Hex numbers for colors 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 21

Thank you all for your birthday greetings 
in email and on FB!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man wore Home Depot apron to 
steal air conditioners
Today, May 21 in
1471 King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. 
Edward IV took the throne. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry (1947 - ) Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Lyra My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and came back with a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she said she did not authorize that sign." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Computer Bumper Snickers Don't make me use uppercase. Get a Life? Cool! Where can I download one of them from? The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Bernardo Calana, 53, Haverhill, Massachusetts Man wore Home Depot apron to steal air conditioners Police say a man donned an orange Home Depot apron and posed as an employee to steal air conditioners in New Hampshire. But a manager noticed the name on the garment didn’t match that of any worker at the store. Police arrested 53-year-old Bernardo Calana, of Haverhill, Massachusetts, on Saturday. WMUR-TV reports Calana loaded two air conditions into his pickup truck in Plaistow and went back inside. A manager noticed the apron with the name “Shannon” with flowers drawn on it and called police. Calana later told police he didn’t know anything about the air conditioners, but a Home Depot apron was found in his back pocket. Calana was released on bail. The voice mailbox for a listed phone number for him was full. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Lupita Re: Hex numbers for colors Dear Webby how do I get those hex numbers for colors on web pages, when I need a color that is in between colors that have proper names? Thanks Lupita Dear Lupita Ther are a few programs that will do that. The one I have been using for about 20 years is called colour.exe. You can download it from http://webby.com/tools.html and save it right onto the desktop. It is a very small program, but works 100% reliably and has no unnecesary confusion. It is free. Have FUN! DearWebby
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and wandered in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hairy Monster Paperclip Bookmarks By ShirleyE [170 Posts, 107 Comments] Supplies: paper clips cord or yarn in different colours scissors strong glue small wiggle eyes Steps: Cut some cord into short lengths about 2 to 3 inches long. Fold them in half. Pass the loop end through a paper clip. Pass the cut ends through the loop and pull tight. Repeat twice more and trim with scissors. Glue the wiggle eyes in place. You can use pva glue for this, but it will take a long time to dry and won't hold for very long. A strong quick drying glue will work better. Try different hairstyles. Wait until the glue is properly dry before using to mark a page. You don't want to be sticking the pages together.
Some leftover yarn or wool pieces will keep visiting kids busy on a rainy aafternoon. A flexible rubber type glue works best and the collateral mess is easy to clean up. Have FUN! DearWebby
mpossible Wheel Climb
____________________________________________________ When my cousin, Tom, was at the police academy, prior to joining Chicago's finest, one of his instructors asked him during an oral exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He immediately replied, with conviction, "Call for back-up, LOTS of back-up." ___________________________________________________
People are Awesome-Best of the week!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replied, " I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Once upon a time, the only signs along rural highways were CocaCola billboards and Burma Shave signs nailed to fences. They have long been harvested by collectors. Here are some of the more memorable ones: ***Burma Shave*** BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE, ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE ***Burma Shave*** DON'T LOOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT *** Burma Shave*** DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING ***Burma Shave*** HUGGING ON HIGHWAY FAVORITE SPORT TRADE IN YOUR CAR FOR A DAVENPORT ***Burma Shave*** CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER ***Burma Shave*** SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT ***Burma Shave*** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE ***Burma Shave*** AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? ***Burma shave*** NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU *** Burma Shave*** A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' ***Burma Shave*** AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY ***Burma Shave*** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE ***Burma Shave*** THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING ***Burma Shave*** CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. ***Burma Shave*** DRUNKEN DRIVERS HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO HOBBLE HOME IN AN AMBULANCE ***Burma Shave*** If You Drive While You're Drunk Carry Your Coffin In Your Trunk ***Burma Shave*** She Kissed The Hairbrush By Mistake She Thought It Was Her Husband Jake ***Burma Shave*** The Hero Was Strong And Willin' She Felt His Face And Married The Villain ***Burma Shave*** It Would Be More Fun To Go By Air But We Can't Hang These Signs Up There ***Burma Shave***

Today, on May 21
0996 Sixteen year old Otto III was crowned the Roman Emperor. 

1471 King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. Edward
IV took the throne. 

1536 The Reformation was officially adopted in Geneva,

1542 Hernando de Soto died along the Mississippi River while
searching for gold. 

1602 Martha's Vineyard was first sighted by Captain
Bartholomew Gosnold. 

1790 Paris was divided into 48 zones. 

1819 Bicycles were first seen in the U.S. in New York City.
They were originally known as "swift walkers." 

1840 New Zealand was declared a British colony. 

1856 Lawrence, Kansas was captured by pro-slavery forces. 

1863 The siege of the Confederate Port Hudson, LA, began. 

1891 Peter Jackson and Jim Corbett fought for 61 rounds only
to end in a draw. 

1904 Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA)
was founded. 

1906 Louis H. Perlman received his patent for the demountable
tire-carrying rim. 

1924 Fourteen-year-old Bobby Franks was murdered in a "thrill
killing" committed by Nathan Leopold Jr. and Richard Loeb. The
killers were students at the University of Chicago. 

1927 Charles A. Lindberg completed the first solo nonstop
airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. The trip began May

1929 The first automatic electric stock quotation board was
used by Sutro and Company of New York City. 

1934 Oskaloosa, IA, became the first city in the U.S. to
fingerprint all of its citizens. 

1947 Joe DiMaggio and five of his New York Yankee teammates
were fined $100 because they had not fulfilled contract
requirements to do promotional duties for the team. 

1956 The U.S. exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb in the
Pacific Ocean over Bikini Atoll. 

1961 Governor Patterson declared martial law in Montgomery,

1968 The nuclear-powered U.S. submarine Scorpion, with 99 men
aboard, was last heard from. The remains of the sub were later
found on the ocean floor 400 miles southwest of the Azores. 

1970 The National Guard was mobilized to quell disturbances at
Ohio State University. 

1980 The movie "The Empire Strikes Back" was released. 

1982 The British landed in the Falkland Islands and fighting

1991 In Madras, India, the former prime minister, Rajiv Gandhi
was killed by a bouquet of flowers that contained a bomb. 

1998 An expelled student, Kipland Kinkel, in Springfield, OR,
killed 2 people and wounded 25 others with a semi-automatic
rifle. Police also discovered that the boy had killed his
parents before the rampage. 

1998 Microsoft and Sega announced that they are collaborating
on a home video game system. 

1998 In Miami, FL, five abortion clinics were hit by an
butyric acid-attacker.

2017  smiled.

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Print from PowerPoint 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 20

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car 
on fire then called 911 twice to report it,
on stolen cell phone.
Today, May 20 in
1949 DearWebby was born
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. --- Socratex "A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself, to keep his friends in countenance." --- Benjamin Franklin "Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle." --- Michelangelo Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." --- Franklin P. Jones ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Ann for this one: FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: We’ve collected a pool of cash. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: Yes. Pizza Man: With guns? Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: No way. *Click* _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Ann for this joke: A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Damn, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Damn, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing", the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Damn, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice, "Damn, missed again!." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Frederick Davis, 40, Daytona Beach, Floriduh A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car on fire then called 911 twice to report it, on stolen cell phone. A Florida man allegedly set a new sheriff’s car on fire then called 911 twice to report it, authorities said. Frederick Davis, 40, of Daytona Beach, was arrested Friday for an incident that happened in September of 2016, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal. Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood brought a patrol car in for service at an area gas station when Davis came along and allegedly set it on fire, the News-Journal reported. Davis then reportedly made two 911 calls on a stolen iPhone to report the crime, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal. Davis faces a slew of charges including arson, burglary, and fleeing or attempting to elude charge. “He was taunting law enforcement,” Chitwood told the newspaper. “Now he got the welcome mat rolled out for him at the Seminole County jail.” ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bob Re: Print from PowerPoint Dear Webby Is there a simple and quick way to print individual pages in a power point file? Bob S Dear Bob Just right click and select PRINT. That will print that slide. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Kris for this story: Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "OH THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone,you silly broad, I'm married! I guess she likes it when you call her a silly broad."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Hard Water Deposits from Faucets Litter Gitter [214 Posts, 681 Comments] I saw this tip in a video on the internet and had a chance to try it out on an old faucet that had years of calcium buildup on it. To remove calcium deposits on a faucet, wrap a cloth or small towel, that is soaked with white vinegar, around the faucet and let it sit for several hours. It will remove most of the calcium deposit. Afterwards, scrub with steel wool or a scrubbing pad to remove any that remains. In this case, I wrapped the vinegar soaked towel around the faucet and poured more vinegar on the towel and let it sit over night. I was surprised at the results when I removed the towel. I didn't have time to do any scrubbing with steel wool, but you can tell the difference just by looking at the photos that the white vinegar removed most of the calcium deposit.
In case you're confused by all the investigations
____________________________________________________ The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and occasionally, the programmer. Microsoft, it's not a bug! It's an undocumented feature. ___________________________________________________
Meet the Amazonian terminators, the most feared women in history.
Re: all that silly spam about making $$$$ fast... Are you REALLY interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times really fast.
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Do you know the difference between an Irishman and a Scotsman? Hmmmm, not really. A scotsman can say no to another beer, if it is his turn to buy a round.

Today, on May 20
0325 The Ecumenical council was inaugurated by Emperor
Constantine in Nicea, Asia Minor. 

1303 A peace treaty was signed between England and France over
the town of Gascony. 

1506 In Spain, Christopher Columbus died in poverty. 

1520 Hernando Cortez defeated Spanish troops that had been
sent to punish him in Mexico. 

1690 England passed the Act of Grace, forgiving followers of
James II. 

1674 John Sobieski became Poland’s first King. 

1774 Britain's Parliament passed the Coercive Acts to punish
the American colonists for their increasingly anti-British

1775 North Carolina became the first colony to declare its
independence. This is the date that is on the George state
flag even though the date of this event has been questioned. 

1784 The Peace of Versailles ended a war between France,
England, and Holland. 

1830 The fountain pen was patented by H.D. Hyde. 

1861 During the American Civil War, the capital of the
Confederacy was moved from Montgomery, AL, to Richmond, VA. 

1873 Levi Strauss began marketing blue jeans with copper

1899 Jacob German of New York City became the first driver to
be arrested for speeding. The posted speed limit was 12 miles
per hour. 

1902 The U.S. military occupation of Cuba ended. 

1902 Cuba gained its independence from Spain. 

1927 Charles Lindbergh took off from New York to cross the
Atlantic for Paris aboard his airplane the "Spirit of St.
Louis." The trip took 33 1/2 hours. 

1930 The first airplane was catapulted from a dirigible. 

1932 Amelia Earhart took off to fly solo across the Atlantic
Ocean. She became the first woman to achieve the feat. 

1939 The first telecast over telephone wires was sent from
Madison Square Garden to the NBC-TV studios at 30 Rockefeller
Center in Manhattan. The event was a bicycle race. 

1939 The first regular air-passenger service across the
Atlantic Ocean began with the take-off of the "Yankee Clipper"
from Port Washington, New York. The US stopped selling Helium
to Germany and discouraged flying with Zeppelins.

1941 Germany invaded Crete by air. 

1942 Japan completed the conquest of Burma. 

1949 DearWebby was born

1961 A white mob attacked the Freedom Riders in Montgomery,
AL. The event prompted the federal government to send U.S.

1969 U.S. and South Vietnamese forces captured Apbia Mountain,
which was referred to as Hamburger Hill. 

1970 100,000 people marched in New York supporting U.S.
policies in Vietnam. 

1978 Mavis Hutchinson, at age 53, became the first woman to
run across America. It took Hutchinson 69 days to run the
3,000 miles. 

1980 The submarine Nautilus was designated as a National
Historic Landmark by the U.S. Secretary of the Interior. 

1985 The FBI arrested U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer John
Walker. Walker had begun spying for the Soviet Union in 1968. 

1990 The Hubble Space Telescope sent back its first

1996 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Colorado measure
banning laws that would protect homosexuals from

1999 At Heritage High School in Conyers, GA, a 15-year-old
student shot and injured six students. He then surrendered to
an assistant principal at the school. 

2010 Scientists announced that they had created a functional
synthetic genome. 

2010 Five paintings worth 100 million Euro were stolen from
the Musée d'Art Moderne de la Ville de Paris. 

2017  smiled.

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Clarifying pictures 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 19
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard 
in her bra
href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads
Today, May 18 in
1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, 
Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where 
she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. --- Eugene McCarthy Women should be obscene and not heard. --- Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. Ill be across the field. An hour later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?", the father asked. " I told you to be quiet!" The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', I guess I just panicked." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ 2015 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________ Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________ Therapist's Name: _________________ Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both [ ] *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't: ______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________ Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Lifting weights [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / reloading Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to: [ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___ [ ] b) Be shot at ___ If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: [ ] a) Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase. [ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through. [ ] d) Call your therapist. In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop your car. [ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain, you should: [ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH. [ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual. [ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________ Are you presently taking any of the following medications? [ ] a) Prozac [ ] b) Zovirax [ ] c) Lithium [ ] d) Zanax [ ] e) Valium [ ] f) Medical pot [ ] g) Zoloft [ ] h) All of the above [ ] i) None of the above* *If none, please explain when you expect to get out of jail: __________________. Length of daily commute: [ ] a) Less than 1 hour* [ ] b) 1 hour [ ] c) 2 hours [ ] d) 3 hours [ ] e) 4 hours or more *If less than 1 hour, please explain where you are incarcerated: ____________________. When stopped by police, you should: [ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. [ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway. [ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit. When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means: [ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken. [ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes. [ ] c) She is drying her nails. Which part of your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The wiper blades [ ] b) The seat belts [ ] c) The horn Automatic door locks are good for: [ ] a) Security [ ] b) Convenience [ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in. The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads [ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [ ] c) Revenge Do you read English or Spanish? [ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Don't know Do you recognize and understand any road signs other than McDonalds and Denny's? [ ] Yes [ ] No Has pot been legalized in California? [ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Don't know [ ] Don't care Do you prefer cars with the turn signal factory pre-set for [ ] left [ ] right [ ] off Are your mirrors adjusted for [ ] checking make-up [ ] checking the kids in the back seat [ ] your bald rear tires [ ] missing If you see an old sneaker on the freeway, do you [ ] slam on the brakes and hope you can sue the turkeys who rear-end you [ ] swerve to nail it with your tire [ ] both If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move. If you can speak enough Spanglish to be able to pretend to be an illegal immigrant, then you don't need a drivers license. In that case, sign here: _____________ ______________________________________________________ Share _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by Moe: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 39, Newton, Massachusetts MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard in her bra A Massawhosits woman was found with an exotic lizard in her bra following a drunk driving arrest on Tuesday, police said. Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 39, of Newton, was charged with operating a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor, driving to endanger and a marked lane violation. Her car hit six mailboxes before it left the roadway and went onto a lawn — flattening all four tires and ripping off both bumpers —Tuesday afternoon on Staple Street in Taunton. "She came down here and went airborne," said Faith Adams, a witness who described the crash path into the mailboxes. When police arrived and approached Rebello-McCarthy, they said she began laughing. She was also slurring her words and at times drooling. Before she was transported to the police station, she told police that she had a bearded dragon in her bra. "You have to keep the lizard warm, they're cold blooded. That's why she carried it in her bra," Cindy Berglund, another witness to the crash, said. Berglund added that the driver was mumbling when she got out of the car. "She couldn't stand up. She couldn't talk," Berglund said. "She was out of it." A man who was with her — who police said was also slurring his words — was found with what appeared to be a semi-automatic weapon tucked in his waistband. He was subdued after a brief tussle. He was taken into protective custody. (Drunk tank) The gun turned out to be an airsoft gun, not a real firearm. The bearded dragon was not injured and is now in the possession of the Taunton animal control officer for feeding until Amy Rebello-McCarthy gets out of jail. They are harmless and eat insects, flowers and fruit. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Veronica Re: Sharpening pictures Dear Webby Why can't a picture that has been sharpened (increase contrast) too much, be restored after saving? I found that if I sharpen a picture and then save it, it often turns blotchy, and softening it does not reverse the previous sharpening. What is the story behind that? By the way, I use Paint Shop Pro. Veronica Dear Veronica Always keep the file format in PSP or PSD until all editing is finished, and then finally save a JPG copy. The PSP format stores a reversible history, JPG doesn't. When you increase contrast, you throw away mid tones. Softening creates mid tones by averaging. Those mid tones are not the same as the original ones. When you save a picture as a JPG and use compression, you throw away additional mid tones. You can't get those back either. That is why it is so important to save an original in .psp or .psd format. Quite often, instead of sharpening, all you need is clarifying. That reduces fuzziness or mist by throwing away only the lighter mid tones, but leaving the darker ones. Have FUN! DearWebby
Employee Evaluation Be sure to read through to the bottom... 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using a Binder Clip for Toothpaste By joanWZ [70 Posts, 21 Comments] When pushing toothpaste from the bottom to the top, sometimes we cannot help it that we'll push the tube in the middle. And one more thing, if the toothpaste is half empty already, we have to keep pushing to get out! So what I did was use those binder clip from my office. Fold the bottom of the toothpaste tube and clip it with the binder. Easy, yet helpful.
Walking on edge of tower in Toronto
____________________________________________________ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and nobody lent a car to any of them either!" ___________________________________________________
Soft stone rugs.
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted, pausing at the door, ready to sprint fro his life. "I haven't added them up yet."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Thanks to Martin for this story: A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. Hello," said the little boy. Hi," replied the little girl. Where are you going?" asked the little boy. I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl. Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church." Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. What about you?" I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl. My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across." "That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

Today, on May 19
1535 French explorer Jacques Cartier set sail for North America.

1536 Anne Boleyn, the second wife of England's King Henry VIII,
was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery. 

1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of
Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen

1588 The Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon, bound for England.

1608 The Protestant states formed the Evangelical Union of
Lutherans and Calvinists. 

1643 Delegates from four New England colonies met in Boston to
form a confederation. 

1643 The French army defeated a Spanish army at Rocroi, France. 

1796 The first U.S. game law was approved. The measure called
for penalties for hunting or destroying game within Indian

1847 The first English-style railroad coach was placed in
service on the Fall River Line in Massachusetts. 

1857 The electric fire alarm system was patented by William F.
Channing and Moses G. Farmer. 

1864 The Union and Confederate armies launched their last
attacks against each other at Spotsylvania in Virginia. 

1911 The first American criminal conviction that was based on
fingerprint evidence occurred in New York City. 

1921 The U.S. Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, which
established national quotas for immigrants. 

1926 Benito Mussolini announced that democracy was deceased.
Rome became a fascist state. 

1926 In Damascus, Syria, French shells killed 600 people. 

1928 The first frog-jumping jubilee held in Calaveras County,

1935 T.E. Lawrence "Lawrence of Arabia" died from injuries in a
motorcycle crash in England. 

1935 The National Football League (NFL) adopted an annual
college draft to begin in 1936. 

1958 Canada and the U.S. formally established the North American
Air Defense Command. 

1962 Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy
Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a
fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. 

1964 The U.S. State Department reported that diplomats had found
about 40 microphones planted in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. 

1967 The Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States
and Britain that banned nuclear weapons from outer space. 

1974 Erno Rubik invented the puzzle what would later become
known as the Rubik's Cube. 

1967 U.S. planes bombed Hanoi for the first time. 

1988 In Jacksonville, FL, Carlos Lehder Rivas was convicted of
smuggling more than three tons of cocaine into the United
States. Rivas was the co-founder of Colombia's Medellin drug

1992 In Massapequa, NY, Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot and
seriously wounded by Amy Fisher. Fisher was her husband Joey's
teen-age lover. 

1992 The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into
effect. The amendment prohibits Congress from giving itself
midterm pay raises. 

1998 In Russia, strikes broke out over unpaid wages. 

1998 Bandits stole three of Rome's most important paintings from
the National Gallery of Modern Art. 

1999 "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in
the U.S. It set a new record for opening day sales at 28.5

2000 The bones of the most complete and best-preserved
Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton went on display in Chicago. 

2000 Disney released the movie "Dinosaur." 

2003 It was announced that Worldcom Inc. would pay investor
$500 million to settle civil fraud charges over its $11 billion
accounting scandal. 

2003 Hundreds of Albert Einstein's scientific papers, personal
letters and humanist essays were made available on the Internet.
Einstein had given the papers to the Hebrew Universtiy of
Jerusalem in his will. 

2005 "Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" brought in
50.0 million in its opening day. 

2013 The Yahoo board approved the $1.1 billion purchase of the
blogging site Tumblr. 

2017  smiled.

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DSL Modems Down South 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 18

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old 
baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her 
blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds
href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads
Today, May 18 in
2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea
into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to
protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of
nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. --- Ambrose Bierce Never eat more than you can lift. --- Miss Piggy Never confuse movement with action. --- Ernest Hemingway ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?" "Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!" -------------------- Yeah, I remember that. Economics is the science of explaining today why the predictions that you made yesterday won't come true tomorrow. With extra points for using big or Latin words. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From G.G.Amanda Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking. "One thing to keep in mind is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing." "What do you mean, Uncle Greg?" Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?" "What do other women say?" Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit." I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over." That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally." "And what does Aunty Keli say? " She says, "Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige." ______________________________________________________ From Dad This one bloomed yesterday _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Charles Elliott, 18, Erica Shyrock, 19 Magnolia, Arkansas Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds A teenage couple from Arkansas have been arrested after police say their newborn daughter was found covered in blood and suffering from up to 100 rat bites all over her body, including a wound on her head through which the baby’s skull was visible. Erica Shyrock, 19, and her 18-year-old boyfriend, Charles Elliott, were taken into police custody in Magnolia on Sunday and charged with first-degree endangering the welfare of a minor. According to a graphic arrest affidavit, the case began unfolding at around 11.30am Sunday when police were summoned to Magnolia Regional Medical Center about a baby that had been bitten by rats. An emergency room nurse told the responding officers that the girl was 15 days old and weighed just 5lbs. An examination has revealed that the infant had 75 to 100 rat bites all over her body, including on her arms, fingers, hands and face. The worst injury was an inch-wide gash on the baby's forehead that was so deep it exposed a portion of her skull, the affidavit stated, according to a report by ArkansasMatters.com. When interviewed by police, Shyrock, who has been dating Elliott since 2015, recounted how she put her daughter to sleep at around 5.30am in her bassinet placed next to the parents’ bed and was awakened by her screams two hours later. When the 19-year-old mom looked in the crib, she said she found her baby girl covered in blood. Elliott, who was interviewed separately, also told police he saw bloody rat footprints in the crib. Both parents said they were aware there their home was infested with rats but failed to address the problem. In the course of the investigation, police interviewed Elliott’s' mother, Regina Barton, who revealed to them that her son told her the baby had been bitten by a mouse and that he was afraid to lose custody of her. Barton said she urged her son to take the injured newborn to the hospital anyway. Elliott cleaned up some of the blood, and he and Shyrock said they waited an additional hour and a half for Barton to arrive at their home before seeking medical help for their baby at 9am. Under questioning, Elliott reiterated to police he was afraid. The couple's roommate, Maggie Williams, later gave police permission to search the residence, where they were able to recover the crib with the bloody rodent paw prints, a baby's blood-soaked hat, a baby blanket with blood stains on it and rodent droppings on a cabinet. On Monday, Elliott and Shyrock's daughter underwent a reconstructive surgery to close the gaping wound on her forehead. A doctor at Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock, where the victim has been transferred for treatment, sent police a note on Tuesday saying the child suffered severe skin destruction from rat feeding. The physician determined the damage would have taken ‘hours to occur and the baby would have been in distress (screaming) during that time.’ The doctor suggested that the parents were ‘either incapacitated or absent to not have responded to the baby's distress.’ Shyrock and Elliott are both being held at Columbia County Justice and Detention Facility without a bond. According to Shyrock’s Facebook page, the teen mom also has an older daughter whom she had while she was aged 16 or 17. Nobody knows where that child is. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Noella Re: Installing DSL in the deep South Dear Webby Subject: installing dsl modem & filters August 11, 2004 Instructions for installing Alltel DSL modem: 1. Insert CD that came with modem and follow directions. 2. Go back and enable DSL in system settings. 3. Start over. 4. Apply DSL filters to all phone jacks. You have four phones and Alltel sent three filters. 5. Dryer alert goes off. Take clothes out of dryer so they don't wrinkle. 6. Put in clothes from washer and start dryer. 7. Start new load in washer. 8. Go to basement to check if kids left TV on overnight. 9. Turn off TV and clean kids’ area. 10. Change trash bag and notice water on floor hasn’t evaporated in last 5 days. 11. Use old blanket to absorb water. Blanket not big enough. 12. Go get bucket and large sponge and sponge water into bucket. 13. Empty 1 gallon of water down drain. 14. Come upstairs and fix lunch. 15. Empty dishwasher 16. Eat lunch 17. Load dish washer. 18. Come back to computer room to finish installing DSL. 19. Reconfigure fax machine and telephone lines to correct configuration to work with DSL. 20. Plug in Ethernet line. Ethernet line won’t go into wall jack. 21. Watch video. 22. Plug Ethernet line into modem. 23. Plug modem into wall DSL filter, knocking mouse off desk. 24. Move chair into other room so that you can pull trundle out from under day bed to look for mouse ball. Mouse ball not there. 25. Pick up papers from floor. Mouse ball not there. 26. Look in all corners of room. Mouse ball in fourth corner. 27. Replace mouse ball and click “next.” 28. Realize that you’ve forgotten to plug power cord into electrical plug on surge protector. Plug in power cord. 29. Realize that plug was too close to shut-off button on surge protector when computer goes off. 30. Go look for three-way plug to make room for more plugs in surge protector. 31. Make sure to move trash can from in front of kitchen drawers so IT doesn’t fall over. Electrical plugs not in drawer. 32. Check all other drawers in kitchen. Electrical plugs not in ANY drawer. 33. Remember that the baggie holding electrical plugs are probably on front porch, left over from installing white lights above screens on porch. 34. Find electrical plugs in front porch, bring them into computer room. 35. Plug everything in and turn computer back on. 36. Take out DSL CD and find SCAN CD to find “feature you are trying to use is on a CD-Rom or to her removable disk that is not available.” 37. Take SCAN CD out and reinsert DSL CD. 38. Finish DSL set-up. 39. Type report 40. E-mail to friends and family. Dear Noella! What a hoot! Thank you very much for sharing that! Have FUN! DearWebby
Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say. "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tea Bags for Smelly Shoes By jhenton.102 [5 Posts] Put used tea bags into smelly shoes. After a few days, they won`t smell anymore.
Vet and son rescue 10 point buck
____________________________________________________ The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" ___________________________________________________
The man who photographs ocean waves.
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: Golf clubs for sale."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

The "Dirty" joke from the folks from Erie: Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hunnred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hunnred. So, when I start?!"

