Dear Webby, how do I get rid of Pagoo? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 9, 2008

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. --- Robert Orben Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. --- H. L. Mencken
Thanks to Dave for this: thankyou for your response. here's a true story if you want to use it. My wife and i were walking around walmart one day and decided to pick up a bottle of wine. as we perused the selection, being very knowledgeable about wine, i asked her, "what color you want?" She elbowed me in the ribs and said "shsh, you sound like a redneck." I responded with, "we are looking at wine in Walmart, what do you think we are?"
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The brillant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head.
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Thanks to Patti for this picture: We are ready!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Trenity Sue Baker, 18 in Tulsa, Oklahoma Man chased down his stolen pickup TULSA, Okla. (UPI) -- Police in Tulsa, Okla., say a man who saw his pickup truck being stolen ran after it, jumped aboard, kicked out the rear window and chased off the thief. Investigators said Alonzo Johnson had left his truck running outside of a QuikTrip convenience store Monday night when he saw a woman get into the pickup and start driving away, the Tulsa World reported Wednesday. Johnson ran out of the store, jumped into the bed of the moving truck and kicked out the rear window of the cab, police said. The police report said the woman exited the truck while Johnson was climbing into the cab and sped off in a car with her boyfriend. Johnson chased the couple in his truck until police caught up with them and arrested Trenity Sue Baker, 18. Baker, who also allegedly hit a car in the QuikTrip parking lot with Johnson's truck, was taken to the Tulsa jail on charges of auto theft and leaving the scene of an accident with property damage.
When my brother Donnie got home from a five-month deployment of his submarine, he told us one of the ways the sailors kept up their morale was by making wooden cars out of kits and then running derby races. "What do you do for a ramp?" I asked. "Don't need one. We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt the sub."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Problem canceling Pagoo Dear Webby, I look forward to your newsletter every day, especially Tech Support Pits and the daily photo. I recently switched from dial-up to dsl (yay!!) and don't need my Pagoo service anymore. The problem is, I've sent them 3 separate emails to cancel the service and they are not responding. I can't find a phone number anywhere on their website. I don't know what to do, so of course, I'm turning to you. Thanks! Donna J. Dear Donna For Pagoo, try 1 888 849 4222 If that does not work, contact your credit card company and tell them that you had written Pagoo 3 times to cancel, but that the dumb crooks are still charging you, and that you demand that 1) the charges be reversed. 2) further fraudulent charges be blocked. Have FUN! DearWebby

When Annie was about 14 years-old I caught her swiping her younger sister, Ellie's grapes. "Are you eating your younger sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No, dad. I'm helping her share."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Turkey Leftovers November and December is the best time to buy turkeys for a low price. Here are some ways to make use of your leftovers: sandwiches, pot pies, soup, casseroles, tacos or enchiladas. Most recipes that use pieces of cooked chicken, you can use turkey pieces instead. Visit ThriftyFun For More Grocery Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Mt Rainier Clouds
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, please recommend a good camera 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 8, 2008

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others. --- Cyril Connolly,
Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing. When the three are out on the water, one Rabbi says, "Oops, I left the cooler in the trunk, I'd better go get it or we won't be able to eat or drink." The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across the water. A few minutes later, he comes hopping back across the lake with the cooler. The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He thinks to himself "Theres only one person I know who can do that and I doubt he's a Rabbi." A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, "Oh no, I left my lucky fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches a fish unless I have that hat on." He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across the water to the shore. A minute later he comes hopping across the lake back into the boat. Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, "Hmm, there must be something in the water. I'm going to try this." The priest says, "Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn't want to lose those." He then steps out of the boat and falls in the water. He gets out again and once again goes *splash*. The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"
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To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.) 3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 7. To make the copy room more available for actual work, the company has installed cameras to discourage the practise of trapping Santa in there, and wants to dispel the myth that Santa can be bribed. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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Thanks to Joan for this picture: Dear Webby, I lucked into this shot last Monday Night. Very rare that the two planets are in such close proximity to the moon. I believe next sighting of this will be in 1043.......not in my lifetime! lol Joan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lorraine Henderson, 50, of Boston, MA Border official charged with harboring illegal immigrant updated 6:02 p.m. EST, Fri December 5, 2008 As the Boston area port director, Henderson was in charge of the inspection and admission of foreign nationals entering at international airports and ports in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island, including Logan International Airport and the Black Falcon cruise terminal. She was in charge of 220 people. The officer later hired the same Brazilian worker but then terminated her in December 2005 after grilling her about her residency and learning that she paid a “coyote” thousands of dollars to smuggle her from Mexico. The officer twice discussed the worker’s illegal status with Henderson, and when Henderson didn’t fire the housekeeper, reported her to Customs officials. Federal agents launched a probe in March and later learned that Henderson paid two other illegals to clean her home while her longtime worker had her anchor baby in 2007. She was forced to surrender her gun, badge and passport and is due back in court Dec. 22. Henderson was placed on PAID administrative leave from her $132,446-a-year job.
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bev Re: Need a camera recommendation Dear Webby, Can you reccommend a Canon camera for around $200.00 that has a rechargable battery. I don't take alot of pictures, but would like one that is reliable. There are so many models that I'm at a lost. Thank you, Bev Dear Bev You might not have to go that high in price. Check these in PriceGrabber for stores in your area. Canon PowerShot A590 IS Black Canon Powershot SD880 IS Canon PowerShot SD880 IS ELPH Silver Sure, they are not quite as good as a $5000 Canon Digital Rebel, but 5 years ago professionals would have killed for any of those three cameras, especially the Elph. It has an awesome wide angle, much wider than most professional grade cameras. What that means is that you can take a wider short range indoor shot than Ms Snooty can with her $5000 camera. She gets just the Christmas tree, you get the people around it too, AND the dog. If you shoot mostly indoors or group pictures where you can't back up very far, get the SD880 IS ELPH. The newer SD1000 an SD1100 don't have the wide angle. Go for the older and cheaper model! Check http://pricegrabber.com for a store in your area, so that you don't waste too much time and money in shipping Have FUN! DearWebby

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Yeast You can extend the life of yeast by storing it in the freezer. Active dry yeast can be stored in the freezer for up to a year. Freeze it in sealed plastic or glass container and be sure to mark it with the date of purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What are the three best known American parties? Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: My Heroes Have Always been Cowboys
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Keep old monitor? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 7, 2008

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. --- David Russell The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
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Last Xmas, Anni was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale's for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, Anni went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready." A few weeks later Anni was back in the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" Anni replied, "However, there's one thing that really "bugs me" and I don't quite understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
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Thanks to my dad for this picture from his breakfast nook: 12/06/2008
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael E. Schwab, 52, of Blooming Grove, Texas Religious Road Rage SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- Police in San Antonio said they arrested a man who claimed it was "Jesus's will" that he ram a woman's car because she was not "driving like a Christian." The Bexar County Sheriff's Office said in a news release that Michael Schwab, 52, told investigators he crashed his pickup truck into a woman's car at about 7:25 a.m. Friday on southbound U.S. 281 because "the other vehicle was not driving like a Christian and it was Jesus' will for him to punish the car," the San Antonio Express-News reported. "He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road," Sheriff's Lt. Kyle Coleman said. Sheriff's officials said Schwab told responders he was traveling faster than 100 mph when he hit the woman's car. Both vehicles sustained heavy damage as a result of the crash, but both drivers had only minor injuries. "God must have been with them, 'cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal," Coleman said. Schwab was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, motor vehicle. He was jailed in lieu of $50,000 bond.
"David, what is a cannibal?" "I don't know, ma'am." "Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?" "An orphan, ma'am."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: Keep old monitor? Dear Webby, Regarding today's question about wide screens. I am in the market for a new computer but wasn't quite sure about the wide monitors. Should I keep my old MV 720 COMPAQ Monitor, and would it work ok with new computer? Hubcap Dear Hubcap Most definitely keep the monitor! It will work just fine with the new computer. I am writing this with an ancient HP p1130, set to 1600 x 1200. The monitor is about 4-5 years old and the plastic frame is cracked, but the picture is clear as a slide. And no fuzzy gloss slobbered over the picture, like they do nowadays with LCD monitors, to make you think it had high resolution. Have FUN! DearWebby

Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pasta Ornaments That's right, you can make ornaments out of pasta! You can make an angel using one large wood bead, wheel pasta for the collar, bow-tie past for the wings, elbow macaroni or the arms, rigatoni for the body and acini di pepe for the hair. Glue them together and decorate with paint. Visit ThriftyFun For Instructions With Photos http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf19236029.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Offbeat Uses 4 Book
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Video card for wide monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 6, 2008

