SP3 panic mongering 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 21, 2009


"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going." --- Socratex
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, are you the boss of the house?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added, "Did Mommy tell you that you can play boss tonight, Daddy?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art and the best I could find." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Careful with those Christmas Lights!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Train buffs go loco Train buffs are facing jail after building their own ramshackle locomotive and taking it on the public rail network. The six-seater train - made out of garden furniture and salvaged train parts - was powered by an electric motor ( Looks like a gasoline engine to me! ) and even had its own refreshments car in the shape of a crate of beer. Police in Erfut, Germany, were alerted after residents of properties adjoining the railway spotted the unorthodox vehicle - and were aware that there should have been no traffic running. Police however had to call in a helicopter to find and follow the makeshift train as the police cars could not follow it along the tracks. The helicopter pilot was able to radio ahead to other officers who set up a makeshift barrier at a station to stop it. Railway bosses had been asked to suspend all services to avoid a collision although the train buffs had chosen to have their drive when there had been no trains scheduled. "It seems to be one of those mad pub ideas that actually happened. They didn't seem to realise they could have caused a serious accident if they'd got anywhere near a real train," said one officer, who did not seem to realize that trains there run on a very strict schedule, with two hour gaps in between trains. Six men, who were arrested on the unauthorised vehicle, are currently facing public safety charges.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jen Re: SP3 Panic Dear Webby, I understand that Windows is going to end support for SP2 in July of 2010. It is being recommended to add SP3 in order to continue getting updates and security fixes. What's your recommendation? Thanks, Jen Merry Christmas!!!! Dear Jen My recommendation is to NOT risk messing up your computer this close to Christmas. SP3 works OK on 60% of all Windows computers, and messes up on 40%.. If it turns out that you dearly miss the dedicated and useful support by Microsoft after next July, then you can still do the gamble then. Until then, don't worry about it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Pillow Shams On Your Sofa Use pretty pillow sham covers as pillows on your sofa or as throw cushions! I see these all the time at Goodwill for a buck or two, and I decided to make use of them. My kids like to use them as floor pillows, as well. Plus if your sofa is kind of tired looking you can add a couple and give it a whole new look. By Carol from Landisville, PA For those, who commute to work without the benefit of Gullible Warming, cut some white 3/16" packing foam to the size of the sham, and stuff 3-4 layers of it into the sham. Ideally, use the glossy pearl white foam, that has a waxy feel to it, and in between layers use the very thin and flimsy open cell foam. That keeps the layers from shifting, plus either static electricity or some wonderous magic, warms up the sham as soon as you sit on it. Princess Auto used to sell those in the 70's as "Self Heating Seat Pads", and I used them until I left the Yukon in 2000. At -50º a soft and warm sham instead of a rock-hard frozen seat makes a world of difference! If you use a sham that fits into your briefcase, you can keep it even warmer for the trip home. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their soup, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the wine had been enjoyed more than anticipated and a lot earlier than planned. So she jumped in the car and raced to the liquor store to get more and was in such a hurry on the way back that when she drove over the edge of the curb at the entrance or something near it, that she didn't even take the time to check what it was. Just before the maid was supposed to serve the main course, the maid again called the hostess to the kitchen. This time she told her that some time in the afternoon the cat had must have climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen again, and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway, where you ran over it on the way back from the liquor store."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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went to the eye doctor. The receptionist asked why was there. complained, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asked, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" replied, "No, just spots."

» Funky Art Gadget Tree
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Lost Bookmarks 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 20, 2009


An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. --- John H. Patterson First things first, but not necessarily in that order. --- Doctor Who "Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats." --- Howard Aiken
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Sandy was sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor came in and said, "Sandy, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice." "Oh my god" sandra said, "I've got to get to a phone." "Why?" asked the doctor. "I may have packed the other bottle in Michael's lunch box."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jerzy Jancewicz, 48 Bytom in Poland Burglar found hiding in fridge Police officers in Poland cracked a cold case when they finally found a burglar - hiding in a fridge. The 48-year old crook, from Bytom in Poland, had broken into an office block but was spotted by a security guard and fled before police arrived. Police then received a tip off he was hiding out in his mistress's apartment but a search showed no trace of him. But just as officers were preparing to leave they heard sneezing - coming from inside the fridge. When they opened the door of the fridge, they found Jerzy Jancewicz curled up and shivering. "I don't know how long he'd been in there but he'd caught a cold as a result," said police spokesman Adam Jakubiak. "Officers gave him a blanket and a pack of tissues before taking him away."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bev Re: Lost Bookmarks Dear Webby, I just ran crap cleaner and now all my "pop downs", the sites I go to everyday, are gone. Is there anyway to get them back? Thank you, Bev Dea Bev That sounds like you told it to clean your bookmarks and cookies, and it obediently did as told. Usually, unless you are concerned about hubby finding out about your nasty habits, it is best to take the checkmarks off the bookmarks, cookies and history. That feature in CrapCleaner is intended to safely obliterate your tracks, and I don't think there is a way to undo that. Just take those checkmarks off, so that you won't accidentally do that again. Have FUN! DearWebby
While on board a Navy carrier, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We awe hunting submawenes."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop Other Thrift Stores Before Goodwill I was just reading the comments on the "Saving Money On Jeans" post, and I agree with the poster who said that Goodwill is getting "expensive"! There was a bigger, nicer Goodwill building built here in my city a few years ago, but on recent trips there, I've noticed that the prices are rather high (at least for a thrift store, in my opinion). My best friend used to work for them, and said that they often get brand new merchandise donated to them from Target and other stores. However, there are at least two other different thrift stores here in my city, and I know that at least one of them also gets donations from Target, and they have much lower prices. Once I bought a Target item from Goodwill, only to find it about $1.25 cheaper at Salvation Army! So my tip is to check out all the thrift stores in your area and compare prices. You might find some of the same items there, and get them cheaper than you would at Goodwill. I do still shop at Goodwill, but after I've looked at the other thrift stores first! By Lisa from Kenosha, WI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "I doubt that!" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of prunes?" The clerk replies, "Sure, Canned or Dried?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it, 15 to 2."

» Strange Coconuts
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Printing e-Books 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 19, 2009


"A champion owes everybody something. He can never pay back for all the help he got, for making him an idol." --- Jack Dempsey The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, --and let the air out of the tires. --- Dorothy Parker
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, wide-eyed, "How old are you now?"
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy." "Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
Santa's Comment:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jordan S. Christensen, 19, of Appleton, Wisconsin No dates for Interstate dater APPLETON, Wis. (AP) - A Wisconsin teenager will need legal permission to date girls for the next three years after he was convicted of fleeing to Tennessee with his girlfriend in a stolen car. Nineteen-year-old Jordan S. Christensen of Appleton was sentenced Friday to one year in jail and three years' probation. Outagamie County Judge John Des Jardins has ordered "no dating of the opposite sex without permission of your probation agent." Christensen had pleaded no contest to charges of auto theft, stealing a firearm and bail jumping. He apologized for his actions before the sentencing. Investigators say Christensen stole his foster parents' car May 26 and fled to the Memphis area with his 16-year-old girlfriend, after jumping bail on a different offense..
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Evelyn Re: Printing e-Books Dear Webby, What is the best way to print e-Books? Evelyn Dear Evelyn By far the best way is to use ClickBook. I have personally used it for about 10 years now, with all kinds of different printers, and it has saved me a ton of paper and ink and toner during that time. That is why I have had a link to it in the side menu all these years. When you install it, it shows up as a printer to choose when printing. To print with it, you select one of almost 200 different formats, for example 4 pages per sheet paperback book size, folded, not cut. Then it shuffles the pages and prints one side of the sheets, tells you to grab the stack of printed pages and drop them straight down into the paper tray. You do that and ckick OK, and it prints the back sides. When done, you simply fold the stack and shoot some staples through the fold. All the pages will be in proper sequence, with the proper ones in the back of each one, just like with a store bought book. If you want to cut the pages in half and punch them for a ring binder, you simply select that format. All the fancy math for the page shuffling is done automatically. There are almost 200 formats you can choose from, even for specialized, odd size binders like the Franklin Planner. In summary, ClickBooks saves you 3/4 the paper and ink or toner, makes the book fit on the little tray in an airplane, and at home fits onto your paperback size shelves. Have FUN! DearWebby
Jill was selling tickets at the movie. A woman asked her: "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Four dollars." She said, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, four dollars per seat." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Energy Using Night Lights I purchased white night lights that have an on/off switch from the dollar store, for all over our house. We find they put out plenty of light. For example in the bathroom, the light is fine to use the bathroom, brush our teeth, get dressed, etc. We then switch them off and use the brighter lights as necessary for combing hair, applying makeup, etc. Another example is in larger rooms, someone reading may use a brighter light to read by, and you could use a night light on the other side of the room where someone is watching TV or just relaxing. By Deborah from Terre Hill, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said," go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said. My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store." And with that, he picked up his paluminum pipe and carried it off the bus.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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At the grocery store I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case and was showing off a rather scary balancing act. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

» Asia before 1947
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Which Power Point Viewer? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 18, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


"Children have more need of models than of critics." -- Joseph Joubert (1754-1824) "A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's." -- Jean Paul Richter (1763-1825)
At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie and was romancing the solitary waitress there. All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the trucker to start something. But the trucker didn't say anything, just paid his bill and walked out. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like your boyfriend ain't much of a man." The waitress just leaned on the cash register and looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he ain't much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over three bikes out there."
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure me and my rolling pin would be waiting for you at the front door."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Radim Kopecky, 22, from the Czech Republic Man thanks judge for Xmas jail term A Czech man who threatened to carry on breaking the law so he could spend Xmas in jail thanked the judge who finally obliged him. Czech citizen Radim Kopecky, 22, told the court in Korneuburg, Austria, that life in jail - especially at Christmas - was much better than living as a free man in his home land. He was looking forward to having a roof over his head, the company of other convicts and regular meals. He said: "I came to Austria to get myself jailed. My life will be better now." He repeatedly stole and then turned himself in to Austrian cops each time - begging them to see he was sent to jail. Finally, he was sentenced to 16 months and two days in prison for stealing sweets worth £2. He told the court after he was sentenced: "I would like to say thank you very, very much dear judge for jailing me."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Power Point Reader Dear Webby, my friend can not see any powerpoint presentations I send her in my email. I know I just downloaded a free one years ago. On your Web Tools you have something called PowerPoint Reader. If I send her this, could she download it free and then see the shows I send her? Which year is best to download? I have 2003. Should I download a newer version? I love what I have so probably best to leave it alone. Thanks for you help. I enjoy your letter so much and I continue to vote each day. Carolyn Dear Carolyn The Microsoft PowerPoint Reader in my Tool Box works OK. If it works fine for you, don't worry about downloading updates. It probably has been updated with the regular Windows Updates anyway. The one built into Open Office (Open Office is also in the Tool Box, it works even better, especially if she wants to snag the odd picture. That one opens in harvesting mode by default, and you hit F5 for auto-play. Have FUN! DearWebby
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Packing Peanuts in Plant Containers Like many others I use packing peanuts in my flower containers. I don't have to use as much potting soil, and it keeps my containers lighter. This year I went to go change out the soil in my biggest container. I had to hand pick out each peanut from the soil. What a chore! When I went to replace the peanuts this time, I put them in an onion net bag and tied the bag off. Next time I go to change out the potting soil it will be a snap! By Liz from New Baden, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

» Manhattan
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Online Voting 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 17, 2009