Today, on May 18
1302 The weaver Peter de Coningk led a massacre of the
Flemish oligarchs. 

1642 Montreal, Canada, was founded. 

1643 Queen Anne, the widow of Louis XIII, was granted sole
and absolute power as regent by the Paris parliament,
overriding the late king's will. 

1652 In Rhode Island, a law was passed that made slavery
illegal in North America. It was the first law of its kind.

1792 Russian troops invaded Poland. 

1802 Great Britain declared war on Napoleon's France. 

1804 Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor by the
French Senate. 

1828 Battle of Las Piedras ended the conflict between
Uruguay and Brazil. 

1896 The U.S. Supreme court upheld the "separate but equal"
policy in the Plessy vs. Ferguson decision. The ruling was
overturned 58 years later with Brown vs. Board of

1917 The U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service act,
which called up soldiers to fight in World War I. 

1934 The U.S. Congress approved an act, known as the
"Lindberg Act," that called for the death penalty in
interstate kidnapping cases. 

1944 Monte Cassino, Europe's oldest Monastic house, was
finally captured by the Allies in Italy. 

1951 The United Nations moved its headquarters to New York

1974 India became the sixth nation to explode an atomic

1980 Mt. Saint Helens erupted in Washington state. 57
people were killed and 3 billion $ in damage was done. 

1983 The U.S. Senate revised immigration laws and gave
millions of illegal aliens legal status under an amnesty

1994 Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip
ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and
Palestinian authorities took over. 

1998 The U.S. federal government and 20 states filed a
sweeping antitrust case against Microsoft Corp., saying the
computer software company had a "choke hold" on competitors
which denied consumer choices by controlling 90% of the
software market. 

1998 U.S. federal officials arrested more than 130 people
and seized $35 million. This was the end to an
investigation of money laundering being done by a dozen
Mexican banks and two drug-smuggling cartels. 

2012 Facebook Inc. held its initial public offering and
began trading on the NASDAQ. The company was valued at $104
billion making it the largest valuation to date for a newly
listed public company. 

2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea
into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to
protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of
nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing.

2017  smiled.

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DSL and phone on the same line 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 17

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC man drove 106 mph with small kids 
unbuckled in the car
Details At  Boneheads
Today, May 17 in
1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts 
on Jupiter's surface. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --- Calvin Trillin (1935 - ) Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. --- Ron Nesen or CNN ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intend to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Anni and her family took a tour of England. They joined a group of tourists on a bus to visit Runnymede, England. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." Anni pushing her way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. Anni looked at her watch and said, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by James Bradley Deese, 23, Union, South Carolina SC man drove 106 mph with small kids unbuckled in the car Deputies say they arrested a Union man who they clocked driving over 100 mph with two small children unbuckled in the back seat. James Bradley Deese, 23, was charged by the Union County Sheriff’s Office with reckless driving and driving under suspension. He was also ticketed for having two unrestrained children in the vehicle. Deputies say they started following Deese just before 9 p.m. Wednesday on Lockhart Highway. Radar indicated he was driving 106 mph. Deese slowed down to 86 mph when deputies turned on blue lights to pull the small car over. It was during the talk with Deese that deputies say they noticed two small children were in the back seat of the car. They were not restrained or wearing seat belts, according to the incident report. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Britta P Re: Phone plus DSL at the same time Dear Webby Is it safe to dump my first phone number and just use the second one that has the DSL on it? Would I get knocked off the net if somebody calls in or if I call out? How does that work, in simple terms please! Thanks Britta P Dear Britta It's perfectly safe to do that. The phone and the DSL share the wire, but they use different frequencies. An analogy would be a glass fiber or rod that passes light through it. A beam of red light would carry the phone stuff, and a beam of blue light would carry the Internet stuff. At each end is a crystal prism that splits the light into the different colors of the rainbow. The phone only sees the red and reddish colors, and the DSL modem only sees the blue and bluish colors. Neither the phone nor the DSL modem see or are aware of what goes on in the other device's color band. Exactly the same happens with your phone cable. Neither the phone nor the DSL modem see or are aware of what goes on in the other device's frequency band. Have FUN! DearWebby
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tea Bags for Smelly Shoes By jhenton.102 [5 Posts] If you ever have a pair of shoes that don't smell very good then I have an easy solution for you! Just take some tea bags and place them in your shoes while not in use, in a day or two your shoes won't have any bad smell!
Vet and son rescue 10 point buck
____________________________________________________ When Little Johnny's family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the new place. "It's great!" he said. "I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Dad is still stuck with Mom." ___________________________________________________
The man who photographs ocean waves.
Magdalena spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township Magdalena attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, Magdalena was deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies and wanted to always remember this moment and recorded it to share it with friends after getting home. With tears flowing down the cheeks, Magdalena turned to a local and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" The local looked at Magdalena and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get the shits."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

After a hardy Arkansas rainstorm filled all the potholes in the back alley, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in a water puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of the head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the back yard in a panic."Why on Earth did you do that to your little brother?"she inquired as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church,' Mommy" He said. "I was baptizing him like the preacher did in church last Sunday. I said, "I now baptize you in the name of the father, the son, and in-the-hole-he-goes!"

Today, on May 17
1540 Afghan chief Sher Khan defeated Mongul Emperor Humayun
at Kanauj. 

1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts on
Jupiter's surface. 

1681 Louis XIV sent an expedition to aid James II in
Ireland. As a result, England declares war on France. 

1756 Britain declared war on France, beginning the French
and Indian War. 

1792 The New York Stock Exchange was founded at 70 Wall
Street by 24 brokers. 

1814 Denmark ceded Norway to Sweden. Norway's constitution,
which provided a limited monarchy, was signed. 

1875 The first Kentucky Derby was run at Louisville, KY. 

1877 The first telephone switchboard burglar alarm was
installed by Edwin T. Holmes. 

1926 The U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires was damaged by bombs
that were believed set by sympathizers of Sacco and

1932 The U.S. Congress changed the name "Porto Rico" to
"Puerto Rico." 

1939 The first fashion to be shown on television was
broadcast in New York from the Ritz-Carleton Hotel. 

1940 Germany occupied Brussels, Belgium and began the
invasion of France. 

1946 U.S. President Truman seized control of the nation's
railroads, delaying a threatened strike by engineers and

1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 

1954 The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled for school
integration in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. The
ruling declared that racially segregated schools were
inherently unequal. 

1956 The first synthetic mica (synthamica) was offered for
sale in Caldwell Township, NJ. 

1975 NBC TV bought the rights to show "Gone With the Wind."
The one time rights cost NBC $5,000,000. 

1980 Rioting erupted in Miami's Liberty City neighborhood
after an all-white jury in Tampa acquitted four former
Miami police officers of fatally beating black insurance
executive Arthur McDuffie. Eight people were killed in the

1985 Bobby Ewing died on the season finale of "Dallas" on
CBS-TV. He returned the following season. 

1987 An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark
in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors. Iraq and
the United States called the attack a mistake. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring
neighborhood notification when sex offenders move in.
Megan's Law was named for 7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was
raped and killed in 1994. 

1997 Rebel leader Kabila declared himself president of the
Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly Zaire. 

1999 Eric Ford, a tabloid photographer, was sentenced to 6
months at a halfway house, 3 years probation and 150 hours
of community service. The sentence stemmed from a charge
that Ford had eavesdropped on a call between Tom Cruise and
Nicole Kidman and then sold a recording of the

2000 Austria, the U.S. and six other countries agreed on
the broad outline of a plan that would compensate Nazi-Era
forced labor. 

2002 Legoland Deutschland opened in Günzburg, Germany. 

2006 The U.S. aircraft carrier Oriskany was sunk about 24
miles off Pensacola Beach. It was the first vessel sunk
under a Navy program to dispose of old warships by turning
them into diving attractions. It was the largest man-made
reef at the time of the sinking. 

2007 Trains crossed the border dividing North and South
Korea for the first time since 1953. 

2017  smiled.

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Open multiple follders 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 16

Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman steals $300 cash from yard sale 
half mile from where she lives, gives the finger, 
drives off.
Details At  Boneheads
Today, May 16 in
1770 Marie Antoinette, at age 14, married the future King
Louis XVI of France, who was 15. She was the last queen of
France, guillotined in the French Revolution 18 years
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
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______________________________________________________ Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian. --- Lee Simonson Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression. --- Amos Bronson Alcott (1799 - 1888) The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. --- George Bernard Shaw Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Little Johnny was rough housing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnny, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone really huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Walter, the Stonecarver at http://stonecarver.com The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The raising of the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Susan Weitzel, 68, Ocala, Florida Florida woman steals $300 cash from yard sale half mile from where she lives, gives the finger, drives off. A Florida woman accused of stealing from a yard sale gave her victims a middle-finger salute as they attempted to chase her down. According to WKMG, Susan Weitzel, 68, of Ocala, went to a yard sale hosted by two sisters and their mother inside The Villages on Saturday. Weitzel asked a woman who was watching a cash box filled with $300 to get a bag because she wanted to buy a china bowl. As the woman left her post, Weitzel opened the cash box and placed the money in her pockets, according to WKMG. When confronted by a witness, Weitzel took off toward her white Ford F-150 and got in. One of the victims reached the truck before it left, and tried to open the door, but it was locked. Weitzel gave the woman the middle finger before driving off, WKMG reported. Authorities later found Weitzel at her home, only a half- mile from the yard sale. Police say she tried to escape through her back door to avoid arrest. She was arrested and charged with grand theft and resisting an officer without violence. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: John Re: Open multiple folders Dear Webby Is it possible in Windows 7 home to view the contents of multiple folders in one window? I am converting the format of music files which are organized into folders and it would be helpful to view all of the music files at once. Thanks, John Dear John Just open multiple file Explorer windows. For example one to show the Music folder on the C: drive, one to show the MP3 folder on the E: drive, one to show the MiscMusic folder on the CD and one to show the Music folder on the USB hard drive. Then you can drag stuff back and forth or into a staging folder for assembling a DVD. If you want to view ALL files of a type, for example MP3, on all drives, do a SEARCH and look for *.mp3 , all drives. Have FUN! DearWebby
Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to the insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?" Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its des- perate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil." Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark. "Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained, "but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paper Plate Cookie Gift Basket By ShirleyE [169 Posts, 106 Comments] Who doesn't like cookies? And homemade cookies are the best. Here is a simple and super cool way to present your homemade cookies as a gift. Who wouldn't be delighted to receive them? Paper Plate Cookie Gift Basket - cookie gift pack Supplies: 1 paper plate marker pen glue string or ribbon 4 large hole beads ruler pair of scissors decorations, such as stickers tissue paper cellophane Steps: Draw a rectangle in the middle of the plate. extend the two long sides to the edge of the plate Cut along these extensions. Fold the ends in and crease. Fold along the long edges and crease. crease along the fold apply glue Turn up the short sides first and then the long sides. Bend the points around and hold them together until the glue sets. If your glue is slow drying use a peg (clothespin) to hold them in place. turn up short sides and then long sides hold until glue sets decorate with ribbon or string add beads to ends add stickers or other decorations Line the basket with tissue paper. line with tissue paper Wrap your cookies in cellophane before displaying them in the basket.
" target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40F8mALRukA"> When your office is 2,000 feet up!
____________________________________________________ A man returned from Africa feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed was ringing. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door." ___________________________________________________
Ink in motion.
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

Today, on May 16 
1770 Marie Antoinette, at age 14, married the future King
Louis XVI of France, who was 15. 

1866 The U.S. Congress authorized the first 5-cent piece to
be minted. 

1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted during the
Senate impeachment, by one vote. 

1879 The Treaty of Gandamak between Russia and England set
up the Afghan state. It has been at war ever since.

1881 In Germany, the first electric tram for the public
started service. 

1888 The first demonstration of recording on a flat disc
was demonstrated by Emile Berliner. 

1920 Joan of Arc was canonized in Rome. 

1946 "Annie Get Your Gun" opened on Broadway. 

1946 Jack Mullin showed the world the first magnetic tape

1960 A Big Four summit in Paris collapsed due to the
American U-2 spy plane incident. 

1960 Theodore Maiman, at Hughes Research Laboratory in
California, demonstrated the first working laser. 

1963 After 22 Earth orbits Gordon Cooper returned to Earth,
ending Project Mercury. 

1965 Spaghetti-O's were sold for the first time. 

1969 Venus 5, a Russian spacecraft, landed on the planet

1975 Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to
reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

1977 Five people were killed when a New York Airways
helicopter, idling on top of the Pan Am Building in
Manhattan, toppled over, sending a huge rotor blade flying.

1987 The Bobro 400 set sail from New York Harbor with 3,200
tons of garbage. The barge travelled 6,000 miles in search
of a place to dump its load. It returned to New York Harbor
after 8 weeks with the same load. 

1988 A report released by Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
declared that nicotine was addictive in similar was as
heroin and cocaine. No kidding, Bubba?

1988 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police do not have
to have a search warrant to search discarded garbage. 

1991 Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to
address the U.S. Congress. 

1992 The Endeavour space shuttle landed safely after its
maiden voyage. 

1996 Admiral Jeremy "Mike" Boorda, the nation's top Navy
officer, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after
some of his military awards were called into question. 

1997 In Zaire, President Mobutu Sese Seko gave control of
the country to rebel forces ending 32 years of autocratic

2000 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was nominated
to run for U.S. Senator in New York. She was the first U.S.
first lady to run for public office. It was a no-contest
campaign designed to appease her after the Lewisnsky

2005 Sony Corp. unveiled three styles of its new
PlayStation 3 video game machine.

2017  smiled.

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 16


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face does look familiar." _____________________________________________________ 2 An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings. The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him. The doctor said, What is the question you have? Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living? _____________________________________________________ 3 While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet. She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..." But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help. I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?" "Underwear?" she replied. ____________________________________________________ 4 Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research, several thousand volunteers and a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. _____________________________________________________ 5 A fight broke out between a couple of redneck locals and a lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the drunken hillbillies, the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses. When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?" She answered, "I ain't never had no altercation! These is all my 'riginal parts." _____________________________________________________ 6 Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing." =====================================================

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 15

Hi Daniel,
For The Thirtty-Fifth Time,
You Forget That You Are Still A Yahoo.
Att.Net  Is Just A Mask For Yahoos, 
Who Are Ashamed Of Being Yahoos.
There Is Nothing I Can Do About Your Subscription,
After It Has Entered The Yahoo Server.
It Is Up To You To Either
A) Stop The Blocking, Or
B) Get A Reliable Address On The Side.

You Can Continue Using Att.Net / Yahoo For
Cybersex And Baseball Card Trading, 
You Just Need A Respectable Address On The Side 
For Stuff, That You Or Yahoo Are Blocking.
Have Fun!

Todays Bonehead Award:
New Jersey Man High On Pcp Busted After He 
Stops Car In The Middle Of The Lincoln Tunnel 
To Masturbate
Details At  Boneheads
Today, May 15 in
1602 - Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. --- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. --- James Thurber I think AOL is built on that concept ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Euro-Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and every detail is coordinated by the Swiss. Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it's organized by the Italians. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Baking Cookies With Your Cat 1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe. 2. Get cup of coffee. 3. Get cat off of cookbook. 4. Find that special recipe. 5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug. 6. Go to fridge and get eggs. 7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard. 8. Break eggs in small bowl. 9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl. 10. Answer the phone. 11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge. 12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off. 13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands. 14. Throw flour out and get more. 15. Preheat oven for cookies. 16. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now. 17. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom. 18. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough. 19. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound. 20. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom things knocked over on top of the counter. 21. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl. 22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off. 23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs. 24. Clean up bathroom. 25. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now. 26. Get wet cat off floured counter in kitchen. 27. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour. 28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten. 29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies. 30. Casually fling cat onto the roof of a passing Winnebago 31. Act surprised when you find that the cat has made it home before you. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ismael Esquilin, 48, Passaic, N.J., New Jersey man high on PCP busted after he stops car in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel to masturbate The Lincoln Tunnel became the tunnel of self-love when a man high on PCP blocked traffic with his minivan to take time to pleasure himself, authorities said. Port Authority cops busted Ismael Esquilin, 48, of Passaic, N.J., about 7:15 p.m. Thursday when his Dodge minivan was found stopped in the middle of the New Jersey-bound side of the Hudson River tunnel, holding up traffic. When cops approached the car, they found Esquilin removing his clothes and “performing a lewd act,” Port Authority spokesman Joe Pentangelo said. The idling minivan was running and the keys were in the ignition. Cops also found a glass pipe and small glass bottles containing PCP on the passenger seat floor. After cops covered Esquilin with a blanket, the man admitted that he had smoked PCP — but refused to take a Breathalyzer test, authorities said. Police took Esquilin to New Jersey, where he was charged with drug possession, driving under the influence of drugs, reckless driving and impeding traffic, officials said. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Barbara Re: Too many unknown programs running Dear Webby I have Microsoft Windows 7 home edition and have "suddenly developed" a problem -- under Windows Task Manager, Processes, it shows 40 are running, all but a couple are exe files but I am unable to identify what they are. Have been trying to defrag but each time I bring it up, I get a message saying there is insufficient room on my puter to do so. It seems to me the reason there isn't enough room is due to all those programs running at the same time. How do I stop them without causing a problem or losing them - they may be things I will want or need. Barbara Dear Barbara TaskManager shows how much RAM those programs use. Install Spybot-Search&Destroy from the right side menu. That will get rid of the spyware. Then run it in Advanced mode and analyze the start up. It will let you disable all the programs that are safe to disable. However, all of that does not give you disk space. That just gives you more available RAM. To get more free disk space you will just have to get rid of files. Use Everything from http://www.voidtools.com/ it is free. With that you can list ALL the pictures. Chances are that you have a lot of unnecessary pictures, like the silly stuff from Incredimail. Sort by size, and get rid of that crap. The same goes for the other end of the scale. There are probably all kinds of excessively huge pictures sent to you ages ago. Dump them. Then look at program files. You can use Everything to show just programs. There are probably a bunch that you only vaguely remember, but that you have not used for ages. Check their location, then go to that lokation, look for an UNinstall file, and UNinstall them. Quite often, but not always, that gets rid of all their auxiliary files. You might still have to manually clean up a bit, but most should be gone after UNinstalling. In an evening of cleaning up you should be able to make enough room that the Defrag from Glary Utilities will run. If there is stuff that you dont really want to dump, but wont be using for some time, then move it onto an 8 or 16 GB camera chip. Have FUN! DearWebby
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing and Killing Weeds Between Bricks Vinegar can kill weeds and grass when poured full strength in cement driveways or brick walkways. By imaqt1962
Mountain biking - extreme
____________________________________________________ If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax at any given moment, If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs, Then,........ You are probably the family dog. ___________________________________________________
A stained glass cabin in the woods.
Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

From Lynn My son's friend was spending the night, both are a 11 years old. I guess the classics are not big at his friend's house. While I was talking about some classic movies, I asked Andy if he ever saw "Gone With The Wind." He said "No, but saw "Gone in 60 Seconds."

Today, on May 15
1602 - Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 

1614 An aristocratic uprising in France ended with the
treaty of St.Menehould. 

1618 Johannes Kepler discovered his harmonics law. 

1702 The War of Spanish Succession began. 

1768 Under the Treaty of Versailles, France purchased
Corsica from Genoa just in time before Napoleon was born. 

1795 Napoleon entered the Lombardian capital of Milan. 

1849 Neapolitan troops entered Palermo, and were in
possession of Sicily. 

1911 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the dissolution of
Standard Oil Company, ruling it was in violation of the
Sherman Antitrust Act. 

1916 U.S. Marines landed in Santo Domingo to quell civil

1918 Regular airmail service between New York City,
Philadelphia and Washington, DC, began under the direction
of the Post Office Department, which later became the U.S.
Postal Service. 

1926 Roald Amundsen and Lincoln Ellsworth were forced down
in Alaska after a four-day flight over an icecap. Ice had
begun to form on the dirigible Norge. 

1926 The New York Rangers were officially granted a
franchise in the NHL. The NHL also announced that Chicago
and Detroit would be joining the league in November. 

1930 Ellen Church became the first female flight attendant.

1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the

1942 Gasoline rationing began in the U.S. The limit was 3
gallons a week for nonessential vehicles. 

1948 Israel was attacked by Transjordan, Egypt, Syria, Iraq
and Lebanon only hours after declaring its independence. 

1951 AT&T became the first corporation to have one million

1957 Britain dropped its first hydrogen bomb on Christmas
Island in the Pacific Ocean. 

1958 Sputnik III, the first space laboratory, was launched
in the Soviet Union. 

1963 The last Project Mercury space flight was launched. 

1964 The Smothers Brothers, Dick and Tom, gave their first
concert in Carnegie Hall in New York City. 

1970 U.S. President Nixon appointed America's first two
female generals. 

1972 Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur
Bremer in Laurel, MD while campaigning for the U.S.
presidency. Wallace was paralyzed by the shot. 

1975 The merchant ship U.S. Mayaguez was recaptured from
Cambodia's Khmer Rouge. 

1980 The first transcontinental balloon crossing of the
United States took place. 

1983 In Boston,MA, the Madison Hotel was destroyed by

1988 The Soviet Union began their withdrawal of its 115,000
troops from Afghanistan. Soviet forces had been there for
more than eight years. 

1990 Vincent Van Gogh's "Portrait of Doctor Gachet" was
sold for $82.5 million. The sale set a new world record. 

1997 The Space shuttle Atlantis blasted off on a mission to
deliver urgently needed repair equipment and a fresh
American astronaut to Russia's orbiting Mir station. 

2014 The National September 11 Memorial Museum was
dedicated in New York City. 

2017  smiled.

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Are you safe from Ransomware? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 14

Thank you William!

