Dear Webby: Setting up multiple users in Windows 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 4, 2008

Life is a sexually transmitted disease. --- R. D. Laing The gods too are fond of a joke. --- Aristotle
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor." He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than three years!" The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church." What Is Easter? Three cheerleaders died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first cheerleader replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St.Peter. Then he turns to the second cheerleader, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second cheerleader replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second cheerleader, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third cheerleader and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third cheerleader smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third cheerleader continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to J.P. MorganChase and of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington Too easy check cashing March 3, 2008 - Indianapolis, Indiana - UPI Indiana's state attorney general is suing a California woman who allegedly wrote her name on her employer's $1.26 million tax refund check. Attorney General Steve Carter alleges in the lawsuit filed in federal court that Lucia Abrantes illegally put her name on the refund check Indiana issued to Verizon Capital Corp. Carter claims Abrantes, who is described in the suit as a "rogue employee" of Verizon, deposited the money in her bank account and had it sent overseas. The banks that processed the check, J.P. MorganChase of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington, were also named as defendants in the suit, which says the institutions should not have processed the altered check. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to all who sent this picture of a classic Redneck Mansion:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Setting up multiple users in Windows Dear Webby, Can you tell me how to secure my computer so that if there is more than one user each user has to sign in with a password? I am using Windows XP. Thanks. Ann Dear Ann In order to set up a new user account, log in using your administrator account. (If there are no other accounts currently on your machine, then you ARE the administrator) Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Windows invites you to choose a task. Among the choices are Changing Accounts, Adding New Accounts, and Changing Logon/Log Off Options. Click Create A New Account Step 1 in the wizard dialog box that appears is to name the account. Enter the name you would like to appear for the users. Click the Next button. Choose the type of account, limited or administrator. (Users that have administrator access can make any changes they wish to the computer, those users with limited access however can not.) Finally, click Create Account In order to add passwords to new or existing accounts, follow these directions: Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Click one of the accounts at the bottom of the window. Click Create A Password link and type in the desired password. Follow the instructions to restrict access to your folders and then you are done. To switch between the different users on the machine: Click Start Click Log Off Select Switch Users to change between the different users. Have FUN! DearWebby

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - UPI A British Columbia woman who accused the staff at a Vancouver restaurant of being racist has been ordered to pay the eatery $1,500, Canadian media said Monday. Muneinazvo Tima filed a grievance with the BC Human Rights Tribunal claiming an alleged racial incident in 2006 at the restaurant caused her to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, causing her walk in her sleep and do badly in classes at the University of British Columbia, the Vancouver Sun reported. She testified she and a black male companion were forced to wait for a table for 45 minutes, then 20 more for a server, and then 45 minutes more for their meal. The tribunal heard restaurant staff had asked the couple to leave, as her friend had "acted inappropriately" by slapping a staff member's buttocks, the report said. The tribunal ruled Tima's "complaint is not justified," and ordered her to pay $1,500 in legal costs to the restaurant, the report said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bath Bib for Bathing Babies Keep yourself dry while giving your baby a bath by creating a large bib from a towel. Just fasten one end of the towel around your neck using a large safety pin and let the rest drape in front of you. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Corrected now, without the trailing / Polar bears
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, What are the advantages of PayPal? 




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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 3, 2008

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. — Napoleon Hill
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she said. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Deborah Reid, 42, in Muirhouse, Scotland Poor table manners! February 29, 2008 - Edinburgh, Scotland - UPI A Muirhouse, Scotland, woman has pleaded guilty to stabbing her husband when he attempted to calm a dispute between her and her daughter over the TV. Deborah Reid, 42, pleaded guilty Tuesday to culpably and recklessly brandishing a knife after she stabbed her husband, Thomas Reid, in the right shoulder with a kitchen knife in July while he was attempting to calm a heated argument between his wife and 18-year-old stepdaughter over what they should watch on TV, the Edinburgh Evening News reported Tuesday. Prosecutor Siobhan Monks said Reid dropped the knife after the stabbing and fled from the house while her family locked the door behind her and phoned authorities. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Sue for this picture of her spring garden in Wales:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: What is the advantage of PayPal Dear Webby, What is the advantage of having Pay Pal and how do I get it if I were interested Please help!! Thank you, Robert. Dear Robert PayPal is like a 2-way debit card. You can receive money just as easily as spending money. For example, if you find that you have more stuff to get rid off from the spring cleaning than you have garbage bag allowance, you sell some of the stuff on eBay. Somebody is bound to want that stuff. They pay you via PayPal and stock up your PayPal account. When you buy something over the net, for example web hosting, you use your PayPal account to pay for it. If you buy something major, you can stock your account by dragging funds from your bank account onto it. The same also works when you have too much in the PayPal account and not enough in your checking account. You simply drag some money from PayPal to your bank account. You can view and print your PayPal account any time you want, without statement fees like your bank charges. It works quite well and I have never had a problem with PayPal. 95% of Webby clients pay with PayPal and appreciate the convenience. To get an account, just go to http://paypal.com Have FUN! DearWebby

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand." Anni Said, "But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. "Actually no," Anni replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

Deeli's Kudos March 2, 2008 - New York - UPI Two childhood friends are celebrating their successful kidney donation and transplant in New York after being reconnected by a random online link. While Karl Celestin and Ricardo Manier were good friends as children, it wasn't until Celestin's name appeared on Manier's Facebook account that the two reconnected. The New York Daily News said when Celestin learned Manier needed a kidney, the old friend offered him one of his own. Manier lost his own kidney to a rare disease but now, thanks to his childhood friend, he has a new lease on life. "It was a lifeline for me," Manier said following the pair's successful operations. "I was really sick, my body was shutting down. Eventually I would have fallen asleep and never woken up. "He gave me something that's better than anything." Doctors told the Daily News both surgeries went well and both men are expected to recover and enjoy their renewed friendship. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-311279-765490

One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day. On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs. There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot. On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?" "Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going one way, just think of our condition! We have to go all the way back!".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sanding in Hard to Reach Places An emery board or a small nail file works well for sanding tough to reach places on furniture. You can make something similar to an emery board by gluing sanding paper to a tongue depressor. You can make custom files by dipping Q-tips in carpenter's glue, and rolling them in white Quartz sand or valve grinding powder. Before the glue hardens completely, squish the tip into a pie shape with one sharp edge and the rest rounded. For longer detail files you can scratch up the end of a brass brazing rod or concrete from wire (stiff and springy galvanized wire about 1/8 " thick), and glue cotton to it first, then the abrasive an hour later. You can also pound the ends of a piece of form wire into a micro-chisel on one end and a hoe type scraper at the other end to have a very versatile tool for removing paint or glue traces from narrow spots. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Reb's wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers." A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" "Maybe, Ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Polar bears
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internet TV software 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 2, 2008

All who have achieved great things have been great dreamers. ---Orison Swett Marden The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --- Joe Ancis
Thanks to Irene for this story: Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies." Thanks to Ginny for this story: My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photograph on the mantle piece?" I told her, "To keep the kids away from the fire."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mthandani Nqetho in Durban, South Africa Not a movie stuntman either January 31, 2008 - Durban, South Africa - UPI Police in South Africa said a suspected thief spent hours clinging to a rail after he impaled both his feet on a fence during an attempted getaway. Authorities said Mthandani Nqetho impaled his feet on the fence's steel spikes while fleeing from guards in the city of Durban Friday night and he was not found until churchgoers spotted him the next morning. Nqetho was able to free one of his feet on his own, but the other remained impaled until the following morning, when bystanders phoned rescue services. Captain Greg Bevan said the suspect's wrists were swollen from hanging onto the rail for several hours. Police spokesman Michael Reed said Nqetho has been charged with robbery and is being guarded at the hospital. He said Nqetho will go before a magistrate as soon as he is healthy enough to walk which police estimated at about a week. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-295366-890974
Thanks to my Kate for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kate Re: Internet TV software Dear Webby, I just found this advert about internet tv and I know that your the most savvy on net fraud that I know so I wanted your opinion. to me it already looks too good to be true.... so... :) Kate Dear Kate There is no way that I can check out all 15,000 different PC-TV programs out there. Most of them cost between $29 and $99, and they all require you to buy RealPlayer. They all got the same free stations. Whenever one adds a new station, the other ones will have it too within a day or so. As a rule of thumb, if they accept PayPal, they are legit. PayPal would axe them instantly if they were not legit. Have FUN! DearWebby

Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense.

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Somerset, UK - Daily Telegraph A mother who fell into a coma after losing her baby son during a difficult labour came back from the brink of death after her husband gave her "a bloody good yelling at". Yvonne Sullivan, 28, lost consciousness suffering from severe blood poisoning moments after being told that baby Clinton had died. Her husband Dominic, 37, kept a round-the-clock vigil at her bedside for two weeks as she lay in intensive care. But when doctors told him they would have to switch off her life support machine, Mr Sullivan took drastic action - by giving his wife a firm telling-off. He held his wife's hand and demanded: "You start fighting. Don't you dare give up on me now. I've had enough, stop mucking around and start breathing. Come back to me." Two hours later she started to breathe steadily again. Within five days, doctors were able to switch off her ventilator, and she regained consciousness to see her husband standing beside her. She even remembers hearing her husband yelling at her as she lay in a coma and says it gave her the strength to pull through. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jh ... oma123.xml

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vegetable Oil on Your Snow Shovel Coat your snow shovel with some vegetable oil to keep snow from sticking to it. Use the cheapest cooking oil you have on hand. Make sure you carefully wash off that oil before the dusty season! Unlike dry Moly lube or spray-on Ski wax, cooking oil attracts and binds dust into a rough crust that will make your life miserable next year. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but....this seems to require further study."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Encyclopedia of Life
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Dear Webby: Patch for MS-Office 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 1, 2008

Live out of your imagination, not your history. --- Stephen Covey
Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends'. They do it differently in Scottland! Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his wife. Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that. His reply was, "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I want to buy bullets for."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Eric Holmes of Chicago Not a movie stuntman February 27, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Chicago police are holding a suspect in the death of a man who climbed onto the roof of his van after it was stolen by a carjacker. Eric Holmes, 23, was killed when the carjacker tried to shake him off by driving the vehicle into a concrete barrier on Chicago's Dan Ryan Expressway, The Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday. Police say Holmes was stopped at a gas station Tuesday night when a man jumped into his van and drove off. Holmes grabbed the vehicle's luggage rack and pulled himself onto the roof as the van entered the expressway and headed north. A witness said Holmes was trying to enter the vehicle through the passenger door when the driver rammed into the concrete barrier http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-309576-685551 -------------------------- He would have been quite safe hanging on to the ladder in the back and motioning drivers from other cars to call 911.
Thanks to my dad for this picture: A dark rainy day made it possible to take a picture of the Snake Cactus with the sky in the background. It looks much better in sunshine, of course, but my camera can't handle that. With a bright sky behind it, the colors turn out almost black. Papa
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: MS Office patch Dear Webby, > Word can't open Open Office documents, it is way too primitive for that. Yes it can. The good folks at Sun Microsystems realised that Open Office would never get off the ground if MS Office couldn't read (and save) their documents, so they released a free plugin for MS Office that allows it to do just that. The Sun ODF Patch for Microsoft Office gives users of Microsoft Office Word, Excel and PowerPoint the ability to read, edit and save to the ISO-standard Open Document Format (ODF). The plugin works with Microsoft Office 2007 (Service Pack 1 or higher), Microsoft Office 2003, XP and Microsoft Office 2000. The plugin is based on StarOffice technology and is easy to setup and use, the conversion happens transparently and the additional memory footprint is minimal. MS Office Patch Cheers Gary Dear Gary OK, I'll keep it in mind that SUN has a secret patch for MS Office. I don't really need it myself, since Open Office allows me to save documents in the old prprietory Microsoft format for those who have not upgraded yet. Have FUN! DearWebby

Grammer Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Little Johnny: "Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and the preacher ran off to a mission in Africa."

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to the camera person ... February 22, 2008 - Belgrade, Serbia - Reuters BELGRADE, Serbia - A video of two young women looting with gay abandon during rioting in the Serbian capital Belgrade was becoming a Balkan smash hit on the video-sharing Web site YouTube Friday. Police arrested some looters, but public humiliation by YouTube may prove a far more painful punishment for the pair, whose spree Thursday night was also aired on local television stations and was being discussed across the Internet. A persistent amateur cameraman followed the women as they loaded up with chocolates at a corner shop, came out giggling, then went after designer bags, shoes and clothes at Belgrade's swankiest stores in its vandalized main shopping street. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23300651/

Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one lunch check, Chaos is four women plus one bargain.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Aphid Repellent Plants You can help prevent aphid infestations on your vegetables by planting them with plants that repel aphids. Some examples are anise, chives, coriander, garlic, onions, petunias and radish. Another trick is lay some aluminum foil around the base of a plant, the reflection will help deter the aphids. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new librarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and, with a look of utter disgust on his face, handed them to the librarian. Before the librarian could even start her speech, the boy said, disdainfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Optical Illusions
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: MS Office versus Open Office 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 29, 2008
Wear something red to show your support the troops!

