Dear Webby: How to get rid of PopUps 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 18, 2008

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. --- Sir Francis Bacon
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. \ I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. .....What do you do for a living?" "...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Thanks to Ross for this picture: Going on a picnic ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Goldman, 45, London, Ebgland Nutty eacher giving bad example LONDON (UPI) -- A London teacher said she was detained for several hours at a city airport after she attempted to return to a plane for her daughter's toys. Emma Goldman, 45, said she "impulsively" tried to return to the plane to retrieve her daughter's toys moments after arriving at Gatwick Airport on a flight from Venice and ripped three security seals on doors between the terminal concourse and the jet, The Daily Mail reported. Goldman said she was swarmed by armed police. "I wasn't scared because I thought they'd realize it was just a misunderstanding, I tried to wave it off and apologize," she said. "But they took me downstairs and there was this van with a horrible cage inside. They opened the back doors and my heart started racing -- that's when I felt really scared." Goldman said she was held for several hours before questioning. She said police wanted to drop her case, but the Crown Prosecution Service insisted on pursing charges of criminal damage and entering a restricted zone of an airport without permission. She admitted to the charges and was given a conditional discharge and ordered to pay $40 to replace the plastic covers on the security alarms she tripped and $120 in fines. -------------------- It is surprising that they did not make a more drastic example of the nut. Anybody with the brains of a turnip knows that selaed and alarmed doors only report a breach, and make no exception if the intruder is a snooty idiot, who acts like she is above the law and the required security systems.
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears out of nowhere."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re:AntiVirus Dear Webby, I have to tell you I downloaded Avast into my sons Computer and when I am using it, IT WORKS better than Norton or McAfee ever did, It is FREE and your recommendation from your Tool box. I was using the Computer and up popped a warning a Trojan was trying to enter. It notified me right in the middle of my screen it was automatically sent into the Avast Virus Chest. It works so well I am going to recommend it to everyone of your readers. Thank a million for your Free Tool box. I have downloaded so many programs from it and they ALL are great!!! Faithful reader and user for years, Jaye Dear Webby, For years I had a free Anti- Virus program. I can't get this anymore. What is the best Anti-Virus I can purchase? Also I'm getting a lot of pop-ups from other web sites, how can I stop this? Have a Good Day Shonda Dear Jaye Thanks for your recommendation! Dear Shonda The link to Avast is in my Toolbox. Just scroll down to the big red A. You can stop Pop-Ups in many different ways. The Google Tool-bar will stop Pop-Ups no matter what browser you use, and you can excempt certain sites, like your bank, so that their calculator still pops up OK. Many browsers nowadays also an option to block Pop-Ups. Have FUN! DearWebby

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Laundry Detergent You can save money by only using what you need. For example, if you are washing clothing that is not very soiled, you can usually get by using half as much laundry detergent as the manufacturer recommends. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!” “Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all just easy shore duty, huh?”
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nano Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Quarantined 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 17, 2008

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? --- Jean Kerr The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. --- George F. Will
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Thanks to Barb for this report: My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like a big yellow school bus."
Monday already ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sainsbury's in Haverhill, Suffolk, England Book on sex positions given to primary pupils Children on a primary school trip to Sainsbury's were given a book containing pictures of sex positions as a going home gift. The book, How To Change The World For A Fiver, was mistakenly given to pupils, aged eight and nine, during a visit to the supermarket in Haverhill, Suffolk. The 42 children, from Burton End primary, were surprised to read advice such as - have a bath with a friend to "Save water. Have fun. Just get out before everything becomes wrinkled." Other inappropriate suggestions in the £5 book include encouraging readers to shave in intimate places, streak, talk to strangers and hand out your phone number to five people on the street. The blunder came to light only when a father heard his daughter giggling with friends as they flicked through the pages, reports the Daily Mail. Engineer Andrew Dodd, 37, whose daughter Laura is eight, said: "I was furious. It was extremely inappropriate and irresponsible to give to children. "The teachers were as horrified as we were when they eventually saw it. Laura thought it was funny but thankfully she didn't really understand it." A Sainsbury's spokesman admitted: "This was a well-intentioned mistake. It is a very nice book about how to make the world a better place but it is not targeted at children. "The cover looks like a kid's book. This was a mix-up and we would like to apologise for any distress caused. It certainly won't happen again."
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game in the entire year."
From the Tech Support Pits: Kitty, my email reply to you yetserday bounced back at me. It might be best for you to get Gmail. From: Rita Re:Quarantined Dear Webby, I did a scan on my computer today because it was running slow and other things showing up.It showed after the scan I have a virus called Troj/BHO-HG…I did a quarantine on it but I don't think it removed it…I have never heard of this before and was wondering if you would tell me how to get rid of it..It is on my laptop. Have a wonderful weekend. Rita T. Dear Rita Good anti-virus programs stop that trojan virus before it enters the computer, however, you may have deliberately download it, and clicked on some field to show you agreed with the terms in their small print. In cases like that, only the biggest Anti-Virus companies can afford getting sued by the company that distributes the Trojan. The name of that virus is apparently a nickname given to it by the maker of your anti-virus program, and not the name that the big ones gave it. That is why you won't find any useful information about it on the web. What do you use for Anti-Virus? Have FUN! DearWebby

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely u nacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter. The first one is 'gross' and the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" A student says, "So, what are they?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com DVD Subscription Services - Use It Or Lose It Movie subscription services like Netflix can be a great deal, but only if you use them. Keep track of how many movies you receive from them each month and divide that by the monthly service fee. Makes sure you are actually getting a good deal. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _4456.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why married women love Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life Iz A Beech
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: SP3 Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 16, 2008

Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'" --- Dave Barry One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. --- Andrew Carnegie
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
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Eva: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men. Cindy: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men. Eva: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Bob Friday night's shuttle launch
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a robber in Aurora, Indiana Robber leaves money behind AURORA, Ind. (UPI) -- Police say they are looking for a man who held up a Swifty gas station in Aurora, Ind., only to forget to take the money with him. Police said the man robbed the store early Monday, tied up the female clerk and then ran out the door with a carton of cigarettes. After he realized he forgot the bag of money he tried to go back inside the store but couldn't -- because the door was equipped with an electrical lock.
Alternative Medical Terms ------------------------- Benign................What you be after you be eight. Artery................The study of paintings. Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria. Barium................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome. Cat scan...............Searching for kitty. Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her. Colic.................A sheep dog. Coma..................A punctuation mark. D & C.................Where Washington is. Dilate................To live long. Enema.................Not a friend. Fester................Quicker than someone else. Fibula................A small lie. Genital...............Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on. Impotent..............Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates. Node..................Was aware of Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test. Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery. Rectum................Darn near killed him. Secretion.............Hiding something. Seizure...............Roman emperor. Tablet................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station Tumor.................More than one. Urine.................Opposite of you're out. Varicose..............Near by/close by. Vein..................Conceited.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kitty Re:SP3 Blocker Dear Webby, Again how do I block the sp3 thing? I'm still having trouble with my e-mail. With outlook express. One of these days it will get straighten out I hope. Kitty Dear Kitty The SP3 Blocker is in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools From what I hear, trouble with Outluck Express is normal. For help with specific Outluck Express problems, write to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

In search of a midnight snack, a yuppie couldn't find anything but a dog biscuit. He bit into it tentatively, liked it, and the next morning asked his wife to put in a large supply. The local grocer observed. "You don't need so many biscuits for a dog as small as yours." "They're for my busband." "These biscuits are strictly for dogs," grumbled the grocer. "They'll kill your husband!" Six months later, the wife admitted her husband was dead. "I told you those biscuits would kill him," the grocer reminded her. "It wasn't the biscuits," said the woman. "He was killed chasing cars."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy Two, Take One Back When I need to buy something I need for a home improvement project, I often buy two, even though I should only need one. If there is a problem installing a toilet seal or a blade breaks, I don't have to run to the store in the middle of my project to replace it. As long as they are unopened and in their original packages, the hardware store will take them back. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, eleven single ladies, nine widows, two widowers, and one single man stepped to the front.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Setting the Home Page in IE 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 15, 2008

