Dear Webby: Misleading subject lines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 10, 2008

Tomorrow is Veterans Day
If you have any suitable jokes or pictures, please send them 
to me early in the day.


"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone" --- Bjarne Stronstrup
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?" "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?" Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

Goadster, Buckethead, and Graahound were all locked away in the Armstrong Mental Institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform. The doctor motions to Goadster. "Jump." Without hesitation, Goadster leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Buckethead, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Buckethead flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Graahound, "Jump." Graahound shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Hound. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" Graahound says, "I can't swim."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Rosenberg, 18, Los Gatos, California Dopey teen causes expensive search SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) -- A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured baby lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs. Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost. But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently used hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly also LSD, and just "thought" his leg was broken. Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000. The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold onto your nuts, we're taking off".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eleanore Re: Misleading subject lines Dear Webby, When I get mail advertising stuff, it often has misleading subject lines. Is that just an honest mistake, or a problem? Eleanore Dear Eleanore That is not a mistake at all, but sucker-bait on purpose. Just trash it. The rest of those mails is just as phony and you will never get your money's worth through them. The same goes for mails that have your address forged in as the sender address. Guaranteed Scam! Trash them. Have FUN! DearWebby

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Credit Reports Online You can get access your credit report from the three major credit reporting companies for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. Equifax, Experian and TransUnion are required by law to give you access to your credit report once a year for free. Be careful that you don't sign up for them watching your credit. It can cost 19.95 a month or more and is automatically deducted. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Rating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_453.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Mysterious shut-downs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 9, 2008

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Thanks to Wendy for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, of Rostraver, Pa. Drunk glider pilot gets curfew ROSTRAVER, Pa. (UPI) -- A Rostraver, Pa., man charged with drunkenly flying a motorized glider has been given a 10 p.m. curfew by a judge. West Newton District Judge Charles Christner ordered Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, to refrain from drugs and alcohol, undergo a mental health evaluation and be in his home by 10 p.m. every night after Tokar waived his right to a preliminary hearing on charges of reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Tokar is accused of flying his motorized glider as low as 10 feet over Willowbrook Golf Course Aug. 19 while shouting and spitting at golfers, police said. Witnesses also reported Tokar flying dangerously low over a field where children were playing soccer before he crashed his glider into cable lines at the golf course. Tokar was critically injured in the crash and a witness, James Troutman, was injured in his left leg. Police said Tokar was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.151 percent -- well over the legal limit for intoxication, 0.08 percent -- and had taken benzodiazepines before the incident. Tokar was ordered to avoid all contact with the alleged victims.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Mysterious shutdowns Dear Webby, my computer would not turn on October 29th and I had to try many times to finally get it on and then it would shut down on me. I called a tech (never had him before as we are in the country and I don't know who to ask.) He took all my disks and reloaded Windows etc. and lost so much of my things!!! Even now, I can type for a few minutes and then it shuts down on me. Does this sound like a problem I should call Dell about? (I have a laptop). Thank you and hope I get some help so I can stay online! I always trust you and wish you were here to help me! Carolyn Dear Carolyn That sounds like you got infected with SP3. Call DELL support. Don't deal with idiots who lose your stuff, except maybe to sue the dumb bastids. Anybody with the brains of a rutabega (very dense turnip) first backs up all docs, spreadsheets, pictures, recipes, mails, etc. onto CD or DVD, or onto the web, and THEN messes with in the drive. Before calling Dell, make a log of all that happened with the machine. Also, use the Belarc Advisor from my tool box and print out a complete inventory of your machine. It does that for both hardware and software. Read that inventory a few times and highlight chapter headings, so that you can find them fast, if needed, while on the phone with Dell. Dell's support techs usually speak fairly good English and they seem to know their stuff. Make sure that your phone is fully charged! They seem to be getting paid by the minute they spend with you, and like stretching things out. So, use a land line, not a cell phone, and if possible, a head-set. Have FUN! DearWebby

New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. Visit ThriftyFun For More Painting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_611.html Items that are difficult to mask, like for example ornate door hinges, can be protected by painting them with melted butter first. Unlike vaseline and other paint resitors, it does not mix with the paint, and is usually easily available. When the paint is dry, you can sponge it off with hot dishwater. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter Caring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, what does a registry fixer do? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 8, 2008

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel Money is the most envied, but the least enjoyed. Health is the most enjoyed, but the least envied. --- Charles Caleb Colton
Thanks to Roland for this story: Case Closed Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Here is a cute classic that brings a smile every time: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
Thanks to Ann for her ocean sunset picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Too dumb to drive Train shuts toilets to avoid stopping GAVLE, Sweden (UPI) -- A train conductor in Sweden said he was forced to shut down the toilets because too much flushing could stop the train. The toilets on the run between Borlange and Gavle were shut off Sunday because of a high number of passengers and, therefore, the potential for a high number of flushings, the Arbetarbladet newspaper reported. The compressor that triggers the train's emergency brake is connected to systems that control the toilets, said Mats Gustavsson, a technician with the Bergslagen train line, the Swedish news agency tt reported. If the pressure drops below a certain level, the emergency brakes trigger automatically, Gustavsson said, noting it literally is possible to "flush on the emergency brake." Engineer Hans Kaplan, one of the passengers inconvenienced by the shutdown, called the situation "completely nuts. There has to be a mistake in the construction," he said. ------------ In case you are not familiar with how brakes on trains work: They are applied by very powerful springs, and held off by air pressure, just like on trucks and buses. To activate them, air pressure is allowed to drop by bleeding it off. However, normally the utility air and the brake air is in different lines, each with it's own reservoir tanks, with valves ensuring that one system does not affect the other. I would imagine somebody is going to get severely yelled at for making unsafe shortcuts!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? " The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Registry fixer ? Dear Webby, Would you be so kind as to tell me what the Registry Booster will do for me, and explain it in layman terms: Roland Dear Roland The registry records where programs are located, which program to use for what type of file, and so on. Basically a Grannie's cheat sheet. "Christmas wreaths are in hubby's closet, top shelf. Need stepladder to get them down." Because of the way Windows was built, obsolete entries are not always cleaned out. That entry about the Christmas wreaths from 7 years ago might still be there, even though Grannie switched to electric Christmas lights 6 years ago. It might say further down, that the lights are in the garage. But first Grannie gets sent to haul the stepladder to hubby's closet, where she remembers that she sold the wreaths on eBay six years ago. Naturally, that kind of clutter slows things down. A good registry fixer like Registry Booster backs up the registry, sorts out the clutter and dumps anything that is obsolete. On a machine that is a year old or older, that makes quite a noticeable difference in speed. It also reduces hang-ups and crashes, because Windows doesn't get lost in the wrong closets any more. It's not a "Buy this or die!" situation. If you are never in a hurry, you can putter along without a registry fixer for many years, and just gradually get used to the ol klunker getting slower every year. Personally, I like fast machines, and I need reliable machines, so I use the Registry Booster When I pay X amount of dollars for a certain speed, I demand that the machine runs at that speed even after 3-4 years. Have FUN! DearWebby

A guy found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Return Policies Before purchasing something, check their return policies. Most stores have restocking fees for opened items and some items like software cannot be returned if opened. Also, some stores only accept returns of certain types of items, like electronics, for anywhere from 7 to 30 days after purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _6425.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

*Toddler Diet* Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mid Air
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Registry Fixer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 7, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. --- Napoleon Bonaparte An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. --- G. K. Chesterton
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift." "No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator." "Well, over here, we call them lifts." "Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the English language."
Thanks to Jai for this picture of her Bradford pear tree:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, in Bialystok, Poland Too dumb to drive A Polish motorist lost his licence after he drove to a police station to ask officers if he was too drunk to drive. Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, was breathalysed, arrested and charged following the incident in Bialystok in north east Poland. A police spokesman said: "He had been out drinking with friends and at the end of the night wasn't sure if he was over the limit or not and wanted to find a policeman to ask. "Unfortunately he decided the nearest station was too far for him to walk and so he drove there. "Officers did a breath test and found he was over the drunk drive limit. He was arrested and was stripped of his licence."
Thanks to Darlene for this Classic: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: Registry fixer Dear Webby, today I went looking thru your Tools page to find a good registry cleaner because I trust your recommendations wholeheartedly and have always been pleased with your advice. However, I was unable to find a tool for cleaning the registry.(Maybe I overlooked it, I'm OLD ya know!LOL) I have Registry Defender right now...trouble is they will only fix 20 at a time and according to them I have about a thousand that need fixing. Can you recommend a good one? Even if it's not free that's ok. I'm really worried that this problem could do some damage to my pc. Thanks in advance, Patti Dear Patti The ONLY registry fixer that I can recommend wholeheartedly is Registry Booster It doesn't show fake "errors", but fixes all real ones without any fuss. I finally put the link into my tool box now. Thanks for reminding me! Have FUN! DearWebby

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Oatmeal Face Scrub Make a paste with oatmeal and water and apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse your face with warm water. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Recipes Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Soldier Memorial Project
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internal Server Error 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 6, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work. --- Will Rogers The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. --- Havelock Ellis
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
Thanks to Vicky for this story: A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely lady. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because the neighbor has a pair like that. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once, because the color reminded you of somebody in highschool. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Boulder, Colorado Sniveling Ninnies Streakers cited in 'Naked Pumpkin Run' BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- Police say the ticket tally from this year's "Naked Pumpkin Run" through Boulder, Colo., reached an even dozen. The (Boulder) Daily Camera said police turned up the pressure on the annual Halloween event in which streakers sprint down Pearl Street wearing nothing but Jack-o-Lanterns on their heads. The newspaper said participants have rarely been cited in the event's 10-year history, but Police Chief Mark Beckner said its growing popularity was raising concerns. "We wanted to do something before (the event) got out of hand," he said. "This was a good opportunity to enforce the law." The chief told KMGH-TV in Denver the fact that Halloween fell on a Friday this year was cause for concern. Residents told the Daily Camera they felt police resources would have been better spent on real criminal activity. --------------- It won't become a tourist attraction unless there are at least 100 Pumpkin runners.
Thanks to Ella for this story: While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring. "I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked. "Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the dog!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Internal Server Error Dear Webby: I really enjoy your site.It is the first one I open every day. I have a question I hope you can answer for me.I am not very good at solving computer problems or if I am the cause of them in the first place.Lately my computer says I have a internal error. Sites file is missing or corrupted.To correct this error import a new site file.I have no clue as how to do this.Can you help me out. Thanks Jan Dear Jan "Internal Server Error" is a problem on the site you are visiting. For example, if you are sending a postcard, and you copy the recipient's address from an email, but accidentally also copy a blank space before or after it, you will get an Internal Server Error, because the postcard site can't deal with a wonky address. "Sites file is missing or corrupted" is a typical error message from Lavasoft's AdAware program, after it had gotten damaged by a virus, trojan or spyware. Other programs might possibly use the same error message, but AdAware is the most typical. If you have that program, contact their support for a new sites file. Have FUN! DearWebby