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --- Ronald Reagan
Thanks to Doc for this classic: Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." Anni wanted a divorce from Sam. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?" "Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot." "That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?" "Prove it? Why everybody knows it." "If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." Sam shouted out, "She did too!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shlomo Benizri, Israel East wing of the Westboro Perverts? February 24, 2008 - Israel - Ananova An Israeli MP has blamed a spate of earthquakes in the Middle East on gays. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party, said the tremors could be stopped by repealing liberal laws on homosexuality. Six earthquakes have struck Israel and neighbouring Lebanon and Jordan in recent months, with two coming last week alone. Israel decriminalised homosexuality in 1988 and has since recognised same-sex marriages. To the outrage of the religious Right, it last week enabled same-sex couples to adopt children. Mr Benizri believes it's no coincidence that the first of the recent quakes hit the country just two days later. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2737998.html?menu=
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Glen Re: OpenOffice compatibility Dear Webby, Actually, at the College where I teach (as Adjunct), Microsoft supplies the campus staff with free software and the campus then promotes the Microsoft products as the required product to use. This is something I encountered when teaching Web Design I, where I was required to teach and students were required to learn Web Design using FrontPage. The college has a course "Basic Computer Literacy" that should be renamed "Introduction to Microsoft Office". Glen Dear Glen Yes, it's the same story as when Apple was doing that 20 years ago, and kids entered the workforce without a clue about operating "real" computers. They were laughed out of the office, just like anybody who mentions FrontPage today. I hope you warn your students about that, and tell them to NEVER mention FrontPage in a job interview. It's much easier to train somebody Industry Standard methods from scratch. Also remind them that they can use Open Office and save most of their work in Microsoft format. Not FrontPage, though. That is a bit too weird and too far off standard. But they can save word processing files as MS WORD docs and spreadsheet files as MS Excel xls files. Have FUN! DearWebby

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.'' "What about the bucket of sand?'' "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Haines, Alaska - UPI A group of six men in Haines, Alaska, said they roped and rescued a pregnant moose that had fallen into a hole in the ice covering the Chilkat River. Charlie DeWitt, who led the rescue operation, said the animal was attempting to smash its way out of the ice hole, but to no avail. "(The Department of Fish and Game) didn't know what to do. I decided to take the bull by the horns. It was right out there in the middle of God and everybody," said DeWitt. Bud Stewart, who supplied the rope, said he was able to calm the moose down and she allowed him to pet her snout and eventually slip the rope around her neck. The rope kept the moose afloat while the rescuers tied another rope to the animal's rear end. DeWitt said the moose wandered off after taking a short rest following her rescue. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saucer Decoupage Picture Frame If you any have saucers without a cup, you can cut a family picture to fit in the center of the saucer. Glue the picture to the saucer and decorate around the picture. Let it dry and then give it a coating of decoupage. Let that dry and apply a second coating. Cheap spar varnish, the type of varnish that is mopped onto hardwood decks of boats, will work fine too. It is not quite as clear as expensive decoupage, but extremely durable. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock foot- ball game."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wheat Weaving
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Dear Webby: Open Office compatibility 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 28, 2008

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. --- Albert Schweitzer
A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem." "I don't have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?" "For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz." Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 16 year old bank robber in Toronto, Canada Tackled February 27, 2008 - Toronto, Canada - UPI A 16-year-old Toronto youth who held up a bank Tuesday morning got a major surprise when he walked into a wall of police waiting for him, local media said. A silent alarm summoned police to the CIBC bank branch around 10:15 a.m. when the youth reportedly entered an office out of sight of customers and indicated he had a gun, the Toronto Star reported. He demanded an undisclosed large amount of cash and bank employees spent the next 55 minutes assuring him it was being collected, police said. None of the customers in the bank were aware of what was happening, although outside, an Emergency Task Force team of 20 officers, the K9 unit and an armored vehicle were assembling, the report said. When the teenager walked out of the bank, he was tackled and arrested on charges of robbery and forcible confinement, although no weapon was found, police said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-309106-742075
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Panama Flower Market
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donnie Re: OpenOffice compatibility Dear Webby, I suggested Open Office to a friend's son who is a college student on a snug budget. His on-line assignments require WORD. Will Word open an Open Office document? I tried a sample document on my computer, but was not successful. Is there any trick that will work easily? Thanks once again for all of your help. Donnie Dear Donnie Yes, I realize that some colleges accept bribes from Microsoft dealers for insisting that only Microsoft products be allowed. Word can't open Open Office documents, it is way too primitive for that. However, Open Office can save documents as Word Documents. Open office is OPEN. It works on UNIX, Linux, Windows and Mac, and it can save documents and spreadsheets in just about any format. That's why it is called OPEN, and why the business world is switching to it. Kids limited to WORD will soon have a hard time competing with those who are comfortable with OPEN. The more progressive colleges have already realized that and switched to OPEN Office. Just tell him to save the documents in Word format, so that the backward teacher can read it. Have FUN! DearWebby

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's butt." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Atlanta, Georgia - UPI A downtown Atlanta bar owner has constructed a remote- controlled robot to patrol the neighborhood around his business late at night. Rufus Terrill built the machine out of an old meat smoker, a three-wheeled scooter, an infrared camera, a water cannon and a loudspeaker. Terrill said he got the idea for the remote-controlled vigilante after he became fed up with the drug dealers, thieves and vandals that frequent his neighborhood. He sends his robot to patrol the area surrounding a nearby daycare center, and uses the attached loudspeaker to address loiterers. "I tell them they are trespassing, it's private property, and they have to leave," he said. "They throw bottles and cans at it. That's when I shoot the water cannon. They just scatter like roaches." He said the water cannon is set to low pressure so as not to cause injury to those in its path.

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... but sometimes I just go plain wild and crazy!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying a Mattress When buying a mattress, make sure to lay down on it. If two people are sleeping on it, both should try it out. Just sitting on a mattress won't tell you what it's like to sleep on it. Take it for a test drive in the store. Try several models so you know you are getting the best deal. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For non-cowboy types..the container for this 'snuff' is a 3" diameter, 3/4 inch thick round can, and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket) Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Western Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well, come on, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wheat Weaving
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Dear Webby: Restoring Firewall 




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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 27, 2008

Man is a magnet, and every line and dot and detail of his experiences come by his own attraction." — Elizabeth Towne
As a school principal in rural NC, I have heard nearly every excuse for a student’s being late for school, but Arnold’s topped them all. He came into my office looking somewhat tired and bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour tardiness. “Our chickens have been disappearing.” He said. “And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But nothing happened for several nights. Then last night about 3 o’clock, Pa got me and Ol’ Blue and his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with him to the chicken house to see what was going on.” He went on. “Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and as he bent over to go into the chicken house Ol’ Blue cold-nosed Pa where he didn’t expect it. Both barrels went off. Ever since then we’ve been up a-cleanin’ and a-pickin’ more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 3 miles to school. As I handed him his “Excused” slip, he muttered, “I sure hope we don’t have no chicken for lunch this week.” Thanks to Cindy for this report: Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Anthony Ricca, 37 from Boca Raton, Florida Stolen lego Peddlar February 26, 2008 - Boca Raton, Florida - UPI The Palm Beach County, Fla., Sheriff's Office alleges Anthony Ricca, 37, was videotaped shoplifting Lego Star Wars toys from a Target store Wednesday. Target Loss Prevention Manager told deputies a security camera recorded Ricca purchasing some of the toys, taking them out to his car and then returning to the store and taking more of the toys to his car without paying for them. An analysis of security recordings at the store and other locations in the county turned up footage of Ricca shoplifting during at least 12 separate incidents. Ricca has netted at least $42,000 from selling Lego products on eBay, authorities said. He has been charged with grand theft over $10,000, organizing a scheme to defraud, and dealing in stolen property totaling over $5,000 by use of the Internet.
Thanks to Verna for sending this picture: Unsaddling after checking the bulls.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: restore Firewall Hey Mr Webby; I have a question for you in regards to CA! When you disabled the firewall, does it enable when you shut down and restart automatically? Eddie Dear Eddie I have never used CA!, but I would imagine that they are similar to other firewalls, and that they too give you an option to automatically turn it back on in a few minutes, and in how many minutes. Have FUN! DearWebby

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house. Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a mop to get her to come out! She bit and scratched, but I finally did manage to turf her out into the back yard." The cabbie laughed so hard, he hit a parked car.

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to Robert McFarlane of Telus Corporation February 26, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - UPI The Oscars awards gala in Hollywood created a headache for an organ donor agency in British Columbia, Canada, because all charter jets were booked. Bill Barrable, executive director of BC Transplant, told the Globe and Mail a man in a rural part of the province died suddenly Thursday and had an unusually high number of viable organs, including both lungs and kidneys, heart, liver and pancreas. However, after contacting all 11 jet-for-hire companies he has used in the past to get the organ-recovery surgeons to the site and back, he learned all the aircraft were Hollywood-bound, the report said. Last year, the agency booked 23 $15,000 flights on recovery missions and Barrable said he decided to call an old university friend for help -- Robert McFarlane, chief financial officer and vice president of Telus Corp. Within an hour, the company had one of its private jets in the air at no charge and the organs were harvested and returned to Vancouver, Barrable said. Seven people received organ transplants. "It was a race against time," he said. "But talk about a happy ending." Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without long hair."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Car Light And Maintained For Better Mileage You don't need to carry snow chains around with you in the summertime, just the winter. Also, check your tire pressure. Over-inflated tires can actually reduce your fuel efficiency, so don't overfill. Keep your car tuned up. Cars in poor running condition use more gasoline. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Sign Museum
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Dear Webby, how do I get rid of a hijacker? 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 26, 2008

Nothing is an obstacle unless you say it is. --- Wally Amos
A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!" The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents." "Keli is a liar and a cheat ," said Greg to Paul seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" Paul asked. "Keli didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Di Ann." Greg replied. "So?" Paul queried "So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her sister."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Orlando Utilities Commission Too incompetent to be honest? February 25, 2008 - Orlando, Florida - UPI A Florida man said getting his money back proved difficult after he accidentally paid the Orlando Utilities Commission $11,384 instead of the $113.84 he owed. Larry VanFleet said a misplaced decimal point on the check he sent to the commission resulted in his bank account being cleared out. VanFleet said he spent two weeks trying to get his money back from the company, but all he was offered was an $11,000 account "credit". "I don't want an $11,000 credit to pay my bill for seven years," VanFleet said. "I mean, come on." He said his complaints went unaddressed until he contacted the WKMG-TV Problem Solvers, who in turn put in a call to OUC. VanFleet credited the Problem Solvers with convincing the company to return his money.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: William Re: Page Hijacker Dear Webby, I have problem with an exe file. When I attempt to go to a website off of Google , it directs me to a porn site. How do I rid myself of this executable? I've tried to remove it but it says that it is in use. Thanks William Dear William Your machine is infected with malware, a hijacker. Possibly you agreed to it in the small print of something you installed. Once you have agreed to it, as a form of payment for something you received. Spybot is not legally allowed to remove it. The courts consider it a negotiated and agreed form of payment, owed to the company from whom you got something or other. There are probably some guerilla methods for getting rid of that page hijacker, but without knowing the name of it, it is impossible to guess which one you sold out to. There are way too many page hijackers floating around. The most respected help is at the HijackThis! forums. Lurk at that forum and observe their customs and manners. Search for previous instances of help for your particular hijacker. You may find the answer there. If not, lurk until you feel like an insider, and then ask for help. The people there are very friendly and helpful, as long as you don't ask about a problem that they just solved and discussed last week. In the meantime, use the Chinese Maxthon browser. It resists a lot of the hijackers. You can also try FireFox and Opera. Have FUN! DearWebby

It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar. As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?"

