arrested Saturday on criminal mischief charges after her date with Anthony Buzbee. She was released on $30,000 bond. Online court records don't list an attorney for her. Prosecutors say Buzbee, 49, told investigators that Layman got too intoxicated on their date, so he called her an Uber after they returned to his home. Buzbee said Layman refused to leave and hid inside the home, and that when he found her and called a second Uber, she got aggressive. Authorities said she tore down several paintings and poured red wine on some while yelling obscenities. She also allegedly threw two $20,000 sculptures across the room and shattered them. The damaged Warhol paintings were each valued at $500,000 in court documents. Buzbee has represented high-profile figures, including former Texas Gov. Rick Perry in an abuse-of-power case. Then- candidate Donald Trump also visited his home last year when Buzbee held a fundraiser and donated $250,000 to Trump's presidential campaign. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Allison Re: Darken picture setting Dear Webby, is there an easy way to darken an evening landscape with a digital camera like you would on a film camera by chosing a higher f-stop number? And still leave everything else set the same? Thanks Allison Dear Allison Yes, sure there is! Just flip open the flash. Even though the camera's computer knows that flash won't have any effect on distant landscapes or clouds, a good camera takes the hint and shortens the exposure time a bit. The result is the same as if you had closed the iris by one or two f-stops. Another trick is to change the setting from night to day. Not all, but many cameras take the hint. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. From Chuck W Speaking of Jackie, his two sons, Aaron and Ty, spent the night with me last week. Aaron always writes me a story when here, and Ty-Ty likes for me to scan and print cartoon pages he can color. I always give them folders to put their work in. When they got home, Marijane was unpacking their bag and said she nearly fainted. Ty-Ty had two folders -- one was clearly marked "fineshit" and the other "unfineshit." She said she called him in and shrieked, "What is this -- what IS this!?" Ty-Ty looked at her, clearly puzzled. "That one," he said, pointing to the first one, is "finished," and that one is "unfinished."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were. "Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium, ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked ones," I answered. "All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Leftover cereal for casseroles use leftover or stale cereal as a casserole topper. Just crumble it up and use in place of or in addition to crackers. Not all types of cereal work well for this. For example, fruit loops (or other sweetened cereal) probably wouldn't work well as a casserole topper, but cheerios and corn flakes can taste fantastic. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour. Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!" "Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
Removing 200 years of varnish from a painting.
The farmer took pity on a young passerby and agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment was to paint the barn, which he did, including the tail of the donkey that poked through knot hole in the barn. The farmer was furious, but promised to give the boy another chance. This time he told him to string barb wire around the farm land, which he did, but when the rooster wouldn't stay out of the way he nailed him by accident to the fence post. The farmer this time was more furious that the last time, but again promised to give the boy one last chance. This time he told him to mow the yard, which he did, but the grass was so high he didn't see the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the poor kitty over, hurting him badly. The farmer got so furious this time he called the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested. "Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he painted my ass red, Next he nailed my cock to the fence and finally, he ran over my wife's pussy with a lawn mower!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 30, in 
1460 At the Battle of Wakefield, in England's Wars of the
Roses, the Duke of York was defeated and killed by the

1853 The United States bought about 45,000 square miles of
land from Mexico in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase. 

1879 Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance" was
first performed, at Paignton, Devon, England. 

1880 The Transvaal was declared a republic. Paul Kruger
became its first president. 

1887 A petition to Queen Victoria with over one million names
of women appealing for public houses to be closed on Sundays
was handed to the home secretary. 

1903 About 600 people died when fire broke out at the
Iroquois Theater in Chicago, IL. 

1919 Lincoln's Inn, in London, admitted the first female bar

1922 The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) was

1924 Edwin Hubble announced the existence of other galactic

1927 The first subway in the Orient was dedicated in Tokyo,

1935 Italian bombers destroyed a Sweedish Red Cross unit in

1936 The United Auto Workers union staged its first sit-down
strike, at the Fisher Body Plant in Flint, MI. 

1940 California's first freeway was officially opened. It was
the Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena.

1944 King George II of Greece proclaimed a regency to rule
his country, virtually renouncing the throne. 

1947 King Michael of Romania abdicated in favor of a
Communist Republic. He claimed he was forced from his throne.

1948 "Kiss Me Kate" opened at the New Century Theatre in New
York City. Cole Porter composed the music for the classic
play that ran for 1,077 performances. 

1954 James Arness made his dramatic TV debut in "The Chase".
The "Gunsmoke" series didn’t begin for Arness until the fall
of 1955. 

1961 Jack Nicklaus lost his first attempt at pro golf to Gary
Player in an exhibition match in Miami, FL. 

1972 The United States halted its heavy bombing of North

1976 The Smothers Brothers, Tom and Dick, played their last
show at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas and retired as a team
from show business. Both continued as solo artists and they
reunited several years later. 

1980 "The Wonderful World of Disney" was cancelled by NBC
after more than 25 years on the TV. It was the longest-
running series in prime-time television history. 

1993 Israel and the Vatican established diplomatic relations.

1996 A passenger train was bombed by Bodo separatists in
India's eastern state of Assam. At least 26 people were
killed and dozens were seriously injured. 

1996 About 250,000 striking workers shut down vital services
across Israel in protests against budget cuts proposed by
Prime Minister Netanyahu. 

1997 More than 400 people were massacred in four villages in
the single worst incident during Algeria's insurgency.

2017  smiled.

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Choosing a Head Set 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, December 29
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Georgia man pulls gun at Burger King 
after complaining about slow service
Today, December 29 in
1170 St. Thomas Becket, the 40th archbishop of Canterbury,
was murdered in his own cathedral by four knights acting on
Henry II's orders. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. --- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!" ____________________________________________________ Jack was driving home after a hard days work, and he was not in a good mood. Nothing at the office had gone right, and so when he was about to make the turn off and a car came wildly careening around the corner in his lane, he was furious! To make matters worse, the lady driving the car, a former neighbor whom he knew well, stuck her head out the window and screamed, "PIG! PIG!" Jack couldn't contain himself any longer. He rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and shouted, "OLD BATTLE AXE!" Still fuming, he drove around the corner . . . and ran into a pig, standing in the middle of the road. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ While looking for a nice picture I cam across this one from 2008. Had to laugh about the description I had given it: The view from my desk showed a smokey sunset again last night. Those forest fires just south of the border have been putting more greenhouse gases and hot air into the atmosphere every day, than all the politicians of the world combined can do in a year. If those fires are not extinguished soon, then all the global warming and ice age fear mongering theories will have to be reversed AGAIN. Those theory reversals just make the ecologists sound like McCain or Kerry. Amusing, but not very credible. ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out..."Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete ass of myself in sex-education class, by repeating stories concerning storks, as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Emanjula Daracus Brown, Lawrenceville, Georgia Georgia man pulls gun at Burger King after complaining about slow service A man threw a drink and pointed a gun at Burger King employees in Georgia on Dec. 23 because he and his family were not served promptly, according to a police report. Emanjula Daracus Brown was with his wife and three children at the Burger King in Lawrenceville waiting for food, according to the report. Employees told police that Brown and his wife, who was not arrested, became “irate” and began throwing drinks at the employees while waiting for their order. Brown also pulled a gun out and pointed it at the employees, they told police. Brown and his family had left the restaurant by the time officers arrived, but an officer soon pulled Brown’s car over, the report said. Brown told the officer that he was being “respectful and polite” at the Burger King, where he was in a long line of people waiting for food. Brown said he saw a manager on her phone, not helping prepare food, and asked her to get off her phone and assist in completing the orders. The manager “responded very rudely and began to get in his face,” Brown told police. Brown said he continued to be polite, but the manager threw a cup of liquid at him. Brown then threw a cup of liquid at the manager and demanded a refund, he told police. The manager then threw a cup of coffee at Brown and threatened to throw hot oil at him, Brown told police. Brown’s wife got a gun from their car, but Brown took it from her and put it in his back pocket, he told police. While Brown was stopped and interviewed by a police officer, another officer reviewed surveillance footage and interviewed the manager that Brown said threw beverages at him. Brown was arrested, and the manager was not. Brown has been charged with simple battery, battery, aggravated assault, criminal trespass damage, possession of a firearm or knife during the commission of a felony, misdemeanor third-degree child cruelty and felony third- degree child cruelty. More charges may be added. Bullshitting the police is frowned upon. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Tiny Re: Headset Dear Webby, I'm interested in getting a mic. for my computer. Preferably one with a headset. Could you reccomend a good one with little or no feedback and distortion? Thanks in advance! Tiny Dear Tiny Modern headsets don't have feedback or distortion problems. As long as you avoid the single ear types, just about any headset will be fine. Cup types are more comfortable than ON-Ear, and those are more comfortable than IN-Ear. With Cup and ON-Ear the leather (or fake leather) cushion types are more comfortable and usually have better acoustics than the bare foam cushion types, but are also more expensive. Unless you have "tall hair", traditional over-the-head hoops are more comfortable than behind-the-head horizontal hoops. If you browse to and type headset into the search field, you will see about 10 headsets ranging from $6 to just over $20. They even have a wireless headset for under $10. If you want top quality sound, try their Cyber Accoustics Pro, but if you are just going to use it for hands free phone calls via Skype, the $6 headset is quite good enough. Skype is quite good at filtering out non-essential backgrounds. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court. The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, your Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Empty Tennis Ball Containers If you have a tennis player in the family, save those empty tennis ball containers. They are the perfect size for bringing silverware to a cookout or picnic. You can also use them to hold you tent stakes when you go camping. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ "Oh Doctor, My husband thinks he is a chicken." "Oh no - how long has this been going on?" "About a year!" "A year! Why did you wait so long to come see me?" "Well, we needed the eggs."
Removing 200 years of varnish from a painting.
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John answered, "Mom." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 29, in 
1170 St. Thomas à Becket, the 40th archbishop of Canterbury,
was murdered in his own cathedral by four knights acting on
Henry II's orders. 

1812 The USS Constitution won a battle with the British ship
HMS Java about 30 miles off the coast of Brazil. Before
Commodore William Bainbridge ordered the sinking of the Java
he had her wheel removed to replace the one the Constitution
had lost during the battle. 

1813 The British burned Buffalo, NY, during the War of 1812. 

1837 Canadian militiamen destroyed the Caroline, a U.S.
steamboat docked at Buffalo, NY. 

1848 U.S. President James Polk turned on the first gas light
at the White House. 

1860 The HMS Warrior, Britain's first seagoing iron-hulled
warship, was launched. 

1888 The first performance of Macbeth took place at the
Lyceum Theatre. 

1890 The U.S. Seventh Cavalry massacred over 400 men, women
and children at Wounded Knee Creek, SD. This was the last
major conflict between Indians and U.S. troops. 

1895 The Jameson Raid from Mafikeng into Transvaal, which
attempted to overthrow Kruger's Boer government, started. 

1911 Sun Yat-sen became the first president of a republican

1913 "The Unwelcome Throne" was released by Selig’s Polyscope
Company. This was a moving picture and the first serial
motion picture. 

1934 Japan renounced the Washington Naval Treaty of 1922 and
the London Naval Treaty of 1930. 

1940 During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary
bombs on London. 

1945 The mystery voice of Mr. Hush was heard for the first
time on the radio show, "Truth or Consequences", hosted by
Ralph Edwards. 

1945 Sheb Wooley recorded the first commercial record made in
Nashville, TN. 

1949 KC2XAK of Bridgeport, Connecticut became the first
ultrahigh frequency (UHF) television station to begin
operating on a regular daily schedule. 

1952 The first transistorized hearing aid was offered for
sale by Sonotone Corporation. 

1975 A bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's
LaGuardia Airport. 11 people were killed. 

1985 Phil Donahue and a Soviet radio commentator hosted the
"Citizens’ Summit" via satellite TV. 

1986 The Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, FL, reopened for
business after eighteen years and $47 million expended on

1989 Following Hong Kong's decision to forcibly repatriate
some Vietnamese refugees, thousands of Vietnamese 'boat
people' battled with riot police. 

1989 Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia by
the country's Federal Assembly. He was the first non-
Communist to hold the position in more than four decades. 

1996 The Guatemalan government and leaders of the leftist
Guatemalan National Revolutionary Union signed a peace accord
in Guatemala City, ending a civil war that had lasted 36

1997 Hong Kong began killing 1.25 million chickens, the
entire population, for fear of the spread of 'bird flu.' 

1998 Khmer Rouge leaders apologized for the 1970s genocide in
Cambodia that claimed 1 million lives. 

1999 The Nasdaq composite index closed at 4,041.46. It was
the first close above 4,000.

2017  smiled.

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OE Address book pilfered 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, December 28

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Ohio wannabe store robber caught with 
VERY fake gun
Today, December 28 in
1869 William E. Semple, of Mt. Vernon, OH, patented an
acceptable chewing gum.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. --- Carl Jung ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright - you can have your freaking deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it....!" ____________________________________________________ A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a depression." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Bank is closed today ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man then proceeded to look directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jeffrey Derringer, 48, Akron, Ohio Ohio wannabe store robber caught with VERY fake gun Employees and customers of a convenience store in Akron fought back during an attempted robbery. It happened at about 2 p.m. Monday at the Circle K on North Main Street. Akron police said the suspect, who is a known customer, entered the building and waved what appeared to be a rifle above his head. The man, identified as Jeffrey Derringer, told everyone to get on the floor, police said. He wanted the cash register open. One employee ran and called police. That’s when a second employee realized the gun was fake, ran around the counter and confronted Derringer, with the help of three customers. Derringer ran from the store, but was caught by workers and witnesses. He was detained until police arrived. The 48-year-old Akron man was charged with aggravated robbery and taken to the Summit County Jail. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ted Re: OE Address book pilfered Dear Webby, Somehow someone got into my address book and is sending virus laden messages with my e-mail address as the sender to another person in my address book. My Virus checker (McAfee) says I have no known viruses Is it spyware that does that? How do I prevent it in the future? Thanks, Ted Dear Ted That is one of the reasons some of us don't like Outlook or Outlook Depressed. Probably some spyware harvested your Outlook Depressed address book and passed the information on. About all you can do now is change your address, so that at least you won't get the bounce-backs. For the future I would highly recommend upgrading to a another mail program, and to run Spybot-Search&Destroy now and then. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. "Make me one with everything," the Buddhist monk said to the hot-dog vendor who was hawking food near the temple. The vendor made a frank with mustard, ketchup, relish, and onions. The monk took it and handed over a twenty-dollar bill. The vendor stashed the cash in his apron and turned his attention to the next customer. "But where's my change?" the monk inquired. "Change must come from within, my friend," said the vendor.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Dave for this story: One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Storing Bedding, Clothing and Soft Toys This is a great idea to store all your bedding, out of season clothes, material and stuffed animals. Simply use heavy duty garbage bags and fill them as full as you can but still able to gather the top together. Put your vacuum attachment into the opening close the top around it. Hold it tightly turn on your vacuum and watch it shrink to about 1/4 of the size. By Brenda Tip provided by Now you cann get clear, heavy dyty grbage bags. Then you can see at a glance what the contents are. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ The computer swallowed grandma Yes, honestly it's true. She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me! This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer... They are the greatest!!! -------------- And some GreatGrammas too!
The fainting goats of Tennessee.
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Morro Bay, California, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent chilly spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. (?) It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical! Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed 11 stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants! for the night. That's when he left her and moved to Alaska, where they dont have any snakes ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 28, in 

1065 Westminster Abbey was consecrated under Edward the

1694 Queen Mary II of England died after five years of
joint rule with her husband, King William III. 

1732 "The Pennsylvania Gazette," owned by Benjamin
Franklin, ran an ad for the first issue of "Poor Richard’s

1836 Mexico's independence was recognized by Spain. 

1869 William E. Semple, of Mt. Vernon, OH, patented an
acceptable chewing gum. 

1877 John Stevens applied for a patent for his flour-
rolling mill, which boosted production by 70%. 

1879 In Dundee, Scotland the central portion of the Tay
Bridge collapsed as a train was passing over it. 75 people
were killed. 

1895 In Paris, the first commercial public screening of
cinematographic films took place. 

1897 "Cyrano de Bergerac," the play by Edmond Rostand,
premiered in Paris, France. 

1908 An earthquake killed over 75,000 at Messina in Sicily.

1912 The first municipally-owned street cars were used on
the streets of San Francisco, CA. 

1917 The New York Evening Mail published a facetious essay
by H.L. Mencken on the history of bathtubs in America. 

1926 The highest recorded cricket innings score of 1,107
runs was hit by Victoria, against New South Wales, in

1937 The Irish Free State became the Republic of Ireland
when a new constitution established the country as a
sovereign state under the name of Eire. 

1942 R.O. Sullivan crossed the Atlantic Ocean for the 100th

1945 The U.S. Congress officially recognized the "Pledge of

1964 Initial filming of the movie "Dr. Zhivago" began on
location near Madrid, Spain. The movies total running time
is 197 minutes. 

1973 The Chamber of Commerce of Akron, OH, terminated its
association with the All-American Soap Box Derby. It was
stated that the race had become "a victim of cheating and

1973 Alexander Solzhenitsyn published "Gulag Archipelago,"
an expose of the Soviet prison system. 

1981 Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube
baby, was born in Norfolk, VA. 

1982 Nevell Johnson Jr. was mortally wounded by a police
officer in a Miami video arcade. The event set off three
days of race riots, that left another man dead. 

1987 The bodies of 14 relatives of R. Gene Simmons were
found at his home near Dover, AR. Simmons had gone on a
shooting spree in Russellville that claimed two other

1989 Alexander Dubcek, who had been expelled from the
Communist Party in 1970, was elected speaker of the Czech

1991 Nine people died in a rush to get into a basketball
game at City College in New York. 

1995 Pressure from German prosecutors investigating
pornography forced CompuServe to set a precedent by
blocking access to sex-oriented newsgroups on the Internet
for its customers. 

2000 U.S. District Court Judge Matsch held a hearing to
ensure that confessed Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh
understood that he was dropping his appeals. McVeigh said
that he wanted an execution date set, but wanted to reserve
the right to seek presidential clemency.  

2017  smiled.

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Using a PC as a fax machine 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, December 27

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Fugitive arrested when he tried to rob 
Newark airport store
Today, December 27 in
1845 Dr. Crawford Williamson-Long used anesthesia for
childbirth for the first time. The event was the delivery
of his own child in Jefferson, GA. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ "More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done." --- David Letterman ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" _____________________________________________________ The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grand- father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ernesto Rodriguez-Zazueta, 46, Newark, NJ Fugitive arrested when he tried to rob Newark airport store One man was taken into custody Friday morning when he tried to rob an electronics store in Newark Airport, authorities said. Ernesto Rodriguez-Zazueta, 46, who authorities said was a fugitive from the Drug Enforcement Agency, was arrested by Port Authority Police inside the airport. Rodriguez-Zazueta allegedly entered a Blue Wire Electronics store in Terminal C of Newark Airport Friday around 7 a.m., authorities said. He went behind the counter, and used a pen to mimic a weapon while demanding cash from a shop worker, they said. The worker struggled with Rodriguez-Zazueta, but was able to call Port Authority Police. Officers apprehended and arrested Rodriguez-Zazueta. One officer sustained minor injuries while in a struggle with Rodriguez-Zazueta, but was quickly treated, authorities said. During processing, police said Rodriguez-Zazueta gave several false names before officers discovered his true identity. Records show that Rodriguez-Zazueta was the subject of a federal arrest warrant for illegal drug sales, and was listed on the DEA's most wanted list. The report was filed by St. Louis DEA officials, but Rodriguez-Zazueta's last listed address was in Norfolk, Nebraska. Rodriguez-Zazueta was charged with robbery, resisting arrest and for hindering apprehension. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Eddie Re: Using my PC for a Fax machine Dear Webby, I have "Windows 10".... So can it work? and how much does this cost? Eddie Dear Eddie All it will cost you is reading the instructions. You got the Fax already included in w10 and just have to set it up. It acts just like a printer. When you hit CTRL P to print, then you select FAX instead of the regular printer. If, for some reason, your built in fax does not work, or if you dont have a spare connection to your phone line, then browse to You can use that from anywhere, even if you dont have access to a phone line, for example if you are using the WiFi at the donut shop. You can send 5 pages for free, and a small nominal fee, ($1,99) for 25 pages. I have used for many years. Never any problem, as long as the recipient has paper in their fax machine. I use them mainly because I dont like receiving junk faxes, which is a real problem when you have a business number. So I dont have Winfax set up or even a phone line connected to the computer. For the few faxes I send, FaxZero is the perfect solution. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man, replied, "it's Thursday." The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Italian Vermicelli Soup By suz1230 [8 Posts, 20 Comments] There's nothing like a hot bowl of beefy soup when it's cold outside. This is one of those soups that are really fail safe in that you can't really hurt it if you don't follow the directions exactly. Prep Time: 20 min approx Cook Time: 2 and 1/2 hrs approx. Total Time: Start to finish about 2.5 hrs-3hrs Ingredients: 3-4 lb chuck roast 2-3 Tbsp oil (to sear the chuck roast) 3/4 cup chopped white or yellow onion 2-3 leaves bay leaves 1/4 tsp salt or to taste preference 1/4-1/3 tsp pepper 1/4-3/4 tsp Italian seasoning 2-4 cubes beef bouillon 4-5 cups water 1/2 lb spaghetti pasta or Vermicelli pasta 1 can petite diced tomatoes Steps: Sear the chuck roast meat. You want a really good sear on both sides. Almost to the point where you think its going to burn it, but don't burn it. Cook at a medium high heat about 7ish minutes on each side. You'll know when it's super browned you've got that great sear. Coarsely chop your onion while the chuck roast is searing. When the meat is seared real good on both sides, throw your chopped onion into the same pot. Cook the onion on the medium high heat with your meat until the onions are caramelized slightly. Pour in your water and spices. Turn the heat down to the lowest simmer and put on a lid. The meat with the water and spices are going to now cook for 2-3 hrs, depending on when the meat is tender to your preference. Check the pot about every 45 min to an hour or so, because you may need to add 1/8 of a cup of water to it in a hour to an hour and a half, as it will reduce. In another pot cook your pasta, then drain it and just put a little oil on it, as to keep it from sticking together, and stir that around in the pot it cooked in just to get the pasta "oiled very very lightly", as you'll be adding that to the beef stock when the meat is done cooking. When the meat is done to your desired tenderness (mine was about 2.5 hrs), then turn off the pot of stock and using a meat fork, remove the meat from the pot so you can cut or tear it up into bite size pieces. Now add your cooked and drained pasta back into the beef stock. Now add your cut or torn up Chuck roast back into the pot with the stock and pasta. Add the diced tomatoes and a touch of salt and pepper on top of all that. Now it's ready. Tip provided by For the busy bachelor version you can use Italian or Farmer sausage for the meat cut in half lengthwise and then sliced. Sear it with the onion. Go ahead and just use the whole onion. Add a teaspoon of Minsestrone soup powder from the Bulk Barn instead of the oxo cubes. For the pasta, when done, "scare it" with a cup of cold water to make it non-stick, just like the Italian chefs do, before you tip it into the colander. For the tomatoes I use "stewed tomatoes", unless I have a fresh one handy. Either way, the tomatoes need to be stired in and simmered for a few minutes to get the real Italian flavor going. I usually have leftovers for the next day and simply add veggies. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Maria for this story: A man is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor, his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. The man is dragged off to court with his wife and mother- in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it can be fulfilled. The man's wife is first and she requests that a pillow be bound to her rear end before the lashings. The wish is granted, but because the pillow is too small, and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is the man's mother-in-law's turn. Since she saw what happened to her daughter, she requests a pillow to be bound on her rear end and a pillow be bound on her back before the lashings. The mother in law's wish is granted and she receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then it is the man's turn, and he tells the leader of the royal family, "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" The leader says, "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." So, the man says, "I would like a hundred lashes instead of fifty." The executioner is surprised, but says, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" And the man says, "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
The beautifully painted Monasteries of Romania. It's amazing to me what colorful paintings ancient men did without the modern paints we have today.
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some members daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte." "You've found her Father." smiled the lady. "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms. "That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 27, in 
1703 The Methuen Treaty was signed between Portugal and
England, giving preference to the import of Portuguese
wines into England. 

1831 Charles Darwin set out on a voyage to the Pacific
aboard the HMS Beagle. Darwin's discoveries during the
voyage helped him form the basis of his theories on

1845 Dr. Crawford Williamson Long used anesthesia for
childbirth for the first time. The event was the delivery
of his own child in Jefferson, GA. 

1900 Carrie Nation staged her first raid on a saloon at the
Carey Hotel in Wichita, KS. She broke each and every one of
the liquor bottles that could be seen. 

1904 James Barrie's play "Peter Pan" premiered in London. 

1927 Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party. 

1938 The first skimobile course in America opened in North
Conway, NH. 

1945 The World Bank was created with an agreement signed by
28 nations. 

1947 The children's television program "Howdy Doody,"
hosted by Bob Smith, made its debut on NBC. 

1949 Queen Juliana of the Netherlands granted sovereignty
to Indonesia after more than 300 years of Dutch rule. 

1951 In Cincinnati, OH, a Crosley automobile, with a
steering wheel on the right side, became the first vehicle
of its kind to be placed in service for mail delivery. 

1965 The BP oil rig Sea Gem capsized in the North Sea, with
the loss of 13 lives. 

1978 Spain adopted a new constitution and became a
democracy after 40 years of dictatorship. 

1979 Soviet forces seized control of Afghanistan. Babrak
Karmal succeeded President Hafizullah Amin, who was
overthrown and executed. 

1985 Palestinian guerrillas opened fire inside the Rome and
Vienna airports. A total of twenty people were killed,
including five of the attackers, who were slain by police
and security personnel. 