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Ice Off Your Windshield Use an old set of car floor mats to cover your car's windshield in the evening and you won't have any ice to scrape in the morning. Carpet remnants also work. Visit ThriftyFun For More Winter Driving Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Winter%2 ... 6_157.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The other day I saw this story about chickens in a magazine. Did you know they have yellow eyes? True. And now some clever person has come up with an idea to fit the chickens with red contact lenses. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the guy who came up with the idea said it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop hen pecking so much. Of course, once word of this gets around, rose colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Idle Fingers Time
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Dear Webby: Flexible keyboard 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 5, 2008

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. --- Tom Stoppard Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. --- Tallulah Bankhead
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from the Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be. "Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Conrad Torres, 51 of Bakersfield, California near suicidal bravery When two 17-year-old girls hopped into his truck and tried to drive off Monday night, Conrad Torres, 51, jumped in the bed, thinking he could stop them. They took off, reaching 85 miles per hour with Torres in the back. He managed to break the rear window and stick his head in the cab, but one girl hit him in the head with a baseball bat. They started swerving the truck, trying to throw him out. “I was just praying that nobody would hit us,” Torres said. A California Highway Patrol officer pursued them. Eventually, the girls took a turn badly, hit a telephone pole and rolled the truck at East Belle Terrace and Madison Street. Torres was thrown out of the back and hit his back on the pole. The girls were arrested on suspicion of carjacking, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon and car theft, Officer Greg Williams said. The girls were identified as Lizet Cuellar and Rosanna Contreras of Bakersfield, the Kern County Probation Department said. They are in Juvenile Hall pending a review of the case by the District Attorney’s office, a probation officer said. It began at 10:15 p.m. at P Street and Ming Avenue where Torres backed his Ford F250 pickup out of a work site, Williams said. He left the truck running as he went to close a gate. The girls jumped in and locked the doors, Williams said. Torres climbed into the bed and began to pound on the back window. As the truck was going north on P Street, a CHP cruiser spotted the commotion. The officer saw Torres banging on the back window and one of the girls hitting him with a club. The officer backed off the chase because it got too dangerous, and a short time later the truck overturned, Williams said. “Even when you’re right there, it’s not a good idea to leave a vehicle running,” Williams said.
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Flexible Keyboard Dear Webby I travel extensively with a laptop/portable and HATE the keyboards. Also a lot of the stuff I do is in "difficult" environments in one way or the other. They plug in via USB, very simple. I have found the flexible keyboards (available all over now) to be just wonderful. They roll up to a wee package for shipping, handle any surface without sliding around, and the occasional spill (eg turbulence on flight) doesn't affect at all. I have had a wee bit of problem with other people thinking they need the thing more than me, but since I changed to bright pink colour this problem has gone away! What I would like to know, if you or readers can help: is there an equivalent "rubber" mouse/touchpad, as the touchpad on portable not my favourite either! Regards, Robert BC Dear Robert My fix for the moronic touch pad is to cut a piece of plastic from a flat bottle to precisely fit into the touchpad slot.. On the once every 7 year occasion, when I don't want to unpack the keyboard and mouse, I pull the plastic out. For regular usage, I use the same optical 5 button Intellimouse Explorer as on the desktop. It works fine on hotel beds, truck tail gates, just about anything except mirrors. I use the cheap corded type, not the heavy wireless type, that requires you to also carry the transmitter for it. If you don't do fine graphics, you can use a track-ball. They make some really small ones too, and some people claim they like them. The main advantage of the track-balls is in cramped aircraft seats. While my mouse works fine on my hairy legs, that takes the hand too far away from the keyboard. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Rick for this classic: *Possessed Computer?* For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing "Permanent" Creases from Clothing White vinegar can be effective for removing permanent creases on types of clothing like washable slacks and jeans. Apply white vinegar liberally to the crease and then press with a warm iron. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rainbows Fall
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Keyboard for laptop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 4, 2008

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --- Hubert H. Humphrey God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ---Voltaire
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Cause she is sitting in the classroom smelling my fart, while she put me outside in this beautiful, clean air and sunshine."
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheena McMillan in Plymouth, England Nurse's 'naughty knickers' were on eBay, with her hospital address LONDON (UPI) -- A British nurse who used her hospital e-mail address to sell her underwear on eBay could be barred from hospital premises, officials said. Sheena McMillan's side business came to the attention of authorities at Derriford Hospital in Plymouth when an automatic alert system picked up an e-mail headlined "Naughty Knicks," The Sun reported. That was a reference to the British term for panties, knickers. The business was clearly catering to sexual fetishists, since McMillan offered clean underwear for 20 pounds ($32) and dirty underwear for 23 pounds ($37). The Nursing and Midwifery Council heard testimony Tuesday on McMillan's business. Sarah Page, speaking for the council, said that the messages were clearly inappropriate and that eBay bidders would have realized that the knickers were being sold by a registered nurse. The council referred the case to its health committee. McMillan, who was not at the hearing, argues that whatever she did has nothing to do with her ability to carry out her duties as a staff nurse. ------------------------------------- McMillan seems to fail to realize that using the employer's email system on company time for private business is not allowed anywhere, and it would not have made a difference if she had been selling bibles.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Keyboard for laptop Dear Webby Laptop keyboards don't seem to last around here, and aside from being slow and hurting my wrists, they break down and keys on them die. What solution have you got? Thanks Irene Dear Irene I sympathise with you! Laptop keyboards don't seem to be made for Western grown-ups typing at full speed. Keyboard technology has deteriorated over the years. Just like visiting the moon is a lost technology, so are the 160 word per minute electric typewriter keyboards of the 60's and 70's. The declne started when IBM moved the function keys from the left, where God intended them to be, up to the top. From there on it's all been downhill. The best you can do nowadays is get a fast 17" commercial grade keyboard. At 17" it will fit into an 18" carry-on or most decent laptop cases. I have carried one along since 1995. When sopmebody snickers, I have the last laugh. It's MY wrists and fingers that applaud. Commercial grade keyboards are surrisingly cheap. I use the $10 keyboards from Dalco.com They have the standard inverted T formation for the arrow keys, Insert, delete, Home and End are where you expect them. To make them perfect I pry off the CAPS LOCK, (and glue it onto somebody's fax machine), and I glue the eraser rubber from a pencil onto the MUTE button. That way I can just whack the general area to shut off the noise from pages that try to shove unwanted sound effects at me. Have FUN! DearWebby

Keli from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Keli is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." After some deliberation, Keli said: "I think I prefer males".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spend Less for Convenience If you find you eat fast food regularly because you don't have time to cook, try to find some packaged convenience dinners that you like and keep them stocked in the freezer. The quality of convenience dinners has improved, tend to cost half what a meal at a fast food restaurant and can be even cheaper if you use a coupon or buy on sale. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. "So I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wunder Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, is it safe to dump MSN? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 3, 2008

Children are all foreigners. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming. --- Don Delillo
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aide. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art." "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve-thirty."
Alien tourists
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jakob Kauder, Germany Luxury yacht goes for $32 after auction gaffe A yachtsman has been forced to hand over his luxury boat - after selling it on an internet auction website for less than £20. The all-at-sea sailor hoped to get up to $16,000 for the 20ft yacht but forgot to set a minimum price. But after trying to cancel the sale on the AllesAuktion.de website Jakob Kauder was taken to court by the winning bidder in Cologne, Germany. Judges ruled that the auction was legal and Kauder had to complete the sale. Court spokesman Hubertus Nolte said: "The standard laws of business transactions also apply to internet auctions."
Two hunters in 'Bama were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" The other added "Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Louis Re: Can I dump MSN? Dear Webby Webby, you've probably heard that MSN is deleting groupsites and allowing an unknown "Multiply" to take over...any ideas or suggestions? Can I drop Microsoft all together and stay with google? Will I still need Internet Explorer to open my computer? You've always kept me informed, please, do it again and thanks for your website. Louis Dear Louis There is absolutely no need for MSN. You can use gmail and you can do your personal and business chat on Skype. Internet Explorer is just a browser. It doesn't open the computer. If you are down by the bayou, where they don't have DSL or cable, and need a program to tell the computer, that it's time to dial up, ANY Internet program will do that. ANY browser, like FireFox, Google Chrome, Opera, etc. will do that just fine. Of course, Internet Explorer will do that too. You can set the browser home page to whatever you want. It does NOT have to be MSN. You can, for example, set the Home page on Google Chrome to Google and customize it for weather, stock market, currency exchange, and financial markets. Then beside that, you can use FireFox and make the FireFox HOME the Humor Letter. And in Opera, you can make AccuRadio Country Channel the HOME. That way, when you hit the Opera icon, the Internet radio starts. Those are just examples. You can set the HOME page in any browser to whatever you fell like, whether it is a religious site or a fun site. Have FUN! DearWebby