Deeli's Kudos Kudo to snow mobile owner turned detective February 24, 2008 - Bangor Township, Michigan - AP Michigan police say they found what appears to be a "chop shop" for stolen snowmobiles, thanks to the determination of an angry snowmobile owner, and some telltale tracks in the snow. Police say the man discovered Saturday that his snowmobile was missing from his home in southwest Michigan. The man, whose name is not being released, called police and set out on a borrowed snowmobile following tracks in the snow. They say he followed them for about 16 kilometres, through fields and along roads. Relatives and friends followed by car as he trailed the tracks to a home in Bangor Township. "The tracks that they had followed led right up to a garage door," Michigan State Police said in a news release. Inside the garage, police found the man's snowmobile, already disassembled, plus three others and many snowmobile parts. Police say they have numerous suspects and expect to file charges. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 12-ap.html

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use ATMs During The Day Limit your risk of being robbed by avoiding ATM or cash machines at night. If you have to use an ATM at night, find one in a well lit, well traveled area. People walking away from an ATM are particularly vulnerable because criminals know that they have cash. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Stepahnie for today's Bonus Link: Reunion with lion BabelFish translation of the text: The woman in the video found to this wounded lion and on the verge of dying in the forest. Took it to its house and took care of of him until it improved. When the lion recovered, it called to a zoological one and it made some adjustments so that they took it and they offered a new home him, where could continue taking care of of him. This video was filmed when the woman went to visit the lion in the zoological time despues. The reaction of the lion when it sees it is INCREDIBLE!
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Dear Webby: McAfee problem 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 25, 2008

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? -- James Thurber
Thanks to Rubye for this story: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since." "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" From Fred Olds Sr (is he a Senator?) My Dear Friend As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend 0that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy beer or spend it on prostitution, since those are the only businesses still in the US and plowing their money back into the US.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 45 year old N.Y. parks employee Park Rage February 15, 2008 - New York - AP Police say a Parks Department employee took his city-issued golf cart on a rampage, running over and killing five birds in a public park. Police said they arrested the 45-year-old employee Friday evening after receiving complaints that he was driving erratically in the park in Lower Manhattan. He faces charges of reckless endangerment and intentional injury to an animal. Three pigeons and two seagulls were killed. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/ ... 9768.shtml
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: McAfee Total Protection Hi Webby, I got my new McAfee Total Protection and tried to install it. It stopped because of Spybot, so I removed it, or so I thought. McAfee still saw it and would not complete the install. I went back into the control panel and there it was. Tried to remove it again. Add/Remove told me I could not remove it because it wasn't there, but McAfee still sees it. I contacted the Spybot support, but have not heard from them about removing it. I'm lost! Thanks, Bob Dear Bob McAfee copied part of Spybot and now does not want the free Spybot to compete with their paid version. During the McAfee Total Protection installation they start a childish pissing contest between the two programs and leave the paying customer stuck without protection. The TeaTimer in Spybot has for many years done quite successfully what McAfee's Total Protection is trying to do. You will have to make up your mind whether you want the proven Spybot to take care of that part of protection, or McAfee's newest experiment. Personally, I think that McAfee's virus protection and firewall are the best, but their other stuff stinks. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this keen insight: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and After marriage.

Deeli's Kudos February 17, 2008 - New York - AP A skittish kitten that scampered out of its carrier on a subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels. Transit workers tracked down 6-month old Georgia under midtown Manhattan Saturday. Police reunited her with owner Ashley Phillips, a 24-year-old Bronx librarian. After hearing that the black cat might have been spotted below Lexington Avenue and East 55th Street, track workers Mark Dalessio and Efrain LaPorte went through the area making ''meow'' sounds. Georgia responded, and they found her cowering in a drain between two tracks. Georgia had lost some weight and scratched her nose but was otherwise unhurt. She had disappeared while Phillips was bringing her home from a veterinanrian visit last month. http://www.happynews.com/news/2172008/k ... subway.htm

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I called your wife. I listened to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Lay Outfits Out the Night Before If they get into the habit of laying out their outfit the night before it will make the mornings less stressful and help keep their room organized. For younger children, lay their outfit out for them. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express lane check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby, is LimeWire safe? 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  February 24, 2008

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. --- George Bernard Shaw, When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. --- Eric Hoffer
Curling - Shuffleboard, bowling and janitorial work finally get their respect in this sport. In curling, a stone is pushed down a frozen playing area, which is 46 yards long and 14 feet wide, and the closest to the "button" wins. Members of the curling team are allowed to use brooms to sweep the ice ahead of the stone so it will go further. Another part of the sport is to knock an opponents stone away from the button. The earliest known curling stone, found in Scotland, dates back to 1511, and a 1560 painting by the Flemish artist Pieter Breughel shows a Dutch curling scene, complete with brooms. Breughel's painting, entitled "Sweep, Ye Drunken Bastards! Sweep!" is the earliest known visual representation of curling. Relation Chips I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back. III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else. IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird. V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee. VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee. VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone. VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends. IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to May Norberg, head of Myran daycare in Gaellivare, northern Sweden Uniform fanatic February 16, 2008 - Gaellivare, Sweden - AFP A Swedish daycare has banned children and employees from wearing clothing with polka dots and stripes because the patterns give a staff member migraines. "I feel sorry for the staff member so I adjusted the work environment. The person in question has to be able to work," May Norberg, head of Myran daycare in Gaellivare, northern Sweden. Parents said that children who show up wrongly dressed in the morning are provided with extra clothing -- in solid colours -- to change into. The head of the Swedish Home and School Association, Ulf Eriksson, said he was surprised by the measure. "I have a hard time imagining that (the school) is allowed to make such demands," he told the paper. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080217/o ... th_offbeat
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: limeWire Dear Webby, I have been told by numerous people that having Limewire.com can ruin your computer. Are you familiar with Limewire.com? If so, what is your opinion? Tom Dear Tom They are right. LimeWire opens your computer to others to come and get music and movies that you have, just like you can go get music and video from others. The kids brag that it is easy to break out of the designated trading zones and mess around. I would not use it, especially not on a machine with important stuff on it. If you think you have to use it, get a cheap, used klunker, format it with XP, and use that machine only as a juke-box and for lime-wire and similar peer to peer sharing arrangements. As long as that machine is not networked with your other machines, it should be safe. Have FUN! DearWebby

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people waiting in my car!"

Deeli's Kudos February 21. 2008 - Albuquerque, New Mexico - AP A cat that fled a house fire is back home in Albuquerque, N.M., after turning up some 240 miles away. The black and white cat named Miko disappeared in December, on the night of the fire. About two weeks ago, Miko's owner got a call from an animal shelter in Pueblo, Colo., saying her cat was safe. Officials at the shelter speculate that the cat, trying to keep warm, hopped a tractor-trailer and rode it to Colorado. When they found her, her collar was missing. But shelter officials scanned the microchip in her neck and came up with her owner's name. http://www.happynews.com/news/2202008/c ... s-away.htm

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Broom Foot Cleaner If you have an old bristle broom that you are about to retire, put it to good use as a boot and shoe cleaner by your front or back door. Cut the handle about halfway and bury the remaining handle in the ground. Leave the bristles pointing up in the air for people to wipe their feet on. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

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If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version






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Dear Webby, what is a Trojan? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 23, 2008

Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --- Jane Wagner
Thanks to Davefor this classic: A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones having gone to see his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." So much for global warming! Feb. 22 - Highest waterfall in Estonia freezes, creating a spectacular winter wonderland. The Valaste waterfall is 25-metres high and lies between the village of Ontika which has just 83 inhabitants, and Valaste, where 121 people live. Strong sea winds and sudden low temperatures have seen much of the waterfall freeze. While water still flows, everything surrounding it is covered in beautiful ice crystals. The strong winds blew the water up from the falls, covering all nearby objects. Reuters QuickCut is a video snapshot of the most compelling images from around the world.
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Benjamin Baines Jr., 21 of Tampa, Florida Won't be flying for a while February 22, 2008 - Tampa, Florida - UPI Officials at Tampa International Airport arrested a man after they discovered him carrying a box cutter in a hollowed-out book, police said. It was reported that Benjamin Baines Jr., 21, was charged with attempting to board an airplane with a concealed dangerous weapon. He could face a 10-year jail sentence and a $250,000 fine if convicted of the federal charge. Airport officials saw the box cutter Sunday during an X-ray check of his backpack, a Transportation Security Administration report said. A security officer reportedly found the item inside a hollowed-out book called "Fear Itself." Baines told authorities he used the book to hide marijuana and money from his roommates and had forgotten the box cutter was inside it, reports said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-306905-875691
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: First cactus blooming this year
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Trojan Dear Webby, My brother claims he has the Trojan Virus in his computer. What is this, and what would you suggest he do to get rid of it: Roland Dear Roland A Trojan is a back-door for spammers and hackers. It lets the hackers enter his machine and use it for sending spam in the background, while the clueless goof is cyber-sexing in the foreground. Naturally, he is not winning any popularity contest by hosting a spam spreader and having Millions of people sincerely wishing him bad luck. Any decent anti-virus program prevents Trojans from entering, even when he clicks on disreputable spam. They also get rid of Trojans that have already been installed. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Young Love A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question his father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Deeli's Kudos February 15, 2008 - Paris, France - BBC News A British man has smashed the record for cycling round the world. Mark Beaumont, from Fife, completed the journey in 195 days - beating the previous record of 276 days. The 25-year-old crossed the finish line at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris at 1430 GMT after an 18,000-mile journey which began on 5 August last year. Mr Beaumont passed through 20 countries on his way, including Pakistan, Malaysia, Australia, New Zealand and the US. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scot ... 245381.stm

Thanks to Rubye for this story: A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a private room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got male

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Start a Book Exchange A way to save money on books is a book exchange with friends and family. An easy way to do this is to set up an email list with everyone that wants to participate and post the books you have available to share to the list. It can be a fun social event and also saves you money. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Daddy," said Little Johnny, "I'd like to get married." "Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered Johnny. "Grandma." "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!" "Why not?" the Johnny asked. "You married mine."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: UBE false alarm 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 22, 2008
Wear something red to show your dupport for the troops!


Success is important only to the extent that it puts one in a position to do more things one likes to do. --- Sarah Caldwell
Thanks to Connie for this story: Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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Miss Suzie was teaching her class about whales...she told the class that although whales are the largest creatures on earth they have really small mouths and can only swallow krill and other small sea creatures. Little Johnny immediately stood up and told the teacher she was wrong. The teacher asked why? Little Johnny explained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Bible. The teacher told Little Johnny that was impossible as a whales mouth is much to small. Little Johnny argued that if it was in the Bible then it was true... but the teacher stood her ground. Little Johnny told her that when he went to heaven he would ask Jonah himself...and then the teacher asked Little Johnny what if Jonah went to hell? To which Little Johnny replied..."Then you can ask him!" An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to environmental protesters in Palm Beach County, Fla. Bonehead to the 'Greens' Kudo to the Sheriff February 21. 2008 - Palm Beach, Florida - UPI The sheriff in Palm Beach County, Fla., is dismissing complaints from environmental protesters who were arrested during a demonstration this week. "Did they expect that they were going to the Ritz-Carlton day spa?" scoffed Sheriff Ric Bradshaw. "No. It's a jail," Nearly 30 protesters were arrested in Palm Beach Monday for blocking traffic at an aggregate mine and a Florida Power-and-Light construction site. The incarcerated greens promptly issued complaints of being brutalized and denied food. The Palm Beach Post said Bradshaw said the accusations were false and that some of the arrestees had refused to cooperate with the jailers. He also said booking photos and videotapes confirmed that no abuse had taken place. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-306211-285212
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Check Your Children's Homework!!!!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angel Re: UBE Dear Webby, What is this all about? Subject: Considered UNSOLICITED BULK EMAIL, apparently from you From: "Content-filter at spamwall19.mweb.co.za" Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:07:48 +0200 (SAST) X-Virus-Scanned: ClamAV using ClamSMTP A message from to: -> .......@mweb.co.za was considered unsolicited bulk e-mail (UBE). Angel Dear Angel The NOI (Ninjas Of Ineptitude) at mweb.co.za censored your subscription, because it had educational content. Please tell the NOI to whitelist humor@webby.com, because the subject line and the Tech Support Pits column frequently have educational information about avoiding undesired email or software. Try to use small words and explain to them, that mail, which is about how to avoid bad stuff, is not bad stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby

When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy, a woman who is beautiful." I told him he'd better make up his mind.

Deeli's Kudos February 21, 2008 - Phoenix, Arizona - AP A cat named Meatloaf who took a 3-week cross-country ride locked in a storage container is headed home to Florida. Arizona Humane Society officials say the 2-year-old gray cat apparently crawled into the large locker in Pompano Beach, Fla. as a man loaded it for a move to Phoenix. The container spent time in a Florida warehouse and on a semitrailer before being delivered to a company's Phoenix facility. A worker heard a cat meowing inside the container late Tuesday and found him hungry and thirsty but unharmed. The man who was moving remembered a similar cat near his old apartment. Meatloaf's owners had put up posters around their neighborhood and the apartment manager recalled them when Humane Society called. Spokeswoman Kim Noetzel says Meatloaf lost about half his body weight and they'll give him some time to recover before flying him home. http://www.happynews.com/news/2212008/m ... e-trek.htm

Morris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at Notre Dame ?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Vacuum Regularly Dirt helps wear down the fibers in your carpet. Vacuum regularly and place a welcome mat at your home's entrances. Also consider a "no shoes" policy. High traffic areas can often use vacuuming once a day while low traffic areas can be vacuumed a couple of times a week. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors on duty. Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seaman entered Sick Bay. The sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good. "Good?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all. A guy came in with foot cramps and the doc cut off his foot." "And remember the guy with erysipelas?" asked the second Corpsman. "The doc lobbed off his right ear." The sailor turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be back later. I've just got a mild case of jock itch."

