Dear Webby, is IE7 OK now? 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 20, 2008

Excellence is not an act, it is a habit. --- Aristotle The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears. — James Allen
Thanks to Tina for this classic: Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School Dogooders run amok March 17, 2008 - New Haven, Connecticut - UPI A New Haven, Conn., eighth-grader was suspended from school and stripped of his class vice president title for buying a bag of Skittles at school. Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School handed down the punishment in accordance with a 2003 New Haven school system policy banning all candy sales in schools as part of the district wellness policy, the New Haven Register reported Wednesday. Michael Sheridan's suspension was reduced from three days to one, but his mother said she still believes the punishment is too severe for the crime of purchasing candy from another student in the hallway. "It's too much. It's too unfair," Shelli Sheridan said. "He's never even had a detention." However, the district said it has been very clear about its policy toward candy sales on school grounds. "There are no candy sales allowed in schools, period," said school spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Is IE7 safe now? Dear Webby I had to reformat my computer and the origional disk had IE 6. I had upgraded to IE 7 before formatting and had no problems with this version. I want to install IE 7 but I recall that you had several times mentioned that there were several problems with this version. Have these problems been solved or should I stay with IE 6? I liked IE 7 and would like to install it but I don't need problems. Comments please. Daily voter, Bob Dear Bob The IE7 problems still exist and neither the Dept of Defense nor the DoT nor Webby allow IE7 on any of our machines. We don't like having to format perfectly good machines, ya know. Have FUN! DearWebby

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Berlin Germany - AP A long love story is over at a German zoo: Petra the swan and her swan-shaped paddleboat are parting ways. Petra, a black swan, became a minor celebrity in 2006 when she became so attached to the boat — which is shaped like an oversized white swan — that she refused to leave its side. Officials in the western city of Muenster decided to let her stay with it over the winter, bringing both bird and boat into a city zoo. However, Petra met a live swan this winter. Zoo director Joerg Adler says she and her new mate — a white swan — are building a nest together. The boat is to be returned to its local owner on Thursday. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/s ... t-ways.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Tar From Your Car Butter, creamy peanut butter, or vegetable oil applied to tar and left for 12 to 24 hours should soften to make it easier to remove. If that doesn't work, try WD-40, kerosene, or mineral spirits applied directly to the tar. This solution will mostly likely remove wax from your car as well. Removing Tar From Your Car Butter, creamy peanut butter, or vegetable oil applied to tar and left for 12 to 24 hours should soften to make it easier to remove. If that doesn't work, try WD-40, kerosene, or mineral spirits applied directly to the tar. This solution will mostly likely remove wax from your car as well. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the washroom. "Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet." They boy says the alphabet: "a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z." "What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher. "It's leaking out of my boots now."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Slow first link 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 19, 2008

No man can get rich himself unless he enriches others. --- Earl Nightingale No one will ever WIN the battle of the sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. --- Henry Kissinger
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place: Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a play, I play the part of a man who has been married for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Cleveland Ohio Scraping the bottom of the barrel March 17, 2008 - Cleveland, Ohio - UPI Half of the six candidates seeking a Cleveland City Council seat have criminal records -- including one whose murder conviction bars him from holding office. John Boyd, 50, is prohibited by state law from taking office because he was convicted of murder in 1973 and several additional felonies in the 1980s and '90s, The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer reported Wednesday. "I have not encountered anyone who has told me I can't run," Boyd said. He said he has dedicated his life to inspiring troubles teenagers. Fellow candidates Yvonne Grimes, 57, and Ernest Turner, 57, also have criminal records. Grimes pleaded guilty in 2005 to misdemeanor charges of attempted forgery and theft of less than $500, while Turner was convicted on a misdemeanor drug charge in 1986. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Slow first link Dear Webby I need to pick your awesome brain again....When I click on a link - such as the breast cancer or cup of food sites on your ezine the initial click takes about 2 mins to connect to the site.. then the others are easy- this happens on any site not just yours.... any idea what's going on and how I can fix it ????? Haven't a clue or even where to look for this one. Thanks and thanks as always... Ann Dear Ann That is just Telus, your ISP, turning down your speed when you are not busy browsing. The first link you go to is slow, after that they crank your speed up closer to what you are paying for, Yelling at them does no good, they just have a bunch of lame excuses, and do it anyway. They even do it with expensive business accounts. Not all, but many ISPs do that nowadays. Have FUN! DearWebby

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

Deeli's Kudos March 18, 2008 - Nashville, Tennessee - UPI Tennessee lawmakers are mulling a bill to void restrictive covenants barring blacks, Jews or women from owning property in certain neighborhoods, a report said. Although the covenants cannot be enforced, they remain on paper. The legislation, introduced by Democratic state Sen. Doug Jackson, would allow current property owners and prospective buyers the ability to remove written covenants dealing with race, religion, gender or ethnicity, the newspaper. "They really reflect a time when discrimination was really very ordinary and common and just accepted," Jackson said. "There's no reason for that information to continue to be included in deeds recorded at our courthouse every day." http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-319080-299871


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using Broccoli Stems You don't have to throw away those broccoli stems. They can be cooked with broccoli flowers if you cut them into bite size pieces and cut an "x" in each end. They also make a great Cream of Broccoli Soup. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT! I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Splatter
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Dear Webby: Length of network cable 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 18, 2008

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. --- Blake Clark A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. --- Doug Larson
Thanks to Wendy for these: Insane Animal Laws In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m. in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 p.m. in Essex Falls, New Jersey, are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces -- the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Thanks to Rubye for this Classic: There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother, 2. He liked Gospel, 3. He didn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His father's business, 2. He lived at home until he was 33, 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands, 2. He had wine with His meals, 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair, 2. He walked around barefoot all the time, 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature, 2. He ate a lot of fish, 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married, 2. He was always telling stories, 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food, 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ted Kennedy Bad example March 14, 2008 - Nantucket, Massachusetts - Newsmax Thanks to Ross for this submission. Ted Kennedy has called Nantucket Sound near his Massachusetts estate “a national treasure” — but that didn’t stop the senator from having oil dumped from his yacht into its waters. A local photographer spotted an oil slick coming from Kennedy’s yacht Mya as Kennedy and his guests left the vessel in a launch following a race that ended in Hyannis, the Cape Cod Today newspaper reported. The lensman was so shocked that he rowed his dinghy out to question the crew member left aboard the yacht. He asked the crewman, “What the hell are you doing?” The crewman said that diesel fuel had gotten into the bilge and he was told to dump it. When the photographer pointed out that the yacht was moored in coastal waters near shellfish beds and people swimming, the crewman replied, “Whatever.” Cape Cod Today published a photo showing the oil slick emanating from Mya. As Newsmax reported earlier, Kennedy has opposed a proposal to construct a wind farm in Nantucket Sound to produce cheap, clean energy. Asked why, he said: “That’s where I sail.” http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/Kenn ... ode=4742-1 -------------------------------- Senator Kennedy got caught dumping oil from his yacht near shellfish beds in 2002, but since he is a senator, laws don't seem to apply to him.
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Thanks to Dad for this picture of an Aporo Cactus that bloomed today.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Length of network cable Dear Webby Thanks for the info, but I have had some calls that stated that their modem/router was mor than 50 feet, and also I have this one guy there at the center that stated that after 25 ft. you will lose you connection speed. So I wonder if is in the wiring that they are making now and or what type of ethernet cord do you recommend? Eddie Dear Eddie The recommended maximum length for a cat5 or cat5e cable is 328 feet or 100 meters. CAT 6 is rated for 250Mhz up to a distance of 1000 meters. Those clowns should read what's written on the packages! Under 25 feet you don't really need cable, unless you have to go around a welder or a safe, because wireless is normally very fast for the first 25 feet anyway. With wireless it drops off with the cube of the distance, same as light. Twice the distance is 2 x 2 x 2 8 times less signal strength. 3 times further is 27 times less signal strength. 4 times further is 64 times less signal strength. With cable you don't have that problem. Cat 5 and Cat 6 are nicely shielded and since there is no real current flowing, there is no noticeable voltage drop. The network cards use CMOS transistors, that act like closed loop hydraulics. They transmit the push-pull impulses, but nothing flows out at either end. Keep in mind that on the other side of the modem is a crude and unshielded phone line that simultaneously also carries fax and voice and muzak and a pretty serious 60 cycle hum. The modem just peels off the high frequency, cleans it up a bit and forwards it down the ethernet cable. If the signal coming TO the modem is reasonably good, don't worry about the length of the ethernet cable. Have FUN! DearWebby

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read an on-line article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired!"

Deeli's Kudos March 17, 2008 - Forest Lake, Minnesota - Happy News A Forest Lake woman has her mom's ashes back. Last month, a thief burglarized Michele Siedow's home and stole her mother's ashes. Two days after news media reported the theft, Siedow received the cremains in the mail, in a padded manila envelope. Siedow says she ''just started jumping up and down saying, 'I got my mom back! I got my mom back!' '' Then she started crying. The thief who struck Siedow's home took electronics, tools and everything in a jewelry box -- including a 5-inch velvet bag with a funeral home's name on it. The bag contained some of her mother's cremated remains. Police are still investigating the burglary and have some leads. http://www.happynews.com/news/3172008/t ... -ashes.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Shoes Always try on both shoes and walk around in them, try on different sizes to make sure you get the right fit. Try on shoes in the afternoon because your feet swell as the day goes on. Also, keep in mind that leather will stretch over time but man made materials will not give as much. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Anni stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Good Ol Boy
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Dear Webby: Getting only partial emails 




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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 17, 2008
Happy St Patrick's Day!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" OOOPS, I missed another one: STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Nova Scotia: Tall ships in the rain
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a priest from Burkina Faso Bad example March 13, 2008 - Vatican City, Italy - BBC A footballing priest from Burkina Faso has been sent off in a church tournament for throwing his shirt at the referee in Italy. The incident happened in the Clericus Cup over the weekend with the actions of the priest leading to Paul the Apostle's College being eliminated. Italian sports officials had expressed hopes that the tournament held at the Vatican City will help restore a positive image of football in Italy, which has been marred by recent violence. The Clericus Cup is an international football tournament including Catholic priests and seminarians. There are 16 teams made up of the various catholic colleges and church congregations in Vatican City. There is also a team made up of the Pope's bodyguards, the Swiss guards. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/footbal ... 287154.stm
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Thanks to Dianne for this picture of miniature horses
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Duane Re: Partial mails Dear Webby I am not getting the body of the articles. I am only getting what you see below. I was getting everything and then all of a sudden this happens. Do you have any suggestions?? Thanks, Duane Dear Duane Your subject line was: Subject: Re: {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} {Disarmed} Humor: Old printer drivers That makes it very clear that the problem is your mis-configured spam control. Try putting humor@webby.com into the White List or Friends List. Then it should stop messing up your subscription. Have FUN! DearWebby

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "aye Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Deeli's Kudos March 12, 2008 - Wellington, New Zealand - AP Most days, Moko the bottlenosed dolphin swims playfully with humans at a New Zealand beach. But this week, it seems, Moko found his mojo. Witnesses described Wednesday how they saw the dolphin swim up to two stranded whales and guide them to safety. Before Moko arrived, rescue workers had been working for more than an hour to get two pygmy sperm whales, a mother and her calf, back out to sea after they were stranded Monday off Mahia Beach. The whales restranded themselves four times on a sandbar slightly out to sea from the beach, about 300 miles northeast of the capital, Wellington. It looked likely they would have to be euthanized to prevent a prolonged death. ''Moko just came flying through the water and pushed in between us and the whales,'' Juanita Symes, a rescuer, told The Associated Press. ''She got them to head toward the hill, where the channel is. It was an amazing experience.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/3122008/d ... es-sea.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get an Estimate for Car Repairs Always get an estimate in writing before having repair work done on your car. Once the repairs are done, only pay for the repairs that you authorized. Pay with a credit card so you can reverse the charge if there is a problem with the work that the repair shop won't remedy. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $50 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $50 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the four-hundred bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 7-1."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Good Ol Boy
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Old printer drivers 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 16, 2008