This beautiful young babe walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, whatever, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Covered coat hangers Cut or rip old sheets or clothing. that does not have any color that might bleed, into narrow strips. Glue three of them onto the hook stem and let the glue dry. Then braid the three ribbons over the wire. Shorter ribbons will speed up the braiding tremendously. You can always sew or speed-sew on the next length. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wicked Willie's Chain Letter This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping, REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 B. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jeff Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willem Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Wilhelm Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billy Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Will Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Willie Clinton _____________________________________ Yeah, I know it's an old hoax and just like all chain letters, does not work. Yes, ALL chain letters. Subscriber Eric asked me to write another rant about chain letters. Worst are the tear jerker chain letters, promising that for every forward, somebody would donate a penny to some wacky cause. The truth is that absolutely NOBODY will donate a dry fart to the fictitious cause mentioned in that chain letter. Those chain letters are simply attempts by a few crooks to find the most gullible goofs on the net. If somebody is so gullible that they think forwarding an email will help a dying girl in Hogwashistan, then they are probably gullible enough to buy new and improved snake-oil from spam. That's right. If you forward chain letters, you get added to spam lists. After all, you HAVE proved that you are gullible. Here is a chainletter page I put up in 1994: THE FERTILIZER CLUB Feel free to print it for the company bulletin board! Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tiger Sprout's Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Google tool bar for ME 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 2, 2008

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. --- Doug Larson In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. --- Mogens Jallberg
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask ?" "Well son, who do you think washed those shirts?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Whaaat? Not now, I'm busy!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Swansea, England council Auto-responder ends up on road sign When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed. So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Google Tool Bar for ME Dear Webby I have google for my homepage and had the google tool bar. I really liked it as it has so many nice features. All of a sudden the tool bar is gone and I cannot re-install it. I have Windows ME. It tells me I need explorer 7 , but cannot download that because of ME. Is there any way I can get the tool bar back? Rose Dear Rose I don't use IE7, actually I am quite fanatic about blocking it. You can download the Google Tool Bar for ME from here: Google Tool Bar for ME You might also try installing FireFox. It will probably work better for you than IE. Have FUN! DearWebby

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Candy recycling! Save your M and M tubes to make recycled art. My son won a contest at the library for his aluminum ant friend he created. We used silver spray paint and some pipe cleaners and paper clips for wings. These tubes have many uses. My son carries one in his lunch box to hold his change for milk etc. They are great for beads too. You can always refill them with M and M's! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dining IN
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Back Web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 1, 2008

Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." --- Victor Frankl
Thanks to Roland for this story: The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Thanks to Lillemor for this announcement: Fellow Business Owners As a Business owner who employs 70 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next President, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, I figure that the customers will have to suffer an increase in my fees to them of about 8%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me, as I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did. I strolled through the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars, and took careful note of them. These folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. Lillemor

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 26 year old Frenchman Arm stuck in toilet delays train A Frenchman caused a two-hour train delay when he got his arm stuck down a toilet while trying to retrieve his mobile phone. The man had to be cut free after putting his arm down the toilet in a bid to get back his dropped phone, reports the Daily Telegraph. The 26-year-old passenger's arm became trapped up to the shoulder by the powerful suction flushing system on board the high-speed TGV train from Paris to La Rochelle. Firefighters took more than an hour to free the man, before lifting him from the train on a stretcher with the entire toilet still stuck to his arm. A fire spokesman said: "He was cut free from the toilet on the platform and apart from suffering bruising and smelling a bit, he suffered no other injuries."
Earl says he used to yearn for a pretty woman..... now the "Y" is silent"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: BackWeb Dear Webby for some reason I am getting a Windows Security Alert that it is blocking "Back Web-7288971" Any idea what that is and if I should allow it? Thanks as always.... Happy Halloweeen..... Ann Dear Ann The REAL Back Web-7288971 is the update checker for Kodak Easyshare. That one is OK. However, there are also some trojans using that name. The easiest way to make sure you got a genuine Back Web-7288971, apparently seems to be to un-install Kodak programs and re-installing them. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Working With Glitter If you are working with glitter or other small material for crafts, be sure to put down a piece of newspaper before you start working. Then when you are done, you can form the newspaper into a funnel and pour the extra back into the glitter container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There is a new study out about women. thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cat Chat
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: BackUp Service 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween!

Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. --- Franklin P. Jones There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness. --- Franz Kafka
Here is an old classic: Trick or Treating By Astrological Sign Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If I decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tony Van, 37, in San Francisco Sent in by Cookie Calif. man drives stolen SUV to court October 29, 2008 Tony Van, a 37-year-old hairstylist from San Francisco, was out on bail Friday afternoon as jurors weighed his fate in San Rafael. He had been charged with possessing a San Anselmo resident's cherry-red, 2008 Porsche Carrera worth $125,000. In the courthouse parking lot at the Marin County Civic Center, prosecutors said, a parallel drama unfolded when 7 puppies in a 2005 Lexus SUV apparently grew tired of baking in the sun and escaped out a window. Police were attracted to the SUV after bystanders noticed several pups mulling around it. After county employees scooped up the Yorkshire Terrier-Maltese hybrids, sheriff's deputies ran the license plate and found that the Lexus had been stolen in San Francisco. The man was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. The escaped dogs, and a few newborns still in the SUV, were OK and were taken to a Humane Society shelter. It's unclear whose dogs they are, but they do not belong to the SUV owner Van also had a laptop computer that had been swiped in a San Francisco auto burglary, Mievis said. Meanwhile, he was convicted in the other case. He was charged with possession of a $125,000 Porsche Carrera that had been stolen from a San Anselmo home, and his bail was raised from $10,000 to $250,000.
From Anna I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean. I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden. I asked God for a friend, He gave me YOU All! Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour???
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erno Re: Back-Up Service Dear Webby We have about 6 GB that I want backed up once a month. A consultant told us that they could do it for $500 a year, but we would need a high speed Internet connection. Out here that is currently not an option. What do you recommend? Erno Dear Erno Get yourself a couple of cheap 80 GB hard drives, like for about $50 - $60 each, and a shirt pocket USB hard drive enclosure for about $10 and a rubber band. You can take the tiny screws out of the drive enclosure, and just use the rubber band to hold it together. Then you stick one of the drives into the enclosure, plug it into a USB port, and your computer will see it as another hard drive. Make 12 folders on it, and name them after the months of the year. Now you simply drag the stuff that is to be backed up into the folder of the current month. You can even write a DOS bat to do that, and make a cute icon for it. Then your grand-daughter can do the back-ups for you. Next morning you stick that drive into your shirt pocket, drop it off at your safety deposit box and pick up the other one for a mid-month back-up. Any alternate safe place, like a locked small ammo box behind the dog house, will work just as well. If the box is 3" x 4" x 1/2 inch thick, it's big enough. A kayaker's stainless steel shirt pocket cigarette case will work fine too. You will wind up with twelve month-end back-ups on one drive and twelve mid-month back-ups on the other. Have FUN! DearWebby

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Safety Keep visibility in mind when buying or making costumes. Bright fabrics are best. Decorate costumes with reflective tape (available in hardware, bicycle, and sporting goods stores) that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks should also be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Halloween Safety Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf315374.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Improving Your Memory
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 30, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing. --- Evan Esar, Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing. --- Wernher von Braun
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the six o'clock hockey game."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Niko National Park, Japan Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North out my office window.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to parents of a 7 year old crook in Georgsmarienhuette, Germany Tiny Crook's crimewave A seven-year-old went on a mini crimewave in a shopping centre in Germany - using a go-kart as his getaway car. First the boy pinched a playmate's dad's 500cc motorised kart and raced round to the local mall in Georgsmarienhuette, north west Germany. Then he went on a three hour shoplifting spree loading a trailer with toys before one victim called the police. "It's amazing he got away with for so long. Maybe he was so small he slipped under the CCTV," said one shopper.
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir." answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandy Re: Windows 7 Dear Webby I heard that Microsoft showed a Beta of Windows 7. What's the story? Did they see the light, or is it just more dumpster- ware? What's the direction for Commerce and Industry? Sandy Dear Sandy As usual, they missed the point and painted themselves further into the corner. The main problem seems to be nerdification. They read the reviews written by overpaid magazine staff nerds, who have never paid for their own machine, and who have never used an average computer for average work, but who are harangued and hyped by the magazine's advertising department. The majority does not pay attention to the magazine's staff nerds, who are totally out of touch with reality. The majority is not interested in $5000 quads with 4 noisy fans. They just want a quiet $500 computer that is good enough for doing the daily work. Windows 7 goes in the opposite direction. It's Vista with new and improved and additional hi-tech duck tape, and it needs a 64 bit CPU and software to help it wheeze out of the garage. For Commerce and Industry there is no change from what I recommended in spring: Stick with XP-SP2, continue migrating to Open Office, and specify new machines with Linux pre-installed. For WORK, there is no need for Vista or Windows7. Once your staff has upgraded to Open Office, about the only thing they will notice of the switch to Linux, is much faster boot-up, no more stalls and crashes, and a lot less waiting. Because Dell and others in their league are reluctant to pass on the savings of Linux machines, Vista and Windows 7 will be a big boost for local clone builders, if they can bundle the same neighborly support for Linux, as we did for DOS in the 80's and Windows 3 in the early 90's. Wouldn't YOU rather have a fast and reliable Linux machine with friendly local support, than slow dumpster-ware with Microsoft style Taliban support? For me, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place. "It's great!" he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom still has to sleep with dad."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com X-Ray Machine Costume Paint the rib cage of a skeleton on a black t-shirt. Cut out the bottom of a cardboard box and three holes for your arms and head. Then cut a square hole in the front so the bones can be seen. Paint the box to look like an x-ray machine. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nature on a rampage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Adjust Windows slide show settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 29, 2008

