Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday,  August 26

Today I have to go to Calgary for more injections into my 
eyeballs. That means no newsletters for 2-3 days afterwards.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Texas babysitter, who set fire 
to home of 'disrespectful' kids
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made 
 August 26th Women's Equality Day. (August 24 is "Go Topless Day")




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.
--- Franklin P. Adams


An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Creeeesscohhhh!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is
in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lardo."


A synagogue had just opened for business while at the same
time a Catholic church opened across the street.  After some
time the Rabbi noticed that a convent had been added to the
church,  More time later a Catholic school was built, then a
gymnasium.

Concerned the Rabbi called together his staff and expressed
his concern, "We've been here the same amount of time as
our neighbors  and look, they've grown while we still have
our same small temple - what are we doing wrong?"

And so it was decided, they'd send Morris to attend a service
on Sunday and check out what was going on over there.

Sunday comes and all the men from the congregation are
peeking thru the windows as Morris enters the church.
Not 15 minutes later and Morris comes flying across the street,
yelling and waving his arms.

"So what happened?" says the Rabbi

"Oy, you wouldn't believe it" says Morris "I go into the church,
I sit down, then from the left a guy in a dress comes out unto
the stage and he's chanting
"I can play dominoes better than you can - I can play dominoes
better than you can", then from the right of the stage some
young boys swinging incense followed by another guy in a dress
starts chanting "I bet you don't - I bet you don't" then back  and
forth they go "I can play dominoes better than you can -
-I bet you don't", then from outta' the back four men in black
suits come down the aisles and pick up the bets !!!"


Thanks to Jean for sending this:



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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Martha Dreher, 57, Austin, Texas

Texas babysitter, who set fire 
to home of 'disrespectful' kids

A Texas babysitter was arrested after setting fire to the 
house of children she said “lacked respect.”

Martha Dreher, 57, has pleaded not guilty to arson charges, 
ABC reported Saturday. The house fire occurred on August 9 
at an Austin home belonging to Glenn Williams.

Dreher had been babysitting Williams’ four children -- two 
preteen girls and 5-year-old twin boys -- for several months, 
KVUE reports. On the night of August 9, the daughters were 
on vacation with their father, and Dreher was watching the 
two boys at their mother’s house, according to the 
American-Statesman.
The babysitter told police that she went to Williams’ 
residence at about 9 p.m. to get some popcorn. Police say 
that security cameras show that the fire started about 25 
minutes after she got there, and that the blaze was 
escalating as the babysitter drove away.

Dreher allegedly told cops she “never saw a fire.”

Williams told KVUE that his teenage son noticed the fire 
when he returned home that night, and that whoever set it 
had closed the doors of the girls’ bedrooms as if to 
contain the fire to those rooms.

“It was definitely a vendetta against the two girls," the 
children’s father told KVUE. “Before I left, she had taken 
the girls clothes shopping, and she said that it was 
horrible, that my oldest had been very disrespectful to her 
and she didn't think it was a good match and she probably 
didn't want to do this anymore."

Though Drehey denied setting any fires, she allegedly 
described the girls to investigators as “out of control, 
lacking respect for her and having disciplines issues,” 
according to documents obtained by The Statesman.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Bree (like Brie, but sweeter) 
Re: Icon text background

Dear Webby
How can I get rid of the ugly icon text background in 
Windoze 7? You showed me once how to do it in XP, but I
have long forgotten how to do that.
Thanks
Bree

Dear Bree
It is a ridiculous rigmarole in Windows 7, just like it 
was in XP. You might want to print this out or keep it open.
1) MyComputer
2) Control Panel
3) System
4) Advanced System Settings
5) Advanced
6) Performance Settings
7) Scroll down to the second last checkbox: Use drop shadows 
  for icon labels on the desktop
8) Put a checkmark in there
9) Hit OK
10) Hit OK until you are out of that thilly wigmarole.

Yes, I agree it is absolutely moronic to hide a necessary
function that far down.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
2 Ingredient Pancakes
Who knew you could make yummy pancakes with just 2 
ingredients? All it takes is one banana and two eggs. 
These gluten free discs might not taste exactly like your 
standard pancake, but once you try them, you will be 
hooked. Sweet, custardy and guilt-free!

Approximate Time: 10 minutes

Yield: 10 mini pancakes

Ingredients:

1 banana, peeled
2 eggs
Steps:

Mix the banana and eggs together to make a batter.
Cook mini pancakes in a pan, as you would when making 
regular pancakes.

By attosa [103] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Bob moved into an apartment and went shopping for cleaning
equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan,
sponges and a full array of cleaning products.
At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase
-- a large bag of potato chips.

Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained,
"I'm a very messy eater."


Nine year old Little Johnny, was asked by his mother what he
had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission, to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build
a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then
he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge so that the cops could
not follow them, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked, scornfully.

"Well, no, Mom.  But if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it."




» Nuts




Today in 
55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius Caesar.
1498 Michelangelo was commissioned to make the "Pieta." 
1847 Liberia was proclaimed as an independent republic. 
1896 In the Philippines an insurrection began against the 
 Spanish government. 
1934 Adolf Hitler demanded that France return the Saar 
 region to Germany. It had been awarded to France after WWI
1937 All Chinese shipping was blockaded by Japan. 
1939 The first televised major league baseball games were shown. 
 The event was a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds 
 and the Brooklyn Dodgers. 
1945 The Japanese were given surrender instructions on the 
 U.S. battleship Missouri at the end of World War II.
1957 It was announced that an intercontinental ballistic 
 missile was successfully tested by the Soviet Union. 
1957 The first Edsel made by the Ford Motor Company rolled 
 of the assembly line. 
1961 The International Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto opened. 
1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made 
 August 26th Women's Equality Day. 
1978 Sigmund Jahn blasted off aboard the Russian Soyuz 31 and 
 became the first German in space. 
1981 The U.S. claimed that North Korea fired an antiaircraft 
 missile at a U.S. Surveillance plane while it was over 
 South Korea. 
1987 The Fuller Brush Company announced plans to open two 
 retail stores in Dallas, TX. The company that had sold its 
 products door to door for 81 years. 
1990 The 55 Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait left 
 Baghdad by car and headed for the Turkish border. 
1991 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev promised that 
 national elections would be held. 
1992 A "no-fly zone" was imposed on the southern 1/3 of 
 Iraq. The move by the U.S., France and Britain was aimed 
 at protecting Iraqi Shiite Muslims. 
1998 The U.S. government announced that they were 
 investigating Microsoft in an attempt to discover if 
 they "bullied" Intel into delaying new technology. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !
Today is SMonday,  August 25

Tuesday, Aug 26, I will have to go to Calgary for more
injections into my eyeballs. That means no newsletters
for 2-3 days afterwards.


Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Montana man who called 911 to complain that a
stripper would not have sex with him
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1972 In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography 
 (CAT scan) was introduced. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
--- Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894)

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.
--- Franklin P. Adams


When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door
was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on
the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the
pail and emptied it into his sink, he exclaimed, 
"You crazy guys actually thought you could fool me with
THAT old gag!"

It was then he realized that we had removed the drainpipe 
under the sink and turned the "U" trap to point at his 
crotch.


BACK IN MY DAY

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to
the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our
heads.

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get
all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the
crummy moon.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had
to do addition on our fingers. 

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was
perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed,
razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax,
you had to kill him with a shovel.


Thanks to Jean for sending this:



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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

William McDaniel,53, Butte, Montana

Man Calls 911 To Complain That Stripper 
Would Not Have Sex With Him

After paying $350 for a private dance at a gentlemen’s club, 
a Montana man called police to complain that the stripper 
did not have sex with him. 

William McDaniel, 53, paid for the dance Saturday evening 
at Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker, 
a Butte suburb.

But when he did not get the expected sex, he dialed 911 to 
register a consumer complaint.

This was a mistake on McDaniel’s part.

After questioning McDaniel, police arrested him for offering 
money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor. He was booked into 
the Butte-Silver Bow Detention Center, from which he was 
released Sunday morning after posting $550 bond.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Lynn
Re: Wired or wireless?

Dear Webby
What is faster for a home office network, old fashioned
cable or wireless? I know I can't go by what the computer
magazines say, because those guys never paid for their
toys and have to watch who pays for the ads.

The machines are not used for high file traffic games,
just for office work, but in 4 different rooms. We are
moving and I need to quickly decide whether to have the
new place cabled or not.
Thanks
Lynn

Dear Lynn 
Professionally installing cables so that they are hidden,
with neat and clean wall jacks, is neither cheap nor fast.
If you go that route, check with burglar alarm system
installers. They know how to securely hide cables so that
absolutely nothing shows.

Wireless will be cheaper, and can be set up in an evening.

The file transfer speed of wireless is better than cable, 
as long as there are no fridges or metal file cabinets 
bouncing the signal around, and as long as the distance 
is not over 50 feet, otherwise the file transfer speed 
is lower than cable.

If you have one or more "roaming" laptops, go with
wireless.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Day Old Cinnamon Rolls for Bread Pudding
For richer, sweeter bread pudding, get day old cinnamon 
rolls instead of bread. They taste so much better and 
you save money. The cinnamon rolls are always discounted.

By mamacrafter 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a 
prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as 
she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras 
and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she 
left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden 
award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible 
for it."

Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing.
Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop 
the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely 
visible was the "golden award", a tiny ring, inserted 
in the groom's nose.


Thanks to Sandie for these stats:
A recent study found that the average American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that the
average American drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average,
Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad!!!




» Nuts




Today in 
1718 Hundreds of colonists from France arrived in Louisiana. 
 Some settled in present-day New Orleans. 
1814 The U.S. Library of Congress was destroyed by British 
 forces. 
1825 Uruguay declared independence from Brazil. 
1840 Joseph Gibbons received a patent for the seeding machine. 
1875 Captain Matthew Webb swam from Dover, England, to Calais, 
 France making him the first person to swim the English Channel. 
 The feat took about 22 hours. 
1920 The first airplane to fly from New York to Alaska 
 arrived in Nome. 
1941 Soviet and British troops invaded Iran. This was in reaction 
 to the Shah's refusal to reduce the number of German residents. 
1944 Paris, France, was liberated by Allied forces ending 
 four years of German occupation. 
1944 Romania declared war on Germany. 
1950 U.S. President Truman ordered the seizure of U.S. railroads 
 to avert a strike. 
1972 In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography (CAT scan) 
 was introduced. 
1978 The Turin shroud believed to be the burial cloth of 
 Jesus Christ went on display for the first time in 45 years. 
1981 The U.S. Voyager 2 sent back pictures and data about Saturn. 
 The craft came within 63,000 miles of the planet. 
1983 The U.S. and the Soviet Union signed a $10 billion 
 grain pact. That led to the USSR becoming a grain exporter
 instead of an importer.
1987 Saudi Arabia denounced the "group of terrorists" that 
 ran the Iranian government. 
1990 Military action was authorized by the United Nations 
 to enforce the trade embargo that had been placed on 
 Iraq after their invasion of Kuwait. 
1991 Belorussia declared independence from the Soviet Union. 
1992 It was reported by researchers that cigarette smoking 
 significantly increased the risk of developing cataracts. 
1995 Harry Wu, human rights activist, returned to the United 
 States. He said the spying case against him in China was 
 "all lies." 
1997 The tobacco industry agreed to an $11.3 billion 
 settlement with the state of Florida. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday,  August 24

Tuesday, Aug 26, I will have to go to Calgary for more
injections into my eyeballs. That means no newsletters
for 2-3 days afterwards.

Obama's Food Police: No more pink cookies

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oklahoma teacher caught in a hotel room with a student.
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1932 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across 
 the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark, 
 NJ, took about 19 hours. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
--- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

An important trip in life is meeting people half way.
--- Socratex


A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant
one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure
everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair
to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite
loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that
everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and
demands, "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way
did you fire it ?"



Thanks to Irene for this story:
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed
in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling.  After an hour in
the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me
and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater
exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam.
I snorkeled for another 40 minutes.  So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him
coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't
get out until you did."


Thanks to Jean for sending this:


Sverd-i-fjell-Norwqay

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Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Jennifer Caswell, 28, Hollis, Oklahoma

Teacher Charged With Rape After Being 
Found With Teen In Hotel

An Oklahoma teacher who was under investigation for an 
inappropriate relationship with a student faces a slew of 
charges -- including second-degree rape -- after police 
in Mississippi say they caught her in a hotel room with 
a 15-year-old student.

Jennifer Caswell, a 28-year-old former English teacher at 
Hollis Middle School in Hollis, Oklahoma, resigned from her 
position in April amid allegations that she was having an 
illicit affair with a student.

Prosecutors told the Oklahoman that initially, they didn't 
really have hard evidence in the case, only reports of 
suspicious behavior.

“Things that raised kind of an eyebrow. People seeing a 
teacher alone with a child may or may not be anything. It 
could just be innocent contact,” Harmon County Assistant 
District Attorney Eric Yarborough told the newspaper. 
“The child said nothing’s going on, she’s just a nice teacher.”

But then, on June 18, police in Olive Branch, Mississippi, 
say they caught Caswell with the boy at a Best Western. 
Authorities say a subsequent investigation revealed that 
the former teacher and the victim had sex multiple times 
in April and May of this year, including twice at school, 
according to the Lawton Constitution.

In a police interview, the minor allegedly said that Caswell 
had sex with him in a classroom at school three days before 
resigning from her job, and then again several times in her 
car and at the victim's home in the weeks following her 
resignation.

The Mississippi incident happened more than 650 miles away 
from her home town while he was away visiting his mother. 
The victim told police that he hopped a fence in a church 
parking lot to meet Caswell, who appears to have traveled 
from Oklahoma to rendezvous with the boy.

Caswell now faces three counts of second-degree rape, 
two counts of enticing a child, and one count of forcible 
sodomy.

According to the Oklahoman, Caswell had been married prior 
to the investigation into the alleged sex abuse. She was 
formerly known as Jennifer Sexton, but since obtaining a 
divorce from her husband, has restored her maiden name of 
Caswell.

--------------
I wonder if the "child" considered himself a victim or a 
beneficiary. In my day, that was strictly beneficiary.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Maria
Re: Camera for boat trip

Dear Webby
What camera would you recommend for a long canoe trip?
I don't really want to risk my big Canon, but want to be
sure I get reasonably good pictures.
Thanks
Maria

Dear Maria
Just get a stack of regular disposable cameras, not the
expensive underwater type or the flash type, just the cheap
ones you see at gas stations and drug stores and supermarkets.

They float, and immersion in water does not seem to bother
them one bit.