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. --- Doug Larson If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --- Dean Martin
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
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While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
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Dear Webby, I thought you might want to use this for your humor addition. We were in Panama City Beach this week and during the picture taking frenzy I didn't see the sign behind the Pelican until I downloaded it to my computer. Feel free to use the picture, if it suits your fancy. Sharon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua James Fagan, 27, Cape Coral, Florida Sent in by Sandie Fla. man accused of making boy drive on beer run CAPE CORAL, Fla. — Authorities in southwest Florida say an intoxicated man had his 9-year-old son take him on a beer run. Cape Coral police arrested the 27-year-old man last week, after seeing a pickup truck drive onto a median. When officers stopped the truck, the man told them he was teaching his son to drive. Officers say the father's speech was slurred, his breath smelled of alcohol and he was unable to stand without swaying. Police said an open case of Budweiser beer was in the backseat. The man was charged with cruelty toward a child and allowing an unlicensed minor to drive. He was released from jail on $2,000 bond.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nigle Re: Video card for wide monitor Hello Dear Webby: I need your help once again. I purchased a wide screen monitor and now find my video doesn’t support it. It is a 19.5”. How can I tell what type video card to get? Thanks for all the good work, Nigle Dear Nigle Since it is not standard, that would depend entirely on the brand and model of the monitor. Check the manufacturer's web site. Personally, I would return that monitor. You are NOT going to be happy with that monitor. To get the Wide screen experience, duck tape the bottom third of your monitor for a day. Unless you really like that, stay away from wide screen monitors. A standard aspect ratio monitor may be a bit harder to find than the yuppie monitors, which are more profitable for the merchants, but they are still available. With Dell and other suppliers, just go into Business class instead of Home user. They know business people are a lot less gullible, and often buy hundreds of items at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Socks Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here above the heart . . ." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oooh," said Judi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is 'philosophy'?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mosaic Mural Museum
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: No zoom for printing 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 5, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. --- Bill Barnes If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. --- Bill Vaughan
Thanks to Sandie for this one: CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES: I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kailua , a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
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A friend of mine was telling me about his never-ending divorce. "Didn't the judge split everything fairly when she granted you guys a divorce?", I asked "Well, she thinks so. She got to keep the house, the car, the furniture, and our bank accounts. I got to keep everything I was wearing."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Timothy Havens, 38, of Springfield, Ohio Sent in by Eric Incompetent hunter ? SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- A Tri-State woman is in critical condition Wednesday after police say her husband shot her while they were having sex. Timothy Havens, 38, told Springfield police he was reaching for something on the nightstand when the pistol went off, hitting his estranged wife Carolyn in the upper chest. Carolyn Havens, 42, is being treated at Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton. This is isn't the first time there's been trouble for the Havens. Court documents showed Timothy served 60 days in jail for assaulting his wife and was ordered to go to anger management classes. His arrest Tuesday for the weekend shooting was for violating a civil protection order that Carolyn had taken out against him earlier this year. Bond was set at $75,000 after prosecutors asked for a high bond, "due to alleged prohibited contact between the parties and the suspicious nature of the circumstances surrounding her injury."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Virginia Re: Zoom not working for print Dear Webby; When I changed to larger print on this letter and two others tonight, instead of getting the one I was printing the previous one presented itself. I don't know if I worded that correctly , I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. So in order to print it I had to return to the smaller print. What did I do wrong? Thanks for your help, Virginia. Dear Virginia CTRL-Scrollwheel only changes what the monitor shows, like a magnifying glass. It does not edit the page. The printer prints the page as you received it. If you want to print just part of it, for example a tech tip or a joke, highlight that, and hit CTRL P to Print, then checkmark "Selection Only" Have FUN! DearWebby

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Socks Here are some uses for unmatched socks. Make a sock puppet with some sewn on buttons for eyes. Put a sock on your hand and use it as a dust rag. Slip a sock over a yard stick and secure it with a rubber band and to clean under your fridge. Save them for the winter when you need to wear two pairs. Visit ThriftyFun for more Brainstorms by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Brainstorms_37.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was showing a house for sale to a prospective couple, "This house," I said, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you that I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant about a block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the suspicious couple. "Well ... errrr ... ahhh ... the great advantage that you will have living here is that you'll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Science Video Vault
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Dear Webby: Bonus Link Site not working 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 4, 2008

The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless. --- Paul Johnson The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. --- Samuel Johnson
Several weeks after his birthday, I stopped by my sister's house and my 7 year old nephew greeted me with, "Thanks for the Sea Scout Signal Whistle you gave me for my birthday! It's the best birthday present I ever got." "That's great, Did you learn how to pipe any signals on it ?" "Oh, I don't play with it," the little guy said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to blow it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to blow it at night."
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Anni got a part time job in a local restaurant to pick up a little spare change for Xmas. Anni said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them but a co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. A nervous Anni served all the lunches successfully last Saturday utilizing every stand he could find. Afterward Anni was concerned about an elderly couple that had finished some time ago paid their check, but remained sitting at the table. When Anni asked if everything had been all right. The man said quietly, " Yes, It was fine, dear, but my wife and I would like to leave now and we were wondering if she could she please have her walker back?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Randy Goodman, 49, Sedalia, MO Sent in by Patti Incompetent hunter SEDALIA, Mo. – A hunter bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him, but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life. The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell." The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots. Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood. He reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises.
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Bonus link site not working Dear Webby Thanks for the fun and clean page.I am having trouble bringing up the bonus link...am i the only one? Thanks Sharon Dear Sharon Seems to work fine now. Crock Pot Cookings It happens quite frequently that sites get overloaded, when thousands of Humor Letter subscribers storm in there shortly after they get to work. An hour later the site owners stop pulling their hair out, and start bragging about the fantastic number of visitors that suddenly popped in from all over the place. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gift Jar Mixes Make people gift mixes in a jar as an inexpensive Christmas Gift. Use a nice canning jar and fill it with the dry ingredients for a baking recipe. Decorate the jar and attach the recipe so that the recipient can complete the recipe by adding the necessary wet ingredients. Click Here For Jar Mix Recipes On ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gif ... 5_273.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You don't have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney at the divorce. You may kiss the bride."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old 45's
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Dear Webby, is Winweb OK? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 3, 2008

The least of learning is done in the classrooms. --- Thomas Merton Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. --- Alexandre Dumas
Thanks to Ellen for this report: One day I found my five-year-old daughter, with the telephone, which she quickly hung up when she saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked her. "Calling Aunt Sarah." "How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number." "Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied. I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?" "She told me I had the wrong number."
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In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . " "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Wayne Schwarz, 20, Brainerd, Minnesota Too dumb to be out of jail in Brainerd BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- A Minnesota man just released from a detox center stole an undercover deputy's car for the trip home, the Crow Wing County Sheriff's Department alleges. Christopher Wayne Schwarz, 20, was re-arrested after a chase that lasted less than half an hour, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Thursday. He faces charges of fleeing a peace officer and motor vehicle theft. "If you want to make a quick trip back to jail, that would be the way to do it," Sheriff Todd Dahl said. Schwarz was originally arrested early Wednesday at the county detox center. Dahl said staffers called police for help getting him into a seclusion room. He was released in mid-afternoon. Dahl said that someone had left the keys in the ignition of the car that Schwarz used for his getaway.
One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny's arm. "I think you'd better bandage around the other arm, Doc!" "But, why? I'm supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it." "Doc, you really don't know how kids behave!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Is Winweb OK? Dear Webby, As I started to surf the web, this winweb gave me a free scan. They said they found 38 infections, and some are quite dangerous. A window popped up asking if I would like to rid my machine of these virus' I said yes and hit the key to do so, and all of the sudden they wanted $51.54 to purchase their program. Do you know if this is a reputable firm? I have some doubts. I ran a scan of my whole computer using Avast, they did find 5 spyware items but that is all. I would appreciate your opinion about this. Thanks for such a great newsletter. Ron Desr Ron You have been conned and you clicked to agree to be infected with ransom-ware. The 5 items Avast found were probably put there by that winweb. Better search the web for ways to get rid of that winweb. There might be stuff that Avast can't touch, because you clicked to agree to it. Here is a link to one remover of that crap: http://www.2-spyware.com/remove-winweb- ... -2008.html Obviously, I have not tested it, but that remover looks legit. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Shirley for this report: I believe my daughter Janice wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses. I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. Janice was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z'."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Building Materials From Building Sites If you see a construction site or a renovation near your house, ask the contractor or site manager if you can have some of the scrap building material. It's a great way to get scraps for fire wood, wood for small projects, or old bricks to use in your garden. Visit ThriftyFun For MoreGreen Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crock Pot Cookings
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: : Change Windows language 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 2, 2008

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. --- Clarence Darrow If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --- Johnny Carson
"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." "Welcome to hell, here's your harp." (For those who are not familiar with harps, they go out of tune if somebody opens a door or window withn 20 feet of it, or if somebody sneezes within 6 feet of it.)
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The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She a sked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!" Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fritz Mesadieu and Jonathan Mesadieu of Hempstead, NY Vultures Claiming that "carelessness, recklessness, negligence and gross negligence" led to their injuries in the Wal-Mart stampede that left a store employee dead on Black Friday in the Green Acres Mall, two Hempstead men Monday filed a $2-million notice of claim against Nassau County and Nassau police. The notice was filed by attorney Kenneth M. Mollins of Melville on behalf of Fritz Mesadieu and Jonathan Mesadieu of Hempstead. According to the claim, the men suffered "injuries to their neck and back, including but not limited to injuries of emotional harm." The claim is for "adjustment and payment" of what the claimants are calling "sustained monetary losses as a result of health care and legal expense associated with" the injuries suffered in the crush of shoppers at the Wal-Mart, according to court papers. The claim asserts that when Nassau police officers arrived on scene they "stood outside their vehicles drinking coffee while the crowd became more and more unruly." It claims the officers took no affirmative action. The incident resulted in the death of Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour, 34, of Jamaica, Queens, who was crushed in the mass of what officials called 2,000 would-be shoppers who stormed the store, breaking down the doors -- and trampling over him.
Supermodels ------------- It's hard to be a Supermodel as evidenced by the following actual quotes from some of today's hardest-working and best-known supermodels. We've come a long way from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain... ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."-- Cindy Crawford ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."-- Christie Brinkley ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."-- Paulina Porizkova ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." -- Christy Turlington ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." -- Christy Turlington
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Change Windows language Dear Webby, My friend told me she can switch her keyboard from English to German in language option. I have windows XP and was wondering is it safe and is it possible to do that? And how is it done? Thank you for your help. Rose Dear Rose Here is what I found: In Win XP, to change the keyboard languages and layout, click Start , then choose Settings, Control Panel, and Regional and Language Options. Click the "Languages" tab, then the "Details" button, the "Settings" tab, and the "Add" button. Now choose an input language from a long list. ( IF the "Input language" is English (United States), the US-International English keyboard can be selected by checking the "Keyboard layout/IME" box and choosing it from the list.) Click the ok button to close the Input window. If the added language is a permanent choice, be sure to click Apply to finish the process (the Windows installation CD is not usually needed). For an illustrated version of these directions try http://www.starr.net/is/type/intl-add.html Have FUN! DearWebby