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Dear Webby: Crossed out text 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 21, 2008

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --- Solomon Short Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain. --- John F. Kennedy He who gives in when he's wrong is wise, but he who gives in when he's right, is married. --- Louis A. Safian
Thanks to Fred for this story: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

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When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink and aimed it towards his crotch. The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Graham Calvert, 28, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England Too dumb to be let out without supervision February 16, 2008 - London, UK - AFP A compulsive gambler is suing a betting chain for two million pounds in losses he racked up despite asking the firm to bar him, he said Thursday. Graham Calvert, a 28-year-old greyhound trainer, will go to the High Court next week in a bid to force William Hill to repay his losses because it failed in a duty of care to him. Calvert, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England, said he told the company to bar him in May 2006, but was later allowed to open a new account with them. "If I'd known I had the problem and didn't do anything about it, I would see myself as being 100 percent responsible." Calvert's losses included 347,000 pounds on one bet alone, in which he forecast that the United States would win golf's Ryder Cup championships. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080217/o ... ling_court
In case you didn't see the eclipse...
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barbara Re: Crossed out text Dear Webby, This is about the third time I have received an e-mail with a line through the print. How does this happen and is there any way to correct it without retyping the entire thing? The line starts in the 4th paragraph. Thank you for any help you can give, Barbara Dear Barbara Impossible to tell whether somebody did that on purpose, or out of sheer klutziness. The results are identical. To remove the cross-out, highlight it, and hit CTRL U. With Eudora that works fine, as you see below. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Kati for this story: A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Deeli's Kudos February 20, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI A sad but 'Huge' Kudos go to Daniel Parmenter One of the survivors of last week's Northern Illinois University shootings didn't learn until days afterward that her boyfriend had died saving her life. Because Lauren Debrauwere was struggling with her own serious injuries, her parents told her that her boyfriend, Daniel Parmenter, was OK. Parmenter was sitting next to Debrauwere in their ocean science class last Thursday when a gunman entered the lecture hall and began shooting. Steven Kazmierczak, a former NIU student, carried out the attack in which five students were killed before he turned a gun on himself. Debrauwere's father said that Parmenter tried to protect Debrauwere by placing his body over hers while they were lying on the floor. Parmenter died of gunshot wounds to his head, back and side. Debrauwere was hit in the hip and abdomen. On Saturday, after consulting with a hospital social worker, Debrauwere's parents broke the news that Parmenter had died. His funeral was Tuesday at in Oak Brook, Ill. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-305982-179749

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now...." .

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Kid's Backpacks Have your kids take a day each week to clean out their backpacks. It will help them keep their school work organized and will prevent a messy backpack from exploding in your house. It also serves to help lighten load that kids have to carry on their shoulders each day. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzi instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" said the teacher. "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good!" exclaimed the teacher. "You may go home, too." Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny blurted out, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Bagpipes on police budget
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Dear Webby: Diverted Phishing Attack 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 20, 2008

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. --- Patrick Young
Thanks to Sandie for this: Usually there's no computer problem I can't solve. But I met my match when I turned on my machine and was greeted with the message "Keyboard not detected. Hit any key to continue

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Thanks to Darlene for bringing back this Classic: THE POWER OF PRAYER? In a small conservative town, a man began construction so he could open a new Bar/Tavern. The local Church started a campaign to block the Bar from opening by daily prayers and working on petitions. Work progressed right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the Bar and burned it to the ground. The Church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, right up until the Bar's owner sued the Church on the grounds that it was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through "direct or indirect actions or means." The Church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. When the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing he commented, "I don't know yet how I'm going to decide this. It appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire Church congregation that doesn't!" A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jerry Keene, 40, and Elizabeth Blankenship, 48, both from a briber in Duval County, Florida Poor judgement of judge February 19, 2008 - Jacksonville, Florida - UPI A Duval County, Fla., man has been charged with bribery after he allegedly slipped a note to a judge that contained a $100 bill. The arrest report for Warren Robinson, 60, alleges he gave the note to Judge Charles Cofer's assistant when he arrived for a hearing on a domestic violence charge. The report says the note contained the money, a three-page letter and a message reading: "Please accept this little token of gratitude and appreciation towards me. P.S. Take your wife out to dinner on me on Valentine's Day." The letter implored the judge to drop the charges. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-305037-530900

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Phish diverted Dear Webby, I'm not sure if it was someone's idea of a joke or an actual phishing scheme, but I got a pretty standard phishing email, went to the link and put in some completely BOGUS info. When I hit the continue button, it took me to the wikipedia page about phishing. Of course, I reported the email to spam cop. Have you seen or heard of this? Eric Dear Eric Most likely Spamcop had contacted the webhost of that phishing site, and the web host then promptly confiscated the domain from the phishers, and redirected the entire domain to the wikipedia page about phishing, just to piss the phishers off. That is pretty well standard procedure with the better web hosts. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Marion for this story: My eleven-year-old son, Lee, wanted to check his height against mine, so we stood back back. When we turned around, he kept his hand in place and then exclaimed, "Mom, I'm up to the first line on your forehead!"

Deeli's Kudos February 19, 2008 - Walterboro, South Carolina - AP A South Carolina man is thankful for a DVD that ended up taking a bullet for him. Colleton County Fire and Rescue Director Barry McRoy says he was leaving a Waffle House restaurant in Walterboro on Saturday morning when two men ran in, fighting over a gun. Police say a bullet hit one of the struggling men, shattered a window and then hit McRoy. The bullet hit a DVD McRoy was carrying in his pocket. He suffered a bruise but didn't realize he had been shot. As he told a police officer what happened he noticed a bullet hole in his jacket, the shattered DVD case and a piece of the bullet. ''I was saved by a DVD,'' McRoy says. ''How lucky can you get?'' One man was arrested on assault and battery and gun charges. The DVD was nicked. It was a gift from an employee who had recorded a TV show about fire extinguishers. http://www.happynews.com/news/2192008/d ... bullet.htm

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. So he he went to a stationery store and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had written on it with a red felt maker: "Door signs require a permit from the Secretary." .

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cellphone Plans Review your cellphone plan once a year to make sure it still fits your needs. If you rarely use up your minutes you may be able to downgrade your plan and save 10 to 20 dollars a month. If you pay overcharges for going beyond your plans minutes then you might save money by upgrading your plan. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Lori for this story: I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Elvis
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Dear Webby: Short URLs 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 19, 2008

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. --- Henry Kissinger Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. --- Charles Caleb Colton
Thanks to Bob for this story: Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'

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In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God had a Swedish accent!" Jack called into a local radio station and told the 'morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" His reply: "Until my girlfriend dies of old age." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jerry Keene, 40, and Elizabeth Blankenship, 48, both from English, West Virginia Poor dress code February 15, 2008 - English, West Virginia - AP A robbery suspect tried to hide his face with a pair of underwear but the disguise didn't fool witnesses. Police arrested Jerry Keene, 40, and Elizabeth Blankenship, 48, both of English, a short time after the pair robbed the Hillbilly Market in English Tuesday night. McDowell County sheriff's Chief Deputy Mark Shelton says Blankenship went into the convenience store and then left. Keene then entered, concealing his face with the underwear, showed a gun and demanded money. Shelton said witnesses identified the suspect, despite the disguise. Blankenship and Keene were each charged with armed robbery. They were being held Wednesday night at the McDowell County Holding Facility. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/custom ... 0126.story
Thanks to Ann for this picture: Mondays!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cindy Re: Short URLs Dear Webby, You often use short coded URLs. Initially that used to scare me, because I could not see the name of the sites. Eventually I got used to that and began to like the short URLs. How can I compile or make them? Cindy Dear Cindy Just go to http://snipurl.com/ and paste in the long URL. Then click on SNIP IT, and it will put the short URL into your clip-bord and also into a field above. That's all there is to it. Have DearWebby

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !" Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much. Bye. "

Deeli's Kudos February 15, 2008 - Northglenn, Colorado - AP Undercover police officers posing as flower deliverymen on Valentine' Day arrested 23 people with outstanding warrants. The Northglenn officers used a van with a sign saying "Flower Delivery" and knocked on doors bearing a long-stem rose box to net their quarry. "Hello there. Happy Valentine's Day," Officer Matt Hindman told one man wanted in this northern Denver suburb for failing to appear in court on a marijuana possession charge. The man asked for a pen to sign for delivery. Hindman announced: "Northglenn police undercover, OK? You've got a warrant for your arrest, OK?" "Honestly it didn't click with me until I heard, 'Northglenn police' and then he pulled out the badge and I thought, 'Damn you guys are good,'" Madden said. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080216/D8UR5JAG0.html

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Film In Fridge Before storing film, be sure to put it in a zip lock freezer bag and squeeze all the air out before sealing. Let the film warm to room temperature before using it. Try to avoid letting the film warm and cool several times since this can cause condensation. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Lillemor for today's Bonus Link: US Military Losses 1980 - 2006
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Dear Webby: Open Office Install CDs 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 18, 2008

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? --- Abraham Lincoln Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. --- Howard Aiken
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots John, and count them yourself!"

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A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan." An elderly Dutch man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favours." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a faker in Spezia, Italy Won't be driving ever again February 16, 2008 - Rome, Italy - AFP A 70 year-old Italian man who had been pretending to be blind for 40 years to get an invalid's pension was arrested as he drove his car. The "particularly nervous" man was stopped during a routine road check in the northern city of Spezia and could not provide a driving licence, city police chief Massimo Giaramita said. "Then we checked his medical record and were amazed to find that he was registered as 100 percent blind," Giaramita said. He had been claiming an invalids pension and other benefits from his former employers for 40 years, the report said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080217/o ... me_offbeat
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Boinggirl and Kate Re: Big downloads Dear Webby, you can also get open office on CD from a distributor. Steve J might want to do this http://distribution.openoffice.org/cdro ... html#cdrom boeinggirl ---------- Dear Webby, I got a DC from Open office free. Just asked! and they sent it. Plus you might want to be a distributor! http://distribution.openoffice.org/cdrom/ Heres one: http://www.cnt-web.com/ 7.95 S/H There are others but I didnt look at them all. Some are more expensive and some cheaper. But for me with dial up it was well worth the cost! Kate Thanks BoeingGirl and Kate! DearWebby

Thanks to Andrew for this story: When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."

Deeli's Kudos February 16, 2008 - Calgary, Canada - Canadian Press For Amanda Hodson, taking a friend's $40 bet that she couldn't kiss the next stranger to board their bus home from school was a no-brainer. Taking a husband in the deal was a little more unexpected. Five years after the bet, Amanda and Brendan Miles - who happened to be that next guy to climb aboard the Calgary Transit bus - got married Saturday. "I walked on the bus, she walked up to me and all of a sudden she was kissing me," Brendan said Saturday after the ceremony. "And I just said, 'this is great!', and so I kissed her back." Right after snatching the $40 from her friend, Amanda offered to spend some of her winnings by taking Brendan for a coffee. The two found out they had more in common than a surprise smooch. The two 23-year-olds from Calgary have kept the bus theme alive and well throughout their romance. Brendan proposed to Amanda while riding the bus. And on Saturday, all decked out in their wedding best, the happy couple had their official photos snapped while snuggling in the back row of one of Calgary Transit's finest. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0802 ... bus_lovers

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Prom Dresses Check thrift stores, consignment shops, and department store clearance racks. You can find good deals on sites like eBay, but if the dress doesn't fit, you are out of luck. It's also worth looking into whether your local school or church has a dress swap or ask friends or relatives. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Arturas for today's Bonus Link: Closeups
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Dear Webby: Problems with huge downloads 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  February 17, 2008

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. --- Mark Twain Too many people don't care what happens so long as it doesn't happen to them. --- William Howard Taft
Mike Madden is recovering from whiplash injuries after testing his latest invention, a bird-feeding hat. Madden, 48, of Crackpot Cottage in Honley, West Yorkshire, designed the hat, fitted with an elaborate feeding tray full of nuts, so that birds could help themselves while he was out walking. But he was injured when a large grey squirrel spotted the nuts, took a flying leap at the hat, and knocked the inventor to the ground.

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Morris bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Valentine's Day. His friend Abe said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles!" "She did," he replied. "But where in the world a fake jeep I can find?" Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Jump to your own conclusion about that. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Imola Kovac, 26 and Laszlo Papp, 32, of Gyor, Hungaria Can't take a compliment February 7, 2008 - Gyor, Hungary - Ananova A Hungarian lawyer is facing court action after he bit a female colleague's breast at a civic dinner. Laszlo Papp, 32, head lawyer for the Mayor's Office in Gyor, reportedly told Imola Kovac, 26: "I don't fancy my chicken breast - I think I'll try yours instead." The mayor described his lawyer's actions as an obvious joke but Kovac did not see the funny side and has now launched legal action against him for sexual assault. She said: "I am taking legal action because I do not think biting a colleague's breasts is appropriate behaviour for a civil servant." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2717658.html?menu=
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Steve Re: Big downloads Dear Webby, Is there a location to get a current copy of Open Office from. I am not way savvy on this stuff & made a mess of trying to download it. It gave me several dowloading errors & I could not get it to open properly. Paying a fee for a clean current copy is no problem. Now that I have read your news letter I can go have my morning tea. Thanx, Steve J. Dear Steve Try http://snipurl.com/1zr5i It is a huge file, about 120 MB, and on slow dial-up will take a long time to download. If you have a neighbor or friend with a high speed connection, give them a blank CD and ask them to download it and burn it onto the CD for you. CD's are cheap, but shipping is not. Try to get one burned within walking distance. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on beer cans and 2 were on the phones."

