Scratchy sound from Notebook 

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 28

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Connecticut woman charged with DUI 
was drunk on vanilla extract

Today, January 28 in
1999 Ford Motor Company announced the purchase of Sweden's Volvo
AB for $6.45 billion. They later sold it to China.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Every crowd has a silver lining. --- Phineas Taylor Barnum (1810 - 1891) There is no kind of dishonesty into which otherwise good people more easily and frequently fall than that of defrauding the government. --- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790) ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Anni announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Anni said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on our honeymoon." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Linda for this: I've had 2 Bypass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! ______________________________________________________ Wood Sandpiper. Photo by Abdul Momin _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stefanie Warner-Grise, 50, New Canaan, Connecticut Connecticut woman charged with DUI was drunk on vanilla extract A Connecticut woman charged with driving under the influence was drunk on vanilla extract, which contains a significant amount of alcohol, police said. Hearst Connecticut Media reports that New Canaan police found 50- year-old Stefanie Warner-Grise sitting in a car at an intersection with her eyes closed at about 4:45 p.m. Wednesday. Officers say they found several bottles of pure vanilla extract inside her vehicle. They say they detected an odor of vanilla on her breath, her speech was slurred and she was unable to answer basic questions. Police say she was arrested after failing filed sobriety tests. Warner-Grise was released on a promise to appear in court. No lawyer was listed for her in online court records.
From: Elvira Re: Scratchy sound from notebook Dear DearWebby, Music on my notebook sounds really scratchy. I tried WinAmp and other programs with graphic equalizers, but nothing helps. Do you have any advice? Elvira Dear Ann Dear Elvira You can't expect the lower harmonics from those shirt button size squeakers. If you want decent music, you have two choices: get yourself some good earphones, or a cable from the speaker output on the notebook to your home stereo or a portable boom box. Spring cleaning season and garage sales will start soon. You should be able to find a boom box with big speakers for a bargain price. Amplified by the boom box and projected from big speakers, even the tinniest notebook will sound fantastic. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "! Does she cook???" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Friends of the Library Books Sales A great way to support your local library and find good deals on books is to go to library book sales. Most libraries have them multiple times each year and the prices are very reasonable. Plus, the money goes back into the library to support buying new books or community resources. ____________________________________________________
Colossal snowshoe art that only lasts for a little while.
___________________________________________________ A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now." A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes. "Wait a minute!," said the writer, "This is just as bad as hell." "Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published." ___________________________________________________ A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU If GH stands for F as in Rough If O stands for I as in Women If TION stands for SH as in Solution Then the right way to spell FISH should be GHOTION ___________________________________________________

Today January 28 in
1521 The Diet of Worms began, at which Protestant reformer Luther
was declared an outlaw by the Roman Catholic church. 

1547 England's King Henry VIII died. He was succeeded by his 9
year-old son, Edward VI. 

1788 The first British penal settlement was founded at Botany

1807 London's Pall Mall became the first street lit by gaslight. 

1871 France surrendered in the Franco-Prussian War. 

1878 The first telephone switchboard was installed in New Haven,

1878 "The Yale News" was published for the first time. It was the
first, daily, collegiate newspaper in the U.S. 

1902 The Carnegie Institution was established in Washington, DC.
It began with a gift of $10 million from Andrew Carnegie. 

1909 The United States ended direct control over Cuba. 

1915 The Coast Guard was created by an act of the U.S. Congress
to fight contraband trade and aid distressed vessels at sea. 

1916 Louis D. Brandeis was appointed by President Wilson to the
U.S. Supreme Court, becoming its first Jewish member. 

1918 The Bolsheviks occupied Helsinki, Finland. 

1922 The National Football League (NFL) franchise in Decatur, IL,
transferred to Chicago. The team took the name Chicago Bears. 

1935 Iceland became the first country to introduce legalized

1945 During World War II, Allied supplies began reaching China
over the newly reopened Burma Road. 

1957 The Brooklyn Dodgers announced that circus clown Emmett
Kelly had been hired to entertain fans at baseball games. 

1958 Construction began on first private thorium-uranium nuclear

1965 General Motors reported the biggest profit of any U.S.
company in history. 

1980 Six Americans who had fled the U.S. embassy in Tehran, Iran,
on November 4, 1979, left Iran using false Canadian diplomatic
passports. The Americans had been hidden at the Canadian embassy
in Tehran. 

1982 Italian anti-terrorism forces rescued U.S. Brigadier General
James L. Dozier. 42 days before he had been kidnapped by the Red

1986 The U.S. space shuttle Challenger exploded just after
takeoff. All seven of its crewmembers were killed. 

1994 In Los Angeles, Superior Court Judge Stanley Weisberg
declared a mistrial in the case of Lyle Menendez in the murder of
his parents. Lyle, and his brother Erik, were both retried later
and were found guilty. They were sentenced to life in prison
without parole. 

1998 In Manilla, Philippines, gunmen held at least 400 children
and teachers for several hours at an elementary school. 

1999 Ford Motor Company announced the purchase of Sweden's Volvo
AB for $6.45 billion. They later sold it to China.

2002 Toys R Us Inc. announced that it would be closing 27 Toys R
Us stores and 37 Kids R Us stores in order to cut costs and boost
operating profits.

2019  smiled.

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Slow first link 

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, January 27

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Fighting deputies over ticket results
in arrests and jail

Today, January 27 in
1998 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton appeared on NBC's
"Today" show. She charged that the allegations against her
husband were the work of a "vast right-wing conspiracy." 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) Excellence is not an act, it is a habit. --- Aristotle ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ GROAN ALERT! I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Francheska Turull, 37, Jessie Hernandez, 39, Duewayne Dixon,26, West Park, Fort Lauderdale, Florida Fighting deputies over ticket results in arrests and jail Three family members who were arrested after a scuffle with Broward Sheriff’s Office deputies, sparked by a traffic stop of an all-terrain vehicle rider in West Park, appeared in bond court to face some serious charges. Twenty-six-year-old Duewayne Dixon faced Broward Circuit Judge Joseph A. Murphy III, Monday. He was joined in bond court by his sister, 37-year-old Francheska Turull, and her husband, 39-year- old Jessie Hernandez. According to officials, it all started when deputies pulled over Dixon along the 3100 block of Southwest 40th Avenue after he was spotted riding his ATV illegally, Sunday afternoon. Investigators said they were just going to give Dixon a citation. Then things got out of hand. At around 3:20 p.m., Hernandez and Turull arrived at the scene and engaged in a verbal altercation with deputies. Neighbors said the couple are Dixon’s sister and her husband. Cellphone video captured the escalating chain of events, as the argument gave way to physical violence. Before the tense takedown, deputies told the couple this was just going to be a citation for the rider. “It’s not a big deal. He’s going to get a ticket, bike’s going to be towed, and he will be able to come back,” said a deputy. But shortly after, the deputy is seen telling Hernandez to back up behind a sidewalk line several times. “I’m telling you, do not come any closer,” a deputy is heard telling Hernandez, who is himself recording the confrontation on his smartphone. “On the sidewalk? Which one? I want to know which line on the sidewalk I can’t cross,” said Hernandez as he walked closer to the deputy. “This line right here. If you cross it, you’re going to jail,” said the deputy as he pointed to a line. “This one right here?” said Hernandez as he touched the line with his right foot. The deputy is then seen grabbing Hernandez, who tries to wrestle free, causing the deputy to trip. Two other deputies then grabbed the suspect. Turull is then seen coming into the frame and tussling with the deputy who had fallen down. Moments later, the deputy is seen striking her. “Why are you punching her?” a woman is heard yelling off screen at least three times. The deputy is seen in the footage hitting Turull repeatedly, even after she fell. The same deputy is then seen placing her under arrest, as three deputies are seen holding down Hernandez. Meanwhile, Dixon is seen calmly sitting in handcuffs next to his vehicle, several feet away from his brother-in-law. Witnesses said what started as a traffic stop spiraled out of control. “They shouldn’t have gone to jail. For what reason?” said an area resident. “Because they were coming down here to see what was going on with their family member, and that escalated to a whole different thing. Now, three people went to jail for no reason.” Hernandez and Turull were charged with battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting an officer with violence. Turull is facing an additional charge of assault on a law enforcement officer. Dixon was charged with resisting an officer with violence and illegally operating an off-road vehicle. The arrests went down as hundreds of riders continued to take over South Florida roadways as part of the annual “Wheels Up, Guns Down” protest. Authorities indicated last week that they would crack down on these holiday weekend activities, stressing that those riding off-road vehicles on public roads risk arrest and having their vehicles confiscated. According to the arrest report, the deputy seen hitting Turull admitted to striking her but only after he said she struck him first several times while he was trying to take her into custody. Turull, Hernandez and Dixon were being held at the Broward County Jail on a $1,000 bond. They bonded out Monday night.
From: Ann Re: Slow first link Dear DearWebby, I need to pick your awesome brain again....When I click on a link - such as the breast cancer or cup of food sites on your ezine the initial click takes about 2 mins to connect to the site.. then the others are easy- this happens on any site not just yours.... any idea what's going on and how I can fix it ????? Haven't a clue or even where to look for this one. Thanks and thanks as always... Ann Dear Ann That is just Telus, your ISP, turning down your speed when you are not busy browsing. The first link you go to is slow, after that they crank your speed up closer to what you are paying for, Yelling at them does no good, they just have a bunch of lame excuses, and do it anyway. They even do it with expensive business accounts. Not all, but many ISPs do that nowadays. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" "It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Tina for this classic: Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. >From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Get an Estimate for Car Repairs A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!" ____________________________________________________
Enjoy a wee day out in Scotland.
___________________________________________________ There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the washroom. "Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet." They boy says the alphabet: "a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z." "What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher. "It's leaking out of my boots now." ___________________________________________________ Jim: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?" Joe: "I ate some Easter candy." Jim: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise." Joe: "It will if it's your sister's candy!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A stingy old man who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness is determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old miser finally decides how to take at least some of his money with him when he goes. He instructs his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then he tells her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. He tells her that when he goes, he'll just reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the widow is up in the attic cleaning and comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaims. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." ___________________________________________________

Today January 27 in
1606 The trial of Guy Fawkes and his fellow conspirators began.
They were executed on January 31. 

1880 Thomas Edison patented the electric incandescent lamp. 

1888 The National Geographic Society was founded in Washington,

1900 In China, foreign diplomats in Peking, fearing a revolt,
demanded that the imperial government discipline the Boxer

1926 John Baird, a Scottish inventor, demonstrated a pictorial
transmission machine called television. 

1943 During World War II, the first all American air raid against
Germany took place when about 50 bombers attacked Wilhlemshaven. 

1944 The Soviet Union announced that the two year German siege of
Leningrad had come to an end. 

1945 Soviet troops liberated the Nazi concentration camps
Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland. 

1948 Wire Recording Corporation of America announced the first
magnetic tape recorder. The ‘Wireway’ machine with a built-in
oscillator sold for $149.50. 

1951 In the U.S., atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an
Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flats. 

1967 At Cape Kennedy, FL, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom,
Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during
a test aboard their Apollo I spacecraft. Oxygen enriched
atmosphere makes every combustibe item a fire hazad.

1967 More than 60 nations signed the Outer Space Treaty which
banned the orbiting of nuclear weapons and placing weapons on
celestial bodies or space stations. 

1973 The Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris. 

1977 The Vatican reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's ban on
female priests. 

1981 U.S. President Reagan greeted the 52 former American
hostages released by Iran at the White House. 

1984 Wayne Gretzky set a National Hockey League (NHL) record for
consecutive game scoring. He ended the streak at 51 games. 

1985 The Coca-Cola Company, of Atlanta, GA, announced a plan to
sell its soft drinks in the Soviet Union. 

1992 Former world boxing champion Mike Tyson went on trial for
allegedly raping an 18-year-old contestant in the 1991 Miss Black
America Contest. 

1996 Mahamane Ousmane, the first democratically elected president
of Niger, was overthrown by a military coup. Colonel Ibrahim Bare
Mainassara declared himself head of state. 

1997 It was revealed that French national museums were holding
nearly 2,000 works of art stolen from Jews by the Nazis during
World War II. 

1998 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton appeared on NBC's
"Today" show. She charged that the allegations against her
husband were the work of a "vast right-wing conspiracy." 

1999 The U.S. Senate blocked dismissal of the impeachment case
against President Clinton and voted for new testimony from Monica
Lewinsky and two other witnesses. 

2002 A series of explosions occurred at a military dump in Lagos,
Nigeria. More than 1,000 people were killed in the blast and in
the attempt to escape. 

2003 Altria Group, Inc. became the name of the parent company of
Kraft Foods, Philip Morris USA, Philip Morris International and
Philip Morris Capital Corporation. 

2010 Steve Jobs unveiled the Apple iPad.

2019  smiled.

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Partial Mails 

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 26

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Crack and BJ in intersection

Today, January 26 in
1994 In Sydney, Australia, a young man lunged at and fired two
blank shots at Britain's Prince Charles. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "aye Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Grant I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Freedom Ryder Zobrist, 38, Escambia, Florida Florida woman busted for dancing naked outside waffle house, licking man's face A half-naked Florida Woman was arrested early Monday after she pulled down her pants and began dancing around in the parking lot of a Waffle House in Pensacola. Before her performance ended, cops report, Freedom Ryder Zobrist, 38, sought to grab the genitals of a restaurant manager before licking the man on both sides of his face. When Zobrist was first asked to leave the Waffle House property, she became verbally abusive and allegedly threatened to “retrieve a firearm” and shoot workers and restaurant patrons. Pictured above, Zobrist declined to answer police questions. Cops reported that witnesses told them Zobrist had “pulled down her pants exposing her sexual organs and started dancing around the parking lot.” Zobrist was charged with multiple crimes, including assault and lewd and indecent exposure. She is being held in the Escambia County jail in lieu of $800 bond. Upon Zobrist’s release from custody, a judge has ordered her to stay away from Waffle House and barred her from using alcohol and unprescribed drugs.
From: Duane Re: Partial mails Dear DearWebby, I am not getting the body of the articles. I am only getting what you see below. I was getting everything and then all of a sudden this happens. Do you have any suggestions?? Thanks, Duane Dear Duane Your subject line was: Subject: Re: {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} {Disarmed} Humor: That makes it very clear that the problem is your mis-configured spam control. Try using a better spam control, like for example MailWasher. I have used it since it was in Beta testing in the mid 90's,and it has never screwed up like that. Since I use the same email addresses since the early 90's, my addresses are on every single spammer's CD and get an awful lot of spam. I don't care. MailWasher nukes it all on the server, does not even list it. It recognizes spam and quietly lets it fly down to hell. It is really easy to make filters, both good and bad filters to protect good mail, no matter what is in it, and to nuke bad mail. Making filters actually becomes a fun game to outsmart the spammers. And with MailWasher, you always win. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Wendy for these: Insane Animal Laws In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m. in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 p.m. in Essex Falls, New Jersey, are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces -- the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Get an Estimate for Car Repairs Always get an estimate in writing before having repair work done on your car. Once the repairs are done, only pay for the repairs that you authorized. Pay with a credit card so you can reverse the charge if there is a problem with the work that the repair shop won't remedy. ____________________________________________________
My distant cousin Johnny Cash.
___________________________________________________ There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother, 2. He liked Gospel, 3. He didn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His father's business, 2. He lived at home until he was 33, 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands, 2. He had wine with His meals, 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair, 2. He walked around barefoot all the time, 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature, 2. He ate a lot of fish, 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married, 2. He was always telling stories, 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food, 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do! ___________________________________________________ Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read an on-line article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Anni stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book." ___________________________________________________

Today January 26 in
1500 Vicente Yáñez Pinzón discovered Brazil. 

1736 Stanislaus I formally abdicated as King of Poland. 

1784 In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin expressed
unhappiness over the eagle as the symbol of America. He wanted
the symbol to be the turkey. 

1788 The first European settlers in Australia, led by Captain
Arthur Phillip, landed in what became known as Sydney. The group
had first settled at Botany Bay eight days before. This day is
celebrated as Australia Day. 

1827 Peru seceded from Colombia in protest against Simón
Bolívar's alleged tyranny. 

1841 Britain formally occupied Hong Kong, which the Chinese had
ceded to the British. 

1875 George F. Green patented the electric dental drill for
sawing, filing, dressing and polishing teeth. 

1905 The Cullinan diamond, at 3,106.75 carats, was found by
Captain Wells at the Premier Mine, near Pretoria, South Africa. 

1911 Inventor Glenn H. Curtiss flew the first successful

1939 In the Spanish Civil War, Franco's forces, with Italian aid,
took Barcelona. 

1942 The first American expeditionary force to go to Europe
during World War II went ashore in Northern Ireland. 

1950 India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra
Prasad took the oath of office as president. 

1950 The American Associated Insurance Companies, of St. Louis,
MO, issued the first baby sitter’s insurance policy. 

1959 "Alcoa Presents" debuted on ABC-TV. The show would later be
renamed "One Step Beyond". 

1961 U.S. President John F. Kennedy appointed Dr. Janet G.
Travell as the first woman to be the "personal physician to the

1962 The U.S. launched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments on
the moon. The probe missed its target by about 22,000 miles. 

1965 Hindi was made the official language of India. 

1969 California was declared a disaster area after two days of
flooding and mudslides. 

1972 In Hermsdorf, Czechoslovakia, a JAT Yugoslav Airlines flight
crashed after the detonation of a bomb in the forward cargo hold
killing 27 people. The bomb was believed to have been placed on
the plane by a Croatian extremist group. Vesna Vulovic, a
stewardess, survived after falling 33,000 feet in the tail
section. She broke both legs and became paralyzed from the waist

1979 The ‘Gizmo’ guitar synthesizer was first demonstrated. 

1992 Russian president Boris Yeltsin announced that his country
would stop targeting U.S. cities with nuclear weapons. 

1993 Former Czechoslovak President Vaclav Havel was elected
president of the new Czech Republic. 

1994 In Sydney, Australia, a young man lunged at and fired two
blank shots at Britain's Prince Charles. 

1996 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a
grand jury concerning the Whitewater probe. 

1998 U.S. President Clinton denied having an affair with a former
White House intern, saying "I did not have sexual relations with
that woman, Miss Lewinsky." 

1999 Saddam Hussein vowed revenge against the U.S. in response to
air-strikes that reportedly killed civilians. The strikes were
U.S. planes defending themselves against anti-aircraft fire. 

2009 The Icelandic government and banking system collapsed. Prime
Minister Geir Haarde resigned. 

2010 It was announced that James Cameron's movie "Avatar" had
become the highest-grossing film worldwide. 

2019  smiled.

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Microscope extension tube for digital camera 

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, January 25
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Crack and BJ in intersection

Today, January 25 in
1533 England's King Henry VIII secretly married his second 
wife Anne Boleyn. Boleyn later gave birth to Elizabeth I. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech. --- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965) I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sr Anna for this story: Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said yo the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!' _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement on the net were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Michael Douville, 51, Manchester, New Hampshire Crack and BJ in intersection -While stopped at a red light Tuesday afternoon, a New Hampshire motorist was living his best life, smoking crack cocaine and being fellated by a woman in the passenger seat, police report. Manchester Police Department detectives spotted Michael Douville, 51, behind the wheel of a Chrysler 300 stopped at an intersection. Douville, a Nashua resident, was engaged in...illegal acts at the time, cops allege. When two detectives approached the vehicle and identified themselves, Douville sped off. He was subsequently apprehended by a third cop. His passenger, however, fled the area and was not located, investigators say. Seen above, Douville was arrested on several charges, including lewdness, narcotics possession, and disobeying a police officer.
From: Bezon Re: Tube for Microscope Dear DearWebby, You mentioned the need for a tube between microscope and camera, but did not tell us how long that has to be. Bezon Dear Bezon Just hold the camera so that it looks into the microscope. Move it up and down until you see a clean picture on the camera. That distance is probably from 3/4 inch to 2 inches, depending on your microscope. Ideal is of course a camera, that lets you connect to the computer and view on the monitor what the picture looks like. You don't have to be perfect with the extension tube since you can raise or lower the ocular (eye piece) with the fine adjustment on the microscope. Once you get a clear picture of a sugar crystal, try it with a small drop of blood, like you get when poking your finger for a diabetic lucose test. The picture you will see on the monitor will probably freak you out. It looks like some aliencreatures having a space war. Yep, that's what is going on in your blood! If you see that, then you got the tube exactly right. You might also want to make a cradle with coat hanger wire, so that you can just lay the camera into the cradle and it is looking straight into the ocular. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the sentencing he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Warning About Storing Garlic Cloves In Oil Botulism can develop when garlic is stored oil, especially if it is stored at room temperature. The garlic and oil should be used immediately or stored in the refrigerator for no more than a week. ____________________________________________________
The shirk report for the weekend.
___________________________________________________ When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied." ___________________________________________________ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ___________________________________________________

Today January 25 in
1504 The English Parliament passed statutes against retainers and
liveries to curb private warfare. 

1533 England's King Henry VIII secretly married his second wife
Anne Boleyn. Boleyn later gave birth to Elizabeth I. 

1579 The Treaty of Utrecht was signed marking the beginning of
the Dutch Republic. 

1799 Eliakim Spooner patented the seeding machine. 

1858 Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" was presented for the first
time at the wedding of the daughter of Queen Victoria and the
Crown Prince of Prussia. 

1870 G.D. Dows patented the ornamental soda fountain. 

1881 Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell and others signed an
agreement to organize the Oriental Telephone Company. 

1890 The United Mine Workers of America was founded. 

1915 In New York, Alexander Graham Bell spoke to his assistant in
San Francisco, inaugurating the first transcontinental telephone

1924 The 1st Winter Olympic Games were inaugurated in Chamonix in
the French Alps. 

1946 The United Mine Workers rejoined the American Federation of

1959 In the U.S., American Airlines had the first scheduled
transcontinental flight of a Boeing 707. 

1961 John F. Kennedy presented the first live presidential news
conference from Washington, DC. The event was carried on radio
and television. 

1964 Nike was founded. The company was originally named Blue
Ribbon Sports. 

1971 Maj. Gen. Idi Amin led a coup that deposed Milton Obote and
became president of Uganda. 

1999 In Louisville, KY, a man received the first hand transplant
in the United States. 

2011 A revolution began in Egypt with the demonstrations that
demanded the end of President Hosni Mubarak's rule. 

2019  smiled.

