Humor Letter 8/22/06 NotifyAlert 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 22, 2006
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The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
-- Ralph W. Sockman

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
-- Leo Rosten

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Thanks to Roberta for this story:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!",
she screamed, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!"

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd Saturday's, Sunday's and Monday's
mail for most of their victims.

===========================================

The farmer took pity on a young passerby and
agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment
was to paint the barn, which he did, including the
tail of the donkey that poked through knot hole
in the barn. The farmer was furious, but promised
to give the boy another chance.

This time he told him to string barb wire around
the farm land, which he did, but when the rooster
wouldn't stay out of the way he nailed him by
accident to the fence post. The farmer this time
was more furious that the last time, but again
promised to give the boy one last chance.

This time he told him to mow the yard, which he
did, but the grass was so high he didn't see
the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the
poor kitty over, hurting him badly.

The farmer got so furious this time he called
the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked
the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested.

"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he
painted my ass red, Next he nailed my cock to
the fence and finally, he ran over my wife's
pussy with a lawn mower!"

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Leli, 18 of Suffolk County, NY

Expensive ticket!

August 20, 2006 - New York - AP
A Suffolk County teenager loved the Mets so much that
authorities say he posed as a reporter to get into Shea
Stadium and talk with players.

Police arrested the 18-year-old Leli Friday night at Shea
just before the start of the New York Mets-Colorado Rockies
game and charged him with impersonating a journalist,
the Queens District Attorney announced Saturday.

Prosecutors say Leli told New York Mets management
that he worked for NBC Universal and showed a fake NBC
employee identification card so he could get press
credentials.

Leli first used the press pass to attend an Aug. 10 game
between the Mets and the San Diego Padres. Authorities
said Leli used the pass to approach and chat with players
including Mike Piazza before and after that game.

Leli used the fake NBC identification again Friday to get
another press pass for the Mets-Rockies game.

Mets management apparently became suspicious and
contacted authorities.

Leli was also charged with criminal possession of a forged
instrument, falsifying business records, larceny, criminal
possession of stolen property, criminal impersonation
and criminal trespass.

He was arraigned Saturday in Queens Criminal Court
and released on his own recognizance.

Leli was scheduled to return to court on Sept. 27. He faces
up to seven years in prison.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this picture of the Dolomites


===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Debi
Re: NotifyAlert.exe

I enjoy your newsletter every day!  Today I have a computer
question that has been bugging my computer for some time.
I continually get a “Notifyalert.exe.common language
runtime debugging service”  Application has generated an
exception that could not be handled.  Processid=Oxd8(3288),
thread id= Oxda8 (3496),  Click ok to terminate application.
Or, click cancel to debug the application.  No matter what
I do, I can not get rid of this.  I have done all the normal stuff
to get rid of this, any suggestions would be greatly
appreciated.  Thanks again for your great humor each and
every day!
Debi

Dear Debi
The NotifyAlert.exe is something DELL puts onto their
computer, so that they can pop a message whenever they
have something new to sell you. Even though you paid cash
for your computer, they treat you as if you have an ad
supported freebie.

On newer computers that come with XP-SP2 pre-installed,
you can usually turn that off through the
“Quick Links \ Settings”  option in Dell Support
(“Start \ Programs \ Dell Applications \ Support \ Support”).

If the NotifyAlert.exe is from before XP-SP2, then you
usually will have a problem sooner or later, if you have
not turned that off before the SP-2 upgrade or whatever
security patch conflicts with it.

Personally, I can't blame Windows for for getting
suspicious and uncooperative when some uninvited ads
come barging in. The users demanded protection from
that sort of stuff, and Windows obligingly provides it.

If you can't turn the NotifyAlert off, just go into
Control Panel
Add/Remove Programs
and dump DELL Support.
Your machine probably is out of warranty anyway,
but according to all the forums, DELL can't help you
with that problem anyway.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

My friend Chad, the author of "No-Bull Gunfighting" has a
birthday today. So I'll give him a plug for his famous
TAG: Tactical Achievement of Goals
Unleash The Warrior Within You

You can order that special report at
http://tinyurl.com/f82ce

Happy Birthday, Chad!

==========================================

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with
breeding to make a perfect turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but
there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general
store.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch him!"

==========================================

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==========================================

Thanks to Lisa for this story:
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines.  It was my
first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines
operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee.
"How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin
button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"Usually at the ATM machine down there....."

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Deeli's Kudos
Janesville, Wisconsin - AP
Not even triple-bypass surgery has kept Rita Roherty from
the shotgun shooting that has been her life's passion.
The 82-year-old great-grandmother underwent surgery
last year, and then recovered to win a bronze medal in
the women's shooting division of the Badger State Games
in June.

She hit 91 of 100 clay pigeons to take third place in the
competition, three years after winning the gold.

''When a gun fits you, it don't kick,'' she said of her pet
Browning Lightning 12-gauge over-under shotgun.

Roherty, born Rita McAuliffe in 1923, had 14 children in
28 years of marriage before her husband, Donald Glynn,
died.

Then she met George Roherty, who took her trap shooting
on the couple's first date in 1973.
''It was a very good couples thing to do,'' she said.

She says she shoots because she likes competing. When
she won her gold medal in shooting, she hit enough clay
pigeons to tie a woman half her age, then won in a
shoot-off by hitting all 10 pigeons, she recalled.

She said she intends to keep shooting as long as she can
still hold the gun, and she'll take on men as well as women.
But be forewarned: Roherty admits she sometimes can't
resist asking competitors, ''You let an old lady beat you?''

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tablecloths for Fabric
If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at
garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain
or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use
for other projects. Tablecloths come in a variety of
thicknesses, sizes and patterns so you can find fabric
for a variety of projects.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

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========================================

A Texan is bragging to his cousin in Montana. "On mah fahrm
in Taxas," he drawls, "I can git on mah tractor, ride all
daiy long, and still be on mah fahrm by nightfohl."

"Yeah", replies his cousin, "I know what you mean. I once
used to have a John Deere tractor like that too."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thanks to Mona for this story:
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching
post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently
"trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched,
my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he
wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

========================================

Thanks to Kim for this Bonus Link:
Battle of the frogs
http://ctamp.homestead.com/ThreadCityXingFrogs.html

========================================

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby




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