[Paraprosdokians] Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. Example: "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, June 15

Almost warm enough to put the top down on the car.
Summer is definitely getting close!

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He 
prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working." 
--- Fred Marcum

You can pretend to be serious; 
you can't pretend to be witty.
--- Sacha Guitry



Myrna was asked what she would consider the worst
thing to receive on her upcoming twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary?"

She deadpanned:  "Morning Sickness."




Face Book Fan Page in a Box is everything you need 
to make a successful Facebook Fanpage. It is a constantly 
evolving product that will keep you ahead of the ever 
changing Facebook landscape. A lifetime membership
wil guarantee you the newest updates. Good deal!




Thanks to Bill for this story:
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - 
 
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if 
   holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of 
   cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding 
   pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow 
   cat to close mouth and swallow. 
 
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat 
   in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 


3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 
 
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding 
   rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to 
   back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 
 
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. 
   Call spouse from garden. 
 
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold 
   front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get 
   spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden 
   ruler into mouth Drop pill; put  down ruler and rub cat's throat
   vigorously. 


7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil 
   wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully 
   sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one 
   side for gluing later. 
 
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head 
   just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, 
   force  mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 
 
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 
   one  beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm 
   and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 
 
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open 
    another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, 
    to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick 
    pill down throat with elastic band. 
 
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on 
    hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply 
    cold  compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply 
    whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw 
    T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 
 
12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree 
    across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while 
    swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 
 
13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden 
    twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning 
    gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak 
    filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water 
    down throat to wash pill down. 
 
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency 
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and 
    removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home 
    to order new table. 
 
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local 
    pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available. 
 
---------------
I am not a cat person, but I know how to give a dog a pill:
Cover the pill with a spoon full of left-over people food and 
hand him the plate for half a second.
 


Thanks to Dad for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

Mammillaria Schumannii

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Karleena Lorren Kempf, 35, Knox County Illinois 

Woman arrested on 8 counts of gasoline theft
GALESBURG, Ill

Police arrested Karleena Lorren Kempf, 35, 99 Elm St., on 
eight counts of stealing gas from the HyVee store at 2110 E. 
Main St.

According to police reports, station manager Bradley Hopping 
told police the driver of a white Saturn had taken gas and driven 
off without paying eight different times between May 19 and 
June 10. The most recent time he was able to get the license 
number. He provided police with the receipts of the thefts that 
gave the times and amounts of gas stolen.

Hopping showed the videos of each incident and the officer 
could tell it was the same car and person pumping the gas.
Officers arrested Kempf at her home at 8:53 a.m. Saturday.

The police report says while at jail Kempf was advised of her 
Miranda warning and said she would talk to police. She said 
she did take the gasoline because she didn’t have money to 
pay for it, and her boyfriend made her do it. She remains in 
Knox County jail.

The photos and receipts were taken as evidence and Hopping 
said he could provide a DVD of the video of each theft within 
a week.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Mike
Re: Spam purportedly from ME !

Dear Webby,
Does this mean someone has got my passwords?? Or is it a
new type of spam? It appears to be from me to me?
Mike

Dear Mike
yes, just spam.
They paste your address into the FROM slot just as easy as
they paste it into the TO slot.

Since most of your Senators act like they have been leased
by spammers, don't expect things to get better, until vigilantes
take the law into their own hands and burn a few dozen
spammers at the stake.

Luckily for you, that particular flavor of spam can be filtered
easily. Just make a filter in your MailWasher to delete and
hide mail from you to you. DON'T bounce it back though !
That would create a loop and plug up your mail box for good.

Have FUN!
DearWebby





Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery
Naturally Within Just 1 - 3 Months. 
No pills or snake oils, just instructions.
Get 2/3 off the regular price with this Anniversary offer.
Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery



Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each
accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the
apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear
the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Create Computer Troubleshooting Binder
I love my computer but must admit that I'm not savvy on it at 
all. I am forever coming across a problem that I don't know 
how to fix and having to call HP, AOL or somebody to help 
me. I found I was calling lots of times over and over for the 
same problems. Finally I came up with an idea and it's 
saved me countless phone calls.

Now when I have a problem and have to call, while I'm on 
the phone I take detailed notes. Then when I'm done I 
immediately write up the problem and everything that was 
done to fix the problem on the computer (or hand write it, 
either way). I keep a notebook binder on the desk now 
with lots of page protectors in it. Into each page protector 
goes the problem and fix. Then I stick a tab on the edge 
with a short "label" of what the problem was.

This has saved me a lot of headaches and a lot of time. 
It's so much faster and easier than trying to call these 
companies!

By Cricketnc from Parkton, NC
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver-
sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that 
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to 
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, 
"Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all 
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came 
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, 
honey. Where'd you get them?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming 
up a storm. He asked his mom, 
"Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny said:
"WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"






 »   http://tinyurl.com/4xxkdh8 

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---

I'm Glad 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011, 02:44 PM -
Posted by Administrator

I'm Glad I'm A Man!
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

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---

Before/After 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011, 02:05 PM -
Posted by Administrator

Things To Be Thankful For

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

Before Children:
I was thankful to have been born in the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
After Children:
I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

Before Children:
I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
After Children:
I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

Before Children:
I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
After Children:
I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

Before Children:
I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
After Children:
I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

Before Children:
I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
After Children:
I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

Before Children:
I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
After Children:
I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

Before Children:
I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
After Children:
I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

Before Children:
I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
After Children:
I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hotline.

Before Children:
I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
After Children:
I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

Before Children:
I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
After Children:
I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

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---

Medical Painters 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011, 09:23 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, June 14

Now Air Canada is going on strike too. I am sure WestJet will
be happy to hear that and probably will buy another dozen jets 
to cope with the extra business.

Like the post office, Air Canada is stuck with exorbitant 
pensions negotiated a long time ago, when profits were fat 
and the number of retirees small.

Now the profits are slim, and they currently have 26,000 workers
supporting 29,000 pensioners. That just does not work out,
and everybody knows, the company has to either put a stop
to that, or declare bankruptcy. 

The unions don't care. They just want to show their power
like terrorists, and insist on pensions like senators. 

They are not getting any sympathy anywhere. Expect the
Air Canada strike to last a while!

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




"To bring up a child in the way he should go,
travel that way yourself once in a while."
--- Josh Billings

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city."
--- George Burns



A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He
explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want
you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in
Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get
off in Buffalo."

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was
furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful
before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you
stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?"

"That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard
the guy I kicked out in Buffalo!"




Face Book Fan Page in a Box is everything you need 
to make a successful Facebook Fanpage. It is a constantly 
evolving product that will keep you ahead of the ever 
changing Facebook landscape. A lifetime membership
wil guarantee you the newest updates. Good deal!




A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the 
day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later.  "It isn't every day that 
a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and 
have them clipped in the afternoon."


Thanks to Sue for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

Sue's Robins

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Guy Hornedeagle, 51, of Lake Andes, SD

Man arrested for drunken mower driving

LAKE ANDES, S.D., June 13 (UPI) -- Authorities in South Dakota 
said a man was arrested for driving under the influence -- 
on a lawn mower.

The Charles Mix Sheriff's Office said employees at a travel plaza 
called deputies Tuesday after Guy Hornedeagle, 51, of Lake Andes, 
filled his mower up with gas and purchased a beer, 
The (Mitchell, S.D.) Daily Republic reported Monday.

The employees said Hornedeagle appeared intoxicated. Sheriff 
Randy Thaler said Deputy Andrew Stirling caught up with Hornedeagle 
on westbound Highway 46 and saw him finish the beer and throw 
it to the side of the road.

Hornedeagle was arrested and charged with DUI, open container 
and littering. He was released on bond and is scheduled to appear 
in court June 21.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Amy
Re: Unreliable subscription

Dear Webby,
same thing happened to me in both my hotmail and yahoo accounts, 
so I just put you in my browser favorites and go there everyday, 
why put up with the hassle from your email account, sincerely, 
Amy

Dear Amy 
Once you get a respectable email address, those problems 
will go away instantly.

Have FUN!
DearWebby





Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery
Naturally Within Just 1 - 3 Months. 
No pills or snake oils, just instructions.
Get 2/3 off the regular price with this Anniversary offer.
Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery



Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case 
which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was 
flustered and at her wit's end.