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed on her birthday morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for your birthday," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com December Food Best Buys Buy foods that are in season and save money in December. The food best buys for December are Apples, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Chicken, Cranberries, Grapefruit, Lamb, Oranges, Oysters, Pork, Sweet Potatoes, Tangelos, Tangerines, Turkey, Turnips and Winter Squash. Visit ThriftyFun For More Grocery Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle gym out there. It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing. My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer "Yes Sir" and "No Sir," and my teacher is a woman. She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils. In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words, one was cool and the other was lousy. I said, "Cool, tell us the lousy one first." In science, she asked, "what would happen if one of the stars in Orion's belt went out?" I told her his pants would fall down. She asked, "Why do astronauts wear space suits?" I said, "To cover their space underwear." In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in Kentucky. I said "O.K., I'll name one Waldo and the other Heathcliff." And I don't like math at all, there's just too many problems. We eat in the cafeteria. For lunch yesterday we had Roast Beef, bread and butter. The roast beef was so tough it challenged me to a fight after school. The bread was so stale I took it to show and tell in history class. I'd tell you about the butter but I don't want to spread it around. They gave us animal crackers for dessert. On the outside of the box it said "Do not eat if seal is broken." Of course ... (these are third grade jokes, try to keep up) After lunch we had a test. I used to hate taking tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game. Now I hate games. I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in spelling. My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more time I might pass it. My teacher knows all the answers, of course, she makes up all the questions. But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made the P.T.A.'s Most Wanted list. Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything! Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said, "I don't know, your mother puts everything away!" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cult of cars
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Dear Webby: Burn parts of MP3 files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 1, 2008

I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good. --- Seneca I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --- Tom Lehrer Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. --- Socratex
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
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Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure that me and the rolling pin would be waiting for you at the front door."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Darwin Barrios-Paz, 21, of South San Francisco, California Thirsty burglar A man was arrested in a South San Francisco liquor store Saturday night after he was found drinking in the store’s walk-in beer cooler while attempting a burglary, according to the Police Department. Darwin Barrios-Paz, 21, of South San Francisco, was arrested on charges of commercial burglary, possession of narcotics, and giving false identification to South San Francisco police after officers responded to a reported broken window at about 11 p.m. Saturday, and found him drinking in the store’s walk-in beer cooler, police said. Barrios-Paz had used a cement cinder block to break a window at the store at 71 Camaritas Ave., tampered with two cash registers and put several calling cards into plastic bags, police said. After admitting to entering the store with intent to commit a theft, Barrios-Paz was arrested and booked at San Mateo County Jail, police said. Barrios-Paz was also found to be in possession of a small amount of cocaine and marijuana, and used a false Arizona driver’s license to identify himself, police said.
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: Burn part of an MP3 file Webby, Hope you can help me with this problem. I have downloaded a podcast (MP3) to my computer. I now have it on my desktop and want to burn only one part of it to a CD. Is there a way to do that? Thomas Dear Thomas Yes, sure you can! First you have to split the file with an audio editing tool. There are tons of programs available for messing with MP3. Some are free, and some are good. CoolEdit and mp3trim have the best reputation. You can split the file into pieces, or cut the boring parts and just trim the file. Then you can burn it like you burn any other mp3 file. Have FUN! DearWebby

The night before I was to have cardiac surgery, the doctor suggested I take a shower because I wouldn't be able to for several days, which was fine with me As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. One of them asked, "Are you going to be able to manage OK?" I said, "I feel a little weak and a bit dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me." The cute little Nurse looked up at me, giggled and said, "Nice try. We got a fire hose for that, and can do it from a safe distance."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yarn as Ribbon Yarn is relatively inexpensive and makes attractive ribbon for Christmas gifts. Use multiple strands in colors that complement your wrapping paper for a fancy look. Make some loops of yarn and tie tightly in the middle of the loops. Leave in loops or cut the loop ends and make a pom pom for the top. Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Wrapping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gif ... 6_264.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the local coffee bar, Carol, couldn't help but overhear a young woman that was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing, Entertain. And stay home at night!" Carol interjected, "Girl, if that's all you want, you should save yourself a hell of a lot of trouble and just get yourself a TV!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mental Floss
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: XP Administrator log-in 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 30, 2008

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian. --- Lee Simonson With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke. --- Will Rogers
Sam and a longtime golfing buddy arrived at the Seminole Clubhouse the other day and decided that just once, they would play the ball where it lies on this round of golf. . . "No matter what !" Everything was fine till the 14th hole when Sam sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As Sam reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" Sam tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But his buddy would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, Sam went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, Sam took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but Sam's ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his buddy exclaimed. "What the hell club did you use?" Sam gave him a sly, silly, little smile and said, "Your 7 iron !"
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While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the water. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the water, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
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Thanks to Martin for sending this picture taken by his son: Mogollon, New Mexico This old mining town is located in the western part of Gila Wilderness, and the town, some mountains, and other features were named for a Spanish administrator or explorer. (pronounced muggy on) There are a few residents, and more in summer when it is something of an artist's colony. Other buildings, like this one, just are.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Roy Aguilar, 21, in Santa Fee, New Mexico Drunk driver running himsel over A 21-year-old drunk driver was run over by his own truck Sunday after leading police on a chase and neglecting to put his truck in park after finally coming to a halt, police said Tuesday. Roy Aguilar — who narrowly missed crashing into two other oncoming motorists during the nearly 10-minute chase near Cochiti Lake — sustained only minor injuries after he fell out of his Ford pickup and it rolled over his legs. "You could see how easily this guy could have killed somebody," said Department of Public Safety Secretary John Denko, Video of the chase and the idjit falling down and the truck runing over his legs. http://www.santafenewmexican.com/www/Fl ... =112508DWI http://www.santafenewmexican.com/Local% ... -own-truck
The Hospital regulations where Betty last worked as a nurse, like most all others, require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. One day Betty found an elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with an overnight suit case besides him. The guy insisted he didn't need Betty's help to leave the hospital. But after Betty educated him about the hospital rules, and vehemently insisting she would take him down to the hospital exit, he reluctantly agreed to let her wheel him to the elevator. After they were downstairs and at the exit door, Betty asked if his wife or someone was meeting him and taking him home. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helen Re: XP Administrator log-in Hi, Webby, I wonder if you can help me with this. I have Windows XP (home), and I have my computer set so I do not have to log on when I start up Windows. I tried to install a new version of Windows Media Player, and now the system is telling me I can only finalize the installation by shutting down and then re-starting and logging in as the administrator. At this point I am unable to view video clips or records files to CD, and I do not want to give up the convenience of not having to log on at start-up, as I am the only user of this computer. Can you tell me how to finalize the installation and still keep my automatic start-up? Thanks in advance!! Helen Dear Helen Step by step instructions are here: http://www.microsoft.com/windowsxp/usin ... count.mspx Assume Administrator role in XP Have FUN! DearWebby

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Beware of Balance Transfer Fees Make sure to factor in the balance transfer fees and to look at the actual interest rate before accepting one of these offers. Many times balance transfers are charged a higher APR than normal purchases after the promotional interest rate expires. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Card Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_452.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?" "Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot." "That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?" "Prove it? Why everybody knows it." "If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." Irving shouted out, "She did, too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Feathers Plus
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Dear Webby: Defrag with computer off? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 29, 2008

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. --- Saki Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards. --- Fred Hoyle
Thanks to irene for this story: I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip. To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza. "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory. "Yep," he replied proudly. "Not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!" It's too ad he didn't know about how those boxes loose all rigidity when I open the tab with my fingernail. The klutzy kid made a heck of a mess on the hallway carpet.
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The Thanksgiving party had turned into a marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for about an hour before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway. My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."
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Thanks to Martin for sending this picture taken by his son: Horned toad/ horned lizard (genus Phrynosoma), Gila Wilderness, New Mexico
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Little Maplestead, Essex, England 'Gentleman Robber'' suspect arrested A flooring boss who marched an employee to a police station with tied hands and a “thief” sign around his neck has been charged over the stunt. In House Flooring chief Simon Cremer, 41, tied Mark Gilbert’s hands, hung a sign around his neck and walked him through town after he found Gilbert had tried to steal £845 from the firm. Gilbert was arrested for theft, admitted the crime and was cautioned. But Cremer and three employees have all been charged with false imprisonment over the incident. They will all appear before Chelmsford Magistrate’s Court next month. Even Gilbert has expressed surprise that the men had been arrested, admitting: ‘I’m the criminal here.’ The charges came on the day Whitehall statistics showed tens of thousands of serious criminals are receiving only a caution – including rapists and child molesters. Because there is no jail space left, the number of criminals being sent to jail is at its lowest level for a decade. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... harge.html http://www.contractjournal.com/Articles ... loyee.html It seems the British gene pool needs more chlorine!
Thanks to fran for this one: Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" "No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tam Re: Does scheduled defrag run when the computer is off? Dear Webby, Hello .. as always thanks for the great humor. I have a question and love your advice. When the computer is shut down, does the defragment and other things i have scheduled run? thanks and have a good day. Tam Dear Tam when the computer is shut down, nothing runs. Even when you got it set to sleep, hibernate or stand by, nothing runs, except for a little watchdog, that is waiting for some mouse or keyboard action. Have FUN! DearWebby

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?" "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Leftover Cereal for Casseroles Use leftover or stale cereal as a casserole topper. Just crumble it up and use in place of or in addition to crackers. Fruit Loops (or other sweetened cereal) probably wouldn't work well as a casserole topper, but cheerios and corn flakes can taste fantastic. Visit ThriftyFun For More Leftover Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_951.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