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From Microscope to camera 

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, January 24

No Gullible Warming at Niagara Falls!
Niagara Falls frozen

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Florida man went to beat, pepper-sprayed 
his mother ‘because she is a narcissist'

Today, January 24 in
1980 The United States announced intentions to sell
arms to China. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. --- Peter Ustinov Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. --­ Franklin P. Jones ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Lillemor KFC UPDATE ! Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose in an upcoming issue? Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic? And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs? Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken sh**. Just keeping you up to date. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Ed My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof. The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?" ______________________________________________________ Hoggar National Park, Assekrem, Tamanrasset, Algeria. Photo by AMRI MOHAMMED _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Robert Eddington, 24, Volusia County, Florida Florida man went to beat, pepper-sprayed his mother ‘because she is a narcissist' A 24-year-old Florida man told police that he beat his mom, pepper-sprayed her and tried to zip tie her hands “because she was a narcissist.” Robert Eddington’s mother said that when she invited him over for lunch on Monday he showed up to her home in Volusia County with a knife, pepper spray and a zip tie. Police said Eddington then attacked his mother, leaving her seriously injured. During the attack, Eddington allegedly punched her in the head, slammed her head into a window and pepper- sprayed her in the face. Pictures of the victim show her eyes swollen shut, missing teeth and a head injury. Eddington told police it was “because she needed to be roughed up enough for the police to be called.” Eddington’s mother said her son is bipolar and has not been taking his medicine. A judge on Tuesday ordered Eddington held without bond until further notice.
From: Brant Re: Camera to Microscope Dear DearWebby, I want to connect a camera to a microscope. What do I need to know and watch out for ? Thanks Brant Dear Brant First you have to realize that you got a HUGE amount of magnification between the tiny ocular (the lens closest to the eye) and the monitor. Don't go for an expensive microscope with a very high magnification number. Go for one with a wider field of view. The second thing to watch out for is lighting. Sure, electronic cameras go very far into the dark infrared, but picture quality deteriorates. Usualy, the more light you have, the better picture you get. Chose a microscope that allows both through-light and reflected light or a combination of the two. Generally, the more room you have to adapt and improvise with the lighting, the better. And finally, you need an adapter tube between the microscope and the camera. Hold the camera by hand and find the ideal distance. Cut some black plastic pipe to that length with a pipe cutter. Do NOT use a hacksaw! Dull the pipe inside and out with very fine sandpaper, then clean it thoroughly with a damp or wet rag. Clean the lenses perfectly clean with damp lenscloth. Do a VERY good job on that, because it is the last time you will ever have to do that. Assemble the microscope, tube and camera and hold them together with a rubber band. Test it. If everyting works OK, use some hotmelt glue or silicone to permanently attach the tube to the microscope and the camera. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar. Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" "Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednesday." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Programmable Thermostat Program your thermostat to keep your home to a lower or higher (for air conditioning) temperature when you are not home or sleeping. If your home doesn't have a thermostat with these capabilities, buy one for less than $50 at your local hardware store and they are relatively easy to install. ____________________________________________________
Lovely murals.
___________________________________________________ A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident. First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive." Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us." Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other. Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that." To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!" ___________________________________________________ The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent. "Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." ___________________________________________________

Today January 24 in
1848 James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill
in northern California. The discovery led to the gold rush of

1899 Humphrey O’Sullivan patented the rubber heel. 

1908 In England, the first Boy Scout troop was organized by
Robert Baden-Powell. 

1916 Conscription was introduced in Britain. 

1922 Christian K. Nelson patented the Eskimo Pie. 

1924 The Russian city of St. Petersburg was renamed Leningrad.
The name has since been changed back to St. Petersburg. 

1930 Primo Carnera made his American boxing debut by knocking out
Big Boy Patterson in one minute, ten seconds of the opening

1935 Krueger Brewing Company placed the first canned beer on sale
in Richmond, VA. 

1943 U.S. President Roosevelt and British Prime Minister
Churchill concluded a wartime conference in Casablanca, Morocco. 

1952 Vincent Massey was the first Canadian to be appointed
governor-general of Canada. 

1955 The rules committee of major league baseball announced a
plan to strictly enforce the rule that required a pitcher to
release the ball within 20 seconds after taking his position on
the mound. 

1972 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws that denied welfare
benefits to people who had resided in a state for less than a

1978 A nuclear-powered Soviet satellite plunged through Earth's
atmosphere and disintegrated. The radioactive debris was
scattered over parts of Canada's Northwest Territory. 

1980 The United States announced intentions to sell arms to

1985 Penny Harrington became the first woman police chief of a
major city. She assumed the duties as head of the Portland,
Oregon, force of 940 officers and staff. 

1986 The Voyager 2 space probe flew past Uranus. The probe came
within 50,679 miles of the seventh planet of the solar system. 

1987 In Lebanon, gunmen kidnapped educators Alann Steen, Jesse
Turner, Robert Polhill and Mitheleshwar Singh. They were all
later released. 

1989 Ted Bundy, the confessed serial killer, was put to death in
Florida's electric chair for the 1978 kidnap-murder of 12-year-
old Kimberly Leach. 

1990 Japan launched the first probe to be sent to the Moon since
1976. A small satellite was placed in lunar orbit. 

1995 The prosecution gave its opening statement at the O.J.
Simpson murder trial. 

1996 Polish Premier Jozef Oleksy resigned due to allegations that
he had spied for Moscow. 

2000 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a Missouri law that limited
the contributions that individuals could donate to a candidate
during a single election. 

2001 In Colorado Springs, CO, Patrick Murphy Jr. and Donald
Newbury were taken into custody after a 5-minute phone interview
was granted with a TV station. They were the remaining fugitives
of the "Texas 7." 

2002 The U.S. Congress began a hearing on the collapse of Enron

2002 John Walker Lindh appeared in court for the first time
concerning the charges that he conspired to kill Americans abroad
and aided terrorist groups. Lindh had been taken into custody by
U.S. Marines in Afghanistan. 

2003 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security began operations
under Tom Ridge.

2019  smiled.

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Open Office versus Office Libre 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 23

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Florida man arrested after baby overdoses 
on heroin and Xanax

Today, January 23 in
1950 The Israeli Knesset approved a resolution proclaiming
Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. --- John Ruskin (1819 - 1900) "You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." --- Olin Miller I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. --- Confucius ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?' _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened. Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?" "Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?" ______________________________________________________ Franz Josef Land and Eira Lodge, left over from Benjamin Leigh Smith‘s expedition to what is now the Russian Arctic National Park _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Christopher Hartley, 33, Boynton Beach, Florida Florida man arrested after baby overdoses on heroin and Xanax A South Florida man was arrested for child neglect after an 11- month-old child ingested his heroin and Xanax pills on Tuesday. Deputies responded to Bethesda Hospital East on Tuesday regarding an infant who had ingested drugs. The child's mother said that she and 33-year-old Christopher Hartley were both drug addicts and were both in recovery for several years. She says approximately 6 months ago Hartley relapsed and has been using various drugs. On Tuesday, Hartley informed the mother that the child found his Xanax and heroin pills and ingested them. Hartley made an attempt to get the child to vomit the pills back up. The child's mother says he was lethargic and his breathing was slowed when she called 911. Hartley told deputies that he had heroin pills and a half of a Xanax pill wrapped inside tissue paper. He saw the child eating the tissue paper and found pills inside the child's mouth. Hartley says he put his fingers inside the child's mouth and removed 4 heroin pills. The child's condition is unknown. Hartley's relationship to the child is redacted from the arrest report.
From: Anna Re: Libre or Open Office? Dear DearWebby, What is better, Office Libre or Open Office? Anna Dear Anna The only difference I can find is that with Open Office you can install just one component, for example Calc, with no need to install all the others. With Libre you get the works, and can delete not needed parts later. If you are installing on a small camera chip, get Open Office. If you have plenty of room, install Libre Office. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam. ------------- My philosophy professors did not have any sense of humor, aside from letting me ad-lib and fake any and all answers.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner. "Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny. "Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. "Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Preventing Soap Scum If you use liquid soap in your bath and shower instead of bar soap, you will not have as much soap scum. The paraffin in the solid soap helps cause the scum buildup ____________________________________________________
The best of People are Awesome!
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Doc for this story: At a veterans' meeting in Washington, D.C., a man approached me and asked, "Do you recognize me?" "Sure," I answered unconvincingly. "What did I do in the Army?" he challenged. With surprising presence of mind, I replied, "You did absolutely nothing." Astonished, he said, "You do remember me!" ___________________________________________________ On wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A Sunday-school teacher returning to work one day heard this little boy and girl quarreling with each other. It looked as if they might come to blows. "Children, why are you fighting so?" The little boy answered with an airy smile, "Why, teacher, we aren't quarreling really; we're just playing mother and father." ___________________________________________________

Today January 23 in
1556 An earthquake in Shanxi Province, China, was thought to have
killed about 830,000 people. 

1571 The Royal Exchange in London, founded by financier Thomas
Gresham, was opened by Queen Elizabeth I. 

1789 Georgetown College was established as the first Catholic
college in the U.S. The school is in Washington, DC. 

1907 Charles Curtis, of Kansas, began serving in the United
States Senate. He was the first American Indian to become a U.S.
Senator. He resigned in March of 1929 to become U.S. President
Herbert Hoover’s Vice President. 

1920 The Dutch government refused the demands from the Allies to
hand over the ex-kaiser of Germany. 

1937 In Moscow, seventeen people went on trial during Josef
Stalin's "Great Purge." 

1943 Duke Ellington and the band played for a black-tie crowd at
Carnegie Hall in New York City for the first time. 

1943 The British captured Tripoli from the Germans. 

1950 The Israeli Knesset approved a resolution proclaiming
Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. 

1960 The U.S. Navy bathyscape Trieste descended to a record depth
of 35,820 feet (10,750 meters) in the Pacific Ocean.

1964 Ratification of the 24th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution
was completed. This amendment eliminated the poll tax in federal

1968 North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo, charging it
had intruded into the nation's territorial waters on a spying
mission. The crew was released 11 months later. 

1971 In Prospect Creek Camp, AK, the lowest temperature ever
recorded in the U.S. was reported as minus 80 degrees. 

1973 U.S. President Nixon announced that an accord had been
reached to lose the Vietnam War. 

1974 Mike Oldfield’s "Tubular Bells" opened the credits of the
movie, "The Exorcist". 

1977 The TV mini-series "Roots," began airing on ABC. The show
was based on the Alex Haley novel. 

1978 Sweden banned aerosol sprays because of damage to
environment. They were the first country to do so. 

1983 "The A-Team" debuted on TV. 

1985 O.J. Simpson became the first Heisman Trophy winner to be
elected to pro football’s Hall of Fame in Canton, OH. 

1989 Surrealist artist Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 

1997 A judge in Fairfax, VA, sentenced Mir Aimal Kasi to death
for an assault rifle attack outside the CIA headquarters in 1993
that killed two men and wounded three other people. 

1997 A British woman received a record £186,000 damages for
Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI). 

2001 A van used by the remaining two fugitives of the "Texas 7"
was recovered in Colorado Springs, CO. A few hours later police
surrounded a hotel where the convicts were hiding. Patrick Murphy
Jr. and Donald Newbury were taken into custody the next morning
without incident. 

2002 John Walker Lindh returned to the U.S. under FBI custody.
Lindh was charged with conspiring to kill U.S. citizens,
providing support to terrorists and engaging in prohibited
transactions with the Taliban while a member of the al-Quaida
terrorist organization in Afghanistan. 

2003 North Korea announced that it would consider sanctions an
act of war for North Korea's reinstatement of its nuclear

2019  smiled.

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Saving PowerPoint pictures 

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, January 22

Thanks Michael!
The delay in acknowledging your help was not due to PayPal, but
due to Telus, the phone company, being slow to fix the sub
station, that had been hit by a drunk. Sorry about that!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Drunken Eagles fan puts dog in microwave, 
attacks her girlfriend

Today, January 22 in
1666 Shah Jahan, a descendant of Genghis Khan and Timur, died at
the age of 74. He was the Mongul emperor of India that built the
Taj Mahal as a mausoleum for his wife Mumtaz-i-Mahal.  
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." --- Olin Miller I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. --- Confucius "I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." --- John Mortimer ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A guy asked his mother, "Why don't you get call-waiting? Your phone is always busy, and I can't get through." She replied, "I DO have call-waiting. You call; if the line is busy; you wait!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kirsten J. Gaskins , 31, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Drunken Eagles fan puts dog in microwave, attacks her girlfriend A drunken Eagles fan is accused of physically attacking her girlfriend and putting her girlfriend’s dog in a hotel microwave after the Eagles lost in the playoffs. Police say Kirsten J. Gaskins , 31, had been drinking and was upset about her team’s loss when she allegedly began yelling at her girlfriend, knocked the woman the down, climbed on top of her and started to hit her in the face, according to The Morning Call. The girlfriend, who wasn’t identified, was reportedly able to escape by scratching Gaskins in the face but as she went to flee the room, police said Gaskins allegedly threatened to kill her dog if she left the room. When police arrived at the Hanover Township hotel, where the couple had been staying, they found the white Pomeranian stuffed into a small microwave. The microwave had not been turned on and the dog was not harmed. Officers also reported that the woman’s girlfriend had blood on her left ear and cuts on her nose and cheek indicating a fight had taken place, the paper reports. Gaskins initially fled the scene but returned after officers arrived and told her girlfriend the pair were leaving. "When Gaskins returned to the hotel room, she continued to be aggressive and (loudly) cursing at police and the victim," a press release obtained by said. Officers arrested her and charged her with simple assault, harassment, cruelty to animals and possession of drug paraphernalia. She has since been released on a $20,000 bail. Gaskins has denied the allegations against her telling local station WCAU that the incident was not related to the football game. She also claimed that she had not put the dog into the microwave.
From: Jeannie Re: Saving PowerPoint pictures Dear DearWebby, Several times over the past few months I’ve been sent some amazing power point presentations. Many of the pictures are just breath taking and I’d like to save a few of them. How do I do it? I would ask the people that sent them to me for copies of the photos but have already discovered that they have no clue about the photos as they have just forwarded on what was forwarded to them. Any advice or help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Jeannie Dear Jeannie Just get OpenOffice or office Libre. They are free. They have a PowerPoint viewer in it that shows you the thumbnails on the side, and the big pictures in the center. Or you can hit F5 and enjoy the show running on it's own. You can save the individual pictures, and even edit captions and make your own slide show. The only real difference I found between Open and Libre is that with Opne Office you can, if you want, just install Writer or Calc or Impress, whereas with Libre office, you get the whole apple cart. If you are short on space, use Open Office. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew: 'When standing on the bridge looking towards the bow, Port is Left, Starboard is Right.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Slicing Round Food To prevent an onion, bagel, or anything round from rolling while you slice it, cut a small slice from an edge and use that as a base. Then it it will not roll as easily and is much safer. ____________________________________________________
Beautiful peacock clock.
___________________________________________________ >From the deep South: The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer (who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand). "Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of March." She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply: "With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of March. There are 97 of us in my company." ___________________________________________________ The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while John was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He said: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own." The waitress pulls the menu from the man's hand and says "I'll be right back with the children's menu." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper. "Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers." To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work." ___________________________________________________

Today January 22 in
1666 Shah Jahan, a descendant of Genghis Khan and Timur, died at
the age of 74. He was the Mongul emperor of India that built the
Taj Mahal as a mausoleum for his wife Mumtaz-i-Mahal. 

1771 The Falkland Islands were ceded to Britain by Spain. 

1824 The Asante army crushed British troops in the Gold Coast. 

1874 A patent was issued to Samuel W. Francis for the spork. 

1879 James Shields began a term as a U.S. Senator from Missouri.
He had previously served Illinois and Minnesota. He was the first
Senator to serve three states. 

1879 British troops were massacred by the Zulus at Isandhlwana. 

1889 The Columbia Phonograph Company was formed in Washington,

1900 Off of South Africa, the British released the German steamer
Herzog, which had been seized on January 6. 

1901 Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for nearly 64
years. Edward VII, her son, succeeded her. 

1903 The Hay-Herrán Treaty was signed by United States Secretary
of State John M. Hay and Colombian Chargé Dr. Tomás Herrán. The
treaty granted the United States rights to the land proposed for
the Panama Canal. 

1905 Insurgent workers were fired on in St Petersburg, Russia,
resulting in "Bloody Sunday." 500 people were killed. 

1917 U.S. President Wilson pleaded for an end to war in Europe,
calling for "peace without victory." America entered the war the
following April. 

1924 Ramsay MacDonald became Britain's first Labour Prime

1930 In New York, excavation began for the Empire State Building.

1936 In Paris, Premier Pierre Laval resigned over diplomatic
failure in the Ethiopian crisis. 

1938 "Our Town," by Thornton Wilder, was performed publicly for
the first time, in Princeton, NJ. 

1941 Britain captured Tobruk from German forces. 

1944 Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy, during World
War II. 

1950 Alger Hiss, a former adviser to U.S. President Franklin
Roosevelt, was convicted of perjury for denying contacts with a
Soviet agent. He was sentenced to five years in prison. 

1951 Fidel Castro was ejected from a Winter League baseball game
after hitting a batter. He later gave up baseball for politics. 

1957 Suspected "Mad Bomber" was arrested in Waterbury, CT. George
P. Metesky was accused of planting more than 30 explosive devices
in the New York City area. 

1957 The Israeli army withdrew from the Sinai. They had invaded
Egypt on October 29, 1956. 

1964 Kenneth Kaunda was sworn in as the first Prime Minister of
Northern Rhodesia. 

1970 The first regularly scheduled commercial flight of the
Boeing 747 began in New York City and ended in London about 6 1/2
hours later. 

1972 The United Kingdom, the Irish Republic, and Denmark joined
the EEC. 

1973 Joe Frazier lost the first fight of his professional career
to George Foreman. He had been the undefeated heavyweight world
champion since February 16, 1970 when he knocked out Jimmy Ellis.

1973 The U.S. Supreme Court struck down state laws that had been
restricting abortions during the first six months of pregnancy.
The case (Roe vs. Wade) legalized abortion. 

1983 Bjorn Borg retired from tennis. He had set a record by
winning 5 consecutive Wimbledon championships. 

1984 Apple introduced the Macintosh during the third quarter of
Super Bowl XVIII. 

1992 Rebel soldiers seized the national radio station in
Kinshasa, Zaire's capital, and broadcast a demand for the
government's resignation. 

1995 Two Palestinian suicide bombers from the Gaza Strip
detonated powerful explosives at a military transit point in
central Israel, killing 19 Israelis. 

1998 Theodore Kaczynski pled guilty to federal charges for his
role as the Unabomber. He agreed to life in prison without

2000 Elian Gonzalez's grandmothers met privately with U.S.
Attorney General Janet Reno as they appealed for help in removing
the boy from his Florida relatives and reuniting him with his
father in Cuba. 

2001 Former National Football League (NFL) player Rae Carruth was
sentenced to a minimum 18 years and 11 months in prison for his
role in the 1999 shooting death of his pregnant girlfriend,
Cherica Adams. Adams died a month later from her wounds. The baby
survived and lives with the victim's mother. 

2001 Acting on a tip, authorities captured four of the "Texas 7"
in Woodland Park, CO, at a convenience store. A fifth convict
killed himself inside a motor home. 

2002 Lawyers suing Enron Corp. asked a court to prevent further
shredding of documents due to the pending federal investigation. 

2002 announced that it had posted its first net profit
in the fourth quarter (quarter ending December 31, 2001). 

2002 AOL Time Warner filed suit against Microsoft in federal
court seeking damages for harm done to AOL's Netscape Internet
Browser when Microsoft began giving away its competing browser. 
AOL never released Netscape. They just bought it, shelved it, and
used Microsoft Internet Explorer, making permanent enemies out of
all netscape fans.

2002 Marc Chagall's work "Study for 'Over Vitebsk" was found at a
postal installation in Topeka, KS. The 8x10 oil painting is
valued at about $1 million. The work was stolen a year before
from the Jewish Museum in New York City. 

2002 Kmart Corp. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy making it the
largest retailer in history to seek legal protection from its

2003 In New York, the "Leonardo da Vinci, Master Draftsmen"
exhibit opened at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

2003 It was reported that scientists in China had found
fossilized remains of a dinosaur with four feathered wings. 

2019  smiled.

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Transferring to new machine 

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 21

Yesterday, Sunday, the phone lines, and Internet were down here
from before 9 am.
Telus malfunction.
I walked to Copper's home and Barb called the silly nits,
who are paid by the minute, that they can keep a victim on the
phone. Calling the number, to see if a drunk had knocked over a
phone pole, was of course too technical for them. 

After an hour of arguing, when Barb's phone battery -and
patience-was running down, they agreed to send a tech tomorrow,

I told them via Barb's phone repeatedly that my phone has no dial
tone and the phone says "NO LINE". Medium smart onions would
realize that that indicates a knocked over phone pole.

So Monday they are going to send a tech. He is going to plug in
his phone and say: "Duh, looks like you got no line."

That's what I have been saying all along, Einstump!

Well, your newsletter is all written and ready to send whenever
they can get the line fixed.

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Traffic stop fugitive was chased by horses

Today, January 21 in
1911 The first Monte Carlo car rally was held. Seven days later
it was won by Henri Rougier. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. --- Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938) All Truth passes through Three Stages: First, it is ridiculed... Second, it is Violently Opposed... Third, it is Accepted as being Self-Evident." --- Arthur Schopenhauer "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --- Jeff Valdez ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Wendy: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment! Anni: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. Wendy: What did you say? Anni: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or I am moving out of your house!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Myrna Dear Webby, a few years ago you had that classic bricklayer's compensation board letter. Do you still have it? Can you print it again, please? Thanks Myrna Sure, Myrna, here it is. It must be an all time favorite, because I remember requests for it, when the Humor Letter was still in fax format, before the Internet. Dear Sir: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dominic Maultsby, 29, DeLand, Florida Traffic stop fugitive was chased by horses A police helicopter in Florida captured video when a fleeing suspect was chased through a pasture by a few horses. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office posted video to Twitter showing a heat camera's footage of Dominic Maultsby, 29, fleeing on foot after a traffic stop in DeLand. The video shows Maultsby attempting to hide under a tree before running into a field, where he soon found himself pursued by the horses. The horses did not like him, knocked him ass over teakettle and then chased the suspect until he jumped a nearby fence and was captured by K-9 deputies waiting there.
From: Richie Re: Transfer to new machine Dear DearWebby, Can I hook a USB jumper from my old pC to my new PC and transfer all my data and files from one C drive to the other? Do you have a better idea to perform this? thanks Richie Dear Richie No. You can network the machines and transfer your porno pix, but if you try to transfer programs, you will have a big problem. The only safe way to do that is by following the advice of Intel and Microsoft: Use PC Mover from LapLink. Just hit the PC Mover banner in the Humor Letter. It is not free. Just consider it part of the cost of your new computer. I have used Laplink since the 80's and have never had a problem with it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, " BS! Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Oatmeal Face Scrub This is a simple and cheap face scrub that helps get rid of blackheads. Make a paste with oatmeal and water and apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse your face with warm water. ____________________________________________________
13 things Messy Nessy found on the internet today.
___________________________________________________ >From Pat in OZ "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." ___________________________________________________ A friend went to her doctor the other day and the man was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just have to learn to live it," he said. When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter. Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie." ___________________________________________________

Today January 21 in
1789 W.H. Brown's "Power of Sympathy" was published. It was the
first American novel to be published. The novel is also known
as the "Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth". 

1793 During the French Revolution, King Louis XVI was executed
on the guillotine. He had been condemned for treason. 

1853 Dr. Russell L. Hawes patented the envelope folding

1865 An oil well was drilled by torpedoes for the first time. 

1900 Canadian troops set sail to fight in South Africa. The
Boers had attacked Ladysmith on January 8, 1900. 

1911 The first Monte Carlo car rally was held. Seven days later
it was won by Henri Rougier. 

1915 The first Kiwanis club was formed in Detroit, MI. 

1924 Soviet leader Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died. Joseph Stalin
began a purge of his rivals for the leadership of the Soviet

1927 The first opera broadcast over a national radio network
was presented in Chicago, IL. The opera was "Faust". 

1941 The British communist newspaper, the "Daily Worker," was
banned due to wartime restrictions. 

1954 The Nautilus was launched in Groton, CT. It was the first
atomic-powered submarine. U.S. First Lady Mamie Eisenhower
broke the traditional bottle of champagne across the bow. 

1954 The gas turbine automobile was introduced in New York

1970 The Boeing 747 made its first commercial flight from New
York to London for Pan American. 

1970 ABC-TV presented "The Johnny Cash Show" in prime time. 

1976 The French Concorde SST aircraft began regular commercial
service for Air France and British Airways. 

1977 U.S. President Carter pardoned almost all Vietnam War
draft evaders. 

1980 Gold was valued at $850 an ounce. 

1994 A jury in Manassas, VA, acquitted Lorena Bobbitt by reason
of temporary insanity of maliciously wounding (severing his
penis) her husband John. She accused him of sexually assaulting

1997 Newt Gingrich was fined as the U.S. House of
Representatvies voted for first time in history to discipline
its leader for ethical misconduct. 

1998 A former White House intern said on tape that she had an
affair with U.S. President Clinton. 

1999 The U.S. Coast Guard intercepted a ship headed for
Houston, TX, that had over 9,500 pounds of cocaine aboard. It
was one of the largest drug busts in U.S. history. 

2002 In Goma, Congo, about fifty people were killed when lava
flow ignited a gas station. The people killed were trying to
steal fuel from elevated tanks. The eruption of Mount
Nyiragongo began on January 17, 2002. 

2002 In London, a 17th century book by Capt. John Smith,
founder of the English settlement at Jamestown, was sold at
auction for $48,800. "The General History of Virginia, New
England and the Summer Isles" was published in 1632. 

2003 It was announced by the U.S. Census Bureau that estimates
showed that the Hispanic population had passed the black
population for the first time.

