Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 31

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Home invader arrested after elerly man knocks
her down and holds her until cops arrive,
after she had bloodied his wife with a club
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 31 in
1977 The trans-Alaska oil pipeline was finished after 
3 years of construction. It still works just fine.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



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please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Skill Without Imagination Is Craftsmanship And Gives Us
Many Useful Objects Such As Wickerwork Picnic Baskets.
Imagination Without Skill Gives Us Modern Art.
--- Tom Stoppard
______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________

A Couple Drove Down A Country Road For Several Miles,
Not Saying A Word.

An Earlier Discussion Had Led To An Argument And Neither
Of Them Wanted To Concede Their Position.  As They Passed
A Barnyard Of Mules, Goats, And Pigs, The Husband Asked
Sarcastically, "Relatives Of Yours?"

"Yep," The Wife Replied, "In-Laws."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks To Mary Fields For This Story:
This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In
Las Vegas But There Are More Catholic Churches There
Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshippers At Sunday Services
Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket
Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From So Many Different Casinos, The
Churches Have  Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.
The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby
Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are
Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.

This Is Done By The Chip Monk!
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


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Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Rehnu Singh,
50,
San Jose,
California

Home Invader Arrested After Elerly Man Knocks
Her Down And Holds Her Until Cops Arrive
After She Had Bloodied His Wife With A Club

An Elderly Man Who Said He Pleaded To No Avail For Help From
Bystanders Managed To Beat Back His Wife’S Alleged Assailant
Sunday Night, Holding Down The Suspect In Front Of His Home
Until Santa Clara County Sheriff’S Deputies Arrived And
Arrested Her.

Yousef Youkhaneh, 82, Told This News Organization That After
Wrestling With The Home Invader And Being Dragged Onto Mckee
Road In Front Of His Home, He Looked Up Only To See People
Slow Down Their Cars Not To Help, But To Take Photos Of The
Struggle, Then Drive On. No One Stopped To Give Him Aid, He
Said.

"I Said, "Call Police, Somebody Help Me! I Am Tired,"
Youkhaneh Recalled From His Backyard Monday Afternoon, Where
The Incident Began. "Nobody Did Anything."

After 10 Minutes, He Said, Santa Clara County Sheriff’S
Deputies Arrived To Arrest Rehnu Singh, A 50-Year-Old San Jose
Woman Already On Probation For Burglary. She Was Booked Into
Santa Clara County Jail For Investigation Of Elder Abuse,
Assault With A Deadly Weapon, Attempted Burglary And Probation
Violation, Said Sheriff’S Sgt. Richard Glennon.

Glennon Said Sheriff’S Deputies Had Been Called Around 5:50
P.M. In Response To An Apparent Assault Of A Woman By A Man In
The Street, But Soon Discovered Otherwise.

Youkhaneh Said He Was Inside His Home Going Over Paperwork
When He Heard His Wife Screaming For Help Outside The Door To
The Couple’S Backyard. He Rushed Out To See His 76-Year-Old
Wife Christina Youkhaneh With A Bloodied Head After Singh Had
Allegedly Hit Her With A Heavy Branch. The Gash Required Eight
Stitches.

Drops Of His Wife’S Blood Were Still Visible On The Back Door
And Pavement Monday As He Recalled Her Laying On The Ground,
Exhorting Him Not To Let Singh Get Away.

"She Had Tools In Her Hand And She Tried To Hit Me," Said The
Retired Auto Body Shop Owner, Showing Bite Marks Left On His
Hand From The Attack. "But I Didn’T Let Her Go."

As They Headed Out Along His Driveway That Leads Straight Into
Traffic, Youkhaneh Managed To Grab Singh’S Ankle. By The Time
They Got To The Sidewalk Bordering The Traffic, "I Fell Down
And She Fell Down," He Said, Lifting His Left Pant Leg To Show
His Skinned Knee. "But I Didn’T Let Her Go. I Held Onto Her
With All My Power."

Singh Screamed To Witnesses:  "I Didn’T Do It; The Man Did
It!" Youkhaneh Said. He Looked Up And Saw People — Across The
Street, On The Sidewalk, And Many Slowing Down Their Cars To
Take Photos With Their Phones, And He Called For Help.

"Why Didt They Help?" He Asked Monday. "What Kind Of People
Is This Taking Pictures? Maybe Someday It Happens To Them."

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Yahoos
Re: Switch to regular font size
Dear Webby
How Do I Switch From Large To Regular Font?

Similar Messages From Various Yahoos.

Dear Yahoos
You Got The Regular Version.
Possibly You Turned The Mouse Scroll Wheel While Holding The
Ctrl Or Sgrg Key, Or Since This Affected Only Yahoos, Possibly
It Was Something Yahoo Did.

Just Use The Ctrl Key And The Scroll Wheel To 
Zoom The Font To A Comfortable Size.

By The Way, Any Yahoos Or Hotmail Victims, If You Experience
Irregtularities With The Newsletter Delivery, Just Switch To A
More Respectable Address, Like For Example A Gmail Address.
You Don't Have To Give Up The Old A Ddress, Just Get The Gmail
Address On The Side.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Thanks To Cookie For The Rules She Lives By:
If A Motorist Cuts You Off, Just Turn The Other Cheek.
Nothing Gets The Message Across Like A Good Mooning.

Follow Your Dream! Unless It's The One Where You're At Work
In Your Underwear During A Fire Drill.

Don't Assume Malice For What Stupidity Can Explain.
(That's About Aol Tech Support)

One Good Turn Gets Most Of The Blankets.

Marriage Is The Triumph Of Imagination Over Intelligence.
Second Marriage Is The Triumph Of Hope Over Experience.

Before Marriage, A Man Yearns For The Woman He Loves.
After Marriage, The 'Y' Becomes Silent.

You Never Really Learn To Swear Until You Learn To Drive.
(The Corollary Is: You Never Learn To Pray Until Your Kids
Learn To Drive!)

A Man Usually Feels Better After A Few Winks,
Especially If She Winks Back.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Ham and Cheese Popovers
By Lalala... [824 Posts, 106 Comments]
Ingredients:
1 Can Refrigerated Crescent Roll Dough (6 Crescents)
1 Cup Chopped Ham (I Used Black Forest Deli Ham)
1 Cup Cheddar Cheese, Shredded

Directions:
Preheat The Oven To 425 Degrees F. Spray Muffin Pan With A
Non-Stick Spray.
Unroll The Crescent Dough And Separate Them Along The Precut
Lines. Divide The Ham And Cheese Equally On To Each Crescent
Triangle.

Starting At The Wide End, Roll Up Each Crescent, Finishing At
The Pointy End. You Can Trim Off The Excess Dough On The End,
I Just Push It Down Into The Center Of The Roll.

Place The Popovers Into Prepared Muffin Pan And Bake For 10
Minutes Or Until Puffy And Golden Brown.

Servings:6
Prep Time:10 Minutes
Cooking Time:10 Minutes
Source: "Cook It In A Cup" Cookbook


 
Lemur wants to be petted 
____________________________________________________

A Husband Read An Article To His Wife About How Many Words
Women Use A Day...
30,000 To A Man's 15,000.

The Wife Replied, "The Reason Has To Be Because We Have To
Repeat Everything To Men.

The Husband Then Turned To His Wife And Asked, "What?"
___________________________________________________


 
Let's arm chair travel today.

A Kleptomaniac Woman Had Been Caught Shoplifting In A
Supermarket And Had  To Appear In Court, Taking Along Her
Long-Suffering Husband For Marital Support.

The Prosecution Proved That The Theft Had Taken Place So
The Judge Told   Her That, Considering Her Record, He Was
Forced To Impose A Jail Term.

"This Time You Stole A Can Of Tomatoes.  Let Us Suppose
That There Were  Six Tomatoes In The Can.  Do You Agree?"

The Woman Agreed.

"Then I Sentence You To Six Nights In Jail."

The Husband Jumped To His Feet, Addressing The Judge,
"Your Honor, May I   Approach The Bench?"

"Well," Said His Honor, This Is Somewhat Unusual But I Will
Make An Exception In This Case.  You May Approach The
Bench."

The Husband Wasted No Time Getting There And, Leaning
Forward, He Whispered, "She Also Stole A Can Of Peas."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


A Man Is Driving With His Wife At His Side And His
Mother-In-Law In The Backseat.

The Women Just Won't Leave Him Alone.

His Mother-In-Law Says, "You're Driving Too Fast!"

His Wife Says, "Stay More To The Left."

After Ten Mixed Orders, The Man Turns To His Wife And
Asks, "Who's Driving This Car - You Or Your Mother?"

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 31
1433 Sigismund Was Crowned Emperor Of Rome. 

1859 In London, Big Ben Went Into Operation. 

1870 E.J. Desemdt Patented Asphalt. 

1884 Dr. John Harvey Kellogg Patented "Flaked Cereal." 

1889 In Johnstown, Pa, More Than 2,200 People Died After The
South Fork Dam Collapsed. 

1900 U.S. Troops Arrived In Peking To Help Put Down The Boxer
Rebellion. 

1902 The Boer War Ended Between The Boers Of South Africa And
Great Britain With The Treaty Of Vereeniging. 

1907 The First Taxis Arrived In New York City. They Were The
First In The United States. 

1909 The National Association For The Advancement Of Colored
People (Naacp) Held Its First Conference. 

1910 The Union Of South Africa Was Founded. 

1913 The 17th Amendment Went Into Effect. It Provided For
Popular Election Of U.S. Senators. 

1915 A German Zeppelin Made An Air Raid On London. 

1927 Ford Motor Company Produced The Last "Tin Lizzie" In Order
To Begin Production Of The Model A. 

1929 In Beverly, Ma, The First U.S. Born Reindeer Were Born. 

1943 "Archie" Was Aired On The Mutual Broadcasting System For
The First Time. 

1947 Communists Seized Control Of Hungary. 

1955 The U.S. Supreme Court Ordered That All States Must End
Racial Segregation "With All Deliberate Speed." 

1961 South Africa Became An Independent Republic. 

1962 Adolf Eichmann Was Hanged In Israel. Eichmann Was A Gestapo
Official And Was Executed For His Actions In The Nazi Holocaust.


1970 An Earthquake In Peru Killed Tens Of Thousands Of People. 

1974 Israel And Syria Signed An Agreement On The Golan Heights. 

1977 The Trans-Alaska Oil Pipeline Was Finished After 3 Years Of
Construction. It Still Works Just Fine.

1979 Zimbabwe Proclaimed Its Independence. 

1994 The U.S. Announced It Was No Longer Aiming Long-Range
Nuclear Missiles At Targets In The Former Soviet Union. 

2003 In North Carolina, Eric Robert Rudolph Was Captured. He Had
Been On The Fbi's 10 Most Wanted List For Five Years For Several
Bombings Including The 1996 Olympic Bombing.

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 30

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
PA grave robber arrested for assaulting 
man with cerebral palsy.
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 30 in
1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, 
France, at the age of 19. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



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please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind 
with an open one.
--- Malcolm Forbes (1919 - 1990)

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life 
exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has 
tried to contact us.
--- Bill Watterson (1958 - )

The right to be heard does not automatically include
the right to be taken seriously.
--- Hubert H. Humphrey
______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________

>From Dave:
A property manager of single-family residence was showing
a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one
morning when he observed very closely the ordinance of
baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it,
and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three
cats in the bathtub.

The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but
the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed
and tore him, and got away. With considerable effort he
caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But
she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and
scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he
dropped her on the floor in disgust and said:
"Fine, just be a Methodist."
______________________________________________________




Oops-fergot-to-hold-it-with-both-hands!
_____________________________________________________


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Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Barry Baker, 
29,
West Chester,
Pennsylvania

PA  veteran's grave robber arrested for assaulting 
man with cerebral palsy.

The Pennsylvania dirtbag arrested for sucker punching a man
with cerebral palsy is actually a worse person than he
appears, records show.

Barry Baker, 29, was charged earlier this month with battery
for an unprovoked 2:30 AM attack outside a 7-Eleven in West
Chester (where Baker has lived and worked for a tow company).
As seen in the above surveillance video, Baker, an ex-con,
walloped the 22-year-old victim after mocking the way the man
walked.



Though Baker--charged with assault, harassment, and disorderly
conduct--was initially released on $25,000 bail, he will soon
return to jail after a judge this week issued an arrest
warrant charging him with violating his probation.

According to court records, Baker was placed on three years
probation in October 2015 for violating terms of a probation
sentence imposed following his conviction for theft from a
motor vehicle. In addition to his arrest this month, Baker
allegedly violated his probation by not paying restitution,
fines, and court costs of nearly $4500.

Baker’s rap sheet includes convictions for theft, forgery,
conspiracy, and receiving stolen property. The latter count
stemmed from Baker’s involvement in a crime on par with
punching a guy with cerebral palsy in the face.

In 2007, Baker pleaded guilty to his role in the theft of
hundreds of bronze flag holders that marked the graves of
veterans at two Pennsylvania cemeteries. Baker and his
accomplices stole the markers so that they could be sold as
scrap metal. Police recovered nearly 250 flag holders--worth
about $10,000--from a Pennsylvania scrap company.

Baker, who was charged with 143 counts of intentional
desecration of a venerated object, pleaded guilty to felony
conspiracy and receiving stolen property counts. He was
sentenced to a minimum of eleven-and-a-half months in jail and
a maximum of 23 months in custody. He was also ordered to
participate in a drug or alcohol treatment program and undergo
a mental health evaluation. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Elsinore
Re: How to choose domain names
Dear Webby
I know you mentioned it before, but I didn't need that info
at the time and did not save it. What's to watch out for
when choosing a domain name?
Thanks
Elsinore

Dear Elsinore
Above all, a domain name has to be memorable.
It should be short enough and clear enough, so that
you can shout it across a street or meeting room,
and have people remember it correctly.

Also make sure that the extension is a ".com" or a ".biz".
".com" is what people type on autopilot, without thinking.
That is the most valuable one.
"biz" is memorable enough that it works nearly as well.
The name registration cost is the same. We charge
$12 for ".com", "biz", ".net", ".org" and some of the less
useful ones that I don't recommend.

To test memorability, sing a name in the shower. If it
sounds silly or awkward, try something else. If it sounds
good and does not make you stumble, or cringe, then
you have a winner. I have recommended that for over
ten years and it has helped countless people to find
a good name.

You can always Skype me and tell me what you have in mind,
and I'll help you find a short and memorable name.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see
her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual
questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my
patients these kind of questions: I can tell
what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote
out a prescription, and handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work,
we'll have to have you put down."



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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Baby Clothes
Quite often when you buy or are given baby or toddler
clothes they come in outfits. A matching top and bottom,
maybe even with a matching hat. One way to keep these items
together is to fold them and put them in large zip-lock bags
before putting them away. You will be able to easily see
the outfit and the bags and be used over and over again.


 
drunk driver drives through Russian airport
____________________________________________________

A pastor went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a
pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses
improved his vision considerably, but whenever he looked
through the top portion of the glasses he got dizzy.

He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were
causing problems, then said, "I hope you will excuse my
continually removing my glasses. You see when I look
down I can see fine, but when I look at you,
it makes me sick."
___________________________________________________


 
This is what Memorial Day is about, let us remember them.


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we can sell at a profit.
Mrs Beasly, please wake up your husband!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


A man's car breaks down right in front of a farm and
he's trying to fix it when he hears a voice coming
behind him, "You have water in the gas tank." The man
turns around and all he sees is a cow from the farm.

He goes back to his car and again the same voice says,
"You have water in the gas tank."

The man turns around again and he sees nothing and
nobody except the cow, and the voice defintiely came
from the cow, "You have water in the gas tank."

The man is shocked so he knocks on the door of the
farmer's house. When the farmer answers the door the
man says, "The cow talked to me and said I had water in
my gas tank. He can talk?"

The farmer replied, "Ignore her, that cow barely understands
Diesel engines and doesn't have a clue about gas engines."

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 30
1416 Jerome of Prague was burned as a heretic by the Church. 

1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, at
the age of 19. 

1539 Hernando de Soto, the Spanish explorer, landed in Florida
with 600 soldiers to search for gold. 

1814 The First Treaty of Paris was declared, which returned
France to its 1792 borders. 

1848 W.G. Young patented the ice cream freezer. 

1868 Memorial Day was observed widely for the first time in
the U.S. 

1883 Twelve people were trampled to death in New York City in
a stampede after a rumor that the Brooklyn Bridge was in
danger of collapsing. 