How do you tell the difference between the psychologists and the patients in a psychiatric hospital? The patients are curable, get better and leave.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Links: Great Military Photos More Great Military Photos More Great Military Photos hmmm, wonder why the Taliban are not impressed and scared?
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Mac versus PC 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 28, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. --- Pablo Picasso I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. --- Mark Twain
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A fisherman is returning home with several large fish in his creel. A guy comes along and asks, "You been fishing?" "Uh, yeah." "What bait you using?" "Chewin' tobacco." "How'd you use chewin' tobacco as bait?" "I put the tobacco on the hook and drop the hook in the water. The fish nibble on the bait and when they come up to spit, I hit 'em on the head with my rod."
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Sign seen in an animal shelter: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."
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Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Carmelo Balzari, 33, in Milan, Italy 'Gentleman Robber'' suspect arrested MILAN, Italy (UPI) -- Police in Milan, Italy, said they have arrested a suspected "gentleman robber" who took care not to frighten bank staff or children during his alleged heists. Investigators said Carmelo Balzari, 33, was arrested at a Milan hotel during the weekend after he allegedly robbed 10 banks in two months, ANSA reported. Officers said the "gentleman robber" would wait until all children had exited the bank before executing his robberies and took care not to upset clerks. Police said the "sharply dressed and softly spoken" alleged robber once gave up on a robbery after a bank manager reacted "too sharply." "He was a real gentleman, a kind you don't often see anymore," a police officer said of the suspect.
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful. "How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished. "Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Adrian Re: Is Mac easier than Windows? Dear Webby, Is Mac easier than Windows? Some friends tell me that they don't have the problems on their Mac that everybody seems to have on Windows. What's the real scoop? Adrian Dear Adrian Mac is a cult, not just a machine, just like Harley Davidson. If they look at it realistically, nobody would buy a Harley because of reliability, performance or ease of use. They buy it because their buddies have one, or because they want to become buddies with Harley owners. The same goes for Mac. Their system is trying to be bimbo-proof and cutesy, like Vista is trying to be. That of course comes with a performance and reliability penalty. It all depends on what you want to do with the computer. For top performance and reliability, use Linux or UNIX. For good performance and reliability, use XP For cute and pretty interfaces use Mac or Vista. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Quick and Easy Tree Ornament A quick and easy Christmas tree ornament can be made by using clear glass ornament balls. Drop paint in through the hole and then turn it upside down and let sit overnight. The paint will spread out and coat the inside of the ball. Swirls of red and white or green and white make really pretty ornaments. Visit ThriftyFun for more Christmas Ornament Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Dec ... 5_259.html If you don't have any clear glass ornament balls, you can wad up aluminum foil or wrap it around a ball made with scrap paper. Then lightly spray it with candy-apple red or gold spray paint. "Candy-Apple" paints are translucent, basically just a varnish with some pigment in it. If you don't like using spray cans, you can use a tooth brush. Dip it into the paint, then push it forward over a popsicle stick or edge of a ruler. It will nicely splatter the balls and look even better than spraying them. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." "Read it to me," the captain ordered. The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Oyster Harvest
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Difference between B and EM 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the US!

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. --- Napoleon Hill:
HAVING GONE OUT for a large lunch with fellow workers, a secretary from our office who runs regularly was especially motivated to get to the gym after work. Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food, suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As she was leaving the office, she called to the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!" This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face turned red even before her first lap.
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During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door opened and a soldier rushed in to announce, "Hey, captain, the Northern Lights are out! Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ross M. Walsh, 26, of Linden, Iowa, and Lois K. Feldman, 38, of Carroll, Iowa Metrodome sexcapade Last update: November 26, 2008 - 7:02 AM While the Iowa Hawkeyes were scoring at will on the field Saturday night, two fans from the Hawkeye State were scoring elsewhere in the Metrodome. Police say a man and woman were "having relations" in a bathroom stall as a crowd cheered them on. Ross M. Walsh, 26, of Linden, Iowa, and Lois K. Feldman, 38, of Carroll, Iowa, were cited for misdemeanor indecent conduct. Walsh was released to his girlfriend and Feldman to her husband, police said. A security guard came upon the scene in the handicapped stall, police said. Police were summoned, and they separated the two. Both were intoxicated, said University Deputy Police Chief Chuck Miner.
Thanks to Bill for this story: I walked over to the attractive young woman seated across the bar and made a disparaging remark about some of the men who had been attempting to pick her up. She laughed and smiled, saying, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'." "Ha-ha," I laughed, relishing her humor, and inquired, "Where do you really live?" Her smile disappeared as she responded, "I'm just visiting here."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roseann Re: Difference between B and EM in Html Dear Webby, I know you are an HTML wiz from way back. Nobody can give me a straight answer about this, but most say it is the same. What really IS the difference between B and EM for bolding text on pages? Thanks Roseann Dear Roseann For beginners, it IS the same. For pros, each one can be configured in the CSS (Cascading Style Sheets) to be something different. You can for example set B to just bold the text and put it into Arial font, and set EM to extra bold it, set it into Comics font, Large, Italic, make it red, and give it a yellow background like this: This is in EM The reason for having two is just to have an extra tag that can be custom configured. If you need more, you can custom configure the H1 to H7 tags Have FUN! DearWebby

After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for Texans?" One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling a Car to a Private Party If you sell a car to a private party, make sure to transfer the title. If you don't do this, and the car ends up on the side of the road or in a ditch, you will have to pay for any fines or impound feeds associated with the vehicle. Visit ThriftyFun For More Car Selling Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Selling% ... 6_153.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!" His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?" The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Veggie Guru
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Dear Webby: Recording streaming audio 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 26, 2008

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. --- Laurence J. Peter
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques. The rest were college students.
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I'm sure you've all heard about the military's plans to use huge ground-based lasers to destroy abandoned satellites in orbit. But have you also noticed that since these plans were made public, CNN hasn't aired a single report accusing the military of sexual harassment?
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Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to TV station HTV in Zagreb, Croatia Woman sues TV station over obesity program TV bosses are facing a £10,000 lawsuit after filming a passer-by on the street for a documentary about obese people. Gordana Knezic, 40, said she had no idea that Croatian station HTV were filming her as she shopped in the capital Zagreb . She says she was horrified to see herself on TV later described as an example of an overweight person. Programme-makers say they have already apologised. HTV spokesman Janos Roemer said: "We have been in contact with the lady concerned." But Ms Knezic said she would still be taking them to court. She said: "I was absolutely staggered when I turned on the TV to see myself in a film about fat people. "It was terrible. An apology is not enough. I want to make a point with this legal case. I want to show that attacks on human dignity like this cannot be tolerated." ------------- The nerve of them! Showing how she looks without paying her!
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Betty Re: Recording off the net Dear Webby, I can record most things off the net, but some courses seem to be using some sort of streaming directly to the speakers, and I can't intercept and record it. I know, it's probably some copy protection, but how am I supposed to study the stuff if I can't listen to it again at a more convenient time? Is there a way around that? Betty Dear Betty I know that problem exists, but it usually is not intended by the cours instructor. Most of the time it's just a "feature" of the seminar software that they use, and they have no clue about how to turn that "feature" off. Put your microphone in front of the speaker and in Settings, Control Panel, Sound, Audio, Sound Recording, Volume, Advanced turn on Microphone Boost. Even though the direct streaming is a bypass and not recordable, you can record the microphone input normally with Audacity or any similar program. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe. "Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday." Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Replacing Turkey with Chicken in Recipes Many recipes for chicken work just as well with holiday turkey leftovers. I used a chicken curry recipe for dinner and substituted turkey. The flavor is better if the pieces of turkey are stir fried just enough to brown them. By Lynn http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf410940.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for what they should be looking for. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Jet Stream
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Digital Zoom 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 25, 2008

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. --- Cullen Hightower Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. --- Evan Esar
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love.
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Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?" The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." "My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs." The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Philip and Tina Sherman in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Couple sue McDonald's over nude photos A US couple are suing McDonald's for £2m after nude photos of the woman, which were on her husband's mobile phone, ended up on the internet. Phillip Sherman says he accidentally left his phone, with the photos, at a McDonald's in Fayetteville, Arkansas, reports the BBC. He says staff promised to secure the phone until he could retrieve it. But the Shermans claim they had to move home after the woman's name, address, and phone number appeared online along with the photos. Tina Sherman says she began receiving offensive calls and text messages about the pictures from her husband's mobile phone after he left it at the McDonald's on 5 July. The couple then discovered that the nude pictures she had sent to her husband's phone had been posted online. The Shermans are suing McDonald's Corporation, the owner of the franchise involved and the restaurant's manager, saying they have suffered emotional distress, embarrassment and damage to their reputations. McDonald's has so far refused to comment on the case. They are probably still trying to find an employee who knows how to upload stuff like that. Yu wanna haf flies wif that? in Fayetteville, Arkansas,
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moe Re: Digital Zoom Dear Webby, how important is the digital zoom on cameras? Is it worth considering when choosing a camera? Moe Dear Moe Knowing how much digital zoom a camera has, is exactly as important to know as the free fall speed of a donut. Digital zoom uses the center part of the picture, after it has been shot, stretches it to full size and fills the gaps between the pixels with fluff. The picture winds up looking fuzzy and coarse. If you want to expand a picture, you can do a much better job with PSP or Photoshop. The better cameras let you lock out digital zoom, so that you will NEVER, not even accidentally, use it. The only zoom that counts is optical zoom. Have FUN! DearWebby

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, " I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com What to Do with Leftovers If you have lots of leftovers you may want to freeze them rather than trying to consume them all before they go bad. You can do this with breads, cookies and other baked goods as well as meats and cheeses. Also consider sharing some with those whose families were not with them during the holidays. Visit ThriftyFun for more Leftover Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I begetting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hanoverians
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Dear Webby: AVG Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 24, 2008