2019  smiled.

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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, January 20

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, January 20 in
1981 Iran released 52 Americans that had been held hostage for
444 days. The hostages were flown to Algeria and then to a U.S.
base in Wiesbaden, West Germany. The release occurred minutes
after the U.S. presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world. --- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --- Douglas Casey When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?" After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice, "Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the biker returns. "Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!" "O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender. "Or I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles." ______________________________________________________ Cape Stolbchaty, located in Russia’s Kuril Islands. © Ekaterina Vasyagina _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dickface Johnson, Jeffrey Forrest Poole, 37, Largo, Florida Most memorable Alias in Floriduh When police in Largo, Florida, arrested Jeffrey Forrest Poole on charges of violently resisting a police officer, the authorities made sure to list things like his age, weight and address in his arrest report. Officers also included an alias that Poole has allegedly used in the past ? and it’s pretty awesome, as well as NSFW. But more on that later. Police were called to the 37-year-old suspect’s home on a reported domestic disturbance early Sunday morning. When the officer arrived, according to the criminal complaint, Poole exited his home and said, “I will beat every cop’s ass!” Then Poole “raised his right fist and began to extend it towards my face in an attempt to strike me,” the arresting officer wrote, according to The Smoking Gun. Since Poole was arrested and taken to the Pinellas County Jail, it is highly unlikely he made good on his ass-kicking promise. Poole was charged with assaulting a police officer and violently resisting a police officer. He remains behind bars in lieu of $5,150 bail. What makes this case interesting beyond Pinellas County is one tiny detail: The criminal alias Poole has previously used, one “Dickface Johnson.” That name showed up because Poole was either asked if he had any alias or a record on file under that name, according to
From: Cleta Re: Spell Check Dear DearWebby, I am 71 year's old and I would like very much to install Spell Correct on my Face Book Timeline page What do you think is the best one? I look on the Internet and it had 4 different one's but I have always trusted your thoughts. The four Are 1- Google Chrome 2-Mozilla Firefox 3- Safari --Internet Explorer Thanks a lot. Cleta Dear Cleta Decades ago, long before FaceBook, I installed "As You Type". It still seems to work in everything, mail, spreadsheets, word processing, etc., including FaceBook. I realize that now it is not free, but it has never bugged me about renewing. Seems to be a lifetime thing. So I have not checked what is new in that field. The browser based spell checkers are each just good for that particular browser. If you use Chrome, get that one. If you use FireFox, get that one. If you use many different browsers, get the add-in for each of them. The browser based spell checkers won't help you in other applications like email or spreadsheets or word processors, but will work nicely in that particular browser. Have FUN! DearWebby
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John was drunk when he got to Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the drunk asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." John headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the drunk man started shouting, "Don't flush, PLEASE, don't flush!"
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The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Surge Protector or Just a Power Strip It's a good idea to plug your computer into a power strip that has a surge protector in it. Not all power strips have this feature. If your power strip doesn't state that it has a surge protector it probably does not and you should upgrade to help protect your expensive electronics. If you believe in election promises and advertising, that is good advice. Just because a power bar claims to have a surge protector, that does not mean it has an effective surge protector. A light-weight no-name brand power bar for $2.95 - $19.95 just has a token suppressor chip that may suicide from the surge caused by turning a big monitor on. It will just be a handy power bar from then on, without telling you that it no longer even detects surges. In the class between $19.95 and $49.95 they indicate with a flickering light that they are just a dumb power bar now. In the heavier, above $50 class there are heavy coils and capacitors, and often even a battery that will smooth over short outages and flickers. Without getting into technical details, usually the heavier a power bar is, the more likely it has effective surge protection. ____________________________________________________
13 things Messy Nessy found on the internet today.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Millie for this story: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago!! Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes!" he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1944." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?" He died on the way to the hospital. ___________________________________________________ After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into an old blouse and sweats and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she wrapped a towel around her head and, with cold creme on her face, stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say, with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT monfter?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower." ___________________________________________________

Today January 20 in
1265 The first English parliament met in Westminster Hall. 

1839 Chile defeated a confederation of Peru and Bolivia in the
Battle of Yungay. 

1841 The island of Hong Kong was ceded to Great Britain. It
returned to Chinese control in July 1997. 

1885 The roller coaster was patented by L.A. Thompson. 

1886 The Mersey Railway Tunnel was officially opened by the
Prince of Wales. 

1887 The U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor
in Hawaii as a naval base. 

1892 The first official basketball game was played by students at
the Springfield, MA, YMCA Training School. 

1929 The movie "In Old Arizona" was released. The film was the
first full-length talking film to be filmed outdoors. 

1942 Nazi officials held the Wannsee conference, during which
they arrived at their "final solution" that called for
exterminating Europe's Jews. 

1944 The British RAF dropped 2,300 tons of bombs on Berlin. 

1952 In Juarez, Mexico, Patricia McCormick debuted as the first
professional woman bullfighter from the United States. 

1953 "Studio One" became the first television show to be
transmitted from the United States to Canada. 

1954 The National Negro Network was formed on this date. Forty
radio stations were charter members of the network. 

1972 The number of unemployed in Britain exceeded 1 million. 

1981 Iran released 52 Americans that had been held hostage for
444 days. The hostages were flown to Algeria and then to a U.S.
base in Wiesbaden, West Germany. The release occurred minutes
after the U.S. presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald

1985 The most-watched Super Bowl game in history was seen by an
estimated 115.9 million people. The San Francisco 49ers defeated
the Miami Dolphins, 38-16. Super Bowl XIX marked the first time
that TV commercials sold for a million dollars a minute. 

1986 Britain and France announced their plans to build the
Channel Tunnel. 

1986 New footage of the 1931 "Frankenstein" was found. The
footage was originally deleted because it was considered to be
too shocking. 

1987 Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite was kidnapped in Beirut,
Lebanon. He was there attempting to negotiate the release of
Western hostages. He was not freed until November 1991. 

1994 Shannon Faulkner became the first woman to attend classes at
The Citadel in South Carolina. Faulkner joined the cadet corps in
August 1995 under court order but soon dropped out. 

1996 Yasser Arafat was elected president of the Palestinian
Authority and his supporters won two thirds of the 80 seats in
the Legislative Council. 

1998 American researchers announced that they had cloned calves
that may produce medicinal milk. 

1998 In Chile, a judge agreed to hear a lawsuit that accused
Chile's former dictator Augusto Pinochet with genocide. 

1999 The China News Service announced that the Chinese government
was tightening restrictions on internet use. The rules were aimed
at 'Internet Bars.' 

2000 Greece and Turkey signed five accords aimed to build
confidence between the two nations. 

2019  smiled.

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Advantages of PayPal 

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 19

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, January 19 in
1937 Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record. He flew
from Los Angeles to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25
More of today in history at History
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --- Rita Mae Brown ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Barb As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS." When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.' "Then why are you checking it out?" "Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!" ______________________________________________________ Satchari National Park, located in far eastern Bangladesh Photo by Abdul Momin _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Laura Ulin, 40, Cape Coral, Florida Florida Woman Pulled Gun on Salon Because It Was Past Her Appointment Time A Southwest Florida woman found herself behind bars after police say she pulled out a gun and threatened another person because it was past her appointment time at a local hair salon. Laura Ulin was arrested Monday afternoon after the incident at the Hair Cuttery in Cape Coral, with the 40-year-old being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without the intent to kill and carrying a concealed weapon without a license. According to NBC affiliate WBBH-TV, Ulin when into the location upset and swearing because it was past her scheduled time and claimed stylists were not working. When a customer got up in an attempt to calm her down, Ulin pulled a gun out of her purse and pointed it at the customer’s stomach before leaving. Ulin was arrested at her home several hours later and was released on $35,000 bond. Her next court appearance is scheduled for February 11th.
From: Robert Re: What is the advantage of PayPal Dear DearWebby, What is the advantage of having Pay Pal and how do I get it if I were interested Please help!! Thank you, Robert. Dear Robert PayPal is like a 2-way debit card. You can receive money just as easily as spending money. For example, if you find that you have more stuff to get rid off from the spring cleaning than you have garbage bag allowance, you sell some of the stuff on eBay. Somebody is bound to want that stuff. They pay you via PayPal and stock up your PayPal account. When you buy something over the net, for example web hosting, you use your PayPal account to pay for it. If you buy something major, you can stock your account by dragging funds from your bank account onto it. The same also works when you have too much in the PayPal account and not enough in your checking account. You simply drag some money from PayPal to your bank account. You can view and print your PayPal account any time you want, without statement fees like your bank charges. It works quite well and I have never had a problem with PayPal. 99.5% of Webby clients pay with PayPal and appreciate the convenience. To get an account, just go to By the way, if a company does not accept PayPal, then watch out. PayPal does not block companies or people for no reason. Have FUN! DearWebby
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On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor." He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than three years!" The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church."
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What Is Easter? Three cheerleaders died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first cheerleader replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St.Peter. Then he turns to the second cheerleader, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second cheerleader replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second cheerleader, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third cheerleader and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third cheerleader smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third cheerleader continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Vegetable Oil on Your Snow Shovel A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ____________________________________________________
Top 100 viral videos of 2018. 30 min. 44 sec. long
___________________________________________________ Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones." ___________________________________________________ Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I had stolen." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one". "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them bitches and a few sumbitches too!" ___________________________________________________

Today January 19 in
1419 Rouen surrendered to Henry V, completing his conquest of

1793 King Louis XVI was tried by the French Convention, found
guilty of treason and sentenced to the guillotine. 

1825 Ezra Daggett and Thomas Kensett of New York City patented a
canning process to preserve salmon, oysters and lobsters. 

1883 Thomas Edison's first village electric lighting system using
overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ. 

1915 George Claude, of Paris, France, patented the neon discharge
tube for use in advertising signs. 

1915 More than 20 people were killed when German zeppelins bombed
England for the first time. The bombs were dropped on Great
Yarmouth and King's Lynn. 

1937 Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record. He flew
from Los Angeles to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25

1942 The Japanese invaded Burma (later Myanmar). 

1944 The U.S. federal government relinquished control of the
nation's railroads after the settlement of a wage dispute. 

1949 The salary of the President of the United States was
increased from $75,000 to $100,000 with an additional $50,000
expense allowance for each year in office. 

1953 Sixty-eight percent of all TV sets in the U.S. were tuned to
CBS-TV, as Lucy Ricardo, of "I Love Lucy," gave birth to a baby

1955 U.S. President Eisenhower allowed a filmed news conference
to be used on television (and in movie newsreels) for the first

1957 Philadelphia comedian, Ernie Kovacs, did a half-hour TV show
without saying a single word of dialogue. 

1966 Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. 

1969 In protest against the Russian invasion of 1968, Czech
student Jan Palach set himself on fire in Prague's Wenceslas

1971 At the Charles Manson murder trial, the Beatles' "Helter
Skelter" was played. At the scene of one of his gruesome murders,
the words "helter skelter" were written on a mirror. 

1977 U.S. President Ford pardoned Iva Toguri D'Aquino (the "Tokyo

1979 Former U.S. Attorney General John N. Mitchell was released
on parole after serving 19 months at a federal prison in Alabama.

1981 The U.S. and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for the
release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14 months and
for arrangements to unfreeze Iranian assets and to resolve all
claims against Iran. 

1983 China announced that it was bannning 1983 purchases of
cotton, soybeans and chemical fibers from the United States. 

1993 IBM announced a loss of $4.97 billion for 1992. It was the
largest single-year loss in U.S. corporate history. 

1995 Russian forces overwhelmed the resistance forces in

1996 U.S. first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was subpoenaed to
appear before a federal grand jury. The investigation was
concerning the discovery of billing records related to the
Whitewater real estate investment venture. 

1997 Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in more
than 30 years. He joined 60,000 Palestinians in celebration over
the handover of the last West Bank city in Israeli control. 

2001 Texas officials demoted a warden and suspended three other
prison workers in the wake of the escape of the "Texas 7." 

2006 NASA's New Horizons spacecraft was launched. The mission was
the first to investigate Pluto. 

2013 In Scottsdale, AZ, the original Batmobile for the TV series
"Batman" sold at auction for $4.6 million. It was the first of
six Batmobiles produced for the show. 

2018  smiled.

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Are Eudora and Thunderbird freee? Yes! 

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, January 18
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, January 18 in
1939 Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded 
"Jeepers Creepers."
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. --- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826) Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. --- G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936) ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Wendi I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery. "If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two." At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear- piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank. One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money. Don refuses. "But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much." "Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non- competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money." ______________________________________________________ Ring Neck Pheasant on Kenny Hollow Rd. Yale Forest, Union, CT. 12-31-2018 D J Laroche Photography _____________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ashley Kristen Keister, 28, Nanticoke, Pennsylvania Woman smashed way into station looking for cop she was sexually harassing A Pennsylvania woman was caught on surveillance cameras busting her way into a small-town police station looking for the police officer she’s been sexually harassing since he arrested her last May, police officials said. Ashley Kristen Keister, 28, of Nanticoke, was booked Monday on charges of aggravated assault on a police officer, harassment by communicating lewd or threatening language, two counts of criminal mischief, two counts of institutional vandalism, loitering and prowling at night, disorderly conduct and burglary, according to court records. She is being held in the Luzerne County Jail in lieu of $50,000 bond.
From: Janice Re: Eudora and FireFox Dear DearWebby, I see Eudora has a free download. But does it cost anything to use or to have just a personal account? I hate Chrome and Google (which I think are the same or closely connected) but Firefox suits me fine. Is Eudora compatible with Firefox? Janice Dear Janice Eudora is free. It is a self sufficient, independent program and does not need ANY browser. I remember it was working just fine long before Microsoft copied Netscape and created Internet Explorer. There used to be a hot religious war between Netscape users and Microsoft Internet Explorer users. It made no difference to Eudora users. If Eudora is too Industrial looking for you, you can get ThunderBird. It is based on the Eudora core, but has all the corners rounded off and colored nicely. Millions of former Eudora users now use Thunderbird, because Windows 7 Pro and Windows 10 does not mesh with Eudora very well. For example clicking on an email address in Excel SHOULD open a new mail in Eudora with that address already in the TO line. Unfortunately, Windows is a bit unreliable about that. With Thunderbird there is no problem with that. Eudora is at Thunderbird is at Have FUN! DearWebby
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Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home." On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water." "Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Reb's wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers." A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" "Maybe, Ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Vegetable Oil on Your Snow Shovel Coat your snow shovel with some vegetable oil to keep snow from sticking to it. Use the cheapest cooking oil you have on hand. Make sure you carefully wash off that oil before the dusty season! Unlike dry Moly lube or spray-on Ski wax, cooking oil attracts and binds dust into a rough crust that will make your life miserable next year. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
The 2019 Harbin Ice and Snow Festival.
___________________________________________________ My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60." ___________________________________________________ One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she said. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy, cheap, and no good in bed, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day. On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs. There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot. On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?" "Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going one way, just think of our condition! We have to go all the way back!". ___________________________________________________

Today January 18 in
1778 English navigator Captain James Cook discovered the Hawaiian
Islands, which he called the "Sandwich Islands." 

1788 The first English settlers arrived in Australia's Botany Bay
to establish a penal colony. The group moved north eight days
later and settled at Port Jackson. 

1871 Wilhelm, King of Prussia from 1861, was proclaimed the first
German Emperor. 

1886 The Hockey Association was formed in England. This date is
the birthday of modern field hockey. 

1896 The x-ray machine was exhibited publicly for the first time.

1911 For the first time an aircraft landed on a ship. Pilot
Eugene B. Ely flew onto the deck of the USS Pennsylvania in San
Francisco harbor. 

1919 The World War I Peace Congress opened in Versailles, France.

1939 Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded "Jeepers

1943 During World War II, the Soviets announced that they had
broken the Nazi siege of Leningrad, which had began in September
of 1941. 

1943 U.S. commercial bakers stopped selling sliced bread. Only
whole loaves were sold during the ban until the end of World War

1948 "The Original Amateur Hour" debuted. The show was on the air
for 22 years. 

1950 The federal tax on oleomargarine was repealed. 

1957 The first, non-stop, around-the-world, jet flight came to an
end at Riverside, CA. The plane was refueled in mid-flight by
huge aerial tankers. 

1964 The plans for the original World Trade Center in New York
were unveiled to the public. 

1967 Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler,"
was convicted in Cambridge, MA, of armed robbery, assault and sex
offenses. He was sentenced to life in prison. Desalvo was killed
in 1973 by a fellow inmate. 

1972 Former Rhodesian prime minister Garfield Todd and his
daughter were placed under house arrest for campaigning against
Rhodesian independence. 

1978 The European Court of Human Rights cleared the British
government of torture but found it guilty of inhuman and
degrading treatment of prisoners in Northern Ireland. 

1987 For the first time in history the Public Broadcasting System
(PBS) was seen by over 100 million viewers. The audience was
measured during the week of January 12-18. 

1990 A jury in Los Angeles, CA, acquitted former preschool
operators Raymond Buckey and his mother, Peggy McMartin Buckey,
of 52 child molestation charges. 

1990 In an FBI sting, Washington, DC, Mayor Marion Barry was
arrested for drug possession. He was later convicted of a

1991 Eastern Airlines shut down after 62 years in business due to
financial problems. 

1995 The "" domain was registered. 

1995 A network of caves were discovered near the town of Vallon-
Pont-d'Arc in southern France. The caves contained paintings and
engravings that were 17,000 to 20,000 years old. 

1997 Hutu militiamen killed three Spanish aid workers and three
soldiers and seriously wound an American in a night attack in NW

2000 The Chinese web services company Baidu, Inc. was
incorporated in Beijing. 

2002 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced the
approval of a saliva-based ovulation test. 

2012 Wikipedia began a 24-hour "blackout" in protest against
proposed anti-piracy legislation (S. 968 and H.R. 3261) known as
the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) in the Senate and
the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) in the House. Many websites,
including Reddit, Google, Facebook, Amazon and others, contended
it would make it challenging if not impossible for them to

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Yahoo Mail fix 

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, January 17

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Father charged with beating toddler, 
gluing mouth, eyes shut

Today, January 17 in
2002 It was announced that Microsoft had signed a joint venture
agreement to produce software with two partners in China. The two
partners were Beijin Centergate Technologies (Holding) Co. and
the Stone Group.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' --- Ronnie Shakes Live out of your imagination, not your history. --- Stephen Covey A hippy is a guy that looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. --- Ronald Reagan 1911-2004 ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one lunch check, Chaos is four women plus one bargain. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Ginny for this story: My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photograph on the mantle piece?" I told her, "To keep the kids away from the fire." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Johnnie Lee Carter, 29, Odessa, Texas Father charged with beating toddler, gluing mouth, eyes shut A father suspected of gluing shut the eyes and mouth of his 1- year-old daughter has been arrested in West Texas. El Paso County records show 29-year-old Johnnie Lee Carter is being held Wednesday on a charge of injury to a child causing serious bodily injury. On Sept. 16, Odessa police called to a domestic disturbance found the girl with facial injuries and her mouth and eyes glued. According to an affidavit, the toddler’s mother told police that Carter choked and punched the girl then applied adhesive. A super glue stick was found nearby. Carter had fled. According to Dallas News, an arrest affidavit also showed that Carter had stuffed a 2-month-old infant underneath a pile of pillows and blankets. Carter was arrested Monday at a motel in El Paso by U.S. Marshals after being on the run for 10 days. He faces extradition to Odessa, some 270 miles away.
From: Janice Re: New Yahoo mail rigamarole Dear DearWebby, In case anyone else runs into this problem with the "new improved" Yahoo. It took a while but I finally figured it out. I am definitely not a computer guru like you. I have been working with this "new and improved" Yahoo since the first of the year. The email that I enjoy had been going directly to "trash". I went in opened it and read it before I did anything as I hate to miss your information. That was unnecessary but I wanted to be sure. I found the "Spam" notation which I had not seen before. So I marked it "Spam". It went into the "Spam" folder. I went into the "Spam" folder found the "Not Spam" button and clicked it. It went into the "Inbox". I proceded normally after that. (Hopefully, it will continue going to the "Inbox".) I understand why Yahoo is such a mess, too many gurus working on it. It is a pain in the toucus to figure out, but it does keep the old brain cells active. Maybe that is why I like it. Keep up the good work educating. We need more good honest people helping. Thank goodness we have you. Sincerely, Janice Dear Janice I tried Yahoo mail, once, briefly, in 1995, for about one day. Compared to Eudora, which I have been using since about 1992, Yahoo mail was simply not good enough. I do have a Yahoo account because some news groups require one to get access. However, that is the extent of my involvement with Yahoo, aside from cussing at it whenever they censor mail. As you probably know, I am one of the originators of Internet Postcards. At the hayday of postcards there were about half a million cards sent through our servers on an average day, and totally insane numbers on Valentines Day and Mothers Day. With Yahoo censoring cards because Valentines Day Cupids showed bare naked elbows, and because the cards overloaded Yahoo, I used to get horrific amounts of complaints from yahoos. They eased off a bit with the censoring when AliBaba bought Yahoo and then dumped it off on Verizon for about the same amount as what the Southern Wall will cost, but there is still way too much censoring going on. Every week a subscriber or two of the Humor letter complains that Yahoo or SBCglobal has stolen their subscription. You can see that I am most definitely not a fan of Yahoo. So I am just pasting your letter as is. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Aphid Repellent Plants You can help prevent aphid infestations on your vegetables by planting them with plants that repel aphids. Some examples are anise, chives, coriander, garlic, onions, petunias and radish. Another trick is lay some aluminum foil around the base of a plant, the reflection will help deter the aphids. ____________________________________________________
The 2019 Harbin Ice and Snow Festival.
___________________________________________________ The new librarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and, with a look of utter disgust on his face, handed them to the librarian. Before the librarian could even start her speech, the boy said, disdainfully, "That other librarian we had could write." ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Irene for this story: Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but....this seems to require further study." ___________________________________________________

Today January 17 in
1377 The Papal See was transferred from Avignon in France back to

1562 French Protestants were recognized under the Edict of St.

1773 Captain Cook's Resolution became the first ship to cross the
Antarctic Circle. 

1852 The independence of the Transvaal Boers was recognized by

1871 Andrew S. Hallidie received a patent for a cable car system.

Cable car systems had been around for thousands of years, but
never patented.

1882 Thomas Edison's exhibit opened the Crystal Palace Exhibition
in London. 

1893 The Kingdom of Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown when a group
of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Liliuokalani to

1900 The U.S. took Wake Island where there was in important cable
link between Hawaii and Manila. 

1900 Yaqui Indians in Texas proclaimed their independence from

1900 Mormon Brigham Roberts was denied a seat in the U.S. House
of Representatives for his practicing of polygamy. 

1905 Punchboards were patented by a manufacturing firm in
Chicago, IL. 

1912 English explorer Robert Falcon Scott reached the South Pole.
Norwegian Roald Amundsen had beaten him there by one month. Scott
and his party died during the return trip. 

1913 All partner interests in 36 Golden Rule Stores were
consolidated and incorporated in Utah into one company. The new
corporation was the J.C. Penney Company. 

1928 The fully automatic film-developing machine was patented by
A.M. Josepho. 

1934 Ferdinand Porsche submitted a design for a people's car, a
"Volkswagen," to the new German Reich government. 

1945 Soviet and Polish forces liberated Warsaw at the end of
World War II. 

1945 Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary
while in Soviet custody. Wallenberg was credited with saving tens
of thousands of Jews. 

1946 The United Nations Security Council held its first meeting. 

1959 Senegal and the French Sudan joined to form the Federal
State of Mali. 

1966 A B-52 carrying four H-bombs collided with a refuelling
tanker. The bombs were released and eight crewmembers were

1977 Double murderer Gary Gilmore became the first to be executed
in the U.S. in a decade. The firing squad took place at Utah
State Prison. 

1991 Coalition airstrikes began against Iraq after negotiations
failed to get Iraq to retreat from the country of Kuwait. 

1992 An IRA bomb, placed next to a remote country road in County
Tyrone, Northern Ireland, killed seven building workers and
injured seven others. 

1994 The Northridge earthquake rocked Los Angeles, CA,
registering a 6.7 on the Richter Scale. At least 61 people were
killed and about $20 billion in damage was caused. 