Happy Mothers Day!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks 
over president's quote.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 14 in
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in 
law Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. --- Marquis de la Grange Most people don't want advice. They want agreement with their preconceived notions. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this story: A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for bringing back this classic. It used to be very popular when part of Hongkong moved to BC and turned Vancouver into Hongkoofa. I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line......just one guy in front of me.... He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated....he asked the teller.... "Why it change? "Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy screamed, "Fluc you white guys too!" ______________________________________________________ Yunnan in China _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tonya Waddell, Richmond Early College High School Hamlet, North Carolina North Carolina school district recalls yearbooks over president's quote A North Carolina high school recalled its yearbooks after the hysterically fanatic Hillarite principal Tonya Waddell saw a senior's quote which read "Build that wall" President Donald Trump The hysterical Hillarite objected to seeing a quote by the elected president and recalled the year books. Only quotes by Hillary are allowed. They will use taxpayer money to refund for all the books. The school district said on Facebook Tuesday. "The principal immediately collected the distributed yearbooks." Free speech is definitely NOT allowed. And they bitch about North Korea! ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Anna Re: RansomWare Dear Webby What's the real story about all this WanaCrypt0r, that the media can't stop blathering about? I got W7, updated, and MalwareBytes PRO lifetime as you suggested years ago. I also have MailWasher, just for my private enjoyment. Sure is fun to see how it makes the spam fly to hell, UNREAD, just showing in the pie chart. Do I have to worry about that Ransomware? Keep up the good work! Anna Dear Anna No, you don't have to worry about it. MalwareBytes PRO protects you. The free version apparently might not protect against it, but you are covered. Having Windows updated is also quite necessary these days. Don't worry, they finished with messing with the user interface in W7 and are just doing security fixes nowadays. Anybody, who signed up for the free 2019 update deal for industrial / commercial XP users when I wrote about it 3-4 years ago, is also covered. Those, who were too lazy or not smart enough, like the British National Health Servive or some European car manufacturing plants, well, they are up shit creek without a paddle now. With a virus, that spreads laterally across networks, not point to point, the unprotected British National Health Service was a high speed conveyor belt going in all directions. I imagine somebody might get frowned at. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. The river was deep and swift; he could not retrieve his axe, and he was too poor to buy a new one. Knowing that he was doomed to poverty and starvation, he began to weep. As he sobbed, God appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him about his lost axe. God went down into the water and reappeared with a wonderful golden axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "No." God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "No." God went down again and came up with the woodcutter's old iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes." God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily. One day the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river and was swept away. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "My wife has fallen into water." God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" God asked. "Yes," the woodcutter said. God was furious. "Once you were an honest man - but now you have become a liar and a cheat!!" The man quickly said, "Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say 'No' to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say 'No' to her, you will finally come up with my wife, and I will say 'Yes.' Then you will give all the three to me! I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So, that's why I had to say 'Yes!' "
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peeling Hard Boiled Eggs By Jean Genie [59 Posts, 857 Comments] I just cut a piece of shell, then insert the spoon and essentially 'spoon' the egg. By which I mean that I make the spoon come between the egg and the shell. In this way, the shell effortlessly separates from the cooked white. Even if it decides to splinter and stick, the act of making the spoon scrape against the shell makes the problem entirely disappear. I actually do something similar with avocados. I think they gave me the idea. Source: My own experience
fox steals golf ball
____________________________________________________ A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should maybe just say 'Bridge Out'?" ___________________________________________________
Game of Thrones sculptures carved onto the tips of pencils.
"Information. Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt." "Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That, *sir*, is NOT the way we spell Theodore."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, please,... Break my arms!"

Today, on May 14
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law
Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 

1509 In the Battle of Agnadello, French defeated Venitians
in Northern Italy. 

1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport went
ashore at Jamestown, Virginia. The group had arrived at the
location the day before. This became the first permanent
English colony in America. 

1610 French King Henri IV (Henri de Navarre) was
assassinated by a fanatical monk, François Ravillac. 

1643 Louis XIV became King of France at age 4 upon the
death of his father, Louis XIII. 

1787 Delegates began gathering in Philadelphia for a
convention to draw up the U.S. Constitution. 

1796 The first smallpox vaccination was given by Edward

1804 William Clark set off the famous expedition from Camp
Dubois. A few days later, in St. Louis, Meriwether Lewis
joined the group. The group was known as the "Corps of

1811 Paraguay gained independence from Spain. 

1853 Gail Borden applied for a patent for condensed milk. 

1862 The chronograph was patented by Adolphe Nicole. 

1878 The name Vaseline was registered by Robert A.

1879 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Telephone
Company of Europe. 

1897 Guglielmo Marconi made the first communication by
wireless telegraph. 

1913 The Rockefeller Foundation was created by John D.
Rockefeller with a gift of $100,000,000. 

1935 The Philippines ratified an independence agreement. 

1940 The Netherlands surrendered to Nazi Germany. 

1942 The Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAAC) was
established by an act of the U.S. Congress. 

1942 The British, while retreating from Burma, reached

1948 Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the
independent State of Israel as British rule in Palestine
came to an end. 

1955 The Warsaw Pact, an Eastern European mutual-defense
treaty, was signed in Poland by eight communist bloc
countries including the Soviet Union. 

1961 A bus carrying Freedom Riders was bombed and burned in

1973 Skylab One was launched into orbit around Earth as the
first U.S. manned space station. 

1975 U.S. forces raided the Cambodian island of Koh Tang
and recaptured the American merchant ship Mayaguez. All 40
crew members were released safely by Cambodia. About 40
U.S. servicemen were killed in the military operation. 

1985 Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant became the
first fast-food business museum. It is located in Des
Plaines, Illinois. 

1988 In the Andean village of Cayara, Peru's military was
involved in a massacre of at least 26 peasants. 

1992 Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev addressed
members of the U.S. Congress, appealing to them to pass a
bill to aid the people of the former Soviet Union. 

1996 A tornado hit 80 villages in nothern Bangladesh. More
than 440 people were killed. 

1999 North Korea returned the remains of six U.S. soldiers
that had been killed during the Korean War. 

2017  smiled.

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Fake PayPal email 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 13

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida Democrat congresswoman stole $800,000 
from charity – spenit it on luxury trips, convicted
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 13 in
1861 - Britain declared its neutrality in the 
American Civil War. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. --- Ernie Kovacs Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. --- Albert Camus ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that fall, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter." ______________________________________________________ Volcano in Iceland _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Corrine Brown Florida Florida Democrat congresswoman stole $800,000 from charity – spenit it on luxury trips, convicted The Democratic Congresswoman received a whopping $800,000 worth of donations for a fake charity that she set up, and used the funds to pay for her own personal concerts and golf trips. We previously reported on this, however she has now been officially found guilty. "Former Democratic Rep. Corrine Brown was found guilty on 18 fraud and tax evasion charges Thursday afternoon in a Jacksonville federal court." "The charges stemmed from accusations she illegally siphoned thousands of dollars from her charity into her own bank account for lavish parties, trips and shopping excursions." "Brown was found not guilty on four of the 22 total charges." Brown served as a Florida representative in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1993 until 2017. She was defeated in her 2016 primary race, but will get a full salary for a lifetime pension. The sentence came after an investigation into the charity "One Door for Education Foundation Inc.," which the prosecutors say was used as a front to line the front pockets of the owners. Fox News also adds that earlier this year, Carla Wiley, president of said charity, pleaded guilty to "one account of conspiracy to commit wire fraud," after it was determined that she laundered nearly $800,000 into the organization over the course of four years. "Prosecutors said Brown participated from 2012 to 2016 in a conspiracy and fraud scheme involving the One Door for Education fund, along with her chief-of-staff Elias ‘Ronnie’ Simmons and the charity’s president, Carla Wiley." "The group solicited more than $800,000 in charitable donations that they said would be used to pay for college scholarships, computers for schools and other charitable causes, prosecutors said." "The money instead was spent by the three for their own personal use, including for a golf tournament honoring Brown and for luxury box seats at a Beyonce concert. The charity awarded only two scholarships totaling $1,200 to college students, according to trial evidence." "Simmons and Wiley previously pleaded guilty to charges stemming from their involvement in the scheme." "Brown, known as a talkative politician who does not shy away from the media, stayed silent as she left the courthouse on Thursday." The money that was stolen, should have been given to "needy children," to help fund their education, according to the Tampa Bay Times. Acting Assistant Attorney General Kenneth Blanco said that "She shamefully deprived needy children of hundreds of thousands of dollars that could have helped with their education and improved their opportunities for advancement, and she lied to the IRS and the American public about secret cash deposits into her personal bank accounts." FBI Special Agent in Charge, Charles Spencer, also added that "Brown took an oath year after year to serve others, but instead she exploited the needs of children and deceived her constituents to advance her own personal and political agendas." Despite this, Brown has still maintained her innocence, according to her attorney. He says that they’re seeking a new trial, and that this is "just part one of a very long process." ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Louise Re: PayPal Dear Webby I got an E mail from PayPal asking for a credit/check card for their records. Is this a legitimate E Mail? It is supposed to be because members have been using stolen credit cards and so they want an additional check card. Louise Dear Garry Dear Christina Dear Louise DON'T fill out ANYTHING on that! It's a spoof from some crooks pretending to be PayPal. Forward that to the real PayPal at spoof@paypal.com PayPal will NEVER ask you for any information in email. If you had MailWasher, then you would have seen in the preview that the links were phony. Depending on your mail program, you can also see where the links actually go to if you hover the mouse over a link and watch the status line at the bottom. While the visible link may say "http://paypal.com", the status line will show that it's some long number or a totally different domain. Just forward it to the cops at spoof@paypal.com, and then trash that mail. Have FUN! DearWebby
>From Debbie I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled. Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?" So I told her I had changed my mind and walked out.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Hard Water Deposits From Faucets To remove hard water deposits that accumulate on faucets from hard water, fill a bag with vinegar and tie the bag to the faucet. Allow the faucet to soak in the vinegar for a couple of hours. When you remove the bag, the deposits should be gone. Repeat if necessary.
Hallelujah from Russia - Goosebumps!
____________________________________________________ "Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?" "Yes." "I want you to send somebody over right away." "What's wrong?" "There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog." ___________________________________________________
Winners of the 2017 Sony World Photography Awards
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked their son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not 110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. Can you get 10 more?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow- filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here.

Today, on May 13
1607 - An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at Jamestown, Virginia. The passengers went ashore
the next day and this site became the first permanent
settlement English colony in America. 

1779 - The War of Bavarian Succession ended. 

1787 - Captain Arthur Phillip left Britain for Australia.
He successfully landed eleven ships full of convicts on
January 18, 1788, at Botany Bay. The group moved north
eight days later and settled at Port Jackson. 

1846 - The U.S. declared that war existed with Mexico. 

1861 - Britain declared its neutrality in the American
Civil War. 

1864 - The Battle of Resaca commenced as Union General
Sherman fought towards Atlanta during the American Civil

1865 - The last land engagement of the American Civil War
was fought at the Battle of Palmito Ranch in far south
Texas, more than a month after Gen. Lee's surrender at
Appomattox, VA. 

1873 - Ludwig M. Wolf patented the sewing machine lamp

1880 - Thomas Edison tested his experimental electric
railway in Menlo Park. 

1888 - Slavery was abolished in Brazil. 

1897 - Guglielmo Marconi sent the world's first wireless
communication over open sea. 

1912 - Royal Flying Corps was established in England. 

1913 - Igor Sikorsky flew the first four engine aircraft. 

1917 - Near Fatima, Portugal, three peasant children
reported seeing a vision of the Virgin Mary. 

1927 - "Black Friday" occurred in Germany. 

1949 - The first gas turbine to pump natural gas was
installed in Wilmar, AR. 

1954 - U.S. President Eisenhower signed into law the St.
Lawrence Seaway Development Act. 

1958 - French troops took control of Algiers. 

1958 - U.S. Vice President Nixon's limousine was battered
by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas,

1968 - Peace talks between the U.S. and North Vietnam began
in Paris. 

1985 - A confrontation between Philadelphia authorities and
the radical group MOVE ended as police dropped an explosive
onto the group's headquarters. Eleven people died in the
fire that resulted. 

1998 - India did a second round of nuclear tests. The first
round had been done 2 days earlier. Within hours the U.S.
and Japan imposed tough economic sanctions. India claimed
that the tests were necessary to maintain India's national

1999 - In Moscow, the impeachment of Russian President
Boris Yeltsin began. 

2017  smiled.

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Where does spam come from? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 12
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texan told police he was kidnapped and 
thata the kidnappers torched his car. Turns out 
he was behind on his car payments and did not 
want a repossesion on his record.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 12 in
1847 William Clayton invented the odometer. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Imitation is the sincerest form of television. --- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956) Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought. --- Sir William Osler ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention. ---------------- Personally, I quite like the sound of bagpipes, from about five miles away. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Oscar Carrillo, Odessa, Texas Oscar Carrillo told police he was kidnapped and thata the kidnappers torched his car. Turns out he was behind on his car payments and did not want a repossesion on his record. Investigators discovered that Carrillo’s cell phone records showed that he made a total of five calls during the time he said he was kidnapped. It was also found that Carrillos vehicle had a past due balance of $3,275 and had been authorized for repossession on March 15. Police then determined that Carrillo intentionally set his car on fire and filed a false report to cover up his actions. They threw him in jail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Christina Re: Where does spam come from? Dear Webby Where does all the spam come from? When I look up the IP numbers, I see Chinese servers, but that does not make sense at all. Christina Dear Garry Dear Christina What you saw were dumb relays in China. Some Chinese servers make money by allowing spammers to send their spam through them to disguise the origin, and some of them are simply so incompetent that they don't even notice it when spammers do that. They don't really care anyway. It's no big deal to them if the US loses a Billion Dollars in productivity every week because people have to waste time on getting rid of spam. There is no point in getting sidetracked with the misdirections. If we block China, then the spammers will just relay through Africa. What you have to look at is who paid the geeks to send the spam through China to you. It's the fake Rollex seller a few houses over from you, and the pill pusher across the street from the church, and that annoying yuppie insurance broker next door to Gramma's house. You have to look at who would benefit if you fell for the spam. Those are the real culprits. The FTC could easily find them, if they wanted to, or if they were encouraged enough. PayPal and the credit card companies will quite cheerfully comply with a subpoena and reveal who the beneficiary of an order was. They don't like spam either. In the meantime, just use >From Debbie I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled. Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?" So I told her I had changed my mind and walked out.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ground Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms with Bell Peppers This is a healthy and delicious side dish! I am not a fan of vegetables but when incorporated with turkey and shrimp, it is very good! Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Total Time: 55 minutes Yield: 4 people By 15mhhm15 [111 Posts, 357 Comments] Category Main Dishes Vote for this contest contender! 0 Share Pin 0 Save Follow More This is a healthy and delicious side dish! I am not a fan of vegetables but when incorporated with turkey and shrimp, it is very good! Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Total Time: 55 minutes Yield: 4 people Ground Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms with Bell Peppers Ingredients: 1 lb ground turkey 1 pack mushrooms 1/2 lb shrimp 8 sweet bell peppers 2 tomatoes 1 tsp oyster sauce 2 Tbsp fish sauce 3 stem garlic 3 stem green onions 1/2 tsp salt 1/2 tsp pepper 4 Tbsp vegetable oil 2 cups water Steps: Peel off the shell of the shrimp and mince to a paste. Set aside. Wash and cut mushrooms. Remove the stem. Wash and cut sweet bell peppers, green onion, and tomatoes. Now open the package of ground turkey and mix together with the shrimp paste that you earlier set aside. Add green onions, dash of salt and pepper. Now ready to stuff mushrooms with the mixture of ground turkey and shrimp. Scoop spoonful into the mushrooms. Get a pan, add vegetable oil on medium heat and crush the garlic to fry. Once the garlic is golden brown add the mushroom face the meat down first until meat is brown and flip over. Cook each side for about 5 minutes each. Add fish sauce and water, oyster sauce, and cook for another 5 minutes. Then when the water is boiling, add tomatoes, and bell peppers and cook for another 10 minutes.
No parachute sky dive
____________________________________________________ A prospective juror was being questioned by the District Attorney for a murder trial that had been in all the papers. "If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime ?" "Well, no." replied the man. "But I could do it on Saturday, if that would be OK." ___________________________________________________
Beautiful hand carved wooden bowls.
Thanks to Sue for this story: Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought it was a fart........... but I was wrong."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

Today, on May 12
1588 King Henry III fled Paris after Henry of Guise
triumphantly entered the city. 

1780 Charleston, South Carolina fell to British forces. 

1847 William Clayton invented the odometer. 

1870 Manitoba entered the Confederation as a Canadian

1881 Tunisia, in North Africa became a French protectorate.

1885 In the Battle of Batoche, French Canadians rebelled
against the Canadian government. 

1926 The airship Norge became the first vessel to fly over
the North Pole. 

1926 In Britain, a general strike by trade unions ended.
The strike began on May 3, 1926. 

1937 Britain's King George VI was crowned at Westminster

1940 The Nazi conquest of France began with the German army
crossing Muese River. 

1942 The Soviet Army launched its first major offensive of
World War II and took Kharkov in the eastern Ukraine from
the German army. 

1943 The Axis forces in North Africa surrendered during
World War II. 

1949 The Soviet Union announced an end to the Berlin

1957 A.J. Foyt won his first auto racing victory in Kansas
City, MO. 

1965 West Germany and Israel exchanged letters establishing
diplomatic relations. 

1975 U.S. merchant ship Mayaguez was seized by Cambodian
forces in international waters. 

1978 The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
announced that they would no longer exclusively name
hurricanes after women. 

1982 South Africa unveiled a plan that would give voting
rights to citizens of Asian and mixed-race descent, but not
to blacks. 

1984 South African prisoner Nelson Mandela saw his wife for
the first time in 22 years. 

2002 Former U.S. President Carter arrived in Cuba for a
visit with Fidel Castro. It was the first time a U.S. head
of state, in or out of office, had gone to the island since
Castro's 1959 revolution. 

2003 In Texas, fifty-nine Democratic lawmakers went into
hiding over a dispute with Republican's over a
congressional redistricting plan. 

2015 It was announced that Verizon would be acquiring AOL
because their way of dealing with complaints without
getting sued really impressed Verizon. 

2017  smiled.

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Ecel Clipboard nuisance 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 11

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
‘One of the world’s dumbest criminals’ caught 
stealing from Iniana sheriff, while on video.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 11 in
0330 Constantinople, previously the town of Byzantium, 
was founded.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. Marilyn Manson (1969 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Fannie: My friend was always teasing me about cybersex and trying o lead me on. One day he wrote me a really racy letter so I decided to "call his bluff". Forgetting I'd deleted his letter out of habit, I accidentally responded to my Recipe Du Jour list instead and wrote: "Thanks a lot. Now I can't get any work done. My panties are wet from the anticipation of your next email." A gentleman wrote back: "Sorry, I didn't realize my salsa had such an effect." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Mary While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring. "I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked. "Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the dog!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jack Steele Jr., 38, Rising Sun, Indiana ‘One of the world’s dumbest criminals’ caught stealing from Iniana sheriff, while on video. A man is facing multiple felony charges after he was caught trying to steal from the Ohio County Indiana Sheriff’s Office. Deputies say surveillance video shows Jack Steele Jr., 38, breaking into the building around 6:40am. He rummaged around the office for nine minutes, stealing a jump pack starter for vehicle batteries, a digital camera, a flashlight and several other items. Steele had been brought to another area of the sheriff’s office building after an DWI investigation. He had been told to wait in the foyer for a ride. When his ride arrived, Steele was seen trying to wipe his fingerprints off of the counters before leaving. “This has to rank up there as one of the world’s dumbest criminals,” Sheriff Glen Potts stated. “If anyone from the show ‘World’s Dumbest…’ is watching and needs a video for the criminals episode, I would be more than happy to provide one for them.” ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Garry Re: Excel Clipboard nuisance Dear Webby How do I stop Excel from showing that nuisance history of stuff I have copied before? When copying a whole bunch of cells to new places, that's really a nuisance. Garry Dear Garry Open the Options in the clipboard and uncheck every item in there, then hit the X in the top right hand corner to close it. No more silly clipboard history taking up valuable screen space. Have FUN! DearWebby
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 240 in 4 seconds or less." "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. He is in intensive care now.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Blackberry Coconut Pops By Judy Pariser S. [283 Posts, 2,514 Comments] Total Time: 5 minutes, plus 5 hours refrigerating and freezing time. Yield: 6 pops Source: July/August 2014 Shape magazine Ingredients: 14 oz can unsweetened coconut milk 1/4 cup agave syrup 1/8 tsp sea salt zest of 1/2 lemon (I used dried orange peel and it worked out well) 1/3 cup blackberries, raspberries or blueberries (I used blueberries) Steps: In a bowl, stir the coconut milk, agave syrup, salt and zest. Then stir in the fruit. Refrigerate for AT LEAST an hour to prevent crystals from forming. Put into Popsicle molds and freeze (about 4 hours).
No parachute sky dive
____________________________________________________ >From Fran: After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein- Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." ___________________________________________________
Beautiful hand carved wooden bowls.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

"I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

Today, on May 11
0330 Constantinople, previously the town of Byzantium, was

1573 Henry of Anjou became the first elected king of

1647 Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become

1689 French and English naval battle takes place at Bantry

1745 French forces defeat an Anglo-Dutch-Hanoverian army at

1792 The Columbia River was discovered by Captain Robert

1812 British prime Minster Spencer Perceval was shot by a
bankrupt banker in the lobby of the House of Commons. 

1857 Indian mutineers seized Delhi from the British. 

1858 Minnesota was admitted as the 32nd U.S. state. 

1860 Giuseppe Garibaldi landed at Marsala, Sicily. 

1889 Major Joseph Washington Wham takes charge of $28,000
in gold and silver to pay troops at various points in the
Arizona Territory. The money was stolen in a train robbery.

1894 Workers at the Pullman Palace Car Company in Illinois
went on strike. 

1910 Glacier National Park in Montana was established. 

1934 A severe two-day dust storm stripped the topsoil from
the great plains of the U.S. and created a "Dust Bowl." The
storm was one of many. 

1944 A major offensive was launched by the allied forces in
central Italy. 

1947 The creation of the tubeless tire was announced by the
B.F. Goodrich Company. 

1949 Siam changed its name to Thailand. 

1960 Israeli soldiers captured Adolf Eichmann in Buenos

1967 The siege of Khe Sanh ended. 

1985 More than 50 people died when a flash fire swept a
soccer stadium in Bradford, England. 

1995 The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was extended
indefinitely. The treaty limited the spread of nuclear
material for military purposes. 

1996 An Atlanta-bound ValuJet DC-9 caught fire shortly
after takeoff from Miami and crashed into the Florida
Everglades. All 110 people on board were killed. 

1997 Garry Kasparov, world chess champion, lost his first
ever multi-game match. He lost to IBM's chess computer Deep
Blue. It was the first time a computer had beaten a world-
champion player. 

1998 India conducted its first underground nuclear tests,
three of them, in 24 years. The tests were in violation of
a global ban on nuclear testing. 

1998 A French mint produced the first coins of Europe's
single currency. The coin is known as the euro. 

2001 U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced his
decision to approve a 30-day delay of the execution of
convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh. McVeigh had
been scheduled to be executed on May 16, 2001. The delay
was because the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) had
failed to disclose thousands of documents to McVeigh's
defense team. (Oklahoma)

2017  smiled.

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Lots optical illusion site 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 10

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:

Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 10 in
1503 Christopher Columbus discovered the 
Cayman Islands. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. --- Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005) A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. --- Edgar Watson Howe ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro Disney. Reason: after last evenings fireworks display the soldiers at a nearby French army garrison surrendered to the illegal immigrants camping outside the garrison. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ From Kati: Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." ______________________________________________________ >From Funk They learn early how to snore through Pastor Pauls sermons. ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Yogesh Patel, 36, Salem, New Hampshire Salem store owner, employee charged with vandalizing cars The owner of a local convenience store is charged with vandalizing several cars parked in front of his business. Yogesh Patel, 36, owner of M&N Borderline Discount at 540 S. Broadway, called authorities at 8:37 p.m. on Friday and reported multiple cars parked illegally in front of his store, according to police. Police arrived to find 10 cars in the parking lot that had one or more tires deflated. Upon further investigation, officers determined that Patel and a store employee, Deepakkumar Patel, 43, called police to report the illegally parked cars, then walked outside and drilled holes in more than 20 tires. While investigating the incident, police said they recovered video surveillance footage from the store that shows the two men vandalizing the cars and the drill they allegedly used. Police said Sunday that both men were arrested and charged with falsifying physical evidence and conspiracy to commit criminal mischief in excess of $1,500. They were released on $5,000 cash bail and are scheduled to be arraigned in 10th Circuit Court in Salem on June 28. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Cookie Re: Bad link Dear Webby I used to go to this site, but now my link does not work anymore. michaelbach.de/ot Is it dead? Thaks Cookie Dear Cookie It is alive and well. Click on this link: Optical Illusions Have FUN! DearWebby
From Yinpumpkin A three year old little boy was examining his genitals while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Outlet Making Crackling Popping Noise The plug socket is making a popping/crackling noise. Then it stops and seems as if has gone back to normal. How safe is it? By Phill
NO! Don't touch it! If crackling in an outlet mystifies you, then you need to call an electrician or at least a handyman. Otherwise you are likely to burn down your house and maybe kill somebody. An electrician is a lot cheaper than a mortician. It is a cheap and fast fix for somebody, who has studied that, and most likely you will just have to pay for the traveling time. Have FUN! DearWebby
Max is Trump supporter (sent by Rita)
____________________________________________________ It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home. The last guest was sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant owner. "I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?" "No way!" answered the owner cheerfully. "Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!" ___________________________________________________
Dirty car art.
From Kati: THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS: Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? Someone who sits up all night, wondering if there is a dog or not.