1896 The first automobile accident occurred in New York City. 

1903 In Riverdale, NY, the first American motorcycle hill
climb was held. 

1911 Ray Harroun won the first Indianapolis 500. At the time,
it was known as International 500-Mile Sweepstakes Race.
Harroun's average speed was 74.59 miles per hour. 

1912 The U.S. Marines were sent to Nicaragua to protect
American interests. 

1913 The First Balkan War ended. 

1921 The U.S. Navy transferred the Teapot Dome oil reserves to
the Department of the Interior. 

1933 Sally Rand introduced her exotic and erotic fan dance to
audiences at Chicago’s Century of Progress Exposition.

1943 American forces secured the Aleutian island of Attu from
the Japanese during World War II. 

1958 Unidentified soldiers killed in World War II and the
Korean conflicts were buried at Arlington National Cemetery. 

1967 Daredevil Evel Knievel jumped 16 automobiles in a row in
a motorcycle stunt at Ascot Speedway in Gardena, CA. 

1967 The state of Biafra seceded from Nigeria and Civil war
erupted. 

1971 Mariner 9, the American deep space probe blasted off on a
journey to Mars. 

1981 In Chittagong, Bangladesh, President Ziaur Rahman was
assassinated. 

1982 Spain became the 16th NATO member. Spain was the first
country to enter the Western alliance since West Germany in
1955. 

1983 Peru's President Fernando Belaunde Terry declared a state
of emergency and suspended civil rights after bombings by
leftist rebels. 

1989 The "Goddess of Democracy" statue (33 feet height) was
erected in Tiananmen Square by student demonstrators. 

1996 Britain's Prince Andrew and the former Sarah Ferguson
were granted an uncontested decree ending their 10-year
marriage. 

1997 Jesse K. Timmendequas was convicted in Trenton, NJ, of
raping and strangling a 7-year-old neighbor, Megan Kanka. The
1994 murder inspired "Megan's Law," requiring that communities
be notified when sex offenders move in. 

1998 A powerful earthquake hit northern Afghanistan killing up
to 5,000. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 29
Memorial Day in the USA: 
Honor those, who have died while in the military.

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
PT Cruiser stolen from man after he 
hires prostitute
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 29 in
585 BC The first recorded prediction of a solar eclipse was
made in Greece. 2602 years ago they knew that Earth was round
and the sun was the center of the solar system, and how the
solar system worked. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



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please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
No man ever listened himself out of a job.
--- Calvin Coolidge (1872 - 1933) 

There's no workman, whatsoever he be, 
that may both work well and hastily.
--- Chaucer (c. 1343 - 1400)
______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an
old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they
threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking
the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a
bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They
searched the area for something larger and came upon a
railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it
to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit
bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into
the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks
upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man
walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat
anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped
into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, 'Oh
no. That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a railroad
tie.'
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks to Tsehainesh from Addis Ababa
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

April Marie Phillips, 
36,
Jacksonvile,
Florida

PT Cruiser stolen from man after he 
hires prostitute

A woman faces a charge of car theft after police said a man
was assaulted Monday at a Jacksonville hotel. 

The victim said he met and picked up a suspected prostitute
named April Marie Phillips, 36. The two of them went to get a
room at the Scottish Inn on Phillips Highway. 

Once the man and Phillips approached the hotel room, an
unknown man met the victim and Phillips outside the room. 

About five minutes after the three entered the room, the
unknown man took the man's car keys, the police report said.
The man asked for his keys back, but the unknown man and
Phillips refused, police said.

Police reported that the unknown man then punched the victim
multiple times in the face and Phillips hit the victim in the
back of the head. The victim said his cellphone was taken from
him and that they tried to take his wallet.

The victim said Phillips and the man kicked him several times
while he was on the floor.

Phillips and the unknown man fled in the victim's PT Cruiser,
police said. The victim said called police after he woke up
from passing out. 

The man was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital for possible
broken ribs and facial injuries.
Police said they found and arrested Phillips, who was standing
in the Eagle Inn parking lot. 

As police questioned Phillips, they said she said that she
knew what this was about. She said a guy picked her up for sex
and drugs and said she had nothing else to say, police said. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Mario
Re: Head Set or separate microphone?
Dear Webby
What is better for phone over the Internet, a headset
or a separate microphone and earphones?
Thanks
Mario

Dear Mario
If you want to sound like a DJ or if you are participating
in teleconferences, get a wireless lapel mike and a mike
pre-amplifier with graphic equalizer, and a set of noise
canceling cup type earphones.

At the opposite end of the quality spectrum is a headset
from the dollar store, complete with boom microphone and
a too short 3 foot cord.

A good compromise is $30 headset with boom mike,
and an additional cord extension. 6 wire cords are often
ridiculously overpriced and it pays to shop around for
those. Otherwise you could wind up paying more for the
extension cord than for the head set.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Thanks to Billie for bringing back this classic:
Thought you might like this one, Peace, Billie

Two dogs were walking down the street.  One dog says
to the other,
"Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across
the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute,
then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my pee-mail."



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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Faux Stained Glass Windows
By DOROTHY [3 Posts, 2 Comments]
This is a new use for old windows. They took about 2 days to
make. Paint the window frames and let dry. Be creative and
paint the glass with stained glass paint. Once dry, glue the
marbles to the glass then let the glue dry.


The better craft stores and catalogs
have liquid stained glass, and leading in a tube.

Draw your design on the glass with a pencil or crayon, then
use the leading in a tube to draw the boundaries between the
colors. With real stained glass that would be tinned or leaded
copper foil. Then you make sure you don`t have any unintended
breaks in the leading.
After that you decide what colors to use in each field, and
pour a few drops of that color into that field. The raised
bead of leading will confine the color to that field.

Depending on the picture you want to create, you can add a
drop of modifier, like starburst, ice crystal, flames, etc.
The modifiers don`t change the color, just the apparent
texture. 

Half an hour later it is dry and done.
I used to create a lot of those in my Hippy years.

You can use liquid stained glass on real glass and on
plexiglass. Quite often I sandwiched a plexiglass stained
window to a real glass window. My favorite trick was to just
do a foot high strip for the top of windows, so as not to
obstruct the view, but create beautiful colored projections
from the sun shining through.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Mama bear chases motorists in Yellowstone National Park
____________________________________________________

Thanks to Dianne for this:
The woman was in labor in the delivery room with her
husband at her side coaching her just the way he
learned in the Lamaze class.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally
announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more
minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" the husband asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "At this age it's too hard to tell by
the ears."
___________________________________________________


 
This is what Memorial Day is about, let us remember them.

Thanks to Mary F for this story:
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big
activity center. These two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few
admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After precisely six seconds of careful consideration, she
answered.
"Yes, yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled.
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't
remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my
heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Jill, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one
of her parties. A friend of hers brought his brother who
had just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a
drink from the tray and said, "I'm sorry Father, I'll go right
back to the kitchen and bring you a coke."

The Priest smiled and said "No need to. I may have
alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."

"Oh !" said Jill blushing, "So that's it. I knew it
was one or the other that I wasn't supposed to offer you."

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 29
585 BC The first recorded prediction of a solar eclipse was
made in Greece. 2602 years ago they knew that Earth was round
and the sun was the center of the solar system, and how the
solar system worked.

1453 Constantinople fell to Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II, ending
the Byzantine Empire. 

1660 Charles II was restored to the English throne after the
Puritan Commonwealth. 

1721 South Carolina was formally incorporated as a royal
colony. 

1765 Patrick Henry denounced the Stamp Act before Virginia's
House of Burgesses. 

1827 The first nautical school opened in Nantucket, MA, under
the name Admiral Sir Isaac Coffin’s Lancasterian School. 

1849 A patent for lifting vessels was granted to Abraham
Lincoln. 

1910 An airplane raced a train from Albany, NY, to New York
City. The airplane pilot Glenn Curtiss won the $10,000 prize. 

1912 Fifteen women were dismissed from their jobs at the
Curtis Publishing Company in Philadelphia, PA, for dancing the
Turkey Trot while on the job. 

1916 The official flag of the president of the United States
was adopted. 

1916 U.S. forces invaded Dominican Republic and remained until
1924. 

1922 Ecuador became independent. 

1922 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that organized baseball was
a sport, not subject to antitrust laws. 

1932 World War I veterans began arriving in Washington, DC. to
demand cash bonuses they were not scheduled to receive for
another 13 years. 

1951 C.F. Blair became the first man to fly over the North
Pole in single engine plane. 

1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became first men
to reach the top of Mount Everest and live. 

1973 Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los
Angeles. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon agreed to turn over 1,200 pages of
edited Watergate transcripts. 

1985 Thirty-nine people were killed and 400 were injured in a
riot at a European Cup soccer match in Brussels, Belgium. 

1986 Colonel Oliver North told National Security Advisor
William McFarlane that profits from weapons sold to Iran were
being diverted to the Contras. 

1988 U.S. President Reagan began his first visit to the Soviet
Union in Moscow. 

1990 Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian
republic by the Russian parliament. 

1997 The ruling party in Indonesia, Golkar, won the Parliament
election by a record margin. There was a boycott movement and
rioting that killed 200 people. 

1999 Space shuttle Discovery completed the first docking with
the International Space Station. 

2000 Fiji's military took control of the nation and declared
martial law following a coup attempt by indigenous Fijians in
mid-May. 

2001 In New York, four followers of Osama bin Laden were
convicted of a global conspiracy to murder Americans. The
crimes included the 1998 bombings of two U.S. embassies in
Africa that killed 224 people. 

2001 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey
Martin could use a cart to ride in tournaments. 

2015 The Obama adminstration removed Cuba from the U.S.
terrorism blacklist. The two countries had severed diplomatic
relations in January of 1961. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 25

Today I have to go to Calgary for injections 
into my eyeballs. That means no Friday, Saturday
or Sunday Newsletter.

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Colorado man arrested after castrating 
transgender woman for pay but without a license.
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 25 in
585 BC The first recorded prediction of a 
solar eclipse was made in Greece. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party 
did not miss the boat.
--- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) 
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
A man was in the hospital recovering from an
operation when a nun walked into his room. She was
there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man
and nun started talking and she asked about his
life. He talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children....you're
a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very
proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic.
I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex
maniac, aren't you?"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Doctor:  "I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention?  What's your excuse?"

Patient:  "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor:  "Following my orders?  What are you talking about?  I
gave you no such order."

Patient:  "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

James Pennington, 
57,
Denver,
Colorado

Colorado man arrested after castrating 
transgender woman for pay but without a license.

A man without a medical license was arrested after allegedly
using an Army surgical kit to remove the testicles of a
transgender woman at her apartment, the Denver Police
Department said.

James Pennington, 57 of Denver, is alleged to have removed the
testicles and sutured the opening while the woman's wife
watched the 90-minute procedure on Wednesday, according to a
probable cause statement.

Pennington told the victim if any "complications" developed to
call 911, according to the probable cause statement.

The wife called 911 about 2 p.m. after blood was seeping from
the incision.

Paramedics said the testicles could not be reattached because
of the time between the procedure and the call to 911, police
said.

A doctor with Medical Center of Aurora said the victim
suffered serious bodily injury and "risk of permanent
disfigurement," according to the statement.

Pennington was interviewed by police on Thursday and,
according to the probable cause statement, "confessed to
completing this surgical procedure without medical license."

Pennington was arrested for investigation of first-degree
aggravated assault causing serious bodily injury. He is being
held without bond.

The Denver District Attorney's Office will make the final
determination if charges will be filed.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Wanda
Re: img ... pdf
Dear Webby
I got some emails with img, some numbers and then .pdf in the
subject line. Naturally, I did not open them without asking
you first.

Are they safe?
Thanks
Wanda

Dear Wanda
No, they are NOT safe. Dump them, and dump them out of the
trash.

Nowadays, anything suspicious looking, dump it.
There is no need to enclose a normal picture in a PDF
If a friend or relative wants to bundle a bunch of pictures in
a PDF, they would tell you about it, and not just list ONE
picture, with .pdf tacked on.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is
1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from
Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
Called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me,
how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's
22, and he's half nuts."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making Rosemary Napkin Rings
By ShirleyE [165 Posts, 104 Comments]
For a lovely place setting which will also give off a
wonderful herbal aroma to get your guests' taste buds going,
use a wrap of rosemary around the serviettes (napkins) instead
of a traditional napkin ring.

Supplies:
rosemary sprigs
garden raffia or twine
scissors
hole punch
paper

Steps:
Print out your guests' names. Alternatively you could write
them if you prefer.

Cut out each name and round off the corners to neaten them.

Add a punched hole.

Roll up a serviette (napkin) and wrap a rosemary sprig around
it.

Overlap the ends of the sprig and tie with raffia or string.

Thread the name tag onto the raffia and make a final knot.

Trim the ends of the raffia and arrange your setting.




If you dont have raffia, you can use
the colorful, beaded pony-tail rubber bands. They are usually
25 / $ at the Dollar store and indefinitely reusable. No panic
when grampa canèt open the knots on the raffia.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Mama bear chases motorists in Yellowstone National Park
____________________________________________________

>From Wendy
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where
the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested
in
to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a
halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman
sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that
car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just
overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young
lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there
was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a
deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass
of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't
need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could
I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and
gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that schmuck
to lower the price.
See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
___________________________________________________


 
A woman breaks into what she thought was an abandoned house only to get the shock of her life.

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all
for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says
he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?"
The guy says, "A menswear shop."
The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what
he wants on the sign. "Menswear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand
shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign.
The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same.
"No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop.
The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a
menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he
wants on his sign.

The guy replies: "Entrance."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Thanks to Ross for this story:
A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying
to The Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid
I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased
functioning and this plane will be going down. Luckily, I
see an uncharted island below us that should be able to
accommodate our landing.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island.
After touring the island the captain announced to the
passengers that the odds are that we will never be rescued
and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives."

Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
charity pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

"No, Morris," she responds.

Morris smiles and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our
United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oy, no! I haven't sent the check," she says.

Now Morris laughs out loud.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our
Temple Building Fund check this month," he asks?

"Oy, Morris, I haven't sent that one, either." says Esther.

Now, Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris, “So? What are you laughing about?"

Morris answers confidently, "They'll find us."

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 25
585 BC The first recorded prediction of a solar eclipse was
made in Greece. 

1085 Alfonso VI took Toledo, Spain from the Moslems. 

1787 The Constitutional convention opened in Philadelphia with
George Washington presiding. 

1810 Argentina declared independence from Napoleonic Spain. 

1844 The gasoline engine was patented by Stuart Perry. 

1844 The first telegraphed news dispatch, sent from
Washington, DC, to Baltimore, MD, appeared in the Baltimore
"Patriot." 

1895 Oscar Wilde, a playwright, poet and novelist, was
convicted of a morals charge and sentenced to prison in
London. 

1925 John Scopes was indicted for teaching the Darwinian
theory in school. 

1927 Ford Motor Company announced that the Model A would
replace the Model T. 

1927 The "Movietone News" was shown for the first time at the
Sam Harris Theatre in New York City. 

1946 Jordan gained independence from Britain. 

1953 In Nevada, the first atomic cannon was fired. 

1961 America was asked by U.S. President Kennedy to work
toward putting a man on the moon before the end of the decade.


1963 The Organization of African Unity was founded, in Addis
Ababa, Ethiopia. 

1968 The Gateway Arch, part of the Jefferson National
Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, MO, was dedicated. 

1970 Boeing Computer Services was founded. 

1977 "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" opened and became the
largest grossing film to date. 

1977 An opinion piece by Vietnam verteran Jan Scruggs appeared
in "The Washington Post." The article called for a national
memorial to "remind an ungrateful nation of what it has done
to its sons" that had served in the Vietnam War. 

1979 An American Airlines DC-10 crashed during takeoff at
Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. 275 people were
killed. 

1981 Daredevil Daniel Goodwin scaled Chicago's Sears Tower,
while wearing a "Spiderman" costume, in 7 1/2 hours. 

1983 "The Return of the Jedi" opened nationwide. It set a new
record in opening day box office sales. The gross was
$6,219,629. 