1985 Dian Fossey, an American naturalist, was found
murdered at a research station in Rawanda. 

1992 The U.S. shot down an Iraqi fighter jet during what
the Pentagon described as a confrontation between a pair of
Iraqi warplanes and U.S. F-16 jets in U.N.-restricted
airspace over southern Iraq. 

1996 Muslim fundamentalist Taliban forces retook the
strategic air base of Bagram, solidifying their buffer zone
around Kabul, the Afghanistan capital. 

1997 In Northern Ireland, Billy Wright was assassinated. He
was imprisoned as a Protestant paramilitary leader. 

2000 Mario Lemeiux (Pittsburgh Penguins) returned to the
National Hockey League (NHL) as a player after over 3 years
of retirement. He was the first owner-player in the modern
era of pro sports. Lemieux had purchased the Pittsburgh
Penguins during his retirement from playing. 

2001 U.S. President George W. Bush granted China permanent
normal trade status with the United States. 

2002 North Korea ordered U.N. nuclear inspectors to leave
the country and said that it would restart a laboratory
capable of producing plutonium for nuclear weapons. 

2002 Clonaid announced the birth of the first cloned human
baby. The baby had been born December 26. 

2002 In Chechnya, at least 40 people were killed when
suicide bombers attacked the administartion of Grozny.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, December 26
Happy Boxing Day!

Thank You, Ian!
Thank you Nancy!

-28 and a brutal wind filled with drifting snow made my
walk so uncomfortable, that I shortened my route. It was
a reminder of Carl Sagans "Ice Age is Coming" rant from
the 70s, that got you feeling guilty about fun muscle cars.

So you got rid of powerful cars, and got Gullible Warming.
What now, is the cause of the current cold ripple? 

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Older Couple Caught With 60 Pounds Of Pot 
Said It Was For Christmas Gifts
Today, December 26 in
1865 The coffee percolator was patented by James H. Mason.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. --- Carl Zwanzig A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. --- William S. Burroughs (1914 - 1997) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? _____________________________________________________ One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Split Rock, Minnesota ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ 'LOST' screamed the ad in a local paper in Celina, Ohio. 'Female medium-size gray tiger cat. Answers to Lucy, sometimes, or Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, sometimes, or the sound of an electric can opener, always.' _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Patrick Jiron, 80, Clearlake Oaks, California Older Couple Caught With 60 Pounds Of Pot Said It Was For Christmas Gifts The street value of the Christmas haul was estimated at $336,000. A routine traffic stop in York County, Nebraska, on Tuesday turned out to be anything but routine. That’s because officers found 60 pounds of pot in the vehicle, which was occupied by an older couple traveling on Interstate 80, according to the York News-Times. Deputies in York County stopped a Toyota Tacoma after it crossed the center line and the driver failed to signal. Deputies said they immediately smelled what appeared to be raw marijuana. When drug-sniffing dogs confirmed their suspicion, officers searched the pickup and found the weed in boxes inside the pickup topper, the newspaper reported. York County sheriff’s Lt. Paul Vrbka told the paper he estimated the confiscated cannabis to be worth about $336,000. Patrick Jiron, 80, was arrested on charges of possession of marijuana with the intent to deliver and having no drug tax stamp, both felonies. Jiron was released after he posted 10 percent of his $100,000 bond, according to the York News-Times. His wife, 70-year-old Barbara Jiron, was cited but not jailed due to what Vrbka described as ”some medical issues.” Vrbka said the couple told police they were traveling to Vermont from Clearlake Oaks, California, and intended to give out the weed as Christmas presents, according to _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Eliza Re: How long to keep blacklist? Dear Webby, You mentioned at one time how long to keep addresses in the Mailwasher blacklist. I am quite happy with MailWasher, but I noticed that the blacklist file is getting quite large, and sooner or later that must be putting a load on my machine. And how do you deal with spammers that keep changing their forged sending addresses? Eliza Dear Eliza MailWasher generally ignores the sender address, unless it is in the blacklist, since most spammers forge their sender address anyway. MailWasher checks the content of spam. Persistent spammers like the Bed & Bath crooks are best dealt with a filter. It takes 20 seconds to make a filter, and you never see mail from those crooks again. To keep the blacklist short and fast, I age it off in two days. By then the spammers usually change their address anyway. For those of you who haven't got MailWasher yet, click on the MailWasher button in the right side menu and get a free trial copy. DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A man is sitting down on a public toilet when suddenly, the guy in the stall next to him says: Hi, how are you? Um...fine, answers the man. What are you up to? asks the other guy. I?m traveling, the man says hesitantly. "Are you coming over soon?" "Excuse me?" Mind if I stop over?? What? ARE YOU CRAZY? Don?t even think of coming over here!" Hey, Ill call you back, says the other guy. The idiot in the next stall thinks I am talkin to him.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Put Luggage to Use This is a handy tip if you don't use your luggage regularly. Instead of storing it empty, fill it up with out of season clothing or extra blankets. Attach a tag that lists to contents on the handle so you can see what is in it at a glance. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is a check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
The beautifully painted Monasteries of Romania. It's amazing to me what colorful paintings ancient men did without the modern paints we have today.
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two big men in gangster suits standing by the door? They're hushers." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 26, in 
1620 The Pilgrim Fathers landed at New Plymouth, MA, to
found Plymouth Colony, with John Carver as Governor. 

1776 The British suffered a major defeat in the Battle of
Trenton during the American Revolutionary War. 

1865 The coffee percolator was patented by James H. Mason. 

1898 Marie and Pierre Curie discovered radium. 

1908 Texan boxer "Galveston Jack" Johnson knocked out Tommy
Burns in Sydney, Australia, to become the first black
to win the world heavyweight title. 

1917 During World War I, the U.S. government took over
operation of the nation's railroads to prevent strikes. 

1921 The Catholic Irish Free State became a self-governing
dominion of Great Britain. 

1927 The East-West Shrine football game featured numbers on
both the front and back of players’ jerseys. 

1941 Winston Churchill became the first British prime
minister to address a joint meeting of the U.S. Congress. 

1941 U.S. President Roosevelt signed a resolution that set 
a fixed-date, the fourth Thursday of November, for the
Federal Thanksgiving Day holiday. 

1943 The German battlecruiser Scharnhorst was sunk in the
North Sea, during the Battle of North Cape. 

1944 Tennessee Williams' play "The Glass Menagerie" was
first performed publicly, at the Civic Theatre in Chicago,

1947 Heavy snow blanketed the Northeast United States,
burying New York City under 25.8 inches of snow in 16
hours. The severe weather was blamed for about 80 deaths. 

1953 "Big Sister" was heard for the last time on CBS Radio.
The show had run for 17 years. 

1956 Fidel Castro attempted a secret landing in Cuba to
overthrow the Batista regime. All but 11 of his supporters
were killed. 

1959 The first charity walk took place, along Icknield Way,
in aid of the World Refugee Fund. 

1982 The Man of the Year in "TIME" magazine was a computer.
It was the first time a non-human received the honors. 

1986 Doug Jarvis, age 31, set a National Hockey League
(NHL) record as he skated in his 916th consecutive game.
Jarvis eventually set the individual record for most
consecutive games played with 964. 

1986 "Search for Tomorrow" was seen for the last time on
CBS-TV. The show had been on the air for 35-years. 

1991 The Soviet Union's parliament formally voted the
country out of existence. 

1995 Israel turned dozens of West Bank villages over to the
Palestinian Authority. 

1996 Six-year-old beauty queen Jon Benet Ramsey was found
beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home
in Boulder, CO. 

1998 Iraq announced that it would fire on U.S. and British
warplanes that patrol the skies over northern and southern

1999 Alfonso Portillo, a populist lawyer, won Guatemala's
first peacetime presidential elections in 40 years. 

2000 Michael McDermott, age 42, opened fire at his place of
employment killing seven people. McDermott had no criminal

2002 The first cloned human baby was born. The announcement
was made the December 27 by Clonaid. 

2004 Under the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake
sent 500-mph waves across the Indian Ocean and Bay of
Bengal. The tsunami killed at least 283,000 people in a
dozen countries, including Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Sumatra,
Thailand and India.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, December 25

Merry Christmas!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Car jackers caught thanks to navigation system
Today, December 25 in
1223 St. Francis of Assisi assembled one of the first
Nativity scenes, in Greccio, Italy. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality. --- Norman Douglas ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Several weeks after Christmas, I stopped by my sister's house and my 7 year old nephew greeted me with, "Thanks for the Sea Scout Signal Whistle you gave me for Christmas! It's the best present I ever got." "That's great, Did you learn how to pipe any signals on it?" "Oh, I don't play with it," the little guy said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to blow it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to blow it at night." _____________________________________________________ Anni got a part time job in a local restaurant to pick up a little spare change. She was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them but a co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. A nervous Anni served all the lunches successfully last Saturday utilizing every stand he could find. Afterward Anni was concerned about an elderly couple that had finished some time ago and paid their check, but remained sitting at the table. When Anni asked if everything had been all right, the man said quietly, " Yes, It was fine, dear," , "but my wife and I would like to leave now and we were wondering if she could please have her walker back?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD." Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38) Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Christopher Bellamy, 25, of West Palm Beach Elias Evans, 19, of Riviera Beach, Floriduh Car jackers arrested Two men are being held without bond at the Palm Beach County Jail after they allegedly carjacked a man of a vehicle he had just purchased, according to an arrest report. Christopher Bellamy, 25, of West Palm Beach and Elias Evans, 19, of Riviera Beach are each facing charges of carjacking with a firearm and robbery with a firearm. The carjacking victim, who is 22 and from Lantana, was forced at gunpoint Friday to give up his 2009 BMW, his gold teeth, a belt and $143 in cash, the report said. A passenger in the BMW was robbed of $20 and an iPhone. The passenger, a 17-year-old boy, told Riviera Beach police he was contacted by a man he knows only as “Deandre” to hang out on the 1100 block of West 23rd Street, just north of Blue Heron Boulevard. After about 30 minutes, the 17- year-old called his friend, the BMW owner, to pick him up, the report said. As the BMW was pulling away, Deandre knocked on a rear window and asked for a ride to the store. He got into the car along with Bellamy and Evans, the report said. Deandre then allegedly pulled a gun and put it in the driver’s face. “This is how it is going to go down,” Deandre told the driver. After robbing the driver and passenger, the three men jumped into the BMW and left. The vehicle was equipped with a navigation system that allowed police to track its location. Riviera Beach police, assisted by West Palm Beach police, arrested Bellamy and Evans as they exited the car at 10th Street and Tamarind Avenue in West Palm Beach. The man known as Deandre has not yet been arrested. Bellamy and Evans refused to speak to police after their arrest, the report said. A phone belonging to the BMW’s owner was allegedly found in Bellamy’s possession, police say. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Maria Re: HTML from MS WORD Dear Webby, I write my web pages by saving MS WORD docs as HTML. Usually that works OK. When it didn't, I asked my ISP to look at it and fix it. He got quite rude about it and was of no help. Can you fix it for me? Maria Dear Maria No, I won't, but I'll try not to get rude about it. The HTML produced by WORD does sorta work, but it is definitely not suitable for quick fixes or updating. The code looks awful and any fixes are very time consuming, especially when compared to clean HTML. Your best bet is to just write a new doc and convert that, or use a proper HTML editor to write your pages. I doubt that you will find any volunteer to fix that page. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about on TV. "Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six overaged destroyers." To which the husband replied, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to the Folks from Erie for this story: Got my new truck ! I just got my new Chevy pickup, but had to take it back to the dealer because I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this." He said "NELSON." The radio replied "Ricky or Willie?" He said "WILLIE" - - and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say "BEETHOVEN" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "BEATLES" I'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "AS******S!" The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on booze. Darn, I LOVE my truck! ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Sock Puppet Craft Turn a lonely sock into a sock puppet. You can use buttons for the eyes and nose or buy googly eyes at a craft store. Make a head of hair for you puppet out of yarn. Craft felt can be used for further embellishments. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ At an international conference, an American, a British and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. "I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die of AIDS." "I know what you mean." said the British. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die." "That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! My all time favorite....Holdman Christmas Lights 2010 - Complete Show
Thanks to Phil for this: "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul." Of course, Paul's support is obvious, but it is equally obvious that to rob from Peter to pay Paul will make Peter very, very angry. My question is this: "How can you run a good government with a sore Peter?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 25, in 
0800 Charlemagne was crowned first Holy Roman Emperor in
Rome by Pope Leo III. 

1066 William the Conqueror was crowned king of England. 

1223 St. Francis of Assisi assembled one of the first
Nativity scenes, in Greccio, Italy. 

1776 Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the
Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces
at Trenton, NJ. 

1818 "Silent Night" was performed for the first time, at
the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorff, Austria. That
church is now a chapel honoring that event. 

1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional
pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion
that resulted in the Civil War. 

1914 During World War I, British and German troops observed
an unofficial truce and even playing football together on
the Western Front. 

1917 The play "Why Marry?" opened at the Astor Theatre in
New York City. "Why Marry?" was the first dramatic play to
win a Pulitzer Prize. 

1926 Hirohito became the emperor of Japan after the death
of his father Emperor Taisho. 

1930 The Mt. Van Hoevenberg bobsled run at Lake Placid, New
York opened to the public. It was the first bobsled track
of international specifications to open in the U.S. 

1937 Arturo Toscanini conducted the first broadcast of
"Symphony of the Air" over NBC radio. 

1939 "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was read on
CBS radio for the first time. 

1941 Hong Kong surrendered to the Japanese. 

1962 The Department of Commerce Census Clock in Washington,
DC, recorded the U.S. population on this day as

1972 The Nicaraguan capital Managua was hit by an
earthquake. Over 10,000 people were killed. 

1979 The USSR invaded Afghanistan in a bid to halt civil
war and protect USSR interests. 

1989 Ousted Romanian President Nicolae Ceausescu and his
wife, Elena, were executed following a popular uprising. 

1989 Dissident playwright Vaclav Havel was elected
president of Czechoslovakia. 

1991 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev went on
television to announce his resignation as leader of a
Communist superpower that had already gone out of

1998 Seven days into their journey, Richard Branson, Steve
Fossett and Per Lindstrand of Sweden gave up their attempt
to make the first nonstop round-the-world balloon flight.
They ditched near Hawaii. 

2000 Over 300 people were killed and dozens were injured by
fire at a Christmas party in the Chinese city of Luoyang.
The incident occurred at the Dongdu Disco.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, December 24

When I went for my walk the wind was getting gusty. There
was still about a foot of powder snow on the trees, looking
quite Christmassy. So I dug out my big Yukon scarf. It is
still in very good shape after all these years.

A block later the street lights down by the High School
dimmed. Oh-Oh! A gust was blowing a snow drift as high as
their lights. I watched it approach and turned my back to
it. A second later I was flat in the snow, making a face

I had expected a push, but not quite THAT much of a push.
Well, it was a good warning. The rest of my walk I was
ready for gusts. 

We have to expect some wicked snow drifts by morning!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Killer said he “felt disrespected”
Today, December 24 in
1818 Franz Gruber of Oberndorf, near Salzburg, Austria,
composed the music for "Silent Night" to words written by
Josef Mohr. 

Their church organ broke down during practise, so Franz
Gruber, the village teacher, was asked to come up with
something, that he could play on his guitar. He did.

He and his students practised singing "Silent Night" on the
afternoon of the 24th and performed it at Midnight Mass.
It was a hit! Within 10 years it had swept the German
speaking parts of Europe and some translations had been

See More of what happened on this day in history.
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______________________________________________________ The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. ---Arthur Koestler (1905 - 1983) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied, "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night." _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Bill for this story: Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could manage our household over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Two sisters had been given parts in a play at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kervin Pierce, 25 Milwaukee, Wisconsin Killer said he “felt disrespected” 25-year-old Kervin Pierce of Milwaukee now faces multiple charges in connection with the fatal shooting of his own mother and beating of his brother. It happened at an Oak Creek apartment complex on Tuesday, December 19th. Pierce faces the following criminal charges: First degree intentional homicide, use of a dangerous weapon Attempted first degree intentional homicide, use of a dangerous weapon Strangulation & suffocation Battery by prisoners According to the criminal complaint, police received a 911 call from a man (later identified as Pierce) who said "there was a female inside of the residence that had been shot to the face and an unconscious male that had been pistol whipped." When officers arrived on the scene, they found Bonita Pierce deceased -- lying on the floor in a bedroom. Pierce's brother was found with injuries to his head and "a large amount of blood on his face." When questioned by police about what happened, Pierce said "he has felt disrespected by both his mother and brother for 2 to 3 months and was very upset about that." On December 19th, Pierce said "he felt intense disrespect today and was overwhelmed" -- and that "his mother was nagging him about little things." The complaint indicates Pierce said he shot his mother because he was "just fed up." The complaint says Pierce "planned to shoot his brother next, however the gun jammed." He said he intended to shoot both his mother and brother and then call the police. Pierce was taken into custody when officers arrived on the scene. On December 20th, while Pierce was at the Milwaukee County Jail, the criminal complaint says a correctional officer noticed Pierce "pacing by the phone banks." The correctional officer completed a phone call from the medical unit and when she put the receiver down, "the defendant grabbed her throat, shook her with both hands, and threw her to the ground while continuing to strangle her." The officer's radio fell from her belt -- and she had no way to call for help. The complaint indicates the attack against the correctional officer lasted about 15 seconds and "ended when three inmates intervened by pulling the defendant off" the officer until security staff arrived. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Gary Re: AutoPlay Dear Webby, I have a question for you that I may have asked before.. I don't remember..but here it is. When I insert a cd into my cd player I have to manually go into won't come up automaticly as it once did.. please help....thank you in advance. Gary Dear Gary Enabling AutoPlay on a data and audio CD: Open My Computer or Explorer Highlight the CD-ROM drive, right click the CD-ROM drive and click properties. Click the AutoPlay tab. Within this section you will be able to specify all Windows AutoPlay features. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross- examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice. "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?" The witness replied meekly, "MY mother did."
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Full Moon Fever ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Sock Puppet Craft Turn a lonely sock into a sock puppet. You can use buttons for the eyes and nose or buy googly eyes at a craft store. Make a head of hair for you puppet out of yarn. Craft felt can be used for further embellishments. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ We are now seeing a new, redesigned $20 bill. This is part of an anti-counterfeiting program to redesign all of our old currency, which has become too easy to duplicate with modern color photocopiers- a fact that was made all too clear when Xerox, in its 2017 annual report, reported profits of "$850 Billion, mostly in $20's".
It's almost Christmas! 2017 Nisley Family Light Show
There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 24, in 
1814 The War of 1812 between the U.S. and Britain was ended
with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent in Belgium. 

1818 Franz Gruber of Oberndorf, Austria, composed the music
for "Silent Night" to words written by Josef Mohr. 

1828 William Burke who, with his partner William Hare, dug
up the dead and murdered to sell the corpses for
dissection, went on trial in Edinburgh. 

1851 A fire devastated the Library of Congress in
Washington, DC, destroying about 35,000 volumes. 

1865 Several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a
private social club in Pulaski, TN, called the Ku Klux

1906 Reginald A. Fessenden became the first person to
broadcast a music program over radio, from Brant Rock, MA. 

1914 In World War I, the first air raid on Britain was made
when a German airplane dropped a bomb on the grounds of a
rectory in Dover. 

1928 The first broadcast of "The Voice of Firestone" was

1943 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt appointed Gen.
Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces as
part of Operation Overlord. 

1944 The Andrews Sisters starred in the debut of "The
Andrews Sisters’ Eight-To-The-Bar-Ranch" on ABC Radio. 

1944 A German submarine torpedoed the Belgian transport
ship S.S. Leopoldville with 2,235 soldiers aboard. About
800 American soldiers died. The soldiers were crossing the
English Channel to be reinforcements at the battle that
become known as the Battle of the Bulge. 

1948 For the first time ever, a midnight Mass was broadcast
on television. It was held at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in
New York City. 

1948 The first completely solar-heated house became
occupied in Dover, MA. 

1951 Libya achieved independence as the United Kingdom of
Libya, under King Idris. 

1965 A meteorite landed on Leicestershire. It weighed about

1966 Luna 13 landed on the moon. 

1968 Three astronauts, James A. Lovell, William Anders and
Frank Borman, reached the moon. They orbited the moon 10
times before coming back to Earth. Seven months later man
first landed on the moon. 

1979 Soviet troops invaded Afghanistan in support of the
country's Marxist government. 

1981 In Eastern Kazakh/Semipalatinsk, the Soviet Union
performed a nuclear test. 

1985 Fidel Castro, the Cuban president, announced that he
had become a non-smoker. 

1989 Ousted Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega took refuge at
the Vatican's diplomatic mission in Panama City. 

1990 Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were married. 

1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush pardoned former
Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the
Iran-Contra scandal. 

1997 Ilich Ramirez Sanchez, known as "Carlos the Jackal,"
was sentenced by a French court to life in prison for the
1975 murders of two French investigators and a Lebanese

1998 At Disneyland in Anaheim, CA, a tourist was hit by a
piece of flying metal while waiting to board a ride. The
man's wife and a Disneyland employee were also injured.
Luan Phi Dawson died December 26th from his injuries. 

1999 Ivory Coast President Henri Konan Bédié was overthrown
in a coup. 

1999 An Indian Airlines plane was seized during a flight
from Katmandu, Nepal, to New Delhi. In Afghanistan, the 150
hostages were freed on December 31 after India released
three Kashmir militants from prison. 

2000 36 minutes after the end of a game, both the New
England Patriots and the Miami Dolphins were called back to
the playing field. The teams had to play the final 3
seconds of the game which the Dolphins had won 27-24. The
end result did not change. 

2000 The "Texas 7," seven convicts that had escaped a Texas
prison, robbed a sports store in Irving, TX. The suspects
killed Officer Aubrey Hawkins, stole $70,000, 25 weapons
and clothing. The men had escaped on December 13.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, December 23

Thank you, Don !!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Often deported Mexican caught with 
$1 Million worth of dope
Today, December 22 in
1775 A Continental naval fleet was organized in the
rebellious American colonies under the command of Ezek

See More of what happened on this day in history.
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______________________________________________________ I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. --- Nancy Reagan ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. "How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock. "By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down." _____________________________________________________ One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..." After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ So much for Algorian Warming! ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez, 45, Landisville, Pennsylvania Often deported Mexican caught with $1 Million worth of dope A Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation ended in the seizure of 180 pounds of marijuana from a Landisville home with a street value of $1 million, or more, in what officials call one of the largest marijuana seizures in county history, December 21, 2017. photos provided by Lancaster County District Attorney office Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez, 45, is charged with felony drug-dealing in the Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation which resulted in a seizure on December 14. Garcia-Jimenez is a Mexican national who has been deported from the United States multiple times. He is being held on a federal detainer, obtained by ICE. A Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation ended in the seizure of 180 pounds of marijuana from a Landisville home with a street value of $1 million, or more, in what officials call one of the largest marijuana seizures in county history, December 21, 2017. Since Landisville is not a Sanctuary town, Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez might get jail time instead of a free ticket back to Mexico to get more import goods. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Allan Re: How to save bookmarks in IE Dear Webby, You wrote about it before, but I did not save that tip. How do you save the bookmarks in IE ? Thanks Allan Dear Allan I have not had IE on my computer for a dozen years, or more, so I looked this up on old Humor Letters. ALT FINE Hold down the ALT key, hit F I N E and hit Enter a bunch of times. You can even specify the file name that will have the bookmarks in it, for example C:\bookmarks171222.html Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it. JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that! GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C\ ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? TRUMP: Many chickens threaten to leave, unfortunately, none of them have the guts to actually leave. ============ I don`t pay attention to the war of Trump vs the communist media, but if you do, maybe you can send me some updates to that collection.
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible,"he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet" the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog."HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh!! NO!! He's Pentecostal!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Doilies to Accent Gift Wrap By HellofromMhay [73 Posts, 27 Comments] I love using paper doilies to accent gifts. It adds an elegant touch and is inexpensive. In this case I attached doilies on a plain pink birthday card and gift bag (for a little friend) with a glue stick. Then I decorated them with glitter alphabet and strawberry stickers. (I bought the paper doilies at Michaels.) Tip provided by You can also use a paper doily as a mask for spray painting. Attach the doily with removable glue stick to a shopping bag, and spray paint it with one or more colors. When the paint is dry, remove the doily and use it on the next bag. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So why is the groom wearing black?"
12 88 Piano Keys Control 500,000 Christmas Lights!
From Ed in Illinois Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 23, in 
1788 Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the
seat of the national government. About two-thirds of the
area became the District of Columbia. 

1823 The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement C.
Moore (" 'Twas the night before Christmas...") was

1834 English architect Joseph Hansom patented his 'safety
cab', better known as the Hansom cab. 

1852 The Theatre of Celestial John opened on Telegraph Hill
in San Francisco, CA. It was the first Chinese theatre in
the U.S. 

1856 Ralph Collier was issued a U.S. patent for the first
rotary egg beater with rotating parts. 

1880 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Electric Light
Company of Europe. 

1888 Following a quarrel with Paul Gauguin, Dutch painter
Vincent Van Gogh cut off part of his own earlobe. 

1893 The Engelbert Humperdinck opera "Hansel und Gretel"
was first performed, in Weimar, Germany. 

1919 The first ship designed to be used as an ambulance for
the transport patients was launched. The hospital ship was
named USS Relief and had 515 beds. 

1922 The British Broadcasting Corporation began daily news

1930 Ruth Elizabeth Davis, an unknown actress, arrived in
Hollywood, under contract to Universal Studios. Universal
changed her name to Bette Davis for the movies. 

1941 During World War II, American forces on Wake Island
surrendered to the Japanese. 

1942 Bob Hope agreed to entertain U.S. airmen in Alaska. It
was the first of the traditional Christmas shows. 

1943 "Hansel and Gretel," the opera, was televised on New
York's WRBG. It was the first complete opera to be

1947 John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain and William Shockley
invented the transistor. 

1948 Former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other
Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo. They had been
found guilty of crimes against humanity. 