"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." ---Sam Levenson
A granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with Nancy, and she decided to teach her to sew. After she had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, the granddaughter stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief: "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying: TREE FELLERS WANTED. "Ohhh, to be sure, too be sure!" said one. "What a shame there are only the too of us!"
Where is that?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Francis Viliar, 36, in Boston, Mass Dopey crook mutilated his finger tips BOSTON (AP) - Police said a Boston man wanted for drug trafficking tried to hide his identity by cutting off his fingertips. State Police spokesman David Procopio said Monday that Francis Viliar admitted to police that he paid someone $400 to slice off the fleshy pads at the ends of his fingers. The 36-year-old was arrested Friday after state police pulled him over for speeding in Brockton. He was charged with giving a false name and carrying a dangerous weapon. During booking, officers discovered that his fingertips were covered in scar tissue. FBI specialists were still able to identify Viliar, who had 13 warrants, using ridges from the prints.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lillian Re: Vote! Dear Webby, *Please* put in a little message for me, in your newsletter ! * Webby only needs.. ...*1,118 Votes*..... to hit the* 50,000* mark !! Come on everybody let's do it !!!! Webby has earned it !!!! .... (*Thanks for all the wonderful info you give us !! * ) Lillian Victoria, B.C. Thanks, Lillian! Have FUN! DearWebby
A Guy and his wife are riding two up on a bike along a twisty road with a 55MPH limit. A cop pulls them over. "Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the cop. "Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up someone else or something, but my speedometer was set right on 55." The wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've told you 20 miles back you were going to get stopped if you didn't slow down." "Quiet please!" mumbles the guy. "Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop. "Sure, my card is right here in my wallet." The wife says, "That card's no good and you know it. You haven't paid the last premium and the company sent you a cancellation notice." "Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut up for a minute?" "Ma'am," says the cop. "Does this guy always talk to you like this?" "Only when he's been drinking."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stacks Books Under Lamps With the cute lamps that I'd like for my living room being to expensive for me right now, I have to make due with what I have, so I've taken little, less expensive lamps and put them on books! It looks real cute and all you have to do is pile-up some books, what ever height you'd like and put the lamp on top. Hard cover, paperback, cookbooks; they all work! My daughter has started do it also. She's not much of a reader now, working and being busy with children, so she picked some up at yard sales and library sales! Hope this helps someone out! By Corky from Dunkirk, NY You better make a cage for those tall stacks of books, otherwise you are just one little nudge away from a major mess and a broken lamp! Oak or plastic wood look L-shaped corner molding is cheap and works well. It can be glued and screwed to a bottom and top piece of wood. If you tie the stack first with flower wire, hay wire or dental floss, from corner to corner, while somebody sits on the stack, and then hide the wire with the corner molding, the stack will be as solid and steady as a concrete column. Another trick for nice floor standing lights is to make miniature antique gas light poles. The trickiest part is making a form for the pedestal, however, it does not have to be perfect! Then get a pipe and bend it, so that it has a fairly tight right angle at the bottom and touches the form, when the upright part is in the center of the pedestal, and a gentle lamp post curve at the top. Electrical conduit works well, is cheap, and you can get a fitting to match any lamp for less than a dollar. Fill the form with cheap gypsum and water mix. You can stretch it by tossing rocks into it, but not near the outside. Also get a bunch of old rope, or make some from rags. Gypsum hardens fast, and after half an hour or so the pedestal is solid. Wrap the rope or rags around the pole and smear it with gypsum. Mix small batches for that, because it hardens quickly! Once it starts hardening, you can NOT soften it by adding water. Look at a picture of an old gas light pole. Most are 8-sided, and some are nicely fluted. Cut a scraper with the desired shape from a coffee can lid, and use that to scrape the column. Gypsum is only about as hard as cheese during the first few hours, and not much harder after that. It can be shaped easily. You can stop at any time and do another section the next weekend. When you got the column finished and it has dried completely, you can paint it with a bronze patina look-alike paint. Shove the lamp cord through the pipe after removing the pedestal form, attach the lamp to the top, and you have a floor standing lamp that looks like you paid thousands of dollars for it, and is heavy enogh so that kids won't knock it over. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned. "Well," she says, "we met by accident. I ran into his wheelchair with the car."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Jack had the toughest time of his life. First, he got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as he was recovering from these, he got tuberculosis, pneumonia and pythisis. Then he got hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Jack completely lost his memory for a while. He had diabetes and indigestion, as well as gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. It was the hardest spelling test he ever took.

» Emirates
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Fonts are too large 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 16, 2009


The nicest thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. --- Ken Olsen Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --- Mark Twain
Teacher: If your father earned $100.00 and gave half to your mother, what would she have? Little Johnny: A heart attack!
News Item: An Oregon State University animal rights activist denounces vegetarianism because mice, moles and rabbits are often killed in the preparation of farmland to grow vegetables. You might want to stop eating until the dogooders sort this out.
Large
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to James and Wayne Snell, in Cardiff, England Bank robbery with personalized license plate A GANG of robbers have been jailed after one used his car with a personalised plate to set up a job. Read more: http://snipurl.com/tpn48 [www_thesun_co_uk] Blundering James Snell was spotted in his BMW with the registration "J4MES" as he nicked a heavy drain cover. The cover was used to smash a bank window in a £104,000 raid - and Snell was tracked down after a witness remembered seeing the number plate and told cops. Snell, 27, his brother Wayne, 34, and two other crooks have now been jailed for a total of 38 years over the robbery in Cardiff. The city's Crown Court heard the gang struck as security guards were refilling a Halifax branch cash machine around midnight. Two raiders used metal drain covers to shatter the window while a third threatened the guards with a bat and the fourth waited in a stolen getaway car. A council highways official later identified one of the covers. The witness had seen it being pinched by a man in a sporty blue BMW with a personal plate. The car was found at a house where the Snell brothers were caught red-handed with £30,000. Prosecutor Daniel Williams said: "It was the distinctiveness of the car which contributed to the robbers' undoing." The Snells and Adam Abbot, 38, admitted robbery. Carl Campion, 44, had denied the charge but was found guilty at a separate trial.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Font sizes too big Dear Webby, I use McAfee Security and when I went to look at it yesterday, the font size is much larger and I can't navigate to all the different things I want to look at. This happened to me several years ago and I can vaguely remember that I had to change the setting on the computer, but have searched and searched and cannot find it. This has also affected my Weatherbug... Can the guru help me? Donna Dear Donna Make sure that your resolution is set to HiColor and the highest comfortable resolution. Sometimes games change that to 256 colors and a rather coarse resolution. That would cause the McAfee and WeatherBug panels to display huge and weird. Try right-clicking on the desktop, Properties, Settings Set the resolution to the highest that you are comopfrtable with. I have used 1600 x 1200 for about a dozen years, and anything coarser than that, looks awful to me. Then click on Advanced an in there play with the DPI setting. Theoretically that should change the font sizes in the McAfee panel. That should do the trick. Have FUN! DearWebby
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soda Bottles for Spaghetti Keep your large 2-liter bottles for storing spaghetti. After you wash the bottles, stuff paper towels inside to help draw out the water. Making sure the bottle is dry, put in your spaghetti. This takes time, but the result is worth it to me, because it will dispense a serving of spaghetti with just a shake of the wrist. It's easier for me than having to deal with spaghetti from a bag or plastic container. It seems to scatter all over the place. By Tim from Science Hill, KY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Recently on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "As per federal regulations every 500th landing has to be a manual landing, not on auto-pilot. Our new co-pilot will be performing his first manual landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." Well, the plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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Two cowboys were scouting near their fort and worrying that the Indians might be overrunning them. As they listened to the distant pounding war drums, one cowboy muttered to the other: "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, an apologetic voice came from behind a bush, "Our regular drummer slept in."

» Alfredo's Artwork
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Is Hotmail a recruiter for Gmail ? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 15, 2009
and -28 º
No Gullible Warming here!


"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company." --- George Washington
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Tom replied, "The same place you got your train!"
Climate Gate
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Devan LeAnn 30, of Shongaloo, Louisiana Using mattress pad as air mattress Thirty-year-old Devan LeAnn of Shongaloo, Louisiana, was visiting Lake Ehrling with a male friend. Recent bouts of heavy rain had resulted in a flood of runoff water, and they decided "it would be fun" to take a mattress careening down the surging water in the spillway. Unfortunately Leann was riding a foam egg-crate style mattress pad, rather than a buoyant air mattress. Imagine a wet foam pad. Are you sinking yet? According to her friend, Devan LeAnn simply vanished from sight at dusk. The next morning her body was found in a tangle of trees 70 yards below the spillway. Parents, warn your children! Wetting the bed can be deadly.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cindy Re: Hotmail problems Dear Webby, I miss you like a favorite neighbor that just moved away! Like a divorce in the family! About a month ago, I got a "backdoor" virus. My computer was used to send out spam. I immediately remedied the problem. However, I was left without my daily Dear Webby fix. I attempted to resubscribe. But got a notice that I'm already subscribed. Is there anything you can do - or I can do - to get me off the black-ball list from wherever I'm being stopped? I REALLY miss you. In the 15 years that I've been receiving laughter and computer help over the internet, there's never been anyone who comes close to the quality of information and laughter that you put out. I don't want to spend the rest of my computer years without you! Please help. And, if you print this letter: Message to your other readers. GET OUT THERE AND VOTE FOR DEAR WEBBY - LET'S PUT HIM OVER 50,000 VOTES THIS YEAR. After all he's done for you - clicking on the link to vote is the least you can do! Thanks for everything, Cindy Dear Cindy Your temporary virus problem was most likely just coincidentally around the time when Hotmail was updated and lost the ability to deliver newsletters. I am still sending your newsletter out to you every night. However, once your subscription has entered the ho'mail servers, there is nothing more that I can do about it. The Dear Webby Humor newsletter is sent from a server that has 1) Listed Sender ID, 2) Permanent IP address, 3) Proper SPF record, 4) Matching forward and reverse DNS, 5) Approved privacy policy, 6) Full contact information, 7) Is strictly Double Opt-In, 8) Is not on any blacklist, 9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming, 10) Is family safe 11) Has live, same day response to replies 12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing 13) Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every newsletter 14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises 15) Works fine with all competent mail services The Dear Webby Humor Letter is "The Good Example" for all other newsletters. I got all 15 points. There simply is nothing more, that I can do from my side, to get through to you. You can try wasting time cussing at the Taliban at ho'mail support, or you can get a respectable and reliable address. By the way, you are not the only one suffering from the gross incompetence at Hotmail. They simply are not competent enough any more to deliver newsletters. If you can't use your ISP based email address, try gmail. Millions of former ho'mail victims have found refuge there, and Google probably considers Hotmail and MSN as their top recruiting agency. Have FUN! DearWebby
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed. Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought her a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Why can't I have some variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought her two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!" Kathy was furious, "You Bozo, you scrambled the wrong egg!" That's when Anthony grew up and helped her wear both.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Create a Tree With Your Children With the economy like it is these days, it may be difficult to afford the Christmas tree this season. Here is a simple solution. While kids are so young they will not always remember the decorative Christmas tree with presents underneath. Trees are expensive! Instead of a tree that may shed, cause allergies, or one that you have to pay $300 for, why don't you make your own? All you have to do, is find some wall space, get a nice sized roll of paper, (however big you want the tree to be) and paint, color or draw a tree! Have the kids participate. It is a fun project and you also get a chance to bond with your children. You can use glitter for garland. Put up baby pictures as ornaments. You get the idea! On the special day you can even put your gifts underneath. By Erin from St. Louis, MO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

4 year old Zachary came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mom that he had dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So she fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to moms bathroom and came out with her toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw yours out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet last week."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

» Model Makers
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Microsoft Security Essentials 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 14, 2009
and -30 º
No Gullible Warming here!
Actually, the temperature is quite a bit below the seasonal 
averages for the last 20 years.


Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --- Laurence J. Peter The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler
Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument sometimes. Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Canadian Ford
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tita Nyambi, 25, of Franklin, N.J. Man dressed up as his mother to steal from her bank account 25-year-old Tita Nyambi, of Franklin, N.J., drove up to the drive-through window of the bank and handed over his mother's driving license and a forged bank form. Bank employees quickly became suspicious that the man dressed in women's clothing and speaking in a high-pitched voice was not in fact Mrs. Nyambi, and called the police. According to authorities, Nyambi was wearing his mother's pink blouse, black coat and head scarf. He was still at the bank when police arrived and arrested him. He was taken to jail, and faces charges of forgery and attempted theft by deception.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron P Re: Microsoft Security Essentials Dear Webby, I just have a question about Microsoft Security Essentials. What is your opinion. I am using Avast but if that is better I may try it. Avast seems to slow things down a bit. Thanks as always. RON P Dear Ron I often compare security programs with motorcycle helmets. We all know some people, for whom a used Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket would be a waste of good cardboard, and others, for whom a $599 Bell helmet would be well worth it. What is your data worth, to YOU? My data is well worth $30 a year for McAfee. And it is a and tax deductible business expense. Avast used to be better than MSE, but lately they have had some problems and have been causing some unhappiness. Right now I could not recommend neither Avast nor Microsoft Security Essentials Have FUN! DearWebby
While John and Jill were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short form-fitting dress strolled by... Johns eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item Jill was examining, Jill asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in now?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Vinegar as a Natural Odor Eliminator I buy a plain spray bottle and fill it up with Apple Cider Vinegar and when a nasty odor permeates the house, I use this. Put it on mist and smell how the odor disappears. You may smell vinegar at first, but then a freshness will override the vinegar. It's cheaper and healthier than the store-bought sprays! By Delta from Jackson, Miss Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered, "Insanity." The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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» Citrus
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Attachments versus links 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 13, 2009

What happened? The votes dropped below 100 ! Too busy with Christmas shopping? " The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." --- B. F. Skinner "I make money using my brains and lose money listening to my heart. But in the long run my books balance pretty well." --- Kate Seredy
The first time I heard the following joke, it was told to me about 20 years ago by Danny, a part time carpet layer. Knowing what he smoked some of the time, I actually believed him. According to his story, Danny had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out into the hallway for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He rummaged in his toolbox and found a butt. While he smoked that he surveyed the just finished room and spotted a bump in the carpet in the middle of the room. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his big rubber hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the stairway. Now, if only I could find my gerbil."
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. That will be $100. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith: "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mindy Jones, 28 of Shawnee, Oklahoma Hit and run, DUI, plus stealing an ambulance Oklahoma City - The Oklahoma Highway Patrol says a woman looking for her ex-boyfriend stole an ambulance and led troopers on a 50-mile chase from Shawnee to Del City. Troopers say 28-year-old Mindy Jones was at the hospital for a blood test after she was arrested for driving under the influence and hit-and-run. Officers say she ran from the hospital and drove away in the ambulance about 2:30 a.m. Friday. She was spotted on Interstate 40 and troopers followed her to a home in Del City where she stopped in the yard and was arrested again. While in handcuffs Jones told television station KOCO she "had the ambulance and had a pretty good time driving" it. Jones was taken to the Oklahoma County jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Malcolm Re: Links versus attachments Dear Webby, What is the reason everybody, including the phone company, sends links to their invoices and forms, instead of attaching them to emails? It's no big deal to click on the links, but I am curious why these days the only ones sending attachments, (-except friends sending "motivational" pictures-), are the virus spreaders. Malcolm Dear Malcolm Can you blame your phone company for not wanting their bills and announcements to get trashed, unseen, because most security programs today consider attachments to bulk mail as highly suspicious? Sending bills and announcements as an attachment has gone out of fashion late in the last century. As you probably know, our e-bills, for example, have been sent out as links to a secure page since 1994. Aside from the obvious security issues, having invoices or fancy announcements on a web page, guarantees that they print out predictably exactly as designed, no matter what kind of equipment the recipient has. A short mail with a link is also a lot easier on people with slow connections or nearly full mail boxes. Quite often a mail with an attachment will bounce, because the recipient mailbox is too full for that, but a short email with a link will easily fit in. If you are at all concerned about having a high percentage of your recipients actually getting your newsletters or invoices, use links and not attachments. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one paramedic asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. He slowly turned back to the paramedic and said, "Oh, I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Ice Cream Bucket as Salt Spreader Here's an idea for a cheap salt bucket. If, like me, you occasionally purchase one of those large tubs of ice cream, the one gallon plus one quart size with a handle and a lid, save at least one tub to fill with salt for winter ice. It's the perfect size to carry out to the front or back walk. Since it has a lid, you can store it in the house without fear of kids or pets getting into or spilling it. By Marie from West Dundee, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the garden market," said the first man. "So were you able to find some?" the second man asked. "Well when I got to the market, I asked the produce clerk, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "The produce clerk told me 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.' "

» Shipping Goodies to The Military
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Does UNsubscribe / REsubscribe help? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 12, 2009

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today." ---Evan Esar "Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor." --- Edgar R. Fiedler
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her....!"
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Laura Miranda Landry, 19, of Summerside P.E.I. Illegal bra padding It was not a typical drug bust for RCMP patrolling P.E.I.'s Confederation Bridge. Officers arrested 19-year-old Laura Miranda Landry for possession of marijuana after they found 49.5 grams of pot under the front seat of her car and in her bra. Landry of Charlottetown, pleaded guilty to the drug charge Wednesday in provincial court in Summerside, the Summerside Journal Pioneer reported. 0Landry was in a car crossing Confederation Bridge on Sept. 28 when the car was stopped by police. An officer smelled marijuana and asked whether there was any in the car. Landry and two other women in the vehicle admitted there was some under the front passenger seat, and Landry said it was hers, the court heard. Landry was arrested. On the way to the police station, the officer could still smell marijuana. She asked about the source of the smell, and Landry pulled another bag of drugs from her bra. Landry was ordered to pay $500, plus a $75 victim surcharge.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Unsubscribe / Resubscribe Dear Webby, I get your newsletters fine on my other account, but not on my Yahoo address. Now I have been told to unsubscribe and re-subscribe, and that would fix the problem. Dianne Dear Dianne That only applies to the yahoos, who are subscribed to Yahoo Groups and Yahoo Lists. With independent newsletters, that are not handicapped by the Chinese Firedrill Team at Yahoo, that would be as illogical as taking your son's address off your postal addresses list, and then quickly adding it again the day before you send any postal mail to him. Unless you are sending from Yahoo, the problem is not on the sending side, but on the receivingä side. Have FUN! DearWebby
A Navy Admiral ('which Navy' will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chased by a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. The charge was that of "being out of uniform." The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged." The charges were dismissed.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Lint Catcher Wash the lint catcher in your dryer in hot water with an old tooth brush every 4 to 6 months. You will be surprised how much of a build up you get from it. Also, it can lower your power bill and extend the life of your dryer. It also will help prevent fires. By Sandy from Nova Scotia, Canada Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man moved into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You sure got the traditional Hinkley nose. But you should do something about that punk hairstyle."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Ed worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide announcements, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a timid female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys and need assistance."

» Holiday baking
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How to add fonts to Incredimail? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 11, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support of the troops!

"You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up." --- Richard Nixon, 1952 "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" - Will Rogers
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class, is this: two steps forward, three steps back, then side-step, side-step, turn around"
A kindergarten teacher is walking around her classroom observing her students while they draw. One little girl is working especially diligently, so the teacher asks what she is working on. "I'm drawing God," the child says. The teacher pauses, then says, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replies, "They will in a minute."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Baby penguins
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Wilson Rodriguez, 40, of Tampa; Edilberto Escobar Serrano, 25, of Weeki Wachee; Javier Verde, 35, of Miami; Jarol Zamora-Herrera, 34, unknown; and Batista Pena Yunet, 25, of Weeki Wachee, Florida Pot farmers arrested after they report home invasion WEEKI WACHEE — Someone stormed into a home here Tuesday morning, the residents of the house told authorities, seemingly intent on stealing from them. One of the people in the house managed to get away and run for help to a neighbor, who happens to be a Hernando County sheriff's deputy. The deputy responded, calling the department to report the home invasion. When deputies arrived, the people inside the house told them they had been robbed — of between 3 and 5 pounds of pot, according to an arrest report. During the investigation, authorities said they found 59 marijuana plants growing inside the residence at 11480 Manassas Ave. They also found cultivated marijuana, irrigation equipment, ventilation equipment and other items associated with growing pot. At least three of the five suspects said they knew about the marijuana plants, while one said she didn't know the plants were marijuana. Deputies took all five of them into custody. Arrested were Wilson Rodriguez, 40, of Tampa; Edilberto Escobar Serrano, 25, of Weeki Wachee; Javier Verde, 35, of Miami; Jarol Zamora-Herrera, 34, unknown; and Batista Pena Yunet, 25, of Weeki Wachee. All five suspects were charged with felony cultivation of marijuana. They were taken to the Hernando County Jail and held in lieu of $5,000 bail. Sgt. Donna Black, a spokeswoman with the Sheriff's Office, said the investigation was ongoing and that more charges in the case are expected.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: How to add fonts Dear Webby, I saw a font I liked - Edwardian Script ITC. When I go into my font page it is there but when I am doing an email and scroll through it does not show it. It has Arial, Times Roman and many more but not the one I want. How do I get it? I looked in your Tool section and saw a couple of things on fonts but now how to get them. Thanks for any help. Love your web site and all the help you give. Carolyn Dear Carolyn I can see from the header, that you are using Incredimail. They are doing some weird stuff, that is not quite standard. If you used a strictly standard email program like Eudora, then all fonts, that are in your fonts folder, would be automatically available. With Incredimail you may have to register individual fonts, that are not included in their default setup. It used to be that Incredimail users had to find a file called fonts.txt in their Incredimail stuff, and manually add the names of the fonts to that text file. As far as I remember ancient history, it was in C:/Program Files/IncrediMail/Data or thereabouts. They may have changed that a bit since then. If you don't find a fonts.txt in there, check their help on how you add fonts to your version of Incredimail nowadays. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Decorate With Pine Cones The least expensive Christmas tree decoration I know is to use lawn harvested pine cones. Pick up any size or kind from the ground (ask permission but most are happy to get rid of them!), take them inside and let them warm up and open up. I put mine in a plastic bag so any critters are contained. I then roll the opened cones in a little glue and roll the cones in glitter. I put the glitter in a box lid so I can reuse the glitter for another project. Set aside to dry, then add a loop of thread around the top to hang it from the tree. Another decoration idea is to spray paint cones or roll the cones in sequins, seed beads, or anything small, safe and decorative. By Karen from LaPorte, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Two not too very bright city guys decided to go into the dairy business. They drove up to a dairy farm and asked the owner if he had any cows for sale. The owner had been trying to get rid of an old, non performing bull for a while and told them he would let his best producing cow go for a mere one thousand dollars. The 2 guys said wonderful and loaded up the bull and left. They got back to their place and tried to milk their "cow" bull but didn't get any milk. So one of the guys ran back to the farmer to find out how to get the milk flowing. The farmer told them they had to make the cow drink plenty of water and then pump the tail up and down. Satisfied the city slicker went back and he and his partner pushed the bull down to the stream. Well, the bull wasn't very thirsty and didn't drink so one guy held the bulls head in the water and the other guy pumped vigorously with the tail. About that time the bull decided to take advantage of the raised tail and to dump some solids. The guy pumping yelled to his friend "Raise his head! The cow is sucking mud!"

» Colorful Fish
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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How to get rid of AntiVir? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 10, 2009

"You don't get ulcers from what you eat. You get them from what's eating you." -- Vicki Baum (1888-1960) Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. -- Ken Hakuta
Church was planning a chili supper for the homeless, and Florence agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather mild variation. The man in charge of organizing the program asked Florence how she would describe her chili -- three alarm or four alarm. After hearing some of the ingredients that went into other chili donations, Florence replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your incredible sense of humor."
Thanks to Arturas from Zverte.com for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mary K. Davis, 58, and Michael J. Davis, 20, of Covington, Virginia Police: Pair tried to hire hit man Police say a Covington man was an accomplice in his mother's plot to kill his father. A 20-year-old Covington man has been charged with trying to help his mother hire a hit man -- to kill his father. Michael J. Davis was arrested Thursday. His mother, Mary K. Davis, 58, was arrested Monday after she allegedly gave an undercover officer a $500 down payment to kill her husband. Davis thought she was paying a hit man, Alleghany County Commonwealth's Attorney Ed Stein said. Now, mother and son are both being held at the Alleghany Regional Jail. Michael Davis faces two charges: conspiracy to commit attempted capital murder and conspiracy to solicit murder. If convicted of both charges, he faces a maximum of 40 years in prison. Authorities charged Mary Davis with soliciting murder and attempted capital murder. If convicted of soliciting, she faces up to 40 years in prison. If convicted of attempted capital murder, she faces a life sentence. Authorities said Mary Davis met with an undercover state police officer she assumed was a hit man in the parking lot of the Covington Walmart on Monday. They said she gave him $500 and promised him thousands more after he killed her husband. She was immediately arrested by Covington police. And she did not get her money back.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jen Re: How to remove AntiVir Dear Webby: How do I remove Antivir from my computer? It is driving me insane with its' pop-ups. Any help is appreciated. I love your newsletter. Sincerely, Jen Dear Jen The info on how to remove AntiVir is at http://www.pchell.com/virus/uninstallantivir.shtml Have FUN! DearWebby
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Easy Angel Wings If you are handcrafting small angels for ornaments, here is a very easy way to make already wired, angel wings. Simply buy a large, wide roll of glittered or un-glittered WIRED ribbon. Cut a piece of the ribbon off the roll. Cut through the middle of the ribbon in a scalloped way. All of a sudden you have two angel wings that can be shaped in anyway you wish, because of the wire. Just put the wire side up, cut to fit and hot glue it to your angel. Instant angel wings. By Yvette from Dallas, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One evening a few years ago my friend Bill ran out of gas on his way home from work. Being short on cash, as usual, he walked 6 Miles to get home, and left his pick-up truck where it sat, in front of the topless bar next door to the massage parlor. By then his wife had gone to Bingo and he couldn't get neither money for gas, nor a ride back to the truck, so he cooked supper, cleaned up the kitchen and then went to bed. At the next church elder meeting, Miss Myrna, the town gossip ranted on about his immoral conduct and about how she had PROOF, because she saw where he had parked ALL night ! Well, Bill told his co-workers about that, and one of them was a regular at that topless bar. That guy told the story there. From then on, whenever he or his friends planned to later take a cab home rather than drive drunk, they all parked their vehicles in front of Miss Myrna's lonely house, - and walked half a mile to the bar.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Why did the Newfie businessman go fishing instead of attending a meeting? "Just for the halibut."