1985 Bangladesh was hit with a hurricane and tidal wave that
killed more than 11,000 people. 

1989 The Calgary Flames won their first NHL Stanley Cup by
defeating the Montreal Canadiens. 

1996 In Nimes, France, Christina Sanchez became the first
woman to achieve the rank of matadore in Europe. 

1997 In Sierra Leone a military coup overthrew the popularly
elected President Ahmad Tejan Kabbah. He was replaced with
Major Johnny Paul Koromah. 

1997 Poland adopted a constitution that removed all traces of
communism. 

1999 A report by the U.S. House of Representatives Select
Committee on U.S. National Security and Military/Commercial
Concerns with the People's Republic of China concluded that
China had "stolen design information on the U.S. most-advanced
thermonuclear weapons" and that China's penetration of U.S.
weapons laboratories "spans at least the past several decades
and almost certainly continues today." 

2000 The Walt Disney Co. and Time Warner Inc. signed a long-
term deal that ended a dispute over the airing policies of
Time Warner. Time Warner had blacked out Disney programs for a
39 hour period the previous month due to the lack of an
agreement. 

2001 Erik Weihenmayer, 32, of Golden, CO, became the first
blind climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

2001 Sherman Bull, 64, of New Canaan, CT, became the oldest
climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

2006 In Houston, former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and
Jeffrey Skillinng were convicted of conspiracy and fraud for
the downfall of Enron. 

2008 NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander landed in the arctic plains of
Mars. 

2009 North Korea announced that it had conducted a second
successful nuclear test in the province of North Hamgyong. The
United Nations Security Council condemned the reported test. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 24

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida Muslim convert killed roommates over 
disrespect to his faith
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 24 in
1689 The English Parliament passed Act of Toleration,
protecting Protestants. Roman Catholics were specifically
excluded from exemption. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
History is the version of past events that people have 
decided to agree upon.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and 
won't change the subject.
--- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough 
to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
--- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students
fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of
his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said
that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as
well. 

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked. 

I don't know yet," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed
me back yet." 
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Thanks to the folks from Erie for this:
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down
the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in
this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you
for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The
person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful
America!" 

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Syria,
I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
American?" 

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work."
______________________________________________________



Splitrock lighthouse in Minnesota by Rochelle Soukup
on "We Love Lighthouses"
_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Devon Arthurs,
18,
Tampa,
Floriduh

Florida Muslim convert killed roommates over 
disrespect to his faith

Tampa police say a double homicide suspect told them he killed
two roommates because they disrespected his Muslim faith.
During an interview, 18-year-old Devon Arthurs admitted to the
shooting deaths of Jeremy Himmelman and Andrew Oneschuk, and
said they all used to be friends and shared neo-Nazi beliefs.

Arthurs says he later converted to Muslim, and became angry
with the world’s anti-Muslim sentiment.
He told police he wanted to bring attention to his cause.

The double homicide happened Friday night on Amberly Drive in
New Tampa.

Tampa police were called to the Green Planet Smoke Shop and
say Arthurs was holding three people at gunpoint. According to
the police report, Arthurs told them he killed someone and was
upset over America bombing his Muslim countries.

When police showed up, they convinced Arthurs to let the
hostages go and eventually handcuffed him.
The police report says Arthurs then made references to, “Allah
Mohammed!” and told police, “I had to do it. This wouldn’t
have had to happen if your country didn’t bomb my country.”

Interesting to note that the bonehead referred to the US as
"YOUR country" and ISIS controlled areas as "his country".

While he was being arrested, Arthurs told an officer people in
an apartment were dead. The suspect led police to the
apartment at The Hamptons at Tampa Palms Apartments on Amberly
Drive.

Responding officers found a man crying outside the door in
full U.S. Army camouflage. Arthurs told police the man was his
roommate and said, “He doesn’t know what’s going on and just
found them like you guys did.”

Police found two men, later identified as Himmelman and
Oneschuk, dead inside the apartment from gunshot wounds.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Tam
Re: Where can I learn HTML?
Dear Webby
I was wondering where I could learn to use HTML ?
thanks
Tam

Dear Tam
Look at the right side-menu.
There, about half way down, is a link to
Free HTML course
Click on that!
It takes you to http://htmlclinic.com/

Its totally free, no spyware, no pop-ups, no hassle.
Just an excellent "at-your-own-pace" HTML course.
And it is really easy.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




An old fellow came into the hospital truly on
death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant
that his patients be up and walking in the hall the
day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots
forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the
patient in the hall as ordered, and after the
third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly
each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep
walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family
came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
for what he had done for their father. The surgeon
was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told
them that it was really a simple operation and we
had been lucky to get him in time. 

"But doctor, you don't understand," they said,
"Dad hasn't walked in over ten years!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Companion Plants for Growing Vegetables

This table is way too long to print here, 
so here is the link to the original:
Companion Plants



 
Lighthouse shift change 
____________________________________________________

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales
on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom have one,"   replied..

"What's it for?"

"It's a cussing machine,"  answered.
"Every time mom stands on it, she gets really mad
and starts cussing."
___________________________________________________


 
A woman breaks into what she thought was an abandoned house only to get the shock of her life.

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last
night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other
Buddy says when my wife goes off on me, I just don't listen.
How do you do that? asks the other.

It's easy! I  take off my glasses!



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 



Thanks to Roland for this story:
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are
sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth..."It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to
talk and play with the other kids.  A few minutes later he
came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!
It's called Bunk Beds!"


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 24
1610 Sir Thomas Gates institutes "laws divine moral and
marshal," a harsh civil code for Jamestown. 

1624 After years of unprofitable operation Virginia’s charter
was revoked and it became a royal colony. 

1689 The English Parliament passed Act of Toleration,
protecting Protestants. Roman Catholics were specifically
excluded from exemption. 

1738 The Methodist Church was established. 

1764 Bostonian lawyer James Otis denounced "taxation without
representation" and called for the colonies to unite in
demonstrating their opposition to Britain’s new tax measures. 

1798 Believing that a French invasion of Ireland was imminent,
Irish nationalists rose up against the British occupation. 

1816 Emamual Leutze was born in Germany. He was most famous
for his paintings "Washington Crossing the Delaware" and
"Columbus Before the Queen". 

1822 At the Battle of Pichincha, Bolivar secured independence
of the Quito. 

1830 The first passenger railroad service in the U.S. began
service. 

1844 Samuel F.B. Morse formally opened America's first
telegraph line. The first message was sent from Washington,
DC, to Baltimore, MD. The message was "What hath God wrought?"


1859 Charles Gounod's "Ave Maria" was performed by Madame
Caroline Miolan-Carvalho for the first time in public. 

1863 Bushwackers led by Captain William Marchbanks attacked a
U.S. Federal militia party in Nevada, Missouri. 

1878 The first American bicycle race was held in Boston. 

1881 About 200 people died when the Canadian ferry Princess
Victoria sank near London, Ontario. 

1883 After 14 years of construction the Brooklyn Bridge was
opened to traffic. 

1899 The first public garage was opened by W.T. McCullough. 

1913 The U.S. Department of Labor entered into its first
strike mediation. The dispute was between the Railroad Clerks
of the New York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad. 

1930 Amy Johnson became the first woman to fly from England to
Australia. 

1931 B&O Railroad began service with the first passenger train
to have air conditioning throughout. The run was between New
York City and Washington, DC. 

1935 The Cincinnati Reds played the Philadelphia Phillies in
the first major league baseball game at night. The switch for
the floodlights was thrown by U.S. President Franklin
Roosevelt. 

1941 The HMS Hood was sunk by the German battleship Bismarck
in the North Atlantic. Only three people survived. 

1954 The first moving sidewalk in a railroad station was
opened in Jersey City, NJ. 

1958 United Press International was formed through a merger of
the United Press and the International News Service. 

1961 The Freedom Riders were arrested in Jackson, Mississippi.


1967 California Governor Ronald Reagan greeted Charles M.
Schulz at the state capitol in observance of the legislature-
proclaimed "Charles Schulz Day." 

1976 Britain and France opened trans-Atlantic Concorde service
to Washington. 

1983 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the federal government
had the right to deny tax breaks to schools that racially
discriminate. 

1986 Montreal won its 23rd National Hockey League (NHL)
Stanley Cup championship. 

1990 The Edmonton Oilers won their fifth National Hockey
League (NHL) Stanley Cup. 

1993 The Ethiopian province of Eritrea declared itself an
independent nation. 

1994 The four men convicted of bombing the New York's World
Trade Center were each sentenced to 240 years in prison. 

1999 39 miners were killed in an underground gas explosion in
the Ukraine. 

2000 Five people were killed and two others wounded when two
gunmen entered a Wendy's restaurant in Flushing, Queens, New
York. The gunmen tied up the victims in the basement and then
shot them. 

2000 The U.S. House of Representatives approved permanent
normal trade relations with China. China was not happy about
some of the human rights conditions that had been attached by
the U.S. lawmakers. 

2000 A Democratic Party event for Al Gore in Washington
brought in $26.5 million. The amount set a new record, which
had just been set the previous month by Republicans for Texas
Gov. George W. Bush. 

2001 Temba Tsheri, 15, became the youngest person to reach the
summit of Mount Everest. 

2011 NASA announced the development of the Orion Multi-Purpose
Crew Vehicle (MPCV) spacecraft. It is intended to facilitate
exploration of the Moon, asteroids and Mars. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 23

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida Shooter Poops On His Arrest Warrant
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 23 in
1430 Joan of Arc was captured by Burgundians. 
She was then sold to the English. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Education... has produced a vast population able to 
read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
--- G. M. Trevelyan (1876 - 1962)

Though music oft hath such a charm to make bad good, 
and good provoke to harm.
--- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think
of in time.
--- Benjamin Franklin
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
While teaching children about world religions, a teacher
asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's
faith to class. The next day, she asked each student to
come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's
menorah."

The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my
Mom's rosary."

The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an
icon of my patron saint."

The 5th child said, "I'm Southern Baptist, and this is
my casserole dish."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
TEACHER: tester, name one important thing
we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
: Me!
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Demetrius Vidale,
24,
Deerfield Beach,
Floriduh

Florida Shooter Poops On His Arrest Warrant

Being accused of a crime is pretty crappy, but that’s no
reason to poop on a search warrant.

That’s what a Florida man accused of shooting at a Deerfield
Beach deputy allegedly did while his paperwork was being
processed, according to the Broward County Sheriff’s Office.

Demetrius Vidale, 24, was arrested Tuesday in connection with
a shootout that took place at about 3 a.m. Monday near
Tropicante Nightclub, according to the Miami Herald.

Authorities accuse Vidale of shooting and robbing club-goer
Jordan Harris, who is expected to recover.

In addition, Vidale allegedly shot at Broward Sheriff’s deputy
Derrick Nesbitt, who was responding to reports of gunshots.

The deputy fired back but wasn’t injured, according to WSVN
TV.

Vidale managed to elude capture until the next day, when he
was apprehended while driving in Fort Lauderdale.

Now Vidale has been charged with attempted first-degree
murder, attempted murder of a law enforcement officer, armed
robbery, obstructing a police officer executing a search
warrant and driving with a revoked license, according to the
criminal complaint.

But it’s what Vidale allegedly did while in custody thats
really raising a stink. When officers pulled over Vidale, they
served him with a search warrant to get his DNA in order to
match him to the crime scene.

Vidale refused to let officers take his picture, fingerprints
or DNA, claiming a judge had "no jurisdiction over him,"
according to the Florida Sun-Sentinel.

However, while Vidales paperwork was being processed, he
allegedly went into the bathroom and dumped a whole bunch of
DNA ? or "defecation not appreciated" ? on the warrant,
according to WSVN-TV.

Vidale appeared in court on Wednesday where he chose to
represent himself and to argue with the judge, the Sun-
Sentinel reports.

Jail records show Vidale remains behind bars at the Broward
County Main Jail. Until he recognizes the jurisdiction of the
judge, the judge cant grant him bail anyway.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Chris
Re: Value of Bat
Dear Webby
A friend is moving out of her home and came across this old
bat she has had for years.  It's numbered 'LL797' and is in
great condition.  Anyone know where to find out about such
things for her?
Thanks in advance,
Chris

Dear Chris
I am more familiar with DOS bats than wooden ones.
So, your friend has "bats in the attic" ?
I wonder if you know what that phrase means around here ?

All joking aside, the easiest way to find out if it is
worth more than firewood, is to take a picture of it and
post it on e-bay. If nobody bids on it, give it to a kid in
exchange for mowing the lawn or weeding the driveway.
Have FUN!
DearWebby



Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. 

"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed
a "K" in the front?" 

After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and belted out:
"Canoe!" 



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peony Bushes Not Blooming
By Frank [4 Posts, 20 Comments]
If they are not setting buds then they are planted to deep.
Peony need to be planted shallow. If you can see some of the
root when planting that is ok. So you need to break up the
roots and replant. You will probably have plants left over to
give away. The earlier post is correct on the ants. Ants help
them to bloom.
Frank

Make sure the peonies have ants.
They need them to produce flowers. As long as they have ants,
they are as hardy as rhubarb. Mowing them in late summer also
seems to help.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
wrestling match between 
4-year-old girl and boy
____________________________________________________

Thanks to Lynn for this one: I have the most marvelous recipe
for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband
and he says, "Let's eat out!" 
___________________________________________________


 
Guinea Pigs With Luscious Locks to Die For

It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright
children. The teacher was presiding over a discussion about
the children's parents. One child said, "Well, my mother's a
Catholic and my father's Jewish." 

"Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?" 

"I believe in everything," said the first child. 

"What do you mean 'everything'?" asked another child. 

"Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses,
Snow White, the Tooth Fairy, Santa, the Easter Bunny,
everything!" 



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


>From Don 
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather
than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a bottle of
champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the
gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months
later we held a Christening party for our third child.
Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we
remembered our housewarming gift. In front of our guests, I
opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good
care of this one. This one is yours!" 


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 23

1430 Joan of Arc was captured by Burgundians. She was then
sold to the English. 

1533 Henry VIII’s marriage to Catherine of Aragon was declared
null and void. 

1618 The Thirty Years War began when three opponents of the
Reformation were thrown through a window. 

1701 In London, Captain William Kidd was hanged after being
convicted of murder and piracy. 

1785 Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter that he had invented
bifocals. 

1827 The first US nursery school was established in New York
City. 

1873 Canada's North West Mounted Police force was established.
The organization's name was changed to Royal Canadian Mounted
Police in 1920. 

1895 The New York Public Library was created with an agreement
that combined the city's existing Astor and Lenox libraries. 

1901 American forces captured Filipino rebel leader Emilio
Aguinaldo. 

1908 Part of the Great White Fleet arrived in Puget Sound, WA.


1915 During World War I, Italy switched sides and joined the
Allies. 

1926 The French captured the Moroccan Rif capital. 

1934 In Bienville Parish, LA, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow
were ambushed and killed by Texas Rangers. The bank robbers
were riding in a stolen Ford Deluxe. 

1937 Industrialist John D. Rockefeller died. 

1938 "LIFE" magazine’s cover pictured Errol Flynn as a glamour
boy. 

1945 In Luneburg Germany, Heinrich Himmler, the head of the
Nazi Gestapo, committed suicide while imprisoned by the Allied
forces. 

1949 The Republic of West Germany was established. 

1960 Israel announced the capture of Nazi Adolf Eichmann in
Argentina. 

1981 In Barcelona, Spain, gunmen seized control of the Central
Bank and took 200 hostages. 

1985 Thomas Patrick Cavanagh was sentenced to life in prison
for trying to sell Stealth bomber secrets to the Soviet Union.


1995 The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City
was demolished. 

1998 British Protestants and Irish Catholics of Northern
Ireland approved a peace accord. 

1999 In Kansas City, MO, Owen Hart (Blue Blazer) died when he
fell 90 feet while being lowered into a WWF wrestling ring. He
was 33 years old. 

1999 Gerry Bloch, at age 81, became the oldest climber to
scale El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. He broke his own
record that he set in 1986 when he was 68 years old. 

2013 Google acquired Makani Power for use for its Project
Wing. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 22

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman in labor smokes crack, 
leaves newborn in yard
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 22 in
1955 A scheduled dance to be headlined by Fats Domino 
was canceled by police in Bridgeport, Connecticut 
because "rock and roll dances might be featured." 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
The government's view of the economy could be summed up 
in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
--- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) 

According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men are just grateful. 
---Jay Leno
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
>From Malcolm:
The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual
thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his
brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.
A few minutes later he came back, waded into the
lake, and retrieved his clubs. He proceeded to take
his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs
back into the water.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Dad gives some advice to his son before his first real date.
"Son, when you pick up your date later, make sure you have
some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over
that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!  It's an
exchange thing."