The only drawback I found with them is that they do tend to
easily slip out of a shirt pocket and go for a dive whenever
you lean over the side of the canoe to retrieve a beverage
from the cooler net, or if you get a bit wild with the paddling
in a rapid. It's not a real problem, you just wait after the
rapids for the camera to catch up, and fish it out. They
float a lot slower than a good canoe, so if you temporarily
lose one, don't paddle like a maniac trying to catch up with
it. It is behind you and will eventually catch up with you,
if you simply wait for it. Cameras with a flash and batteries
probably won't do so well in the water, but with the plain
regular ones I have never had a problem.

The pictures are more than good enough for scanning and
using on the net. Try not to mix brands, though. They all
use different color temperatures. Kodak has a yellow cast,
Fuji a green and Agfa a blue cast. If a whole series of
pictures has the same cast, the eye compensates for it,
but if they are mixed, they look odd and amateurish,
and you need to adjust the hue in a graphics program.

Decide on one brand, and stick with it.

If somebody tells you that you can't get them any more,
because your gas station forgot to order them for the 
summer, go online!
Disposable cameras from $2.95 and up

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Old Ink Stains From Clothing
To get ink out of a white shirt or blouse that has already 
set in the dryer, try this. Place an old towel between the 
shirt so stain will not go through. Spray hair spray on all 
the ink spots. Do NOT blot spots. Wash in warm water with 
laundry detergent. Check again to make sure all stains are 
out before putting the item in the dryer

By Mythi from WA 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A local priest and pastor stood by the side of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End
is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to
each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the
first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we
should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'
instead?"


THREE BAD NUNS
There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good
all of the time, so they went to the priest and asked if they
could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one
thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him
what they did.

The first nun comes back. "What did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I mooned the rabbi next door, and nearly gave him a
heart attack."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister" he asks again.

"I spiked the fruit punch at the bingo ."

"OK, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again
he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister."

"I peed in the holy water."




» Nuts




Today in 
0079 Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000 
 people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum 
 were buried in volcanic ash. 
0410 The Visigoths overran Rome. This event symbolized the 
 fall of the Western Roman Empire. 
1456 The printing of the Gutenberg Bible was completed. 
1572 The Catholics began their slaughter of the French 
 Protestants in Paris. The killings claimed about 70,000 
 people. 
1814 Washington, DC, was invaded by Canadians, who set fire 
 to what later became the White House, after it was whitewashed
 to cover the soot and partially burned wood, and the Capitol. 
1869 A patent for the waffle iron was received by Cornelius 
 Swarthout. 
1891 Thomas Edison applied patents for the kinetoscope and 
 kinetograph (U.S. Pats. 493,426 and 589,168). 
1932 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across 
 the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark, 
 NJ, took about 19 hours. 
1949 The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) went into 
 effect. The agreement was that an attack against on one of 
 the parties would be considered "an attack against them all." 
1954 The Communist Party was virtually outlawed in the U.S. 
 when the Communist Control Act went into effect. 
1959 Three days after Hawaiian statehood, Hiram L. Fong was 
 sworn in as the first Chinese-American U.S. senator while 
 Daniel K. Inouye was sworn in as the first Japanese-American 
 U.S. representative. 
1963 John Pennel pole-vaulted 17 feet and 3/4 inches becoming 
 the first to break the 17-foot barrier. 
1968 France became the 5th thermonuclear power when they 
 exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 
1985 27 anti-apartheid leaders were arrested in South Africa 
 as racial violence rocked the country. 
1986 Frontier Airlines shut down. Thousands of people were 
 left stranded. 
1989 "Total war" was declared by Columbian drug lords on 
 their government. 
1989 The U.S. space probe, Voyager 2, sent back photographs 
 of Neptune. 
1990 Iraqi troops surrounded foreign missions in Kuwait. 
1991 Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the 
 head of the Communist Party. 
1992 China and South Korea established diplomatic relations. 
1998 U.S. officials cited a soil sample as part of the 
 evidence that a Sudan plant was producing precursors to 
 the VX nerve gas. And, therefore made it a target for U.S. 
 missiles on August 20, 1998. 
1998 A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties, 
 to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse 
 Memorial. The beads are said to be those that were used 
 in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians. 
2001 In McAllen, TX, Bridgestone/Firestone agreed to settle 
 out of court and pay a reported $7.5 million to a family 
 in a rollover accident in their Ford Explorer. 
2001 U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly was randomly 
 picked to take over the Microsoft monopoly case. The judge 
 was to decide how Microsoft should be punished for illegally 
 trying to squelch its competitors. 
2001 NASA announced that operation of the Upper Atmosphere 
 Research Satellite would end by September 30th due to budget 
 restrictions. The satellite is best known for monitoring 
 a hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica, but the ozone 
 hoax was not taken serious anymore.
2005 The planet Pluto was reclassified as a "dwarf planet" 
 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Pluto's 
 status was changed due to the IAU's new rules for an object 
 qualifying as a planet. Pluto met two of the three rules 
 because it orbits the sun and is large enough to assume a 
 nearly round shape. However, since Pluto has an oblong orbit 
 and overlaps the orbit of Neptune it disqualified Pluto as 
 a planet. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday,  August 23

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
LA-Area Police Officer Arrested For 
Soliciting Las Vegas Undercover Cop
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1999 Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great 
 Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal 
 Bogucki lost 44 pounds. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





There is no failure except in no longer trying.
--- Elbert Hubbard


A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was
going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would
need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the
evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them
both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one
handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the
other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she
noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"


A property manager of single-family residence was showing a   
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.   
"Professionally employed?" he asked.   

"We're a military family," the wife answered.   

"Children?"   

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.   

"Animals?"   

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."  


Thanks to Jean for sending this:



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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Michael Johnson, 18, 

LA-Area Police Officer Arrested For 
Soliciting Las Vegas Undercover Cop

A Southern California police officer has been charged with 
soliciting a prostitute after being caught in a sting 
involving an undercover cop in a Las Vegas casino.

Vahak Mardikian, 48, of the Glendale Police Department, 
was arrested Aug. 8, after allegedly spending an hour chatting 
up a woman posing as a prostitute in the Flamingo Casino.

When the suspect asked the undercover officer if she was a 
cop, she said no, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal.
Mardikian said he wasn’t an officer either.

According to the arrest report, Mardikian and the undercover 
officer made plans to go to the woman's apartment for anal 
sex in exchange for $250 and gas money.

The two agreed to meet separately at the woman's car in a 
parking garage to avoid suspicion, Fox5Vegas.com reports.

Shortly after the suspect gave the undercover officer money 
for gas, he was arrested by nearby undercover detectives, 
police said.

Mardikian was booked at the Clark County Detention Center 
on one count of soliciting prostitution, the Las Vegas 
Sun reports.

This isn't Mardikian's first bout with controversy.
He was demoted within the Glendale Police Dept. in 2012 
for allegedly pressuring and harassing other officers, 
but was reinstated to his rank in 2013, according to 
the Glendale News-Press.
-------------------
Somebody should tell him that "What happens in Las Vegas,
stays in Las Vegas", the slogan that fuelled all the lights
and glitter and the expansion of Las Vegas, is history.

All the Millions of chambermaids, cooks, waitresses, and casino
employees and their families are mostly quite religious 
new immigrants, and they vote. 
Prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas since the late 80's.
Las Vegas is a town of churches and church goers, and City Hall
promotes Family Fun, not what made it famous. 

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Mary
Re: Famous fonts

Dear Webby
I heard somebody is giving away famous fonts like CocaCola
and Harry Potter and Starwars, etc. A fontaholic like me
NEEDS those. Where can I get them?
Thanks
Mary

Dear Mary
Here is the link to Famous Fonts.
They are all free.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Waterproof Address Labels
To waterproof address labels, just rub a candle over the text. 
You will also save on sellotape.

By Monique [98] 

With almost all mail going via the Internet nowadays, the 
only addressing I need is for packages and very rarely an
envelope. Usually I just hand write it with a medium tipped
black Mark-All. 

About the only times I actually print labels is for jars
and containers. Since my printer is a Laser printer, the
labels are waterproof anyway. Lasers use toner, which is
colored wax, that is melted into the paper. Water just 
runs off it, and may dissolve areas, that are not printed,
but printed areas are protected.

Only if you use one of those short lived, expensive to use
inkjet printers, would you need a candle to fake the 
waxy sheen of laser printing.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They   
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-   
ment.   

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.   

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.   

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for   
their order.   

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy   
them for us."   

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so   
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other   
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"   

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."   


Wife: "I'm going to try something new this summer with the
dog and kids."

Husband: "What's that?"

Wife: "I'm sending the dog to camp and the kids to
obedience school."




» Muscle Cars




Today in 
1839 Hong Kong was taken by the British in a war with China. 
1892 The printed streetcar transfer was patented by Stedman.
1904 Hard D. Weed patented the grip-tread tire chain for cars. 
1914 Tsingtao, China, was bombarded as Japan declared war on 
 Germany in World War I. 
1939 Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a 
 non-aggression treaty. 
1944 During World War II, Romanian prime minister Ion Antonescue 
 was dismissed. Soon after the country would abandon the Axis 
 and join the Allies, since they were now obviously winning. 
1944 Marseilles was captured by Allied troops during World War II. 
1952 The security pact of the Arab League went into effect. 
1959 In the Peanuts comic strip, Sally debuted as an infant. 
1962 The first live TV program was relayed between the U.S. and 
 Europe through the U.S. Telstar satellite. 
1982 The parliament of Lebanon elected Bashir Bemayel president. 
 He was assassinated three weeks later. 
1993 It was confirmed by Los Angeles police that Michael Jackson 
 was the subject of a criminal investigation. 
1996 U.S. President Clinton imposed limits on peddling cigarettes 
 to children. 
1998 Protestors in Sudan carried a sign that bore the resemblance 
 of Monica Lewinsky and the words "No War for Monika." The anti-U.S. 
 demonstration was in Khartoum, Sudan. 
1998 Boris Yeltsin dismissed the Russian government again. 
1999 Rescuers in Turkey found a young boy that had been buried 
 in rubble from an earthquake for about a week. 
1999 Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great 
 Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal 
 Bogucki lost 44 pounds. 
2000 Richard Hatch was revealed as the winning castaway on CBS' 
 "Survivor." Hatch won $1,000,000 for his stay on the island of 
 Pulau Tida in the South China Sea. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday,  August 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
New Mexico man who drove a hot cart to meet a
probation officer
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1996 U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended 
 guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work 
 from recipients. That did not last long.




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The only function of economic forecasting is to 
make astrology look respectable.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006) 

The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when 
he or she fills out a job application form.
--- Socratex


When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband 
asked his wife if she had bought premium or regular gas, 
but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could 
account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife.
"I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."


Thanks to Dianne for this story:
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my
vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from
a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully,
then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in
for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there
are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw
him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."


Thanks to jean for sending this:



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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Michael Johnson, 18, 

Man Drives Hot Cart To Meet 
Probation Officer

AUGUST 20 The 18-year-old New Mexico man was arrested Monday 
after allegedly driving a stolen Walmart electric shopping 
cart to a meeting with his probation officer.

Johnson drove the hot cart to the Metropolitan Courthouse in 
Albuquerque. Johnson, whose rap sheet includes several arrests, 
is on probation for a conviction earlier this year.

According to a criminal complaint, when Megan Cutler, Johnson’s 
probation officer, asked him where he got the shopping cart, 
he admitted to taking it from a Walmart about five miles from 
the courthouse. Johnson added that he “did not have permission 
to take the cart.”

An Albuquerque Police Department officer subsequently contacted 
a Walmart official who said that the electric cart is worth 
$1845 and that the retailer wanted to press charges.

Johnson was then arrested for larceny and receiving stolen property 
and booked into the Bernalillo County jail, where he remains 
locked up.

The teenager is facing an additional charge for violating 
terms of his probation. He was arrested last year for battery 
against a household member and interference with communications. 
In May, he pleaded guilty to the latter count, which usually 
relates to somehow preventing a victim from contacting police.

Johnson lives about 11 miles from the courthouse. The complaint 
does not reveal when he took the Walmart cart or how far he 
drove it to the courthouse.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Helga
Re: Numeric keys for laptop

Dear Webby
The numeric keypad keys on my laptop are dual-function keys
embedded in the regular keyboard. It does have the numbers
again on top, but I can't get any speed going with those.
Is there a solution for that?
Thanks
Helga

Yes, you can get numeric keypads quite cheaply. For example:

V7, wired, $7
Targus wireless $22

If you go to a surveyors or engineering supply store, you 
can get thigh holsters for the wireless Targus. You have 
probably seen surveyors on the side of the road peering 
through their instruments and fingering something on their
thigh. Most likely what you saw was that Targus wireless
numeric keypad in a thigh holster.

If your desk space is limited, or if you are using your lap
as your desk, the thigh holster will also be really handy.
You can get fantastic speed with one of them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Purse with Shopping Bags
I don't know if you have this problem, but I do. I try to 
use reusable grocery bags as much as possible, but I forget 
to bring them into the store! Same with my coupons and 
sometimes even my shopping list!

The Solution: Now at home, I place my purse directly "into" 
one of my reusable, cloth grocery bags and add my coupons, 
list and key ring to a hook on the bag as well. Then I hang 
this bag by the door. Every time I get home, I immediately 
place my purse in that hanging bag and the keys on the ring.

Now when I am going shopping, I bring the purse "still" in 
the bag with me to carry in to the store together. I can 
store or add additional folded bags in the bottom of that 
same bag (as well as coupons and shopping list in a little 
pocket on the front of the bag and bring it "all" into the 
store with me on shopping day! 

Once home and unpacked, I make sure to put them all back 
into that main bag along with my purse once again and place 
it back on its designated hook.

By Donna [128] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a
hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.

After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I
want you all to know that there are two words that are
absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.

You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers,
tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get
you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross".

And the other one is "cool".

Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back
of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.

In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks:
"So, what are these gross and cool words?"


A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' break room saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life
are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty scary too."