» Christmas Trees around the world
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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MS Powerpoint gone bad and can't find a download 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 9, 2009


You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. --- Jack London The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth. --- Charles Luckman The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. --- H.T. Leslie Efficiency is intelligent laziness. --- David Dunham
At the candy store Judi had about 20 bags of candy. A smart-alek behind her in line told her: "You should push the air out of them. The candies might cost less if they don't have the weight of the air in them." So for a few minutes she let the air out of the bags. After she did that he told her it didn't really matter. It would have weighed the same. Judi was more confused than ever and said, "If having air in the bag doesn't weigh any more, then why does it make the bags look so fat?"
It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. "Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Brenda Sue Rawls, 50 in Sumner County, Tennessee Nutty Teacher charged with vandalism An elementary school teacher was charged Monday, Nov. 30 with vandalizing Portland East Middle School. Brenda Sue Rawls, 50, is accused of using sardine juice, condoms and lubricant to vandalize a mini-fridge, a teacher’s desk and three lockers, according to the affidavit filed in Sumner County General Sessions Court. The incident is alleged to have occurred on Aug. 16. According to Sumner County Sheriff Bob Barker, the vandalism was allegedly committed in retaliation against a teacher that made comments about Rawls. Rawls is charged with vandalism under $500, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and criminal trespassing. Authorities say a seventh grader assisted with the vandalism. After the incident, Rawls and the student allegedly discussed what they had done and returned to the school with air fresheners in an attempt to clean up the lockers, according to the affidavit. Rawls allegedly admitted to purchasing the sardines, condoms, lubricants and air freshener used in the incident as well as using her key to allow the student into the building, but denies involvement of the vandalism, according to the affidavit. The total damage, including three damaged textbooks, is estimated at $250. Rawls, who had been a teacher a Portland East, was transferred to Watt Hardison Elementary on July 31. Her bond was set at $1,000. She is scheduled to appear in Sumner County General Sessions Court on Dec. 16. The papers didn't mention whether Brenda Sue had always been a bit nutty, or whether the transfer away from Portland East put her over the edge.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: MS Powerpoint gone bad and can't find a download Dear Webby: Thank you for all your sharing your knowledge of computers. I had PowerPoint Viewer on my computer, but it has ceased to work. I have tried to download it several times, but it still won't allow me to see the .pps files. I went to your toolbox and clicked on PowerPoint Viewer, and was told the page no longer exists. Can you tell me how to be able to see all the .pps files? Thank you, Carol Dear Carol Yes, it looks like Microsoft moved the download file away from where their download page expects it to be. That can happen to anybody. I was able to find a copy of it and changed the link in the tool box directly to the download. If PowerPoint continues to give you a hassle, just get Open Office. It has a PowerPoint viewer that works. Have FUN! DearWebby
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Install a Programmable Thermostat Last year we replaced our old thermostat with a new programmable one. Since we're here, and awake at different times, we've not set it for basic times to run, so we just hit the buttons when we walk by. It's quicker to shut on and off than our old thermostat. We've already saved a lot of money by switching out our old one for the newer version, actually it's already more than paid for itself. We can't believe the difference in our power bill than this time last year! If we'd have known the difference it would make, we'd have done this much sooner! By Terri from NV You don't have to be on the electrical grid to use programmable thermostats. In my solar house in the Yukon I installed a Hunter Programmable Thermostat in the late 70's, that was powered by 2 AA batteries and the power produced by a thermocouple pointed at the furnace pilot light. It was still working fine when I left the Yukon in 2000. If a hippie can use one in the arctic bush, you definitely can profit from one where you are! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sign over a restroom in a local restaureant: "Used beer department."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a used t-shirt and a wooden stick, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a priest and a man of God, got a lousy t-shirt that won't even cover my butt, and a wooden stick? St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based onresults, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

» Christmas Trees around the world
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Are MSN's problems permanent? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 8, 2009


I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. --- Terry Pratchett
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started anotherround of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Well, yes, but never with a carnation."
A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to you..."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to George Floyd, 17,of Chicago Teen Charged With Carjacking Off-Duty Cop A teen ordered held on $250,000 bond Monday for allegedly carjacking and punching an off-duty Chicago Police officer Sunday night in the South Chicago neighborhood on the Southeast Side. He reportedly told police he did it because he was cold. George Floyd, 17, of the 8200 block of South Marquette Avenue, is charged with vehicular hijacking, aggravated battery to a peace officer and aggravated fleeing, according to police. All the charges are felonies. Floyd was also ticketed for driving without a license and failure to stop at two stop signs, according to police. He appeared in bond court Monday and was ordered held on $250,000 bond, according to Cook County State's Attorney's office spokesman Andy Conklin. Floyd will appear for a preliminary hearing Dec. 14 in Far South Felony Court (Br. 38). At 9:20 p.m. Sunday, the off-duty officer was behind the wheel of a silver 2002 Chevrolet van when Floyd allegedly demanded her keys at 1505 E. 86th St., according to police. There were no passengers in the van. During the carjacking, Floyd allegedly struck the officer in the face and body with his fist, according to police. He allegedly took off in the van, leading police on a chase that ended when he crashed into a parked car at 8808 S. Houston Ave., where he was arrested at 9:35 p.m., according to police. "He was going in and out of traffic, losing officers and went eastbound to Houston and then northbound -- avoiding a police car that was cutting him off,'' one officer said of the chase. Floyd allegedly told police, "I was walking home and I was very cold. I didn't want to walk home,'' the officer said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: John Re: Are MSN's problems permanent? Dear Webby: I use to receive your newsletter until about 4 months ago. Your site says I am still a subscriber but get nothing. ???? Thank You, John ....@msn.com Dear John I can't do more than sending it out. Once your subscripton has entered the MSN servers, there is nothing more that I can do about it. Arguing with the Taliban at MSN Support is a waste of time. Why don't you try it with your Verizon address? The Dear Webby Humor newsletter is sent from a server that has 1) Listed Sender ID, 2) Permanent IP address, 3) Proper SPF record, 4) Matching forward and reverse DNS, 5) Approved privacy policy, 6) full contact information, 7) strictly Double Opt-In, 8) not on any blacklist, 9) uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming, 10) and is family safe. The Dear Webby Humor Letter is "The Good Example" for all other newsletters. I got all 10 points. There is nothing more, that I can do, to get through. So try your Verizon address! If they are not competent enough to deliver a newsletter that fulfills all 10 criteria, imagine how much other stuff they lose! Have FUN! DearWebby
During a rather heated argument a teenager said, "I didn't ask to be born." His father: replied, "Good thing you didn't 'Cause the answer would have been 'NO!!!'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halve a Turkey for Later Have the butcher cut your turkey in half (lengthwise) and when you get it home wrap each half in freezer paper and you will have the beginnings of two meals in case the weather gets bad and you can't get out to shop. Mix up your favorite stuffing, pop it in the oven and enjoy two feasts. Happy eating! By Sewing Mamma from Pittsburgh PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know." The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't that easy, either."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Barry who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. Barry thanked the caller and politely asked his name, while he scribbled down his number from the caller ID display before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, Barry called back his neighbor. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

» The Skinny on Coffee
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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What is SPF? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 7, 2009


Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. --- Mark Twain As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
A Doctor was explaining to a friend how nature sometimes compensates for a persons deficiencies. "For example," he told him, "If a man is deaf, he may have keener sight, and if a man is blind, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I think I see what you mean," said Paddy, "I've often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the other one is always longer."
A young mother was visiting a doctor friend and made no attempt to restrain her four-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." "Nah," said the doctor calmly, "That's just poisons in there. They take some time but are quite effective. He'll be quiet soon."
Thanks to Deryck for this picture: Atlin Lake
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Martin Bartels, 53, Band Teacher's Bad Notes DECEMBER 4-- A veteran Minnesota middle school teacher left sexually suggestive notes in the lockers of two female students and was typing a third lewd letter when school officials confronted him in his classroom, according to police. Martin Bartels, 53, was named Wednesday in a misdemeanor complaint charging him with disorderly conduct in connection with letters found last month by two seventh grade students at Buffalo Community Middle School. According to the District Court criminal complaint, Bartels, a band teacher who has taught for 28 years, wrote in one letter that he wanted to "trace your thighs with my fingertips and make you squirm," adding that he gets "hot and hard just thinking about it." In a note to a second girl, Bartels wrote, "I really, really, really love your legs...I like how you show just enough to make me hard." After the students reported discovering the notes, school administrators reviewed surveillance video and spotted Bartels leaving items in the lockers. Before confronting Bartels, the school's principal walked past his classroom and saw him typing on a school computer. Aided by the school's IT director, the principal was able to remotely access Bartels's computer, which yielded a third letter that was intended for one of the girls he had anonymously already written. That missive commented on the girl's short skirt, her curves, and how "I will have very nice dreams!" Bartels is on paid administrative leave, according to a school district spokesperson.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: What is SPF ? Dear Webby: I see at the top of the Dear Webby Humor Letter, that you have a "proper SPF record". What is that all about? Would that help me get my own newsletter to a higher percentage of subscribers? Thanks Alex Dear Alex SPF stands for "Sender Policy Framework". It goes further than the "Listed Sender ID" and is a protocol for identifying and matching the IP numbers. If somebody forged the address of the president, president@whitehose.gov as the sender address, the Listed Sender ID would look OK, even if they sent it from MSN or hotmail. SPF looks at the sending IP number, which is attached AFTER the email leaves the machine of the sender, and checks with the name server to see if that IP number is authorized to send mail claiming to be from whitehose.gov. If it isn't, then the mail is flagged as a forgery. The same applies if somebody forges YOUR address as the sender address, but sends it from an infeted machine somewhere. SPF is a relatively young technology, it exists only since 2003, and not all server side spam control programs use it yet, but it does increase the percentage of mail getting through. Have FUN! DearWebby
Jon, Brian, and Bernie were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. Bernie won the sixth prize: a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Bernie asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, Bernie?" "Not so good," Bernie confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fluffing Indentations in Carpet If you find indentations in your carpet after moving a piece of furniture, get a clean dish cloth or face cloth and put it in hot water and then wring it out. Place the cloth in the microwave and get it as hot as you want, about 3 minutes. Take the cloth very carefully and put in a coffee cup. Place the cup over the indentation and let it sit for a few minutes. The steam will puff up the fiber in the carpet and the indentation will be gone. By Mary C. from Newark, California Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when he was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straigt out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute! Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

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Catch-All email program 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Sunday,  December 6, 2009

"The best time to plant a tree . . . was twenty years ago. The second best time, is today." --- Socratex "Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work." --- Laurence J. Peter "You'll find no park or city with a monument to a committee." --- Victoria Pasternak "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." --- Samuel Johnson
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
On their 40th wedding anniversary, during the banquet, the husband was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. One in the crowd said, "Tell us, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" The husband said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness . . . and a lot of other disciplines that I wouldn't have needed if I had stayed single."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Miguel Bribiescas, 25, in Elgin, Illinois Spy camera in women's washroom An Elgin man who hid a spy camera in women's bathroom at his workplace, but mostly recorded himself trying to figure out the device, is facing up to three years in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to a felony charge. Miguel Bribiescas, 25, of the 1100 block of Hiawatha Drive, admitted to a charge of unauthorized video recording stemming from the July 31 discovery of the pen-size camera in a washroom at Ridgefield Industries, near Crystal Lake. The camera recorded one female co-worker using the washroom before it was discovered by an employee and turned over to police, authorities said. When police began viewing what else was on the camera, the first thing they saw was video of Bribiescas looking into the lens and learning how to operate the device. The charge to which he admitted guilt is a Class 4 felony, punishable by one to three years in prison or probation. Bribiescas' attorney, Mary Baccam, said she believes probation would be fair given her client's lack of criminal history. "He understands that this was inappropriate and he is taking responsibility for his actions," Baccam said. Bribiescas will remain free on a $1,000 bond until his sentencing Jan. 20.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Catch-All email program Dear Webby: Alohaa....What fun....but now I'm back - resubscribed and ready to Rock and Roll. On Monday I am changing carriers, email addresses and I don't know what all. My question is is there a way to make sure I don't loose any emails that might go to the old email address after I have let most of my contacts (might forget some) know of the changes.. I don't have a back i ssue to of "Webby" to check your tool box....seems I read about a "grab it" program some time ago that redirected everything. Thanks as always..Ann Dear Ann The easiest way to do that is to use a gmail address, and auto-forward that to the carrier based email address of the day or month. Whenever you change carriers, you simply update the forward setting in gmail. All your contacts continue writing to your same old gmail address. By the way, all the old Humor letters of the last 5 years or so are in the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog Have FUN! DearWebby
After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Watch For Seasonal Clearances For Gifts With a family of 5 kids, there is always a birthday or a holiday around the corner. What we do is always pay attention to the seasons. Seasonally, the store put items such as toys and those kinds of items on sale. We always scope these items out. We have bought $20-30 toys for almost nothing. I am not just talking about toys that were hot last season. This is the time of year when most stores markdown new toys that just came out for the new holiday season. These stores mark them down because they think that they are not going to sell. Then the toys come off clearance when they start to sell again, you have already bought them. By Jessica from Coventry, RI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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We stopped for a quick meal and the waiter brought us each a bowl of soup. As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen, Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!" "Yes ,sir, is there something wrong?" "The soup. Taste it," replied Pa. "I beg your pardon, Sir?" "Taste it." "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent." "Taste it," Pa persisted. "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients." "Taste it!" The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?" To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

» Boeing House
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What is the best word processor? 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Saturday,  December 5, 2009

When I was a kid, living in the mountains of Austria, this was the
day when St Nicolas came by, accompanied by a scary devil.