1951 A National Football League (NFL) championship game was
televised nationally for the first time. The Los Angeles
Rams beat the Cleveland Browns 24-17. The DuMont Network
had paid $75,000 for the rights to the game. 

1953 Soviet secret police chief Lavrenti Beria and six of
his associates were shot for treason following a secret

1954 The Walt Disney movie "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"
was released. 

1965 A 70-mph speed limit was introduced in Britain. 

1968 The crew of the U.S. Navy ship, Pueblo, was released
by North Korea. The Captain of the Pueblo, Commander Lloyd
M. Bucher, and 82 of his crew were held for 11 months after
the ship was seized by North Korea because of suspected
spying by the Americans. 

1970 In New York, the topping out ceremony for original One
World Trade Center (North Tower) took place. The South
Tower's ceremony took place on July 19, 1971. 

1981 NASA approved a plan to continue the Voyager II
spacecraft on a trajectory that would take it within 66,000
miles of Uranus on July 24, 1986. 

1986 The experimental airplane Voyager, piloted by Dick
Rutan and Jeana Yeager, completed the first non-stop,
around-the-world flight without refueling as it landed
safely at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 

1987 Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, serving a life sentence for
the attempted assassination of U.S. President Ford in 1975,
escaped from the Alderson Federal Prison for Women in West
Virginia. She was recaptured two days later. 

1989 Ousted Romanian President Nicolae Ceausescu and his
wife, Elena, were captured as they were attempting to flee
their country. 

1990 Elections in Yugoslavia ended, leaving four of its six
republics with non-Communist governments. 

1995 A fire in Dabwali, India, killed 540 people, including
170 children, during a year-end party being held near the
children's school. 

1995 The bodies of 16 members of the Solar Temple religious
sect were found in a clearing near Grenoble, France. 14
were presumed shot by two people who then committed

1997 Terry Nichols was convicted by a Denver jury on
charges of conspiracy and involuntary manslaughter in the
1995 federal building bombing in Oklahoma City. The bomb
killed 168 people. 

1998 Guerrillas in south Lebanon fired dozens of rockets at
northern Israel.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, December 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Today is the shortest day of the year.
Now the days will get longer again.

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Dopey Veterinarian Shot Neighbor's Barking Dog
Today, December 22 in
1775 A Continental naval fleet was organized in the
rebellious American colonies under the command of Ezek

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves. --- Albert Guinon (1863 - 1923) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A married couple, trying to live up to a snobbish life- style went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the number five bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get our of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally, his wife turned to him and said, "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the number five bus to Coney Island? How could you say that? Everyone knows the number five bus doesn't go to Coney Island !" ______________________________________________________ Canyon in Utah ____________________________________
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_____________________________________________________ A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kelly Folse, 35, Harahan, Louisiana Dopey Veterinarian Shot Neighbor's Barking Dog Louisiana veterinarian Kelly Folse's prescription for a barking dog next door was a bullet, police say. Folse, 35, was booked on aggravated cruelty to an animal Tuesday, the New Orleans Times-Picayune reports. She also faces charges of drug possession and illegal discharge of a firearm. Police say Folse shot Bruizer, her next-door neighbor's 15-month-old American bulldog, in the head when her neighbor was out on the afternoon of Dec. 13. The family took the wounded animal to the Abadie Veterinary Hospital in Harahan, where Folse works, but it died from its injuries the next day. Folse was not involved in caring for the dog, authorities say. The hospital fired Folse on Tuesday. Police say the neighbor, suspecting Folse had shot her dog, showed them hostile messages from the vet complaining about constant barking. Narcotics were found in the vet's home after police obtained a search warrant. "This is crazy, a veterinarian shooting a dog of her next-door neighbor," Sheriff Joseph Lopinto said Tuesday. "This is nuts. I don't know how else to put it." He added: "This is not supposed to be normal. Someone lost a pet today ... I don't care how much it barks; this is not appropriate behavior," per the Advocate. --------------- I used to have sled dogs when I was in the Yukon, and know they really got annoying at times, especially when I was working night shift and trying to sleep during the day, and they decided that I should get up and shoot a porcupine, that was sauntering around just out of reach of their chains. A dozen sled dogs can make quite a racket, but I never shot one of them. I just put some industrial quality yellow ear plugs into my ears, and continued my sleep. Not a big deal. I hope that dingbat gets thrown in the slammer for a few years! _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Sunny Re: Slow virus scanning Dear Webby, When I do a virus scan and it gets to big zip files, everything slows down and it takes a long time to get past those zip files. Is there a way to speed that up? Thanks Sunny Move those zip files an old camera chip or onto CDs or DVDs, and delete them off your computer. You are obviously not actively using them, just storing them, so you might as well store them elsewhere. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting While on a European tour, Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Saving Money on Laundry Detergent You can save money on household cleaners like laundry detergent by only using what you need. For example, if you are washing clothing that is not very soiled, you can usually get by using half as much laundry detergent as the manufacturer recommends. Manufacturer recommendations are overkill because they want their product to be effective regardless of how soiled the clothing is. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Bob phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." Bob rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, Bob returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" Bob replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't forget them. I put them in your tackle box."
12 Nature Photos That Are Guaranteed To Give People Nightmares
When Jill decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out two or three instructional books from the library. After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable at this stuff." "Thanks," Jill said. "What makes you say that?" The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out this week has 'For Dummies' in the title." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 22, in 
1715 James Stuart, the "Old Pretender", landed at
Petershead after his exile in France. 

1775 A Continental naval fleet was organized in the
rebellious American colonies under the command of Ezek

1807 The U.S. Congress passed the Embargo Act, designed to
force peace between Britain and France by cutting off all
trade with Europe. 

1864 During the American Civil War, Union Gen. William T.
Sherman sent a message to U.S. President Lincoln from
Georgia. The message read, "I beg to present you as a
Christmas gift the city of Savannah." 

1895 German physicist Wilhelm Röntgen made the first X-ray,
of his wife's hand. 

1939 Gloria Jacobs became the first girl to hold a world
pistol record when she shot 299 out of a possible 300
points. She was 17 years old at the time. 

1943 Sporting goods manufacturers received permission to
use synthetic rubber for the core of baseballs. 

1941 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill arrived in
Washington for a wartime conference with U.S. President
Franklin Roosevelt. 

1956 Colo, the first gorilla to be born in captivity, was
born at the Columbus, Ohio zoo. 

1956 The last British and French forces evacuated Egypt. 

1961 James Davis became the first U.S. soldier to die in
Vietnam, while U.S. involvement was still limited to the
provision of military advisers. 

1984 New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot four black
youths on a Manhattan subway. Goetz claimed they were about
to rob him. 

1989 Romania's hard-line Communist ruler, Nicolae
Ceausescu, was overthrown in a popular uprising. 

1990 Lech Walesa was sworn in as Poland's first popularly
elected president. 

1991 The body of Lt. Col. William R. Higgins, an American
hostage murdered by his captors, was found along a highway
in Lebanon. 

1996 A car bomb exploded in Belfast, injuring a known IRA
supporter. Police suspected that Protestant loyalists were
responsible for the attack. 

1998 A unit of RJR Nabsico pled guilty to attempting to
smuggle cigarettes into Canada. 

2001 Thirty Afghans, including two women, were sworn in as
part of the new interim government in Afghanistan. Hamid
Karzai was the head of the post-Taliban government.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, December 21

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Chicago Day Care Workers Arrested 
After Mom Demands Video
Today, December 21 in
1620 The "Mayflower", and its passengers, pilgrims from
England, landed at Plymouth Rock, MA. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. --- William G. McAdoo (1863 - 1941) Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. --- John Maynard Keynes (1883 - 1946) Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. --- George Burns ---------------- And the brainwashed Hillarites at CNN, who have never worked an honest day in their lives. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A Classic for the start: The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ My sister-in-law was married to a surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St.Francis calling." He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date. One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Helloooou, Sandy," whereupon Sandy broke up in roaring laughter. "You guys know each other?" Barbie asked. "We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Lizandra Cosme, 32, Susana Gonzalez, 27, Chicago, Illinois Day Care Workers Arrested After Mom Demands Video Toddlers were burned with hot glue gun Two workers at a Chicago day care were fired and arrested after a disturbing incident that left five toddlers injured. Police say surveillance video captured one of the workers burning the 2-year-olds with a hot glue gun while the other woman watched and laughed, People reports. Lizandra Cosme, 32, has been charged with five counts of aggravated battery of a child causing great bodily harm, the Chicago Sun-Times reports. Susana Gonzalez, 27, faces five misdemeanor charges of causing the circumstances of child endangerment over the Dec. 1 incident at the Children's Place day care. It's not clear how seriously the children were injured. Prosecutors say Cosme, who brought the glue gun for a Christmas project, was captured on video applying the hot glue directly to the hands and arms of the three girls and two boys. "Each of the child victims winced and some whined at the hot glue gun application," a prosecutor said during a Monday court appearance. Prosecutors said Cosme tried to cover up the incident, asking a father whether his child had been burned at home, ABC7 reports. They said her actions were discovered when one child's mother, an ER physician, saw the burns and demanded to see surveillance footage. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Frank Re: Ad Blocker Dear Webby, I use Firefox as my browser and I've got a 7 day free trial for Ad Remover. Please provide your candid (as always) opinion on the following. Is it worth a year subscription? Don't want to waste $$. Frank Dear Frank Waste of money. #1 The sites you go to are not funded by Santa or the Easter Bunny. They are scraping by on what little they get from ads. Sure, some ADS are funded by rich companies like Energizer, but the site, that shows their ad, is lucky to get $7 a month from them. And $3 from Verizon ads. And so on. Don't confuse the rich advertisers with the poor schmucks who host their ads. If you go to you will see an ad, an ad from some rich company. Google decides what ad to show to you. It is usually an ad somehow related to something, that you recently searched for. Last month I got $7.34 from Google It helped. And you want to cut off that token income for all the sites you visit? Morally, it is much better to just ignore the ads, or if you really like the horrorscope or dating site, that you visited, pound the ads on their site. I do, even though I don't go to horrorscope or dating sites, but if I appreciate the content, that somebody scraped together for me, then I pound the ads on top. OK, enough of THAT rant. #2 Because all the sites have to pay for their web hosting expenses, especially if they don't get cheap hosting from me, if everybody blocks their ads, they have to stop and go shovel snow instead. Like poor Ophelia. Some sites will have a niece or nephew studying informatics, and will get them to fix them a redirect. When their page detects an ad blocker, it redirects your browser to a child porno site and registers you there for automatic pop-ups whenever they add new pictures. Those redirects have been around for some time. Nothing new. Many sites feel justified in retaliating against ad blocker users, even though they now call them Ad Removers and Ad Controllers. So I would strongly advise against using ad blockers, and especially against paying for them. Just ignore the ads, or if the site deserves a penny, pound the ad on them. Unfortunately, a lot of the ads nowadays pay only if you actually buy something there, but some, like the battery ads, are still a penny per click. So, please be kind to us poor schmucks, and avoid getting redirected to naughty sites. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Tracy goes to get her haircut. The stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, then hands the girl a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" Tracy looks at the cut carefully, evaluating it from every angle. Finally, she says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer in the back?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Displaying Stray Socks We installed a cork board in the laundry room to put stray socks on. Each time I fold socks I take the strays and pin them up to the board. Next time I have strays, I check the board which usually has the match I am looking for. It makes the stray socks easy to see when I need to find a match. By Amy Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed into your tuba last night!"
What a great way to slow down drivers.
A Woman's Poem He didn't like the casserole, And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right, He didn't like the stew. I didn't mend his sock, The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him Like his MOMMA used to do. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 21, in 
1620 The "Mayflower", and its passengers, pilgrims from
England, landed at Plymouth Rock, MA. 

1849 The first ice-skating club in America was formed in
Philadelphia, PA. 

1879 Ibsen's "A Doll's House" was first performed in
Copenhagen, Denmark, with a revised happy ending. 

1898 Scientists Pierre and Marie Curie discovered the
radioactive element radium. 

1913 Arthur Wynne published a new "word-cross" puzzle in
the "New York World" in England. The name was later changed
to "crossword." 

1914 Marie Dressler, Charlie Chaplin, Mabel Normand and
Mack Swain appeared in the first six-reel, feature-length
comedy. The film was entitled "Tillie’s Punctured Romance".

1925 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was first
shown in Moscow. 

1937 Walt Disney debuted the first, full-length, animated
feature in Hollywood, CA. The movie was "Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs." 

1944 Horse racing was banned in the United States until
after the end of World War II. 

1945 U.S. Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg,
Germany, of injuries from a car accident. 

1948 The state of Eire (formerly the Irish Free State)
declared its independence. 

1958 Charles de Gaulle was elected to a seven-year term as
the first president of the Fifth Republic of France. 

1968 Apollo 8 was launched on a mission to orbit the moon.
The craft landed safely in the Pacific Ocean on December

1971 The U.N. Security Council chose Kurt Waldheim to
succeed U Thant as secretary-general. 

1978 Police in Des Plaines, IL, arrested John W. Gacy Jr.
and began unearthing the remains of 33 men and boys that
Gacy was later convicted of killing. 

1988 270 people were killed when Pan Am Boeing 747 exploded
over Lockerbie, Scotland, due to a terrorist attack. 

1990 In a German television interview, Saddam Hussein
declared that he would not withdraw from Kuwait by the UN

1991 Eleven of the 12 former Soviet republics proclaimed
the birth of the Commonwealth of Independent States. 

1995 The city of Bethlehem passed from Israeli to
Palestinian control. 

1996 After two years of denials, U.S. House Speaker Newt
Gingrich admitted violating House ethics rules. 

1998 A Chinese court sentenced two dissidents to long
prison terms for attempting to organize an opposition
party. A third man was sentenced to 12 years in prison on
December 22, 1998. 

1998 The first vaccine for Lyme disease was approved. 

2001 The Islamic militant group Hamas released a statement
that said it was temporarily suspending suicide bombings
and mortar attacks in Israel. 

2002 Larry Mayes was released after spending 21 years in
prison for a rape that maintained that he never committed.
He was the 100th person in the U.S. to be released after
DNA tests were performed. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, December 20

Tonight, while  walking, it was light out!
Just light pollution reflecting from fog and light snowing.

After years of bitching they finally converted the high
wattage street lights, that wasted 3/4 of the light shining
sideways and up, with low wattage lights with at least
partial reflectors, but enough light pollution still made
the sky light enough, that you could read headlines on
papers and brand names on tossed away kid`s lunches.

However, light snow was gently falling and burying all the

The Christmas lighting revealed their owner`s frugality.
The old fashioned incandescent lights melted the snow off
them and they shone brightly. The more modern LED lights
had snow on them and looked twice as nice shining through
the snow. And used 1/20 the amount of electricity.

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Husband caught school teacher 
in bed with 15 year old student
Today, December 20 in
1803 The United States Senate ratified a treaty that
included the sale of Louisiana Territories from France for
$15 million. The transfer was completed with formal
ceremonies in New Orleans. 

1820 The state of Missouri enacted legislation to tax
bachelors between the ages of 21-50 for being unmarried.
The tax was $1 a year. 

1990 The world's first website and server go live at CERN.
The first website was It still

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. --- Jascha Heifetz (1901 - 1987) Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. --- Al Capp (1909 - 1979) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag worked." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ An orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, "Hey, we better get going." But another says, "No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor's sheet music together, so we'll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out." So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded. ______________________________________________________ Body Language! ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat...." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andrea Nicole Barber, 29, Cottage Grove, Oregon Husband caught school teacher in bed with 15 year old student A now former Christian school teacher faces charges after her husband reportedly busted her having an affair with a 15-year-old student. Andrea Nicole Barber, 29, was arrested Friday at her home in Cottage Grove, Oregon, just days after her spouse allegedly walked in on her and the student in bed, The News-Review reported. He must have heard their noise and had a camera. Soon after they were caught, the teen’s father received an anonymous email asking whether he knew his son and the Logan Christian Academy teacher were in a sexual relationship, authorities said. In the Dec. 12 message, photos were attached of the boy in bed with the English teacher. The anonymous email was reported to authorities who determined that Barber allegedly had sex “on a regular basis” with the student, according to The Register-Guard. Deputies said that Baber began a relationship in 2016 with the teen and often provided him with alcohol and pot. She was booked Friday at Douglas County Jail on charges including sodomy, rape and contributing to the sexual delinquency of a minor. Authorities said that Baber was no longer employed at Logan Christian Academy, but her staff biography remained Monday on the school website. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Steve Re: Folder options Dear Webby, I really enjoy your humor page. I make sure I read it every day. I have a question about folders. Some folders seem to just stay organized in the way things are added to them, but others alphabetize themselves. I have tried making a folder with songs that I want to burn to a CD, but am still trying to work out the order. Unfortunately, every time I close the folder, it alphabetizes itself. I've tried unchecking the "Auto Arrange", but that doesn't work. Steve Dear Steve At the top you see the column headings. If you click on DATE or MODIFIED, then they get ordered by date. If you click on NAME, then it sorts them by name, If you rename your files with a number at the front, then NAME will have them sorted by those numbers. Some versions of Windows will sort numbers literally, and show the files like this: 1,10,11,12,...19,2,20,21,... I know, it is rather goofy, but you can get used to it. You can, of course use letter prefixes like aa_music.mp4, ab_musicale.mp4, etc. Think about which method you want to use for the rest of your life, and then stick to that. You'll get used to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Harry was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." Harry replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. "That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?" "Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Pasta Christmas Ornaments By attosa [483 Posts, 2,616 Comments] I am in love with making these ornaments out of dry pasta. Some of my favourite pasta shapes to create with are penne and rotelle, but any variety can be used. Go ahead and experiment! Pasta Christmas Ornaments - ornaments against a wood backgroundI am in love with making these ornaments out of dry pasta. Some of my favourite pasta shapes to create with are penne and rotelle, but any variety can be used. Go ahead and experiment! Total Time: 90 minutes Yield: 3 ornaments Supplies: dry penne and rotelle pasta hot glue gun with glue paints paintbrush glitter string Total Time: 90 minutes Yield: 3 ornaments Supplies: dry penne and rotelle pasta hot glue gun with glue paints paintbrush glitter string Steps: To make the large snowflake ornament, glue 2 pieces of penne pasta together so it makes a downward pointing arrow shape. glue 2 pieces of penne pasta Continue to make more so you have four arrows in total. Only the backsides should have glue all over them. make 4 Take some rotelle pasta and glue them together in the shape of a cross. Now glue the penne arrows in the spaces between the rotelle. To make the small snowflake ornament, evenly glue 6 pieces of rotelle around 1 in the center. Glue 6 more pieces of rotelle evenly around the outside. To make the Christmas tree ornament, glue together 6 rows of rotelle with the top row having 1 rotelle, the bottom having 6 rotelle. Glue one under the last line as the tree trunk. To make the Christmas tree's ornaments, gently press on your hot glue gun to make tiny little balls of glue. Gently pick up all the ornaments to see if there are any areas that need more glue. Remember that only the backsides should have the hot glue on them; keep the front areas clean. If you're using paint with a brush, use the side of the brush to dab downwards on the pasta. Paint the tiny balls of glue and attach them to the tree as ornaments. If you're using spray paint, lay down some newspaper outside and spray from angles to get inside the the holes. Sprinkle on some glitter when the paint is almost dry. When fully dry, attach strings to the tops of the ornaments. Hang in your tree and enjoy! Tip provided by You can get dozens of different shapes of pasta at the Bulk Barn quite cheaply. Make a kid safe glue from flour and water, and let the kids go nuts with gluing ornaments together. They can, of course, also add shells and anything interesting. The best fisnish for pasta ornaments is spray or dip in chrome, silver color or bright zink paint, then when that is good and dry, a light coat of Candy Apple spray paint. Candy Apple can be faked by mixing clear acrylic varnish with a bit of wine red acrylyc paint. That makes the project washable. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, short dress. He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress." "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly. "Yes, it does," he replied.
The 2017 Nat Geo Nature Photographer of the Year Winners are Here and Amazing!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 20, in 
1606 The "Susan Constant," "Godspeed" and "Discovery" set
sail from London. Their landing at Jamestown, VA, was the
start of the first permanent English settlement in America.

1699 Peter the Great ordered that the Russian New Year be
changed from September 1 to January 1. 

1790 The first successful cotton mill in the United States
began operating at Pawtucket, RI. 

1803 The United States Senate ratified a treaty that
included the sale of Louisiana Territories from France for
$15 million. The transfer was completed with formal
ceremonies in New Orleans. 

1820 The state of Missouri enacted legislation to tax
bachelors between the ages of 21-50 for being unmarried.
The tax was $1 a year. 

1860 South Carolina became the first state to secede from
the American Union. 

1864 Confederate forces evacuated Savannah, GA as Union
Gen. William T. Sherman continued his "March to the Sea." 

1879 Thomas A. Edison privately demonstrated his
incandescent light at Menlo Park, NJ. 

1880 New York's Broadway became known as the "Great White
Way" when it was lighted by electricity. 

1892 Alexander T. Brown and George Stillman patented the
pneumatic tire. 

1928 Mail delivery by dog sled began in Lewiston, ME. 

1933 The film "Flying Down to Rio" was first shown in New

1938 Vladimir Kosma Zworykin patented the iconoscope
television system. 

1946 In Indochina (Vietnam), full-scale guerrilla warfare
between Vietnam partisans and French troops began. 

1954 Buick Motor Company signed Jackie Gleason to one of
the largest contracts ever entered into with an
entertainer. Gleason agreed to produce 78 half-hour shows
over a two-year period for $6,142,500. 

1963 The Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West
Berliners. It was only for the holiday season. It closed
again on January 6, 1964. 

1973 The Spanish premier Carrero Blanco was assassinated in

1987 More than 3,000 people were killed when the Dona Paz,
a Philippine passenger ship, collided with the tanker
Vector off Mindoro island, setting off a double explosion. 

1989 General Noriega, Panama's former dictator, was
overthrown by a United States invasion force invited by the
new civilian government. The project was known as Operation
Just Cause. 

1990 The world's first website and server go live at CERN.
The first website was It still

1991 Ante Markovic resigned as federal Prime Minister of

1994 Marcelino Corniel, a homeless man, was shot and
mortally wounded by White House security officers. He had
brandished a knife near the executive mansion. 

1995 An American Airlines Boeing 757 en route to Cali,
Colombia, crashed into a mountain, killing all but four of
the 163 people aboard. 

1996 Doctors reported that a Cypriot woman who had taken
fertility drugs was carrying about 11 embryos. 

1998 In Houston, TX, a 27-year-old woman gave birth to the
only known living set of octuplets. 

1999 The Vermont Supreme Court ruled that homosexual
couples were entitled to the same benefits and protections
as wedded couples of the opposite sex. 

1999 Sovereignty over the colony of Macao was transferred
from Portugal to China. 

2001 The U.S. Congress passed a $20 billion package to
finance the war against terrorism taking place in

2001 Argentina's President Fernando De la Rua resigned
after two years in power. 

2001 The first British peacekeepers arrived in Afghanistan
to help the nation heal after decades of war.

2017  smiled.