1995 More than 6,000 people were killed when an earthquake with a
magnitude of 7.2 devastated the city of Kobe, Japan. 

1997 A court in Ireland granted the first divorce in the Roman
Catholic country's history. 

1997 Israel gave over 80% of Hebron to Palestinian rule, but held
the remainder where several hundred Jewish settlers lived among
20,000 Palestinians. 

1998 U.S. President Clinton gave his deposition in the Paula
Jones sexual harassment lawsuit against him. He was the first
U.S. President to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil

2000 British pharmaceutical companies Glaxo Wellcome PLC and
SmithKline Beecham PLC agreed to a merger that created the
world's largest drugmaker. 

2001 Congo's President Laurent Kabila was shot and killed during
a coup attempt. Congolese officials temporarily placed Kabila's
son in charge of the government. 

2001 The director of Palestinian TV, Hisham Miki, was killed at a
restaurant when three masked gunmen walked up to his table and
shot him more than 10 times. 

2002 It was announced that Microsoft had signed a joint venture
agreement to produce software with two partners in China. The two
partners were Beijin Centergate Technologies (Holding) Co. and
the Stone Group.

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MS Office Requirement in school 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 16

Facebook saboteurs at Microsoft murdered the old Skype.

Since MS paid twice as much for Skype as Halliburton plans to
charge for the Southern Wall, they figured they can murder the
old, compact skype and force everybody to use the space wasting
Yuppie Skype.
I will be searching for a skin with a compact look. If you find
one, please tell me!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Tennessee mom put 8-month-old baby in 
neighbor's unused outdoor freezer

Today, January 16 in
1920 Prohibition went into effect in the U.S. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. [info][add][mail][note]Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965) Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. --- Peter Ustinov A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men. --- Socratex ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Doc for this classic: Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Anni wanted a divorce from Sam. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?" "Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot." "That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?" "Prove it? Why everybody knows it." "If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." Sam shouted out, "She did too!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brittany C. Smith, 19, Johnson City, Tennessee Tennessee mom put 8-month-old baby in neighbor's unused outdoor freezer, closed lid A Tennessee mom is facing a child abuse charge after deputies said she put her baby in a backyard freezer on someone else's property. According to WJHL-TV, Brittany C. Smith, 19, of Johnson City, was arrested Jan. 3 after a resident saw her with the baby near the outdoor freezer, authorities said. Witnesses said they found Smith alone in a crawlspace and the 8-month-old in the freezer, which had a closed lid and "about an inch of water in the bottom," the news station reported. The condition of the baby, who was hospitalized, was not immediately known, WJHL reported. Smith was charged with child abuse and neglect, burglary and a probation violation, according to the Washington County Sheriff's Office.
From: Rea Re: MS Office Requirement in school Dear DearWebby, At my daughter's school they are requiring kids to buy or rent Microsoft Office and claim that industry and commerce use MS Office and not "hundreds of different wannabe programs". Obviously she has been bribed by the local MS seller and has no clue about reality. At the place I work, for example, we have used Office Libre for years. It works just fine, and I don't give hiring preferences to people, who are limited to MS Office. I prefer people, who can get the work done and who don't waste time whining about poor Microsoft. What do you think I should do about my daughter? Rea Dear Rea You can make a stink in the local paper. Most likely a lot of parents will feel the same as you. You can also tell your daughter to just save her work in Microsoft format. She can do the work in Libre format and then save it as Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel, etc. That way she learns in the way industry and commerce works, but to her teacher it looks as if she had paid for Microsoft office. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock foot- ball game."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Saucer Decoupage Picture Frame If you any have saucers without a cup, you can cut a family picture to fit in the center of the saucer. Glue the picture to the saucer and decorate around the picture. Let it dry and then give it a coating of decoupage. Let that dry and apply a second coating. Cheap spar varnish, the type of varnish that is mopped onto hardwood decks of boats, will work fine too. It is not quite as clear as expensive decoupage, but extremely durable. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
These wire sculptures are amazing!
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends'. ___________________________________________________ They do it differently in Scottland! Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his wife. Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that. His reply was, "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I want to buy bullets for." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Grammar Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Little Johnny: "Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack, the preacher ran off to a mission in Africa and the neighbor's wife shot him." ___________________________________________________

Today January 16 in
1547 Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia. 

1572 The Duke of Norfolk was tried for treason for complicity in
the Ridolfi plot to restore Catholicism in England. He was
executed on June 2. 

1809 The British defeated the French at the Battle of Corunna, in
the Peninsular War. 

1866 Mr. Everett Barney patented the metal screw, clamp skate. 

1896 The first five-player college basketball game was played at
Iowa City, IA. 

1900 The U.S. Senate consented to the Anglo-German treaty of
1899, by which the U.K. renounced rights to the Samoan islands. 

1919 The 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which
prohibited the sale or transportation of alcoholic beverages, was
ratified. It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment. 

1920 Prohibition went into effect in the U.S. 

1925 Leon Trotsky was dismissed as Chairman of the Revolutionary
Council of the USSR. 

1944 General Dwight D. Eisenhower took command of the Allied
invasion force in London. 

z 1970 Colonel Muammar el-Quaddafi became virtual president of

1970 Buckminster Fuller, the designer of the geodesic dome, was
awarded the Gold Medal of the American Institute of Architects.
Millions of hippies built a dome and came to the conclusion that
it was interesting, but rather useless.

1979 The Shah of Iran and his family fled Iran for Egypt. 

1982 Britain and the Vatican resumed full diplomatic relations
after a break of over 400 years. 

1985 "Playboy" magazine announced its 30-year tradition of
stapling centerfold models in the bellybutton and elsewhere would
come to an immediate end. 

1988 Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder was fired as a CBS sports
commentator one day after telling a TV station in Washington, DC,
that, during the era of slavery, blacks had been bred to produce
stronger offspring. 

1998 Researchers announce that an altered gene helped to defend
against HIV. 

1991 The White House announced the start of Operation Desert
Storm. The operation was designed to drive Iraqi forces out of

1992 Officials of the government of El Salvador and rebel leaders
signed a pact in Mexico City ending 12 years of civil war. At
least 75,000 people were killed during the fighting. 

1998 The first woman to enroll at Virginia Military Institute
withdrew from the school. 

1998 NASA officially announced that John Glenn would fly aboard
the space shuttle Discovery in October. 

1998 It was announced that Texas would receive $15.3 billion in a
tobacco industry settlement. The payouts were planned to take
place over 25 years. 

1998 Three federal judges secretly granted Kenneth Starr
authority to probe whether U.S. President Clinton or Vernon
Jordan urged Monica Lewinsky to lie about her relationship with

2002 U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that John
Walker Lindh would be brought to the United States to face trial.
He was charged in U.S. District Court in Alexandria, VA, with
conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens, providing support to terrorist
organizations, and engaging in prohibited transactions with the
Taliban of Afghanistan. 

2002 The U.N. Security Council unanimously adopted sanctions
against Osama bin Laden, his terror network and the remnants of
the Taliban. The sanctions required that all nations impose arms
embargoes and freeze their finances. 

2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 500 million applications

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Open \ Libre Office compatibility with Word 

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, January 15

Today's Bonehead Award: 
2 women arrested after stealing 
during ‘Shop with a Cop’ event

Today, January 15 in
1973 U.S. President Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S.
offensive action in North Vietnam. He cited progress in peace
negotiations as the reason. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. --- Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972) As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Vicky for this story: I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I tried to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on My Computer, the Add/Uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So I decided to go to the computer store to see if I could buy one. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked if I was trying to get smart with her. Then she said, rather rudely I thought, that she could not help me and walked away. Huh, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, the salesguy kind of sniggered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him, 'Yeah, maybe that, but I think I already have one installed'. He started laughing and said something about me killing him. 'You're killing me' -- like that, and walked away. Hmmm, must be out of stock here, too. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck but I had fallen off the wagon a few times. He said that explains it and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like 'idiot' under his breath and walked away. Anyway, I figured they must not carry them in stores, maybe I have to order from a catalogue or something. That's where I am now. So, if any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it. Vicky _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by 40-year-old Keiana Wilson 18-year-old Dana Johnson. Keego Harbor, Michigan 2 women arrested after stealing during ‘Shop with a Cop’ event Police have arrested two women accused of stealing from a Michigan department store with officers just feet away. Keego Harbor Police said officers from four different departments were participating in a Shop with a Cop event at a Target, where they took 22 disadvantaged people Christmas shopping. However, while they were shopping, officers said, they were notified that two women were accused of trying to steal $1,900 in electronics. “The loss prevention (officers) actually apprehended them, then they asked for police assistance,” Sylvan Lake Police Sgt. Michael Mondeau told the Detroit Free Press. “The police officers were only about 20 feet away when they tried to walk out of the store.” Officers arrested the two women, identified as 40-year-old Keiana Wilson and 18-year-old Dana Johnson. The two women appeared in court and bond was set at $250,000 for Johnson and $20,000 for Wilson
From: Ron Re: Libre Office Compatibility Dear DearWebby, Does Libre/Open Office work with Word o.k., opening attachments, and documents? Thank you for suggesting it. Ron Dear William Dear Ron yes, sure! It goes even further than WORD. You can make PDF files without having to shell out big bucks for Adobe. You can even pick up an MS-WORD doc, open it with OpenOffice and save it as a PDF file. Not everybody is stuck in the MS-Mud ! With more and more companies upgrading from MS-Office to Open Office or Star Office (Open office + Support package provided by SUN), the schools are again at the same spot where they were a dozen years ago, when they finally realized that very few of the students would encounter a school type Mac computer in real life after school. For industry and commerce the future is quite clear. Are you going to pay $500 + per seat for MS-Office, or get 15% MORE horsepower from Libre/Open Office for free ? For a 1000 employee company, that is a half Million Dollar question with a very predictable answer. Just like MS-Office has it's quirks and peculiarities, so does Open office. The switch is not quite "Same stuff, different color", but requires about the same amount of learning and adjusting as a version upgrade while staying with the same program. That is definitely no deterrent to switching. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem." "I don't have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?" "For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Spices and Seasoning One of the keys to cooking from scratch is having a good supply of quality spices. Keep an eye open for sales or buy spices in large containers from a warehouse store or by weight in some health stores and refill your spice bottles. ____________________________________________________
This is your Daily Dose of internet.
___________________________________________________ A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's butt." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!" ___________________________________________________ You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For non-cowboy types..the container for this 'snuff' is a 3" diameter, 3/4 inch thick round can, and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket) Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Western Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well, come on, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sen- tence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants." ___________________________________________________

Today January 15 in
1559 England's Queen Elizabeth I (Elizabeth Tudor) was crowned in
Westminster Abbey. 

1624 Many riots occurred in Mexico when it was announced that all
churches were to be closed. 

1777 The people of New Connecticut (now the state of Vermont)
declared their independence. 

1863 "The Boston Morning Journal" became the first paper in the
U.S. to be published on wood pulp paper. 

1870 A cartoon by Thomas Nast titled "A Live Jackass Kicking a
Dead Lion" appeared in "Harper's Weekly." The cartoon used the
donkey to symbolize the Democratic Party for the first time. 

1892 "Triangle" magazine in Springfield, MA, published the rules
for a brand new game. The original rules involved attaching a
peach baskets to a suspended board. It is now known as

1913 The first telephone line between Berlin and New York was

1936 The first, all glass, windowless building was completed in
Toledo, OH. The building was the new home of the Owens-Illinois
Glass Company Laboratory. 

1943 The Pentagon was dedicated as the world's largest office
building just outside Washington, DC, in Arlington, VA. The
structure covers 34 acres of land and has 17 miles of corridors. 

1955 The first American solar-heated, radiation-cooled house was
built by Raymond Bliss in Tucson, AZ. 

1973 U.S. President Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S.
offensive action in North Vietnam. He cited progress in peace
negotiations as the reason. 

1986 President Reagan signed legislation making Martin Luther
King, Jr.'s birthday a national holiday to be celebrated on the
third Monday of January. 

1987 Paramount Home Video reported that it would place a
commercial at the front of one of its video releases for the
first time. It was a 30-second Diet Pepsi ad at the beginning of
"Top Gun." 

2001 Wikipedia was launched. 

2003 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Congress had
permission to repeatedly extend copyright protection. 

2006 NASA's Stardust space probe mission was completed when it's
sample return capsule returned to Earth with comet dust from
comet Wild 2. 

2018  smiled.

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Page hijackers 

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 14

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Fake pastor carrying drug-filled 
Bible visited jail. Got to stay.

Today, January 14 in
1784 The United States ratified a peace treaty with 
England ending the Revolutionary War. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this keen insight: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and After marriage. ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express lane check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests. - The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex- actly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by James A. Morman III, 28, Laurinburg, N.C Fake pastor carrying drug-filled Bible visited jail. Got to stay. Authorities say a man posing as a pastor tried to smuggle drugs into a North Carolina jail by hiding them in a Bible. News outlets cite a Facebook post from the Scotland County Detective Division that says 28-year-old James A. Morman III visited the Scotland County jail on Dec. 31 in the guise of a minister. A search of the Bible he toted revealed Suboxone strips inside. Authorities then conducted a sweep of the entire detention facility, and a number of illegal substances and contraband were located. It’s unclear whether Morman had visited the jail before with other drug-filled Bibles. Morman and jail inmate Bryson Brown have been charged in connection with the operation. Authorities say additional charges are expected.
While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick--resealed in Seattle." From: William Re: Page Hijacker Dear DearWebby, I have problem with an exe file. When I attempt to go to a website off of Google , it directs me to a porn site. How do I rid myself of this executable? I've tried to remove it but it says that it is in use. Thanks William Dear William Your machine is infected with malware, a hijacker. Possibly you agreed to it in the small print of something you installed. Once you have agreed to it, as a form of payment for something you received. Spybot is not legally allowed to remove it. The courts consider it a negotiated and agreed form of payment, owed to the company from whom you got something or other. There are probably some guerilla methods for getting rid of that page hijacker, but without knowing the name of it, it is impossible to guess which one you sold your soul to. There are way too many page hijackers floating around. Try MalwareBytes. Even the free trial will probably clean up your machine quite nicely. In the meantime, use the Chinese Maxthon browser. It resists a lot of the hijackers. Also keep in mind that if you use Ad Blockers, some sites retaliate and send you off to unexpected sites. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!" The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his parents."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar. As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Use ATMs During The Day Limit your risk of being robbed by avoiding ATM or cash machines at night. If you have to use an ATM at night, find one in a well lit, well traveled area. People walking away from an ATM are particularly vulnerable because criminals know that they have cash. ____________________________________________________
The Life and Times of Brighty, the Grand Canyon’s Most Legendary Burro
___________________________________________________ Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "Lions are pretty tough. The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it." ___________________________________________________ Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her. "Wasn't for me, after all," he said. She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe. Then he added, "It was a wrong number." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!" ___________________________________________________

Today January 14 in
1784 The United States ratified a peace treaty with England
ending the Revolutionary War. 

1873 John Hyatt's 1869 invention ‘Celluloid’ was registered as a

1878 Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone for
Britain's Queen Victoria. 

1882 The Myopia Hunt Club, in Winchester, MA, became the first
country club in the United States. 

1907 An earthquake killed over 1,000 people in Kingston, Jamaica.

1943 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first U.S.
President to fly in an airplane while in office. He flew from
Miami, FL, to French Morocco where he met with British Prime
Minister Winston Churchill to discuss World War II. 

1953 Josip Broz Tito was elected president of Yugoslavia by the
country's Parliament. 

1954 Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were married. The marriage
only lasted nine months. 

1954 The Hudson Motor Car Company merged with Nash-Kelvinator.
The new company was called the American Motors Corporation. 

1969 An explosion aboard the U.S. aircraft carrier Enterprise off
Hawaii killed 25 crew members. 

1985 Martina Navratilova won her 100th tournament. She joined
Jimmy Connors and Chris Evert Lloyd as the only professional
tennis players to win 100 tournaments. 

1986 "Rambo: First Blood, Part II" arrived at video stores. It
broke the record set by "Ghostbusters", for first day orders.
435,000 copies of the video were sold. 

1994 U.S. President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin
signed Kremlin accords to stop aiming missiles at any nation and
to dismantle the nuclear arsenal of Ukraine. 

1996 Jorge Sampaio was elected president of Portugal. 

1996 Juan Garcia Abrego was arrested by Mexican agents. The
alleged drug lord was handed over to the FBI the next day. 

1998 Whitewater prosecutors questioned Hillary Rodham Clinton at
the White House for 10 minutes about the gathering of FBI
background files on past Republican political appointees. 

1998 In Dallas, researchers report an enzyme that slows the aging
process and cell death. 

1999 The impeachment trial of U.S. President Clinton began in
Washington, DC. 

1999 The U.S. proposed the lifting of the U.N. ceilings on the
sale of oil in Iraq. The restriction being that the money be used
to buy medicine and food for the Iraqi people. 

2000 A U.N. tribunal sentenced five Bosnian Croats to up to 25
years for the 1993 massacre of over 100 Muslims in a Bosnian

2004 In St. Louis, a Lewis and Clark Exhibition opened at the
Missouri History Museum. The exhibit featured 500 rare and
priceless objects used by the Corps of Discovery. 

2005 A probe, from the Cassini-Huygens mission, sent back
pictures during and after landing on Saturn's moon Titan. The
mission was launched on October 15, 1997.

2018  smiled.

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What is UBE? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, January 13

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Floriduh woman breaks into police station, 
eats officer’s lunch, forgets her ID there

Today, January 13 in
1942 Henry Ford patented the plastic automobile referred to as
the "Soybean Car." The car was 30% lighter than the average car.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away. --- Thomas Fuller (1608 - 1661) Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? --- James Thurber ______________________________________________________ This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ IN THE veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder. "We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card." ______________________________________________________ Do I hear a can opener? _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Yvelande Jean-Pierre 29, Boynton Beach, FloriDUH Floriduh woman breaks into police station, eats officer’s lunch, forgets her ID there Many of us have had to deal with a co-worker eating our food at work, but what about a burglar doing it? Boynton Beach police arrested 29-year-old Yvelande Jean-Pierre, Wednesday for just that. 1st mistake - breaking into our substation. 2nd - eating Agent Berben's chicken & asparagus. 3rd - leaving her ID behind. Today, we charged Yvelande Jean-Pierre w/burglary to an unoccupied structure, theft & criminal mischief. According to police, Jean-Pierre broke into a substation and stole two pre-made meals belonging to an officer from the refrigerator. She actually warmed one up and ate it. Upon finding the scene the next day, detectives discovered Jean- Pierre left her ID behind. Police also said Jean-Pierre was caught on surveillance video. Jean-Pierre has since been charged with burglary, theft and criminal mischief.
From: Angel Re: UBE Dear DearWebby, What is this all about? Subject: Considered UNSOLICITED BULK EMAIL, apparently from you From: "Content-filter at" Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:07:48 +0200 (SAST) X-Virus-Scanned: ClamAV using ClamSMTP A message from to: -> was considered unsolicited bulk e-mail (UBE). Angel Dear Angel The NOI (Ninjas Of Ineptitude) at censored your subscription, probably because it had educational content. Please tell the NOI to whitelist, because the subject line and the Tech Support Pits column frequently have educational information about avoiding undesired email or software. Try to use small words and explain to them, that mail, which is about how to avoid bad stuff, is not bad stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years. The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?" "Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home drunk." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Lay Outfits Out the Night Before If they get into the habit of laying out their outfit the night before it will make the mornings less stressful and help keep their room organized. For younger children, lay their outfit out for them. ____________________________________________________
People are Awesome! Best of the week.
___________________________________________________ Wife: "I'm going to try something new this summer with the dog and kids." Husband: "What"s that?" Wife: "I'm sending the dog to camp and the kids to obedience school." ___________________________________________________ 1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery. 2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. 3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. 4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. 7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? 10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 14. Without geometry, life is pointless. 15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Rubye for this story: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she has not been sober since." "My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ___________________________________________________

Today January 13 in
1128 Pope Honorius II granted a papal sanction to the military
order known as the Knights Templar. He declared it to be an army
of God. 

1854 Anthony Faas of Philadelphia, PA, was granted the first U.S.
patent for the accordion. He made improvements to the keyboard
and enhanced the sound. 

1898 Emile Zola's "J'accuse" was published in Paris. 

1900 In Austria-Hungary, Emperor Franz Joseph decreed that German
would be the language of the imperial army to combat Czech

1906 Hugh Gernsback, of the Electro Importing Company, advertised
radio receivers for sale for the price of just $7.50 in
"Scientific American" magazine. 

1928 Ernst F. W. Alexanderson gave the first public demonstration
of television. 

1942 Henry Ford patented the plastic automobile referred to as
the "Soybean Car." The car was 30% lighter than the average car. 

1984 Wayne Gretzky extended his NHL consecutive scoring streak to
45 games. 

1992 Japan apologized for forcing tens of thousands of Korean
women to serve as sex slaves for Japanese soldiers during World
War II. 

1998 ABC and ESPN negotiated to keep "Monday Night Football" for
$1.15 billion a season. 

2002 Japan and Singapore signed a free trade pact that would
remove tariffs on almost all goods traded between the two

2002 U.S. President George W. Bush fainted after choking on a

2009 Ethiopian military forces began pulling out of Somalia,
where they had tried to maintain order for nearly two years. 

2018  smiled.

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What is a Trojan? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 12

Thanks James!!

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, January 13 in
1940 Soviet bombers raided cities in Finland, 
causing Finland to ask Germany for help.  
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. --- Marilyn Monroe (1926 - 1962) One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. --- Larry Gelbart Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --- Jane Wagner ______________________________________________________ A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones having gone to see his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Young Love A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question his father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to stomp on it!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Rubye for this story: A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a private room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got male ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dejuane Ramel Wilson, 24, Wakefield, Virginia Virginia man leads police on high-speed chase across 3 counties A man led police on a high-speed chase Wednesday across three Southwest Virginia counties. Apparently, the pursuit from Pulaski County to Roanoke County was on his bucket list. “He said it was his lifelong dream to run from the police,” Virginia State Police Sgt. Rick Garletts said. Dejuane Ramel Wilson, 24, of Wakefield was arrested and charged with eluding police. Garletts said more charges could be filed. About 10:33 a.m., a 2013 Chevrolet Camaro failed to stop on Interstate 81 at the 104 mile marker after a sheriff’s deputy recorded the vehicle speeding in a work zone, according to Garletts. Virginia State Police took over the pursuit when the Camaro entered Montgomery County. In Roanoke County, at the 132 mile marker, police recorded the vehicle traveling 130 mph. State police cars in front of and behind the Camaro managed to stop it on the shoulder at the 138.7 mile marker, leading to a slight traffic backup. At 10:52 a.m., Wilson was taken into custody, Garletts said.
From: Roland Re: What is a Trojan Dear DearWebby, My brother claims he has the Trojan Virus in his computer. What is this, and what would you suggest he do to get rid of it: Roland Dear Roland A Trojan is rarely a virus. A Virus is a program, that doesn't just cause problems, but that also infects other machines. A Trojan is a back-door for spammers and hackers. It lets the hackers enter his machine and use it for sending spam in the background, while the clueless goof is cyber-sexing in the foreground. Naturally, he is not winning any popularity contest by hosting a spam spreader and having Millions of people sincerely wishing him bad luck. Any decent anti-virus program like MalwareBytes prevents Trojans from entering, even when he clicks on disreputable spam. They also get rid of Trojans that have already been installed. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
"Daddy," said Little Johnny, "I'd like to get married." "Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered Johnny. "Grandma." "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!" "Why not?" the Johnny asked. "You married mine."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Curling - Shuffleboard, bowling and janitorial work finally get their respect in this sport. In curling, a stone is pushed down a frozen playing area, which is 46 yards long and 14 feet wide, and the closest to the "button" wins. Members of the curling team are allowed to use brooms to sweep the ice ahead of the stone so it will go further. Another part of the sport is to knock an opponents stone away from the button. The earliest known curling stone, found in Scotland, dates back to 1511, and a 1560 painting by the Flemish artist Pieter Breughel shows a Dutch curling scene, complete with brooms. Breughel's painting, entitled "Sweep, Ye Drunken Bastards! Sweep!" is the earliest known visual representation of curling. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Start a Book Exchange A way to save money on books is a book exchange with friends and family. An easy way to do this is to set up an email list with everyone that wants to participate and post the books you have available to share to the list. It can be a fun social event and also saves you money. ____________________________________________________
Birds and more birds. I love birds.
___________________________________________________ Relation Chips I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me. II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back. III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else. IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird. V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee. VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee. VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone. VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends. IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house. X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW. ___________________________________________________ Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people waiting in my car!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist. ___________________________________________________

Today January 12 in
1519 Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian I died. 