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him
with a long, passionate kiss.  She pressed her chest against
him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to
give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said.  "I didn't mean to scare you
away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'll be right back. There are
still TONS of flowers at the cemetery a couple of blocks
south of here."
______________________________________________________

Whoever sent this one to me, years ago, Thank You!


_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Katrina Kegelman, 
24, 
Clearwater,
Floriduh

Florida woman in labor smokes crack, 
leaves newborn in yard

A pregnant Florida woman was arrested for allegedly smoking
crack cocaine while in labor and leaving her newborn outside, 
police said. 

Katrina Kegelman, 24, of Clearwater, gave birth Monday night
at her home and left the baby in the back yard, according to
the Tampa Bay Times. 

A friend “noticed blood on Kegelman’s pants” and called 911,
the Times reported. Kegelman finally motioned to firefighters
that the newborn was hidden in the yard, police said.

Kegelman told police she lied about the child because she was
afraid of getting arrested for “having smoked crack moments
before giving birth,” the Times reported. 

Kegelman faces a child neglect charge. The infant is well,
according to police.

In most places use of crack, cocaine, or heroin during late
pregnancy results in automatic confiscation and adoption of
the infant by Protective Services and automatic child neglect
charges. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Bonnie
Re: phishing at the PayPal pond
Dear Webby
I know you've touched on correspondence from PayPal in the
past, but of course, I don't remember what you said!  I
received
a notice to update my info with them today at the link below
(which is in German, by the way, when I click on it).  Any
thoughts on whether they're who they say they are?  The
msge said to update by Aug 2 or my account will go into
suspension.  I know your knowledge is vast; maybe you
can help me.
Thanks!
PS.  It would not hurt to post a heads-up to the newsletter.
Bonnie

Dear Dear Bonnie
That's just some crooks trying to con you into giving them
your PayPal password and info.

PayPal will NEVER ask you for that info.
They already know it!
The same goes for Ebay or any bank.

Forward PayPal spoofs to spoof@paypal.com.
If you do feel compelled to fill it out, use totally bogus
info. If some politician sends you junkmail, use his or her
name and email address, and make up the rest of the info.
It will just waste the crook's time, since it is highly
unlikely that you correctly guess that politician's password.
(unless you type in "password")

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition
that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was
afraid the shock would give him a heart attack.

So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what
would you do if you inherited a million dollars?"
And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of
it to the church."

At which the pastor fell over dead.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Altoid Tin to Hold Business Cards
By Judy Pariser S. [286 Posts, 2,665 Comments]
The Altoid tin is the perfect size to hold business cards. I
like to keep cards of recommended people like plumbers and
electricians before I need them. The tin keeps everything neat
and in one place. 

Comment:
By Sandi/Poor But Proud [600 Posts, 2,474 Comments]
Great tip. I also get the 12 packs of waxy ear plugs from
Walmart. The container is the best size for cards and you can
see them as well.


 
Eagles take out drones!
____________________________________________________

There was a fairly wealthy 70 year-old man who had just
married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady.
One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get
that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?"

The man leaned over and whispered to his friend,
"It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart
problems, and she instantly fell in love with me."
----------
I`ll keep that in mind just in case I ever get fairly wealthy
when I turn 70!
___________________________________________________


 
In search of America's darkest skies.
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told
her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just
fabulous,...handsome, attentive, sensitive, caring and
considerate."

What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol
asked?"

"Oh," Betty replied, "the other one is straight."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


>From Linda
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard
operator at a busy company. After a good annual review,
my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending
approval of the vice president. A month later, my supervisor
called me into his office and told me the VP had refused
to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my
job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with
someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

So I started doing the work for my Internet home business
while on the job, and at the next review, got my raise.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 22

1246 Henry Raspe was elected anti-king by the Rhenish prelates
in France. 

1455 King Henry VI was taken prisoner by the Yorkists at the
Battle of St. Albans, during the War of the Roses. 

1570 Abraham Ortelius published the first modern atlas in
Belgium. 

1761 In Philadelphia, the first life insurance policy was
issued in the U.S. 

1819 The steamship Savannah became the first to cross the
Atlantic Ocean. 

1841 Henry Kennedy received a patent for the first reclining
chair. 

1849 Abraham Lincoln received a patent for the floating dry
dock. 

1868 Near Marshfield, IN, The "Great Train Robbery" took
place. The robbery was worth $96,000 in cash, gold and bonds
to the seven members of the Reno gang. 

1872 The Amnesty Act restored civil rights to Southerners. 

1882 The U.S. formally recognized Korea. 

1891 The first public motion picture was given in Thomas
Edison's lab. 

1892 Dr. Washington Sheffield invented the toothpaste tube. 

1900 The Associated Press was incorporated as a non-profit
news cooperative in New York. 

1900 A. DeVilbiss, Jr. patented his pendulum-type computing
scale. 

1900 Edwin S. Votey received a patent for the pianola (a
pneumatic piano player). It could be attached to any piano. 

1906 The Wright brothers received a patent their flying
machine. 

1939 Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed a military
alliance between Germany and Italy known as the "Pact of
Steel." 

1947 The Truman Doctrine was enacted by the U.S. Congress to
appropriate military and economic aid for Turkey and Greece. 

1955 A scheduled dance to be headlined by Fats Domino was
canceled by police in Bridgeport, Connecticut because "rock
and roll dances might be featured." 

1955 Jack Benny did his last live network radio broadcast
after a run of 23 years. He devoted his time fully to TV. 

1969 A lunar module of Apollo 10 flew within nine miles of the
moon's surface. The event was a rehearsal for the first lunar
landing. 

1972 U.S. President Nixon became the first U.S. president to
visit Russia. He met with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev.

1972 The island Ceylon adopted a new constitution and became
the republic of Sri Lanka. 

1977 Janet Guthrie set the fastest time of the second weekend
of qualifying, becoming the first woman to earn a starting
spot in the Indianapolis 500 since its inception in 1911. 

1986 Sylvester Stallone agreed to a 10-picture, six-year deal
with United Artists. He signed for a reported $15 million for
each film. 

1990 In the Middle East, North and South Yemen merged to
become a single state known as the Republic of Yemen. 

1990 Microsoft released Windows 3.0. 

1997 Kelly Flinn, the U.S. Air Force's first female bomber
pilot certified for combat, accepted a general discharge. She
thereby avoided court-martial on charges of adultery, lying
and disobeying an order. 

1998 New information came to light about the June 1996 bombing
that killed 19 American airmen. The information indicated that
Saudi citizens had been responsible and not Iranians as once
believed. 

2002 Chandra Levy's remains were found in Washington, DC's
Rock Creek Park. She was last seen on April 30, 2001.
California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case
due to his relationship with Levy. 

2002 In Birmingham, AL, a jury convicted former Ku Klux
Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church
bombing that killed four girls. 

2012 In Japan, the Tokyo Skytree tower opened. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 21

Thank you all for your birthday greetings 
in email and on FB!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man wore Home Depot apron to 
steal air conditioners
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 21 in
1471 King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. 
Edward IV took the throne. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
You can only be young once. 
But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry (1947 - ) 

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
--- Mark Twain
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
>From Lyra
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went
out and came back with a small sign that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called,
she said she did not authorize that sign."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Computer Bumper Snickers
Don't make me use uppercase.

Get a Life?  Cool!  Where can I download one of them from?

The truth is out there?  Does anyone know the URL?
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Bernardo Calana, 
53,
Haverhill, 
Massachusetts

Man wore Home Depot apron to 
steal air conditioners

Police say a man donned an orange Home Depot apron and posed
as an employee to steal air conditioners in New Hampshire. But
a manager noticed the name on the garment didn’t match that of
any worker at the store.

Police arrested 53-year-old Bernardo Calana, of Haverhill,
Massachusetts, on Saturday.

WMUR-TV reports Calana loaded two air conditions into his
pickup truck in Plaistow and went back inside.

A manager noticed the apron with the name “Shannon” with
flowers drawn on it and called police.

Calana later told police he didn’t know anything about the air
conditioners, but a Home Depot apron was found in his back
pocket.

Calana was released on bail. The voice mailbox for a listed
phone number for him was full.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Lupita
Re: Hex numbers for colors
Dear Webby
how do I get those hex numbers for colors on web pages,
when I need a color that is in between colors that have
proper names?
Thanks
Lupita

Dear Lupita
Ther are a few programs that will do that. The one I have
been using for about 20 years is called colour.exe. You
can download it from http://webby.com/tools.html and
save it right onto the desktop. It is a very small program,
but works 100% reliably and has no unnecesary confusion.
It is free.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




A little boy got lost at the YMCA and wandered in the
women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter?
Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Hairy Monster Paperclip Bookmarks
By ShirleyE [170 Posts, 107 Comments]

Supplies:
paper clips
cord or yarn in different colours
scissors
strong glue
small wiggle eyes

Steps:
Cut some cord into short lengths about 2 to 3 inches long.
Fold them in half.
Pass the loop end through a paper clip.
Pass the cut ends through the loop and pull tight.


Repeat twice more and trim with scissors.
Glue the wiggle eyes in place. You can use pva glue for this,
but it will take a long time to dry and won't hold for very
long. A strong quick drying glue will work better.



Try different hairstyles.

Wait until the glue is properly dry before using to mark a
page. You don't want to be sticking the pages together.


Some leftover yarn or wool pieces will keep visiting kids busy
on a rainy aafternoon. A flexible rubber type glue works best
and the collateral mess is easy to clean up.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
mpossible Wheel Climb
____________________________________________________

When my cousin, Tom, was at the police academy, prior to
joining Chicago's finest, one of his instructors asked him
during an oral exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He immediately replied, with conviction,
"Call for back-up, LOTS of back-up."
___________________________________________________


 
People are Awesome-Best of the week!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replied, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

"HEBREWS"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Once upon a time, the only signs along rural highways were
CocaCola billboards and Burma Shave signs nailed to fences.
They have long been harvested by collectors.
Here are some of the more memorable ones:
***Burma Shave***

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE,
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
***Burma Shave***

DON'T LOOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
*** Burma Shave***

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
***Burma Shave***

HUGGING ON HIGHWAY
FAVORITE SPORT
TRADE IN YOUR CAR
FOR A DAVENPORT
***Burma Shave***

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
***Burma Shave***

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
***Burma Shave***

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
***Burma Shave***

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
***Burma shave***

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
*** Burma Shave***

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
***Burma Shave***

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
***Burma Shave***

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
***Burma Shave***

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
***Burma Shave***

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
***Burma Shave***

DRUNKEN DRIVERS
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE
TO HOBBLE HOME
IN AN AMBULANCE
***Burma Shave***

If You Drive
While You're Drunk
Carry Your Coffin
In Your Trunk
***Burma Shave***

She Kissed The Hairbrush
By Mistake
She Thought It Was
Her Husband Jake
***Burma Shave***

The Hero Was
Strong And Willin'
She Felt His Face
And Married The Villain
***Burma Shave***

It Would Be More Fun
To Go By Air
But We Can't Hang
These Signs Up There
***Burma Shave***


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 21
0996 Sixteen year old Otto III was crowned the Roman Emperor. 

1471 King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. Edward
IV took the throne. 

1536 The Reformation was officially adopted in Geneva,
Switzerland. 

1542 Hernando de Soto died along the Mississippi River while
searching for gold. 

1602 Martha's Vineyard was first sighted by Captain
Bartholomew Gosnold. 

1790 Paris was divided into 48 zones. 

1819 Bicycles were first seen in the U.S. in New York City.
They were originally known as "swift walkers." 

1840 New Zealand was declared a British colony. 

1856 Lawrence, Kansas was captured by pro-slavery forces. 

1863 The siege of the Confederate Port Hudson, LA, began. 

1891 Peter Jackson and Jim Corbett fought for 61 rounds only
to end in a draw. 

1904 Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA)
was founded. 

1906 Louis H. Perlman received his patent for the demountable
tire-carrying rim. 

1924 Fourteen-year-old Bobby Franks was murdered in a "thrill
killing" committed by Nathan Leopold Jr. and Richard Loeb. The
killers were students at the University of Chicago. 

1927 Charles A. Lindberg completed the first solo nonstop
airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. The trip began May
20. 

1929 The first automatic electric stock quotation board was
used by Sutro and Company of New York City. 

1934 Oskaloosa, IA, became the first city in the U.S. to
fingerprint all of its citizens. 

1947 Joe DiMaggio and five of his New York Yankee teammates
were fined $100 because they had not fulfilled contract
requirements to do promotional duties for the team. 

1956 The U.S. exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb in the
Pacific Ocean over Bikini Atoll. 

1961 Governor Patterson declared martial law in Montgomery,
AL. 

1968 The nuclear-powered U.S. submarine Scorpion, with 99 men
aboard, was last heard from. The remains of the sub were later
found on the ocean floor 400 miles southwest of the Azores. 

1970 The National Guard was mobilized to quell disturbances at
Ohio State University. 

1980 The movie "The Empire Strikes Back" was released. 

1982 The British landed in the Falkland Islands and fighting
began. 

1991 In Madras, India, the former prime minister, Rajiv Gandhi
was killed by a bouquet of flowers that contained a bomb. 

1998 An expelled student, Kipland Kinkel, in Springfield, OR,
killed 2 people and wounded 25 others with a semi-automatic
rifle. Police also discovered that the boy had killed his
parents before the rampage. 

1998 Microsoft and Sega announced that they are collaborating
on a home video game system. 

1998 In Miami, FL, five abortion clinics were hit by an
butyric acid-attacker.

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 20

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car 
on fire then called 911 twice to report it,
on stolen cell phone.
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 20 in
1949 DearWebby was born
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by 
flicking a switch.
--- Socratex

"A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance."
--- Benjamin Franklin

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy
water. Be still and allow the mud to settle."
--- Michelangelo

Children are unpredictable. You never know what
 inconsistency they're going to catch you in next."
 --- Franklin P. Jones
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Thanks to Ann for this one:
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in
San Diego that was under investigation for medical
insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby
pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner
for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation
took place and was recorded by the FBI because they
were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases
of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through
the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go
around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI
agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're
starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We’ve collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the
pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No way.
*Click*
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Thanks to Ann for this joke:
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon
off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty
swing. He missed the ball entirely and said
"Damn, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again.
"Damn, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep
swearing", the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again.
The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep
swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Damn, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning
comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her
tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice,
"Damn, missed again!."
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Frederick Davis, 
40, 
Daytona Beach,
Floriduh

A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car 
on fire then called 911 twice to report it,
on stolen cell phone.

A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car on fire then
called 911 twice to report it, authorities said.

Frederick Davis, 40, of Daytona Beach, was arrested Friday for
an incident that happened in September of 2016, according to
the Daytona Beach News-Journal. 

Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood brought a patrol car in
for service at an area gas station when Davis came along and
allegedly set it on fire, the News-Journal reported.

Davis then reportedly made two 911 calls on a stolen iPhone to
report the crime, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Davis faces a slew of charges including arson, burglary, and
fleeing or attempting to elude charge.

“He was taunting law enforcement,” Chitwood told the
newspaper. “Now he got the welcome mat rolled out for him at
the Seminole County jail.”

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Bob
Re: Print from PowerPoint
Dear Webby
Is there a simple and quick way to print individual pages 
in a power point file?
Bob S

Dear Bob
Just right click and select PRINT.
That will print that slide.
Have FUN!
DearWebby



Thanks to Kris for this story:
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't
believe.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass
of water on the side table.   And, next to them, a single
red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed.  Jack looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices
a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--
Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at
the table, eating.   Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind.  You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "OH THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone,you silly broad, I'm married!
I guess she likes it when you call her a silly broad."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Hard Water Deposits from Faucets
Litter Gitter [214 Posts, 681 Comments]
I saw this tip in a video on the internet and had a chance to
try it out on an old faucet that had years of calcium buildup
on it.
To remove calcium deposits on a faucet, wrap a cloth or small
towel, that is soaked with white vinegar, around the faucet
and let it sit for several hours. It will remove most of the
calcium deposit. Afterwards, scrub with steel wool or a
scrubbing pad to remove any that remains.
In this case, I wrapped the vinegar soaked towel around the
faucet and poured more vinegar on the towel and let it sit
over night. I was surprised at the results when I removed the
towel.
I didn't have time to do any scrubbing with steel wool, but
you can tell the difference just by looking at the photos that
the white vinegar removed most of the calcium deposit.