Deeli's Kudos February 12, 2008 - Washington, Pennsylvania - UPI A five-legged cat in Pennsylvania was down to three legs Thursday following surgery, but vets say it will walk better than it did before the operation. The cat, named Baby Girl, will be put up for adoption at some point, likely to one of around 50 people from the Washington, Pa., area who have already volunteered to take it in. "The surgery went great. She handled her anesthesia fine, which is the most important thing," Dr. Julie Robb, said. Baby Girl was a stray when she was found in nearby Canonsburg. The feline's plight, not to mention its extra appendage, drew media attention -- along with an outpouring of donations to pay for the surgery. The procedure removed both the extra leg and one that was damaged, which will smooth out Baby Girl's gait.

Love, Lust Or Marriage? LOVE: When you write poems about your partner. LUST: When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks. LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room. LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings. LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results. MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV. LOVE: When nobody else matters. LUST: When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE: When you share everything you own. LUST: When you use everything they own. MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything. LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling." LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?" MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper on the way back."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Caring For Cut Flowers Using pruning shears (not scissors), make a fresh cut at the bottom of the stem under running water. Strip away all leaves that will be below the water line so they don't rot. Change the water once a day and add 2 Tbsp. of sugar to act as a preservative. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Irene for this story: My husband and I were at a restaurant and before we were seated my husband said he needed to use the bathroom he went off and did his business, When he finally returned I notice a very LONG piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants. And before I could say anything everyone started laughing and pointing, of course he still had no clue, that is until some young guy approached him, and asked him if he was receiving a fax! Of course we will never go back to that restaurant EVER AGAIN!!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Amazing World Records
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Dear Webby: What does Publisher do? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 16, 2008

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, And toss them on the wheels of Chance. --- Juvenal
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in. (PAUSE) General, "I need two copies."

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A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the woman replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put his arm around her in a familiar way. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand, "Not so fast!" "I meant five times in the kitchen!" Happy 29th Birthday Deeli, from Dear Webby and a Million Deeli Fans! Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vincent Lowenberg, 81 of Lake Oswego, Oregon Dumb excuse! February 16, 2008 - Lake Oswego, Oregon - UPI An elderly man drove his car into the front of a Lake Oswego, Ore., bank, but there were no serious injuries. Vincent Lowenberg, 81, said he drove his car into the front of the US Bank location after his foot became wedged between the accelerator and brake pedals of his Nissan Altima, the Lake Oswego Review reported Tuesday. Bank manager Patty Zimmerman said one banker sustained a minor injury when a desk collapsed, but no one was seriously hurt. "I heard a loud noise," she said of the incident. "He just kept accelerating." Lake Oswego Police Capt. Don Forman said Lowenberg did not receive a citation for the incident but indicated he may be re-tested by the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles to determine whether he is fit to continue driving. Lowenberg said that no matter what, he's through with the Nissan. "I'm trading this in for a Cadillac," he said.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture of a Sea Eagle
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Publisher Dear Webby, Publisher is mostly for business stuff. Biz cards, labels, website builder...etc The Open office Writer, as you know, will do all those things. My kids were required to have publisher as well with no substitute and bought it on campus for about $10 (student edition) This was at Texas A & M so it could have just been those Aggies. Thanks for the reply, Eddie Dear Eddie Personally I have never seen a need for Publisher. Writer does the fancy paper work stuff, and web pages as well. Writer produces nice and clean HTML, quite unlike Publisher. Fixing pages produced with Publisher is a nightmare and not something I do without a hefty fee. Web Pages produced with Open Office Writer have HTML as clean as DreamWeaver and are a breeze to maintain and update. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Gloria for this story: The best thing about moving back to my hometown was seeing so many familiar faces. One day, in the grocery store, I recognized a man who had been a good friend of my parents. He noticed me staring, so I quickly introduced myself as John and Helen's daughter. "Helen's daughter!" he exclaimed. "Oh, such a beautiful lady." He called to his wife, "Martha, come and see Helen's daughter. You remember Helen - such a beautiful lady." "Oh yes," Martha replied. "She was always so pretty." After raving on about my mother, he turned to me and said, "You look like your father..."

Deeli's Kudos February 13, 2008 - Durango, Colorado - AP Accidentally locked out of her home and stuck in the bitter cold, Geraldine ''Gerry'' Palmer took matters into her own hands. An ax, to be more specific. Palmer, who turns 90 this weekend, said a sliding glass door locked behind her Saturday after she went outside to rearrange some things that had gotten wet on the patio. Snow had formed a pile about 7 feet high between her and the yard, so she had no escape. So Palmer picked up an old ax she had once used to chop wood and broke into her own home. ''I had to bang the glass four times with the ax before it broke,'' she said. After smashing the glass in the sliding patio door, she reached inside and unlocked it. http://www.happynews.com/news/2132008/w ... k-home.htm

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. "What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Little Things Say "I Love You" A single rose can do the work of a dozen. Write a love note or poem to your partner. Place it somewhere unexpected; like inside of the morning paper or on the pillow. Last but not least, don't forget to say "I Love You", sincerely and often. If kept cool, it will keep for a lot longer before it turns into vinegar. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield. Now, a huge Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, corporal, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rules of Thumb
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Dear Webby: Replacement for MS Publisher 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 15, 2008

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. --- Thomas Jefferson If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --- Henry J. Tillman
Thanks to Robert for this story: Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakastani boy and asked his name..... "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied. "How do you spell that? asked the teacher. "My mother helps me" said the little boy. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to HSBC bank in Easingwold, North Yorkshire, UK Bank is open February 7, 2008 - Easingwold, North Yorkshire, UK - Ananova A five-year-old boy pushed a bank door and it opened - 19 hours after it was supposedly locked up for the weekend. Oliver Pettigrew wandered into the HSBC branch in Easingwold, North Yorkshire, as his dad used a cash machine outside. Dad Daniel, 50, said "Oliver vanished and then appeared again. He said, 'Dad, the bank is open'. "At first I thought he was joking - but it was." Daniel and Oliver called police after walking right up to the vault of the deserted bank on Saturday. The bank had closed for the weekend at 4.30pm on Friday. An HSBC spokeswoman said there was a "malfunction" with the catch on the door. She said customers' savings had not been at risk. Oliver's mum Alison, 44, said: "There were no alarms. If not for Oliver that door could have been left open until Monday." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2717572.html?menu=
Thanks to Noella for this picture of the recent ice storm
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tam Re: Publisher Dear Webby, HI, how are you? As always, thanks for the great humor and advice. I look forward to reading your humor everyday. I have emailed a few times and you always help me out, so here I am again needing advice! My daughter is working on a school paper and needs microsoft publisher or desktop publisher (same thing?) I was wondering if theres a free version that I could get online for her to use. thanks in advance Happy Valentines Day! Tam Dear Tam Just get Open Office from http://www.openoffice.org/ It's publisher, called IMPRESS, seems to be better than Microsoft's publisher anyway. And Open Office is free! Have FUN! DearWebby
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A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to the sniffing dog and FBI February 14, 2008 - Miami, Florida - UPI Federal authorities in Miami were holding a Massachusetts man after he allegedly tried to leave the country with more than $1.3 million in stolen cash. Allen Seymour of Oxford was headed to Venezuela with his family when a money-sniffing dog detected the cash in the baggage compartment of a private aircraft at Opa-locka Airport. FBI Agent Albert D. Lamoreaux said Tuesday that Seymour illegally obtained the cash from a Massachusetts lawyer through a complicated series of transactions. The lawyer, identified only as R.D., was under federal investigation in a case involving the misappropriation of $1.99 million belonging to a client. Authorities said they believe Seymour was attempting to flee to Venezuela. Besides his wife and five children, he was also taking the family dog. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-302668-678797

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "You have proven to yourself that you are in truly awesome shape. If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Serving Wine Uncork red wine an hour before drinking so it can breathe and rise to room temperature. Chill white wine and open right before you are ready to drink it. If you have leftover wine, put the cork back in the bottle, it will keep for a few days. If kept cool, it will keep for a lot longer before it turns into vinegar. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice." Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?) Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls." Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world did they do that???" Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something." Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...!" Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!" Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can *we* do?" Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on the mice. I can probably do it if I can get enough little screws." Pastor: "WHAT?!?" Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Magnum Photography Landscapes - click on Gallery
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Dear Webby: Happy Valentines Day! 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 14, 2008
Today is GUILT day!

First, no matter what language you are most comfortable with: Afrikaans---Ek het jou lief Albanian---Te dua Arabic---Ana behibak (to male) Arabic---Ana behibek (to female) Armenian---Yes kez sirumen Bambara---M'bi fe Bangla---Aamee tuma ke bhalo baashi Belarusian---Ya tabe kahayu Bisaya---Nahigugma ako kanimo Bulgarian ---Obicham te Cambodian ---Bung Srorlagn Oun (to female) Oun Srorlagn Bung (to male) Cantonese/Chinese Ngo oiy ney a Catalan ---T'estimo Cheyenne ---Ne mohotatse Chichewa ---Ndimakukonda Corsican ---Ti tengu caru (to male) Creol ---Mi aime jou Croatian ---Volim te Czech ---Miluji te Danish ---Jeg Elsker Dig Dutch ---Ik hou van jou English ---I love you Esperanto ---Mi amas vin Estonian ---Ma armastan sind Ethiopian ---Ewedishalehu : male/female to female Ewedihalehu: male/female to male. Faroese ---Eg elski teg Farsi ---Doset daram Filipino ---Mahal kita Finnish ---Mina rakastan sinua French ---Je t'aime, Je t'adore Gaelic ---Ta gra agam ort Georgian ---Mikvarhar German (High)---Ich liebe dich German (Alpine)---- I ha di liab Greek ---S'agapo Gujarati ---Hu tumney prem karu chu Hiligaynon ---Palangga ko ikaw Hawaiian ---Aloha wau ia oi Hebrew ---Ani ohev otah (to female) Hebrew ---Ani ohev et otha (to male) Hiligaynon ---Guina higugma ko ikaw Hindi ---Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hai Hmong ---Kuv hlub koj Hopi ---Nu' umi unangwa'ta Hungarian ---Szeretlek Icelandic ---Eg elska tig Ilonggo ---Palangga ko ikaw Indonesian ---Saya cinta padamu Inuit ---Negligevapse Irish ---Taim i' ngra leat Italian ---Ti amo Japanese ---Aishiteru Kannada ---Naa ninna preetisuve Kapampangan ---Kaluguran daka Kiswahili ---Nakupenda Konkani ---Tu magel moga cho Korean ---Sarang Heyo Latin ---Te amo Latvian ---Es tevi miilu Lebanese ---Bahibak Lithuanian ---Tave myliu Macedonian Te Sakam Malay ---Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu Malayalam ---Njan Ninne Premikunnu Maltese---Inhobbok Mandarin Chinese---Wo ai ni Marathi ---Me tula prem karto Mohawk ---Kanbhik Moroccan ---Ana moajaba bik Nahuatl ---Ni mits neki Navaho ---Ayor anosh'ni Nepali ---Ma Timilai Maya Garchhu Norwegian ---Jeg Elsker Deg Pandacan ---Syota na kita!! Pangasinan ---Inaru Taka Papiamento ---Mi ta stimabo Persian ---Doo-set daaram Pig Latin ---Iay ovlay ouyay Polish ---Kocham Cie Portuguese ---Eu te amo Romanian ---Te ubesc Roman Numerals ---333 Russian---Ya tebya liubliu Rwanda---Ndagukunda Scot Gaelic ---Tha gra\dh agam ort Serbian ---Volim te Setswana ---Ke a go rata Sign Language ---,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You' Sindhi ---Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan Sioux ---Techihhila Slovak ---Lu`bim ta Slovenian ---Ljubim te Spanish ---Te quiero / Te amo Surinam- Mi lobi joe Swahili ---Ninapenda wewe Swedish ---Jag alskar dig Swiss-German ---Ich lieb Di Tajik Man turo Dust Doram Tagalog ---Mahal kita Taiwanese ---Wa ga ei li Tahitian ---Ua Here Vau Ia Oe Tamil ---Naan unnai kathalikiraen Telugu ---Nenu ninnu premistunnanu Thai ---Chan rak khun (to male) Thai ---Phom rak khun (to female) Turkish ---Seni Seviyorum Ukrainian ---Ya tebe kahayu Urdu ---mai aap say pyaar karta hoo Vietnamese ---Anh ye^u em (to female) Vietnamese ---Em ye^u anh (to male) Welsh ---'Rwy'n dy garu Yiddish ---Ikh hob dikh Yoruba ---Mo ni fe Zimbabwe ---Ndinokuda
While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."