Today, on May 10
1503 Christopher Columbus discovered the Cayman Islands. 

1676 Bacon's Rebellion, which pits frontiersmen against the
government, began. 

1768 The imprisonment of the journalist John Wilkes as an
outlaw provoked violence in London. Wilkes was returned to
parliament as a member for Middlesex. 

1773 The English Parliament passed the Tea Act, which taxed
all tea in the U.S. colonies. It did not go over well.

1774 Louis XVI ascended the throne of France. 

1775 Ethan Allen and Colonel Benedict Arnold led an attack
on the British Fort Ticonderoga and captured it from the

1796 Napoleon Bonaparte won a brilliant victory against the
Austrians at Lodi bridge in Italy. 

1840 Mormon leader Joseph Smith moved his band of followers
to Illinois to escape the hostilities they had experienced
in Missouri. 

1857 The Seepoys of India revolted against the British

1865 Confederate President Jefferson Davis was captured by
Union troops near Irvinville, GA. 

1869 Central Pacific and Union Pacific Rail Roads meet in
Promontory, UT. A golden spike was driven in at the
celebration of the first transcontinental railroad in the

1876 Richard Wagner’s "Centennial Inaugural March" was
heard for the first time at the Centennial Exposition in
Philadelphia, PA. 

1898 A vending machine law was enacted in Omaha, NE. It
cost $5,000 for a permit. 

1908 The first Mother's Day observance took place during a
church service in Grafton, West Virginia. 

1924 J. Edgar Hoover was appointed head of the Federal
Bureau of Investigation. 

1927 The Hotel Statler in Boston, MA. became the first
hotel to install radio headsets in each of its 1,300 rooms.

1928 WGY-TV in Schenectady, NY, began regular television

1930 The Adler Planetarium opened to the public in Chicago,

1933 The Nazis staged massive public book burnings in

1940 Germany invaded Belgium, France, the Netherlands, and

1941 England's House of Commons was destroyed by a German
air raid. 

1941 Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's deputy, parachuted into
Scotland on what he claimed was a peace mission. He was
imprisoned for 50 years.

1942 U.S. forces in the Philippines began to surrender to
the Japanese. 

1943 U.S. troops invaded Attu in the Aleutian Islands to
expel the Japanese. 

1960 The U.S.S. Triton completed the first circumnavigation
of the globe under water. The trip started on February 16. 

1962 Marvel Comics published the first issue of "The
Incredible Hulk." 

1968 Preliminary Vietnam peace talks began in Paris. 

1969 The National and American Football Leagues announced
their plans to merge for the 1970-71 season. 

1978 Britain's Princess Margaret and the Earl of Snowdon
announced they were divorcing after 18 years of marriage. 

1982 Elliott Gould made his dramatic television debut after
30 movies in 17 years. He starred in "The Rules of
Marriage" on CBS-TV. 

1994 Nelson Mandela was sworn in as South Africa’s first
black president. 

1997 An earthquake in northeastern Iran killed at least
2,400 people. 

1999 China broke off talks on human rights with the U.S. in
response to NATO's accidental bombing of the Chinese
Embassy in Yugoslavia. 

1999 The Cezanne painting "Still Life With Curtain, Pitcher
and Bowl of Fruit" sold for 60.5 million. 

2000 11,000 residents were evacuated in Los Alamos, NM, due
to a fire that was blown into a canyon. The fire had been
deliberately set to clear brush. 

2001 Boeing Co. announced that it would be moving its
headquarters to Chicago, IL. 

2001 In Ghana, 121 people were killed in a stampede at a
soccer game. 

2002 Robert Hanssen was sentenced to life in prison with no
chance for parole. Hanssen, an FBI agent, had sold U.S.
secrets to Moscow for $1.4 million in cash and diamonds. 

2002 Taiwan test fired a locally made Sky Bow II surface-
to-air missile for the first time. They also fired three
U.S.-made Hawk missiles. 

2002 Dr. Pepper announced that it would be introducing a
new flavor, Red Fusion, for the first time in 117 years. 

2011 It was announced that Microsoft had closed a deal to
purchase the internet phone service Skype for $8.5 billion
to ensure, that Google would not get it.

2013 In New York, NY, crane operators hoisted the final
pieces of the spire atop One World Trade Center (formerly
called the Freedom Tower).

2017  smiled.

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Is there really a lot of spyware out there? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 9

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC Woman passed out behind wheel atr 10 am
with lice covered toddler in backseat
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 9 in
1429 Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English 
at Orleans.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas. The poor little commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky. The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry. Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot will become hysterical." ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Anni was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for $39. She walked in and plunked her money on the table. The travel agent grabbed her, tied her to a wooden pallet and threw her into the river out back. Terri walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to a wooden pallet and thrown into the river out back. The current was swift, so she caught up with Anni and they both floated together for a while. Terri asked, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?" Anni said,. . . "They didn't last time." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Chet The joke about the modern art reminded me of an occasion when my cousin was painting in his studio when I walked in. I asked him what he was calling the work, and he said he had not made up his mind. I said "Why don't you call it HELL" He said why would he call it HELL?" I said "Well, it looks like HELL to me." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Lillemor for her picture of her Escape Roses. Watch how they are growing through the hedge and try to run away! Lillemoreès Escape Roses ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Lori Dianne Lawson, 39, Roebuck, South Carolina SC Woman passed out behind wheel atr 10 am with lice covered toddler in backseat A woman is accused of passing out in the driver’s seat with a 2-year-old girl in the backseat, according to a Spartanburg Sheriff’s Office report. The report says she was “grossly intoxicated under the influence of alcohol.” Deputies were called to the 900 block of Blackstock Rd. around 10:33 a.m. on 5/5. Before they got there, EMS had transported the woman, identified as Lori Dianne Lawson, 39, of Roebuck, and the little girl to the hospital. The Paramedic said they got a call about a person passed out in a vehicle. They beat on the window several times before the woman woke up. The paramedic says Lawson had slurred speech and he could smell alcohol coming from her. They also saw the small child in the backseat. They say the child’s head was covered in lice. Both were taken for medical evaluation to Spartanburg Regional. The report says she had slurred speech and had a hard time completing sentences. They asked what the child’s birth date was, she paused and said 2013. She then changed it to 2014, according to the report. Lawson, 39 is charged with unlawful neglect of a child, and the child has been placed in emergency protective custody with DSS. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jerome From: Ossie Re: Is the spyware threat serious? Dear Webby So many people talk about spyware these days. Is it really that common? Ossie Dear Ossie That all depends on whether your machine is protected or not. A recent study reported that 53% of those surveyed had experienced some sort of spyware or other malicious file infection. This number increased to a whopping 80% when the respondents' computers were scanned, meaning an additional 27% of the respondents computers were infected and they didn't even know it. Considering that excellent programs like Spybot-Search&Destroy from the side menu here are free, it's rather silly not to protect your machine. If you have any valuable information on your computer, then you might consider spending a bit of money on some professional grade protection, like Malwarebytes. You may have noticed that the Monday Humor Letter was unusually late. That was because late Sunday night a Bot- Net organized 230,000 infected computers, just like yours, and possibly including yours, to attack the Humor Letter blog. Well, the Webby server is quite a powerful machine, with 64 GB of RAM. Not 2 or 4, but 64 GB. All those attackers trying to post spam to the blog of course were told where to stuff it, and how. They were trying to overload the server so that they could get in and mess with it, like they do all the time with Government or Yahoo servers. Well, thanks to the blog set to refuse stupid ads, the server handled that attack with just barely slowing down. I noticed that, of course, and put an end to that attack. Unfortunately, the blog logged an error message for every time the blog told the attackers where to go. That filled the 4TB drive on which the blog and the Humor Letter sit. And the mail program too. It took till this morning, until Natalie, in Ukraine, found the bloated log of the Humor Letter blog. Once that was deleted, everything worked again like nothing had ever happened. So, yes, Spyware and malware definitely IS out there. I personally noticed those 230,000 infected machines last night. There are probably a hundred Million infected computers out there. The infected computers are not only used in Bot-Nets, of course, but also harvested for all kinds of information. They are usually not interested in bank information, except how much you got in the bank, because they would be caught and the bank would rip the money back, including their pants. They harvest your email addresses and sell them to spammers, and of course anything, that they can sell. Once they are in, they OWN your machine. Use at least Spybot-Search & Destroy, or if you have valuable data on your machine, hit the big blue Malwarebytes link. Have FUN! DearWebby
Keli: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table. Greg: She's a hooker. Keli: How can you be so sure? Greg: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the neckline down to the navel, and those high heels. Keli: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look lke a hooker? Greg: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com How Can I Tenderize Beef Brisket? By Donna [2 Posts] Best Answer After years of experimenting with brisket, I finally begged a friend to share her brisket cooking secrets. No secret ingredients, in fact no ingredients at all. Put the brisket in a pan, seal up the top tight with foil. At bedtime, put the oven in 260 degree oven. In the morning, turn the oven off and let the brisket just sit in there another 2 hours. Tender and scrumptious everytime.
looking for fish - seagul vs dolphin
____________________________________________________ After a frantic caller told the Battle Creek, Michigan, Humane Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, the shelter manager, Mike Pearson, rushed right over. Mike inched his way out over nearly 100 feet of ice. As onlookers stood by, he carefully made his way to the ducks, and, thankfully, back to safety on the shore. Both of the wooden decoys are expected to survive. ___________________________________________________
I would like to spend a week each in all of these castles.
PRINCIPLES OF JEWISH BUDDHISM 1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders. 2. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. 3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. 4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? 5. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? 6. If there is no Self, whose arthritis is this? 7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. 8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. 9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third sip, Danish. 10. Be patient and achieve all things. Haggle and get them cheaper. 11. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are 10,000 flowers. Each flower blossoms 10,000 times. Each blossom has 10,000 petals. You might want to see a specialist. 12. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? 13. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it: "(we rarely find the right exit)."

Today, on May 9
1429 Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English at Orleans.

1502 Christopher Columbus left Spain for his final trip to
the Western Hemisphere. 

1671 Thomas "Captain" Blood stole the crown jewels from the
Tower of London. 

1754 The first newspaper cartoon in America showed a
divided snake "Join or die" in "The Pennsylvania Gazette." 

1785 Joseph Bramah patented the beer-pump handle. 

1825 The Chatham Theatre opened in New York City. It was
the first gas-lit theater in America. 

1901 In Australia, the Duke of Cornwall and York declared
the First Commonwealth Parliament open. 

1904 The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro
became the first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per

1915 German and French forces fought the Battle of Artois. 

1926 Americans Richard Byrd and Floyd Bennett became the
first men to fly an airplane over the North Pole. 

1936 Fascist Italy took Addis Abba and annexed Ethiopia. 

1936 The first sheet of postage stamps of more than one
variety went on sale in New York City. 

1941 The German submarine U-110 was captured at sea by
Britain's Royal navy. 

1945 U.S. officials announced that the midnight
entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately. 

1946 King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy abdicated and was
replaced by Umberto. 

1955 West Germany joined NATO. 

1960 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved
for sale an oral birth-control pill for the first time. 

1962 A laser beam was successfully bounced off Moon for the
first time. 

1974 The House Judiciary Committee began formal hearings on
the Nixon impeachment. 

1978 The bullet-riddled body of former Italian Prime
Minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in the center
of Rome. The Red Brigades had abducted him. 

1980 A Liberian freighter hit the Sunshine Skyway Bridge
over Tampa Bay in Florida. 35 motorists were killed and a
1,400-foot section of the bridge collapsed. 

1994 Nelson Mandela was chosen to be South Africa's first
black president. 

1996 In video testimony to a courtroom in Little Rock, AR,
U.S. President Clinton insisted that he had nothing to do
with a $300,000 loan in the criminal case against his
former Whitewater partners. 

2002 In Bethlehem, West Bank, a deal was reached that would
end the 38-day standoff at the Church of the Nativity.
Thirteen suspected militants were to be deported to several
different countries. The standoff had begun on April 2,

2002 In Kaspiisk, Russia, 39 people were killed and at
least 130 were injurde when a remote-controlled bomb
exploded during a holiday parade. 

2002 In Bahrain, people were allowed to vote for
representatives for the first time in nearly 30 years.
Women were allowed to vote for the first time in the
country's history.

2017  smiled.

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Is refilling illegal or does it void the warranty? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 8

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Oklahoma teacher arrested  with Heroin, meth,
40 syringes in her purse
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 8 in
1794 Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was
the French chemist, who discovered oxygen and helped set
up the Metric system.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale. But I s'pose someone who don't read so good, prolly can't afford a horse ?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother." Secretary: "Tell your mother that you flunked 'lying', and that you will have to pick up garbage around the school until you fill two bags. AFTER school. You better get your lazy butt to school RIGHT NOW, or else I am calling the cops and report you as truant!" ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Megan Sloan, 27, Sapulpa, Oklahoma Oklahoma teacher arrested with Heroin, meth, 40 syringes in her purse A second-grade teacher in Oklahoma was arrested on drug and embezzlement charges on Monday when police found dozens of needles, heroin, meth and Suboxone in her purse, according to an affidavit. Court records show another teacher reported Megan Sloan, 27, to Holmes Park Elementary administrators after Sloan left her Facebook account open on another teacher’s computer. The teacher had reportedly read a message in which Sloan detailed how she pawned school items and sold heroin. Once those details came to light, school administrators contacted authorities who came to the school to question Sloan. They say she confessed to using the drugs before they even searched her purse and found heroin. She says her kids have never had access to her purse, Sapulpa Police Lieutenant Philip Diehl told local affiliate KWTV. This particular morning the purse was left in the classroom, because as soon as she arrived at work she was called down to the office, and so she set her purse down and left. Diehl said they found multiple, maybe 40 syringes, some empty, inside her purse. Police say she is also suspected of using students field trip money and selling school-issued iPads to pay for drugs. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jerome Re: Is ink refilling illegal and does it void warranty? Dear Webby Is ink refillilling illegal and does it really void the warranty? Jerome Dear Jerome No it is not illegal, and it does not void any warrantly. Using a refill kit as instructed or using either a remanufactured or compatible ink cartridge does not void a warranty according to federal law: (section 2302(c) of the Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act). If you see any claims to the contrary, and it does not show "except where prohibited by law", then they can't mess with your warranty. In the US it is prohibited by law to mess with your warranty, just because you used equivalent or better ink. Don't let them scare you. If you see any illegal threats regarding your warranty, just ignore them. Have FUN! DearWebby
The teacher was asking the kids where they were going to go for their summer vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked him. "We're going to visit my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, since I am probably going to flunk this class, most likely I'll be going to Balconia, or maybe the wood shed."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kill Aphids By Donna Lusk [5 Posts, 3 Comments] February 24, 2012 1 found this helpful Best Answer get a large spray bottle big enough to hold the followig ingredients: 1 cup vegetable oil or white mineral oil 2 cups water 2 teaspoons bleach free dish soap Add all ingredients to spray bottle and shake well before each use because the oil separates from the soap mixture once it sits for a bit. When spraying your plants, bushes etc... be sure you spray under the leaves and on any new growth as that is where the aphids love to hide and eat. This works excellent for us and I hope it will do the same for you. Be sure not to add more soap than required as it can kill your plants. Donna L. Watauga, TX
clarinet from carrot
____________________________________________________ >From Rollie: While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. Naturally my eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in now?" ___________________________________________________
I love the "Over the shoulder look."
>From Mary F My son from California who was visiting this weekend tells me that there were a couple of terrorists who had made it into the US and were having coffee in San Francisco when one of them started conversing in Arabic. The other cautioned him and then reminded him, "We are in the California now. Speak in Spanish."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . " The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

Today, on May 8
1096 Peter the Hermit and his army reached Hungary. They
passed through without incident. 

1450 Jack Cade's Rebellion-Kentishmen revolted against
King Henry VI. 

1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River. He
called it Rio de Espiritu Santo. 

1794 Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was
the French chemist that discovered oxygen and helped set
up the Metric system. 

1794 The United States Post Office was established. 

1846 The first major battle of the Mexican War was fought.
The battle occurred in Palo Alto, TX. 

1847 The rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thompson. 

1879 George Selden applied for the first automobile

1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what
would later be called "Coca-Cola." 

1904 U.S. Marines landed in Tangier to protect the Belgian

1914 The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that
designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 

1919 The first transatlantic flight took-off by a navy

1921 Sweden abolished capital punishment. 

1933 Gandhi began a hunger strike to protest British
oppression in India. 

1943 The Germans suppressed a revolt by Polish Jews and
destroyed the Warsaw Ghetto. 

1945 U.S. President Harry Truman announced that World War
II had ended in Europe. 

1956 Alfred E. Neuman appeared on the cover of "Mad
Magazine" for the first time. 

1958 U.S. President Eisenhower ordered the National Guard
out of Little Rock as Ernest Green became the first black
to graduate from an Arkansas public school. 

1960 Diplomatic relations between Cuba and the Soviet
Union resumed. 

1970 Construction workers broke up an anti-war protest on
New York City's Wall Street. 

1973 Militant American Indians who had held the South
Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered. 

1984 The Soviet Union announced that they would not
participate in the 1984 Summer Olympics Games in Los

1985 "New Coke" was released to the public on the 99th
anniversary of Coca-Cola. it was a dud.

1986 Reporters were told that 84,000 people had been
evacuated from areas near the Chernobyl nuclear plant in

1998 A pipe burst leaving a million residents without
water in Malaysia's capital area. This added to four days
of shortages that 2 million already faced. 

1999 The first female cadet graduated from The Citadel
military college. 

2017  smiled.

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Letter writing shortcut on the desktop 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 7

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man, who ran worlds largest child-pornography 
website gets 30 years
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 7 in
1429 The English siege of Orleans was broken by 
Joan of Arc. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Mistakes are the portals of discovery. --- James Joyce (1882 - 1941) I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic. --- Lisa Alther ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and ask for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays" The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Luigi Feniello ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Steven W. Chase, 58, Naples, Florida Man, who ran worlds largest child-pornography website gets 30 years A Florida man identified by federal prosecutors as the creator and lead administrator of what’s thought to be the world’s largest child-pornography website has been sentenced to 30 years in prison. The FBI said in a news release Friday that 58-year-old Steven W. Chase of Naples, Florida, was sentenced this week in a federal courtroom in North Carolina. Two co-defendants who also were identified as administrators of the website each received 20-year prison terms earlier this year. According to the FBI, Chase created a website called Playpen in August 2014 on an open internet network where users can communicate anonymously through “hidden service” websites. Chase ran Playpen, which the FBI said had more than 150,000 users around the world. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Glenis Re: Letter shortcut on desktop Dear Webby I saw one of the IT guys click on an icon and an already addressed email opened up. He just put some quick comments into the body of the email and fired it off. I didn't want to ask him and appear stupid, especially since those guys can't explain anything anyway. I take information by phone and then fire quotes by email to the four salespeople. I know YOU can explain how to do that. Thanks Glenis Dear Glenis Right-click on a free spot on the desktop's edge, New Shortcut and into the location field type: mailto:johnnie@company.com?subject="Quote # 123456" For the shortcut name, use johnie or whatever the name of that salesperson is. Hit OK until you are out of it and it's ready to use. With the Quote number, just use all but the last 3 digits. Those you'll fill in manually when you send the email. Once you have those shortcuts made for all four, make or find four different icons, that are suitable for those four people, and change their shortcut icons to those. Done. Have FUN! DearWebby
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Ice Last Longer Cover the ice in a picnic cooler with foil to help it last longer. Keep water in your canteen cooler by wrapping the canteen in foil. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com
If you REALLY want to cool a canteen, use a sawed off leg of old jeans, sewed closed at the bottom and the top cut and re-inforced like shopping bag handles. Soak the pant leg, put the canteen into it and hang it from a side mirror or front bumper or grill. As the wind evaporates the water, it sucks heat out of the canteen. Long socks work too, but you will wind up with ice in the canteen if you drive too fast. That is the reason why military canteens used to be covered with cotton cloth. Have FUN! DearWebby
horse won't leave reporter alone
____________________________________________________ >From Alice: On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me." ___________________________________________________
Beautiful gentle giants.
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 7
0558 The Dome Of The Church Of St. Sophia In
Constantinople Collapsed. It Was Immediately Rebuilt As
Ordered By Justinian. 

1429 The English Siege Of Orleans Was Broken By Joan Of

1525 The German Peasants' Revolt Was Crushed By The Ruling
Class And Church. 

1763 Indian Chief Pontiac Began All Out War On The British
In New York. 

1912 The First Airplane Equipped With A Machine Gun Flew
Over College Park, Md. 

1915 The Lusitania, A Civilian Ship Carrying Poison Gas,
Was Sunk By A German Submarine. 1,201 People Were Killed. 

1926 A U.S. Report Showed That One-Third Of The Nation's
Exports Were Motors. 

1937 The German Condor Legion Arrived In Spain To Assist
Franco’S Forces. 

1939 Germany And Italy Announced A Military And Political
Alliance Known As The Rome-Berlin Axis. 

1940 Winston Churchill Became British Prime Minister. 

1942 In The Battle Of The Coral Sea, Japanese And American
Navies Attacked Each Other With Carrier Planes. It Was The
First Time In The History Of Naval Warfare Where Two Enemy
Fleets Fought Without Seeing Each Other. 

1943 The Last Major German Strongholds In North Africa,
Tunis And Bizerte, Fell To Allied Forces. 

1945 Germany Signed Unconditional Surrender Ending World
War Ii. It Would Take Effect The Next Day. 

1946 Tokyo Telecommunications Engineering Corp. Was
Founded. The Company Was Later Renamed Sony. 

1951 Russia Was Admitted To Participate In The 1952
Olympic Games By The International Olympic Committee. 

1954 French Colonial Forces Surrendered To The Vietminh At
Dien Bien Phu After 55 Days Of Fighting.

1954 The United States And The United Kingdom Rejected The
Soviet Union's Bid To Join Nato. 

1958 Howard Johnson Set An Aircraft Altitude Record In F-

1960 Leonid Brezhnev Became President Of The Soviet Union.

1975 U.S. President Ford Declared An End To The Vietnam

1984 A $180 Million Out-Of-Court Settlement Was Announced
In The Agent Orange Class-Action Suit Brought By Vietnam
Veterans Who Claimed They Had Suffered Injury From
Exposure To The Defoliant While Serving In The Armed

1992 A 203-Year-Old Proposed Constitutional Amendment
Barring The U.S. Congress From Giving Itself A Midterm Pay
Raise Was Ratified As The 27th Amendment. 

1994 The Edvard Munch Painting "The Scream" Was Recovered
After Being Stolen 3 Months Earlier From An Oslo Museum.
This Version Of "The Scream", One Of Four Different
Versions, Was Painted On Paper. 

1996 The Trial Of Serbian Police Officer Dusan Tadic
Opened In The Netherlands. He Was Later Convicted On
Murder-Torture Charges And Was Sentenced To 20 Years In

1997 A Report Released By The U.S. Government Said That
Switzerland Provided Nazi Germany With Equipment And
Credit During World War Ii. Germany Exchanged For Gold
That Had Been Plundered Or Stolen. Switzerland Did Not
Comply With Postwar Agreements To Return The Gold. 

1998 Daimler-Benz Bought Chrysler Corp. For Close To $40
Billion. It Was The Largest Industrial Merger On Record. 

1999 A Jury Ruled That "The Jenny Jones Show" And Warner
Bros. Were Liable In The Shooting Death Of Scott Amedure.
He Was Killed By Another Guest On The Show. The Jury's
Award Was $25 Million. 

1999 In Belgrade, Yugoslavia, Three Chinese Citizens Were
Killed And 20 Were Wounded When A Nato Plane Mistakenly
Bombed The Chinese Embassy. 