1773 The first public museum in America was established in
Charleston, SC. 

1866 The Royal Aeronautical Society was founded in London. 

1875 Kwang-su was made emperor of China. 

1879 The British-Zulu War began when the British invaded

1882 Thomas Edison's central station on Holborn Viaduct in London
began operation. 

1895 The first performance of King Arthur took place at the
Lyceum Theatre. 

1896 At Davidson College, several students took x-ray
photographs. They created the first X-ray photographs to be made
in America. 

1904 Henry Ford set a new land speed record when he reached 91.37
miles per hour. 

1908 A wireless message was sent long-distance for the first time
from the Eiffel Tower in Paris. 

1915 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to
give women the right to vote. 

1915 The U.S. Congress established the Rocky Mountain National

1938 Austria recognized the Franco government in Spain. 

1940 Soviet bombers raided cities in Finland, causing Finland to
ask Germany for help. 

1942 U.S. President Roosevelt created the National War Labor

1943 The Office of Price Administration announced that standard
frankfurters/hot dogs/wieners would be replaced by 'Victory

1945 During World War II, Soviet forces began a huge offensive
against the Germans in Eastern Europe. 

1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that states could not
discriminate against law-school applicants because of race. 

1964 Leftist rebels in Zanzibar began their successful revolt
against the government and a republic was proclaimed. 

1966 U.S. President Johnson said in his State of the Union
address that the United States should stay in South Vietnam until
Communist aggression there was ended. 

1970 The breakaway state of Biafra capitulated and the Nigerian
civil war came to an end. 

1971 "All In the Family" debuted on CBS-TV. 

1973 Yassar Arafat was re-elected as head of the Palestinian
Liberation Organization. 

1986 Space shuttle Columbia blasted off with a crew that included
the first Hispanic-American in space, Dr. Franklin R. Chang-Diaz.

1991 The U.S. Congress passed a resolution authorizing President
Bush to use military power to force Iraq out of Kuwait. 

1995 Northern Ireland Secretary Patrick Mayhew announced that as
of January 16 British troops would no longer carry out daylight
street patrols in Belfast. 

1998 Tyson Foods Inc. pled guilty to giving $12,000 to former
Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy. Tyson was fined $6 million.

1998 19 European nations agreed to prohibit human cloning. 

1998 Linda Tripp provided Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's
office with taped conversations between herself and former White
House intern Monica Lewinsky. 

2000 The U.S. Supreme Court, in a 5-4 ruling, gave police broad
authority to stop and question people who run at the sight of an

2005 NASA launched "Deep Impact". The spacecraft was planned to
impact on Comet Tempel 1 after a six-month, 268 million-mile

2006 The U.S. Mint began shipping new 5-cent coins to the 12
regional Federal Reserve Banks. The coin has an image of Thomas
Jefferson taken from a 1800 Rembrandt Peale portrait in which the
president is looking forward. Since 1909, when presidents were
first depicted on circulating coins, all presidents had been
shown in profile. 

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Ad Blockers 

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, January 11
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thanks James!!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Police arrest man accused of sodomizing 
1-year-old girl he was babysitting

Today, January 11 in
1922 At Toronto General Hospital, Leonard Thompson became the
first person to be successfully treated with insulin. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. --- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995) ______________________________________________________ A little girl went to church for the first time. After the service, the minister asked how she had liked it. "Well," she thought for a moment, "I thought the music was very fine, but your commercial was too long!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Sent to Fort Knox, KY., for Army basic training, my fiancé, Roland, underwent standard adaptability tests. Once, he and five other trainees were told to don gas masks and enter a gas-filled chamber one by one. Inside, a drill sergeant ordered each soldier to remove his and recite his name, rank and serial number before exiting. Except for Roland, every trainee began coughing - eyes watering and noses running. The sergeant looked surprised that Roland was unaffected by the gas, so my fiance explained, "I'm from L.A." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" ______________________________________________________ Walmartian _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kyler Payne, 22, Michigan City, Michigan Man said he was too drunk to run from crash Porter police arrested a Michigan City man over the weekend on three misdemeanors related to drunken driving after he allegedly rolled his car and told police he tried running away from the crash but couldn’t because he was too drunk and injured, a report said. Porter police were called around 10:04 p.m. Friday to the area of South Mineral Springs Road and Wood Street for a report of a rollover crash, according to a report. Police said they found a car in the woods, west of the intersection, and Kyler Payne, 22, lying on the ground near the train tracks just north of the woods where the car was located. Payne was bleeding from his head and face but was coherent and speaking, police said. Payne allegedly told police he had approximately 14 drinks throughout the day and that after crashing his car, he was able to kick out the windshield and exit it. He reportedly told police the crash occurred because he was driving around 100 mph and did not realize the intersection was so close. Payne allegedly had a blood-alcohol content of .197 percent, police said; the legal limit is .08 percent. Police transported Payne to Porter Regional Hospital for medical treatment before taking him to Porter County Jail on preliminary misdemeanor counts of operating while intoxicated-endangering; operating while intoxicated with a blood-alcohol content greater than .15 percent; and operating while intoxicated.
From: Jim Re: Ad Blocker Dear DearWebby, Thanks again for all of your information and your jokes. Also thanks for helping Ophelia with her mailings. Wondering about blocking ads on firefox, facebook, etc. Is there a free program to do this? What are your thoughts about something like this? Thanks again, Jim Dear Jim Yes, there ARE ad blockers: Ad Blocker for for FireFox Ad blocker for Chrome Before you get too carried away blocking ads, consider the reason for ads. For example I make an average of $4.54 per month on the top ads. Not much, but every bit helps. Nobody is getting rich on ads since the Dot-Com-Crash in 2004. Up to then, ads were paid by exposure. So many Million exposures brought in so much money, Since then, and what caused the Dot-Com-Crash, ads pay only a commission. For example, exposing the ad for MailWasher does not pay a penny. When somebody does smarten up and buy it, then I get a couple of bucks. It is the same with all sites. They need to make money to pay the hosting bill. Only the political "news" sites like CNN, that are financed by Soros and Iran, don't have to worry about that. All other sites depend on ads. When you block ads, you block their groceries. Some ignore it, but not all. Some detect your ad blocker and send you off to a religious or porno site. You have to be aware of that. Ad blockers work, but you have to expect hostile retaliation. I just ignore ads, that I am not interested in. You can also block tracking. As you may have noticed, if you search for "Vatican", then Firefox will pester you with Vatican related ads for two weeks. If you don't like that, try and hide from the CIA and FBI, and see how you like that. The next step would be to try a VPN for a month. Then even Broom Hilda can't track you. You will be a real Internet Guerilla. With nobody able to track you, your ads will be reduced and definitely not about Vatican Porno. Some friends use and swear by this one: Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Here is a really old classic: Miss Suzie was teaching her class about whales...she told the class that although whales are the largest creatures on earth they have really small mouths and can only swallow krill and other small sea creatures. Little Johnny immediately stood up and told the teacher she was wrong. The teacher asked why? Little Johnny explained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Bible. The teacher told Little Johnny that was impossible as a whales mouth is much to small. Little Johnny argued that if it was in the Bible then it was true... but the teacher stood her ground. Little Johnny told her that when he went to heaven he would ask Jonah himself...and then the teacher asked Little Johnny what if Jonah went to hell? To which Little Johnny replied..."Then you can ask him!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Longer Life for Your Carpet - Vacuum Regularly Dirt helps wear down the fibers in your carpet. Vacuum regularly and place a welcome mat at your home's entrances. Also consider a "no shoes" policy. High traffic areas can often use vacuuming once a day while low traffic areas can be vacuumed a couple of times a week. ____________________________________________________
Let's take a trip to southern England.
___________________________________________________ When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy, a woman who is beautiful." I told him he'd better make up his mind. ___________________________________________________ The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors on duty. Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seaman entered Sick Bay. The sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good. "Good?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all. A guy came in with foot cramps and the doc cut off his foot." "And remember the guy with erysipelas?" asked the second Corpsman. "The doc lobbed off his right ear." The sailor turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be back later. I've just got a mild case of jock itch." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A little girl was overheard by her mother asking God to make Boston the capital of Vermont. "Why do you pray like that?" the mother asked. "Because I said so on my geography exam this afternoon." ___________________________________________________

Today January 11 in
1569 England's first state lottery was held. 

1770 The first shipment of rhubarb was sent to the United States
from London. 

1867 Benito Juarez returned to the Mexican presidency, following
the withdrawal of French troops and the execution of Emperor

1878 In New York, milk was delivered in glass bottles for the
first time by Alexander Campbell. 

1902 "Popular Mechanics" magazine was published for the first

1913 The first sedan-type car was unveiled at the National
Automobile Show in New York City. The car was manufactured by the
Hudson Motor Company. 

1922 At Toronto General Hospital, Leonard Thompson became the
first person to be successfully treated with insulin. 

1935 Amelia Earhart Putnam became the first woman to fly solo
from Hawaii to California. 

1942 Japan declared war against the Netherlands. The same day,
Japanese forces invaded the Dutch East Indies. 

1943 The United States and Britain signed treaties relinquishing
extraterritorial rights in China. 

1964 U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry released a report that
said that smoking cigarettes was a definite health hazard. 

1977 France released Abu Daoud, a Palestinian suspected of
involvement in the massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972
Munich Olympics. 

1978 Two Soviet cosmonauts aboard the Soyuz 27 capsule linked up
with the Salyut 6 orbiting space station, where the Soyuz 26
capsule was already docked. 

1986 Author James Clavell signed a 5$ million deal with
Morrow/Avon Publishing for the book "Whirlwind". The book is a
2,000 page novel. 

1988 U.S. Vice President George Bush met with representatives of
independent counsel Lawrence E. Walsh to answer questions about
the Iran-Contra affair. 

1991 An auction of silver and paintings that had been acquired by
the late Ferdinand Marcos and his wife, Imelda, brought in a
total of $20.29 million at Christie's in New York. 

1996 Ryutaro Hashimoto became Japan's prime minister. He replaced
Tomiichi Murayama who had resigned on January 5, 1996. 

2000 The U.S. Postal Service unveiled the second Vietnam Veterans
Memorial commemorative stamp in a ceremony at The Wall. 

2001 The Texas Board of Criminal Justice released a review of the
escape of the "Texas 7." It stated that prison staff missed
critical opportunities to prevent the escape by ignoring a fire
alarm, not reporting unsupervised inmates and not demanding
proper identification from inmates. 

2001 The U.S. Federal Trade Commission approved the merger of
America Online and Time Warner to form AOL Time Warner. 

2018  smiled.

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Phish redirected 

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, January 10

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Police arrest man accused of sodomizing 
1-year-old girl he was babysitting

Today, January 10 in
1840 The penny post, whereby mail was delivered at a standard
charge rather than paid for by the recipient, began in Britain. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person. --- Ethel Mumford Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is January 10, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Our 4-year-old daughter's surgery was scheduled for 11:30 a.m. We were becoming anxious as time passed and no one came to get her. Finally at 12:30, the surgeon arrived at her room. Knowing my husband is a minister, the doctor asked us if many people were praying for this surgery. Edgy from the delay, I said, "They were praying for you an hour ago." With a smile, he shot back, "Thanks. The 11:30 surgery went very well." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Usually there's no computer problem I can't solve. But I met my match when I turned on my machine and was greeted with the message "Keyboard not detected. Hit any key to continue ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jayson Newlun, 26, North Kansas City, Missouri Police arrest man accused of sodomizing 1-year-old girl he was babysitting A man in Missouri was arrested Wednesday on sodomy charges of a 1-year-old girl he was babysitting. Jayson Newlun, 26, was a family friend, according to court documents reviewed by KMBC. The parents of the girl told police they left Newlun alone with their daughter, who was asleep at the time, while they went to the store. The mother realized she forgot something and when they returned home, they found Newlun in the baby's room. The mother told police she saw Newlun sexually assaulting her daughter while photographing the act. The girl's father attacked Newlun, hitting him with a dresser drawer and punching him multiple times, according to the court documents reviewed by KMBC. A neighbor intervened and broke up the altercation until police arrived. The girl's mother allegedly asked Newlun why he did such a thing to her daughter and he said he didn't know. When she told him that she hopes he goes down for this, he agreed with her, according to court documents. Newlun was arrested on a statutory sodomy charge and taken to the Clay County Detention Center.
From: Eric Re: Phish diverted Dear DearWebby, I'm not sure if it was someone's idea of a joke or an actual phishing scheme, but I got a pretty standard phishing email, went to the link and put in some completely BOGUS info. When I hit the continue button, it took me to the wikipedia page about phishing. Of course, I reported the email to spam cop. Have you seen or heard of this? Eric Dear Eric Most likely Spamcop had contacted the webhost of that phishing site, and the web host then promptly confiscated the domain from the phishers, and redirected the entire domain to the wikipedia page about phishing, just to piss the phishers off. That is pretty well standard procedure with the better web hosts. However, while fun, it is not really a good idea to enter the info about some local politician, you are still telling them that your IP number is live. Best is to do like MailWasher and just flush the crap and forget it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Darlene for bringing back this Classic: THE POWER OF PRAYER? In a small conservative town, a man began construction so he could open a new Bar/Tavern. The local Church started a campaign to block the Bar from opening by daily prayers and working on petitions. Work progressed right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the Bar and burned it to the ground. The Church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, right up until the Bar's owner sued the Church on the grounds that it was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through "direct or indirect actions or means." The Church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. When the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing he commented, "I don't know yet how I'm going to decide this. It appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire Church congregation that doesn't!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Caring For Cut Flowers Cellphone Plans Review your cellphone plan once a year to make sure it still fits your needs. If you rarely use up your minutes you may be able to downgrade your plan and save 10 to 20 dollars a month. If you pay overcharges for going beyond your plans minutes then you might save money by upgrading your plan. ____________________________________________________
The secret world of pageant pigeons.
___________________________________________________ My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. So he he went to a stationery store and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had written on it with a red felt Mark-all: "Door signs require a permit from the Secretary." ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Marion for this story: My eleven-year-old son, Lee, wanted to check his height against mine, so we stood back back. When we turned around, he kept his hand in place and then exclaimed, "Mom, I'm up to the first line on your forehead!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Lori for this story: I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet." ___________________________________________________

Today January 10 in
1776 "Common Sense" by Thomas Paine was published. 

1840 The penny post, whereby mail was delivered at a standard
charge rather than paid for by the recipient, began in Britain. 

1863 Prime Minister Gladstone opened the first section of the
London Underground Railway system, from Paddington to Farringdon

1870 John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil. 

1901 Oil was discovered at the Spindletop oil field near
Beaumont, TX. 

1911 Major Jimmie Erickson took the first photograph from an
airplane while flying over San Diego, CA. 

1920 The League of Nations ratified the Treaty of Versailles,
officially ending World War I with Germany. It guaranteed that
Germany would start WWII.

1920 The League of Nations held its first meeting in Geneva. 

1927 Fritz Lang's film "Metropolis" was first shown, in Berlin. 

1928 The Soviet Union ordered the exile of Leon Trotsky. 

1943 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt sailed from Miami, FL,
to Trinidad thus becoming the first American President to visit a
foreign country during wartime. 

1943 The quiz show, "The Better Half," was heard for the first
time on Mutual Radio. 

1946 The first meeting of the United Nations General Assembly
took place with 51 nations represented. 

1951 Donald Howard Rogers piloted the first passenger jet on a
trip from Chicago to New York City. 

1978 The Soviet Union launched two cosmonauts aboard a Soyuz
capsule for a redezvous with the Salyut VI space laboratory. 

1981 In El Salvador, Marxist insurgents launched a "final

1984 The United States and the Vatican established full
diplomatic relations for the first time in more than a century. 

1986 The uncut version of Jerome Kern’s musical, "Showboat",
opened at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC. 

1990 Chinese Premier Li Peng ended martial law in Beijing after
seven months. He said that crushing pro-democracy protests had
saved China from "the abyss of misery." 

1990 Time Inc. and Warner Communications Inc. completed a $14
billion merger. The new company, Time Warner, was the world's
largest entertainment company. 

1994 In Manassas, VA, Lorena Bobbitt went on trial. She had been
charged with maliciously wounding her husband John. She was
acquitted by reason of temporary insanity. 

1997 Shelby Lynne Barrackman was strangled to death by her grand-
father when she licked the icing off of cupcakes. He was
convicted of the crime on September 15, 1998. 

2000 It was announced that Time-Warner had agreed to buy America
On-line (AOL). It was the largest-ever corporate merger priced at
$162 billion. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) approved the
deal on December 14, 2000. 

2001 American Airlines agreed to acquire most of Trans World
Airlines (TWA) assets for about $500 million. The deal brought an
end to the financially troubled TWA. 

2002 In France, the "Official Journal" reported that all women
could get the morning-after contraception pill for free in

2003 North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the
global nuclear arms control treaty and that it had no plans to
develop nuclear weapons. 

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Big downloads 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 9

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback

Today, January 9 in
1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting 
in public. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Irene for this story: My husband and I were at a restaurant and before we were seated my husband said he needed to use the bathroom he went off and did his business, When he finally returned I notice a very LONG piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants. Before I could say anything everyone started laughing and pointing, of course he still had no clue, that is until some young guy approached him, and asked him if he was receiving a fax! ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it." I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?" After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Sick Day I'm feeling sick and getting worse. I think I'd better see the nurse. I'm sure I should go home today. It could be fatal if I stay. I'm nauseated, nearly ill. I have a fever and a chill. I have a cold. I have the flu. I'm turning green and pink and blue. I have the sweats. I have the shakes, a stuffy nose, and bellyaches. My knees are weak. My vision's blurred. My throat is sore. My voice is slurred. I'm strewn with head lice, ticks, and mites. I'm covered in mosquito bites. I have a cough, a creak, a croak, a reddish rash from poison oak, a feeble head, a weakened heart. I may just faint or fall apart. I sprained my ankle, stubbed my toes, and soon I'll start to decompose. And one more thing I have today that makes me have to go away. It's just as bad as all the rest: I also have a science test. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Deanna Seltzer, 28, Lake Worth, Floriduh Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback A woman from Lake Worth is accused of attacking her parents with a knife for not taking her to Outback Steakhouse. Deanna Seltzer, 28, is facing two counts of aggravated assault, battery, and battery on a person over 65 years old. A report from the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Seltzer became enraged after she asked her parents to go to Outback on Wednesday afternoon. Her mom said "No." That's when Seltzer flipped over the glass dining room table and other furniture throughout the home. Deputies said she also hit her mom, grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her dad around the home, threatening to kill him. Her father eventually wrestled the knife away from her. Seltzer is free on bond. A judge ordered her to undergo a mental health evaluation within days of her release from jail.
>From Anna While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook." From: Steve Re: Big downloads Dear DearWebby, Is there a location to get a current copy of Libre Office from. I am not way savvy on this stuff & made a mess of trying to download it. It gave me several dowloading errors & I could not get it to open properly. Paying a fee for a clean current copy is no problem. Now that I have read your news letter I can go have my morning tea. Thanx, Steve J. Dear Steve It is a huge file, about 120 MB, and on slow dial-up will take a long time to download. If you have a neighbor or friend with a high speed connection, give them a blank CD and ask them to download it and burn it onto the CD for you. CD's are cheap, but shipping is not. Try to get one burned within walking distance. Personally, I would just start the download before you go to bed. By morning it will be finished even on a very slow dial-up. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots John, and count them yourself!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan, because hams were bigger in those days." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Caring For Cut Flowers Using pruning shears (not scissors), make a fresh cut at the bottom of the stem under running water. Strip away all leaves that will be below the water line so they don't rot. Change the water once a day and add 2 Tbsp. of sugar to act as a preservative. ____________________________________________________
Talented street art.
___________________________________________________ An elderly Dutch man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favours." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?" ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Andrew for this story: When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ___________________________________________________

Today January 9 in
1793 Jean-Pierre Blanchard made the first successful balloon
flight in the U.S. 

1799 British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger introduced
income tax, at two shillings (10p) in the pound, to raise funds
for the Napoleonic Wars. 

1848 The first commercial bank was established in San Francisco,

1894 The New England Telephone and Telegraph Company put the
first battery-operated switchboard into operation in Lexington,

1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting in

1905 In Russia, the civil disturbances known as the Revolution of
1905 forced Czar Nicholas II to grant some civil rights. 

1929 The Seeing Eye was incorporated in Nashville, TN. The
company's purpose was to train dogs to guide the blind. 

1936 The United States Army adopted the semi-automatic rifle. 

1940 Television was used for the first time to present a sales
meeting to convention delegates in New York City. 

1951 The United Nations headquarters officially opened in New
York City. 

1969 The supersonic aeroplane Concorde made its first trial
flight, at Bristol. 

1972 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth was destroyed by fire in
Hong Kong harbor. 

1972 British miners went on strike for the first time since 1926.

1981 Hockey Hall of Famer, Phil Esposito, announced that he would
retire as a hockey player after the New York Rangers-Buffalo
Sabres hockey game. The game ended in a tie. (NHL) 

1984 Clara Peller was first seen by TV viewers in the "Where's
the Beef?" commercial campaign for Wendy's. 

1986 Kodak got out of the instant camera business after 10 years
due to a loss in a court battle that claimed that Kodak copied
Polaroid patents. 

1991 U.S. secretary of state Baker and Iraqi foreign minister
Aziz met for 61/2 hours in Geneva, but failed to reach any
agreement that would forestall war in the Persian Gulf. 

1995 Russian cosmonaut Valeri Poliakov, 51, completed his 366th
day in outer space aboard the Mir space station, breaking the
record for the longest continuous time spent in outer space. 

1997 Tamil rebels attacked a military base in Sri Lanka. 200
soldiers and 140 rebels were killed. 

2000 ABC-TV began airing "The Mole." 

2002 The U.S. Justice Department announced that it was pursuing a
criminal investigation of Enron Corp. The company had filed for
bankruptcy on December 2, 2001. 

2003 Archaeologists announced that they had found five more
chambers in the tomb of Qin Shihuang, China's first emperor. The
rooms were believed to cover about 750,000 square feet. 

2007 Steve Jobs, Apple Inc.'s CEO, announced the first generation

2018  smiled.