At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened 
up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Let Dough Rise in Microwave
no change from yesterday

I love to bake homemade bread and pizza dough and don't 
really care for bread machine results (yeah I know they're 
so much easier). When I make breads by hand, I need a 
nice warm, clean, out of the way place for the dough to rise. 
I have been putting the dough in my microwave (turned off, 
of course) and letting it rise there with the best results. It 
frees up my counter space and is clean and warm. So 
make use of that idle microwave when in need of a place 
for dough to rise. I've even got some pizza dough rising 
in mine right now for entertaining friends later.

By blazincopper from Blue Bell, PA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he
would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following
Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the
congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about
the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped
into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit
Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text.
"Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was"
- he turned the page to continue -
"three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back,
read it silently, and turned the page again.
Then he looked up at his congregation and said,
"I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years,
but there are some things in it that are a bit hard to
believe."



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the
young lady from a nearby city.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a
patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do an awful  lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down
with a hacksaw. But there are also some breeds of cattle
that never grow horns. But the real reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."






 »   Aero-Dynamics 

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---

The Best Things... 

Monday, June 13, 2011, 08:37 PM -
Posted by Administrator

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---

Not getting subscriptions on Hotmail 

Monday, June 13, 2011, 10:34 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, June 13

Today the postal service here in Canada goes onto a 3 day
per week schedule in urban areas. 

How did that come about?
The people hit back at the union, trying to hold our mail for 
ransom. 
"Fine, if you want to play terrorist, then we will simply not 
use the mail. There ARE alternatives nowadays!"

Most likely next week they will be cut to two days per week.
And then the lay-offs will start. "Due to the low volume of
mail, your sevices are no longer required."

Seems to be the end of traditional unions holding the
population for ransom.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country
are decent, hard-working, honest Americans.
It's the other lousy two percent that get all the
publicity. But then--we elected them.
--- Lily Tomlin

"Genius without education is like silver in the mine."
--- Benjamin Franklin

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons
serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
--- Al Capone



A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked
her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made
neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned
out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she
got told where to go."




Face Book Fan Page in a Box is everything you need 
to make a successful Facebook Fanpage. It is a constantly 
evolving product that will keep you ahead of the ever 
changing Facebook landscape. A lifetime membership
wil guarantee you the newest updates. Good deal!




A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn
mower is lent out to the neighbor and broken.


Thanks to Sue for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Travis Edwin Huffman, 25, and his mother,
Kimberly "Butterbean" Meadows, 43, of Porter, Texas

Man texts cop in drug deal


PORTER, Texas, June 8 (UPI) -- Texas police say a mother and 
son were arrested on narcotics charges by an officer who 
received the son's text message outlining a drug deal.

A police statement said Travis Edwin Huffman, 25, of Porter, 
Texas, allegedly was trying to arrange the sale of narcotic 
pain pills but mis-sent his intended text to the phone of a 
Montgomery County police officer.

Precinct 4 undercover narcotics investigators Lt. Mark Seals 
and Sgt. Ricky Warwick arranged a buy Tuesday in the 
parking lot of the Porter Walmart. After Huffman sold police 
hydrocodone pills out of his car, he was arrested, 
KTRK-TV, Houston, reported Wednesday.

Police then went to the home Huffman shared with his mother, 
Kimberly "Butterbean" Meadows, 43, where they found 
marijuana.

After police took Meadows into custody for the marijuana, 
she allegedly told them she gave Huffman the hydrocodone 
pills to sell so they would split the proceeds. Huffman 
allegedly corroborated his mother's statement and both 
mother and son are now charged with delivery of a controlled 
substance, the TV station said.

"We've arrested a large number of people for selling narcotics 
in East County, but this is the first time I can recall a dealer 
who was contacting us to set up a transaction," Police 
Constable Kenneth Hayden said.



From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Kim K
Re: Unreliable subscription

Dear Webby,
Why is my subscription so unreliable?
I usually get your newsletter about twice a week, some others
once a week or once every two weeks, but I get spam every
day of the week.And now and then, I get the same subscription 
twice in the same day! What can I do about that?
Kim K.

Dear Kim
That is about normal for Hotmail users.They use a totally
insane quota system. When a certain number of emails have
arrived from any one block of IP numbers, all further ones
are blocked for the rest of the day. 

If you go around and shoot all the other subscribers with 
ho'mail addresses, then you would get your subscription
every day. However, some of them might not like that and
shoot back. So I don't recommend that method.

Victims of Yahoo have similar problems, except with Yahoo,
there is no discernible method to their madness.

In both cases, I recommend that you get a Gmail address on
the side for important stuff. You can continue using ho'mail 
and Yahoo for cyber sex and for getting onto the mailing 
lists of spammers, but at least you have one reliable address 
for utility bills and for subscriptions.

Gmail addresses are free, and easy to customize. AND, you
can handle your Gmail with any full featured POP email 
program.

Have FUN!
DearWebby





Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery
Naturally Within Just 1 - 3 Months. 
No pills or snake oils, just instructions.
Get 2/3 off the regular price with this Anniversary offer.
Vision without glasses, contacts or surgery






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Let Dough Rise in Microwave
I love to bake homemade bread and pizza dough and don't 
really care for bread machine results (yeah I know they're 
so much easier). When I make breads by hand, I need a 
nice warm, clean, out of the way place for the dough to rise. 
I have been putting the dough in my microwave (turned off, 
of course) and letting it rise there with the best results. It 
frees up my counter space and is clean and warm. So 
make use of that idle microwave when in need of a place 
for dough to rise. I've even got some pizza dough rising 
in mine right now for entertaining friends later.

By blazincopper from Blue Bell, PA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



The police recently busted a man selling ' secret formula'
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through
their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught
for commiting this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks 
down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. 
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and 
looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. 
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the 
back."






 »   Aero-Dynamics 

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---

Great Signs 

Sunday, June 12, 2011, 02:12 PM
Posted by Administrator

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---

Och Indeed! 

Sunday, June 12, 2011, 02:11 PM -
Posted by Administrator

[ view entry ] ( 190 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 488 )

---

20 Gbps connection 

Sunday, June 12, 2011, 09:58 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, June 11

The nice weather did not last. 
It rained most of the day. We have pretty good drainage here,
but I do feel sorry for the people in the South, who have to
cope with all the water that flows their way.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong,
fortunately.
--- Russell Baker

You are as old as how and whome you feel.
--- Socratex



One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash 
his own sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied.  "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Chicago Bears"

Naturally she replied, "Cold water only gentle cycle."






Roy was going to bed the other night when Carla told him
that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see it
from the bedroom window.

As Roy looked for himself, he saw that there were people
in the shed taking things.

He phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in
this area to help at this time, but they would send someone
over as soon as they were available, probably in the morning.

Roy said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned
the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because of a burglary in
progress in my shed in the back yard of 234 Oak street.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now.
I'm shooting them all. If somebody does come over,
I'll be in the shed, just in case one of those crooks isn't
quite dead and needs another shot."

Within five minutes there were a dozen police cars
surrounding the shed, and a SWAT team, the works.

Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the
officers later asked Roy: "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

Roy replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!
And if you had not shown up, I would have had to!"


Thanks to betty for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Angus McClure, 26 in Greenock, Scotland

Skid marker





From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Elsinore
Re: Connectivity

Dear Webby,
I read that the average connection speed for home users in
Korea is 20 Gbps. Is that just propaganda?
If it is true, what can we do to get the same speed here?
Elsinore

Dear Elsinore
It is true indeed, for South Korea. 
North Korea, just like the US, is not in the top 10 for HOME 
connectivity speed.

South Korea uses mostly Cable and wireless, and almost no
Internet over phone lines. They don't have to cope with the 
huge distances we have in North America, and their fiber 
and cable networks are fairly new.

About all you can do is move to an area, where you can 
get TV cable. With TV-cable 20 Gbps is not a big deal, 
except when you talk to the ISP. They want you to pay a lot
more for that, even though the difference between 2 and 20
Gbps is just a software setting, not different hardware.

As long as there is no real competition, they charge whatever
they can get away with.