» Farm Crops




Today in 
1485 The War of the Roses ended with the death of England's 
 King Richard III. He was killed in the Battle of Bosworth 
 Field. His successor was Henry V II. 
1567 The "Council of Blood" was established by the Duke of 
 Alba. This was the beginning of his reign of terror in 
 the Netherlands. 
1642 The English Civil War began when Charles I called 
 Parliament and its soldiers traitors. 
1770 Australia was claimed under the British crown when 
 Captain James Cook landed there. 
1775 The American colonies were proclaimed to be in a state 
 of open rebellion by England's King George III. 
1846 The U.S. annexed New Mexico. 
1851 The schooner America outraced the Aurora off the English 
 coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup. 
1865 A patent for liquid soap was issued to William Sheppard. 
1906 The Victor Talking Machine Company of Camden, NJ began 
 to manufacture the Victrola. The hand-cranked unit, with 
 horn cabinet, sold for $200. 
1910 Japan formally annexed Korea. 
1911 It was announced that Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" 
 had been stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris. The 
 painting reappeared two years later in Italy. 
1932 The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) began its 
 first TV broadcast in England. 
1941 Nazi troops reached the outskirts of Leningrad during 
 World War II. 
1972 Due to its racial policies, Rhodesia was asked to 
 withdraw from the 20th Olympic Summer Games. 
1973 Henry Kissinger was named Secretary of State by U.S. 
 President Nixon. Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in 
 the same year. 
1984 The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the assembly 
 line in New Stanton, PA. 
1986 Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of the late 
 Karen Silkwood $1.38 million to settle a 10-year-old 
 nuclear contamination lawsuit. 
1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush signed an order for calling 
 reservists to aid in the build up of troops in the Persian Gulf. 
1990 The U.S. State Department announced that the U.S. Embassy 
 in Kuwait would not be closed under President Saddam 
 Hussein's demand. 
1990 Angry smokers blocked a street in Moscow to protest the 
 summer-long cigarette shortage. 
1991 Mikhail S. Gorbachev returned to Moscow after the 
 collapse of the hard-liners' coup. On the same day he purged 
 the men that had tried to oust him. 
1992 In Rostock, Germany, neo-Nazi violence broke out 
 against foreigners. 
1996 U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended 
 guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work 
 from recipients. 
2004 In Oslo, Norway, a version of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" 
 and his work "Madonna" were stolen from the Munch Museum. 
 This version of "The Scream," one of four different versions, 
 was a tempera painting on board. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, August 21

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Man arrested for murder in R.I. home invasion
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed 
 forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their 
 partner.




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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the 
corkscrew and for several days we had to live on 
nothing but food and water.
--- W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)


The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the
outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the
story of George Washington chopping down his father's
cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth.

The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed
the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and
the shocked child protested that George Washington had not
been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father
wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"


>From Len
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job.   
I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to   
be taking off in a few... OOOPS! Here we go!'





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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Rudy Chavez, 43, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

Man arrested for murder in R.I. home invasion

The man believed to be responsible for the shooting death 
of 26-year-old Richard Catalano in North Providence on 
Sunday has been arraigned at the hospital.

24-year-old Dari Max Garcia has been charged with first 
degree murder, 2 counts assault with a deadly weapon, 
burglary, assault with intent to commit a felony, and 
several firearms charges. Garcia has an extensive criminal 
record and has served time behind bars in the past.

Garcia was arraigned on charges yesterday inside Rhode 
Island Hospital where he is being treated for a self inflicted
gunshot wound.

The incident happened just before midnight on Sunday when 
the suspect allegedly showed up at the Eliot Avenue attempting 
to gain access. When he entered he had a gun and struggled 
with the victim's mother and step father. During the struggle 
police say that Garcia bit Catalano's mother's finger off 
and shot her in the throat.

Catalano was also shot and he was pronounced dead on the 
scene.

Police say when they arrived Garcia attempted to kill himself 
and was unsuccessfull. He was brought to the hospital to be 
treated for injuries while in police custody.

Catalano's mother is currently recovering from her injuries 
at Rhode Island Hospital.

WPRI reports that Garcia has a "lengthy" criminal history, 
punctuated by an incident in February in which he was shot 
in the abdomen during an altercation with a police officer. 
He had just finished a two-year prison sentence for narcotics 
violations, and after the shooting he was charged with 
domestic assault and possession of heroin, among other charges.
He is out on bail awaiting trial on those charges.

Police are looking into whether the incident may be connected 
to a earlier incident involving a bogus shoe sale at an event 
at Brown University. 

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Fanny
Re: Blacklist size

Dear Webby
I noticed that the blacklist is getting quite huge.
That must be slowing things down badly. What size would you
call the maximum size?
Thanks
Fanny

Dear Fanny
What a nice and delightful name!

Spammers never use the same address twice, unless they forge
your name as the sender name.
It is quite safe to age off the blacklist in three days.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Ice Scraper for Cleaning
Using my favorite and best cooking pot, I put some green 
beans on to cook and went to the computer to check the 
weather while the strings beans were coming to a boil. 
While checking on the weather, I got distracted by something 
else that struck my interest and I completely forgot the 
green beans. Next thing I knew, the smoke alarm was 
blaring and the green beans were burned and stuck to the 
bottom of the pot. 

I tried all different methods to clean the pot and thought 
the Teflon finish was pitted and my pot ruined. Then, my 
husband suggested I try using the little plastic ice scraper 
I had stuck back in the "catch it all" drawer. It worked 
wonders and I was able to get my pot back in tip top shape. 
The finish on the pot was not harmed. 
By Litter Gitter [103] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart con-   
dition, but I wouldn't worry about it."   

"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a   
slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."


After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.  Several weeks
later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the
company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied.  "I'm writing to Mercedes!




» Farm Crops




Today in 
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took 
 possession of Santa Fe, NM. 
1831 Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection 
 in Virginia. He was later executed. 
1841 A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton. 
1888 The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs. 
1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed 
 forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their partner. 
1943 Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska 
 had been the last North American foothold by the Japanese. 
1945 U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that 
 had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies 
 during World War II. 
1959 Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower 
 also issued the order for the 50 star flag. 
1963 In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops 
and police began to crack down on the Buddhist anti-
 government protesters. 
1989 Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune 
 moon called Triton. 
1991 The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail 
 Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse 
 was led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin. 
1993 NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. 
 The fate of the spacecraft was unknown. The mission cost 
 $980 million. 
1997 Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it 
 had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was 
 potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was 
 the largest food recall in U.S. history. 
1997 Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the 
 United States. 
2002 In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf 
 unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He 
 extended his term in office and granted himself powers 
 that included the right to dissolve parliament. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Wedenesday, August 20.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
a N.M. Robber who was caught after showering, 
and shaving in elderly victim's home.
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1985 The original Xerox 914 copier was presented to the 
 Smithsonian Institute's Museum of American History. 
 Chester Carlson was the man who invented the machine. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





An expert is a person who avoids small errors 
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
--- Benjamin Stolberg

The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five 
Kings left--the King of England, the King of Spades, 
The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of 
Diamonds.
--- King Farouk of Egypt (1920 - 1965)

"Hell begins the day God grants you the vision to see 
all you could have done, should have done and would 
have done -- but did not do."

--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram.  While the
technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have
dextrocardia.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than
on the left," I answered.  "You should set up your machine to
accommodate that."

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have
you had that for long?"


The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "If nobody ain't got no crayons,
then what happened to all them crayons that nobody ain't got?"





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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Rudy Chavez, 43, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

Robber Caught After Showering, Shaving 
In Elderly Victim's Home

Police say a suspect accused of robbing a 94-year-old 
Albuquerque, New Mexico, man was caught after he shaved 
and showered in the victim's home - and left behind his 
fingerprints.

The Albuquerque Journal reports authorities said 43-year-old 
Rudy Chavez was arrested Saturday.

According to a criminal complaint, Chavez held Glen Miller 
at gunpoint while Chavez showered, shaved, dressed in Miller's 
clothes, and then left with Miller's car, television and 
cash. The complaint says Chavez told Miller he was committing 
the robbery because he had just been released from prison 
and couldn't find work.

Albuquerque Police Lt. Paul Szych said investigators 
identified Chavez through fingerprints on the shaver and 
a bottle of mouthwash.

Chavez faces a number of charges including kidnapping. 
He is held on $100.000 cash bail.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Eric
Re: HAR* spam

Dear Webby
Lately I have received a lot of spam supposedly about HAR*
and loans and similar topics, to all of my email addresses,
and there are many of those.
The letters seem to be identical.
What's the story and how do I get them to stop?
Eric

Dear Eric
Something you downloaded reported all of your email 
addresses to some hacker, who probably sold them to
a bunch of spammers.

Since you probably can't change your email addresses,
the only alternative is to get decent spam control,
like MailWasher.

It will identify the spam and mark it for deleting.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keeping Tops From Sticking to Bottles
To keep tops from sticking on bottles of things 
such as finger nail polish, glue, or other adhesives, 
rub a very small amount of Vaseline around the ridges 
before replacing the top. 

By Ann Reese 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


>From Ellen
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a   
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I   
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished   
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific   
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt   
hungry!   

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,   
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:   
"Serves 6."   


The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup
truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the
license plate number!"

"That's no help," Bubba replied, "I'm using the license plate
I stole off the mayor's truck to cut down on the speeding
tickets."




» Farm Crops




Today in 
1741 Danish navigator Vitus Jonas Bering discovered Alaska. 
1882 Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" debuted in Moscow. 
1914 German forces occupied Brussels, Belgium, during WW I. 
1923 The first American dirigible, the "Shenandoah," was 
 launched in Lakehurst, NJ. The ship began its maiden voyage 
 from the same location on September 4. 
1940 France fell to the Germans during World War II. 
1953 It was announced by the Soviet Union that they had 
 detonated a hydrogen bomb. 
1955 In Morocco and Algeria hundreds of people were killed 
 in anti-French rioting. 
1968 The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations began 
 invading Czechoslovakia to crush the "Prague Spring"
1977 Voyager 2 was launched by the United States. The 
 spacecraft was carrying a 12 inch copper phonograph record 
 containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of 
 music and sounds of nature. 
1985 The original Xerox 914 copier was presented to the 
 Smithsonian Institute's Museum of American History. Chester 
 Carlson was the man who invented the machine. 
1991 A rally of more than 100,000 people occurred outside 
 the Russian parliament building to protest the coup that 
 removed Gorbachev from power. 
1997 Britain began voluntary evacuation of its Caribbean 
 island of Montserrat due to the volcanic activity of the 
 Soufriere Hills. 
1998 Canada's Supreme Court announced that Quebec could 
 not secede without the federal government's consent. 
1998 U.S. military forces attacked a terrorist camp in 
 Afghanistan and a chemical plant in Sudan. Both targets 
 were chosen for cruise missile strikes due to their 
 connection with Osama bin Laden. 
1998 The U.N. Security Council extended trade sanctions 
 against Iraq for blocking arms inspections. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, August 19.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After 
"Humping" Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1960 Two dogs were launched in a satellite into Earth's orbit 
 by the Soviet Union. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
--- Jimmy Buffett

To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)  


>From Tim
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up
call.  The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly.
"This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.  "You were supposed
to call me at 6!",  I complained.  "What if I had a million-dollar
deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss
out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a
million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in
this motel!"


Thanks to Sandie for these Call Center recordings:
Customer:   "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and
can't get through; can you help?"

Operator:   "Where did you get that number, sir?"

Customer:   "It's on the door of your business."

Operator:   "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
-------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized
that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
get my file back again?"





If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Sila Hans, 33, Seattle, WA

Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After 
"Humping" Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self

A Washington woman who was wearing a short dress and no 
underwear is facing an indecent exposure charge after 
allegedly “humping” lawn chairs, exposing herself to a 
woman and two children, and urinating in public, 
according to police.

Sila Hans, 33, was arrested earlier this month by cops 
responding to a report of “an intoxicated female exposing 
herself and urinating on the lawn” of a Seattle residence.

A female witness told officers that Hans, seen above, 
“had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,” 
according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman 
added that she and her two children--ages 15 and 11--
watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window 
in their home.

After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly 
“exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals 
“with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the 
witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the 
lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”

Cops who confronted Hans reported that she was 
“extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior.” 
She was “wearing a short dress with no underwear,” noted 
Officer Nicolas Olsen, who arrested Hans for indecent 
exposure. He probably double-checked and was quite sure 
that she had no underwear.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Dwayne
Re: Getting McAfee onto my second machine

Dear Webby
I tried to get my McAfee onto my second machine, but it 
wants my Serial number. More civilized programs show the
license number when you hit Help/About, but McAfee is not
amongst those. I tried to chat Customer Service, but the
Taliban there took forever translating via Yahoo, and did
not quite get it for a long time. Eventually she sent me 
to Tech Support, even though it is a customer service issue.
Once somebody woke up there, they gave me a link to the 
shopping cart. DUH!

The program is great, but their support sure isn't.
How do I get the number?
Dwayne

Dear Dwayne
First get your user name and password. You probabaly have 
it in your RoboForm. Skype it or somehow send it to 
Machine #2.
Then, on Machine #2, go to 
https://home.mcafee.com/Secure/Protected/Login.aspx?ErrCode=PLEASE_LOGIN

Log in with your user name and password.
Then you can download McAfee and install it.
It even tells you your serial number, that the Taliban
could not give you.

From there on it is clear sailing.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Hot Thighs Better than Hot Wings
Buy a family pack of chicken thighs. Slice a 1/2 inch 
filet from each side of thigh, leaving the bone-in piece. 
This yields three finger-dipping size of meaty pieces. 
Roll in hot wing rub. Place in oven at 350 degrees F for 
30 minutes or deep fry until crispy and done.

Approximate Time: 30 minutes

Yield: 3 per thigh

By Avis [10] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


>From Rosie
The "BUT FIRST" Syndrome.  We all have it.

You decide to do the laundry.  So you start down the stairs
with the laundry, but then you see the newspapers on the
table.  OK, you'll do the laundry.........

BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away.  On
your way to put the newspapers away, you notice the mail
on the table.  OK, you'll put the newspapers away........

BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid.  You
look for the checkbook.  Oops...  there's the baby's bottle
from yesterday on the floor.  OK, you'll pay the bill........

BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink.  You
head for the kitchen.  There's the remote for the TV. What's
it doing in here?  OK, you'll put the bottle in the sink.....

BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away.  Head for the
TV room.  Aaagh!!!  stepped on the cat!  Cat needs to be
fed.  OK, you'll put the remote away...

BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat.  At the end of the day......
The laundry is not done; newspapers are still on the floor;
baby's bottle is on the table; bills are still unpaid;
checkbook is still lost; cat ate the remote control.......

And when you stop to figure out how come nothing got done
all day, you are baffled because......you know you were
busy ALL DAY!!


Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At
bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top 
of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger
brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? 
God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"




» Chocolate B.C.