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. --- Mark Twain If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you. --- Don Marquis
The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl that he was seeing a therapist. "That's nothing." she replied. "I'm seeing a therapist, two engineers, a plumber and a doctor."
081028-18:23pm WEST 081028-18:47pm WEST 081028-18:47pm NORTH Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North, showing the transition between the last two of the above pictures.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bryan Perez, 22, Washington, DC Brothel Robber Leaves His Thumb Behind WASHINGTON | Police say a man suspected in an armed robbery at an alleged brothel in Washington's Columbia Heights neighborhood left some evidence at the scene: his thumb. Police say 22-year-old Bryan Perez and an accomplice made off with hundreds of dollars in cash in the Oct. 11 raid. According to charging documents, one of the victims took control of Perez's silver machete and hacked off his right thumb. About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered Perez went to an emergency room. Police caught up with him and brought the severed thumb to the hospital. According to an arrest affidavit, a doctor told police the thumb "fits like a puzzle piece." Perez was transferred to a Baltimore hospital to have it reattached. On Tuesday, a judge ordered the Hyattsville, Md., man held without bond. http://www.theledger.com/article/200810 ... /810230283
Thanks to Mike for this: I tried this with my wife and it backfired... I guess it's only true with men... Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to communicate with you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Captn Chaos Re: Slide show screen saver settings Dear Webby Good morning Webby and trust it is not too cold in Alberta yet. On slide show mode, is there any way to slow down or speed up the advancement of pictures like for screensaver pictures? The pictures advance about every 4-5 seconds and I would like to make them in view longer. I have looked everywhere, I think, for settings on this to no avail and I am sure that if there is a spot to change that setting, you will have the answer. Thanks and best regards from Ontario Captn Chaos Dear Captn Chaos You need TweakUI XP Power Toys for that: Tweak UI Have FUN! DearWebby

Father teaching his daughter to drive: "Stop on red, go on green, and slow down when I turn purple."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pillow Case for Trick or Treat Bag A white pillow case (or any old one will do) works really well for trick or treating. It holds lots of candy, won't tear and can be seen by motorists when most costumes are dark. They can be decorated to look more festive. For shorter children, they could be cut down shorter or folded inward to half the size. - Candy Trick or Treating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf11704556.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Truly Moving Movies
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Choosing a spreadsheet 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 28, 2008

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' --- Theodore Roosevelt Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. --- Socratex
Thanks to Linda for this one: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Auburn." And they say blondes are dumb!!!
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Radium Hot Springs, BC, Canada
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a couple in Italy Sent in by Deeli No wacky naming in Italy ROME (UPI) -- A court in Italy ruled Wednesday that a couple cannot name their son Venerdi, which means Friday. Italy's supreme court, the Cassation Court, said the name Friday, which is taken from the famous Robinson Crusoe character, was ''ridiculous, susceptible to irony and mockery and liable to cause serious harm to the person who bears it,'' ANSA reported. The high court said the Robinson Crusoe character is one characterized by "subservience and inferiority, who would never reach the condition of a civilized man,'' the Italian news service reported. The judges ordered the couple to call the child Gregorio, after the saint's day he was born on. The head of the Italian Association of Matrimonial Lawyers said Italian law mandates name changes ''when the child's name is likely to limit social interaction and create insecurity.'' ---------------- Italian law requires that if the kid has an Italian last name, then it deserves a decent Italian first name, but every year some boneheads try to sneak around that.
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again." After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Deryck Re: Spreadsheets Dear Webby I have been told that I need to get a spreadsheet and get good at using it. Which one do you recommend? Deryck Dear Deryck That depends entirely what you want to do with it. If you need to enter data from hotels and cyber cafes while away from your office or home computer, use the Google on-line spreadsheets http://spreadsheets.google.com/ It seems a bit awkward, if you are used to fast desktop spreadsheets, but with a bit of practise, you can cook up quite snazzy presentations with it. And they are on-line, ready for you when you get to the next computer. There are more on-line spreadsheets listed at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_on ... readsheets , but it is doubtful that all of those will be as permanet as Google's spreadsheets. If you are always at the same computer, for basic accounting the Open Office CALC is fine, and free. Excel ($229) works as well, but is not free. If you are doing scientific work or enterprise accounting, then get Quattro Pro. It is part of the Corel Office suite. Unfortunately Corel is trying to kill off their office suite with totally ridiculus pricing ($319). However, you can get older versions on eBay for $15 - $50. Look for Word Perfect Office Suite. There are no changes worth mentioning between an 8 year old Quattro Pro and the newest one, and once you got it, it's yours forever. Absolutely no problem transferring it to a new computer, if you have the CD. Have FUN! DearWebby

Sometimes... when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes... when you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just ONE TIME...!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Other Than Candy Treats A trip to the Dollar Store or office supply store can be good for treats that are not candy. Consider giving combs, pencils, erasers, colored pens or pencils, pony tail holders, coloring books instead of candy. Giving the money out ins coins instead of spending it on candy can also be done. Healthy Treats for Halloween http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf000280.tip.html Speaking of Dollar Stores: Do NOT buy Chinese made foil wrapped chocolate coins at dollar stores or Costco. They are supposed to be recalled because of Melamine in them, but some stores may still have them on the shelves. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Bill for this story: A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work pro- perly in case of emergency." My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Pages too large 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 27, 2008

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. --- Herm Albright
Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well...I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car...a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. A marvelous dinner - lobster, steak...then we go see a show let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: This one bloomed today
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 43 year old woman in Miyazaki, Japan Woman arrested for killing virtual husband A Japanese woman has been arrested after she allegedly killed her virtual husband in an online game. The 43 year old was apparently furious at finding herself suddenly divorced in the game Maplestory, reports the BBC. Police say she illegally accessed login details of the man playing her virtual husband, and killed off his character. The woman, a piano teacher, is in jail in Sapporo waiting to learn if she faces charges of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating data. She was taken to Sapporo - where her "husband", a 33-year-old office worker lives - from her home in Miyazaki 620 miles away. If charged with the offences, and convicted, she faces up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $5,000. A Sapporo police official said the woman had used the man's ID and password to log into the game last May to carry out the virtual murder. "I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," she was quoted by the official as telling investigators. http://snipurl.com/4qh9h
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down, when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end... "Hello, is this Bonnie D? We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey." Without missing a beat, she told them: "I am BUSY, survey your own briefs!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moo Moo Re: Pages too big Dear Webby, Hi, it is not the text that is too big, it is the pages that are so big on my screen that I can't read all there is to the left or right even using the scroll bar. Thanks Moo Moo Dear Moo Moo right click on the desktop, Properties Settings And change the resolution to the highest number available in there. If the text becomes too tiny, choose the second highest setting. Let me know how that works out. Have FUN! DearWebby

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "I should warn you. . .you may not want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I speak from personal experience," the expert explained. "For years, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "So finally one day I made a suggestion: 'Hon,' I said, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back persisted, "And didn't that save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Quick Halloween Decorations for a Party Drape white sheets over all the furniture and windows. It looks like a haunted house and a much more realistic and fun decoration than store-bought paper decorations. Add candles in old fashioned holders on top of covered tables, and a few hidden flashlights to provide creepy uplighting. Halloween Decorations http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_Dec ... 0_550.html If you use candles, then you better have a few fire extinguishers handy. Dry powder extinguishers are cheap, but make an awful mess. CO2 extinguishers cost a bit more initially, but the CO2 snow that they throw evaporates without leaving any trace. If you can't afford a fire extinguisher but feel you need burning candles at a rambunctious Halloween party, have a few buckets of wet sand ready. Instead of using your good sheets, you can get really cheap "Painter's Drop Sheets". Unlike the clear and slippery cover sheets, painter's drop sheets are available in very thin canvas, that is safe to walk on. For safe but spooky lighting, try old strings of Christmas lights with some of the bulbs burned out or taken out. Especially the blinking outdoors types can look quite spooky if you have a tangle of them behind a sheet. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner." And THAT is how the substitute organist became the regular organist.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beautful Sunsets
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Set size of IE windows 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 26, 2008

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --- Pablo Picasso If it has neither rhyme, nor rythm, nor a clear message, then it must be modern poetry or a campaign slogan. --- Socratex
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Everytime her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Scroll down at this link and watch the pumpkins! Geeky Pumpkin Faces Sandie
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sent in by Eric Swedish woman married to Berlin Wall A Swedish woman with a fetish for inanimate objects has revealed she's been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979, reports the Daily Telegraph. Mrs Berliner-Mauer claimed she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a child.She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests. While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she had a full, loving relationship with the wall. Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy. "The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier." While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Berlin Wall was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified. She's never been back and now has only models to remind her of "his" former glory. Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence, said: "What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband." http://www.orange.co.uk/news/quirkies/d ... Id=2870071
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work and the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea. They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. That was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and later to the remote control
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: IE in full size Dear Webby, Tech help again Don't know what happen but now when I open another page on internet explorer but it comes up half page now. If I remember you had a fix for this. It was coming up full page and now like I said it's half page or smaller. If you can help let me know. Everything I have tried doesn't work Mike Dayton NV Dear Mike The default behavior for Internet Explorer is to open at the same size it was at the last time it was closed. While the default does apply in many cases, it's not always consistent. Try the following workaround: Open a single Internet Explorer window to the smaller size. Drag the corners of the window until it nearly fills the screen. Do not use the maximize button to enlarge the window. Hold down the Ctrl key, and while holding it down use the mouse to click File and then Exit on the toolbar. NOTE: Do not use the "X" in the upper right corner to close the window. Internet Explorer should now open in a full window. If it still opens to a smaller size repeat the above but this time us the "Shift" key instead of the "Ctrl" key. NOTE: This is NOT a permanent fix. Internet Explorer will mess up this setting in a month or less. Print out these instructions and put them into the "Cheat Sheets" ziplock bag taped to the side of the computer. Have FUN! DearWebby

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sheers and Sweats for Ghost Costumes Sheer curtains over white or grey sweats make an ethereal and safe (see through) ghost costume. They're very inexpensive and much lighter than a sheet and no makeup is needed, although one could use a little clown white. - Doris Halloween Costumes http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_Cos ... 0_544.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Questions: 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to testify your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river, which is infested by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it? Answers: 1. The correct answer is open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your prudence. 3. Correct Answer: The Elephant!...It's still in the refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking. 4. Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! I hope you got this one correct at least.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pumpkin Carver
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Gullible Warming was a hoax 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  October 25, 2008