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." OOOPS, I missed one: STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Wyoming: Why ?
Thanks to Sr Anna for this story: Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said yo the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!'
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pal Nagy, 43, Budapest, Hungary Burglar for practise March 13, 2008 - Bucharest, Hungary - Ananova A burglar in Hungary climbed over a fence to rob a house only to be confronted by a sword-wielding Olympic fencing ace. Virgine Ujlaky, 23, was practicing her swordplay when she saw Pal Nagy, 43, clambering in through a window of her house in a posh suburb of Budapest. But within seconds and a few swift slashes of the sword the crook was pinned against the wall, with the blade against his throat as the swordswoman reached for the phone and called police. They arrested the villan 20 minutes later, who had to be treated by paramedics for shock. Ujlaky said: "I wasn't scared when I saw him. It was good practice as I have a competition coming up this week." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2766572.html?menu=
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture of a Polar bear inspecting the USS Honolulu submarine
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Old printer driver Dear Webby I need to ask you if you can help me on another problem. I have an Epson Printer that I've had for several years now & all of a sudden when I try to print I get an error message telling theat mainteance needs to be done. Since the macheine is out of warranty I have checked w/ Epson on a solution but have not come up w/ one othe than going to service center whichj is not close by. So I am looking into getting a new printer. They wrote to tell me how to uninstall the old one. I tried to do this by going to "add/remove" programs which they told me to do. When I clikced on chanbe/remove I get a box telling me the following "16bit Windows Subsystem" "C:\WINDOWS|SYSTEN 32\AUTOEXEC>NT. The system file is not suitable for running MS-DOS and Microsoft Windows applicatuions. Choose 'Close' to treminate the application." When I click on ignore it goes back to the hilited epson Printer software but will not uninstall. Is there something else I need to do.I am getting very stressed on this & could sure use your help. Sharon Dear Sharon Since you plan to throw that printer into the garbage anyway, have some fun with it first. Vacuum it out thoroughly with an upholstery crevice wand, preferably after changing the filter/bag on the vacuum. In case it vacuums up valuable parts or accessories like an engagement ring, spare change, whatever, they are a lot easier to retrieve that way. Don't be shy about bouncing the printer around and slapping it. You have a 60% chance that cleaning and what we call "percussive maintenance", will fix it. Mobile troubleshooters will also tell you that transporting an Epson printer in the back of a pick-up truck on a rough road will fix 95% of them. If that doesn't help, replace it. With today's shop rates, it is not economical to repair an old printer. Once you have the new printer installed, go into Settings, Control Panel, Printers, make the new printer the default printer, and delete the old Epson. The old printer driver is not big enough to worry about it. Just deselct it from your printer line-up. Have FUN! DearWebby

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement on the netr were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Deeli's Kudos March 14, 2008 - Boulder, Colorado - UPI Joy Douglas, owner of Zing Salon in Boulder, faces a fine of up to $1,000 a day for dying her pet, Cici. A hearing in municipal court Tuesday was postponed when Douglas said she has hired an attorney. Douglas ran afoul of an ordinance that specifically prohibits dying "fowl or rabbits or any other animals." "No person shall dye or color live fowl, rabbits or any other animals or have in possession, display, sell or give away such dyed or colored animals," the ordinance reads. Douglas said Cici gets only natural coloring -- beet juice and occasionally pink Kool-Aid. "Cici will be pink until they kick us out of the city of Boulder," Douglas told reporters. She said she dyes her dog to raise awareness about breast cancer. Copyright 2008 by United Press International


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Warning About Storing Garlic Cloves In Oil Botulism can develop when garlic is stored oil, especially if it is stored at room temperature. The garlic and oil should be used immediately or stored in the refrigerator for no more than a week. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the sentencing he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

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Dear Webby: Undelivered mail returned 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 15, 2008

Yesterday is a cancelled check; Tomorrow is a promissory note; Today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely. --- Kim Lyons Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. --- Andre Gide
I ran into John at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," John replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly yelling 'My husband is home! My husband is home'!!!" STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: But it's a dry cold, except along the coast. Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good. Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable! North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep. Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese BC: It doesn't always rain. Sometimes it snows. Alberta: Wanna buy some oil ? Saskatchewan: In Floriduh they call us 'Snowbirds'. Manitoba: Not Wendy's. WINDY! Ontario: Very little pollution if you go up north. Quebec: La Belle Provence! Our ookers speek Anglais. Newfoundland: We got Screech! PEI: Simply Spudastic! Cape Breton: Get high in our highlands, eh! New Brunswick: Better than Old Brunswick NWT: There is more to life than working. Yukon: The summer month is fantastic!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to lunbatics in London, UK March 14, 2008 - London, UK - UPI A man who climbed a fence and ran onto a runway at Heathrow International Airport outside London Thursday afternoon triggered a security alert. The man was arrested after he sprinted into the path of a Boeing 777 belonging to Emirates Airways. Authorities destroyed the man's knapsack in a controlled explosion. Police said it contained no explosives, but it was fun blowing it up anyway. Heathrow, west of London near the Thames River, has been the subject of many protests in recent weeks because of plans to expand the airport, including adding another runway. Queen Elizabeth is scheduled to open a new terminal building Friday. Last month, a group of Greenpeace members held a protest at the airport that included climbing on a Boeing 777 and displaying a banner. Members of another group, Plane Stupid, got onto the roof of Britain's Parliament last month. The pigeons apparently didn't like that at all and protested noisily. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Aloe Vera:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eloise Re: Mail returned undelivered Dear Webby I keep having mail returned undelivered. I don't know if they eventually get it but I get the message that it has not been able to deliver it for '4 hours' or so. Is this a problem with my email (Webby) or Persona? Eloise Dear Eloise That's a problem at the recipient side. YOUR side was trying to deliver, but if the recipient side is down, then eventually it will bounce back to you. Could be the recipient's server is down, or that the recipient changed email addresses, or that there is a typo in the address, or that the recipient's mailbox is full, or that the spam control of the recipient blocks mail from you. The fact that you do get the delivery failure notice shows that YOUR mail sends and receives OK. Have FUN! DearWebby

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

Deeli's Kudos March 13, 2008 - Washington County. Maryland - CBS It's been sitting for a year in a real estate market that won't move. Now the owners of a home in Maryland are raffling off their house for a good cause. The house sits on 3.2 acres, has its own trout stream and has been updated from the top floor to the wooden floors. For a $100 raffle ticket, this $400,000 home in Indian Springs, about 20 miles west of Hagerstown, will be a mutually beneficial situation. "I've been a teacher all my life and my focus has been children. And naturally I thought of San Mar because it's very nurturing and rebuilds the lives of children with difficult life experiences," one of the owners said. San Mar's Children's Home For At Risk Girls is celebrating its 125th year. It provides residential care for adolescent girls who have been abused, neglected or have behavior problems. Director Daniel Day sees this raffle as a win-win for the homeowner and the children's home. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/house.raffle.2.673837.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pets Require and Time and Money The old saying goes "Pets are for life, not for Christmas". If you are planning on getting or giving a pet as a gift, make sure to take into account all the fees and time commitments that are associated with feeding, training and providing medical care for the pet. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brabant will be my chauffeur."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Driver and support problems at HP 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 14, 2008
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -– Franklin P. Jones
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?" "Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!" Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar. Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" "Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednesday."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Irene Fedorova, 67, Orenburg, Russia Dangerous loot March 13, 2008 - Russia - Ananova Police officers, secretaries and criminals were evacuated from a Russian police station after a granny walked in with a handbag filled with hand grenades. Irene Fedorova, 67, walked into the station in the Orenburg Region in the Urals and said she wanted to take advantage of an arms amnesty. She said she wanted to get rid of some old weapons that her late husband Boris had kept under their bed. Officers who opened the bag found it contained several hand grenades including two that had faulty pins and could have gone off at any moment. She said: "I read they were disposing of old weapons and thought it was a good idea. I brought them in on the bus in my handbag. I was sorry to have caused such a fuss - perhaps next time they should offer a collection service." After the building was cleared bomb squad experts were called in to remove the F-1 and RGD-5 grenades. A spokesman said: "These were fragmentation grenades which explode into hundreds of fragments and inflict serious injuries to people up to 50 feet away. Anyone within ten feet will be killed if they go off." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2766567.html?menu=
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Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Many Subscribers Re: HP support A lot of subscribers wrote about their bad experiences with HP and Compaq and eMachines support. Those HP machines may be OK in a company that has it's own support department and strict control over what is installed, but I sure would not recommend them for experimental environments like home use. Other companies have their drivers and driver updates under control, and some, like Dell, even download them automatically, just like Windows security patches. They even send firmware updates to upgrade the CMOS in the printer. When the download is finished, a message pops, asking you if you want to refrain from printing for a minute while it updates the firmware in the printer. Until HP gets their driver problems sorted out and better support staff, I can't recommend them. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident. First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive." Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us." Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other. Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that." To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"

Deeli's Kudos March 12, 2008 - West Monroe, Louisiana - AP When firefighters arrived at a blaze a resident of the house approached firefighter Stephen ''Odie'' Odom and told him two dogs were trapped inside. Odom entered the house and found the two tiny terriers in pet carriers in a smoke-filled room, and shuttled them to safety. When he removed one of the dogs from its carrier, Odom noticed it was not breathing and its tongue was hanging out. The firefighter removed his face mask and placed the dog's head inside so the oxygen could blow in its face. When the oxygen didn't work, Odom began performing CPR on the dog by ''cupping my hands around the dog's snout and blowing until I could feel his chest expand. After approximately one minute of doggie CPR, I noticed the dog trying to breathe on its own.'' he said. Five minutes later the dog began looking around and was given to the owner of the house. An oxygen tank was left with the animal. http://www.happynews.com/news/3122008/f ... ny-dog.htm

The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent. "Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Programmable Thermostat Program your thermostat to keep your home to a lower or higher (for air conditioning) temperature when you are not home or sleeping. If your home doesn't have a thermostat with these capabilities, buy one for less than $50 at your local hardware store and they are relatively easy to install. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Three Religious Truths of Life: 1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah. 2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. 3. Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other

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Dear Webby: HP Support 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 13, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday!

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. --- Mark Twain See them always as open, and thus the doors shall be. — Johni Redd
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes...Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?" When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ryan Mueller, 30, of Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin How low can one get? Sheboygan, Wisconsin - AP A Wisconsin man has been charged with sneaking into a toddler's bedroom and stealing $20 from a piggy bank while the two-year-old girl slept. Authorities say DNA evidence linked Ryan Mueller, 30, of Sheboygan Falls to the crime that occurred Aug. 10. Authorities say the girl's mother was in another room with another child when she saw a light turn on in her two-year-old daughter's room. She walked into the girl's bedroom and saw a man shaking the piggy bank as the girl slept. The man fled before police arrived, stealing the money but leaving the piggy bank. Mueller was charged Thursday with felony burglary, which carries a penalty of up to nine 1/2 years in prison. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... nk_robbery
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Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture of yesterday's orchid:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Charlie Re: HP printer DearWebby, I have to ask you a question . Not asking for help . Backin 07 I purchased a printer from HP. After about 4 months I started haveing problems, I called but they were unable to fix it. Then at the latter part of o7 I called again and talked to two reps.betwen them both I was on the phone for about two hours, then one tried to fix it ...then the other.. So they both gave up and told me they were going to send me a new printer. First thingI thought of was cost , they assured me there would be no charge. Fine with me. Afew days late rI received the prnter. Only one problem they sent the wrong disc. My old printer was HPDeskjet D2300. and the disc was 840C.. So I called and got a rin around. But finally connected to a young lady who helped me out. She told me that I had the wrong disc, and asked if I had any others, I told her the only one I have would be for my old printer. So we instaled that plus she did other things I have never seen before. She told me to call the company and get the correct one. This I did,this has been going on for weeks. After I requested anouther disc. at my expensess. I received an email, which states ..I quote... "We do not send out discs with the printer." I told them that my first printer had a disc,and the second one had a disc, How can you sell a printer with out a disc. I told them that I would buy it but never heard from them. So if you were in my place with a new printer and no disc.. what would you do. I know this is a long letter but please reply..... Sincerely, Charlie. Dear Charlie That is normal for HP. If you live too far from an HP outlet to go over there with a baseball bat, you are better off to buy a Dell or Brother. Some of their printers work quite well for a while, but if you need any support, HP has a very bad reputation. Have FUN! DearWebby

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew: 'When standing on the bridge looking towards the bow, Port is Left, Starboard is Right.