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Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "One leaves at 1 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Denise Thomson, 25, of Elkhorn, Neb., Not a record to be proud of! February 8, 2008 - Omaha, Nebraska - WNBC Thanks to Ross for this submission Authorities in Omaha said they arrested a woman whose blood alcohol tested at higher than five times the legal limit for drivers. Sheriff's deputies arrested Denise Thomson, 25, of Elkhorn, Neb., after they received a number of calls about an impaired driver on Interstate 80 Thursday afternoon. Deputies said they performed a field sobriety test on Thomson, then took her to the Sarpy County Jail, where her blood-content tested at 0.415 percent. Deputy Davis believes that is the highest blood-alcohol reading he's seen in his career. Thomson was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence, negligent child abuse, driving left of center and driving on the shoulder of the road. Thomson works for Beneficial Behavior Health in Omaha, which provides transportation to DHHS. http://www.wnbc.com/news/15255843/detai ... resistible
Happy Valentines Day, ! Feel free to print them! Not legal tender except in Kentucky. However, in Kentucky, watch out for 7's and 4's and the infamous Hillary $3 bill!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: New Flash Player Dear Webby, Just to let you know that I downloaded Belarc from your toolbox and wow I was totally surprised at all the info it gives for everything in my Computer...It updates every time I click on it. I had no idea there was all that info in there...If ever I need to recover and need a CD all the info ever needed is there and more!!!!... Thanks so much for having it in your Toolbox. Also a friend asked me for Flash Player 8...He wants to download the program. I have sent him one from Google and he says it only goes so far and stops the download. Would appreciate it if you would send him your Web Pages daily. of course he would have an AOL address!!!!... So hoping it goes thru to him. Thanks so much for all your help. Jaye Dear Jaye Glad you finally got around to using the Belarc! While you are at it, why don't you use Clickbook to print a couple of nice little doublesided paperback size brochures (4 pages per sheet) of the results, one for the insurance file, and one for the ziplock bag that has the original paperwork and install CD's for that machine ? The flash player is now up to version 9 http://www.adobe.com/products/flashplayer/ I sent a double-opt-in authorization request to your AOL friend. If he or AOL are not currently blocking me, he should have it in his mailbox now. If he doesn't, it will age off in 72 hours and he can try again. Have FUN! DearWebby
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. He instructed the man to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help solve the problem." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. At that point he changed his mind and told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to ten. Figuring that both learned physicians could not be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Deeli's Kudos February 10, 2008 - Ottawa, Canada - UPI A Canadian man is walking nearly 300 miles from Toronto to Ottawa in some of the winter's worst weather to draw attention to the need to help those with autism. Stefan Marinoiu, 49, left his home to begin the 281-mile trek Jan. 31 to "plead with the politicians" to do more for those about the affliction. Marinoiu, who has a 15-year-old son with autism, has battled blinding snows and frostbite. "Having an autistic child is like having a present and not being able to unwrap it," Marinoiu said. "I have been silent for 15 years. All the stress, all the pain, no resources, I gotta do something." Ontario Provincial Police stopped him the first night for walking illegally on the highway. Since then they've been keeping an eye out for him and sometimes advance him to the nearest town. He said, "It has been so cold you feel like you are going to die the next second but I take the next step. I am walking for all the tens of thousands who are like my son. No matter what, I am going to accomplish this." He hopes to arrive in Ottawa Monday Feb 11. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-301113-197066

Thanks to Sandie for this story: A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years." "Amazing," said the counselor. "How did you do it?" "I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a chicken."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Go Out for Drinks or Dessert Instead of going out for a full fledged meal, try going out to an expensive restaurant and sit in the bar. You can order drinks and something to nibble on, or a decadent dessert to share. Pick a place with a view or romantic ambiance. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

TODAY is GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers "yes." Robber shoots him. He asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers "yes." Robber shoots him. He asks the third hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers, "No, but my mother-in-law did."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Air Show Action
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Fake FBI alert 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 13, 2008
ONE day till GUILT day!

On the global warming hoax: It's all because of Bush's poor energy policy, that the people listened to and believed Al Gore! --- Hillary Clinton
Thanks to Dave for this story: A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Am I too flat, or is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tina D. Williams, 46, from St Augustine, Florida Wrong priorities! February 8, 2008 - St. Augustine, Florida - UPI A Florida mother was arrested after police found her driving with beer buckled in the front seat but her toddler unrestrained in the back seat, a report said. Tina D. Williams, 46, faces charges of drunken driving, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia, and driving without a license after officers stopped her for running a red light Sunday, the Jacksonville Florida Times-Union reported Tuesday. Amber Tedrick, 20, reportedly was in the back seat of the car next to Williams' unrestrained 16-month-old daughter. When police asked Williams, who smelled of alcohol, why the toddler was not buckled in, she said she did not know, a police report said. Police reportedly found a 24-pack of Busch beer buckled into the passenger seat and two pipes typically used for drug purposes in Williams' purse. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-298772-517137
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture: The real cause of global warming and of the North Pole melting and being towed over to Russia as a tourist attraction, is not the hot air from the primaries, and it's not from the Canucks cussing about the coldest winter since 1959, no, the real cause is the Chinese exporting too many cheap MP3 players to the polar bears!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Connie Re: FBI Alert Dear Webby, You might want to post this in your newsletter for all subscribers to read and be aware of when opening their email. This came in today through an enewspaper I receive each day. I have sent this message to all my addys, but it needs to be read by many more. Connie R FBI Internet Alert: Beware Valentine E-Card blah, blah, blah.... Dear Connie You got duped by a silly AOLer. The FBI Does not compete with McAfee, Norton, AVG, etc. and does not announce 3 year old viruses. The Storm Worm is old hat and has long ago become obsolete, because even the simplest anti-virus program recognizes it. If somebody claims that the FBI, AOL, IBM, Microsoft, CNN or the national Enquirer issued an alert, then you know it is a hoax. Go to http://hicards.com or http://angewinks.net or any of the 50,000 or so legitimate postcard sites listed at http://mypostcards.com, and send yourself a test card. You can make it as mushy as you want. That will generate a legitimate postcard pick-up notice. After that you will be able to instantly tell a legitimate postcard notice from a fake one. Phony alerts like that are as stupid as telling people not to accept ANY money, because some hillbilly got caught printing $12 bills and some yahoos got stuck with them. DUH! Open your eyes and use common sense, and you won't have any problem with fake postcards or $12 bills. Have FUN! DearWebby
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It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Deeli's Kudos February 9, 2008 - Manchester, UK - Daily Mail Like most playgrounds, it is filled with smiling faces and laughter. But these faces have seen more of life than you might expect, and the laughter is a little more mature in tone. Britain's first playground for the over-60s opened in Manchester on Feb 2. Instead of slides and roundabouts, it is equipped with machines specially designed to provide gentle exercise for different parts of the body such as hips, legs and torso. The Massage offers upper body exercise, the Skate trains leg muscles, the Ski works the hips, while the Press tones the stomach and legs. There are also stations for pull-ups, push-ups and pedalling and, to stretch the mind as well as the body, engravings of quotes from famous philosophers dotted around the park. The playground, based on a German idea, was built by the residents' association in Dam Head Park, Blackley. It cost £15,000 and was funded by the local housing management company. Residents' association chairman Joan FitzGerald said: "When we tested it all the people we took in were over 70 and I have never heard so much laughing. I believe you are never too old to play and this also helps keep you fit." http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770

AKRON, OH - According to 44-year-old Karen Kershaw of Akron, the price of a used truck is $600 cash plus two sexual favors and four cartons of cigarettes (yes, cigarettes). These were the amounts to be paid to Rick Remmy, 39, only in the end she didn't get the truck. Now they're in Small Claims Court, where Karen wants her money back. A handwritten agreement outlined the values to be assigned to each item or act and bore what appeared to be Remmy's name at the bottom. Kershaw is asking for her money back and $14,700 in punitive damages because of the embarrassment she has suffered in having to file the lawsuit. A Municipal Judge is expected to rule in the next week whether the "contract" is legitimate and whether Kershaw should be tried for prostitution.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Potatoes Store potatoes in a cool (40F), dark place for months. Do not allow potatoes to freeze. Potatoes should be stored in a bin that is at least a few inches off the ground but not piled more than 18 inches deep. Where I grew up, most houses had a potato cellar that had at least a quarter of the floor just packed dirt. The rest, and walkways were concrete or boardwalks. Folk wisdom said that potatoes needed the gases emerging from the earth, otherwise they would not last until the next harvest. The potatoes were in wooden bins sitting on 2x4's. That trick worked fine for us and we always still had some old potatoes, when we started harvesting the new ones. Even if you can't grow potatoes, it's still worth storing them if you have a basement. By spring potatoes in the store often cost three times as much as at harvest time. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only ONE more day until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict, a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting with the Marines, called Chesty Puller, the legendary Marine warrior, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. "How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller. "Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer. "G*ddammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio." In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?" "Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?" "Colonel, we got a whole shitpot of Chinese up here!" "Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "at least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Air Show Action
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: No audio device found 



   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 12, 2008
Two days till GUILT day!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. --- Thomas Jones We are none of us infallible--not even the youngest of us. --- W. H. Thompson
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One hour later, they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

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Thanks to Irene for this story: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Geoffrey Fryatt, 57 of Brisbane, Australia Big Nuisance! February 9, 2008 - Brisbane, Australia - Ananova Australian police declared a state of emergency after a drunken man threatened to blow up half a city with his TV remote control. Geoffrey Fryatt, 57, who lived in a luxury golf resort in Brisbane, was arrested by paramilitary police after terrifying neighbours by threatening to detonate a store of chemicals with the remote. "One push of the button will blow up half of Brisbane," he shouted during a stand off with police. Fryatt's lawyer told the Brisbane District Court that his client lost control after losing much of his life savings in a fraud, reports the Brisbane Times. "People are genuinely scared of sudden explosions," the judge said before sentencing him to a year's probation. Fryatt was concerned the sentence could interrupt his plans to do humanitarian aid work overseas but the judge told him: "Let's get you right before we send you off to a third world country." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2719201.html?menu=
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: This orchid bloomed today:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Deanie Re: No Audio Device Dear Webby, I sure hope you can guide me to the right path back. I don't know what I had done, I not only lost the sound icon but have no sound at all. Up pops a note when I reboot telling me that they found hard ware to install, multimedia Audio controller and can't find it. I went to sounds to find I have no audio device, now where do I go and what can I do to get it back? Be ever so great full for your help. I so respect your advice. Thank you, Deanie Dear Deanie In the old days, that would have called for "Percussive Maintenance". Sound cards were actual cards that were sitting in slots on the motherboard. Due to heating and cooling they eventually wiggled part way out of the slot and had to be bashed back in. Nowadays, unless you have a fancy after-marked add-on sound card, the sound is taken care off right on the motherboard. Turn the computer off, but don't unplug it. You need the grounding. Open the side cover and touch the fan housing or any bare metal to safely discharge any static you may be carrying. Try to keep one hand or arm on bare metal at all times while working in a computer. Check all cards that you see and make sure they are seated as deep in the slots as they go. Close the cover and turn the computer back on. If it can find the audio device now, you have fixed the problem. If it still can't find it, your audio card and/or the motherboard needs to be replaced. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Deeli's Kudos February 11, 2008 - Tampa, Florida - Happy News Authorities say a Labrador retriever named Jet really can fly. The 65-pound dog survived a six story leap from a Tampa airport parking garage and lived. Police and Jet's owners and vet say the 2-year old accidentally leaped over a parking garage railing on New Year's Eve and walked away from the landing — 60 to 80 feet below. Jet spent the night at a vet's office with a collapsed lung and some cuts and bruises. But by the next day, the dog was getting antsy again. His owners are Clayton and Jessica Tieman of Largo. They named Jet for the sheen of his black fur, not for any flying abilities. They say their next dog will get a more earthly name, perhaps Scooter. Information from: The Tampa Tribune, http://www.tampatrib.com

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Valentine's Day Movies Studios release romantic movies around Valentine's Day. If romantic films aren't your cup of tea, pick a movie that you will both like. Or, rent the first movie you both watched together. Even if it was an action film, it should bring back fond memories. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only TWO more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.
After driving all night, a man arrived in a small town where he decided to stop in the local park and catch some sleep. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, was a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?" the jogger inquired. "Groggily, the man replied, "It's 6:27." The man closed his eyes and just as he dozed off there was another knock on the window. There stood another jogger who said, "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?", Struggling to keep up his spirits he replied, "It's 6:34." The man rolled up the window but realizing that this could go on indefinitely, he took paper and pen and created a sign which read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME." He stuck the sign in the window, closed his eyes, and was barely asleep when there came yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, there was another jogger. He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?" The jogger replied, "It's 6:42."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Marine Wildlife
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: How do I get rid of IE7? 