It struck me as a bit incongruous that they showed up in a beat
up old Volkswagen Beetle, but the roar of the big huge devil
quickly had me quaking in my socks, and when one smite of
St Nicolas's bishop's staff made the devil cringe and whimper,
I was duly impressed!

However, when St Nicholas started reading the long list of 
my sins, the devil cheered up and eagerly rattled his chains.
He did hit and cuff me around a bit, but kindly St Nicholas
stopped him, before things got out of hand.

After a solemn promise to improve my behavior, they made me
stand outside the front door, while they did their number on 
my sister.

She was still sniffling when dad called me inside again.
This time St Nicolas was really beaming and he mentioned
a few token good things I had done. Then he pulled a nicely
decorated pillow case from under his robe and started
dispensing glazed gingerbread, cookies, pear-bread, a chocolate
and an orange. For a mountain kid in post-war Austria, that
was eye popping STUFF!

I barely noticed when Dad escorted them out and handed them
the bottle of the medicinal Schnaps from the pantry. St Nicolas
and the devil took a good swig from the bottle and an envelope
dad gave them, and roared away in their old Volkswage Beetle.

At the time it all made sense, and was truly impressive.

As the fear of the devil waned, it was replaced with the threat
of being sent to Jagdberg, a juvenile jail / reform school, in
a scary looking old castle with skyhigh walls.

Then in University, a professor asked for a volunteer to be
Santa at Jagdberg, staring straight at me. 
Duh, yeah, OK, if nobody else ....

They couldn't find a devil, so I had to go alone. 
They gave me the suit and wig and beard, and the directions.
That was the year when Santa showed up on a motorcycle.

The staff there noticed my nervousness, so they gave me some
medicinal Schnaps first, and a few basic instructions.
After the first class they gave me more Schnaps and a few
hints with the stack of papers, one per inmate for the next class.
Then I got into the swing of things, roared like the devil of my
childhood when reading a student's misbehaviors, and smiled
like a proud grandpa, when praising them for their 
accomplishments.

Around midnight I had finished with all the inmates, and kinda 
faked it with the staff. (I didn't have any good/bad lists for the
staff and had to make them up.)

Then they gave me a sandwich and a big mug of coffee for my
parched throat and ushered me out.
Still in the Santa Suit I hopped on my bike and roared homewards,
well, to my girlfriend's place anyway, and just as the sky turned
light in the East, I did make it home. I briefly paused at the entrance,
where I had seen my first Santa. Life had come full circle.
Have FUN!
DearWebby


"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." --- Sydney J. Harris
One day, Jean-Claude decided to take a trip from Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of Boston.. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and found out the cost was $200 one-way. Well Jean-Claude only had $110 on him. But he saw a sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now Jean-Claude had just turned 18 three months ago so he lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100. Well during the flight, he talking with the passenger seated next to him. And, in the course of their little chat, he boisterously mentioned the 18th birthday party his friends had for him. Since Jean-Claude talked fairly loudly, a stewardess happened to over-hear that part of the conversation and remembered from the passenger list that Jean-Claude had only paid half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked Jean-Claude if he had $50 with him. Jean-Claude, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive in Boston.. Why you ask?" Stewardess:"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this used parachute." Jean-Claude, "What for?" Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over 18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave now."
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?" ------- Yeah, I remember that train. It had little porches at each end of the wagons and signs posted: "Picking flowers while the train is in motion is not permitted." Seems the locomotive engineer got annoyed when the flower pickers passed the train.
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture by his nephew Greg Twin Lakes Colorado
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marilyn Cole, 35, and Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon, Michigan Thief arrested for headbutting, urinating on Wal-Mart security guard MUSKEGON COUNTY — Marilyn Cole, of Muskegon, faces trial on charges of stealing goods from a local Wal-Mart store, then head-butting and urinating on a security guard. Cole, 35, waived her probable-cause hearing on charges of unlawful imprisonment, unarmed robbery and interfering with a crime report. The hearing had been scheduled for Tuesday. Her accomplice, Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon earlier waived her probable-cause hearing and faces trial on one count of unarmed robbery. According to Roosevelt Park Police Chief Bill Regan, the women tried to steal merchandise, including make-up and curtains, from the Henry Street Wal-Mart on Halloween night. Regan said the women broke away from a security guard who tried to detain them at the front door. The security guard ran after them and tried to block Cole from getting into the passenger’s seat of the car in which she and Stewart were preparing to flee. Regan said Cole “head-butted” the security guard, who fell backwards into the vehicle. The chief said Cole then sat on the man. He grabbed his phone and called 911, but Cole allegedly fought for the phone and then urinated on him. Stewart drove away with the security guard still in the vehicle and Cole holding him down, according to the chief. The incident ended when the women stopped in the parking lot of Acme Bedding Co., 660 W. Broadway, where authorities, still on the phone with the security guard, arrested Stewart and Cole. Marylin Cole
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Best Word Processor Dear Webby: What IS the best word processor out there? Erin Thanks again. Rosalie Dear Erin If somebody has been using WordPerfect for twenty years, then Corel Office Word Perfect is the best word processor for them. If somebody has been using Microsoft WORD for fifteen years, then that program is the best for them. If you have hundreds or thousands of employees, or half a dozen, for whom you have to buy a word processor, then Open Office Writer is the best for you, because it is free and because it uses the Worldwide Open Standard. The actual performance differences are negligible and change with every update. WordPerfect and WORD have been battling it out with nitpicking little differences that are generally ignored except by computer magazine testers, who have never bought a program in their life. Currently Open Office is slightly ahead in usability and useful features, but that can change any moment. For example, just today there was an update for Corel Office. I haven't noticed any changes in the stuff I actually use, but I am sure bored magazine testers will find what is new and will write plenty about it in 3-4 months. The actual usage differences between the Big Three are small, as long as you are not trying to save a document as a web page. Open Office does that way best and produces nice and clean HTML, that can be easily updated. If you try that with MS WORD, you wind up with an awful mess and get told to scribble it on a used napkin next time, or to pick up the MS WORD doc with Open Office Writer and save it as a web page from there. Have FUN! DearWebby
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" (City Slickers Beware! Cows love chasing and scaring you!)
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put Ads at the Bottom of the Garbage Can Ever wonder what to do with all the paper advertisements and leftover grocery ads that you always end up throwing away? Here's something my mother has passed along to me. Fold them up and fit them into the bottom of your garbage cans throughout the house. You may need to fiddle around with it a little bit to make sure it's sitting on the bottom snugly, edges may stick up but that's OK. The paper ads on the bottom will soak up any liquids that may drip through your bags. This saves on time and hassle in cleaning your garbage can. Especially handy for the kitchen garbage as raw meat juices or liquids inevitably seep through. By Pookster Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The other night, Joe and his wife were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush, lipstick, and a dozen other mysterious concoctions, and then asked: "Does this look natural?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother. "Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"

» DNA
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Printmaster versus MS WORD 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  December 4, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. --- Erma Bombeck Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do so. --- Bob Phillips
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed an old hound dog sound asleep on the floor half way between the door and the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him and bashing their teeth out on the counter."
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Ma, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo and a nose ring!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Adam Bauer, 19, Lacrosse, Wisconsin Too dumb to drink University of Wisconsin-La Crosse student Adam Bauer has nearly 400 friends on Facebook. He got an offer for a new one about a month ago. “She was a good-looking girl. I usually don’t accept friends I don’t know, but I randomly accepted this one for some reason,” the 19-year-old said. He thinks that led to his invitation to come down to the La Crosse police station, where an officer laid out photos from Facebook of Bauer holding a beer — and then ticketed him for underage drinking. The police report said Bauer admitted drinking, which he denies. But he did plead no contest in municipal court Wednesday and will pay a $227 fine. He was among at least eight people who said Wednesday they had been cited for underage drinking based on photos on social networking sites.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosalie Re: Printmaster versus MS WORD Dear Webby: I look forward to receiving you Humor Letter each morning; you start my day with a smile. Thanks much. You have always answered my questions for me - What is the difference between using Microsoft Word and Print Master? A friend asked me for help about a question in Print Master. I have never used this program as I have always used Microsoft Word both at work and now at home. Is Print Master program new as I never heard it before. Thanks again. Rosalie Dear Rosalie Printmaster is a very basic word processor with some simple graphics editing tools thrown in, all at about the level of Microsoft Works, if you remember history. Printmaster is popular and well known on the Mac side, but relatively unknown on the Windows and Linux side. It costs $40, but there are a few pirated clones available free. MS WORD is a heavy duty word processor in the same class as Open Office Writer or Corel Office WordPerfect, and the same as those other two, made for professional word processing all day, and the occasional, rare bit of graphics when the boss isn't watching. There are no similarities in usage between Printmaster and the three professional word processors. What works in your word processor, probably does not work or is done differently in Printmaster, and vice versa. Have FUN! DearWebby
An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her. "I don't think I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 38D."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Discounted Banking Services For Seniors For senior citizens, check with your bank to see if they have any special services for seniors. I questioned some things on a bank statement regarding a debit payment that I did not authorize. In the process I asked about another item from when I had ordered new checks because the amount was wrong from what I had. The employee said why order checks as I had been doing when I could get new checks through the bank for free. Granted they don't have special pictures on them, but at my age, I don't need special pictures. She also said with this type of account, if I used an 'out of system' ATM, I would get the charge for that system, but I would not get a charge from my bank, too, as I previously did. Saving even the little amounts add up over time. By the way, I bank at National City. Check with your bank to see what services they have for seniors. By Linda from Bloomington,IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The basketball coach stormed into the university President's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example." The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. So he simply asked: "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows, tree widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal wedding gown stepped to the front.

» Christmas TV and movies schedules
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Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 3, 2009

The big rewards come to those who travel the second, undemanded mile. --- Bruce Barton Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. --- Clive James
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "I think that means we're Pisscopalians."
ordered a cup of coffee with no cream at the corner restaurant. The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, you'll have to have it with no milk because we're out of cream."
Thanks to Robert for this picture: Dear Webby, It's been a nice sunrise and sunset week. Here is a neat sunset in Reno, Nevada. Take Care Robert
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Arizona State University School of Journalism Reporters resent being confronted with facts Hecklers in the audience broke into a loudly sung version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and forced a high-profile Arizona sheriff to abandon a First Amendment forum sponsored by Arizona State University's journalism school. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was asked by a panel of journalists Monday night to explain his relationship with the media, his various law enforcement policies and whether his office conducts racial profiling. Arpaio told the panel that his office is an "equal opportunity law enforcement agency" that will arrest anyone who violates the law. Later in the interview at ASU's Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication, protesters began singing a version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and chanting as Arpaio was asked about a federal investigation and his policies on illegal immigration. When ASU journalism school staff refused to restore order, the sheriff told the panel the childish behavior was "ridiculous" and he left the stage. Seems their minds were made up and they resented anybody trying to confuse them with facts.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS? Dear Webby Just wnat to know if you know a way to scan for viruses/malware in CMD? ---- And do you need any additional software? Eddie Dear Eddie Yes, sure you can run McAfee from DOS. Just reboot into safe mode with command prompt and run McAfee from there. More info is at http://snipurl.com/tj9lp Have FUN! DearWebby
A grandmother overheard her five-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be turned around and used against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You can't kiss the bride today, because she has a headache."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dog House for Firewood Storage Re-purpose your Igloo Shaped Dog house for storing some firewood. Our dog refused to use the Dog-Loo we bought her years ago. I got the idea to store a stash of firewood in it to keep it dry and easily accessible by our back door. Our woodpile is located in the far end of our yard, which is exposed to the elements. So having some dry wood stored in the 'dog house', keeps it available for when my husband gets the urge to use the fireplace. He also uses the dry wood for his smoker grill. I see the dog-loo's at Garage Sales and on the roadside for trash pickup, and it seemed they would be handy for other uses. By Mary C. from Orange Park, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them 'reruns'." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . I must be a God!