Have FUN!
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!



Trisha came running into the house after summer school
one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy!  I got a 100 in school
today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.  "Come in the
living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling,
30 in math, and 20 in science."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Milk Jug for Organizing Plastic Bags
Removing Lint from the Dryer

Re-use your just used dryer sheet to remove the lint from 
the lint-screen. It grabs the lint easily and it will help preserve 
your manicured nails!

By tahloolabelle from Ventura, CA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia
Mountain man was drafted by the Army. On his first day
in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Groan Alert!
A man went to see his eye doctor, who told him he had
a case of myopera and would have to wear contract lenses.

That's a lot better than his friend, who had had a cadillac
removed. Still, when he worked at his computer, he would
have to watch out for harbor tunnel syndrome.

He worried that his authoritis of the joints might be a signal
of Old Timer's disease and fretted that a genital heart defect
was causing trouble with his duodemon.






 »   Natural Sky Photos 

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---

No Hi-Speed over crackly lines 

Saturday, June 11, 2011, 08:36 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, June 11

Yesterday morning, at about the time you read your Humor Letter,
the Saskatoons looked their brightest, to lure bees from as far away
as possible.




Sure looks like a good crop of berries to look forward to!

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Talent develops in quiet places,
character in the full current of human life."
--- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

"Everyone has talent.
What is rare is the courage to follow the talent
into the dark place where it leads."
--- Erica Jong



A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across 
the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, 
they decided to go in together to buy a car.  

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the 
street between them.  

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest 
sprinkling water on their new car.  It didn't need a wash, 
so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.  
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.  

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside 
the synagogue.  He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, 
walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of 
the tailpipe.






The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving a test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
"A basketball coach?"





Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Stuart Feltham, 23, from Swindon, Wiltshire, England



Brit 'flasher' was set on fire by Greek woman

Stuart Feltham, 23, from Swindon, Wiltshire, suffered second
degree burns after 26-year-old student Marina Fanouraki 
allegedly splashed Sambuca, a flammable alcoholic drink 
at his bare front and set fire to him with a lighter, when he 
flashed and groped her.

The woman will appear in court today in the city of Iraklion, 
in northern Crete, charged with assault.

According to reports, she said she was acting in self-defence 
after the man exposed himself to a number of women in a bar, 
and then groped her against her wishes.

The story has made national headlines in Greece, where some 
have hailed the woman as a heroine. A Foreign Office 
spokeswoman said: "We can confirm that in the early hours of 
Tuesday a 23-year-old British male national was assaulted in Crete.
"We understand he suffered burns on his chest and abdomen."

Stuart Feltham did not stick around to appear in court and fled
back to England, where he lives with his parents.
His father claims the poor innocent boy suffered a totally 
unprovoked attack and did not flash and grope anybody.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Eddie
Re: What is needed to phone over the net?

Hi Mr Webby;
I have been having some serious issues with AT&T's U-verse. 
I have had already 10 tech's out to my house because of no 
picture on my tv, freezing up, resetting the box every time it 
rains, and to top it off I have found out that I am at the end 
loop as they call it..... which means that everyone on the 
block in front of us who has subscribed to this u-verse is 
drawing the same signal off of the old telephone line. 

So now this is also why I am having issues.

But I think I know how to deal with them..... anyways this 
will be my new email address... and I had asked you a 
question about online telephone...

I mean I saw the magic jack, but there were a lot of 
mixed reviews... and Vonage.... well I don't know much 
about this.... and now with "Google Talk" can you shed 
some new light on these questions.....?

Thank you for your great news letter.... keep em 
coming.

Eddie

Dear Eddie
First you need to get your line fixed, so that you have
reliable TV reception. Until then, everything else is a 
waste of time and money.

AT&T U-Verse has the AT&T version of Vonage or 
Magic Jack built in, and for $89 a month, you can
theoretically use it. 

However, it sounds like the lines in your area are 
hopelessly overloaded, and that method will never
work properly for you.

Try some company, that uses TV Cable instead of
ancient and inadequate phone lines.

The problems, when it rains, are a definite indicator that
your lines are old and get water crackle. You will not
even get reliable high speed Internet over those lines,
never mind TV and all that other promised stuff.

Those old crackly lines are just barely good enough for 
low speed dial-up. That's all.

Have FUN!
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!



Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma
Bulls. I asked how he got them to breed so well, since
he has a nice herd. He said that he gave the bulls
potency pills.

I asked what the pills were made of.

He said "I don't really know, but they taste like chocolate."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Milk Jug for Organizing Plastic Bags
An easy way to store your plastic grocery bags is in an old, 
clean plastic milk jug. Most of these milk jugs have an 
indented circle on one side. Just cut out the circle and 
stuff in the bags. It will hold many bags and is easy to 
store.

By Jan from Gainesville, GA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A young boy was kneeling by his bed and saying his
prayers and asked God to make him a good boy. The
boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his
son praying, "And make me a good boy, if You can.
And if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm
having a lot of fun being a nuisance."



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to
point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had
acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'm gpoing to sell every piece we've
got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were
going to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it all, my wife will kill me!"






 »   Suez Canal 

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---

Needs better email than Windows 7 has 

Friday, June 10, 2011, 09:06 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, June 10
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

We had a bright, sunny day and the landscape is starting to
warm up. The Saskatoon berry bushes are still in full bloom. 
A few days of rain did not hurt them at all. They ar still 
waiting for bees to show up and do their thing. If anything,
the bushes look even brighter than before.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
--- William G. McAdoo

It is a waste of time to try to teach a pig to sing.
It hurts the ears, and it annoys the pig.
-- Socratex



Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young
father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step.  Are you
prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.  "My wife has made appetizers
and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and
cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded.  "I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply.  "I've got a keg of beer and a case
of whiskey."






Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of 
the Insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. 
During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life 
insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will 
I get? 

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied "Unless you are a politician,
probably a life sentence"





Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the US DOE's Office of Inspector General

Edication Dept and OIG worse than Gestapo
15 heavily armed members of a SWAT team smashed the door
of Kenneth Wright and his three kids (3,7 and 11 years old)
in a pre-dawn surpise raid. 

They did not ring the door bell or knock on the door, they 
smashed the door, grabbed him by the neck, threw him on
the lawn and knelt on him, then handcuffed him and put him
into a patrol car for six hours.

A neighbor reported: ""They surrounded the house; it was like 
a task force of SWAT team," she told the station. 
"They all had guns. They dragged him out in his boxer shorts, 
threw him to the ground and handcuffed him."

Kenneth Wright has no criminal record, is not involved with
any criminal or terrorist organization, had no dope, no booze
and no weapons. 

He eventually found out, that they were actually looking for 
his estranged ex-wife, who had left years ago. 
They claimed there was a student loan issue. It is unknown,
why it took them six hours to search the tiny house, but
they did not find anything, that they could use to charge
Wright with.

Wright did not know anything about any student loans and 
thinks it may be something his ex wife did, after she left 
and moved elsewhere.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Trixie
Re: Not happy with Windows 7

Dear Webby,
I just bought a laptop with windows 7 on it.
I am in several graphic groups and using 
windows live mail is a real pain. Nothing
shows up as it should.
Did you at some time  mention that
there are still XP programs that
could be bought??
I would appreciate any info you could give me 
as I really hate windows 7.
Thanks,
Trixie

Dear Trixie
That is why I recommend buying XP, or at least W7+
with XP pre-installed at the factory.

Your laptop can still be converted to XP.
Contact Jerome at Spiritscents and haggle out a deal. 

If you just bought it, you may have a 30 day money back 
guarantee, especially if you paid for it with PayPal or a credit card.
Then you could add the $50 - $70 that w7 PLUS costs.
Yes, they give away W7 free with all new machines, 
but if you want XP, they charge you $50 - $70 penalty 
for that, and STILL claim "Another W7 sold!"

All Windows software will run on XP. XP is backward
compatible all the way to DOS and clay tablets.

By the way, you CAN use Eudora on W7, not just XP
and previous versions of Windows.
Microsoft is in a snit about Eudora being so much
better than the newest one they have, that they won't 
allow you to make it your default email program, 
but it works just fine. Just start it manually with a 
task bar icon. Eudora has been precise, reliable and
predictable since 1991.