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How to regognize scams 

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, January 8

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Minnesota robber remembers his mask too late

Today, January 8 in
1935 The spectrophotometer was patented by A.C. Hardy. It
standardized mineral and metal analysis.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) ______________________________________________________ An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said: "That was a really delicious meal! You must have a very good stove." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Quincy Gerrard Petty, 39, Roseville, Minnesota Minnesota robber remembers his mask too late A Bob Marley hat helped police nab a man suspected of robbing a Dollar Tree in Roseville on Christmas Eve, authorities say. Quincy Gerrard Petty, 39, also reportedly forgot to put his mask on when he first walked into the retailer on Larpenteur Avenue and told an employee at the register he wasn’t “playing,” court documents say. “Open your register, I’m robbing you,” Petty reportedly said. He later reached under his sweatshirt near his waistband and yelled: “If you put your hands down, ya’ll done,” according to the criminal complaint filed against him via warrant this week in Ramsey County District Court. A store employee recognized Petty as the boyfriend of another employee, authorities say. When he saw the man look at him, Petty remembered his mask and pulled it over his face, according to the complaint. Another man accompanied Petty during the robbery, the complaint said. They took off with about $2,000 after store managers emptied a safe, authorities say. They fled in a red SUV. Police tracked down a vehicle matching the description to a location near Petty’s girlfriend’s home, the complaint said. He and his girlfriend were found outside her residence, and Petty was arrested, the complaint said. While he had changed his clothes, he was wearing the same Bob Marley hat that store employees reported seeing on the suspect, according to an affidavit for a search warrant filed in the case. Officers also found a crumpled envelope with the word “robbery” written on it inside Petty’s pockets, along with two coin wrapping papers and more than $600 in cash mostly in $1 bills, the complaint said. Petty denied involvement in the robbery. His girlfriend said he was with her all morning and that the incident was a setup by the store in retaliation for a complaint she filed. Petty faces one count of second-degree aggravated robbery and a second count of simple robbery.
From: Lois Re: How do you recognize scams? Dear DearWebby, How do you recognize if something is a silly scam or if it is real ? Louis Dear Louis If there is a line that says: "Pass this on to all your friends." then it is a silly scam. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling, and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from No More Fishy Hands Get your hands wet and then rub salt on them before handling fish. It will make the fish easier to grip and will diminish the fish odor on them. When you are done rub your hands with lemon juice and then wash them with soap and water. ____________________________________________________
Injecting ink into water and filming with a high speed camera. Fascinating to watch
___________________________________________________ >From Martin in Minnasohta THE REAL REASONS IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET YOUR PASSPORT The State Department was involved in the effort to stop Jason Bourne. They needed to white out all the fine print that read "Made in China." It took time to make the holographic background extra sparkly. You have any idea how long it takes to think up a string of random meaningless numbers? We had to photoshop a turban on each picture to see if we got a match against the Known Terrorist List. There's a minimum two-week drying period once it's been sprayed with "new passport" smell. We needed to verify that the photo in your passport is actually more wretched than the one on your license. The extra help we hired came from FEMA. --------- He should have applied for a Canadian passport. I got mine renewed the same week! ___________________________________________________ Mom says we have two ears because we should listen twice as much as we talk. I always thought it was so we could let things go in one ear and out the other! ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
WHILE I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first. Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck." ___________________________________________________

Today January 8 in
1675 The first corporation was chartered in the United States.
The company was the New York Fishing Company. 

1790 In the United States, George Washington delivered the first
State of the Union address. 

1815 The Battle of New Orleans began. The War of 1812 had
officially ended on December 24, 1814, with the signing of the
Treaty of Ghent. The news of the signing had not reached British
troops in time to prevent their attack on New Orleans. 

1838 Alfred Vail demonstrated a telegraph code he had devised
using dots and dashes as letters. The code was the predecessor to
Samuel Morse's code. 

1853 A bronze statue of Andrew Jackson on a horse was unveiled in
Lafayette Park in Washington, DC. The statue was the work of
Clark Mills. 

1856 Borax (hydrated sodium borate) was discovered by Dr. John

1877 Crazy Horse (Tashunca-uitco) and his warriors fought their
final battle against the U.S. Cavalry in Montana. 

1889 The tabulating machine was patented by Dr. Herman Hollerith.
His firm, Tabulating Machine Company, later became International
Business Machines Corporation (IBM). 

1900 U.S. President McKinley placed Alaska under military rule. 

1900 In South Africa, General White turned back the Boers attack
of Ladysmith. 

1908 A catastrophic train collision occurred in the smoke-filled
Park Avenue Tunnel in New York City. Seventeen were killed and
thirty-eight were injured. The accident caused a public outcry
and increased demand for electric trains. 

1916 During World War I, the final withdrawal of Allied troops
from Gallipoli took place. 

1918 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson announced his Fourteen Points
as the basis for peace upon the end of World War I. 

1935 The spectrophotometer was patented by A.C. Hardy. It
standardized mineral and metal analysis.

1955 After 130 home basketball wins, Georgia Tech defeated
Kentucky 59-58. It was the first Kentucky loss at home since
January 2, 1943. 

1959 Charles De Gaulle was inaugurated as president of France's
Fifth Republic. Ten years later he became famous when he visited
Montreal and yelled "Vive le Quebec libre!" and implied, he would
help Quebec.
Well, he didn't, but he stirred up all kinds of trouble and a
dozen people got killed. Quebec has not been the same since that

1964 U.S. President Lyndon Johnson declared a "War on Poverty." 

1962 Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa was exhibited in America for
the first time at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC.
The next day the exhibit opened to the public. 

1973 Secret peace talks between the United States and North
Vietnam resumed near Paris, France. 

1973 The trial opened in Washington, of seven men accused of
bugging Democratic Party headquarters in the Watergate apartment
complex in Washington, DC. 

1982 American Telephone & Telegraph (AT&T) settled the Justice
Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest
itself of the 22 Bell System companies. 

1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush collapsed during a state
dinner in Tokyo. White House officials said Bush was suffering
from stomach flu. 

1993 Bosnian President Izetbegovic visited the U.S. to plead his
government's case for Western military aid and intervention to
halt Serbian aggression. 

1994 Tonya Harding won the ladies' U.S. Figure Skating
Championship in Detroit, MI, a day after Nancy Kerrigan dropped
out because of a clubbing attack that injured her right knee. The
U.S. Figure Skating Association later took the title from Harding
because of her involvement in the attack. 

1998 Ramzi Yousef was sentenced to life in prison for his role of
mastermind behind the World Trade Center bombing in New York. 

1998 Scientists announced that they had discovered that galaxies
were accelerating and moving apart and at faster speeds. 

1999 The top two executives of Salt Lake City's Olympic
Organizing Committee resigned amid disclosures that civic
boosters had given cash to members of the International Olympic

2009 In Egypt, archeologists entered a 4,300 year old pyramid and
discovered the mummy of Queen Sesheshet. 

2018  smiled.

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Which browser to design for? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 7

Thank You, Doug!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Floridian who asked police to test his meth 
is now a wanted man on the run

Today, January 7 in
1785 French aeronaut/balloonist Jean-Pierre Blanchard
successfully made the first air-crossing of the English Channel
from the English coast to France. He used a coal fired hot air
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. --- Christopher Hampton I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. --- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985) ______________________________________________________ >From Anna As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. "What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged. "I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, or the distance a baby can crawl when you turn your back. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Reg No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the head. ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Trish for this picture: Black swans in Australia _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Douglas-Kelly, 50, Hawthorne, Floriduh Floridian who asked police to test his meth is now a wanted man on the run A Floridian who actually brought methamphetamine to a police station to have it tested is now a wanted man, according to court records. Douglas Kelly, 50, was arrested last year on a felony narcotics possession charge. After posting $2500 bond, he was freed from the Putnam County jail. But when he failed to show for subsequent court hearings, a judge issued an arrest warrant for Kelly, who told police he lived in Hawthorne, a city about 15 miles east of Gainesville. Pictured above, Kelly was arrested after calling cops to say that he believed a meth dealer had rooked him. Kelly told investigators that he wanted to “press charges” against the dealer if a test determined that he had “been given the wrong narcotics,” according to a police report. Kelly explained to a Putnam County Sheriff’s Office deputy that he had a “violent reaction” after smoking what he thought was “speed,” but now suspected was Flakka, the synthetic stimulant. After detailing his concerns, Kelly drove to the precinct "to have the illegal narcotics tested," deputies noted. Kelly provided cops with a piece of aluminum foil that contained a “clear, crystal-like substance” that tested positive for methamphetamine. When police catch up with Kelly, he will likely face a second felony rap for bail jumping.
From: Elaine Re: Which browser to design for Dear DearWebby, there are so many browsers out there now that it is hard to decide for which one to design a site for. Each one seems to have a few things different, and it is too timeconsuming to study all of them. Elaine Dear Elaine If you design your pages so that they look OK on Chrome, then they will work fine for most of your visitors, no matter which browser they use. The FireFox fanatics know that some stuff doesn't work right, but they consider that a fair price to pay for religious fredom and the right to use a non-Microsoft browser. The same goes for Mac users. They know that the Safari browser has a few teeth missing and can't cope with Java as well as other browsers, but that is a battle scar that they learned to live with. As long as you don't use the newest and weirdest gimmicks, all browsers can display your stuff, if it is designed for Chrome. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --- Jay Leno
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
DETERMINED to have one last, lazy day of fishing before Christmas vacation's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate--household projects that had awaited me all year. When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH." "Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Storing Seeds Seeds that you didn't get around to planting this year should be fine next year if stored properly. Most seeds can be stored for 3 to 4 years. The key will be storing the seeds in a cool, dry, and dark place. Keep the temperature between 40 and 50 degrees F. ____________________________________________________
Your Daily Dose of Internet
___________________________________________________ >From Mona "WATCH OUT," I once cautioned my husband, Mike, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then I snapped, "Don't pass that truck -- his tire is wobbling." Mike turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. I had been in a nasty mood all morning because of a headache, and the incessant squealing of the CB was more than I could handle. "Why do you always get so much static?" I asked. "Because," Mike replied, "I'm married." ___________________________________________________ WHILE ATTENDING a convention, I breakfasted in a cafe, next to two gray-haired men from the same symposium. I overheard one remark, "You know, this is the first time in 40 years we've gone to one of these without our wives." His pal leaned back, contemplating what such freedom might portend. "I know," he said, laying his menu aside. "Let's have biscuits and gravy!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
DURING OUR Marine boot-camp class on combat gear, the drill instructor told us to put on the equipment we had been issued; then he would inspect us. Soon after, a frantic recruit, helmet liner in hand, ran up to the DI. "Sir," he began, "the private's helmet liner does not fit the private's head, sir." The DI, obviously perturbed that the recruit hadn't listened to his instructions on how to adjust the liner, looked into the Marine's face. "Okay, private," he said. "This is what I want you to do. Go into the gear locker, find a new head to fit your helmet liner and use that one!" ___________________________________________________

Today January 7 in
1558 Calais, the last English possession on mainland France, was
recaptured by the French. 

1610 Galileo Galilei sighted four of Jupiter's moons. He named
them Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto. 

1782 The Bank of North America opened in Philadelphia. It was the
first commercial bank in the United States. 

1785 French aeronaut/balloonist Jean-Pierre Blanchard
successfully made the first air-crossing of the English Channel
from the English coast to France. He used a coal fired hot air

1887 Thomas Stevens completed the first worldwide bicycle trip.
He started his trip in April 1884. Stevens and his bike traveled
13,500 miles in almost three years time. 

1894 W.K. Dickson received a patent for motion picture film. 

1896 The "Fannie Farmer Cookbook" was published. 

1904 The distress signal "CQD" was established. Two years later
"SOS" became the radio distress signal because it was quicker to
send by wireless radio. 

1927 Transatlantic telephone service began between New York and
London. 31 calls were made on this first day. 

1927 In Hinckley IL, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first

1929 The debut of "Buck Rogers 2429 A.D." occurred in newspapers
around the U.S. The title of the comic strip was later changed to
"Buck Rogers in the 25th Century." 

1932 Chancellor Heinrich Brüning declared that Germany cannot,
and will not, resume reparations payments. 

1935 French Foreign Minister Pierre Laval and Italian Prime
Minister Benito Mussolini signed the Italo-French agreements. 

1940 "Gene Autry’s Melody Ranch" debuted on CBS Radio. The show
aired for 16 years. 

1942 The World War II siege of Bataan began. 

1949 The announcement of the first photograph of genes was shown
at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles. 

1953 U.S. President Harry Truman announced the development of the
hydrogen bomb. 

1954 The Duoscopic TV receiver was unveiled this day. The TV set
allowed the watching of two different shows at the same time. 

1959 The United States recognized Fidel Castro's new government
in Cuba. 

1975 OPEC agreed to raise crude oil prices by 10%, which began a
time of world economic inflation. 

1979 Vietnamese forces captured the Cambodian capital of Phnom
Penh, overthrowing the Khmer Rouge government. 

1980 U.S. President Jimmy Carter signed legislation that
authorized $1.5 billion in loans for the bail out of Chrysler

1989 Crown Prince Akihito became the emperor of Japan following
the death of his father, Emperor Hirohito. 

1990 The Leaning Tower of Pisa was closed to the public. The
accelerated rate of "leaning" raised fears for the safety of its

1996 One of the biggest blizzards in U.S. history hit the eastern
states. More than 100 deaths were later blamed on the severe

1998 Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky signed an
affidavit denying that she had an affair with U.S. President

1999 U.S. President Clinton went on trial before the Senate. It
was only the second time in U.S. history that an impeached
president had gone to trial. Clinton was later acquitted of
perjury and obstruction of justice charges. 

2002 Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates introduced a new device
code named Mira. The device was tablet-like and was a cross
between a handheld computer and a TV remote control. 

2009 Russia shut off all gas supplies to Europe through Ukraine.
Prime Minister Vladimir Putin publicly endorsed the move and
urged greater international involvement in the energy dispute. 

2018  smiled.

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Reset toner status 

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, January 6

Thank You, Doug!

>From Lee
Recently I've seen strange tabs appear in my Firefox browser
saying my OS needs updating urging me to download something.  It
is from some strange site with a address.  I
delete the tab and move on.  But I hope others aren't falling for

By the way I use Malwarebytes Premium and do regular checks with

Happy New Year,

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Serious Bimbo Malfunction allegedly sent 
159K texts after single date, threatened 
to ‘make sushi’ of man’s kidneys

Today, January 6 in
1945 The Battle of the Bulge ended with 130,000 German and 77,000
Allied casualties. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage the morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged. --- Abraham Lincoln When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken. --- Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881) ______________________________________________________ Driving home from church one Sunday, the father turned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights, bar rooms and broken hearts." Knowing his son preferred more modern music, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only." As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message... written in Braille. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From GCF We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. "Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband. "Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is." ______________________________________________________ Lynx kitten ventured onto Tim's porch in Alaska _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jaqueline Ades, 33. Phoenix, Arizona Serious Bimbo Malfunction allegedly sent 159K texts after single date, threatened to ‘make sushi’ of man’s kidneys A woman accused of bombarding a man with 65,000 text messages after a single date is now believed to have sent more than twice that amount. According to court documents obtained by the Arizona Republic, then 31-year-old Jaqueline Ades, of Phoenix, sent the victim more than 159,000 texts – many of them threatening – over a 10-month period starting in July, 2017. “I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet,” one of the alleged texts read. Another read, “I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones,” according to police. Ades told investigators they met on a site called Luxy, which advertises that it can connect users with “verified millionaires.” In July 2017, Ades was found parked outside of the victim’s Paradise Valley home, police said. Officers found Ades still outside the victim’s home when they arrived and told her to leave, officials said. Shortly after, the man started to receive threatening text messages from the suspect. Police received a similar report in December from the same residence, but officers were unable to locate her. On April 8, the victim called a detective a third time, saying he was out of the country, but saw Ades in his home while checking his home surveillance video. When officers arrived at the home, the woman was taking a bath, police said. Body camera video obtained in a public records request by the Arizona Republic allegedly shows her telling an officer, “I guess that I made up a whole scenario in my head where I live here, so I came here and pretended that’s what was happening.” A large butcher knife was discovered on the passenger’s seat of her car, court paperwork said. She was taken into custody and charged with trespassing. Police noted in her arrest record that she showed signs of mental illness. After Ades was released from jail, she allegedly started sending more threatening text messages to the victim — some of the messages alluded that “harm may come to him,” according to KNXV. Less than three weeks later, the victim called authorities to report receiving multiple threatening text messages from her, court documents said. The man also explained that they met on a dating website, and after one date Ades began stalking and harassing him. The victim said that she sent about 500 text messages to him a day, court documents said. In one of Ades’ messages, she allegedly stated, “…Don’t ever try to leave me…I’ll kill you…I don’t wanna be a murderer.” She also said that she wanted to wear his body parts and bathe in his blood, court paperwork said. Ades is being held without bond at the Maricopa County Jail after pleading not guilty to charges of stalking and criminal trespassing. Her trial is due to begin in early February.
From: Michael e: Reset Toner status Dear DearWebby, One more thing you might want to tell your readers about laser printers: About a year and a half ago, my Brother printer complained that I needed to replace the black toner. I googled for how to reset the message without replacing the cartridge, and found a page that showed exactly how to do it. I have printed many hundreds of pages since then, without replacing the black toner. I have no idea how much longer this “empty” toner will last, but I’m not going to replace it until it is actually out. The process to reset the “toner empty” indicator varies between printers, and is not possible with some, but for any that do allow it, I highly recommend trying it. Aloha, -mkr Dear Michael Yes, some printers like those from Brother, count the pages and when you have printed enough to theoretically deplete the toner, they whine about it, If you just print orders or receipts, that use very little toner, the container may still be half full. They don't weigh the toner container, just use the counter. It is sort of similar to the orange idiot light in a car telling you to go to service after a certain number of miles. With some printers, like the ones from DELL, you have to take the chip from the toner container and replace it. Companies that sell toner refills, sell those chips for around $10. It is definitely worth googling about toner for your particular printer, before you spend money. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?" The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
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A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thawing Frozen Locks "Vegetarian" - An old Indian word meaning "poor hunter". ____________________________________________________
Animals behaving oddly in 2018
___________________________________________________ >From Nan I REALIZED the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that!" ___________________________________________________ We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our 28-member family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!" "Don't look where?" my brother asked. "There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web site!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
>From Chuck WHILE I WAS SERVING as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two-month-old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital. I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry." ___________________________________________________

Today January 6 in
0871 England's King Alfred defeated the Danes at the Battle of

1205 Philip of Swabia was crowned as King of the Romans. 

1540 King Henry VIII of England was married to Anne of Cleves,
his fourth wife. 

1838 Samuel Morse publicly demonstrated the telegraph for the
first time. 

1896 The first American women’s six-day bicycle race was held at
Madison Square Garden in New York City. 

1900 In India, it was reported that millions of people were dying
from starvation. 

1900 Off of South Africa, the British Navy seized the German
steamer Herzog. The boat was released on January 22, 1900. 

1930 The first American diesel-engine automobile trip was
completed after a run of 792 miles from Indianapolis, IN, to New
York City, NY. 

1942 The first commercial around-the-world airline flight took
place. Pan American Airlines was the company that made history
with the feat. 

1945 The Battle of the Bulge ended with 130,000 German and 77,000
Allied casualties. 

1950 Britain recognized the Communist government of China. 

1952 "Peanuts" debuted in Sunday papers across the United States.

1967 U.S. and South Vietnamese forces launched a major offensive,
known as Operation "Deckhouse V", in the Mekong River delta. 

1982 William G. Bonin was convicted in Los Angeles, CA, of being
the "freeway killer" who had murdered 14 young men and boys. 

1987 After a 29-year lapse, the Ford Thunderbird was presented
with the Motor Trend Car of the Year Award. It was the first
occurrence of a repeat winner of the award. 

1994 Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right leg by
an assailant at Cobo Arena in Detroit, MI. Four men were later
sentenced to prison for the attack, including Tonya Harding's ex-

1998 The spacecraft Lunar Prospect was launched into orbit around
the moon. The craft was crashed into the moon, in an effort to
find water under the lunar surface, on July 31, 1999. 

1999 The 106th U.S. Congress opened. The first item on the agenda
was the impeachment proceedings of U.S. President Bill Clinton.
The trial was set to begin January 7, 1999. 

2004 In the United Arab Emirates, construction began on the Burj
Khalifa skyscraper. Upon completion it was the world's largest

2018  smiled.

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Why do lasers take so long to start? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 5

Thank You, Doug!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Assault on workers at McDonalds

Today, January 5 in
1914 Ford Motor Company announced that there would be a new daily
minimum wage of $5 and an eight-hour workday. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. Anonymous, often attributed to Dan Quayle ______________________________________________________ A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. "The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her. "That late?" she snapped. "Why can't they schedule these things earlier so kids can enjoy them too?" "We don't want everybody in traffic to stare at the moon instead of watching for you and the kids on the road." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ ONE DAY after a heavy snowfall, this announcement appeared on the bulletin board in the nurses lounge of my local hospital: "Student nurses will please refrain from ever again using this institution's sterile bedpans for makeshift snow sleds." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by leaping to his feet and shouting, "Touchdown!" ______________________________________________________ Is he groping her front or her back? _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Daniel Taylor, 40, St Petersburg, Floriduh Assault on workers at McDonalds Assault at McDonalds The customer seen in a viral video accosting a female McDonald’s employee allegedly kicked a second worker in the stomach as he was being escorted out of the Florida restaurant on New Year’s Eve, according to police who arrested him on a pair of battery charges. Daniel Taylor, 40, was in the St. Petersburg restaurant around 7 PM Monday when he reached across the front counter and grabbed worker Yasmine James by the collar and “jerked her forward.” Yasmine is much shorter than Taylor. A video of the incident, seen above, shows James punching Taylor in an attempt to loosen his grip. After letting go of James, Taylor snaps his fingers at a McDonald’s manager and says, “Excuse me, sir. Gimme a refund.” When James later reappears at the counter, Taylor says, “And I want her ass fired right now.” As alleged in court filings, as Taylor was being escorted out of the restaurant by McDonald’s management, he kicked worker Tateona Bell in the stomach as she was standing near the exit door. The confrontation, cops says, “was captured on video.” Seen above, Taylor was arrested on two misdemeanor battery counts and booked into the Pinellas County jail (where he remains locked up in lieu of $1000 bond). A judge has ordered him to stay away from McDonald’s and have no contact with James or Bell. Taylor, listed as a transient in arrest affidavits, may have been under the influence of alcohol during his McDonald’s meltdown, cops reported. Taylor’s rap sheet includes convictions for lewd and lascivious behavior, passing bad checks, driving without a license, and failure to appear in court. Chances are good that Taylor will get tuned up in jail by McDonalds customers, who don't like it when boneheads assault young McDonalds workers.
From: Teddie Re: Why is a laser so slow? Dear Webby, Why does it take so much time before a Laser printer starts printing? I need one for the counter, because those ridiculous ink squirters are too expensive to operate, and they break down in half a year. Teddie Dear Teddie Lasers use a toner, which is basically a powder made from hard wax, magnetic powder and color pigment. The built in magic deposits the dry powder exactly where it needs to be, and then the hot fuser roller melts the toner so that it flows into the paper. What takes time is to heat up that fuser roller. If you print again in a few minutes, it will still be hot and won't take long to get to the right operating temperature. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for Texans?" One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please many of them. Actually, I STILL have that problem! ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thawing Frozen Locks If a lock outside has stopped working in cold weather, it might be frozen. Try heating it with a hair dryer until you are able to turn the key. You can also heat the key with a lighter or match before using. Be careful as the key will get hot. If it is your car lock, a zip-lock baggie filled with hot coffee and held against the lock for 60 seconds, will thaw it out quite nicely, without burning your fingers. DearWebby ____________________________________________________
How the Smithsonian Helped Sleuth Out the True Identity of a Pair of Dorothy's Ruby Slippers
___________________________________________________ SITTING IN HIS CAB waiting for a fare, my friend's husband, William, watched as a torrential downpour left lake-size puddles just off the curb of the busy street. Then the back door opened and a customer got in. As William asked the destination, the would-be passenger exited through the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles. "Thanks," she said. "Chivalry isn't dead after all." ___________________________________________________ >From Mary I HAVE a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief. "What's the matter?" I asked him. "Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
MY 50-SOMETHING friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "Did Aunt Helen go to Heaven or to Hell?" ___________________________________________________

Today January 5 in
1781 Richmond, VA, was burned by a British naval expedition led
by Benedict Arnold. 

1885 The Long Island Railroad Company became the first to offer
piggy-back rail service which was the transportation of farm
wagons on trains. 

1896 It was reported by The Austrian newspaper that Wilhelm
Roentgen had discovered the type of radiation that became known
as Roentgen Rays in Europe and as X-rays in America. 

1900 In Ireland, Nationalist leader John Edward Redmond called
for a revolt against British rule. 

1903 The general public could use the Pacific cable for the very
first time. 

1914 Ford Motor Company announced that there would be a new daily
minimum wage of $5 and an eight-hour workday. 

1925 Mrs. Nellie Taylor Ross was sworn in as the governor of
Wyoming She was the first female governor in the U.S. 

1933 In California, construction of the Golden Gate Bridge began.

1944 The London "Daily Mail" was the first transoceanic newspaper
to be published. 

1948 Warner Brothers-Pathe showed the very first color newsreel.
The footage was of the Tournament of Roses Parade and the Rose
Bowl football classic. 