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --- Calvin Trillin Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. --- Henry David Thoreau
Thanks to Sandie for this story: My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So, one evening, I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically. "We could pay off half of your Visa," he responded.
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue," he quipped as he ducked out the door.
Gullible Warming was a hoax! Please turn the thermostat up again!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joel Jones from Suffolk, England Sent in by Eric Ebay dealer threatens to sue over feedback Internet user Chris Read is being threatened with legal action - for posting a website criticism over a £155 mobile phone he bought on eBay. The dad of five, 42, left negative feedback on the auction site after being sent a Samsung F700V from Suffolk-based businessman Joel Jones earlier this month when he ordered an F700. After returning it and waiting more than a week for a refund, he logged a comment saying: "Item was scratched, chipped and not the model advertised." But he was stunned when he received an angry email demanding a retraction. And later was sent court papers from Mr Jones claiming libel damages. Mr Jones, 26, who sells used electronic goods under the username onsalexuk, claimed Chris's comments were damaging his reputation. He said: "We require a signed statement accepting that the feedback is unfair. Unless we receive the statement from you within seven days we will begin legal action." http://snipurl.com/4oplf http://snipurl.com/4opck
A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
From Donna: I downloaded Windows Media Player this morning and it works great! As always thanks for the expert advice. It is so nice of you to give us all this great advice in addition to providing such a great newsletter each day. I can't remember how I found your site, but this makes this second time that you have solved one of my problems and I am most appreciative. Donna From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, PC Pitstop recommends installing the latest (958644) Microsoft security patch now. On October 22, 2008 - Microsoft released security patches for all versions of Windows. This "out-of-cycle" patch was released in Microsoft Security Bulletin MS08-067 . It's sudden release only serves to emphasize it's importance. The bulletin warns of a remote code execution attack that can spread rapidly across the internet. Evidence of this RPC attack was first found two weeks ago and infects machines without any user interaction. ******************************** This is from PC Pitstop that I use to check my pc with. Jai Dear Jai It's quite OK to install, as long as you do it in CUSTOM mode. NEVER allow Express mode, so that you can make sure they are not slithering dumpster-ware like SP3 into your machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, Little Johnny volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grapes Costume Get a purple sweat suit and attach a bunch of purple balloons to it so it looks like a bunch of grapes. Put on a purple beanie and purple face paint to finish off the costume. Visit ThriftyFun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance. "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer. "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow." "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as you'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Museum of Unworkable Design
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Real Player problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 24, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. --- Andy Warhol
Thanks to Noella for this report: Suppose a new student enrolls at your school. Her name is Le - a. How would you pronounce the child's name??? Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE! Lay - a?? NO! Lei?? Guess Again. It's pronounced 'Ledasha,' oh yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent. This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. When asked about the pronunciation of the name, the mother replied, "the dash don't be silent." The mother, Latreena McQueesha, explained that "in Ebonics, 'Le - a' make more since, as when honkies calls her daughter Granola".
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?" "Well, rattler bit me one time." "Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck no. Dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: This one bloomed today: Wilcoxia Felgeri The dead blossoms are from when it bloomed in spring.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Israel Gomez, 20, of hartford, Conn Sent in by Ann Fake Policeman Busted After Stopping Real One The Associated Press HARTFORD, Conn. | Police say a Connecticut man playing police officer picked the wrong person to pull over. Israel Gomez was arrested Tuesday after pulling over an off-duty Hartford police lieutenant. Police say 20-year-old Gomez turned on flashing lights and used a siren and loudspeaker to coax police Lt. Ronald Bair off the road. Bair called for backup, and officers arrested Gomez and 20-year-old Esteban Cardona. Gomez is charged with impersonating a police officer, reckless driving and improper use of red flashing lights. Cardona, who was driving another car involved in the bogus traffic stop, is charged with reckless driving. They were released on written promises to appear in court. http://www.theledger.com/article/200810 ... /810220279 _____________________ Gomez, of 586 Franklin Ave., was charged with impersonating a police officer, reckless driving and improper use of red flashing lights. Cardona, of 20 Victoria Road, was charged with reckless driving. Both men were released from custody. Let's hope they get at least ten times as much time as the grannie who refused to stop for real cops!
Modern Poetry: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn't.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, Thanks so much for the great newsletter that brightens each of my days. I have XP and just this past week, I can no longer open any attachments on the emails I receive. I get the message "Real Player cannot play the file. The Player might not support the file type or a required codec might not be installed on your computer." Can I just go to one of the sites for Real Player and do a new download? Always appreciate your expertise. Donna Dear Donna Some of those download invitations are probably phony, but if you go to the genuine Real Player site, you should be safe. You can also get Windows Media Player and make that your default media player. That has worked fine for me for the last 10 years or so. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Energy When Using Your Oven Any time you open your oven the temperature drops 25 to 30 degrees (Fahrenheit). If you want to peek at the dish you are baking, use the window on the door and oven light instead. When you are done baking, leave the door open to allow the excess heat to warm your home. Visit ThriftyFun for more Green Living Tips by clicking here If your oven light is burned out, use a regular, small 40 Watt lightbulb, not the Chinese made spiral lights. Regular lightbulbs can handle the oven temparature quite nicely. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Coral Gables , Miami (IPP) - The National Hurricane Center (NHC) in Coral Gables, Florida announced this morning that Ebonic names will be given to hurricanes in 2009. They have decided to do this in the interest of maintaining a fair and balanced list of names issued to tropical cyclones. The list of names for 2009 is: Aquanita, Bactrin, Chetiqua, Duanita, Equandolyn, Floce, Genatren, Halibasha, Ignitia, Jartrovious, Kendrick, Kracheeta, Latreena, Machoda, Niqueesha, Oranjello, Pecola, Robitussin, Six-Pak-4-Sure, Tywana and Zneeta.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Earth Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby: paragraph sign in MS WORD 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 23, 2008

Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it. --- Jules Renard Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. --- Laurence J. Peter
A man said to his friend, "I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death." His friend said, "What does being nearsighted have to do with working yourself to death?" And the man said, "I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the time."
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, kid?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"
Thanks to Deelie for this picture: Balcony Buddy
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the science teacher at Big Sandy, texas High School Sent in by Ramona Students Bitten by Venomous Snake in a Classroom By KENNETH DEAN Staff Writer BIG SANDY - Two Big Sandy High School science students are in a Tyler hospital recovering from bites from a venomous snake that was misidentified by their science teacher. Scott Beene, the Big Sandy Independent School District superintendent, said the incident happened Monday as the two students were handling what they thought was a rat snake in a science lab where other snakes were also housed. Beene said the biology teacher was leading the class in another experiment, but the students’ curiosity got the best of them and they wanted to look at a snake that had just been brought in to the class Monday morning. Beene said the two students were handling one snake when it began fighting with another and that is when they were both bitten. One boy was bitten several times before the other student helped him and was also bitten. Beene would not say which hospital or the exact condition of the students, citing they are both minors. However, he did say he believed both would remain hospitalized for several more days. “This is something we have never had happened and we are praying for a full recovery for both students,” he said. Beene said students routinely brought in other animals such as turtles to be classified and the snake, that turned out to be a cotton mouth, was brought into the class earlier in the year. “I do not know how long that snake had been in the science lab, but the teacher evidently misidentified it as a non-venomous snake,” he said. _____________________ Not all cottonmouth snakes as as colorful as this slightly overfed Zoo specimen. Usually they are more gray / charcoal colored, but the identifying mark of the cottonmouth is the 2 tone dark mustache line. Here is how they usually look in the wild: A cottonmouth is usually aggressive and won't scamper away like a rattler, when you stomp your foot. Because the cottonmouth is the most dangerous snake in Texas, it is featured on many tourist brochures. That bonehead teacher should be ordered to buy Tennant's "Field Guide to Texas Snakes" not just for himself, but for all of his students!
Thanks to Sandie for this: A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street. My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid! I thought that was my daughter."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerry Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, Help!!! I was preparing my Lions Club Newsletter and something happened to the text (It also shows on ALL my texts) the Paragraph symbol shows up on every line with arrows and dots between words. I tried to contact Microsoft service and keep getting sent back to the same general "Contact us" I know you are not a big Microsoft fan (I kept XP despite their efforts to move me into their next mess). Maybe you have a brief shortcut that will get rid of my Paragraph symbols. Thanx -- and I really appreciate the daily (seven days a week) DearWebby column. Jerry Dear Jerry Congratulations on avoiding Vista! I am an XP fan. Like most businesses, we switched to Open Office some time ago. Maybe Microsoft did too, and their pet Talibans are no longer supporting WORD ? As far as I remember, there is a ¶ button in the top menu. Hitting that should make the paragraph symbols invisible. You can also go to Tools > Options > View. Under the heading "Formatting marks" take off the checkmarks. Have FUN! DearWebby

To keep your husband from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "appliance instruction manuals". To keep your wife from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "car repair records".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Makeshift Level Need to level a picture or painting on your wall but you don't have a level handy? Just put a little water in a glass and hold it on the top edge of the frame. The frame is level when the water in the glass is. Visit ThriftyFun for more Home Improvement Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html For more precision, tie a paper clip or other small weight to some limp or wet thread, and the other end of it to the end of a pencil or ruler or stick. My mom used the handle of the big wooden spoon, that she broke on my noggin while trying to educate me. Lay the pencil or stick on the top edge, so that the thread hangs down about a match width from the side edge. Unlike with the water glass, there is no guesswork involved. When the picture, or fridge or stove or whatever you are levling, is perfectly level, the thread is a match width away at both top and bottom. Afterward, the thread can be spooled up on the stick and tossed into the tool drawer for next time. A "plumb-bob" like that is actually more precise than a store-bought level. Have FUN! Dear Webby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New Zealand via National Geographic
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Dear Webby: XCOPY from machine to machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 22, 2008