If you install Eudora, let me know, and I will send you 
a registration code.

Have FUN!
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!

By the way, did you know that "dirty" fish 
tank water is a very potent, natural fertilizer 
for your garden or balcony flower or herb 
boxes? Turbo Geraniums!

Boost your kitchen herbs like magic.




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man 
he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?" 
The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to Heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go 
to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when 
you die you don't want to go to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group 
together to go right now." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save On Watering By Collecting Rain Water
Place a bucket under the window A/C to catch the water or 
insert a long hose that reaches your plants. I also keep a big 
tub ready for downpours to catch the rain water, which I use 
for plants or to wash my car. My grandmother used to wash 
our hair with rain water. She claimed it made hair grow. I 
always had very long hair and can't vouch for the rainwater, 
but the grass and plants do grow with it.

By iruiz27 from S. TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so
tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a
week".

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair
of jeans in a day".

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my
grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour".



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Thanks to Sue for this report:
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to com-
ment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked 
these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one 
of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "Oh, 
probably about 5 - 10 years."






 »   Nature Fotos 

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---

Skype got murdered 

Thursday, June 9, 2011, 08:43 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, June 9

Skype got murdered

Microsoft lets FSB (formerly KGB) listen in on Skype.
Nikolai Pryanishnikov, the head of Microsoft Russia says 
he'd be happy to share the encryption code of newly 
acquired Skype with Russia's security services.

You may have noticed a sleazy forced "update" in the last
few days. Skype crashed and came back updating, without
giving you a choice to agree or deny. That seems to be part
of the murder of Skype.

Those two moves totally murdered any trust in Skype.
It still works for sending pictures of your pets and chatting
with Gramma, but if you are involved with Human Rights or
Democracy, it's time to move on over to Google Talk. 
It is very unlikely,that Google will sell out.

We may see some super-encryption add-ons for Skype
appearing in the next few months, from people trying to
revive trust in Skype. 

That $8.5 Billion dollar panic grab, just to make sure 
Google or Cisco or Citrix or Oracle couldn't buy it, 
did not make sense. Skype would take over thousand years
to pay back that much money. Now we know where THAT wind
is blowing from.

I will still use Skype for tech suport and to chat with my dad,
but all communication to Eastern Block countries, and anything
of a Human Rights nature, has shifted to Google Talk.

Google Talk is similar to Skype, but takes a bit of getting used
to it, since there are so many ways to customize it for your 
own purpose. I still have a lot to learn about it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
--- Peter De Vries

But what is the difference between literature and
journalism?
..Journalism is unreadable and
literature is not read. That is all.
--- Oscar Wilde

Always and never are two words you should always remember 
never to use.
---Wendell Johnson



A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly
intelligent but all he ever does is swear. Day and night the
parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day
the man decides to teach him a lesson.

He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly
swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot
that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door
of his freezer and throw him in.

The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man
opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him
inside and slams it shut.

The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out
and promises never to swear again. After about 5 minutes
the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places
him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and
asks the man,
"What did the chicken do?"






An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young 
woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. 

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a 
friend. 

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her 
you're 90."





Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Marques Jeter, 24, 

Underwear thief arested at church 

ELYRIA, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio said they arrested a 
man praying in a church after stealing four packages of 
underwear from a dollar store. 

Elyria police said Marques Jeter, 24, took four packages of 
underwear from a Family Dollar store about 4:50 p.m. 
Sunday and struck the manager in the face after she 
asked to see his receipt, The (Lorain) Morning Journal 
reported Tuesday. 

The police report said Jeter pushed two customers out of 
the way as he fled the store. 

Officers said they spotted Jeter outside of the nearby 
United Church of Christ an he was arrested while praying 
in an "unintelligible manner" in the basement of the facility. 

Jeter was taken to the Lorain County Jail on a robbery 
charge. 


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Russ
Re: Convert PDF

Dear Webby
I use a free product called Some PDF to Txt Converter. 
Although the interface is a little weak, it does a great job of 
converting PDF's to text with the exact spacing, unlike doing a 
SAVE AS from Adobe.
http://www.somepdf.com
- Russ

Dear Russ
Thank you very much for that link!

Have FUN
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!

By the way, did you know that "dirty" fish 
tank water is a very potent, natural fertilizer 
for your garden or balcony flower or herb 
boxes? Turbo Geraniums!

Boost your kitchen herbs like magic.




An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General
sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use
all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we
are up against here." 

Yumti-Bi laid down and put his ear to the ground. 
"Heap large -- war party," he says, "maybe three hundred
braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. 
All have war paint...many many guns. 
Medicine man also with them." 

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that 
just by listening to the ground???" 

"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Backpack and School Supplies
In most areas of the US, school will be over soon. 
The last thing on everyone's mind right now is the 
next school year. But this is a relatively painless 
tip that doesn't take much time and will surely 
save you money.

When the kids come home on the last day of 
school, don't just put the backpacks in the closet. 
Go ahead and empty them out; tossing out the 
short pencils, used workbooks, etc. If there 
are usable art or other school supplies, put 
them in a safe place for next year. At my son's school, 
he had to purchase his own art class supplies and I reused 
the same paint colors and magic markers because of their 
light use. If you have a supply list for next year, put that in 
a safe place as well so you will have it when the back to 
school sales start.

Finally, inspect the backpacks. Can they be used again 
another year? I'm not sure where the practice of a new 
backpack every year started but if you start out with a 
sturdy one they can be used for many years. Toss it in 
the washer and give it a good cleaning. When dry, hang 
it back up and it will be ready and waiting for you at the 
end of summer.

By wendiesioux from Edwardsport, IN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Sam Dunne was trying to locate his son, John, whom he hadn't 
heard from in 7 years. He hired a private detective, Roger, 
who decided he'd start looking for John in New York City. 

After pounding the pavement for several days, Roger saw "Dunne 
& Bradstreet" on a sign outside a skyscraper. 

"Ahh... DUNNE!!"  thought Roger, and walked into the foyer.

"Excuse me...you don't work here," said a security guard 
seated at a desk. 

"Oh, I'm looking for John," said Roger. 

"Ah, that's down the hall, third door on the left," said the
guard.  

Roger burst into the men's room just as some poor guy was 
leaving the toilet stall.

"Are you Dunne??" asked Roger. 

The poor guy gestured towards the toilet and said, "Yes, yes 
I am."  

"Well then," said Roger, "You'd better give your father a 
call!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma.  
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.  
When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to 
see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her.  It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the 
doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But 
doctor, she's so young.   She's only 48."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.






 »   Avian Array 

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---

Convert PDF to WORD 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011, 08:19 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, June 8

Yes, I know that alphabet is not the one devised by Morse. 
And it is not the Boy Scout Alphabet either. 
Officially, if you want to be really picky, it is 
"The NATO Phonetic Alphabet Mnemonic".




Because that is too big a mouthful and too difficult to spell
correctly twice in a row, and because the Girl Guides did
not want the Boy Scouts to get any credit for it, good ol 
Morse's name was wrongly tagged onto it.

With Morse's actual dot-dash mnemonic alphabet, which
I learned as a kid, it used the "short vowels" like a, e, i, u
for dots and the "long vowel" o for the dashes.

In that version, ATOM was used for the letter A, and with
a short and a long vowel, you got DOT - DASH.

E, the most used letter, was EIS in German and EGG in English,
just a short vowel, hence just one dot.

Uniform for U was adopted the same by NATO. It is still correct:
Dot Dot Dash

Personally, I prefer the old version, where the vowels indicated
dots or dashes, but I am not going to lose any sleep over it.

Oh, the reason I made it that small is so that you can print it
and glue it somewhere near where your phone is.If you do 
want it larger, click through the picture to the large version. 
You know the drill by now!

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




 Life is not about how fast you run, or
 how high you climb, but how well you
 bounce. 
 --- Socratex
 
Men who never get carried away should be.
--- Malcolm Forbes



While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her
students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class. The next
day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the
class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."

The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."

The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."

The 5th child said, "I'm Southern Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."






TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have 10 years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid
mistakes in one day?
STUDENT: I get up early.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope so too!

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,
how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly) You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly) You don't know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: BIG hands!