Deeli's Kudos March 7, 2008 - Bordighera, Italy - Ananova A 101-year-old Italian man is to marry his 98-year-old girlfriend after a courtship of more than half a century. Retired doctor, Giuseppe Rebaudi, is to marry long time girlfriend Silvie Basain, who he started seeing in 1952, next month. French-born Silvie said: "We just need to get a certificate from the French embassy that I have not been married before and am single." She said her only worry was that they might be rushing things: "We have only been together for 50 years - that may be a bit quick but then again you are only young once." The ceremony will take place at their home in Bordighera, in the north-west of Italy. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2756804.html?menu=

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Answering Machine for New Baby Info Leave a message on your answering machine; giving the baby's name, weight, gender, and date and time of birth. Ask people to leave a message so you can call them back at a later date. That way you can rest and they can get the information they want about your new arrival. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy asked his mother, "Why don't you get call-waiting? Your phone is always busy, and I can't get through." She replied, "I DO have call-waiting. You call; if the line is busy; you wait!"

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Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ice Carvings
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Dear Webby: Caps Lock Alarm 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 12, 2008

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue. --- Greek Proverb "I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." --- John Mortimer
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam... A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely do have the Hinkley nose, but you'd look a lot better if you trimmed your beard the way your grandfather did!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to R.F. in Genoa, Italy To jail with Flower Power February 28, 2009 - Genoa, Italy - UPI Police in Genoa, Italy, say they have captured an apologetic robber who regularly presented his victims with red roses. Authorities said the robber, identified by his initials, R.F., told police leaving flowers after holding up shopkeepers with a toy gun was a means of making amends for his crimes, ANSA reported. Police said they were able to find the gift-giving thief by following the trail of roses he left in his wake. They said he was arrested in possession of two cellophane-wrapped roses they believe he was planning to present to two post-office cashiers he allegedly was preparing to rob. Investigators said R.F. also is suspected of emptying a bank safe inside a city hospital in 2007. They said all the money from the safe was taken and a bouquet of flowers was left in its place.
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Thanks to Joan for sending this picture: I have a friend RV'ing in Florida and he was 10 MILES AWAY from last nights shuttle launch. Joan

From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Caps Lock Alarm Dear Webby, You sure do get some nice pics. the one of the berries & birds today was sure pretty. Nice close-up. I read some where a while back on how to set a tone to let you know you've hit the caps/lock key but can't remember how to do it. I hit the key often by mistake. Can you tell me how to do it? Thanks for your help. By the way since I uninstalled both yahoo & google toolbars I have not been having the problem w/ internet explorer closing so often. Thanks for the tip. Sharon Dear Sharon Personally, whenever I get a new keyboard, I use a spoon and pry off the silly Caps Lock key, trim it's underneath side flush, fill it level with epoxy and take it with me on my next trip to Walmart or Staples. There I look for their big coin-op copier and glue the silly CAPS LOCK key on it. Occasionally I also glue hem onto people's fax machines. After that, it doesn't bother me ever again. You could even try it on the Microwave and say it's for Alphabet soup. If you prefer to have the silly CAPS LOCK to continue getting in the way AND compound the sillyness with an annoying beep, go to http://www.worldstart.com/tips/tips.php/102 for the instructions on how to arrange that. Have FUN! DearWebby

Groan Alert! A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

Deeli's Kudos DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye. Bob McNichol, 57, from County Mayo in the west of the country, lost his sight in a freak accident when red-hot liquid aluminium exploded at a re-cycling business in November 2005. McNichol heard about a miracle operation called Osteo-Odonto- Keratoprosthesis being performed by Dr Christopher Liu at the Sussex Eye Hospital in Brighton, England. The technique involves creating a support for an artificial cornea from the tooth and the surrounding bone. The procedure used on McNichol involved his son Robert, 23, donating a tooth, its root and part of the jaw. McNichol's right eye socket was rebuilt, part of the tooth inserted and a lens inserted in a hole drilled in the tooth. "Now I have enough sight for me to get around. I have come out from complete darkness to be able to do simple things," McNichol said. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/irelandbritainhealthoffbeat

A man's son was about four years old. The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day. The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised" -- but the answer was still "Yes."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing Soap Scum If you use liquid soap in your bath and shower instead of bar soap, you will not have as much soap scum. The paraffin in the solid soap helps cause the scum buildup Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Patterns in Nature (National Geographic)
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Dear Webby: Lightweight Cameras 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 11, 2008

Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory. ---Alan Alda
Thanks to Dave for this story: After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her an affectionate squeeze a bit farther up, which was answered by an appreciative giggle. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! Dave! I'm back here." Thanks to Ross for ths story: I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A** Holes!" Immediately the Venezuelan National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, Hillary on bagpipes and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Edward Unsell, 56, of Alton, Missouri Under the influence of texting ? March 10, 2008 - Alton, Missouri - UPI A Missouri lawyer who hit three mailboxes with his pickup truck says he was not drunk -- he was texting. Edward Unsell, 56, of Alton received misdemeanor charges of leaving the scene of a property damage accident, failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident and obstructing a police officer after hitting the three mailboxes and some shrubs while driving, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Wednesday. Unsell admitted to drinking beer earlier in the evening, but maintained he was not driving drunk. "There was no way I was drunk," he said. "They won't find a person who will say I was intoxicated." Rather, Unsell said the incident was the result of his attempt to send a text message to his wife while behind the wheel. "I took my eyes off the road," he said. He said he left the scene because his nose was bleeding and he feared police would take him to the hospital and tow his truck. Unsell phoned police after returning home, but refused to meet with a deputy because he felt he needed to lie down, he said.
Thanks to Helen for this picture of her tree and birds For the last several days the birds have been coming to eat the berries on the trees at my back yard fence. They must be tasty, because they let me get this photo without flying away. My cats enjoy the bird-watching! Helen
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Lightweight camera Dear Webby, Thank you so very much for your excellent computer advise everyday. I am up every morning at 5 A.M. & the first thing I read is your newsletter. I am trying to find a small lightweight digital camera that takes pictures as good as a cell phone. Thank you for all your help in the past. Nita Dear Nita I am not familiar with slimline cameras, but here are all the reviews: http://www.digitalcamerainfo.com/d/Digi ... eviews.htm Have FUN! DearWebby

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

Deeli's Kudos March 10, 2008 - London, UK - Daily Mail Britain's oldest employee has told how he single-handedly fought off a gang of muggers. Buster Martin, 100, a van cleaner for Pimlico Plumbers, was walking to a bus stop in south London when three youths pounced on him from behind. Despite their best efforts to subdue him, the Second World War veteran launched a counterattack and sent them running empty-handed. He said: "They obviously thought I would be an easy touch because I'm old. But they soon found out I'm still a good fighter. "I hit one in the groin and I kicked another one. The foot I used had been operated on a week before for an in-growing toenail. They must have done a good job on it because it worked bloody well." He reported for duty at Lambethbased Pimlico Plumbers' the next day but bosses refused to let him work. Managing director-Charlie Mullins said: "It's typical of Buster to carry on as usual. He couldn't see what all the fuss was about. But he needs to take it easy for the moment. The man who celebrates his 101st birthday in September said: "As long as I still wake up in the morning, I will continue to work." http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes sir," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Look For Phone Networks That Allow Free Calling Before purchasing or renewing your cell phone plans, ask around and find out what your friends and family are using. Some cell phone carriers allow you call people on their network for free, which can dramatically reduce the number of minutes you need each month. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls... then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What's in bloom
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Dear Webby: Some missing pictures in emails 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 10, 2008

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler
The high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat....." "I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave." "Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to French legislators Not allowed to die without a plot March 7, 2008 - Sarpourenx, France - News.com.au The mayor of a French village has issued a decree banning residents from dying in his territory unless they own a spot in the overcrowded cemetery. "It is forbidden for any person not having a plot in the cemetery ... to die on the territory of the village," the mayor of the southwestern village of Sarpourenx wrote in a decree that warned of "severe punishment" for offenders. Mayor Gerard Lalanne said he had taken the radical measure to protest against a state ruling preventing him from enlarging the burial ground in the village of 260 people. "The first dead person to come along, I'll send him to the state's representative," he said. Mr Lalane said he had been inspired by the mayor of another French village, Cugnaux, who had also outlawed death as a protest last year and who thus won the right to enlarge the village's cemetery. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23 ... 62,00.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Nun's Orchid
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: Some missing pictures Dear Webby, I just recently began to get e-mails that should have pictures, but instead the space where the pictures should be is blank with red x's. I can't open them. Can you help? Thanks, Tom Dear Tom If all your emails are missing pictures, then it is a setting in YOUR email program. If just emails from certain people have red x's, then those people need to be told to do things different. Have FUN! DearWebby

John's deer hunting diary: THE DEER HUNT 1:00am Alarm clock rings 2:00am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed 2:30am Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pick-up 3:00am Leave home for deep woods 3:15am Drive back home and pick up gun 3:30am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight 4:00am Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the damned tent 4:30am Head out into woods 6:05am See eight (8) deer 6:06am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07am "Click" 6:08am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 8:00am Head back to camp 9:00am Still looking for camp 10:00am Realize you don't know where the camp is -Noon- Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries 12:15pm Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back 12:20pm Strange feeling in stomach 12:30pm Realize you ate poison berries 12:45pm Rescued!! 12:55pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped 3:00pm Arrive back at camp 3:30pm Leave camp to kill deer 4:00pm Return to camp for bullets 4:01pm Load gun - leave camp again 5:00pm Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you 6:00pm Arrive at camp. See deer grazing in camp. 6:01pm Load Gun 6:02pm Fire gun 6:03pm One Dead Truck 6:05pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer! 6:06pm Suppress strong desire to shoot partner 6:07pm In doing so, stumble and fall into fire 6:10pm Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire 6:15pm Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods 6:25pm Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in radiator 6:26pm Start walking 6:30pm Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 6:35pm Meet great big Bear! 6:35pm Take aim 6:36pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:36pm Lose all control of bodily functions. 6:37pm Climb tree 9:00pm Bear departing, wraps gun around the tree 9:03pm Feeling relieved that bear is gone 9:04pm Start climbing down the tree 9:05pm Fall out of tree -Midnight- Home at last -Sunday- Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear instructions.

Deeli's Kudos March 5, 2008 - Tacoma, Washington - New York Times Annamarie Ausnes is known for holding up the line at her favorite Starbucks here for her “short drip, double-cupped” daily jolt. Over the years, Sandie Andersen, a friendly barista behind the counter has taken these morning moments to make conversation and to make friends. And then there was the small talk that day last fall. Turns out, Ms. Andersen had made Ms. Ausnes a special offer, off menu. “She reached over the counter and said, ‘I’m a blood match,’ ” Ms. Ausnes said last week, recalling the conversation. Ms. Andersen said, “We both stood there and bawled.” On March 11, the two women are scheduled to go into surgery at Virginia Mason Medical Center in Seattle. If all goes well, when they come out Ms. Ausnes, 55, who has polycystic kidney disease, will be the new owner of Ms. Andersen’s left kidney. Ms. Andersen, 51, has worked at Starbucks for more than four years. Ms Ausnes has been a customer for three years.