1999 In Guinea-Bissau, The Government Of President João
Bernardo Vieira Was Ousted In A Military Coup. 

2003 In Washington, Dc, General Motors Corp. Delivered Six
Fuel Cell Vehicles To Capitol Hill For Lawmakers And
Others To Test Drive During The Next Two Years. 

2017  smiled.

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What is defragging all about? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 6

Thank you, Mildred!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman arrested after she said she fired gun to 
scare teen she caught raping neighbor’s dog
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 6 in
1527 German troops began sacking Rome, 
bringing about the end of the Renaissance. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening. --- Barbara Tober Traditions are standardized ways of dealing with situations that have been experienced by others before. ---Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Walter from Stonecarver.com for this one: heard a good one: Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?" I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing against yourself. This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, "Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself? We checked out that night. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Georgiagirl for this joke: Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America." Mujibar said, "I is ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I is ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone, she goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and I say, 'Yellow, this is Mr Mujibar.'" Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works for your phone company's Help Desk. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kerrie Lenkerd, 40, Centerton, Arkansas Woman arrested after she said she fired gun to scare teen she caught raping neighbor’s dog Police arrested an Arkansas woman last week after she allegedly shot at a 14-year-old boy whom she accused of trying to rape a neighbor’s dog. Kerrie Lenkerd, 40, was arrested on Tuesday, April 25, according to an arrest warrant. She is facing a charge of felony aggravated assault. On Monday, April 17, Centerton police talked to Lenkerd, who said that she spotted the teenager out her window in her neighbor’s yard. She told police that the boy was in his boxers and he was sexually assaulting the neighbor’s dog, according to KFSM-TV. Lenkerd said the boy has done this before, so she took a gun from her safe and approached him and ordered him to get on the ground, the warrant states. She said the boy jumped the fence and so she went after him and fired a shot into the ground to scare him. She said the boy ran away leaving behind some clothes and an iPad. Officers spoke to several neighbors who said they heard the gunshot and then spotted the boy running away, the document states. The following day, officers spoke to the boy, who said Lenkerd came around and pointed a gun at him and told him to put his hands up, the warrant states. He said he didn’t see her carrying a badge so he jumped the fence and ran away in his underwear. He said Lenkerd fired a shot about five or 10 seconds after he jumped the fence. The boy told police that when he got home he changed clothes and told his mom a false story before meeting with officers. Lenkerd was taken to the Benton County Detention Center, where she was held on a $5,000 bond. -------------------- I really sympathise with her, but when a perp is fleeing and no threat, then you can't shoot. Since she had his iPad and his pants, there was no need for shooting, especially not after he was beyond the fence. Since cops get in trouble for shooting at a fleeing perp, they won't let civilians get away with that. They will take all her guns and make her a felon, which means no more guns for the rest of her life, and no vactions in Canada or many other fine countries. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Eddie Re: Defragging Dear Webby What is this defragging all about and how does it work? Eddie Dear Eddie Every time a file is opened and changed, it's size changes. When it is saved again, the part that does not fit into the original spot, is placed somewhere else. That is a fragment. Over time, some files will be in bits and pieces all over the place. Naturally, that slows everything down and also can cause reliability problems. A defragger re-unites all the different pieces of each file. After the first time you run a good defragger, it will feel like you had bought a newer and faster computer. Currently the defragger in the Glary Utilities seems to be the best of the free ones. Be careful, though with the rest of the utilities bundled with it and only use them after you have done a full back-up! Have FUN! DearWebby
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Wendy informed the teacher, "Anni has to go to the principal's office." "Do you know why ?", the teacher asked. "Because she's a following person," Wendy replied. "A what?" "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office...'"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Starting a Pussy Willow Plant from a Branch By Ellen You can easily start a pussy willow by rooting one of its branches in water. Pussy willows (like other trees in the willow family) produce a natural rooting hormone that encourages them to root quickly. In fact, if you put cutting from other plants in with the pussy willows that are rooting, the other plants are likely to root faster due to the presence of the rooting hormone. To start a branch in water, select a 12 to 16 inch section that is from 1/2 to 1 inch thick. Remove any leaves that will fall before the water line, and stick the branch in a bucket of water. Store the branch in a cool place out of direct sunlight until some roots emerge. Then transplant the branch outdoors to moist soil. Rooting a Branch in Soil Although pussy willow branches root easily in water, they will take off much faster if you root them directly in moist soil. This is because water roots (roots that have developed in water) are not the same as roots that have developed in soil. Water roots need time to adapt to their new growing conditions in soil, so branches that are rooted this way will take a bit longer to become established. Pussy willow branches can be rooted in pots indoors or directly in the garden as soon as weather permits (danger of frost is past). Have fun! Ellen
horse won't leave reporter alone
____________________________________________________ Did you know that in order to encourage interstate commerce in the US every second state forbids fireworks and you have to go to the next state to get them. You can always tell that you are getting close to a state border when you see those firworks sales huts on the side of the freeway. In Canada fireworks are usually regulated locally but rarely enforced unless somebody does something really stupid. However, in this one town, which shall remain nameless, the local dogooders decided to push for a bylaw banning fireworks, even though the only reported accident was when a city council member had forgotten that her hubby had stashed the fireworks in the barbeque to keep them out of the rain and out of the reach of the kids. An opponent to the proposed fireworks bylaw erected a sign that read: "ALL dogooders should be blown up" The next morning somebody had spray-painted underneath: "That would do them good" ___________________________________________________
http://twistedsifter.com/videos/garip-a ... gt; src="http://webby.com/humor/Barbara1.png" width="263" height="100" border=0 align="left" style="margin-right:20;"> Van Gogh's Starry Night painted on water.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 6
1527 German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the
end of the Renaissance. 

1529 Babur defeated the Afghan Chiefs in the Battle of
Ghagra, India. 

1576 The peace treaty of Chastenoy ended the fifth war of

1682 King Louis XIV moved his court to Versailles, France.

1840 The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in
Great Britain. 

1851 The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John

1851 Linus Yale patented the clock-type lock. 

1877 Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in

1882 The U.S. Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act.
The act barred Chinese immigrants from the U.S. for 10

1889 The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, France,
marking the dedication of the Eiffel Tower. Also at the
exposition was the first automobile in Paris, the

1910 King Edward VII of England died. He was succeeded by
his second son, George V. 

1937 The German airship Hindenburg crashed and burned in
Lakehurst, NJ. Thirty-six people (of the 97 on board) were

1941 Joseph Stalin assumed the Soviet premiership. 

1942 During World War II, the Japanese seized control of
the Philippines. About 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on
Corregidor surrendered to the Japanese. 

1945 Axis Sally made her final propaganda broadcast to
Allied troops. 

1957 U.S. Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy was awarded the
Pulitzer Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage". 

1959 The Pablo Picasso painting of a Dutch girl was sold
for $154,000 in London. It was the highest price paid (at
the time) for a painting by a living artist. 

1960 Britain's Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong
Jones. They were divorced in 1978. 

1960 U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act
of 1960. 

1962 The first nuclear warhead was fired from the Polaris

1981 A jury of international architects and sculptors
unanimously selected Maya Ying Lin's entry for the design
of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 

1994 The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel
under the English Channel links England and France. 

1994 Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit
against U.S. President Clinton. The case alleged that he
had sexually harassed her in 1991. 

1997 Army Staff Sgt. Delmar G. Simpson was sentenced to 25
years in prison for raping six trainees at Aberdeen
Proving Ground in Maryland. 

1997 Four health-care companies agreed to a settlement of
$600 million to hemophiliacs who had contracted AIDS from
tainted blood between 1978-1985. 

1999 A parole board in New York voted to release Amy
Fisher. She had been in jail for 7 years for shooting her
lover's wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, in the face. 

2001 Chandra Levy's parents reported her missing to police
in Washington, DC. Levy's body was found on May 22, 2002
in Rock Creek Park. 

2002 "Spider-Man" became the first movie to make more than
$100 million in its first weekend.

2017  smiled.

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Old Clip-art 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 5
Time to wear a bit of red to show your 
support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Arizona Father charged with child abuse after 
using taser on 11 year old son six times in a year
to get him to do his homework.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 5 in
1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his 
second trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named 
the island Santa Gloria. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ History is more or less bunk. --- Henry Ford (1863 - 1947) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A new miracle doctor was in town. He charged $100 in advance, with a full money-back guarantee if his miracle did not cure a person. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor to prove that he wasn't so miraculous. He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. I will keep your $100. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office. ______________________________________________________ Chinese Topiary Gardens ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Darryl Ingram, 49, Goodyear, Arizona Arizona Father charged with child abuse after using taser on 11 year old son six times in a year to get him to do his homework. Bus Driver Asked Boy About Marks on Shoulder. He Says They’re From a ‘Toy’ His Dad’s Been Using. Ingram reportedly tried to trick him into thinking he was using a phone app to punish him, not a real Taser — but the injuries the child suffered were all too real. The 49-year-old father denied using a real Taser on his son, claiming he only used an app on him. The father told police he didn't even have a Taser, but authorities found one and a family member confirmed that Ingram owned it. Ingram then allegedly admitted to police later that he used a real Taser on his son one time. He explained: "I was telling him this is a toy compared to what police use. I just kind of showed him against myself. It basically is like a pinch. It doesn’t deliver much voltage or anything. It does kinda like pinch the skin.” He also described his reason for using it: "If your behavior and the way you’re doing things continues on, somewhere down the line, this is something that is going to be used on you. You have to be obedient.” Ingram has been charged with child abuse for his actions. This isn't the first time Ingram has been investigated for abuse. On another occasion, school officials called child welfare workers to report that the father allegedly hit his son. Court records show that the case was later dismissed. His 11-year-old son has been removed from his custody and is now living with his mother in another state, where the sweet little angel will do his homework without needing a jolt six times a year. -------------------------- Considering that one jolt was not enough and that he needed five reminders throughout the year, some stronger punishment might be necessary. The carpet beater used for dusting my butt worked fairly well, especially with having to hang all the carpets on the fence afterward and having to beat them until they were clean, with all the neighbor kids snickering at a safe distance. By the time we got a vacuum cleaner, I had learned to behave. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Marnie Re: Old clip art Dear Webby I am writing a book for friends with old recipes and need clip-art to decorate it. Where would I find that? Marnie Dear Marnie Try the "Gallery Of Regrettable Food" at Gallery There are all kinds of nowadays funny pictures, from dough-boy-PLUS shaped, pencil-mustachoid chefs, to moms in 40's and 50's style hairdoos messing with dough or old appliances. Some of the pictures need to be touched up, but many of them are quite funny. Check for copyrights Have FUN! DearWebby
>From the Kidd family: TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand." ______________ TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ______________ TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher. _____________ TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me!
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reusing Broken Terra Cotta Planters By Sandra When one of my terra cotta planters crack, or break, I take a hammer and remove the broken side and then place the good half in front of a plant in my garden. I cover the edges of the planter with just enough soil to hide them so it looks like the other half is buried. I love how it appears that the plant is 'growing' out of the half buried planter. And with the broken half that I hammered away from the good half, I hammer the pieces small enough to use in the bottom of another planter for drainage. There is no waste of a terra cotta, or clay pot, at my house. :-) You can glue them back together with white or yellow carpenter`s glue, or cement milk. (Cement and water) Usually that is stronger than original, but if you are worried, you can get the mesh that the sheet rockers use for gypsum board, smear some cement milk in the break area, dip the mesh in cement milk and slap it on. The rest of the pot may get broken some day, but that repair will remain solid. You can also wash the pot with cement milk to give it a grey, rock color appearance. Have FUN! DearWebby
Eagle flight
____________________________________________________ A college freshman, returning home for the summer, was discussing the problems of living at college. He was commenting on the cost of food, power, insurance and the other costs of living that we must all endure. Mom commented back to her son that she knew just how he felt. He got a puzzled look and said “how would you know mom? You still live at home”. ___________________________________________________
Kids are awesome!
Thanks to Dave for this story: After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high- tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Canadian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Canadian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology. ------------------ Yep. That's right. Smoke signals are definitely wireless. To this day half the Government is accusing it the other half, that their posturing is just smoke and mirrors, while those in turn are trying to tax smoking out of Canadian life. However, if everybody stopped smoking, the Government couldn't afford medicare!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 5
1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second
trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa

1798 U.S. Secretary of War William McHenry ordered that
the USS Constitution be made ready for sea. The frigate
was launched on October 21, 1797, but had never been put
to sea. 

1809 Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a
woman. It was for technique for weaving straw with silk
and thread. 

1814 The British attacked the American forces at Ft.
Ontario, Oswego, NY. 

1834 The first mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 

1862 The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as
Cinco de Mayo Day. 

1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing
slavery in the U.S. 

1891 Music Hall was dedicated in New York City. It was
later renamed Carnegie Hall. 

1892 The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese
Exclusion Act for 10 more years. The act required Chinese
in the U.S. to be registered or face deportation. 

1901 The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at
the Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 

1912 Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began

1916 U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 

1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was
arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. 

1926 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in
Germany for the first time. 

1926 Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for

1936 Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on
bottle cap with a pour lip. 

1945 The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi

1945 A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain
in Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed.

1955 The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became
a sovereign state. 

1961 Alan Shepard became the first American in space when
he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. 

1984 The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paraná River between
Brazil and Paraguay. 

1987 The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 4

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Illegal alien from Dominican Republic escaped after
sentencing for murder, then killed one deputy and 
injured another one.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 4 in
1493 Alexander VI divided non-Christian world 
between Spain and Portugal. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes. --- Aaron McGruder ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Annie: Living in Washington State, my husband and I often take car trips to Canada to visit his family. Once when we stopped at the border, the guard asked my husband the value of any goods we would be leaving in Canada. My husband paused to think of the value of the gifts we had with us. "Never mind," the guard said, "What's the most expensive thing in your car?" Without hesitation, my husband replied, "My wife." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husbands face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce." ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Wesley Correa-Carmenaty, 22, Council Bluffs, Iowa Illegal alien from Dominican Republic escaped after sentencing for murder, then killed one deputy and injured another one. The Pottawattamie County deputy killed by an escaped convict has been identified as Mark Burbridge. Deputy Burbridge is a 12-year veteran of the Pottawattamie County Sheriff's Office. Deputy Pat Morgan, a 10 year veteran, was also shot. He is now in stable condition at an Omaha hospital. The deputies were transporting two prisoners from the courthouse and arrived at the jail when the incident occurred. Wesley Correa Carmenaty, 22, assaulted both deputies. Correa Carmenaty was able to take one of the deputies' firearms and shot both deputies. Correa Carmenaty then fled the sally port in the jail van. He crashed through west door of the jail, and left with the van. Phyllis Malm was at the jail visiting her brother and heard the gunshots. “Before the gunshots, you heard a bunch of commotion. Then you heard somebody saying 'he’s got a gun, he’s got a gun and then you heard four shots go off,'” Malm said. “Here comes this van barreling out from the other side, the exit of the garage." At the intersection of 16th and Big Lake Road, Correa Carmenaty stopped the van and attempted to carjack an S10 pickup. The driver, Jerry Brittan, 30, was shot once. His injuries are not life-threatening. Correa Carmenaty carjacked Amy Kanger, 31, near 2500 Ave. of Avenue I. Officials said he forced her back into the Nissan. Kanger was dropped off at 5825 N. 30th at RL Liquor in Omaha. A pursuit ensued involving NSP, DCSO, OPD Traffic, Marshals, Gang Unit, CBPD and Pottawattamie County deputies. The pursuit came to an end when Correa Carmenaty reportedly crashed near I-480 and Cuming Street. He was taken into custody without incident. Correa Carmenaty and two others were charged in the slaying of Anthony Walker during a botched robbery in March 2016. Correa Carmenaty was sentenced Monday after pleading guilty to voluntary manslaughter, attempted murder and two counts of robbery. County Attorney Matt Wilber said Correa Carmenaty was sentenced 45 years in prison with mandatory of 29.5 before parole eligibility. He had his sentencing at 10 a.m. Monday morning. Wilber said Correa Carmenaty wasn’t remorseful during his sentencing. He spoke through an interpreter. Wilber said during sentencing, Correa Carmenaty said that Walker died because he shouldn’t have gotten involved. Correa Carmenaty is facing additional charges of 1st degree murder, attempted murder and kidnapping. Additional charges are pending. He will get free room and board for a long time. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: John E Re: Pints Dear Webby Looki about British measurment's! I have what I believe is an antique pewter tankard, no lid. In Britian it's called a tavern pot. Hallmarked and X'ed for fine pewter. Queen Vic. mark yada yada yada. The problem arises in that it is stamped to a line stating "Imperial pint" that line actually measures an american standard pint. My Bro. outlaw laughs and states that an Imperial pint is greater than ours. What do you in your bearded wisdom think? John E From south of only one boarder. Dear John The US pint is indeed the same as the old Imperial pint and is 0.83, about 4/5th of a modern UK pint. When it comes to measurement units, Americans are loyal subjects of the (royal) British Empire, not of the (democratic) UK. That is why you use the Imperial pint and not the UK pint. Have FUN! DearWebby
>From Annie He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. My biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew. I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his mother used to do.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Extra Measuring Cups with Ingredients Because I bake things often, I have purchased several sets of extra measuring cups and spoons I have found on sale days, I put the usual measure into the container for items like flours, sugars, leavening agents, oatmeal, etc., and leave them there. Saves time and washing, and extra mess because I can keep the bowls over the container while measuring. By Joy Just like you have done with coffee, oatmeal, detergent, etc. all your life. Have FUN! DearWebby
more brawn than brains
____________________________________________________ >From Liz Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." ___________________________________________________
What a lot of imagination and work goes into these beautiful Chinese gardens.
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got the shingles....." She interrupted him and said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got the shingles...." She too interrupted him and took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got the shingles..." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and various other tests. Since she was quite cute, he didn't object at all. Then she told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got the shingles...." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the $20/quarter hour delivery truck. Where do you want me to dump them?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 4
1471 In England, the Yorkists defeated the Landcastrians
at the battle of Tewkesbury in the War of the Roses. 

1493 Alexander VI divided non-Christian world between
Spain and Portugal. 

1626 Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan
Island. Native Americans later sold the island (20,000
acres) for $24 in cloth and buttons. 

1715 A French manufacturer debuted the first folding

1776 Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two
months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.

1814 Napoleon Bonaparte disembarked at Portoferraio on the
island of Elba in the Mediterranean. 

1863 The Battle of Chancellorsville ended when the Union
Army retreated. 

1886 A bomb exploded on the fourth day of a workers'
strike in Chicago, IL. Eight people died in the violence
during violence that day. 

1886 Chichester Bell and Charles S. Tainter patented the
gramophone. It was the first practical phonograph. 

1904 The U.S. formally took control of the property for
construction of the Panama Canal. 

1905 Belmont Park opened in suburban Long Island. It
opened as the largest race track in the world. 

1916 Germany agreed to limit its submarine warfare after a
demand from U.S. President Wilson. 

1942 The Battle of the Coral Sea commenced as American and
Japanese carriers launched their attacks at each other. 

1942 The United States began food rationing. 

1970 The Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on students
during an anti-Vietnam war protest at Kent State
University. Four students were killed and nine others were

1979 Margaret Thatcher became Britain's first woman prime

1981 The Federal Reserve Board raised its discount rate to

1987 Live models were used for the first time in Playtex
bra ads. 

1994 Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO leader
Yasser Arafat signed a historic accord on Palestinian
autonomy that granted self-rule in the Gaza Strip and

2000 The citizens of London elected their mayor for the
first time. 

2003 Idaho Gem was born. He was the first member of the
horse family to be cloned. 

2010 Pablo Picasso's "Nude, Green Leaves and Bust" sold
for $106.5 million. 

2012 In Las Vegas, NV, Google received the first self-
driving vehicle testing license. 

2017  smiled.

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Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 3

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC robber threw stolen gun in trash when chased by cops,
while they watched
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 3 in
1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought. --- John Kenneth Galbraith ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My neighbor's mother-in-law is on AOL. I asked her "Why?" She said that all of her friends are there. So I asked her how much time she spends there. "Oh, about 8 hours a day." "What do you do there for all that time?", I asked. "Mostly just bitch and bellyache about AOL." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Sam and Greg were out deer hunting. Sam was pretty new to this whole deer hunting thing, so Greg had told him all about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc. Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sam heard some noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good friend Greg. Sam rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Sam, "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him, if you had not gutted and cleaned him." ______________________________________________________ Warm Water at -40 ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brian Edwards, 19, Spartanburg, South Carolina SC robber threw stolen gun in trash when chased by cops Spartanburg police arrested a man Friday night outside of Spring Fling after they say officers watched him throw a gun away in a trash can. After police caught the man, they realized the gun was stolen and that the suspect had outstanding warrants. Brian Edwards, 19, of Spartanburg was arrested on charges of armed robbery, unlawful possession of a weapon, and pointing and presenting a firearm. Officers noticed Edwards walking with a firearm near the library on South Church Street. Officers went to approach Edwards when he ran, to which they say he threw a firearm into a trash can at the corner of Broad and S Church St. Other officers apprehended Edwards while they examined the firearm which came back as stolen. The gun was a 9- millimeter Glock with a fully extended clip with one round in the chamber, according to the report. The weapon was stolen from an armed robbery in March, according to Spartanburg County deputies. A man called deputies on March 26th at a Waffle House on Chesnee Highway, to report being robbed at gunpoint. The victim told deputies that two men robbed him of his Iphone and gun. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Richi Re: Scandisk vs Diskkeeper Dear Webby I have simple question...Are Diskkeeper and scan disk the same thing?and how often do you recommend to run it?tyvm for all of your insite and help.its gr8ly appreciated and which one to use? Richi Dear Richi, Scandisk is an old DOS program. Most likely it won`t work on your computer unless you have Windows 98 or older. Diskeeper is a program you can buy, however, if you have any external USB connected drives, don`t bother. It won`t work on those. You will need something from THIS Millennium. Glary Utilities has a free Defragger included. Don`t try the rest of their utilities without first making a complete backup, but their defragger is excellent! Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Dianne for this one: Father Murphy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions." "Scuse me, Father," hollered O'Reilly from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Container Gardening on a Deck By Kenneth Schwab [10 Posts] I am getting older and working on my knees to garden is getting harder for me so I studied up on container gardening and added these colorful items to my deck. When the plants flower and ripen, it will add much more color. By Kenneth S. from Copperas Cove, TX You can use extra buckets 3/4 filled with dirt as pedestals for the actual flower or veggie buckets. That raises them to a more comfortable height and is still nice and stable. Don't put them on top of upside down empty buckets or the first good wind might knock them over. Have FUN! DearWebby
Part ballet, part art
____________________________________________________ A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that." ___________________________________________________
Perfectly timed pictures.
Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce. Lawyer: Are you married? Wife: Yes, of course. Lawyer: Can you afford my fees? $5000 down and 39% of the take, ahem awards? Wife: Yes. Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 3
1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of

1859 France declared war on Austria. 

1888 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Works. 

1916 Irish nationalist Padraic Pearse and two others were
executed by the British for their roles in the Easter

1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 

1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua and stayed until

1926 In Britain, trade unions began a general strike. 

1927 Francis E.J. Wilde of Meadowmere Park, NY, patented
the electric sign flasher. 

1944 Wartime rationing of most grades of meats ended in
the U.S. 

1944 Dr. Robert Woodward and Dr. William Doering produced
the first synthetic quinine at Harvard University. 

1945 Indian forces captured Rangoon, Burma, from the

1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that covenants
prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks and other
minorities were legally unenforceable. 

1952 The first airplane landed at the geographic North

1968 After three days of battle, the U.S. Marines retook
Dai Do complex in Vietnam. They found that the North
Vietnamese had evacuated the area. 

1971 Anti-war protesters began four days of demonstrations
in Washington, DC. 

1971 National Public Radio broadcast for the first time. 

1986 In NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned
Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after
liftoff. Safety officers destroyed it by remote control. 

1988 The White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy
Reagan had used astrological advice to help schedule her
husband's activities. 

1992 Five days of rioting and looting ended in Los
Angeles, CA. The riots, that killed 53 people, began after
the acquittal of police officers in the beating of Rodney

1997 The "Republic of Texas" surrendered to authorities
ending an armed standoff where two people were held
hostage. The group asserts the independence of Texas from
the U.S. 

1999 Mark Manes, at age 22, was arrested for supplying a
gun to Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold, who later killed 13
people at Columbine High School in Colorado. 

2006 In Alexandria, VA, Al-Quaida conspirator Zacarias
Moussaoui was given a sentence of life in prison for his
role in the terrorist attack on the U.S. on September 11,

2017  smiled.