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. --- Gustave Flaubert
A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. Don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy kicked out in Buffalo!"
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence. "I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today." A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."
Not NOW!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Minnesota deer hunters Minnesota deer hunters have a hot time BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- Things took an unexpected turn for one northern Minnesota deer-hunting party this weekend when their deer stand caught fire, authorities said. The Brainerd Fire Department said things started out fine for the hunters when one of them bagged a deer Sunday afternoon. But it turned bad when the hunters descended from their stand to gut the animal, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Monday. The hunters left their guns in the stand but apparently accidentally knocked over the stand's portable heater. Not only did the stand catch fire and fall to the ground but a box of ammunition started exploding, the report said. Brainerd firefighters had to hoof it into the woods with water-pump cans to put out the flames. No humans were hurt in the incident.
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda Re:Home Page Dear Webby, First I would like to thank you for all your internet help. I have ask you several times about problems and you always have an answer. Well today it is about my internet explorer home page. I have for some time not been able to get it back. When I open the browser I get a page with advertisement about the new explorer beta 8 and of course how to down load explorer 7. Is there any way I can just get the home page back again. I have tried several different things. Also sp3 has been downloaded on my computer, it has not seemed to cause any problems; but when i deleted it, I lost alot of stuff. So I redownloaded it. Any advice on that subject? Brenda Dear Brenda You can set any page you want as your HOME page, even the Humor letter, at http://webby.com/humor or the Currency converter: http://www.xe.com/ucc/ or cookie recipes: http://www.cooks.com/rec/ch/cookies.html or whatever you want. Just click on TOOLS, Internet Options and set your Home Page. Then you can use Spybot-Search&Destroy to lock that, so that Microssoft can't change it on you behind your back. Re SP3: That is unpredictable. It works OK on some computers, but usually causes some problems on almost all computers. I block it, and have no problems related to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Children Have each child pick their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. Visit ThriftyFun For More Organizing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Israeli Army major was used to word-wars with the hot-shot Israeli Air Force fliers about crazy Army Tzanhanim (Paratroopers) jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer said during an exercise, "because they pay you Air Force schmucks four times as much to stay in one, as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," the Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is too dumb to kvetch* about the salary."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Why is MailWasher slowing down? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 14, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --- Bert Leston Taylor, I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. --- Beryl Pfizer
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." His son yells, "Dad, what are you talking about?" "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars." "Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Luca Rossi, 36, in Salerno, Italy Man granted divorce for mother-in-law's nagging A hen-pecked husband has been granted a divorce in Italy because his mother-in-law keeps nagging him. Shopkeeper Luca Rossi, 36, told the court in Salerno that his wife's mother didn't leave him alone throughout four months of marriage. "I'd never believed stories and jokes about mothers-in-law but my marriage was hell and it was all her fault," he said after the hearing. "It was hell right from the moment we said 'I do' at our wedding until the moment we split, just because my mother-in-law interfered in every single thing in our lives. "It was impossible. It led to one argument after another and there was no way a marriage could survive after that." Rossi said he would consider marriage again - but only if he did not have to deal with a mother-in-law. "Next time I'm hoping to find a girl who's an orphan," he added.
A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for his class. He takes out a silver dollar. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," one student calls out. "No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it did, a cheapskate like you wouldn't drop it in!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Denise Re:MailWasher slowing down Dear Webby, I noticed that my MailWasher is getting slower all the time. You wrote something about that at one time, but I didn't have Mailwasher in those days and didn't pay attention. Can you please tell me again? Denise Dear Denise There are three possible causes. 1) You may have a lot of good filters that auto-dump spam unseen. While MailWasher does that out of sight, it still takes time to do it. 2) You may be using the BlackList, and not aging it off. Blacklists and Bouncing have outlived their usefulness. Nowadays spammers never use the same sending address twice, unless they forge your address as the sender. Therefore, there is no point in setting up to automatically add bad stuff to the Blacklist. You can also "age off" the BlackList in a day or two. If a spam sender's address is not repeated within that time frame, it gets dumped. 3) Long bounce list. The ONLY addresses in your bounce list should be certain in-laws and ex lovers. There is no point bouncing spam at faked addresses. That just takes time, and constipates the Internet, because YOUR bounce might bounce back at you. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a co-worker comes up. "Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks. "Sorry," the man says, "I can't." "Why not?" "The doctor tells me I can't play." "Well, we all know that," says the co-worker, "but you'll never get any better at it, if you don't practise!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Old Window Crafts Look for old windows with wood frames at yard sales. They can be made into rustic looking picture frames. Find pictures that are a little smaller than the window and use a matte, which can be found at any craft store, to give it a finished look. Multi-pane windows can be used to frame multiple pictures. Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The teacher asked to use the words "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. said, "The rabbit cut across the field and defeat went over defense before detail."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Creative Hijinx
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Filtering spam by IP number 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 13, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Beauty is only a light switch away. --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. --- Houghton Library
Thanks to Sandie for this Classic: Little Johnny's at it again. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Bill for this I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "I sure did," Susan assured me. "I just fast-forwarded through the slow parts."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of a woodpecker.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Oliver and Angela Kohl, 24, and 23, of Hamm, Germany Sat nav strands honeymoon couple A newlywed couple ended up stuck half-way up a mountain when their sat-nav went wrong on their honeymoon. Oliver Kohl, 24, and bride Angela, 23, were heading to a luxury hotel in the remote village of Willingen, Germany, after their wedding in Hamm, near Dortmund. But they got lost as their sat-nav guided them along a bumpy, unpaved forest road toward a tall mountain. Oliver said: "At one point there was a gate I had to open, and then eventually the road became a muddy swamp and we got stuck fast." The pair tried for hours to get their car out before having to call cops who sent out a rescue team to get them off the side of the 2,755ft mountain. The pair were eventually taken to their honeymoon hotel. A police spokesman said: "It's a wedding night they will never forget."
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allard Re: Forged sender address Dear Webby, Is there a way to eliminate all spam that has an address supposedly from our ISP forged in as the sender? The phony addresses are anything from billing to support and just about any first name in the book, with our ISP's domain after the @. Hope you can figure a solution to that! Allard Dear Allard That is actually quite easy with Mailwasher. Assuming that your ISP's domain name, after the @, is ISP.com an that his IP number is 123.456.789.012, make a filter that specifies If the FROM contains ISP.com ENTIRE HEADER does not contain 123.456.789.012 then delete the mail automatically, unseen. That's all there is to it. Sometimes the most complicated problems have the simplest solution. Have FUN! DearWebby

This was forwarded to me as a true story: I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called "Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins County Beauty Pageant". K

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kitchen Time Saver - Squeeze Bottles Squeeze bottles can be great for condiments in your kitchen. If make your own salad dressing or buy it bulk, you can transfer the dressing to squeeze bottles for easy use. Squeeze bottles also work well for mayonnaise, jelly and many other condiments. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Personally, I prefer to use pumpers, like you get with some shampoos. You can easily operate them with an elbow, if both hands are full or neither of them is clean. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 85 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Rivers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Filter spam with same sender and recipient address 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 12, 2008

We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts. --- John Dewey When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!
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An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, This is good! One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, This is good! To which the king replied, No, this is NOT good! and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. You were right, he said, it was good that my thumb was blown off. And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this. No, his friend replied, This is good! What do you mean,'This is good' How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year? If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, of Hagerstown, MD Fugitive arrested in prison parking lot HEMPFIELD, Pa. (UPI) -- Police said a man wanted on homicide and other charges in Maryland was arrested in the parking lot of a Hempfield, Pa., prison. Investigators said Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, had driven some friends to Westmoreland County Prison to visit a prisoner Tuesday and remained in the car while they went inside, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Police said guards performed a background check on the man after they told him he could not remain in the parking lot and he refused to cooperate. Prison officials found Franklin had an outstanding warrant for his arrest regarding the Oct. 24 shooting death of Larry Boyce Jr., 36, in Hagerstown, Md. Franklin is being held at the Westmoreland County Prison pending an extradition hearing.
In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his butt barkin ever since."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Oliver Re: Spam with same sender and recipient address Dear Webby, How do I get rid of the nuisance MSN spam that forges my address as the sender address? I do occasionally send excerpts of mails to myself and so can't blacklist myself. I use Mailwasher to clean my mail. It works great but I can't figure out how to tell it when my address is forged. Oliver Dear Oliver The easiest way to do that is to put a code word into the Subject line, for example "ARQ08" Then make a filter that specifies that all mail that CONTAINS your address in the FROM field AND DOESN'T CONTAIN "ARQ08" in the SUBJECT is trashed, automatically, unseen. If you accidentally forget to add your secret code word, that's no big deal. Just re-send it WITH the code word. There is a fringe benefit to that method. Once you have received that mail, you can automatically filter it into, for example, the ARCHIVE-2008 box. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Use Small Sized Post-Its Small post-it-notes are more economical than larger sizes. I bought 2 packs for $1 at a dollar store. I now have 400 small post-its. This size is perfect for small reminders to myself and I am not wasting the larger ones or worse yet, having to cut them into strips because I don't want to waste them. Visit ThriftyFun For More Memory Tricks http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Me ... 9_691.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sweet young lady thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "Ninteen fifty six," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty-fourteen now."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: USPS
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Remembrance Day / Veterans Day 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 11, 2008
Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans Day in the US
Armistice Day in the UK

Pittance Of Time

Canada honors the veterans on the $10 bill
Veteran on $10


Thanks to Sandie for this story: When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed Send. His mother answered and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said. "You left your cell phone at the corner store."
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
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Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dennis Cullen, 23, in Hellertown, Pennsylvania. Drunk Parking A US couple have been arrested after having sex in their car - in a disabled space outside a police station. The couple told officers they were unaware where they had parked, reports the Morning Call newspaper. They hadn't noticed several marked police cars in the other parking spaces nearby. They were outside the main police station in Hellertown, Pennsylvania, with the engine running in the early hours of the morning when a police officer tapped on the windscreen. Dennis Cullen, 23, and his female companion, who has not been named, told police they had been drinking at a university function earlier in the evening. After they looked at his companion, Cullen was charged with drunk driving. Neither he nor his companion were charged in connection with having sex in the car. Reminds me of this little video: Scottish DUI test
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tanya Re: Remembrance Day Services Dear Webby, Could you please tell me when the Remembrance Day Services start on Nov 11? Thanks, Tanya Dear Tanya Remembrance Day is observation starts on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, and starts with two minutes of silent remembrance. The same goes for Veterans Day. To alert shoppers and workers that it is time for the silent remembrance, many places play "Taps", "Pittance Of Time", or other appropriate music. Have FUN! DearWebby

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Smoke-free Items Online When buying clothing, stuffed animals or books on auction websites, make sure that the items have been in a smoke-free environment. If it's not stated in the auction description, be sure to ask the seller directly. Cigarette smoke odors can be difficult to remove, especially from stuffed toys and books. Visit ThriftyFun For More Internet Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_Int ... _5877.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Veterans of Foreigh Wars
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Misleading subject lines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 10, 2008

Tomorrow is Veterans Day
If you have any suitable jokes or pictures, please send them 
to me early in the day.


