Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 20/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 20, 2006
======================================

Don't worry that children never listen to you;
worry that they are always watching you.
-- Robert Fulghum

We rarely think people have good sense
unless they agree with us.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

======================================
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Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve.
He came back within a day and said he had found them.

Dr. Watson questioned, "How did you find them so quickly?"

Sherlock Holmes said, "Elementary, my dear Watson.
They were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons."

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  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack) "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out on the sidewalk still does. Watch out, though, she is a wrestling coach!" =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Double Bonehead: mom and the repo person September 18, 2006 - Wilmington, Delaware- AP A 5-year-old boy took an unexpected ride when the car he was in was repossessed and driven to a car dealership, authorities said. A 27-year old woman called police Friday morning to report that her car had been stolen from in front of her home, and that her son was inside the vehicle, said county police spokesman Cpl. Trinidad Navarro. Navarro said the woman had strapped the child into his booster seat, then went back inside her home to make a phone call. Believing that the 1997 Saturn most likely been repossessed, officers called the dealership, where an employee confirmed the repossession but did not know anything about the missing child. The employee then walked outside and found the child crying in the back seat of the vehicle, Navarro said. The 56-year old repo man was taken into custody but later transported to Christiana Hospital after complaining of chest pains. The man, whose name was not released, will not face charges, Navarro said. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Jim for sending this picture: =========================================== This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today." The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today." The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?" ===========================================
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=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Garret Re: Learning Internet Business Dear Webby I read so much about people making big money on the net. How does one sort the wheat from the chaff and select the best courses? Some of them are rather pricey, but from what I hear, the $10,000 courses are not really any better than some low cost insider deals. How does one get into those? Garret Dear Garret It's a matter of being in the right place a t the right time, and making a fast executive decision. Right now, Joel Christopher, one of the top Internet earners, is celebrating his 18th anniversary of becoming an American by giving away a few thousand dollars worth of books and audio recordings for under $10 for the whole package. You probably learn more USEFUL stuff in that package than in a few years at University. You can sneak that package at http://webby.com/bd You probably won't, but if you think you may need more than that, he also has a $97 elite course that you can take later. The trick, though, is to get your foot in the door and get on the inside with the time limited $9.97 deal, and learn the basics first. Naturally, to weed out the procrastinators, that $9.97 deal is only good for a day or two. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" Without hesitation, the father replies, "Oh, about half of them." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 16, 2006 - Tampa, Fla. - AP A Tampa woman being attacked by a Rottweiler decided to bite back. Danielle Nelson was attacked by the 115-pound dog Friday. She broke free at one point, but he attacked again and would not loosen his jaw. So, 20-year-old Nelson bit the dog back. The Rottweiler finally released his grip and a bloodied Nelson went inside the house. Nelson's injuries weren't considered life-threatening but did require surgery. The dog was taken into custody. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com "Faux" Hamburger Fool your finicky eaters with low-fat ground turkey. The trick, add some browning sauce to mixture as you are frying it. It turns the turkey browner, more like hamburger (and doesn't change the clean taste much at all!). By Barb Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== On a warm spring day, Little Johnny was laying on a hill in the middle of a meadow. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. Then he said out loud, "God? Are you really there?" To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. He said, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." Johnny said, "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny," God said. Johnny said, "Wow!" then he got an idea. He said, "You are so generous, God. Can I have just one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Columbus, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Capt. Matthew C. Mattingly at Holy Spirit Catholic Church, 4383 E. Broad St., Columbus, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Titusville, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David W. Gordon at Titusville First Presbyterian Church, 216 N. Franklin St., Titusville, Ohio I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Thanks to Martin for this story: You gotta love this old guy! I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Spy Museum http://www.spymuseum.org/index.asp ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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