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat", "defense", and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense
before detail.


Thanks to Chuck for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.
Hi Webby,
I've got a weird, flowering cactus in my front yard. Here's a couple pics.
Chuck
.
Hi Chuck, that's a "Spanish Dagger", actually closer to 
asperagus or agave than a cactus. There are many different 
variations. The one you got, that blooms this time of year, is 
probably the one called Yucca Gloriosa or something very 
similar.

I love the dry flower / fruit stems for waking sticks in the
desert. They are incredibly light weight and surprisingly 
strong.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to John Simister, 51 from Milford, Conn.

Connecticut man charged with DWI twice in one day 
in Onondaga County

LaFayette, NY -- A Connecticut man was charged with driving 
while intoxicated by state police twice in about 10 hours Monday.

Troopers first came in contact with John Simister, 51, of 38 Linda Drive, 
Milford, Conn., at 12:17 p.m. Monday when he was stopped on 
Interstate 81 in Tully, troopers said. Simister, who troopers said 
was doing 80 mph on the highway, was found to have a blood-alcohol 
content of 0.19.

Troopers ticketed Simister and he was released to a sober third 
party, troopers said.

At 10:20 p.m., an off-duty trooper spotted a man drinking alcohol 
inside a vehicle at the Nice and Easy convenience store in LaFayette. 
Troopers checked the area, saw the suspect vehicle and attempted 
to pull it over.

Simister led troopers on a short pursuit that ended when the 
he pulled into a driveway on Newell Hill Road in LaFayette, 
troopers said. Troopers said Simister was again behind the 
wheel.

Simister was arrested again and he was found to have a 
BAC of 0.17. The legal threshold to DWI is a BAC of 0.08.

He was charged with failure to comply, consuming alcohol 
in a vehicle, failure to keep right and DWI.

Simister was arraigned in LaFayette Town Court and ordered 
held at the Onondaga County Justice Center.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Ron
Re: Convert PDF

Dear Webby
I need to convert some pdf files to WORD. I thought open office 
used to do that but since I upgraded open office I cannot open 
pdf files from it. Lots of programs to convert to pdf but not the 
other way. Got any good ideas (thats a laugh, I know you do) 
to help me out. Thanks as always.
RON P

Dear Ron
PDF files are basically intercepted print jobs, a graphical 
image. To convert them to text, you have to scan that image 
with an OCR program. 
Adobe made many hundreds of Billions by making that as 
difficult as possible, in order to provide unalterable invoices 
and forms and Books.

There ARE some programs nowadays, that let you edit PDF 
files, but I don't think there are any free ones, that will let 
you convert a PDF file to WORD.

Since I never need them in WORD format, I just use 
PDF-Exchange to edit them when neded, and save them 
again as PDF. The nediting is not really true editing, 
but more a commenting or mark-up or form filling,
but that suits me fine.

If I have to fix a typo or change a name in a birth certificate,
then it is easier to do a screen capture and use a graphics
program for doing that, because the overlay / annotation
method of PDF Exchange is much sharper than the original,
and the editing / annotating / form filling is just as obvious
as the editing on a certain birth certificate, that received
a lot of publicity last month.

If WORD is just an intermediate step, try ignoring that and 
look for a one step converter from PDF to for example 
Palm's PDB. There are lots of those listed.

Have FUN
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!

By the way, did you know that "dirty" fish 
tank water is a very potent, natural fertilizer 
for your garden or balcony flower or herb 
boxes? Turbo Geraniums!

Boost your kitchen herbs like magic.




Thanks to Rose for this story:
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I
happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with
the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded
parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able
to locate my vehicle easily. 

Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like 
that to help me find my car."

"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Sort Mail in Front Entry
While organizing my front entryway, I realized I needed 
places for junk mail which I recycle, bills, and items to be 
shredded. I hung some attractive straw purses on my coat 
rack with labels for each. This way I don't carry them to the 
dining table or the sofa where they tend to pile up. Now I 
sort them as soon as I carry them through the door!

By Susan from Elkhart, IN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Waiting at a crosswalk, I overheard some kids talking
about their siblings.
"My brother takes Karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes Judo," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up,
"MY fister does Karaoke!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on
television about becoming a teacher.  She called the number
shown: 1-800-45TEACH.  After a woman answered, the
student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what
number she was calling.  The student told her and there
was a long pause.  Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."






 »   Profusion of Color 

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---

Times: They Are A-changin' 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011, 02:31 PM -
Posted by Administrator

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---

Charlie: You Were'nt The First 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011, 02:30 PM -
Posted by Administrator

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---

Morse Alphabet 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011, 08:02 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, June 7

In the North of the province they have wild fires and smoky 
conditions for hundreds of miles, here in the foothills 
we have rain. I have a feeling somewhere some slingshot
is getting wound up to hit us with some really gorgous
summer weather, as soon as Mother nature is good and 
ready for it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




The least of learning is done in the classrooms.
--- Thomas Merton

The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught.
--- Marquis de Vauvenargues

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, 
but for real bona fide stupidity, 
there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.
-- Edward Abbey



An older couple had a son, who was still living at home.
They were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career, so they decided to do a
small test.

They took a ten dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table, then they hid in the
nearby closet, pretending they were not at home.

The father told his wife, "If our son takes the money,
he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be
a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid
our son will be a drunkard."

So, the couple waited nervously.  Peeping through the
keyhole they saw their son arrive.  He saw the note they
had left.  Then, he took the ten dollar bill, looked at it
against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flipped through it, to see if any
stashed money fell out, and tucked it under his arm.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an
appreciative sip to be assured of the quality.  Then he
left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "It's even worse
than I could ever have imagined.  Our son is going to be
a politician!"






From Lisa
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a
busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up
for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my
supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to
approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time
he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on
the phone.


Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.
The Chilean Puyehue volcano is not paying attention to the 
CO2 hype and looks really pretty in the evening light.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Sandra Uher, 54, in Elgin, Ill

Woman facing 6th DUI came to court drunk
An Elgin woman charged with DUI six times had her bail revoked 
this week after police say she came to court intoxicated.

Authorities say 54-year-old Sandra Uher had been free on 
$100,000 when she was taken into custody.

Uher's last DUI charge was in March, when she ran a stop 
sign at the corner of Shales Parkway and Summit Street in 
Elgin and crashed into another car. Police said her blood 
alcohol limit was nearly four times the legal limit, measuring 
at .30. After that conviction, Uher was released from jail after 
posting $10,000 of her $100,000 bond. But after her intoxicated 
court appearance, her bail was revoked. She still owes the 
remaining $90,000.

The Daily Herald reports she's been sent to Cermak Hospital at 
Cook County Jail for evaluation.

During her most recent DUI arrest in March, police say Uher failed 
a field sobriety test and had a preliminary blood-alcohol content of .30, 
nearly four times the legal limit for drivers.

She was also driving on a revoked license.

Uher has DUI convictions dating back to 1997. If convicted of the 
latest offense, she faces between six and 30 years in prison. 


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Mickey
Re: Spelling

Dear Webby
Two things.
I need that Causeway spelling joke again, that you used to
feature every second year or so. I need it and can't find it.

Second, while you are digging in your archives, you used to
have a nice little chart, that showed the boy scout alphabet
for spelling difficult to pronounce words over the phone.
Can you please show us the link to that again ?
Thanks
Mickey

Dear Mickey
The Morse Alphabet is at http://webby.com/alpha



The Caseway story follows a bit further down below.

Have FUN
DearWebby






The Ultimate Guide To Discus Fish 
Care, Breeding and Keeping Them Healthy
2nd Edition, with even more information!

By the way, did you know that "dirty" fish 
tank water is a very potent, natural fertilizer 
for your garden or balcony flower or herb 
boxes? Turbo Geraniums!

Boost your kitchen herbs like magic.




(This one you have to read out loud)

"Information? I need the number for Caseway Transport."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as
in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in
are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Buy Magazines Used at Garage Sales
I go to yard sales and garage sales and sometimes they have 
used magazines. I buy them for five to ten cents each. 
Sometimes they even give them away. They have really nice 
recipes and fresh ideas too. Cheap is good.