"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone" --- Bjarne Stronstrup
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?" "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?" Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

Goadster, Buckethead, and Graahound were all locked away in the Armstrong Mental Institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform. The doctor motions to Goadster. "Jump." Without hesitation, Goadster leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Buckethead, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Buckethead flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Graahound, "Jump." Graahound shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Hound. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" Graahound says, "I can't swim."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Rosenberg, 18, Los Gatos, California Dopey teen causes expensive search SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) -- A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured baby lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs. Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost. But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently used hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly also LSD, and just "thought" his leg was broken. Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000. The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold onto your nuts, we're taking off".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eleanore Re: Misleading subject lines Dear Webby, When I get mail advertising stuff, it often has misleading subject lines. Is that just an honest mistake, or a problem? Eleanore Dear Eleanore That is not a mistake at all, but sucker-bait on purpose. Just trash it. The rest of those mails is just as phony and you will never get your money's worth through them. The same goes for mails that have your address forged in as the sender address. Guaranteed Scam! Trash them. Have FUN! DearWebby

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Credit Reports Online You can get access your credit report from the three major credit reporting companies for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. Equifax, Experian and TransUnion are required by law to give you access to your credit report once a year for free. Be careful that you don't sign up for them watching your credit. It can cost 19.95 a month or more and is automatically deducted. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Rating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_453.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Mysterious shut-downs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 9, 2008

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Thanks to Wendy for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, of Rostraver, Pa. Drunk glider pilot gets curfew ROSTRAVER, Pa. (UPI) -- A Rostraver, Pa., man charged with drunkenly flying a motorized glider has been given a 10 p.m. curfew by a judge. West Newton District Judge Charles Christner ordered Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, to refrain from drugs and alcohol, undergo a mental health evaluation and be in his home by 10 p.m. every night after Tokar waived his right to a preliminary hearing on charges of reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Tokar is accused of flying his motorized glider as low as 10 feet over Willowbrook Golf Course Aug. 19 while shouting and spitting at golfers, police said. Witnesses also reported Tokar flying dangerously low over a field where children were playing soccer before he crashed his glider into cable lines at the golf course. Tokar was critically injured in the crash and a witness, James Troutman, was injured in his left leg. Police said Tokar was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.151 percent -- well over the legal limit for intoxication, 0.08 percent -- and had taken benzodiazepines before the incident. Tokar was ordered to avoid all contact with the alleged victims.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Mysterious shutdowns Dear Webby, my computer would not turn on October 29th and I had to try many times to finally get it on and then it would shut down on me. I called a tech (never had him before as we are in the country and I don't know who to ask.) He took all my disks and reloaded Windows etc. and lost so much of my things!!! Even now, I can type for a few minutes and then it shuts down on me. Does this sound like a problem I should call Dell about? (I have a laptop). Thank you and hope I get some help so I can stay online! I always trust you and wish you were here to help me! Carolyn Dear Carolyn That sounds like you got infected with SP3. Call DELL support. Don't deal with idiots who lose your stuff, except maybe to sue the dumb bastids. Anybody with the brains of a rutabega (very dense turnip) first backs up all docs, spreadsheets, pictures, recipes, mails, etc. onto CD or DVD, or onto the web, and THEN messes with in the drive. Before calling Dell, make a log of all that happened with the machine. Also, use the Belarc Advisor from my tool box and print out a complete inventory of your machine. It does that for both hardware and software. Read that inventory a few times and highlight chapter headings, so that you can find them fast, if needed, while on the phone with Dell. Dell's support techs usually speak fairly good English and they seem to know their stuff. Make sure that your phone is fully charged! They seem to be getting paid by the minute they spend with you, and like stretching things out. So, use a land line, not a cell phone, and if possible, a head-set. Have FUN! DearWebby

New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. Visit ThriftyFun For More Painting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_611.html Items that are difficult to mask, like for example ornate door hinges, can be protected by painting them with melted butter first. Unlike vaseline and other paint resitors, it does not mix with the paint, and is usually easily available. When the paint is dry, you can sponge it off with hot dishwater. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter Caring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, what does a registry fixer do? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 8, 2008

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel Money is the most envied, but the least enjoyed. Health is the most enjoyed, but the least envied. --- Charles Caleb Colton
Thanks to Roland for this story: Case Closed Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Here is a cute classic that brings a smile every time: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
Thanks to Ann for her ocean sunset picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Too dumb to drive Train shuts toilets to avoid stopping GAVLE, Sweden (UPI) -- A train conductor in Sweden said he was forced to shut down the toilets because too much flushing could stop the train. The toilets on the run between Borlange and Gavle were shut off Sunday because of a high number of passengers and, therefore, the potential for a high number of flushings, the Arbetarbladet newspaper reported. The compressor that triggers the train's emergency brake is connected to systems that control the toilets, said Mats Gustavsson, a technician with the Bergslagen train line, the Swedish news agency tt reported. If the pressure drops below a certain level, the emergency brakes trigger automatically, Gustavsson said, noting it literally is possible to "flush on the emergency brake." Engineer Hans Kaplan, one of the passengers inconvenienced by the shutdown, called the situation "completely nuts. There has to be a mistake in the construction," he said. ------------ In case you are not familiar with how brakes on trains work: They are applied by very powerful springs, and held off by air pressure, just like on trucks and buses. To activate them, air pressure is allowed to drop by bleeding it off. However, normally the utility air and the brake air is in different lines, each with it's own reservoir tanks, with valves ensuring that one system does not affect the other. I would imagine somebody is going to get severely yelled at for making unsafe shortcuts!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? " The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Registry fixer ? Dear Webby, Would you be so kind as to tell me what the Registry Booster will do for me, and explain it in layman terms: Roland Dear Roland The registry records where programs are located, which program to use for what type of file, and so on. Basically a Grannie's cheat sheet. "Christmas wreaths are in hubby's closet, top shelf. Need stepladder to get them down." Because of the way Windows was built, obsolete entries are not always cleaned out. That entry about the Christmas wreaths from 7 years ago might still be there, even though Grannie switched to electric Christmas lights 6 years ago. It might say further down, that the lights are in the garage. But first Grannie gets sent to haul the stepladder to hubby's closet, where she remembers that she sold the wreaths on eBay six years ago. Naturally, that kind of clutter slows things down. A good registry fixer like Registry Booster backs up the registry, sorts out the clutter and dumps anything that is obsolete. On a machine that is a year old or older, that makes quite a noticeable difference in speed. It also reduces hang-ups and crashes, because Windows doesn't get lost in the wrong closets any more. It's not a "Buy this or die!" situation. If you are never in a hurry, you can putter along without a registry fixer for many years, and just gradually get used to the ol klunker getting slower every year. Personally, I like fast machines, and I need reliable machines, so I use the Registry Booster When I pay X amount of dollars for a certain speed, I demand that the machine runs at that speed even after 3-4 years. Have FUN! DearWebby

A guy found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Return Policies Before purchasing something, check their return policies. Most stores have restocking fees for opened items and some items like software cannot be returned if opened. Also, some stores only accept returns of certain types of items, like electronics, for anywhere from 7 to 30 days after purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _6425.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

*Toddler Diet* Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mid Air
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Registry Fixer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 7, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. --- Napoleon Bonaparte An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. --- G. K. Chesterton
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift." "No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator." "Well, over here, we call them lifts." "Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the English language."
Thanks to Jai for this picture of her Bradford pear tree:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, in Bialystok, Poland Too dumb to drive A Polish motorist lost his licence after he drove to a police station to ask officers if he was too drunk to drive. Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, was breathalysed, arrested and charged following the incident in Bialystok in north east Poland. A police spokesman said: "He had been out drinking with friends and at the end of the night wasn't sure if he was over the limit or not and wanted to find a policeman to ask. "Unfortunately he decided the nearest station was too far for him to walk and so he drove there. "Officers did a breath test and found he was over the drunk drive limit. He was arrested and was stripped of his licence."
Thanks to Darlene for this Classic: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: Registry fixer Dear Webby, today I went looking thru your Tools page to find a good registry cleaner because I trust your recommendations wholeheartedly and have always been pleased with your advice. However, I was unable to find a tool for cleaning the registry.(Maybe I overlooked it, I'm OLD ya know!LOL) I have Registry Defender right now...trouble is they will only fix 20 at a time and according to them I have about a thousand that need fixing. Can you recommend a good one? Even if it's not free that's ok. I'm really worried that this problem could do some damage to my pc. Thanks in advance, Patti Dear Patti The ONLY registry fixer that I can recommend wholeheartedly is Registry Booster It doesn't show fake "errors", but fixes all real ones without any fuss. I finally put the link into my tool box now. Thanks for reminding me! Have FUN! DearWebby

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Oatmeal Face Scrub Make a paste with oatmeal and water and apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse your face with warm water. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Recipes Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Soldier Memorial Project
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internal Server Error 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 6, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work. --- Will Rogers The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. --- Havelock Ellis
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
Thanks to Vicky for this story: A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely lady. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because the neighbor has a pair like that. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once, because the color reminded you of somebody in highschool. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Boulder, Colorado Sniveling Ninnies Streakers cited in 'Naked Pumpkin Run' BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- Police say the ticket tally from this year's "Naked Pumpkin Run" through Boulder, Colo., reached an even dozen. The (Boulder) Daily Camera said police turned up the pressure on the annual Halloween event in which streakers sprint down Pearl Street wearing nothing but Jack-o-Lanterns on their heads. The newspaper said participants have rarely been cited in the event's 10-year history, but Police Chief Mark Beckner said its growing popularity was raising concerns. "We wanted to do something before (the event) got out of hand," he said. "This was a good opportunity to enforce the law." The chief told KMGH-TV in Denver the fact that Halloween fell on a Friday this year was cause for concern. Residents told the Daily Camera they felt police resources would have been better spent on real criminal activity. --------------- It won't become a tourist attraction unless there are at least 100 Pumpkin runners.
Thanks to Ella for this story: While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring. "I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked. "Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the dog!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Internal Server Error Dear Webby: I really enjoy your site.It is the first one I open every day. I have a question I hope you can answer for me.I am not very good at solving computer problems or if I am the cause of them in the first place.Lately my computer says I have a internal error. Sites file is missing or corrupted.To correct this error import a new site file.I have no clue as how to do this.Can you help me out. Thanks Jan Dear Jan "Internal Server Error" is a problem on the site you are visiting. For example, if you are sending a postcard, and you copy the recipient's address from an email, but accidentally also copy a blank space before or after it, you will get an Internal Server Error, because the postcard site can't deal with a wonky address. "Sites file is missing or corrupted" is a typical error message from Lavasoft's AdAware program, after it had gotten damaged by a virus, trojan or spyware. Other programs might possibly use the same error message, but AdAware is the most typical. If you have that program, contact their support for a new sites file. Have FUN! DearWebby