Thanks to Martha for this: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid when it comes to understanding women, but very few are blind.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Protecting Sheets of Stamps Keep stamps from sticking together by storing them in-between sheets of wax paper. Wax paper also works well for saving stickers, just put them on the shiny side of the wax paper. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sate the curious mind
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Dear Webby: Wireless Range Booster 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 9, 2008

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. --- Abraham Lincoln No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. --- Sir Frederick G. Banting
Barbie first made her appearance 45 years ago today. Since then she has become a billion-dollar industry with two Barbies estimated to be sold every second. ------------------------------- A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? He asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40." It was Joe the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When they had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jimmy Wales and Rachel Marsden Two Big Boneheaded Babies March 7, 2008 - New York - UPI The New York ex-girlfriend of Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales says that after insisting their relationship be secret he dumped her on the Web site. Rachel Marsden, who recently moved from Canada, decided to go public herself by selling some of her ex-beau's personal items on eBay. "Hi, my name is Rachel, and my (now ex-) boyfriend, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, just broke up with me via an announcement on Wikipedia." "It was such a classy move that I was inspired to do something equally classy myself, so I'm selling a couple of items of clothing he left behind, here in my NYC apartment, on eBay." Marsden told the Post that Wales was "paranoid" about their relationship and had threatened that she could be jailed or deported if she let anyone know personal details. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Verna Re: Boosting WiFi range Dear Webby Sitting in Mesa - piggy backying off someone's connection (linksys). Know we get "what we pay for", BUT is there any kind of booster or ??? that can be purchased to boost the "borrowed" signal? If so, what would you suggest? Using a Toshiba Satellite Pro P100 running XP. Thanks. Verna Dear Verna That depends a lot on what kind of piggybacking you do. If you are "war driving" and sneaking a connection wherever you find an unsecured network, there is nothing you can do except get closer. However, if the host knows about you and is cooperating, then you can buy him a range booster router or a range booster antenna, and yourself a range booster network card. Just the network card alone usually won't make any difference. Try http://dalco.com/SearchResults3.aspx You can call Dalco at 1-800-445-5342 and ask them which card would be best for your situation. Usually the LINKSYS WMP54GS card for the laptop and the LINKSYS WRT54GS booster router will get you about as much range as is possible under the local conditions. You could gamble with just a hawking antenna booster and enough coax cable to put the antenna on the outside of your RV, I can't guarantee you that the boost will be enough. Have FUN! DearWebby

From Bernie Dear Webby, you once had a very delightful joke about some cussing nuns. Can you bring it out again? Thanks Bernie Is this the one you meant? A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Summanabeech," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Summanabeech", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car floating a foot above the gound and in unison exclaimed, "Summanabeech!"

Deeli's Kudos March 7 2008 - Newquay, Cornwall, UK - BBC Dizzy the dog is doing her bit to help save the planet by recycling the rubbish in her owner's home. Beer cans, plastic bottles, cardboard and envelopes are carried to the family's recycling shed in the garden. Dizzy, the two-year-old mongrel, even collects plastic bottles on the beach near her home in Newquay, Cornwall, and takes them to the nearest bin. "You cannot drink a cola or beer from a can because she wants it," owner Emma Trebilcock said. "She also carries our recycling bags and even tries to carry bin liners, but they are a bit too large for her, so she ends up dragging them behind her. "Sometimes we have to check our recycling bins to make sure she has not taken unopened mail out," said 23-year-old Ms Trebilcock. Dutiful Dizzy has also become something of a "domestic dogess" by helping out with the family wash and carrying socks in. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/engl ... 255333.stm

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Jigsaw Puzzle Make your own jigsaw puzzle by gluing a photograph to a piece of 1/4 inch plywood. If you have a color ink jet printer, you can print the photo yourself. Then use a jigsaw to cut your puzzle pieces. Glue a copy of the same picture to the lid of a cigar box and wrap the box for a great gift. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the fourth-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day, students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Time Change 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 7, 2008

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
An Irishman walks into a bar in Seattle, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Seattle. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. My wife and me joined the baptists and I had to quit drinking. Doesn't affect my brothers, though." Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is..."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Seantor Gustavo Selva, Rome, Italy Bad Example March 7, 2008 - Rome, Italy - Reuters An Italian senator who used an ambulance to beat Rome traffic was given a six-month suspended jail sentence and fined 200 euros by a court. Gustavo Selva boasted publicly in June that he faked illness to get an ambulance to rush him to a television talk-show during US President George W Bush's visit, when tight security measures snarled traffic. He later praised the ambulance team for its "speed and efficiency". The stunt outraged Italians and health officials warned Selva could have jeopardized the life of anyone who actually needed an ambulance. Rome Judge Maria Giulia De Marco ruled that Selva was guilty of aggravated fraud and interruption of public service. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/w ... a4560.html
Thanks to Dad for this picture: No global warming in Europe either. Some students who could not participate in their class ski course because of recent injuries, built a snow church to celebrate the extra long winter.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: Time Change Dear Webby......since the change in daylight savings time, computer clocks are not set to change at the new early time, nor in the fall. Is there any quick fix or a patch for this, or does one just set in manually. Hubcap Hi Hubcap The computer's clock just counts the seconds since Jan 1 /1980. Windows and other Operating Systems interpret that into a human readable date. This year, at 2 am on Sunday, March 9 in North America and at 1 am on Sunday, March 30 in Europe the clock display on your computer will jump ahead an hour, except in Arizona, Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, the Commonwealth of Northern Mariana Islands. The Navajo Nation participates in the Daylight Saving Time policy, even in Arizona, due to its large size and location in three states. If you have your time zone set correctly, and if your Operating System has been updated since February last year, your time will change when it is supposed to. If your computer clock is off by a few minutes, then your fire-wall is preventing your computer from synchronizing with the atomic clocks. Just turn your fire-wall off temporarily, double-click on the time display and click on Internet time. It will take a few seconds to update the hardware clock in your computer. Then you can turn the fire-wall on again. Have FUN! DearWebby

At a paternity trial, Linda's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."

Deeli's Kudos March 7, 2008 - Kogalym, Russia - Ananova A 100-year-old Russian woman, who took up hunting because she was bored, has been declared the best hunter in her area. And the only other person able to keep up with Maria Pokacheva, 100, is another granny aged 90. Pokacheva has shot 65 squirrels, rabbits and other furry mammals, and her pal Anna Vandymovu, 90, has managed 58. Both women are being hailed by local politicians from their hometown Kogalym as highly regarded as an example to the young. "They are true free spirits and we are very happy to count them as among our own," a spokesman for the mayor Sergei Kakotkin says. The women have been invited to a special ceremony by local MPs where they will be awarded for their hunting achievements. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2755245.html?menu=

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public- address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Checkers Use plastic milk bottle caps for checkers. Save 12 checkers of two different colors or color the top of half the caps with permanent marker. Then make a game board using a square piece of card board. Use a ruler to measure and draw 8x8 alternating squares with a marker, the same as a chess board. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Fancy slide show 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 7, 2008
Today is Friday! Wear something red to show your support for the troops

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. --- Pablo Picasso Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --- Charles M. Schulz
Thanks to Martin for this story: Ma's Gonna Be Mad! Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner. "Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny. "Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. "Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. Thanks to Doc for this story: At a veterans' meeting in Washington, D.C., a man approached me and asked, "Do you recognize me?" "Sure," I answered unconvincingly. "What did I do in the Army?" he challenged. With surprising presence of mind, I replied, "You did absolutely nothing." Astonished, he said, "You do remember me!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Catherine Aliaga, 38; and Tarsha Williams, 33 from Natick, Massachusetts Bad Examples March 4, 2008 - Natick, Massachusetts - UPI Two Boston-area mothers face assault and battery charges after fighting at a Chuck E. Cheese when one woman's son spent too much time on a game, police said. Catherine Aliaga, 38; and Tarsha Williams, 33, began shouting and fighting during a birthday celebration for Aliaga's son during the weekend. "Unfortunately, a birthday night out turned into a birthday melee," police Sgt. Paul Thompson said. "I don't even know if they finished their pizza." Aliaga was reportedly upset about Williams' 13-year-old son playing a basketball arcade game at the Natick, Mass., Chuck E. Cheese for a long time. Aliaga told her son to be patient while the other boy had his turn with the game. Williams' son apparently pushed the boy, who accused him of "hogging" the game. "Next thing you know words were exchanged," Thompson said and escalated to fisticuffs. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-312326-309447
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joy Re: Making fancy PowerPoint shows Dear Webby, After reading today's note from you about power point, it reminded me of an email I received last year with the attached power point program. Could you tell me how they were able to have the the colors re-appear on the pictures and also the pictures with filter effects go back to looking normal? I loved the transitions, but have never seen them in power point. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! Joy Dear Joy Java applets have been doing that for a dozen years, and Open Office Impress for a few years. With Impress you can use any Java or Flash applets for the transitions. Just make some basic slide shows and then enhance them. The newest PowerPoint apparently is offering those features too. Have FUN! DearWebby

On wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - London, UK - UPI A Lizard Point, England, man said he turned about 110 pounds of cocaine over to police after he found it washed up on a tourist beach. Frank Partridge, 57, said he discovered the drugs while walking his two dogs at Pentreath cove, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "I thought if I didn't take it, someone who might not go to the police would; so I dragged it home, taking it in stages, and then using a wheelbarrow," Partridge said. "It was a bit too big for a doorstop. But I'm very anti-drugs, having five daughters, so I phoned the police straight away," he said. "Luckily I'm one of the good guys, but you wonder how many of these packages might have turned up and not been reported." Partridge's discovery followed a similar find by dolphin researchers near Kynance Cove earlier in February. Researcher James Saulino, who made the discovery, said "Columbia" was printed on the inside of one of the packages. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer (who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand). "Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of March." She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply: "With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of March."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Slicing Round Food To prevent an onion, bagel, or anything round from rolling while you slice it, cut a small slice from an edge and use that as a base. Then it it will not roll as easily and is much safer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while John was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own." The waitress pulls the menu from the man's hand and says "I'll be right back with the children's menu."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: SuperCook, the Intelligent recipe finder
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Dear Webby: How to save single Power Point pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 6, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday!

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. --- Albert Einstein When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. Thanks to Darlene for this story: A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks," What's your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that. The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Felipe M. Medina, 18, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin Too dumb to be out and about February 22, Sheboygan. Wisconsin - AP He must have really liked the jacket. An 18-year-old man has been charged with stealing clothing from a department store after police said he showed up for questioning wearing a jacket taken months earlier. Felipe M. Medina, of Sheboygan, was charged Thursday with a misdemeanor count of retail theft. The criminal complaint said Medina took a pair of blue jeans, a black T-shirt and a black jacket from a Kohl's store on Nov. 27 in Sheboygan. Police Capt. James Veeser identified Medina as the suspect after viewing the store surveillance tape. A detective asked Medina to come to the police station Wednesday. He admitted in a police interview that he took the clothes and was currently wearing the stolen jacket, the complaint said. He faces up to nine months in jail if convicted. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/ ... 7663.shtml
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Tired of Global Warming promises and winter lasting longer than normal
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jeannie Re: Saving PowerPoint pictures Dear Webby, Several times over the past few months I’ve been sent some amazing power point presentations. Many of the pictures are just breath taking and I’d like to save a few of them. How do I do it? I would ask the people that sent them to me for copies of the photos but have already discovered that they have no clue about the photos as they have just forwarded on what was forwarded to them. Any advice or help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Jeannie Dear Jeannie Just get OpenOffice. It is free. It has a PowerPoint viewer in it that shows you the thumbnails on the side, and the big pictures in the center. Or you can hit F5 and enjoy the show running on it's own. You can save the individual pictures, and even edit captions and make your own slide show. When you are ready to download Open Office, just go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools I got a big link button to it there. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Cookie for this report: A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just ......?" "Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask." said the clerk with new interest. "just what do you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, [what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (my children). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. So... this must make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Middletown, Ohio - AP Birthday candles may be in short supply in Middletown, where two unrelated women have turned 104 just three days apart. Marjorie Hunt celebrated her big birthday Monday in the southwest Ohio city, at the retirement community where she lives. At another, Hazel Carter marked her 104th birthday on Thursday. Carter once taught in a one-room schoolhouse, served in the Army during World War II and worked as an executive secretary for more than 40 years before retiring way back when she was 65. Hunt is a reverse snowbird. She had lived in Florida for 30 years before coming back to Ohio. http://www.happynews.com/news/332008/oh ... -apart.htm