1956 In the Peanuts comic strip, Snoopy walked on two legs for
the first time. 

1972 U.S. President Richard M. Nixon ordered the development of
the space shuttle. 

1987 U.S. President Ronald Reagan underwent prostate surgery. 

1993 The state of Washington executed Westley Allan Dodd. It was
America's first legal hanging since 1965. Dodd was an admitted
child sex killer. 

1996 Yahya Ayyash, a member of the Hamas in Israel, is killed by
a booby-trapped cellular phone. 

1998 U.S. Representative Sonny Bono died in skiing accident. 

2002 A 15 year-old student pilot, Charles Bishop, crashed a small
plane into a building in Tampa, FL. Bishop was about to begin a
flying lesson when he took off without permission and without an

2018  smiled.

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When shouold you switch to a Laser mprinter? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, January 4
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Indiana toddler left in freezing car in 
‘soaked’ diaper while mom was inside bar

Today, January 4 in
1951 During the Korean conflict, North Korean and Communist
Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. --- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) Imagination is more important than knowledge. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) ______________________________________________________ >From Elsa AS A NEW federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future politician? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tiffany Hebling, 29, Starke County, Indiana Indiana toddler left in freezing car in ‘soaked’ diaper while mom was inside bar Officers with the Knox City Police Department responded to O’s Tap on Main Street around 2 a.m. Sunday after someone spotted the child in a car that wasn’t running. Police say the temperature was 25 degrees. According to a police report obtained by WKVI, the baby’s diaper was soaked and no baby food, bottle or diapers were found in the diaper bag or car. Police say Tiffany Hebling, 29, was inside the bar. She was arrested and charged with neglect of a dependent and criminal recklessness. The baby was checked out by medics and released to her father. Police are reviewing the bar’s surveillance video to determine how long the baby was left alone in the car and how hard to throw the book at her.
From: Elsie Re: Ink or Laser printer Dear Webby, You mentioned a number of pages per month one time, that would be time to switch from ink to laser printers. But I forgot what that number was. And it probably has changed in the meantime. What is that number nowadays? Elsie Dear Elsie, if your old inkjet is still OK for fax and scanning, then you can buy a cheap single function network laser printer, and the magical number drops to one tenth of a case of paper per month. Toner has come down in price, but ink has gone up. It is so ridiculously expensive that some companies give you the ink jet printer free or almost free, so that they can hold you for ransom with the ink. During the first year you will feel paranoid about when your toner will run out. Keep in mind, most stores like Staples or BestBuy will sell Lasers with a cheapscate Mr Grinch type toner sample, that will run out shortly after you leave the store. Ignore that and get a proper toner replacement. THEN you will see how long it will last, and you will be pleasantly surprised. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
The woman needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting." Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped. "What's wrong?" asked my friend." "The traffic light's red," she replied.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Being in the bee removal business, I'm used to frantic phone calls, like the one from the woman whose home was infested with bees. "You don't understand," she said, explaining why she was so upset, "I have two small children here." "I do understand," I reassured her. "I have six children of my own." "Oh," she said, now calmer. "I guess you don't have the 'birds' part down yet." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Tax Write Offs for Home Businesses If you work from home, be sure to take advantage of any tax deductions that are available to you. For example, if you set up an office in your home that is only used for business purposes, you can write off the space on your tax return. Above all, save any and all even vaguely related receipts! Without a receipt, it does not count. However, with a receipt you can write off an allowance to junior as "Snow Removal", as long as he shoveled the driveway to the (home) office, or "Landscaping" if he mowed the lawn. If you provide coffee to "employees" and visitors, you can buy it in bulk and also write it off, IF you save the receipts. You or your accountant can always dump invalid receipts, but you can't do anything about the ones you forgot to save. DearWebby ____________________________________________________
The Internet's most viewed videos of the year.
___________________________________________________ The day a friend of mine was promoted, he arrived home to be greeted by his wife saying, "Welcome home, Colonel! "My dear, you needn't call me Colonel," he teased, "a simple Sir will do." For quite some time after, she addressed him as Simple Sir. ___________________________________________________ A doctor, received an emergency call from a patient: She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old folk remedy. "Pour warm olive oil in your ear and lie down for a couple of minutes," he said. "When you lift your head, the fly should emerge with the liquid." The patient thought that sounded like a good idea. But she had one question: "Which ear should I put the oil in?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?" And John answered, "Mom." ___________________________________________________

Today January 4 in
1850 The first American ice-skating club was organized in
Philadelphia, PA. 

1884 The socialist Fabian Society was founded in London. 

1936 The first pop music chart based on national sales was
published by "Billboard" magazine. 

1944 The attack on Monte Cassino was launched by the British
Fifth Army in Italy. 

1948 Britain granted independence to Burma. 

1951 During the Korean conflict, North Korean and Communist
Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul. 

1953 Tufted plastic carpeting was introduced by Barwick Mills. 

1957 "Collier’s" magazine was published for the last time. The
periodical was published for 69 years. 

1958 The Soviet satellite Sputknik I fell to the earth from its
orbit. The craft had been launched on October 4, 1957. 

1962 New York City introduced a train that operated without
conductors and motormen. 

1965 The Fender Guitar Company was sold to CBS for $13 million. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings
and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee. 

1984 Wayne ‘The Great One’ Gretzky scored eight points (four
goals and four assists) for the second time in his National
Hockey League (NHL) career. Edmonton’s Oilers defeated the
Minnesota North Stars, 12-8. The game was the highest-scoring NHL
game to date. 

1991 The U.N. Security Council voted unanimously to condemn
Israel's treatment of the Palestinians in the occupied

1997 The Greek Cypriot government signed an agreement to buy S-
300 surface-to-air missiles from Russia. 

1999 A drifting Nicaraguan fishing boat was found by the
Norwegian oil tanker Joelm. The fishermen had been lost at sea
for 35 days after the engine of their vessel quit working. 

1999 Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as
Minnesota's 37th governor. 

2007 Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the U.S. House of
Representatives. She was the first woman to hold the position. 

2010 In Dubai, United Arab Emirates, the Burj Dubai (Dubai Tower)
opened as the world's tallest tower at 2,625 feet. 

2018  smiled.

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Free Interior Design program 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 2

Thank you, Clyde!!!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Cowboy boot-wearing racist kicked black 
baby boy onto supermarket floor

Today, January 2 in
1872 Brigham Young, the 71-year-old leader of the Mormon 
Church, was arrested on a charge of bigamy. He had 25 wives. 
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. --- Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy ______________________________________________________ >From Ada MY 12-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was. A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The title of their project was "The oldest thing in my house." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ COLLECTED COMMENTS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. He knows the facts, but doesn't seem to understand why or how they occur. Philosophy might be interesting for a profesor, who is scared of reality. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Riff Trace, 31, Wichita, Kansas Cowboy boot-wearing racist kicked black baby boy onto supermarket floor A cowboy boot-wearing white supremacist kicked a one year-old black baby in the back and sent him tumbling to a supermarket floor, police said. Jhavii Whitaker was attacked from behind by Trace Riff, 31, as Trace screamed the N-word at the baby and his 11 year-old sister. Recalling the incident at a Dillon's supermarket in Wichita, Kansas, Sunday, Jhavii's mother Lashantai Whitaker said: 'I heard a thud like a loud thud, and I'm thinking it's something that fell off a shelf or something. One year-old Jhavii Whitaker was kicked in the back by a racist and tumbled to the floor while shopping with his mother and sister on Sunday 'But my daughter started to scream, so I turned around, and she was picking my son off the ground. He was screaming to the top of his lungs.' Lashantai, who is pregnant, was walking just ahead of her children when she heard the commotion, and turned around to hear her daughter screaming that Jhavii had been kicked. The impact had sent the little boy crashing face-down onto the floor, with Riff then alleged to have tried to run away. He was apprehended by shocked eyewitnesses who pinned him to the ground, with Riff reportedly screaming more racist slurs, and claiming to be a white supremacist. Lashanta told KSN: 'He was just referring to us as the N-word and just making it known that he was a white supremacist and repeatedly saying it over and over. 'What person is sitting around at the Dillon's waiting to attack children?' She added: 'I'm hoping that they give him time, and it doesn't happen to somebody else's child.' Riff, who has numerous previous convictions including DUI and domestic violence, was arrested and charged with ethnic intimidation, battery and resisting police. He has since been released on $3,500 bond, with no conditions, to the horror of his alleged victim's family.
From: Kay Re: Free interior design program Dear Webby, I am looking for a safe free download program to design rooms in my new home. For instance, new flooring, carpet etc. There are several offered on line, but not sure if they are safe. Thank you for all of your really useful information in you daily letter. Hope you have a blessed, happy and healthy New Year. Kay I am not familiar with any of those design programs. Google for Interior Design programs. You will probably find a few comparative reviews. By the way, stay away from carpets except at the entrance door, where you take your muddy shoes off, and in the bedroom to cut down the noise you make. For the rest of the house use cushion vinyl. Then you can use those flying saucer vacuum and mop robots. And most emphatically INSIST that the vinyl is pulled up 4 inches at every wall, instead of floor boards or trim, that creates black lines unless your maid scrubs off the black line on hands and knees. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. "Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while. "I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian. "Are you?" said the other, "you have a funny accent for a Scotsman."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water. As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, icy rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Serving Wine My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "I'd have to say the moon walk," I replied. She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?" ____________________________________________________
The 10 Weirdest Science Stories of 2018
___________________________________________________ A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone. Screeeech!" ___________________________________________________ >From Ella I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University. The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-shopping. I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton ...then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Judge: I thought I told you I didn't want to see you in this court again. Defendant: I told the policeman that, but he didn't believe me. ___________________________________________________

Today January 2 in
1492 The leader of the last Arab stronghold in Spain surrendered
to Spanish forces loyal to King Ferdinand II and Queen Isabella

1842 In Fairmount, PA, the first wire suspension bridge was
opened to traffic. 

1859 Erastus Beadle published "The Dime Book of Practical

1872 Brigham Young, the 71-year-old leader of the Mormon Church,
was arrested on a charge of bigamy. He had 25 wives. 

1879 Thomas Edison began construction on his first generator. 

1882 The Standard Oil Trust agreement was completed and dated.
The document transferred the stock and property of more than 40
companies into the control of nine trustees lead by John D.
Rockefeller. This was the first example of what became known as a
holding company. 

1890 Alice Sanger became the first female White House staffer. 

1892 Ellis Island opened as America's first federal immigration
center. Annie Moore, at age 15, became the first person to pass

1900 U.S. Secretary of State John Hay announced the Open Door
Policy to prompt trade with China. 

1900 The Chicago Canal opened. 

1917 Royal Bank of Canada took over the Quebec Bank. 

1929 The United States and Canada reached an agreement on joint
action to preserve Niagara Falls. 

1935 Bruno Richard Hauptmann went on trial for the kidnap-murder
of Charles Lindberghs baby. Hauptmann was found guilty and

1942 The Philippine capital of Manila was captured by Japanese
forces during World War II. 

1953 "The Life of Riley" debuted on NBC-TV. 

1955 Panamanian President Jose Antonio Remon was assassinated. 

1968 Fidel Castro announced petroleum and sugar rationing in

1971 In the U.S., a federally imposed ban on television cigarette
advertisements went into effect. 

1974 U.S. President Richard M. Nixon signed a bill requiring all
states to lower the maximum speed limit to 55 MPH. The law was
intended to conserve gasoline supplies during an embargo imposed
by Arab oil-producing countries. Federal speed limits were
abolished in 1995. 

1983 The musical "Annie" closed on Broadway at the Uris Theatre
after 2,377 performances. 

1991 Sharon Pratt Dixon was sworn in as mayor of Washington, DC.
She was the first black woman to head a city of that size and

1996 AT&T announced that it would eliminate 40,000 jobs over
three years. 

1998 Russia began circulating new rubles in effort to keep
inflation in check and promote confidence. 

2004 NASA's Stardust space probe collected samples from the comet
Wild 2. The samples returned to Earth on January 15, 2006. 

2008 The price of oil hit $100 per barrell for the first time. 

2018  smiled.

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Computer won't shut down 

Good Morning, !

Today is Tuesday, January 1

Happy New Year, !

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Maine Homeowner Finds Intruder Watching TV, 
Wearing His Clothing

Today, January 1 in
1987 A pro-democracy rally took place in Beijing's Tiananmen
Square (China). It did not go over well. Some people are still 
in jail.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
On the global warming hoax: It's all because of Bush's poor energy policy, that the people listened to and believed Al Gore! --- Hillary Clinton "Love is being stupid together." --- Paul Valery The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. --- Bertrand Russell Don't judge men's wealth or godliness by their Sunday appearance. --- Benjamin Franklin Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise. --- Francis Bacon ______________________________________________________ Tombstones: Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia : Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna. In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig six feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. In a Hartscombe, England cemetery: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God. In a cemetery in England : Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you, I'll not consent until I know which way you went. ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "You have proven to yourself that you are in truly awesome shape. If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Derek Tarbox, 35, Standish, Maine Maine Homeowner Finds Intruder Watching TV, Wearing His Clothing A Maine man is facing a number of charges after authorities say he broke into a Waterboro home, grabbed a bite to eat, took a shower, then got a car ride from his victim. Derek Tarbox, 35, of Standish, was arrested Sunday and is facing charges of class B burglary, two counts of unauthorized use of property, leaving the scene of property damage accident, failure to report an accident and theft by unauthorized taking. The York County Sheriff's Office said Tarbox was found watching television when a Bennet Hill Road resident arrived home Sunday. Authorities said Tarbox told the homeowner he mistakenly thought the house belonged to a friend and asked for a ride home. The homeowner told authorities that seemed plausible, so he drove him to a house in Hollis, which actually belonged to Tarbox's relatives. When the victim returned, he realized his home had been ransacked and that Tarbox had broken in through a back door. According to WCSH-TV, the homeowner called police and deputies and troopers were able to quickly apprehend Tarbox without incident. Through an investigation with Maine State Police, authorities also learned that Tarbox had allegedly stolen a vehicle in Portland prior to the break-in and ran out of gas in Hollis where he allegedly stole another vehicle and drove it to the Bennet Hill Road home where he went off the road and crashed. Authorities said that's when Tarbox walked to the victim's house where he broke in. Tarbox was expected to be arraigned Dec. 26. It's unclear if he has an attorney. He's scheduled to appear in Alfred Superior Court on Feb. 8, 2019.
From: Jaxs Re: Computer not shutting down Dear Webby, I have with my computer not shutting down. A times it tells me it is running a long string at that time it will time out and close the program and when i shut it down at night it stays in the shutdown screen, it stayed in that screen for 5 hrs till I turned off manually with the power switch. Any ideas? Jaxs Dear Jaxs That sounds like an infection. There is no mechanical part that can cause that. Probably some hacker is not quite finished with whatever he is doing. I would recommend that you run Malwarebytes. Try downloading it, then pulling the Internet connection or unplug the modem, and THEN run the install of Malwarebytes. Let me know if that dumps the slave master. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice." Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?) Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls." Pastor (incredulously...): " did what??? How in the world did they do that???" Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something." Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...!" Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!" Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can *we* do?" Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on the mice. I can probably do it if I can get enough little screws." Pastor: "WHAT?!?" Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana , and me being a Southern boy I should ge t the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on question #4, the Yankee put down, 'I don't know'. And you put down, 'Neither do I'." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Serving Wine Uncork red wine an hour before drinking so it can breathe and rise to room temperature. Chill white wine and open right before you are ready to drink it. If you have leftover wine, put the cork back in the bottle, it will keep for a few days. ____________________________________________________
HAPPY NEW YEAR Everyone! The Gavle Bocken (Christmas Goat)
___________________________________________________ An old Texan went to the local church and asked to join. The preacher said, 'OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first.' The first Question is 'Where was Jesus born?' The man answered, 'Longview.' The preacher said. ' can't join our church.' Soooooo....he went to another church and asked to join. The preacher said, 'We would love to have you, but you have to pass a Bible test first. Where was Jesus born?' The man said. 'Tyler.' The preacher said, ' can't join our church.' Soooo....he goes to another church and asks, to join. The preacher said, 'That's great; we welcome you with open arms.' The man said, 'I don't have to pass no Bible test first?' The preacher said, 'No.' The man said, 'Can I ask you a question?' The preacher said, 'Sure.' The man said, 'Where was Jesus born?' The preacher said, 'Palestine.' The man mumbled to himself, 'I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.' ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Gloria for this story: The best thing about moving back to my hometown was seeing so many familiar faces. One day, in the grocery store, I recognized a man who had been a good friend of my parents. He noticed me staring, so I quickly introduced myself as John and Helen's daughter. "Helen's daughter!" he exclaimed. "Oh, such a beautiful lady." He called to his wife, "Martha, come and see Helen's daughter. You remember Helen - such a beautiful lady." "Oh yes," Martha replied. "She was always so pretty." After raving on about my mother, he turned to me and said, "You look like your father!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. "What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!" ___________________________________________________

Today January 1 in
0404 The last gladiator competition was held in Rome. 

1622 The Papal Chancery adopted January 1st as the beginning of
the New Year (instead of March 25th). 

1772 The first traveler's checks were issued in London. 

1797 Albany became the capital of New York state, replacing New
York City. 

1801 Italian astronomer Giuseppe Piazzi became the first person
to discover an asteroid. He named it Ceres. 

1804 Haiti gained its independence. 

1808 The U.S. prohibited import of slaves from Africa. 

1840 The first recorded bowling match was recorded in the U.S. 

1863 U.S. President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation,
which declared that all slaves in the rebel states were free. 

1887 Queen Victoria was proclaimed empress of India in Delhi. 

1894 The Manchester Ship Canal was officially opened to traffic. 

1895 In Battle Creek, MI, C.W. Post created his first usable
batch of Monks Brew (later called Postum). It was a cereal-based
substitute for caffeinated drinks. 

1898 Manhattan, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island
were consolidated into New York City. 

1900 Hawaii asked for a delegate to the Republican national

1900 Nigeria became a British protectorate with Frederick Lagard
as the high commissioner. 

1901 The Commonwealth of Australia was founded. Lord Hopetoun
officially assumed the duties as the first Governor-General. 

1902 The first Tournament of Roses (later the Rose Bowl)
collegiate football game was played in Pasadena, CA. 

1909 The first payments of old-age pensions were made in Britain.
People over 70 received five shillings a week. 

1913 The post office began parcel post deliveries. 

1924 Frank B. Cooney received a patent for ink paste. It had been
used for many centuries, but nobody had bothered to patent it.

1926 The Rose Bowl was carried coast to coast on network radio
for the first time. 

1934 Alcatraz Island officially became a Federal Prison. 

1934 The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) began

1936 The "New York Herald Tribune" began microfilming its current

1937 The First Cotton Bowl football game was played in Dallas,
TX. Texas Christian University (T.C.U.) beat Marquette, 16-6. 

1939 The Hewlett-Packard partnership was formed by Bill Hewlett
and Dave Packard. 

1945 France was admitted to the United Nations. 

1956 Sudan gained its independence. 

1958 The European Economic Community (EEC) started operations. 

1959 Fidel Castro overthrew the government of Fulgencio Batista,
and seized power in Cuba. 

1968 Evel Knievel, stunt performing daredevil, lost control of
his motorcycle midway through a jump of 141 feet over the
ornamental fountains in front of Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. 

1971 Tobacco ads representing $20 million dollars in advertising
were banned from TV and radio broadcast. 

1973 Britain, Ireland, Denmark and Norway joined the EEC. 

1975 The magazine "Popular Electronics" announced the invention
of a personal computer called Altair. MITS, using an Intel
microprocessor, developed the computer. 

1979 The United States and China held celebrations in Washington,
DC, and in Beijing to mark the establishment of diplomatic
relations between the two countries. 

1981 Greece joined the European Community. 

1984 AT&T was broken up into 22 Bell System companies under terms
of an antitrust agreement with the U.S. Federal government. 

1986 Spain and Portugal joined the European Community (EC). 

1987 A pro-democracy rally took place in Beijing's Tiananmen
Square (China). It did not go over well. Some people are still in

1990 David Dinkins was sworn in as New York City's first black

1992 The ESPN Radio Network was officially launched. 

1992 In Kuala, Lumpur, the groundbreaking ceremony for the
Petronas Towers took place. 

1993 Czechoslovakia split into two separate states, the Czech
Republic and Slovakia. The peaceful division had been engineered
in 1992. 

1994 Bill Gates, Chief Executive Officer of Microsoft and Melinda
French were married. 

1994 The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) went into

1995 Frederick West, an alleged killer of 12 women and girls, was
found hanged in his jail cell in Winston Green prison, in
Birmingham. West had been under almost continuous watch since his
arrest in 1994, but security had reportedly been relaxed in the
months preceding the apparent suicide. 

1995 The World Trade Organization came into existence. The group
of 125 nations monitors global trade. 

1998 A new anti-smoking law went into effect in California. The
law prohibits people from lighting up in bars. 

1999 The euro became currency for 11 Member States of the
European Union. Coins and notes were not available until January
1, 2002. 

1999 In California, a law went into effect that defined "invasion
of privacy as trespassing with the intent to capture audio or
video images of a celebrity or crime victim engaging in a
personal or family activity." 

2001 The "Texas 7," rented space in an RV park in Woodland Park,

2007 Binney & Smith Company became Crayola LLC under its parent
company Hallmark

2018  smiled.

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Which is safer? Wired or wireless 

Good Morning, !

Today is Monday, December 31

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, December 31 in
1687 The first Huguenots set sail from France for the Cape of
Good Hope, where they would later create the South African wine
industry with the vines they took with them on the voyage.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. --- Jack London (1876 - 1916) On the global warming hoax: It's all because of Bush's poor energy policy, that the people listened to and believed Al Gore! --- Hillary Clinton ______________________________________________________ One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?' ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her and bring her back." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dave for this story: A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Am I too flat, or is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for this picture! Mount Ararat, erupting without a permit. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Charles Albert Garcia, 40, Big Pine Key, Floriduh Florida dope tried to prevent car search by locking keys into the car. A Florida Keys man pulled over for speeding Christmas Eve locked his keys inside his car when Monroe County Sheriff’s Office deputies told him they were going to search the vehicle, according to his arrest report. Charles Albert Garcia, 40, had reason to worry. Deputies found small amounts of cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, amphetamine pills and marijuana inside the Lexus, according to Deputy Jason Farr’s affidavit. Garcia, from Big Pine Key, was arrested on multiple felony drug possession counts, felony driving with a suspended license and misdemeanor marijuana possession and misdemeanor obstruction. He was released Wednesday on a bond of $64,000. He did not return a phone call seeking comment. Farr stated that he pulled Garcia over shortly after 11 p.m. Monday after clocking him on his radar driving his Lexus 70 mph in a 45 mph zone of U.S. 1 at mile marker 102 heading south. Farr asked Garcia for his license, but Garcia said it was suspended but would be reinstated soon, according to the report. He told Farr the Lexus he was driving was his father’s and he was returning home to Big Pine with Christmas presents. According to Farr’s report, Garcia’s license has been suspended since April 2012, and he had been arrested for driving on a suspended license three previous times. He also had a warrant out for his arrest for not showing up to court for a traffic violation, Farr wrote in his report. After Farr said he was going to search the Lexus, Garcia threw the keys inside the vehicle and locked the doors. A towing company unlocked the door, and deputies searched the vehicle, finding the drugs, according to Farr’s report.
From: Earl Re: What is safer, wired or wireless Dear Webby, Enjoy the humor letter, What is safer from hacking wireless or wired? Earl Dear Earl Wired is safer, though if you change your password frequently, wireless CAN be safe enough. Keep in mind, you are not a political target and no real experts are trying to hack into your stuff. You just have to close the door and lock it against casual drive by hackers. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in he ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Storing Potatoes Store potatoes in a cool (40F), dark place for months. Do not allow potatoes to freeze. Potatoes should be stored in a bin that is at least a few inches off the ground but not piled more than 18 inches deep. Where I grew up, most houses had a potato cellar that had at least a quarter of the floor just packed dirt. The rest, and walkways were concrete or boardwalks. Folk wisdom said that potatoes needed the gases emerging from the earth, otherwise they would not last until the next harvest. The potatoes were in wooden bins sitting on 2x4's. That trick worked fine for us and we always still had some old potatoes, when we started harvesting the new ones. Even if you can't grow potatoes, it's still worth storing them if you have a basement. By spring potatoes in the store often cost three times as much as at harvest time. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
We have strange customs....Picnicking in cemeteries.
___________________________________________________ >From Mary My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically. "We could pay off your Visa," he responded. ___________________________________________________ For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reser- vations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?" "Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon." "And how many adults and how many kids will there be?" she asked. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
>From Sandy I came across a letter that had been written to me 12 years earlier while I was in college. I still fondly remembered the sender -- a Shakespeare-quoting, truth-seeking young man -- and wrote to his parents, asking where I could contact him. My letter was returned promptly, with this note scrawled across the bottom: "Our son went on to law school and is a successful attorney. He is active politically, unmarried and, believe it or not, lives at home. PLEASE COME GET HIM!" ___________________________________________________

Today December 31 in
1687 The first Huguenots set sail from France for the Cape of
Good Hope, where they would later create the South African wine
industry with the vines they took with them on the voyage. 