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Erratic mouse 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, December 19

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
"Criminal Santa" gets stuck in chimney during 
burglary attempt. Has to call 911.
Today, December 19 in
1972 Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the
Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippmann ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. A bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him. Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth. At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Do you mind, ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man for groping a woman!" ______________________________________________________ Borzicactus-roseiflorus ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." _____________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesse Berube, 32, Citrus Heights, California "Criminal Santa" gets stuck in chimney during burglary attempt. Has to call 911. Authorities say a Northern California man tried to burglarize a business by entering through the chimney only to become stuck. Police in the Sacramento-area city of Citrus Heights said Friday that 32-year-old Jesse Berube was uninjured but now faces one count of burglary. According to police, Berube slid down the chimney of the business Wednesday and then found himself lodged inside. The Rocklin man was able to reach his cellphone and dial 911 for help. The Sacramento Fire Department responded and used special equipment to extricate him. Police called Berube a "criminal Santa" who "does not have the same skills as the real deal." _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jerry Re: Supersensitive mouse Dear Webby, I replaced my original mouse that came with my Gateway a thousand years ago. The new one is a Logitech Optical Mouse and if I even look at it crossways, I get popup menus all over the place. Needless to say, this is extremely annoying. Do I have to live with it or do you have another miracle solution? Jerry Dear Jerry Run the install CD that came with that mouse, or download the driver from Logitech. That will give you a desktop icon to it's settings menu. There you can tweak all the settings to suit you. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro- minent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?" "Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
I gaze at the brilliant moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Organizing Socks for the Family Instead of using those plastic over-the-door shoe organizers for shoes, I use mine to organize our socks! After taking the socks out of the dryer, I just roll them up and place a pair in each pocket of the shoe organizer (I do this with pantyhose and knee-highs too). No scrambling to match socks on a busy morning! By Lisa Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped." ------------- If you are in Kentucky, reverse Kentucky and Tennessee.
It's Christmas where you are. Merry Christmas to our troops.
Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that. "Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now." ___________________________________________________ December Dec. 01. Apple Day Dec. 01. Day Without) Art Dec. 01. Pie Day Dec. 01. World AIDS Day Dec. 01. National Day in Central African Republic Dec. 01. Independence Day in Portugal Dec. 01. National Day in Romania Dec. 02. Abolition of Slavery Day Dec. 02. National Day in Laos Dec. 02. National Holiday in United Arab Emirates Dec. 03. Disabled Persons Awareness Day Dec. 04. Cookie Day Dec. 04. Santa's List Day Dec. 05. Play Hooky Day Dec. 05. Bathtub Fun Day Dec. 05. Discovery Day in Haiti Dec. 05. National Day in Thailand Dec. 06. Pawnbrokers Day Dec. 06. Saint Nicholas Day Dec. 06. Independence of Quito Day in Ecuador Dec. 06. Independence Day in Finland Dec. 06. Constitution Day in Spain Dec. 07. Civil Aviation Day Dec. 07. Cotton Candy Day Dec. 07. Letter-Writing Day Dec. 07. Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day Dec. 07. Teacher Appreciation Day Dec. 08. Brownie Day Dec. 08. Lady of Camarin Day in Guam Dec. 08. Feast of the Immaculate Conception in Nicaragua Dec. 08. Constitution Day in Uzbekistan Dec. 09. Homemade Gift Day Dec. 09. Independence Day in Tanzania Dec. 10. Thai Constitution Day in Thailand Dec. 11. National Day in Burkina Faso Dec. 12. Poinsettia Day Dec. 12. Independence Day in Kenya Dec. 12. Guadalupe Day in Mexico Dec. 12. Constitution Day in Russia Dec. 12. Neutrality Day in Turkmenistan Dec. 13. Cocoa Day Dec. 13. Shareware Day Dec. 13. Republic Day in Malta Dec. 13. Santa Lucia Day in Sweden Dec. 14. Email Tag Day Dec. 15. Bill of Rights Day Dec. 15. Kingdom Day in Curacao Dec. 15. Navidades in Puerto Rico Dec. 16. Stupid Toy Day Dec. 16. Independence Day in Bahrain Dec. 16. Victory Day in Bangladesh Dec. 16. Posadas in Mexico Dec. 16. Christmas Observance in Philippines Dec. 16. Reconciliation Day in South Africa Dec. 17. Wright Brothers Day Dec. 18. Bake Cookies Day Dec. 18. Wear A Plunger On Your Head Day Dec. 18. Republic Day in Niger Dec. 19. Oatmeal Muffin Day Dec. 19. Underdog Day Dec. 20. Go Caroling Day Dec. 21. Don't Be A Scrooge Day Dec. 21. Flashlight Day Dec. 21. Forefathers' Day Dec. 21. Winter Solstice Dec. 21. World Peace Day Dec. 21. Yalda Dec. 22. Yule Dec. 23. Emperor's Birthday in Japan Dec. 24. Christmas Eve Dec. 24. Last-Minute Shopper's Day Dec. 24. Independence Day in Libya Dec. 25. Christmas Dec. 25. Pumpkin Pie Day Dec. 25. Birthday of Quaid-I-Azam in Pakistan Dec. 25. Constitution Day in Taiwan Dec. 26. Boxing Day Dec. 26. Kwanzaa Begins Dec. 26. Whiner's Day Dec. 26. Junkanoo in Bahamas Dec. 26. Boxing Day in Canada Dec. 26. Day of the Wren in Ireland Dec. 26. Independence Day in Slovenia Dec. 26. Goodwill Day in South Africa Dec. 26. Boxing Day in United Kingdom Dec. 28. Card Playing Day Dec. 28. Chocolate Day Dec. 28. Holy Innocents Day (Childermas) Dec. 28. Proclamation Day in Australia Dec. 30. Rizal in Philippines Dec. 31. Make Up Your Mind Day Dec. 31. New Year's Eve Dec. 31. New Year's Resolutions Dec. 31. Samoan Fire Dance in Western Samoa ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 19, in 
1154 Henry II became King of England. 

1562 The Battle of Dreux was fought between the Huguenots
and the Catholics, beginning the French Wars of Religion. 

1732 Benjamin Franklin began publishing "Poor Richard's

1776 Thomas Paine published his first "American Crisis"

1777 General George Washington led his army of about 11,000
men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter. 

1842 Hawaii's independence was recognized by the U.S. 

1843 Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" was first
published in England. 

1871 Corrugated paper was patented by Albert L. Jones. 

1887 Jake Kilrain and Jim Smith fought in a bare knuckles
fight which lasted 106 rounds and 2 hours and 30 minutes.
The fight was ruled a draw and was halted due to darkness. 

1903 The Williamsburg Bridge opened in New York City. It
opened as the largest suspension bridge on Earth and
remained the largest until 1924. It was also the first
major suspension bridge to use steel towers to support the
main cable. 

1907 A coalmine explosion in Jacobs Creek, PA, killed 239

1917 The first games of the new National Hockey League
(NHL) were played. Five teams made up the league: Toronto
Arenas, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, the Montreal
Canadiens and the Montreal Wanderers. 

1918 Robert Ripley began his "Believe It or Not" column in
"The New York Globe". 

1932 The British Broadcasting Corp. began transmitting
overseas with its "Empire Service" to Australia. 

1957 Meredith Wilson’s "The Music Man" opened at the
Majestic Theatre in New York City. It ran for 1,375 shows. 

1957 Air service between London and Moscow was inaugurated.

1959 Walter Williams died in Houston, TX, at the age of
117. He was said to be the last surviving veteran of the
U.S. Civil War. 

1961 "Judgment At Nuremberg" opened in New York City. 

1972 Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the
Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 

1973 Johnny Carson started a fake toilet-paper scare on the
"Tonight Show." 

1979 ESPN televised its first NHL game. The teams were the
Washington Capitals and the Hartford Whalers. 

1984 Wayne Gretzky, 23, of the Edmonton Oilers, became only
the 18th player in the National Hockey League (NHL) to
score more than 1,000 points. 

1984 Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong
to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 

1986 The Soviet Union announced it had freed dissident
Andrei Sakharov from internal exile, and pardoned his wife,
Yelena Bonner. 

1989 U.S. troops invaded Panama to overthrow the regime of
General Noriega. 

1996 The school board of Oakland, CA, voted to recognize
Black English, also known as "ebonics." The board later
reversed its stance. 

1997 "Titanic" opened in American movie theaters. 

1998 U.S. President Bill Clinton was impeached on two
charges of perjury and obstruction of justice by the U.S.
House of Representatives. 

1998 A four-day bombing of Iraq by British and American
forces ended. 

2000 The U.N. Security Council voted to impose sanctions on
Afghanistan's Taliban rulers unless they closed all
terrorist training camps and surrender U.S. embassy bombing
suspect Osama bin Laden. 

2008 U.S. President George W. Bush signed a $17.4 billion
rescue package of loans for ailing auto makers General
Motors and Chrysler.

2017  smiled.

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Network Solutions 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, December 18

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Traffic stop leads to big heroin bust
Today, December 18 in
1898 A new automobile speed record was set at 39 mph 
(63 kmh). 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. --- Doug Larson Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this story: The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she screamed. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night , the ones you wouldn't eat because you think I am a bad cook. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same..." Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?" So, if you want a divorce, dont let the door slam your butt." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Ray and his live-in girlfriend were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." Ray said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." She replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Ray replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Mai Ly Thuy Johnson, 35, Dujuan Jerel Johnson, 36, Covington, Lopuisiana Traffic stop leads to big heroin bust A traffic stop on Interstate 10 in Calcasieu Parish has led to the arrest of a Covington-area woman on multiple narcotics and weapons related charges. Mai Ly Thuy Johnson, 35, was booked into the St. Tammany Parish jail Monday after investigators found 3.3 kilograms of heroin with an estimated street value of $825,000 along with $9,614 in cash in her apartment, Louisiana State Police reported Wednesday (Dec. 6). An investigation began Monday when Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's Office deputies stopped a vehicle on I-10 driven by Dujuan Jerel Johnson, 36, of Covington. During the traffic stop, deputies found Johnson to be in possession of $72,600 in cash. He was arrested and booked into the Calcasieu Parish jail on a charge of money laundering, State Police reported in a news release. Through an investigation, deputies and troopers assigned to the Combined Anti-Drug Team (C.A.T.) Narcotics Task Force discovered evidence linking Johnson to an apartment in the River Chase area, south of Covington. On Tuesday (Dec. 5), agents went to the apartment and spoke with Mai Ly Thuy Johnson, the wife of Dujuan Jerel Johnson, State Police said. The woman gave troopers written consent to search the apartment. During the search, agents discovered a Century Arms AK-47 pistol, $9,614.00 in cash, about five grams of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, a 20-ton hydraulic press used to press and brand kilograms of narcotics, a vacuum sealer, a table top currency counter and several other items used for the distribution and manufacture of illegal narcotics, according to the news release. Investigators also found a locked safe in the residence. A search warrant was obtained for the safe, which was found to contain a stolen Ruger LCP .380-caliber handgun and more than seven pounds of heroin with an estimated street value of $825,000, State Police said. Mai Ly Thuy Johnson was arrested and booked into the St. Tammany Parish jail on the following charges: Possession with intent to distribute a schedule I controlled dangerous substance [heroin] Possession of schedule I controlled dangerous substance [marijuana] Transactions Involving proceeds from drug offenses Possession of a firearm in the presence of a controlled dangerous substance Possession of a stolen firearm Possession of drug paraphernalia The criminal investigation is ongoing and additional arrests are anticipated, State Police said. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Linda Re: Network Solutions Dear Webby, I have been told by my friends that you are the most patient coach on the net, and I have found that to be more than true enough when you taught me HTML over the net. How do YOU deal with the morons at Network Solutions? They messed up my domain registration again, and refuse to fix it. Linda Dear Linda Usually it is a total waste of time trying to argue with them. Neither diplomacy nor cussing works. Just put them behind you and move your domain registration to a better registrar. The only good thing I can say about Notwork Delusions is that they annoyed me enough in the early 90's to not only move all domains away from them, but to offer registration services to all of our clients myself. It was really easy to do. All I had to do was do the opposite of what they do. And I can do it for $25 LESS than what they charge. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Two contafiters way up nort in Chicargo wuz makin sum contafit money an dey accidently made sum twelve dollar bill by mistake. Dey made a whole bunch of dem before dey foun dere mistake, so insted of startin over dey decide to try to pass dem off. Dey always herd how backward people in Louisiana wuz, especially dem folks name Boudreaux frum down neer Lafayette so dey jumpin dere car an drive down to Lafayette, LA an wen dey got dere dey look in da fone book an shore enuf dey fine Boudreaux's General Store an Mercantile listed rite dere in da yeller pages. Dey went to Boudreaux's store an walk up to da man at da counter. Da firs contafiter say, "Are you Mr. Boudreaux?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore, dat's me. Wat can Ah do fer you fellers?" Da contafiter wisper to his frien, "This is gonna be easier than I thought." Da contafiter say, "Can you give us change for a twelve dollar bill?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore Ah can! How you want dat, tree fores, fore trees, or too sixes?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from A Separate Bag for Socks I use a clothespin to attach a mesh lingerie washing bag to everyone's hamper and trained them to put socks and tights in there. No more single socks! If for some reason we do find single socks lying around they go directly into the hamper. When I pull one out of the dryer I then know to put it in the "single sock" basket to await it's mate. Every few months I throw out any unmated socks. By Lily Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ From Steve I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work. "Wow, Steve," she gushed, "you're an expert." Gloating, feeling like the king that I am, but trying not to seem egotistical, I responded, "Once you get going, it's pretty easy." She looked puzzled, and I wondered if I'd misunderstood her. So I asked, "What did you say, Jen?" She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
Strange doodles in the margins of Medieval books.
Mrs. Morris Spiegelbaum beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain Store downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the sheep do at night?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 18, in 
1796 The "Monitor," of Baltimore, MD, was published as the
first Sunday newspaper. 

1862 The first orthopedic hospital was organized in New
York City. It was called the Hospital for Ruptured and

1865 U.S. Secretary of State William Seward issued a
statement verifying the ratification of the 13th Amendment
to the U.S. Constitution abolishing slavery. 

1898 A new automobile speed record was set at 39 mph (63

1903 The Panama Canal Zone was acquired 'in perpetuity' by
the U.S. for an annual rent. 

1912 The discovery of the Piltdown Man in East Sussex was
announced. It was proved to be a hoax in 1953. 

1915 U.S. President Wilson, widowed the year before,
married Edith Bolling Galt at her Washington home. 

1916 During World War I, after 10 months of fighting the
French, with the help of the Allies, defeated the Germans
in the Battle of Verdun. 

1935 A $1 silver certificate was issued for the first time
in the U.S. 

1940 Adolf Hitler signed a secret directive ordering
preparations for a Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union.
Operation "Barbarossa" was launched in June 1941. 

1944 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation
of Japanese-Americans, but also stated that undeniably
loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not be detained.

1950 NATO foreign ministers approved plans to defend
Western Europe, including the use of nuclear weapons, if

1953 WPTZ, in Philadelphia, PA, presented a Felso
commercial, it was the first color telecast seen on a local

1956 Japan was admitted to the United Nations. 

1957 The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania
went online. It was the first nuclear facility to generate
electricity in the United States. It was taken out of
service in 1982. 

1965 Kenneth LeBel jumped 17 barrels on ice skates. 

1969 Britain's Parliament abolished the death penalty for

1970 Divorce became legal in Italy. 

1972 The United States began the heaviest bombing of North
Vietnam during the Vietnam War. The attack ended 12 days

1973 The IRA launched its Christmas bombing campaign in

1979 The sound barrier was broken on land for the first
time by Stanley Barrett when he drove at 739.6 mph. 

1983 Wayne Gretzky (Edmonton Oilers) scored his 100th point
in the 34th game of the season. 

1987 Ivan F. Boesky was sentenced to three years in prison
for plotting Wall Street's biggest insider-trading scandal.
He only served about two years of the sentence. 

1996 Despite a U.N. truce, factional fighting in the Somali
capital of Mogadishu, broke out in which at least 300
fighters and civilians were killed. 

1998 Russia recalled its U.S. ambassador in protest of the
U.S. attacks on Iraq. 

1998 South Carolina proceeded with the U.S.' 500th
execution since capital punishment was restored. 

1999 After living atop an ancient redwood in Humboldt
County, CA, for two years, environmental activist Julia
"Butterfly" Hill came down, ending her anti-logging

2001 A fire damaged New York City's St. John Cathedral. The
cathedral is the largest in the United States. 

2001 In Seattle, WA, Gary Leon Ridgeway pled innocent to
the charge of murder for four of the Green River serial
killings. He had been arrested on November 30, 2001. 

2003 Adam Rich was arrested for driving onto a closed
section of Interstate 10 and nearly struck a California
Highway Patrol car. 

2009 General Motors announced that it would shut down its
Saab brand. 

2009 A Paris court ruled that Google was breaking French
law with its policy of digitizing books and fined the
company a $14,300-a-day fine until it rids its search
engine of the literary extracts. 

2009 James Cameron's movie "Avatar" was released in the
United States. On January 26, the movie became the highest-
grossing film worldwide. 

2010 In Nanjing, China, the Zifeng Tower opened. 

2017  smiled.

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He is not getting responses 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, December 17
Thanks, Bonnie!

Chanukah begins Tues. night, Dec. 12, 2017 and continues
through Wednesday, December 20, 2017.
Chanukah is the Jewish eight-day, wintertime  festival of
lights,  celebrated with a nightly menorah lighting,
special prayers and fried foods.

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Mom placed 6-year-old in a chair to 
hold parking space while she shopped
Today, December 17 in
1903 The first successful gasoline-powered airplane flight
took place near Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright
made the flight.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? --- Sigmund Freud A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --- Milton Berle The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. --- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at. --- Carlos A. Urbizo Type fast and get even! --- DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Lets start with a classic: PURINA DIET I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a bus hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he roared with laughter staggering to the door and fresh air. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday." Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two- dollar bills safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you left." ______________________________________________________ Amazon sells gourmet catfood! ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch. A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Elda Solis, 47, Marathon, Florida Mom placed 6-year-old in a chair to hold parking space while she shopped Elda Solis, 47, was charged with child neglect Thursday for allegedly leaving a 6-year-old child guarding her parking spot at her housing complex, the Eastwind Apartments at 240 Sombrero Beach Road in Marathon, while she went to Publix across the street. The youth was sitting in a chair in the parking space. The incident took place around 10 p.m. Dec. 7. According to Monroe County Sheriff's Office, the agency received information about the incident the following day. When they confronted Solis, she admitted it was true, agency spokeswoman Becky Herrin said. When investigators interviewed the child, she said, the child said it was not the first time Solis had her hold her parking spot. Detectives obtained a warrant for the woman's arrest and she was taken to jail Thursday. ----------- In Chicago they now have a bylaw agaist placing couches or other large furniture to save your just shovelled parking spot, while you go get your car after you finish shoveling. However, an inflatable escort with an AR-15 is currently still legal. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: frtbr57326... Re: Not getting responses Dear Webby, I make web pages, but when I write to businesses if they want any, I never get any reply, and then they get pages made by somebody else.I just seem to remind them to go find somebody. Why is that? Dear FartBrain I can see why you would be sending potential customers to your competitors. 1) You are writing with a silly alias that is about as confidence and trust inspiring as a ski mask in a bank. Get yourself a domain like the real businesses, and base your address on that. 2) You blurt like a heckler or ill-mannered kid. Learn to write emails like the grown-ups. Greet whoever you are writing to by name. 3) You run away like a midnight vandal. Sign off properly! Except for other AOLers, very few people will write to you, if they have to invent a name for you. 4) Graduate from AOL ! Even though some AOLers claim that they have made money marketing to other AOLers, very few have any success trying to sell anything to people on the real Internet. You have too many other AOLers giving you a bad name. You might as well be using a jail address or admit that you are using FrontPage. No money in that. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. The Miracle Toddler Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Anni showed up at the photo shop with an old picture of a former beau wearing a hat, She wanted to know if the photographer could retouch the photo and remove the hat from the picture. - He convinced Anni, that it could easily be accomplished, and asked her what side of his head did the man in the picture part his hair on. - Thinking hard for a moment, Anni said, "I forget, but you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Color Coordinated Children Someone I know, that's a single mom, has her kids color coordinated. Each kid has picked their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. She said this helps her out a whole lot. Maybe this could help you out, too. By Terri H. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this story: A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese-making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats who had been put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
The art of well dressing.
While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the the aisle I was going down. "Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is a litle more expensive." "Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied. As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high priced cat food. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 17, in 
1777 To annoy England, France recognized American
independence from England. 

1791 A traffic regulation in New York City established the
first street to go "One Way." 

1830 South American patriot Simon Bolivar died in Colombia.

1895 George L. Brownell received a patent for his paper-
twine machine. 

1903 The first successful gasoline-powered airplane flight
took place near Kitty Hawk, NC. Orville and Wilbur Wright
made the flight. 

1939 The German pocket battleship Graf Spee was scuttled by
its crew, bringing the World War II Battle of the Rio de
Plata off Uruguay to an end. 

1944 The U.S. Army announced the end of its policy of
excluding Japanese-Americans from the West Coast which
ensured that Japanese-Americans were released from
detention camps. 

1953 The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) decided to
approve RCA's color television specifications. 

1957 The United States successfully test-fired the Atlas
intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time. 

1959 The film "On the Beach" premiered in New York City and
in 17 other cities. It was the first motion picture to
debut simultaneously in major cities around the world. 

1969 The U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by
concluding that there was no evidence of extraterrestrial
spaceships behind thousands of UFO sightings. 

1973 Thirty-one people were killed at Rome airport when
Arab guerillas hijacked a German airliner. 

1975 Lynette Fromme was sentenced to life in prison for her
attempt on the life of U.S. President Ford. 

1976 WTCG-TV, Atlanta, GA, changed its call letters to
WTBS, and was uplinked via satellite. The station became
the first commercial TV station to cover the entire U.S. 

1978 OPEC decided to raise oil prices by 14.5% by the end
of 1979. 

1979 Arthur McDuffie, a black insurance executive, was
fatally beaten after a police chase in Miami, FL. Four
white police officers were later acquitted of charges
stemming from McDuffie's death. 

1986 Wayne "Danke Schoen" Newton won a $19.2 million suit
against NBC News. NBC had aired reports claiming a link
between Newton and mob figures. The reports were proven to
be false. 

1986 Davina Thompson became the world's first recipient of
a heart, lungs, and liver transplant. 

1986 Eugene Hasefus was pardoned and then released by
Nicaragua. He had been convicted of running guns to the

1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush, Canadian Prime
Minister Brian Mulroney and Mexican President Carlos
Salinas de Gortari signed the North American Free Trade

1992 Israel deported over 400 Palestinians to Lebanese
territory in an unprecedented mass expulsion of suspected

1996 Peruvian guerrillas took hundreds of people hostage at
the Japanese embassy in Lima. The siege ended on April 22,
1997, with a commando raid that resulted in the deaths of
all the rebels, two commandos and one hostage. 

1996 The Red Cross pulled all but a few of its western
staff out of Chechnya after six foreign aid workers were
killed by masked gunmen. 

1997 U.S. President Clinton signed the No Electronic Theft
Act. The act removed protection from individuals who
claimed that they took no direct financial gains from
stealing copyrighted works and downloading them from the

1998 U.S. House Speaker-designate Bob Livingston admitted
he'd had extramarital affairs. 

2002 U.S. President George W. Bush ordered the Pentagon to
have ready for use within two years a system for protecting
American territory, troops and allies from ballistic
missile attacks. 

2002 McDonald's Corp. warned that they would report its
first quarterly loss in its 47-year history. 

2002 The insurance and finance company Conseco Inc. filed
for Chapter 11 protection. It was the third-largest
bankruptcy in U.S. history. 

2002 Congo's government, opposition parties and rebels
signed a peace agreement that ended four years of civil

2004 U.S. President George W. Bush signed into law the
largest overhaul of U.S. intelligence gathering in 50
years. The bill aimed to tighten borders and aviation
security. It also created a federal counterterrorism center
and a new intelligence director.

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, December 16

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
La Crosse, Wisconsin burglar leaves money, 
probation papers behind, locks himself out 
and calls 911 for help.

Today, December 16 in
1773 Nearly 350 chests of tea were dumped into Boston
Harbor off of British ships by Colonial patriots. The
patriots were disguised as Indians. The act was to protest
taxation without representation and the monopoly the
government granted to the East India Company.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. --- Gertrude Stein (1874 - 1946) A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. --- Gian Vincenzo Gravina (1664 - 1718) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ When a coworker received a phone call from her daughter, we heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!" After she had hung up, I asked, "Boy or girl?" "Neither," my colleague replied... "Diet." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find 'something exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on, walked up to the front of the class...... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?" "I don't know," he said, "but yesterday my sister was 'missing' one. Then my mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, the preacher across the street drove off a cliff, and Willie, next door, ran off and joined the Navy. _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Randy Bolstad, 42, La Crosse, Wisconsin La Crosse, Wisconsin burglar leaves money, probation papers behind, locks himself out and calls 911 for help. La Crosse police nabbed a suspected burglar who left money and probation papers behind and called 911 for help getting back inside the business. According to a criminal complaint, Randy Bolstad called 911 on Saturday afternoon to say he had lost money in the King on Fifth building and said he was going to break in if officers didn’t respond. Bolstad could not explain to the dispatcher how he had gotten inside the building to lose his money, and police who responded were unable to locate him Saturday. Police responded to the building Monday morning after a caller reported his laptop computer was missing and said he’d found condoms and loose change in the bathroom of his business. In the bathroom trash can, an officer found probation paperwork for Bolstad. Officers found Bolstad Monday walking through the Viterbo University campus without shoes, according to the complaint. When questioned about the theft of the laptop, he responded, “I choose death.” Bolstad, who was sentenced in November to three years probation for robbery, was charged Tuesday with one count of burglary. He was being held on a $1,000 cash bond and a probation violation. He wont have to worry about cooking Christmas dinner. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Alexa Re: Speakers Dear Webby, I need louder speakers, and if possible better quality, because we use Internet radio as background music in the warehouse. However, I found that $69 and $129 speakers are not really any better than $14.95 speakers. What do you recommend? Alexa Dear Alexa Go to a second hand store or pawn shop and get yourself a boom box (portable stereo system) or old home stereo system. They are quite cheap and usually have great sound. Unlike new and shrink-wrapped systems at a music store, the people in used goods stores usually let you plug them in and listen to them. Then just cut off the wires going to the speakers and connect them to the AUX IN connectors on the boom box or stereo, the connectors made for input from a record player or tape deck. That way you have the amplification and control, often even with an equalizer, and plenty of volume. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Cookie for this report: The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests so far, there is only one test left. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America. Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works for Verizon. I know because I talked to him yesterday.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at 5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company... 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: 7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is 9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Recycling Spray Bottles When you use up a cleaning product that is in a spray bottle, save the spray bottle for your own homemade cleaning products. Be sure to clean it thoroughly as mixing some chemicals, like bleach and ammonia, can create a dangerous gas. Remove the label and mark the bottle clearly so it is not mistaken for something else (and keep up out of the reach of children as with any cleaning product). Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really perturbed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday!
Interesting old photos.
When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 16, in 
1653 Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England,
Scotland and Ireland. 

1773 Nearly 350 chests of tea were dumped into Boston
Harbor off of British ships by Colonial patriots. The
patriots were disguised as Indians. The act was to protest
taxation without representation and the monopoly the
government granted to the East India Company. 

1809 Napoleon Bonaparte was divorced from the Empress
Josephine by an act of the French Senate. 

1835 In New York, 530 buildings were destroyed by fire. 

1838 The Zulu chief Dingaan was defeated by a small force
of Boers at Blood River, celebrated in South Africa as
'Dingaan's Day'.

1850 The first immigrant ship, the Charlotte Jane, arrived
at Lyttleton, New Zealand. 

1901 "The Tale of Peter Rabbit," by Beatrix Potter, was
printed for the first time. 

1905 Sime Silverman published the first issue of "Variety".

1912 The first postage stamp to depict an airplane was
issued was a 20-cent parcel-post stamp. 

1940 French Premier Petain arrested Pierre Laval after
learning of a plan for Laval to seize power and set up a
new government with German support. 

1944 During World War II, the Battle of the Bulge began in
Belgium. It was the final major German counteroffensive in
the war. 

1950 U.S. President Truman proclaimed a national state of
emergency in order to fight "Communist imperialism." 

1960 A United Air Lines DC-8 and a TWA Super Constellation
collided over New York City, killing 134 people. 

1972 The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go
unbeaten and untied in a 14-game regular season. The
Dolphins went on to defeat the Washington Redskins in Super
Bowl VII. 

