Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 29/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 29, 2006
======================================

How old would you be if you didn't have a mirror and
didn't know when you were born?
-- Edythe E. Bregnard

Instead of focusing on a person's past,
look  how far he's come.
-- Charles Scaparo

======================================
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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===========================================

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for
promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant
Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said,
"This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a
flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you
do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would
get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate
environmental study and  . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel
said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the
First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole
set up in front of HQ by 16:30, standing perfectly straight!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to

   Telus.net  for  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help...

"If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
(sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a robber in Elmwood park, NJ

Dumb Robber Forgets to Bring Bag for Loot

ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. (1010 WINS)  --
A man who robbed a Wachovia Bank this week made one small
mistake that cost him most of his profits  he forgot to
bring a bag to the put the money in.

The man, who was wearing a long, curly-haired wig and
sunglasses and had what appeared to be a black 9mm
handgun, demanded money from tellers after he entered
the bank shortly before 11 a.m. Friday, according to
Elmwood Park Police. He then jumped over the tellers'
counter and emptied $1,385 in cash.

As he ran away from the scene of the crime, though, he
ended up dropping at least $1,195, or about 86 percent
of what he had taken.

Police recovered the cash, which had flown onto lawns and
driveways, when they searched the area an hour later.

===========================================

Thanks to Ann for sending this picture:



Why dogs bite people

===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Elisa
Re: Jittery Moon

Dear Webby
I tried to take a picture of the red moon in forest fire
smoke a while after dark. I used max Zoom, and wound
up with TWO overlapping crescents of the moon, as if
it was a double exposure. The sharp tips of the crescent
are definitely there twice. What causes that? I rested one
edge of the camera on the window sill to keep it steady.
How do I avoid that problem?
Elisa

Dear Elisa
You shot the picture in VERY dark conditions, not just
after dark, but through forest fire smoke. The camera kept
the shutter open long to gather enough light to show the moon,
maybe 2 - 3 seconds if you have a camera with a large lens,
much longer if it has a small lens. During that time you jittered
a bit.

Next time you try that, nestle the camera into a bag of icing
sugar or sand. That holds the camera much steadier than
resting one edge of it on a hard surface. Once you have the
shot lined up, hit the self-timer, stand back and don't
breathe until it has taken the picture.

The less light you have, the more careful you have to be to
avoid jitters.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

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===========================================

"Hello?" Linda responded, answering the phone.

"I bet you want me to come over to your house, take
you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe,
and then make mad passionate love to you all night long,"
the male voice whispered sensuously.

"Wow!," she replied. "You could tell all that just from
me saying 'hello?'"

==========================================

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==========================================

The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support
a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.  I was just
planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have
to fend for yourselves."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Moscow - AP

An antiques dealer on Friday turned over a 19th-century
chalice that he said he had discovered was among items
recently found missing from Russia's renowned State
Hermitage Museum, a government official said.

The Moscow dealer reported buying the silver, gold and
gem-covered chalice in 2004, said Anatoly Vilkov, the head
of the Culture Ministry's department in charge of protecting
cultural valuables.

''It went on display during several antique art fairs,'' Vilkov said.

More than 220 antiques and valuables missing from the famed
Hermitage in St. Petersburg are believed to have been stolen
over several years. Museum officials announced Monday that
the theft was discovered by a routine inventory check that began
in October 2005 and was completed at the end of last month.

Hermitage director Mikhail Piotrovsky blamed the theft, valued
at more than $5 million, on museum workers. The incident has
put the spotlight on poor security at Russian cultural institutions.

The dealer, who was not identified, is cooperating with a police
investigation, Vilkov said.

On Thursday, St. Petersburg police said they found a religious
icon dumped in a trash bin near a police station after they
received a tip from an anonymous caller.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

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========================================

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure
in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed
with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his
signature and was about to walk away when the man
asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't
think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars
around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Tuesday, Aug. 29 at 1:45 p.m. Birmingham, Alabama
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Marquees A. Quick at
St. James Baptist Church,
7309 Oporto Ave.,
Birmingham, Alabama.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Cheyenne, Wyoming
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pfc. James J. Arellano at
St. Mary's Cathedral,
100 W. 21st St.,
Cheyenne, Wyoming

Wednesday, Aug. 30  at 10:15 a.m. Tacoma, Washington.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Gabriel G. DeRoo
at Temple Baptist Church,
1108 S. Columbia Ave.,
Tacoma, Washington.

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having
trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to
scare them away."

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds
living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.   I've even
had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members
of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Enoshima Aquarium
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mmqb01/with/5743441/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






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