Thanks to Sandie for this story: I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Zippers on Sofa Cushions Don't assume that the zipper on a sofa cushion covers is so you can remove it and toss it in the washing machine. Look for a tag on the cushion for cleaning instructions. Most cushion covers will shrink if you launder them like you would sheets or clothing, leaving them unusable. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A friend went to her doctor the other day and the man was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just have to learn to live it," he said. When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"

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Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Beautiful America
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Dear Webby: Bounce generated spam 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 5, 2008

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ---Douglas Casey
John was drunk when he got to Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the drunk asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." John headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the drunk man started shouting, "Don't flush, PLEASE, don't flush!" The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 24 year old phony in Chicago, Ill Cried wolf in the wrong town March 4, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Chicago police say a man reporting his car stolen falsely claimed that his young son had been in the vehicle at the time. Police told the Chicago Tribune that the 2-year-old boy was located safe at a home on the South Side and called off the manhunt for the missing family car. The boy's father reported his car had been taken from a gas station Monday night with the boy inside. The vehicle was found abandoned. Officer Amina Greer said the child is fine but his 24 year old father faces charges of filing a false police report. The suspect who stole the vehicle remains at large. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-312360-772370
Thanks to Trish for this picture of her back yard:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Spamcops not reporting Dear Webby, I keep getting this spam from this place and I keep reporting it to Spamcop but when I do, it turns out that it was bouncing and they don't report it to the spammers anymore. any ideas on what to do next? -- Eric Dear Eric That's not really enough info to jump to any confusion. If the web host of the spammer IS the spammer, and is in Russia or Asia, there is not much you can do about it except block them. Sometimes that type of spam is generated by the virus infected machine of the bozo next door, with your address forged as the sending address and then bounced off a non- existing address to you, since your address is forged in as the purported sender. With MailWasher you can detect that kind of spam and trash it automatically, unseen. Have FUN! DearWebby

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Wichita, Kansas - UPI Police in Wichita, Kan., said a local man sealed up a crawlspace under a rental home while a suspected thief was inside taking copper pipes. The police said the man, described as a pastor, heard a noise coming from under the house and phoned police after sealing a 48-year-old man inside the crawlspace, the Wichita Eagle reported Wednesday. Capt. Darrell Haynes said the suspect, a prisoner out on work release, was taken to the Sedgwick County Jail. Haynes said officers noticed several copper pipes had been cut from inside the crawlspace.

Thanks to Millie for this story: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name!!! Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago!! Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes!" he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1944." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Surge Protector or Just a Power Strip It's a good idea to plug your computer into a power strip that has a surge protector in it. Not all power strips have this feature. If your power strip doesn't state that it has a surge protector it probably does not and you should upgrade to help protect your expensive electronics. If you believe in election promises and advertising, that is good advice. Just because a power bar claims to have a surge protector, that does not mean it has an effective surge protector. A light-weight no-name brand power bar for $2.95 - $19.95 just has a token suppressor chip that may suicide from the surge caused by turning a big monitor on. It will just be a handy power bar from then on, without telling you that it no longer even detects surges. In the class between $19.95 and $49.95 they indicate with a flickering light that they are just a dumb power bar now. In the heavier, above $50 class there are heavy coils and capacitors, and often even a battery that will smooth over short outages and flickers. Without getting into technical details, usually the heavier a power bar is, the more likely it has effective surge protection. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into an old blouse and sweats and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she wrapped a towel around her head and, with cold creme on her face, stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say, with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT monfter?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beautiful PLanet: Earth
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Dear Webby: Setting up multiple users in Windows 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 4, 2008

Life is a sexually transmitted disease. --- R. D. Laing The gods too are fond of a joke. --- Aristotle
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor." He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than three years!" The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church." What Is Easter? Three cheerleaders died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first cheerleader replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St.Peter. Then he turns to the second cheerleader, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second cheerleader replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second cheerleader, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third cheerleader and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third cheerleader smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third cheerleader continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to J.P. MorganChase and of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington Too easy check cashing March 3, 2008 - Indianapolis, Indiana - UPI Indiana's state attorney general is suing a California woman who allegedly wrote her name on her employer's $1.26 million tax refund check. Attorney General Steve Carter alleges in the lawsuit filed in federal court that Lucia Abrantes illegally put her name on the refund check Indiana issued to Verizon Capital Corp. Carter claims Abrantes, who is described in the suit as a "rogue employee" of Verizon, deposited the money in her bank account and had it sent overseas. The banks that processed the check, J.P. MorganChase of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington, were also named as defendants in the suit, which says the institutions should not have processed the altered check. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to all who sent this picture of a classic Redneck Mansion:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Setting up multiple users in Windows Dear Webby, Can you tell me how to secure my computer so that if there is more than one user each user has to sign in with a password? I am using Windows XP. Thanks. Ann Dear Ann In order to set up a new user account, log in using your administrator account. (If there are no other accounts currently on your machine, then you ARE the administrator) Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Windows invites you to choose a task. Among the choices are Changing Accounts, Adding New Accounts, and Changing Logon/Log Off Options. Click Create A New Account Step 1 in the wizard dialog box that appears is to name the account. Enter the name you would like to appear for the users. Click the Next button. Choose the type of account, limited or administrator. (Users that have administrator access can make any changes they wish to the computer, those users with limited access however can not.) Finally, click Create Account In order to add passwords to new or existing accounts, follow these directions: Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Click one of the accounts at the bottom of the window. Click Create A Password link and type in the desired password. Follow the instructions to restrict access to your folders and then you are done. To switch between the different users on the machine: Click Start Click Log Off Select Switch Users to change between the different users. Have FUN! DearWebby

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - UPI A British Columbia woman who accused the staff at a Vancouver restaurant of being racist has been ordered to pay the eatery $1,500, Canadian media said Monday. Muneinazvo Tima filed a grievance with the BC Human Rights Tribunal claiming an alleged racial incident in 2006 at the restaurant caused her to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, causing her walk in her sleep and do badly in classes at the University of British Columbia, the Vancouver Sun reported. She testified she and a black male companion were forced to wait for a table for 45 minutes, then 20 more for a server, and then 45 minutes more for their meal. The tribunal heard restaurant staff had asked the couple to leave, as her friend had "acted inappropriately" by slapping a staff member's buttocks, the report said. The tribunal ruled Tima's "complaint is not justified," and ordered her to pay $1,500 in legal costs to the restaurant, the report said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bath Bib for Bathing Babies Keep yourself dry while giving your baby a bath by creating a large bib from a towel. Just fasten one end of the towel around your neck using a large safety pin and let the rest drape in front of you. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Corrected now, without the trailing / Polar bears
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Dear Webby, What are the advantages of PayPal? 




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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 3, 2008

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. — Napoleon Hill
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she said. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Deborah Reid, 42, in Muirhouse, Scotland Poor table manners! February 29, 2008 - Edinburgh, Scotland - UPI A Muirhouse, Scotland, woman has pleaded guilty to stabbing her husband when he attempted to calm a dispute between her and her daughter over the TV. Deborah Reid, 42, pleaded guilty Tuesday to culpably and recklessly brandishing a knife after she stabbed her husband, Thomas Reid, in the right shoulder with a kitchen knife in July while he was attempting to calm a heated argument between his wife and 18-year-old stepdaughter over what they should watch on TV, the Edinburgh Evening News reported Tuesday. Prosecutor Siobhan Monks said Reid dropped the knife after the stabbing and fled from the house while her family locked the door behind her and phoned authorities. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Sue for this picture of her spring garden in Wales:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: What is the advantage of PayPal Dear Webby, What is the advantage of having Pay Pal and how do I get it if I were interested Please help!! Thank you, Robert. Dear Robert PayPal is like a 2-way debit card. You can receive money just as easily as spending money. For example, if you find that you have more stuff to get rid off from the spring cleaning than you have garbage bag allowance, you sell some of the stuff on eBay. Somebody is bound to want that stuff. They pay you via PayPal and stock up your PayPal account. When you buy something over the net, for example web hosting, you use your PayPal account to pay for it. If you buy something major, you can stock your account by dragging funds from your bank account onto it. The same also works when you have too much in the PayPal account and not enough in your checking account. You simply drag some money from PayPal to your bank account. You can view and print your PayPal account any time you want, without statement fees like your bank charges. It works quite well and I have never had a problem with PayPal. 95% of Webby clients pay with PayPal and appreciate the convenience. To get an account, just go to http://paypal.com Have FUN! DearWebby

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand." Anni Said, "But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. "Actually no," Anni replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

Deeli's Kudos March 2, 2008 - New York - UPI Two childhood friends are celebrating their successful kidney donation and transplant in New York after being reconnected by a random online link. While Karl Celestin and Ricardo Manier were good friends as children, it wasn't until Celestin's name appeared on Manier's Facebook account that the two reconnected. The New York Daily News said when Celestin learned Manier needed a kidney, the old friend offered him one of his own. Manier lost his own kidney to a rare disease but now, thanks to his childhood friend, he has a new lease on life. "It was a lifeline for me," Manier said following the pair's successful operations. "I was really sick, my body was shutting down. Eventually I would have fallen asleep and never woken up. "He gave me something that's better than anything." Doctors told the Daily News both surgeries went well and both men are expected to recover and enjoy their renewed friendship. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-311279-765490

One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day. On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs. There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot. On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?" "Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going one way, just think of our condition! We have to go all the way back!".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sanding in Hard to Reach Places An emery board or a small nail file works well for sanding tough to reach places on furniture. You can make something similar to an emery board by gluing sanding paper to a tongue depressor. You can make custom files by dipping Q-tips in carpenter's glue, and rolling them in white Quartz sand or valve grinding powder. Before the glue hardens completely, squish the tip into a pie shape with one sharp edge and the rest rounded. For longer detail files you can scratch up the end of a brass brazing rod or concrete from wire (stiff and springy galvanized wire about 1/8 " thick), and glue cotton to it first, then the abrasive an hour later. You can also pound the ends of a piece of form wire into a micro-chisel on one end and a hoe type scraper at the other end to have a very versatile tool for removing paint or glue traces from narrow spots. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Reb's wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers." A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" "Maybe, Ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Polar bears
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internet TV software 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 2, 2008

All who have achieved great things have been great dreamers. ---Orison Swett Marden The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --- Joe Ancis
Thanks to Irene for this story: Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies." Thanks to Ginny for this story: My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photograph on the mantle piece?" I told her, "To keep the kids away from the fire."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mthandani Nqetho in Durban, South Africa Not a movie stuntman either January 31, 2008 - Durban, South Africa - UPI Police in South Africa said a suspected thief spent hours clinging to a rail after he impaled both his feet on a fence during an attempted getaway. Authorities said Mthandani Nqetho impaled his feet on the fence's steel spikes while fleeing from guards in the city of Durban Friday night and he was not found until churchgoers spotted him the next morning. Nqetho was able to free one of his feet on his own, but the other remained impaled until the following morning, when bystanders phoned rescue services. Captain Greg Bevan said the suspect's wrists were swollen from hanging onto the rail for several hours. Police spokesman Michael Reed said Nqetho has been charged with robbery and is being guarded at the hospital. He said Nqetho will go before a magistrate as soon as he is healthy enough to walk which police estimated at about a week. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-295366-890974
Thanks to my Kate for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kate Re: Internet TV software Dear Webby, I just found this advert about internet tv and I know that your the most savvy on net fraud that I know so I wanted your opinion. to me it already looks too good to be true.... so... :) Kate Dear Kate There is no way that I can check out all 15,000 different PC-TV programs out there. Most of them cost between $29 and $99, and they all require you to buy RealPlayer. They all got the same free stations. Whenever one adds a new station, the other ones will have it too within a day or so. As a rule of thumb, if they accept PayPal, they are legit. PayPal would axe them instantly if they were not legit. Have FUN! DearWebby

Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense.