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Caution with Glary Utilities! 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 2

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC Woman passed out behind wheel with kid in car.
Had meth, neddles, but no license and no insurance.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 2 in
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's King
Charles II. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons. unknown, Popular Mechanics, March 1949 ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" she asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The little girl is just chattering on to the dozen or so other people on the elevator about what a GREAT time she had on the Disney Cruise ship. There was this to do and there was that to do. Everyone is smiling at her. Mom kind of shrugs and says, "We went on the cruise a year ago and she's *still* talking about it." The little girl said, "Even mom and dad had a great time on the ship!" To the utter embarrassment of mom, the little girl nods her head to the baby and says, "Mom calls the baby, 'Our little Souvenir' " ______________________________________________________ The Superbloom is happening now further North in the Central Valley area. ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brandi Deann Brigman, 31, Chesnee, South Carolina SC Woman passed out behind wheel with kid in car. Had meth, neddles, but no license and no insurance. A mom with meth is accused of passing out behind the wheel of a car with a small child in the backseat, according to Spartanburg County sheriff’s deputies. They say it happened Sunday on Highway 357 in Lyman. Deputies say a man on the scene told them he tried to wake up the woman, but she was unresponsive. The woman was slumped over the wheel and the car was still running, while a small child was unbuckled in the backseat, according to an incident report. The deputy says there was no way to buckle the child in with all the clutter in the car. The deputy says they were able to wake the woman up. She was identified as Brandi Deann Brigman, 31, of Chesnee. Brigman told the deputy she drove to the store to buy an alcoholic drink to help with a UTI she thought she had. Meth was found in Brigman’s jacket pocket, according to the deputy. Brigman failed a field sobriety test and was arrested for DUI, according to the report. Brigman was read her Miranda rights and reportedly told the deputy she had a bag in her car that had needles and a pipe in it. The deputy found 7 needles with meth inside, a pipe and a spoon with white residue, according to the report. Brigman told the deputy she was going to register her vehicle and get insurance when she could. The report says Brigman was under suspension with a prior driving under suspension charge within five years. Brigman is charged with: DUI 1st offense Child endangerment DUS 2nd offense Uninsured vehicle fee violation 1st Offense Looks like they forgot about the meth and accessories. Or maybe the paper had only room for 4 Offenses. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Caution with Glary Utilities Dear Webby STOP! Don`t use the registry fixer and other utilities in Glary Utilities. They are crap and tend to cause problems. The defragmenter works great, just don`t mess with the other stuff without doing a total back-up! Moe Dear Moe, Right, and never try two fixes at the same time. Do one, and see what works or doesnt. `Have FUN! DearWebby
After preaching, we were invited out for lunch. I casually mentioned to the lady that I was allergic to cats. "That's okay Pastor," the woman said. "I can cook something else."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Building a Stackable Potato Tower By lalala... [825 Posts, 106 Comments] Save gardening space potatoes and grow tons of potatoes by building this stackable potato planter. This page gives you step by step instructions to make a stackable potato planter. Growing potatoes is easy with this stackable planter. As the plants grow, simply add another frame and more soil. Supplies: 8 2x6 boards (10 ft) 2 2x2 boards (8 ft) screws outdoor latex paint paint brushes power screw driver saw tape measure Steps in building the Potato tower I did something similar in the Yukon. I got a bunch of same size car tires from the dump, stacked them, hammered in two pieces of concrete rebar for guides just inside the tires, and then tossed dirt and potato pieces into it. The tires absorbed more heat, and in spring I used a plexiglass lid for a greenhouse roof. Potato harvest was adequate considering the low effort put into it. I learned a much more effective and productive method later. Raised bed for fashionable ease on ones aching back, filled with compost, containing a fair bit of fish heads and tails, and forest dirt. Then I tossed potato pieces onto the dirt, and covered it with an old bed sheet. Then I bent some concrete rebar into tunnel hoops, sleeved them with old garden hose, and covered the tunnel with plastic. After a couple of weeks the bedsheet raised up in spots, where potato plants were growing underneath. So I duck-taped a sharp fish knife onto a rake, reached into the tunnel and stabbed the sheet where plants were raising it. After that they grew fast! Naturally I watered them whenever they looked wilted. From mid summer on I could reach in under the sheet and harvest a meal`s worth of clean potatoes. Those cheater harvests did not slow them down at all. Naturally, you don`t really need a high-bed, if your back is good and you like bending down. The potatoes dont care. Potatoes grow OK in northern climates, but much better with a bit more heat and water. Putting a plastic tunnel over them at least doubles the crop. Have FUN! DearWebby
Will Smith - Face Your Fears
____________________________________________________ Little Johnny went with his mom and dad to his grandmother's house for dinner. When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't have to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house. She KNOWS how to cook!" ___________________________________________________
People are awesome! Best of the month.
Anni was puzzled by the odd messages left on her answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." She discovered the reason for the joke when she decided to listen to her greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 2
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's King
Charles II. 

1776 France and Spain agreed to donate arms to American
rebels fighting the British. 

1797 A mutiny in the British navy spread from Spithead to
the rest of the fleet. 

1798 The black General Toussaint L’ouverture forced British
troops to agree to evacuate the port of Santo Domingo. 

1808 The citizens of Madrid rose up against Napoleon. 

1813 Napoleon defeated a Russian and Prussian army at

1853 Franconi’s Hippodrome opened at Broadway and 23rd
Street in New York City. 

1863 Confederate Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was wounded
by his own men in the battle of Chancellorsville, VA. He
died 8 days later. 

1865 U.S. President Andrew Johnson offered $100,000 reward
for the capture of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. 

1885 The Congo Free State was established by King Leopold II
of Belgium. 

1885 The magazine "Good Housekeeping" was first published. 

1887 Hannibal W. Goodwin applied for a patent on celluloid
photographic film. This is the film from which movies are

1890 The Oklahoma Territory was organized. 

1902 "A Trip to the Moon," the first science fiction film
was released. It was created by magician George Melies. 

1922 WBAP-AM began broadcasting in north Texas. 

1926 In India, Hindu women gained the right to seek elected

1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to put down a revolt
and to protect U.S. interests. They did not depart until

1933 Hitler banned trade unions in Germany. 

1941 Hostilities broke out between British forces in Iraq
and that country’s pro-German faction. 

1941 The Federal Communications Commission agreed to let
regular scheduling of TV broadcasts by commercial TV
stations begin on July 1, 1941. This was the start of
network television. 

1945 Russians took Berlin after 12 days of fierce house-to-
house fighting. The Allies announced the surrender of Nazi
troops in Italy and parts of Austria. 

1946 Prisoners revolted at California's Alcatraz prison. 

1960 Caryl Chessman was executed. He was a convicted sex
offender and had become a best selling author while on death

1965 The "Early Bird" satellite was used to transmit
television pictures across the Atlantic. 

1969 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) made its maiden

1970 Student anti-war protesters at Ohio's Kent State
University burn down the campus ROTC building. The National
Guard took control of the campus. 

1982 The British submarine HMS Conqueror sank Argentina's
only cruiser, the General Belgrano during the Falkland
Islands War. More than 350 people died. 

1994 Nelson Mandela claimed victory after South Africa's
first democratic elections. 

1999 In Panama, Mireya Moscoso de Grubar, of the Armulfista
Party, was elected president. 

2017  smiled.

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Excellent defragger 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 1

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC woman arrested at 10 am for drunk driving, 
urinated on police station floor after arrest.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, May 1 in
1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to 
fund an expedition to the West Indies. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. --- Bill Vaughan Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ From Mina When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here. One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Some Ads! Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Revonda Randolph Henderson, 67, Chesnee, South Carolina SC woman arrested at 10 am for drunk driving, urinated on police station floor after arrest. A Chesnee woman accused of DUI, pulled down her pants in peed in the testing room, according to a report from the Spartanburg Co. Sheriff’s Office. Spartanburg Co. deputies say they stopped Revonda Henderson for driving erratically on 4/19 around 10:00 am/m The deputy said he smelled an odor of alcohol coming from Henderson. She told the deputy she had drunk 2 malt liquors and they were still in the vehicle. The deputy said she had trouble walking and keeping her balance. He said she had to reach out and grab his arm to keep her balance. She failed the field sobriety test and was arrested for DUI, according to the report. When she was placed in the patrol car she started to curse the deputies and threatened to punch the deputies. The report says they got her to the jail and she refused to provide a breath sample. She then pulled down her pants and urinated on the floor of the testing room, according to the report. She is charged with DUI 1st Offense and Open Container in Vehicle, according to the detention center. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Defragmenters Dear Webby http://www.glarysoft.com/disk-speedup/ This is my favorite now. Seems to list all the drives i have connected. And it does file placement if user wants a slow weekly or night defrag. Puts all the unused stuff out by the slower access tracks. And the high use stuff on outer tracks where more data sits on a track. Less seek time? Not mean much nowadays probably. But it leaves the center for working storage space. Can see when defragging done that the unused stuff not have many frag bits. So runs faster. Moe Dear Moe, and FranticFran I downloaded and tried the free version of the Glary Utilities. First I used the included start-up manger. It showed me all kinds of obsolete and useless stuff, for example all the reporting to Microsoft about what I do. Total waste. They are not interested in what we DO, otherwise they would not have foisted the W10 user interface on us. So I unchecked all of the stuff that is not doing anything useful FOR ME. Then I went to the disk speed up part. Analyze took a while, but not as long as some other programs did. Then I hit defrag and let it do it's thing. There is no point watching it do it's Tetris style shuffling of colored blocks, so I did other work. While it was doing the defrag some activities were slower. That is normal and expected. I was pleasantly surprised how little it interfered with work. After a surprisingly short time everything speeded up and when I looked, the Tetris game was finished and all drives were defragged. Nice job, Glary! There are still more goodies in the free version, that I have not tried yet. And some day I will probably try the PRO version. For now I can definitely recommend the Glary Utilities. Thanks Moe for telling me about it. A word of caution: In case you get drastic with eliminating all kinds of stuff from the hidden start-up schedule, stuff that LOOKS useless, do a back-up before you get too rambunctious! Some useless looking stuff might be needed by some program. Glary doesn't really delete them, just unchecks them from the start-up schedule. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Barry for this picture: One quick shake of the head, and dog will get yelled at for an hour.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tough Meat Marinade Instead of buying that expensive cut of meat, try this marinade with a less expensive cut. Ingredients: 1/2 cup vinegar 1 cup beef bouillon Directions: Put in NON-METAL pan or dish overnight to marinade. By Roberta
Victor Borge - Franz Liszt - Hungarian Rhapsody #2
____________________________________________________ Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open." ___________________________________________________
16 of the oldest household objects in the world.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on May 1
0408 Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of

1308 King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he
refused his share of the Habsburg lands. 

1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund
an expedition to the West Indies. 

1707 England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great

1805 The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed
slaves to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or

1863 In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began.
General Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union
troops under General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General
Stonewall Jackson was mortally wounded by his own soldiers
in this battle. (May 1-4) 

1867 Reconstruction in the South began with black voter

1877 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal
troops from the South, ending Reconstruction. 

1883 William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West

1884 The construction of the first American 10-story
building began in Chicago, IL. 

1889 Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The
Atlanta Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug
business as "sole proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious.
Refreshing. Exhilarating. Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not
actually achieve sole ownership until 1891 at a cost of

1898 The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at
Manila Bay in the Philippines. 

1905 In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 

1915 A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 

1927 Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 

1931 The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and
opened. It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building
in the world at the time. 

1934 The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for

1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of
neutrality, keeping the United States out of World War II. 

1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made
its first flight. 

1945 Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler,
escaped from the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on

1945 Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the
Third Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed

1948 The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea)
was proclaimed. 

1958 James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts
encircled Earth. 

1960 Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over
the Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 

1961 Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections
in Cuba. 

1967 Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua.

1968 In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the
support of naval fire, continue their attack on a North
Vietnamese Division at Dai Do. 

1970 Students at Kent State University riot in downtown
Kent, OH, in protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 

1971 The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went
into service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run
the nation's intercity railroads. 

1981 The Japanese government announced that it would limit
passenger car exports to the United States over the next
three years. 

1986 The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear
power plant accident. 

1986 Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford
Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of
212.229 mph. 

1992 On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting
from the Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public
to appeal for calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 

1998 Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts
that lacked federal approval in the U.S. 

1999 On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers
discovered the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in
June of 1924 while trying to become the first person to
reach the summit of Everest. At the time of the discovery it
was unclear whether or not Mallory had actually reached the

2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her
remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002.
California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the
case due to his relationship with Levy. 

2011 It was announced that U.S. soldiers had killed Osama
bin Laden in Pakistan.

2017  smiled.

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Does Diskeeper still work? No. 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 30

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Three charged after Freeport home invasion
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 29 in
0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A cult is a religion with no political power. --- Tom Wolfe (1931 - ) I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. --- Bernard M. Baruch (1870 - 1965) Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. --- Kurt Herbert Alder ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Tony went to the doctor and told him that he couldn't hear himself fart. So the doctor gave Tony some pills. Tony asked him, "Will these make me hear better?" Doc replied, "No, but they will make you fart louder." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Bill Jr I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about abstract art. We were looking at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colors and he asked, "What's that?" I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse." "Well," he continued, "Why isn't it? If he's not good enough that you can reckonize it wifout reading the label, then he should practise at home and not hang it up here!" ______________________________________________________ From my dad. He is getting crowded out of his breakfast nook. ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Muhammad Abdul-Haq, 18, Harun Abdul-Haq, 19, Zaakir Abdul-Haq, 23, Freeport, Illinois Three charged after Freeport home invasion Three men arrested on several charges stemming from a Sunday morning home invasion, Freeport Deputy Chief Matt Summers said. Harun Abdul-Haq, 19, of the 900 block of East Shawnee Street, and Muhammad Abdul-Haq, 18, of the 1300 block of West Elm Street, were charged with armed robbery, aggravated battery, residential burglary, conspiracy to commit a home invasion and theft under $500. Their bonds were set at $100,000 each. Summers said the two, who police believe to be brothers, knocked at the door of a home in the 1200 block of South Blackhawk Avenue around 3:45 a.m. They used an undescribed ruse before a resident to let them inside and then they threatened to shoot the victim. They stole about $50 and a cell phone. Summers said the resident told police he knew one of the men was related to a particular family. During the course of their investigation, police also arrested Zaakir Abdul-Haq, 23, of the 1400 block of West Beach Street on a charge of aggravated unlawful use of a weapon and two alleged firearm owner’s identification card violations. His bond was set at $40,000. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: FranticFran Re: Diskeeper Dear Webby You used to promote Diskeeper as the best defrag program. But I have not seen your links to it for some time. Did they not keep up with the times? FranticFran Dear FranticFran That is exactly what happened. First they had issues with high resolution monitors, then when they got that almost fixed by using a huge, klutzy font, then they fell down on USB connected external drives. If you have USB connected external drives, then Diskeeper is a total waste of installation time. Nowadays, when almost everybody has a big external drive attached, you simply need a better program than Diskeeper. There are many available, and experts fight lengthy religious battles about which one is better. I will ask Moe for his recommendation. He does comparison tests of defrag programs. Look for his report right here later in the week. Have FUN! DearWebby
>From Paulie According to a CBS poll, women are much better liars than men. At least that's what THEY say . . . so, how will we ever know?
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Soda Can Plant Labels By EllenB [810 Posts, 1 Comment] One of my favorite garden crafts is making homemade plant labels from aluminum cans and wire clothes hangers. Not only are they inexpensive and durable, but these labels are actually attractive and fun to make. They are designed to dangle freely on their supports, so when the wind blows their movement makes a gentle clinking noise, turning your tiny reflective plant labels into a collective army of rabbit repellents. Materials: assorted aluminum soda/beer cans wire clothes hangers gloves (to protect hands when cutting cans) old steak knife scissors needle-nose pliers paper punch ball-point pen embellishment tools used (from Michaels craft store): scrapbooking scissors (Fiskars) 3 in 1 corner punch (Fiskars) flower-shaped decorative brads (Provo Craft) Directions: Put on your gloves. Use the tip of your scissors to punch a small hole on the side of each end of the can. If your scissors isn't sharp enough, use a steak knife or screwdriver to get the hole started. Using your scissors, cut off the top and bottom of the can and discard the ends in your recycling bin. If you need to, trim off any excess sharp edges from the remaining piece of aluminum and finesse it a bit until it lays pretty flat. Cut individual labels from the remaining piece of aluminum according to the desired size. The shape and style of your labels is highly personal. Cut them into circles, triangles, rectangles, even flowers. To add some decorative flair, use fancy corner punches or try trimming the edges with scrapbooking scissors. I add color-coded brads to my labels (I found some in the shape of flowers). This helps me organize my plantings and remember what color flower is coming up where. You're only limited by your imagination so have fun with it! Just don't forget to leave room to punch a hole for hanging and space to write down the name of the plant. To write names of plants on your labels, lay them on top of a notebook or thick stack of newspaper and press down hard with a ball point pen. Make sure to press hard enough so that when the ink wears off, the name stays imprinted in the metal. Create a hole for hanging using a paper punch (or a hammer and nail). Finally, use a wire cutter or tin snips to cut 7-8 inch long support pieces from wire coat hangers. Make an "S" hook at one end using a needle-nose pliers, hang the label on the hook, and pinch the "S" shut to keep it from falling off. Voila! You've got durable, inexpensive plant labels!
guilty dogs
____________________________________________________ Little had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing 's sweet tooth the mother looked straight into 's eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake!" "No," replied , "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking." ___________________________________________________
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there. "Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the kids into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 30
0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 

0313 Licinius unified the whole of the eastern Roman empire
under his own rule. 

1250 King Louis IX of France was ransomed for one million

1527 Henry VIII and King Francis of France signed the treaty
of Westminster. 

1725 Spain withdrew from Quadruple Alliance. 

1789 George Washington took office as first elected U.S.

1803 The U.S. purchased the Louisiana Territory from France
for $15 million. 

1812 Louisiana admitted as the 18th U.S. state. 

1849 The republican patriot and guerrilla leader Giuseppe
Garabaldi repulsed a French attack on Rome. 

1864 Work began on the Dams along the Red River. The work
would allow Union General Nathaniel Banks' troops to sail
over the rapids above Alexandria, Louisiana. 

1900 Casey Jones was killed while trying to save the runaway
train "Cannonball Express." 

1930 The Soviet Union proposed a military alliance with
France and Great Britain. 

1938 Happy Rabbit appeared in the cartoon "Porky's Hare
Hunt." This rabbit would later evolve into Bugs Bunny. 

1939 The first railroad car equipped with fluorescent lights
was put into service. The train car was known as the
"General Pershing Zephyr." 

1943 The British submarine HMS Seraph dropped 'the man who
never was,' a dead man the British planted with false
invasion plans, into the Mediterranean off the coast of

1945 Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had
been married for one day. One week later Germany surrendered

1947 The name of Boulder Dam, in Nevada, was changed back to
Hoover Dam. 

1948 The Organization of American States (OAS) held its
first meeting in Bogota, Colombia. The institution's goal
was to facilitate better relations between the member
nations and to help prevent the spread of communism in the
Western Hemisphere. 

1952 Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised
on network television. 

1953 The British West Indian colonies agreed on the
formation of the British Caribbean Federation that would
eventually become a self-governing unit in the British

1964 The FCC ruled that all TV receivers should be equipped
to receive both VHF and UHF channels. 

1968 U.S. Marines attacked a division of North Vietnamese in
the village of Dai Do. 

1970 U.S. troops invaded Cambodia to disrupt North
Vietnamese Army base areas. The announcement by U.S.
President Nixon led to widespread protests. 

1972 The North Vietnamese launched an invasion of the South.

1975 Communist North Vietnamese troops entered the
Independence Palace of South Vietnam in Saigon. 11 Marines
lifted off of the U.S. Embassy were the last soldiers to

1980 Terrorists seized the Iranian Embassy in London. 

1984 U.S. President Reagan signed cultural and scientific
agreements with China. He also signed a tax accord that
would make it easier for American companies to operate in

1991 An estimated 125,000 people were killed in a cyclone
that hit Bangladesh. 

1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public

1993 Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis
match in Hamburg, Germany. The man called himself a fan of
second-ranked Steffi Graf. He was convicted of causing
grievous bodily harm and received a suspended sentence. 

1998 NATO was expanded to include Poland, Hungary and the
Czech Republic. The three nations were formally admitted the
following April at NATO's 50th anniversary summit. 

1998 United and Delta airlines announced their alliance that
would give them control of 1/3 of all U.S. passenger seats. 

1998 In the U.S., Federal regulators fined a contractor
$2.25 million for improper handling of oxygen canisters on
ValuJet that crashed in the Florida Everglades in 1996. 

2002 Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was overwhelmingly
approved for another five years as president.

2012 One World Trade Center became the tallest structure in
New York when it surpassed the height of the Empire State

2015 NASA's Messenger spacecraft crashed into the surface of
Mercury. The space probe sent back more than 270,000
pictures to earth.

2017  smiled.

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Minimum distance for close-ups 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, April 29

Pretty snow this morning again.
Here is a pictuer of my Saskatoon berry bushes, not white
with flowers like during the warm period, but white with

Click through for large size.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teacher, 28, and husband face jail after she had 
sex with student after her hubby plied teen with 
booze and watched them having sex.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 29 in
1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los
Angeles policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54
people were killed in 3 days. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. --- Larry Gelbart It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. --- Walter Bagehot ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Myrna I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" So she walked over and stood on his foot. He tried to step back and promptly fell over. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Diana for this story: At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker." "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse, Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your mother-in-law's! She showed up one night, out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." SILENCE.................... "Arnaldo, if you broke that driver, you are fired!" ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Lillemor for this one: ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jessica Storer, 28, Derrick Storer, 33 Pandora-Gilboa, ohio Teacher, 28, and husband face jail after she had sex with student after her hubby plied teen with booze and watched them having sex. Jessica Storer, 28, bedded one of her pupils after hubby Derrick, 33, plied him with alcohol, a court heart. The romp occurred the morning after the pair invited the 18- year-old and other youngsters to their house. "Mrs. Storer engaged in sexual intercourse with the student while he was still under the influence of alcohol." prosecutor Lilly Shun said. Storer told the hearing the lad was not drunk. But Ms Shun said he had admitted being under the influence. Judge Randall Basinger asked Storer what happened. "I was engaged in sexual conduct with an 18-year-old student," she said. The blonde mum met him while a substitute teacher at Pandora-Gilboa High School, Ohio, USA. She could be jailed for up to five years after pleading guilty to sexual battery last November. Six counts of giving alcohol to a minor were dismissed in a plea deal at Putnam County Court. But she will have to register as a sex offender for life. She will be sentenced after the judge gets a background report on her. Her husband admitted three charges of giving booze to a minor and faces up to six months on each count when sentenced on May 16. Police Chief Scott Stant arrested Storer last December 21 after a tip off. The student told him he was at the teacher’s Pandora home on the evening of November 25 and spent the night there after drinking alcohol. He had intercourse with her the next morning – and she admitted it when quizzed by Stant on December 13, said court records. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: John Re: Close-ups limits Dear Webby Regarding your explanation of fuzzy close-ups...Also note... every lens has a minimum focal distance. If you are closer than that minimum (usually the center of the frame) it will be blurry. Regards, John Dear John Right. Nowadays that minimum limit is 8 to 12 inches. It is always better to give it some extra distance, at maximum resolution, and crop the picture later, on the computer. Providing some extra light also helps a lot. Avoid dead-on flash, so that you dont get a flat looing picture and deer-in-the-headlights stare. Have you ever seen clip-art depicting photographers in the 1800s and early 1900's, holding up a flash pan. Here is one: Hold the flash, a slave flash preferably, up and to the side like that photogrpher does, to get perfect contrast. Slave Flash units are cheap. I have seen them for $12. For indoor or group photography in low light conditions a slave flash is an excellent tool. In the old days, before electricity, they produced the flash by igniting a mixture of gun powder and magnesium in a metal dust-pan. The biggest magnesium flash ever set off was for taking a picture in a stadium. It was rather smoky in there after that! Check Amazon for a battery powered slave flash suitable for your camera. It won't smoke, but make a huge difference with group or close up pictures. Have FUN! DearWebby
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson That caused somebody named Jessie and two other people to unsubscribe, and somebody named Hilary gave gift subscriptions to seventeen people.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reusing Refrigerator Baking Soda By Bella Blue [47 Posts, 5 Comments] No need to throw away that box of baking soda from your refrigerator when it is time to replace it. While it is not good for cooking, there are a lot of ways to use it up. I also use the baking soda in my bathwater. It's known to really pull out toxins in your body when paired with Epsom salts and a few drops of lavender essential oil. I use 1/2 to 1 cup of both Epsom salt and baking soda. If you don't believe me try it yourself. The color of the bath water shows you just how much it pulls out of you, it's relaxing too! It also helps clean off residue left by other cleaners and soaps. A tablespoon or two tossed right in the clothes washer can help with extra smelly laundry. Especially men's gym socks and pet beds, it really gets the smell out and whitens whites, but doesn't hurt darks. It can also be used to de-funk a washing machine or dishwasher. A couple tablespoons is all you need for that. I have used it to help remove bird poop from perches and cages. It is safe to use around them, which isn't true of most cleaners. Baking soda also works great for cleaning walls and grout as well. So now once the baking soda is done keeping my refrigerator smelling fresh I use it for cleaning, bathing, and I even use some sprinkled in the garbage cans to absorb smells too.
____________________________________________________ >From Arvid Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left the house, I overheard my daughter saying, "There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole hills." ___________________________________________________
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.
The butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one. We have some guests coming over." "OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one's too skinny. What else have you got?" the man asks. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes, then brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 29
1289 Qala'un, the Sultan of Egypt, captured Tripoli. 