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. --- Oscar Levant The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Little Suzie ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother. "My doll! Johnny broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Suzie?" "I hit him over the head with it."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Woods, 21, of Huntington Beach CA Heart patient chases truck A 63-year-old Suffolk man facing major heart surgery chased a lorry across three counties after it clipped his Tudor house. Wynn Evans, a wood carver, heard an "almighty thud" as one of two lorries travelling in convoy struck the overhanging roof of his 500-year-old home in Cavendish. It damaged beams, tiling and a window and sent a chunk of wood crashing to the pavement, reports the Daily Telegraph. The property had been hit by vehicles several times before so Mr Evans jumped into his car and began a 20-mile pursuit in search of the vehicle's registration number. He called police frequently on his mobile from his car as he followed to update them of his progress. A patrol car eventually intercepted an HGV in Linton, Cambs, 30 minutes later and the driver was arrested. "I was making a cup of tea when I heard the bang and saw the lorry drive off," he said. "I was livid. I didn't want to beat anybody up I just wanted to make sure somebody paid for the damage because I knew what it would cost. "I knew that if I simply called the police all they would have to go on was a vague description of the lorry. So I jumped in my car and followed it and called the police as I went." Mr Evans had spent several hours at Papworth Hospital, Cambs, earlier that day, undergoing tests ahead of heart bypass surgery. Mr Evans and his wife Lesley have lived in the listed property for two-and-a-half years during which time it has been hit four times. Last year a lorry caused £10,000 worth of damage in a similar incident. --------------- After the house has been hit 3 times, somebody less boneheaded would have put a big, brightly painted rock at the corner, instead of waiting for the next truck to hit the overhang.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. Anni arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. Anni said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bethel Re: AVG Problems Have tried different ways to contact you, but Vista computer is causing me problems, so hope this route will work. I've had AVG free virus protection for some months now and it has worked fine until today. Tried to do a manual update and keep getting a message " invalid update control CTF file." I have gone on AVG website but because it's a free version, cannot get much info. Do you know what the problem might be? I'm not very computer literate so finding and fixing problems is difficult. Any help you could give would be very much appreciated. Bethel Dear Bethel I don't use or recommend Vista. Regarding Vista problems you will have to contact Microsoft, or whatever con artist conned you into buying Vista. Re AVG, it's pretty well the same story. I don't use or recommend AVG. And you are right. They don't have any help for the free users. It appears that they let you use it free for a while, but then leave you stuck if you don't fork over some cash. Try un-installing it and get the Avast free anti-virus software instead. I don't personally use it, but all subscribers who wrote about it, seem to like it. There is a link to it in my tool box Just scroll down to the big red A Have FUN! DearWebby

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service, and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint. "I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one. "CTC? Who are they?" another asked. "You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop for Gifts at the Dollar Store This year when Christmas shopping, consider buying gifts as well as decorative items from your local dollar store. I went into our dollar store yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised at the amount of decorative items as well as gift items available - and at such a reasonable price! Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Gift Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gifts_246_265.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life Magazine
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Dear Webby: Controlling lights from a computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 23, 2008

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. --- Thomas Jefferson The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money. --- Jay Leno
My violin teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "Did you got it used?"
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Thanks to Sandie for this report: In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this... Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up!' Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Old Bats
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Woods, 21, of Huntington Beach CA Vehicular manslaughter while texting November 19, 2008 HUNTINGTON BEACH -- A driver who struck and killed a 14-year-old bicyclist while allegedly texting on his cell phone has been indicted for vehicular manslaughter and DUI, authorities said. Investigators say 21-year-old Jeffrey Woods, of Huntington Beach, was apparently negotiating a drug deal when he allegedly struck and killed Danny Oates at the corner of Indianapolis Avenue and Everglades Lane in August 2007. The Orange County grand jury indicted Woods earlier this month for felony vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence while intoxicated and felony driving under the influence causing bodily injury. Woods is accused of driving under the influence of Vicodin and Xanax, according to a statement the District Attorney's Office released Tuesday. If convicted of all charges, Woods faces 10 years in prison.
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling ...Joe" Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: controlling lights from the computer Dear Webby, You mentioned at one time that it was possible to control lights from the computer. Can I use that to control Chritmas lights? How is that done, and how expensive is that? Alex Dear Alex X10 has a computer interface and controller. You can use the computer to program the controller, and you can also reach through and directly control stuff from your computer, and for the last 10 years or so, even over the Internet. The controller puts a little coded fuzz onto the regular house electricity. Appliace plug-ins that you stick into regular outlets read that fuzz, and if the code is meant for a particular plug-in, it toggles on or off. If you use an 8 outlet power bar, and plug 8 appliance plug-ins into it, you can control 8 sets of lights with it. Or 7 sets of lights and your coffee pot and CD player. Whatever is plugged into the appliance modules, is turned on or off by the controller. The controller is programmed or over-ridden by the computer. It is actually quite simple. The price is nuts and unpredictable because of their specials. If you subscribe to their fliers, you can get insane bargains. Earlier this week I ordered I $450 kit for $49. Just lurk until what you want goes on sale, and then pounce. I have seen appliance modules as low as $20 for 10 of them. By the way, X-10 is nothing new. They have been around since the 1960s. Have FUN! DearWebby

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Sap Off Your Hands When handling evergreens or pine cones, you can remove the sticky sap from your hands by scrubbing it with a paste made of baking soda and water. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cleaning Tips If you don't like tedious scrubbing, you can do what the loggers do: A quick spray of WD40 and wipe your hands on your jeans or a rag. Especially when limbing and tossing branches all day, it is important to keep sap off your hands to avoid blisters due to the sticky spot traction caused by sap spots. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Annie for this story: The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: California Wildfires
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: From Outlook to Open Source to Envelopes 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 22, 2008

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. --- Robert Benchley The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question. --- Stephen Jay Gould
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”
Thanks to Sue for this picture: On the road again
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rico Todriquez Wright, 25 of Dublin, GA Rapper gets 20 years after writing shooting song DUBLIN, Ga. – He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police said, a rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name. A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip hop confession to police. Chad Blue, 28, told police he had known Wright before the September 2006 shooting, but that the men weren't friendly. He testified companions egged Wright on as he chased and shot his victim in the thigh and groin. Later, Blue told police he recognized Wright's voice on a CD, rapping "Chad Blue knows how I shoot." Wright was sentenced to 20 years for two counts of aggravated assault. He will spend another 20 years on probation. Information from: The Courier Herald, http://www.courier-herald.com
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?' her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Printng Envelopes Dear Webby, My address book is on Outlook (I know, but I started the book in the early 1990's and have a lot of data input time invested) and I have moved it to my new computer running Vista (I know bad twice) and now MS Word freezes up when I try to address an envelope using the address book. It was problematic on my old XP machine and crashed word regularly if I updated or added to the address book, but it's useless now. I publish the monthly newsletter for our Non-Profit organization and address about 170 envelopes a month for the mailing. I just finished addressing them, so I have a 30-day break before the next mailing. It's cheaper for the organization if I address the envelopes rather than use labels since my time is donated. Can you recommend software that will run on Vista and can just pull an address from its data base and print a freaking address on an envelope? 'Cause my $300 Vista operating system and $300 MS Office 2007 "Professional" can't seem to get the job done. It would be good if the software can import the Outlook .wab file, but I also have the mailing list in a MS Word document, and at this point would even be willing to type each address by hand into the database if I only had to do it once. Thank you Webby, Paul Dear Paul Industry and commerce nowadays use Open Office. You can get it free from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Open Office is platform independent, and doesn't care whether you handicap yourself with Vista or not. Here is a tutorial for exporting Outlook addresses into the Open Office database Here is one about Printing Envelopes in Open Office Once you have the addresses in your database, you can use them in any Open Office program, not just in WRITE, but even in the spreadsheet for making fancy executive style graphs. Regarding labels versus envelopes: I found that envelopes age a printer a lot faster than labels do, and in the long run, labels are cheaper for me than printers. Have FUN! DearWebby

A missionary visited a small village in a remote jungle and began preaching the gospel. "Jesus saves!" exclaimed the missionalry. "Bawana!" shouted the natives. "Ye must be baptized!" exclaimed the missionary. "Bawana!" shouted the natives "Donate tithes and offerings!" exclaimed the missionary. "Bawana!" shouted the natives. Having had such a successful time, the missionary inquired of the chief as to how he could go to the next village, to share the gospel with them too. The chief replied, "You go down road one thousand paces, you turn right, climb over wall made of rocks, run across field. Many bulls in field, you run fast, but be careful not step in bawana."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Money With LED Christmas Lights They aren't quite as bright as other lights, but LED Christmas lights will save you a bundle on your energy bill. They cost as much as 90% less to operate. LED lights also produce almost no heat, which reduces the risk of fire. Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Decorating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Dec ... 6_255.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth. The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Celebrity Houses
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: How to "import sites list" 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 20, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --- Gilda Radner There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. --- Benjamin Disraeli
"Dad" asked , "could you help me with my math homework?" "Certainly not," he replied indignantly. "It wouldn't be right." "Maybe not," said , "but you could at least try!"
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Not long after his marriage, David and his dad, Jon, met for lunch. "How's married life treating you, son?" Jon asked. "Not good, Pop. It seems like I've married a nun." "A nun? What are you talking about?" "A nun. As in 'nun' in the morning, 'nun' at night, and flat 'nun' at all unless I beg." "Ah. I see. Well, look, David, why don't you and your wife come on by for supper tonight and we'll have a nice talk about it." David smiled and said, "Thanks, Dad. That's a great idea." "Good," Jon said, "I'll just call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
Thanks to Bernd for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, in Port St. Lucie, Fla. Man accused of battery by sandwich PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a man was arrested after allegedly striking his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving. The police report of the incident alleges the 19-year-old victim picked up Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, from his mother's home Friday and began driving to their new apartment in Fort Pierce, Fla., while their 7-month-old son slept in the back seat of the vehicle, TCPalm.com reported Tuesday. The report said the victim claims Rodriguez became angry during the ride and "started to hit her in the arm and striking her in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off her face." Rodriguez admitted arguing with his girlfriend and was quoted in the report as telling officers that he "didn't want to hit her so he threw a sandwich at her, striking her in the face (and) knocking her glasses off." Police said Rodriguez was charged with domestic battery and child abuse. He was released from the St. Lucie County jail Saturday after posting $7,500 bail.
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Can you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Site File Dear Webby, The screen says I have a WJVeiw ERROR Could not execute the main. System cannot fine file specified Internal error sites file is missing or corrupted To correct this error,import a new site file. I hope this helps you ,it is the only information I have . Thanks Jan Dear Jan "Sites File" is part of your anti virus program. It looks like some virus knocked over your anti virus program and destroyed the "Sites File" in it. That is it's list of bad sites. If you want to stick with an anti-virus program, that gets knocked out so easily, contact their support and ask them for a new sites file. Have FUN! DearWebby