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Ice Off Your Windshield Use an old set of car floor mats to cover your car's windshield in the evening and you won't have any ice to scrape in the morning. Carpet remnants also work. Visit ThriftyFun For More Winter Driving Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Winter%2 ... 6_157.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The other day I saw this story about chickens in a magazine. Did you know they have yellow eyes? True. And now some clever person has come up with an idea to fit the chickens with red contact lenses. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the guy who came up with the idea said it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop hen pecking so much. Of course, once word of this gets around, rose colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Idle Fingers Time
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Flexible keyboard 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 5, 2008

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. --- Tom Stoppard Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. --- Tallulah Bankhead
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from the Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be. "Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Conrad Torres, 51 of Bakersfield, California near suicidal bravery When two 17-year-old girls hopped into his truck and tried to drive off Monday night, Conrad Torres, 51, jumped in the bed, thinking he could stop them. They took off, reaching 85 miles per hour with Torres in the back. He managed to break the rear window and stick his head in the cab, but one girl hit him in the head with a baseball bat. They started swerving the truck, trying to throw him out. “I was just praying that nobody would hit us,” Torres said. A California Highway Patrol officer pursued them. Eventually, the girls took a turn badly, hit a telephone pole and rolled the truck at East Belle Terrace and Madison Street. Torres was thrown out of the back and hit his back on the pole. The girls were arrested on suspicion of carjacking, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon and car theft, Officer Greg Williams said. The girls were identified as Lizet Cuellar and Rosanna Contreras of Bakersfield, the Kern County Probation Department said. They are in Juvenile Hall pending a review of the case by the District Attorney’s office, a probation officer said. It began at 10:15 p.m. at P Street and Ming Avenue where Torres backed his Ford F250 pickup out of a work site, Williams said. He left the truck running as he went to close a gate. The girls jumped in and locked the doors, Williams said. Torres climbed into the bed and began to pound on the back window. As the truck was going north on P Street, a CHP cruiser spotted the commotion. The officer saw Torres banging on the back window and one of the girls hitting him with a club. The officer backed off the chase because it got too dangerous, and a short time later the truck overturned, Williams said. “Even when you’re right there, it’s not a good idea to leave a vehicle running,” Williams said.
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Flexible Keyboard Dear Webby I travel extensively with a laptop/portable and HATE the keyboards. Also a lot of the stuff I do is in "difficult" environments in one way or the other. They plug in via USB, very simple. I have found the flexible keyboards (available all over now) to be just wonderful. They roll up to a wee package for shipping, handle any surface without sliding around, and the occasional spill (eg turbulence on flight) doesn't affect at all. I have had a wee bit of problem with other people thinking they need the thing more than me, but since I changed to bright pink colour this problem has gone away! What I would like to know, if you or readers can help: is there an equivalent "rubber" mouse/touchpad, as the touchpad on portable not my favourite either! Regards, Robert BC Dear Robert My fix for the moronic touch pad is to cut a piece of plastic from a flat bottle to precisely fit into the touchpad slot.. On the once every 7 year occasion, when I don't want to unpack the keyboard and mouse, I pull the plastic out. For regular usage, I use the same optical 5 button Intellimouse Explorer as on the desktop. It works fine on hotel beds, truck tail gates, just about anything except mirrors. I use the cheap corded type, not the heavy wireless type, that requires you to also carry the transmitter for it. If you don't do fine graphics, you can use a track-ball. They make some really small ones too, and some people claim they like them. The main advantage of the track-balls is in cramped aircraft seats. While my mouse works fine on my hairy legs, that takes the hand too far away from the keyboard. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Rick for this classic: *Possessed Computer?* For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing "Permanent" Creases from Clothing White vinegar can be effective for removing permanent creases on types of clothing like washable slacks and jeans. Apply white vinegar liberally to the crease and then press with a warm iron. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rainbows Fall
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Keyboard for laptop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 4, 2008

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --- Hubert H. Humphrey God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ---Voltaire
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Cause she is sitting in the classroom smelling my fart, while she put me outside in this beautiful, clean air and sunshine."
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheena McMillan in Plymouth, England Nurse's 'naughty knickers' were on eBay, with her hospital address LONDON (UPI) -- A British nurse who used her hospital e-mail address to sell her underwear on eBay could be barred from hospital premises, officials said. Sheena McMillan's side business came to the attention of authorities at Derriford Hospital in Plymouth when an automatic alert system picked up an e-mail headlined "Naughty Knicks," The Sun reported. That was a reference to the British term for panties, knickers. The business was clearly catering to sexual fetishists, since McMillan offered clean underwear for 20 pounds ($32) and dirty underwear for 23 pounds ($37). The Nursing and Midwifery Council heard testimony Tuesday on McMillan's business. Sarah Page, speaking for the council, said that the messages were clearly inappropriate and that eBay bidders would have realized that the knickers were being sold by a registered nurse. The council referred the case to its health committee. McMillan, who was not at the hearing, argues that whatever she did has nothing to do with her ability to carry out her duties as a staff nurse. ------------------------------------- McMillan seems to fail to realize that using the employer's email system on company time for private business is not allowed anywhere, and it would not have made a difference if she had been selling bibles.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Keyboard for laptop Dear Webby Laptop keyboards don't seem to last around here, and aside from being slow and hurting my wrists, they break down and keys on them die. What solution have you got? Thanks Irene Dear Irene I sympathise with you! Laptop keyboards don't seem to be made for Western grown-ups typing at full speed. Keyboard technology has deteriorated over the years. Just like visiting the moon is a lost technology, so are the 160 word per minute electric typewriter keyboards of the 60's and 70's. The declne started when IBM moved the function keys from the left, where God intended them to be, up to the top. From there on it's all been downhill. The best you can do nowadays is get a fast 17" commercial grade keyboard. At 17" it will fit into an 18" carry-on or most decent laptop cases. I have carried one along since 1995. When sopmebody snickers, I have the last laugh. It's MY wrists and fingers that applaud. Commercial grade keyboards are surrisingly cheap. I use the $10 keyboards from Dalco.com They have the standard inverted T formation for the arrow keys, Insert, delete, Home and End are where you expect them. To make them perfect I pry off the CAPS LOCK, (and glue it onto somebody's fax machine), and I glue the eraser rubber from a pencil onto the MUTE button. That way I can just whack the general area to shut off the noise from pages that try to shove unwanted sound effects at me. Have FUN! DearWebby

Keli from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Keli is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." After some deliberation, Keli said: "I think I prefer males".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spend Less for Convenience If you find you eat fast food regularly because you don't have time to cook, try to find some packaged convenience dinners that you like and keep them stocked in the freezer. The quality of convenience dinners has improved, tend to cost half what a meal at a fast food restaurant and can be even cheaper if you use a coupon or buy on sale. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. "So I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wunder Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, is it safe to dump MSN? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 3, 2008

Children are all foreigners. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming. --- Don Delillo
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aide. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art." "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve-thirty."
Alien tourists
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jakob Kauder, Germany Luxury yacht goes for $32 after auction gaffe A yachtsman has been forced to hand over his luxury boat - after selling it on an internet auction website for less than £20. The all-at-sea sailor hoped to get up to $16,000 for the 20ft yacht but forgot to set a minimum price. But after trying to cancel the sale on the AllesAuktion.de website Jakob Kauder was taken to court by the winning bidder in Cologne, Germany. Judges ruled that the auction was legal and Kauder had to complete the sale. Court spokesman Hubertus Nolte said: "The standard laws of business transactions also apply to internet auctions."
Two hunters in 'Bama were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" The other added "Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Louis Re: Can I dump MSN? Dear Webby Webby, you've probably heard that MSN is deleting groupsites and allowing an unknown "Multiply" to take over...any ideas or suggestions? Can I drop Microsoft all together and stay with google? Will I still need Internet Explorer to open my computer? You've always kept me informed, please, do it again and thanks for your website. Louis Dear Louis There is absolutely no need for MSN. You can use gmail and you can do your personal and business chat on Skype. Internet Explorer is just a browser. It doesn't open the computer. If you are down by the bayou, where they don't have DSL or cable, and need a program to tell the computer, that it's time to dial up, ANY Internet program will do that. ANY browser, like FireFox, Google Chrome, Opera, etc. will do that just fine. Of course, Internet Explorer will do that too. You can set the browser home page to whatever you want. It does NOT have to be MSN. You can, for example, set the Home page on Google Chrome to Google and customize it for weather, stock market, currency exchange, and financial markets. Then beside that, you can use FireFox and make the FireFox HOME the Humor Letter. And in Opera, you can make AccuRadio Country Channel the HOME. That way, when you hit the Opera icon, the Internet radio starts. Those are just examples. You can set the HOME page in any browser to whatever you fell like, whether it is a religious site or a fun site. Have FUN! DearWebby