 
In case you're confused by all the investigations
____________________________________________________

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword,
and occasionally, the programmer.

Microsoft, it's not a bug! It's an undocumented feature.
___________________________________________________


 
Meet the Amazonian terminators, the most feared women in history. 

Re: all that silly spam about making $$$$ fast...
Are you REALLY interested in making $$$$ fast?


Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!
Try it now!


Follow this simple procedure:


1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times really fast.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Do you know the difference between an Irishman and a
 Scotsman?

Hmmmm, not really.

A scotsman can say no to another beer,
if it is his turn to buy a round.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 20
0325 The Ecumenical council was inaugurated by Emperor
Constantine in Nicea, Asia Minor. 

1303 A peace treaty was signed between England and France over
the town of Gascony. 

1506 In Spain, Christopher Columbus died in poverty. 

1520 Hernando Cortez defeated Spanish troops that had been
sent to punish him in Mexico. 

1690 England passed the Act of Grace, forgiving followers of
James II. 

1674 John Sobieski became Poland’s first King. 

1774 Britain's Parliament passed the Coercive Acts to punish
the American colonists for their increasingly anti-British
behavior 

1775 North Carolina became the first colony to declare its
independence. This is the date that is on the George state
flag even though the date of this event has been questioned. 

1784 The Peace of Versailles ended a war between France,
England, and Holland. 

1830 The fountain pen was patented by H.D. Hyde. 

1861 During the American Civil War, the capital of the
Confederacy was moved from Montgomery, AL, to Richmond, VA. 

1873 Levi Strauss began marketing blue jeans with copper
rivets. 

1899 Jacob German of New York City became the first driver to
be arrested for speeding. The posted speed limit was 12 miles
per hour. 

1902 The U.S. military occupation of Cuba ended. 

1902 Cuba gained its independence from Spain. 

1927 Charles Lindbergh took off from New York to cross the
Atlantic for Paris aboard his airplane the "Spirit of St.
Louis." The trip took 33 1/2 hours. 

1930 The first airplane was catapulted from a dirigible. 

1932 Amelia Earhart took off to fly solo across the Atlantic
Ocean. She became the first woman to achieve the feat. 

1939 The first telecast over telephone wires was sent from
Madison Square Garden to the NBC-TV studios at 30 Rockefeller
Center in Manhattan. The event was a bicycle race. 

1939 The first regular air-passenger service across the
Atlantic Ocean began with the take-off of the "Yankee Clipper"
from Port Washington, New York. The US stopped selling Helium
to Germany and discouraged flying with Zeppelins.

1941 Germany invaded Crete by air. 

1942 Japan completed the conquest of Burma. 

1949 DearWebby was born

1961 A white mob attacked the Freedom Riders in Montgomery,
AL. The event prompted the federal government to send U.S.
marshals. 

1969 U.S. and South Vietnamese forces captured Apbia Mountain,
which was referred to as Hamburger Hill. 

1970 100,000 people marched in New York supporting U.S.
policies in Vietnam. 

1978 Mavis Hutchinson, at age 53, became the first woman to
run across America. It took Hutchinson 69 days to run the
3,000 miles. 

1980 The submarine Nautilus was designated as a National
Historic Landmark by the U.S. Secretary of the Interior. 

1985 The FBI arrested U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer John
Walker. Walker had begun spying for the Soviet Union in 1968. 

1990 The Hubble Space Telescope sent back its first
photographs. 

1996 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Colorado measure
banning laws that would protect homosexuals from
discrimination. 

1999 At Heritage High School in Conyers, GA, a 15-year-old
student shot and injured six students. He then surrendered to
an assistant principal at the school. 

2010 Scientists announced that they had created a functional
synthetic genome. 

2010 Five paintings worth 100 million Euro were stolen from
the Musée d'Art Moderne de la Ville de Paris. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 19
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard 
in her bra
href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 18 in
1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, 
Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where 
she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Being in politics is like being a football coach.
You have to be smart enough to understand the game,
and dumb enough to think it's important.
--- Eugene McCarthy

Women should be obscene and not heard.
--- Groucho Marx
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The
father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. Ill be across the
field.

An hour later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son.

"What's wrong?",  the father asked. " I told you to be quiet!"

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed
down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs
and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?',  I
guess I just panicked."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

2015 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [
] Both [ ]

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes  [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all
that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel
9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per
week:
________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

*If none, please explain when you expect to get out of jail:
__________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

*If less than 1 hour, please explain where you are incarcerated:
____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
    insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to
   attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the
window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

Do you read English or Spanish?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't know

Do you recognize and understand any road signs other
than McDonalds and Denny's?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Has pot been legalized in California?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't know
[ ] Don't care

Do you prefer cars with the turn signal factory pre-set for
[ ] left
[ ] right
[ ] off

Are your mirrors adjusted for
[ ] checking make-up
[ ] checking the kids in the back seat
[ ] your bald rear tires
[ ] missing

If you see an old sneaker on the freeway, do you
[ ] slam on the brakes and hope you can sue the turkeys
    who rear-end you
[ ] swerve to nail it with your tire
[ ] both

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this
test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or
move.

If you can speak enough Spanglish to be able to pretend to be an
illegal immigrant, then you don't need a drivers license. In
that case, sign here: _____________
______________________________________________________



Share
_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by Moe:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 
39,
Newton, 
Massachusetts

MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard 
in her bra

A Massawhosits woman was found with an exotic lizard in her bra
following a drunk driving arrest on Tuesday, police said.
Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 39, of Newton, was charged with operating
a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor, driving to
endanger and a marked lane violation. Her car hit six mailboxes
before it left the roadway and went onto a lawn — flattening all
four tires and ripping off both bumpers —Tuesday afternoon on
Staple Street in Taunton.

"She came down here and went airborne," said Faith Adams, a
witness who described the crash path into the mailboxes.
When police arrived and approached Rebello-McCarthy, they said
she began laughing. She was also slurring her words and at times
drooling.

Before she was transported to the police station, she told
police that she had a bearded dragon in her bra.
"You have to keep the lizard warm, they're cold blooded. That's
why she carried it in her bra," Cindy Berglund, another witness
to the crash, said.

Berglund added that the driver was mumbling when she got out of
the car. "She couldn't stand up. She couldn't talk," Berglund
said. "She was out of it."

A man who was with her — who police said was also slurring his
words — was found with what appeared to be a semi-automatic
weapon tucked in his waistband. He was subdued after a brief
tussle. He was taken into protective custody. 
(Drunk tank) The gun turned out to be an airsoft gun, not a real
firearm.

The bearded dragon was not injured and is now in the possession
of the Taunton animal control officer for feeding until Amy
Rebello-McCarthy gets out of jail. They are harmless and eat
insects, flowers and fruit.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Veronica
Re: Sharpening pictures
Dear Webby
Why can't a picture that has been sharpened (increase
contrast) too much, be restored after saving? I found that
if I sharpen a picture and then save it, it often turns
blotchy, and softening it does not reverse the previous
sharpening. What is the story behind that?
By the way, I use Paint Shop Pro.
Veronica

Dear Veronica
Always keep the file format in PSP or PSD until all editing is
finished, and then finally save a JPG copy. The PSP format
stores a reversible history, JPG doesn't.

When you increase contrast, you throw away mid tones.
Softening creates mid tones by averaging. Those mid tones
are not the same as the original ones.

When you save a picture as a JPG and use compression,
you throw away additional mid tones. You can't get those
back either. That is why it is so important to save an
original in .psp or .psd format.

Quite often, instead of sharpening, all you need is
clarifying. That reduces fuzziness or mist by throwing away
only the lighter mid tones, but leaving the darker ones.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Employee Evaluation

Be sure to read through to the bottom...

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the
odd numbered lines.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Using a Binder Clip for Toothpaste
By joanWZ [70 Posts, 21 Comments]
When pushing toothpaste from the bottom to the top, sometimes we
cannot help it that we'll push the tube in the middle. And one
more thing, if the toothpaste is half empty already, we have to
keep pushing to get out! So what I did was use those binder clip
from my office. Fold the bottom of the toothpaste tube and clip
it with the binder. Easy, yet helpful.



 
Walking on edge of tower in Toronto
____________________________________________________

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use
of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about
it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked
his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again
went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know,
Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...
"Yes, and nobody lent a car to any of them either!"
___________________________________________________


 
Soft stone rugs.
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say
I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your
skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty
five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted, pausing at the door,
ready to sprint fro his life.
"I haven't added them up yet."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Thanks to Martin for this story:

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one
Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where
 he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
Hello," said the little boy.

Hi," replied the little girl.

Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
answered the little girl.

Me too," replied the little boy.  "I'm also on my way home
from church."

Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the
little girl. What about you?"

I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,"
replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so
they decided that they'd walk together.  They came to a
low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin
me alive," said the little girl.

My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl.  "I'm
gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and
wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.  "I'm going
to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet.  They were standing
there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their
clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked,
"You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between a Baptist and a
Catholic."

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 19
1535 French explorer Jacques Cartier set sail for North America.


1536 Anne Boleyn, the second wife of England's King Henry VIII,
was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery. 

1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of
Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen
Elizabeth. 

1588 The Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon, bound for England.


1608 The Protestant states formed the Evangelical Union of
Lutherans and Calvinists. 

1643 Delegates from four New England colonies met in Boston to
form a confederation. 

1643 The French army defeated a Spanish army at Rocroi, France. 

1796 The first U.S. game law was approved. The measure called
for penalties for hunting or destroying game within Indian
territory. 

1847 The first English-style railroad coach was placed in
service on the Fall River Line in Massachusetts. 

1857 The electric fire alarm system was patented by William F.
Channing and Moses G. Farmer. 

1864 The Union and Confederate armies launched their last
attacks against each other at Spotsylvania in Virginia. 

1911 The first American criminal conviction that was based on
fingerprint evidence occurred in New York City. 

1921 The U.S. Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, which
established national quotas for immigrants. 

1926 Benito Mussolini announced that democracy was deceased.
Rome became a fascist state. 

1926 In Damascus, Syria, French shells killed 600 people. 

1928 The first frog-jumping jubilee held in Calaveras County,
CA. 

1935 T.E. Lawrence "Lawrence of Arabia" died from injuries in a
motorcycle crash in England. 

1935 The National Football League (NFL) adopted an annual
college draft to begin in 1936. 

1958 Canada and the U.S. formally established the North American
Air Defense Command. 

1962 Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy
Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a
fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. 

1964 The U.S. State Department reported that diplomats had found
about 40 microphones planted in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. 

1967 The Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States
and Britain that banned nuclear weapons from outer space. 

1974 Erno Rubik invented the puzzle what would later become
known as the Rubik's Cube. 

1967 U.S. planes bombed Hanoi for the first time. 

1988 In Jacksonville, FL, Carlos Lehder Rivas was convicted of
smuggling more than three tons of cocaine into the United
States. Rivas was the co-founder of Colombia's Medellin drug
cartel. 

1992 In Massapequa, NY, Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot and
seriously wounded by Amy Fisher. Fisher was her husband Joey's
teen-age lover. 

1992 The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into
effect. The amendment prohibits Congress from giving itself
midterm pay raises. 

1998 In Russia, strikes broke out over unpaid wages. 

1998 Bandits stole three of Rome's most important paintings from
the National Gallery of Modern Art. 

1999 "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in
the U.S. It set a new record for opening day sales at 28.5
million. 

2000 The bones of the most complete and best-preserved
Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton went on display in Chicago. 

2000 Disney released the movie "Dinosaur." 

2003 It was announced that Worldcom Inc. would pay investor
$500 million to settle civil fraud charges over its $11 billion
accounting scandal. 

2003 Hundreds of Albert Einstein's scientific papers, personal
letters and humanist essays were made available on the Internet.
Einstein had given the papers to the Hebrew Universtiy of
Jerusalem in his will. 

2005 "Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" brought in
50.0 million in its opening day. 

2013 The Yahoo board approved the $1.1 billion purchase of the
blogging site Tumblr. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 18

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old 
baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her 
blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds
href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 18 in
2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea
into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to
protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of
nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a
contest of principles.
--- Ambrose Bierce

Never eat more than you can lift.
--- Miss Piggy

Never confuse movement with action.
--- Ernest Hemingway
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor
for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.
"Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been
sharing these tests for decades and that all of your
students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit
for it?"

"Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize
that the subject is economics. The answers are different
each year!"

--------------------
Yeah, I remember that. Economics is the science of
explaining today why the predictions that you made
yesterday won't come true tomorrow.
With extra points for using big or Latin words.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

>From G.G.Amanda
Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage
nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved
on to the finer points of lovemaking. "One thing to
keep in mind is that different women say different things
during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing."

"What do you mean, Uncle Greg?"

Well, for example, their words will vary according to
their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to
say, "Are you done yet?"
On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask,
"Are you done already?"

"What do other women say?"

Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this
over and over again until you get it right!"

A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend
over."

That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will
say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose
and breathe normally."

"And what does Aunty Keli say? "

She says, "Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the
ceiling beige."
______________________________________________________

From Dad


This one bloomed yesterday
_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Charles Elliott, 18, 
Erica Shyrock, 19
Magnolia,
Arkansas

Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old 
baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her 
blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds

A teenage couple from Arkansas have been arrested after
police say their newborn daughter was found covered in
blood and suffering from up to 100 rat bites all over her
body, including a wound on her head through which the
baby’s skull was visible.

Erica Shyrock, 19, and her 18-year-old boyfriend, Charles
Elliott, were taken into police custody in Magnolia on
Sunday and charged with first-degree endangering the
welfare of a minor.

According to a graphic arrest affidavit, the case began
unfolding at around 11.30am Sunday when police were
summoned to Magnolia Regional Medical Center about a baby
that had been bitten by rats.

An emergency room nurse told the responding officers that
the girl was 15 days old and weighed just 5lbs.

An examination has revealed that the infant had 75 to 100
rat bites all over her body, including on her arms,
fingers, hands and face.
The worst injury was an inch-wide gash on the baby's
forehead that was so deep it exposed a portion of her
skull, the affidavit stated, according to a report by
ArkansasMatters.com.

When interviewed by police, Shyrock, who has been dating
Elliott since 2015, recounted how she put her daughter to
sleep at around 5.30am in her bassinet placed next to the
parents’ bed and was awakened by her screams two hours
later.
When the 19-year-old mom looked in the crib, she said she
found her baby girl covered in blood. Elliott, who was
interviewed separately, also told police he saw bloody rat
footprints in the crib.
Both parents said they were aware there their home was
infested with rats but failed to address the problem.

In the course of the investigation, police interviewed
Elliott’s' mother, Regina Barton, who revealed to them that
her son told her the baby had been bitten by a mouse and
that he was afraid to lose custody of her.
Barton said she urged her son to take the injured newborn
to the hospital anyway.
Elliott cleaned up some of the blood, and he and Shyrock
said they waited an additional hour and a half for Barton
to arrive at their home before seeking medical help for
their baby at 9am.

Under questioning, Elliott reiterated to police he was
afraid.

The couple's roommate, Maggie Williams, later gave police
permission to search the residence, where they were able to
recover the crib with the bloody rodent paw prints, a
baby's blood-soaked hat, a baby blanket with blood stains
on it and rodent droppings on a cabinet.

On Monday, Elliott and Shyrock's daughter underwent a
reconstructive surgery to close the gaping wound on her
forehead.
A doctor at Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock,
where the victim has been transferred for treatment, sent
police a note on Tuesday saying the child suffered severe
skin destruction from rat feeding.

The physician determined the damage would have taken ‘hours
to occur and the baby would have been in distress
(screaming) during that time.’ The doctor suggested that
the parents were ‘either incapacitated or absent to not
have responded to the baby's distress.’

Shyrock and Elliott are both being held at Columbia County
Justice and Detention Facility without a bond.