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thickening Gravy If your gravy is too runny and thin, mix equal parts flour and cornstarch together and sprinkle it into gravy to thicken it. Sprinkle it in a little at a time and stir, it should thicken up in no time. A large salt shaker is good for this. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Linda for this story: At our adult Sunday-school class, the teacher asked us to think of everyday ways in which we could practice our religion. The topic of driving courtesy came up first. "How do you respond to the driver who rudely cuts you off?" the teacher asked. A woman piped up, "Smash her other fender too?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sunshine Coast
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Dear Webby: Graphics Monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 20, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. --- Sir Barnett Cocks The purpose of life is to fight maturity. --- Dick Werthimer
Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Thanks to Bernd for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 81 year old woman in Liverpool, England Woman, 81, suspect in soccer star burglary LIVERPOOL, England (UPI) -- An 81-year-old woman was among five suspects arrested on charges of stealing an Olympic medal and other valuables from an English soccer star. The woman and four other people -- ranging in age from 19 to 45 -- were taken into custody Thursday night in raids on three houses in Liverpool, the Liverpool Echo reported. All were being held on suspicion of burglary. Police said a bronze medal from the Beijing Olympics was recovered. Liverpool midfielder Lucas Leiva's home was robbed while the team was playing Athletico Madrid in England last week. Investigators said a large quantity of suspected stolen goods was seized from the three houses.
Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a female bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. ... I wanna be a bear.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Corona Re: Monitor Dear Webby, have proper monitors become extinct? All I can see is the wide yuppie monitors with pathetic resolution. They have a slimy gloss on them and the dummies get fooled into believing that they have high resolution. However, the wide LCD monitors are simply not good enough for real graphics work. I know you do pretty nice graphics work. Where do you get monitors from these days? Corona Dear Corona The same happened here too. The stores just stock the overpriced wide LCD monitors for dummies. For decent monitors you have to shop on-line, but even there it is becoming difficult to find 20" or larger high resolution monitors, even in High Tech countries like China. The art of making big monitors seems to have been lost. You can use Pricegrabber.com to locate companies that still have old stock and refurbs. Here are some specs to keep in mind if you want a decent monitor: Dot pitch has to be 0.25 mm (.19") maximum Resolution: 1600 x 1200 minimum. If you can't find one on http://www.pricegrabber.com, you may have to slum down to an LCD monitor. Some are getting almost as good as the old fashioned CRT monitors. Dell's 2007FP for about $500 just barely qualifies as a graphics monitor. However, they don't stock it, and expect you to wait 3+ weeks before they ship it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Washing and Storing Fine China Be sure to hand wash your nice fine china to keep each piece nice as long as possible. Put paper plates between plates when stacking them to prevent chipping and scratches. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cleaning Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html Fill your dish with water first. That way, if you drop a piece, it will not klunk down to the bottom of the sink or onto other pieces, but land gently in the water. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Man:Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl; she's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father! Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Art & History, New England Style
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Wireless mouse problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 19, 2008

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. --- Vince Lombardi So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. --- George Lucas
Thanks to Dianne for this story: Fred was well known for his cheapness and his "eye for a bargain." One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had been broken in the mail. A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered." "What terrible luck!" said Fred. "The Post Office is getting worse all the time!" "It is a shame," she replied, "and it was so beautifully wrapped too...each piece separately."
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From Jersey Devil: ------------------------- HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY Please pass this on this holiday season. When mailing your Christmas cards this year, take one card and send it to this address. If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of how many cards these wonderful special people who have sacrificed so much would get. When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following: A Recovering American Soldier c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center 6900 Georgia Avenue,NW Washington,D.C. 20307-5001 ------------------------- Jersey Devil Please keep in mind that these recovering wounded soldiers are not politicians promising the impossible to con you into voting for them. These people have risked their lives on your behalf, and are suffering the cost of doing that. If you have more cards, than people who deserve them, send them to the soldiers! The do deserve them! DearWebby
Thanks to Joan for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Justin Luecke, 28, in Sheboygan, Wis Too dopey to call police Man reports burglary, busted for drugs SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., say a man reported a burglary only to be arrested when officers found drugs and paraphernalia at his home. Investigators said officers responding to a burglary report filed by Justin Luecke, 28, spotted a marijuana pipe in Luecke's bedroom and marijuana stems and seeds in his living room, the Sheboygan Press reported Wednesday. Officers returned to Luecke's home later in the day with a search warrant and found marijuana, marijuana packaging, a scale and two varieties of unauthorized prescription pills, the arrest report said. Luecke, who told police the pipe belonged to a friend and denied any knowledge of the stems and seeds, was charged with felony marijuana possession and misdemeanor counts alleging possession of a controlled substance, an illegally obtained prescription and drug paraphernalia. He could face a maximum 26 months imprisonment if convicted on all charges.
Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.” “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.” “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: Wireless Mouse Dear Webby, I've been using a wireless mouse for a few years and love it. However, in the past few days the mouse has a mind of its own. It stalls mid page, is erratic and sometimes unresponsive. Of course I've replaced the batteries with more than one set (2AA) and I've reset the receiver / mouse a few times. Does the mouse die a natural death after a period of time? Is something else happening? If I have to get a new one please provide recommendation regarding new wireless mouse. Thanks Frank Der Frank If the mouse buttons are OK, then the wireless part is OK. Check the glider feet of the mouse. Chances are that they have accumulated some dirt. You can usually scrape the worst of it off, and then polish them by running the mouse roughly over some scrap paper. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Jimmy interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Whipping Cream You can whip cream faster by chilling the bowl and beaters in the fridge before whipping. A few drops of lemon juice will help the cream stiffen. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sandie for this one: I was shopping for art supplies at my friend's craft store. As she was checking me out, my friend asked, "Have you gotten thinner?" Flattered, I replied, "Why, yes. I've been on this diet for a couple of weeks now and I've lost a few pounds." My friend rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Greenland
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: How to get rid of PopUps 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 18, 2008

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. --- Sir Francis Bacon
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. \ I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. .....What do you do for a living?" "...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Thanks to Ross for this picture: Going on a picnic ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Goldman, 45, London, Ebgland Nutty eacher giving bad example LONDON (UPI) -- A London teacher said she was detained for several hours at a city airport after she attempted to return to a plane for her daughter's toys. Emma Goldman, 45, said she "impulsively" tried to return to the plane to retrieve her daughter's toys moments after arriving at Gatwick Airport on a flight from Venice and ripped three security seals on doors between the terminal concourse and the jet, The Daily Mail reported. Goldman said she was swarmed by armed police. "I wasn't scared because I thought they'd realize it was just a misunderstanding, I tried to wave it off and apologize," she said. "But they took me downstairs and there was this van with a horrible cage inside. They opened the back doors and my heart started racing -- that's when I felt really scared." Goldman said she was held for several hours before questioning. She said police wanted to drop her case, but the Crown Prosecution Service insisted on pursing charges of criminal damage and entering a restricted zone of an airport without permission. She admitted to the charges and was given a conditional discharge and ordered to pay $40 to replace the plastic covers on the security alarms she tripped and $120 in fines. -------------------- It is surprising that they did not make a more drastic example of the nut. Anybody with the brains of a turnip knows that selaed and alarmed doors only report a breach, and make no exception if the intruder is a snooty idiot, who acts like she is above the law and the required security systems.
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears out of nowhere."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re:AntiVirus Dear Webby, I have to tell you I downloaded Avast into my sons Computer and when I am using it, IT WORKS better than Norton or McAfee ever did, It is FREE and your recommendation from your Tool box. I was using the Computer and up popped a warning a Trojan was trying to enter. It notified me right in the middle of my screen it was automatically sent into the Avast Virus Chest. It works so well I am going to recommend it to everyone of your readers. Thank a million for your Free Tool box. I have downloaded so many programs from it and they ALL are great!!! Faithful reader and user for years, Jaye Dear Webby, For years I had a free Anti- Virus program. I can't get this anymore. What is the best Anti-Virus I can purchase? Also I'm getting a lot of pop-ups from other web sites, how can I stop this? Have a Good Day Shonda Dear Jaye Thanks for your recommendation! Dear Shonda The link to Avast is in my Toolbox. Just scroll down to the big red A. You can stop Pop-Ups in many different ways. The Google Tool-bar will stop Pop-Ups no matter what browser you use, and you can excempt certain sites, like your bank, so that their calculator still pops up OK. Many browsers nowadays also an option to block Pop-Ups. Have FUN! DearWebby

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Laundry Detergent You can save money by only using what you need. For example, if you are washing clothing that is not very soiled, you can usually get by using half as much laundry detergent as the manufacturer recommends. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!” “Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all just easy shore duty, huh?”
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nano Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Quarantined 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 17, 2008