This beautiful young babe walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, whatever, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Covered coat hangers Cut or rip old sheets or clothing. that does not have any color that might bleed, into narrow strips. Glue three of them onto the hook stem and let the glue dry. Then braid the three ribbons over the wire. Shorter ribbons will speed up the braiding tremendously. You can always sew or speed-sew on the next length. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wicked Willie's Chain Letter This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping, REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 B. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jeff Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willem Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Wilhelm Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billy Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Will Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Willie Clinton _____________________________________ Yeah, I know it's an old hoax and just like all chain letters, does not work. Yes, ALL chain letters. Subscriber Eric asked me to write another rant about chain letters. Worst are the tear jerker chain letters, promising that for every forward, somebody would donate a penny to some wacky cause. The truth is that absolutely NOBODY will donate a dry fart to the fictitious cause mentioned in that chain letter. Those chain letters are simply attempts by a few crooks to find the most gullible goofs on the net. If somebody is so gullible that they think forwarding an email will help a dying girl in Hogwashistan, then they are probably gullible enough to buy new and improved snake-oil from spam. That's right. If you forward chain letters, you get added to spam lists. After all, you HAVE proved that you are gullible. Here is a chainletter page I put up in 1994: THE FERTILIZER CLUB Feel free to print it for the company bulletin board! Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tiger Sprout's Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Google tool bar for ME 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 2, 2008

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. --- Doug Larson In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. --- Mogens Jallberg
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask ?" "Well son, who do you think washed those shirts?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Whaaat? Not now, I'm busy!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Swansea, England council Auto-responder ends up on road sign When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed. So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Google Tool Bar for ME Dear Webby I have google for my homepage and had the google tool bar. I really liked it as it has so many nice features. All of a sudden the tool bar is gone and I cannot re-install it. I have Windows ME. It tells me I need explorer 7 , but cannot download that because of ME. Is there any way I can get the tool bar back? Rose Dear Rose I don't use IE7, actually I am quite fanatic about blocking it. You can download the Google Tool Bar for ME from here: Google Tool Bar for ME You might also try installing FireFox. It will probably work better for you than IE. Have FUN! DearWebby

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Candy recycling! Save your M and M tubes to make recycled art. My son won a contest at the library for his aluminum ant friend he created. We used silver spray paint and some pipe cleaners and paper clips for wings. These tubes have many uses. My son carries one in his lunch box to hold his change for milk etc. They are great for beads too. You can always refill them with M and M's! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dining IN
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Back Web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 1, 2008

Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." --- Victor Frankl
Thanks to Roland for this story: The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Thanks to Lillemor for this announcement: Fellow Business Owners As a Business owner who employs 70 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next President, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, I figure that the customers will have to suffer an increase in my fees to them of about 8%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me, as I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did. I strolled through the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars, and took careful note of them. These folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. Lillemor

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 26 year old Frenchman Arm stuck in toilet delays train A Frenchman caused a two-hour train delay when he got his arm stuck down a toilet while trying to retrieve his mobile phone. The man had to be cut free after putting his arm down the toilet in a bid to get back his dropped phone, reports the Daily Telegraph. The 26-year-old passenger's arm became trapped up to the shoulder by the powerful suction flushing system on board the high-speed TGV train from Paris to La Rochelle. Firefighters took more than an hour to free the man, before lifting him from the train on a stretcher with the entire toilet still stuck to his arm. A fire spokesman said: "He was cut free from the toilet on the platform and apart from suffering bruising and smelling a bit, he suffered no other injuries."
Earl says he used to yearn for a pretty woman..... now the "Y" is silent"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: BackWeb Dear Webby for some reason I am getting a Windows Security Alert that it is blocking "Back Web-7288971" Any idea what that is and if I should allow it? Thanks as always.... Happy Halloweeen..... Ann Dear Ann The REAL Back Web-7288971 is the update checker for Kodak Easyshare. That one is OK. However, there are also some trojans using that name. The easiest way to make sure you got a genuine Back Web-7288971, apparently seems to be to un-install Kodak programs and re-installing them. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Working With Glitter If you are working with glitter or other small material for crafts, be sure to put down a piece of newspaper before you start working. Then when you are done, you can form the newspaper into a funnel and pour the extra back into the glitter container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There is a new study out about women. thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cat Chat
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: BackUp Service 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween!

Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. --- Franklin P. Jones There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness. --- Franz Kafka
Here is an old classic: Trick or Treating By Astrological Sign Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If I decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tony Van, 37, in San Francisco Sent in by Cookie Calif. man drives stolen SUV to court October 29, 2008 Tony Van, a 37-year-old hairstylist from San Francisco, was out on bail Friday afternoon as jurors weighed his fate in San Rafael. He had been charged with possessing a San Anselmo resident's cherry-red, 2008 Porsche Carrera worth $125,000. In the courthouse parking lot at the Marin County Civic Center, prosecutors said, a parallel drama unfolded when 7 puppies in a 2005 Lexus SUV apparently grew tired of baking in the sun and escaped out a window. Police were attracted to the SUV after bystanders noticed several pups mulling around it. After county employees scooped up the Yorkshire Terrier-Maltese hybrids, sheriff's deputies ran the license plate and found that the Lexus had been stolen in San Francisco. The man was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. The escaped dogs, and a few newborns still in the SUV, were OK and were taken to a Humane Society shelter. It's unclear whose dogs they are, but they do not belong to the SUV owner Van also had a laptop computer that had been swiped in a San Francisco auto burglary, Mievis said. Meanwhile, he was convicted in the other case. He was charged with possession of a $125,000 Porsche Carrera that had been stolen from a San Anselmo home, and his bail was raised from $10,000 to $250,000.
From Anna I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean. I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden. I asked God for a friend, He gave me YOU All! Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour???
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erno Re: Back-Up Service Dear Webby We have about 6 GB that I want backed up once a month. A consultant told us that they could do it for $500 a year, but we would need a high speed Internet connection. Out here that is currently not an option. What do you recommend? Erno Dear Erno Get yourself a couple of cheap 80 GB hard drives, like for about $50 - $60 each, and a shirt pocket USB hard drive enclosure for about $10 and a rubber band. You can take the tiny screws out of the drive enclosure, and just use the rubber band to hold it together. Then you stick one of the drives into the enclosure, plug it into a USB port, and your computer will see it as another hard drive. Make 12 folders on it, and name them after the months of the year. Now you simply drag the stuff that is to be backed up into the folder of the current month. You can even write a DOS bat to do that, and make a cute icon for it. Then your grand-daughter can do the back-ups for you. Next morning you stick that drive into your shirt pocket, drop it off at your safety deposit box and pick up the other one for a mid-month back-up. Any alternate safe place, like a locked small ammo box behind the dog house, will work just as well. If the box is 3" x 4" x 1/2 inch thick, it's big enough. A kayaker's stainless steel shirt pocket cigarette case will work fine too. You will wind up with twelve month-end back-ups on one drive and twelve mid-month back-ups on the other. Have FUN! DearWebby

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Safety Keep visibility in mind when buying or making costumes. Bright fabrics are best. Decorate costumes with reflective tape (available in hardware, bicycle, and sporting goods stores) that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks should also be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Halloween Safety Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf315374.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Improving Your Memory
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 30, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing. --- Evan Esar, Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing. --- Wernher von Braun
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the six o'clock hockey game."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Niko National Park, Japan Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North out my office window.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to parents of a 7 year old crook in Georgsmarienhuette, Germany Tiny Crook's crimewave A seven-year-old went on a mini crimewave in a shopping centre in Germany - using a go-kart as his getaway car. First the boy pinched a playmate's dad's 500cc motorised kart and raced round to the local mall in Georgsmarienhuette, north west Germany. Then he went on a three hour shoplifting spree loading a trailer with toys before one victim called the police. "It's amazing he got away with for so long. Maybe he was so small he slipped under the CCTV," said one shopper.
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir." answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandy Re: Windows 7 Dear Webby I heard that Microsoft showed a Beta of Windows 7. What's the story? Did they see the light, or is it just more dumpster- ware? What's the direction for Commerce and Industry? Sandy Dear Sandy As usual, they missed the point and painted themselves further into the corner. The main problem seems to be nerdification. They read the reviews written by overpaid magazine staff nerds, who have never paid for their own machine, and who have never used an average computer for average work, but who are harangued and hyped by the magazine's advertising department. The majority does not pay attention to the magazine's staff nerds, who are totally out of touch with reality. The majority is not interested in $5000 quads with 4 noisy fans. They just want a quiet $500 computer that is good enough for doing the daily work. Windows 7 goes in the opposite direction. It's Vista with new and improved and additional hi-tech duck tape, and it needs a 64 bit CPU and software to help it wheeze out of the garage. For Commerce and Industry there is no change from what I recommended in spring: Stick with XP-SP2, continue migrating to Open Office, and specify new machines with Linux pre-installed. For WORK, there is no need for Vista or Windows7. Once your staff has upgraded to Open Office, about the only thing they will notice of the switch to Linux, is much faster boot-up, no more stalls and crashes, and a lot less waiting. Because Dell and others in their league are reluctant to pass on the savings of Linux machines, Vista and Windows 7 will be a big boost for local clone builders, if they can bundle the same neighborly support for Linux, as we did for DOS in the 80's and Windows 3 in the early 90's. Wouldn't YOU rather have a fast and reliable Linux machine with friendly local support, than slow dumpster-ware with Microsoft style Taliban support? For me, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place. "It's great!" he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom still has to sleep with dad."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com X-Ray Machine Costume Paint the rib cage of a skeleton on a black t-shirt. Cut out the bottom of a cardboard box and three holes for your arms and head. Then cut a square hole in the front so the bones can be seen. Paint the box to look like an x-ray machine. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nature on a rampage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Adjust Windows slide show settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 29, 2008