Today in 
1812 "Old Ironsides" (the USS Constitution) won a battle 
 against the British frigate Guerriere east of Nova Scotia. 
1848 The discovery of gold in California was reported by 
 the New York Herald. 
1856 Gail Borden received a patent for his process of 
 condensing milk by vacuum. 
1909 The first car race to be run on brick occurred at the 
 Indianapolis Motor Speedway. 
1919 Afghanistan gained independence from Britain. 
1929 "Amos and Andy," the radio comedy program, made its 
 debut on NBC starring Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. 
1934 Adolf Hitler was approved for sole executive power in 
 Germany as Fuehrer. 
1940 The new Civil Aeronautics Administration awarded honorary 
 license #1 to Orville Wright. 
1942 About 6,000 Canadian and British soldiers launched a raid 
 against the Germans at Dieppe, France. They suffered about 
 50 percent casualties. 
1960 Francis Gary Powers, an American U-2 pilot, was convicted 
 of espionage in Moscow. 
1960 Two dogs were launched in a satellite into Earth's orbit 
 by the Soviet Union. 
1974 During an anti-American protest in Nicosia, Cyprus, U.S. 
 Ambassador Rodger P. Davies was fatally wounded by a bullet 
 while in the American embassy. 
1981 Two Libyan SU-22s were shot down by two U.S. Navy F-14 
 fighters in the Gulf of Sidra. 
1998 The first piece of the 351 foot bronze statue of 
 Christopher Columbus arrived in San Juan, Puerto Rico. 
1999 In Belgrade, thousands of Serbs attended a rally to 
 demand the resignation of Yugoslavia's President 
 Slobodan Milosevic. 
2004 Google Inc. stock began selling on the Nasdaq Stock 
 Market. The initial price was set at $85 and ended the day 
 at $100.34 with more than 22 million shares traded.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, August 18.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Woman who poisoned roommates after they 
caught her having sex with their dog
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1920 Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the U.S. 
 Constitution. The Amendment guaranteed the right of all 
 American women to vote. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, 
and the glare that obscures.
--- James Thurber (1894 - 1961) 

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. 
Pigs treat us as equals.
--- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)


The census taker knocked on Donna's door.  She answered all his
questions except one.  She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker,"
he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
she asked.

"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she
snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he intoned as he wrote on his form.


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
Boost Computer Speed
Delete Junk Files & Clean Up Windows®
Wipe Private Data & Internet Logs

Thanks to Tim for this story:
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at a speed of at least 30mph for it
to start.

She said fine, hopped into her old 5 ton Caddillac 
and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror
coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have
been a bit clearer with my directions.




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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Shari Walters, 53, Albuquerque, NM

Woman poisoned roommates after they 
caught her having sex with their dog

Police say a New Mexico woman who was arrested for allegedly 
poisoning her roommates admitted that she did so because 
they caught her having sex with their dogs.

Shari Walters, 53, was arrested Wednesday in Albuquerque 
after her roommates told Bernalillo County Sheriff’s deputies 
that she'd admitted putting rubbing alcohol and toilet bowl 
cleaner in their food.

They said that the alleged poisoning occurred two weeks ago, 
the evening after her female roommate, Beverly Bradley, 
allegedly discovered Walters "lying nude in a backyard 
shed with her German shepherd, Spike," according to Raw Story.

She confessed it wasn't the first time. According to the 
Albuquerque Journal, Walters said she'd been having sex with 
dogs since she was 14.

KOAT reports:
After the encounter, the complaint says, Walters admitted 
to having sex with both her roommates’ dogs. Walters was 
dating a male roommate and, according to the complaint, 
he broke up with her.

During dinner the night after the incident, both roommates 
noticed that their food tasted weird, and said Walters 
encouraged them to eat.

When they confronted her, Walters allegedly said that she'd 
"stop trying to kill [them] if Jeffrey would be with her," 
according to KOAT. Jeffrey is Beverly Bradley's brother and 
other roommate.

"That's psycho to me. I don't understand it," Beverly Bradley 
told the station.

Walters was taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation 
and then booked in Metropolitan Detention Center on charges 
including aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty 
to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Dianne
Re: My browsers go to Yaimo

Dear Webby
My browser defaults to yaimo, no matter how often I change
the HOME page back to mine. 
And everything is slowed down.
How can I fix that?
I have Superantispyware, but that is no help.
Dianne

Dear Dianne
That is nasty crap! You probably got it as a "Free Bonus" 
hidden on page 27 of the user agreement of some cutesy
program you downloaded from Cnet or some similar place full
of ads trying to sidetrack you into clicking on the wrong 
link.

Yes, Superantispyware won't touch it, neither will 99% of
the programs, that claim they would. AnviSoft and Regcure
are some that I remember being a big waste of time. They 
might possibly be useful for something else, but did not
help in getting rid of yaimo.

Usually yaimo opens a back door for even more malicious and 
more dangerous stuff.
MalwareBytes will get rid of most of that, and trim yaimo 
down to a harmless browser nuisance, that changes the home 
page and the chosen search engine.

Pretty well all reputable instructions for getting rid of 
yaimo INCLUDE running Malwarebytes as one of the first steps
involved. 
A good method is at im-infected.com

Keep in mind, no matter which programs and methods you use,
it is going to be tedious and time consuming.

Good Luck!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
No More Paper Products!
This was something that put more money in our pockets 
instantly! We stopped using napkins and paper towels. We 
were spending at least $5.00 a week just to wipe our 
mouths and clean our house. Every week, my cart would be 
loaded with another round of paper products. Every week, 
I kept thinking "there has got be a better way!" 
And there is! 

For napkins at mealtime, we use cotton cloths that I 
crochet. You can whip up at least two from a $1.47 ball 
of cotton yarn at your local chain store. I use my kids' 
favorite colors so they can use them for an entire day 
and not get them mixed up before throwing in the wash. 
Or, simply use a value pack of inexpensive washcloths 
that can be purchased for a mere $4.00 at Walmart!

As far as paper towel substitutes, I simply cut up our 
old t-shirts, sweat-pants, etc. They work like a charm 
for windows, mirrors and bathrooms. Saves the environment, 
space in my shopping cart, and money in my wallet. 
I can't believe I didn't do this years ago! :)

By melissa [1] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Thanks to Sandie for this one:
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really
sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look
into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he
had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic
process but he wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.
.......... God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCR....D."


A man went into the proctologist's office for his first
exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the
examination room and that he would be with him in just
a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the
examination room, he noticed that there were three
items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of
K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this
is my first exam.. I know what the K-Y is for... and I
know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door
open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said
a BUTT LIGHT!!!"




» Chocolate B.C.




Today in 
1227 The Mongol conqueror Ghengis Khan died. 
1587 Virginia Dare became the first child to be born on 
American soil of English parents. The colony that is now 
Roanoke Island, NC, mysteriously vanished. 
1894 The Bureau of Immigration was established by the 
 U.S. Congress. 
1914 The "Proclamation of Neutrality" was issued by U.S. 
 President Woodrow Wilson. It was aimed at keeping the U.S. 
 out of World War I, but England persuaded the US to 
 participate and boost the economy. 
1920 Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the U.S. 
 Constitution. The Amendment guaranteed the right of all 
 American women to vote. 
1937 The first FM radio construction permit was issued in 
 Boston, MA. The station went on the air two years later. 
1938 The Thousand Islands Bridge was dedicated by U.S. 
 President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The bridge connects 
 the U.S. and Canada. 
1940 Canada and the U.S. established a joint defense plan 
 against the possible enemy attacks during World War II. 
 Hitler was too dumb to realize, that the deck was already
 stacked agaisnt him.
1958 Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita" was published. 
1966 The first pictures of earth taken from moon orbit were 
 sent back to the U.S. 
1990 The first shots were fired by the U.S. in the Persian 
 Gulf Crisis when a U.S. frigate fired rounds across the 
 bow of an Iraqi oil tanker. 
1991 An unsuccessful coup was attempted in against President 
 Mikhail S. Gorbachev. The Soviet hard-liners were responsible. 
 Gorbechev and his family were effectively imprisoned for 
 three days while vacationing in Crimea. 
1998 Mrs. Field's Original Cookies announced that they would 
 acquire the Great American Cookie Co. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, August 17.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Arkansas teacher who got caught messing with a 13 year old
and leaving a trail of naked pictures on Snapchat
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as 
 the "Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River 
 on its successful round-trip to Albany.




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





The phrase "action speaks louder than words," is most easily 
proven by a swift kick to the genitals.
--- Devin J. Monroe (1983 - 


Thanks to Susan for this story:
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not
talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts
was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"
I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
Boost Computer Speed
Delete Junk Files & Clean Up Windows®
Wipe Private Data & Internet Logs

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the
instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to
give their escorts every chance to be gallant.  She said,
"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step
around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the guy is in
the restaurant flirting at the waitress, don't wait any longer."


Thanks to Jean for sending this picture:


Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by William 

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Mary Faith McCormick, 

Arkansas teacher who got caught messing 
with a 13 year old and leaving a trail of 
naked pictures on Snapchat

A sixth-grade teacher in the rural northwest corner of 
Arkansas was arrested on Wednesday and charged with having 
multiple sexual encounters with a 13-year-old boy.

The teacher is 32-year-old Mary Faith McCormick, reports 
local CBS affiliate KFSM. She is a sixth-grade teacher at 
Siloam Springs Intermediate School.

Local police, who began investigating last week after 
receiving a few anonymous reports, say the forbidden love 
began on a dare. Specifically, one of the unnamed 
13-year-old boy’s friends dared the kid to call McCormick. 
One thing led to another, and the 19 years separating 
McCormick and the student proved to be no physical barrier.

One of the trysts occurred after the boy and a friend took 
in a movie at McCormick’s residence. (It’s not clear if it 
was the same friend who proposed the dare.) Like a good 
wingman, the friend left after the flick was over. McCormick 
and her 13-year-old lover then allegedly had sex.

There’s also the very impressive trail of Snapchat messages, 
which includes nude photographs and much raunchiness.

A police investigation of McCormick’s Snapchat account 
uncovered a treasure trove of photos and videos related to 
the affair.

A 12-year-old female friend of the 13-year-old boy came 
across one of the Snapchat sessions when she was using the 
boy’s phone, and as girls always do, snooped around. 
Among the messages was a photo of McCormick wearing just a 
towel.

Another photo shows a pair of breasts that police believe 
belong to McCormick — but investigators say they can’t be 
sure until they can get her to s trip for them.

An unidentified witness told police about a photo of 
McCormick — with wet hair and breasts mostly bare — 
and text reading. “I’m not dirty anymore,” according 
to the KFSM.

The CBS affiliate notes that McCormick is currently 
married and has a daughter. Her father is a teacher in 
the local school district.

The full, three-page arrest affidavit has been made publicly 
available by the station. 
Highlights include the 13-year-old boy telling police that 
he used Snapchat to send McCormick a picture of “his ‘boner.’”

The 12-year-old girl who borrowed the phone said she 
recalled a message on the photo-messaging application from 
McCormick to the 13-year-old that read “I want to climb 
your cock,” or something similar.

Also, the 13-year-old boy told police that McCormick had 
picked him up in her car just a couple weeks ago and drove 
him to a plot of land “where she is building her new house.” 
The teen then fondly reconstructed the events that 
transpired by explaining that McCormick was “sucking his dick.”

McCormick faces at least one felony rape count. She was 
released from jail on Thursday after posting bond of 
$50,000.

School district officials have suspended her with pay.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Irene
Re: Can Open Office open MS Office files?

Dear Webby
I have a lot of files that I wrote at work over the years
with the MS Office we have there. Yeah, I know, naughty,
naughty! The problem is, now that I am retired, I had to
get my own computer, but there is no way I am going to pay
the outrageous price for MS Office.

I uploaded all my stuff to DropBox, and can retrieve it
from there. Actually, I have already downloaded most of it.
Can I open those MS Weird and MS Excel files with 
Open Office?
Thanks
Irene

Dear Irene
Yes, sure. You can open and edit them with Open Office,
and even save them back into Microsoft format, 
or into Open Office format.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Coin Purse for Broken Keyless Remote
My keychain/car remote broke. The small end that had a 
hole that allowed the metal ring to loop through it broke 
so I couldn't hook the key ring to the remote anymore.
They are EXPENSIVE to replace and I wanted the convenience 
of the remote and the keys hooked together. I thought about 
the shape and rummaged through my 'junk drawer' for an old 
plastic coin purse that my kids used to use. If you squeeze 
the ends, it opens to put coins OR to put my remote in 
there! I am sure they are in dollar stores everywhere.

It fit great over the entire remote and I could hook my 
keys to it again. Just a little thing to make my life easier 
and I've used it happily every since!

By Donna [126] 

You can also take an old key, lay it on the back of the
remote, so that the eyelet sticks out beyond it, and mark 
where the battery door is. Saw it off there. They are brass
and easy sawing.
Cover the battery door with some tape and epoxy the key onto
the back, and you will have a much sturdier eyelet than the 
original plastic.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


From Nanarina
Did you know these connections?

ABC News executive producer Ian Cameron is married to Susan Rice,
National Security Adviser.

CBS President David Rhodes is the brother of Ben Rhodes, Obama’s
Deputy National Security Adviser for Strategic Communications.

ABC News correspondent Claire Shipman is married to Whitehouse
Press Secretary Jay Carney

ABC News and Univision reporter Matthew Jaffe is married to
Katie Hogan, Obama’s Deputy Press Secretary

ABC President Ben Sherwood is the brother of Obama’s Special
Adviser Elizabeth Sherwood

CNN President Virginia Moseley is married to former 
Hillary Clinton’s Deputy Secretary Tom Nides.
-------------
Not a joke, but rather funny anyway.


A middle aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor
for a check up.  After a thorough examination, the doctor said,
"Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut
out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc,
I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1790 The capital city of the U.S. moved to Philadelphia 
 from New York City. 
1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as 
 the "Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River 
 on its successful round-trip to Albany. 
1815 Napoleon began serving his exile when he arrived at 
 the island of St. Helena. 
1859 A hot air balloon was used to carry mail for the first 
 time. John Wise left Lafayette, IN, for New York City with 
 100 letters. He had to land after only 27 miles. 
1863 Federal batteries and ships bombarded Fort Sumter in 
 Charleston, SC, harbor during the Civil War. 
1896 The Klondike gold rush was set off by George Carmack 
 discovering gold on Rabbit Creek in the Yukon. 
1903 Joseph Pulitzer donated a million dollars to Columbia 
 University. This started the Pulitzer Prizes in his name. 
1915 Charles F. Kettering received a patent for an 
 electric ignition device like the ones used in cars for 
 20 years. 
1943 The Allied conquest of Sicily was completed as U.S. 
 and British forces entered Messina. 
1945 The nationalists of Indonesia declared their 
 independence from the Netherlands. 
1961 The Communist East German government completed the 
 construction of the Berlin Wall. 
1978 Maxie Anderson, Ben Abruzzo and Larry Newman became 
 the first to land after a successful trans-Atlantic balloon 
 flight. The voyage began in Presque Isle, ME and ended in 
 Miserey, France. 
1982 The U.S. Senate approved an immigration bill that granted 
 permanent resident status to illegal aliens who had arrived 
 in the United States before 1977. 
1985 A year-long strike began when 1,400 Geo. A. Hormel and Co. 
 meat packers walked off the job. 
1992 Woody Allen admitted to being romantically involved with 
 Soon-Yi Previn. The girl was the adopted daughter of Mia 
 Farrow, Allen's longtime companion. 
1996 A military cargo plane crashed in Wyoming killing eight 
 crewmembers and a Secret Service employee. The plane was 
 carrying gear for U.S. President Clinton. 
1998 U.S. President Clinton admitted to having an improper 
 relationship with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern. 
1998 NationsBank and BankAmerica merge to create the largest 
 U.S. bank. 
1998 Russia devalued the ruble. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday,  August 16.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Hawaiian 19-Year-Old 'Mastermind' who robbed 3 banks, 
got a root canal, bragged on Facebook, with picture
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1960 Cyprus was granted independence by Britain. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
--- William H. Mauldin (1921 - 2003)

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
--- Jane Caminos


A couple had been married for 45 years and had
raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with
22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying
together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years
ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to
pack up and leave has to take all the kids."