1429 Joan of Arc led Orleans, France, to victory over

1661 The Chinese Ming dynasty occupied Taiwan. 

1672 King Louis XIV of France invaded the Netherlands. 

1813 Rubber was patented by J.F. Hummel. 

1852 The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus was

1856 A peace treaty was signed between England and Russia. 

1858 Austrian troops invaded Piedmont. 

1862 New Orleans fell to Union forces during the Civil War. 

1879 In Cleveland, OH, electric arc lights were used for the
first time. 

1913 Gideon Sundback patented an all-purpose zipper. 

1916 Irish nationalists surrendered to British authorities
in Dublin. 

1918 Germany's Western Front offensive ended in World War I.

1924 An open revolt broke out in Santa Clara, Cuba. 

1927 Construction of the Spirit of St. Louis was completed
for Lindbergh. 

1945 The German Army in Italy surrendered unconditionally to
the Allies. 

1945 In a bunker in Berlin, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were
married. Hitler designated Admiral Karl Doenitz his

1945 The Nazi death camp, Dachau, was liberated. 

1946 Twenty-eight former Japanese leaders were indicted in
Tokyo as war criminals. 

1952 IBM President Thomas J. Watson, Jr., informed his
company's stockholders that IBM was building "the most
advanced, most flexible high-speed computer in the world."
The computer was unveiled April 7, 1953, as the IBM 701
Electronic Data Processing Machine. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon announced he was releasing edited
transcripts of secretly made White House tape recordings
related to the Watergate scandal. 

1975 The U.S. embassy in Vietnam was evacuated as North
Vietnamese forces fought their way into Saigon. 

1984 In California, the Diablo Canyon nuclear reactor went
online after a long delay due to protests. 

1990 The destruction of the Berlin Wall began. 

1992 Exxon executive Sidney Reso was kidnapped outside his
Morris Township, NJ, home by Arthur Seale. Seale was a
former Exxon security official. Reso died while in

1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los
Angeles policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54
people were killed in 3 days. 

1994 Israel and the PLO signed an agreement in Paris which
granted Palestinians broad authority to set taxes, control
trade and regulate banks under self-rule in the Gaza Strip
and Jericho. 

1997 Staff Sgt. Delmar Simpson, a drill instructor at
Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland, was convicted of raping
six female trainees. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison
and was dishonorably discharged. 

1997 Astronaut Jerry Linenger and cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev
went on the first U.S.-Russian space walk. 

1998 The U.S., Canada and Mexico end tariffs on $1 billion
in NAFTA trade. 

1998 Brazil announced a plan to protect a large area of
Amazon forest. The area was about the size of Colorado. 

2009 NATO expelled two Russian diplomats from NATO
headquarters in Brussels over a spy scandal in Estonia.
Russia's Foreign Ministry criticized the expulsions. 

2017  smiled.

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Partially Fuzzy Close-ups 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, April 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Right now it is snowing again. 
It will probably all melt by May.
Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teen admits to killing her grandparents and sealing 
up their room – then inviting friends over for a party
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 28 in
1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was published.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us. --- George Eliot (1819 - 1880) Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. --- Robert Anton Wilson There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Bill for this story: came home from the bar one night quite inebreated and wanted to sneak in so his spouse wouldn't know. Unfortunately the mickey in 's back pocket broke as tried to sneak up the stairs and fell backwards. Some of the glass cut 's rear end. grabbed the box of bandaids and attempted to cover the cuts. The next morning 's spouse Remarked: "You were pretty drunk when you came home last night." How did you know ?" replied. Well she said "Your shoes were sitting on the porch and there was broken glass at the bottom of the stairs and a smelly booze stain on the carpet but the clincher was the 15 bandaids stuck on the hall mirror." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Dave's collection of The World's Thinnest Books FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno and Nancy Pelosi MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson And the world's Number One Thinnest Book MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson ______________________________________________________ Ready for spring. Yes, it is snowing right now. ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Cassie Bjorge, 17, Johnny Rider, 18 Gwinnett County, Georgia Teen admits to killing her grandparents and sealing up their room – then inviting friends over for a party A Georgia teen who allegedly confessed to killing her grandparents with her boyfriend, sealing up their room and then hosting a party for unsuspecting friends, also planned to kill several other people WSB-TV reports. According to WSB-TV, Cassie Bjorge, 17, and her boyfriend, Johnny Rider, 18, planned the murders of her grandparents for days and thought out details such as caulking the doors shut in the house to keep the odor of death from being detected outside. Gwinnett County Police Detective Dave Brucz told WSB-TV the teens waited outside Bjorges grandparents home for the lights to go out, then snuck into the couple's bedrooms. "Johnny began to attack the grandfather, Cassie then said she had a surge of energy," Brucz said in court Wednesday. "She then dragged her grandmother into her grandfather's bedroom, she was duct taped." Investigators say the teens then beat the grandparents, Randall and Wendy Bjorge, before slicing their throats and leaving them for dead. According to the report, Cassie Bjorge confessed to staying in the home and smoking pot for a few days after the murders. She even invited friends over for a party — friends who had no idea what had happened. Police say Bjorge confessed that she went as far as pretending to be her grandmother via text message so family wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. "She admitted after the murder she was texting family members because they were worried about them, and she was pretending to be Wendy," Brucz told the courtroom. WSB-TV reports the teens are not only accused of killing, Bjorge's grandparents, but they are also of trying to kill Rider's sister and boyfriend. "She also said they were planning on killing Johnny's family and there were plans on killing her mother also," Brucz also told the courtroom. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Pat Re: Fuzzy close-ups Dear Webby When I take close-ups with my digital camera, the center always seems to be fuzzy. Distance shots are clear, so it's not a greasy fingerprint on the lens. It's a very small lens and recessed anyway. What could cause that? Thanks Pat Dear Pat Especially with small lenses the aperture has to open up wide if the lighting is low. That causes the area of sharpness to shrink to a thin layer. If you can add extra light, that will thicken the layer of sharpness. When you can't add light, go farther away. Use the highest resolution you got, and then later crop the picture to get your close-up. When you are really close, the layer that is in focus is maybe half an inch thick. That might be the tips of a flower, and the inner parts of a deep blossom might be fuzzy. From a few feet away, the layer of sharpness would be 5-6 inches and plenty to show the entire flower nice and sharp. Close-up lenses and microscopes are no help at all. They make that effect even worse. Using the flash often helps. The camera pre-calculates the effect of the flash and squints down the aperture. On a close-up most of the flash will shoot right by it and what light from it, that hits the object, will be at a good angle and improve contrast. If you plan to take a lot of close up pictures, select a camera with a large lens to capture as much light as possible, so that it will narrow down the aperture. Shoot the picture at the cameras highest resolution, and then crop it down to 1024 x 768, which is probably the largest size picture that you would use on a web page. Have FUN! DearWebby
Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Water Saving Tip #4 When you are waiting for hot water to warm up put a watering can under the faucet. Once full use it for gardening. Place a bucket in your shower to catch water that is wasted while you wait for it to warm up. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com
____________________________________________________ I've noticed the oddest behavior in most women. The only time they won't look in a mirror is when they're pulling out of a parking space. ___________________________________________________
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could manage our house over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 28
0357 Constantius II visited Rome for the first time. 

1282 Villagers in Palermo led a revolt against French rule
in Sicily. 

1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia
Mathamatic" was published. 

1789 A mutiny on the British ship Bounty took place when a
rebel crew took the ship and set sail to Pitcairn Island.
The mutineers left Captain W. Bligh and 18 sailors adrift. 

1818 U.S. President James Monroe proclaimed naval
disarmament on the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain. 

1896 The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan. 

1902 A revolution broke out in the Dominican Republic. 

1910 First night flight was performed by Claude Grahame-
White in England. 

1914 W.H. Carrier patented the design of his air

1916 The British declared martial law throughout Ireland. 

1919 The League of Nations was founded. 

1920 Azerbaijan joined the USSR. 

1923 The British Empire Exhibition Stadium (or Empire
Stadium) opened to the public. 

1930 The first organized night baseball game was played in
Independence, Kansas. 

1932 The yellow fever vaccine for humans was announced. 

1937 The first animated-cartoon electric sign was displayed
on a building on Broadway in New York City. It was created
by Douglas Leight. 

1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci were
executed by Italian partisans as they attempted to flee the

1946 The Allies indicted Tojo with 55 counts of war crimes. 

1947 Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others
set out in a balsa wood raft known as Kon Tiki to prove that
Peruvian Indians could have settled in Polynesia. The trip
began in Peru and took 101 days to complete the crossing of
the Pacific Ocean. 

1952 The U.S. occupation of Japan officially ended when a
treaty with the U.S. and 47 other countries went into

1953 French troops evacuated northern Laos. 

1962 In the Sahara Desert of Algeria, a team led by Red
Adair used explosives to put out the well fire known as the
Devil's Cigarette Lighter. The fire was caused by a pipe
rupture on November 6, 1961. 

1965 The U.S. Army and Marines invaded the Dominican
Republic to evacuate Americans. 

1967 Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and
was stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for
chickening out. 

1985 The largest sand castle in the world was completed near
St. Petersburg, FL. It was four stories tall. 

1988 In Maui, HI, one flight attendant was killed when the
fuselage of a Boeing 737 ripped open in mid-flight. 

1989 Mobil announced that they were divesting from South
Africa because congressional restrictions were too costly. 

1994 Former CIA official Aldrich Ames, who had given U.S.
secrets to the Soviet Union and then Russia, pled guilty to
espionage and tax evasion. He was sentenced to life in
prison without parole. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped
testimony as a defense witness in the criminal trial of his
former Whitewater business partners. 

1997 A worldwide treaty to ban chemical weapons took effect.
Russia and other countries such as Iraq and North Korea did
not sign. 

1999 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected (on a tie
vote of 213-213) a measure expressing support for NATO's
five-week-old air campaign in Yugoslavia. The House also
voted to limit the president's authority to use ground
forces in Yugoslavia. 

2001 A Russian rocket launched from Central Asia with the
first space tourist aboard. The crew consisted of California
businessman Dennis Tito and two cosmonauts. The destination
was the international space station. 

2008 India set a world record when it sent 10 satellites
into orbit from a single launch. 

2017  smiled.

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Frog Jigging injury 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Please vote forOphelia Dingbatter! Subscribe
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, April 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops! 

OK, two guys figured out what category they fall in.

It is snowing again, but only a couple of inches so far.
Lawn mower is ready, the grass is not.


Please vote for me at the EzineFinder
Ophelia Dingbatter Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a four- some of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but my broken thumb still hurts like hell!" _____________________________________________________ 2 Yesterday I was discussing computers with an acquaintance while waiting in line at the store check-out counter and she told me that she had a new high tech mouse with "no balls!" I have been using an optical mouse for about 20 years, but I couldn't resist a straight line like that. That led me to ask "A mouse with no balls!!!! How does it reproduce?" To which she replied, "Cybersex of course!" _____________________________________________________ 3 A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "It sure is!" "Well, I will talk to my husband about this tonight !" That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." ____________________________________________________ 4 The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence. "Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil." "Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl, "He doesn't do all my writing, anyway!" _____________________________________________________ 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too...." _____________________________________________________ 6 [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his ball off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. =====================================================

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Ophelia Dingbatter
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Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 27

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas man arrested after he drove while intoxicated,
 with infant and teens in car, and crashed into two homes
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 27 in
1521 Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed 
by natives in the Philippines. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing. --- Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964) The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' --- Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he yelled: "@%$# Army! . I'll bet that truck won't be there either!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Walter, the stone carver from http://stonecarver.com for these news: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank: Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Citibank: "Excuse me?" Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?" Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax: Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" Citibank: "That might help." Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Paul Hernandez, 21, Odessa, Texas Texas man arrested after he drove while intoxicated, with infant and teens in car, and crashed into two homes A man was arrested after police say he drove a car while intoxicated with an infant and two teens inside and crashed into two homes. Paul Hernandez, 21, has been charged and arrested for Driving While Intoxicated with a Child Passenger, a State Jail Felony. According to the Odessa Police Department, their officers responded to the 900 block of Munos around midnight Saturday for a call of a major crash. When police arrived on scene they found that a white GMC Sierra had crashed into a home in the 900 block before then driving on and crashing into a second home in the same block, according to OPD. Witnesses at the scene were then able to detain the driver until officers arrived. The driver was identified as Hernandez. It was also learned that three passengers were in the car, including a 15-year- old boy, 14-year-old boy and a five-month-old girl. According to police, officers on scene could smell a strong odor of alcohol coming from Hernandez's breath. He was then placed into custody for driving while intoxicated before being transported to the Ector County Law Enforcement Center. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: A.J. Re: On-Line Conferencing Dear Webby I got an ad about on-line conferencing. Compared to on-location meetings $2879 sounds like quite a big saving. How reliable are those on-line conferences? A.J. Dear A.J. Ask your kids to show you how to use Skype for free, and save those $2879. Or send them to me. (The dollars, not the kids!) The secret to good on-line conferences is the same as for on-location conferences: Prepare, prepare, prepare! Make a special folder for the conference, and put all files, that you possibly might need, into that, so that there won't be any emabarrassing pauses while you hunt them down. If at all possible, upload pictures and douments to a conference site beforehand. That's the equivalent of the printed reference material laid out in a traditional conference or meeting. Ideally, you get everybody to read the reference material beforehand, so that everybody knows what the meeting is about, and you don't have to waste time making speeches, but can skip right to the discussion part. Just like with a traditional meeting it is extremely important that you "dont let democracy break out" and the meeting deteriorate into off-topic gossiping by individual groups or pairs. Remind them that their gossip shows in the log and WILL be printed for all attendants. That usually shuts them up and lets you bring everything back on topic. The success of an on-line conference does not really depend on the brand of software you use, but on how well prepared you are, and on how mean a tyrant you are. Using standard meeting calls and procedures are absolutely necessary, if you don't want the conference to deteriorate into a chaotic party. There are huge benefits to on-line meetings. You can have advisors and helpers surround you and feeding you the right links at the right time, draw up diagrams or contracts, and it will all appear to everybody as if you just had done all the homework. While using video works quite well, we found it to be more of a novel distraction than a conference tool, and have not used it for serious meetings since about 1996. Video is better suited to one-on-one meetings like interviewing job candidates or performance evaluation meetings. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Andy for this joke: A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Let's have a word with the greens keeper. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Growing Your Houseplants in Water By EllenB [810 Posts, 1 Comment] How It Works Hydroculture is another word for hydroponics, a method of growing plants in water containing dissolved nutrients. Many of the foods we eat are produced this way commercially, especially in areas where land for cultivating crops is limited. A simple, scaled-down version of this technique is an ideal way to grow many houseplants. Plants are grown in containers filled with water and liquid fertilizer. The plants take in nutrients from a water solution through their "water" roots. After continuously being submerged in water, they have adapted by developing a greater capacity to store oxygen. Once the hydroculture system has been set up, a float in the reservoir indicates when it's time to add more solution. The Advantages No more guessing how much to feed and water. One of the fastest ways to kill a houseplant is by giving it too much or too little water. Or, not understanding how to properly use fertilizer. With hydroculture, feeding and watering requires little more than topping off water levels. In soil, certain nutrients can remain fixed in the soil as insoluble compounds. In hydroculture, nutrients are evenly available to the root system, so plants tend to be more vigorous. Reduces pests and disease. No soil means no more soil born pests, including those creepy little potting soil gnats. You can also say goodbye to mold spores and mildew-a boon for those who suffer from allergies. Lower maintenance. Hydroculture is cleaner and easier to maintain. By eliminating dirt, you eliminate must odors and messy spills. You'll need to water less often, transplant less often, and worry less about leaving your plants unattended while on vacation.
C-17 Globemaster Flyover
____________________________________________________ Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date. One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooow, Sandy! Do you come here often?." "You guys know each other?" Barbie asked. "We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister." ___________________________________________________
19 Pictures That Have Absolutely No Good Explanation For Existing.
>From Randy The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 27
1296 The Scots were defeated by Edward I at the Battle of

1509 Pope Julius II excommunicated the Italian state of

1521 Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed by
natives in the Philippines. 

1565 The first Spanish settlement in Philippines was
established in Cebu City. 

1805 A force led by U.S. Marines captured the city of Derna,
on the shores of Tripoli. 

1813 Americans under Gen. Pike capture York (present day
Toronto) the seat of government in Ontario. 

1861 West Virginia seceded from Virginia after Virginia
seceded from the Union during the American Civil War. 

1861 U.S. President Lincoln issued an order to General
Winfield Scott that authorized him to suspend the writ of
habeas corpus between Philadelphia and Washington at or near
any military line. 

1863 The Army of the Potomac began marching on

1865 In the U.S. the Sultana exploded while carrying 2,300
Union POWs. Between 1,400 2,000 were killed. 

1880 Francis Clarke and M.G. Foster patented the electrical
hearing aid. 

1897 Grant's Tomb was dedicated. 

1909 The sultan of Turkey, Abdul Hamid II, was overthrown. 

1938 Geraldine Apponyi married King Zog of Albania. She was
the first American woman to become a queen. 

1938 A colored baseball was used for the first time in any
baseball game. The ball was yellow and was used between
Columbia and Fordham Universities in New York City. 

1945 The Second Republic was founded in Austria. 

1946 The SS African Star was placed in service. It was the
first commercial ship to be equipped with radar. 

1950 South Africa passed the Group Areas Act, which formally
segregated races. 

1953 The U.S. offered $50,000 and political asylum to any
Communist pilot that delivered a MIG jet. 

1953 Five people were killed and 60 injured when Mt. Aso
erupted on the island of Kyushu. 

1960 The submarine Tullibee was launched from Groton, CT. It
was the first sub to be equipped with closed-circuit

1961 The United Kingdom granted Sierra Leone independence. 

1965 "Pampers" were patented by R.C. Duncan. 

1967 In Montreal, Prime Minister Lester Pearson lighted a
flame to open Expo 67. 

1975 Saigon was encircled by North Vietnamese troops. 

1978 Pro-Soviet Marxists seized control of Afghanistan. 

1982 The trial of John W. Hinckley Jr. began in Washington.
Hinckley was later acquitted by reason of insanity for the
shooting of U.S. President Reagan and three others. 

1982 China proposed a new constitution that would radically
alter the structure of the national government. 

1984 In London, Libyan gunmen left the Libyan Embassy 11
days after killing a policewoman and wounding 10 others. 

1989 Student protestors took over Tiananmen Square in

1987 The U.S. Justice Department barred Austrian President
Kurt Waldheim from entering the U.S. They claimed that he
had aided in the deportation and execution of thousands of
Jews and others as a junior German Army officer during World
War II. 

1992 The Federal Republic of Yugoslavia was proclaimed in
Belgrade by the Republic of Serbia and its ally Montenegro. 

1992 Russia and 12 other former Soviet republics won entry
into the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. 

2005 The A380, the world's largest jetliner, completed its
maiden flight. The passenger capability was 840. 

2005 Russian President Vladimir Putin became the first
Kremlin leader to visit Israel. 

2006 In New York, NY, construction began on the 1,776-foot
One World Trade Center on the site of former World Trade

2017  smiled.

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How to clean a CD 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, April 26

Thank You, Norma!!

We had snow almost every day for a week now. 4 inches today.
Calgary had 8 inches, Bragg Creek had 10. So much for
Gullible Warming!

Apparently collecting Carbon Tax to sabotage the economy and
to hire more burocrats does reduce the Gullible Warming. It
makes no sense to me, but since I am not a grant recipient,
they don't ask me anyway.

Well, we are in the cooling cycle again. 
The warming cycle started when Carl Sagans anti-muscle car
frenzy got going full steam. He blamed our muscle cars and
CO2 for the coming ice age. As soon as all the gullible
fools believed him, the cooling stopped and the warming

The warming cycle ended shortly after Al Gore's Gullible
Warming movie made him a few dozen Million bucks and
somebody bought him and Obama a Nobel prize.

I wonder who will champion the next "Ice Age Is Coming"

Send in your nominations!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Michigan barbarians destroy store and run over manager
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 26 in
1514 Copernicus made his first observations of Saturn. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. --- Ernest Benn It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. --- Pierre Beaumarchais AOL's "support" is built on that concept. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A teacher had made a note, and posted on the apple tray. It said, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note by the cookies that said, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Barbarians in Kentwood, Michigan Not caught yet Michigan barbarians destroy store and run over manager At approximately 1:30 a.m. on Saturday, three women pulled up to a drive-through window at a Michigan convenience store. Before it was over, the store was trashed and the store manager was in the hospital — suffering from a broken pelvis, fractured leg, and bleeding on her brain. And it was all caught on surveillance video. As reported by Fox 17, the whole thing started when one or more of the unidentified women began arguing with the manager, identified only as “Kristina,” about prices. An employee of T&J Party Store, “Jose,” told the station: “They were arguing about the price or something like that, like the price was changing or something. So the owner gave them the bottle to check everything and she just got tired of dealing with it so she closed the window.” It was then game-on. In the video, the women can be seen walking into the store and confronting the manager at the check-out counter. They then storm out — tearing down shelves along the way. Jose told Fox 17 the manager started chasing them. "One of the two girls who came in after said 'well we'll give her something to get mad about,' and they started pulling down the shelves of the snacks. [...] They pulled the shelves and that's when Kristina started chasing them because they started running." The parking lot surveillance video revealed what happened next. After the manager chased the women to their SUV, she was knocked to the ground by the vehicle and run over. Jose suggested Kristina is fortunate to be alive. “I found her on the ground, she was laying there. If it would've been a few inches further they would've run over her stomach, so it was lucky that it wasn't and it was just the legs otherwise it would've been worse.” Fox 17 reported late Friday night that no arrests have been made in the case, nor have the suspects been identified. The 27 year old driver has been arrested, the teens 17 and 16 were let go. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ella Re: Clean CDs Dear Webby Dear Webby.....you are the only one I can ask to help with advice on ...if it is possible to remove glue from a CD ? I got a CD with a Net Guide Magazine and it is always stuck on a page with rubberised solution...that's not a problem....but they then gum the protective cellophane envelope shut. I managed to get the CD out of there and then....stupid me !....after browsing it...I laid the CD back down on top of the envelope on my desk and Voila !....one unusable CD. What can I use ....is there a safe solution that would make my CD playable again ? I appreciate your sensible daily tips...so often things I needed to know ! I hope I don't have to go out and buy another magazine to get the CD....it has some good programmes on it ! Kind regards! Ella Dear Ella Soap and hot water don't hurt CDs. I would spray some citrus based organic cleaner onto it, let it soak for a few minutes, and then scrub it under hot water with a clean microfiber cloth. Dish soap should work too, but don't use dishwasher soap! Dishwasher soap has abrasives in it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age." He did. The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?" The ornery old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baked Apple Egg Roll Recipes We made these delicious apple egg rolls for dessert tonight! They were so easy to make and the vanilla whipped cream was perfect for dipping. :) Ingredients: Filling: 2 apples (I used 1 Granny Smith and 1 Gala) 2 Tbsp. lemon juice 1/3 cup sugar 4 Tbsp. flour 2 tsp. ground cinnamon 1/4 tsp. allspice 1/8 tsp. salt 16 egg roll wrappers 1 egg lightly beaten Vanilla Whipped Cream: 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream 1/4 cup sugar 2 tsp. vanilla cinnamon Directions: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Peel, core, and chop up the apples. Add to a medium bowl. Add remaining filling ingredients to bowl and stir until well combined. Allow mixture to sit for about 10 minutes. Put egg into small bowl and beat slightly. Place a layer of parchment paper on a cookie sheet and lightly spray with cooking spray. Lay out one egg roll wrapper and carefully spoon about 2 Tbsp. of the filling onto the wrapper, near one of the points. Fold the point over the filling and then fold the two sides in towards the center. Brush the wrapper with some egg wash and carefully (but tightly) roll up the egg roll. Lay seam side down on prepared cookie sheet. Repeat until all of the filling is gone. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown and crisp. During the last 5 minutes of cooking, remove from oven and brush with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar. Return them to the oven for the remaining 5 minutes. Serve immediately with vanilla whipped cream. Vanilla Whipped Cream: Place cream into a mixing bowl and using a hand mixer, beat on medium-high speed. Once cream has begun to thicken, add sugar and vanilla. Combine well, and continue to whip mixture until stiff peaks form. Lightly sprinkle with cinnamon. Servings:approx. 16 Prep Time:20 Minutes Cooking Time:20-25 Minutes By Laurel and Aiden from Port Orchard, WA
Cockatoo Rocks Out to Don't Be Cruel
____________________________________________________ Thanks to the tow-handle, the mileage is phenomenal! ___________________________________________________
I love mysteries!
From Jane: We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from New York to California and were looking for a place to spend the night. At four different motels, however, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies." Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked solemnly, "Mom, are we vacancies?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 26
1478 Pazzi conspirators attacked Lorenzo and killed Giuliano

1514 Copernicus made his first observations of Saturn. 

1607 The British established an American colony at Cape
Henry, Virginia. It was the first permanent English
establishment in the Western Hemisphere. 