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. --- Mark Twain If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you. --- Don Marquis
The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl that he was seeing a therapist. "That's nothing." she replied. "I'm seeing a therapist, two engineers, a plumber and a doctor."
081028-18:23pm WEST 081028-18:47pm WEST 081028-18:47pm NORTH Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North, showing the transition between the last two of the above pictures.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bryan Perez, 22, Washington, DC Brothel Robber Leaves His Thumb Behind WASHINGTON | Police say a man suspected in an armed robbery at an alleged brothel in Washington's Columbia Heights neighborhood left some evidence at the scene: his thumb. Police say 22-year-old Bryan Perez and an accomplice made off with hundreds of dollars in cash in the Oct. 11 raid. According to charging documents, one of the victims took control of Perez's silver machete and hacked off his right thumb. About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered Perez went to an emergency room. Police caught up with him and brought the severed thumb to the hospital. According to an arrest affidavit, a doctor told police the thumb "fits like a puzzle piece." Perez was transferred to a Baltimore hospital to have it reattached. On Tuesday, a judge ordered the Hyattsville, Md., man held without bond. http://www.theledger.com/article/200810 ... /810230283
Thanks to Mike for this: I tried this with my wife and it backfired... I guess it's only true with men... Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to communicate with you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Captn Chaos Re: Slide show screen saver settings Dear Webby Good morning Webby and trust it is not too cold in Alberta yet. On slide show mode, is there any way to slow down or speed up the advancement of pictures like for screensaver pictures? The pictures advance about every 4-5 seconds and I would like to make them in view longer. I have looked everywhere, I think, for settings on this to no avail and I am sure that if there is a spot to change that setting, you will have the answer. Thanks and best regards from Ontario Captn Chaos Dear Captn Chaos You need TweakUI XP Power Toys for that: Tweak UI Have FUN! DearWebby

Father teaching his daughter to drive: "Stop on red, go on green, and slow down when I turn purple."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pillow Case for Trick or Treat Bag A white pillow case (or any old one will do) works really well for trick or treating. It holds lots of candy, won't tear and can be seen by motorists when most costumes are dark. They can be decorated to look more festive. For shorter children, they could be cut down shorter or folded inward to half the size. - Candy Trick or Treating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf11704556.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Truly Moving Movies
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Choosing a spreadsheet 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 28, 2008

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' --- Theodore Roosevelt Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. --- Socratex
Thanks to Linda for this one: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Auburn." And they say blondes are dumb!!!
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Radium Hot Springs, BC, Canada
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a couple in Italy Sent in by Deeli No wacky naming in Italy ROME (UPI) -- A court in Italy ruled Wednesday that a couple cannot name their son Venerdi, which means Friday. Italy's supreme court, the Cassation Court, said the name Friday, which is taken from the famous Robinson Crusoe character, was ''ridiculous, susceptible to irony and mockery and liable to cause serious harm to the person who bears it,'' ANSA reported. The high court said the Robinson Crusoe character is one characterized by "subservience and inferiority, who would never reach the condition of a civilized man,'' the Italian news service reported. The judges ordered the couple to call the child Gregorio, after the saint's day he was born on. The head of the Italian Association of Matrimonial Lawyers said Italian law mandates name changes ''when the child's name is likely to limit social interaction and create insecurity.'' ---------------- Italian law requires that if the kid has an Italian last name, then it deserves a decent Italian first name, but every year some boneheads try to sneak around that.
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again." After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Deryck Re: Spreadsheets Dear Webby I have been told that I need to get a spreadsheet and get good at using it. Which one do you recommend? Deryck Dear Deryck That depends entirely what you want to do with it. If you need to enter data from hotels and cyber cafes while away from your office or home computer, use the Google on-line spreadsheets http://spreadsheets.google.com/ It seems a bit awkward, if you are used to fast desktop spreadsheets, but with a bit of practise, you can cook up quite snazzy presentations with it. And they are on-line, ready for you when you get to the next computer. There are more on-line spreadsheets listed at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_on ... readsheets , but it is doubtful that all of those will be as permanet as Google's spreadsheets. If you are always at the same computer, for basic accounting the Open Office CALC is fine, and free. Excel ($229) works as well, but is not free. If you are doing scientific work or enterprise accounting, then get Quattro Pro. It is part of the Corel Office suite. Unfortunately Corel is trying to kill off their office suite with totally ridiculus pricing ($319). However, you can get older versions on eBay for $15 - $50. Look for Word Perfect Office Suite. There are no changes worth mentioning between an 8 year old Quattro Pro and the newest one, and once you got it, it's yours forever. Absolutely no problem transferring it to a new computer, if you have the CD. Have FUN! DearWebby

Sometimes... when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes... when you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just ONE TIME...!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Other Than Candy Treats A trip to the Dollar Store or office supply store can be good for treats that are not candy. Consider giving combs, pencils, erasers, colored pens or pencils, pony tail holders, coloring books instead of candy. Giving the money out ins coins instead of spending it on candy can also be done. Healthy Treats for Halloween http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf000280.tip.html Speaking of Dollar Stores: Do NOT buy Chinese made foil wrapped chocolate coins at dollar stores or Costco. They are supposed to be recalled because of Melamine in them, but some stores may still have them on the shelves. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Bill for this story: A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work pro- perly in case of emergency." My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Pages too large 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 27, 2008

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. --- Herm Albright
Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well...I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car...a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. A marvelous dinner - lobster, steak...then we go see a show let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: This one bloomed today
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 43 year old woman in Miyazaki, Japan Woman arrested for killing virtual husband A Japanese woman has been arrested after she allegedly killed her virtual husband in an online game. The 43 year old was apparently furious at finding herself suddenly divorced in the game Maplestory, reports the BBC. Police say she illegally accessed login details of the man playing her virtual husband, and killed off his character. The woman, a piano teacher, is in jail in Sapporo waiting to learn if she faces charges of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating data. She was taken to Sapporo - where her "husband", a 33-year-old office worker lives - from her home in Miyazaki 620 miles away. If charged with the offences, and convicted, she faces up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $5,000. A Sapporo police official said the woman had used the man's ID and password to log into the game last May to carry out the virtual murder. "I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," she was quoted by the official as telling investigators. http://snipurl.com/4qh9h
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down, when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end... "Hello, is this Bonnie D? We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey." Without missing a beat, she told them: "I am BUSY, survey your own briefs!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moo Moo Re: Pages too big Dear Webby, Hi, it is not the text that is too big, it is the pages that are so big on my screen that I can't read all there is to the left or right even using the scroll bar. Thanks Moo Moo Dear Moo Moo right click on the desktop, Properties Settings And change the resolution to the highest number available in there. If the text becomes too tiny, choose the second highest setting. Let me know how that works out. Have FUN! DearWebby

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "I should warn you. . .you may not want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I speak from personal experience," the expert explained. "For years, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "So finally one day I made a suggestion: 'Hon,' I said, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back persisted, "And didn't that save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Quick Halloween Decorations for a Party Drape white sheets over all the furniture and windows. It looks like a haunted house and a much more realistic and fun decoration than store-bought paper decorations. Add candles in old fashioned holders on top of covered tables, and a few hidden flashlights to provide creepy uplighting. Halloween Decorations http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_Dec ... 0_550.html If you use candles, then you better have a few fire extinguishers handy. Dry powder extinguishers are cheap, but make an awful mess. CO2 extinguishers cost a bit more initially, but the CO2 snow that they throw evaporates without leaving any trace. If you can't afford a fire extinguisher but feel you need burning candles at a rambunctious Halloween party, have a few buckets of wet sand ready. Instead of using your good sheets, you can get really cheap "Painter's Drop Sheets". Unlike the clear and slippery cover sheets, painter's drop sheets are available in very thin canvas, that is safe to walk on. For safe but spooky lighting, try old strings of Christmas lights with some of the bulbs burned out or taken out. Especially the blinking outdoors types can look quite spooky if you have a tangle of them behind a sheet. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner." And THAT is how the substitute organist became the regular organist.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beautful Sunsets
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Set size of IE windows 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 26, 2008

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --- Pablo Picasso If it has neither rhyme, nor rythm, nor a clear message, then it must be modern poetry or a campaign slogan. --- Socratex
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Everytime her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Scroll down at this link and watch the pumpkins! Geeky Pumpkin Faces Sandie
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sent in by Eric Swedish woman married to Berlin Wall A Swedish woman with a fetish for inanimate objects has revealed she's been married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979, reports the Daily Telegraph. Mrs Berliner-Mauer claimed she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a child.She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests. While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she had a full, loving relationship with the wall. Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy. "The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier." While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Berlin Wall was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified. She's never been back and now has only models to remind her of "his" former glory. Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who has shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence, said: "What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband." http://www.orange.co.uk/news/quirkies/d ... Id=2870071
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work and the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea. They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. That was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and later to the remote control
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: IE in full size Dear Webby, Tech help again Don't know what happen but now when I open another page on internet explorer but it comes up half page now. If I remember you had a fix for this. It was coming up full page and now like I said it's half page or smaller. If you can help let me know. Everything I have tried doesn't work Mike Dayton NV Dear Mike The default behavior for Internet Explorer is to open at the same size it was at the last time it was closed. While the default does apply in many cases, it's not always consistent. Try the following workaround: Open a single Internet Explorer window to the smaller size. Drag the corners of the window until it nearly fills the screen. Do not use the maximize button to enlarge the window. Hold down the Ctrl key, and while holding it down use the mouse to click File and then Exit on the toolbar. NOTE: Do not use the "X" in the upper right corner to close the window. Internet Explorer should now open in a full window. If it still opens to a smaller size repeat the above but this time us the "Shift" key instead of the "Ctrl" key. NOTE: This is NOT a permanent fix. Internet Explorer will mess up this setting in a month or less. Print out these instructions and put them into the "Cheat Sheets" ziplock bag taped to the side of the computer. Have FUN! DearWebby

