Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 27/06 

Good Morning!
Sunday,  Aug 27, 2006
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It is a common delusion that you make things better
by talking about them.
-- Dame Rose Macaulay

Most conversations are simply monologues
delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar

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, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for this story:
Thibodeau wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question,"
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the
number 9."

"Witout numbers?" Thibodeau says, "Dat is easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,"
says Thibodeau.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Thibodeau stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree.  "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have
to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same
rules again, but represent the number 100."

Thibodeau stares into space some more, then he picks up
the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each
tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"

Thibodeau leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and says, "A little doggie came along and crap
by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when I start?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
    us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Telus.net  for  for inappropriate censorship

The Navy, Airforce and Coastguard have no problem with
the Humor Letter, only the Sniveling Ninnies at the Army
Censorship consider the Humor Letter as too naughty for
the Infantry soldiers. Has somebody been in Fort Huachuca
too long?

===========================================

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes
out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a wanna-be robber in Poggersdorf, Austria

Insufficient homework

August 24, 2006 - Vienna - Reuters
A would-be robber was arrested after he tried to hold up
his local town hall, mistaking it for a bank, Austrian police
said Wednesday.

Wearing a mask and waving a toy pistol, the unemployed man
burst into the town hall in the village of Poggersdorf,
southern Austria, and shouted: "Hold-up, hold-up!"

The building has a sign signaling there is a cash point on
the outside wall, police said. (ATM for paying parking
tickets)

He realized his mistake when an employee explained to him
where he was, police said in a statement, adding he fled to
a nearby forest.

The 34-year-old man was arrested when he came back later
to pick up his motorbike which he had parked outside the
town hall.

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for sending in this picture:



===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Darlene
Re: Elongated pictures

Dear Webby
 Love your Humor letter especially the tech help.
You gave some advise on making things larger including
pictures, can't remember when you gave it, I followed the
instructions and things are larger. But my pictures are all
elongated and another thing happened at the same time.
When ever I hit my mouse it makes a loud click from my
desktop when I change pages. Also on my IM the sub-titles
across the top are like high lighted. What did I do wrong
and how do I go back to the way it was?

Thank you
Darlene

Dear Darlene
The reason your pictures appear elongated is probably that
you chose a setting intended for a wide aspect ratio monitor.
Right-click on the desktop,
Properties
Settings
and in there try different resolutions.
I use 1600 x 1200. That looks fine on my monitor
( 14 1/2" x 10 3/4" viewing area ), and when I design a
5" x 6" ad, it measures precisely 5" x 6" on the screen.

So, play with the resolution settings until you find one
that suits your monitor and your eyes.

Re the mouse click, you can set that in the Control Panel,
Mouse.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

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===========================================

A man takes a photo of the front of his house to the local
copy store and asks the clerk to put it on disk for him.
He does.

They are both looking at the monitor to see the results,
and the man asks if the picture can be turned.

"Sure" says the clerk.

The man replies, "Good, I need a shot of the back of my
house also."

==========================================

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==========================================

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the
same time?

You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing
all over again.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Bonehead for 'dodging traffic' but Kudo for tuening in the money ...

August 24, 2006 - Paddock Lake, Wis. - AP
A sales representative on the way to a business call made
an unscheduled stop - in the middle of the highway - after
noticing the cash swirling around his car.

"I was a little west of Paddock Lake and all of a sudden
there was money flying in my windshield and grill," Ted
Neitzke said.

Neitzke, 58, of Random Lake, said he stopped, got out of
his car and began collecting the bills while dodging the
traffic.

"So here's this guy - me - in the middle of Highway 50 with
a tie picking up money," he said. "It was just kind of
sliding along the road. When a car or truck would drive
by, it would go one way, and when another one would drive
by, it would go the other way."

He managed to pick up a dozen $20 bills and two $1 bills,
a total of $242.

Then he called the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

"I was just hoping it wasn't anybody's rent money or
somebody who needed it," he said. "I figured it was the
right thing to do."

The sheriff's report said the money Neitzke collected
about 4:30 p.m. Tuesday was placed in an evidence locker,
and if no one claims it, Neitzke will get it.

Sheriff's spokesman Horace Staples said not everyone would
have turned in the cash.

"When people do that, it's very unique," Staples said.
"Normally people would look around and pocket the money."

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

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========================================

One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling
game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have
to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a
sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was
continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him.
Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could
turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo.
The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that
he could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent " said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F.
Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any
circumstances so she asks Mary.
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who live
among the flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks
about this and decides "G" is a safe one.
"Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the
flowers too".

"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy
that for once he wasn't out of line.

Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one
who knocks up the fairies!"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.



I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thank you so very much for a wonderful newsletter.
You are makimng a huge difference in many lives.
Joe wardy

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Maracaibo
http://snipurl.com/vjur
http://www.venezuelatuya.com/occidente/maracaiboeng.htm

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






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