Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 19/06 


Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 19, 2006
======================================

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know
whether what you're doing is work or play.
-- Warren Beatty

======================================
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Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly
to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for
this lovely pie."

"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously,
"would you thank her for two pies?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== "Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Then it dawned on them. =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mayor Don Wright of Gallatin, Tennessee Should have asked to review the script September 17, 2006 - Nashville, Tennessee - Reuters When moviemakers told Gallatin, Tennessee, Mayor Don Wright they wanted to use his office to film a scene with a superheroine, he kindly obliged. But Wright was startled when the movie's title, "Thong Girl 3," and his role in its making was splashed across the front page of Friday's editions of the Nashville Tennessean newspaper. "I had no idea what the movie was about," Wright said on Friday. "They told me it was about a superhero woman and there was no nudity or offensive stuff in it. Other than that, I really didn't have a clue." According to the Thong Girl Web site, heroine Lana Layonme wears a red thong under a cape as she flies over Nashville repelling a villain who is trying to turn country music performers into rappers. The movie is the third in a series released only on DVD. "They said it was family friendly," said Wright who let the locally-based crew use his office for two hours. "We've had a lot of movies filmed in this area during the past few years. In fact, I think Sally Field was in one of them. Anyhow, I thought it was good for business." Residents have not been unkind, Wright said. "Well, it's sure true that no good deed goes unpunished but most of my e-mails about this haven't been bad." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to my dad for sending this picture: This one bloomed last night =========================================== A golfer's drive lands on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decides to hit it where it lies. He gives a mighty swing. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants explodes from the end of his club, but the golf ball remains in the same spot. So he lines up and tries another shot. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants goes flying again. The golf ball doesn't even wiggle. Two ants survive. One dazed ant says to the other, "Whoa. What are we going to do?" Says the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ilah Re: Picture compression Dear Webby: This question has been addressed before but I did not have the brains to print your response and put it on file. IT will be filed this time. How do you compress pictures? We have a large number of snaps of what has to be the world's most beautiful, intelligent and entertaining kitty and we want to send copies to friends and family. I do not know what we would do without your Humor Letter. It gets the day off to a great start. Ilah J. Monts Dear Ilah When you open a picture with a graphics program, like for example Paint Shop Pro, you can re-size it. For example, straight out of the camera it is 2400x1800, for email it should be 640 x 480. So, first you change the physical size and save kitty27.jpg as kitty27-640.jpg. That preserves the original for your archive. Now, when you save kitty27-640.jpg, you can click on the options and select the compression ratio. Compression does not change the physical size, it just changes the color depth, and the file size. Usually a compression of 10 - 15% is quite OK, but over 20% pictures tend to look a bit washed out. Keep in mind that compression is a one way street. Once pixels have been washed out, you can not get them back from Santa Claus and put them back in there. That is why you keep a pure archive copy. If you got too carried away with the compression, you can always start again from the big original. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years". ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband! ....Is this 555-1374? "No, this is 555-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 15, 2006 - Hanover Township, Pennsylvania - IBS As a deputy police chief, James Cavallo Sr. is used to busting the bad guys, but never once did he think he'd have to help bust his own son. "I told my kids when I started this job years and years ago that ‘If you got into trouble, you would face the music. I won't get you out of it. I can't,'"Cavallo said. James Cavallo Jr., 28, was sent Thursday to Northampton County prison after his arrest on suspicion of robbing Susquehanna Bank in Hanover Township, Pa., on Tuesday. "As soon as I saw the picture, my heart sunk," said the father, the acting police chief of Moore Township, Pa. Police said Cavallo Jr. walked in and the handed teller a note indicating he was armed but showed no gun. The teller handed him the money, and he walked out without incident, getting away with about $6,000. Soon after, police investigators sent out a surveillance photo to other police departments. Cavallo Sr. said the man in the photo was unmistakable. "Immediately it was clear. I knew what I had to do," he said. After calling investigators, the chief then came with them to his son's home and showed him the surveillance photo from the bank. That's when police said the son confessed. "He confided that he had a problem with cocaine, and that's why he did it," Cavallo Sr. said Thursday. After the robbery, his son -- who is married with five kids -- drove to Atlantic City, N.J., to buy drugs, then gambled some of the money away, police said. Police said they confiscated about $3,800 of the stolen cash from inside his home. "I hate it, hate drugs and what it does to people," Cavallo Sr. said. The chief said his son has been battling a cocaine addiction over the last four years. He said he hopes by turning him in, he'll finally get the help he needs. "Sometimes, it's not an easy step -- staying in jail, being away from your family -- but it's a necessary step," Cavallo Sr. said ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Old Magazines Give your old magazines to hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, schools or clinics. Schools need magazines for research and for children to cut pictures out of. Any where there is a waiting room there are people hoping for something to read. By Marianne Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== From Dave C in TO Der Webby, Thank you for providing such pleasure and assistance. I use Spybot regularly. Recently, I have been getting a warning window when I attempt to start the Program. It reads: SPYBOTSD.EXE UNABLE TO LOCATE COMPONENT This application has failed to start because framedyn.dll was not found When you press "OK" the ap starts and runs normally. I went to help and it suggests downloading Spybot again. This did not remedy the situation. What am I doing wrong? The second question regards an external hard drive back-up of the C: drive. Should I back-up the entire C: drive including Windows XP and other aps? Thanks again Dave Dear Dave framdyn.dll is a Windows component, not a Spybot component. You can download it from Microsoft: http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... -us;319114 Re back-Up: If you use "Ghost" or a similar program, which writes an image of the C:\ drive, then you CAN back up Windows and applications. Then you can just pop the external drive into the machine and continue working, if the C:\ drive fails. However, you are also copying any problems that may be on the C:\ drive, and if the failure was caused by configs or bad files, you copy that too. Normally you do that just with industrially clean drives that have absolutely no utilities, games or fun stuff, or before you put any of that onto the machine. Most people just back up the data. If the C:\ drive fails, you get a chance for a fresh, clean, fast running installation, and then just restore the data files. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lava Lake http://www.swisseduc.ch/stromboli/perm/ ... ke-en.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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