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sheers and Sweats for Ghost Costumes Sheer curtains over white or grey sweats make an ethereal and safe (see through) ghost costume. They're very inexpensive and much lighter than a sheet and no makeup is needed, although one could use a little clown white. - Doris Halloween Costumes http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_Cos ... 0_544.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Questions: 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to testify your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river, which is infested by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it? Answers: 1. The correct answer is open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your prudence. 3. Correct Answer: The Elephant!...It's still in the refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking. 4. Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! I hope you got this one correct at least.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pumpkin Carver
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Gullible Warming was a hoax 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  October 25, 2008

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --- Calvin Trillin Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. --- Henry David Thoreau
Thanks to Sandie for this story: My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So, one evening, I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically. "We could pay off half of your Visa," he responded.
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue," he quipped as he ducked out the door.
Gullible Warming was a hoax! Please turn the thermostat up again!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joel Jones from Suffolk, England Sent in by Eric Ebay dealer threatens to sue over feedback Internet user Chris Read is being threatened with legal action - for posting a website criticism over a £155 mobile phone he bought on eBay. The dad of five, 42, left negative feedback on the auction site after being sent a Samsung F700V from Suffolk-based businessman Joel Jones earlier this month when he ordered an F700. After returning it and waiting more than a week for a refund, he logged a comment saying: "Item was scratched, chipped and not the model advertised." But he was stunned when he received an angry email demanding a retraction. And later was sent court papers from Mr Jones claiming libel damages. Mr Jones, 26, who sells used electronic goods under the username onsalexuk, claimed Chris's comments were damaging his reputation. He said: "We require a signed statement accepting that the feedback is unfair. Unless we receive the statement from you within seven days we will begin legal action." http://snipurl.com/4oplf http://snipurl.com/4opck
A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
From Donna: I downloaded Windows Media Player this morning and it works great! As always thanks for the expert advice. It is so nice of you to give us all this great advice in addition to providing such a great newsletter each day. I can't remember how I found your site, but this makes this second time that you have solved one of my problems and I am most appreciative. Donna From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, PC Pitstop recommends installing the latest (958644) Microsoft security patch now. On October 22, 2008 - Microsoft released security patches for all versions of Windows. This "out-of-cycle" patch was released in Microsoft Security Bulletin MS08-067 . It's sudden release only serves to emphasize it's importance. The bulletin warns of a remote code execution attack that can spread rapidly across the internet. Evidence of this RPC attack was first found two weeks ago and infects machines without any user interaction. ******************************** This is from PC Pitstop that I use to check my pc with. Jai Dear Jai It's quite OK to install, as long as you do it in CUSTOM mode. NEVER allow Express mode, so that you can make sure they are not slithering dumpster-ware like SP3 into your machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, Little Johnny volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grapes Costume Get a purple sweat suit and attach a bunch of purple balloons to it so it looks like a bunch of grapes. Put on a purple beanie and purple face paint to finish off the costume. Visit ThriftyFun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance. "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer. "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow." "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as you'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Museum of Unworkable Design
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Real Player problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 24, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. --- Andy Warhol
Thanks to Noella for this report: Suppose a new student enrolls at your school. Her name is Le - a. How would you pronounce the child's name??? Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE! Lay - a?? NO! Lei?? Guess Again. It's pronounced 'Ledasha,' oh yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent. This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. When asked about the pronunciation of the name, the mother replied, "the dash don't be silent." The mother, Latreena McQueesha, explained that "in Ebonics, 'Le - a' make more since, as when honkies calls her daughter Granola".
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?" "Well, rattler bit me one time." "Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck no. Dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: This one bloomed today: Wilcoxia Felgeri The dead blossoms are from when it bloomed in spring.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Israel Gomez, 20, of hartford, Conn Sent in by Ann Fake Policeman Busted After Stopping Real One The Associated Press HARTFORD, Conn. | Police say a Connecticut man playing police officer picked the wrong person to pull over. Israel Gomez was arrested Tuesday after pulling over an off-duty Hartford police lieutenant. Police say 20-year-old Gomez turned on flashing lights and used a siren and loudspeaker to coax police Lt. Ronald Bair off the road. Bair called for backup, and officers arrested Gomez and 20-year-old Esteban Cardona. Gomez is charged with impersonating a police officer, reckless driving and improper use of red flashing lights. Cardona, who was driving another car involved in the bogus traffic stop, is charged with reckless driving. They were released on written promises to appear in court. http://www.theledger.com/article/200810 ... /810220279 _____________________ Gomez, of 586 Franklin Ave., was charged with impersonating a police officer, reckless driving and improper use of red flashing lights. Cardona, of 20 Victoria Road, was charged with reckless driving. Both men were released from custody. Let's hope they get at least ten times as much time as the grannie who refused to stop for real cops!
Modern Poetry: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn't.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, Thanks so much for the great newsletter that brightens each of my days. I have XP and just this past week, I can no longer open any attachments on the emails I receive. I get the message "Real Player cannot play the file. The Player might not support the file type or a required codec might not be installed on your computer." Can I just go to one of the sites for Real Player and do a new download? Always appreciate your expertise. Donna Dear Donna Some of those download invitations are probably phony, but if you go to the genuine Real Player site, you should be safe. You can also get Windows Media Player and make that your default media player. That has worked fine for me for the last 10 years or so. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Energy When Using Your Oven Any time you open your oven the temperature drops 25 to 30 degrees (Fahrenheit). If you want to peek at the dish you are baking, use the window on the door and oven light instead. When you are done baking, leave the door open to allow the excess heat to warm your home. Visit ThriftyFun for more Green Living Tips by clicking here If your oven light is burned out, use a regular, small 40 Watt lightbulb, not the Chinese made spiral lights. Regular lightbulbs can handle the oven temparature quite nicely. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Coral Gables , Miami (IPP) - The National Hurricane Center (NHC) in Coral Gables, Florida announced this morning that Ebonic names will be given to hurricanes in 2009. They have decided to do this in the interest of maintaining a fair and balanced list of names issued to tropical cyclones. The list of names for 2009 is: Aquanita, Bactrin, Chetiqua, Duanita, Equandolyn, Floce, Genatren, Halibasha, Ignitia, Jartrovious, Kendrick, Kracheeta, Latreena, Machoda, Niqueesha, Oranjello, Pecola, Robitussin, Six-Pak-4-Sure, Tywana and Zneeta.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Earth Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: paragraph sign in MS WORD 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 23, 2008

Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it. --- Jules Renard Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. --- Laurence J. Peter
A man said to his friend, "I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death." His friend said, "What does being nearsighted have to do with working yourself to death?" And the man said, "I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the time."
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, kid?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"
Thanks to Deelie for this picture: Balcony Buddy
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the science teacher at Big Sandy, texas High School Sent in by Ramona Students Bitten by Venomous Snake in a Classroom By KENNETH DEAN Staff Writer BIG SANDY - Two Big Sandy High School science students are in a Tyler hospital recovering from bites from a venomous snake that was misidentified by their science teacher. Scott Beene, the Big Sandy Independent School District superintendent, said the incident happened Monday as the two students were handling what they thought was a rat snake in a science lab where other snakes were also housed. Beene said the biology teacher was leading the class in another experiment, but the students’ curiosity got the best of them and they wanted to look at a snake that had just been brought in to the class Monday morning. Beene said the two students were handling one snake when it began fighting with another and that is when they were both bitten. One boy was bitten several times before the other student helped him and was also bitten. Beene would not say which hospital or the exact condition of the students, citing they are both minors. However, he did say he believed both would remain hospitalized for several more days. “This is something we have never had happened and we are praying for a full recovery for both students,” he said. Beene said students routinely brought in other animals such as turtles to be classified and the snake, that turned out to be a cotton mouth, was brought into the class earlier in the year. “I do not know how long that snake had been in the science lab, but the teacher evidently misidentified it as a non-venomous snake,” he said. _____________________ Not all cottonmouth snakes as as colorful as this slightly overfed Zoo specimen. Usually they are more gray / charcoal colored, but the identifying mark of the cottonmouth is the 2 tone dark mustache line. Here is how they usually look in the wild: A cottonmouth is usually aggressive and won't scamper away like a rattler, when you stomp your foot. Because the cottonmouth is the most dangerous snake in Texas, it is featured on many tourist brochures. That bonehead teacher should be ordered to buy Tennant's "Field Guide to Texas Snakes" not just for himself, but for all of his students!
Thanks to Sandie for this: A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street. My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid! I thought that was my daughter."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerry Re: Paragraph symbod in WORD Dear Webby, Help!!! I was preparing my Lions Club Newsletter and something happened to the text (It also shows on ALL my texts) the Paragraph symbol shows up on every line with arrows and dots between words. I tried to contact Microsoft service and keep getting sent back to the same general "Contact us" I know you are not a big Microsoft fan (I kept XP despite their efforts to move me into their next mess). Maybe you have a brief shortcut that will get rid of my Paragraph symbols. Thanx -- and I really appreciate the daily (seven days a week) DearWebby column. Jerry Dear Jerry Congratulations on avoiding Vista! I am an XP fan. Like most businesses, we switched to Open Office some time ago. Maybe Microsoft did too, and their pet Talibans are no longer supporting WORD ? As far as I remember, there is a ¶ button in the top menu. Hitting that should make the paragraph symbols invisible. You can also go to Tools > Options > View. Under the heading "Formatting marks" take off the checkmarks. Have FUN! DearWebby

