100 Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer 

Completely Outrageous
– Sometimes I am just in a mood for exaggerating and so I’ll lay one of these on the caller:


1. Sorry I am right in the middle of disarming a bomb (RED WIRE or BLUE WIRE!!!!).

2. Yes I do have a minute but have to warn you that my phone could be shutoff at any point during this call as I refuse to pay my bill.

3. I’m sorry there is an alligator in my backyard and I have to use this phone to call animal control.

4. I am right in the middle of committing suicide so don’t say the wrong thing or you might push me over the edge literally.

5. I am trapped in a box that is buried under ground so I’m not going to need your services.

6. I am just about to take off in my hot air balloon, sounds like you might be a gas bag, wanna come?

7. Whoo hoo! I just won the lottery, they just called my NUMBERS on the TV!

8. I would talk to you but I believe my phone is tapped so I won’t ever be able to safely use it again.

9. I need to use my phone to call the President of the United States and alert him to your great offer.

10. Charlie Sheen and I are about to go crazy with a night on the town and then we are going to rip apart his hotel room, I’m not missing this for anything!


Family Related
– If you have a family (okay even if you don’t) you can try these:

1. Queue kids crying (or just let out a whale yourself). Enough said.

2. Have your young child answer the phone and talk to your telemarketer friend (that can be pretty funny).

3. I’m sorry I have to go pick my child up from the school, the park, the anywhere…

4. I was just pulling dinner out of the oven for my family.

5. My son/daughter just spilled a glass of juice on the carpet.

6. Our dog has to go outside right now.

7. My son is learning to use the potty so now like every five minutes I have to take him in there.

8. I’m sorry my daughter needs the phone right now for a teen emergency.

9. Sorry you have to talk to my spouse about that.

10. Baby talk to them just like you would to an infant.


Pure Honesty – Sometimes you just have to say it like it is…


1. Honestly I have time to talk to you I just can’t stand telemarketers.

2. I am on the do not pester (call) list which you obviously ignored.

3. I wouldn’t talk to you if my life depended on it.

4. The sound of your voice makes a blood vessel pop in my head.

5. I can’t listen fast enough to hear all the crap you are rattling off.

6. If I had a dollar for every time one of you called, I might actually be able to afford what you are selling.

7. My time is too valuable to me and you are wasting it.

8. Take me off of your list. Goodbye.

9. If you would let me get a word in I would tell you, but since you won’t I’ll just hang up now.

10. I’ll listen to your awesome deal if you listen to my sad story about why you are wasting your time talking to me.


Caller-ID Assisted – So if you have caller ID like I do then you know that a telemarketer is about to call so you can use these:


1. If you have the name of the company you can just answer with the name of the company (Chase Bank, can I interest you in a credit card?).

2. For whatever reason I like to pick on pizza companies too so I’ll just answer and say thank you for calling Pizza Hut, may I please put you on hold?

3. Sometimes I’ll do the old Seinfeld bit and pretend to be a movie service. Thank you for calling Cinemark, the following movies are currently showing… Press 1 for… I did not hear you why don’t you tell me what movie you would like to see.

4. My old standby, just let it go over to the machine or voicemail and avoid the whole situation (weak, but I do it too often).

5. If you are really thinking ahead you can play back a recording from the last time they called you.

6. You can repeat their phone number and let them know you are going to report them to the BBB (make up any old reason).

7. If you are up on all the companies you can pretend to be the CEO or someone important in the company, see if they recognize the name.

8. You can act surprised and say how long it has been since you last chatted and how you are looking forward to catching them up on all the latest.

9. You can play their most recent radio ad or tv commercial back to them over the phone when you pick up.

10. You can 3-way call them to another rep at their company (use the number from caller ID).


Bathroom Related
– Okay well this is one of the surest and easiest ways to get them off of the phone.


1. Sorry I am right in the middle of dropping a deuce.

2. Just a simple flush of the toilet can get them off of the line.

3. I can’t believe this still works after I dropped it in the toilet, wow that’s some engineering, eh?

4. I have a really bad case of diarrhea and really got to run.

5. Excuse me I need to go see a man about a horse.

6. Do you think it is rude to talk on the phone while I go to the bathroom (crude noises to follow).

7. Oh man! I am out of toilet paper you think you can have someone bring me a square or two?

8. Run the tub or shower and let them know you can’t hear them too well over the water.

9. Ask the telemarketer if they installed a phone in their bathroom too.

10. Lecture them on the possible health risks of “holding it.”


Work Related
– This works out really well if you are either at work or work from home at times (and who doesn’t do that nowadays???).


1. My boss is on the other line can you call back?

2. I am in the middle of a meeting and can’t talk now.

3. I have to send a fax right now and I only have one phone line.

4. I am swamped with work, can’t talk now.

5. This is a work phone number stop calling me here.

6. If I get caught talking on the phone I could lose my job.

7. I have a client on the other line.

8. My tech support specialist just picked up on the other line, gotta go.

9. Put them on hold with your own muzak while you get the “boss”.

10. Tell them you are writing a list of the 100 best ways to get rid of a telemarketer and see what ideas they might have.


Sports Related – If you are a big sports fan you might try these.


1. Gooooooooooooaaaaaalllllllll! Soccer game is on gotta run.

2. YES! YES! Whoo hoo! Awesome score! I can’t believe it! Hang up.

3. Talk about the latest antics of Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, or any of the craziest of crazy sports stars.

4. Ask the telemarketer for fantasy football, baseball, or basketball advice.

5. Bounce a basketball and make it clear that you are playing hoops.

6. Run in place until you get out of breath.

7. Start wheezing and coughing as if you ran too much and have asthma.

8. Start telling the telemarketer about your high school sports glory days.

9. Make it sound like you are in a stadium with thousands of screaming fans.

10. Grunt like you are lifting weights and they are super heavy.


Religious Related
– You have to be willing to use your religion for an unintended purpose.


1. Sorry it is time for me to sacrifice an animal to the god of wealth and fortune.

2. Bless you sir, I do have some time if you have some time for me to tell you about my church.

3. It is against my religious beliefs to talk business on a Monday night (during football season).

4. This is the church’s phone number please don’t call here.

5. I’d listen to you, but it’s time for my daily devotions.

6. You’ll have to send a donation to keep talking to me on the phone.

7. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Do you want me calling you?

8. I’d like to talk to you but I believe you are the devil.

9. I donated all of my worldly possessions to my supreme leader please call him.

10. If I did have time to talk I’m sure there are better ways I should be spending it helping my family, church, or community.


Medical Related
– Again, this is probably borderline unethical but you can try these.


1. Sorry I have to collect my stool sample for the doctor and it is an emergency.

2. Continuously cough as if you are having a terrible coughing fit.

3. Tell them you have a bloody nose and have to tend to it.

4. Tell them you got distracted coming to the phone and cut yourself with a knife that you were dicing onions with.

5. Tell them you just burned yourself taking something out of the oven when the phone startled you.

6. I have to take some medication right now that will put me asleep for a few hours, please call back.

7. Continuous sneezing may do the trick as well if you can make it sound semi-legit especially.
You get extra credit for blowing your nose loudly after each one.

8. Well one that I hear frequently is the old headache excuse but I’d go for a migraine it’s much more effective.

9. I can’t hear, I lost my hearing aid (of course talk loudly).

10. I just got back from the dentist (talk like your mouth is numb).


Annoying – If you really have some time to kill try these:


1. Repeat everything they say back to them.

2. Talk over them non-stop about literally anything.

3. Read a book or newspaper loudly while they are talking.

4. Turn up the music right by the phone and tell them you can’t hear them.

5. Tell them you are hard of hearing and can’t hear them, keep it up.

6. Just bark like a dog the entire time.

7. Talk very loudly in any made-up language you can think of
(you can resort to R2D2 Star Wars talk if you must…nerd alert).