   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 11, 2008

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. --- G. K. Chesterton
Thanks to jrc for this classic: A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. " Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of beer every Saturday night. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

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A traveling salesman stops at a farm house and is talking with the farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt and suspenders. He says, "What the heck is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed, so my wife made him clothes to keep him warm. You think he looks funny now, you should see him try to hold a hen down with one foot and get his pants off with the other!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Ioan Colceriu, 55,Romania Not a rail rider! February 6, 2008 - Bucharest, Hungary - Reuters A Romanian train driver leapt aboard a runaway engine to stop it after having left the brake off in a station but was killed when the stunt backfired, railway police said Wednesday. Ioan Colceriu, 55, was at a train station in the central town of Odorheiu Secuiesc, when he realized he had forgotten some papers in the station office. He went to fetch them but forgot to put the hand brake on the engine. When the engine moved off without him, the driver flagged down a taxi and chased it for six km (3.7 miles) before catching up with it. He jumped aboard the moving engine but slipped and fell under its wheels, railway police said. The locomotive travelled another 26 miles before somebody stopped it. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0802 ... d_train_dc ---------------------------- Passenger trains in Europe have dead-man switches that bring the train to a screeching halt, if a certain combination of buttons is not pusched once per minute or two. Shuttle engines, that are used to assemble freight trains in the order that cars are dropped off, don't have those switches. I used to "ride the rails" when I was much younger, but I would never jump a locomotive. If there were no freight cars, then there was always another train coming soon. Jumping a loco was considered suicidal even way back then, no matter how many freights a guy had jumped. DearWebby
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture from the USO care package run to raise funds for sending care packages to soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq. Over 1000 riders participated.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick Re: How do I get rid of IE7 Dear Webby, I know your site advises to install the IE7 blocker. Unfortunately, before I could download the tool, my computer downloaded IE7. Am I stuck with it or is there a way to get rid of it? Thanks in advance. Love your informative and funny articles. Rick Dear Rick IE7 is just a skin over IE6. You can peel it off by uninstalling IE7 from Control Panel, Add/Remove software. Same as the Chinese made Maxthon browser, IE7 needs IE6 as the engine and won't run without IE6 under the hood. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning "Can't trust nobody no more!"

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Berlin, Germany - Reuters A German medical student got some unexpected practical experience at the zoo when she gave the kiss of life to a baby tiger choking on a piece of meat, the zoo director said Friday. The student was passing the enclosure with her toddler son on a visit several weeks ago when she noticed the 4-month-old tiger choking and offered her assistance to the helpless keeper, said Andreas Jacob, director of the zoo in the eastern German city of Halle. "The tiger tried to eat a piece of meat that was too big and started choking and shaking and then fell over," the student, Janine Bauer, told MDR radio. "We got the piece out but he wasn't breathing so I tried mouth-to-mouth and heart massage," she added. "After 3-5 minutes he came to, thank God." The zoo, which held a ceremony Friday to thank Bauer, has decided to call the tiger Johann, after her one-year-old son. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0802 ... d_tiger_dc

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Watch Shipping Charges With Online Auctions You can find good deals at online auctions but one trick that some sellers play is they offer a low bid price for the product, but have a really high shipping price. Never bid on an item until you have calculated the cost of your bid and the shipping charge. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.
Thanks to jrc for this story: Subject: How journalists see things A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says - "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." "It was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and SOMEBODY had to save her." "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know", the reporter said, "and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you drive?" "A Harley Davidson." The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: History of Mardi-Gras
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby, Will Microsoft enforce IE7 ? 



   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  February 10, 2008

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke
Thanks to Ross for this classic: Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.' 'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink, if you pay for the first 2.' 'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.' The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?' 'Not me me-self, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'but it happens to me sister every time she goes there.'

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Thanks to Paul for this letter: THE JOB - URINE TEST Like a lot of folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though . . . Something has to change in this country -- and soon! Paul ------------- Dear Paul Absolutely nothing is going to be accomplished by forwarding emails and preaching to the converted. You, or somebody, needs to start a "Pro-Test" movement, and ask the political bigshots, that are being a nuissance all over the country, what THEY are going to do about it. I am all in favor of "Pro-Test", but you will have to figure out a solution about what to do when people fail the test. Addicts will always neglect their kids tocater to their habits. You can't deny basic necessities to a single mother of 12, just because the test shows she is a crack addict. One possibility would be to scale back the benefits from Middleclass+ to Lower Working class, and let them earn bonuses with clean tests and community work. You will have to do it soon, though. Good Luck DearWebby Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mayor Finkbeiner of Toledo, Ohio Dumbest Pinko or Pinkest Dumbo? February 9, 2008 - Toledo, Ohio - Blade Staff Writer, JC Reindl The 200 members of Company A, 1st Battalion, 24th Marines, based in Grand Rapids, Mich., planned to spend their weekend engaged in urban patrol exercises on the streets of downtown as well as inside the mostly vacant Madison Building, 607 Madison Ave. Toledo police knew days in advance about their plans for a three-day exercise, however Mayor Finkbeiner ordered the Marines out yesterday afternoon, just minutes before their buses were to arrive. "The mayor ordered them to leave because they frighten people." Members of the 1st Battalion, 24th Marines have trained periodically in downtown Toledo since at 2004. The Reservists' visit was no surprise to Toledo police, who Tuesday issued a news release to media outlets on behalf of the Marines, that asked Toledoans not to be startled by the sight of camouflaged soldiers toting M16 rifles. Police officers were awaiting the Marines' arrival and had set up a roadblock at Madison Avenue and Huron Street to keep regular traffic out of the designated exercise area.. Sergeant Davis and other company leaders estimated the total cost of the aborted training exercise, including travel, at roughly $10,000.
Thanks to Jai for sending this picture of a white moose from near Ft St John, BC:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: BroJoe Re: IE7 enforced my Microsoft Dear Webby Your thoughts on this, please. BroJoe (.... a whole bunch of incorrect drivel from Microsoft sheep Erin at worldstart...) Dear BroJoe That is pure BS. We, amongst many others like the US Department of Defense banned IE7 from all of our computers. The writer of that lame drivel seems to be a particularly dumb sheep. To block IE7 you do NOT disable automatic updates and patches. You get the IE7 Blocker from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools, or search for it at Microsoft, but you don't turn off automatic updates to Windows! IE6 works fine, and so do about 50 other browsers. There is absolutely no need for IE7. Have FUN! DearWebby
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College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

Deeli's Kudos February 7, 2008 - Calgary, Canada - Canadian Press A Calgary woman narrowly avoided getting hit by several chunks of ice that crashed through her bedroom ceiling Thursday morning, likely dropped from a passing airplane. The city fire department says the woman was in the room and only a few steps away when debris "exploded" from the roof shortly before 9:30 a.m. Fire crews found several chunks of ice about 15 centimetres long on the bed, along with pieces of shingles, plywood, drywall and insulation. The best guess is the "frozen liquid" fell from a passing airplane. And fire department spokesman Jeff Budai says he can't think of anything else that would cause such damage. The Transportation Safety Board of Canada is looking into the incident and confirms that a couple of airplanes were in the area at the time. http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/080207/K020704AU.html

Thanks to Unc Wes for this report: In response to complaints by Rev. Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that there are not enough illegal immigrants appearing on TV, the Network has decided that in the future " America's Most Wanted".... will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Serving Food at Parties Put food out in smaller batches and replace it as it runs out. That way, the first food is just as good as the last. If food needs to be left out for long periods of time, make sure it is properly cooled or kept warm using either ice or warming trays. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: History of Mardi-Gras
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Dear Webby, how to align pictures in email? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 9, 2008

A veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ' The United States of America', for an amount of 'up to and including his life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.
Thanks to Martin for this quiz: In case you don't ace it, the answer is near the end.

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "That would be 4, I think." "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chris Foster of Dorset, UK Low Key February 7, 2008 - Dorset, UK - Ananova A drunk student swallowed his room key so his friends couldn't take him home and put him to bed. When Chris Foster woke up, after sleeping on a friend's sofa, he had no recollection of the incident. After telling doctors what may have happened, the computer design student underwent an x-ray and was stunned to see the two-inch Yale key lying in the pit of his stomach. Medics told him to let nature take its course - and the key emerged 31 hours later. Chris cleaned it up and put it back on his keyring. Chris said: "I slept on a friend's sofa that night and I couldn't find it anywhere the next day. I thought it was a bit of a wind up when my friend said that I had swallowed it. "But my throat started to feel very sore and my stomach didn't feel right so my friend took me to hospital on the bus. "I was stunned when I first saw the key in my stomach but then couldn't stop laughing - even the doctors were sniggering." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2716175.html?menu=
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: Pictures in email Dear Webby two questions.how can you enlarge a picture that is on an email you are sending, and why won't my stamp stay on the right side of the email ? as soon as i touch a key,it slides to the left side. thanks again, daniel, Dear Daniel You can't enlarge pictures in email after you have pasted them. You have to make them larger before you paste them. To make a picture stay on the right side, with Eudora you highlight the picture, then click on the Right-Align button. DearWebby
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Deeli's Kudos WEYMOUTH, Mass. A 27-year-old man who fell through the ice while walking home in the dark survived the frigid plunge thanks to a neighbor who skidded across the pond in a canoe. Rescuers and neighbors could hear Jason Dubois' cries for help but could not initially see him in the dark at 2 a.m. Sunday as he was treading water in Whitman's Pond in Weymouth. ''It was very disturbing. He was saying, 'I'm going down. Don't let me die.' It was really scary,'' neighbor John Volta said. ''I just grabbed the canoe and went off like on a skateboard out to him and then the ice started to crack, so I just pushed it as far as I could and then the fireman came up beside me.'' Volta was treated for hypothermia and released from a local hospital. Authorities say they were lucky to have the canoe to help the rescue. A fire station a half-mile from the pond has an ice boat, but the station was closed because of budget constraints. http://www.happynews.com/news/1282008/m ... d-pond.htm ----------------------- A canoe is actually a bad idea, it's keel ridge puts all the weight onto a very small area. The best ice rescue tool, aside from the safety ropes, is an air mattress with a thin sheet of plywood on top. A twin size air mattress distributes the weight so well, that half an inch of ice is plenty to carry me and another person quite safely. DearWebby

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Caulking and Stain Patch any caulking that is missing or damaged around your house or chimney. If you have a wood fence, deck or outdoor furniture you should inspect it in the spring to see if you are going to need to re-stain it. Staining your outdoor furniture and fencing will dramatically increase their lifetime. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Salt Industry
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Dear Webby: Vista problem 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 8, 2008
Wear sometghing red to show your support for the troops!


A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. --- William S. Burroughs Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes. --- Aaron McGruder
Message to JR: The sniveling ninnies at cableone.net messed up your subscription, again. Time to get a decent email provider like gmail. There is never any complaint from the many Thousands of subscribers who use gmail, because it is more reliable than their ISP. Good luck! DearWebby
Thanks to Ross for this story: An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

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Someone said this to me today, and I about laffed myself silly. Maybe you can clean it up a tad and use it. Jai...>^.^<... "Opinions are like asses. Everybody has one, And nobody thinks their's stinks." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nationwide Collection Agency Expensive Collection February 1, 2008 - Buffalo, New York - AP A collection agency tried to collect a $16.96 debt with a letter that addressed its recipient with a four-letter word for excrement. "Dear S---," began the letter attempting to collect from an old record club membership. The word was spelled out in the letter, which arrived in an envelope addressed to "S--- Face." "I've never seen anything quite so brazen," said attorney Kenneth Hiller. Under U.S. law, debt collectors are not allowed to use profanity to collect a debt, Hiller said, nor are they supposed to threaten legal action over such a small amount. Nationwide President Phillip McGarvey said the October 2007 letter was automatically generated . "S--- Face" is the name under which the account was opened and the way the coupon to start the club was filled out, he said. Hiller's client has signed an affidavit saying he never signed up for the music club membership under that name. http://www.wral.com/news/strange/story/2386078/
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Klaus Re: Vista Problem Dear Webby As per usual when I have a problem I turn to you for your always great advice. I ran Spybot yesterday and it came up with a the following problem 'Microsoft Windows Security Center. Task Manager'. Spybot has never identified this problem before. Spybot could not get rid of it and I am wondering if that is part of Microsoft Vista or if in fact I need to get rid of it. If so, how? Thanks Klaus Dear Klaus We don't allow Vista onto or near any Webby machine, and I still recommend getting rid of Vista and using XP. If you insist on using Vista anyway, you are on your own. Good Luck! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Recently, a young woman came into my father's insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Benjamin and that one is Elizabeth."