» Lumiere Technology
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Is there a fix for a dead mouse? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 2, 2009

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet." --- Saint Augustine (354-430) "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." --- Isaac Asimov
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had, was a lot smarter. She learned how to write herself!"
Thanks to Mike for this picture: This is the sun rise at my house here in Nevada I live 17 miles east of Carson City. Mike
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jochen Naumann, 37 of Leipzig, Germany German tourist made false bomb threat at Disney World ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- A German tourist has been arrested on charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World. A report from the Orange County Sheriff's Office says 37-year-old Jochen Naumann of Leipzig, Germany, was going through the security checkpoint at the entrance of the Magic Kingdom Sunday when he told a Disney employee he had two bombs in his back pack. The report says the Disney employee questioned Naumann and he repeated the threat. A sheriff's deputy had a bomb-sniffing dog check Naumann's bag and no explosive devices were found. The report says Naumann claimed he was only joking. He was arrested on a charge of making a false report of a bomb and taken to the Orange County Jail. Jail records show bond was set at $10,000.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Is there a fix for a dead mouse? Dear Webby My mouse quit working. Is there a fix or is it dead forever? Thanks, Jai Dear Jai All mice do eventually die, usually after the warranty expires. If it is just the cord, and the mouse lights up when you mess with the cord, it can be replaced easily, if one has a bunch of dead mice to salvage cords from. Sometimes you can just shorten the cord. It usually goes bad in the first few inches from the mouse. But if that is not the case, about all you can do is replace it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised! But when Old McDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Maps as Wrapping Paper This wrapping paper idea came from one of my friends years ago. Use outdated atlases and maps for colorful, cool-looking, and good quality wrapping paper. I use mostly for birthday gifts, but cut out a silhouette of Santa in his sleigh and/or reindeers and attach for Christmas gifts. If you like this idea but don't have any maps to use, pick up some free ones at travel and visitor's centers the next time you are traveling. By Britt from Boston, MA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BOX You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him warm up while taking the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying. The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation. The other two saw this and are amazed. The Scotsman saw a manhole. He picked up the cover, carried it under his arm to the entrance and said, "Mc Gregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also. The Irishman was very frantic, since both his friends were inside. He walked around the stadium and found a roll of barbed wire. He picked it up, walked to the entrance and said, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

» Mona Lisa Sydney Style
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UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 1, 2009

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --- Oscar Wilde A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. --- George Bernard Shaw
Bulletin Board Bloopers: The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. --------------------------- The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. --------------------------- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. --------------------------- Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. --------------------------- The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them you get to buy yourself a bicycle."
Thanks to Dani for this picture: Sunrise from our kitchen window 11 30 09. Dani
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Frater Osiris Xnoubis in Eastbourne, England Goth robber jailed for bizarre bank job 1:20pm Saturday 28th November 2009 A goth robber held up a bank but then gave away all the money he had stolen. Frater Osiris Xnoubis was dressed from head to foot in black leather when he carried out the bizarre robbery. He handed a note to terrified cashier Laura Sulling telling her he was armed and demanded she hand over the cash in her till. Xnoubis, a Pagan worshipper, stuffed £6,570 into a bag and told her to “have a nice day” before calmly walking out of the HSBC branch in Terminus Road, Eastbourne. He walked a few yards to The Gildridge pub where he handed barmaid Gemma Clark a £20 note for a bottle of beer and told her to keep the change. After downing his drink he left and went to nearby Harrisons sandwich bar. He handed the bag of cash to astonished owner Clive Benneys, who was also his landlord, saying: “You are good people, help yourselves.” Xnoubis left the shop and promptly went to the police station in Grove Road where he confessed to the robbery. At Hove Crown court yesterday, Xnoubis, of Glynde Road, Eastbourne, was jailed for three-and-a-half years after pleading guilty to robbery. Justin Rivett, defending, said Xnoubis had a knife hidden on him during the robbery but did not show it to bank staff. He said a psychiatric report confirmed Xnoubis was suffering from depression but was not mentally ill. ------------ Can't say the same for whoever wrote that psychiatric report, or the British reporter, who does not know the difference between Pagan worshippers and Goth fans.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus Dear Webby The newest virus circulating is The UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure. Any truth to this one? If so hope my McAfee will catch it. Cheers, Roland Dear Roland That virus is not attached to the email. You get it, if you are silly enough to click on a link in that email. If you ARE concerned about a UPS/FedEx/DHL parcel, call their 1-800 number or check on their web site, but don't open any email from them, unless you have MailWasher and see the actual URL hidden under the link. Have FUN! DearWebby
A number of children from the neighborhood were invited to Mrs. Johnson's for dinner. She decided to do something different while serving the meal. "Where are you originally from?" she asked one child. "California," said the boy. "Well then, I will give you the left wing." She turned to another boy and asked, "Where are YOU from?" "New York," he answered. And she said, "You get the right wing." She turned to the third boy and asked, "Where are you from?" He said, "I'm from Florida and I'm not hungry!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Your Freezer Full Being single, I don't have my freezer full of food all the time. Keeping your freezer full saves money on your electric bill. I now keep empty spaces full by filling milk jugs with water. I also have clean fresh water on hand at all times in case of an emergency. By April from Buffalo, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them." And hung up. Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" "Must have missed."

» Mona Lisa Sydney Style
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Mystery Ad 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 30, 2009

"Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion." --- Charles Kuralt "Defeat doesn't finish a man -- quit does. A man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits." --- Richard Nixon "There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win." --- Elie Wiesel
When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "What is it for?" one asked. "I don't know," the other replied. "I think it tells you when somebody messed up. When mom when stands on it, she gets more upset than when my sister brings her report card home."
From my office window Nov 29
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert McCray, 37 in Dade City, Florida Deodorant thief goes back to jail DADE CITY — His nickname is Priest and he had a $40 drug debt to pay off. So on Thursday afternoon, Robert McCray — a 37-year-old felon with "Thug Life" tattooed on his chest — headed into a CVS Pharmacy on U.S. 301, according to the Dade City Police Department. He needed something to barter off his debt. Authorities say McCray chose deodorant. He stuffed 19 packages of antiperspirant — $84 worth — inside his jacket and tried to head outside, the police report said. Store employees noticed the stolen sticks and stopped McCray, the report said. They told him to pay for them. He dropped four packages on the ground, the report said, and tried to flee. The employees weren't having it. They tried to hold him. He fought. The employees won and detained him until police officers arrived. McCray told police he took the deodorant to pay back a friend over a drug debt. The report said officers found a crack pipe and small bag of crack cocaine on McCray. A CVS manager declined to talk Friday about what happened, so it is not known whether any employees were hurt. McCray has a swollen, bruised eye in his mug shot. McCray, of 38520 Wilson St. in Dade City, is charged with retail theft, resisting a merchant, possession of crack cocaine and possession of drug paraphernalia. He remained at the Land O'Lakes jail Friday in lieu of $5,450 bail. McCray has previously served six prison sentences for a total of eight years on convictions for drugs, grand theft auto and burglary.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Mystery Ad Dear Webby who is betty sue and why is the message the same every day? i'm very curious about this. the part on the left that says Dear Bubba All is forgiven. I still love you. Please come back! Ps. Congratulations on your lottery win! Your Betty-Sue Robert Dear Robert hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder for one. hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder for one.. For just $50 a month, you can put YOUR ad there, for all the world to see. In the spirit of Christmas, I'll reduce that to $40 per month for any subscribers. And if your ad is funny enough, I'll sneak it in free for a day or two, Have FUN! DearWebby
Customer: "I'd like an under the mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety, $1.95 each.." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" Salesperson: "Hmmm, have you got one of those new Windows 7 machines ?" Customer: "Yes, it's a 17" !" Salesperson: "Then you better get one of these $29.95 mousepads" Customer: "But, is it Microsoft approved ?" Salesperson: "Well,...to be on the safe side, maybe you should better get one of these bue ones for $49.95."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making a Christmas Wreath for Nothing Find a pine tree with branches close to the ground. Cut enough branches for you to make a wreath. Make a circle base with the branches and then build on with other branches. I used twine to bind the wreath, you can use craft wire or even ribbon. Break out your old Christmas decorations and decorate the wreath any way you like. By Jen from APO, AE Make sure you get the branches from the forest, not from anywhere in town. Dogs use the trees for pee-mail, and more and more schools and public buildings spray their trees with skunk oil, to deter unauthorized harvesting. Also avoid boulevards or any town owned treed areas. You can't smell it until the branches warm up inside the house, but by then apparently it is too late. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?" The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Harold and Bob are out in the woods hunting, when Bob falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Harold whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend looks like he's dead! What can I do?" The police operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help... First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard... Harold then says, "OK, now what next...?"

» Hubcap Cafe
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Best free graphics program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 29, 2009

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity. --- Albert Camus "Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" --- Frank Scully A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. --- Unknown
It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman hits a boombox!
"Hey Bubba, what do you think about gun control?" "A delicate lil woman like you, yall have to use both hands, Betty-Sue"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: A Monarch on November 28 !
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Walker, 19, from Birmingham, England Robbery across the street from home Hapless crook Christopher Walker stole £25,000 before fleeing to his nearby home. Walker was was seen running into his own property opposite the bank after attacking the guard with a stick outside Lloyds Bank in Birmingham's Lea Village. Birmingham Crown Court heard it was an incompetent spur of the moment robbery. Walker, 19, from Birmingham, was jailed for two and a half years after admitting robbery on October 22. "What makes this so serious is the significant amount of money involved, the use of a disguise and the use of a weapon to hit a security guard who is entitled to go about his work without fear of attack," said Her Honour Judge De Bertodano. The court heard how Walker was caught by police within minutes because he was seen running into his home after attacking the cash-in-transit security guard with a stick. He had just been made redundant from his job as a council grass cutter and was short of cash. Walker covered his face with a T-shirt, before picking up a stick, which he used to strike the back of the guards knee from behind. All of the cash was recovered from the loft space of Walkers next door neighbour which adjoined his house.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alissa Re: Best free graphics program Dear Webby You mentioned that there are a lot of free graphics programs available on the net. At the time I thought, that was rather lazy, but was too busy to write then. So I am telling you now, That was LAZY! I need a free graphics program for an adult continuing education program. What is the best among all the free ones? By the way, it has to be able to run on older machines. Alissa Dear Alissa The best of the free ones is definitely GIMP. You will find it every bit as good and powerful as the $700-$1,000 Photoshop program, All the options in it are a bit overwhelming, and I would definitely advise to step through the tutorials. It is not as easy to use as Paint Shop Pro, but there are tons of tutorials available. There are entire web sites dedicated to just GIMP tutorials: http://gimp-tutorials.net/ http://www.gimp-tutorials.com/ http://www.gimpguru.org/Tutorials/ You can download GIMP from http://www.gimp.org/downloads/ Unlike Photoshop and PaintShop Pro, the stars amongst the for sale programs, GIMP runs fine on Windows, Linux and Mac, even on older machines, and you don't have to learn a new program just because of switching Operating Systems.. Have FUN! DearWebby
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Gift Wrap Under The Bed I use an under the bed storage box for organizing my gift wrapping. Along with all the wrapping paper (including some I have recycled). I keep scissors and cellophane tape, ribbons, sticky labels and card tags along with birthday cards and a few left over Christmas cards. By Monique from Somerset, U.K If you don't have wheels on your under the bed storage drawer, or if they are too small for the type of carpet that you got, pick up some of the "Crazy Carpet" plastic sheets that the kids leave lying around, or buy some. They are cheap. Attach the sheets to the bottom of the drawer with little brads or picture frame nails. Even the heaviest drawer will slide on carpet as if it had ball bearing drawer rails. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that schmuck would've tried that stuff with me!' "

