Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 4/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 4, 2006
======================================

Happy Labor Day!

All you have shall some day be given;
therefore give now,
that the season of giving may be yours
and not your inheritors.

-- Kahlil Gibran

======================================
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of
the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen,
it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the
grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy
decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice
President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. GOING POSTAL Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. IRRITAINMENT Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Gary Condit, Monica Lewinsky, etc. DEINSTALLED Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned" YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini- sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." HEADACHED Temp widower. Spouse is not in the mood. Used as in: "I got lots of time to work on that project tonight, I got headached." CLM Career Limiting Mistake. Self explanatory. OHNO-SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UMFRIEND A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sherry, my ... um ...friend." CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Maria Ilieva, 17 from Sofia, Bulgaria Home alone, and back again, for sleeping beauty SOFIA (Reuters) - A sleeping teen-ager flew home to Bulgaria and then back to Malta after aircrew apparently failed to notice she was still on the plane. Maria Ilieva, 17, was traveling alone and fell asleep on an Air Malta plane taking her overnight from Valletta to Sofia. Unfortunately she had returned to Malta by the time she woke up, the girl's family said Friday. "Air Malta officials said the airplane was not a place for sleeping. But I have not seen any signs saying 'No sleeping', I have only seen signs saying 'No smoking'," the girl's mother, Nadezhda Vulova, told Reuters. Maria was finally reunited with her family Thursday, almost four days after her sleepover. She had to pay 200 euros ($256) for the second flight home. The family said they had filed a complaint against the airline and asked for a refund. Air Malta was not immediately available for comment. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trish for this picture: =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re: Heat Sink Ok, Webby, I know how stupid this question is, but what is a 'heat sink'? Dust bunnies, even 'I' know them! But have never heard of a heat sink.... And by the way, thanks for all your helpful information and the laughs too... Judy Dear Judy The cooling fins attached to hot components are called "heat sinks". It's an old term going back to the steam engine era, and is probably a rough translation. However, ever since then, ribbed or finned metal with a large surface area to get rid of excess and unwanted heat, has been called "heat sinks". In your computer you will see a big one on top of your CPU chip, often hidden under a fan or fan shroud. The fins of that heat sink tend to snag dustbunnies, and need to be cleaned once or twice a year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Safe McFlurry's for the McFurry's :-) September 3, 2006 - London - AP Fast food just became hedgehog-friendly. McDonald's Corp. said Friday it had redesigned the cups for its McFlurry dessert so that they no longer posed a danger to the spiky woodland creatures. The British Hedgehog Preservation Society has campaigned for years against the containers, saying hedgehogs had died while trying to eat leftover ice cream from discarded cups. Campaigners said the opening in the lid was large enough for hedgehogs to stick their heads in, but not to get them out again, and that animals not rescued by passers-by had died of starvation. McDonald's U.K. said that after "significant research and testing," it designed a McFlurry cup with a smaller opening. McDonald's began deliveries of the new lids to restaurants in Britain last week. "The smaller aperture of the lid has been designed to prevent hedgehogs from entering the McFlurry container in the unfortunate incidence that a lid is littered and is then accessible to wildlife," the company said in a statement. Fay Vass, chief executive of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, said the change was "excellent, if long overdue news." She said the new cups meant "many hedgehog lives will be saved." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Casseroles Line a baking dish with heavy-duty aluminum foil, fill with food and freeze it until firm. Remove the foil package, now in the shape of your baking dish, to free up your dish for other purposes until you're ready to reheat your casserole Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like Labor Day, you think they would have more beer in the house." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Mississipi Squirrel http://snipurl.com/vw0z http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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