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? --- Jean Kerr The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. --- George F. Will
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Thanks to Barb for this report: My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like a big yellow school bus."
Monday already ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sainsbury's in Haverhill, Suffolk, England Book on sex positions given to primary pupils Children on a primary school trip to Sainsbury's were given a book containing pictures of sex positions as a going home gift. The book, How To Change The World For A Fiver, was mistakenly given to pupils, aged eight and nine, during a visit to the supermarket in Haverhill, Suffolk. The 42 children, from Burton End primary, were surprised to read advice such as - have a bath with a friend to "Save water. Have fun. Just get out before everything becomes wrinkled." Other inappropriate suggestions in the £5 book include encouraging readers to shave in intimate places, streak, talk to strangers and hand out your phone number to five people on the street. The blunder came to light only when a father heard his daughter giggling with friends as they flicked through the pages, reports the Daily Mail. Engineer Andrew Dodd, 37, whose daughter Laura is eight, said: "I was furious. It was extremely inappropriate and irresponsible to give to children. "The teachers were as horrified as we were when they eventually saw it. Laura thought it was funny but thankfully she didn't really understand it." A Sainsbury's spokesman admitted: "This was a well-intentioned mistake. It is a very nice book about how to make the world a better place but it is not targeted at children. "The cover looks like a kid's book. This was a mix-up and we would like to apologise for any distress caused. It certainly won't happen again."
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game in the entire year."
From the Tech Support Pits: Kitty, my email reply to you yetserday bounced back at me. It might be best for you to get Gmail. From: Rita Re:Quarantined Dear Webby, I did a scan on my computer today because it was running slow and other things showing up.It showed after the scan I have a virus called Troj/BHO-HG…I did a quarantine on it but I don't think it removed it…I have never heard of this before and was wondering if you would tell me how to get rid of it..It is on my laptop. Have a wonderful weekend. Rita T. Dear Rita Good anti-virus programs stop that trojan virus before it enters the computer, however, you may have deliberately download it, and clicked on some field to show you agreed with the terms in their small print. In cases like that, only the biggest Anti-Virus companies can afford getting sued by the company that distributes the Trojan. The name of that virus is apparently a nickname given to it by the maker of your anti-virus program, and not the name that the big ones gave it. That is why you won't find any useful information about it on the web. What do you use for Anti-Virus? Have FUN! DearWebby

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely u nacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter. The first one is 'gross' and the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" A student says, "So, what are they?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com DVD Subscription Services - Use It Or Lose It Movie subscription services like Netflix can be a great deal, but only if you use them. Keep track of how many movies you receive from them each month and divide that by the monthly service fee. Makes sure you are actually getting a good deal. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _4456.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why married women love Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life Iz A Beech
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: SP3 Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 16, 2008

Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'" --- Dave Barry One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. --- Andrew Carnegie
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
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Eva: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men. Cindy: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men. Eva: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Bob Friday night's shuttle launch
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a robber in Aurora, Indiana Robber leaves money behind AURORA, Ind. (UPI) -- Police say they are looking for a man who held up a Swifty gas station in Aurora, Ind., only to forget to take the money with him. Police said the man robbed the store early Monday, tied up the female clerk and then ran out the door with a carton of cigarettes. After he realized he forgot the bag of money he tried to go back inside the store but couldn't -- because the door was equipped with an electrical lock.
Alternative Medical Terms ------------------------- Benign................What you be after you be eight. Artery................The study of paintings. Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria. Barium................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome. Cat scan...............Searching for kitty. Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her. Colic.................A sheep dog. Coma..................A punctuation mark. D & C.................Where Washington is. Dilate................To live long. Enema.................Not a friend. Fester................Quicker than someone else. Fibula................A small lie. Genital...............Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on. Impotent..............Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates. Node..................Was aware of Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test. Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery. Rectum................Darn near killed him. Secretion.............Hiding something. Seizure...............Roman emperor. Tablet................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station Tumor.................More than one. Urine.................Opposite of you're out. Varicose..............Near by/close by. Vein..................Conceited.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kitty Re:SP3 Blocker Dear Webby, Again how do I block the sp3 thing? I'm still having trouble with my e-mail. With outlook express. One of these days it will get straighten out I hope. Kitty Dear Kitty The SP3 Blocker is in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools From what I hear, trouble with Outluck Express is normal. For help with specific Outluck Express problems, write to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

In search of a midnight snack, a yuppie couldn't find anything but a dog biscuit. He bit into it tentatively, liked it, and the next morning asked his wife to put in a large supply. The local grocer observed. "You don't need so many biscuits for a dog as small as yours." "They're for my busband." "These biscuits are strictly for dogs," grumbled the grocer. "They'll kill your husband!" Six months later, the wife admitted her husband was dead. "I told you those biscuits would kill him," the grocer reminded her. "It wasn't the biscuits," said the woman. "He was killed chasing cars."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy Two, Take One Back When I need to buy something I need for a home improvement project, I often buy two, even though I should only need one. If there is a problem installing a toilet seal or a blade breaks, I don't have to run to the store in the middle of my project to replace it. As long as they are unopened and in their original packages, the hardware store will take them back. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, eleven single ladies, nine widows, two widowers, and one single man stepped to the front.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Setting the Home Page in IE 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 15, 2008

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. --- Gustave Flaubert
A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. Don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy kicked out in Buffalo!"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence. "I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today." A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."
Not NOW!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Minnesota deer hunters Minnesota deer hunters have a hot time BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- Things took an unexpected turn for one northern Minnesota deer-hunting party this weekend when their deer stand caught fire, authorities said. The Brainerd Fire Department said things started out fine for the hunters when one of them bagged a deer Sunday afternoon. But it turned bad when the hunters descended from their stand to gut the animal, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Monday. The hunters left their guns in the stand but apparently accidentally knocked over the stand's portable heater. Not only did the stand catch fire and fall to the ground but a box of ammunition started exploding, the report said. Brainerd firefighters had to hoof it into the woods with water-pump cans to put out the flames. No humans were hurt in the incident.
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda Re:Home Page Dear Webby, First I would like to thank you for all your internet help. I have ask you several times about problems and you always have an answer. Well today it is about my internet explorer home page. I have for some time not been able to get it back. When I open the browser I get a page with advertisement about the new explorer beta 8 and of course how to down load explorer 7. Is there any way I can just get the home page back again. I have tried several different things. Also sp3 has been downloaded on my computer, it has not seemed to cause any problems; but when i deleted it, I lost alot of stuff. So I redownloaded it. Any advice on that subject? Brenda Dear Brenda You can set any page you want as your HOME page, even the Humor letter, at http://webby.com/humor or the Currency converter: http://www.xe.com/ucc/ or cookie recipes: http://www.cooks.com/rec/ch/cookies.html or whatever you want. Just click on TOOLS, Internet Options and set your Home Page. Then you can use Spybot-Search&Destroy to lock that, so that Microssoft can't change it on you behind your back. Re SP3: That is unpredictable. It works OK on some computers, but usually causes some problems on almost all computers. I block it, and have no problems related to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Children Have each child pick their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. Visit ThriftyFun For More Organizing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Israeli Army major was used to word-wars with the hot-shot Israeli Air Force fliers about crazy Army Tzanhanim (Paratroopers) jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer said during an exercise, "because they pay you Air Force schmucks four times as much to stay in one, as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," the Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is too dumb to kvetch* about the salary."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Why is MailWasher slowing down? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 14, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --- Bert Leston Taylor, I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. --- Beryl Pfizer
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." His son yells, "Dad, what are you talking about?" "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars." "Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Luca Rossi, 36, in Salerno, Italy Man granted divorce for mother-in-law's nagging A hen-pecked husband has been granted a divorce in Italy because his mother-in-law keeps nagging him. Shopkeeper Luca Rossi, 36, told the court in Salerno that his wife's mother didn't leave him alone throughout four months of marriage. "I'd never believed stories and jokes about mothers-in-law but my marriage was hell and it was all her fault," he said after the hearing. "It was hell right from the moment we said 'I do' at our wedding until the moment we split, just because my mother-in-law interfered in every single thing in our lives. "It was impossible. It led to one argument after another and there was no way a marriage could survive after that." Rossi said he would consider marriage again - but only if he did not have to deal with a mother-in-law. "Next time I'm hoping to find a girl who's an orphan," he added.
A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for his class. He takes out a silver dollar. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," one student calls out. "No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it did, a cheapskate like you wouldn't drop it in!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Denise Re:MailWasher slowing down Dear Webby, I noticed that my MailWasher is getting slower all the time. You wrote something about that at one time, but I didn't have Mailwasher in those days and didn't pay attention. Can you please tell me again? Denise Dear Denise There are three possible causes. 1) You may have a lot of good filters that auto-dump spam unseen. While MailWasher does that out of sight, it still takes time to do it. 2) You may be using the BlackList, and not aging it off. Blacklists and Bouncing have outlived their usefulness. Nowadays spammers never use the same sending address twice, unless they forge your address as the sender. Therefore, there is no point in setting up to automatically add bad stuff to the Blacklist. You can also "age off" the BlackList in a day or two. If a spam sender's address is not repeated within that time frame, it gets dumped. 3) Long bounce list. The ONLY addresses in your bounce list should be certain in-laws and ex lovers. There is no point bouncing spam at faked addresses. That just takes time, and constipates the Internet, because YOUR bounce might bounce back at you. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a co-worker comes up. "Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks. "Sorry," the man says, "I can't." "Why not?" "The doctor tells me I can't play." "Well, we all know that," says the co-worker, "but you'll never get any better at it, if you don't practise!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Old Window Crafts Look for old windows with wood frames at yard sales. They can be made into rustic looking picture frames. Find pictures that are a little smaller than the window and use a matte, which can be found at any craft store, to give it a finished look. Multi-pane windows can be used to frame multiple pictures. Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The teacher asked to use the words "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. said, "The rabbit cut across the field and defeat went over defense before detail."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Creative Hijinx
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Filtering spam by IP number 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 13, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Beauty is only a light switch away. --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. --- Houghton Library
Thanks to Sandie for this Classic: Little Johnny's at it again. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Bill for this I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "I sure did," Susan assured me. "I just fast-forwarded through the slow parts."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of a woodpecker.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Oliver and Angela Kohl, 24, and 23, of Hamm, Germany Sat nav strands honeymoon couple A newlywed couple ended up stuck half-way up a mountain when their sat-nav went wrong on their honeymoon. Oliver Kohl, 24, and bride Angela, 23, were heading to a luxury hotel in the remote village of Willingen, Germany, after their wedding in Hamm, near Dortmund. But they got lost as their sat-nav guided them along a bumpy, unpaved forest road toward a tall mountain. Oliver said: "At one point there was a gate I had to open, and then eventually the road became a muddy swamp and we got stuck fast." The pair tried for hours to get their car out before having to call cops who sent out a rescue team to get them off the side of the 2,755ft mountain. The pair were eventually taken to their honeymoon hotel. A police spokesman said: "It's a wedding night they will never forget."
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allard Re: Forged sender address Dear Webby, Is there a way to eliminate all spam that has an address supposedly from our ISP forged in as the sender? The phony addresses are anything from billing to support and just about any first name in the book, with our ISP's domain after the @. Hope you can figure a solution to that! Allard Dear Allard That is actually quite easy with Mailwasher. Assuming that your ISP's domain name, after the @, is ISP.com an that his IP number is 123.456.789.012, make a filter that specifies If the FROM contains ISP.com ENTIRE HEADER does not contain 123.456.789.012 then delete the mail automatically, unseen. That's all there is to it. Sometimes the most complicated problems have the simplest solution. Have FUN! DearWebby