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Somerset, UK - Daily Telegraph A mother who fell into a coma after losing her baby son during a difficult labour came back from the brink of death after her husband gave her "a bloody good yelling at". Yvonne Sullivan, 28, lost consciousness suffering from severe blood poisoning moments after being told that baby Clinton had died. Her husband Dominic, 37, kept a round-the-clock vigil at her bedside for two weeks as she lay in intensive care. But when doctors told him they would have to switch off her life support machine, Mr Sullivan took drastic action - by giving his wife a firm telling-off. He held his wife's hand and demanded: "You start fighting. Don't you dare give up on me now. I've had enough, stop mucking around and start breathing. Come back to me." Two hours later she started to breathe steadily again. Within five days, doctors were able to switch off her ventilator, and she regained consciousness to see her husband standing beside her. She even remembers hearing her husband yelling at her as she lay in a coma and says it gave her the strength to pull through. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jh ... oma123.xml

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vegetable Oil on Your Snow Shovel Coat your snow shovel with some vegetable oil to keep snow from sticking to it. Use the cheapest cooking oil you have on hand. Make sure you carefully wash off that oil before the dusty season! Unlike dry Moly lube or spray-on Ski wax, cooking oil attracts and binds dust into a rough crust that will make your life miserable next year. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but....this seems to require further study."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Encyclopedia of Life
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Dear Webby: Patch for MS-Office 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 1, 2008

Live out of your imagination, not your history. --- Stephen Covey
Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends'. They do it differently in Scottland! Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his wife. Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that. His reply was, "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I want to buy bullets for."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Eric Holmes of Chicago Not a movie stuntman February 27, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Chicago police are holding a suspect in the death of a man who climbed onto the roof of his van after it was stolen by a carjacker. Eric Holmes, 23, was killed when the carjacker tried to shake him off by driving the vehicle into a concrete barrier on Chicago's Dan Ryan Expressway, The Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday. Police say Holmes was stopped at a gas station Tuesday night when a man jumped into his van and drove off. Holmes grabbed the vehicle's luggage rack and pulled himself onto the roof as the van entered the expressway and headed north. A witness said Holmes was trying to enter the vehicle through the passenger door when the driver rammed into the concrete barrier http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-309576-685551 -------------------------- He would have been quite safe hanging on to the ladder in the back and motioning drivers from other cars to call 911.
Thanks to my dad for this picture: A dark rainy day made it possible to take a picture of the Snake Cactus with the sky in the background. It looks much better in sunshine, of course, but my camera can't handle that. With a bright sky behind it, the colors turn out almost black. Papa
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: MS Office patch Dear Webby, > Word can't open Open Office documents, it is way too primitive for that. Yes it can. The good folks at Sun Microsystems realised that Open Office would never get off the ground if MS Office couldn't read (and save) their documents, so they released a free plugin for MS Office that allows it to do just that. The Sun ODF Patch for Microsoft Office gives users of Microsoft Office Word, Excel and PowerPoint the ability to read, edit and save to the ISO-standard Open Document Format (ODF). The plugin works with Microsoft Office 2007 (Service Pack 1 or higher), Microsoft Office 2003, XP and Microsoft Office 2000. The plugin is based on StarOffice technology and is easy to setup and use, the conversion happens transparently and the additional memory footprint is minimal. MS Office Patch Cheers Gary Dear Gary OK, I'll keep it in mind that SUN has a secret patch for MS Office. I don't really need it myself, since Open Office allows me to save documents in the old prprietory Microsoft format for those who have not upgraded yet. Have FUN! DearWebby

Grammer Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Little Johnny: "Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and the preacher ran off to a mission in Africa."

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to the camera person ... February 22, 2008 - Belgrade, Serbia - Reuters BELGRADE, Serbia - A video of two young women looting with gay abandon during rioting in the Serbian capital Belgrade was becoming a Balkan smash hit on the video-sharing Web site YouTube Friday. Police arrested some looters, but public humiliation by YouTube may prove a far more painful punishment for the pair, whose spree Thursday night was also aired on local television stations and was being discussed across the Internet. A persistent amateur cameraman followed the women as they loaded up with chocolates at a corner shop, came out giggling, then went after designer bags, shoes and clothes at Belgrade's swankiest stores in its vandalized main shopping street. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23300651/

Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one lunch check, Chaos is four women plus one bargain.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Aphid Repellent Plants You can help prevent aphid infestations on your vegetables by planting them with plants that repel aphids. Some examples are anise, chives, coriander, garlic, onions, petunias and radish. Another trick is lay some aluminum foil around the base of a plant, the reflection will help deter the aphids. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new librarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and, with a look of utter disgust on his face, handed them to the librarian. Before the librarian could even start her speech, the boy said, disdainfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Optical Illusions
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Dear Webby: MS Office versus Open Office 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 29, 2008
Wear something red to show your support the troops!

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --- Ronald Reagan
Thanks to Doc for this classic: Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." Anni wanted a divorce from Sam. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?" "Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot." "That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?" "Prove it? Why everybody knows it." "If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." Sam shouted out, "She did too!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shlomo Benizri, Israel East wing of the Westboro Perverts? February 24, 2008 - Israel - Ananova An Israeli MP has blamed a spate of earthquakes in the Middle East on gays. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party, said the tremors could be stopped by repealing liberal laws on homosexuality. Six earthquakes have struck Israel and neighbouring Lebanon and Jordan in recent months, with two coming last week alone. Israel decriminalised homosexuality in 1988 and has since recognised same-sex marriages. To the outrage of the religious Right, it last week enabled same-sex couples to adopt children. Mr Benizri believes it's no coincidence that the first of the recent quakes hit the country just two days later. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2737998.html?menu=
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Glen Re: OpenOffice compatibility Dear Webby, Actually, at the College where I teach (as Adjunct), Microsoft supplies the campus staff with free software and the campus then promotes the Microsoft products as the required product to use. This is something I encountered when teaching Web Design I, where I was required to teach and students were required to learn Web Design using FrontPage. The college has a course "Basic Computer Literacy" that should be renamed "Introduction to Microsoft Office". Glen Dear Glen Yes, it's the same story as when Apple was doing that 20 years ago, and kids entered the workforce without a clue about operating "real" computers. They were laughed out of the office, just like anybody who mentions FrontPage today. I hope you warn your students about that, and tell them to NEVER mention FrontPage in a job interview. It's much easier to train somebody Industry Standard methods from scratch. Also remind them that they can use Open Office and save most of their work in Microsoft format. Not FrontPage, though. That is a bit too weird and too far off standard. But they can save word processing files as MS WORD docs and spreadsheet files as MS Excel xls files. Have FUN! DearWebby

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.'' "What about the bucket of sand?'' "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Haines, Alaska - UPI A group of six men in Haines, Alaska, said they roped and rescued a pregnant moose that had fallen into a hole in the ice covering the Chilkat River. Charlie DeWitt, who led the rescue operation, said the animal was attempting to smash its way out of the ice hole, but to no avail. "(The Department of Fish and Game) didn't know what to do. I decided to take the bull by the horns. It was right out there in the middle of God and everybody," said DeWitt. Bud Stewart, who supplied the rope, said he was able to calm the moose down and she allowed him to pet her snout and eventually slip the rope around her neck. The rope kept the moose afloat while the rescuers tied another rope to the animal's rear end. DeWitt said the moose wandered off after taking a short rest following her rescue. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saucer Decoupage Picture Frame If you any have saucers without a cup, you can cut a family picture to fit in the center of the saucer. Glue the picture to the saucer and decorate around the picture. Let it dry and then give it a coating of decoupage. Let that dry and apply a second coating. Cheap spar varnish, the type of varnish that is mopped onto hardwood decks of boats, will work fine too. It is not quite as clear as expensive decoupage, but extremely durable. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock foot- ball game."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wheat Weaving
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Dear Webby: Open Office compatibility 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 28, 2008

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. --- Albert Schweitzer
A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem." "I don't have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?" "For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz." Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 16 year old bank robber in Toronto, Canada Tackled February 27, 2008 - Toronto, Canada - UPI A 16-year-old Toronto youth who held up a bank Tuesday morning got a major surprise when he walked into a wall of police waiting for him, local media said. A silent alarm summoned police to the CIBC bank branch around 10:15 a.m. when the youth reportedly entered an office out of sight of customers and indicated he had a gun, the Toronto Star reported. He demanded an undisclosed large amount of cash and bank employees spent the next 55 minutes assuring him it was being collected, police said. None of the customers in the bank were aware of what was happening, although outside, an Emergency Task Force team of 20 officers, the K9 unit and an armored vehicle were assembling, the report said. When the teenager walked out of the bank, he was tackled and arrested on charges of robbery and forcible confinement, although no weapon was found, police said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-309106-742075
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Panama Flower Market
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donnie Re: OpenOffice compatibility Dear Webby, I suggested Open Office to a friend's son who is a college student on a snug budget. His on-line assignments require WORD. Will Word open an Open Office document? I tried a sample document on my computer, but was not successful. Is there any trick that will work easily? Thanks once again for all of your help. Donnie Dear Donnie Yes, I realize that some colleges accept bribes from Microsoft dealers for insisting that only Microsoft products be allowed. Word can't open Open Office documents, it is way too primitive for that. However, Open Office can save documents as Word Documents. Open office is OPEN. It works on UNIX, Linux, Windows and Mac, and it can save documents and spreadsheets in just about any format. That's why it is called OPEN, and why the business world is switching to it. Kids limited to WORD will soon have a hard time competing with those who are comfortable with OPEN. The more progressive colleges have already realized that and switched to OPEN Office. Just tell him to save the documents in Word format, so that the backward teacher can read it. Have FUN! DearWebby

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's butt." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Atlanta, Georgia - UPI A downtown Atlanta bar owner has constructed a remote- controlled robot to patrol the neighborhood around his business late at night. Rufus Terrill built the machine out of an old meat smoker, a three-wheeled scooter, an infrared camera, a water cannon and a loudspeaker. Terrill said he got the idea for the remote-controlled vigilante after he became fed up with the drug dealers, thieves and vandals that frequent his neighborhood. He sends his robot to patrol the area surrounding a nearby daycare center, and uses the attached loudspeaker to address loiterers. "I tell them they are trespassing, it's private property, and they have to leave," he said. "They throw bottles and cans at it. That's when I shoot the water cannon. They just scatter like roaches." He said the water cannon is set to low pressure so as not to cause injury to those in its path.

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... but sometimes I just go plain wild and crazy!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying a Mattress When buying a mattress, make sure to lay down on it. If two people are sleeping on it, both should try it out. Just sitting on a mattress won't tell you what it's like to sleep on it. Take it for a test drive in the store. Try several models so you know you are getting the best deal. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For non-cowboy types..the container for this 'snuff' is a 3" diameter, 3/4 inch thick round can, and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket) Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Western Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well, come on, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wheat Weaving
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Dear Webby: Restoring Firewall 




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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 27, 2008

Man is a magnet, and every line and dot and detail of his experiences come by his own attraction." — Elizabeth Towne
As a school principal in rural NC, I have heard nearly every excuse for a student’s being late for school, but Arnold’s topped them all. He came into my office looking somewhat tired and bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour tardiness. “Our chickens have been disappearing.” He said. “And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But nothing happened for several nights. Then last night about 3 o’clock, Pa got me and Ol’ Blue and his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with him to the chicken house to see what was going on.” He went on. “Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and as he bent over to go into the chicken house Ol’ Blue cold-nosed Pa where he didn’t expect it. Both barrels went off. Ever since then we’ve been up a-cleanin’ and a-pickin’ more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 3 miles to school. As I handed him his “Excused” slip, he muttered, “I sure hope we don’t have no chicken for lunch this week.” Thanks to Cindy for this report: Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Anthony Ricca, 37 from Boca Raton, Florida Stolen lego Peddlar February 26, 2008 - Boca Raton, Florida - UPI The Palm Beach County, Fla., Sheriff's Office alleges Anthony Ricca, 37, was videotaped shoplifting Lego Star Wars toys from a Target store Wednesday. Target Loss Prevention Manager told deputies a security camera recorded Ricca purchasing some of the toys, taking them out to his car and then returning to the store and taking more of the toys to his car without paying for them. An analysis of security recordings at the store and other locations in the county turned up footage of Ricca shoplifting during at least 12 separate incidents. Ricca has netted at least $42,000 from selling Lego products on eBay, authorities said. He has been charged with grand theft over $10,000, organizing a scheme to defraud, and dealing in stolen property totaling over $5,000 by use of the Internet.
Thanks to Verna for sending this picture: Unsaddling after checking the bulls.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: restore Firewall Hey Mr Webby; I have a question for you in regards to CA! When you disabled the firewall, does it enable when you shut down and restart automatically? Eddie Dear Eddie I have never used CA!, but I would imagine that they are similar to other firewalls, and that they too give you an option to automatically turn it back on in a few minutes, and in how many minutes. Have FUN! DearWebby

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house. Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a mop to get her to come out! She bit and scratched, but I finally did manage to turf her out into the back yard." The cabbie laughed so hard, he hit a parked car.