By Sue from Mt. Laurel, NJ
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A wife and husband both talked in their sleep.  She loved
auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled,  "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


The basketball coach stormed into the University President's office
and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more
than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with,"
the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example."
The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging
down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Three minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the University President,
scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."






 »  World University Rankings 

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---

What size hard drive should he add? 

Monday, June 6, 2011, 07:48 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, June 6

Happy Flag Day for the Swedes!

Today my Saskatoon berries popped their blossoms.

There are going to be plenty of berries, if each of those blossoms
turns into a 5-15 berry grape bunch.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
--- George Carlin

A television may insult your intelligence,
but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
--- Socratex



An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had
been married over 50 years, and they appeared still very
clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after
all the years you've been married, you still call your wife
those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,
he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."


Organic Tomato Magic


Handwriting Analysis
World Renowned Hypnotherapist To The Stars Steve G. Jones
Teaches You To Analyze Anyone Simply By 
Reading Their Handwriting.




Harry sent a quick email to his supervisor.  "Boss," he wrote,
"my mother-in-law is doing some heavy house-cleaning
tomorrow, and wants me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replied. "I can't give
you the day off."

After Harry printed his reply, he wrote back to him:
"Thanks, boss, I knew I could count on you!"





Click through the picture to the large version.


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Robert Shreeves, 40, of Princeton, Missouri

Busted for rafting down the river and having fun
in clear view of envious spoilsports
SIOUX CITY - A Missouri man was arrested Thursday for allegedly 
floating on a kiddie pool down the Missouri River.

Sioux City Police Sgt. Mike Post said Robert Shreeves, 40, was 
observed floating down the river at 9:54 p.m. on a small inflatable 
pool that was approximately six inches tall with two floats on the side. 
He said the raft was approximately 3.5 by 5.5 feet.

"The individual apparently launched this raft upcurrent and drifted 
down the river," Post said.

Shreeves, of Princeton, Mo., was arrested by the Sioux City Police 
Department when he docked at the boat ramp on Larsen Park Road 
for a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication.

An official with the Woodbury County Jail said Friday that Shreeves 
had been released for time served.

Authorities said Thursday night they had received numerous calls from 
people who observed a man floating down the river in a raft. One 
dispatcher said the people kept calling in because they thought 
he was having fun.

The Missouri River was at 28.34 feet on Thursday night, and there 
was no danger of getting hung up on a sand bar. Shreeves was not
in any danger and he did not endanger anybody else.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Vern
Re: What size hard drive next?

Dear Webby
My old computer still runs fine, but it's 20 GB hard drive
is getting too small. What size would you recommend?
vern

Dear Vern
You obviously have learned very good and highly
recommendable computer house-cleaning skills !
I would recommend that you keep the 20 GB drive, since
you must have it very well organized and tuned.

Just add an external 1 TB USB drive. That way you
don't have to re-install any software, and you will still
be able to do a virus scan or a defrag in the enviably
short time that you can do it now, and let it do the
house-keeping chores on the big drive while you
are sleeping.
Have FUN
DearWebby



Hyper Tufa? What is it?
Have you seen garden and yard containers and art work,
that looks like rock or concrete, but are extremely light in
weight?  That's Hyper Tufa.

This book shows you how to make all kinds of garden and
yard decorations and art work cheaply and easily. 

Make everything from artsy stepping stones to x-rated gnomes
and garden fairies. The Hyper Tufa book has all the info
you need. 




Bill told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a
lazy old fart."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the latin term so I can
tell my   wife."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Buy Magazines Used at Garage Sales
I go to yard sales and garage sales and sometimes they have 
used magazines. I buy them for five to ten cents each. 
Sometimes they even give them away. They have really nice 
recipes and fresh ideas too. Cheap is good.

By Sue from Mt. Laurel, NJ
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue,
brags before his congregation in his booming, bellowing voice:
"Two years ago I insured my voice at Lloyds of London
for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice
of an elderly woman is heard,
"So, what did you do with the money?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in
front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk
lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending
the contents crashing to the floor. 

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the 
clerk blurted to the customer. "That wasn't supposed to 
happen until you unloaded them at home!"






 »  Grande Dame 

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---

Extra Mouse Buttons 

Sunday, June 5, 2011, 10:24 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, June 5

I often hear: "I bet you use some fancy, super fast computer!"
Well, not fancy, but it IS fast. It is 4 years old, and was the 
cheapest I could get from DELL at the time. 

I just got a call from them today, reminding me, that the 
4 year warranty is running out, if I don't renew it.

Yes, it is old, but it runs circles around the office laptop,
a 2010 W7, and I am in no rush to put this machine out
to pasture. 

Quad Core machines with 12 GB RAM machines, ready for
Windows 8, have come down below $600. By Christmas
"old fashioned" W7 machines will be below $300.
I am quite confident, that tis machine will still be fine
till next year.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.
--- Benjamin Franklin

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
--- Sir Winston Churchill



Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to
thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy
got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said:
"I hope you don't start thinking. You would look weird
with a bald head !"


Apparently nobody is interested in old-fashioned tomatoes.
Just in case you are, I still have the link:
Organic Tomato Magic


Handwriting Analysis
World Renowned Hypnotherapist To The Stars Steve G. Jones
Teaches You To Analyze Anyone Simply By 
Reading Their Handwriting.




Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to 
lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. 
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And 
when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and 
fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."



Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.
We are overrun by rabbits
Lillemor

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Bank Of America in Collier County, Florida

Homeowner Forecloses On Bank
Collier County, Florida -- Have you heard the one about a 
homeowner foreclosing on a bank?

Well, it has happened in Florida and involves a North Carolina 
based bank.

Instead of Bank of America foreclosing on some Florida homeowner, 
the homeowners had sheriff's deputies foreclose on the bank.

It started five months ago when Bank of America filed foreclosure 
papers on the home of a couple, who didn't owe a dime on their 
home.

The couple said they paid cash for the house.

The case went to court and the homeowners were able to prove 
they didn't owe Bank of America anything on the house. In fact,
 it was proven that the couple never even had a mortgage bill to pay.

A Collier County Judge agreed and after the hearing, 
Bank of America was ordered, by the court to pay the legal fees 
of the homeowners', Maurenn Nyergers and her husband. 

The Judge said the bank wrongfully tried to foreclose on the 
Nyergers' house.

So, how did it end with bank being foreclosed on?  After more 
than 5 months of the judge's ruling, the bank still hadn't paid 
the legal fees, and the homeowner's attorney did exactly what 
the bank tried to do to the homeowners. He seized the bank's 
assets.

"They've ignored our calls, ignored our letters, legally this is 
the next step to get my clients compensated, " attorney 
Todd Allen told CBS.

Sheriff's deputies, movers, and the Nyergers' attorney went 
to the bank and foreclosed on it. The attorney gave instructions 
to to remove desks, computers, copiers, filing cabinets and 
any cash in the teller's drawers.

After about an hour of being locked out of the bank, the bank 
manager handed the attorney a check for the legal fees.
He still had to pay the movers to get their stuff back.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Dorothy
Re: Extra mouse buttons

Dear Webby
Another great Humor newsletter!  Thanks!
You mention the great mouse, which I have, and then,
"It has two extra buttons on the side. You can assign
hot-keys to those buttons. Here we assign the thumb-tip
button to CTRL C (Copy) and the thumb-ball button to
CTRL V (Paste)."

Exactly how do you "assign hot-keys" to those buttons?

I bet your other loyal readers would like to know, too.  
Thanks again for everything!
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy
Click on the "MyComputer" icon
Control Panel
Mouse

And there, if you have that mouse plugged in,
you will see all the buttons and pull-down choices
for assigning hot-keys.

With older versions of Windows you may have to run
the install CD that came with the mouse to be able to
see those extra mouse buttons in the mouse set-up.

Have FUN
DearWebby



Hyper Tufa? What is it?
Have you seen garden and yard containers and art work,
that looks like rock or concrete, but is extremely light in
weight?  That's Hyper Tufa.

This book shows you how to make all kinds of garden and
yard decorations and art work cheaply and easily. 

Make everything from artsy stepping stones to x-rated gnomes
and garden fairies. The Hyper Tufa book has all the info
you need. 




My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, 
named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors 
at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The 
neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. 