This was forwarded to me as a true story: I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called "Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins County Beauty Pageant". K

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kitchen Time Saver - Squeeze Bottles Squeeze bottles can be great for condiments in your kitchen. If make your own salad dressing or buy it bulk, you can transfer the dressing to squeeze bottles for easy use. Squeeze bottles also work well for mayonnaise, jelly and many other condiments. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Personally, I prefer to use pumpers, like you get with some shampoos. You can easily operate them with an elbow, if both hands are full or neither of them is clean. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 85 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Rivers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Filter spam with same sender and recipient address 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 12, 2008

We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts. --- John Dewey When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, This is good! One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, This is good! To which the king replied, No, this is NOT good! and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. You were right, he said, it was good that my thumb was blown off. And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this. No, his friend replied, This is good! What do you mean,'This is good' How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year? If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, of Hagerstown, MD Fugitive arrested in prison parking lot HEMPFIELD, Pa. (UPI) -- Police said a man wanted on homicide and other charges in Maryland was arrested in the parking lot of a Hempfield, Pa., prison. Investigators said Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, had driven some friends to Westmoreland County Prison to visit a prisoner Tuesday and remained in the car while they went inside, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Police said guards performed a background check on the man after they told him he could not remain in the parking lot and he refused to cooperate. Prison officials found Franklin had an outstanding warrant for his arrest regarding the Oct. 24 shooting death of Larry Boyce Jr., 36, in Hagerstown, Md. Franklin is being held at the Westmoreland County Prison pending an extradition hearing.
In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his butt barkin ever since."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Oliver Re: Spam with same sender and recipient address Dear Webby, How do I get rid of the nuisance MSN spam that forges my address as the sender address? I do occasionally send excerpts of mails to myself and so can't blacklist myself. I use Mailwasher to clean my mail. It works great but I can't figure out how to tell it when my address is forged. Oliver Dear Oliver The easiest way to do that is to put a code word into the Subject line, for example "ARQ08" Then make a filter that specifies that all mail that CONTAINS your address in the FROM field AND DOESN'T CONTAIN "ARQ08" in the SUBJECT is trashed, automatically, unseen. If you accidentally forget to add your secret code word, that's no big deal. Just re-send it WITH the code word. There is a fringe benefit to that method. Once you have received that mail, you can automatically filter it into, for example, the ARCHIVE-2008 box. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Use Small Sized Post-Its Small post-it-notes are more economical than larger sizes. I bought 2 packs for $1 at a dollar store. I now have 400 small post-its. This size is perfect for small reminders to myself and I am not wasting the larger ones or worse yet, having to cut them into strips because I don't want to waste them. Visit ThriftyFun For More Memory Tricks http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Me ... 9_691.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sweet young lady thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "Ninteen fifty six," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty-fourteen now."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: USPS
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Remembrance Day / Veterans Day 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 11, 2008
Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans Day in the US
Armistice Day in the UK

Pittance Of Time

Canada honors the veterans on the $10 bill
Veteran on $10


Thanks to Sandie for this story: When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed Send. His mother answered and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said. "You left your cell phone at the corner store."
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dennis Cullen, 23, in Hellertown, Pennsylvania. Drunk Parking A US couple have been arrested after having sex in their car - in a disabled space outside a police station. The couple told officers they were unaware where they had parked, reports the Morning Call newspaper. They hadn't noticed several marked police cars in the other parking spaces nearby. They were outside the main police station in Hellertown, Pennsylvania, with the engine running in the early hours of the morning when a police officer tapped on the windscreen. Dennis Cullen, 23, and his female companion, who has not been named, told police they had been drinking at a university function earlier in the evening. After they looked at his companion, Cullen was charged with drunk driving. Neither he nor his companion were charged in connection with having sex in the car. Reminds me of this little video: Scottish DUI test
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tanya Re: Remembrance Day Services Dear Webby, Could you please tell me when the Remembrance Day Services start on Nov 11? Thanks, Tanya Dear Tanya Remembrance Day is observation starts on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, and starts with two minutes of silent remembrance. The same goes for Veterans Day. To alert shoppers and workers that it is time for the silent remembrance, many places play "Taps", "Pittance Of Time", or other appropriate music. Have FUN! DearWebby

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Smoke-free Items Online When buying clothing, stuffed animals or books on auction websites, make sure that the items have been in a smoke-free environment. If it's not stated in the auction description, be sure to ask the seller directly. Cigarette smoke odors can be difficult to remove, especially from stuffed toys and books. Visit ThriftyFun For More Internet Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_Int ... _5877.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Veterans of Foreigh Wars
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Misleading subject lines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 10, 2008

Tomorrow is Veterans Day
If you have any suitable jokes or pictures, please send them 
to me early in the day.


"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone" --- Bjarne Stronstrup
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?" "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?" Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

Goadster, Buckethead, and Graahound were all locked away in the Armstrong Mental Institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform. The doctor motions to Goadster. "Jump." Without hesitation, Goadster leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Buckethead, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Buckethead flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Graahound, "Jump." Graahound shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Hound. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" Graahound says, "I can't swim."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Rosenberg, 18, Los Gatos, California Dopey teen causes expensive search SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) -- A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured baby lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs. Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost. But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently used hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly also LSD, and just "thought" his leg was broken. Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000. The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold onto your nuts, we're taking off".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eleanore Re: Misleading subject lines Dear Webby, When I get mail advertising stuff, it often has misleading subject lines. Is that just an honest mistake, or a problem? Eleanore Dear Eleanore That is not a mistake at all, but sucker-bait on purpose. Just trash it. The rest of those mails is just as phony and you will never get your money's worth through them. The same goes for mails that have your address forged in as the sender address. Guaranteed Scam! Trash them. Have FUN! DearWebby

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Credit Reports Online You can get access your credit report from the three major credit reporting companies for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. Equifax, Experian and TransUnion are required by law to give you access to your credit report once a year for free. Be careful that you don't sign up for them watching your credit. It can cost 19.95 a month or more and is automatically deducted. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Rating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_453.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Mysterious shut-downs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 9, 2008

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Thanks to Wendy for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, of Rostraver, Pa. Drunk glider pilot gets curfew ROSTRAVER, Pa. (UPI) -- A Rostraver, Pa., man charged with drunkenly flying a motorized glider has been given a 10 p.m. curfew by a judge. West Newton District Judge Charles Christner ordered Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, to refrain from drugs and alcohol, undergo a mental health evaluation and be in his home by 10 p.m. every night after Tokar waived his right to a preliminary hearing on charges of reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Tokar is accused of flying his motorized glider as low as 10 feet over Willowbrook Golf Course Aug. 19 while shouting and spitting at golfers, police said. Witnesses also reported Tokar flying dangerously low over a field where children were playing soccer before he crashed his glider into cable lines at the golf course. Tokar was critically injured in the crash and a witness, James Troutman, was injured in his left leg. Police said Tokar was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.151 percent -- well over the legal limit for intoxication, 0.08 percent -- and had taken benzodiazepines before the incident. Tokar was ordered to avoid all contact with the alleged victims.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Mysterious shutdowns Dear Webby, my computer would not turn on October 29th and I had to try many times to finally get it on and then it would shut down on me. I called a tech (never had him before as we are in the country and I don't know who to ask.) He took all my disks and reloaded Windows etc. and lost so much of my things!!! Even now, I can type for a few minutes and then it shuts down on me. Does this sound like a problem I should call Dell about? (I have a laptop). Thank you and hope I get some help so I can stay online! I always trust you and wish you were here to help me! Carolyn Dear Carolyn That sounds like you got infected with SP3. Call DELL support. Don't deal with idiots who lose your stuff, except maybe to sue the dumb bastids. Anybody with the brains of a rutabega (very dense turnip) first backs up all docs, spreadsheets, pictures, recipes, mails, etc. onto CD or DVD, or onto the web, and THEN messes with in the drive. Before calling Dell, make a log of all that happened with the machine. Also, use the Belarc Advisor from my tool box and print out a complete inventory of your machine. It does that for both hardware and software. Read that inventory a few times and highlight chapter headings, so that you can find them fast, if needed, while on the phone with Dell. Dell's support techs usually speak fairly good English and they seem to know their stuff. Make sure that your phone is fully charged! They seem to be getting paid by the minute they spend with you, and like stretching things out. So, use a land line, not a cell phone, and if possible, a head-set. Have FUN! DearWebby

New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. Visit ThriftyFun For More Painting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_611.html Items that are difficult to mask, like for example ornate door hinges, can be protected by painting them with melted butter first. Unlike vaseline and other paint resitors, it does not mix with the paint, and is usually easily available. When the paint is dry, you can sponge it off with hot dishwater. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter Caring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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