Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 16/06 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

"Only those who dare to fail greatly
can ever achieve greatly."
-- Robert F. Kennedy

What this country needs is more free speech
worth listening to.
-- Hansell B. Duckett

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can,
and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money
to pay for our kids' therapy.
-- Michelle Pfeiffer

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Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.
If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know
about the changes at Google.

============================================

Thanks to Dave for this story:
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring


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If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mifter", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probally right mifter, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Petros Onen, 49, in Athens, Greece Bank ninja September 13, 2006 - Athens, Greece - Reuters A Greek bank robber armed with ninja throwing stars finally ran out of moves Tuesday when police arrested him after an Athens bank robbery. Petros Onen, 49, had held up 11 small suburban bank branches making away with 50,000 euros ($63,590) in recent months, threatening to throw his razor-sharp, palm-size stars -- made famous by the Japanese ninja warriors -- at cashiers, police said. His luck ran out when undercover policemen at the last bank he robbed followed him home and arrested him with his loot, his throwing stars, a fake gun and a list of other bank branches. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Martin for this picture: So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind: Is it the right time? Is anyone watching? Does your partner even want to? Is your breath fresh? And... Should you use some tongue? Then you lean in and just go for it!!! =========================================== An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen. A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it." "Can't," replied the rider. So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: XP Home or PRO Hi Mr Webby; Tell me what's better..... "Windows XP Pro! or Windows XP Home?" and why? Fast Eddie Dear Eddie For you, XP home is better. It's half the price and you'll never know the difference. If it was for a machine that was used to administer a network of more than 10 machines, THEN pay the higher price to get the PRO. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music." "He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 13, 2006 - Lebanon, N.H. - AP Two men are donating kidneys to each other's wives in a four-way surgical swap Wednesday at a hospital in New Hampshire. One of the women will receive a kidney from a stranger who has compatible blood and tissue types. Meanwhile, her husband has turned out to be a compatible donor for the other man's wife. The couples do not know each other. The surgery will be the second kidney transplant for one woman, who hopes it will allow her to live without regular dialysis. The surgeon who'll perform the operation said organs from living donors always work better than those harvested from someone who has just died. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Apple and Dell Laptop Battery Recalls Apple and Dell have had to recalled a large number of potentially unsafe laptop batteries. If your laptop was purchased within the last couple of years you may be entitled to a new battery for your laptop. Dell Battery Exchange Website: https://www.dellbatteryprogram.com/ Apple Battery Exchange Website: https://support.apple.com/ibook_powerbook/batteryexchange/ Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. "The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." ======================================== From Merri Lynn Dear Webby, Could you suggest a site to use to find my husband? I want a divorce, but he has eluded me for the past 18 years, just when I know where he is and get a phone # for him, he up and moves. I know I can get a divorce without knowing where he is but the fact is I have already paid for an online service. This was when he was being agreeable and I thought he was going to stay in one place for awhile-foolish me!!!!! Anyway you have so many wonderful helpful sites to refer to I thought maybe you had a good search engine for this problem. I have his SSN and date of birth. Any help would be great-thanks so much, your cyber friend, Merri Lynn Dear Merri Lynn I have never tried contacting an ex, and have absolutely no clue in that area. However, quite possibly one of the subscribers can steer you in the right direction. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== Thanks to Deeli for this Bonus Link: Watch the movie on that page! Fish Story http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/local_sto ... 64827.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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