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function. --- Georges Clemenceau
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says. The intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." "Well, thank heaven," said the wife. "At least our James has nothing standing in his way."
Sign posted in a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." Scribbled underneath was: "Socks can eat any place they want."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Bougie
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Djurens Ratt, in Stockholm, Sweden Snivelers object to pretend elk hunt GRASMYR, Sweden (UPI) -- Animal rights snivelers have condemned a pretend hunt in Sweden where pre-school children were encouraged to shoot at a cloth elk puppet. "Pre-school children are a target group identified by the Swedish Association for Hunting and Wildlife Management. They run specific campaigns to encourage children's interest in killing animals," said the Swedish animal rights sniveler Djurens Ratt. Children at the Vintergatan pre-school in the northern town of Grasmyr held their pretend hunt last week, the prey being an elk puppet filled with buns, the Swedish news agency tt reported Sunday. Teachers at the school defended their actions as helping children prepare for everyday life, reported the newspaper Vasterbottens-Kuriren "For our children who grow up in an environment where hunting is part of everyday life it is important that the children also be given the chance to take a position on the issue," said teacher Maria Nygard. ---------------- Grasmyr is in the far North of Sweden, not in Stockholm. Elk there are not cute bambies, but a normal meat provider, just like cattle are in the South of Sweden. Even here, I can buy elk meat less than a mile from my house.
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife mumbled, "but it gets awfully crowded in there during hockey season!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Randy Re: copy large folders across a network Dear Webby: I need to copy some large folders from my old computer to my new one. I got them networked OK, and I can drag files and small folders across, but with large program and data folders I have a problem. Whenever Windows encounters any problem, Billy gets in a snit, takes his marbles and goes home to Mama. When I redo the copy, it stalls and gives up at the same spot. I got XP on both machines. Why is that so, and how do I get around that? Randy Dear Randy If you ever read the small print in what you agreed to when you bought Windows, you saw that they want you to be aware that Windows is not a fail-safe system and that it does not recover from errors gracefully. To get around that problem, you have to revert to good old DOS. START, RUN, cmd But first, view the drive or partition on the new machine with the file explorer on the old machine, and assign a network drive letter to the C: drive on the new machine. For example Z: Then go to the DOS command prompt and type: net use Z: and hit ENTER. That will establish the DOS network connection. You can verify that it worked by typing: dir Z:\ It will show you the list of files in the root directory of the new machine. Ugly, but that's how we did it in the stone age. If the white text on black bothers your eyes, type color 9e and hit Enter. Feel free to experiment with different number and letter combinations. Let's say the directory that you want to copy is E:\Alpha\Eudora and the destination is Z:\Alpha\Eudora So you type: xcopy /E /D /H /R /K /Y E:\Alpha\Eudora\*.* z:\Alpha\Eudora and hit Enter. You will see a list of files scoot by, until there is a snag. Instead of giving up, it stops and tells you that it can't copy a certain file. Most likely it is a file that got messed when you had tried to drag with Windows. So, simply go to the destination machine and delete that file. You can use the file explorer for that. Back to the source machine. Hit the UP arrow to repeat the command. Because of the /D switch, xcopy won't waste time with stuff that is not newer on the source machine than the target machine. You may hit more snags, and can deal with them the same way. Eventually all of that directory and all it's subdirectories will have been copied over at lightning speed. And yes, it is indeed a good idea to write that command and all the switches onto the monitor frame, because you will want to use it again: xcopy /E /D /H /R /K /Y source/*.* destination Have FUN! DearWebby

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stuck Together Postage Stamps If postage stamps become stuck together, put them in the freezer for an hour or two. When you remove them, they should come apart easily. Visit ThriftyFun for more Helpful Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?" The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Home Remedies & Natural Cures
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Dear Webby: More SP3 Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 21, 2008

We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld In anger we should refrain both from speech and action. --- Pythagoras
There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died. "WHAT?!?!" asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. "I loved that cat! You can't just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat's on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you're doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died." The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, "Your mother-in-law is on the roof."
A fellow who’s just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It’s actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That’s impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 150 years! The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you’re right."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Peek a BOO
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Edna Jester, 89, of Cincinnati, Ohio Ball Hog BLUE ASH, Ohio – Police in Ohio say an 89-year-old woman is facing a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children accuse her of refusing to give back their football. Edna Jester was arrested last week in the Cincinnati suburb of Blue Ash. Police say one child's father complained that Jester kept the youngsters' ball after it landed in her yard. Jester is to appear in court next month. The maximum penalty for a petty theft conviction in Ohio is six months in jail and a fine of up to $1,000.
Thanks to Dave for this story: A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had Held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In Fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow Driving habits. I can't stand it anymore,' she told him. 'Let's play A game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll Remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he Ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His Girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him Free but alas he was stuck. 'Go to the road and get help,' he said. 'I don't have anything to cover myself with!' she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. 'You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,' he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the Road, he pulled over to hear her story. 'My boyfriend! My boyfriend!' she sobs, 'He's stuck and I can't pull him out!' The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, 'Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rheta Re: SP3 problems Dear webby: i uninstaled the sp3 thing and now a lot of stuf on my computer wont work. and i canot down load any thing to fix the problem ....Grrrrr. Rheta Dear Rheta I guess you are beginning to see why I am so fanatic against SP3! Do you have ANY browser left that you can use? If you don't have one, let me know and I'll send one to you by email. Check your email limits: FireFox is 5 MB Opera is 6 MB Safari os 45 MB (forget THAT one!) IE6 is on your Set-Up CD, but quite a nuisance to re-install after SP3 has messed up your system. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box." Somehow, it didn't go over too well.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Loose Screws If you have a screw loose in something made of wood, just remove the screw and fill the hole with wood putty. Let the wood putty dry and then reinsert the screw. Click Here To Visit ThriftyFun For More Repair Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_1876.html If it is a load bearing screw, I prefer to fill the hole with 2 component epoxy and drive the screw in right away. That way some of the glue is forced into the wood and provides a very strong bond. Don't expect to be able to remove that screw without heating it! Have Fun! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A battle-axe of a teacher is giving an assignment to her sixth grade class. The instructions are lengthy, so she starts writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there is a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Bobby?" "Well, teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom!" she yells. "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she has forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it. Another of the boys giggles. She turns again and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "Well, teacher, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom! I don't want to see you for two weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns back to the board, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter. She turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom. "And where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well, teacher," he says, "from what I just saw, my school days are over."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: baby Critter Pix
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Lost Screen Savers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 20, 2008

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. --- Bill Hoest Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. --- Doug Larson
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me...."
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel when we were on our honeymoon!"
Thanks to TJ A. for this picture: Canmore, Alberta
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to town council in Hereford, England Pensioner told to stop cutting grass A pensioner has been ordered to stop mowing the grass outside his home because it makes the road look too tidy. Brian Hubbard has regularly cut the patch of grass outside his Hereford home since he moved in four years ago. He also picks up litter, rakes the leaves and cleans up council contractors' grass cuttings, reports the Daily Telegraph. But he has received a letter accusing him of "encroaching" on council land and been told that he must "return the area to its original state within 28 days" or the work would be carried out at his expense. He said: "Whoever would have thought that cultivating the grass, cutting it regularly and raking the leaves off could be described as encroachment? Do they want me to put weeds and dandelions in?" A spokesman for Herefordshire Council apologised for the tone of the letter and suggested a meeting to discuss the situation.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: J Re: Lost screen savers Hi There Webby, Hope alls well with you & yours... I have 2 problems... Okie-Dokie, Here's first the problem... I downloaded several screen-savers and saved them in a desktop briefcase... Now when I go to the Control Panel / Display there is no tab for the screen-saver option, where I can select one ? Like I said I have several new ones in a briefcase, but what happened to the old ones with that tab to get to them? (you know the flying windows/ objects in space ect. Ect ect I'm on WindowsXP, Professional Version 2002...( I don't have the CD disk anymore so that's out as a solution) Also I use Firefox as a Browser.. I used that Crap Cleaner several times, Do you think I might have deleted them forever...I don't know what it does, I just click it and clean up whatever it does... Any help you can share with me would be greatly appreciated.. J Dear J To set up screen savers, right-click the desktop Properties, ScreenSaver. Crap Cleaner doesn't un-install programs. It just dumps the fragments of procedures, that are left behind in the memory, and similar crap. Have FUN! DearWebby

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, we better run!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Skeleton Costume Take an old black sweat suit and paint bones on it with white paint. Use glow-in-the-dark paint and it will look extra spooky. You also can glue on white felt or a glow-in-the-dark material for the bones. Visit ThriftyFun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant : "I didn't want to wake up the children."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Antelope Canyon
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Multiple Browsers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 19, 2008

We study the past to understand the present; we understand the present to guide the future." --- William Lund
Marriage Quips Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? A: Not if you are the groom. Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'. Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception? A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives. Q: What is a wedding tragedy? A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money. Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A: A last name. Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves? A: Buy her a diamond ring. Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex? A: Call her/him on the telephone
Thanks to Bob for this classic: A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into her car, an ancient Caddillac Fleetwood as old as she is, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at a speef of at least 30mph for it to start. She said "fine!" hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
Thanks to Sue for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Heinrich Klopp, 27, in Berlin, Germany Burglar got stuck in lift A German thief was sunk after he got stuck in the lift of an office block he'd just burgled. Heinrich Klopp, 27, had raided an office on the sixth floor, taking computers, mobile phones and other electronic goods. He decided to take the lift down because his bag of loot was too heavy for him to carry down flights of stairs to a getaway car. But he was forced to call the fire brigade when he was trapped between floors. Firemen in the German capital Berlin spotted four laptops on the lift floor and called police who arrested Klopp and later charged him with theft. "I nearly got away with it until the lift broke. I had no other option but to call for help," he confessed. "It's the first time I've ever done anything like it but I didn't enjoy any beginner's luck this time. "I tried to hide the laptops in the corner, but I knew I was done for as soon as they clapped eyes on them."
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell '@#$%& &^%$# &^*%@$!'"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Multiple browsers Dear Webby, Thanks for the fast reply. Question (dumb?) if I use Opera or FireFox as a browser can I still have Google as my home page? I don't think I really understand what a browser is, or does. Carol Dear Carol You can have for you home page anything you want, no matter what browser you use. With most browsers you set the default home page in TOOLS, Internet Options. Thousands of people even have the Humor Letter as their home page. That is why I have all those links in the left side margin. A browser is just a viewer. You can browse all over the Internet and VIEW pages. Since 1994 you can even fill out forms with a browser, but essentially it is just a viewer. You can have many different browsers on your computer. Just avoid IE7. I use FireFox as my default browser, and make whatever site I am working on as the Home page. I use IE6 for Accu-Radio, and got that site as the home page on it. I use Opera with usually http://dawna.com as the default Home page. I have the Google Tool bar on all of them. Usually I have about a dozen Tabs open on FireFox, one on IE6, and 3-4 on Opera. Yes, you can run all of them at the same time. They are just viewers. When I am working on a client's web site, I usually check it on each of those browsers to make sure the pages look the same on all of them. The one to stay away from is IE7. Like SP3 and Vista, it has serious problems. Have FUN! DearWebby

