Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 5/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 5, 2006
======================================

Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing.
-- Friedrich Schiller

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

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Thanks to Cookie for this story:

Dear Diary......

DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've
packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really
excited.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we
saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation
this has started to be. I  met the Captain today and he
seems like a very nice man.
__________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain
invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won about $80.
The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state
room. We had a luxurious  meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I
decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the
day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to
visit him for the night and again I  declined.
He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he
would sink the ship. I was  appalled.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today...... Twice.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== From Goldie: The preacher came over the other day. He said that, at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him that I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Westboro perverts Chickenin out more and more July 13, 2006 - FLINT, Mich. -- EWS Channel A Michigan township plans to bill a Kansas church for security costs at a recent military funeral service after the protesters didn't show. According to police in Mundy Township, members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., had asked for special police protection for their planned protest of a Marine's funeral. The group claims that military deaths are God's retribution for the country's failure to condemn homosexuality. They have protested at a number of military funerals across the country and have been met by counter demonstrations. Police were ready for a possible confrontation on July 1 at the memorial service for Lance Cpl. Brandon Webb, but the protesters never showed. Even so, the township said it would bill them $5,000 for the extra police presence the group requested. Police Chief David Guigear told the Flint Journal that the group's failure to show broke a verbal contract with the township for security services and they never called to say they weren't coming. Westboro attorney Shirley Phelps-Roper told the newspaper that group members bought airline tickets, but they were told by the Holy Ghost at the last minute to stay home. ------------ Yeah, right. Did the Holy Ghost tell them that no hotel in Flint would rent them a room, and that the violent crime rate in Flint is five times higher than the national average, and the murder rate is six times higher? And that the people in Flint, Michigan would not put up with their crap? ===========================================
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Yes, I know it's a stupid way to do it, and I have never hesitated to say so. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 4, 2006 - MONTROSE, Colorado - The Denver Channel More than 100 volunteers stood between the site of a memorial service Sunday for a soldier killed in Afghanistan and picketers from Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas. Army Cpl. Christopher Sitton, 21, was among three Fort Drum, N.Y., soldiers killed Aug. 19 after an explosive went off near their vehicle. He was a medic. Sitton grew up in Quinlan, Texas, before the family moved to Montrose while he was in high school. He was part of the Montrose High School track team and enjoyed the outdoors, his family said. Across the street from Sitton's memorial service at the high school, eight people, including two children, from Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, picketed as about 20 police officers monitored the scene. "These people hold patriotic pep rallies for these dead soldiers and this is the time to tell them, one, don't worship the dead. And, two, don't worship the flag," said Sara Phelps, 25, the granddaughter of church founder Fred Phelps. The church group, which has protested military funerals around the country, contends God allows war deaths as punishment for the country's tolerance of homosexuals. Police Chief Tom Chinn said the protesters complied with a new Colorado law imposing a 100-foot barrier between protesters and funerals. Motorcyclists with the Patriot Guard Riders were among volunteers outside the service. Group member Wayne "Grumpy" Hemmert said members from four states were there. He refused to acknowledge the church group. "We're here to show honor and respect to the Sitton family for the loss of their son defending our nation, giving us the freedom to ride free and show respect," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Door You can easily fix a squeak door by spraying the hinges with WD40. A little Vaseline or even cooking spray will also do the trick. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com If it is your own house, then you might want to use a dry moly lubricant spray. It dries to a slick, waxy surface that does not attract dust and grit. It is perfectly clear and the only way you can tell it's presence, is that areas where you over-sprayed beside the hinge, feel slippery to the touch. But they are dry and none of the waxy coating comes off and onto your fingers. It also works very well in locks. You won't be hit with a cleaning charge if a locksmith has to work on it to re-key it, as you would, when you used graphite or WD40. DearWebby Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== There was a little old lady from a small town in Arkansas who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== An eighty-three year old woman finished her annual physical examination, whereupon her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute; I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said, "Bubba, do we still have intercourse?" Bubba answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. We have Blue Cross!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Tropical Rain Forest http://library.thinkquest.org/17456/tropicalall.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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