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I was a Bible seller a few years ago when I was down on my
luck a bit. Trying to sell Bibles on the corner was tough and
I wasn't doing too well when this young fellow with a really
bad stutter came up to me and said,
"Wha wha what are you, you, try try trying to s s s sell?"

I said I'm selling Bibles and I'm not doing too well.
Well with that he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
"C c c can I t t ttake a couple and s s s sell them them
d d door to d d door for you?" he asked.

So I gave him three Bibles and he was off, but only for
twenty minutes and he was back cash in hand, amazing!
So with no hesitation he was off with six more, and again
about half an hour later, all gone! Incredible, too good to
be true, so I thought I'd follow him and see what his
secret was!

He tapped on the door of his next house and I heard him
say to the householder,"W ww wo wou would you you you
li li li like t t t to b b b buy a B B BIble or would y y y you
you you li li li like like m m me t t t ta read it t t to you?!!


Thanks to Janina for this picture from her garden:


Click on the picture for the large version
Dear WEbby,   Hope you enjoy this photo I caught in 
my garden this afternoon.  
Thanks for always sharing a great humor letter and 
so much useful information.
I hope you continue to feel better 
and wish you all the best!        
Janina from NJ

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by Helen

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Marcus Kalani Watson, also known as Kiki Seui, 19, Oahu, HI

Hawaiian 19-Year-Old 'Mastermind' who robbed 3 banks, 
got a root canal, bragged on Facebook, with picture

A 19-year-old mastermind of armed robberies at a recycling 
center and three Oahu banks used part of the nearly $41,000 
stolen on dental work, according to an FBI affidavit filed 
in federal court.

Marcus Kalani Watson, also known as Kiki Seui, pointed a 
pistol at the chest of a Reynolds Recycling worker and 
threatened to shoot him after the worker threw cash on the 
ground during the April 22 robbery, court documents show 
an informant told the FBI.

Two days later, Watson posted a photo of himself on 
Facebook holding a large amount of cash, the FBI said.

The worker "was the one acting tough," Watson told the 
informant, according to the FBI. "He almost got shot 
right in the chest . . . I cocked the gun. I aimed it 
right at him."

Watson also is accused of holding up tellers at the 
Wahiawa branch of Central Pacific Bank and the Pearlridge 
and Salt Lake branches of American Savings Bank in May. 
The FBI said Rogussia Eddie Allen Danielson, 19, was 
involved in the American Savings Bank robberies, while 
AJ Williander, 18, was the getaway driver in the 
Pearlridge branch robbery.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Don
Re: Is spoof and spam the same?

Dear Webby
Is  " spoof " and " spam " the same thing ?
Thanks for writing a great newsletter
Don,  " The Big Guy "

Dear Don
Spam is just junkmail, for example some idiot trying to
sell you breast enlargement pills or snake oil fuel
enhancers, or similar useless stuff.

A spoof is a malicious spam, for example those phony eBay
and PayPal notices, that try to con you into donating your
user name and password, or phony postcard pick-up notices
from unidentified senders like "a classmate" or "a worshipper".
Those infect your computer with a virus if you click on them.

If you don't have MailWasher, then reveal the headers on
anything the slightest bit suspicious and get the hang of
reading the gobbledigook in the header. If the link 
underlying the phoney PayPal link is some long and weird
Url, then dump it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Easy Camping Firestarters
My son used to be in Boy Scouts and they loved to make a 
fire at night during the summer. For fire starters, we took 
the cardboard from toilet paper and taped one end shut. 
Then he filled the tube up with dryer lint and taped the 
end shut. 

When starting a fire, put a few in the fire for fire 
starters. The log catches quick and the fire soon spreads 
to the wood. It makes a little smoke when burned, so throw 
a few in the fire when the bugs come out and the smoke 
chases them away.

By Kathy Lynn [2] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to
four thousand feet for noise abatement."

Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating
excess noise at three thousand feet?"

Tower: "At four thousand feet, you will miss
that ugly helicopter ahead of you. They make a
big racket when you hit them."


Old man Zack had an incredible mule.  They had been together
for years and stayed pretty much to themselves.  One day, Zack
and his mule were walking down the road when a passerby asked
if Zack needed a ride to town.  Zack accepted the offer and the
driver asked, "What about your mule?"

Zack said, "Oh, don't worry about him.  He'll keep up."  Then
Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind.

The driver was a little cruel and decided to speed up a little.
The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55 mph.
The driver accelerated and the mule and stayed with them.
They reached 70 miles per hour and the mule was still right
behind them.  The driver couldn't believe this.  He turned to
Zack and said, "I'm worried about your mule.  His tongue is
hanging out."

Zack said, "Which way?"

The driver said, "Left."

And Zack said, "Well, stay in this lane, he's about to pass."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1777 During the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of 
 Bennington took place. New England's minutemen routed the 
 British regulars. 
1812 Detroit fell to Indian and British troops in the War 
 of 1812. 
1858 A telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to 
 U.S. President Buchanan was transmitted over the recently 
 laid trans-Atlantic cable. 
1861 U.S. President Lincoln prohibited the Union states 
 from trading with the states of the Confederacy.
1923 Carnegie Steel Corporation put into place the eight
 hour workday for its employees. 
1960 Cyprus was granted independence by Britain. 
1960 The free-fall world record was set by Joseph Kittinger. 
 He fell more than 16 miles (about 84,000 feet) before 
 opening his parachute over New Mexico. 
1978 Xerox was fined for excluding Smith-Corona Mfg. from 
 the copier market. The fine was $25.6 million. 
1995 Voters in Bermuda rejected independence from 
 Great Britain. 
1999 In Russia, Vladimir V. Putin was confirmed as prime 
 minister by the lower house of parliament. 


2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday,  August 15
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Floriduh duo busted for x-rated romp in parking lot
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1057 Macbeth, the King of Scotland, was killed by the son 
 of King Duncan.




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





People that are really very weird can get into sensitive 
positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
--- Dan Quayle (1947 - ) 


Thanks to Liz for his story:
To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a
pregnancy test kit. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she
asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared
to the clerk when I waddled up nine months pregnant to pay for
the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now.
You're definitely going to have a baby."


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>From Lorraine
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of
the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained
that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-
grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a
living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free pro-
fessional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine
and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."




Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by Helen

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

April Newcomb, 42, and Brandon Tinyes, 20, Bradenton, Floriduh

Floriduh duo busted for x-rated romp in parking lot

AUGUST 13--A Florida woman who once was busted for cheering 
on her teenage daughter during a videotaped brawl with a 
classmate was arrested yesterday after cops spotted her 
having sex with a 20-year-old man while standing outside 
a pickup truck parked in front of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s 
restaurant.

Responding to a 6 PM report of “two individuals engaging in 
sexual activity on the side of a red pickup truck,” cops 
discovered April Newcomb, 42, and Brandon Tinyes,20 , trysting.

The couple was standing next to the open driver’s side door 
of a “red pickup truck with the tailgate down and both doors 
open.” The parking lot was “full of foot travel by people.”
Apparently it got too hot inside the parked truck. 

As detailed in an explicit Manatee County Sheriff’s Office 
report, a deputy spotted Tinyes “thrusting his hip back 
and forth” while the “moaning” Newcomb’s legs were wrapped 
around him. Newcomb and Tinyes were both naked from the 
waist down and had their genitals exposed, according to 
the report.

After Tinyes “moved away from between” Newcomb’s legs, the 
pair explained that “they were friends and having sex.”

Newcomb and Tinyes (pictured above) were arrested for lewd 
and lascivious behavior and exposure of sexual organs, both 
misdemeanors. Newcomb, a Bradenton resident, remains locked 
up in the county jail on $620 bond. Tinyes, who was also hit 
with a marijuana possession count, bailed out of custody 
earlier today.

Newcomb was previously in the news in September 2010, when 
she was arrested for felony child abuse after she was seen 
on YouTube videos loudly encouraging her daughter to fight 
another teenager (a still from one of those videos is below).

One video shows Newcomb, serving as her child’s corner man, 
yelling, “Don’t fucking stop” and “Punch her in the fucking 
body.” 

I remember considering her for a bonehead award, but at 
that time she got beat out by an even dumber crook.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Janice
Re: Gmail filters

Dear Webby
You have mentioned Gmail filters, but I never paid attention.
Now that HAR* spam is going on my nerves.
Can you please tell us again how to make filters?
Thanks
Janice

Dear Janice
Type the common search criteria into the search on top of 
Gmail. Pull down the little arrow on the right of the search
and fine-tune the search. For example put "Harper" into the
"Doesn't have" field. Yes, they finally added at least one
Boolean field. Not like the 16 in MailWasher, but even one
is a help.

Then at the right bottom of that is a link to make a filter 
with that info.

In the next window you specify what is to be done with 
the found stuff, for example "Delete it".

Don't forget to put a checkmark at the bottom into 
"Also apply to matching conversations"
That's snooty yuppy talk for 
"Stuff already found in your account, 
not just stuff, that might show up in the future".

After you hit make this filter, it will take some time,
but eventually your inbox will be updated without the 
obnoxious Har* crap.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Using An Iron For Candle Wax Cleanup
I always do the same thing no matter where the wax has 
dripped; once on expensive (not mine) speakers. Let the 
iron heat up to a medium/light setting and have many paper 
towels (or paper bags ripped into squares) ready. You put 
down the paper or paper bag then place the iron on the spot. 
As soon as you see the paper (bag) getting a wet look to 
it remove it. Do the same thing over again and again until 
it's all removed. It works on wood, fabric, even walls 
(that you can't scrape).

I have only once had a color stain left. That time I used 
a baking soda mixture to remove the small reddish stain 
left behind. 

Sometimes the easy things seem too simple, but try it. 
I have never had it fail. Make sure you don't let too much 
absorb at once, keep replacing the paper towels. The time 
I didn't have paper towels was when I cut a grocery brown 
bag up into squares and it worked also. Good luck!

By Luana M. from San Diego, CA 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising
activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a
sour-faced, older lady came to the door and barked out, "What
do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, ma'am?"

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who
would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar
bottles?"


>From Ashton
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly
me out to the meeting on business class. During the return
flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry,
I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a sick
bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess
approached me. "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that
for you?"

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1057 Macbeth, the King of Scotland, was killed by the son 
 of King Duncan. 
1848 The dental chair was patented by M. Waldo Hanchett. 
1877 Thomas Edison wrote to the president of the Telegraph 
 Company in Pittsburgh, PA. The letter stated that the word, 
 "hello" would be a more appropriate greeting than "ahoy" 
 when answering the telephone. 
1911 The product Crisco was introduced by Procter & Gamble 
1914 The Panama Canal was officially opened to commercial 
 traffic as an American ship sailed from the Atlantic to 
 the Pacific Ocean. 
1918 Diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Russia were 
 severed. 
1943 Because of his special talent to use food scraps 
 in both unusual and appetizing recipes, the U.S. War 
 Department awarded Sgt. Edward Dzuba the Legion of Merit. 
1944 The Allied forces of World War II landed in southern 
 France. 
1947 India became independent from Britain and was divided 
 into the countries of India and Pakistan. India had been 
 under British about 200 years. 
1948 The Republic of Korea was proclaimed. 
1949 In San Francisco, a stunt leap off the Golden Gate 
 Bridge was performed for the first time. 
1961 East German workers began construction of Berlin Wall. 
1971 U.S. President Nixon announced a 90-day freeze on wages, 
 rents and prices. 
1986 The U.S. Senate approved a package of economic sanctions 
 against South Africa. The ban included the importing of steel, 
 uranium, textiles, coal, and produce from South Africa. 
1997 The U.S. Justice Department decided not to prosecute FBI 
 officials in connection with the deadly 1992 Ruby Ridge siege 
 in Idaho. The investigation dealt with an alleged cover-up. 
2001 Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar 
 system outside our own. They had discovered two planets 
 orbiting a star in the Big Dipper. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, August 14

Thank you, Nancy!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
NC burglar caught draggiing safe through town
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1953 The whiffle ball was invented.




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. 
But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you 
can make a crowd of men.
--- Max Beerbohm (1872 - 1956)


A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth.  Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I
forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false
teeth.  "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them.  "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of
false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address.  After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.  Where is your office?  I've
been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."


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Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"




Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by Helen

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Ryan James Mullins, 22, Swansboro, NC

Burglar caught dragging safe behind truck

A Swansboro man is accused of stealing a safe from a drug 
store during an early-morning break-in.

Police say 22-year-old Ryan James Mullins was dragging the 
safe when he was caught Tuesday. He's charged with 
safecracking, breaking and entering, larceny after 
breaking and entering, possession of stolen goods, 
trafficking of opium or heroin and several traffic 
violations. 

Officers responding to an alarm say they found Mullins 
driving down a road towing the safe. The safe in the 
incident was about 8 feet tall and about 2 feet deep 
and was used to hold medications, according to Public 
Safety Chief Bob Ritchie. It's believed that Mullins 
was trying to get controlled substances from the safe.

That must have woken up half of Swansboro! 
Remember the sound of students dragging dumpsters 
filled with drunk youngsters around town during 
spring break celebrations? That safe must have 
made a similar racket.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Jim
Re: Forwarding movies

Good morning, Dude!
Another question for you.  Ophelia sometimes has these 
video clips that I would like to copy to send to friends 
but I have had no luck figuring out how.  Help!?

Thanks again....you're the greatest!
Jim

Dear Jim
Why not just send them the URL to her newsletter or her 
Blog archive? Even if you manage to save them and get them 
to work on your machine, which can be very tricky, it is 
a big gamble whether they will work on your buddy's machine.

In her blog  scroll to the bottom of THAT day, and click on 
the tiny PERMA-LINK link. That gives you a URL, that goes 
straight to that day, even if it is from years ago.

With any luck your buddy will sign up and make her day.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Blanket Curtain Without Sewing
This blanket was the perfect size, color, and price to 
cover my closet. But my sewing machine is in storage so...
I got 10 binder clips and a package of shower curtain rings 
from the dollar store, and made them work. Now that I have 
done this, I can advise you to use something just a bit 
thinner for the rings. I couldn't get them through, but 
one of the loops to click them. So anything would work; 
bigger key rings, etc. 

Looks nice, huh? Total cost: $2.95. 
N-JOY!
By Sandi/Poor But Proud [397] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are
bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-
consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was
baked in the home, the average life expectancy
was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged
for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the
user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut
butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the
human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows
that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450
degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an
adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable
to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless AlGorian statistical babbling.