The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his 
wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix 
disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. 
Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. 
Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the 
street. 
"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I 
hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. 
We take him to Florida with us every winter."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Kitty Litter Bucket for Kitchen Compost
I always wanted to compost, a kitchen composter was easiest 
to start with but expensive. I noticed our kitty litter container 
(hard plastic) was a perfect size and has a lid and handle. 
It fits under the sink and has been working great.

By krisanthemum from Pataskala, OH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago 
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip 
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he
had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type
it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the
floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's
owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be 
enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the
money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry
I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to
put that mangy mutt out of his misery."






 »  Floral in Tacoma 

[ view entry ] ( 129 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.8 / 497 )

---

ElectroMagnetic Pollution 

Saturday, June 4, 2011, 11:31 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, June 4

Thank you Sharon!
Thank you Lillemor!
Thank you Sandie!
Thank you, Alfred!

The cold and wet and late spring sure loaded up the fields
and also my lawn, like a slingshot. One neighbor, a few houses
north from me, has a huge lawn front an back. When he finishs 
mowing in the back, he starts all over again in the front. Maybe
next year he won't fertilize it quite that much?

Mine is not that bad. For one thing, I don't fertilize the lawn, 
just to have to cut it that much more often. And I use a 26"
wide mower and set it quite low. I tuned up the engine for
more speed and torque, and added a spring to the drive
control bar. That makes it move faster and without me having
to push. Unless you make that modification,  you have to supply
half the forward push! Now it pulls me along quite smartly.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




There is no distinctly American criminal class
- except Congress.
--- Mark Twain



Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were
in divorce court. The judge asked,
"Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you
did not speak to Jill?"

Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge
inquires.

Phil replies, "Your Honor, my Ma told me not to interrupt
when a woman is speaking."


Apparently nobody is interested in old-fashioned tomatoes.
Just in case you are, I still have the link:
Organic Tomato Magic


Handwriting Analysis
World Renowned Hypnotherapist To The Stars Steve G. Jones
Teaches You To Analyze Anyone Simply By 
Reading Their Handwriting.




In the news....

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were
present."
-----------------------
"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."





Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Tina S. Gonzales, 33 in Naples, FL


Birthday party ends with a bite in the arm, not cake
An East Naples woman is accused of biting her neighbor in 
the arm and throwing cake at her head after an all day 
birthday celebration for her son took place on Monday.

Tina S. Gonzales, 33, of the 2900 block of Francis Avenue, 
was arrested Monday by Collier deputies at home on a 
felony charge of burglary with assault or battery. She 
also faces a disorderly intoxication charge.

According to a Collier County Sheriff’s Office report:

After several hours of drinking hard liquor and beer at 
her son’s birthday party, Gonzales decided to enter 
her neighbor’s apartment without permission. She 
was asked to leave numerous times.

Gonzales threw a piece of her son’s birthday cake, 
hitting her neighbor in the head. She then punched 
her on the side of the head, causing a small laceration. 
Gonzales pinned her on the ground, grabbed her 
hair and proceeded to bite her on the inside of the 
arm, leaving large bite marks.

Deputies said that the bite marks matched the teeth 
and gaps of Gonzales. Other subjects that were 
present either had no teeth at all or only a few.

Her neighbor stated that her and Gonzales had 
been having several disputes prior to the incident.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Marnia
Re: Electromagnetic pollution

Dear Webby
How serious are those concerns about "electromagnetic
radiation pollution"? My mother-in-law read some stuff
about it in some magazine and is all worried about it.
Marnia

Dear Marnia
It doesn't seem to affect everybody the same way. Most
people never notice it, but extraordinarily gullible persons
may think that something is affecting them and with some
coaching from fanatics may indeed worry themselves an
ulcer or whatever is fashionable in their circles.

I have worked for years in extremely high electromagnetic
environments like an aluminum smelter, major electric
power plants, and large welding shops, and I have outlived
a lot of doctors that I have known. While doctors usually
die from cancer, heart disease or mysterious ailments,
the people in those high electromagnetic environments
seem to die mostly of traffic accidents or old age.

However, once somebody believes in the danger of
electromagnetic radiation pollution, you can't reason
with them, and trying to use logic on them just makes
them hostile. Just humor them and play along.

Usually those people are so clueless that putting
plastic childproofers onto electrical outlets "to stop
the electric radiation from leaking out" will make them
feel better. In the mid 90's at the peak of the
electromagnetic radiation scare period, I sold a good
number of protective monitor screens.

They were just black metal mesh mosquito screens
made up for me by the local window glazing company.
I added a ground wire to them and a little alligator clip.
Those screens reduced the glare and reflection off the
monitor,and thereby reduced eye strain and headaches,
but the people who bought them swore their headaches
went away because they shielded them from electro-
magnetic radiation.

Have FUN
DearWebby



Hyper Tufa? What is it?
Have you seen garden and yard containers and art work,
that looks like rock or concrete, but is extremely light in
weight?  That's Hyper Tufa.

This book shows you how to make all kinds of garden and
yard decorations and art work cheaply and easily. 

Make everything from artsy stepping stones to x-rated gnomes
and garden fairies. The Hyper Tufa book has all the info
you need. 




A prospective juror was being questioned by the District Attorney
for a murder trial that had been in all the papers. 

"If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill 
him for his crime ?"

"Well, no." replied the man.  "But I could do it on Saturday, 
if that would be OK."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Kitty Litter Bucket for Kitchen Compost
I always wanted to compost, a kitchen composter was easiest 
to start with but expensive. I noticed our kitty litter container 
(hard plastic) was a perfect size and has a lid and handle. 
It fits under the sink and has been working great.

By krisanthemum from Pataskala, OH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Please keep in mind that the composting process produces
highly explosive methane. Methane is a nice fuel, when it is 
handled correctly, but fatal, if you let it sneak up on you.

Indoor composters absolutely need to be vented outside!

For example, a peatmoss composting toilet needs a vacuum 
cleaner hose for an outside vent, and never smells.
A kitchen garbage can size container needs a half inch hose
or pipe. There is no pressure involved, so you should not go
with a smaller hose. You simply need a flue for the explosive 
gases to get vented outside.

It is best to attach the hose to the lid, so that you can easily
haul the container outside, when it gets full or too heavy
to shake up. 

Yes, you HAVE to shake it up or turn it over once a day,
and occasionally add a handful of peat moss and a slice of
dry bread. Otherwise the stuff rots instead of composting.

If you spot mold or if it looks wet, add peat moss and 
turn it more frequently.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin 
blindfolded?

You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


From Donna
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting 
my hair permed, cut and styled.  

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay.  
"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully.  
"And who's your appointment with today?"

So I told her I had changed my mind, and left.






 »  Rolling Hills 

[ view entry ] ( 154 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 1048 )

---

Setting Eudora to retrieve Gmail 

Friday, June 3, 2011, 09:30 AM

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, June 3
Time to wear a bit of red to showyour support for the troops!




Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Americans will put up with anything provided
it doesn't block traffic.
--- Dan Rather

It's useless trying to hold a person to
anything s/he says while s/he's in
love, drunk or running for office.
--- Socratex



George ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better"
for his wife's birthday party.
Asked how he wanted the message arranged,
he said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at
the top and 'You are just getting better' at the
bottom."

It wasn't until the cake was uncovered at the
birthday party in front of all the invited guests
that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,

YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."


Apparently nobody is interested in old-fashioned tomatoes.
Just in case you are, I still have the link:
Organic Tomato Magic


Handwriting Analysis
World Renowned Hypnotherapist To The Stars Steve G. Jones
Teaches You To Analyze Anyone Simply By 
Reading Their Handwriting.




This one is apparently true:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization
for Women gathering, and at a reception/cocktail party
beforehand, his hostess naturally broached the subject in
which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"
she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in
somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple
question which everyone should answer with no trouble.
If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three
trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?'

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous
laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example,
would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."



Thanks to Glenda for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Douglas Ellison of Lee, NH

Carjacker claims to be from '5th dimension'

Wednesday, June 1, 2011
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. (AP) — A convicted felon who claimed he was 
from the 'fifth dimension' has been ordered held on $25,000 
cash bail for allegedly using a hammer during a carjacking 
and then leading police on a multi-town chase along Interstate 95.