A MAN was admiring the tropical fish in the pet shop where I used to work. When I offered my assistance, he mentioned that his new wife was a fish fancier. After I showed him around, he shouted, "There she is! That's the one I'll take." As I scooped out a large, sluggish goldfish with a gray splotch at the top of its head, the man exclaimed, "My bride will love this! She's always wanted to know what my first wife looked like!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Firewood Store wood off the ground and protect it from weather. You will want to store wood about 4 inches off the ground. Any wood on the ground will collect insects and rot more quickly. You will also want to keep it covered from rain and snow. Visit ThriftyFun for more Storage Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_St ... 9_699.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar. As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: TheWorldLive
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fake Microsoft update emails 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  October 18, 2008

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. --- A. H. Weiler Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
Thanks to Darlene for this story: I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenanger would look and find him staring every time. When the teenage had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye at his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
That reminds me of this one from Lillemor A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" "The cop asked, "WHAT'S HE LIKE?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
Thanks to Anna for this picture: Ape and Tiger
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Annarita Ottonello, 29, in genoa, Italy 'Angelina - bank raider' Italian cops easily caught an armed robber after being told the gun wielding raider was Angelina Jolie. Lookalike Annarita Ottonello, 29, staged a bank robbery in Genoa after running into money problems, say police. But she was quickly caught, as she tried to escape by scooter, after police circulated the news that the bank had been robbed by an Angelina Jolie double. A police spokesman said: "The resemblance was so uncanny that some witnesses actually thought it was the actress herself and that the robbery was part of a new Hollywood film. "The woman had always thought that looking like Angelina Jolie was a bit of a bonus in her life because it attracted lots of men. "Unfortunately in this particular instance it proved to be the worst possible thing for her - she was instantly recognisable."
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass a collection plate." He got the job.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Fake Microsoft Updates Dear Webby, Those fake Microsoft update notices, that you mentioned before, are coming around again. Why don't you do your half Million readers a favor and mentione them again? Dianne Dear Dianne I have not noticed them, probably because I am protected by Mail Washer. However, I have I have indeed read lots about them lately. If you get an email pretending to be from Microsoft, and it tells you that an update is attached, it is phoney. Delete the attachment, dump your recycle bin, and delete that email. Microsoft never has, and never will, send updates around by email. You get their updates through the Windows Updater, or by going to their site and searching for what you need. Have FUN! DearWebby

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend quite that much," says John.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Checkbook Cover for Coupons If you have an extra checkbook cover lying around it makes a great wallet for carrying coupons. You can put coupons you plan to use soon in one side and coupons you plan to use later in the other. Click Here To Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _1307.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex- husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex- husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sherlockian
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Deare Webby: apsSearchInterface problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 17, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. --- Franklin D. Roosevelt
One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up by the scruff of the neck and walked him sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, of Vero Beach, Florida Munchies Man allegedly offered pot for McD's food VERO BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities have accused a drive-through customer at a Vero Beach, Fla., McDonald's fast-food restaurant of attempting to pay for his meal with marijuana. The Indian River County Sheriff's Office said it received a call at 12:22 a.m. Monday from a McDonald's cashier who claimed Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, had attempted to trade marijuana for food, TCPalm.com reported Tuesday. A deputy recognized Pannullo's vehicle from the cashier's description and allegedly discovered a quantity of marijuana inside, the arrest affidavit stated. Pannullo, who was charged with possession of cannabis, was released Monday after posting $500 bail. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party." After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: apsSearchInterface Hi Oh Knowing one.... First I want to thank you for having those "click" links on the left side of the page. I appreciate that I can donate to three good causes every morning and am supporting these diverse causes. I need your help again please. For the last week or so I have gotten the following notice when I turn the computer on. What on earth does it mean and how do I get rid of (or fix it if necessary)? Thanks as always for your generous sharing of your knowledge of most things. "The procedure entry port apsSearchInterface could not be located in the dynamic link library wlanapi.dll." Ann Dear Ann Looks like you forgot to install the SP3 blocker. That is one of the screw-ups that come with SP3. CAUSE Windows XP SP3 rudely and inconsiderately adds a dll file that is named Wlanapi.dll, a name that has been in use for a long time by drivers for network cards. SP3 installs this file into the WINDOWS\System32 folder, totally overwriting and obliterating the one already there from your network card driver. RESOLUTION To resolve this issue, check the Web site of the wireless network adapter's manufacturer for the latest device drivers that are available for a Windows XP SP3-based system. Then, download and install the latest device drivers for the wireless network adapter, and overwrite the useless file from SP3. You can use the Belarc Advisor from the tool box at http://webby.com/tools to find out what brand and model network adapter you got. Then Google for that brand and "driver". Have FUN! DearWebby

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning an Electric Can Opener Clean the blade of an electric can opener with a wet paper towel while running the opener. For stubborn, dried on food, use an old toothbrush. If it is removable, run it through the dishwasher. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cleaning Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

AAADD I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes . . . I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . . Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . . BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . . And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . . I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious . . . I'd get help . . . BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Arresting Images
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: : Instant messengers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 16, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? --- Abraham Lincoln When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves." --- William Arthur Ward
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's the only fringe benefit I get for owning the company."
They were having their first fight, and finally he said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." She said, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture: Tried to take a picture of the moon, but this ghost got in the way. Deeli
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Adriano Germano, 56, in Mallare, Italy Shot hunter gets bullet An Italian council worker is getting the bullet from his bosses - after he was shot on a hunting trip when he should have been working. Adriano Germano, 56, an engineer, turned up to work and told bosses he was going out on an all-day job to help fix some water pipes. But he snuck off after clocking in to go hunting in nearby forests with some pals - and ended up in hospital for 20 days when a pal accidentally blasted him with a shotgun. Suspicious bosses in Mallare, northern Italy, called in police when they heard about the injury and discovered what had happened. Now he's facing jail on charges of defrauding the state. A police spokesman said: "The man had tried to claim that his injuries were a result of him doing his job. "But he was a bit stuck to come up with an explanation as to how he had been peppered with shot from a hunting gun while working on pipes."
I was listening to one of Larry the Cable Guy's clips on the radio and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. "She wanted me to rent that 'Scent of a Woman' movie, but I couldn't find it. So I brought home 'A Fish Called Wanda'."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Instant messengers Dear Webby I got in big trouble at work for using Yahoo messenger to chat with a client. It was work related, not chit-chat, but the boss said NO messengers are safe, especially not Yahoo. I know you use some kind of messenger for tech support, so there must be some, or one, that is safe. What do you use? Eileen Dear Eileen We use Skype. It is securely encrypted and rock solid. I can look up the history 6 years back and search for anything. Unless you use Eudora, you can't do that with your email. We also use Skype for all long distance calls, and most local ones too, because the voice quality is much better. Get comfortable with it on your home machine, then show it to your boss. Don't just start using it. Considering that you got caught using Yahoo messenger, which is indeed neither safe nor reliable, he DOES have reasons to be concerned. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Dianne for this classic: While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Turn Off Water When Brushing Teeth Don't leave the water on while you are brushing your teeth. Turn it off after rinsing your toothbrush and wait to turn it on again when you need to rinse the sink and brush when you are done. Click Here To Visit ThriftyFun For More Green Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Jay Leno's Garage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: : How to make a PDF file 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 15, 2008

The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Thanks to Roland for this Classic: I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
The church was having a play, and one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the fateful day of the pplay. When her turn came, she stood up in front of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window and prayed."
Thanks to Denjan for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to water board workers in Marino, Italy Sent in by Deeli Changed water into wine Rome, Italy - The Telegraph Sparkling chilled white wine instead of water flowed from the taps during the Marino Grape Festival and as part of the event free wine flows from the main fountain in the square too. However, due to a technical error the pipes from the local vineyard which supply the marble fountain were switched to the domestic supply feeding homes at Marino, in the famous wine-making Alban Hills, south of Rome. When mayor Adriano Palozzi, a priest and locals gathered round the fountain following a prayer of thanks to the Virgin Mary, with plastic glasses at the ready for Marino DOC they were left disappointed as instead of fresh wine, out poured the usual water. Then came the shout of "miracolo" from one house overlooking the square and a local rushed out onto her balcony to reveal that wine was flowing from her kitchen tap. One local named as Anna said, "I was in the kitchen ready to do the housework and filled up a bucket with water. "I was going to mop the floor with it but I immediately noticed a sweet smell from the tap and it was also slightly yellow - I recognized instantly it was wine. I called my neighbors and they turned on their taps and it was the same - the word quickly spread and everyone filled up bottles and plastic containers with the wine." "It all happened at the same time as Sagra dell Uva Grape Festival so everyone thought it was a miracle - I don't think that the mayor and the other officials were very happy though." Mayor Palozzi said: "It was a surprise and completely unexpected - workmen are fixing the problem which obviously came about through a technical error.
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Dear Webby Do I understand you correctly in that we can download Open Office at your tool box site, copy our word documents over to Open Office because Open Office will convert the document to a PDF? If I'm correct so far, does that mean we can also save it as a PDF and open it as a PDF? I have copied PDF files, wanting to use them some place else and when I open the PDF file to read it I get mumbo-jumbo...all types of alphabet and numbers mixed up (like a code). This procedure (Word to PDF and save as PDF and open PDF and be able to read it) would be great and very handy for me. Thank you for your continued help. I do not miss a day of reading your Web site! Carol Dear Carol yes, Open Office will open your WORD, WordPerfect, whatever, documents and spreadsheets, and even lets you save them in those formats, not just in industry standard, platform independent Open Document spec. For example, if you have an aunt that still uses StarWriter, you can save it in that format too. If you need something in PDF format, for example a contract or form, to make sure that nobody can make changes on it, and to make sure everybody sees it in exactly the same way, no matter what kind of computer they use, or to upload it to Staples for printing thousands of copies, then you hit ALT F, D (or click on File, Export as PDF ), and it makes a PDF file. That action not destroy or change your document or it's name or format. It's just like a Print To File, or a snapshot of how it would look if printed at that moment.. PDF is a one way street. Think of it as a picture of how a print job would look like, if you printed it right now, and have that picture exported as a PDF file for printing later, when your paper order gets delivered, or when you get a moment of privacy at the big laser printer at work. If you think you might want to edit it some day, then you keep the original file, from which you exported a print job snapshot to PDF, edit that, and make a fresh export. To read PDF files you use FoxIt or Adobe Reader, or any PDF reader. They are free in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools Just keep in mind that PDF files are viewable print jobs, not editable text files. You edit the document or spreadsheet, which you "printed" to PDF format, not the snapshot picture. Because it is nearly impossible to "harvest" a PDF file, when you write an eBook and print it to PDF, nobody can just edit it a bit and put their name in there as the author. The same goes for invoices, contracts, RFQ's (Request for Quotes), etc. People can't change them. Have FUN! DearWebby

