Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 18/06 


Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 18, 2006
======================================

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-- Woody Allen

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
-- Socratex

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract
instead of under observation.
-- Walter Winchell

======================================
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From Myrna
Dear Webby,
a few years ago you had that classic bricklayer's
compensation board letter. Do you still have it?
Can you print it again, please?
Thanks
Myrna

Sure, Myrna, here it is. It must be an all time favorite,
because I remember requests for it, when the Humor
Letter was still in fax format, before the Internet.

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of  my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following  details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work,  found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the  bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a  pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth  floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the  roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went  down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow  descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground  so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now  proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in  section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I  continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my  right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately by this
time I had regained my  presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the  rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now  devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50  lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a  rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third  floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured  ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell  into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I  am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in  pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let  go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey  back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Redhead Denise, after living in sin for too long wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived most of his life in the Australian outback. George and Denise end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds George, her new husband, standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a readhead," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get." =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 19 year old illegal immigrant in Waukesha, Wisconsin Dumb Arsonist September 15, 2006 - Waukesha, Wisconsin - AP Police said a suspected arsonist was arrested after they found his birth certificate at the scene of a fire this week. The 19-year-old man from Waukesha was arrested Wednesday after officials found his birth certificate at the scene of Sunday's fire, Waukesha Fire Marshal Brian Charlesworth said. "You would think somebody wouldn't do that," Charlesworth said. "But, fortunately for us, they did." The man was also being held in connection with a fire on May 29 that damaged a historic home in town. Police and firefighters noted similar characteristics between the two fires. The most recent fire was a series of small ones at a telecommunications business, said Lt. William Graham. The man's birth certificate was found at the back of the building, he said. Immigration officials have been contacted because the man told police he was in the country illegally, he said. Charges could come as soon as Friday, he said. The nearly 100-year-old Nelson House home sustained moderate damage in the blaze and was not destroyed. The home was built in 1910 and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for this picture: Hot-tub race =========================================== Thansk to Sandie for this story: Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even. ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: CC and Diskeeper Dear Webby, Thanks so much for the fun, pic & tips. I saw the letter w/ the sunset pic from your office. My what a nice setting. I downloaded crap Cleaner today & did an initial cleaning. After that when I went to my msn page to get to mail I had to sign in aain. If I do a daily cleaning will I had to do this every time? I saw a box that said I could run CC at startup. Is this advisable? I looked at the options tab & saw that I could opt to keep some "cookies". Will this make it so I do not have to resign in each time after running CC? Also I am wondering about downloading the new Diskeeper & "set it & forget". can I run both Disk & CC? Thanks so much for your help. I do appreciate your time. Sharon Dear Sharon There is no need to clean the cookies out every day, and no need to clean ALL cookies. You can customize Crap Cleaner to do exactly what you want it to do. I just clean the some of the cookies about once a month. The rest of the time I just let it clean the other stuff. DisKeeper is not related to CrapCleaner. Crap Cleaner gets rid of useless crap. DisKeeper defragments the stuff that you keep, and moves important stuff away from areas, that are getting flakey, and marks potholes as places to avoid when Windows writes files to the drive. Diskeeper can be set to run whenever the screen saver comes on. CrapCleaner CAN be run at start-up, but that's not a good idea for people who are impatient to get started ;-) Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, " BS! Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) you have a dirty mind, (2) you didn't read your homework, and (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 14, 2006 - Kenya - AP The Kenya Wildlife Service has begun moving 150 elephants from a small reserve to its largest national park because of overcrowding with rhinos, a spokesman said Wednesday. The first 40 elephants were tranquilized and moved by truck earlier this week from the Ngulia Rhino Sanctuary, about 185 miles east of Nairobi, under the program. The remainder were to be moved by Friday. ''We need to protect the rhinos and allow them space so that their numbers can grow,'' said Patrick Omondi, head of the wildlife service's elephant program. The wildlife service on Sept. 25 also will begin relocating another 250 elephants to Tsavo National Park from the overcrowded Shimba Hills National Reserve, about 218 miles away, under a separate program. Kenya has only 539 rhinos countrywide, about 70 in the Ngulia sanctuary. The country's elephant population is estimated at 35,000, down from a peak of 167,000 in the 1970s. Tsavo suffered its heaviest loss of elephants during the 1980s and early 1990s because of poaching, that has since subsided with the help of a 1989 global ban on the ivory trade. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com T-Shirt and Sweatshirts Save t-shirts or sweatshirts and make them into a quilt. You can also make them into throw pillows. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Pieces of well washed t-shirts also make excellent camera lens and eye glass cleaner rags. They are even softer on camera lens coatings than the expensive micro-fiber lens-cloths. A stack of those, nicely dyed, could be a very much appreciated Christmas gift for a photographer friend. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Lt. Col. Marshall A. Gutierrez at Immaculate Conception Church, 811 6th St., Las Vegas, New Mexico Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Inlaws http://whozoo.org/Anlife99/bethsugg/gorillaindex2.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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