Douglas Ellison of Lee was arraigned Tuesday in Portsmouth 
District Court on charges including receiving stolen property, 
driving while intoxicated and two counts of disobeying a 
police officer.

The Portsmouth Herald reports that in court, Ellison claimed 
he was from a place in the fifth dimension called "Atmaloke" 
and that he had a different name.

Police say he was on I-95 at about 2:30 p.m. Monday when 
a woman pulled over to ask if he needed help. He allegedly 
stole the woman's car. He was stopped when police flattened 
his tires.


From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Amy
Re: Problems setting Eudora to retrieve Gmail

Dear Webby,
I just downloaded the version of Eudora in your toolbox for 
reading my Gmail messages, but I am having trouble getting 
it to actually download my messages, do you have any tips 
on how I can get it set up right? 
Thanks!
Amy

Dear Amy
Set your Gmail to POP
follow the guidelines here:
Eudora and Gmail

There are illustrated step by step instructions there.
Have FUN
DearWebby



Hyper Tufa? What is it?
Have you seen garden and yard containers and art work,
that looks like rock or concrete, but is extremely light in
weight?  That's Hyper Tufa.

This book shows you how to make all kinds of garden and
yard decorations and art work cheaply and easily. 

Make everything from artsy stepping stones to x-rated gnomes
and garden fairies. The Hyper Tufa book has all the info
you need. 




Murphy's Law #14:
To err is human,
but to really foul things up
that requires a committee.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Soap When Sewing Canvas
Frying Pan Bird Bath

Being frugal pays off in so many ways. I could not throw my old frying pan, knowing I could find a use for it. I finally used it as a bird bath and a garden accent.

By Fe
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm 
sure they would like to take back: 
 
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk event: 
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning 
during her warm up and it was amazing." 
 
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely 
horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted 
her mother." 
 
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly 
unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to
the one in front of the similar one in back." 
 
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, 
especially my mother and father." 
 
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries 
and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really 
that serious." 
 
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should 
think we can expect the same thing again." 
 
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition 
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 
 
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: 
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president 
is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew." 
 
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is 
everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 
 
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons 
Arnie Palmer is playing so well, is that, before each 
final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses 
them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first 
examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:  "Is this a 
question?  Discuss."

After a short time he wrote:  "If that is a question, then this is an 
answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.






 »  Rolling Hills 

[ view entry ] ( 151 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.2 / 355 )

---

Substitute for CD drive 

Thursday, June 2, 2011, 09:09 AM
Posted by Administrator

   
Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, June 2

Dimitris from Atlantic inkjet sent me a help request, that he 
had received, that might quaify for a bonehead award.

"I have filled my toner with inkjet ink and tried printing but only 
got blanks. I realised i should have used toner after what happened. 
Has this damaged my printer? what should i do now? i emptied the 
ink and left the toner out to dry.. 
Please let me know if my printer and toner are damaged?"
 
I doubt that any of you would squirt liquid bulk ink into a 
toner cartridge, but just in case you might be confused, 
never mix liquid ink and dry toner. That person ruined that 
cartridge, and mostlikely also the printer.

With Laser pinters your cost per page is 1/3 to 1/5 compared
to inkjet printers, but refilling laser toner cartridges is not just
a matter of dumping more toner into the cartridge. You also 
have to replace the extrortion chip, that the printer expects.
Without that chip, the printer won't "recognize" the cartridge.

The little chip probably costs about 49 cents to produce, but
IBM, HP, DELL, etc. who own the chip plants in China, want 
to make a certain amount per cartridge. Expect to pay around 
$10 per chip.

Personally, I just order ready to use cartridges from 
Atlantic inkjet .com, and let
them match colors and chips. The price is about the same anyway.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the server cost 

please donate what you can!




Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one 
kind of labor by taking up another.
--- Anatole France

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats,
for they are subtle and will pee on your keyboard."
--- Socratex



"Hello?" A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was
probably a wrong number and I was fed up with wrong number
calls. There always eem to be more during times of full moon.


"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end...a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong
number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to
call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago,
and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean...who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave
a message for Ben?"
"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear
her temper flaring.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you
were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice
called him and the she's Very Upset and that I would
Like Him to Call Me as Soon As He Gets Home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like
this..."
" Click "


Apparently nobody is interested in old-fashioned tomatoes.
Just in case you are, I still hae the link:
Organic Tomato Magic


Handwriting Analysis
World Renowned Hypnotherapist To The Stars Steve G. Jones
Teaches You To Analyze Anyone Simply By 
Reading Their Handwriting.




Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark,
ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."



Thanks to Sandie for this picture:


Click through the picture to the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Steven Long, 23, in South Daytona, Florida



Burglar carries 59" TV on bicycle
SOUTH DAYTONA, Fla., June 1 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they 
arrested a suspected burglar spotted carrying a 59-inch TV 
between his lap and the handlebars of his bicycle.

Investigators said Steven Long, 23, was seen carrying the 
television set on his bike at about 4:20 a.m. Sunday in South 
Daytona and he fled when he spotted the officers, the Orlando 
(Fla.) Sentinel reported Wednesday.

Long, who police said eventually abandoned the bike and the 
TV to flee on foot, was caught in a back yard and placed 
under arrest.

Residents of a nearby home identified the television as 
having been stolen along with other items by someone who 
pried open the side door to their garage.

Police said the property was returned to the residents, 
but the TV, worth more than $2,000, was damaged 
beyond repair.

Long told officers the TV had been given to him by a 
friend to settle a debt but investigators said the story 
did not check out and he was charged with burglary 
of an occupied dwelling and felony theft.



From the Tech Support Pits:

From: Sharon
Re: Substitute for CD drive

Dear Webby,
Dear Webby, 
I love your jokes today. Especially the bike riding because 
my granddaughter & her other grandmother have been riding 
their bikes & the plumber because of out local town plumber. 

His final comments on his answering machine message is 
"remember a flush is better than a full house". He is a 
character anyway.

I have been having trouble getting my cd+rw drive to work. 
It won't open so I can transfer pics to it. I know the disks 
are fine because I have checked them out in the cd drive. 
I finally sent the pics by email to a friend who transferred 
them off to disk for me. 
1) Is it possible that doing a system restore could help? 
It worked fine in Apr the last time I transferred off some 
pics but not in May when I tried again. 

2) My pics are on cdrw disks that say 700Mb. If I should 
buy flash drives that are 4 Gb(?) how may disks approximately 
would fit on each flash? How hard is it to put them on flash drives?

I am so happy that you are getting your strength back & able 
to get out & about. Thanks for taking time to share w/ us even 
when you were under the weather.

Dear Sharon
All CD drives do fail sooner or later.

A 4 GB SD chip holds almost 6 times as much as a CD.
You can also use the cheap 2 GB chips. They are compatible 
with more different devices than the 4 GB chips.

You just drag the files to the chip, as if it was another folder 
on the computer. No burning or finalizing required.

Befoer you switch over to SD chips, get a suitable cookie tin
to store them in. They don't really need a lot of protection,
but because they are small, they tend to get lost easily, 
if you don't have a designated place for them.

Have FUN
DearWebby



Hyper Tufa? What is it?
Have you seen garden and yard containers and art work,
that looks like rock or concrete, but is extremely light in
weight?  That's Hyper Tufa.

This book shows you how to make all kinds of garden and
yard decorations and art work cheaply and easily. 

Make everything from artsy stepping stones to x-rated gnomes
and garden fairies. The Hyper Tufa book has all the info
you need. 




For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long
last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the
most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being -- a being who will regard
one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are
hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she
nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great
idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Soap When Sewing Canvas
Sewing heavy materials like canvas can be as hard on the 
needle as it is on your hands. If, however, you rub the fabric
 well with soap before you stitch, the job will be a lot more 
 comfortable and the needle will slip through the cloth 
 without nearly so much danger of breaking.

Source: Farmer's Almanac

By duckie-do from Cortez, CO

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father,
"I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.
But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD
player.

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


I attended an oil exec convention once. The first speaker
was from Texas.  He rambled on for a good half hour and
then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from
Oklahoma.  The Texas man said,
"Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."

The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but,
just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that
can out-lie Texas."






 »  Peppermint 

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