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom
scale sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver,
she commented, "I don't think that's going to help"

"Sure it does, " he says, 
"it's the only way I can see the numbers."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1248 The rebuilding of the Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, 
 Germany, began after being destroyed by fire. 
1805 A peace treaty between the U.S. and Tunis was signed 
 on board the USS Constitution. 
1848 The Oregon Territory was established. 
1880 The Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany was completed 
 after 632 years of rebuilding. 
1888 A patent for the electric meter was granted to Oliver 
 B. Shallenberger. 
1896 Gold was discovered in Canada's Yukon Territory. Within 
 the next year more than 30,000 people rushed to the area 
 to look for gold. 
1900 An international force, consisting of eight nations, 
 lifted the siege of Peking. It was the end to the Boxer 
 Rebellion, which was aimed at purging China of foreigners. 
1917 China declared war on Germany and Austria during 
 World War I. 
1919 About 1 million tons of ice and rock broke off of a 
 glacier near Mont Blanc, France. Nine people were killed 
 in the incident. 
1935 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the 
 Social Security Act into law. The act created unemployment 
 insurance and pension plans for the elderly. 
1936 The first basketball competition was held at the 
 Olympic Games in Berlin, Germany. The U.S. defeated 
 Canada, 19-8. 
1941 The U.S. Congress appropriated the funds to construct 
 the Pentagon (approximately $83 million). The building 
 was the new home of the U.S. War Department. 
1944 The federal government allowed the manufacture of 
 certain domestic appliances to resume on a limited basis. 
1945 It was announced by U.S. President Truman that Japan 
 had surrendered unconditionally. The surrender ended 
 World War II. 
1947 Pakistan became independent from British rule. 
1953 The whiffle ball was invented. 
1962 A U.S. mail truck was held up in Plymouth, MA. The 
 robbers got away with more that $1.5 million dollars. 
1969 British troops arrived in Northern Ireland to 
 intervene in sectarian violence between Protestants 
 and Roman Catholics. 
1973 The U.S. bombing of Cambodia ended. The halt marked 
 the official end to 12 years of combat in Indochina 
 by the U.S. 
1976 A charity softball game began for the Community General 
 Hospital in Monticello, NY. The game was eventually called 
 off due to weather after 30 hours. The final score was 
 Gager's Diner's 491 to Bend 'n Elbow Tavern's 467. 
1980 People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was 
 incorporated. 
1992 The U.S. announced that emergency airlifts of food 
 to Somalia would begin. The action was being taken to 
 stop mass deaths due to starvation. 
1995 Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet in the 
 history of The Citadel, South Carolina's state military 
 college. She quit the school less than a week later. 
2000 Valujet was ordered to pay $11 million in fines and 
 restitution for hazardous waste violations in the crash 
 that killed 110 people in 1996.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, August 13

Thank you, Nancy!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Delaware burglar caught cooking crab cakes
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1961 Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the 
 flight of East Germans to the West. Two days later work 
 on the Berlin Wall began. 




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. 
But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you 
can make a crowd of men.
--- Max Beerbohm (1872 - 1956)


The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart 
attacks than the British or Americans.  On the other hand, 
the French eat a lot of fat, and also suffer fewer heart 
attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer 
heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians 
drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer 
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like.  
It's speaking English that kills you.


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
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Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible
and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he
was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad
language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" He asked, very concerned.

She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."




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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Stephen Quinn, 41, Delaware

Burglar caught cooking crab cakes

A burglar was arrested after being caught cooking crab cakes 
at the restaurant he broke into.

Most thieves are usually desperate to get in and out as quickly 
as possible, but not Stephen L. Quinn who was busy preparing 
a midnight snack in the kitchen after breaking the glass 
front door at Delaware's Planet X Cafe.

But before he could sit down and enjoy his meal-for-one, 
police arrived on the scene and captured the 41-year-old 
after he tried to give officers the slip.

Quinn, who had also stolen a bottle of alcohol to accompany 
his food, was charged with burglary, theft under $1,500, 
criminal mischief, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct, 
reports Delmarvanow.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Ellen
Re: Delete redundant URL and form choices in Chrome		

Dear Webby,
 
Thanks so very much for your daily humor letter.
I will try to upload some of your photos to Facebook or e-mails and I  get
This error message;"Can't Read Files
Your photos couldn't be uploaded. Photos should be saved as JPG, PNG, GIF or TIFF files."
 
Sometimes it just reads "Error."
 
I have copied some and then scanned the copy and itd is still the same.
How do I get photos in JEPG?  I thought all my photo files were JEPG.
 
Thanks so much for help...I need all the help I can get!

Dear Hank
Make sure the file names do not have spaces in them.
Busty Blonde.jpg won't work
BustyBlonde.jpg will work fine.

There should not be ANY empty spaces in the file names, 
including at the end.

When you scan something, save it as JPG, not as TIF.
Some scanners come pre-set for TIFF, especially if they 
are Scan/Fax combos. TIFF has it's uses, but can be a 
real nuisance, and most browsers don't accept it.

You can use any graphics program to convert TIF or TIFF 
pictures to JPG. Don't just rename them, that makes 
them useless. You have to actually convert them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Vanilla Extract Room Freshener
Recently I wanted to freshen up my home and had no air 
freshener on hand. Instead I took a small pot and placed 
some water in it, added a few drops of vanilla and some 
ground ginger. I then put it on the stove at the lowest 
setting and let it simmer. The whole house smelled 
wonderful!

By countryheart from Marianna, FL 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just
before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them,
"Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain
was the correct answer, "Because most of the people 
are sleeping!"


Bob was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was his
first time in a casino, and he wasn't sure how the machines
operated.

"Excuse me." he said to a casino employee.  "How does
this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin
button,  and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" he asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"It comes out at the ATM over there."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1521 Present day Mexico City was captured by Spanish conqueror 
 Hernando Cortez from the Aztec Indians. 
1704 The Battle of Blenheim was fought during the War of the 
 Spanish Succession, resulting in a victory for English and 
 Austrian forces. 
1792 French revolutionaries took the entire French royal 
 family and imprisoned them. 
1889 A patent for a coin-operated telephone was issued 
 to William Gray. 
1932 Adolf Hitler refused to take the post of vice-chancellor 
 of Germany. He said he was going to hold out 
 "for all or nothing." 
1942 Henry Ford unveiled his "Soybean Car." It was a 
 plastic-bodied car that weighed about 1000 lbs. less than 
 a steel car. 
1959 In New York, ground was broken on the $320 million 
 Verrazano Narrows Bridge. 
1960 "Echo I," a balloon satellite, allowed the first 
 two-way telephone conversation by satellite to take place. 
1961 Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the 
 flight of East Germans to the West. Two days later work 
 on the Berlin Wall began. 
1985 The engagement of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger 
 was announced. 
1990 Iraq transferred $3-4 billion in bullion, currency, and 
 other goods seized from Kuwait to Baghdad. 
1992 Woody Allen began legal action to win custody of his 
 three children. A judge ruled against Allen in 1993. 
1994 It was reported that aspirin not only helps reduce 
 the risk of heart disease, but also helps prevent 
 colon cancer.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, August 12.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Las Vegas MMA fighter, who beat up his girlfriend.
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1981 - IBM unveiled its first PC.




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If there were in the world today any large number of people 
who desired their own happiness more than they desired the 
unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
--- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)


A boy and his dad were playing with toy cars.  The father had the
police car and pretended to pull over the car that the boy was
playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" he asked the boy.

"No," the boy answered seriously.

"Are you resisting arrest?" asked the father.

The boy hesitated, then said, "Yes, I'm not sleepy yet."


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
Boost Computer Speed
Delete Junk Files & Clean Up Windows®
Wipe Private Data & Internet Logs

On her way back from the concession stand, Sally
asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me,
but did I step on your foot before?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

The woman nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row."




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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Jonathan Koppenhaver, Las Vegas, NV

Porn Star Christy Mack Hospitalized 
After MMA Fighter Attacks, Flees

Las Vegas police are searching for a mixed martial arts 
fighter who they believe attacked his girlfriend and 
then fled.

Jonathan Koppenhaver is accused of beating porn star 
Christy Mack on Friday evening in an attack that left 
her with "serious" but not "life-threatening" injuries, 
cops told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

She has more tattoos, but Koppenhaver, a trained boxer and
MMA fighter, outweighs her almost two to one. 


His name on Twitter is WarMachine170
-------------
War Machine        ? @WarMachine170
I only wish that man hadn't been there and that 
Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don't know 
y I'm so cursed.One day truth will come out

War Machine @WarMachine170  ·  22h
I'm not a bad guy, I went to surprise my gf, help 
her set up her show and to give her an engagement 
ring and ended up fighting for my life.
-----------

There is no news about the man who made him fight for his 
life, and who apparently left before Koppenhaver took his
frustrations out on his girlfriend. His tweets hint towards 
a UPS driver.

Considering his tattoos and addiction to muscle building 
gyms, he will probably be caught soon.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Ellen
Re: Delete redundant URL and form choices in Chrome		

Dear Webby,
Chrome is trying to be helpful when I fill out forms
or type URLs. Usually that is great, but when a typo is 
higher in the alphabet, it shows that on top, and after
a while, there is just too much useless crap on top to
make that feature a nuisance, not a help.
How do I weed that out?
Ellen

Dear Ellen
Scroll down th list of choices that Chrome offers, 
highlight a bad one, and hit SHIFT DELETE.
Just Delete alone won't help.
With SHIFT DEL you can weed out the choices one by one.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grass Skirts From Tissue Paper
In the old days when they made pom poms we used a form of 
tissue paper. Well I thought to be easy and so children 
can help, use tissue paper of any colors. You can use the 
same color or different colors. It is a fun way of doing 
it and the children love helping. They can do the cutting 
or the pasting on the material that is used for the waist 
band. That is how we make a grass skirt.

By Georgett from Hacienda Heights, CA 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him.  Later that day, Carlson came
back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I want to get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal.  What do you want
to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole..."


A man goes to the eye doctor.
The receptionist asks him why he is there.

The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front
of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen an
Optometrist?"
The man replies, "No, just spots."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1676 - "King Phillip's War" came to an end with the killing 
 of Indian chief King Phillip. The war between the Indians 
 and the Europeans lasted for two years. 
1851 - Isaac Singer was issued a patent on the double-headed 
 sewing machine. 
1865 - Disinfectant was used for the first time during surgery 
 by Joseph Lister. 
1877 - Thomas Edison invented the phonograph and made the first 
 sound recording. 
1898 - The Spanish-American War was ended with the signing 
 of the peace protocol. The U.S. acquired Guam, Puerto Rico 
 and the Philippines. Hawaii was also annexed. 
1915 - "Of Human Bondage", by William Somerset Maugham, was 
 first published. 
1918 - Regular airmail service began between Washington, DC, 
 and New York City. 
1939 - "The Wizard of Oz" premiered in Oconomowoc, WI. Judy 
 Garland became famous for the movie's song "Somewhere Over 
 the Rainbow." The movie premiered in Hollywood on August 15th. 
1953 - The Soviet Union secretly tested its first hydrogen bomb. 
1960 - The balloon satellite Echo One was launched by the U.S. 
 from Cape Canaveral, FL. It was the first communications 
 satellite. 
1962 - The Soviet Union launched Pavel Popovich into orbit. 
 Popovich and Andrian Nikolayev, who was launched a day 
 before, both landed on August 15. 
1977 - The space shuttle Enterprise passed its first solo 
 flight test. 
1981 - IBM unveiled its first PC. 
1985 - A Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 crashed into a mountain 
 killing 520 people. 
1986 - It was announced by NASA that they had selected a 
 new rocket design for the space shuttle. The move was made 
 in an effort at correcting the flaws that were believed to 
 have been responsible for the Challenger disaster. 
1992 - The U.S., Canada, and Mexico announced that the 
 North American Free Trade Agreement had been created after 
 14 months of negotiations. 
1993 - U.S. President Clinton lifted the ban on rehiring air 
 traffic controllers that had been fired for going on strike 
 in 1981. 
1994 - Major league baseball players went on strike rather 
 than allow team owners to limit their salaries. The strike 
 lasted for 232 days. As a result, the World Series was wiped 
 out for the first time in 90 years. 
1998 - Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion as restitution 
 to World War II Holocaust victims. 
1999 - Hang Thu Thi Ngyuen shot an arrow from a bow with her 
 feet on "Guinness World Records: Primetime" and hit a target 
 that was 16 feet and 5 inches away. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, August 11.


Those models sure get around!
Marseilles
Iraq
Lybia
Iran
Where else have you seen them?

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
NC man arrested after beating cops 
in a donut eating contest.
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000 
 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon 
 Valdez oil spill. 




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Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
--- John Russell

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you 
long on money and short on mistakes.
--- Aaron McGruder


>From Dianne:

What are some cultural differences between 
Canadians and Americans?          
     
How do you get 100 New Yorkers out of the pool?
Answer: Say “Every one STAY in the pool!

How do you get 100 Californians out of the pool?
Answer: Say “This pool has been CHEMICALLY TREATED 
 for your protection!

How do you get 100 Republicans out of the pool?
Answer: Say “Being in this pool shows your support for the Obama.

How do you get 100 Democrats out of the pool?
Answer: Say “This pool will be FUNDED COMPLETELY by the 
 people in the pool!’

The difference between Canadians and Americans?
HOW DO YOU GET 100 CANADIANS OUT OF THE POOL?
ANSWER: SAY “Please get out of the pool.”


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
Boost Computer Speed
Delete Junk Files & Clean Up Windows®
Wipe Private Data & Internet Logs

When I attended a convention once of
oil men, the first speaker was from Texas.
He rambled on about stuff for a good half
hour and then introduced the next gent,
who happened to be from Oklahoma.  The
Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying
province of Texas."

The second speaker said, "Thank you,
Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight,
there ain't NO state that can out-lie Texas."


Thanks to Janina for this picture:


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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City, NC 

Burglar Caught After Beating Cops 
In Doughnut-Eating Contest

The sweet victory for a North Carolina man who beat police 
officers in a doughnut-eating contest this week soured 
after a newspaper story about the win led to his arrest 
on breaking and entering charges.

Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City downed eight 
doughnuts in two minutes during a contest Tuesday night 
at an anti-crime event hosted by the city's police 
department, according to a story in the Daily Advance.

That report caught the eye of Camden County Sheriff's 
Lieutenant Max Robeson, who said his detectives had 
been trying to interview Hardison for about nine months 
after suspecting him in break-ins at two local businesses.

Robeson said they brought Hardison in for questioning 
on Wednesday.
"I said, 'Congratulations on your win last night,'" 
Robeson recalled, before arresting the man on criminal 
charges of breaking and entering and injury to real 
property.