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to Robert McFarlane of Telus Corporation February 26, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - UPI The Oscars awards gala in Hollywood created a headache for an organ donor agency in British Columbia, Canada, because all charter jets were booked. Bill Barrable, executive director of BC Transplant, told the Globe and Mail a man in a rural part of the province died suddenly Thursday and had an unusually high number of viable organs, including both lungs and kidneys, heart, liver and pancreas. However, after contacting all 11 jet-for-hire companies he has used in the past to get the organ-recovery surgeons to the site and back, he learned all the aircraft were Hollywood-bound, the report said. Last year, the agency booked 23 $15,000 flights on recovery missions and Barrable said he decided to call an old university friend for help -- Robert McFarlane, chief financial officer and vice president of Telus Corp. Within an hour, the company had one of its private jets in the air at no charge and the organs were harvested and returned to Vancouver, Barrable said. Seven people received organ transplants. "It was a race against time," he said. "But talk about a happy ending." Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without long hair."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Car Light And Maintained For Better Mileage You don't need to carry snow chains around with you in the summertime, just the winter. Also, check your tire pressure. Over-inflated tires can actually reduce your fuel efficiency, so don't overfill. Keep your car tuned up. Cars in poor running condition use more gasoline. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Sign Museum
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Dear Webby, how do I get rid of a hijacker? 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 26, 2008

Nothing is an obstacle unless you say it is. --- Wally Amos
A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!" The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents." "Keli is a liar and a cheat ," said Greg to Paul seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" Paul asked. "Keli didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Di Ann." Greg replied. "So?" Paul queried "So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her sister."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Orlando Utilities Commission Too incompetent to be honest? February 25, 2008 - Orlando, Florida - UPI A Florida man said getting his money back proved difficult after he accidentally paid the Orlando Utilities Commission $11,384 instead of the $113.84 he owed. Larry VanFleet said a misplaced decimal point on the check he sent to the commission resulted in his bank account being cleared out. VanFleet said he spent two weeks trying to get his money back from the company, but all he was offered was an $11,000 account "credit". "I don't want an $11,000 credit to pay my bill for seven years," VanFleet said. "I mean, come on." He said his complaints went unaddressed until he contacted the WKMG-TV Problem Solvers, who in turn put in a call to OUC. VanFleet credited the Problem Solvers with convincing the company to return his money.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: William Re: Page Hijacker Dear Webby, I have problem with an exe file. When I attempt to go to a website off of Google , it directs me to a porn site. How do I rid myself of this executable? I've tried to remove it but it says that it is in use. Thanks William Dear William Your machine is infected with malware, a hijacker. Possibly you agreed to it in the small print of something you installed. Once you have agreed to it, as a form of payment for something you received. Spybot is not legally allowed to remove it. The courts consider it a negotiated and agreed form of payment, owed to the company from whom you got something or other. There are probably some guerilla methods for getting rid of that page hijacker, but without knowing the name of it, it is impossible to guess which one you sold out to. There are way too many page hijackers floating around. The most respected help is at the HijackThis! forums. Lurk at that forum and observe their customs and manners. Search for previous instances of help for your particular hijacker. You may find the answer there. If not, lurk until you feel like an insider, and then ask for help. The people there are very friendly and helpful, as long as you don't ask about a problem that they just solved and discussed last week. In the meantime, use the Chinese Maxthon browser. It resists a lot of the hijackers. You can also try FireFox and Opera. Have FUN! DearWebby

It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar. As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?"

Deeli's Kudos Kudo to snow mobile owner turned detective February 24, 2008 - Bangor Township, Michigan - AP Michigan police say they found what appears to be a "chop shop" for stolen snowmobiles, thanks to the determination of an angry snowmobile owner, and some telltale tracks in the snow. Police say the man discovered Saturday that his snowmobile was missing from his home in southwest Michigan. The man, whose name is not being released, called police and set out on a borrowed snowmobile following tracks in the snow. They say he followed them for about 16 kilometres, through fields and along roads. Relatives and friends followed by car as he trailed the tracks to a home in Bangor Township. "The tracks that they had followed led right up to a garage door," Michigan State Police said in a news release. Inside the garage, police found the man's snowmobile, already disassembled, plus three others and many snowmobile parts. Police say they have numerous suspects and expect to file charges. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 12-ap.html

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use ATMs During The Day Limit your risk of being robbed by avoiding ATM or cash machines at night. If you have to use an ATM at night, find one in a well lit, well traveled area. People walking away from an ATM are particularly vulnerable because criminals know that they have cash. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Stepahnie for today's Bonus Link: Reunion with lion BabelFish translation of the text: The woman in the video found to this wounded lion and on the verge of dying in the forest. Took it to its house and took care of of him until it improved. When the lion recovered, it called to a zoological one and it made some adjustments so that they took it and they offered a new home him, where could continue taking care of of him. This video was filmed when the woman went to visit the lion in the zoological time despues. The reaction of the lion when it sees it is INCREDIBLE!
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Dear Webby: McAfee problem 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 25, 2008

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? -- James Thurber
Thanks to Rubye for this story: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since." "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" From Fred Olds Sr (is he a Senator?) My Dear Friend As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend 0that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy beer or spend it on prostitution, since those are the only businesses still in the US and plowing their money back into the US.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 45 year old N.Y. parks employee Park Rage February 15, 2008 - New York - AP Police say a Parks Department employee took his city-issued golf cart on a rampage, running over and killing five birds in a public park. Police said they arrested the 45-year-old employee Friday evening after receiving complaints that he was driving erratically in the park in Lower Manhattan. He faces charges of reckless endangerment and intentional injury to an animal. Three pigeons and two seagulls were killed. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/ ... 9768.shtml
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: McAfee Total Protection Hi Webby, I got my new McAfee Total Protection and tried to install it. It stopped because of Spybot, so I removed it, or so I thought. McAfee still saw it and would not complete the install. I went back into the control panel and there it was. Tried to remove it again. Add/Remove told me I could not remove it because it wasn't there, but McAfee still sees it. I contacted the Spybot support, but have not heard from them about removing it. I'm lost! Thanks, Bob Dear Bob McAfee copied part of Spybot and now does not want the free Spybot to compete with their paid version. During the McAfee Total Protection installation they start a childish pissing contest between the two programs and leave the paying customer stuck without protection. The TeaTimer in Spybot has for many years done quite successfully what McAfee's Total Protection is trying to do. You will have to make up your mind whether you want the proven Spybot to take care of that part of protection, or McAfee's newest experiment. Personally, I think that McAfee's virus protection and firewall are the best, but their other stuff stinks. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this keen insight: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and After marriage.

Deeli's Kudos February 17, 2008 - New York - AP A skittish kitten that scampered out of its carrier on a subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels. Transit workers tracked down 6-month old Georgia under midtown Manhattan Saturday. Police reunited her with owner Ashley Phillips, a 24-year-old Bronx librarian. After hearing that the black cat might have been spotted below Lexington Avenue and East 55th Street, track workers Mark Dalessio and Efrain LaPorte went through the area making ''meow'' sounds. Georgia responded, and they found her cowering in a drain between two tracks. Georgia had lost some weight and scratched her nose but was otherwise unhurt. She had disappeared while Phillips was bringing her home from a veterinanrian visit last month. http://www.happynews.com/news/2172008/k ... subway.htm

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I called your wife. I listened to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Lay Outfits Out the Night Before If they get into the habit of laying out their outfit the night before it will make the mornings less stressful and help keep their room organized. For younger children, lay their outfit out for them. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express lane check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby, is LimeWire safe? 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  February 24, 2008

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. --- George Bernard Shaw, When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. --- Eric Hoffer
Curling - Shuffleboard, bowling and janitorial work finally get their respect in this sport. In curling, a stone is pushed down a frozen playing area, which is 46 yards long and 14 feet wide, and the closest to the "button" wins. Members of the curling team are allowed to use brooms to sweep the ice ahead of the stone so it will go further. Another part of the sport is to knock an opponents stone away from the button. The earliest known curling stone, found in Scotland, dates back to 1511, and a 1560 painting by the Flemish artist Pieter Breughel shows a Dutch curling scene, complete with brooms. Breughel's painting, entitled "Sweep, Ye Drunken Bastards! Sweep!" is the earliest known visual representation of curling. Relation Chips I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back. III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else. IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird. V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee. VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee. VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone. VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends. IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to May Norberg, head of Myran daycare in Gaellivare, northern Sweden Uniform fanatic February 16, 2008 - Gaellivare, Sweden - AFP A Swedish daycare has banned children and employees from wearing clothing with polka dots and stripes because the patterns give a staff member migraines. "I feel sorry for the staff member so I adjusted the work environment. The person in question has to be able to work," May Norberg, head of Myran daycare in Gaellivare, northern Sweden. Parents said that children who show up wrongly dressed in the morning are provided with extra clothing -- in solid colours -- to change into. The head of the Swedish Home and School Association, Ulf Eriksson, said he was surprised by the measure. "I have a hard time imagining that (the school) is allowed to make such demands," he told the paper. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080217/o ... th_offbeat
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: limeWire Dear Webby, I have been told by numerous people that having Limewire.com can ruin your computer. Are you familiar with Limewire.com? If so, what is your opinion? Tom Dear Tom They are right. LimeWire opens your computer to others to come and get music and movies that you have, just like you can go get music and video from others. The kids brag that it is easy to break out of the designated trading zones and mess around. I would not use it, especially not on a machine with important stuff on it. If you think you have to use it, get a cheap, used klunker, format it with XP, and use that machine only as a juke-box and for lime-wire and similar peer to peer sharing arrangements. As long as that machine is not networked with your other machines, it should be safe. Have FUN! DearWebby

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people waiting in my car!"

Deeli's Kudos February 21. 2008 - Albuquerque, New Mexico - AP A cat that fled a house fire is back home in Albuquerque, N.M., after turning up some 240 miles away. The black and white cat named Miko disappeared in December, on the night of the fire. About two weeks ago, Miko's owner got a call from an animal shelter in Pueblo, Colo., saying her cat was safe. Officials at the shelter speculate that the cat, trying to keep warm, hopped a tractor-trailer and rode it to Colorado. When they found her, her collar was missing. But shelter officials scanned the microchip in her neck and came up with her owner's name. http://www.happynews.com/news/2202008/c ... s-away.htm

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Broom Foot Cleaner If you have an old bristle broom that you are about to retire, put it to good use as a boot and shoe cleaner by your front or back door. Cut the handle about halfway and bury the remaining handle in the ground. Leave the bristles pointing up in the air for people to wipe their feet on. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

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If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version






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Dear Webby, what is a Trojan? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 23, 2008

Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --- Jane Wagner
Thanks to Davefor this classic: A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones having gone to see his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." So much for global warming! Feb. 22 - Highest waterfall in Estonia freezes, creating a spectacular winter wonderland. The Valaste waterfall is 25-metres high and lies between the village of Ontika which has just 83 inhabitants, and Valaste, where 121 people live. Strong sea winds and sudden low temperatures have seen much of the waterfall freeze. While water still flows, everything surrounding it is covered in beautiful ice crystals. The strong winds blew the water up from the falls, covering all nearby objects. Reuters QuickCut is a video snapshot of the most compelling images from around the world.
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Benjamin Baines Jr., 21 of Tampa, Florida Won't be flying for a while February 22, 2008 - Tampa, Florida - UPI Officials at Tampa International Airport arrested a man after they discovered him carrying a box cutter in a hollowed-out book, police said. It was reported that Benjamin Baines Jr., 21, was charged with attempting to board an airplane with a concealed dangerous weapon. He could face a 10-year jail sentence and a $250,000 fine if convicted of the federal charge. Airport officials saw the box cutter Sunday during an X-ray check of his backpack, a Transportation Security Administration report said. A security officer reportedly found the item inside a hollowed-out book called "Fear Itself." Baines told authorities he used the book to hide marijuana and money from his roommates and had forgotten the box cutter was inside it, reports said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-306905-875691
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: First cactus blooming this year
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Trojan Dear Webby, My brother claims he has the Trojan Virus in his computer. What is this, and what would you suggest he do to get rid of it: Roland Dear Roland A Trojan is a back-door for spammers and hackers. It lets the hackers enter his machine and use it for sending spam in the background, while the clueless goof is cyber-sexing in the foreground. Naturally, he is not winning any popularity contest by hosting a spam spreader and having Millions of people sincerely wishing him bad luck. Any decent anti-virus program prevents Trojans from entering, even when he clicks on disreputable spam. They also get rid of Trojans that have already been installed. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Young Love A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question his father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Deeli's Kudos February 15, 2008 - Paris, France - BBC News A British man has smashed the record for cycling round the world. Mark Beaumont, from Fife, completed the journey in 195 days - beating the previous record of 276 days. The 25-year-old crossed the finish line at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris at 1430 GMT after an 18,000-mile journey which began on 5 August last year. Mr Beaumont passed through 20 countries on his way, including Pakistan, Malaysia, Australia, New Zealand and the US. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scot ... 245381.stm

Thanks to Rubye for this story: A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a private room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got male

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Start a Book Exchange A way to save money on books is a book exchange with friends and family. An easy way to do this is to set up an email list with everyone that wants to participate and post the books you have available to share to the list. It can be a fun social event and also saves you money. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Daddy," said Little Johnny, "I'd like to get married." "Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered Johnny. "Grandma." "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!" "Why not?" the Johnny asked. "You married mine."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: UBE false alarm 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 22, 2008
Wear something red to show your dupport for the troops!


Success is important only to the extent that it puts one in a position to do more things one likes to do. --- Sarah Caldwell
Thanks to Connie for this story: Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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Miss Suzie was teaching her class about whales...she told the class that although whales are the largest creatures on earth they have really small mouths and can only swallow krill and other small sea creatures. Little Johnny immediately stood up and told the teacher she was wrong. The teacher asked why? Little Johnny explained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Bible. The teacher told Little Johnny that was impossible as a whales mouth is much to small. Little Johnny argued that if it was in the Bible then it was true... but the teacher stood her ground. Little Johnny told her that when he went to heaven he would ask Jonah himself...and then the teacher asked Little Johnny what if Jonah went to hell? To which Little Johnny replied..."Then you can ask him!" An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to environmental protesters in Palm Beach County, Fla. Bonehead to the 'Greens' Kudo to the Sheriff February 21. 2008 - Palm Beach, Florida - UPI The sheriff in Palm Beach County, Fla., is dismissing complaints from environmental protesters who were arrested during a demonstration this week. "Did they expect that they were going to the Ritz-Carlton day spa?" scoffed Sheriff Ric Bradshaw. "No. It's a jail," Nearly 30 protesters were arrested in Palm Beach Monday for blocking traffic at an aggregate mine and a Florida Power-and-Light construction site. The incarcerated greens promptly issued complaints of being brutalized and denied food. The Palm Beach Post said Bradshaw said the accusations were false and that some of the arrestees had refused to cooperate with the jailers. He also said booking photos and videotapes confirmed that no abuse had taken place. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-306211-285212
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Check Your Children's Homework!!!!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angel Re: UBE Dear Webby, What is this all about? Subject: Considered UNSOLICITED BULK EMAIL, apparently from you From: "Content-filter at spamwall19.mweb.co.za" Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:07:48 +0200 (SAST) X-Virus-Scanned: ClamAV using ClamSMTP A message from to: -> .......@mweb.co.za was considered unsolicited bulk e-mail (UBE). Angel Dear Angel The NOI (Ninjas Of Ineptitude) at mweb.co.za censored your subscription, because it had educational content. Please tell the NOI to whitelist humor@webby.com, because the subject line and the Tech Support Pits column frequently have educational information about avoiding undesired email or software. Try to use small words and explain to them, that mail, which is about how to avoid bad stuff, is not bad stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby

When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy, a woman who is beautiful." I told him he'd better make up his mind.

Deeli's Kudos February 21, 2008 - Phoenix, Arizona - AP A cat named Meatloaf who took a 3-week cross-country ride locked in a storage container is headed home to Florida. Arizona Humane Society officials say the 2-year-old gray cat apparently crawled into the large locker in Pompano Beach, Fla. as a man loaded it for a move to Phoenix. The container spent time in a Florida warehouse and on a semitrailer before being delivered to a company's Phoenix facility. A worker heard a cat meowing inside the container late Tuesday and found him hungry and thirsty but unharmed. The man who was moving remembered a similar cat near his old apartment. Meatloaf's owners had put up posters around their neighborhood and the apartment manager recalled them when Humane Society called. Spokeswoman Kim Noetzel says Meatloaf lost about half his body weight and they'll give him some time to recover before flying him home. http://www.happynews.com/news/2212008/m ... e-trek.htm

Morris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at Notre Dame ?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Vacuum Regularly Dirt helps wear down the fibers in your carpet. Vacuum regularly and place a welcome mat at your home's entrances. Also consider a "no shoes" policy. High traffic areas can often use vacuuming once a day while low traffic areas can be vacuumed a couple of times a week. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors on duty. Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seaman entered Sick Bay. The sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good. "Good?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all. A guy came in with foot cramps and the doc cut off his foot." "And remember the guy with erysipelas?" asked the second Corpsman. "The doc lobbed off his right ear." The sailor turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be back later. I've just got a mild case of jock itch."

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Dear Webby: Crossed out text 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 21, 2008

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --- Solomon Short Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain. --- John F. Kennedy He who gives in when he's wrong is wise, but he who gives in when he's right, is married. --- Louis A. Safian
Thanks to Fred for this story: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

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When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink and aimed it towards his crotch. The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Graham Calvert, 28, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England Too dumb to be let out without supervision February 16, 2008 - London, UK - AFP A compulsive gambler is suing a betting chain for two million pounds in losses he racked up despite asking the firm to bar him, he said Thursday. Graham Calvert, a 28-year-old greyhound trainer, will go to the High Court next week in a bid to force William Hill to repay his losses because it failed in a duty of care to him. Calvert, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England, said he told the company to bar him in May 2006, but was later allowed to open a new account with them. "If I'd known I had the problem and didn't do anything about it, I would see myself as being 100 percent responsible." Calvert's losses included 347,000 pounds on one bet alone, in which he forecast that the United States would win golf's Ryder Cup championships. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080217/o ... ling_court
In case you didn't see the eclipse...
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barbara Re: Crossed out text Dear Webby, This is about the third time I have received an e-mail with a line through the print. How does this happen and is there any way to correct it without retyping the entire thing? The line starts in the 4th paragraph. Thank you for any help you can give, Barbara Dear Barbara Impossible to tell whether somebody did that on purpose, or out of sheer klutziness. The results are identical. To remove the cross-out, highlight it, and hit CTRL U. With Eudora that works fine, as you see below. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Kati for this story: A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Deeli's Kudos February 20, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI A sad but 'Huge' Kudos go to Daniel Parmenter One of the survivors of last week's Northern Illinois University shootings didn't learn until days afterward that her boyfriend had died saving her life. Because Lauren Debrauwere was struggling with her own serious injuries, her parents told her that her boyfriend, Daniel Parmenter, was OK. Parmenter was sitting next to Debrauwere in their ocean science class last Thursday when a gunman entered the lecture hall and began shooting. Steven Kazmierczak, a former NIU student, carried out the attack in which five students were killed before he turned a gun on himself. Debrauwere's father said that Parmenter tried to protect Debrauwere by placing his body over hers while they were lying on the floor. Parmenter died of gunshot wounds to his head, back and side. Debrauwere was hit in the hip and abdomen. On Saturday, after consulting with a hospital social worker, Debrauwere's parents broke the news that Parmenter had died. His funeral was Tuesday at in Oak Brook, Ill. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-305982-179749

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now...." .

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Kid's Backpacks Have your kids take a day each week to clean out their backpacks. It will help them keep their school work organized and will prevent a messy backpack from exploding in your house. It also serves to help lighten load that kids have to carry on their shoulders each day. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzi instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" said the teacher. "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good!" exclaimed the teacher. "You may go home, too." Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny blurted out, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Bagpipes on police budget
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Diverted Phishing Attack 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 20, 2008

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. --- Patrick Young
Thanks to Sandie for this: Usually there's no computer problem I can't solve. But I met my match when I turned on my machine and was greeted with the message "Keyboard not detected. Hit any key to continue

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Thanks to Darlene for bringing back this Classic: THE POWER OF PRAYER? In a small conservative town, a man began construction so he could open a new Bar/Tavern. The local Church started a campaign to block the Bar from opening by daily prayers and working on petitions. Work progressed right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the Bar and burned it to the ground. The Church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, right up until the Bar's owner sued the Church on the grounds that it was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through "direct or indirect actions or means." The Church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. When the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing he commented, "I don't know yet how I'm going to decide this. It appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire Church congregation that doesn't!" A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jerry Keene, 40, and Elizabeth Blankenship, 48, both from a briber in Duval County, Florida Poor judgement of judge February 19, 2008 - Jacksonville, Florida - UPI A Duval County, Fla., man has been charged with bribery after he allegedly slipped a note to a judge that contained a $100 bill. The arrest report for Warren Robinson, 60, alleges he gave the note to Judge Charles Cofer's assistant when he arrived for a hearing on a domestic violence charge. The report says the note contained the money, a three-page letter and a message reading: "Please accept this little token of gratitude and appreciation towards me. P.S. Take your wife out to dinner on me on Valentine's Day." The letter implored the judge to drop the charges. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-305037-530900

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Phish diverted Dear Webby, I'm not sure if it was someone's idea of a joke or an actual phishing scheme, but I got a pretty standard phishing email, went to the link and put in some completely BOGUS info. When I hit the continue button, it took me to the wikipedia page about phishing. Of course, I reported the email to spam cop. Have you seen or heard of this? Eric Dear Eric Most likely Spamcop had contacted the webhost of that phishing site, and the web host then promptly confiscated the domain from the phishers, and redirected the entire domain to the wikipedia page about phishing, just to piss the phishers off. That is pretty well standard procedure with the better web hosts. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Marion for this story: My eleven-year-old son, Lee, wanted to check his height against mine, so we stood back back. When we turned around, he kept his hand in place and then exclaimed, "Mom, I'm up to the first line on your forehead!"

Deeli's Kudos February 19, 2008 - Walterboro, South Carolina - AP A South Carolina man is thankful for a DVD that ended up taking a bullet for him. Colleton County Fire and Rescue Director Barry McRoy says he was leaving a Waffle House restaurant in Walterboro on Saturday morning when two men ran in, fighting over a gun. Police say a bullet hit one of the struggling men, shattered a window and then hit McRoy. The bullet hit a DVD McRoy was carrying in his pocket. He suffered a bruise but didn't realize he had been shot. As he told a police officer what happened he noticed a bullet hole in his jacket, the shattered DVD case and a piece of the bullet. ''I was saved by a DVD,'' McRoy says. ''How lucky can you get?'' One man was arrested on assault and battery and gun charges. The DVD was nicked. It was a gift from an employee who had recorded a TV show about fire extinguishers. http://www.happynews.com/news/2192008/d ... bullet.htm

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. So he he went to a stationery store and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had written on it with a red felt maker: "Door signs require a permit from the Secretary." .

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cellphone Plans Review your cellphone plan once a year to make sure it still fits your needs. If you rarely use up your minutes you may be able to downgrade your plan and save 10 to 20 dollars a month. If you pay overcharges for going beyond your plans minutes then you might save money by upgrading your plan. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Lori for this story: I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Elvis
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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