According to Shyrock’s Facebook page, the teen mom also has
an older daughter whom she had while she was aged 16 or 17.
Nobody knows where that child is. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Noella
Re: Installing DSL in the deep South
Dear Webby

Subject: installing dsl modem & filters 

August 11, 2004

Instructions for installing Alltel DSL modem:

 1. Insert CD that came with modem and follow directions.

 2. Go back and enable DSL in system settings.

 3. Start over.

 4. Apply DSL filters to all phone jacks. You have four
phones and Alltel sent three filters.

 5. Dryer alert goes off. Take clothes out of dryer so they
don't wrinkle.

 6. Put in clothes from washer and start dryer.

 7. Start new load in washer.

 8. Go to basement to check if kids left TV on overnight.

 9. Turn off TV and clean kids’ area.

10. Change trash bag and notice water on floor hasn’t
evaporated in last 5 days.

11. Use old blanket to absorb water. Blanket not big
enough.

12. Go get bucket and large sponge and sponge water into
bucket.

13. Empty 1 gallon of water down drain.

14. Come upstairs and fix lunch.

15. Empty dishwasher

16. Eat lunch

17. Load dish washer.

18. Come back to computer room to finish installing DSL.

19. Reconfigure fax machine and telephone lines to correct
configuration to work with DSL.

20. Plug in Ethernet line. Ethernet line won’t go into wall
jack.

21. Watch video.

22. Plug Ethernet line into modem.

23. Plug modem into wall DSL filter, knocking mouse off
desk.

24. Move chair into other room so that you can pull trundle
out from under day bed to look for mouse ball. Mouse ball
not there.

25. Pick up papers from floor. Mouse ball not there.

26. Look in all corners of room. Mouse ball in fourth
corner.

27. Replace mouse ball and click “next.”

28. Realize that you’ve forgotten to plug power cord into
electrical plug on surge protector. Plug in power cord.

29. Realize that plug was too close to shut-off button on
surge protector when computer goes off.

30. Go look for three-way plug to make room for more plugs
in surge protector.

31. Make sure to move trash can from in front of kitchen
drawers so IT doesn’t fall over. Electrical plugs not in
drawer.

32. Check all other drawers in kitchen. Electrical plugs
not in ANY drawer.

33. Remember that the baggie holding electrical plugs are
probably on front porch, left over from installing white
lights above screens on porch.

34. Find electrical plugs in front porch, bring them into
computer room.

35. Plug everything in and turn computer back on.

36. Take out DSL CD and find SCAN CD to find “feature you
are trying to use is on a CD-Rom or to her removable disk
that is not available.”

37. Take SCAN CD out and reinsert DSL CD.

38. Finish DSL set-up.

39. Type report

40. E-mail to friends and family.


Dear Noella!
What a hoot!
Thank you very much for sharing that!

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked
full time, but he never did anything around the house and
certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was
woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and
another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully
set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and
she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a
magazine article that suggested working wives would be more
romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having
to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a
full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at
the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the
laundry and put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say.

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tea Bags for Smelly Shoes
By jhenton.102 [5 Posts]
Put used tea bags into smelly shoes. After a few days, they
won`t smell anymore.


 
Vet and son rescue 10 point buck
____________________________________________________

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
___________________________________________________


 
The man who photographs ocean waves.

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50
cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says,
"Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that
there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read,
"Fred Brown died: Golf clubs for sale."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


The "Dirty" joke from the folks from Erie:
Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without
using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,"
says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up
the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hunnred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you
think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along
and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a
turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hunnred.
So, when I start?!"

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 18
1302 The weaver Peter de Coningk led a massacre of the
Flemish oligarchs. 

1642 Montreal, Canada, was founded. 

1643 Queen Anne, the widow of Louis XIII, was granted sole
and absolute power as regent by the Paris parliament,
overriding the late king's will. 

1652 In Rhode Island, a law was passed that made slavery
illegal in North America. It was the first law of its kind.


1792 Russian troops invaded Poland. 

1802 Great Britain declared war on Napoleon's France. 

1804 Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor by the
French Senate. 

1828 Battle of Las Piedras ended the conflict between
Uruguay and Brazil. 

1896 The U.S. Supreme court upheld the "separate but equal"
policy in the Plessy vs. Ferguson decision. The ruling was
overturned 58 years later with Brown vs. Board of
Education. 

1917 The U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service act,
which called up soldiers to fight in World War I. 

1934 The U.S. Congress approved an act, known as the
"Lindberg Act," that called for the death penalty in
interstate kidnapping cases. 

1944 Monte Cassino, Europe's oldest Monastic house, was
finally captured by the Allies in Italy. 

1951 The United Nations moved its headquarters to New York
City. 

1974 India became the sixth nation to explode an atomic
bomb. 

1980 Mt. Saint Helens erupted in Washington state. 57
people were killed and 3 billion $ in damage was done. 

1983 The U.S. Senate revised immigration laws and gave
millions of illegal aliens legal status under an amnesty
program. 

1994 Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip
ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and
Palestinian authorities took over. 

1998 The U.S. federal government and 20 states filed a
sweeping antitrust case against Microsoft Corp., saying the
computer software company had a "choke hold" on competitors
which denied consumer choices by controlling 90% of the
software market. 

1998 U.S. federal officials arrested more than 130 people
and seized $35 million. This was the end to an
investigation of money laundering being done by a dozen
Mexican banks and two drug-smuggling cartels. 

2012 Facebook Inc. held its initial public offering and
began trading on the NASDAQ. The company was valued at $104
billion making it the largest valuation to date for a newly
listed public company. 

2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea
into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to
protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of
nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing.

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 17

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC man drove 106 mph with small kids 
unbuckled in the car
Details At  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 17 in
1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts 
on Jupiter's surface. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.
--- Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody
trusts an unidentified source.
--- Ron Nesen

or CNN
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that
automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's
screen.

Authorities intend to track down the hackers responsible
for the virus just as soon as somebody complains.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Anni and her family took a tour of England.  They joined a
group of tourists on a bus to visit Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot
where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

Anni pushing her way to the front of the crowd asks, "When
did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

Anni looked at her watch and said, "Shoot! Just missed it
by a half hour!"
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

James Bradley Deese, 
23,
Union,
South Carolina

SC man drove 106 mph with small kids unbuckled 
in the car

Deputies say they arrested a Union man who they clocked
driving over 100 mph with two small children unbuckled in
the back seat.

James Bradley Deese, 23, was charged by the Union County
Sheriff’s Office with reckless driving and driving under
suspension. He was also ticketed for having two
unrestrained children in the vehicle.

Deputies say they started following Deese just before 9
p.m. Wednesday on Lockhart Highway. Radar indicated he was
driving 106 mph.

Deese slowed down to 86 mph when deputies turned on blue
lights to pull the small car over. It was during the talk
with Deese that deputies say they noticed two small
children were in the back seat of the car.

They were not restrained or wearing seat belts, according
to the incident report.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Britta P
Re: Phone plus DSL at the same time
Dear Webby
Is it safe to dump my first phone number and just use the
second one that has the DSL on it? Would I get knocked
off the net if somebody calls in or if I call out? How does
that work, in simple terms please!
Thanks
Britta P

Dear Britta
It's perfectly safe to do that.
The phone and the DSL share the wire, but they use
different frequencies. An analogy would be a glass fiber
or rod that passes light through it. A beam of red light
would carry the phone stuff, and a beam of blue light
would carry the Internet stuff. At each end is a crystal
prism that splits the light into the different colors of
the rainbow. The phone only sees the red and reddish
colors, and the DSL modem only sees the blue and bluish
colors.

Neither the phone nor the DSL modem see or are aware
of what goes on in the other device's color band.

Exactly the same happens with your phone cable. 
Neither the phone nor the DSL modem see or are aware
of what goes on in the other device's frequency band.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tea Bags for Smelly Shoes
By jhenton.102 [5 Posts]
If you ever have a pair of shoes that don't smell very good
then I have an easy solution for you! Just take some tea
bags and place them in your shoes while not in use, in a
day or two your shoes won't have any bad smell!


 
Vet and son rescue 10 point buck
____________________________________________________

When Little Johnny's family moved into their new house, a
visiting relative asked him how he liked the new place.

"It's great!" he said. "I have my own room, Billy has his
own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Dad is
still stuck with Mom."
___________________________________________________


 
The man who photographs ocean waves.

Magdalena  spent some months serving God in Kenya.
On her final visit to a remote township Magdalena  attended
a medical clinic.  As the Maasai women there began to sing
together, Magdalena was deeply moved by their hauntingly
beautiful harmonies and wanted to always remember this
moment and recorded it to share it with friends after
getting home.

With tears flowing down the cheeks, Magdalena  turned
to a local and asked, "Can you please tell me the
translation of the words to this song?"

The local looked at Magdalena  and solemnly replied,
"If you boil the water, you won't get the shits."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


After a hardy Arkansas rainstorm filled all  the potholes
in the back alley, a young mother watched her two little
boys playing in a water puddle through her kitchen  window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed  his
sibling by the back of the head and shoved his face into
the water hole.

As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and
dripping, the mother ran to the back yard in a panic."Why
on Earth did you do that to your little brother?"she
inquired as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church,' Mommy"  He said. "I was
baptizing him  like the preacher did in church last Sunday.
I said, "I now baptize you in the name of the father, the
son, and in-the-hole-he-goes!"


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 17
1540 Afghan chief Sher Khan defeated Mongul Emperor Humayun
at Kanauj. 

1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts on
Jupiter's surface. 

1681 Louis XIV sent an expedition to aid James II in
Ireland. As a result, England declares war on France. 

1756 Britain declared war on France, beginning the French
and Indian War. 

1792 The New York Stock Exchange was founded at 70 Wall
Street by 24 brokers. 

1814 Denmark ceded Norway to Sweden. Norway's constitution,
which provided a limited monarchy, was signed. 

1875 The first Kentucky Derby was run at Louisville, KY. 

1877 The first telephone switchboard burglar alarm was
installed by Edwin T. Holmes. 

1926 The U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires was damaged by bombs
that were believed set by sympathizers of Sacco and
Vanzetti. 

1932 The U.S. Congress changed the name "Porto Rico" to
"Puerto Rico." 

1939 The first fashion to be shown on television was
broadcast in New York from the Ritz-Carleton Hotel. 

1940 Germany occupied Brussels, Belgium and began the
invasion of France. 

1946 U.S. President Truman seized control of the nation's
railroads, delaying a threatened strike by engineers and
trainmen. 

1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 

1954 The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled for school
integration in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. The
ruling declared that racially segregated schools were
inherently unequal. 

1956 The first synthetic mica (synthamica) was offered for
sale in Caldwell Township, NJ. 

1975 NBC TV bought the rights to show "Gone With the Wind."
The one time rights cost NBC $5,000,000. 

1980 Rioting erupted in Miami's Liberty City neighborhood
after an all-white jury in Tampa acquitted four former
Miami police officers of fatally beating black insurance
executive Arthur McDuffie. Eight people were killed in the
rioting. 

1985 Bobby Ewing died on the season finale of "Dallas" on
CBS-TV. He returned the following season. 

1987 An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark
in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors. Iraq and
the United States called the attack a mistake. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring
neighborhood notification when sex offenders move in.
Megan's Law was named for 7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was
raped and killed in 1994. 

1997 Rebel leader Kabila declared himself president of the
Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly Zaire. 

1999 Eric Ford, a tabloid photographer, was sentenced to 6
months at a halfway house, 3 years probation and 150 hours
of community service. The sentence stemmed from a charge
that Ford had eavesdropped on a call between Tom Cruise and
Nicole Kidman and then sold a recording of the
conversation. 

2000 Austria, the U.S. and six other countries agreed on
the broad outline of a plan that would compensate Nazi-Era
forced labor. 

2002 Legoland Deutschland opened in Günzburg, Germany. 

2006 The U.S. aircraft carrier Oriskany was sunk about 24
miles off Pensacola Beach. It was the first vessel sunk
under a Navy program to dispose of old warships by turning
them into diving attractions. It was the largest man-made
reef at the time of the sinking. 

2007 Trains crossed the border dividing North and South
Korea for the first time since 1953. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 16

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman steals $300 cash from yard sale 
half mile from where she lives, gives the finger, 
drives off.
Details At  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 16 in
1770 Marie Antoinette, at age 14, married the future King
Louis XVI of France, who was 15. She was the last queen of
France, guillotined in the French Revolution 18 years
later.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear
inevitable by a competent historian.
--- Lee Simonson

Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished
for any very remarkable felicities of expression.
--- Amos Bronson Alcott (1799 - 1888)

The more things a man is ashamed of,
the more respectable he is.
--- George Bernard Shaw

Would you be more content with six million dollars or six
children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six
million dollars will always want more.
--- Socratex
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Little Johnny was rough housing with his dog. His mother
said to him, "Now, Johnny, I know you love Wilbur, but
you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone
really huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you
couldn't breathe?"

Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd
feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

>From Walter, the Stonecarver at http://stonecarver.com

The French government announced yesterday  that it has
raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.

The only  two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate.

The raising of the alert level was precipitated by a recent
fire which destroyed  France's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing their military.

______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Susan Weitzel, 
68,
Ocala,
Florida

Florida woman steals $300 cash from yard sale 
half mile from where she lives, gives the finger, 
drives off. 

A Florida woman accused of stealing from a yard sale gave
her victims a middle-finger salute as they attempted to
chase her down.

According to WKMG, Susan Weitzel, 68, of Ocala, went to a
yard sale hosted by two sisters and their mother inside The
Villages on Saturday. 

Weitzel asked a woman who was watching a cash box filled
with $300 to get a bag because she wanted to buy a china
bowl. As the woman left her post, Weitzel opened the cash
box and placed the money in her pockets, according to WKMG.

When confronted by a witness, Weitzel took off toward her
white Ford F-150 and got in. One of the victims reached the
truck before it left, and tried to open the door, but it
was locked. Weitzel gave the woman the middle finger before
driving off, WKMG reported.

Authorities later found Weitzel at her home, only a half-
mile from the yard sale. Police say she tried to escape
through her back door to avoid arrest.

She was arrested and charged with grand theft and resisting
an officer without violence.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: John
Re: Open multiple folders
Dear Webby
Is it possible in Windows 7 home to view the contents of
multiple folders in one window?  I am converting the format
of music files which are organized into folders and it
would be helpful to view all of the music files at once.
 Thanks,
 John

Dear John
Just open multiple file Explorer windows.
For example one to show the Music folder on the C: drive,
one to show the MP3 folder on the E: drive, one to show the
MiscMusic folder on the CD and one to show the Music
folder on the USB hard drive.

Then you can drag stuff back and forth or into a staging
folder for assembling a DVD.

If you want to view ALL files of a type, for example MP3,
on all drives, do a SEARCH and look for *.mp3 , all drives.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to the insurance
agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age
receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a
checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through
the chore. When she asked, "What are the age and make
of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its des-
perate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil." Inside,
the office assistant entered the data into her computer and
frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained,
"but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Paper Plate Cookie Gift Basket
By ShirleyE [169 Posts, 106 Comments]


Who doesn't like cookies? And homemade cookies are the
best. Here is a simple and super cool way to present your
homemade cookies as a gift. Who wouldn't be delighted to
receive them?
Paper Plate Cookie Gift Basket - cookie gift pack
Supplies:
1 paper plate
marker pen
glue
string or ribbon
4 large hole beads
ruler
pair of scissors
decorations, such as stickers
tissue paper
cellophane
 
Steps:
Draw a rectangle in the middle of the plate.
extend the two long sides to the edge of the plate
Cut along these extensions.
Fold the ends in and crease.
Fold along the long edges and crease.
crease along the fold
apply glue
Turn up the short sides first and then the long sides. Bend
the points around and hold them together until the glue
sets. If your glue is slow drying use a peg (clothespin) to
hold them in place.
turn up short sides and then long sides hold until glue
sets
decorate with ribbon or string
add beads to ends
add stickers or other decorations 
Line the basket with tissue paper.
line with tissue paper
Wrap your cookies in cellophane before displaying them in
the basket.


 " target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40F8mALRukA">
When your office is 2,000 
feet up!
____________________________________________________

A man returned from Africa feeling very ill. He went
to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately
rushed to the hospital, to undergo a range of tests.

The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital, and the phone by his bed was ringing.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus,
which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes,
and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we
can get under the door."
___________________________________________________


 

Ink in motion.