8. Talk in pig latin to them.

9. Say everything backwords (literall each word).

10. Just let out a big loud scream.




[ view entry ] ( 340 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 676 )


Are spiral lamps OK around monitors? 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, December 13, 2010

I was surprised to find out today, that people in China are not
allowed to watch that NASA shuttle launch video. The same 
goes for almost all YouTube content. I agree that there is a 
lot of silly and useless stuff on YouTube, but there is also 
a lot of good, clean information there, that I would really 
miss if I was not allowed to view it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
I never know how much of what I say is true. --- Bette Midler It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. --- James Thurber If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. --- Bill Vaughan
"I'd like two pork chops," said the patron to her butcher, "and make them lean." "Yes ma'am," said the obliging butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

Many answering machines have a test button to test play your different answering messages. You can easily save a special one on the alternate message and play that for nuisance callers. Here is an example: "This is the Microwave speaking. The answering machine is too busy to talk to you. If you want anything boiled, please hold it up to the phone. If you are a telemarketer, please press the star key now."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Today is Lucia day in Sweden. Lillemor Doesn't she look cute with her new hairdo?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to two not named people in Ft Walton Beach, Florida Driver's unzipped pants lead to passenger's arrest FORT WALTON BEACH -- A man stopped for driving with an inoperable brakelight on Nov. 23 was questioned when the officer noticed the man's pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. The condition of the man's pants was obvious when he was asked to step out and look at the lights for himself When the officer questioned him, the driver said he had just left his girlfriend's house and had picked up the 36-year-old female in his car to give her a ride home. After the officer advised the man that he believed a sexual act was performed in the vehicle, the man said the female had offered to perform that sexual act for $20. The man added that he had paid the $20 but had not yet gotten the act. The defendant had $20 in her pocket, according to her Fort Walton Beach Police Department arrest report. She was charged with soliciting for prostitution. The slow on the zipper blabbermouth was not charged.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Re: Spiral tube fluorescents Dear Webby, I am considering changing the lighting to save money. Can I use those spiral tube fluorescent lights near monitors or will that cause flickering and eye strain? Thanks Rosa --------------------- Dear Rosa That depends on where you are. In Europe, where they use lazy 50 Hz electricity, people do indeed complain about flicker. In the rest of the world, where we use 60 Hz, the flicker is not noticeable. In addition to that, the newer spiral tube lamps use phosphors and other oxides, that remain glowing longer, and they also use diferent electronics to shift the frequency up. If you use one of those adjustable Z-arm light fictures with a conical or hat style reflector shining down onto your desk from about two feet away, a 13 Watt spiral tube lamp will give you comfortable lighting. It won't light up the entire office like two sets of four 40Watt fluorescents would, but your work station will be well lit, at 1/12th the electrical cost. Just be gentle with those Z-arm fixtures. The post, on which they swivel, is made to break easily. Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

One of Ginny's picture frames was broken, and she decided to try her hand at repairing it. A screw was missing in one corner, so sheI called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" she asked. "What size do you need?" "I don't know, but it's rather small." The man sighed. "Ma'am, would that be closer to 'itsy-bitsy' or 'teeny-weeny?'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Ziplock Bags To Organize Stocking Stuffers Each Christmas, I collect stocking stuffers for my children, my husband and myself. To make sure that the stockings are going to be equally full, I place each person's items in a gallon ziplock bag, which is just the right size for our stockings. This keeps me organized as well as making sure I don't get too much stuff. Merry Christmas! By Stephanie from Hillsboro, OR http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words, "Turn the box around."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry and don't want to waste money on a silly tooth." the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

» Coming to a sky near you on Tuesday





[ view entry ] ( 199 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 10 )
The Perfect Christmas Gift 

The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!

Learn the secrets to saving time, money, and effort!

Declutter your life!

Learn how to create inexpensive, effective homemade cleaning recipes, and step-by-step speed cleaning instructions.

Discover the secret methods to declutter and stay decluttered.

This book has it all.

This is the perfect Christmas gift for the environmentally concious.

This is the gift that will actually get USED.

Get Speedy Green Cleaning!
Click Here!


[ view entry ] ( 179 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 1621 )


The Grinch Test 

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
(5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
(5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.
(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
(1 point for each piece of sticky candy).
If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.
(5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.
(5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.
(5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore].
(5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
(5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year.

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.
(20 points)



Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.


[ view entry ] ( 363 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 333 )


Computer to old Boom Box 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, December 12, 2010

Here is a nice treat for you, if you are the least bit interested in
the space shuttle: Ascent
It is a collection of fairly high resolution super slow motion videos
of shuttle launches shot from diferent angles with some incredible
cameras, some with lenses, that weigh over 200 pounds. 
Ascent has just been released by NASA.

Some of the videos have been shot at 1200 frames per second, 
and are then displayed at YouTube standard 24 frames per second.

I found myself hitting ALT-PrintScreen again and again to clip
a frame, not so much on the real close-ups, but on really lucky
coincidences, like this one with the sun peeking around the 
booster.



Get your coffee during the boring two minute introduction. 
Ascent is 45 minutes long, showing shuttle launches from
many different angles and distances.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. --- Robert Orben Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? --- George Wallace Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --- Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "Where is what ?", Scott answered. "My ball! My golf ball!" "Oh, I don't know. I was watching that cute lady over there. Her ball went into the water."
Thanks to Rosemarie for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Australian mountain parrots, the red and blue kind are Crimson Rosella and the red and green are King Parrots.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robin Powell, 45 and Hayley Powell, 18 in Gastonia, NC Mother, daughter both charged with DWIs after crash in Gastonia Gastonia, North Carolina (The Weekly Vice) - A mother and daughter were arrested Sunday on DUI charges after they struck a vehicle, fled the scene of the accident and then attempted to switch drivers to avoid a DUI arrest - when both were intoxicated anyway, and the mother had a revoked drivers license. Hayley Powell, 18, was under the influence of prescription type pills when she crashed into another vehicle at 3:35 p.m. on Sunday in Gastonia. Fearing a second possible DWI charge, Hayley switched seats with her mom, 45-year-old Robin Powell. Mom, though, was not a good choice, either. Robin Powell admitted to the officer that she had been using cocaine and prescription drugs, and her driver's license had been revoked some time ago. As a result, both Powells were charged with DWI, hit and run, and various other charges. They were both booked into the Gaston County Jail, where they are rather familiar faces. Hayley has been booked 11 times in the past 14 months, while Mom has been arrested eight times since 2008.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angela Re: Head set microphone and speakers Dear Webby, I got mom's "Ol' Boom Box", actually a huge entertainment center, including a TV, that doesn't work, a record player, fancy cut glass door cabinets, carved ornamental grills in front of huge speakers, and gorgeous sound that used to wake me up two floors up. Can I use that instead of the earphones on my head set, but keep the microphone part? How do I connect to the Ol Boom Box? It has screw terminals instead of sockets. Thanks Angela --------------------- Dear Angela Yes, you most certainly can use mom's Ol' Boom Box! To connect, get a 1/8" Stereo to 4 wire screw terminal splitter cable from RadioShack. Plug the 1/8" stereo jack into the green socket on the copmputer, and connect the screw terminals to the AUX Input on the boom box, or where the record player is connected. If left and right speakers wind up reversed, just switch the wires to the red terminals. The black ones are common and won't make a difference. Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her a card, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Attach Child's Picture to Gift We have young grandchildren who live out of state so to make their Christmas gifts seem even more special, we attach a picture of each child to their gift. We use a single hole punch to make a hole in a corner of the picture. We laminate the photo but you don't have to. Then run a small piece of ribbon through the hole and tie the ends together. Next (after wrapping the gift) run a second ribbon through the first one and then around the gift, and tie it off. We place a bow on the knot for looks. Then after they open the gift they use the new picture as an ornament for the tree. If you put the date on the back of the picture they can see how they have changed through the years. It creates a great memory tree. Hope you enjoy this tip. Source: I'm not sure where I got it. We have been doing this for a few years now. By Shotowolf from Columbus, OH http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life. "So, John, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," John shook his head sadly, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats. We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good church service." The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head. The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly. "Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy. We went up there, got to know 'em a little bit, got 'em baptized and started passing the collection plate to them. Haven't seen 'em since."