1973 O.J. Simpson broke Jim Brown’s single-season rushing
record in the NFL. Brown had rushed for 1,863 yards, while
Simpson attained 2,003 yards. 

1985 Reputed organized-crime chief Paul Castellano was shot
to death outside a New York City restaurant. 

1990 Jean-Bertrand Aristide, a leftist priest, was elected
president in Haiti's first democratic elections. 

1991 The U.N. General Assembly rescinded its 1975
resolution equating Zionism with racism by a vote of 111-

1993 The United Nations General Assembly adopted a
resolution calling for negotiations on a comprehensive test

1995 Many U.S. government functions were again closed as a
temporary finance provision expired and the budget dispute
between President Clinton and Republicans in Congress

1995 NATO launched a military operation in support of the
Bosnia peace agreement. 

1996 Britain's agriculture minister announced the slaughter
of an additional 100,000 cows thought to be at risk of
contracting BSE in an effort to persuade the EU to lift its
ban on Britain. 

1998 The U.S. and Britain fired hundreds of missiles on
Iraq in response to Saddam Hussein's refusal to comply with
U.N. weapons inspectors. 

1998 Eric Michelman filed the earliest patent for a scroll
wheel for a computer mouse. Scroll wheels had been in use
for 5 years by then, just not patented.

1999 Torrential rains and mudslides in Venezuela left
thousands of people dead and forced at least 120,000 to
leave their homes. 

2000 Researchers announced that information from NASA's
Galileo spacecraft indicated that Ganymede appeared to have
a liquid saltwater ocean beneath a surface of solid ice.
Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, is the solar system's largest
moon. The discovery is considered important since water is
a key ingredient for life. 

2000 U.S. President-elect George W. Bush selected Colin
Powell to be the first African-American secretary of state.
Powell was sworn in January 20, 2001. 

2001 In Tora Bora, Afghanistan, tribal fighters announced
that they had taken the last al-Quaida positions. More than
200 fighters were killed and 25 captured. They also
announced that they had found no sign of Osama bin Laden. 

2001 Cuba received the first commercial food shipment from
the United States in nearly 40 years. The shipment was sent
to help Cuba after Hurrican Michelle hit Cuba on November
4, 2001. 

2001 A British newspaper, The Observer, reported that a
notebook had been found at an al-Quaida training camp in
southern Afghanistan. The notebook contained a "blue print"
for a bomb attack on London's financial district. 

2009 Astronomers discovered GJ1214b. It was the first-known
exoplanet on which water could exist.

2017  smiled.

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Lost tripod bolt 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, December 15
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
British championship body builder has been 
jailed after sexually abusing a 4-year-old 
girl, and threatening to kill her family.
Today, December 15 in
2001 It was announced that Siena Heights University would
begin offering a class called "Animated Philosophy and
Religion." The two-credit class would cover how religion
and philosophy are part of popular culture and is based on
the television series "The Simpsons." 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. --- Carl Sandburg (1878 - 1967) A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool, usually has his suspicions. --- Wilson Mizner Men who never get carried away should be. --- Malcolm Forbes The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. --- Robert Frost ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests? ------- Not really. Spilling unused beer is severely frowned upon! _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!" ______________________________________________________ Lets Get Outa Here! ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!" "Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!" "He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jenev Varghese, 32, Luton, England British championship body builder has been jailed after sexually abusing a 4-year-old girl, and threatening to kill her family. Jenev Varghese, 32, of Luton, was sentenced to 12 years behind bars at Luton Crown Court yesterday. He was found guilty of two counts of sexually assaulting a child under the age of 13. During the trial the jury heard how Varghese sexually assaulted the young girl on a number of occasions. He threatened to murder her loved ones if she spoke out and told anybody. Detective Constable Samantha Shane, of the Bedfordshire Police Public Protection Unit, said: ‘Varghese took advantage and abused his incredibly young victim in the worst way possible. ‘It is impossible to comprehend the abuse that this child suffered, but I hope that her and her family are now able to move on from this awful experience. ‘I’m really pleased with the severe sentence. ‘I hope it sends a stark warning to others who think they can abuse children and get away with it.’ Judge Lynn Tayton QC handed Varghese a 12 year sentence with a one year extension. He was also placed on the Sex Offenders’ Register indefinitely and handed a Sexual Harm Prevention Order. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Alex Re: Tripod Bolt Dear Webby, I lent out my tripod and it came back with the bolt, that holds the camera, missing. My Camera is a Canon Powershot. What kind of bolt is required to hold it? Alex Dear Alex 99.9% of all cameras take a standard 1/4" x 20 (1/4" coarse) bolt. With some searching hardware stores you should be able to find a wing-bolt. If not, simply glue a wing-nut onto the bolt head with 2-hour epoxy. You may have to shorten the bolt, or use washers. Dont drive it into the camera too deep or too hard. The socket on the camera is just very soft aluminum. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A little boy who is rushing out of the house pauses in front of his father. "Dad," the boy says, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" "Son, it just wouldn't be right," his father says. "That's okay," the little fellow says. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting a little impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Getting Used To Wearing Dentures By Kim Churchman Sorry you have to go through this. You can do it, you will come out the other side a success. Practice the sounds 55, 33 and 66. Keep going back to your dentist for adjustments, ten times if necessary. You need to be able to wrap your lips around them without ever getting a sore. I am a dental hygienist and was a longtime assistant to a doc who made dentures. Twice we failed, and one was someone who could not stop gagging. He went for hypnosis and had to face an unpleasant suppressed memory to get it stopped. The other was someone whose jaw did not hold the plate, so it fell off when he opened his mouth. Implants helped him. If worst comes to worst, you can get the denture anchored with implants, and they make mini ones that are far cheaper. My patients who have implants say that they are awesome, they really rave about how great they feel and chew. Implants are not for smokers because they don't anchor well. God bless you. Dentures are famous for making strong men cry. Tip provided by That myth about smokers is total BS, typical for non-smokers badmouthing smokers. I used to be a heavy smoker and never had a problem with dentures. Billions of smokers wear dentures without a problem. I realize smoking is a real nuisance and severely annoys some people, including me now, but it has absolutely no effect on dentures. The secret is to wait half a year after you get your teeth pulled, before you get your dentures made. It helps, of couse, if you have a competent denturist! Then get one of those "Postal Pencils", the purple copper permanaganate indelible pencils, that have a paper ribbon wound around the core instead of wood. Yeah, I know, they are getting hard to find, and you might have to use a substitute if you are not successful in finding one. Use that very soft pencil and touch it to any sore spot. Dont do that until your gums are properly healed and hardened for half a year! Then put the dentures in briefly. The purple will transfer and show you where you have a high spot. Scrape that high spot gently with a sharp screwdriver or key file. Dont get carried away! Just scrape until the purple is gone, then test the denture. You will soon have perfectly fitting and painless dentures. I am still and always will be grateful to the old denturist in Kittimat, BC, who taught me that trick in 1972. Eventually, as you age and shrink, you will have to reline the dentures. That is a topic for another daay, if anybody is interested. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "OOOPS!"
Roy D. Mercer-How Big a Ol' Boy are Ya-#4-Pharmicist
The Dilemma Which would you choose? You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 15, in 
1654 A meteorological office established in Tuscany began
recording daily temperature readings. 

1791 In the U.S., the first ten amendments to the
Constitution, known as the Bill of Rights, went into effect
following ratification by the state of Virginia. 

1815 Jane Austen's "Emma" was published. 

1840 Napoleon Bonaparte's remains were interred in Les
Invalides in Paris, having been brought from St. Helena,
where he died in exile. 

1854 In Philadelphia, the first street cleaning machine was
put into use. 

1877 Thomas Edison patented the phonograph. 

1890 American Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other
tribe members were killed in Grand River, SD, during an
incident with Indian police working for the U.S.

1925 The third Madison Square Gardens opened. 

1939 "Gone With the Wind," produced by David O. Selznick
based on the novel by Margaret Mitchell, premiered at
Loew's Grand Theater in Atlanta. The movie starred Vivien
Leigh and Clark Gable. 

1941 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into
practice Bill of Rights Day. 

1944 A single-engine plane carrying U.S. Army Major Glenn
Miller disappeared in thick fog over the English Channel
while en route to Paris. 

1944 American forces invaded Mindoro Island in the

1944 Dr. R. Townley Paton and a small group of doctors laid
the groundwork for the Eye-Bank for Sight Restoration. 

1961 Former Nazi official Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to
death in Jerusalem by an Israeli court. He had been tried
on charges for organizing the deportation of Jews to
concentration camps. 

1964 Canada's House of Commons approved a newly designed
Maple Leaf flag thereby dropping the Canadian "Red Ensign"

1965 Two U.S. manned spacecraft, Gemini 6 and Gemini 7,
maneuvered within 10 feet of each other while in orbit
around the Earth. 

1966 Walter Elias "Walt" Disney died in Los Angeles at the
age of 65. 

1970 The Soviet probe Venera 7 became the first spacecraft
to land softly on the surface of Venus. The probe only
survived the extreme heat and pressure for about 23 minutes
and transmitted the first data received on Earth from the
surface of another planet.

1973 J. Paul Getty III was found in southern Italy after
being held captive for five months, during which his right
ear was cut off and sent to a newspaper in Rome. 

1978 U.S. President Carter announced he would grant
diplomatic recognition to Communist China on New Year's Day
and sever official relations with Taiwan. 

1979 Iran demanded that the US extradite the the former
shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi. The US, who had
initially installed him in Iran, sent him to Panama. He had
gone to the U.S. for medical treatment on October 22, 1979.

1979 In a preliminary ruling, the International Court of
Justice ordered Iran to release all hostages that had been
taken at the U.S. embassy in Tehran on November 4, 1979. 

1981 The U.S. Congress passed $200 billion spending bill.
At the time it was the largest in U.S. history. 

1982 Gibraltar's frontier with Spain was opened to
pedestrian use after 13 years. 

1983 The last 80 U.S. combat soldiers in Grenada withdrew.
It was just over seven weeks after the U.S.-led invasion of
the Caribbean island. 

1989 An uprising in Romania began as demonstrators gathered
to prevent the arrest of the Reverend Laszlo Tokes, a
dissident clergyman. 

1992 IBM announced it would eliminate 25-thousand employees
in the coming year. 

1992 Bettino Craxi, the leader of Italy's Socialist Party,
was informed that he was under investigation in a
burgeoning corruption scandal in the northern city of

1992 El Salvador's government and leftist guerrilla leaders
formally declared the end of the country's 12-year civil

1993 In Geneva, 117 countries completed the Uruguay Round
of the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). The
countries agreed on a reform package. 

1993 The prime ministers of Britain and the Republic of
Ireland (John Major and Albert Reynolds respectively) made
the "Downing Street Declaration," stating the basis for
trying to achieve peace in Northern Ireland. 

1995 The U.N. Security Council authorized NATO to take over
the peacekeeping operations in Bosnia. 

1995 French rail workers voted to end a three-week-old

1996 Boeing Co. announced plans to pay $13.3 billion to
acquire rival aircraft manufacturer McDonnell Douglas Corp.

1999 Syria reopened peace talks with Israel in Washington,
DC, with the mediation of U.S. President Clinton. 

2000 The Chernobyl atomic power plant in Kiev, Ukraine, was
shut down. 

2000 New York Senator-elect Hillary Rodham Clinton agreed
to accept an $8 million book deal with Simon & Schuster.
The book was to be about her eight years in the White
House. The advance was the highest ever to be paid to a
member of the U.S. Congress. 

2001 It was announced that Siena Heights University would
begin offering a class called "Animated Philosophy and
Religion." The two-credit class would cover how religion
and philosophy are part of popular culture and is based on
the television series "The Simpsons." 

2010 The U.N. Security Council gave a vote of confidence to
the government of Iraq when they lifted 19-year-old
sanctions on weapons and civilian nuclear power. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, December 14

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman ran up a huge hotel bill 
and was busted for not paying
Today, December 13 in
1900 Professor Max Planck of Berlin University revealed his
revolutionary Quantum Theory. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Health food makes me sick. --- Calvin Trillin (1935 - ) If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person, they will find an easier way to do it. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A kindergarten teacher is walking around her classroom observing her students while they draw. One little girl is working especially diligently, so the teacher asks what she is working on. "I'm drawing God," the child says. The teacher pauses, then says, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replies, "They will in a minute." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife" ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Most Yuppette's have no use for men who try to mess up the country's economy by living within their income. I've noticed the oddest behavior of Yuppettes. The only time they won't look into a mirror is when they're pulling out of a parking space. _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Margaret Pryor, 50, St Johns Florida Florida woman ran up a huge hotel bill and was busted for not paying The st. Johns county sheriff's office said a homeless woman stayed at the courtyard marriott in st. Augustine beach and racked up a $4,000 bill that she failed to pay. Police said margaret pryor, 50, stayed in room 233 from nov. 8 to nov. 29 before she was finally asked to leave. She had paid only $150 of a bill that eventually totaled $3,951.278. Pryor is in the st. Johns county jail on $1,500 bail. She faces felony fraud charges. A dog that was left in the hotel room was taken to dogtown usa in in st. Augustine. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rhonda Re: AIM Triton nuisance Dear Webby, I enjoy receiving your humor newsletter! I notice you have given advice about some computer questions. I have one. I have been receiving an “active update” for Aim Triton 1.5 Preview that appears as a popup. I have Aim instant messenger but do not want the Triton update. The problem is, I cannot get rid of the active update from popping up every little bit. There is no delete button with it. There is a view history which will call up a box which lists the Triton preview, which I highlight and delete. But shortly thereafter the update will pop up again. I cannot fine an e-mail address to send to the Aim company with my complaint. How do I get rid of this nuisance? Thank you for any help! Ronda Edith Dear Rhonda Yes, I do answer computer questions. That's how I got stuck with the "DearWebby" nickname in the late 80s and early 90s. I think AIM Triton has gone out of fashion. Most likely what you got is some kind of malicious infection. AIM is AOL Instant Messenger. Contact AOL support and find out if the pop-up is really theirs, or some other nuisance trying to cash in on a recognized name. You can also use MalwareBytes and scan your machine for malware. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Marked Down Meat Grocery stores mark down meat when it gets near its "sell by" date. There is nothing wrong with the meat, the grocery store just needs to move it before the "sell by" date has passed. If you are shopping for tonight's dinner then this meat can be real bargain. If you don't plan on eating the meat quickly, freeze it for future use. Tip provided by Most meats are "doctored" to appear red and fresh longer, however, in spite of all the chemicals, eventually it still turns dark. That does not mean it is bad. Green is bad, but brown is good! That is when chefs, and those who know, buy the meat. At 21 to 28 days after slaughter a steak is as tender as if you got it at a high class steak restaurant. Sure, some, like Outback, cheat a bit and marinade in some rather strong stuff to make them tender and juicy, but the same can be accomplished by simply aging the meat about 3 weeks. The ideal time for steaks or roasts is when they are as dark as properly smoked salami. Because most people don't know about that and go for the fresh, bright red cuts, stores often mark the meat down when it gets darker. That's just fine by me. I'll gladly take the darkest steaks. If the meat feels dry, half an hour in a simple sea salt brine will juice it right up. DearWebby ____________________________________________________ >From Frank My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit... When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."
Puzzlewood, Tolkiens inspiration for Middle Earth.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 14, in 
1503 Physician, astrologer and clairvoyant Nostradamus was
born at St. Remy, Provence, France. 

1798 David Wilkinson of Rhode Island patented the nut and
bolt machine. 

1900 Professor Max Planck of Berlin University revealed his
revolutionary Quantum Theory. 

1903 Orville Wright made the first attempt at powered
flight. The engine stalled during take-off and the plane was
damaged in the attempt. Three days later, after repairs were
made, the modern aviation age was born when the plane stayed
aloft for 12 seconds and flew 102 feet. 

1911 Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen became the first man
to reach the South Pole. He reached the destination 35 days
ahead of Captain Robert F. Scott. 

1918 For the first time in Britain women (over 30) voted in
a General Election. 

1939 The Soviet Union was dropped from the League of

1945 Josef Kramer, known as "the beast of Belsen," and 10
others were executed in Hamelin for the crimes they
committed at the Belsen and Auschwitz Nazi concentration

1946 The U.N. General Assembly voted to establish the United
Nation's headquarters in New York City. 

1959 Archbishop Makarios was elected Cyprus' first

1962 The U.S. space probe Mariner II approached Venus. It
transmitted information about the planet's atmosphere and
surface temperature. 

1975 Six South Moluccan terrorists surrendered to police
after holding 23 people hostage for 12 days on a train near
the Dutch town of Beilen. 

1981 Israel annexed the Golan Heights, seized from Syria in
war in 1967. 

1983 The U.S. battleship New Jersey fired on Syrian
positions in Lebanon for the first time after American F-14
reconnaissance flights were fired on. 

1985 Wilma Mankiller became the first Indian woman to lead a
major American Indian tribe as she formally took office as
principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of OKlahoma. 

1986 The experimental aircraft Voyager, piloted by Dick
Rutan and Jeana Yeager, took off from California on the
first non-stop, non-refueled flight around the world. The
trip took nine days to complete. 

1987 Chrysler pled no contest to federal charges of selling
several thousand vehicles as new when Chrysler employees had
driven the vehicles with the odometer disconnected. 

1988 CBS won the exclusive rights to major league baseball's
1990-94 seasons for $1.1 billion. 

1988 The first transatlantic underwater fiber-optic cable
went into service. 

1990 After 30 years in exile, ANC president Oliver Tambo
returned to South Africa. 

1993 A judge in Colorado struck down the state's voter-
approved Amendment Two prohibiting gay rights laws, calling
it unconstitutional. 

1993 The United Mine Workers approved a five-year contract
that ended a strike that had reached seven states and
involved some of the nation's biggest coal operators. 

1995 The presidents of Bosnia and Herzegovina, Serbia,
Croatia signed the Dayton Accords to end fighting in Bosnia.

1995 AIDS patient Jeff Getty received the first-ever bone-
marrow transplant from a baboon. 

1997 Cuban President Fidel Castro declared Christmas 1997 an
official holiday to ensure the success of Pope John Paul
II's upcoming visit to Cuba. 

1998 Hundreds of Palestinian leaders renounced a call for
the destruction of Israel. 

1999 U.S. and German negotiators agreed to establish a $5.2
billion fund for Nazi-era slave and forced laborers. 

1999 Charles M. Schulz announced he was retiring the
"Peanuts" comic strip. The last original "Peanuts" comic
strip was published on February 13, 2000. 

2000 It was announced that American businessman Edmond Pope
would be released from a Russian prison for humanitarian
reasons. Pope had been sentenced to 20 years in prison after
his conviction on espionage charges. 

2001 European Union leaders agreed to dispatch 3,000-4,000
troops to join an international peacekeeping force in

2001 The first commercial export, since 1963, of U.S. food
to Cuba began. The 24,000 metric tons for corn were being
sent to replenish what was lost when Hurricane Michelle
struck on November 4. 

2013 The Chinese spacecraft Chang'e 3 became the first
spacecraft to "soft"-land on the Moon since 1976. It was
only the third robotic rover to land on the moon. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, December 13

Tonight you`ll see the Geminid meteor shower.
Its an easy one. Hammock, lawn chair or mattress, sleeping
bag, look straight up and northward till your eyes adjust.
Then youll see them about one per minute. Because they are
chunks of asteroid rock, not just the usual cometary dirty
ice, the Geminids are brighter, and sometimes have color.

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman on drugs passes out while driving
with children in back seat
Today, December 13 in
1577 Five ships under the command of Sir Francis Drake left
Plymouth, England, to embark on Drake's circumnavigation of
the globe. The journey took almost three years. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. --- T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965) "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." ---Socrates ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him. The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis." Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter. The whole office heard the secretary bursting out laughing as she read from the computer's screen: "Password rejected. Reason: Too short" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A doctor examines a female patient. Afterward, he takes her husband aside. "I donít want to alarm you," the doctor says, "but I don't like the way your wife looks." "Me neither, Doc," says the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stephanie Hammond, 28, Jacksonville, Florida Florida woman on drugs passes out while driving with children in back seat Clay County deputies say a Jacksonville woman used heroin before passing out at the wheel with her two children in the back seat. Stephanie Hammond, 28, was arrested after witnesses found her unconscious in the driver’s seat on Oakleaf Plantation Parkway on Dec. 3. Shawn Vick said she was on her way home from church when she saw a car slowly moving across the intersection at Southwood Way. She said she and another neighbor pulled over. “(We) threw our cars into park and literally ran and caught up to the car,” Vick said. Deputies say one witness opened the door and safely stopped the car. A Clay County Sheriff’s Office report said the witnesses found Hammond unconscious at the wheel. The police report said she needed CPR because she wasn’t breathing. “I was still on the phone with 911 and I went to check the back seat and there was a newborn and a 2-year-old in the back seat,” Vick said. Vick said she and another witness waited with the children for hours. Hammond is facing two counts of child neglect. Deputies believe she injected heroin into her body while she had custody of her two children, then drove. A spoon and other items found in Hammond’s car tested positive for heroin, according to the police report. Action News Jax went to Hammond’s house to get her side of the story but she did not want to comment. Vick said she feels blessed to have been able to help those children. “It was really the sovereignty of the Lord to have us there at this time so that we could steer her off the road,” she said. A Florida Department of Children and Families spokesperson said the children are safe and being cared for by relatives as DCF investigates. The report does not say why she did not get charged with DUI. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Edith Re: What is an HTML? Dear Webby, You keep mentioning HTML. What is that? Edith Dear Edith HTML is the language or sytem used on the net to write pages. In the 80s we had all kinds of writing programs like Wang, DisplayWrite, WordPerfect, WordStar, Microsoft Word, etc. All accomplished the same thing, but went about it differently, AND none of them were able to read documents created by the other ones. So, some very bright people had some noisy temper tantrums and decided to create a brand new mark-up language, that was not based on any of the popular word processors. With Mark-Up we mean for example bolding words, changing their colors, moving pictures around, etc. Basically all the stuff that each of the word processors were doing, each with their own peculiar methods. Hyper Text Mark-up Language was created so that anybody and everybody could use it and read it. A lot of people whined and bitched a lot, because it was different than their favorite word processor. However, on the just starting Internet the word processors did not work. Initially we could just barely get text through, slowly. Using a short symbol like <.B> to turn bold on and <./B> to turn bold off was a lot smaller. Eventually, as the net got faster in the mid 90s, more and more tricks were added to the HTML, and nowadays, there is almost nothing, that you can`t do with it. The real beauty of it is that it is really easy to learn. See the "Free HTML Course" link on the side menu, that I have had there since 1994. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet!" When Dan, a part time carpet layer and my instructor at the copper mine, told me that in the late 70s, claiming it was him, I believed him!
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Getting The Right Portion of Meat One way to save money on meals is to incorporate less meat into your diet. Most supermarkets have butchers available who can provide you with specific amounts of beef, chicken or seafood. For example, if you only need one chicken breast for a recipe, they can provide it for you, and it normally costs the same price per pound as you will find in the meat displays. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ From Lila I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network."
Ridiculous things bought by billionaires.
There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 13, in 
1577 Five ships under the command of Sir Francis Drake left
Plymouth, England, to embark on Drake's circumnavigation of
the globe. The journey took almost three years. 

1636 The United States National Guard was created when
militia regiments were organized by the General Court of the
Massachusetts Bay Colony. 

1642 New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel

1809 The first abdominal surgical procedure was performed in
Danville, KY, on Jane Todd Crawford. The operation was
performed without an anesthetic. 

1816 John Adamson received a patent for a dry dock. 

1862 In America, an estimated 11,000 Northern soldiers were
killed or wounded when Union forces were defeated by
Confederates under General Robert E. Lee, at the Battle of

1883 The border between Ontario and Manitoba was

1884 Percy Everitt received a patent for the first coin-
operated weighing machine. 

1913 It was announced by authorities in Florence, Italy,
that the "Mona Lisa" had been recovered. The work was stolen
from the Louvre Museum in Paris in 1911. 

1913 In the U.S., the Federal Reserve System was

1918 U.S. President Wilson arrived in France, becoming the
first chief executive to visit a European country while
holding office. 

1921 Britain, France, Japan and the United States signed the
Pacific Treaty. 

1937 Japanese forces took the Chinese city of Nanking
(Nanjing). An estimated 200,000 Chinese were killed over the
next six weeks. The event became known as the "Rape of

1944 During World War II, the U.S. cruiser Nashville was
badly damaged in a Japanese kamikaze suicide attack. 138
people were killed in the attack. 

1964 In El Paso, TX, President Johnson and Mexican President
Gustavo Diaz Ordaz set off an explosion that diverted the
Rio Grande River, reshaping the U.S.-Mexican border. This
ended a century-old border dispute. 

1966 The rights to the first four Super Bowls were sold to
CBS and NBC for total of $9.5 million. 

1980 Three days after a disputed general election, Uganda’s
President Milton Obote was returned to office. 

1981 Authorities in Poland imposed martial law in an attempt
to crackdown on the Solidarity labor movement. Martial law
ended formally in 1983. 

1982 The Sentry Armored Car Company in New York discovered
that $11 million had been stolen from its headquarters
overnight. It was the biggest cash theft in U.S. history. 

1987 U.S. Secretary of State George Shultz told reporters in
Copenhagen, Denmark, that the Reagan administration would
begin making funding requests for the proposed Star Wars
defense system. 

1988 PLO chairman Yasser Arafat addressed the U.N. General
Assembly in Geneva, where it had reconvened after the United
States had refused to grant Arafat a visa to visit New York.

1988 A bankruptcy judge in Columbia, SC, ordered the assets
of the troubled PTL television ministry sold to a Toronto
real estate developer for $65 million. 

1989 South African President F.W. de Klerk met for the first
time with imprisoned African National Congress leader Nelson
Mandela, at de Klerk's office in Cape Town. 

