Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 14/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 14, 2006
======================================

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire

Today, there are three kinds of people:
the have's,
the have-not's,
and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's.
-- Earl Wilson

======================================
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this classic:

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gordon Syron, Sydney, Australia Enchanted by modern art September 11, 2006 - Sydney, Australia - AP An art collector who recently bought two paintings for $1.1 million might want to invest in a better way of getting his purchases home. Gordon Syron bought the two contemporary art works from a downtown Sydney gallery on Friday afternoon and put them on his car's roof rack. But he forgot to tie them down and was driving to his nearby home before he realized his mistake. Both paintings fell off. One painting was picked up from the street and handed to police Saturday and the second was returned Sunday after the finder saw a television news report about the loss Saturday night, he said. "A guy picked up the painting after it flew off my car and took it home without really looking at it. I think he liked the frame," Syron said of the second painting. "When I got a call today to tell me about the second painting, I just could not believe my luck," he added. The only damage was scratched frames, he said. ===========================================
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=========================================== Dad was so surprised to see other hikers, that he took a picture of them. =========================================== "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are, as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs." ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allen Re: Precise picture positioning in WORD Dear Webby, How can I position a picture with word at the precise place where I want it, intead of where WORD wants to put it? Thanks Allen Dear Allen That's a secret, as far as Microsoft is concerned,but it can be done quite easily. Click on the picture to make it active. Then click on the little doggie icon for Text Wrap. Select TIGHT. The picture will probably scoot off to somewhere else, where it is not suppoded to be, often on the next page. Click on it a couple of times and then you can drag it to where it belongs. It will probably change it's width and hight in the process, but now you can squish it to the exact size you want, andyou can even rotate it. The TIGHT text wrap setting will make the text flow around it and match the contours. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 11, 2006 - NEW YORK - AP Margaret Johnson might have looked like an easy target in her wheelchair. When a man tried to grab a chain off her neck Friday, the 56-year-old pulled out her licensed .357 pistol and shot him, police said. "There's not much to it," she said in a brief interview. "Somebody tried to mug me, and I shot him." Johnson said she was in Harlem on her way to a shooting range when the man, identified by police as 45-year-old Deron Johnson, came up from behind and went for the chain. Deron Johnson was taken to Harlem Hospital with a single bullet wound in the elbow, police said. He faces a robbery charge, said Lt. John Grimpel, a police spokesman. Margaret Johnson, who lives in Harlem, has a permit for the weapon and does not face charges, Grimpel said. She was taken to the hospital with minor injuries and later released. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry, so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Thanks to Fran for this story: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same hand- some young man I married." "Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:15 a.m. Highland, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Hannah L. McKinney at Immanuel Baptist Church, 28355 Baseline St., Highland, California Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor. "My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of stupid and useless advice did Cohen give you?" "He told me to come and see you...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: All About Canning http://www.pickyourown.org/allaboutcanning.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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