» Weird Critters
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice- mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager got a message on his answering machine: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long....





[ view entry ] ( 191 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 15 )
Reindeer Selection 


[ view entry ] ( 274 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 147 )
Printing calendars 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, December 11, 2010
Thank you David!

When I went to the kitchen to get some water, I noticed 
that the outside motion activated light was on and some
movement. There were four deer casually sauntering 
along the fence and taking a shortcut behind the garage
to the back alley. They seem to take that route quite
frequently, but today was the first time I actually saw them.

Because I just have a very low wattage spiral tube light 
out there and it was quite foggy, there was no point 
running for the camera. 

Hopefully by next winter I can set up a motion activated
webcam.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. --- Oscar Wilde Never confuse motion with action. -- Benjamin Franklin "All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost." -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks passed before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To pull out all his savings?"
Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Brittney Sykes, 23 and Emma Westhusing, 19 in Portland, Oregon Bank robbers wasted time googling "Tracking Device" Brittney Sykes and Emma Westhusing had been talking about robbing a bank for about a month when the duo allegedly pulled a heist Monday at an Oregon credit union. The weapon-free robbery netted them $1370--for 20 minutes, at least. Sykes, 23, handed the teller a note, while Westhusing, 19, drove the getaway car--were almost immediately undone by a tracking device that the teller placed among the 48 bills she forked over. An amusing U.S. District Court affidavit describes what happened when the duo found the suspicious device when they returned to Sykes’s house to count the loot. Sykes (pictured above left) told investigators that she “went to a computer and searched the Internet to figure out what the device might be.” Panicking and assuming that the pair would be busted, Sykes “ran out to her car and hid the device.” It is unclear why she did not try to dispose of it somewhere besides underneath the driver’s side floor mat in her purple Hyundai Accent. For her part, Westhusing said that when the tracking device was discovered, Sykes thought it was a dye bomb, “so she threw it against the wall.” Her cohort, she added, “then stomped on it, and then looked up what it was on the Internet.” While the pair was busy Googling, Oregon cops were following a GPS signal to Sykes’s Portland residence. The pair was arrested on a federal bank robbery charge.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Printing calendars Dear Webby; Thanks for sharing your time with us. The pics today are beautiful. Wish I knew where they had been taken. I was wondering if you know of a site that I can print off a yearly calendar free. I usually have one next to the pc that is monthly about 3"x3" that I has a sticky top like post it paper but the restaurant it came from is closed now. I tried to make one w/ Microsoft office that is installed here but it comes out too small. I figure I would just cut the months apart & stick them up as I need them. The same goes with copy & paste from the online sites I've seen. Sharon --------------------- Dear Sharon Dear Sharon The pictures are from near Stockholm, Sweden The printing depends a lot on the printer you use. Cheap printers have narrow carriages and wide margins and can really mess up on small items. If I wanted to print 3" x 3" calendars or any size calendars, I would use ClickBook. You have seen me mention it in the Humor Letter many times over the last dozen years. With that you have over 170 different formats you can choose. Look in the Wallet Booklets area, and in the Flip Books. An alternative would be to use Avery Labels, or pretend to. Most word processors have templates for Avery Labels. For example Label # 8164 is 3 1/3" x 4", six per sheet. In Open Office Writer, hit File New Labels and at the bottom right select Avery and 8164 Shipping Labels Whatever you have in the text area in the top there, will show in all six labels, when you hit NEW PAGE. Just edit the other five months, and print. Open Office also has a whole bunch of different calendar and daily planner templates at http://templates.services.openoffice.org/en/taxonomy/term/197 Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

As a passenger ship passed a small island, a bearded man could be seen shouting and furiously waving his arms. "Who is that?" a passenger asked the captain. "I have no idea," the captain replied, "But every year when we pass he goes nuts."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Driving Nails Into Plaster Walls Without Cracking If you'll heat a nail hot enough so that you have to handle it with pliers, you'll find that it can be driven into a plaster wall with much less danger of cracking the plaster. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO The pro's do the opposite. We wet the nail by holding it in the mouth. That little bit of spit gives it just enough lubrication, so that on most types of plaster it will go in without causing any cracks. In hot, dry weather it helps to also moisten the spot, where you will drive the nail. Have FUN! DearWebby http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Laura's husband, Ron, was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue." "Yes, I know." said Ron. "It's my wife Laura, she is out of control." "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you make?" asked the banker. "Frankly," replied Ron with a deep sigh, "because it is a lot safer to argue with you than with her."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

» Ajanta Caves
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, a very menacing voice was heard from the back, "My recruiter."





[ view entry ] ( 153 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.8 / 18 )
AND function in Excel 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, December 10, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

A reader asked me if I could think of a project, that could 
get her mother motivated out of the funk, she has been in
since dad died. Mother doesn't like traveling, and can't do
crafts in her tiny apartment.

Well, the answer to that is easy! Mother can do a Legacy,
a web site, that chronicles her life. One does not have to 
be famous in order to write an autobiography, and usually
the not famous people had more interesting lives anyway.

She can start like a photo album, and fill in stories as she
thinks about them. And they don't have to be any more
truthful, than the ones in Bill Clinton's biography.

Doing it is as easy as writing an email, the cost is negligible, 
and coaching is included. So, why not? It definitely is
someting one can get excied about, and in the long run
more valuable to descendants than some hand knit socks.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
Women always think they can change their man They never change. Men alway hope that their woman won't change They always change. --- Socrates
A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his girlfriend and her mom could go to some tupperware party . At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back. At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted: "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink Less."
Thanks to Lillemor for these pictures: Click through the picture to the large version. Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Thomas Nelon Jr., 29, of Vinton, Virginia Meth-maker's proudly displayed GED certificate told cops who ran drug lab A man who hung his GED certificate above his methamphetamine cooking rig, then fled police by taking to the woods with a tent and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, pleaded guilty today to charges that could send him to prison for years. John Thomas Nelon Jr., 29, of Vinton, pleaded guilty in federal court in Roanoke to charges that he manufactured meth and that he did so in the presence of a minor. U.S. District Judge Samuel Wilson ordered a pre-sentencing report. A sentencing date was not immediately available. Nelon made his meth in a garage, where he and his 15-year-old girlfriend also lived, Assistant U.S. Attorney Andrew Bassford said. When an anonymous tip led to a police search in May, officers found meth-making equipment and ingredients. Officers also found Nelon’s GED certificate hanging above the gear, leaving little doubt who they were looking for, Bassford said. Neighbors around the garage, located in the 100 block of Vinton’s West Madison Avenue, were evacuated as coverall-wearing officers cleared potentially hazardous chemicals from the site. Nelon, having heard about the search, went into hiding in the Bedford County woods, Bassford said. But he took scant provisions and when his girlfriend went to resupply him, officers were watching. Nelon tried to run, but "he did not outrun the police dog," Bassford said. Nelon chuckled at Bassford’s account and told the judge he did not dispute it.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Britta Re: Excel AND formula Dear Webby, My hubby printed out your letter and work and brought it home, because I do a lot of work with spreadsheets. I love the way you explain things, with the reason and logic, not just the how. Maybe you can explain how to use the AND function in formulas. It just does not make sense to me. Thanks Britta --------------------- Dear Britta The AND function does not stand alone, because it only returns a TRUE or FALSE, not a number. So you nest it inside an IF formula. IF [ (this is true AND that is true), then do ABC, else if not BOTH those tests are true, then do DEF ] And example would be: =IF(AND(B5 > 7, B5 < 10), P2,P3) It is a bit odd, that the AND is at the front, but that is because it has to be outside the bracket, that has the conditions. You can, of course, have more than just two conditions evaluated for true or not true. Only when ALL the conditions inside those re brackets are true, THEN the IF part uses the first choice, whatever is in P2. If any one of the conditons inside the red AND brackets is not true, then the IF uses the second choice, whatever is in P3. Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Dough." (Plato was a famous philosopher in Greece about 2400 years ago)
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soak Cooking Raisins in Liquid Whenever a recipe calls for raisins, before adding them, I always soak them in a liquid that goes with the recipe. Praline liqueur or rum for bread pudding, apple or orange juice for cookies, breads, etc. This adds flavor, produces a moister dish and for a few pennies the raisins look so much more extravagant. By Frazzled Leslie from Metairie, LA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued trying to get the car started up again. Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and honk your horn for you."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A good wife sometimes forgives her husband when she's wrong.