1991 Five Central Asian republics of the Soviet Union agreed
to join the new Commonwealth of Independent States. 

1991 North Korea and South Korea signed a historic non-
aggression agreement. 

1993 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that people must receive a
hearing before property linked to illegal drug sales can be

1993 The European Community ratified a treaty creating the
European Economic Area (EEA), to go into effect January 1,

1994 An American Eagle commuter plane carrying 20 people
crashed short of Raleigh-Durham International Airport in
North Carolina, killing 15 people. 

1995 China's most influential democracy activist, Wei
Jingsheng, who already had spent 16 years in prison, was
sentenced to 14 more years. 

1998 Puerto Rican voters rejected U.S. statehood in a non-
binding referendum. 

2000 U.S. Vice President Al Gore conceded the 2000
Presidential election to Texas Gov. George W. Bush. The
Florida electoral votes were won by only 537 votes, which
decided the election. The election had been contested up to
the U.S. Supreme Court, which said that the Florida recount
(supported by the Florida Supreme Court) was

2000 Seven convicts, the "Texas 7," escaped from Connally
Unit in Kenedy, TX, southeast of San Antonio, by
overpowering civilian workers and prison employees. They
fled with stolen clothing, pickup truck and 16 guns and

2001 The U.S. government released a video tape that showed
Osama bin Laden and others discussing their knowledge of the
terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11,

2001 U.S. President George W. Bush served formal notice to
Russia that the United States was withdrawing from the 1972
Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. 

2001 Israel severed all contact with Yasser Arafat. Israel
also launched air strikes and sent troops into Palestine in
response to a bus ambush that killed 10 Israelis. 

2001 Gunmen stormed the Indian Parliament and killed seven
people and injured 18. Security forces killed the attackers
during a 90-minute gunbattle. 

2001 NBC-TV announced that it would begin running hard
liquor commercials. NBC issued a 19-point policy that
outlined the conditions for accepting liquor ads. 

2001 Michael Frank Goodwin was arrested and booked on two
counts of murder, one count of conspiracy and three special
circumstances (lying in wait, murder for financial gain and
multiple murder) in connection to the death of Mickey
Thompson. Thompson and his wife Trudy were shot to death in
their driveway on March 16, 1988. Thompson, known as the
"Speed King," set nearly 500 auto speed endurance records
including being the first person to travel more than 400 mph
on land. 

2017  smiled.

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Is HTML unsafe? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, December 12

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Marion County deputies nab tattoo-covered 
car theft suspect
Today, December 12 in
1995 The U.S. Senate stopped a constitutional amendment
giving Congress authority to outlaw flag burning and other
forms of desecration against the American flag. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680) It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. --- Carl Sagan ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!) 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing"signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? 23. We're on the decibel system you know. 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost?? 25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? 27. Where do you put the animals at night? 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom." Tourist: " Oh And the most common question, also referred to as the mating call of the blue haired Winnebagan: "An haw much ees dat in reel mohney?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? Which lake?" ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions and beating the fire out by flaing it with their jackets. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts. Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded. "The very first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Robert Wade Hardister, 26, Queens Garden Resort, Florida Marion County deputies nab tattoo-covered car theft suspect Marion County deputies, with the help of their K-9, helped find a car theft suspect from Putnam County, investigators said. Deputies said they noticed a stolen 2005 Hyundai vehicle Saturday pull into the parking lot of the Queens Garden Resort at 3340 S. Pine Ave., in Ocala. Robert Wade Hardister, 26, got out of the car and ran, deputies said. Deputy Matthew Hooper said he and K-9 Ramo tracked Hardister down in the 500 block of SE 35 Place, where Hardister surrendered to deputies without incident. Hardister faces charges of grand theft auto. ROBERT HARDISTER'S PAST ARRESTS: (Sept. 2016) Police: Florida man with tattooed face found asleep in stolen truck at Walmart (June 2017) Report: Admitted drug dealer caught in stolen car in St. Augustine _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: George Re: Is HTML unsafe Dear Webby, A friend has said that opening a message containing HTML could open a virus! Is that really true? I had always heard that virii could only get you if you opened an executable attachment. George Dear George You are right, your friend is wrong. HTML is totally harmless. It is just fancy formatting. If HTML was dangerous, your virus protection would have complained about your daily Humor Letter since the day you subscribed. Nearly all viruses, worms and other malware is spread with plain text messages, NOT with HTML formatted mails, because the file size of a plain text mail is much smaller. Many more can be sent in a much shorter time. As you figured, it's not the formatting of the text and pictures that is dangerous, but attachments are. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. "May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replies, "Maybe it'll attract some business."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
What religion is your bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Old Window Crafts Keep and eye out for old windows with wood frames at yard sales. They can be made into rustic looking picture frames. Find pictures that are a little smaller than the window and use a matte, which can be found at any craft store, to give it a finished look. Use tape or staples (put in sideways) to hold the pictures and mattes in place. Multi-pane windows can be used to frame multiple pictures. An inexpensive way to find artwork or pictures to frame is to use old calendar pages. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Johnny to recite a sentence with a direct object. Johnny stood and thought for a minute. Then he said, "Teacher, I think you are beautiful." "Why thank you, Johnny," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" Little Johnny said, "A good report card."
Old, politically incorrect, commercials.
Thanks to Phil in Salisbury, England Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy." Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything, loses. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 12, in 
1791 The Bank of the United States, also known as the First
Bank, opened for business in Philadelphia, PA. 

1792 In Vienna, 22-year-old Ludwig van Beethoven received
one of his first lessons in music composition from Franz
Joseph Haydn. 

1800 Washington, DC, was established as the capital of the
United States. 

1870 Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first
black lawmaker to be sworn into the U.S. House of

1896 Guglielmo Marconi gave the first public demonstration
of radio at Toynbee Hall, London. 

1897 The comic strip"The Katzenjammer Kids" (Hans and
Fritz), by Rudolph Dirks, appeared in the New York Journal
for the first time. 

1899 George Grant patented the wooden golf tee. 

1900 Charles M. Schwab formed the United States Steel

1901 The first radio signal to cross the Atlantic was picked
up near St. John's Newfoundland, by inventor Guglielmo

1915 The first all-metal aircraft, the German Junkers J1,
made its first flight. 

1917 Father Edward Flanagan opened Boys Town in Nebraska.
The farm village was for wayward boys. In 1979 it was opened
to girls. 

1925 The "Motel Inn," the first motel in the world, opened
in San Luis Obispo, CA. 

1937 Japanese aircraft sank the U.S. gunboat "Panay" on
China's Yangtze River. Japan apologized for the attack, and
paid $2.2 million in reparations. 

1946 A United Nations committee voted to accept a six-block
tract of Manhattan real estate to be the site of the UN's
headquarters. The land was offered as a gift by John D.
Rockefeller Jr. 

1947 The United Mine Workers union withdrew from the
American Federation of Labor. 

1951 The U.S. Navy Department announced that the world's
first nuclear powered submarine would become the sixth ship
to bear the name Nautilus. 

1955 It was announced that the Ford Foundation gave
$500,000,000 to private hospitals, colleges and medical

1955 British engineer Christopher Cockerell patented the
first hovercraft. 

1963 Kenya gained its independence from Britain. 

1975 Sara Jane Moore pled guilty to a charge of trying to
kill U.S. President Ford in San Francisco the previous

1982 20,000 women encircled Greenham Common air base in
Britain in protest against proposed cite of U.S. Cruise
missiles there. 

1983 Car bombs were set off in front of the French and U.S.
embassies in Kuwait City. Shiite extremists were responsible
for the five deaths and 86 wounded. Total of five bombs went
off in different locations. 

1984 In a telephone conversation with U.S. President Reagan,
William J. Schroeder complained of a delay in his Social
Security benefits. Schroeder received a check the following

1985 248 American soldiers and eight crewmembers were killed
when an Arrow Air charter crashed in Gander, Newfoundland
after takeoff. 

1989 Britain forcibly removed 51 Vietnamese from Hong Kong
and returned them to their homeland. 

1989 Leona Helmsley was fined $7 million and sentenced to
four years in prison for tax evasion. 

1991 At the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center (SLAC) in
California, the first web server outside of Europe was

1994 The Brazilian Supreme Court acquitted former President
Fernando Collor de Mello of corruption charges that had
forced him to resign in 1992. 

1994 IBM stopped shipments of personal computers with
Intel's flawed Pentium chip. 

1995 The U.S. Senate stopped a constitutional amendment
giving Congress authority to outlaw flag burning and other
forms of desecration against the American flag. 

1995 Two French airmen shot down over Bosnia arrived home
after almost four months of being held captive by the
Bosnian Serbs. 

1997 Ilich Ramirez Sanchez, the international terrorist
known as "Carlos the Jackal," went on trial in Paris on
charges of killing two French investigators and a Lebanese
national. He was convicted and sentenced to life in prison. 

1997 The U.S. Justice Department ordered Microsoft to sell
its Internet browser separately from its Windows operating
system to prevent it from building a monopoly of Web access

2000 The U.S. Supreme Court found that the recount ordered
by the Florida Supreme Court in the 2000 U.S. Presidential
election was unconstitutional. U.S. Vice President Al Gore
conceded the election to Texas Gov. George W. Bush the next

2000 Timothy McVeigh, over the objections of his lawyers,
abandoned his final round of appeals and asked that his
execution be set within 120 days. McVeigh was convicted of
the April 1995 truck bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Fedal
Building in Oklahoma City, OK, that killed 168 and injured

2000 The Texas Rangers signed Alex Rodriguez to a record
breaking 10-year, $252 million contract. The contract amount
broke all major league baseball records and all professional
sports records. 

2001 Gerardo Hernandez was sentenced to life in prison for
being the leader of a Cuban spy ring. His conviction was
based on his role in the infiltration of U.S. military bases
and in the deaths of four Cuban-Americans whose planes were
shot down five years before. 

2001 In Beverly Hills, CA, actress Winona Ryder was arrested
at Saks Fifth Avenue for shoplifting and possessing
pharmaceutical drugs without a prescription. The numerous
items of clothing and hair accessories were valued at

2002 North Korea announced that it would reactivate a
nuclear power plant that U.S. officials believed was being
used to develop weapons.

2017  smiled.

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How to store SD cards 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, December 11

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
OK City car jacker pulled knife, gun,
got tenderized and sat upon till cops showed up
Today, December 11 in
1769 Edward Beran of London patented venetian blinds.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ People care more about being thought to have taste than about being thought either good, clever or amiable. --- Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts in his mouth. He Eats anything. But the day he swallowed a quarter, I panicked and called the vet. "What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone. My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again and a can of beer shoots out of his rear, give me a call." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE 1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 2. Bandage left thumb. 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 4. Bandage left foot. 5. Make pyramid structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 6. Light Match 7. Light Match 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled 'kerosene'. 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 14. Re-label can to read 'gasoline'. 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps. _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jordan Bond, 29 Oklahoma City, Oklahoma OK City car jacker pulled knife, gun, got tenderized and sat upon till cops showed up Brothers Juan and Justo Sop were getting home from work at 11 p.m. Sunday in Oklahoma City when an attempted carjacker tried to take their vehicle, the brothers told KFOR. But these brothers weren’t about to let the attempted carjacker make off with their vehicle, police said. Instead, the two brothers started to fight back — and when a third brother, Antonio, heard the commotion outside the house, he ran out to join the melee as well, police said. “We got him down on the ground, but he took out a knife,” Antonio Sop told KFOR. “Then we grabbed the knife, took it away from him.” It turned out a knife wasn’t all the carjacker had on him, though. “Then he had a gun, too,” Sop told the TV station. “He put two shots in the ground.” By the time police arrived at the scene, the suspect — Jordan Michael Bond, 29 — had been wrestled to the ground by the three men, Oklahoma City Police Department spokesman Gary Knight said in a statement. Even though the brothers were sitting on top of the suspect holding him down, the would-be carjacker was still holding onto his gun by the time police got there, Antonio Sop told KFOR. But police were able to kick the firearm out of his hand, KFOR reports. “He was taken into police custody at that time,” Knight said in a statement. Bond was then taken to the Oklahoma County Jail, police said. Booked at the jail early Monday morning, Bond now faces charges of possession of a firearm, robbery and three counts of shooting with intent to kill, according to Oklahoma County Jail records. Bond has previous felony convictions, records indicate. Bond for Bond has been set at $164,000, records said. Previously, Bond was arrested by Oklahoma City police in 2008 for driving under the influence, Knight said. Bond was also arrested earlier this year in Oklahoma City for possession of a controlled substance. In May, Bond was charged with trespassing in Kingfisher County, northwest of Oklahoma City, according to state court records. Oklahoma City police said they’re glad to get Bond off the street — but don’t usually recommend the kind of hands-on tactics the Sop brothers employed. In this case, though, police said they can’t deny the brothers succeeded. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Marlene Re: How to store SD cards Dear Webby, the way that I store my sd cards is in a baseball card album. the slots for cards is small enough to store the sd cards and also put a description in. They sell pages to go in a loose leaf binder. I suppose business card holders would work too but they would be a little smaller. I found binders and pages on amazon. Marlene Dear Marlene Great idea! Now, where do you buy those nowadays? Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order. When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed. Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two." At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five, and one for Bob recording from the next room."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Little Johnny was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. Little Johnny turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." His mother smiled reassuringly at Little Johnny. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." Little Johnny looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. Little Johnny thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Kitchen Time Saver - Sifting Ingredients If you don't have a fly sifter but a recipe calls for sifting ingredients, put the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir well with a whisk. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Puppy Size "Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer. "What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked. "Puppy size!" replied the mother. "Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration. Just then Danielle came walking into the office "Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?" The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Fortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said. Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said. Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added. Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!" "But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said. "No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!" The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom's eyes gathered tears. As she stooped down to hug the child. "Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Unraveling ropes into fractal like patterns.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." And at that point, the proctologist fainted. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 11, in 
1282 Llywelyn (Llewelyn ap Gruffydd) was killed in Cilmeri,
central Wales. 

1719 The first recorded sighting of the aurora borealis took
place in New England. 

1769 Edward Beran of London patented venetian blinds.

1792 France's King Louis XVI went before the Convention,
which had replaced the National Assembly, to face charges of
treason. He was convicted and condemned and was sent to the
guillotine the following January. 

1844 Dr. Horace Wells became the first person to have a
tooth extracted after receiving an anesthetic for the dental
procedure. Nitrous Oxide, or laughing gas, was the

1872 Pinckney Benton Stewart Pinchback became America's
first black governor when he took office as acting governor
of Louisiana. 

1882 Boston's Bijou Theater had its first performance. It
was the first American playhouse lit exclusively by

1894 The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine

1928 In Buenos Aires, police thwarted an attempt on the life
of President-elect Herbert Hoover. 

1930 The Bank of the United States in New York failed. 

1936 Britain's King Edward VIII abdicated in order to marry
American Wallis Warfield Simpson. He became the Duke of

1937 The Fascist Council in Rome, withdrew Italy from the
League of Nations. 

1941 Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.
The U.S in turn declared war on the two countries. 

1943 The City Center of Music and Drama was dedicated in New
York by Mayor Fiorello La Guardia. 

1946 The United Nations International Children's Emergency
Fund (UNICEF) was established by the U.N. General Assembly.
The fund provides relief to children in countries devastated
by war. 

1961 The first direct American military support for South
Vietnam occurred when a U.S. aircraft carrier carrying Army
helicopters arrived in Saigon. 

1967 The prototype of the Concorde was shown for the first
time in Toulouse, France. 

1973 West German Chancellor Willy Brandt and Czech Prime
Minister Lubomir Strougal formally nullified the 1938 Munich
pact when they signed a treaty sanctioning Hitler's seizure
of Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland. 

1980 U.S. President Jimmy Carter signed into law legislation
creating $1.6 billion environmental "superfund" that would
be used to pay for cleaning up chemical spills and toxic
waste dumps. 

1981 Muhammad Ali fought his last fight. He lost his 61st
fight to Trevor Berbick. 

1985 General Electric Company agreed to buy RCA Corporation
for $6.3 billion. Also included in the deal was NBC Radio
and Television. 

1986 The government of South Africa expanded its media
restrictions by imposing prior censorship and banning
coverage of a wide range of anti-apartheid protests. 

1987 Charlie Chaplin's trademark cane and bowler hat were
sold at Christie's for £82,500. 

1988 62 people were killed in a Mexico City marketplace when
tons of illegal fireworks exploded. 

1990 Ivana Trump was divorced from Donald Trump after 12
years of marriage. 

1991 Salman Rushdie, under an Islamic death sentence for
blasphemy, made his first public appearance since 1989 in
New York, at a dinner marking the 200th anniversary of the
First Amendment (which guarantees freedom of speech in the

1994 Thousands of Russian troops, armored columns and jets
entered Chechnya. The move by Moscow was an effort to
restore control the breakaway republic. 

1994 The world's largest free trade zone was created when
leaders of 34 Western Hemisphere nations signed a free-trade
declaration known as "The Miami Process." 

1996 In Crystal City, VA, "The Art of the Toy" opened. The
exhibit was at the Patent and Trademark Office Museum. 

1997 Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams became the first political
ally of the IRA to meet a British leader in 76 years. He
conferred with Prime Minister Tony Blair in London. 

1997 More than 270 Tutsi refugees from the Democratic
Republic of Congo were killed by Juto guerillas in Mudende,

1997 More than 150 countries agreed at a global warming
conference in Kyoto, Japan, to control the Earth's
"greenhouse gases." 

1998 Scientists announced that they had deciphered the
entire genetic blueprint of a tiny worm. 

1998 The Mars Climate Orbiter blasted off on a nine-month
journey to the Red Planet. However, the probe disappeared in
September of 1999, apparently destroyed because scientists
had failed to convert English measures to metric values. 

1998 Majority Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee
pushed through three articles of impeachment against U.S.
President Clinton. 

2000 Mario Lemeiux, owner of Pittsburgh Penquins, announced
that he would end his three-plus year retirement and become
an active National Hockey League (NHL) player again. When
Lemieux returned officially he became the first owner/player
in NHL history. 

2001 U.S. Attorney General Ashcroft announced the first
federal indictment directly related to the terrorist attacks
on the United States on September 11, 2001. Zacarias
Moussaoui was charged with six conspiracy charges. Moussaoui
was in custody at the time of the attacks. 

2001 Ted Turner purchased 12,000 acres in Nebraska for Bison

2001 It was announced that U.S. President George W. Bush
would withdraw the U.S. from the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile
Treaty with Russia. 

2001 Federal agents seized computers in 27 U.S. cities as
part of "Operation Buccaneer." The raids were used to gain
evidence against an international software piracy ring. 

2009 The game Angry Birds was released. 

2013 Standard & Poors announced that Facebook would join its
S&P 500 index "after the close of trading on December 20." 

2017  smiled.

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SD cards for back-up 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, December 10

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida Man Accused of Posing as Uber Driver 
and Holding Women in South Carolina Arrested
Today, December 10 in
1520 Martin Luther publicly burned the papal edict. The
papacy demanded that he recant or face excommunication.
Luther refused and was formally expelled from the church in
January 1521. 

1845 British civil engineer Robert Thompson patented the
first pneumatic tires. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. --- Elvis Presley (1935 - 1977) The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. --- Niels Bohr (1885 - 1962) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No sir," one student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it would, you would have asked for MY coin!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that didn't stop him from treatin' Slash special from time to time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf. The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?" Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow." The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair." "Don't matter," said Slash, "if this meatloaf can't kill me, nothin' can." ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ From Vic While working in a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, I sustained a small injury to my eye from some flying debris around a construction site. It was giving me some trouble, so I visited an ophthalmologist in the local neighborhood. The doctor pointed to the eye chart, displaying the letters 'CVKPNWXSCZ'. "Can you read that?" the doc asked. "Can I read it?" I replied. "Yes, sure. I think I dated her sister!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Farris Kaloti, 28, Pinecrest, Florida Florida Man Accused of Posing as Uber Driver and Holding Women in South Carolina Arrested A South Florida man who is accused of assaulting women while posing as an Uber driver near the University of South Carolina has been arrested, authorities said. Farris Kaloti, 28, was taken into custody Thursday, Pinecrest Police said. Police at the University of South Carolina say Kaloti had been on and around campus offering rides to female students. Once they were in his car he would take them somewhere other than their desired destination and would refuse to let them out of the car, police said. After seeing reports about Kaloti, a Pinecrest detective who regularly visits Wholefoods recognized Kaloti as a frequent customer, and a Wholefoods customer reported seeing him in the store. Police set up surveillance and took him into custody. Kaloti is not known to have committed a crime in Pinecrest. Officials said they have been in contact with police in South Carolina. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Merv Re: SD for backups Dear Webby, In regards to CDs for backup, I've found some of my CDs, such as, well especially Kodak eventually get holes in them. If you hold them up to a light source the holes are evident. All my backups are done on flash-drives or external hard- drive media. Even SD cards are more reliable than CDs. I think due to my experience with CDs I wouldn't trust them with any important storage at all. Kind regards, Merv Australia Dear Merv I agree with you 100%. That is why I don't recommend CDs for backups. Commercial music CDs MIGHT last longer, because they are not burned but punched. I also agree that SD cards are much more reliable. The only part about them, that I don't like, are their small size and tendency to get lost. Some day I will have to get organized and devise a permanent way to store them. Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe every time I have to take the garbage out to the curb or check my mail!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow up yer foo.. damn candle." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Kitchen Time Saver - Squeeze Bottles Squeeze bottles like the ones restaurants often use for ketchup and mustard can be great for condiments in your kitchen. If you make your own salad dressing or buy it bulk, you can transfer the dressing to squeeze bottles for easy use. Squeeze bottles also work well for mayonnaise, jelly and many other condiments that usually come in jars. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Jim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permis- sion to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there."
Amazing hand cut paper animals.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 10, in 
1520 Martin Luther publicly burned the papal edict. The
papacy demanded that he recant or face excommunication.
Luther refused and was formally expelled from the church in
January 1521. 

1845 British civil engineer Robert Thompson patented the
first pneumatic tires. 

1869 Women were granted the right to vote in the Wyoming

1898 A treaty was signed in Paris that officially ended the
Spanish-American War. Also, Cuba became independent of

1901 The first Nobel prizes were awarded. 

1906 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt became the first
American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for helping
mediate an end to the Russo-Japanese War. 

1939 The National Football League's attendance exeeded 1
million in a season for the first time. 

1941 Japan invaded the Philippines. 

1941 The Royal Naval battleships Prince of Wales and Repulse
were sunk by Japanese aircraft in the Battle of Malaya. 

1948 The United Nations General Assembly adopted its
Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 

1950 Dr. Ralph J. Bunche was presented the Nobel Peace
Prize. He was the first African-American to receive the
award. Bunche was awarded the prize for his efforts in
mediation between Israel and neighboring Arab states. 

1953 Hugh Hefner published the first "Playboy" magazine with
an investment of $7,600. 

1958 The first domestic passenger jet flight took place in
the U.S. when 111 passengers flew from New York to Miami on
a National Airlines Boeing 707. 

1964 In Oslo, Norway, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. received
the Nobel Peace Prize. He was the youngest person to receive
the award. 

1982 The Law of the Sea Convention was signed by 118
countries in Montego Bay, Jamaica. 23 nations and the U.S.
were excluded. 

1983 Raul Alfonsin was inaugurated as Argentina's first
civilian president after nearly eight years of military

1984 South African Bishop Desmond Tutu received the Nobel
Peace Prize. 

1990 The U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved Norplant,
a long-acting contraceptive implant. 

1991 The play Revival "The Crucible" opened. 

1992 Oregon Senator Bob Packwood apologized for what he
called "unwelcome and offensive" actions toward women.
However, he refused to resign. 

1993 The crew of the space shuttle Endeavor deployed the
repaired Hubble Space Telescope into Earth's orbit. 

1994 Advertising executive Thomas Mosser of North Caldwell,
NJ, was killed by a mail bomb that was blamed on the

1994 Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin received
the Nobel Peace Prize. They pledged to pursue their mission
of healing the Middle East. 

1995 The first U.S. Marines arrived in the Bosnian capital
of Sarajevo to join NATO soldiers sent to enforce peace in
the former Yugoslavia. 

1996 South Africa's President Mandela signed into law a new
democratic constitution, completing the country's transition
from white-minority rule to black democracy. 

1998 Six astronauts opened the doors to the new
international space station 250 miles above the Earth's

1998 The Palestinian leadership scrapped constitutional
clauses that rejected Israel's existence. 

1999 After three years under suspicion of being a spy for
China, computer scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested. He was
charged with removing secrets from the Los Alamos weapons
lab. Lee later pled guilty to one count of downloading
restricted data to tape and was freed. The other 58 counts
were dropped. 

2003 The U.S. barred firms based in certain countries,
opponents of the Iraq war, from bidding on Iraqi
reconstruction projects. The ban did not prevent companies
from winning subcontracts. 

2007 Cristina Fernandez was sworn in as Argentina's first
elected female president. 

2017  smiled.

