Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 3/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 3, 2006

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't
learn something from him.
-- Galileo Galilei

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often,
as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

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The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he
read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek and his.

Finally she spoke. "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh", she said, then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a
little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she

"God's getting better at it now isn't he?"


  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence  for inappropriate censorship


A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in
Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"


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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
goes to Stephan Kishore in New York

Fake Cop

August 31, 2006 - New York - AP

Police arrested a college student Wednesday near New York's
John F. Kennedy International Airport and charged him with
impersonating a federal agent.

Stephan Kishore's minivan was pulled over after an officer
noticed a large police decal on a rear door of the van, as
well as red and blue strobe lights on the dashboard,
prosecutors said.

Authorities said Kishore showed the officer a Homeland
Security badge and said he was on duty. But the real cop
said he noticed the back of the badge was imprinted with
the words
" Collectible Badge. Not For Official Use."

Kishore, who is being held on $50,000 bail, could get seven
years in prison if convicted.


Thanks to Bonnie for sending this picture:

Taku Glacier Lodge, Juneau, AK


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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Allan
Re: Location for computer

Dear Webby,
What is a better location for my computer, in a snug cubbyhole
on my desk, or on the floor below the desk?

Dear Allan
On the floor, without any doubt whatsoever.
You have to be able to get at the cables on the back. That
alone rules out a snug cubbyhole. However, the most
important reason is cooling. There is nothing that kills
a computer faster than inadequate cooling. It needs
unresticted air flow that it can draw through the computer
ONCE. Not re-use the heated air for that.

Just put it on the floor and once or twice a year vacuum
out the dust bunnies and clean the heat sinks.

Have FUN!


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At the retreat, Sam and Anni were told to
individually write a sentence using
the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Anni wrote: 'When two mature people
are passionately and deeply in love with
one another to a high degree and that
they respect each other very much, just
like Sam and I, it is spiritually and
morally acceptable for them to engage
in the act physical sex with one another.'

And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'


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Jack had gone to propose to his girlfriend and
returned home crying bitterly. "What happened,
son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her
response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jack. "When I
told her what you advised me to say, she
slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you
to say, what I told your mother when she
accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I get it all wrong," Jack groaned.
"I said, 'My Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock'!"


Deeli's Kudos
August 31, 2006 - Hutchinson, Kansas - IBS

Two weeks ago, one of bartender Cindy Kienow's regular
customers left her a $100 tip on a tab that wasn't even
half that.

This week, he added a couple of zeros.

Kienow, a bartender at Applebee's, got a $10,000 tip from
the man -- for a $26 meal -- on Sunday.

"I didn't know what to say," Kienow told The Hutchinson
News. "He said, 'This will buy you something kind of nice,
huh,' and I said, 'Yeah, it will.'"

Kienow has worked at Applebee's for eight years.

She told the newspaper that the man is a regular customer
who comes in a couple of times each month.

"He usually signs his ticket and flips it upside down,"
Kienow told the paper. "But this time, he had it right side
up and said, 'I want you to know this is not a joke.'"

Kienow said the customer has always tipped well, but she
doesn't know what prompted the huge tip.

She told the newspaper that she hasn't decided how to
spend the money, but she said she has her eye on a Jeep.


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at,  and she will post it into the blog for you.


Daily tip from
Dog Hair on Furniture
Put on a rubber glove and wipe it over furniture to easily
remove pesky pet hair. A damp sponge will also work well.
Tip provided by

Check out their new Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!

If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ... ;/font>


A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one
look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home...."


Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at
Calvary Evangelical Church,
498 White Plains Rd.,
Trumbull, Connecticut.

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho

Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m.  Alpena, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at
First Baptist Church,
1261 W. Washington Ave.,
Alpena, Michigan

I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.



To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too."


Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link:
Freaking out the speed freaks ... nprank.wmv


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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby

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