Dear Webby Humor Letter 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

If you ever get a second chance in life for something,
you've got to go all the way.
-- Lance Armstrong

======================================
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Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.

============================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts
were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would
have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green
persimmons though because they are so sour they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She
agreed
to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a
thermon tewday

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to kati for this story: Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "you know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up. " Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing just fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and then the Japanese tourist standing next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicole Delameter. 26, of New Port Richey, FL Dumb place to park! September 13, 2006 - New Port Richey, Florida - AP Nicole Delameter has learned to be more judicious when selecting a parking spot. When Circuit Judge Stanley Mills arrived for work Monday, Delameter's 1990 Oldsmobile was parked in his reserved space at the courthouse. So he parked his 2005 Cadillac behind her car and forced her to sit in his courtroom until he was ready to leave. Delameter, 26, swears she thought the "reserved" sign meant it was reserved for those going to court. She had to sit in the judge's courtroom for more than three hours -- and she had come only to give her sister a ride to a boyfriend's court hearing. "I'm very, very sorry," she told the St. Petersburg Times. "I'll never do it again in a million, million years." Mills said it was the second time in as many weeks that he found someone parked in his space. "There's two perks to the job," the judge said. "I have my own bathroom, and I have my own parking spot, and you're not going to get to use either." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for this picture: =========================================== Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sitting in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers." ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: Embed pictures Dear Webby, How do I put a pix on my e-mails that if you click on them they will remain small thumbnails, please help and thank you in advance...you have helped me so much in the past. Gary Mancini Dear Gary I don't really kow how that is done with hotmail. With most email programs you just copy a picture in a graphics program, jump to the mail program and put the cursor where you want the picture, and hit CTRL V to paste it. If you want to have the picture in every email, make a signature block and put the picture into that. With both of those methods, the pictures will remain in the size that you paste them. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 10, 2006 - Alexandria, Va. - MSNBC The owner of one of the nation's largest Internet software piracy Web sites has been sentenced to more than seven years in prison. Nathan Peterson, 27, of Los Angeles, sold products copyrighted by companies such as Microsoft Corp. and Adobe Systems Inc. at a huge discount on his site, iBackups.net, prosecutors said. The site began operating in 2003 and was shut down by the FBI in February 2005. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Restaurant Nutrition Information If you are watching your weight but still like to eat out, be sure to check out the nutrition information online before going to restaurant. All major restaurant chains and fast food restaurant post their nutrition information on their corporate website. Just type the name of restaurant and "nutrition information" into your favorite search engine and you should find the page you are looking for. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down towards the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobble to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me." The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Hi Webby, Just a note to know how much I enjoy the heck out of your website! Thank you....\ Karen ------------------------- Hi Webby Just to let you know how much I enjoy receiving your E mails here in Bristol England Keep up the good work Zanteman ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Time http://www.time.gov/exhibits.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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