Hardison remained in jail on Friday, the sheriff's 
lieutenant said.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Maureen
Re: Painful laptop keyboard

Dear Webby,
Since I switched to a laptop, my hands cramp and hurt.
Is that due to trhe heat from the laptop coming up 
between the keys, or me getting old, or what?
What do you recommend?
Maureen

Dear Maureen
Dig out one of your old keyboards and plug that into a
USB port of the laptop. If you got rid of them already, 
just buy a regular keyboard. The cramps and pain will 
be gone in a few days.

That will also eliminate the hassle of not having a 
numeric keypad.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Red Wine To Attract Fruit Flies
I tried the fruit in a pretty vase and the red-wine vinegar 
traps that you so graciously shared. Thank you. Although 
they attracted a few, the hands-down winner was using 
actual red wine. 

I used a small container (dipping-sauce bowl, or espresso 
cup), and poured in some wine (enough that they can drown). 
I then put the plastic wrap over the top, poked a few holes, 
and put it where they were flying about. By the next morning, 
there were a good 30+ in these containers (whereas the fruit 
and red wine vinegar traps had 5 or so).

It took a good three days of new traps, but over 95% 
were gone.

Thanks for the tips. Hope this feedback is helpful.

By Oscar from Canada 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck
and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After awhile they meet
again and one asks the other, "What did you
find in your sack?"

"Half a million bucks."

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all
that cash?"

"I bought a house and a boat. How about
your sack?"

"Bah... mine was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."


Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered
by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across an old country
doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against
the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible
headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove
your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he
had anything to live for.  He couldn't even concentrate long
enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live
a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I
need ... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit", and picked one out.

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...
size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the suit and
it fit him perfectly.

As Joe admired himself, the salesman said,
"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a
16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
said, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said,
"Let's see 9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman said,
"How about some new underwear?

"Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34.
A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your
spine and give you a hell of a headache."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1860 The first successful silver mill in America began 
 operations. The mill was in Virginia City, NV. 
1874 A patent for the sprinkler head was given to 
 Harry S. Parmelee. 
1877 The two moons of Mars were discovered by Asaph Hall, 
 an American astronomer. He named them Phobos and Deimos. 
1896 Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light 
 bulb socket with a pull-chain. 
1909 The American ship Arapahoe became the first to ever 
 use the SOS distress signal off the coast of Cape Hatteras, NC. 
1934 Alcatraz, in San Francisco Bay, received federal 
 prisoners for the first time. 
1945 The Allies informed Japan that they would determine 
 Emperor Hirohito's future status after Japan's surrender. 
1954 Seven years of fighting came to an end in Indochina. 
 A formal peace was in place for the French and the 
 Communist Vietminh. 
1962 Andrian Nikolayev, of the Soviet Union, was launched 
 on a 94-hour flight. He was the third Russian to go into space. 
1965 The U.S. conducted a second launch of "Surveyor-SD 2" 
 for a landing on the Moon surface test. 
1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan was preparing for his 
 weekly radio broadcast when, during testing of the microphone, 
 the President said of the Soviet Union, "My fellow Americans, 
 I am pleased to tell you that I just signed legislation that 
 would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." 
1990 Egyptian and Moroccan troops joined U.S. forces in 
 Saudi Arabia to help protect from a possible Iraqi attack. 
1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000 
 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon 
 Valdez oil spill. 
1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton. 
 He didn't want the US to be stronger than Mexico.
1997 U.S. President Clinton made the first use of the line-item 
 veto approved by Congress, rejecting three items in spending 
 and tax bills. 
1998 British Petroleum became No. 3 among oil companies with 
 the $49 billion purchase of Amoco. It was the largest foreign 
 takeover of a U.S. company. 
2002 US Airways announced that it had filed for bankruptcy. 
2003 Charles Taylor, President of Liberia, flew into exile after 
 ceding power to his vice president, Moses Blah. 
2003 In Kabul, NATO took command of the 5,000-strong peacekeeping 
 force in Afghanistan.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, August 10.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Church Leader Jerald Hill Arrested 
for Attempted Dog Sex
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1885 The first electric streetcar, to be used commercially, 
 was operated in Baltimore, MD, by Leo Daft. 




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Always and never are two words you should always 
remember never to use.
--- Wendell Johnson

The trouble with being punctual is that 
nobody's there to appreciate it.
--- Franklin P. Jones


The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining
campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle
and began feverishly unloading gear and setting
up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood,
while the girls and their mother set up the camp
stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters'
father, "That, sir, is some great display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes
to the bathroom until the camp is set up."


Fix, Clean & Speed Up your PC!
Boost Computer Speed
Delete Junk Files & Clean Up Windows®
Wipe Private Data & Internet Logs

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
by the beer, Wine, and liquor section. One asked the other
if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice
to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without
a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said,
"This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag
with the beer saying,
"Here, don't forget the curlers."


Thanks to Nanarina for sending this picture:


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Parking in the shade guaranteed!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Jerald Hill, 56, Roach, Missouri

Church Leader Jerald Hill Arrested 
for Attempted Dog Sex

A church leader in Roach, Missouri, is out of a job after 
being arrested for allegedly trying to arrange a sexual 
encounter with a dog. Jerald Hill, 56, was arrested Tuesday 
on suspicion of attempted unlawful sex with an animal and 
attempted animal abuse.

Authorities began investigating Hill after the Boone County 
Sheriff’s Department Cyber Crimes Task Force got a tip 
about a Craigslist post by a man looking for two types of 
animals for sex.

One of the chosen animals was a dog, but investigators 
declined to mention the other type of animal, the Columbia 
Tribune reports.

An undercover detective contacted Hill by email and offered 
a dog for sex. The two then arranged a meeting in Columbia. 
When Hill arrived, he was arrested without incident, 
according to CBS St. Louis.

Hill was released after paying $1,000 bail.

The allegations have had a negative effect on Hill's job 
as the CEO of the Windermere Baptist Conference Center.
A day after Hill's arrest, church leaders released a 
statement saying that the organization is "concerned for 
the well-being of Jerry," but will meet next week to 
start "the process of looking for a new president and CEO,” 
according to APBnews.com.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Daniel
Re: Can I use a headset as a microphone?

Dear Webby,
I have external speakers plugged into the green socket on
my computer. The sound works well. Can I plug just the pink
plug from my headset into the pink socket on the computer
and ignore the green plug? How close do I have to get to
the microphone?
Daniel

Dear Daniel
That works well. Most headset microphones are sensitive
enough, so that you can hang the headset up nearby and 
it will work fine. Pull off that foam cover from the
microphone, and it's range will be greatly extended.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cooking with Frozen Tomatoes
I use my frozen tomatoes in soups and stews. But the big 
thing I do is save them until I have enough to can them 
and I make my own spaghetti sauce. I thaw them and make 
my sauce and then I have lots on hand. If I have extra 
I make some chili sauce also. You can use frozen tomatoes 
in canning just like fresh ones and once thawed the 
skins slip off nice and easy!

By Artena from Tahsis, BC 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


The nursery school teacher decided to tell her class 
about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the
things we should be happy is that, in this country,
we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the
back of the room.  He stood with his hands on
his hips and said:
"I'm not free. I'm four."


SHOPPING MATH
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his
          wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1792 King Louis XVI was taken into custody by mobs during 
 the French Revolution. He was executed the following 
 January after being put on trial for treason. 
1869 The motion picture projector was patented by O.B. Brown. 
1881 Thomas Edison's exhibit opened the Paris Electrical 
 Exhibition. 
1885 The first electric streetcar, to be used commercially, 
 was operated in Baltimore, MD, by Leo Daft. 
1914 Austria-Hungary invaded Russia. 
1927 Mount Rushmore was formally dedicated. The individual 
 faces of the presidents were dedicated later. 
1944 U.S. forces defeated the remaining Japanese 
 resistance on Guam. 
1945 The day after the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan 
 announced they would surrender. The only condition was 
 that the status of Emperor Hirohito would remain unchanged. 
1947 William Odom completed an around-the-world flight. 
 He set the solo record by completing the flight in 73 hours 
 and 5 minutes. 
1948 On ABC, "Candid Camera" made its TV debut. The original 
 title was "Candid Microphone." 
1954 Construction began on the St. Lawrence Seaway. 
1988 U.S. President Reagan signed a measure that provided 
 $20,000 payments to Japanese-Americans who were interned 
 by the U.S. government during World War II. 
1994 U.S. President Clinton claimed presidential immunity 
 when he asked a federal judge to dismiss, at least for 
 the time being, a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by 
 Paula Corbin Jones. 
1999 Near an India-Pakistan border area an Indian fighter 
 jet shot down a Pakistani naval aircraft. Sixteen people 
 were killed. 
2003 Ekaterina Dmitriev and Russian cosmonaut Yuri 
 Malenchenko were married. Malenchenko was about 240 miles 
 above the earth in the international space station. It 
 was the first-ever marriage from space. 
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, August 9.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oklahoma teacher, who turned up 
drunk and without pants
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1945 The U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki. 
 The bombing came three days after the bombing of Hiroshima. 
 About 74,000 people were killed. Japan surrendered August 14.




If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





That is the greatest fallacy, the wisdom of old men. 
They do not grow wise. They grow careful.
--- Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)



Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family! 
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)

A couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 40 years of
marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because
you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would
like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the
world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the
tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment,
then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years
younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF!
He was 90.


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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass
door.  Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor  besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed
to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would
you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him and bashing their teeth out on the counter."


Thanks to Nnanarina for sending this picture:


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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Lorie Ann Hill, 49, in Wagoner, Oklahoma

Oklahoma teacher, who turned up 
drunk and without pants

Don't worry about forgetting your homework; 
this teacher forgot her pants, witnesses said.
Oklahoma schoolteacher Lorie Ann Hill, 49, was allegedly 
spotted drunk and without pants on her first day of work 
at Wagoner High School Monday, Fox 23 reported.

“She was found in a room kind of disoriented,” Police Chief 
Bob Haley told Tulsa World. “By the time we got there she 
was in a room and wearing shorts.”

Hill was hired by the school this year for a special education 
position, according to the Muskogee Phoenix.
She allegedly admitted to drinking vodka before coming to work, 
and was charged with public intoxication.

Classes do not start in Wagoner until Thursday.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Bree
Re: Could a spreadsheet be stretched over two monitors?

Dear Webby,
My Excel spreadsheet is getting too wide for one monitor. 
Would it work if it is spread over two monitors?
I have a real monitor on my desktop, not a laptop.
Bree

Dear Bree
Yes, that works fine, as long as both monitors are the 
same size. If they are different sizes, the spreadsheet 
rows don't line up and will drive you nuts.

Until you get a second monitor, try holding down CTRL and
scrolling the mouse wheel to reduce the zoom.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Solar Lights For Indoor Lighting
I would like to submit the following tip to your 
newsletters. Maybe it will help some folks!
There was a recent tip in the Dollar Stretcher newsletter 
about using a solar yard lamp during a thunderstorm. I can 
take that one step further.

When I lived with two roommates, we had little extra 
spending money. We were always looking for ways to save a 
buck or two. Electricity was one area where we thought we 
had done enough, but we were wrong!
During a trip to a local hardware store to pick up some 
nails, we noticed that there were two types of solar yard 
lamps available - fixed (on a spike or stake), or hanging 
(from a hook, sometimes connected to a stake). We saw that 
it was only $20 for a three-pack of solar lamps (I've since 
seen four packs for the same price, on sale). We bought two 
packs of them and six of those pretty plant hangers that 
people sometimes use for their hanging plants (the ones 
that look like pretty shelf brackets, but with hooks).

When we got home, we mounted the plant hangers over or next 
to four windows in our house and put the solar lamps on them. 
Then, we hung the other two on the house, next to the front 
and back doors. In the late afternoon or early evening, we 
would open up the blinds to allow the sunlight to "charge" 
the indoor lights. The outdoor lights took care of themselves. 
At night, we had free household lighting that would last 
until sunrise if we'd charged them long enough! We kept a 
piece of nice material in rooms that we needed to sleep in, 
in order to cover the lights when it was time to go to sleep.

The day after we started doing this, we had a neighbor call 
us to let us know that we'd left both our porch lights on 
overnight. We asked if it had disturbed her.

"No," she said, "I was just worried about your electric bill. 
Actually, I felt safer when I came home from work and they 
were on, because I could see to put my key into the lock!" 

"Well," said my roommate, "You'll feel safer every night then, 
because we're leaving them on from now on. In fact, we can't 
turn them off! They're solar lamps and the power is free!"

I hope that this tip is useful to all of you and to your 
readers.

Thanks,
Miss Elisha 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Here is a delightful old classic:

 Many many years ago
 when I was twenty three,
 I got married to a widow
 who was pretty as could be.
 This widow had a grown-up daughter
 who had hair of red.
 My father fell in love with her,
 and soon the two were wed.
 This made my dad my son-in-law
 And changed my very life.
 My daughter was my mother,
 For she was my father's wife.
 To complicate the matters worse,
 Although it brought me joy,
 I soon became the father
 Of a bouncing baby boy.
 My little baby then became
 A brother-in-law to dad.
 And so became my uncle,
 Though it made me very sad.
 For if he was my uncle,
 Then that also made him brother
 To the widow's grown-up daughter
 Who, of course, was my step-mother.
 Father's wife then had a son,
 Who kept them on the run.
 And he became my grandson,
 For he was my daughter's son.
 My wife is now my mother's mother
 And it makes me blue.
 Because, although she is my wife,
 She is my grandma too.
 If my wife is my grandmother,
 Then I am her grandchild.
 And every time I think of it,
 It simply drives me wild.
 For now I have become
 The strangest case you ever saw.
 As the husband of my grandmother,
 I am my own grandpa.


Another classic:
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care
where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air
Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came into the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up
all night watching me."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1678 American Indians sold the Bronx to Jonas Bronck for 
 400 beads. 
1790 The Columbia returned to Boston Harbor after a three 
 year voyage. It was the first ship to carry the American 
 flag around the world. 
1831 The first American steam locomotive began its first 
 trip between Schenectady and Albany, NY. 
1854 "Walden" was published by Henry David Thoreau. 
1859 The escalator was patented by Nathan Ames. 
1892 Thomas Edison received a patent for a two-way telegraph. 
1910 A.J. Fisher received a patent for the electric 
 washing machine. 
1930 Betty Boop had her beginning in "Dizzy Dishes" created 
 by Max Fleischer. 
1936 Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin 
 Olympics. He was the first American to win four medals 
 in one Olympics. 
1942 Mohandas K. Gandhi was arrested Britain. He was not 
 released until 1944. 
1944 The Forest Service and Wartime Advertising Council 
 created "Smokey the Bear." 
1945 The U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki. 
 The bombing came three days after the bombing of Hiroshima. 
 About 74,000 people were killed. Japan surrendered August 14. 
1945 The first network television broadcast occurred in 
 Washington, DC. The program announced the bombing of 
 Nagasaki, Japan. 
1965 Singapore proclaimed its independence from the Malaysian 
 Federation. 
1973 The U.S. Senate committee investigating the Watergate 
 affair filed suit against President Richard Nixon. 
1974 U.S. President Richard Nixon formally resigned. 
 Gerald R. Ford took his place, and became the 38th president 
 of the U.S. 
1975 The New Orleans Superdome as officially opened when the 
 Saints played the Houston Oilers in exhibition football. 
 The new Superdome cost $163 million to build. 
1988 Wayne Gretzky (Edmonton Oilers) was traded. The trade 
 was at Gretzky's request. He was sent to the Los Angeles Kings. 
1996 Boris Yeltsin was sworn in as president of Russia for 
 the second time. 
1999 Russian President Boris Yeltsin fired Prime Minister 
 Sergei Stepashin and his entire cabinet for the fourth 
 time in 17 months. 
2001 U.S. President George W. Bush announced he would 
 support federal funding for limited medical research 
 on embryonic stem cells. 
2004 Trump Hotel and Casion Resorts announced plans to 
 file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, August 8.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oregon Dope, who falls into the river
while masturbating, and needs to be rescued.
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1945 During World War II, the Soviet Union 
declared war on Japan. After Hiroshima.