Deeli's Kudos February 6, 2008 - Pella, Iowa - ABC News It was a script from "The Millinaire" come to life for a couple named Alissa and Barry as they ate last Thursday at Dr. Salami's Cafe in Pella, Iowa. "He basically just came into the restaurant and started talking to us," Barry said. "He was most interested in whether we had any children." After they replied that Alissa did indeed have a 2-year-old child, the man slid a check across the table and asked the couple to fill out the check with any amount they wished. The two assumed he was joking and made the check out for $100,000. The benefactor signed the check and said, "I'm good for it," Alissa said. The next day Alissa and Barry were unsure of what they were going to do with the check. "We're either going to throw it away or try it. Let's give it a whirl," Barry said." So they endorsed it and, to their stunned delight, the check actually cleared and they received the gift of a lifetime. There were conditions on their enjoying the money. They were not to reveal their last names or to identify the source of the money. They were to use the cash to buy or build a house. And if they have a child together, they must name the child after the benefactor. The man told them that he regretted that he had never had grandchildren, which was why he asked them to name their next child after him, Alissa and Barry said. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4237663

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Since I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flip The Script For Valentine's Day For guys (or gals) who don't cook a lot, take it upon yourself to cook a Valentine's dinner for your significant other. Try cooking your partner's favorite dish. Even if the meal turns out less than perfect, the thoughtfulness and effort will be appreciated. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Guppies Galore
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Dear Webby: Can't delete hotmails 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 6, 2008

Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records. --- William Arthur Ward
Thanks to Wendy for sending this story: A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The taxi driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Ted Kennedy. They are asking for a $1 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The cabbie asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'Oh, about a gallon.'

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Thanks to Roland for this story: Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me. "Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?" My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven Zahorsky, 24, in Stamford, Connecticut Expensive ad! February 1, 2008 - Stamford, Connecticut - AP If you're looking to sell high-grade marijuana, Craigslist may not be the place to do it. A man learned that the hard way when the "buyer" who contacted him turned out to be an undercover officer, Stamford police said. Police said Steven Zahorsky, 24, posted an ad for "Mary Jane in Fairfield County." The ad offered a half-ounce of "A plus" marijuana for $220 and the same amount of "B plus" marijuana for $160. Stamford Lt. Jon Fontneau said officers spotted the ad and responded, claiming to be a painting crew interested in buying drugs during a work break. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22958359/
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Can't delete hotmail mails Dear Webby; I have a hotmail account well I have two of them, one is working fine, but the second one is not. In that I delete messages from my inbox but then they reappear the next time I open up the inbox, consequently I have 400 some messages in this particular hotmail account. Microsoft has not been much help, to say the least. Thanks Mike Dear Mike Maybe it's time to leave ho'mail to the kids, and graduate to gmail. You knew that sooner or later you would get fed up enough to finally graduate, so you might as well do it now. I will send you a referral. It is totally free. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: My friend, Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to referee an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign that read: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only!" As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message, written in Braille.

Deeli's Kudos January 31, 2008 - Tokyo, Japan - AFP A bottled card released in the sea by children has been returned nearly three decades later. Inside, was found a card sent in 1979 from middle-school students some 1,200 kilometres away in western Japan as part of a class science project. It arrived on Tuesday at the school in Tottori, where the current class of students aged 13-15 were half the age of the card. Students of the school released 5,500 bottles into the Tsushima Straits between western Japan and the Korean Peninsula over a period of 11 years from the early 1970s to study sea currents and Japan's relations with the rest of Asia. Toshio Enjo, a 75-year-old former school teacher who led the project, said the return of the card was "unbelievable." He said the school got 760 replies from the bottles with the last one coming some 20 years ago. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080131/o ... on_offbeat

Thanks to oredwine for bringing back this classic: Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then, unfortunately, Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history......................

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fish Buying Tips Fish meat should be firm, not soft or mushy. Fish eyes should be shiny and protrude from the fish. If they are dull or sunken, the fish should be avoided. The fish should smell fresh and not overly fishy or musty. The skin should have a nice sheen and the scales should not be coming off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Keli and Greg were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," said Greg in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." Keli agreed and, like the dear she is, insisted Greg go first. "I'm wrong," Greg said. With a twinkle in her eye, Keli responded, "You're right!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Happy new year for China!
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Dear Webby: Opera is now free, but can't handle RoboForm yet 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 6, 2008

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Thanks to Roland for this report: I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search." "Okay," I said. "I'll take one." He rummaged under his counter, then went to ask some other clerks, who did the same -- only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms."

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Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Time Warner Cable Dumb Customer Relations move February 1, 2008 - Wheatland, Wisconsin - AP Having a tornado demolish her home was bad enough. But weeks later when Ann Beam received a $2,000 cable bill for destroyed equipment, she was floored. Time Warner Cable billed a number of Wheatland residents for equipment damaged in the Jan. 7 twister. Beam's bill covered five cable boxes and five remote controls. She immediately called the cable company. "They said I would have to take the bill and turn it in to my insurance company." But her cable equipment was nine years old and the insurance company would pay only a depreciated value. Beam's case was a misunderstanding, Time Warner Cable spokeswoman Celeste Flynn said. Some customers were charged for unreturned equipment but only because they cancelled or transferred their service without mentioning the tornado, she said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0802 ... ll_tornado
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: This red passion bloomed this evening.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Many Re: Opera is free Dear Webby; Opera is now free and without ads! Thanks to all who wrote! Yes Opera is now indeed free and without ads. I downloaded the newest version today. Opera doesn't work yet with RoboForm, but seems fine for mild and casual browsing. For serious browsing or work, where RoboForm plays an important role, Opera and WebTV are not quite ready yet. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action. When I arrived, I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he said.

Deeli's Kudos February 5, 2008 - Kansas City, Missouri - UPI An 80-year-old Kansas City, Mo., woman lost her purse in a scuffle with an 18-year-old man, but was able to grab the thief's gun, authorities said. The woman grabbed the shotgun after the attacker dropped it during the fight. She threatened to shoot, but she did not follow through on the threat and the thief got away with the purse. A witness directed police to a nearby apartment building, where officers were able to follow a trail of footprints in the snow to an apartment where they found suspect Dandre Bell. Officers said Bell was carrying the victim's checks in his pocket, and the missing purse was found on the apartment landing. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-296476-492455

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Working With Glitter If you are working with glitter or other small material for crafts, be sure to put down a piece of newspaper before you start working. Then when you are done, you can form the newspaper into a funnel and pour the extra back into the glitter container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Laura was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc. And Laura wondered if she was going to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Laura, you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in "And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin." "Don't bother with the aspirin," Laura replied. "It's obvious with these many kids that I've never had a headache."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Connie and quite a few others for today's Bonus Link: Super Bowl Ads and spoofs
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby: MSIE crashes at Google, anti-Google bug ? 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 5, 2008

Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage the morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged. --Abraham Lincoln
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!! I wish I'd thought of this. Cookie At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three year old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said "I want to see how you drink like a fish."

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Thanks to Marg for this report: For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. As for the use of catnip as a reward or an enticement, that is being hotly debated. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk driver in Minnesota Maximizing jail time January 31, 2008 - Wilton, Minnesota - AP Chase Torgerson and Cody Charpentier were driving along a highway near Wilton when they saw a car fly through the air and crash into a median. They jumped out to help only to turn around moments later and see one of the passengers from the crashed car hop into Torgerson's vehicle and peel away. And, to make matters worse, the car thief rolled Torgerson's car, totalling it, just about 800 yards down the road on Highway 2. Torgerson, who has had National Guard training, began tending to an injured passenger who was dangling out of two blown-out windows. He even put his own gloves on the victim and, with wind chills at minus-34 degrees, he used his bare hand to call 911 with his cell phone. Once Torgerson's car was totaled, the car thief ran away. Authorities used a police dog to find the driver, who was hiding under a semitrailer truck. Wittenberg said all three people in the first vehicle were "heavily intoxicated." http://wcco.com/watercooler/car.crash.v ... 42760.html
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSIE crashing at Google Dear Webby; Again as usual you had some funny jokes today. I also liked the tech suggestion. I saved it as sometimes I too get the wrong address show up in the auto fill. I have a question about Internet Explorer 6. I have a gmail address. When I get in to to read my mail I get an error box that tells me internet explorer has encountered a problem & must close. This does not happen when I'm in hotmail nor in yahoo mail programs. I do not know who to contact about this as I have had a hard time trying to contact gmail & get answers from them. Do you have any suggestions about this? Thanks for your help. Sharon Dear Sharon I found this: "This is a known bug in handling JavaScript that Microsoft introduced in several IE6 security updates, while trying to fix a different JavaScript handling bug. See bug report KB940072. Bug is actually triggered by the JScript usage of the web page that precedes the page where the crash occurs. A hotfix is available. IE7 has a similar startup crash problem but caused by a different .dll. Even though some people call it the "anti-Google bug", it's not. MSIE crashes at other pages too." Sharon, I have mine on automatic update with IE7 locked out, and it seems to have gotten updated in time and I never experienced any of those browser crashes. You can also use other browsers for those sites that the Microsoft browser can't handle. FireFox is quite good, Opera is excellent, but not free, Maxthon, the Chinese MSIE clone, has some MSIE bugs fixed, but not all. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk ." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers. He got an A for it.

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Medford, Wisconsin - AP A Wisconsin man says his trusty pickup is on the verge of making history. Frank Oresnik says his 1991 Chevy Silverado is about to pass the one million mile mark. He says the truck is 1,200 miles (1,930 kilometres) from a million. He plans to retire the vehicle once it hits the milestone. Oresnik credits proper maintenance and luck for allowing the truck to roll up so many miles. He bought the Silverado in June 1996 after the original owner put 41,000 miles ( 66,000 kilometres) on it. General Motors and Shell are said to be interested in examining the engine. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0802 ... mile_truck

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me." The bartender says, "It won't work." "What do you mean, it won't work?" "That woman," says the barkeep, "is hard-hearted and hostile. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!" "Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?" "Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly." "So, what the hell is Jewish fly?" "I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?" "Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink. Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! .......You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get More Life Out of Sandpaper Just because a sandpaper has become flat doesn't necessarily mean it's worn out. The sandpaper may just be clogged with sawdust. Try removing the sawdust with a soft bristled brush. A suede brush made with brass wire or brass plated steel wire works very well for reviving sand paper, even if it is clogged with not completely dry glue or paint. The wire is harder than the glue, but softer than the grit. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctors would watch this guy do this day after day. One doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Organic Food Companies
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby, how do I hide recipient addresses? 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 4, 2008

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. --- Benjamin Disraeli,
Thanks to Dianne for this wise advice: Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married... The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos— MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem annoyed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, farted and tripped over the coffee table.
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the woods. The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said nothing. His opponent looked at him for a moment and then remarked, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."

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Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve? A: Until he gets caught. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Westboro Perverts Gross Insanity Now that the Westboro Perverts can't protest at hero's funerals any more, because they would get arrested, IF they make it through the shield of the Patriot Riders, they are going to Berkeley and protest the Marine recruiting office. The Westboro perverts are going to protest because the Marines were forced by the ACLU and the Senate to stop openly discriminating against homosexuals, AND they are going to protest against the Pinkos, because those are protesting that the Marines don't welcome homosexuals. "WBC will picket the Marine recruiting office & Code Pink. WBC will picket the downtown Marine recruiting office in Berkeley - at noon, Mon., Feb. 11 - in religious protest and warning." DUH! I think the gene pool needs more chlorine.
Thanks to my dad for these pictures: They are from his kitchen in Austria to a mountain in Switzerland with the window of the mountaintop restaurant reflecting the sun. The distance is about 30 miles. The precise angles necessary for that window to reflect into his kitchen happens once a year for about a minute. As you can see from the slight window reflection of another window in the upper left corner, he didn't waste half a minute to run outside, but shot the picture right through the kitchen window. And with full zoom:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jeanne Re: Hiding recipient addresses Dear Webby, My question is how do you forward a list of information or jokes to list of friends without it showing up on the To: or Cc: I want it to go out without them seeing who I sent it to. Thanks, Jeanne, From London Dear Jeanne Look for the BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) The BCC addresses don't show to other recipients. Make sure you put your own address into the TO, otherwise your mail will look like spam and be filtered out by a lot of mail services. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Maryland Heights, Missouri - AP It looks like a couple of suburban St. Louis purse snatchers picked the wrong women to attack. The victims fought back - with a snow shovel. Police in Maryland Heights released details of the incident outside a Schnucks grocery store. The women were unloading groceries when the thieves tried to steal two purses from their cart. One of the women grabbed a shovel from the suspects' pickup and smacked one of the men upside the head. The other woman jumped into the cab and beat up the other suspect, then grabbed the keys so he couldn't drive away. Police tracked the men to a hotel. The man struck with the shovel required staples to close the gash in his head. Both are jailed and charged with robbery. http://www.examiner.com/a1196240~Women_ ... ss-Strange

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Give A Live Plant Instead Of A Bouquet Instead of a flower bouquet that will be wilted and in the trash in a week or two, consider buying a plant. It could be a houseplant or something to plant in the yard in the spring. You can enclose a card saying, "Watch our love grow!" And if the plant dies, you can razz them all year long! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little Red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says, "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a firefighter, and this is my fire truck!" The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. "Thanks, mister," says the little girl. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Organic Food Companies
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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