» Arctic ice
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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How do you clean Norton off a machine? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 28, 2009
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up,
but a comedy in long-shot."
--- Charlie Chaplin

"Life is what happens while you are making other plans."
--- John Lennon

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than
in bad company."
--- George Washington


A salesman from New York traveling in Kansas left his snazzy rental car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over he checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. He went to the local garage and inquired how he could fix the problem himself. The mechanic told him to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would pop out again. He took the car to the motel where he was staying, parked it and proceeded to blow on the tailpipe. A local came by and inquired what he was doing. He explained that he was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The local responded, "That's not gonna to work, not unless you roll up the windows real tight first."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and shovel for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering whack with the shovel. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two fourty five in the morning!"
He loved working on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the streets of lower Manhattan. So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safely on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?' "Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Ford, 35, in Twinsburg, Ohio Habitual burglar caught himself, again TWINSBURG, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio said they have video footage of a bank robbery suspect eating the note he allegedly used to demand money from a teller. Twinsburg police said a dashboard mounted camera on a police cruiser recorded John Ford, 35, eating a piece of paper while officers searched his clothing for weapons Thursday, the Akron (Ohio) Beacon-Journal reported. "He grabbed it in his mouth, just like Pacman," Patrolman Daniel Biada said. "He just ate it right there." Police said they discovered a .38-caliber pistol and an undisclosed amount of cash covered in red ink inside Ford's vehicle. Authorities said Ford walked into a FirstMerit branch in Streetsboro Thursday and handed a teller a note demanding money. He did not display the gun inside the bank, police said. Police said they were investigating whether Ford was connected to bank robberies in nearby Stow and Akron. Eating the note is tampering with evidence and usually adds a year of free room and board in jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rheta Re: How do you clean Norton off a machine? Dear webby: My daughter has a computer with Norton on it. And its out of date now. I was telling her she could get red of Norton for good. But I can't remember what to do anymore. And here's a big one for you. my daughter and drand daughter are taking some classes on line. but they need Microsoft Office. they both have windows 7 now. all new computers comes with Vista. and 7 in them.... ok my question is sence i still have microsoft office. on about 30 3.5" disk's can she use them? if not what do you sugest they use? Rheta Dear Rheta Go to my Tool Box. and grab the Norton Remover. It's way down, just above the IE7 blocker. The smart people can still get XP computers. Just go in through the Business entrance. XP computers are not subsidized by Microsoft, and so, even though they are older, cost more than the subsidized Windows 7 computers. But to slow down the migration of Industry and Commerce to Linux, they ARE still available. Your old Microsoft Office can not be installed on those W7 machines, partly because it is a paid for program and licensed for only one machine, and partly because they don't have 3 1/2" floppy drives. Tell them they can use Open Office. It is free, and it can open MS Word and other MS files, and even save them back into that format, not just the Open Standard, that is used by Industry and Commerce. Industry and commerce are not silly enough to pay for Microsoft Office, when they can get a better Office program for free. There is a link to it in my Tool Box. Have FUN! DearWebby
An old farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked for the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back telling him to look on page #346 of their catalog. He wrote another letter to the company that said: "If you had not stopped sending me catalogs, I would not need any toilet paper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

had been misbehaving and was sent to bed. After a while emerged and informed mother that had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you about your misbehaving, He will help you." "Oh, I don't need help with misbehavin' ", said . "I asked Him to help me not to get caught quite so much."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

» Cool Pictures
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What is the difference between a virus and a worm? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 27, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. --- Socratex "Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea." --John Ciardi "Modern Art" ? Isn't that an oxymoron like "Dry Water", which, according to people in the military is like "Military Intelligence" ? "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." --Mark Twain
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Spot, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd think it was my birthday and Aunt Edna was here!"
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?" Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful." Mother: "Really?" Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell history papers on that topic!"
A lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. While she was waiting for her date, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way did you fire it ?"
Thanks to Frank for this pretty angel. He wants you to pass her on!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Randy Eugene Cliett in Haines City, Florida Habitual burglar caught himself, again Randy Eugent Cliett was extracted from the ventilation system at the supermarket in Haines City this morning — five years after he was convicted of breaking into the same business. Screams coming from the roof of La Placita Mexico Supermarket early Tuesday meant Randy Eugene Cliett got stuck in another jam at the popular Polk County grocery. A veteran Polk County burglar, Cliett spent Monday night trapped in a rooftop air shaft at the same 10th Street market where he got busted for burglary in 2004, according to acting Haines City Pollice Chief Chief Sammy L. Taylor. "He really had no concept of time. He wasn't sure when it happened," Taylor said. Convicted on 14 of his 16 arrests for burglary, drugs and domestic violence since 1990, Cliett finished serving his fifth stretch in state prison less than two months ago. That five-year sentence was for breaking into the same supermarket at which he was discovered Tuesday, police, court and prison records show. The first officers to reach the roof found Cliett wedged feet first inside the narrow air shaft with his arms above his head. Haines City firefighter grabbed his hands and pulled him to the roof, Taylor said. Police charged him with burglary of an unoccupied structure, causing more than $1,000 of damage, possession of burglary tools and felony criminal mischief. Cliett was booked into the Polk County Jail, again..
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: What is the difference between a virus and a worm? Dear Webby, Thanks for the nice Thanksgivng pumpkin & the beautiful fall treee. All of our leaves are gone now. they came early & were gone early too. I was wondering what the difference is between adware, malware & worms. Are any of them seroious threats? I have the free avast program & several times is sends up a block say something has been blocked. I think some of them are "worms". Also I have the free power point program downloaded but don't remember where I got it & a friend asked me about it. Do you know the site I can tell her about to get it? Thanks so much for you fun & tips. Dear Sharon The border between viruses and worms is a bit murky these days. Generally, viruses focus on spreading to other machines, while worms focus on gaining control of your machine, harvesting data, and using your machine for spamming. Adware just pesters you with ads, but frequently also infects your computer with a virus or worm. However, nowadays both viruses and worms try to open a back door for hackers or nasty programs or add-ons to the initial infection. All malicious stuff like that is malware. Programs like McAfee make no distinction between viruses and worms, when it comes to protecting a machine. They nuke them all. Just when you try to read the detailed description they call them by their proper names. They also clip adware and spyware, unless you clicked to accept ads in lieu of payment. In that case, they can't legally cut off a form of payment that you had agreed to. The free PowerPoint viewer that I use is the one in Open Office. It works great for harvesting individual pictures from a huge, bulky PPS or PPT file. Have FUN! DearWebby
A preacher wanted to mail a letter home when he arrived in this small town where he was to to preach a sermon. He asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, he thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "Huh! the boy huffed, "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils As I get out the dishes for the holiday dinners, I also take out the serving bowls and utensils I will need. I put a little note in each bowl (i.e. cranberries, stuffing. etc.) so when I am serving up food I don't have to fumble around finding the right size bowl at the last minute. By Linda from Vista ,CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?" The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too." "Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my cigarettes and matches." "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm riding my horse through rough bushes." "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers instead of cowboy boots ?" "That's so people won't think I'm a truck driver."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper in the sandbox!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

» Crockpot cooking
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How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 26, 2009


"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." --- Harriet Braiker "Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on." --- Ed Howe Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water, or he's gonna sleep on da couch!"
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter havet you never seen a little boy before?"
Large
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Islington Town Hall in North London, England No Civil Union for straights To ensure that they are not misquoted, the London Metro newspaper's online version is100% graphics, without any editable text.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Grace Re: How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV? Dear Webby, I was wondering if you can tell me what format I should use to get a cd to play pictures on the Tv from a burned disc. I have spent so many hours doing slide shows and videos of my grand kids only to find out they are not in the right format to put in the dvd player and then not work. I have used a DVD-R and a CD-R, and about 3 different programs with no luck. Can you tell me how to do it or what program I need? Thanks Grace Dear Grace I don't have a TV, so I really don't have any first hand knowledge about that. Some people say that Nero works for that, others say Socusoft DVD Photo Slide Show. That one is at http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/slid ... layer.html or http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/download.html Have FUN! DearWebby
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but definitely not the same ones."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Turkey Bones for Soup Think you've got your turkey pretty well stripped? Think again. After all that turkey tetrazini, turkey hash, turkey salad, etc, try turkey soup. Toss all the turkey bones into a large pot. Cover the bones with water, add seasonings to taste, and simmer two hours. While the bones are simmering, peel carrots, celery and whatever other veggies you like. Add these to the pot. Cook an additional hour to hour and a half. If desired, add a half pound of egg noodles near the end of the cooking time. Once the noodles are cooked according to the time specified on the package, remove the bones (carefully, so you don't burn yourself). Your turkey soup is ready to enjoy. By Lelia Jo from Springfield, OH Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer frantically struggling to load hay back onto a cart from where it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh, No! I can't." the first replied, "I need to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

» Antelope Canyon
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Can I make an install CD from an installed game? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 25, 2009


"Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can'tbe done and why. Then do it." --- Robert Heinlein
Thanks to Bill for this story: Big Jake was having his long hair styled at the hairdressers when a bus smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Jake, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the bus and found the driver unhurt. The car driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Jake lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The car driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again. Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Jake returned to his hairdresser's seat. "I just don't understand why he kept passing out," he said to the hairdresser. "I did everything they taught me." "Well, put yourself in the car driver's place," said the hairdresser. "He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green cape, weird hair, with a head full of wires, pounding on his chest and kissing him. You'd pass out too."
A young woman doctor tells the story about her 4 year old daughter. On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Wowcome to McDonnahs. Do ya want fwies wif that?"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it ain't, Teacher. I'm eight today. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have 10 feet. TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any. TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? : BIG hands!
Thanks to Robert for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Adam Garland and Michael Queener at the at the Turney Center prison in Tennessee Inmates Escape, Steal Cigarettes, Return CLIFTON, Tenn. -- The state Department of Correction said two inmates escaped a minimum security prison in southwest middle Tennessee on Nov. 7 to steal cigarettes before returning, WSMV-TV in Nashville reported. Adam Garland and Michael Queener are accused of escaping through a window in their cell at the Turney Center Annex and crawling under a fence. While out, the men stole cigarettes and tobacco products from a convenience store before returning to the prison by going back through the window that they had escaped from, officials at the corrections department said. Officers later discovered the contraband, and an investigation began. Queener was serving a 10-year sentence for aggravated robbery. Garland was serving a five-year sentence for attempted aggravated burglary and theft. The men will now face escape and burglary charges, and minimum security days are over for them.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moo Mom Re: Can I make an install CD from an installed game? Dear Webby, I was wondering if it would be possible to some how copy a game and all that goes with it that was installed in a friends computer from a game cd or disc , what ever you call them into mine, they no longer have the original cd for me to install the game. can it some how be copied to a blank cd and then installed in mine.? Thanks a lot ... Moo Mom Dear Moo Mom Usually that is impossible. If that was possible, they would sell only ONE CD, and everybody would copy it from the machine it was installed on. They couldn't pay their rent in that case. Look for that game on eBay. There are bound to be some people who have outgrown it and are selling the CD cheaply. Have FUN! DearWebby
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baked-on Food I find the best way to remove any baked on or burned residue in pans or casseroles, or burner rings is to sprinkle on some dry dishwasher detergent, cover with hot tap water and allow to sit overnight. In the morning, it will come off with a wipe of the sponge. I haven't found any other method that works without scrubbing. By TwoDogsMom from Vista CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lawyer dies on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 760 years old." "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I was shot on my 40th birthday!." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up the time you billed."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and gimme the bill." So the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times, then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and gimme the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice. So he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone in the houshe a drink, gimme the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

» Awesome photo gallery
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How do I restore from an emergency back-up? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 24, 2009