1865 Joseph E. Johnston surrendered the Army of Tennessee to
Sherman during the American Civil War. 

1865 John Wilkes Booth was killed by the U.S. Federal

1921 Weather forecasts were heard for the first time on
radio in St. Louis, MO. 

1929 First non-stop flight from England to India was

1937 German planes attacked Guernica, Spain, during the
Spanish Civil War for the Spanish nationalist government.
This raid is considered one of the first to be attacks on a
civilian population by a modern air force. 

1945 Marshal Henri Philippe Petain, the head of France's
Vichy government during World War II, was arrested. 

1964 The African nations of Tanganyika and Zanzibar merged
to form Tanzania. 

1968 Students seized the administration building at Ohio
State University. 

1982 The British announced that Argentina had surrendered on
South Georgia. 

1985 In Argentina, a fire at a mental hospital killed 79
people and injured 247. 

1986 The world’s worst nuclear disaster to date occurred at
Chernobyl, in Ukraine. Thirty-one people died in the
incident and thousands more were exposed to radioactive

1998 Auxiliary Bishop Juan Gerardi Conedera was bludgeoned
to death two days after a report he'd compiled on atrocities
during Guatemala's 36-year civil war was made public. 

2000 Charles Wang and Sanjay Kumar purchased the NHL's New
York Islanders. 

2002 In Erfurt, Germany, an expelled student killed 17
people at his former school. The student then killed

2017  smiled.

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Humor: Danger of compressed "air" dusters 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, April 25

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Prisoner Tried To Carve ‘666’ Into His Forehead — 
It Didn’t Exactly go As Planned
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 25 in
1684 A patent was granted for the thimble. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882) Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied: "With whom?" "That's 'With WHO!' " the Judge thundered. That is an extra day picking up garbage along the highway, on top of the five each of you get for lying to me!" ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Here finally is a picture of the famous Bausell Sailor: Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Old Mugshot, does not include newest "features" Nikko Jenkins, 28, Omaha, Nebraska Prisoner Tried To Carve ‘666’ Into His Forehead — It Didn’t Exactly go As Planned In trying to prove he was crazy in a long shot bid to avoid the death penalty, Nikko Jenkins only ended up proving he was a major league moron. Jenkins, 28, attempted to carve “the mark of the beast” into his forehead. His major mistake was using a mirror, causing his “creation” to come out backward. However, with a series of upside-down 9s, Jenkins has fashioned himself an entirely unique – and irreversible – engraving. According to Omaha.com, Jenkins told his attorney about the incident in a phone call from his cell in Omaha, Nebraska. The 28-year-old is in an ongoing appeal that he is mentally unstable and therefore ineligible to face the death penalty. His failed stunt was an apparent attempt to help prove that case. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Martin Re: Compressed "air" Dear Webby I know you have long badmouthed and condemned the use of compressed air for computer cleaning, without ever stating your real reason. The kids already know and talk about it. Maybe it's as well that the parents and grandparents do too. (Yeah, I know, there are plenty of adult 'bone-heads" who would abuse them if told. Martin http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/dustoff.htm Dear Martin Yes, it is true that stooopid kids inhale the compressed "air" from those silly cans that are sold to bozos to blow dirt and small parts to harder to reach places. Techs have known or suspected for a long time that those companies like Dust-Off just ship their toxic waste gases all over the country, to get rid of them anywhere but in their own back yard. We have also known for a long time that a certain percentage of kids will sniff anything from gas to glue, if some other kids tell them it will make them experience something strange. So, since you now know that Dust-Off and similar cans of compressed "air" contain toxic waste gases, supposedly as a propellant, and that dumb kids sniff that stuff, don't bring it into the house. Sure, not all kids who huff the stuff will die, some will just get even dumber than they are. But a certain percentage WILL die from huffing. For the same cost as a large can of toxic waste gas propelled industrial air, you can get a small rechargeable battery powered vacuum cleaner and get rid of dust bunnies instead of blowing them underneath heat sinks and other hard to get to places. If you do feel the insane urge to blow dust from the computer all over the house, put the crevice tool onto the hose of the vacuum cleaner and plug the hose into the wrong end of the vacuum cleaner. The fans in the computer will suck the stuff back into the computer and you can repeat the procedure next spring. Have FUN! DearWebby
From a dozen years ago: Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California voters, but it was bumped so that Michael Jackson's verdict and a ton of ads could be televised. Arnold acted upset and said, if he can't speak to his voters, how can the [democrat] media misquote him?
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sap on Your Car It always best to remove sap from your car quickly, while it is still soft. The harder the sap gets, the tougher it is to remove and the more likely it is to scratch your car's finish. Make a paste with a mild abrasive like baking soda and apply to the sap, then rub it with a rag until the sap is removed. You can also try rubbing the sap with mayonnaise on a rag. I have also heard that WD-40 works well for softening sap so that it can be removed. Clean the area once the sap has been removed. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com
Grandmas' reality show!
____________________________________________________ A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held for him. The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl, who will want to know everything about you." "That's great !" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party, in the pond?" The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her next semester, in Biology lab!" ___________________________________________________
Celebrities when they were young.
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW DOWN! NUDIST COLONY
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 25
1590 The Sultan of Morocco launched his successful attack to
capture Timbuktu. 

1644 The Ming Chongzhen emperor committed suicide by hanging

1684 A patent was granted for the thimble. 

1707 At the Battle of Almansa, Franco-Spanish forces
defeated the Anglo-Portugese. 

1792 The guillotine was first used to execute highwayman
Nicolas J. Pelletier. 

1846 The Mexican-American War ignited as a result of
disputes over claims to Texas boundaries. The outcome of the
war fixed Texas' southern boundary at the Rio Grande River. 

1859 Work began on the Suez Canal in Egypt. 

1860 The first Japanese diplomats to visit a foreign power
reached Washington, DC. They remained in the U.S. capital
for several weeks while discussing expansion of trade with
the United States. 

1862 Union Admiral Farragut occupied New Orleans, LA. 

1864 After facing defeat in the Red River Campaign, Union
General Nathaniel Bank returned to Alexandria, LA. 

1867 Tokyo was opened for foreign trade. 

1882 French commander Henri Riviere seized the citadel of
Hanoi in Indochina. 

1898 The U.S. declared war on Spain. Spain had declared war
on the U.S. the day before. 

1901 New York became the first state to require license
plates for cars. The fee was $1. 

1915 During World War I, Australian and New Zealand troops
landed at Gallipoli in Turkey in hopes of attacking the
Central Powers from below. The attack was unsuccessful. 

1925 General Paul von Hindenburg took office as president of

1926 In Iran, Reza Kahn was crowned Shah and choose the name

1928 A seeing eye dog was used for the first time. 

1945 U.S. and Soviet forces met at Torgau, Germany on Elbe

1945 Delegates from about 50 countries met in San Francisco
to organize the United Nations. 

1952 After a three-day fight against Chinese Communist
Forces, the Gloucestershire Regiment was annihilated on
"Gloucester Hill," in Korea. 

1953 U.S. Senator Wayne Morse ended the longest speech in
U.S. Senate history. The speech on the Offshore Oil Bill
lasted 22 hours and 26 minutes. 

1953 Dr. James D. Watson and Dr. Francis H.C. Crick
suggested the double helix structure of DNA. 

1954 The prototype manufacture of the first solar battery
was announced by the Bell Laboratories in New York City. 

1957 Operations began at the first experimental sodium
nuclear reactor. 

1959 St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. The water way
connects the Great Lakes and the Atlantic Ocean. 

1961 Robert Noyce was granted a patent for the integrated

1962 The U.S. spacecraft, Ranger, crashed on the Moon. 

1967 Colorado Governor John Love signed the first law
legalizing abortion in the U.S. The law was limited to
therapeutic abortions when agreed to, unanimously, by a
panel of three physicians. 

1971 The country of Bangladesh was established. 

1974 Portuguese dictator Antonio Salazar was overthrown in a
military coup. 

1976 Portugal ratified a constitution. It was first revised
on October 30, 1982. 

1980 In Iran, a commando mission to rescue hostages was
aborted after mechanical problems disabled three of the
eight helicopters involved. During the evacuation, a
helicopter and a transport plane collided and exploded.
Eight U.S. servicemen were killed. The mission was aimed at
freeing American hostages that had been taken at the U.S.
embassy in Tehran on November 4, 1979. The event took place
April 24th Washington, DC, time. 

1982 In accordance with Camp David agreements, Israel
completed its Sinai withdrawal. 

1983 Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith
to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the
U.S. schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war. 

1983 The Pioneer 10 spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit,
speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way. 

1984 In France, over one million people demonstrated to show
they favored the decentralization of education. 

1987 In Washington, DC, 100,000 people protested the U.S.
policy in Central America. They didn't understand it, but
had a lot of fun protesting anyway.

1988 In Israel, John "Ivan the Terrible" Demjanuk was
sentenced to death as a Nazi war criminal. 

1990 Sandinista rule ended in Nicaragua. 

1990 The U.S. Hubble Space Telescope was placed into Earth's
orbit. It was released by the space shuttle Discovery. 

1992 Islamic forces in Afghanistan took control of most of
the capital of Kabul following the collapse of the Communist

1996 The main assembly of the Palestine Liberation
Organization voted to revoke clauses in its charter that
called for an armed struggle to destroy Israel. 

1998 U.S. first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on was
questioned by Whitewater prosecutors on videotape about her
work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at
the center of the investigation. 

2003 Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, the anti-apartheid leader
and ex-wife of former President Nelson Mandela, was
sentenced to four years in prison for her conviction on
fraud and theft charges. She was convicted of 43 counts of
fraud and 25 of theft of money from a women's political

2017  smiled.

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Fake "Email Account Suspension" Mail scam 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, April 24

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Connecticut dominatrix arrested for extortion
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 24 in
1967 The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. --- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821) The shortest distance between two points is under construction. --- Noelie Altito A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck. --- Adam Clayton Powell Jr., ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen." Now type the letter "p" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a "p". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT" "p" on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ More from Kati: Boudreaux's 17-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Den you try agin!" ______________________________________________________ Waiting long? ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Fatin Ann Ward, 35, Waterbury, Connecticut Connecticut dominatrix arrested for extortion A Connecticut dominatrix who describes herself as a “ruthless, plus size Bitch” in an online ad is locked up for allegedly extorting hush money from a 69-year-old man whom she recorded during their sessions, police report. According to an arrest warrant application, the victim hired Fatin Ann Ward, a 35-year-old convicted sex offender, after spotting an ad she placed on Backpage.com. The victim, a Mt. Kisco, New York resident, told police that he traveled to Ward’s Waterbury apartment for encounters with the dominatrix. In one online ad, Ward--identified as “Mistresses Teenie”-- declares that she is “black, dominant, ruthless” and has “the desire to walk all over you. Literally.” The ad concludes, “You shall submit yourself to me. Don't keep me waiting, give into your desires and release your finances over to me.” Ward’s client told police that she recorded him during one session. A subsequent police search of Ward’s phone turned up photos and videos of the client performing oral sex on Ward, sucking and rubbing her feet, and undressing and cleaning the 5' 6", 216-pound dominatrix’s oven. As first reported by the Republican-American's Jonathan Shugarts, Ward allegedly threatened to distribute the incriminating videos online unless the man paid her off. The victim, cops say, agreed to hush money payments in excess of $5000. The man, who provided Ward with more than half of the agreed upon amount, told investigators that the dominatrix contacted his wife and forwarded her the embarrassing videos. In a phone call monitored by police, Ward allegedly threatened to also send the footage to the victim’s children. As police executed a search warrant at her home, Ward told investigators that she had not threatened the client, though she did acknowledge that the man had not paid what he owed her. Ward told cops that she had told the victim his wife would “have a heart attack if she knew about his fetish for black women.” Pictured above, Ward was arrested last week on larceny, voyeurism, and disseminating voyeuristic materials charges. She is locked up in lieu of $100,000 bond. According to the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division, Ward--who has also used the surname Ahmad--is a Tier II sex offender. She was convicted in October 2000 of an attempted lewd act on a minor, a felony for which she served state prison time. Ward is required to register as a sex offender in both South Carolina, where she was convicted, and Connecticut, where she now resides. Her victim is a bonehead too, but there is no name or mugshot available. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Angel Re: "Email Account Suspension" Mail sent by scammer Dear Webby I received all kinds of weird mail threatening to suspend my email account if I did not open some attachment and do this or that. The mails pretended to be from some team at my domain. Well, as you know, my team is me and my dog, and neither one of us sends silly emails to the other. What is it all about and how do I stop it? Angel Dear Angel It's some silly spam sent by a scammer. Just make a filter in MailWasher that looks for "Email Account Suspension" in the subject line, and tell it to trash that mail automatically. You won't see another one. Don't worry about that filter accidentally dumping legitimate mail. Nobody will announce suspending anybody's email. If email has to be messed with, because that address has not been checked in a long time, and the mail box has over 20 MB of spam in it, then there is no point adding a suspension notice to the end of that. The box will simply be dumped when it goes over the limit. Have FUN! DearWebby
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the dopey anaesthesiologist!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Alternatives To Dryer Sheets By marilyn shipman [16 Posts, 4 Comments] Aluminum Foil as Alternative to Fabric Sheets By marilyn shipman [16 Posts, 4 Comments] If you don't have fabric sheets or just don't want to buy them, try using aluminum foil instead! Crumple up a sheet of aluminum foil into a ball and toss it into the dryer. It eliminates static cling, lasts a long, long time, and costs practically nothing! By Marilyn from Colfax, LA
Demolition phone call
____________________________________________________ A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." ___________________________________________________
Splattered ink animal paintings.
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 24
1519 Envoys of Montezuma II attended the first Easter mass
in Central America. 

1547 Charles V's troops defeated the Protestant League of
Schmalkalden at the battle of Muhlburg. 

1558 Mary, Queen of Scotland, married the French dauphin,

1800 The Library of Congress was established with a $5,000

1805 The U.S. Marines attacked and captured the town of
Derna in Tripoli. 

1833 A patent was granted for first soda fountain. 

1877 Russia declared war on the Ottoman Empire. 

1877 In the U.S., federal troops were ordered out of New
Orleans. This was the end to the North's post-Civil War rule
in the South. 

1884 Otto von Bismarck cabled Cape Town that South Africa
was now a German colony. 

1889 The Edison General Electric Company was organized. 

1897 William Price became the first to be named White House
news reporter. 

1898 Spain declared war on the U.S., rejecting America's
ultimatum for Spain to withdraw from Cuba. 

1915 During World War I, the Ottoman Turkish Empire began
the mass deportation of Armenians. 

1916 Irish nationalists launched the Easter Rebellion
against British occupation forces. They were overpowered
several days later. 

1944 The first B-29 arrived in China, over the Hump of the

1953 Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 

1955 "X-Minus One," a science fiction show, was first heard
for the first time on NBC radio. 

1961 U.S. President Kennedy accepted "sole responsibility"
following Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. 

1962 MIT sent a TV signal by satellite for the first time. 

1967 Soviet astronaut Vladimir Komarov died when his craft
crashed with a tangled parachute. 

1967 The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts.

1970 The People's Republic of China launched its first

1973 Albert Sabin reported that herpesviruses were factors
in nine kinds of cancer. 

1974 David Bowie released "Diamond Dogs." 

1989 Thousands of students began striking in Beijing. 

1990 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape
Canaveral, FL. It was carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space

1997 The U.S. Senate ratified the Chemical Weapons
Convention. The global treaty banned the development,
production, storage and use of chemical weapons. 

2000 ABC-TV aired the TV movie "The Three Stooges." 

2003 A U.S. official reported that North Korea had claimed
to have nuclear weapons. 

2017  smiled.

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Anti Static strap 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 23

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
2 NH women arrested for Pizza Dewlivery man stabbing
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 23 in
1500 Pedro Cabal claimed Brazil for Portugal. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. --- George Burns (1896 - 1996) I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. --- Franklin P. Adams ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Donna rides the bus to work every day. Today she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its just a tremendous build up of gas from something she ate. The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts and it will rattle and bang and make lots of noise. She will be able to pass this gas and nobody will know. What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs across the railroad tracts. So last night he stayed after work and had the maintenance crew tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all the moving parts to quiet down the old bus. Well, here come the railroad tracts, Donna raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was one long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as everybody started looking around. Donna thought that maybe no one knew who did it and that she should just act natural. She thought she should just start a conversation with someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned over to the man sitting across the aisle and casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?' He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves.' ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Debra Pitts, 31, Jennifer Tozzi, 34, Claremont NH 2 NH women arrested for Pizza Dewlivery man stabbing Two women face felony charges in connection with the stabbing and armed robbery of a pizza delivery man Saturday morning, police said. The incident happened on Trinity Street and the victim, who was not identified, was treated and released from Valley Regional Hospital, Claremont Police Capt. Brent Wilmot said in a news release. Acting in part on tips from the public and an investigation that included reviewing video surveillance footage from a nearby location, police arrested Debra Pitts, 31, of Claremont, and Jennifer Tozzi, 34, at a Claremont residence at about 7:30 p.m. Saturday. Tozzi also had a warrant out for her arrest in connection an incident out of Grafton County, police said. Her hometown was not indicated in the release. Pitts faces a robbery charge and Tozzi has been charged with conspiracy to commit robbery. The charges filed against both are Class A felony-level offenses, the release said. Pitts and Tozzi remain in custody and scheduled to be arraigned on Monday in Claremont District Court. An earlier police news release said an order from Domino’s was being delivered to an apartment on Trinity Street when the delivery driver was attacked as he arrived at the apartment. The driver was stabbed several times and a small amount of money was taken. A neighbor who heard the attack intervened and threatened to call the police, at which point the two suspects fled on foot in the direction of Franklin Street. Pitts lives on Trinity Street, though Police Chief Mark Chase declined to say whether she had initiated the call to Dominos. “This has all the signs that it’s more than likely drug- related,” Chase said before the arrests were made. “We’re definitely looking at that angle. It’s just what everybody in the state is dealing with.” Staff at the Claremont Dominos on Saturday morning acknowledged that the driver was recovering from his injuries, but referred questions to a manager, who did not immediately respond to requests for comment. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rosalind Re: Static strap Dear Webby Have to install an ether port in the tower and the book says I should wear an grounding wrist strap available at most electronics stores. Before I spend the money I would like your opinion as to the necessity of wearing one. Thanks for your newsletter, pictures and always dependable advice. Rosalind Dear Rosalind Double your money. Just fold it in half and stick it back into your wallet. With today's electronics, static is not really a problem any more. However, if you routinely get zapped when you touch door knobs or the back of the computer, then take a couple of feet of any flexible wire, strip the insulation of the last few inches, tie one end to bare metal at the back of the computer, and loop the other end through your watch band o around your wrist. When you work on the computer, always leave it plugged in, so that it is properly grounded. Anybody who tells you to unplug the computer is a clueless idiot. Turn the switch on the power supply in the back to OFF. It will cut off all power, but will leave the ground securely connected. When done, remember to turn the power supply switch back ON. Make sure that your Ethernet cable is long enough, plug it into the port, and secure the cable to any vent holes in the back with a tight nylon quick-tie. That way no strain is put onto the delicate socket and plug, and it is not damaged when somebody trips over the cable or somebody pulls on it while trying to straighten out the cable mess behind the computer. Have FUN! DearWebby
A five-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, 'Marian, Marian!' Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, 'You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know.' 'I know,' said the kid, 'but the store is full of mothers.'
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reheating Evenly in a Microwave Oven By ShirleyE [162 Posts, 103 Comments] When reheating a meal on a plate in your microwave oven, arrange the food in a ring to help heat it more evenly.
Demolition phone call
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Kati for this story: An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" ___________________________________________________
Splattered ink animal paintings.
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. " We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars " "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, on April 23
1348 The first English order of knighthood was founded. It
was the Order of the Garter. 

1500 Pedro Cabal claimed Brazil for Portugal. 

1521 The Comuneros were crushed by royalist troops in Spain.

1635 The Boston Public Latin School was established. It was
the first public school building in the United States. 

1759 The British seized Basse-Terre and Guadeloupe in the
Antilies from France. 

1789 U.S. President George Washington moved into Franklin
House, New York. It was the first executive mansion. 

1789 "Courier De Boston" was published for the first time.
It was the first Roman Catholic magazine in the U.S. 

1826 Missolonghi fell to Egyptian forces. 

1861 Arkansas troops seized Fort Smith. 

1895 Russia, France, and Germany forced Japan to return the
Liaodong peninsula to China. 

1896 The Vitascope system for projecting movies onto a
screen was demonstrated in New York City. 

1900 The word "hillbilly" was first used in print in an
article in the "New York Journal." It was spelled "Hill-

1908 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt signed an act
creating the U.S. Army Reserve. 

1920 The Turkish Grand National Assembly had its first
meeting in Ankara. 

1924 The U.S. Senate passed the Soldiers Bonus Bill. 

1945 The Soviet Army fought its way into Berlin. 

1950 Chaing evacuated Hainan, leaving mainland China to Mao
and the communists. 

1951 The Associated Press began use of the new service of
teletype setting. 

1967 The Soyuz 1 was launched by Russia. 

1971 The Soyuz 10 was launched. 

1981 The Soviet Union conducted an underground nuclear test
at their Semipaltinsk (Kazakhstan) test site. 

1982 The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that
consumer prices declined the previous month (March). It was
the first decline in almost 17 years. 

1985 The Coca-Cola Company announced that it was changing
its 99-year-old secret formula. New Coke was not successful,
which resulted in the resumption of selling the original

1988 A U.S. federal law took effect that banned smoking on
flights that were under two hours. 

1988 In Martinez, CA, a drain valve was left open at the
Shell Marsh. More than 10,000 barrels of oil poured into the
marsh adjoining Peyton Slough. 

1988 Kanellos Kanelopoulos set three world records for
human-powered flight when he stayed in the air for 74 miles
and four hours in his pedal-powered "Daedalus". 

1996 An auction of the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis'
possessions began at Sotheby's in New York City. The sale
brought in #34.5 million. 

1997 An infertility doctor in California announced that a
63-year-old woman had given birth in late 1996. The child
was from a donor egg. The woman is the oldest known woman to
give birth. 

1999 In Washington, DC, the heads of state and government of
the 19 NATO nations celebrated the organization's 50th

2003 U.S. President George W. Bush signed legislation that
authorized the design change of the 5-cent coin (nickel) for
release in 2004. It was the first change to the coin in 65
years. The change, to commemorate the 200th anniversary of
the Louisiana Purchase, was planned to run for only two
years before returning to the previous design. 

2004 U.S. President George W. Bush eased sanctions against
Libya in return for Moammar Gadhafi's agreement to give up
weapons of mass destruction. 

2005 The first video was uploaded to YouTube.com. 

2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 1 billion applications
bought and downloaded. 

2017  smiled.

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