» Paper Snow Flakes
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk'."





[ view entry ] ( 167 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 45 )
Another Christmas Toon 


[ view entry ] ( 290 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 560 )
Projection graphs 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thank you Bill ! 
Thank you Lawrence!

A friend forwarded me an article about how the WikiLeak supporters
had attacked Sarah Palin's site with a massive Denial Of Service
attack, to silence her and prevent her from speaking out against
WikiLeaks.

Huh ?
On one hand, the leaky kids demand free speech and freedom
of information, but woe unto anybody, who dares speak out
against them. They seem to be even more immature, 
than I had thought they were!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
"A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." --- Nikos Kazantzakis If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. --- Dick Cavett
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already potty-trained."
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive. After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size. "One," she replied, "and a dog."
Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Osewski, 20, in Bolingbrook, Ollinois Convicted burglar hits same house BOLINGBROOK, Ill., Dec. 7 (UPI) -- Police in Illinois said a man on probation for burglary returned to the same home and took many of the same items. Bolingbrook police Lt. Mike Rompa said "a laptop computer, camera, Wii and Xbox video game systems, a platinum and diamond engagement ring, other jewelry, stocks, bonds and $50 in change -- roughly $20,000 worth of property" was stolen during the Nov. 30 break-in. Investigators said similarities to a May 28, 2009, burglary at the same residence led them to interview Robert Osewski, 20, who was on probation for the crime. Osewski and alleged accomplice Anthony Gant, 21, were arrested and charged with residential burglary. Osewski was charged with an additional count of possession of stolen property. Police said some of the stolen items were recovered in a Lemont forest preserve.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ada Re: Excel graph trick Dear Webby, or should I call you Mr Excel? My boss saw a graph of something or other, that had the current points on the graph projected to the right, as if there was not going to be any changes from today to year end. He tried and cussed for hours, but just couldn't find a way to do that. I tried too, and couldn't either. We have the date in column A, then today's weight of one client in column B, and the change up or down from yesterday in column C. Column C is used on the graph, showing the daily changes. Then D and E are for the 2nd client, F and G for the 3rd, and so on. That much works OK, but he doesn't want the line for future dates to drop to zero as if the client had died, and is quite obsessed about that. Can you help me look good? Thanks Ada --------------------- Dear Ada There is no command or choice for that in Excel. You have to do it with a little formula. Let's assume today is day #341 In column B341 you have some weight number. In column C we want either the difference between today and yesterday, or else, if there is no weight number in column B, we will just repeat yesterday's number in Column C. In a formula, you wold say that like this: (in C341) =IF(B341<>"",+B341-B340,+C340) IF B 341 is NOT empty, then B341 - B340, else what is in yesterday's C: C340 Copy that from C341 all the way to year end or a few hundred lines down into column C. Highlight C341 down to the bottom, CTRLC to copy that, go to E341, CTRL V to paste, go to G341, CTRL V to paste, and so on. Now when you look at the graph, each person's jaggy line ends with a perfectly level laser beam from today to the right end of the graph, in the same color as their jagged history line. Just straight math and easy to understand graph. However, if you were a COGR (Consensus Of Grant Requestors) Scientist, then you would modify that formula to =IF(B341<>"",+B341-B340,+C340*1.035) to make the projected future lines curve ever steeper upward. A smart COGR scientist of course will expect some criticism and a need to quickly adjust. You probably don't have anything in cell A1, so write 1.015 into that cell, and modify the formula to =IF(B341<>"",+B341-B340,+C340*$A$1) and copy that into columns C, from day 2 to the last day of the sheet. Copy that column into columns E, G, I, etc. Whatever fudge number or COGR factor you put into A1, the spreadsheet will use that in place of $A$1 in the formula. Now, by simply changing the secret number in A1, you change how the future projection curves up or down. In your business a negative number like -1.01 might look better, for a slight downward trend. Yes, you too can be a COGR scientist! Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained." "You have?" asked the other. "Yes, explained the first mouse. "Every time I press down the bar, he gives me food. You should try it too!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cinnamon Sticks to Decorate Packages I wrap up cinnamon sticks with plaid ribbon and use it on gifts along with the bows as an "extra" gift. I also use the cinnamon sticks as Christmas ornaments. By ilovemydog from Pittsburgh, PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought. Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you dope."

» Balloon Animals
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Schwartz, the town grouch. So Schwartz went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special: "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Schwartz: "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Schwartz wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Schwartz to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Schwartz," says the doctor. So Schwartz goes home very mad. One month later, Schwartz goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Schwartz, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Schwartz fled the office..





[ view entry ] ( 164 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 50 )
Move On! Nothing To See Here 


[ view entry ] ( 234 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 396 )
Toon 


[ view entry ] ( 197 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 218 )
Locked Titles in Excel 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thank you Helene ! 
Thank you Cheryl !
Thank you Cookie !

If you are in Great Britain, this might be a good Christms to
celebrate elsewhere. The earliest wintry blast for 17 years
put GB right back into the cold ripple, crippled the transport
network and already claimed at least 13 lives. 

Six or more inches of snow are predicted for next week,
and most definitely a White Christmas, with temperatures 
in the -20s inthe northern half and Scotland.

Hundreds of motorists are still battling to get hoime after
Scotland endured what it's transport minister, Stewart Stevenson
called the "worst snow and ice conditions since the 60's".

The government advised that, if you can't stay away, stay home.

A baby boom is expected late August 2011.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato - the best part under ground. --- Thomas Overbury
Thanks to Manin for this one: A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
The Ultimate Guide to Speedy Green Cleaning!
No other product like it. The secrets to saving time, money,
effort and to declutter your life! From cheap, effective home
made cleaning recipes, step-by-step speed cleaning instructions,
and how to declutter and stay decluttered. This book has it all.

If you need a low cost Christmas gift,
that will actually get USED, get Speedy Green Cleaning!

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her and asked. "Would you like to go out, girl?" Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lawrence Bidlack, 46, in Geneva, Ill Principal clocked at 103 mph in 45 mph zone GENEVA, Ill. (UPI) -- The principal of a suburban Chicago school could face up to a year in jail after allegedly driving his sports car 103 mph in a 45 mph zone, police said. Police said Lawrence Bidlack, 46, principal of Geneva Middle School North, was pulled over after he was clocked driving his Porsche nearly 60 mph over the speed limit in Campton Hills and is now facing a misdemeanor charge with a possible one-year sentence, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. The Sun-Times said Bidlack couldn't be reached for comment and Geneva School District 304 Superintendent Kent Mutchler said it will be up to the courts to decide the principal's fate. ------------- Not setting a good example!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trevor Re: Can you lock titles in Excel? Dear Webby, Can you lock title rows and side columns like in other spreadsheets? I am pretty sure you can by now, but I can't find anything in the Excel help about that. What do you know about it? Trevor --------------------- Dear Trevor In the early days of spreadsheets there was fierce competition with huge law suits. For example, Lotus123 sued Borland Quattro for using the same "Look And Feel", because Borland had been reasonable and kept the gas pedal on the right. Even though Borland had developed their own, much better and faster code, they initially kept the user interface similar to VisiCalc, which had been adopted by Lotus. To make a long and sordid story short, the courts told Borland to change the user interface and make it look different from Lotus. That became tradition, and when Excel came along, they didn't want use the term "Locked Titles" for fear of getting sued by Borland Quattro. So they called it "Freezing a pane" and are still extremely careful about never mentioning anything about locking a title row or title column. You CAN do it, though, even without using Quattro to install locked title rows and then saving it in Excel format. Just highlight the row BELOW the one, that you want locked, click on WINDOW and select FREEZE PANEL. To lock a column, highlight the column to the right of it, click on WINDOW and select FREEZE PANEL. It does the same as VIEW, Locked Titles. For those, who are new to spreadsheets, Borland sold Quattro to WordPerfect, to use in their Office Suite. Then later Corel bought Word Perfect, added their graphics and is now selling Corel Office, still including Quattro and Word Perfect. Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

"Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and since I did not know how much about the "Birds and the Bees" they had told Sally, I was stalling until they returned home: "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Sally's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there has been no sex in our family, which is probably the reason everybody is so grouchy."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Shampoo For the cleanest, softest, fluffiest hair imaginable for literally pennies, save your old shampoo bottle. When you buy more, pour half of it into the old bottle and fill each bottle the rest of the way with a half and half solution of vinegar and water. The lather will be the richest ever, and your hair will squeak. It lifts the oils off your scalp so your hair stays clean looking longer and it rinses clean.There is no need to use creme rinse or conditioner, either. I use plain old Suave shampoo, about a dollar a bottle, and it makes my hair look and feel better than any expensive shampoo I have ever tried. The vinegar smell does not linger - try it! By dollyslaffn from Darien, GA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The case concerned a will Kelly was a witness. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," said the Irishman. "Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. The description read, "Instructions for the Ass of God." At first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight. Then I found out that the name of the destination was the "Assembly of God" church, and the parcel contained some kind of printer manual.

» Microscopic Pictures
Overheard while waiting in line at the bank: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.





[ view entry ] ( 189 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 58 )
Thoughts... 

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


[ view entry ] ( 187 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 242 )


Drunken Sailor Responds 


[ view entry ] ( 256 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 310 )
Line break in Excel formula output 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Subscriber Lillemor sent me a rather disturbing link:
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=40395
Muslim Brotherhood Front Group Trains Airport Screeners

The Muslim Public Affairs Council (MPAC) has completed training 
for 2,200 Transportation Safety Officers at the Los Angeles 
International Airport, according to a press release found on the 
MPAC website. 

MPAC is the outfit, that ordered Obama to stop using the words
terrorists, jihad, etc., when referring to "incidents" like 9/11
Apparently they figure that, if you can't name the enemy,
you can't aim at him.

Just in case they outsource airport security to Al Quaeda next,
I think next time I can afford to travel to the US, I'll try riding
a freight train again. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
"It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little - do what you can." --- Sydney Smith "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." --- Anne Frank
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "OK, we'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
Last Chance!This deal comes off tonight BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Grandma, are these for mom ? They are the same size as mom's bed!"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. The sun, yesterday.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Enson M. Ibanez, 25, in Salem, MA Man picks arrest rather than return 'too heavy' stolen planter Police arrested an Attleboro man Friday night when detectives spotted him and another man in the middle of Derby Street struggling to carry a large planter from a Derby Street business. Enson M. Ibanez, 25, is charged with disorderly conduct, malicious destruction, and larceny, but police offered the man a reprieve: Put the planter back where you found it and we won't arrest you. "No, it's too heavy," Ibanez told police, according to the report. Ibanez then put both his hands in front of him insinuating he wanted the police to put handcuffs on him and arrest him, the report said. Detectives Eric Connolly and Dennis Gaudet were in an unmarked cruiser at 11:30 p.m. Friday when they saw Ibanez, another man and a woman in front of Rouge Cosmetics at 322 Derby St. The two men picked up the large planter containing a bush and a set of white lights. "The two males and the female then walked in the direction of Lafayette Street with the two males having extreme difficulty carrying the heavy pot," police wrote in their report. The two men dropped the planter, leaving it in the middle of the road. When detectives got out of their cruiser, the other man ran away. The woman, who was not named by police, will be summonsed to court.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Line End in Excel Dear Webby, I know you answered this question before, at least once, but I can't find it. How do I make a line end, carriage return, new line, whatever you call it, in an Excel text, that is generated by a formula? Hitting ENTER just makes the cursor go onto the next cell. Thanks Mark --------------------- Dear Mark Hit ALT and ENTER For example: =CONCATENATE("Dear ",K2,"! ALT + ENTER Your "&TEXT(P42, "mmmm dd, yyyy"), order is ready.) ALT + ENTER Have FUN! DearWebby
Imagic Photo - image and photo enhancement software
Photo enhancement software that transforms ordinary,
drab photos into beautiful images.
YOU can do it with IMAGIC

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?" His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop Early Morning for Mark Downs One good way to save money at the grocery store without clipping coupons is to shop early in the morning. By getting to the store at 8 a.m. or so, you are able to take advantage of the mark downs. They do go fast. By Carla from Huntington, WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stopping. The guy without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same cantina and one says to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the bozo that got in the car when we were pushing it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."

» Painted Desert
An architect, an artist and a engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."





[ view entry ] ( 170 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 57 )
Friendly Holiday Advice 

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.



[ view entry ] ( 206 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 239 )


Precise mail filtering 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, December 6, 2010

When I was a kid, living in the mountains of Austria, this was the
day when St Nicolas came by, accompanied by a scary devil.

It struck me as a bit incongruous that they showed up in a beat
up old Volkswagen Beetle, but the roar of the big huge devil
quickly had me quaking in my socks, and when one smite of
St Nicolas's bishop's staff made the devil cringe and whimper,
I was duly impressed!

However, when St Nicholas started reading the long list of 
my sins, the devil cheered up and eagerly rattled his chains.
He did hit and cuff me around a bit, but kindly St Nicholas
stopped him, before things got out of hand.

After a solemn promise to improve my behavior, they made me
stand outside the front door, while they did their number on 
my sister.

She was still sniffling when dad called me inside again.
This time St Nicolas was really beaming and he mentioned
a few token good things I had done. Then he pulled a nicely
decorated pillow case from under his robe and started
dispensing glazed gingerbread, cookies, pear-bread, a chocolate
and an orange. For a mountain kid in post-war Austria, that
was eye popping STUFF!

I barely noticed when Dad escorted them out and handed them
the bottle of the medicinal Schnaps from the pantry. St Nicolas
and the devil took a good swig from the bottle and an envelope
dad gave them, and roared away in their old Volkswage Beetle.

At the time it all made sense, and was truly impressive.

As the fear of the devil waned, it was replaced with the threat
of being sent to Jagdberg, a juvenile jail / reform school, in
a scary looking old castle with skyhigh walls.

Then in University, a professor asked for a volunteer to be
Santa at Jagdberg, staring straight at me. 
Duh, yeah, OK, if nobody else ....

They couldn't find a devil, so I had to go alone. 
They gave me the suit and wig and beard, and the directions.
That was the year when Santa showed up on a motorcycle.

The staff there noticed my nervousness, so they gave me some
medicinal Schnaps first, and a few basic instructions.
After the first class they gave me more Schnaps and a few
hints with the stack of papers, one per inmate for the next class.
Then I got into the swing of things, roared like the devil of my
childhood when reading a student's misbehaviors, and smiled
like a proud grandpa, when praising them for their 
accomplishments.

Around midnight I had finished with all the inmates, and kinda 
faked it with the staff. (I didn't have any good/bad lists for the
staff and had to make them up.)