1695 The window tax was imposed in Britain, which resulted in
many windows being bricked up. 

1775 The British repulsed an attack by Continental Army generals
Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec. Montgomery was
killed in the battle. 

1857 Britain's Queen Victoria decided to make Ottawa the capital
of Canada. 

1879 Thomas Edison gave his first public demonstration of
incandescent lighting to an audience in Menlo Park, NJ. 

1891 New York's new Immigration Depot was opened at Ellis Island,
to provide improved facilities for the massive numbers of

1923 In London, the BBC first broadcast the chimes of Big Ben. 

1929 Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians played "Auld Lang Syne"
as a New Year's Eve song for the first time. 

1946 U.S. President Truman officially proclaimed the end of
hostilities in World War II. 

1955 General Motors became the first U.S. corporation to earn
more than one billion dollars in a single year. The Unions made
sure they never did that again.

1961 In the U.S., the Marshall Plan expired after distributing
more than $12 billion in foreign aid. 

1974 Private U.S. citizens were allowed to buy and own gold for
the first time in more than 40 years. 

1978 Taiwanese diplomats struck their colors for the final time
from the embassy flagpole in Washington, DC. The event marked the
end of diplomatic relations with the U.S. 

1979 At year end oil prices were 88% higher than at the start of

1986 A fire at the Dupont Plaza Hotel in San Juan, Puerto Rico,
killed 97 and injured 140 people. Three hotel workers later pled
guilty to charges in connection with the fire. 

1997 Michael Kennedy, 39-year-old son of the late U.S. Sen.
Robert F. Kennedy, was killed in a skiing accident on Aspen
Mountain in Colorado. 

1999 Russian President Boris Yeltsin resigned. Prime Minister
Vladimir Putin was designated acting president. 

1999 Five hijackers left the airport where they had been holding
150 hostages on an Indian Airlines plane. They left with two
Islamic clerics that they had demanded be freed from an Indian
prison. The plane had been hijacked during a flight from
Katmandu, Nepal to New Dehli on December 24. 

1999 Sarah Knauss died at the age of 119 years. She was the
world's oldest person. She was born September 24, 1880. 

2004 In Taiwan, the Taipei 101 skyscraper opened to the public. 

2018  smiled.

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IE is no longer enforced 

Good Morning, !

Today is Sunday, December 30

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, December 30 in
1922 The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) was formed.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) - More quotations on: [Children] If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. --- Robert Pante Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. --- Thomas Jones We are none of us infallible--not even the youngest of us. --- W. H. Thompson ______________________________________________________ While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to jrc for this story: Subject: How journalists see things A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says - "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." "It was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and SOMEBODY had to save her." "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know", the reporter said, "and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you drive?" "A Harley Davidson." The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks To Sandie For This Story: Two Buddies Are Fishing, But They Haven't Caught Anything All Day. Then Another Fisherman Walks By With A Huge Load Of Fish. They Ask Him, "Excuse Me, But Where Did You Get All Those Fish?" The Other Fisherman Replies," If You Just Go Down The Stream Until The Water Isn't Salty, There Are A Ton Of Hungry Fish." They Thank Him And Go On Their Way. Fifteen Minutes Later, One Fisherman Says To The Other, "Fill The Bucket Up With Water And See If The Water Is Salty." He Dips The Bucket In The Stream And Drinks Some. "Nope. Still Salty." Thirty Minutes Later, He Asks Him To Check Again. "Nope, Still Salty." One Hour Later, They Check Again. "Nope. Still Salty." "This Isn't Good," The Fisherman Finally Says. "We Have Been Walking For Almost Two Hours And The Water Is Still Salty!" "I Know," Says The Other. "And The Bucket Is Almost Empty!" ______________________________________________________ How many people? _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Perez Johnson, 29, Aloha, Oregon Amazon delivery driver is caught with GPS stealing packages from home he delivered to Amazon delivery driver was arrested after stealing a bait package from a porch The bait package was tagged with a GPS device so sheriff's could track it Once Amazon delivery driver Perez Johnson, 29, was caught he admitted to delivering packages to the same home before The package was also tagged with an alarm that alerted deputies the package was snatched off the property Deputies found 18 other Amazon packages inside his personal vehicle They confiscated them and personally delivered them to the right receivers An Amazon delivery driver has been arrested after he took the bait and stole packages fitted with GPS devices. Perez Johnson was taken into custody after he snagged the tagged boxes from an unattended from a home in Aloha, Oregon - a property he had already delivered to. The incident happened in the area of Aloha around 6.40pm Sunday. The Washington County Sheriff's office also tagged the package with an alarm that alerted deputies as soon as it was snatched off the porch. While some thieves follow behind delivery trucks, the 29-year-old Amazon delivery driver, Johnson, admitted to taking the bait package after leaving a legitimate delivery at the same address, according to Oregon Live. When deputies tracked the GPS'd bait package they found it in Johnson's black Nissan Altima. They also found 18 other Amazon packages that never made it to their destination. The sheriff's deputies took the packages and 'personally delivered the remaining packages that had been found inside the suspect's vehicle to their addresses to avoid any delay in receipt.' Johnson was arrested and booked into the Washington County Jail on charges of second-degree theft. This is the fourth year the sheriff's office has implemented the theft protection program that uses GPS tracking to find packages stolen from people's porches. The Washington County Sheriff's office says it has doubled its bait packages to be left on doorsteps as the program has become more successful.
From: Frank Re: IE no longer enforced by Microsoft Dear Webby, First, I wish you a Happy and Healthy New Year. I've checked your toolbox 3 times, my eyesight is not what it was many years ago. I cannot seem to locate the IE blocking link. Peace Frank Dear Frank I took it down because it does not work anymore. Now you simply get Chrome or FireFox or Opera or Bing, or whatever browser you want to use, transfer your bookmarks or import them to the new browser, then UNinstall IE from the Control panel. It won't try to sneak back in. Even Microsoft has given up on IE and came out with BING. Bing works, and according to some people, is not as socialist tinted as Chrome. For now, anyway, it is not hurting your machine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Irene for this story: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Watch Shipping Charges With Online Auctions You can find good deals at online auctions but one trick that some sellers play is they offer a low bid price for the product, but have a really high shipping price. Never bid on an item until you have calculated the cost of your bid and the shipping charge. You got a month and a hyalf to plan and practise! ____________________________________________________
4000 year old desert cemetery in China.
___________________________________________________ A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." ___________________________________________________ After driving all night, a man arrived in a small town where he decided to stop in the local park and catch some sleep. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, was a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?" the jogger inquired. "Groggily, the man replied, "It's 6:27." The man closed his eyes and just as he dozed off there was another knock on the window. There stood another jogger who said, "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?", Struggling to keep up his spirits he replied, "It's 6:34." The man rolled up the window but realizing that this could go on indefinitely, he took paper and pen and created a sign which read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME." He stuck the sign in the window, closed his eyes, and was barely asleep when there came yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, there was another jogger. He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?" The jogger replied, "It's 6:42." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
>From Marina I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?" "Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!" ___________________________________________________

Today December 30 in
1460 At the Battle of Wakefield, in England's Wars of the Roses,
the Duke of York was defeated and killed by the Lancastrians. 

1853 The United States bought about 45,000 square miles of land
from Mexico in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.

1879 Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance" was first
performed, at Paignton, Devon, England. 

1880 The Transvaal was declared a republic. Paul Kruger became
its first president. 

1887 A petition to Queen Victoria with over one million names of
women appealing for public houses to be closed on Sundays was
handed to the home secretary. 

1903 About 600 people died when fire broke out at the Iroquois
Theater in Chicago, IL. 

1919 Lincoln's Inn, in London, admitted the first female bar

1922 The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) was formed. 

1924 Edwin Hubble announced the existence of other galactic

1927 The first subway in the Orient was dedicated in Tokyo,

1935 Italian bombers destroyed a Sweedish Red Cross unit in

1936 The United Auto Workers union staged its first sit-down
strike at the Fisher Body Plant in Flint, MI. 

1940 California's first freeway was officially opened. It was the
Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena. 

1942 "Mr. and Mrs. North" debuted on NBC radio. 

1944 King George II of Greece proclaimed a regency to rule his
country, virtually renouncing the throne. 

1947 King Michael of Romania abdicated in favor of a Communist
Republic. He claimed he was forced from his throne. 

1948 "Kiss Me Kate" opened at the New Century Theatre in New York
City. Cole Porter composed the music for the classic play that
ran for 1,077 performances. 

1953 The first color TV sets went on sale for about $1,175. 

1954 James Arness made his dramatic TV debut in "The Chase". The
"Gunsmoke" series didn’t begin for Arness until the fall of 1955.

1961 Jack Nicklaus lost his first attempt at pro golf to Gary
Player in an exhibition match in Miami, FL. 

1972 The United States halted its heavy bombing of North Vietnam.

1976 The Smothers Brothers, Tom and Dick, played their last show
at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas and retired as a team from show
business. Both continued as solo artists and they reunited
several years later. 

1980 "The Wonderful World of Disney" was cancelled by NBC after
more than 25 years on the TV. It was the longest-running series
in prime-time television history. 

1993 Israel and the Vatican established diplomatic relations. 

1996 A passenger train was bombed by Bodo separatists in India's
eastern state of Assam. At least 26 people were killed and dozens
were seriously injured. 

1996 About 250,000 striking workers shut down vital services
across Israel in protests against budget cuts proposed by Prime
Minister Netanyahu. 

1997 More than 400 people were massacred in four villages in the
single worst incident during Algeria's insurgency.

2018  smiled.

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Is Microsoft still enforcing IE ? 

Good Morning, !

Today is Saturday, December 29

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Today, December 29 in
1813 The British burned Buffalo, NY, during the War of 1812.
More of today in history at History
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. --- Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD) The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke "So they've got us surrounded, good! Now we can fire in any direction, those bastards won't get away this time!" --- General Lewis "Chesty" Puller, USMC ______________________________________________________ It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first time. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. Now they're coming after us with flashlights!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jess Evans, 26 Oswestry, Shropshire, Britain Mum realises far too late that daughter’s advent calendar is meant for cats A mum is in the dog house with her daughter after buying her an advent calendar that was actually meant for cats. The problem is, it took Jess Evans, 26, 11 whole days to realise that instead of eating chocolate Alissa, 9, had been chomping down on catnip. The little girl endured four days of the green-tinged treats before refusing to eat anymore, but Jess assumed she was just being picky. The mum-of-three was horrified when she turned the £1.99 Garfield calendar over only to discover the ‘apple flavoured chocolates’ were in fact yoghurt and catnip delicacies – for cats. Jess, from Oswestry, Shropshire, said: ‘I was in shock and felt like the worst mother ever when I realised I’d bought her a calendar for cats. Alissa had said they looked a bit green but I thought they were probably just apple-flavoured ones and didn’t think anything of it. ‘She said they tasted a bit strange, but hadn’t said they were horrible, so I just forgot about it. ‘Alissa hadn’t been eating them for a few days and when I asked why she brought the box over to me. ‘I remember thinking they did look a funny shade of green and didn’t have a chocolatey smell. ‘When I turned the calendar over and read that it was yoghurt and catnip flavour I couldn’t believe it – and that it had taken 11 days for us to notice.’ Jess had picked the advent calender up while out shopping with Alissa and her younger sisters Alexis Davies-Evans, three, and 11-month-old Aurora Davies-Evans in the Oswestry branch of B&M. Assuming the advent calendars on display were all for children she quickly scanned the shelves, picked up the Garfield one and added it to the trolley after getting Alissa’s nod of approval. Jess said: ‘When I looked at the box I couldn’t believe it. I have a degree in English literature and creative writing but still couldn’t read a calendar and it had taken me 11 days to realise. ‘Once she got over the shock she found the funny side of it. Thankfully she’s absolutely fine and I’ve checked online that she will be ok. ‘I’m going to give the calendar to my friend for her cat.’ Jess has vowed to get another advent calendar for Alissa and will bring 27-year-old lawn specialist fiancé Sean Davies along to ensure she snaps up a chocolate one. Jess said: ‘I’ll definitely be getting Sean to come with me to get one, it definitely has to be a really good one, otherwise knowing my luck I’ll end up buying one for dogs this time.’
In response to complaints by Rev. Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that there are not enough illegal immigrants appearing on TV, the Network has decided that in the future " America's Most Wanted".... will be shown 'TWICE' weekly. From: BroJoe Re: IE enforced my Microsoft Dear Webby, Your thoughts on this, please. BroJoe (.... a whole bunch of incorrect drivel from Microsoft sheep Erin at worldstart...) Dear BroJoe That is pure BS. We, amongst many others like the US Department of Defense banned IE from all of our computers. The writer of that lame drivel seems to be a particularly dumb sheep. To block IE you do NOT disable automatic updates and patches. You get the IE Blocker from my toolbox at, or search for it at Microsoft, but you don't turn off automatic updates to Windows! You can use about 50 other browsers. There is absolutely no need for IE. Even Microsoft has given up on it and came out with BING. Have FUN! DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
>From Hilda Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care. So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery to demand an explanation or get my money back. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?" You can imagine how stupid I felt when he said, "Autumn." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Serving Food at Parties Put food out in smaller batches and replace it as it runs out. That way, the first food is just as good as the last. If food needs to be left out for long periods of time, make sure it is properly cooled or kept warm using either ice or warming trays. You got a month and a hyalf to plan and practise! ____________________________________________________
Trucks can twerk! Your Daily Dose of Internet
___________________________________________________ While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us. "How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?" "I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home." ___________________________________________________ A traveling salesman stops at a farm house and is talking with the farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt and suspenders. He says, "What the heck is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed, so my wife made him clothes to keep him warm. You think he looks funny now, you should see him try to hold a hen down with one foot and get his pants off with the other!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning "Can't trust nobody no more!" ___________________________________________________

Today December 29 in
1170 St. Thomas à Becket, the 40th archbishop of Canterbury, was
murdered in his own cathedral by four knights acting on Henry
II's orders. 

1812 The USS Constitution won a battle with the British ship HMS
Java about 30 miles off the coast of Brazil. Before Commodore
William Bainbridge ordered the sinking of the Java he had her
wheel removed to replace the one the Constitution had lost during
the battle. 

1813 The British burned Buffalo, NY, during the War of 1812. 

1837 Canadian militiamen destroyed the Caroline, a U.S. steamboat
docked at Buffalo, NY. 

1848 U.S. President James Polk turned on the first gas light at
the White House. 

1860 The HMS Warrior, Britain's first seagoing iron-hulled
warship, was launched. 

1888 The first performance of Macbeth took place at the Lyceum

1890 The U.S. Seventh Cavalry massacred over 400 men, women and
children at Wounded Knee Creek, SD. This was the last major
conflict between Indians and U.S. troops. 

1895 The Jameson Raid from Mafikeng into Transvaal, which
attempted to overthrow Kruger's Boer government, started. 

1911 Sun Yat-sen became the first president of a republican

1913 "The Unwelcome Throne" was released by Selig’s Polyscope
Company. This was a moving picture and the first serial motion

1934 The first regular-season, college basketball game was played
at Madison Square Garden in New York City. New York University
defeated Notre Dame 25-18. 

1934 Japan renounced the Washington Naval Treaty of 1922 and the
London Naval Treaty of 1930. 

1940 During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs
on London. 

1945 The mystery voice of Mr. Hush was heard for the first time
on the radio show, "Truth or Consequences", hosted by Ralph

1945 Sheb Wooley recorded the first commercial record made in
Nashville, TN. 

1949 KC2XAK of Bridgeport, Connecticut became the first ultrahigh
frequency (UHF) television station to begin operating on a
regular daily schedule. 

1952 The first transistorized hearing aid was offered for sale by
Sonotone Corporation. 

1972 Following 36 years of publication, the last weekly issue of
"LIFE" magazine hit the newsstands. The magazine later became a
monthly publication. 

1975 A bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's LaGuardia
Airport. 11 people were killed. 

1985 Phil Donahue and a Soviet radio commentator hosted the
"Citizens’ Summit" via satellite TV. 

1986 The Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, FL, reopened for
business after eighteen years and $47 million expended on

1989 Following Hong Kong's decision to forcibly repatriate some
Vietnamese refugees, thousands of Vietnamese 'boat people'
battled with riot police. 

1989 Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia by the
country's Federal Assembly. He was the first non-Communist to
hold the position in more than four decades. 

1996 The Guatemalan government and leaders of the leftist
Guatemalan National Revolutionary Union signed a peace accord in
Guatemala City, ending a civil war that had lasted 36 years. 

1997 Hong Kong began killing 1.25 million chickens, the entire
population, for fear of the spread of 'bird flu.' 

1998 Khmer Rouge leaders apologized for the 1970s genocide in
Cambodia that claimed 1 million lives. 

1999 The Nasdaq composite index closed at 4,041.46. It was the
first close above 4,000. 

2018  smiled.

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Pictures in email 

Good Morning, !

Today is Friday, December 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Suicide by cops in Hawaii

Today, December 28 in
1836 Mexico's independence was recognized by Spain. 
More of today in history at History
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A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them. --- Leonard Louis Levinson This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Since I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop." ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Billie I was at my local cell phone company to pay my bill and upgrade my service. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an older gentleman with a cane nearby. It was unclear which one of us would be called next. When the representative called for one of us to step up, the man with the cane motioned politely and said, "After you." I smiled at him and replied, "No, please, after you. I have all day." The man smiled back and said, "No, you go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "That would be 4, I think." "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dylan Printz, 18, Shippensburg, Pennsylvania Arson Charge For Man Behind Burning Dog Poop Prank A crappy Christmas Eve prank landed a Pennsylvania man in jail on arson and other criminal charges, according to police. Firefighters and cops were dispatched Monday at 3 AM following a report that a “bag of dog poop was lit on fire on a porch” in Shippensburg, a borough about 40 miles southwest of Harrisburg. A female tenant told police she was awoken when other residents spotted the fire and began “yelling to call 911 and to get out of the house.” The fire was quickly extinguished and there was no damage to the residence. Asked who might have set the bag of feces on fire, the tenant fingered Dylan Printz, 18, “due to them having a falling out that night and she told him he could not stay or be there anymore.” Police subsequently located Printz, who reportedly copped to starting the fire. Seen above, Printz said that he “grabbed a brown paper bag from a Chinese food order” and filled it with dog poop. He then “put the bag of feces on the porch and lit it on fire with a Bic lighter.” Printz, cops reported, said he set the fire to “get back at the people who lived there due to an earlier fight.” Shippensburg cops arrested Printz on two felony counts--arson and risking catastrophe. He was also hit with misdemeanor reckless endangerment charges. The teen--whose Facebook page lists his nickname as “Spyder”--is free on $20,000 bail and is scheduled for a January 7 pretrial hearing.
From: Daniel Re: Pictures in email Dear Webby, two can you enlarge a picture that is on an email you are sending, and why won't my stamp stay on the right side of the email ? as soon as i touch a key,it slides to the left side. thanks again, daniel Dear Daniel You can't enlarge pictures in email after you have pasted them. You have to make them larger before you paste them. To make a picture stay on the right side, with Eudora you highlight the picture, then click on the Right-Align button. Some other email programs are also capable of that. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Flip The Script For Valentine's Day For guys (or gals) who don't cook a lot, take it upon yourself to cook a Valentine's dinner for your significant other. Try cooking your partner's favorite dish. Even if the meal turns out less than perfect, the thoughtfulness and effort will be appreciated. You got a month and a hyalf to plan and practise! ____________________________________________________
The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________ AFTER OUR FRIEND TOM had been a temporary bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her. "Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!" "Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied. Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from some of the best restaurants in town. --------- In the 70's my dad came over from Europe to visit me. I also took him to the local Chinese restaurant and showed him how everybody on the table ordered their favorites, but got an empty plate, with all the ordered foods placed in the center. Then everybody took some of each plate, sort of a mini buffet. The food was plentiful with lots left over. Then the waiter asked: "Yoo wann doggie bags?" I was familiar with that and of course agreed. Dad had never experienced that in Europe and he was quite impressed, and when he returned to Austria, proceded to tell everybody about "doggie bags". In the meantine now most other restaurants adopted that custom. Some, like Boston Pizza, even have very nice, reusable containers, but still call them "doggie bags". ___________________________________________________ President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for the cat. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university. "Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester." ___________________________________________________

Today December 28 in
1065 Westminster Abbey was consecrated under Edward the

1694 Queen Mary II of England died after five years of joint rule
with her husband, King William III. 

1732 "The Pennsylvania Gazette," owned by Benjamin Franklin, ran
an ad for the first issue of "Poor Richard’s Almanack." 

1832 John C. Calhoun became the first vice president of the
United States to resign, stepping down over differences with
President Jackson. 

1836 Mexico's independence was recognized by Spain. 

1869 William E. Semple, of Mt. Vernon, OH, patented an acceptable
chewing gum. 

1877 John Stevens applied for a patent for his flour-rolling
mill, which boosted production by 70%. 

1879 In Dundee, Scotland the central portion of the Tay Bridge
collapsed as a train was passing over it. 75 people were killed. 

1895 In Paris, the first commercial public screening of
cinematographic films took place. 

1897 "Cyrano de Bergerac," the play by Edmond Rostand, premiered
in Paris, France. 

1902 The first professional indoor football game was played at
Madison Square Garden in New York City. Syracuse defeated the
Philadelphia Nationals 6-0. 

1908 An earthquake killed over 75,000 at Messina in Sicily. 

1912 The first municipally-owned street cars were used on the
streets of San Francisco, CA. 

1937 The Irish Free State became the Republic of Ireland when a
new constitution established the country as a sovereign state
under the name of Eire. 

1942 R.O. Sullivan crossed the Atlantic Ocean for the 100th time.

1945 The U.S. Congress officially recognized the "Pledge of

1950 The Peak District became Britain's first designated National

1964 Initial filming of the movie "Dr. Zhivago" began on location
near Madrid, Spain. The movies total running time is 197 minutes.

1973 The Chamber of Commerce of Akron, OH, terminated its
association with the All-American Soap Box Derby. It was stated
that the race had become "a victim of cheating and fraud." 

1973 Alexander Solzhenitsyn published "Gulag Archipelago," an
expose of the Soviet prison system. 

1981 Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby,
was born in Norfolk, VA. 

1982 Nevell Johnson Jr. was mortally wounded by a police officer
in a Miami video arcade. The event set off three days of race
related disturbances that left another man dead. 

1987 The bodies of 14 relatives of R. Gene Simmons were found at
his home near Dover, AR. Simmons had gone on a shooting spree in
Russellville that claimed two other lives. 

1989 Alexander Dubcek, who had been expelled from the Communist
Party in 1970, was elected speaker of the Czech parliament. 

1991 Nine people died in a rush to get into a basketball game at
City College in New York. 

1995 Pressure from German prosecutors investigating pornography
forced CompuServe to set a precedent by blocking access to sex-
oriented newsgroups on the Internet for its customers. 

2000 U.S. District Court Judge Matsch held a hearing to ensure
that confessed Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh understood
that he was dropping his appeals. McVeigh said that he wanted an
execution date set but wanted to reserve the right to seek
presidential clemency. 

2018  smiled.

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