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How safe are CDs for back-upÉ 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, December 9

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Smart-ass drunk hit-and-run driver does 
doughnuts past deputies. Briefly.
Today, December 9 in
1917 Turkish troops surrendered Jerusalem to British troops
led by Viscount Allenby.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --- Tom Lehrer (1928 - ) Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. --- Franklin P. Jones Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. --- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet." ------------------- How to intimidate the poor guy, and guarantee that there won't be another invitation! ______________________________________________________ ____________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Morris went to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?" Morris replies, "How 'bout three months from now?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Scott Rapson, 21, Palmetto, Florida Smart-ass drunk hit-and-run driver does doughnuts past deputies. Briefly. A drunken driver was arrested after fleeing the scene of a crash, then doing “doughnuts” in the road past deputies, the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office said. According to the Sheriff’s Office, Scott Rapson, 21, of Palmetto fled the scene of a crash on State Road 62 on Tuesday night following a domestic incident. When deputies arrived in the 31000 block of S.R. 62, they found Rapson driving his vehicle in circles, or “doughnuts,” in the roadway. Rapson raced back and forth past deputies and made it clear he was not going to stop. A pursuit ensued and Rapson hit three sets of stop sticks, which punctured his tires, before the vehicle stopped in a grassy ditch area. Rapson was arrested and no injuries were reported. Rapson had a blood alcohol level of 0.1 percent. A driver is considered intoxicated in Florida with a level of 0.08 percent or higher. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Clint Re: How safe are CDs for back-up Dear Webby, How safe are CD's to use for back-ups? Clint Dear Clint That all depends,... If you can read them on a different machine, and see each folder and all the files, then they are quite reliable. However, if you do not check them, then that is a virtual guarantee that at least part of it won't be readable Have FUN! DearWebby

Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was. Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked. "Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Dave for this story: One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us. "Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought. Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Kitchen Time Saver Cook Two Casseroles Kitchen Time Saver - Serving Ice Cream at Parties If you are serving cake or pie with ice cream, save time by preparing the ice cream scoops before the party. Just scoop ice cream into large muffin tins with cupcake liners. Then cover them plastic wrap to prevent freezer burn and put them in the freezer until needed. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ This allegedly true story provides an amusing example of lateral thinking and initiative, and staff training (or lack of) at the workplace. While transporting some unfortunate mental patients from one secure place to another, the newly appointed bus driver stopped at a roadside restaurant for natural break. On his return to the bus, all twenty patients were gone. Being a resourceful fellow and fearing the consequences of his negligence, he drove to the next bus stop, where he claimed to be a replacement for the usual service. Allowing twenty people aboard, the driver made straight for his destination, where he warned staff at the gates that the 'patients' were deluded and extremely volatile. The angry 'patients' were duly removed, sedated and incarcerated, and remained in detention for three days, until staff were able to check the records and confirm their true identities. The actual patients were never found.
Wish I owned one of these beautiful jewel encrusted books!
In an interview this week Paris Hilton said she never discussed sex with her parents. She said she was too shy to ask them about it. In fact, everything she knows about sex she learned from watching her own videos. --- Jay Leno ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 9, in 
1625 The Treaty of the Hague was signed by England and the
Netherlands. The agreement was to subsidize Christian IV of
Denmark in his campaign in Germany. 

1793 "The American Minerva" was published for the first
time. It was the first daily newspaper in New York City and
was founded by Noah Webster. 

1854 Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem, "The Charge of the Light
Brigade," was published in England. 

1879 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Ore Milling Company.

1884 Levant M. Richardson received a patent for the ball-
bearing roller skate. 

1892 In London, "Widowers' Houses," George Bernard Shaw's
first play, opened at the Royalty Theater. 

1907 Christmas Seals went on sale for the first time, in the
Wilmington, DE, post office. 

1926 The United States Golf Association legalized the use of
steel-shafted golf clubs. 

1914 The Edison Phonograph Works was destroyed by fire. 

1917 Turkish troops surrendered Jerusalem to British troops
led by Viscount Allenby. 

1940 During World War II, British troops opened their first
major offensive in North Africa. 

1940 The Longines Watch Company signed for the first FM
radio advertising contract with experimental station W2XOR
in New York City. 

1941 China declared war on Japan, Germany and Italy. 

1955 Sugar Ray Robinson knocked out Carl Olson and regained
his world middleweight boxing title. 

1958 In Indianapolis, IN, Robert H.W. Welch Jr. and 11 other
men met to form the anti-Communist John Birch Society. 

1960 Sperry Rand Corporation unveiled a new computer known
as "Univac 1107." 

1960 The first episode of "Coronation Street" was screened
on ITV. 

1962 "Lawrence of Arabia" by David Lean had its world
premiere in London. 

1965 Nikolai V. Podgorny replaced Anastas I. Mikoyan as
president of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet. 

1975 U.S. President Gerald R. Ford signed a $2.3 billion
seasonal loan authorization to prevent New York City from
having to default. 

1978 The first game of the Women's Pro Basketball League
(WBL) was played between the Chicago Hustle and the
Milwaukee Does. 

1983 NATO foreign ministers called on the Soviet Union to
join in a "comprehensive political dialogue" to ease
tensions in the world. 

1985 In Argentina, five former military junta members
received sentences in prison for their roles in the "dirty
war" in which nearly 9,000 people had "disappeared." 

1987 West Bank Palestinians launched an intifada (uprising)
against Israeli occupation. 

1987 In the Gaza Strip, an Israeli patrol attacked the
Jabliya refugee camp. 

1990 Lech Walesa won Poland's first direct presidential
election in the country's history. 

1990 Slobodan Milosovic was elected president in Serbia's
first free elections in 50 years. 

1990 The first American hostages to be released by Iran
began arriving in the U.S. 

1991 European Community leaders agreed to begin using a
single currency in 1999. 

1992 Britain's Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced
their separation. 

1992 Clair George, former CIA spy chief, was convicted of
lying to the U.S. Congress about the Iran-Contra affair.
U.S. President George H.W. Bush later pardoned George. 

1992 U.S. troops arrived in Mogadishu, Somalia, to oversee
delivery of international food aid, in operation 'Restore

1993 The U.S. Air Force destroyed the first of 500 Minuteman
II missile silos that were marked for elimination under an
arms control treaty. 

1993 Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Endeavor completed
repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope. 

1993 At Princeton University in New Jersey, scientists
produced a controlled fusion reaction equivalent to 3
million watts. 

1994 Representatives of the Irish Republican Army and the
British government opened peace talks in Northern Ireland. 

1996 UN Secretary General Boutros-Ghali approved a deal
allowing Iraq to resume its exports of oil and easing the UN
trade embargo imposed on Iraq in 1990. 

1999 The U.S. announced that it was expelling a Russian
diplomat who had been caught gathering information with an
eavesdropping device at the U.S. State Department. 

2002 United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after
losing $4 billion in the previous two years. It was the
sixth largest bankruptcy filing. 

2003 In Australia, thieves broke into a home and stole two
300-year-old etchings by Rembrandt. The 4-by-4-inch
etchings, a self-portait and a depiction of the artist's
mother, were valued around $518,000. 

2017  smiled.

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Shaky tripod 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, December 8
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
DUI driver danced on car, fled on kid's scooter,
got caught anyway.
Today, December 8 in
1854 Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate
Conception. His theory holds that Mary, mother of Jesus, was
free of original sin from the moment she was conceived.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. --- Alfred E. Newman The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. --- Art Spander ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her. "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty?" she asked. "I'm looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish." He replied. "Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won't like that dish." Helen said. "What do you know," answered Marty, "I'm getting it." "Marty, I'm telling' you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won't like it!" Helen exclaimed. "I'm getting it and that is the last word!" says Marty. A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Mrs. McDougal was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. McDougal. _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sabra Bewley, 27, Sparks, Nevada DUI driver danced on car, fled on kid's scooter, got caught anyway. Police say a Nevada woman was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving after she drove down a highway the wrong way, danced atop her SUV and attempted to flee from officers on a kid's scooter. Police in the city of Sparks answered a call Saturday for a wrong-way driver and found 27-year-old Sabra Bewley's Jeep Cherokee some 20 yards up a hill off a highway. Officers said Bewley was acting erratically and dancing on top of the Cherokee before attempting to get away on a kid's scooter. Police detained Bewley and took her to a hospital before she was booked into the Washoe County jail. She was arrested on suspicion of possession of a controlled substance, trafficking MDMA, destruction of property and resisting arrest. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Yara Re: Shaky tripod Dear Webby, I have to use a tripod to take pictures at work for maintenance planning. Flash is useless when distance is involved and the lighting requires long exposures. Combined with slightly vibrating floors and a shaky, well worn tripod, the pictures turn out crappy. Is there a fix fo that? Yara Dear Yara A modern camera with digital anti-shake technology takes care of that without any tripod at all. However, if that is not in the budget, use big gobs of two component rubber, like they use for patching conveyor belts, or lots of half chewed chewing gum, and attach tennis balls to the feet of the tripod. Dont poke holes into the balls! Attach the legs to the outside of not punctured balls! Then use a piece of coathanger wire to hang a metal weight off the wing-bolt or star wheel that is used to attach the camera. Do NOT use stretchable string or soft weights. Only a solid metal-to-metal connection lets you take advantage of the inertia of the mass in the weight, and forces the tennis balls to absorb any vibration. If you used a bungee cord and a sand bag, the sandbag would be perfectly still, but the camera would still vibrate. A hanging weight is not perfect, but it will cause a remarkable improvement. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Reading on Vacation "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Kitchen Time Saver - Cook Two Casseroles When making a casserole, double the ingredients and make two. Cook one and store the other in the freezer. Cover the casserole in plastic wrap and then aluminum foil before freezing. Use a marker to write the date on the foil. You can re-use the foil to cover the casserole when cooking it. Casseroles can be frozen for 3 months. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young lady and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
I could stay in this tree house room for a while, it's lovely.
An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really had to go, after all those pints of Guinnesss. He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem. As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He led him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate which he opened. "In there," pointed the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere you want." The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen -- manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he zipped down and unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobbie, "That was really decent of you .... is that "British Hospitality?". "No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 8, in 
1776 George Washington's retreating army in the American
Revolution crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey to

1854 Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate
Conception. His theory holds that Mary, mother of Jesus, was
free of original sin from the moment she was conceived. 

1863 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln announced his plan for
the Reconstruction of the South. 

1863 Tom King of England defeated American John Heenan and
became the first world heavyweight champion. 

1886 At a convention of union leaders in Columbus, OH, the
American Federation of Labor was founded. 

1941 The United States entered World War II when it declared
war against Japan. The act came one day after the Japanese
attacked Pearl Harbor. Canada declared war on Japan a day

1949 The Chinese Nationalist government moved from the
Chinese mainland to Formosa due to Communists pressure. 

1952 On the show "I Love Lucy," a pregnancy was acknowledged
in a TV show for the first time. 

1953 Los Angeles became the third largest city in the United

1962 Workers of the International Typographical Union began
striking and closed nine New York City newspapers. The
strike lasted 114 days and ended April 1, 1963. 

1980 Zimbabwe's manpower minister, Edgar Tekere, was found
guilty in the killing of a white farmer. He was freed under
a law that protected ministers acting to suppress terrorism.

1982 Norman D. Mayer demanding an end to nuclear weapons
held the Washington Monument hostage. He threatened to blow
it up with explosives he claimed were inside a van. 10 hours
later he was shot to death by police. 

1984 In Roanoke, Virginia, a jury found Hustler magazine
publisher Larry Flynt innocent of libeling Reverend Jerry
Falwell with a parody advertisement. However Falwell was
awarded $200,000 for emotional distress. 

1987 U.S. President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S.
Gorbachev signed a treaty agreeing to destroy their nations'
arsenals of intermediate-range nuclear missiles. 

1987 The "intefadeh" (Arabic for uprising) by Palestinians
in the Israeli-occupied territories began. 

1989 Communist leaders in Czechoslovakia offered to
surrender their control over the government and accept a
minority role in a coalition Cabinet. 

1991 Russia, Byelorussia and Ukraine declared the Soviet
national government to be dead. They forged a new alliance
to be known as the Commonwealth of Independent States. The
act was denounced by Russian President Gorbachev as

1992 Americans got to see live television coverage of U.S.
troops landing on the beaches of Somalia during Operation
Restore Hope. (Due to the time difference, it was December 9
in Somalia.) 

1993 U.S. President Clinton signed into law the North
American Free Trade Agreement. 

1994 Bosnian Serbs released dozens of hostage peacekeepers,
but continued to detain about 300 others. 

1994 In Los Angeles, 12 alternate jurors were chosen for the
O.J. Simpson murder trial. 

1997 The second largest bank was created with the
announcement that Union Bank Switzerland and the Swiss Bank
Corporation would merge. The combined assets were more than
$590 billion. 

1997 Jenny Shipley was sworn in as the first female prime
minister of New Zealand. 

1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police could not
search a person or their cars after ticketing for a routine
traffic violation.

1998 The FBI opened its files on Frank Sinatra to the
public. The file contained over 1,300 pages. 

1998 Nkem Chukwu and Iyke Louis Udobi's first of eight
babies was born. The other seven were delivered 12 days

1998 AT&T Corp. announced that it was buying IBM's data
networking business for $5 billion cash. 

1998 The first female ice hockey game in Olympic history was
played. Finland beat Sweden 6-0. 

1999 In Memphis, TN, a jury found that Rev. Martin Luther
King Jr. had been the victim of a vast murder conspiracy,
not a lone assassin. 

1999 Russia and Belarus agreed in principle to form an
economic and political confederation. 

2000 Mario Lemieux announced to the Pittsburgh Penguins that
he planned to return to the National Hockey League (NHL) as
a player at age 35. He would be the first modern owner-
player in U.S. pro sports. 

2017  smiled.

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Adding an external drive 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, December 7

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Inmate with skull-face tattoo escaped 
California work crew
Today, December 7 in
1926 The gas operated refrigerator was patented by The
Electrolux Servel Corporation. Many of them still work
today! Their only moving part is the door.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. --- Paul Beatty ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," said the Irishman. "Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. " _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ From Beat Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight. The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Thanks to Bill for this story: Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him. "I don't have a tape measure." "You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long." "Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Corey Hughes, 27 Stockton, California Inmate with skull-face tattoo escaped California work crew California authorities launched a dragnet Monday for an inmate with a distinctive skull-face tattoo who vanished from a work crew. Corey Hughes, 27, was reported missing about 1:30 p.m. Monday and was last seen on Interstate 5, the San Joaquin County Sheriff’s office said. His mugshot showed he had a skull tattoo on his face. Hughes was serving a sentence for a weapons charge and was being housed in the Honor Farm. He was expected to be released next February. The Honor Farm, located south of Stockton, is a minimum- security facility that houses pretrial or sentence inmates that are usually low-risk and classified as non-violent, KCBS reported. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Fran Re: Portable Hard Drive Dear Webby, How difficult is it to connect a portable hard drive to a computer? And how do you do it? Fran Dear Fran Not difficult at all. You plug it into a USB port, Windows recognizes it as a new device the first time you do it. If necessary Windows offers to install a driver for it. After that, it simply shows as an additional hard drive. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Grampa's Wisdom - Don't name a pig you plan to eat - Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong. - Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. - Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. - Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt. - A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. - Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. - Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. - Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. - Meanness don't happen overnight. - To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. - Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful. - Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. - Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. - Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat. - You can't unsay a cruel thing. - Don't corner something meaner than you. - Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. - It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. - Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. - Every path has some puddles. - When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. - The best sermons are lived, not preached. - Most of the stuff people worry about happening, don't. - Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Kitchen Time Saver - Juice Concentrate Use a potato masher to break up frozen juice concentrate. It will dissolve much faster when broken up. You can also put the juice concentrate along with the required water into a blender to quickly mix it together. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young lady and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
Where to hide from zombies..
Daffinitions: Some wacky definitions. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver. OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings for half an hour. BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority have no idea what's happened. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 7, in 
1431 In Paris, Henry VI of England was crowned King of

1732 The original Covent Garden Theatre Royal (now the Royal
Opera House) was opened. 

1787 Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S.
constitution becoming the first of the United States. 

1889 The first of 554 performances of "The Gondoliers" took

1925 Swimmer Johnny Weissmuller set a world record in the
150-yard freestyle with a time of 1 minute, 25 and 2/5
seconds. He went on to play "Tarzan" in several movies. 

1926 The gas operated refrigerator was patented by The
Electrolux Servel Corporation. Many of them still work
today! Their only moving part is the door.

1941 Pearl Harbor, located on the Hawaiian island of Oahu
was attacked by nearly 200 Japanese warplanes. The attack
resulted in Canada declaring war on Japan, followed a day
later by the U.S. also entering into World War II. 

1946 A fire at the Winecoff Hotel in Atlanta killed 119
people. It was America's worst hotel fire disaster. The
hotel founder, W. Frank Winecoff, was also killed in the

1971 Libya announced the nationalization of British
Petroleum's assets. 

1972 Apollo 17 was launched at Cape Canaveral. It was the
last U.S. moon mission. 

1972 Imelda Marcos, wife of Philippine President Ferdinand
E. Marcos, was stabbed and seriously wounded by an
assailant. The man was then shot and killed by her

1974 President Makarios returned to Cyprus after five months
in exile. 

1980 General Antonio Ramlho Eanes was reelected president of
Portugal. His right-wing opposition was thrown into disarray
by the death of Premier Francisco Sa Carneiro in a plane

1982 Charlie Brooks Junior, a convicted murderer, became the
first prisoner in the U.S. to be executed by injection, at a
prison in Huntsville, TX. 

1983 Madrid, Spain, an Aviaco DC-9 collided on a runway with
an Iberia Air Lines Boeing 727 that was accelerating for
takeoff. The collision resulted in the death of all 42
people aboard the DC-9 and 51 on the Iberia jet. 

1987 Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev set foot on American
soil for the first time. He had come to the U.S. for a
Washington summit with U.S. President Reagan. 

1987 43 people were killed when a gunman opened fire on a
fellow passenger and the two pilots aboard a Pacific
Southwest Airlines jetliner. 

1988 An estimated 25,000 people were killed when a major
earthquake hit northern Armenia in the Soviet Union. The
quake measured 6.9 on the Richter Scale. 

1988 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev announced the
reduction of the number of Soviet military troops by half a

1989 East Germany's Communist Party agreed to cooperate with
the plan for free elections and a revised constitution. 

1992 The U.S. Supreme Court rejected a Mississippi abortion
law which required women to get counseling and then wait 24
hours before terminating their pregnancies. 

1993 Six people were killed and 17 were injured when a
gunman opened fire on a Long Island Rail Road commuter

1993 Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary revealed that the U.S.
government had conducted more than 200 nuclear weapons tests
in secret at its Nevada test site. 

1993 Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders suggested that the U.S.
government study the impact of drug legalization. 

1995 A probe sent from the Galileo spacecraft entered into
Jupiter's atmosphere. The probe sent back data to the
mothership before it was eaten or otherwise destroyed. 

1996 The space shuttle Columbia returned from the longest-
ever shuttle flight of 17 days, 15 hours and 54 minutes. 

1998 The U.N. evacuated 14 peacekeepers that were trapped by
fighting between army and rebel forces in central Angola. 

1998 U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno declined to seek an
independent counsel investigation of President Clinton over
1996 campaign financing. 

1999 A U.S. federal grand jury indicted a former convict in
the 1995 disappearance of atheist leader Madalyn Murray

2002 In Amsterdam, Netherlands, two Van Gogh paintings were
stolen from the Van Gogh Museum. The two works were "View of
the Sea st Scheveningen" and "Congregation Leaving the
Reformed Church in Nuenen." On July 26, 2004, two men were
convicted for the crime and were sentenced to at least four
years in prison each. 

2002 In Mymensingh, Bangladesh, four movie theaters were
bombed within 30 minutes of each other. At least 15 people
were killed and over 200 were injured. 

2017  smiled.

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How to get rid of system messages balloons 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, December 6

In Austria, where I grew up, December 6 was Saint Nicholas
day. On the eve of that day, Santas, accompanied by devils,
roamed the towns and villages. They visited houses, where
they had been booked, picked up a pillow bag outside the
door and "The List". The devil, often with a leg chained and
the chain held by Saint Nicholas, shouldered the bag, and
Saint Nicholas stuck "The List" into his book.

Then the devil started howling and screaming and pounding on
the door and dancing around.

Once they were let inside, Saint Nicholas slapped the devil
and made him stand still and be quiet.
Then he opened his book, slowly and dramatically, read a
name, and the sins of that kid.

In some houses, Mom had put dad onto the list too!

After the sins had been read, with much glaring by Saint
Nicholas, and much impatient jerking on the chain by the
devil and his willow switches whip,
Saint Nicholas got to the good part, where he praised each
kid for the few good things they had done that year.

Then he reached into the pillow bag and hauled out a smaller
bag for each kid.
That usually had a small orange, which was a VERY rare treat
in post war Austria, a few postage stamp size chocolates,
and home made gingerbread.

While the kids breathlessly oohed and aahed over their haul,
Santa and the devil quietly exited, got their payment and a
shot of moonshine against the cold outside, and vanished in
the snow flurries outside.

In those days it was quite common that when Santas and
devils met other teams, a ferocious battle ensued, often
leaving all participants bloodied. Those chains were

Good old days!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Escort jailed for lying that she’d been raped 
by detective, destroying his life
Today, December 6 in
1774 Austria became the first nation to introduce a state
education system. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A man's silence is wonderful to listen to. --- Thomas Hardy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realised the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar!" A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?" The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "I should warn you. . .you may not want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I speak from personal experience," the expert explained. "For years, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "So finally one day I made a suggestion: 'Hon,' I said, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back persisted, "And didn't that save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX". He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three XXX's..." Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so rich, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Halina Khan, 40, Escort, Salford, Greater Manchester England Escort jailed for lying that she’d been raped by detective, destroying his life Escort Halina Khan has been jailed for two years and three months for lying that she’d been raped by a detective Halina Khan lied that she had been sexually assaulted by the Leicestershire police officer despite never having met him. He was subjected to a humiliating and unnecessary investigation that went on for five weeks before the 40- year-old’s web of lies collapsed around her. Khan has now been jailed for two years and three months after admitting to trying to pervert the course of justice. Her victim was at home with his wife and son when his colleagues turned up at his home to say there had been a complaint made against him. He then had to give samples for analysis and was interviewed by police officers outside his police area. What followed caused an immense strain on his marriage and he ended up taking six months off work with depression and anxiety. He said he was ‘completely stunned’ by the allegations and said that his world ‘fell apart’. The victim has now returned to work but he says it has affected his relationship with his employers. He said: ‘I can’t explain why it affected me as it did. If I hadn’t been able to prove my innocence, I’d have lost my liberty.’ Khan, from Salford, Greater Manchester, accused the detective during a police investigation into an alleged car theft. She said that her ex had taken her vehicle from the Regency Hotel in Leicester. But when police arrived she changed her story saying that she was an escort and a client had taken the car. She pointed to a red mark on the floor, implying that the person had been hurt. As a result Khan was arrested on suspicion of causing injury. She threw racist abuse at one of the police officers and shouted that she had been raped by the detective the previous night at the hotel. She used his name, despite never having met him, because he had previously been involved in an investigation into her second ex-husband in 2011. Khan later said at the police station: ‘I made it up, there, I made it up.’ However she refused to make a statement or sign an officer’s notebook confirming that her claim was true so the force had no alternative but to investigate her claim. She changed her story again, denying that she had made up a rape allegation, adding that she was being sarcastic. Judge Mrs Justice Cheema-Grubb described it as ‘a wicked crime’ which had serious consequences for the victim and his family. She added that false claims like this affect public confidence. She said: ‘I’m told you’re remorseful, although there’s no evidence of that other than your guilty pleas.’ She added: ‘Rape is a profoundly hideous crime which all should find repulsive.’ The court heard that Khan had two previous convictions for incidents of racially abusing police officers. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: George Re: Cartoon Balloons Dear Webby, My son has a problem with Sticky Keys! What is the best way to get rid of Sticky Keys? And lock them out? Also, I keep getting Cartoon Balloons telling me stuff that I really don't care about! They pop-up whenever I reboot or even just shutting the laptop and reopening it! How do I get them to stop? George Dear George Hitting the SHIFT key five times turns the Sticky-Keys off or on. The system messages that pop up to tell you when you connect or fall off the net or when a new device like a camera is plugged in, or whatever, are usually quite handy. However, if you do need to turn them off, Microsoft explains how to do it on this page: enable-disable-message-balloons.html It`s easy, just a bit tedious. Have FUN! DearWebby
A few years ago, a dietitian addressed a large audience in Chicago and said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Junk food can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
>From Ida One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Food Fixes - Crumbly Brownies? If your brownies are having a hard time holding together or you have a healthy amount of crumbs leftover in the pan, save them to use as an ice cream toping. The crumbs also make a tasty layer in an ice cream cake. Put them in the freezer until you are ready to use them. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
These are America’s 10 most dangerous highways, and I've been on two or three of them!
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order." Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Reload and keep running." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 6, in 
1774 Austria became the first nation to introduce a state
education system. 

1865 The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was
ratified. The amendment abolished slavery in the U.S. 

1877 Thomas Edison demonstrated the first gramophone, with a
recording of himself reciting Mary Had a Little Lamb. 

1884 The construction of the Washington Monument was
completed by Army engineers. The project took 34 years. 

1889 Jefferson Davis died in New Orleans. He was the first
and only president of the Confederate States of America. 

1907 In Monongah, WV, 361 people were killed in America's
worst mine disaster. 

1917 More than 1,600 people died when two munitions ships
collided in the harbor at Halifax, Nova Scotia. 

1917 Finland proclaimed independence from Russia. 

1921 The Catholic Irish Free State was created as a self-
governing dominion of Britain when an Anglo-Irish treaty was

1923 U.S. President Calvin Coolidge became the first
president to give a presidential address that was broadcast
on radio. 

1926 In Italy, Benito Mussolini introduced a tax on

1947 Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by
U.S. President Truman. 

1957 AFL-CIO members voted to expel the International
Brotherhood of Teamsters. The Teamsters were readmitted in

1957 America's first attempt at putting a satellite into
orbit failed when the satellite blew up on the launch pad at
Cape Canaveral, FL. 

1973 Gerald R. Ford was sworn in as the vice-president of
the United States after vice-president Spiro Agnew resigned.

1982 11 soldiers and 6 civilians were killed when a bomb
exploded in a pub in Ballykelly, Northern Ireland. The Irish
National Liberation Army was responsible for planting the

1983 In Jerusalem, a bomb planted on a bus exploded killing
six Israelis and wounding 44. 

1985 Congressional negotiators reached an agreement on a
deficit-cutting proposal that later became the Gramm-Rudman-
Hollings law. 

