Dear Webby's Humor Letter, Sept 17/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 17, 2006
======================================

Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
But there are dishonest men in national government too.
-- Richard M. Nixon

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-- Socratex

======================================
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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down,
and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or . . . !" Scared, the bartender
serves the man his Budweiser.  This happens everyday for a
week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck.
He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand
up for himself.

"Easier said than done," the bartender thinks, but he decides
to try it anyway.  The next day, the hooligan returns, slams his
fist down and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or . . . !"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know about the changes at Google. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Heather Michelle Kane, 22, Mesa, AZ Too jealous for her own good September 14, 2006 - Mesa, Arizona - AP A 22-year-old woman was arrested after authorities say she tried to hire someone to kill another woman whose photo appeared on her boyfriend's MySpace.com Web page. Heather Michelle Kane was booked Tuesday for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder, Mesa Detective Jerry Gissel said. She was arrested after she met an undercover Mesa police detective at a grocery store, gave the officer $400 and offered to pay an additional $100 once the woman had been killed, according to court records. The records said Kane gave the undercover officer photographs taken from her boyfriend's social networking Web page of the woman she wanted killed. She also requested a photo of the woman's dead body. It wasn't clear if the boyfriend and the targeted woman were romantically involved, Gissel said. ===========================================
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=========================================== =========================================== A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Dead drive Dear Webby, All I can tell you about this situation is I was using my son's Computer when I had to leave the room, when I got back to it, no screen , a lot of heat ,so I thinking it was in a sleep mode giggled the Mouse and nothing happened... I heard a loud ticking from the Puter and shut it down... I turned the Computer back on and there was a warning on the screen that the system was missing or there was a corrupt file...it said try to press any key and then when I did it asked to insert Windows Cd. So when my son tried to recover, he had to try 3 times and still the ticking noise was there and would not recover... Any thoughts on this one...Computer was an xp and very expensive. Thank you for all the help you have given me...You’re the best source of info. Jaye Dear Jaye That sounds like a bad hard drive. That ticking is probably the hard drive hunting for the boot sector. You might be able to read it again when it has cooled down, but don't use it for any length of time, just copy the most important stuff you got onto CD's. Make a list beforehand of what is the most important, and don't get sidetracked.. Keep copying until the drive dies again. If the boot sector is too badly damaged and you can't boot up again, put another Windows drive into its place and use the bad drive as a second drive. Quite often you can still copy the data off it that way. If that does not work either, then you can try Drivesavers at http://drivesavers.com. However, they are not cheap! If the data on the drive is not worth at least $2000, don't bother going there. With the next drive, do yourself a favor and get DisKeeper from http://webby.com/diskeeper and let it take care of the drive, or the same will happen again. The problem was not due to anything you did. It was either the way the drive was used without proper tuning over a long period of time, or a mechanical failure that was not seen and reported. Diskeeper would have reported the impending failure before it got out of control. Good Luck DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *YOU* were the officer and that you were trying to make her go back to me." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take theGuadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 9, 2006 - Vergennes, Vermont - AP A woman who learned six weeks before her wedding that her fiancé was cheating on her is turning her would-be reception into a charity benefit. "I'm really just trying to turn it around and make something positive out of it," said Kyle Paxman. Paxman, 29, had planned to celebrate her nuptials at the Basin Harbor Club on Lake Champlain on Saturday. When she found out about her fiancé, she called off the 180-guest wedding and the four-year relationship. She and her mother canceled the band, photographer and florist, but learned they would not be reimbursed for the reception and block of rooms they had reserved. So they turned the reception into a benefit for the Vermont Children's Aid Society and CARE USA, an international relief organization that aims to combat poverty by empowering women. They sent out invitations to 125 women for drinks and a gourmet four-course dinner. In exchange, they hope the guests will make donations to the charities. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crumpled Tin Foil If you don't have a wire brush to clean your outdoor grill, just crumple up some aluminum foil and use that to clean the grill. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:15 p.m. McMinnville, Tennessee Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. John A. Carroll at Mountain View Cemetery, 209 Mountain St., McMinnville, Tennessee Sunday, Sept. 17 at 7:15 p.m. Sunman, Indiana Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Anthony P. Seig at American Legion Headquarters, 412 Eastern Ave., Sunman, Indiana Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. High, Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Lt. Col. Marshall A. Gutierrez at Immaculate Conception Church, 811 6th St., Las Vegas, New Mexico Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!" ======================================== Re Merri Lynn's quest: Dear Merri Lynn, Seems your ex is having fun at your expense playing cat and mouse with you. Stop torturing yourself and accept that you have done some foolish things. Move on. Get your divorce the old fashioned way: Run, don't walk, to your nearest courthouse, ask for the packet of papers for divorce (which should include thorough instructions) fill out the appropriate papers, pay the filing fees and place whatever newspaper notice is required for your circumstance of not being able to serve the actual papers on your spouse. Deeli ----------------------- Dear Webby, Please ask Merri Lynn if she's tried http://www.zabasearch.com/ I've been amazed at what I have been able to find out there! Your other readers may want to know about it, since a lot of personal information is available, and they may want to know what's "on the net" about them. Of course, I'd recommend that Merri Lynn have his papers served to the address she finds there first! If she alerts him ahead of time, he'll conveniently skip again, I'm sure! Hope this is helpful, Laura -------------------------- Hi Webby: Tell Merri Lynn to go to Peoplefinders.com, I found my friends birth parents on that site, great site, cost is 9.95 for phone number, address, etc!!!! Ann ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Pick your news channel http://www.dotso.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. 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