Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 12/06 


Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 12, 2006
======================================

All things are difficult before they are easy.
-- Dr. Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.
-- Albert Einstein

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness;
there is also the success of others.
-- Jules Renard

======================================
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During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the
umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly
yelled, "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

A nearby fan finally yelled out, "Lady,
the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!"

She shouted back, "Hey, how would you know that?
That's my husband, not yours!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== New young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrased performing female exams and had unconsiously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrasement. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny, madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Harvey, 35 of Guernsey, England Fake Oddyssey September 8, 2006 - UK - The Scotsman A diver who claimed he had a miraculous escape after being lost at sea for 58 hours appears to have been staying on dry land during the entire search, police said yesterday. Officers in Guernsey said Matthew Harvey was being investigated over suspicions that he boarded a ferry for mainland Britain shortly after being reported missing on a diving expedition on Saturday morning. He then returned to Guernsey on a ferry on Monday afternoon and got back into the water and waited to be rescued, officers believe. In the meantime, a huge search and rescue operation had been launched for the married 35-year-old in the Fermain Bay area. Lifeboats, Coastguards and hundreds of local residents joined the search, but it was called off at 4pm on Monday - and his parents told he was probably dead. But three hours later at 7pm he was plucked from the water by a passing yacht in the spot where he went diving. He was believed to have survived three days at sea without food or water. Chief Inspector Rory Hardy, of Guernsey Police, said: "We received information from a member of the public and a police force that Mr Harvey was seen in Britain over the weekend. "The allegation is that he left the island by ferry on Saturday lunchtime after going for a dive around 8:30 am and returned on Monday at about 5:30pm. "We are examining whether there are any possible charges to be faced." He added: "In summary, he was not missing at sea or on the coasts of Guernsey as suggested." In a statement on Wednesday, Mr Harvey claimed he was dragged out by a strong tide after being knocked unconscious when he was hit by a boat. He claimed he was left dazed and drifted around the east of the island towards Jersey and at one point was forced to clamber on to rocks. After he was "saved" he spent two days in hospital suffering exhaustion and his father Dan, 66, was seen on local TV tearfully hugging the couple who pulled him on to their yacht. ===========================================
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=========================================== This is a real North Pole sunset. =========================================== Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, usually going on well over an hour. One day she hung up after 45 minutes. "What is the matter today?", asked her husband. "Today you had less than an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.... ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Dear Webby, I have an appointment with a new doctor. I went to his site to download his health questionnaire form to complete before I went to his office. It was in PDF format. I could only read the headings. Everything else was in crazy characters I had never seen. Is there something wrong with my computer? Am I missing some update to my Adobe Reader? You have been helpful to me more than you know. Thanks. Carol D. Dear Carol It opens fine for me and looks OK I tried it both with Foxit, my default PDF reader and with good old (and slow) Adobe Acrobat. If you want Foxit, you can download it at http://www.foxitsoftware.com/default.htm It's free. Most likely your Adobe has some conflict with AOL. Hopefully Foxit will sneak around that. Have FUN! DearWebby Dear Webby You are right, as usual, Webby. I tried downloading the file using Internet Explorer and it worked fine. I actually HATE AOL, but I have so many addys, favorites, saved files, etc. that I have stayed with it rather than have to build everything new. But, one of these days.... Thanks so much for your help. Carol ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light," After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Snowdonia, UK - Ananova A company in Snowdonia has won an award for making greetings cards and gifts out of sheep droppings. Creative Paper Wales won a 20,000 Millennium Award for its Sheep Poo Paper products, reports the BBC. They collect sheep droppings from the surrounding mountains, sterilise it in pressure cookers and recover the washed and undigested fibres. A sheep digests just 50% of what it eats. The recovered fibres are mixed to form paper and cardboard for the company's range of stationery and gift products. Even the washing water is not wasted - it is distributed to local growers as concentrated fertiliser. Founders Lawrence Toms, 38, from Rhondda and Lez Paylor, 38, from Caerphilly, said they had been keen to develop an idea which would be uniquely Welsh. The company's plant at Aberllefenni, near Machynlleth, will be able to produce one to two tonnes of paper a year. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Clothing Bargains September is a great month to find summer clothing on clearance. Keep an eye out for short sleeve shirts, shorts, swim-wear and sandals. You can get next year's summer clothing at clearance prices. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed." Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season. A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, Sept. 12 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Shane P. Harris at Rogers Mortuary, 600 Reynolds, Las Vegas, New Mexico Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== During the Second World War, when many young men were being trained for combat, they were stationed in the deep south, and it was the custom for some of the local residents to offer some Southern Hospitality to our fighting men. One day, in a camp that will remain nameless, the phone rang; a woman at a local woman's school offered to entertain a dozen soldiers at a party being held the upcoming weekend, and would the captain send some of her best behaved men over? The captain agreed, but before he could finalize the agreements, the woman made a request: "Please, suh, don't send any Jewish boys." The captain agreed ... no Jews. The day of the party, the soldiers were dropped off at the school, and knocked on the door. The hostess opened the door ... to the sight of a dozen Black soldiers, all in dress uniforms. "Why, th-there m-must be some kind of m-mistake," she stammered. "No, ma'am," said one of the soldiers, "Captain Rabinowitz, he don't make no mistakes." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Rob Perry Landscapes http://www.robperry.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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