Then they gave me a sandwich and a big mug of coffee for my
parched throat and ushered me out.
Still in the Santa Suit I hopped on my bike and roared homewards,
well, to my girlfriend's place anyway, and just as the sky turned
light in the East, I did make it home. I briefly paused at the entrance,
where I had seen my first Santa. Life had come full circle.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. --- John Kenneth Galbraith Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. --- John Russell
Thanks to Moe for this story: The Texas Department of Labor claimed a small Tom Green County farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to Investigate him. Department of Labor Employee: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board." "Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." Department of Labor Employee: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the Mentally challenged one." Farmer: "That would be me."
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

Thanks to Martin for this story: Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion. "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Bactia Grape Wax
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Catherine Renee Watson, 36, and Daniel McGuire, 40. 83 jugs of moonshine in the trunk The sweet and innocent and hard done by dame, Catherine Watson, is a former law enforcement officer, and does know better, So does Daniel McGuire. Lake Wales, Florida - Polk deputies say they have arrested a Tennessee man who was transporting 83 jars of moonshine to a Sebring bar. Daniel McGuire, 40, was spotted by a Lake Wales police officer with several containters of moonshine in the trunk of his car on December 1. After asking the Polk Co. Sheriff's Office for assistance, deputies made a traffic stop on McGuire's car the next day. They found 83 quart-size jars of moonshine that McGuire claims he was delivering to a restaurant manager in Sebring. McGuire was arrested and charged with Possession of Moonshine, Transportation of Moonshine, Moving or Concealing Alcoholic Beverages with Intent to Defraud State, and Conspiracy to Violate the Beverage Law. The restaurant manager was also arrested. Catherine Renee Watson, 36, was charged with Conspiracy to Violate the Beverage Law. Deputies say Watson is the manager of the "Cowboys" bar in Sebring and also a former law enforcement officer in Glades, Hendry, and Hardee counties.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ryana Re: Mail with no sender showing Dear Webby, Can MailWasher filter out email, where the sender address is hidden? None of the tools I tried, can do that. Second question: Does MailWsher assign points for bad stuff and when a mail exceeds a certain number of points, it kills it? Ryana --------------------- Dear Ryana Yes, sure. Click together a filter like this: If the From field does not contain"@" or not "." then hide the message from the messages list , and and automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. I have no idea if spammers still use that trick, because I have used that filter almost 10 years, and have not seen a mail with a hidden sender field since. Re second question: No. Either you are pregnant, or not. The same with the mail. Either it is spam, or not. There is a hierarchy, though. If you set a filter to take precedence over the friends list, it will kill mail even if and address, that is in your friends list, is forged in as the sender. However, if you don't give the priority to that filter, then your friends can discuss or joke about stuff, that normally triggers that filter. You have even more control yet, by moving filters up or down the list. Once a mail has been OK'd or killed, it won't be checked by any further filters. There is no mushy "almost pregnant" sillyness. MailWasher makes just very precise yes or no decisions. Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
A man picked up is young son from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that morning, he asked his son if he got a part in the play. With great enthusiasm, the boy said that he had and said, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son," the dad said. "Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll give you a speaking part."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Totes for Storing Holiday Items I like using different colored totes for storing different holiday items. I use colors resembling the holiday, such as orange or black for Halloween and red and green for Christmas. It makes looking for them in storage a lot easier. I can find them in just a glance. By Jazalay from Frisco, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
For their 20th anniversary Nina and her husband vacationed in Hawaii, where they went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for Nina and one handsome young man. As she continued her underwater exploring, she noticed that everywhere she swam to, he swam. Nina snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. Nina felt very flattered and, as she took off her fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "It's my job to stay in the water till the last tourist is back on the boat."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" demanded the lawyer. "Well, a woman," the humble witness replied. The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" The witness said meekly, "Um, I don't know about yours, but MY mother did."

» Ayers Rock





[ view entry ] ( 156 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 57 )
All I want for Christmas... 


[ view entry ] ( 324 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 228 )
List of rules every women should know 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Check your oil! Please. You always know when you're out of food to cook.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

12. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will be scratched.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

21. You have enough clothes.

22. You have too many shoes.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway).

24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.




[ view entry ] ( 260 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 234 )


How to deal with spam 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, December 5, 2010

England ran out of road salt already. They are not talking about
Gullible warming any more and are checking what kind of road
clearing inventory they had in the 70s. By mid winter, we have
to expect the same thing here too. If I had money, I would
invest it in a snow blower.

I built quite a few snowblowers in the 70's and 80's in the Yukon, 
and learned a lot about clearing rough country roads. The 
biggest challenge on my mile long road was not the steepness,
but the grouse. During daytime they picked at the bank beside
the road to get at the dry gravel behind rocks embedded in
the dirt. And rolled the rocks down onto the road, where they
hid in the snow. A head size rock will snap the shear-pin in
any big snow-blower.If the shear pin didn't shear off, the
damage would be a lot more expensive. 

That doesn't make changing shear-pins in the dark at -40
a cheerful event, though. On the last one the shear pin was 
easy to get at, with a light permanently mounted to light
the work area, a tray underneath to catch anything I dropped,
and the necessary tools nice and warm in my coveralls.
Good old days!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts. --- John Locke "Count your age with friends but not with years." --- Socratex
One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Darrell Fudge, 54, of Newfoundland Doper arrested after following GPS cuts deal, dropped off at border FARMINGTON, Maine — A Canadian man who followed GPS directions to a U.S. border post with a pound of marijuana in his vehicle has settled his legal case in Maine by surrendering his truck and paying $490 in fines and fees. Fifty-four-year-old Darrell Fudge of Newfoundland said he never intended to enter the United States on Sunday and he thought the border post was a toll bridge. Instead, U.S. agents searched his truck and discovered the marijuana in a cooler. The case was turned over to Maine police. On Wednesday, Fudge pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor drug charge and he forfeited a 2003 Chevrolet Silverado pickup truck. The Sun Journal of Lewiston says Fudge was then given a ride to the border. Fudge's lawyer says Fudge never wants to visit Maine again.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lindsay Re: How do I deal with all the spam? Dear Webby, How do I deal with all the spam!!!? I am getting so frustrated, that i don't even want to check my mail any more, but then the pile of mail just gets even bigger! And to add insult to injury, a lot of the spam pretends to be mail from me! Why would I send V****a ads to myself? I am going nuts! Please help. I am new to your list, if you have answered this question before, please don't get mad at me. Lindsay --------------------- Dear Lindsay We all get spam. It would be easy enough to follow the money and lock up the spammers, but as long as it is so easy for spammers to just lease some senators and get away with it, it is not going to get better soon. The paid off senators don't care that 15% or more of the country's productivity is wasted with dealing with spam. There will be a few token showcases, but that doesn't make a difference. You have to learn to deal with spam yourself. Because I have used the same addresses for 15 years, I get between 4000 and 5000 pieces of mail, mostly spam, every day. However, I see only the 100 or so mails, that I actually want to see and answer. The rest flies right by, straight to hell. I use MailWasher to filter the mail right on the server, before I download the good mail, that is left. With MailWasher it is easier than most games to click together very precise filters. For example, let's take my humor@webby.com address. The cost of being on top of Google is that the address gets harvested by a lot of spammers, and so I get about 600 spams a day to that address. None of them have a subject line, that starts with "Humor: ", the way I have been sending it out since 1994. So I make a filter for that. IF the FROM address CONTAINS humor@webby.com and the SUBJECT DOES NOT CONTAIN Humor: then dump it automatically right on the server, (murdered in the dark, unseen by any human). So there! I see on the pie chart about how many spams each filter nailed. A ot of stuff gets nailed by MailWasher even without making any filters, and if you want, you can choose to use their FireTrust blacklist. And for annoying stuff, that slips through, you make filters. If you spend a minute a day making a new filter every day, your mail will be clean very soon. Unlike the filters in other programs, with Mailwasher you can really pile on the criteria with AND, AND NOT, OR, OR NOT, BUT NOT, and so on. And it is so easy, it seems to be a game. I got MailWasher, when it was new, about a dozen years ago, and just asked for a voluntary donation. I hit them with a twenty within an hour of using it. Nowadays it costs $30 for a single user all the way down to $6 per user, if you buy a license for 100 users. Naturally, companies, who don't want their employees to waste 15% or more of paid company time on spam, get a license for each one. Just hit the link to MailWasher, put in your email address to lock in your discount, and download the free trial. Make sure you use a good email address, because they will send the unlock key to that address. Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, he knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, he would pick it up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number." The callers would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong . . . Oh! (Click)
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Totes for Storing Holiday Items I like using different colored totes for storing different holiday items. I use colors resembling the holiday, such as orange or black for Halloween and red and green for Christmas. It makes looking for them in storage a lot easier. I can find them in just a glance. By Jazalay from Frisco, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?" The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just Uncle Bob, too."

