Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 7/06 


Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 7, 2006
======================================

Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley

======================================
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Thanks to Cookie for this story:
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed.

 "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver so  you will always remember me."

 "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you
leava me your  Rolex watch instead?"

 "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa & lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a  couple a bambinos."

 "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you
wife inna bed  with another man. Whadda you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so silly now. Dolly P =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Javier Leal, 25 of Chicago Suburban Chicago man drowns after ride in stolen lifeguard boat ASSOCIATED PRESS 09/05/2006 CHICAGO (AP) -- A 25-year-old Berwyn man has drowned after he and several friends stole a lifeguard boat and took it out onto Lake Michigan, police said. Javier Leal and four friends went to the Ohio Street beach early Monday and broke a lock that was securing the boat, officials said. The group floated out into the lake in the boat and then decided to wade back to shore. The boat is intended for a lifeguard and one passenger, said police spokeswoman JoAnn Taylor. Leal's body was pulled from the lake Monday afternoon after a lengthy search. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to my JoAnn for this picture: Sunday we had some neighbors stop by for a snack. They seemed to really enjoy the crab apples we set out for them! JoAnn =========================================== Thanks to Chris O for this story: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marcy Re: Deleting individual cookies Dear Webby; Thank you for the information. Now for the stupid question ~How do I clear just that cookie? I have used a computer for about 7 years, but I really don't have much knowledge of how to do things unless someone tells me. I If you have the time, could you please tell me how to remove just one or two cookies? Thank you~ Marcy Dear Marcy The easiest way to sort out and clean your cookies is with CrapCleaner. In case you are one of the very few subscribers who have not gotten CrapCleaner yet, go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and grab it. It's free! In CrapCleaner go to OPTIONS, COOKIES and drag the keepers (bank, Amazon, Barns&Noble, etc) to the right, and the ones you don't need to the left. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 6, 2006 - CHICAGO - AP A suburban Chicago woman traveling home on Amtrak with her ailing father waited up to 23 hours to notify authorities that he had died on the train, according to police. Daniel Stepanovich, 80, of Hammond, Ind., was pronounced dead of natural causes just after midnight Tuesday, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office. His daughter told officials that her father died in the roomette sleeping compartment at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday, just as the eastbound train was pulling into Glenwood Springs, Colo. Stepanovich died from heart disease and cancer, according to an autopsy conducted by the Cook County medical examiner. “She said she didn’t have any money to ship him home from Glenwood Springs, so she waited till she got here,” a Central District police lieutenant said. The Grayslake woman has not been named. The woman and her father boarded the cross-country train in the San Francisco area. The California Zephyr travels from Emeryville, Calif., to Chicago. A neighbor said the father, who had been diagnosed with cancer, had talked of taking "one last train ride." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Back To School Schedules Create a back to school schedule for the whole family to help eliminate the stress of starting school again. Write down what time everyone should wake up to make sure they can eat, shower, get dressed and get out the door on time with the least amount of stress. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Judy was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Thursday, Sept. 7 at 10:15 a.m. Whittier, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David J. Almazan at Sky Rose Chapel, 3888 Workman Mill Road, Whittier, California Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an artists gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lighthouses http://tinyurl.com/hvrxg ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. 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