To keep your husband from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "appliance instruction manuals". To keep your wife from reading your email, put it in a folder labeled "car repair records".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Makeshift Level Need to level a picture or painting on your wall but you don't have a level handy? Just put a little water in a glass and hold it on the top edge of the frame. The frame is level when the water in the glass is. Visit ThriftyFun for more Home Improvement Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html For more precision, tie a paper clip or other small weight to some limp or wet thread, and the other end of it to the end of a pencil or ruler or stick. My mom used the handle of the big wooden spoon, that she broke on my noggin while trying to educate me. Lay the pencil or stick on the top edge, so that the thread hangs down about a match width from the side edge. Unlike with the water glass, there is no guesswork involved. When the picture, or fridge or stove or whatever you are levling, is perfectly level, the thread is a match width away at both top and bottom. Afterward, the thread can be spooled up on the stick and tossed into the tool drawer for next time. A "plumb-bob" like that is actually more precise than a store-bought level. Have FUN! Dear Webby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New Zealand via National Geographic
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: XCOPY from machine to machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 22, 2008

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function. --- Georges Clemenceau
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says. The intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." "Well, thank heaven," said the wife. "At least our James has nothing standing in his way."
Sign posted in a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." Scribbled underneath was: "Socks can eat any place they want."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Bougie
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Djurens Ratt, in Stockholm, Sweden Snivelers object to pretend elk hunt GRASMYR, Sweden (UPI) -- Animal rights snivelers have condemned a pretend hunt in Sweden where pre-school children were encouraged to shoot at a cloth elk puppet. "Pre-school children are a target group identified by the Swedish Association for Hunting and Wildlife Management. They run specific campaigns to encourage children's interest in killing animals," said the Swedish animal rights sniveler Djurens Ratt. Children at the Vintergatan pre-school in the northern town of Grasmyr held their pretend hunt last week, the prey being an elk puppet filled with buns, the Swedish news agency tt reported Sunday. Teachers at the school defended their actions as helping children prepare for everyday life, reported the newspaper Vasterbottens-Kuriren "For our children who grow up in an environment where hunting is part of everyday life it is important that the children also be given the chance to take a position on the issue," said teacher Maria Nygard. ---------------- Grasmyr is in the far North of Sweden, not in Stockholm. Elk there are not cute bambies, but a normal meat provider, just like cattle are in the South of Sweden. Even here, I can buy elk meat less than a mile from my house.
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife mumbled, "but it gets awfully crowded in there during hockey season!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Randy Re: copy large folders across a network Dear Webby: I need to copy some large folders from my old computer to my new one. I got them networked OK, and I can drag files and small folders across, but with large program and data folders I have a problem. Whenever Windows encounters any problem, Billy gets in a snit, takes his marbles and goes home to Mama. When I redo the copy, it stalls and gives up at the same spot. I got XP on both machines. Why is that so, and how do I get around that? Randy Dear Randy If you ever read the small print in what you agreed to when you bought Windows, you saw that they want you to be aware that Windows is not a fail-safe system and that it does not recover from errors gracefully. To get around that problem, you have to revert to good old DOS. START, RUN, cmd But first, view the drive or partition on the new machine with the file explorer on the old machine, and assign a network drive letter to the C: drive on the new machine. For example Z: Then go to the DOS command prompt and type: net use Z: and hit ENTER. That will establish the DOS network connection. You can verify that it worked by typing: dir Z:\ It will show you the list of files in the root directory of the new machine. Ugly, but that's how we did it in the stone age. If the white text on black bothers your eyes, type color 9e and hit Enter. Feel free to experiment with different number and letter combinations. Let's say the directory that you want to copy is E:\Alpha\Eudora and the destination is Z:\Alpha\Eudora So you type: xcopy /E /D /H /R /K /Y E:\Alpha\Eudora\*.* z:\Alpha\Eudora and hit Enter. You will see a list of files scoot by, until there is a snag. Instead of giving up, it stops and tells you that it can't copy a certain file. Most likely it is a file that got messed when you had tried to drag with Windows. So, simply go to the destination machine and delete that file. You can use the file explorer for that. Back to the source machine. Hit the UP arrow to repeat the command. Because of the /D switch, xcopy won't waste time with stuff that is not newer on the source machine than the target machine. You may hit more snags, and can deal with them the same way. Eventually all of that directory and all it's subdirectories will have been copied over at lightning speed. And yes, it is indeed a good idea to write that command and all the switches onto the monitor frame, because you will want to use it again: xcopy /E /D /H /R /K /Y source/*.* destination Have FUN! DearWebby

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stuck Together Postage Stamps If postage stamps become stuck together, put them in the freezer for an hour or two. When you remove them, they should come apart easily. Visit ThriftyFun for more Helpful Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?" The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Home Remedies & Natural Cures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: More SP3 Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 21, 2008

We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld In anger we should refrain both from speech and action. --- Pythagoras
There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died. "WHAT?!?!" asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. "I loved that cat! You can't just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat's on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you're doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died." The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, "Your mother-in-law is on the roof."
A fellow who’s just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It’s actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That’s impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 150 years! The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you’re right."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Peek a BOO
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Edna Jester, 89, of Cincinnati, Ohio Ball Hog BLUE ASH, Ohio – Police in Ohio say an 89-year-old woman is facing a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children accuse her of refusing to give back their football. Edna Jester was arrested last week in the Cincinnati suburb of Blue Ash. Police say one child's father complained that Jester kept the youngsters' ball after it landed in her yard. Jester is to appear in court next month. The maximum penalty for a petty theft conviction in Ohio is six months in jail and a fine of up to $1,000.
Thanks to Dave for this story: A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had Held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In Fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow Driving habits. I can't stand it anymore,' she told him. 'Let's play A game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll Remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he Ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His Girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him Free but alas he was stuck. 'Go to the road and get help,' he said. 'I don't have anything to cover myself with!' she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. 'You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,' he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the Road, he pulled over to hear her story. 'My boyfriend! My boyfriend!' she sobs, 'He's stuck and I can't pull him out!' The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, 'Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rheta Re: SP3 problems Dear webby: i uninstaled the sp3 thing and now a lot of stuf on my computer wont work. and i canot down load any thing to fix the problem ....Grrrrr. Rheta Dear Rheta I guess you are beginning to see why I am so fanatic against SP3! Do you have ANY browser left that you can use? If you don't have one, let me know and I'll send one to you by email. Check your email limits: FireFox is 5 MB Opera is 6 MB Safari os 45 MB (forget THAT one!) IE6 is on your Set-Up CD, but quite a nuisance to re-install after SP3 has messed up your system. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box." Somehow, it didn't go over too well.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Loose Screws If you have a screw loose in something made of wood, just remove the screw and fill the hole with wood putty. Let the wood putty dry and then reinsert the screw. Click Here To Visit ThriftyFun For More Repair Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_1876.html If it is a load bearing screw, I prefer to fill the hole with 2 component epoxy and drive the screw in right away. That way some of the glue is forced into the wood and provides a very strong bond. Don't expect to be able to remove that screw without heating it! Have Fun! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A battle-axe of a teacher is giving an assignment to her sixth grade class. The instructions are lengthy, so she starts writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there is a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Bobby?" "Well, teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom!" she yells. "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she has forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it. Another of the boys giggles. She turns again and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "Well, teacher, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom! I don't want to see you for two weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns back to the board, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter. She turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom. "And where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well, teacher," he says, "from what I just saw, my school days are over."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: baby Critter Pix
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Lost Screen Savers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 20, 2008

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. --- Bill Hoest Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. --- Doug Larson
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me...."
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel when we were on our honeymoon!"
Thanks to TJ A. for this picture: Canmore, Alberta
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to town council in Hereford, England Pensioner told to stop cutting grass A pensioner has been ordered to stop mowing the grass outside his home because it makes the road look too tidy. Brian Hubbard has regularly cut the patch of grass outside his Hereford home since he moved in four years ago. He also picks up litter, rakes the leaves and cleans up council contractors' grass cuttings, reports the Daily Telegraph. But he has received a letter accusing him of "encroaching" on council land and been told that he must "return the area to its original state within 28 days" or the work would be carried out at his expense. He said: "Whoever would have thought that cultivating the grass, cutting it regularly and raking the leaves off could be described as encroachment? Do they want me to put weeds and dandelions in?" A spokesman for Herefordshire Council apologised for the tone of the letter and suggested a meeting to discuss the situation.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: J Re: Lost screen savers Hi There Webby, Hope alls well with you & yours... I have 2 problems... Okie-Dokie, Here's first the problem... I downloaded several screen-savers and saved them in a desktop briefcase... Now when I go to the Control Panel / Display there is no tab for the screen-saver option, where I can select one ? Like I said I have several new ones in a briefcase, but what happened to the old ones with that tab to get to them? (you know the flying windows/ objects in space ect. Ect ect I'm on WindowsXP, Professional Version 2002...( I don't have the CD disk anymore so that's out as a solution) Also I use Firefox as a Browser.. I used that Crap Cleaner several times, Do you think I might have deleted them forever...I don't know what it does, I just click it and clean up whatever it does... Any help you can share with me would be greatly appreciated.. J Dear J To set up screen savers, right-click the desktop Properties, ScreenSaver. Crap Cleaner doesn't un-install programs. It just dumps the fragments of procedures, that are left behind in the memory, and similar crap. Have FUN! DearWebby

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, we better run!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Skeleton Costume Take an old black sweat suit and paint bones on it with white paint. Use glow-in-the-dark paint and it will look extra spooky. You also can glue on white felt or a glow-in-the-dark material for the bones. Visit ThriftyFun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant : "I didn't want to wake up the children."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Antelope Canyon
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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