» Picturesque Places





[ view entry ] ( 123 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 55 )
Your Religion 


[ view entry ] ( 205 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 190 )
Can you prevent hard drive crashes? 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, December 4, 2010

There were a lot of subscription attempts again yesterday, 
with no confirmation. If you don't get a request for confirmation
within seconds after subscribing, then you or your ISP is 
blocking me. If youcan't even receive the confirmation request,
then you don't have a chance to ever get your subscription.
The newsletter is much longer and it has pictures.

The confirmation request checks if the route to you is clear
and works. It is up to you to make sure you can receive.

You can always get a gmail address on the side for important
mail. With gmail you can easily make a filter, to make sure, that
mail from humor@webby.com is never put into the spam folder.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --- Sir Winston Churchill As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
Cassie was a really good mom. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, she sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jacory Phillips in Early County, Georgia Man caught when stolen car runs out of gas ALBANY, Ga. (UPI) -- Police in Georgia say they arrested a man after the new car he had stolen from the showroom floor at Five Star Nissan in Albany ran out of gas. Police arrested Jacory Phillips in Early County after receiving reports of a suspicious person begging for gas money, the Albany (Ga.) Herald reported. Police allege Phillips broke into the dealership Thanksgiving night and drove a 2011 Nissan Altima through the closed glass showroom doors. "He literally drove it off the showroom floor," said Albany Police Department spokeswoman Phyllis Banks. "He damaged the doors on the building and then fled the scene." Phillips was arrested a short time later when police were called to a gas station where he reportedly was begging for money to purchase fuel. "The reports are that he was asking people for money to buy some gas and that someone at the store reported the suspicious behavior," Banks said. Phillips has been charged and convicted of several petty crimes since 2007, including an incident in 2008 when he allegedly punched his mother.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: Hard drive crash prevention Dear Webby, I seem to be losing a hard drive every two years or so, even though I run Windows defrag once a week. What else should I be doing? Felix --------------------- Dear Felix I asked the exact same question ten years ago, when I shelled out over $2000 to have the data recovered. So as not to get that guy at that drive recovery company in trouble, I won't mention which drive recovery company took over $2000 out of my pocket. He whispered to me to get DisKeeper. So I got DisKeeper. And I have not had a hard drive crash since. Considering how hard I work my machine 18 or more hours a day, every day, "no crash in 10 years" is the highest praise possible. If Windows defrag worked well enough, there would be no need for DisKeeper, or the two dozen imitations of it. If you don't want to lose another drive, better get DisKeeper Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Decorating A Christmas Tree With Lights When using lights to decorate a Christmas tree: instead of wrapping lights around the tree, loop the lights up and down the tree as you go around. The tree will look nicer plus it is so much easier to remove the lights. By mkymlp from NE PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Kindergarten teacher had a student approach her and saying that he found a frog lying still on the playground. The teacher asked, "Well, is it dead or alive?" The student said, "I think it's dead." The teacher asked, "How do you know?" The boy said, "I pssed in its ear". The teacher said "YOU DID WHAT?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said,'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One day a little girl was watching her mother as she sat before her bedroom mirror arranging her hair. The little girl asked her mother what she called the things she was putting in her hair. The mother replied: These are waves, dear. The little girl pondered that for a moment and then solemnly declared: "Poor Daddy, he has no waves, he's all beach."

» Cake Decor





[ view entry ] ( 677 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 60 )
What is Double-Opt-In ? 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, December 3, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thanks, Roland !

England is blaming everyone, even WikiLeaks, for getting skunked
in the bid for the 2018 Worldcup, even though they didn't really
have a chance in the first place.

Moskow has weather control and can guarantee good weather for
the games, they don't have the messy rail problem that Britain has,
they are not worried about air traffic unions using the WorldCup
as a good time for a strike, and so on.

Items like this in yesterday's Metro UK, of course did not help
them either:


Compared to that, live seems a lot more civilized here.

Happy Hanukkha to those who observe and celebrate it!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." --- Stanley J. Randall
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher into the fire.
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman,"is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "The best way to protect a wedding ring is to never take it off and to dip it in dishwater for five minutes three times a day."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Craig Alberstat, 46, of Delray Beach, Florida Man lost car, made up robbery BOYNTON BEACH, Fla., Dec. 2 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a man allegedly invented a story about a carjacking because he couldn't remember where he had parked his car. Boynton Beach police said they were approached by Craig Alberstat, 46, of Delray Beach, at about 2:20 a.m. Nov. 19 and he told them he had stopped while driving his 2003 Volkswagen Jetta to talk to a "cute girl on the street," the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Thursday. Police said Alberstat told them he was then approached by four robbers who assaulted him and took the vehicle. However, investigators said they soon determined Alberstat had invented the tale and he admitted to officers he had forgotten what he did with his car after using Xanax. "Alberstat apologized to detectives for 'wasting personnel's time,' " police spokeswoman Stephanie Slater said. Alberstat, whose car was located by police the following day in a parking lot less than a mile from where he approached the officers, was charged with false report of a crime. "If someone calls police because they can't find their car, we would of course try to provide assistance, as we do anytime someone calls for help," Slater said. "That was not the case in this situation."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patricia Re: Double Opt In Dear Webby, I am fairly new to the net, so please excuse my ignorance. What's this "Double-Opt-In stuff, and why? I realize, it's nowhere near as obnoxious as the rigmarole to sign up for a Yahoo newsletter, which is a half hour total nuisance, unless you are allredy a yahoo. So, what is it all about? Patricia --------------------- Dear Patricia There are two reasons for Double-Opt-In: #1 To make sure that it was YOU, who wants a subscription, not Gramma wanting you to get mail from a prayer group or some list owner harvesting adresses from an endlessly forwarded virus warning hoax. #2 Responsible list owners don't want to clutter up the net with mail to people, who can't receive their newsletter. If you don't get the confirmation request, then you obviously won't be able to receive the newsletter either. If you don't confirm within 72 hours, you stay out in the cold. Your address will not get added. If you don't receive an expected confirmation request, check your spam settings and if necessary those of your ISP. Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
"What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar. "I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink. "What's in it ?" asked the stranger. "Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep. "Is it good ?" asked the man. "Sure is, Senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy." "And the rum?" asked the stranger. That gives you plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy." quipped the bartender.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Transporting Soup for Potlucks We have a lot of potluck days at work for birthdays, etc. We usually have a theme. Occasionally, it will be a soup theme. The last time we had one of these parties I made the soup the evening before, and put it into a gallon sized zip lock bag. Then I put the bag in the crock pot. It was winter, so I could leave it on the back porch until morning, but it could be refrigerated if you have room. The next day I didn't have to worry about the soup spilling on the way to work. It worked very well. By Kmcb59 from WA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Jane," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because like, I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "Oh, English class." replied the smiling teacher.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

» Fantastic Fotos





[ view entry ] ( 244 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 96 )
Bureaucrats Gone Wild in Cancun  
Your tax dollars at work at the last Kyoto conference.




[ view entry ] ( 181 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 260 )
Are You Still Cool? 

This test is based on how cool you were in High School...



What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.

