Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept  

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 8, 2006
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All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed
in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope.
-- Winston Churchill

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog;
fewer when pursued by a mad woman;
only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
-- Robertson Davies

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Thanks to Cookie for this story:
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off
for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled in the driveway
and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,
"The pretty lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

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  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !" Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me hundred dollars too much. Bye. " =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, England His driving was swift, but his thinking wasn't. September 7, 2006 - Manchester, England - AP A 28-year-old man who blew up a speed-trap camera, hoping to destroy evidence of his transgression, was sentenced to prison for four months on Wednesday. Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, said he had seen a flash of light from the camera, indicating that it had detected him speeding on Aug. 14, 2005. He claimed he feared his driver's license would be suspended, making him unable to work to support his family. So, he drove back to the site and employed materials that he uses in his work as a welder to melt the camera's metal body in an explosive fire. That backfired because images of his speeding survived the explosion, and so did images of him returning to attack the camera. He pleaded guilty to a charge of damaging property. "The defendant accepts that he has created a mountain out of a molehill by behaving stupidly. He finds himself in a great deal of trouble rather than the little deal of trouble he would have been in," said defense lawyer Andrew Bailey. In fact, he would have been in no trouble. Officials confirmed that the camera that Moore sped past was only to monitor traffic patterns and was designed to deter speeders, not catch them. It flashed only as a warning. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to my Martin for this picture: =========================================== Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautifulmink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500." "Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000!" "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking now?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover he down payment..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, if you can sign today, but just bid $420,000, OK?" "Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Julia Re: Better download for CrapCleaner Dear Webby; When CrapCleaner, which I love!, wants to update, I wind up at weird download sites where they try to trap me on all kinds of detours. Why can't they have a quick and easy download without a lot of greedy fuss? Julia Dear Julia CrapCleaner is free. The programmers have donated their time and money to provide it to you for free. However, since they don't charge for it, they don't have the money to pay for the file transfer for Millions of downloads. So they allow download sites like FileHippo provide download locations. FileHippo makes money on that with all their advertising that they put in your path when you try to get your download. Actually, anybody, including you, can provide download locations for CrapCleaner. However, unless you have big, powerful servers and are willing to pay for the file transfer cost, don't try it. Since you are a subscriber, you can get it from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. As long as you keep that fairly quiet, I won't have to restrict access to the toolbox. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for more phone fun: Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the Oprah, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona." --Conan O'Brien =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 3, 2006 - Appleton, Wisconsin - AP Pets here will be breathing a little easier now that local rescuers will be carrying oxygen masks designed for animals. Six Appleton fire trucks and 13 ambulances will be equipped with masks intended for use on dogs, cats and other small animals. Alderman Richard Thompson initiated the program after he saw a newspaper photograph of a firefighter in Superior giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a cat rescued from a house fire. "A pet is family to most people," he said. "I know I wouldn't want to lose Maggie, my collie, or Lucy, my Tabby cat, to a fire, carbon monoxide poisoning or Lord knows what else." The money to pay for each $49 mask came from donations by local animal lovers. "It was something to see," Thompson said. "There was no organized solicitation effort. People and community groups just read or heard about the program and stepped up to the plate." The masks, which come in three sizes, will be distributed to each of six fire stations and to the Appleton Police Department K-9 unit, he said. The Madison Fire Department carries similar masks on its seven ambulances, said Lori Wirth, the department's community education officer. The Madison Fire Department also bought its masks with money raised from unsolicited donations, she said. In fact, the department raised so much money it was able to buy mask kits for several neighboring communities. Wirth said the department's firefighters haven't had to use the masks yet but they're trained and willing. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grocery Bags for Cleaning the Litter Box If you use scoop-able cat litter, the bags you get at grocery stores work great for disposing of the litter. Just keep some near the litter box. Tie the bag handles together before throwing away and it will help cut down on odors in your garbage can. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign, , , , "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendant replied, " $3.10 ". ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:15 a.m. Superior, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Kenneth M. Cross at Superior High School, 2600 Catlin Ave., Superior, Douglas County, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:45 a.m. Pelican Rapids, Minnesota Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Joshua R. Hanson at Pelican Rapids High School, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:15 a.m. West Frankfort, Illinois Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Matthew J. Vosbein at St. John the Baptist Church, 703 E. Main, West Frankfort, Illinois Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. It's Friday. Wear something red to show that you support our troops! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Cadillac Ranch http://www.legendsofamerica.com/TX-CadillacRanch.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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