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial is set to start early next year.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Buy Items Under Stress Don't buy items when you are stressed out or anxious. Always be prepared to leave a store or a car lot if you don't feel comfortable with your purchase. If you get home and have buyer's remorse, go ahead at take the item back immediately. Any reputable store will allow you to return the item. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Consumer Advice http://www.thriftyfun.com/Consumer%20Advice_1285.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall. The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that a horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?" Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Crosswords
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Visible Alert 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 14, 2008

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. --- Benjamin Franklin Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. --- Cynthia Nelms
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She'll know who sent them." The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked. After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed. But a bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home for lunch!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Heidi Kohl, 89, of Rockenhausen, Germany Vandal granny to knit for victims An 89-year-old tire-slashing granny has been sentenced to knit sweaters for her victims. Heidi Kohl was arrested after a slashing spree in Rockenhausen, Germany. She said so many cars parked in and around her road that residents could not find a safe place to cross and she had tried to do something about it. She slashed the tires on dozens of cars thinking that it would put people off parking there. She said: "I was fed up with the situation." Police tracked her down after a car owner saw what she was doing and she was given a fine. As she had no cash to pay she offered to knit jumpers for her victims instead. "When she's knitted the sweaters, then the matter will be over for us," said a prosecution spokesman.
Thanks to Lynn for this story: Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States. At the border, a customs officer asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?" "Any time, Ma'am," the officer said. "We never close the US.."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thea Re: Visible alert Dear Webby I know this isn't necessarily a web or computer question, but you seem to have an engineers compulsion to help and improve things. OK, now that I have buttered you up, here is my question. I have lost my hearing and can't hear my door bell. I live in a rental and can't go rewire things, and the cutesy little chime is down by the door. Is there some solution to those problems? Thea Dear Thea There sure is! Go to X-10 Bell and get their Halloween special. It includes a motion detector that you aim from above the door down to the door mat. Don't aim it too far out, otherwise activity at your neighbor's house will set it off. Then you plug the transceiver and the lamp module in wherever you want a lamp or a fan. Then you simply plug a light or a fan into those. When somebody steps into the area covered by the sensor, the fan or the light comes on. That's all there is to it. Usually that kit costs around $60, but between now and Halloween they got it on special for $20. It also includes a portable chime for those who can hear. Like the lamp module, you can plug it in wherever you have an outlet that is on the same half of the breaker panel as the transceiver. Since the transmitter is good for about 100 feet, that should not be a problem. The motion detector is wireless and talks to the transceiver, which then puts a coded signal onto the electrical system in your house, similar to the way DSL is put onto the phone line. Any X-10 appliance module can read that signal. The motion sensor and the transceiver have a little code wheel that you set to the same number, so that it does not turn on other X-10 controlled stuff that you might have or get. You could, for example get another one for the back door, and turn on a different light with that one. X-10 is not something new. It has been around since the 60's. Have FUN! DearWebby

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Spaghetti from Boiling Over Add a teaspoon of olive oil to your spaghetti water to prevent it from boiling over. Butter or another vegetable oil can be substituted for olive oil. A pat of butter also works well to prevent rice from boiling over. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Cooking Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Migratory Bird Center
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Best video format 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 13, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Day to Canadians!

The entrepreneur always searches for change, responds to it, and exploits it as an opportunity." --- Peter F. Drucker
A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told him, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
My five-year-old son was alarmed when he heard a car horn honking enthusiastically. "People beep their horns after a couple is married," I explained. "Why?" he asked. "As a warning?"
Thanks to Jim for this picture: New York State - view from Mt. Hadley in the Southern Adirondack Mountains. Jim
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the District Council in Bromsgrove, England Gardener told to take down barbed wire to protect thieves A gardener who put up barbed wire to protect his allotment from thieves has been ordered to take it down in case intruders hurt themselves. Bill Malcolm, 61, was told to "remove it on health and safety grounds" by the local council which owns the allotments in Marlbrook, Worcestershire. He erected the deterrent after thieves struck three times in four months, stealing more than £300 worth of spades, forks, hoes and wrecking his potato patch in the process. Mr Malcolm said: "It's an absolutely ridiculous situation, all I wanted was to protect my property but the wire had to go in case a thief scratched himself. "I told them to let the thief sue me so at least that way I would know who was breaking into my allotment but everything I said fell on deaf ears. "The barbed wire was a single strand and ringing my property only. It was just three foot high and wasn't as though I'd dug a moat filled with piranha and erected six foot iron railings." A spokesman for Bromsgrove District Council made it clear on whose side they stood.
"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?" "Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her white cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arnie Re: Which video format is best? Dear Webby I am trying to put some short videos on my web page. There are so many different formats, that I am totally confused. I don't want to use the rough quality that the kids use on uTube, but I don't want the visitor to have to wait all evening for it to load. What is a good compromise for decent quality and reasonable loading speed? Arnie Dear Arnie The real secret to decent loading speed is a tripod. Compression saves a key frame and then just saves what changes between that and the next frame. If the camera is on a tripod, only the action part changes. If you jitter it around, everything changes. That results in a large final file, which will take much longer to load, no matter what format you use. Next you have to consider your audience. In North America and Asia over 90% of visitors have Flash Player, 75% have Windows Media Player. In Europe they seem to favor Quicktime, not because it is better or faster, -it defintely is not-, but because they tend to be more religious about using non-Microsoft products. Both Flash (flv, swf) and Media Player (wmv) CAN deliver excellent, professional quality video on a decent connetion. On slow connections Flash is usually better. It starts streaming sooner, but it may slow down or even stop, until the loading catches up, and then sometimes give you some very fast motion. When a fast start is not that important, I prefer Media Player format (wmv). The motion is steady throughout, and the video quality is just as good, sometimes even better than with Flash. Have FUN! DearWebby

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wrinkled Slacks But No Iron? If you have wrinkled slacks but no iron, just put the slacks neatly over the towel bar in the bathroom while taking a shower. Be sure to close the bathroom door to trap as much steam as possible. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Laundry Tips Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Thanksgiving
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Monitor Cleaner 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 12, 2008

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. --- Ogden Nash The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. --- B. F. Skinner
*Laws of Life* * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. --------------- Not at the store where I shop. If you buy a single chocolate bar, they don't slide it down to the bag boy, but hand it to you to put into your pocket.
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date. One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy." "You guys know each other?" Barbie asked. "We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kevin Waddington, 40, in York, England One burglary too many YORK, England (UPI) -- An English family says they stopped a burglar who was attempting to steal from their house, sitting on him until police arrived. Julie Broadway, 43, of York said she was awakened at about 2 a.m. by a sound that she initially thought was cats in the house but was revealed to be a burglar when a beam of light went past her bedroom door, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "I was just angry. There was someone in my house that hadn't been invited," she said. Broadway said she pursued the thief and was soon joined by her husband Glen, a 226-pound former forestry worker who dragged the burglar back into the house and sat on him until police arrived. The couple said at one point, the thief attempted to reach for a knife, but their daughter, Megan, rapped him on the knuckles with an umbrella. Kevin Waddington, 40, who has 143 previous convictions for theft, pleaded guilty in York Crown Court to burglary. His defense attorney said he had been under the influence of drugs and alcohol at the time of the incident.
An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kevin Re: Monitor cleaner Dear Webby Do I need to buy that expensive monitor cleaning fluid, or is there a cheaper alternative? Thanks Kevin Dear Kevin Ordinary Windex or similar glass cleaner works fine. For wiping material you can use micro-fiber cloth, old, well wornand washed T-Shirts cut into rags, anything soft like old cloth diapers or bed sheets. Paper is OK for CRT monitors, but for LCD monitors, which sometimes have soft material on the screen, you definitely should use soft and clean cloth. CRT monitors should be turned off for a while before cleaning. They use powerful electrical attraction to attract the beams of electrons from the back to the front. Some of that attraction also works to attract dirt to the front of the screen. When your Windex liquifies the dirt and the surfactant in it creeps under the dirt to lift it off, it also creeps into the microscopic craters that are etched into the glass, to make it less reflective. Best is to clean it once with just barely enough spray, to get the dirt off, and then once more with plenty of liquid, to clean out the tiny craters. Have FUN! DearWebby

During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products. She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets. The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Furniture Visit your local thrift stores and look for gently used furniture. Keep an open mind. A coat of paint can make many pieces of furniture look new. Even particle board furniture can be painted, just use fine sand paper to lightly scuff the surface first. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Home Improvement Tips If you are going to paint it anyway, don't let nicks, scratches and gouges deter you. Poly-Filla is cheap, and a lot harder than the original wood. Keep that in mind when sanding! Use hard backing for the sand paper. For badly worn cross braces / footrests on tables, make a sleeve from a piece of leftover carpet and attach it with snaps. Soft, fuzzy bathroom ruglets work fine too. They are cheap, and washable. You will be surprised how comfortable they are and how good they look. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendent replied, "$3.10..."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vinegar - 1001 Uses
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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