Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 10/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 10, 2006
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I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
when you looked at it in the right way,
did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson

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A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask
a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave
him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Sorry!" responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for Senior Golf An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather in Hongkong Poor Customer Service September 7, 2006 - Hong Kong - The Scotsman A high profile Hong Kong banker yesterday won a court case against her salsa dance instructors, who were ordered to return her deposit paid out for lessons she never completed. Monica Wong, 61, the head of HSBC's private banking business in Asia, had agreed to pay HK$12 million to her dance teachers for eight years of unlimited private lessons and competitions to commence in 2004. After she paid over half the total as a deposit, the relationship with Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather, turned sour. Saccani admitted in court to calling Wong a "lazy cow" and telling her to "move her a**" during a packed dance session in 2004. Wong, who said she suffered an emotional breakdown from the insults, successfully sued the couple for the return of her deposit. ----------------------- HK$ 12 Million is a bit over 1.5 Million US Dollars. ===========================================
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=========================================== View from my desk Sun below the horizon, shining through the trees =========================================== You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If: * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. * People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. * The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up. * Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4- wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. * Baptism is referred to as "branding". * There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. * High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. * People think "rapture" is what you get when you slip while lifting a beer keg. * The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. * The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Towing and Junkyard. * The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Yahoo / Norton woes To whom it may concern- I'm trying to receive the HUMOR LETTER-which I enjoy. Yahoo wouldn't let it through, but now they do. Now NORTON ANTIVIRUS blocked the September 9th letter. Said it was damaged with a virus? I got the September 8th letter with out any trouble? What can I do? They may block it all the time-I sure hope not? Troubled. Dorothy Dear Dorothy I have not recommended Norton since 2000. With Windows XP it's more hassle than it's worth, and as you see yourself, it malfunctions. Unless Yahoo added a virus, the Humor Letter can not contain a virus. It does not have any attachments and is plain HTML or text. (HTML is text too, plus a whole bunch of goofy brackets). Any program claiming that text (or HTML) contains a virus, is obviously malfunctioning badly. Considering the constant problems Yahoo has with their mail, it's possible that they got infected again, but I doubt that. Otherwise other people would have reported the same. Most likely you have two totally separate problems: 1) Unreliable mail because of your Yahoo address AND 2) Anti Virus program malfunction due to Norton. My first recommendation would be that you get a decent email address. Amongst the free ones, gmail.com from Google is currently the best one. I'll gladly generate a referral for you, if you need one. My second recommendation is that you get rid of Norton. On XP it's more hassle than it's worth. My favorite anti virus protection is McAfee, but ANY anti virus protection other than Norton, will be an improvement for you. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his night stick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman. "Who's head of the family here?" "You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to settle inside. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Our parish priest was making his visits to several homes in the neighborhood. He knocked on one door, and a little 4-year-old boy opened it. When he saw the priest, he called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Redwood National Park, California - IBS Two amateur California naturalists have found what they report is the world's tallest living thing. It's a redwood in Redwood National Park on the Northern California coast. The redwood tree, named Hyperion, stands 378.1 feet tall, 8 feet taller than the previous record holder, another coast redwood. The San Francisco Gate reported that the group has found about 135 redwoods that reach higher than 350 feet. The Hyperion was the tallest, followed by Helios, which stands at 376.3 feet, and Icarus, which stands at 371.2 feet, according to the paper. Officials aren't pinpointing the exact location of the trees, out of concern too many visitors could damage the delicate ecology of the areas. Researchers plan to climb the giant Hyperion in the coming weeks and drop a tape measure to confirm its exact height. But the paper reported that the tape drops can't be conducted for at least two weeks because of National Park Service restrictions to protect the marbled murrelet, a small seabird that nests in old-growth redwoods. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten fixtures if necessary. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras at Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras at Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Herons, etc http://tinyurl.com/go7vd ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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