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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.
--- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)



Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family! 
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)

>From Ann
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.   
So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other   
woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball   
in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband."   
Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."   

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And   
that's my husband - the fat one."  


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The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the   
license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill."   
Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is   
Winston Churchill."   

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."   

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter   
said, "That's a pretty famous name."   

The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've   
been driving a cab here for over forty years."   


Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:


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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Ernest Kirk, 31, Oregon City

Oregon dope falls into the river 
while masturbating

Ernest Michael Kirk was charged with public indecency and harassment.
OREGON CITY POLICE DEPT.
Ernest Michael Kirk was charged with public indecency and harassment.
A naked and drunk Oregon man fell into a river while 
masturbating in a park in broad daylight, authorities said.

Ernest Michael Kirk, 31, needed to be rescued after falling 
into the Willamette River while gratifying himself in 
Clackamette Park in Oregon City, according to the 
Portland Tribune.

Cops received a phone call shortly after 2 p.m. Saturday 
and when they arrived at the scene they caught Kirk in the
act, so to speak, the newspaper reported.
Kirk, who was on a cliff bank just a few feet from the water, 
reportedly continued to masturbate with authorities at the 
scene. Apparently drunk and disoriented, he soon fell in the 
water and needed to be rescued.

After a stay in the hospital, Kirk was charged with public 
indecency and harassment, and was hit with a parole violation. 
Cops say they believe he may have been using drugs, 
according to the Oregonian.

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Dianne
Re: How do I stop Outlook Express from duplicating mails?

Dear Webby,
All of my mails get duplicated. What's up with that?
How do I stop that nonsense?
Dianne

Dear Dianne
Do a Search for Pop3uidl.dbx
and delete it. After that you will get a whole bunch
of mail the nect time you check it, but after that is 
should be OK.

You might also consider upgrading to a more modern 
email program like Thunderbird or Windows Live Mail.

Outlook Express is too easy for hackers to infect,
as you have noticed.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Don't Try to Burn Poison Oak
I know what NOT to do. Don't try to burn it. I had a 
friend try this and she got very sick from inhaling the 
fumes. I suggest wearing disposable gloves so the oil 
isn't transferred to anything else.

Good luck!
By Susan E. from Peoria, IL 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grand-mother's meatloaf for dinner
tonight and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly,
and I know I have the recipe right, because it's the one
you gave me. But, it just didn't come out right and I'm so
upset. I wanted this to be so special for George, because
he loves meatloaf. What could have gone wrong"?

Her mother replied soothing-ly, "Well, dear, let's go through
the recipe. You read it out loud, and tell me exactly what
you did at each step and to-gether we'll figure it out."

"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out,
'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.'


One day a man called the church office. He said,
"Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said,
"I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the
trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may
refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you
not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving
$100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded
"Hang on, I think the big fat pig just waddled in!"




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1356 Edward "the Black Prince" began a raid north from Aquitaine. 
1588 The Spanish Armada was defeated by the English fleet 
 ending an invasion attempt. 
1815 Napoleon Bonaparte set sail for St. Helena, in the 
 South Atlantic. The remainder of his life was spent there 
 in exile. 
1844 After the killing of Joseph Smith, Bringham Young was 
 chosen to lead the Mormons. 
1876 Thomas Edison received a patent for the mimeograph. 
 The mimeograph was a "method of preparing autographic 
 stencils for printing." 
1899 The refrigerator was patented by A.T. Marshall. 
1940 The German Luftwaffe began a series of daylight air 
 raids on Great Britain. 
1945 During World War II, the Soviet Union declared war 
 on Japan. After Hiroshima.
1953 The U.S. and South Korea initiated a mutual security pact. 
1956 Japan launched an oil tanker that was 780 feet long and 
 weighed 84,730 tons. It was the largest oil tanker in the 
 world. 
1966 Michael DeBakey became the first surgeon to install an 
 artificial heart pump in a patient. 
1974 U.S. President Nixon announced that he would resign 
 the following day. 
1978 The U.S. launched Pioneer Venus II, which carried 
 scientific probes to study the atmosphere of Venus. 
1988 It was announced that a cease-fire between Iraq 
 and Iran had begun. 
1990 American forces began positioning in Saudia Arabia. 
1994 The first road link between Israel and Jordan opened. 
1994 Representatives from China and Taiwan signed a 
 cooperation agreement. 
2000 The submarine H.L. Hunley was raised from ocean bottom 
 after 136 years. The sub had been lost during an attack on 
 the U.S.S. Housatonic in 1864. The Hunley was the first 
 submarine in history to sink a warship.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, August 7

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to 
Iowa man jailed for "accidentally" exposing 
himself through window beside parking lot
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1960 The Cuban Catholic Church condemned the rise of 
 communism in Cuba. Fidel Castro then banned all religious 
 TV and radio broadcasts. 




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I'm a great believer in luck, 
and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
--- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the
way parents obey their children.
--- King Edward VIII

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary
from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder
a black eye.
--- Miss Piggy



Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family! 
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed a wrinkled
up old lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman
stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,

"Go get your Mother."


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Wacky laws:
Louisiana:
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the
bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple
assault," while biting someone with your false
teeth is "aggravated assault."

New Mexico:
Females are strictly forbidden to appear
unshaven in public.

Oklahoma:
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for
making ugly faces at a dog.

Pennsylvania:
No man may purchase alcohol without written
consent from his wife.

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives
from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

Washington:
All lollipops and guns are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for
a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the
city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
is entering the town.


Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:


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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Dustin Hills, 35, Iowa City, Iowa

Iowa man jailed for "accidentally" exposing 
himself through window beside parking lot

In an apparent attempt to explain why a woman twice 
spotted him pleasuring himself in his apartment window, 
an Iowa man told cops that the indecent exposure was an 
accident, adding that he was “on an adult website at 
the time of the second incident.”

Despite that explanation, Dustin Hills, 35, was arrested 
last night and booked into the Johnson County jail, 
where he remains locked up on a serious misdemeanor charge.

A female victim told cops that, on two separate occasions 
last month, she was “outside in a parking lot” when she 
“noticed a man displaying his penis and pleasuring himself 
while standing in a nearby apartment window.” The man hid 
when she yelled at him, the woman reported.

When questioned by investigators, Hills, seen in the mug shot, 
“admitted to accidentally displaying his erect penis to 
others outside” his Iowa City home, according to a criminal 
complaint. Hills added that he was “on an adult website” 
when the woman spotted him the second time. 

The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Noella
Re: Did Chrome slow down?

Dear Webby,
It could be her ISP too. Remember I wrote about mine a few 
weeks ago. I'd done everything I could think of. Finally 
I called my ISP. I'd been paying for 12 mbps since 
November 2011, but when Repair checked, they found I was 
only getting 3 mpbs. They had to manually hook me up to 
a line that would handle the faster speed, plus I got a 
fairly nice refund.
 
Noella

Dear Noella
Right!
You can test your speed at http://www.speedtest.net

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Ground Coffee
After trying various methods for storing the large canister 
of coffee (more thrifty), I settled on freezing it. I noticed 
the aroma from the un-brewed coffee deteriorated with all the 
other methods. This way, one doesn't get that sharp smell 
when opening the container. No need to thaw; just measure, 
brew, and enjoy!

By Cay from Green Cove Springs, FL 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being
heckled by fans.

But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an
exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long
search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located
a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires
Only."

As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign
more closely. Below the printed legend was the same
message... written in Braille.


>From Ellen
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers   
at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary,   
Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers,   
but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary.   
You're Number 2."




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1782 George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart.
1888 Theophilus Van Kannel received a patent for the 
 revolving door. 
1914 Germany invaded France. 
1934 The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a lower court ruling 
 striking down the government's attempt to ban the 
 controversial James Joyce novel "Ulysses." 
1942 U.S. forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start 
 of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during 
 World War II. 
1947 The balsa wood raft Kon-Tiki, which had carried a 
 six-man crew 4,300 miles across the Pacific Ocean, crashed 
 into a reef in a Polynesian archipelago. 
1959 The U.S. launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture 
 of the Earth. 
1960 The Cuban Catholic Church condemned the rise of 
 communism in Cuba. Fidel Castro then banned all religious 
 TV and radio broadcasts. 
1964 The U.S. Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, 
 which gave President Johnson broad powers in dealing with 
 reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces. 
1974 French stuntman Philippe Petit walked a tightrope strung 
between the twin towers of New York's World Trade Center. 
1976 Scientists in Pasadena, CA, announced that the Viking 1
 spacecraft had found strong indications of possible life 
 on Mars. 
1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and 
 warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible 
 invasion by Iraq. 
2003 In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 
would run for the office of governor. 
2003 Stephen Geppi bought a 1963 G.I. Joe prototype for $200,000.
2014  smiled.

Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, August 6

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to 
A Florida mom who got drunk in the bar 
while her kid was alone in the car
Details at Boneheads

From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in 
1945 The American B-29 bomber, known as the Enola Gay, 
 dropped the first atomic bomb on an inhabited area. The 
 bomb named "Little Boy" was dropped over the center of 
 Hiroshima, Japan. An estimated 140,000 people were killed. 
 (8:16am Japanese time) 




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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Politics is not the art of the possible. 
It consists in choosing between the disastrous 
and the unpalatable.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006) 

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the
right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing.
--- Theodore Roosevelt



Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family! 
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A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist
season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed
on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said,
"You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter.
"I can only serve one table at a time."


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The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-
viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this
career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my
father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the
dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."


Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:


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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Krastina Yankova Gesheva, 36, ST. PETERSBUR, Floriduh

A Florida mom who got drunk in the bar 
while her kid was alone in the car

Police in Florida say a woman faces DUI and child neglect 
charges after her son was left alone in her Mercedes while 
she drank at a nearby bar in St. Petersburg.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the 8-year-old boy went into 
Tryst Lounge several times, apparently looking for his mother.
St. Petersburg police say when 36-year-old Krastina Yankova 
Gesheva finally left the bar around 3 a.m. Monday, 
she backed into two cars. She was visibly impaired when 
officers arrived. Her blood alcohol level was 0.177, more 
than twice the legal limit to drive in Florida.

The boy, who was sitting in the car, was released to a 
guardian.

Gesheva was released from jail later Monday after posting 
$10,500 bail.


The link to  Mail Washer is here! 
Tech Support Pits
From: Darla
Re: Did Chrome slow down?

Dear Webby,
Since you mentioned Chrome today, I have been having problems 
with unresponsive pages.  When I first started using Chrome 
about 3 months ago, it seemed a lot faster.  Now, I'm having 
problems with pages loading.   Is this a common problem ?
Thanks,
Darla

Dear Darla
That seems to be more a problem with your computer.
Try running CrapCleaner from my ToolBox.
It is free.

You could also run Defragler.  Basic version of that is 
free too.

It is also possible that your computer is hot and 
slowing down the CPU. However, since page loading is 
more a modem and hard drive issue, and not a CPU issue, 
I would check the other things first.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Towel To Speed Dryer Time
When putting clothes into the dryer, add one large clean 
dry towel. This will absorb the wetness and your whole 
load will dry twenty minutes sooner. I do this with each 
load, except with dark clothes. You don't want the lint 
getting on dark clothing.

Saves time and energy efficient!

Source: I may have read this somewhere in a magazine.

By Jackie H. [1] 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog



Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Two highway patrolmen stopped a guy for speeding on the
state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing
up the ticket, one cop turned to the other and said,
"How do you spell Waxahachie?"

The other one replied, "I don't know."

So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do?
If we spell it wrong, the ticket will get dismissed."

The second cop said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop
him again when he gets to Waco?"


A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
 days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with
 a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

 At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said,
 "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc:
'Get a hot mamma  and be cheerful.'"

 The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
 murmur. Be careful."

"Too late!", he replied, "We are getting married next month!"




» Puppy Power




Today in 
1787 At the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia debate 
 began on the first draft of the U.S. Constitution. 
1806 The Holy Roman Empire went out of existence as Emperor 
 Francis II abdicated. 
1825 Bolivia declared independence from Peru. 
1879 The first Australian rules football game to be played 
 at night took place at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The 
 game was to promote the introduction of electricity to 
 the city of Melbourne. 
1914 Austria-Hungary declared war against Russia. Serbia 
 declared war against Germany. 
1926 Warner Brothers premiered its Vitaphone system in 
 New York. The movie was "Don Juan," starring John Barrymore. 
1945 The American B-29 bomber, known as the Enola Gay, 
 dropped the first atomic bomb on an inhabited area. The 
 bomb named "Little Boy" was dropped over the center of 
 Hiroshima, Japan. An estimated 140,000 people were killed. 
 (8:16am Japanese time) 
1960 Nationalization of U.S. and foreign-owned property 
 in Cuba began. 
1962 Jamaica became an independent dominion within the 
 British Commonwealth. 
1981 Fire fighters in Indianapolis, IN, answered a false 
 alarm. When they returned to their station it was ablaze 
 due to a grease fire. 
1990 The U.N. Security Council ordered a worldwide trade 
 embargo with Iraq. The embargo was to punish Iraq for 
 invading Kuwait. 
1995 Thousands of glowing lanterns were set afloat in rivers 
 in Hiroshima, Japan, on the 50th anniversary of the first 
 atomic bombing. 
1996 NASA announced the discovery of evidence of primitive 
 life on Mars. The evidence came in the form of a meteorite 
 that was found in Antarctica. The meteorite was believed 
 to have come from Mars and contained a fossil. 
1997 Apple Computer and Microsoft agreed to share technology 
 in a deal giving Microsoft a stake in Apple's survival. 
1998 Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky spent 8 1/2 
 hours testifying before a grand jury about her relationship 
 with U.S. President Clinton. 
2014  smiled.