1989 The worst mass shooting in Canadian history occurred
when a man gunned down 14 women at the University of
Montreal's school of engineering. The man then killed

1989 Egon Krenz resigned as leader of East Germany. 

1990 Iraq announced that it would release all its 2,000
foreign hostages. 

1990 U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle was enshrined in the
Little League Museum's Hall of Excellence. 

1992 Germany's primary political parties agreed to tighten
postwar asylum laws. 

1992 In India, thousands of Hindu extremists destroyed a
mosque. The following two months of Hindu-Muslim rioting
resulted in at least 2,000 people being killed. 

1993 Former priest James R. Porter was sentenced to 18 to 20
years in prison. Porter had admitted molesting 28 children
in the 1960s. 

1994 Orange County, CA, filed for bankruptcy protection due
to investment losses of about $2 billion. The county is one
of the richest in the U.S. and became the largest
municipality to file for bankruptcy. 

1997 A Russian Antonov 124 military transport crashed into a
residential area in Irkutsk, Russia, shortly after takeoff.
70 people were killed. 

1998 In Venezuela, former Lieutenant Colonel Hugo Chavez was
elected president. He had staged a bloody coup attempt
against the government six years earlier. 

1998 Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Endeavour connected
the first two building blocks of the international space
station in the shuttle cargo bay. 

2002 Winona Ryder was sentenced to 36 months of probation
and 480 hours of community service stemming from her
conviction for shoplifting from Saks Fifth Avenue. She was
also ordered to pay $10,000 in fines and restitution. 

2002 Officials released the detailed plans for a $4.7
million memorial commemorating Princess Diana. The large
oval fountain was planned to be constructed in London's Hyde
2017  smiled.

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Has PayPal gone bad? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, December 5

Thank you, Ken!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
$340,000 Ferrari left to be serviced in Florida. 
It got stolen and trashed instead.
Today, December 5 in
1791 Composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died in Vienna, Austria, at the age of 35. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. --- George Eliot (1819 - 1880) "My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?'" ---Adam Sandler ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying. The mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Aw, Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Anni and Wendy rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. On this particular day they caught over 50 fish. Anni turned to Wendy said, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Anni said, "You did you mark the spot, right?" Wendy replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat." Anni said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Israel Perez Rangel, 38, Newport Beach, Floriduh $340,000 Ferrari left to be serviced. It got stolen and wrecked instead. Eadweard York wasn’t exactly happy with the customer service at Ferrari & Maserati of Newport Beach when he went to pick up his girlfriend’s car last month. The car – a $340,000 Ferrari 458 Spider – was missing. It had actually been stolen. Security footage showed a man wearing a Ferrari jacket walking around the service center, looking in a few car windows before driving off in the Ferrari. A worker had left the key on the passenger seat, according to the Los Angeles Times. It was 27 hours before anyone noticed the car was missing. Two weeks later, the car was found at a gas station in Santa Ana. The man driving the car – identified as Israel Perez Rangel – was begging for gas money and ran from police, according to the Times. Posting on Instagram, York said the car had been driven 1,400 miles over the 14 days. He also posted pictures and a list of damages that included: a broken paddle shifter, destroyed gear box and cracked fins. The dashboard was chopped up and all the rubber had been burned off the tires, he wrote. The thief left drug remnants and had puked in the car. In all, the damages were estimated at $50,000. York’s girlfriend, Susan Friedman, purchased the car last year and planned to give the car to her son as a family heirloom, NBC 4 said. She received a check from the insurance company for the depreciated value of the vehicle. The service center did offer to try to find a similar used car “at their cost,” York wrote in a second post on Instragram that was dismissive of the offer. Each of the cars is a “one-off,” he said. But Friedman has already used the insurance money for a new car, according to the Times. She now has a 2018 Lamborghini Huracán. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jennie Re: Has PayPal gone bad? Dear Webby, Has PayPal gone bad? I received a notice about an order, that was to be shipped to somebody else, but that I supposedly agreed to pay for, and to dispute it to go to their site. And they sent it to one of my email addresses that does not have a paypal account! So far I have not gone to dispute it, not before checking with you. Jennie Dear Jennie PayPal is still good and secure. What you got was a spoof from some crook, who is trying to con you into handing out your password. Just forward that mail to, or trash it. Real mail from the real PayPal always tells you to never click on any apparent link, but to close all browser windows, open a fresh one and type into the address bar. The only exceptions to that are PayPal invoice buttons on sites that you trust and normally deal with. Have FUN! DearWebby
Classic: New medications approved by the FDA: St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin: Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura JackAsspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. NOTICE: Always consult your family physician before taking new medication.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Think You Know Everything? 1) Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. 2) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 3) "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 4) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. 5) The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. 6) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 7) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. 8) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." 9) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 10) All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill 11) A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. 12) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 13) A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 14) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 15) A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Keeping Kitty Out of Your Christmas Tree By Donna [436 Posts, 413 Comments] I have been dealing with my year old kitty climbing into and knocking over my Christmas tree until I came up with this idea! I blew up balloons and added them to the tree! She jumped in and accidentally popped one causing her to jump off immediately! It stopped her from jumping into it again, so now I can finish decorating it, but I think I will still leave some in the tree, just in case. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."
The world's most expensive dollhouse castle.
A young lady was describing to her grandfather her experience at the theater the preceding evening. "Why, I was really shocked," the young girl said. "Everybody in the place was making out." "Making out? What in the world is that?" her grandpa asked. "It's the same thing you called necking, Grandpa." "Maybe so," Grandpa replied. "But now I call it reminiscing." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 5, in 





2017  smiled.

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Fuzzy old pictures 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, December 4

Thank you, Frank!!!
Thank you, Leonard!!

If you did not yet take a minute to stare at the
Supermoon, it is not too late. The moon is still very
close and big tonight.

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Maryland man arrested for trying to 
kill woman with car
Today, December 4 in
1812 Peter Gaillard patented the power mower. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. --- Marilyn Manson (1969 - ) Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? --- George Wallace ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A friend is showing a Texan the Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!" "Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Caution! This story from Martin contains some words in Australian, and might not be suitable for reading from the church pulpit. This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home. The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff. The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Solly sir, I think you awe mistaken. These awe actually Austwalian customs. I was told, to become an Austwalian, you have to chase chicks, drink piss, and lissen to boohll-sheet." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andre Thomas Crew, 27, Waldorf, Maryland Maryland man arrested for trying to kill woman with car A man was arrested after her tried to run over a woman with his car on Wednesday night, according to a statement issued by Maryland State Police. Andre Thomas Crew, 27, sideswiped the woman’s car on northbound Route 301 at Mattawoman Drive in Waldorf, police said. The victim got out of her car and tried to take pictures of Crew’s vehicle’s tags, investigators said. Crew then hit the gas, attempting to pin the woman in between both vehicles, police said. The victim jumped onto Crew’s hood to avoid being crushed. Crew accelerated again as the victim clung to the hood of his car. The victim told investigators Crew purposely tried to strike another vehicle to throw her off the hood. The victim jumped off the hood before Crew hit another vehicle further down the highway at Cedarville Road. Medics arrived and took the woman to MedStar Southern Maryland Hospital nearby. Crew was arrested at the scene. He has been charged with first- and second-degree assault and reckless endangerment. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bonny Re: Fuzzy pictures Dear Webby, I have a bunch of older digital pictures that are quite fuzzy by today's standards. How do you make fuzzy pictures clear and sharp? Bonny Dear Bonny As long as it is not motion blur or jitters, you have a very good chance at clarifying the pictures. If you have Paintshop Pro, increase the image size 10-15%, then use the "Clarify" button. Increase the size again and clarify once more. By now the pricture is probably getting rather coarse looking. Now use the Effects tool and select "Edge Preserving Smooth". After that, shrink the picture to original size. It should be quite acceptable now. This trick works pretty well on original pictures, but nothing works, if a picture has been saved a few times with a high JPG compression. Always work in PSP format, or at least PNG or TIFF, until all work is completed. Then save in that format first before doing a final save in JPG format. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Bob for this story: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
The teacher brought a Venus de Milo statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The fine finish," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her .... boobs!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Food Fixes - Lumpy Sugar? The common cause of lumpy sugar is humidity. So it's always better to store sugar in a cool dry place in an airtight container. If you have lumpy sugar, place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours. If you still have lumps after that you can toss it in a food processor, but not for too long, or it will become powdered sugar. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!" ----------- Must have been a black bear. Adult grizzlies don`t climb trees. They pull or push them over.
An interesting site about Bird Life International.
The whole neighborhood shook from the ear splitting explosion in a nearby Pharmacy. As 911 was called, shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, people spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building. His white uniform was now scorched black. He looked like Frankenstein. He went up to a shaken and shivering old lady standing nearby. "Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time insist he better PRINT IT!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 4, in 
1791 Britain's Observer newspaper was first published. 

1812 Peter Gaillard patented the power mower. 

1918 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson set sail for France to
attend the Versailles Peace Conference. Wilson became the
first chief executive to travel to Europe while in office.

1942 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered the
dismantling of the Works Progress Administration. The
program had been created in order to provide jobs during
the Great Depression. WWII provided enough jobs.

1942 U.S. bombers attacked the Italian mainland for the
first time during World War II. 

1943 Baseball Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis
announced that any club was free to employ black players. 

1965 The U.S. launched Gemini 7 with Air Force Lt. Col.
Frank Borman and Navy Comdr. James A. Lovell on board. 

1973 Pioneer 10 reached Jupiter. 

1977 Jean-Bedel Bokassa, ruler of the Central African
Empire, crowned himself emperor in a ceremony believed to
have cost more than $100 million. He was deposed 2 years

1978 Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first woman
mayor when she was named to replace George Moscone, who
had been murdered. 

1979 For the second time, the United Nations Security
Council voted unanimously to urge Iran to free American
hostages that had been taken on November 4. 

1980 The bodies of four American nuns slain in El Salvador
two days earlier were unearthed. Five national guardsmen
were later convicted of the murders. 

1983 U.S. jet fighters struck Syrian anti-aircraft
positions in Lebanon in retaliation for attacks directed
at American reconnaissance planes. Navy Lt. Robert O.
Goodman Jr. was shot down and captured by Syria. 

1984 A five-day hijack drama began as four men seized a
Kuwaiti airliner en route to Pakistan and forced it to
land in Tehran. Two American passengers were killed by the

1987 Cuban inmates at a federal prison in Atlanta freed
their 89 hostages, peacefully ending an 11-day uprising. 

1988 The government of Argentina announced that hundreds
of heavily armed soldiers had ended a four-day military

1990 Iraq promised to release 3,300 Soviet citizens it was

1991 Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson was
released after nearly seven years in captivity in Lebanon.

1991 Pan American World Airways ceased operations. 

1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush ordered American
troops to lead a mercy mission to Somalia. 

1993 The Angolan government and its UNITA guerrilla foes
formally adopted terms for a truce. The conflict was
killing an estimated 1,000 people per day. 

1994 Bosnian Serbs released 53 out of about 400 UN
peacekeepers they were holding as insurance against
further NATO airstrikes. 

2000 O.J. Simpson was involved in an incident with another
motorist in Miami, FL. Simpson was accused of scratching
the other motorists face while pulling off the man's

2001 O.J. Simpson's home in Florida was raided by the FBI
in an ongoing two year international investigation into
drug trafficking, satellite service pilfering and money
laundering. Some satellite equipment was taken from
Simpson's home and no drugs were found.
2017  smiled.

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Locate de-sorted pictures 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, December 3

Thank you, Frank!!!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
20 times deported Mexican convicted of kidnapping and
sexually abusing two Oregon women grins in court,
gets 35 this time.
Today, December 3 in
1792 The trial of France's King Louis XVI began. 
He was eventually put to death for the 33 charges. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. --- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914) Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. --- Lewis Mumford (1895 - 1990) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. --- Laurence J. Peter ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about lifting the car and putting my paper under the front tire of the car." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A father from Eastern Europe is visiting his son in America for the very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up and down the aisles. Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?" Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: "Und vas dis, powdered milk?" Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: "Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! Dey take da fun outta making everyting!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always scream "Aye!" and furiously blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The Cajun mate looked surprised and replied, "You dumbo, ya say you neva heard of... 'an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot'?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sergio Jose Martinez, 31, Portland, Oregon 20 times deported Mexican convicted of kidnapping and sexually abusing two Oregon women grins in court, gets 35 this time. He has sexually assaulted a women in her home and attacked another in a parking lot. Both were on the same July day, a week after he was released from jail. Martinez pleaded guilty to 10 counts including sodomy and sexual assault Martinez smiled throughout the trial, and as he left, he gave one grim parting shot to his two victims' relatives: 'See all you guys in Hell.' The first attack occurred early on the morning of July 24, when Martinez entered the Northeast Portland home of a 65-year-old woman through a window she had left open to cool the house. Wielding a metal rod, Martinez told the woman to get down on the ground, where he bound and blindfolded her, threatened to murder her, and then sexually assaulted her, KGW reported. He stole the woman's purse and car; she called the police from a neighbor's home, and they located the vehicle and put it under surveillance. While they kept an eye on the car, however, Martinez was stalking his second victim in a parking garage on the corner of Northeast 21st Avenue and Northeast Halsey Street. He approached her carrying a knife and made her get into her car; as he got in after her she attempted to escape, but he was able to grab her and start slamming her head into the ground. The woman called out for help and as passersby approached, Martinez attempted to steal her car, then fled on foot when it failed to start. Police caught him minutes later. Two relatives of one of the victims, and one of the victims herself, spoke during the sentencing phase Friday, in which Martinez often grinned. A brother of one victim told Martinez: 'Sergio, no sentencing is enough. I rather you rot in Hell.' Martinez had been freed from jail in Portland a week before the attacks; he was in there for interfering with police and providing a false birth date. He was released despite a request from US Immigration and Customs Enforcement for the Multnomah County Sheriff's Office to hold him so the agency could take him into custody. It seems that Martiez expected the Oregon Sanctuary State Liberals to bail him out again, however this time he will have to enjoy a few years of free room and board first. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rhonda Re: Locate De-Sorted pictures Dear Webby, Thanks for the flexible and washable keyboard! I had seen it once at a daycare center, but they did not know where they had gotten it from many years ago. My not too bright hubby moved around all of my pictures while I was away on a course. Instead of in twelve neat category sub-folders in one folder, they are now all over the computer, and most I can't even find! He says, at the time his system made more sense to him, but even he can't find most of them. HELP! How do I get them back? Rhonda Dear Rhonda If you donèt have EVERYTHING Search, add another category folder and call it "Unsorted". Click on START, Search, and search for *.jpg, *.gif, *.psp and whatever other type of picture you have. When the search is completed, open a Windows File Explorer and line up your categories folder. Then, back in the Search window, click on one file, hit CTRL A to highlight all, then hold down SHIFT and drag the files to the new "Unsorted" folder. Close Search and any program that does not absolutely have to be running. Now, in the file explorer window, look for the VIEWS icon on top. It's the one with six dots in it and a pull- down arrow beside it. Pull that down and select "Thumbnails". Windows will start making a thumbnail for each picture. If you have thousands of pictures, this will take some time. Best is to not touch anything while it is doing this. Just let it run until that task is completed. Once that is done, click on the folders icon, so that you see the other category folders in the left sidebar. Like most file handling operations, this works best in Classic View mode. You can select that in Tools, Folder Options in the File Explorer top menu. Now you have the thumbnails on the right, and your twelve category folders on the left, and you simply drag each picture into the correct category. This obviously is going to take some time. It will work best if your hubby in the meantime cleans up the kitchen and cooks meals, while you repair the damage. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. There was a moment of silence at the table, during which the little girl was heard to say to her brother, "You see, it *IS* vanishing cream! They dont see us!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Gina for this story: Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Food Fixes - Ripe Fruit? Fruit that is not acceptable for eating whole or in a salad could be great for other purposes. Ripe fruit makes a delicious ingredient in smoothies and many baking recipes. If you don't have time use the fruit, just freeze it for later use. Tip provided by Some recipes, like Banana Bread, even call for over-ripe bananas. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this classic: Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite," The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Construction fails!
Dear Webby, just wanted to say thank you for your incredible newsletter. It's the best thing out there. I love the jokes, kudos, pictures and boneheads. I can't wait to get to the bottom to find the bonus link. Thank you for the time and effort you put into amusing us. Great job! Jayne ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 3, in 
1792 The trial of France's King Louis XVI began. He was
eventually put to death for the 33 charges. 

1833 Oberlin College in Ohio opened as the first truly
coeducational school of higher education in the United

1835 In Rhode Island, the Manufacturer Mutual Fire
Insurance Company issued the first fire insurance policy.

1910 The neon lamp was displayed for the first time at
the Paris Motor Show. The lamp was developed by French
physicist Georges Claude. 

1917 The Quebec Bridge opened for traffic after almost 20
years of planning and construction. The bridge suffered
partial collapses in 1907 (August 29) and 1916 (September

1931 Alka Seltzer was sold for the first time. 

1947 The Tennessee Williams play "A Streetcar Named
Desire" opened at Broadway's Ethel Barrymore Theater. 

1948 The "Pumpkin Papers" came to public light. The House
Un-American Activities Committee announced that former
Communist spy Whittaker Chambers had produced microfilm
of secret documents hidden inside a pumpkin on his
Maryland farm. 

1950 Paul Harvey began his national radio broadcast. 

1967 In Cape Town, South Africa, a team of surgeons
headed by Dr. Christian Barnard, performed the first
human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky. Washkansky
only lived 18 days after that. 

1968 The rules committee of Major League Baseball (MLB)
announced that in 1969 the pitcher's mound would be
lowered from 15 to 10 inches. This was done in order to
"get more batting action." 

1973 Pioneer 10 sent back the first close-up images of
Jupiter. The first outer-planetary probe had been
launched from Cape Canaveral, FL, on March 2, 1972. 

1983 3-foot-high concrete barriers were installed at two
White House entrances. 

1984 In Bhopal, India, more than 2,000 people were killed
after a cloud of poisonous gas escaped from a pesticide
plant. The plant was operated by a Union Carbide

1992 The Greek tanker "Aegean Sea" ran aground at La
Coruna, Spain and spilled 21.5 million gallons of crude

1993 Britain's Princess Diana announced she would be
limiting her public appearances because she was tired of
the media's intrusions into her life. 

1993 Angola's government and its rebel enemies agreed to
a cease-fire in their 18-year war. 

1994 Rebel Serbs in Bosnia failed to keep a pledge to
release hundreds of UN peacekeepers. 

1995 Former South Korean president Chun Doo-hwan was
arrested for his role in a 1979 coup. 

1997 In Ottawa, Canada, more than 120 countries were
represented to sign a treaty prohibiting the use and
production of anti-personnel land mines. The United
States, China and Russia did not sign the treaty. 

1997 South Korea received $55 billion from the
International Monetary Fund to bail out its economy. 

1999 Tori Murden became the first woman to row across the
Atlantic Ocean alone. It took her 81 days to reach the
French Caribbean island of Guadeloupe from the Canary

1999 The World Trade Organization (WTO) concluded a four-
day meeting in Seattle, WA, without setting an agenda for
a new round of trade talks. The meeting was met with
fierce protests by various groups causing Billions of $

1999 The National Aeronautics and Space Administration
(NASA) lost radio contact with the Mars Polar Lander as
it entered Mars' atmosphere. The spacecraft was unmanned.

2010 The Boeing X-37 returned to Earth successfully after
its first orbital mission. It launched on April 22, 2010.

2017  smiled.

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¸Quiet and washable keyboard 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, December 2

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
5 boneheads arrested trying to break into home 
while police are inside investigating their earlier
Today, December 2 in
1927 The Ford Motor Company unveiled the Model A automobile.
It was the successor to the Model T. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. --- Mark Twain (1835 1910) If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. --- Lewis Carroll (1832 1898) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Leesa On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Al Some people REALLY love Christmas. Me, I love Thanksgiving. Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department! ______________________________________________________ Supermoon! Catch it tonight. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ >From Theresa I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor. "I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?" He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble. As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by (Clockwise) Penny, Culbreath, Long, Cathcart, Wallace (Source: Mecklenburg County Sheriff's Office) Charlotte, NC 5 boneheads arrested trying to break into home while police are inside investigating their earlier break-in. Five people were arrested Friday night after trying to break into an uptown Charlotte townhouse twice, but the second time police were inside investigating the first break-in. Friday evening, a man reportedly came home to find people inside his townhouse on Garden District Drive, in the middle of a burglary. He was able to back out of his home, without them noticing he was there, and call 911, according to officers. Charlotte-Mecklenburg police arrived while the two were still in the house and arrested them. Police identified the two as 33-year-old Johnny Penny and 24-year-old Javonte Cathcart. Without knowing that police were still inside the townhouse investigating the break-in, three more people returned to try to break into the home about two hours later. Officers said the three tried to run away, but were quickly apprehended. Malik Long, 20, Khalil Wallace, 22, and Jamaka Culbreath, 16, face charges in the second attempted break-in. Penny and Cathcart both face felony breaking and enter and attempted larceny charges. Long also faces felony breaking and entering charges as well as possession of stolen goods charges. Culbreath was charged with possession of stolen goods. Wallace was charged with breaking and entering, possession of stolen goods, larceny of a firearm, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon and possession of marijuana. The homeowner was not hurt. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Janice Re: quiet and washable keyboard Dear Webby, I am a home care nurse and spend a large part of my time "just being there" with terminally ill patients. I know some of them are overly sensitive or just want to complain about something, but the noise from my laptop when I write my reports or whatever, caused a few complaints. Is there a really quiet keyboard that I could use? Janice Dear Janice Yes, there sure is! The flexible Indestructible keyboard is totally quiet, and you can safely disinfect or wash it without worrying about damaging it. They even have a version with a faint luminescent glow, so that you can work in the dark. There will still be the light from the screen, but at least you won't have to turn any lights on to be able to type. Most laptops let you dim the screen, some dim automatically, when you unplug the charger. They are full size 52 cm (20") keyboards, but you can roll them up to fit into a purse, or for cleaning, to fit into even the smallest sink or disinfectant basin. Best place for it is at They are not free, of course: $35, but are virtually indestructible. You can step on them, drive over them with a wheel chair, throw them into a tub, put them into a dishwasher after a patient throws up onto it. You can, of course, use them outside, in the rain, or while in a hot-tub. They are indestructible, unless you shoot a hole through one. I got one many years ago for use outdoors. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
>From Bill One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom. This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side. The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bath- room. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Photo Christmas Keepsake Ornament I had photo made on transparency film at Kinko's. Then I cut it out in a 3" circle. Rolled it up and inserted into the top of clear glass ball. It flattens out by itself. I added some angel (or glitter) hair, poking it down with a pencil, on each side of the film. Then I replaced the top, added some "snowflakes" the names and date with a white marker. These are our two oldest great grandsons. Have to make another since there are 3 of them now. By Great Granny Vi Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?" "That I did, sir." "And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny old world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?" "No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slap- ped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother is such a miserable klutz, he couldn't do this to save his life!"
Historical photos that have been colored. Enlarge them to get the full benefit.
Murphy's Technology Laws Murphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake. Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period. Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost. Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists. Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems. Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, December 2, in 
1804 Napoleon was crowned emperor of France at the Cathedral
of Notre Dame in Paris. 

1823 U.S. President James Monroe outlined his doctrine
opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 

1901 Gillette patented the KC Gillette Razor. It was first
razor to feature a permanent handle and disposable double-
edge razor blades. 

1917 During World War I, hostilities were suspended on the
eastern front. 

1927 The Ford Motor Company unveiled the Model A automobile.
It was the successor to the Model T. 

1939 New York's La Guardia Airport began operations as an
airliner from Chicago landed at 12:01 a.m. 

1942 A self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was
demonstrated by Dr. Enrico Fermi and his staff at the
University of Chicago. 

1954 The U.S. Senate voted to condemn Sen. Joseph R.
McCarthy for what it called "conduct that tends to bring the
Senate into dishonor and disrepute." The censure was related
to McCarthy's controversial investigation of suspected
communists in the U.S. government, military and civilian

1961 Cuban leader Fidel Castro declared in a nationally
broadcast speech that he was a Marxist-Leninist and that he
was going to lead Cuba to communism. 

1969 The Boeing 747 jumbo jet got its first public preview
as 191 people flew from Seattle, WA, to New York City, NY.
Most of the passengers were reporters and photographers. 

1980 The Central Committee of Poland's Communist Party
announced major Politburo changes. The changes were aimed at
coping with labor unrest. 

1982 Doctors at the University of Utah implanted a permanent
artificial heart in the chest of retired dentist Barney
Clark. He lived 112 days with the device. The operation was
the first of its kind. 

1990 Chancellor Hekmut Kohl's coalition won the first free
all-German elections since 1932. 

1990 The Midwest section of the U.S. prepared for a massive
earthquake predicted by Iben Browning. The earthquakes did
not occur. 

1992 Germany's lower house of parliament voted in favor of
the Maastricht Treaty on European unity. 

1993 The space shuttle Endeavor blasted off on a mission to
fix the Hubble Space Telescope. 

1994 The U.S. government agreed not to seek a recall of
allegedly fire-prone General Motors pickup trucks. A deal
was made with GM under which the company would spend more
than $51 million on safety and research. 

1995 NASA launched a U.S.-European observatory on a $1
billion dollar mission intended to study the sun. 

1997 U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno declined to seek an
independent counsel investigation of telephone fund-raising
by President Clinton and Vice President Gore. She had
concluded that they had not violated election laws. 

1998 Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates donated $100
million to help immunize children in developing countries. 

1999 The British government transferred political power over
the province of Northern Ireland to the Northern Ireland

2001 Enron Corp. filed for Chapter 11 reorganization. The
filing came five days after Dynegy walked away from a $8.4
billion buyout. It was the largest bankruptcy in U.S.

2010 NASA announced the discovery of a new arsenic-based
life form. 

2017  smiled.

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