"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true." --- Polish Proverb "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." --- Tom Clancy
Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence with a direct object. Little Johnny stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, I think you have lost weight." "Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" "A good report card next month," he replied....
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own TV, phone, computer and DVD player. "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!"
The lawyer emailed his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want us to order burial or cremation ?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both, but not in that order."
Utah
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 17 year old bank robber in Warwick, RI RI teen skipped school, robbed bank WARWICK, R.I. (AP) - Police say a 17-year-old Warwick boy who skipped school to rob a bank has been arrested after leaving fingerprints on the threatening note he passed to the teller. Warwick police Capt. Sean Collins said the boy handed a note riddled with misspellings to a teller Thursday, demanding money or "everyone will be shot." The teller at Coastway Community Bank gave the teen money, but he didn't have much time to spend it. Police said his image was captured on surveillance cameras, and his fingerprints were found on the note. Police said the teen was arrested six hours after the alleged theft and faces a first degree robbery charge. The teen, whom police declined to identify because he's a juvenile, was being held at the Rhode Island Training School.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harlin Re: How do I restore from an emergency back-up? Dear Webby, I have been reading your emails daily and have found the information very helpful. I have a problem with my computer and just wondered if you would not mind helping me out. I really enjoy your emails - keep up the good work. I did an emergency backup and the information was stored in the D drive. I am unable to retrieve the information because the folder is locked. How do I get the information out of the drive and put back into the proper folders. Thank you for any help you can give me. Harlin Dear Harlin That sounds like you may have used one of the many back-up programs that compress and encrypt the files and then lock them, so that nobody else can use them. For privacy protection, that is definitely a good idea, but it can be a nuisance for retrieval. You need the exact program, that you used to make that back-up, to unlock, decrypt, and expand the files. Without that program, the back-up is just wasted space. Not all, but most of those programs allow you to restore just selected files, but some default to a complete, everything or nothing, restore. You got to be very calm, cool and focused when you do the restore, so that you don't accidentally overwrite files that you have updated in the meantime. In some cases, it is bet to rename those or copy them to a different location, so that they won't get overwritten by the restore. Have FUN! DearWebby
Michael strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to a Mrs. Rogers." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" Michael says, "Since he found out that the birth control pills that you prescribed for me did nothing about my hemorrhoids, and the salve you prescribed for Mrs Rogers did not stop her from getting pregnant."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Oven Heat to Warm Your House After using your oven in the winter, turn it off and leave the door open so the leftover heat can spread into your home. Of course you need to keep small children away until it cools, but when it comes to conserving energy and money every little bit sure adds up. By Patricia from Imperial, NE Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Norrissa was nervous the night her new boyfriend invited her and her three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. He ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, the children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. When the waitress poured a small amount for Norissa to taste and handed her the glass, her six-year-old piped up, "Mom can drink a LOT more than that! Give her the bottle!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Aaron bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for their Anniversary. His friend Benny remarked: "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive cars." "She did," Aaron replied. "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep ?!!"

» Great Books
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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MSN blocking subscriptions 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 23, 2009


"I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly." --- Brad Stine It is hard to say whether the doctors of laws or the doctors of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery. --- Samuel Goldwyn
The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the Duke Of Edinbourgh over for a cup of tea. The conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was telling the Duke about her new prize horse. After a spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!" So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to admire the horse. At one point the Queen walked around the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling fart, with a smell that brought tears to everybody's eyes and blistered the paint ... let's just say it was awesome.. The Queen turned a bit red and said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!" "Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had thought it was the horse!"
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on your forehead every day, bad thoughts will pass away." Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is TURPENTINE! If you put this on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley!
was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Thanks to Dave for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a dopey Pennsylvanian couple Woman smuggled drugs to Pa. inmate with kiss Nov 20, 3:12 PM (ET) MERCER, Pa. (AP) - A western Pennsylvania woman has been ordered to stand trial on charges she passed a drug-filled balloon to a state prison inmate while kissing him. State police said guards at the State Correctional Institution-Mercer became suspicious when an inmate appeared to swallow something after a prolonged kiss with a visitor on Oct. 19. When the inmate wouldn't tell guards what he swallowed, they put him in a cell where they could monitor his bathroom visits and found a balloon filled with marijuana three days later. Police charged the inmate, and the woman with conspiracy to smuggle contraband and other charges. Both are 41 years old. A district judge ordered them to stand trial at a hearing on Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Beverly Re: Can't unsubscribe or subscribe Dear Webby still messing with this......can't unsubscribe as i'm not in the list data base. go figure. can't you just bypass your system and sign me up by hand??? if i can get a letter from you, should get the humor letter... if it is being sent. I can ...and have ..subscribe,but never get the confirmation letter so guess i just get dumped out of your system., like must have happened a month or so ago. BEVERLY Dear Beverly You probably unsubscribed and tried to re-subscribe when MSN started censoring your subscription. Currently you are in the confirmation waiting list. Until you confirm, and thereby prove that MSN is not censoring mail from humor@webby.com, there is no point sending your subscription just to be censored and murdered by the Taliban. You can try whitelisting humor@webby.com, and try subscribing again when the current confirmation request times out. It keeps trying for 72 hours. In the long run, though, your best bet would be to get a respectable and reliable address. Have FUN! DearWebby
The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example: USA uses USS which means "United States Ship." The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship." and now...Italy is using AMB which apparently means "At's-a My Boat!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Winter Tip: Keep Clean, Dry Socks Handy Keep a clean pair of dry socks under the seat of your car, in your bag or in a coat pocket in case you get your feet wet! You'll thank yourself for this thoughtfulness especially if you have to spend an entire day with cold wet feet and catch a cold due to it! By Melody_yesterday from Sedalia, MO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is five times better than yours!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

» A place between us
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Pictures too big in Outlook Express 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 22, 2009


"Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." --- John F. Kennedy People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. --- Leo J. Burke For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news. --- Gloria Borger
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor, who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with money."
The following ad appeared in a newspaper. Single Black Female Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. Good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck.Hunting, Camping, Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy. (The phone number was the Dog Pound and Daisy was an eight week old Black Labrador Retriever.)
A 16-year old comes home and says "Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, keep the yard trimmed, and cut your hair. Come back when you've done all of that." Well, a month passes and the son approaches his dad, report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?" Father replies, "But, son, you didn't cut your hair." Son says, "But, Dad, Jesus had long hair." Father replies, "Yes, son, you're right. He never got to drive either."
Thanks to Donnie for this picture: A Mississippi Fox Squirrel
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Russell Spade, 41, of Redding, California Fugitive Imposter Two men were arrested Monday night - including one man who police say pretended to be a fugitive - after an hourlong chase that took officers through the streets and backyards of a south Redding neighborhood. Redding police were called about 9:20 p.m. to a report of two men trying to break into Northern California Recycling on Clear Creek Road, police Sgt. Mike Thomas said. When an officer spotted the two men, one ran away, while the second remained at the scene, police Sgt. Steve Moravec said. At least six officers, a helicopter and a police dog were called to the area to find the fleeing man, Thomas said. During the chase through the Westwood neighborhood off Highway 273, a resident apparently heard on an emergency radio scanner that police were looking for a man wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt. Moravec said the man wondered if police would notice him if he went outdoors wearing the clothing of the suspect they were searching for. "Well, we noticed him," Moravec said. Russell Spade, 41, of Redding was arrested on suspicion of obstructing and delaying a police officer, Moravec said. He does not face charges in connection with the alleged burglary because, other than his clothing, he didn't fit the description of the suspect, Moravec said. However, they most definitely have HIS number now. Police also arrested Matthew Padel, 23, of Redding on suspicion of prowling and possessing a dangerous drug, in this case methamphetamine, Moravec said. Police called off the search for the second man about 10:20 p.m., Thomas said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Pictures too big in Outlook Express Dear Webby I know you do not usually deal with Out Look Express but I have used it for years with good success. Maybe you know why when I send a picture it fills more than the whole screen. Is there a setting to change this and make the pics smaller? You have answered my questions since 1998 so you might know this one. Thanks. RON P Dear Ron I am not familiar with OE, but the picture should be resized before embedding it into ANY email program. OE does have a setting that automatically squishes pictures if you attach them, instead of embedding them, but it uses a lossy compression that can not be reversed. You might be able to find that setting, if you look in the OE help. Best is to use any graphics program to crop or resize the pictures beforehand, like I do with the Humor Letter. Personally, I have used Paint Shop Pro for about 20 years, but any graphics program will do. There are a dozens of free ones on the net, that are plenty good enough for resizing. Have FUN! DearWebby
.A man walks into an animal hospital with a gigantic parrot and asks to have the bird's beak and talons and wings trimmed. The owner warns the veterinarian's assistant that the bird dislikes these procedures and is apt to bite. The assistant puts on thick gloves and cautiously opens the cage. The parrot steps out, then looks at the wary assistant. "Don't worry," the parrot squawks. "I probably won't hurt you."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Your Free Credit Report Every Year Get a free credit report yearly and check it carefully. The 3-4 credit bureaus allow you one free credit report a year. We were surprised to find a problem on ours that we did not know about. Home owners insurance premiums can be affected by your credit rating even if they are paid through your mortgage. By Kim from Franklin Park, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It may still be winter where you are, but in Australia it's the season of the big spring mosquitos. The other evening, a man walked out into his yard and two mosquitos picked him up. As they lifted him, one says to the other, "Let's take him down by the lake and have a picnic." The other one said, "No way ! If we carry him down there, the big mosquitos will take him away from us."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a guy with his name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "Graduated in 1955." "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

» Edwards AFB
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Vista not able to handle video on Skype 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 21, 2009


"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help." --- Judith Martin
Thanks to Donny for this: WE are in trouble... The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes!
"You seem to have more than average intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "The nurse told me that I will be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "Hmmm, then I better start learning to read sheet music!"
Yukon memories!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kiara Medlock, 10, Ozark, Arkansas Teen assaults cop and needed to be tasered NOVEMBER 18--An Arkansas cop tasered an unruly 10-year-old girl after her mother called police to report that the child was crying, screaming, and refusing to go to bed. The tased girl, According to the Ozark Police Department report, when Officer Dustin Bradshaw arrived at the residence last Thursday, he found the girl "screaming, kicking, and resisting every time her mother tried to touch her." Bradshaw added that, "Her mother told me to tase her if I needed to." After Kiara continued to refuse her mother's instructions, the cop concluded that "there was not going to be a peaceful resolution of the issue." Bradshaw warned the girl that she was "going to jail," but the brat continued kicking and crying and resisted his attempt to handcuff her. During the fight, Kiara "struck me with her legs and feet in the groin, reported Bradshaw, who countered with a brief "stun to her back" with his Taser. The child, not surprisingly, "stopped resisting and was placed into handcuffs. However, she refused to walk on her own and I had to carry her to my police car." Kiara was then transported to a youth shelter. ------------ Sounds like that brat will need to get tased a few more times before she starts acting her age.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Di Re: Vista not able to handle video on Skype Dear Webby Hi Webby: Since you are talking Skype - I have a question about using it for my webcam. I have been talking to my granddaughter in NC and I am in FL. I see and hear her fine for a few minutes, then my screen freezes the image of her, although we can still hear each other. She can still see me just fine. When we call each other back - it is fine again for a few minutes and then the same thing happens again. I am using a regular laptop with 3G of ram and she is using a mini notebook with the maximum ram required. Do you have any ideas, so I can start troubleshooting? Is it her problem or mine? I am running Vista and my hard drive is almost full. Thanks, Di Dear Di Well, that would 'splain things. Upgrading to XP would most definitely help. If you don't want to do that, add the 4th GB of RAM that Vista needs, get an external USB hard drive or second internal hard drive give the C: drive about 40% free space increase the virtual memory to at least twice the amount of RAM run DisKeeper to defrag and optimize your hard drives. That won't make it as fast and reliable as XP, but programs won't get stuck or partially stuck as often. Another solution is to buy an old XP machine ( with the XP CD ! ) at a yard sale, format and re-install XP, and use that for your communications and anything that requires speed and power. Have FUN! DearWebby
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "they're for my girlfriend". The little 5 year old said, again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a LOT of them, too! Man, you really must have f****d up!" Her mother turned as red as the roses, but all the other passengers bust a gut laughing.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Subtract Savings First It seems the more I made the more I spent, until I decided to try a special way to save money. Each month, when I get paid, I subtract an amount of money that I am going to try to save. Once it is subtracted in my register, it seems like it is not there but it really is should a serious emergency arise. I try to make it an amount that is pushing my saving limit. At the end of the month, I have to decide what to do with it. I either save it or purchase something that is really needed, such as tires. In times past, I would just go out and charge tires on my credit card and hope that I could pay it off at the end of the month. This way, with a little patience, I will have the money in hand before I buy tires. By Paula from GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back. When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint of beer and he went off to work!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
The Burgess Hill Town Council in the UK, in response to a worker's complaint that sunlight coming through the window caused a glare on her computer screen, has already had three meetings, six months of discussion, contact with several contractors, produced a six page report, worked up five potential alternatives, their favorite being the spending of up to $10,000 to put computer controlled screens on the outside of the window or coat the window with reflective film, but whose Town Clerk solved the problem by moving the desk away from the window, but had forgotten to tell them.

» Wildlife Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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