Tech Support:
"How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer:
"Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an
intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical
mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 16 
1770 Marie Antoinette, at age 14, married the future King
Louis XVI of France, who was 15. 

1866 The U.S. Congress authorized the first 5-cent piece to
be minted. 

1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted during the
Senate impeachment, by one vote. 

1879 The Treaty of Gandamak between Russia and England set
up the Afghan state. It has been at war ever since.

1881 In Germany, the first electric tram for the public
started service. 

1888 The first demonstration of recording on a flat disc
was demonstrated by Emile Berliner. 

1920 Joan of Arc was canonized in Rome. 

1946 "Annie Get Your Gun" opened on Broadway. 

1946 Jack Mullin showed the world the first magnetic tape
recorder. 

1960 A Big Four summit in Paris collapsed due to the
American U-2 spy plane incident. 

1960 Theodore Maiman, at Hughes Research Laboratory in
California, demonstrated the first working laser. 

1963 After 22 Earth orbits Gordon Cooper returned to Earth,
ending Project Mercury. 

1965 Spaghetti-O's were sold for the first time. 

1969 Venus 5, a Russian spacecraft, landed on the planet
Venus. 

1975 Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to
reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

1977 Five people were killed when a New York Airways
helicopter, idling on top of the Pan Am Building in
Manhattan, toppled over, sending a huge rotor blade flying.


1987 The Bobro 400 set sail from New York Harbor with 3,200
tons of garbage. The barge travelled 6,000 miles in search
of a place to dump its load. It returned to New York Harbor
after 8 weeks with the same load. 

1988 A report released by Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
declared that nicotine was addictive in similar was as
heroin and cocaine. No kidding, Bubba?

1988 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police do not have
to have a search warrant to search discarded garbage. 

1991 Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to
address the U.S. Congress. 

1992 The Endeavour space shuttle landed safely after its
maiden voyage. 

1996 Admiral Jeremy "Mike" Boorda, the nation's top Navy
officer, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after
some of his military awards were called into question. 

1997 In Zaire, President Mobutu Sese Seko gave control of
the country to rebel forces ending 32 years of autocratic
rule. 

2000 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was nominated
to run for U.S. Senator in New York. She was the first U.S.
first lady to run for public office. It was a no-contest
campaign designed to appease her after the Lewisnsky
scandal.

2005 Sony Corp. unveiled three styles of its new
PlayStation 3 video game machine.

2017  smiled.
 
 

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
		Subscribe

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 16

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!



Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

____________________________________________________
1
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to
come back to his hotel.  When they are relaxing afterwards,
he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" 

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," she says. "Your face does look familiar."

_____________________________________________________
2
An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first
time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and
of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally, the
exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and
come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the
results. She then said she really only had one question for
him.

The doctor said, What is the question you have?

Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a
living?
_____________________________________________________
3
While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council
office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing
street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking
about the NATO phonetic alphabet.

She said that she had learned it some years ago and
proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."

But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and
asked for help.

I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"

"Underwear?" she replied.

____________________________________________________
4
Several years ago the United States funded a study to
determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than
the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The
results of the study concluded that the reason the head
of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide
the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to
conduct their own study on the same subject. They were
convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect.
After three years of research and costs in excess of
$250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis
is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more
pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released,
Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies
didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly
three weeks of intensive research, several thousand
volunteers and a cost of around $75, the Aussie study
reached the final conclusion that the reason the head on
a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

_____________________________________________________
5
A fight broke out between a couple of redneck locals and a
lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole.
After easily laying out the drunken hillbillies, the biker
heard someone behind him!  
So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the
groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid
picking up empty glasses.

When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the
woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"

She answered, "I ain't never had no altercation!  These is
all my 'riginal parts."

_____________________________________________________
6
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do
if I die before you do?" 

Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd
probably look for a house sharing situation with three
other single or widowed women who might be a little younger
than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom
asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" 

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

=====================================================



















Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia







If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar, 

or two, if you can afford it!

Please, help me stay online!
======================================================

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Enjoy!
Ophelia








Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 15

Hi Daniel,
For The Thirtty-Fifth Time,
You Forget That You Are Still A Yahoo.
Att.Net  Is Just A Mask For Yahoos, 
Who Are Ashamed Of Being Yahoos.
There Is Nothing I Can Do About Your Subscription,
After It Has Entered The Yahoo Server.
It Is Up To You To Either
A) Stop The Blocking, Or
B) Get A Reliable Address On The Side.

You Can Continue Using Att.Net / Yahoo For
Cybersex And Baseball Card Trading, 
You Just Need A Respectable Address On The Side 
For Stuff, That You Or Yahoo Are Blocking.
Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
New Jersey Man High On Pcp Busted After He 
Stops Car In The Middle Of The Lincoln Tunnel 
To Masturbate
Details At  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 15 in
1602 - Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
--- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) 

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
--- James Thurber

I think AOL is built on that concept
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Euro-Heaven is where the police are British,
the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers
Italian, and every detail is coordinated by the Swiss.

Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it's
organized by the Italians.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Baking Cookies With Your Cat
 1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
 2. Get cup of coffee.
 3. Get cat off of cookbook.
 4. Find that special recipe.
 5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
 6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
 7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
 8. Break eggs in small bowl.
 9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal
     bathroom things knocked over on top of the counter.
21. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Clean up bathroom.
25. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now.
26. Get wet cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.
30. Casually fling cat onto the roof of a passing Winnebago
31. Act surprised when you find that the cat has made it
    home before you.
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Ismael Esquilin, 
48, 
Passaic, 
N.J., 

New Jersey man high on PCP busted after he 
stops car in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel 
to masturbate

The Lincoln Tunnel became the tunnel of self-love when a
man high on PCP blocked traffic with his minivan to take
time to pleasure himself, authorities said.

Port Authority cops busted Ismael Esquilin, 48, of Passaic,
N.J., about 7:15 p.m. Thursday when his Dodge minivan was
found stopped in the middle of the New Jersey-bound side of
the Hudson River tunnel, holding up traffic.

When cops approached the car, they found Esquilin removing
his clothes and “performing a lewd act,” Port Authority
spokesman Joe Pentangelo said.

The idling minivan was running and the keys were in the
ignition.

Cops also found a glass pipe and small glass bottles
containing PCP on the passenger seat floor.

After cops covered Esquilin with a blanket, the man
admitted that he had smoked PCP — but refused to take a
Breathalyzer test, authorities said.

Police took Esquilin to New Jersey, where he was charged
with drug possession, driving under the influence of drugs,
reckless driving and impeding traffic, officials said. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Barbara
Re: Too many unknown programs running
Dear Webby
I have Microsoft Windows 7 home edition and have 
"suddenly developed" a problem -- under Windows Task 
Manager, Processes, it shows 40 are running, all but a 
couple are exe files but I am unable to identify what they
are. Have been trying to defrag but each time I bring 
it up, I get a message saying there is insufficient room on

my puter to do so.  It seems to me the reason there isn't 
enough room is due to all those programs running
at the same time.  How do I stop them without causing a 
problem or losing them - they may be things I will want or 
need.
 
Barbara  

Dear Barbara
TaskManager shows how much RAM those programs use. 
Install Spybot-Search&Destroy from the right side menu.
That will get rid of the spyware.

Then run it in Advanced mode and analyze the start up. 
It will let you disable all the programs that are safe to 
disable.

However, all of that does not give you disk space. That
just gives you more available RAM.

To get more free disk space you will just have to get rid
of files.

Use Everything from http://www.voidtools.com/  
it is free. With that you can list ALL the pictures.
Chances are that you have a lot of unnecessary pictures,
like the silly stuff from Incredimail.
Sort by size, and get rid of that crap.
The same goes for the other end of the scale. There are
probably all kinds of excessively huge pictures sent to you
ages ago. Dump them.

Then look at program files. You can use Everything to show
just programs. There are probably a bunch that you only
vaguely remember, but that you have not used for ages.
Check their location, then go to that lokation, look for an
UNinstall file, and UNinstall them. Quite often, but not
always, that gets rid of all their auxiliary files. You
might still have to manually clean up a bit, but most
should be gone after UNinstalling.

In an evening of cleaning up you should be able to make
enough room that the Defrag from Glary Utilities will run.

If there is stuff that you dont really want to dump, but
wont be using for some time, then move it onto an 8 or 16
GB camera chip. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory
test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times
three?"

"274," came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling,
and says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes
his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your
turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.
"How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."



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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Preventing and Killing Weeds Between Bricks
Vinegar can kill weeds and grass when poured full strength
in cement driveways or brick walkways.
By imaqt1962


 
Mountain biking - extreme
____________________________________________________

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
 troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful
 for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
 you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when,
 if through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax at any given moment,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then,........
You are probably the family dog.
___________________________________________________


 
A stained glass cabin in the woods.
Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's
recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.

"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do
you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married
and taper off gradually."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


From Lynn
My son's friend was spending the night,
both are a 11 years old. I guess the classics
are not big at his friend's house.  While I was
talking about some classic movies, I asked
Andy if he ever saw "Gone With The Wind."

He said "No, but saw "Gone in 60 Seconds."

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 15
1602 - Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 

1614 An aristocratic uprising in France ended with the
treaty of St.Menehould. 

1618 Johannes Kepler discovered his harmonics law. 

1702 The War of Spanish Succession began. 

1768 Under the Treaty of Versailles, France purchased
Corsica from Genoa just in time before Napoleon was born. 

1795 Napoleon entered the Lombardian capital of Milan. 

1849 Neapolitan troops entered Palermo, and were in
possession of Sicily. 

1911 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the dissolution of
Standard Oil Company, ruling it was in violation of the
Sherman Antitrust Act. 

1916 U.S. Marines landed in Santo Domingo to quell civil
disorder. 

1918 Regular airmail service between New York City,
Philadelphia and Washington, DC, began under the direction
of the Post Office Department, which later became the U.S.
Postal Service. 

1926 Roald Amundsen and Lincoln Ellsworth were forced down
in Alaska after a four-day flight over an icecap. Ice had
begun to form on the dirigible Norge. 

1926 The New York Rangers were officially granted a
franchise in the NHL. The NHL also announced that Chicago
and Detroit would be joining the league in November. 

1930 Ellen Church became the first female flight attendant.


1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the
U.S. 

1942 Gasoline rationing began in the U.S. The limit was 3
gallons a week for nonessential vehicles. 

1948 Israel was attacked by Transjordan, Egypt, Syria, Iraq
and Lebanon only hours after declaring its independence. 

1951 AT&T became the first corporation to have one million
stockholders. 

1957 Britain dropped its first hydrogen bomb on Christmas
Island in the Pacific Ocean. 

1958 Sputnik III, the first space laboratory, was launched
in the Soviet Union. 

1963 The last Project Mercury space flight was launched. 

1964 The Smothers Brothers, Dick and Tom, gave their first
concert in Carnegie Hall in New York City. 

1970 U.S. President Nixon appointed America's first two
female generals. 

1972 Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur
Bremer in Laurel, MD while campaigning for the U.S.
presidency. Wallace was paralyzed by the shot. 

1975 The merchant ship U.S. Mayaguez was recaptured from
Cambodia's Khmer Rouge. 

1980 The first transcontinental balloon crossing of the
United States took place. 

1983 In Boston,MA, the Madison Hotel was destroyed by
implosion. 

1988 The Soviet Union began their withdrawal of its 115,000
troops from Afghanistan. Soviet forces had been there for
more than eight years. 

1990 Vincent Van Gogh's "Portrait of Doctor Gachet" was
sold for $82.5 million. The sale set a new world record. 

1997 The Space shuttle Atlantis blasted off on a mission to
deliver urgently needed repair equipment and a fresh
American astronaut to Russia's orbiting Mir station. 

2014 The National September 11 Memorial Museum was
dedicated in New York City. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 14

Thank you William!

Happy Mothers Day!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks 
over president's quote.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 14 in
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in 
law Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have
to alter it every six months.
--- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

When we ask for advice,
we are usually looking for an accomplice.
--- Marquis de la Grange

Most people don't want advice.
They want agreement with their preconceived notions.
--- Socratex
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Thanks to Roland for this story:
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of
a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost
it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose
your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name.
The kids used   to tease me all the time. So I stayed to
myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older
I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred
Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way
through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred
Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around
with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred
Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my
DDS. Then I  was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA
found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling,
so now I  am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks to Dianne for bringing back this classic. It used to
be very popular when part of Hongkong moved to BC and
turned Vancouver into Hongkoofa.

I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I
went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line......just one guy in front of me....

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little agitated....he asked the
teller.... "Why it change?
"Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get
hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy screamed, "Fluc you white guys too!"
______________________________________________________



Yunnan in China
_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Tonya Waddell, 
Richmond Early College High School
Hamlet,
North Carolina

North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks 
over president's quote

A North Carolina high school recalled its yearbooks after
the hysterically fanatic Hillarite principal Tonya Waddell 
saw a senior's quote which read 
"Build that wall" President Donald Trump 

The hysterical Hillarite objected to seeing a quote by the
elected president and recalled the year books. 
Only quotes by Hillary are allowed.

They will use taxpayer money to refund for all the books.

The school district said on Facebook Tuesday. "The
principal immediately collected the distributed yearbooks."

Free speech is definitely NOT allowed.
And they bitch about North Korea!

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Anna
Re: RansomWare
Dear Webby
What's the real story about all this WanaCrypt0r, that the
media can't stop blathering about? 

I got W7, updated, and MalwareBytes PRO lifetime as you
suggested years ago. 
I also have MailWasher, just for my private enjoyment.
Sure is fun to see how it makes the spam fly to hell,
UNREAD, just showing in the pie chart.

Do I have to worry about that Ransomware?
Keep up the good work!
Anna

Dear Anna
No, you don't have to worry about it.
MalwareBytes PRO protects you. The free version apparently
might not protect against it, but you are covered.

Having Windows updated is also quite necessary these days.
Don't worry, they finished with messing with the user
interface in W7 and are just doing security fixes nowadays.

Anybody, who signed up for the free 2019 update deal for
industrial / commercial XP users when I wrote about it 3-4
years ago, is also covered. Those, who were too lazy or not
smart enough, like the British National Health Servive or
some European car manufacturing plants, well, they are up
shit creek without a paddle now.

With a virus, that spreads laterally across networks, not
point to point, the unprotected British National Health
Service was a high speed conveyor belt going in all
directions. 

I imagine somebody might get frowned at.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree
above a river, his axe fell into the river. The river was
deep and swift; he could not retrieve his axe, and he was
too poor to buy a new one. Knowing that he was doomed to
poverty and starvation, he began to weep.

As he sobbed, God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter told Him about his lost axe. God went down
into the water and reappeared with a wonderful golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "No."

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is
this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said, "No."

God went down again and came up with the woodcutter's old
iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.

The woodcutter said, "Yes."

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the
three axes. The woodcutter went home happily.

One day the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank and his wife fell into the river and was swept
away. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"

"My wife has fallen into water."

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer
Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" God asked.

"Yes," the woodcutter said.

God was furious. "Once you were an honest man - but now you
have become a liar and a cheat!!"

The man quickly said, "Forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. If I say 'No' to Jennifer Lopez, you will
come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say 'No' to
her, you will finally come up with my wife, and I will say
'Yes.' Then you will give all the three to me! I am a poor
man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So,
that's why I had to say 'Yes!' "



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peeling Hard Boiled Eggs
By Jean Genie [59 Posts, 857 Comments]

I just cut a piece of shell, then insert the spoon and
essentially 'spoon' the egg. By which I mean that I make
the spoon come between the egg and the shell. In this way,
the shell effortlessly separates from the cooked white.
Even if it decides to splinter and stick, the act of making
the spoon scrape against the shell makes the problem
entirely disappear.
I actually do something similar with avocados. I think they
gave me the idea.
Source: My own experience


 
fox steals golf ball
____________________________________________________

A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing
by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground
that reads:
"The End Is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he
sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires
and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the
sign should maybe just say 'Bridge Out'?"
___________________________________________________


 
Game of Thrones sculptures carved onto the tips of pencils.

"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please."
Pause.
"I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization.
It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."
"Not *Theodore*!
*Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way we spell Theodore."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch,
"You've got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush
in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, please,... Break my arms!"