It's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

Click Here COOL PERSON TEST



[ view entry ] ( 233 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 36 )


Can you use a Laser printer for glossy prints? 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, December 2, 2010
It warmed up quite nicely and some roads were actually wet
with salt-slime and melting snow. The car wash owners were happy.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. --- Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
Thanks to Dave for this story: Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

Thanks to Bill for this: I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Young Red Shoulder Hawk
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rick Ehlert, 44, from Thousand Oaks, California. Anchor Drop Lands Cruise Passenger In Brig NOVEMBER 29--In the high seas equivalent of trying to open an airplane door mid-flight, an intoxicated California man early Saturday released the anchor on a Holland America cruise ship while the vessel was traveling in international waters en route to Florida The deployment of the stern anchor on the MS Ryndam “could have caused significant damage,” though the 719-foot ship was unharmed. A review of surveillance video identified Rick Ehlert, 44, as the passenger who released the anchor (as well as a life buoy). Manning noted that Ehlert was seen in the surveillance footage wearing the same clothing he was photographed in Friday while attending the ship’s formal night (for men, attire can range from a tuxedo to a jacket and tie). In an interview yesterday with federal agents, Ehlert, who was traveling with his girlfriend, admitted to deploying the ship’s anchor and throwing the life buoy overboard. During his confession, Manning reported, Ehlert admitted entering a restricted area, donning work gloves, and taking several steps to release the anchor. Ehlert, who said he was drunk at the time, “stated that he owns a fifty foot boat with a similar anchor system to the ship’s anchor system.” Ehlert, who owns an RV dealership in Thousand Oaks, was arrested on a felony charge of attempting to “damage, destroy, disable, or wreck a vessel.”
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Laser for glossy pictures Dear Webby, are laser printers good for making pictures? How well do they do glosseys? RON --------------------- Dear Ron They do them perfectly. The printer at your photo center is a Color Laser. Wet development prints have gone out of style, when Laser printers reached 300 x 300 resolution 30 years ago. My el-cheapo 1320c prints at 600 x 600. The results depend on the Paper. Paper usually has 3 code numbers Weight US Brightness / Euro-Bright There is no "White" ink or toner. The whitest white you can get is the paper. A US Brightness of 100 is "perfect white". The US scale hits the wall there. Even though paper gets better than "Perfect White", for example "Photo White", the US scale stops at 100. There the second number gets important, the Euro White For example, the paper I recommended to Karl yesterday: 28 lb. 100 US / 112+ Euro Bright Ultrabright "PhotoWhite" shade provides better color registration Gloss is cheap glass for easy dusting, and to gloss over coarse printing by poor printers. If you print with a color laser at 600 x 600 or more dots per inch, you obviously don't need the gloss for anything except easy dusting. With inkjet printers, just like with the oily-gloss look, sawed off wide-screen monitors, the gloss fakes the illusion of a higher resolution than you actually got. However, even with cheap paper, a Laser does a better job than an inkjet. The toner has the pigment embedded in tiny wax shells, that melt and carry the pigment into the fibers of the paper. That wax provides a soft, unobtrusive sheen, without taking away the sharpness, the way a gloss does. If dust settling in the pores is not a concern, then go for the sharper results without the gloss. Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $650 for 36 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Newspaper for Gift Wrap Use the funny papers for wrapping Christmas presents. My mom and dad did this at Christmas. We all enjoyed reading the funnies after we opened our presents. By Darlooney from Carriere, MS http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly and said: "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "then why isn't it?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Harold had been busy campaigning for mayor, and his last stop of the day was at a Senior Citizens Home. After walking in and looking around for a while he approached an elderly woman in a wheel chair. Bending over to be on eye level with her, he asked her "Do you know who I am?" The elderly lady gave him a good looking over, then told him "No I don't. You don't look familiar. Just go to the front desk, they will tell you who you are."

» Bizzarre Sidecars





[ view entry ] ( 105 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 99 )
Now What? Asked Moses 


[ view entry ] ( 291 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 225 )
Too Cheap To Text 


[ view entry ] ( 169 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 129 )
More Snow! 

Sheesh,

another 2 feet of snow!




[ view entry ] ( 171 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 218 )


Paper for printing calendars 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A reader asked me today, if I would still buy a Laser printer,
if I printed a lot less. 
Yes, I would.

Aside from being sick and tired of inkjet printers being
unpredictable and fussy, and not lasting much more than a
year, ink and paper for them is more expensive.

Well, you CAN print with an inkjet on cheap laser paper,
if it is just for casual use, but if it has to look good, then
inkjets need clay coated paper, which of course, is more
expensive.

Since you CAN get color lasers for $100 - $135, there
really isn't much in favor of buying a disposable inkjet
printer.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!
"We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others by their acts." --- Harold Nicholson "Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution." --- Judith Martin
Thanks to Jay for this story: A guy is 92 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
BEAUTIFUL Animations With Minimum Effort! Producing 3D Animations & Graphics has never been THIS EASY The Complete 3D Creation Software Suite & IllusionMage Video Training Package "Easily The Most Powerful 3D Creation Software On The Planet!" Illusion Mage Get it now!

Thanks to Roland for this one: Our pastor was winding down. In the back of the church the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them get up, Pastor Michel singled them out for praise. "Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."
Thanks to Bill for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Bill insists, that is a bug screen, not a tele prompter!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melando Yaphet Streety, 27, and Caleb Nettleton, 24, in Kingston, Ontario Inmates were running prostitution business KINGSTON, Ont. — Provincial police say two men have been charged with running a prostitution business from their Kingston, Ont., prison cells. Police allege the two inmates of the Kingston Penitentiary were using prison phones to direct women engaged in prostitution. Inmates Melando Yaphet Streety, 27, and Caleb Nettleton, 24, are charged with two counts of procuring. Streety and Nettleton remain in custody in maximum security and are scheduled to appear in court on Dec. 8.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Karl Re: Calendar paper Dear Webby, I'm making personal family calendars as Christmas gifts. I created them using HTML and then converted them to pdf documents. Using a color laser printer, what kind of paper do you recommend for printing? A different paper for an inkjet? Thanks, Webby. Karl in Denco --------------------- Dear Karl Yes, definitely different from Inkjet paper. Inkjet paper of comparable weight and quality is more expensive. Staples Heavy report cover laser paper Item 397186 Model 122549 is a heavy 60lb paper used for report covers. $9.99 per 1/2 Ream (250 sheets) 4 cents per sheet Staples Bright color laser paper Item 633213 Model 86047 32 lb 96US White $15.99 / ream (500 sheets) 3.2 cents per sheet Staples Very Bright color laser paper Item 913261 Model 10246-7 is a light 28 lb Ultra Bright (100US White) paper for true color rendition $14.49 / Ream (500 sheets) < 3 cents per sheet Staples HP Laser Photo Paper Item: 569122 Model: Q6549A 100 sheet pack : $18.99 19 cents / sheet For the very best looks, you can use the Ultra Bright and lightly spray it with a clear, semi-gloss varnish. Have FUN! DearWebby
Secure Uninstaller With this Secure Uninstaller on your computer, you can try anything you want, without any fear about remants left behind. Get Secure Uninstaller !
Frog day today? Thanks to Noella for this story: A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog, because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Improving Instant Hot Cocoa Make great hot cocoa that's just as good or better then Starbucks (a lot cheaper too). Take one envelope of any kind of cocoa mix, pour it into your favorite mug. Then add 1/4 to 1/2 cup of flavored creamer (I like French vanilla), and then fill the rest of the way with hot water. By Amandaw from Bethesda, OH It obviously does not take much to do better than Starbucks. I am lactose intolerant, but can handle condensed milk OK. Here is how I make hot cocoa at Christmas, the only time I splurge like that. First I heat up the mugs with hot water. Then I put a heaping teaspoon of cold processed cocoa into each, a package of Stevia natural sweetener and some cinnamon. Next I heat up the condensed milk mixed 50/50 with hot water to near boiling. Now don't go check your email while it heats up. Stir it instead, with a wooden spoon, and add a drop or two of Vanilla extract. No more than that! It's hot cocoa, not vanilla soup! Vanilla is supposed to be an accent, not a language. When it is getting close, I put a couple of table spoons of hot milk into each cup and stir to dissolve the dry ingredients. When the milk is just starting to boil, I pour it into the cups from fairly high up. That cools it a bit, takes care of the mixing, and produces the fashionable bit of foam. I AM looking forward to Chritmas! Have FUN! DearWebby http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, this is 322-1374." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Cindy for this: As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"

» Petals from the past





[ view entry ] ( 122 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 90 )

<<First <Back | 99 | 100 | 101 | 102 | 103 | 104 | 105 | 106 | 107 | 108 | Next> Last>>