Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 25/06 

Good Morning !
Friday,  Aug 25, 2006
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I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-- Dr. Seuss

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid
eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"Plese tell me, do I come here often?"

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  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
 us.army.mil
  and
 Yahoo.com
  for censoring the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Martin for this story:
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the \
"seniors's special"     was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned
her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife
asked incredulously.
"YES!!"
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

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Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Mardin Azad Amin, 29 in Chicago

Brainless Bomber

August 23, 2006
Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze when
security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious looking
object in his luggage.

So, Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He
told security the object was a bomb, Cook County
prosecutors say.

The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said
to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke,
prosecutors say.

In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the
black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component
for a penis pump.

All the same, Amin was charged with felony disorderly
conduct and faces up to three years in prison if convicted,
said Andrew Conklin, a spokesman with the Cook County
state attorney's office. Amin is due in court today for a
preliminary hearing, Conklin said.

Amin eventually told investigators he'd lied about the
object's true use because his mother was standing nearby
when the object was discovered and he didn't want her to
know about it, Cook County Assistant State's Attorney
Lorraine Scaduto said during a bond hearing last week.

The incident occurred Aug. 16 as Amin was set to catch a
flight to Turkey, Scaduto said.

Amin has no known criminal history, Scaduto said.

===========================================

Thanks to my dad for sending in these pictures:


Ferocactus-hamanthacanthus. This one bloomed today.
It is now 30 years old and 25 cm (10") diameter.

===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bonnie
Re: Diskeeper Manual

Hi Webby,

Love your newsletters!  I am interested in the Diskeeper,
and opened the online manual to become familiar with it
before using the trialware or purchase. It sounds like a
very efficient defragmenter however very complicated
to get it to work properly.

You made it sound so simple.  The manual for the home
edition is 75 pages long and sounds very complicated.
If it is Set It and Forget It - why 75 pages of instructions.
Would it be possible to place in your newsletter,
abbreviated or simplified overview, set up, or something
regarding the product.

Thanks, and keeping up the good work!
An avid reader,
Bonnie

Dear Bonnie
I didn't even know they had a manual!
Never needed one.
All I ever do is download it whenever we get a new machine,
(or my secretary does), and elbow the Enter key a bunch of
times to accept the defaults.

I have been sorta vaguely aware that there probably are
various options for complicating life, but have never been
bored enough to waste time on them.

The defaults are set so that it takes care of everything
with a minimum of fuss, and it does it in the background
whenever the screen saver comes on. That suits me fine.

I doubt very much that your machine is so exceptional, that
you will need to study the manual to cope with those exceptions.
Just elbow it in and let it run.

By the way, you don't have to buy a fresh registration to
move Diskeeper to a new machine, just when you add
another machine to the office or home, and want individual
home versions on each.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

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    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet.
Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him
sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a good Christian home,
but, but, but I want to stay with you guys!"

==========================================

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==========================================

Di Ann had been divorced for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Tony, the
gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Tony picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot.

Tony also had been divorced for a long time and found
himself very attracted to Di Ann, and despite her resistance
to his advances at first, he finally was able to make love
to her.

Later, Di Ann was mortified at her lack of self control
and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter,
knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Tony said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Di Ann looked at Tony and said, "...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"

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Deeli's Kudos
August 14, 2006 - Portage, Indiana - IBS

Porter Superior Judge Julia Jent is sentencing the ticketed
teens to the embarrassment of riding the school bus, if
they are found guilty in her courtroom.

Jent got the idea after a girl in her court for a moving
traffic violation appeared not to take seriously either
the offense or the possible fine.

The judge, who has teenage grandchildren, said she knew
she had reached the teen when she ordered her to park her
car and ride the school bus and the girl started crying
outside her courtroom. With that, she figured she found
the right punishment.

Teens not complying will be fined and have their licenses
suspended.

Jent also warns parents they could be held in contempt of
court if they drive their child to school.

Jent said making teenagers ride the bus also makes them
take their driving violations seriously.

Jent sent a memo to every law enforcement agency in her
jurisdiction, telling them that all moving traffic citations
involving drivers age 16 to 18 must be seen by her. She
doesn't want their parents to pay a fine or have teens pay
the fine and not tell mom and dad.

If the teens violate the order to ride the bus, their driver's
license will be suspended, and a fine must be paid. If they
follow the order, the matter is dismissed.

Of the dozen or so teens who were given the school-bus
orders so far, one was ordered to nine weeks of school-bus
riding. Another had total driving restrictions for an entire
semester, according to the North West Indiana Times.

"Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her
mother the death penalty," Jent told the paper.

The punishment is legal. The state statute allows a judge
to place any violator on probationary conditions, including
license suspensions.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================
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Record Driving Directions
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========================================

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"It's a cussing machine," the second boy answered.
"Every time she stands on it she gets really mad and starts
cussing at me or dad."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at
Russellville Christian Church,
1681 Highway 35,
St. Stephen, South Carolina

Sat. Aug. 26  at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at
St. Patrick's Catholic Church,
1031 Main St.,
Onalaska, Wisconsin.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Leroy was visiting a friend in the hospital.
He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on
an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to
him with a snarl, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.'

"Leroy said, " Lady, I'm not smoking."

"But you have a cigar in your mouth!", the woman said.

"'Lady",  Leroy answered, "I'm wearing Jockey shorts,
too, but I don't ride horses indoors either."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Lady Beetles
http://tinyurl.com/5ljeh
http://www.nysaes.cornell.edu/ent/bioco ... intro.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





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