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 14
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law
Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 

1509 In the Battle of Agnadello, French defeated Venitians
in Northern Italy. 

1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport went
ashore at Jamestown, Virginia. The group had arrived at the
location the day before. This became the first permanent
English colony in America. 

1610 French King Henri IV (Henri de Navarre) was
assassinated by a fanatical monk, François Ravillac. 

1643 Louis XIV became King of France at age 4 upon the
death of his father, Louis XIII. 

1787 Delegates began gathering in Philadelphia for a
convention to draw up the U.S. Constitution. 

1796 The first smallpox vaccination was given by Edward
Jenner. 

1804 William Clark set off the famous expedition from Camp
Dubois. A few days later, in St. Louis, Meriwether Lewis
joined the group. The group was known as the "Corps of
Discovery." 

1811 Paraguay gained independence from Spain. 

1853 Gail Borden applied for a patent for condensed milk. 

1862 The chronograph was patented by Adolphe Nicole. 

1878 The name Vaseline was registered by Robert A.
Chesebrough. 

1879 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Telephone
Company of Europe. 

1897 Guglielmo Marconi made the first communication by
wireless telegraph. 

1913 The Rockefeller Foundation was created by John D.
Rockefeller with a gift of $100,000,000. 

1935 The Philippines ratified an independence agreement. 

1940 The Netherlands surrendered to Nazi Germany. 

1942 The Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAAC) was
established by an act of the U.S. Congress. 

1942 The British, while retreating from Burma, reached
India. 

1948 Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the
independent State of Israel as British rule in Palestine
came to an end. 

1955 The Warsaw Pact, an Eastern European mutual-defense
treaty, was signed in Poland by eight communist bloc
countries including the Soviet Union. 

1961 A bus carrying Freedom Riders was bombed and burned in
Alabama. 

1973 Skylab One was launched into orbit around Earth as the
first U.S. manned space station. 

1975 U.S. forces raided the Cambodian island of Koh Tang
and recaptured the American merchant ship Mayaguez. All 40
crew members were released safely by Cambodia. About 40
U.S. servicemen were killed in the military operation. 

1985 Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant became the
first fast-food business museum. It is located in Des
Plaines, Illinois. 

1988 In the Andean village of Cayara, Peru's military was
involved in a massacre of at least 26 peasants. 

1992 Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev addressed
members of the U.S. Congress, appealing to them to pass a
bill to aid the people of the former Soviet Union. 

1996 A tornado hit 80 villages in nothern Bangladesh. More
than 440 people were killed. 

1999 North Korea returned the remains of six U.S. soldiers
that had been killed during the Korean War. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 13

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida Democrat congresswoman stole $800,000 
from charity – spenit it on luxury trips, convicted
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 13 in
1861 - Britain declared its neutrality in the 
American Civil War. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Television – a medium. So called because it is neither 
rare nor well done.
--- Ernie Kovacs

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes
without asking a clear question.
--- Albert Camus
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to
lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too.
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And
when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and
fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat,
named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at
night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The
neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The
following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his
wild oats. 

Everything was back to normal until that fall, when Felix
disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed,
my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally,
she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the
street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband
and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a
cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."
______________________________________________________



Volcano in Iceland
_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Corrine Brown
Florida

Florida Democrat congresswoman stole $800,000 
from charity – spenit it on luxury trips, convicted

The Democratic Congresswoman received a whopping $800,000
worth of donations for a fake charity that she set up, and
used the funds to pay for her own personal concerts and
golf trips. We previously reported on this, however she has
now been officially found guilty.

"Former Democratic Rep. Corrine Brown was found guilty on
18 fraud and tax evasion charges Thursday afternoon in a
Jacksonville federal court."

"The charges stemmed from accusations she illegally
siphoned thousands of dollars from her charity into her own
bank account for lavish parties, trips and shopping
excursions."

"Brown was found not guilty on four of the 22 total
charges."

Brown served as a Florida representative in the U.S. House
of Representatives from 1993 until 2017. She was defeated
in her 2016 primary race, but will get a full salary for a
lifetime pension.

The sentence came after an investigation into the charity
"One Door for Education Foundation Inc.," which the
prosecutors say was used as a front to line the front
pockets of the owners.

Fox News also adds that earlier this year, Carla Wiley,
president of said charity, pleaded guilty to "one account
of conspiracy to commit wire fraud," after it was
determined that she laundered nearly $800,000 into the
organization over the course of four years.

"Prosecutors said Brown participated from 2012 to 2016 in a
conspiracy and fraud scheme involving the One Door for
Education fund, along with her chief-of-staff Elias
‘Ronnie’ Simmons and the charity’s president, Carla Wiley."

"The group solicited more than $800,000 in charitable
donations that they said would be used to pay for college
scholarships, computers for schools and other charitable
causes, prosecutors said."

"The money instead was spent by the three for their own
personal use, including for a golf tournament honoring
Brown and for luxury box seats at a Beyonce concert. The
charity awarded only two scholarships totaling $1,200 to
college students, according to trial evidence."

"Simmons and Wiley previously pleaded guilty to charges
stemming from their involvement in the scheme."

"Brown, known as a talkative politician who does not shy
away from the media, stayed silent as she left the
courthouse on Thursday."

The money that was stolen, should have been given to "needy
children," to help fund their education, according to the
Tampa Bay Times.

Acting Assistant Attorney General Kenneth Blanco said that
"She shamefully deprived needy children of hundreds of
thousands of dollars that could have helped with their
education and improved their opportunities for advancement,
and she lied to the IRS and the American public about
secret cash deposits into her personal bank accounts."

FBI Special Agent in Charge, Charles Spencer, also added
that "Brown took an oath year after year to serve others,
but instead she exploited the needs of children and
deceived her constituents to advance her own personal and
political agendas."

Despite this, Brown has still maintained her innocence,
according to her attorney. He says that they’re seeking a
new trial, and that this is "just part one of a very
long process."

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Louise
Re: PayPal
Dear Webby
I got an E mail from PayPal asking for a credit/check card 
for their records. Is this a legitimate E Mail? It is 
supposed to be because members have been using stolen 
credit cards and so they want an additional check card.
Louise

Dear Garry
Dear Christina
Dear Louise
DON'T fill out ANYTHING on that!
It's a spoof from some crooks pretending to be PayPal.
Forward that to the real PayPal at spoof@paypal.com


PayPal will NEVER ask you for any information in email.


If you had MailWasher, then you would have seen in the 
preview that the links were phony. Depending on your mail 
program, you can also see where the links actually go to 
if you hover the mouse over a link and watch the status 
line at the bottom. While the visible link may say 
"http://paypal.com", the status line will show that it's 
some long number or a totally different domain.

Just forward it to the cops at spoof@paypal.com, 
and then trash that mail.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



>From Debbie
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my
hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. 
"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully.  "And who's your
appointment with today?"

So I told her I had changed my mind and walked out.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Remove Hard Water Deposits From Faucets
To remove hard water deposits that accumulate on faucets 
from hard water, fill a bag with vinegar and tie the bag to
the faucet. Allow the faucet to soak in the vinegar for a
couple of hours. When you remove the bag, the deposits
should be gone. Repeat if necessary. 


 
Hallelujah from Russia - 
Goosebumps!
____________________________________________________

"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the
phone. "Is this the SPCA?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree
teasing my dog."
___________________________________________________


 
Winners of the 2017 Sony World Photography Awards

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight,
when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine
cabinet. He asked their son about using one of the pills,
and the son said "I don't think you should take one;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and
I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break
this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.
He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not
110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.
Can you get 10 more?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious
consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-
filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His
wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him
there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap
of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did
his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 13
1607 - An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at Jamestown, Virginia. The passengers went ashore
the next day and this site became the first permanent
settlement English colony in America. 

1779 - The War of Bavarian Succession ended. 

1787 - Captain Arthur Phillip left Britain for Australia.
He successfully landed eleven ships full of convicts on
January 18, 1788, at Botany Bay. The group moved north
eight days later and settled at Port Jackson. 

1846 - The U.S. declared that war existed with Mexico. 

1861 - Britain declared its neutrality in the American
Civil War. 

1864 - The Battle of Resaca commenced as Union General
Sherman fought towards Atlanta during the American Civil
War. 

1865 - The last land engagement of the American Civil War
was fought at the Battle of Palmito Ranch in far south
Texas, more than a month after Gen. Lee's surrender at
Appomattox, VA. 

1873 - Ludwig M. Wolf patented the sewing machine lamp
holder. 

1880 - Thomas Edison tested his experimental electric
railway in Menlo Park. 

1888 - Slavery was abolished in Brazil. 

1897 - Guglielmo Marconi sent the world's first wireless
communication over open sea. 

1912 - Royal Flying Corps was established in England. 

1913 - Igor Sikorsky flew the first four engine aircraft. 

1917 - Near Fatima, Portugal, three peasant children
reported seeing a vision of the Virgin Mary. 

1927 - "Black Friday" occurred in Germany. 

1949 - The first gas turbine to pump natural gas was
installed in Wilmar, AR. 

1954 - U.S. President Eisenhower signed into law the St.
Lawrence Seaway Development Act. 

1958 - French troops took control of Algiers. 

1958 - U.S. Vice President Nixon's limousine was battered
by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas,
Venezuela. 

1968 - Peace talks between the U.S. and North Vietnam began
in Paris. 

1985 - A confrontation between Philadelphia authorities and
the radical group MOVE ended as police dropped an explosive
onto the group's headquarters. Eleven people died in the
fire that resulted. 

1998 - India did a second round of nuclear tests. The first
round had been done 2 days earlier. Within hours the U.S.
and Japan imposed tough economic sanctions. India claimed
that the tests were necessary to maintain India's national
security. 

1999 - In Moscow, the impeachment of Russian President
Boris Yeltsin began. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

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---

Where does spam come from? 

Friday, May 12, 2017, 11:04 AM
Posted by Administrator

<B></B>

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 12
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texan told police he was kidnapped and 
thata the kidnappers torched his car. Turns out 
he was behind on his car payments and did not 
want a repossesion on his record.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 12 in
1847 William Clayton invented the odometer. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
--- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

Look wise, say nothing, and grunt.
Speech was given to conceal thought.
--- Sir William Osler
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?

You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.
----------------
Personally, I quite like the sound of bagpipes,
from about five miles away.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to
see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a
laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal
ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of
THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
______________________________________________________



_____________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Oscar Carrillo, 
Odessa,
Texas

Oscar Carrillo told police he was kidnapped and 
thata the kidnappers torched his car. Turns out 
he was behind on his car payments and did not 
want a repossesion on his record.

Investigators discovered that Carrillo’s cell phone records
showed that he made a total of five calls during the time
he said he was kidnapped.  It was also found that Carrillos
vehicle had a past due balance of $3,275 and had been
authorized for repossession on March 15.  Police then
determined that Carrillo intentionally set his car on fire
and filed a false report to cover up his actions.

They threw him in jail.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Christina
Re: Where does spam come from?
Dear Webby
Where does all the spam come from?
When I look up the IP numbers, I see Chinese servers,
but that does not make sense at all.
Christina

Dear Garry
Dear Christina
What you saw were dumb relays in China. Some Chinese
servers make money by allowing spammers to send their
spam through them to disguise the origin, and some of them
are simply so incompetent that they don't even notice it 
when spammers do that. They don't really care anyway. 
It's no big deal to them if the US loses a Billion Dollars
in productivity every week because people have to waste
time on getting rid of spam.

There is no point in getting sidetracked with the 
misdirections. If we block China, then the spammers will 
just relay through Africa. What you have to look at is who 
paid the geeks to send the spam through China to you.

It's the fake Rollex seller a few houses over from you, 
and the pill pusher across the street from the church, 
and that annoying yuppie insurance broker next door to
Gramma's house.

You have to look at who would benefit if you fell for the 
spam. Those are the real culprits. The FTC could easily 
find them, if they wanted to, or if they were encouraged
enough. PayPal and the credit card companies will quite
cheerfully comply with a subpoena and reveal who the 
beneficiary of an order was. 
They don't like spam either.

In the meantime, just use 


>From Debbie
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my
hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. 
"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully.  "And who's your
appointment with today?"

So I told her I had changed my mind and walked out.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Ground Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms with Bell Peppers

This is a healthy and delicious side dish! I am not a fan
of vegetables but when incorporated with turkey and shrimp,
it is very good!
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Total Time: 55 minutes
Yield: 4 people



By 15mhhm15 [111 Posts, 357 Comments]
Category Main Dishes
Vote for this contest contender!
0
Share
Pin
0
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More
This is a healthy and delicious side dish! I am not a fan
of vegetables but when incorporated with turkey and shrimp,
it is very good!
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Total Time: 55 minutes
Yield: 4 people
Ground Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms with Bell Peppers
Ingredients:
1 lb ground turkey
1 pack mushrooms
1/2 lb shrimp
8 sweet bell peppers
2 tomatoes
1 tsp oyster sauce
2 Tbsp fish sauce
3 stem garlic
3 stem green onions
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
4 Tbsp vegetable oil
2 cups water

Steps:
Peel off the shell of the shrimp and mince to a paste. Set
aside.

Wash and cut mushrooms. Remove the stem. Wash and cut sweet
bell peppers, green onion, and tomatoes.

Now open the package of ground turkey and mix together with
the shrimp paste that you earlier set aside. Add green
onions, dash of salt and pepper.

Now ready to stuff mushrooms with the mixture of ground
turkey and shrimp. Scoop spoonful into the mushrooms.

Get a pan, add vegetable oil on medium heat and crush the
garlic to fry. Once the garlic is golden brown add the
mushroom face the meat down first until meat is brown and
flip over. Cook each side for about 5 minutes each.

Add fish sauce and water, oyster sauce, and cook for
another 5 minutes.

Then when the water is boiling, add tomatoes, and bell
peppers and cook for another 10 minutes.
 

 
No parachute sky dive
____________________________________________________

A prospective juror was being questioned by the District
Attorney for a murder trial that had been in all the
papers.

"If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could
you kill him for his crime ?"

"Well, no." replied the man.  "But I could do it on
Saturday, if that would be OK."
___________________________________________________


 
Beautiful hand carved wooden bowls.


Thanks to Sue for this story:
Two medical students were walking along the street when
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has
Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned 
in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but
notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:

"I thought it was a fart........... but I was wrong."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 


Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less
than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a
divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my
sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she
and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while
I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women," the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That's why I want the divorce." he replied.


____________________________________________________




Today, on May 12
1588 King Henry III fled Paris after Henry of Guise
triumphantly entered the city. 

1780 Charleston, South Carolina fell to British forces. 

1847 William Clayton invented the odometer. 

1870 Manitoba entered the Confederation as a Canadian
province. 

1881 Tunisia, in North Africa became a French protectorate.


1885 In the Battle of Batoche, French Canadians rebelled
against the Canadian government. 

1926 The airship Norge became the first vessel to fly over
the North Pole. 

1926 In Britain, a general strike by trade unions ended.
The strike began on May 3, 1926. 

1937 Britain's King George VI was crowned at Westminster
Abbey. 

1940 The Nazi conquest of France began with the German army
crossing Muese River. 

1942 The Soviet Army launched its first major offensive of
World War II and took Kharkov in the eastern Ukraine from
the German army. 

1943 The Axis forces in North Africa surrendered during
World War II. 

1949 The Soviet Union announced an end to the Berlin
Blockade. 

1957 A.J. Foyt won his first auto racing victory in Kansas
City, MO. 

1965 West Germany and Israel exchanged letters establishing
diplomatic relations. 

1975 U.S. merchant ship Mayaguez was seized by Cambodian
forces in international waters. 

1978 The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
announced that they would no longer exclusively name
hurricanes after women. 

1982 South Africa unveiled a plan that would give voting
rights to citizens of Asian and mixed-race descent, but not
to blacks. 

1984 South African prisoner Nelson Mandela saw his wife for
the first time in 22 years. 

2002 Former U.S. President Carter arrived in Cuba for a
visit with Fidel Castro. It was the first time a U.S. head
of state, in or out of office, had gone to the island since
Castro's 1959 revolution. 

2003 In Texas, fifty-nine Democratic lawmakers went into
hiding over a dispute with Republican's over a
congressional redistricting plan. 

2015 It was announced that Verizon would be acquiring AOL
because their way of dealing with complaints without
getting sued really impressed Verizon. 

2017  smiled.
 
 

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Thursday, May 11, 2017, 07:50 AM
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