Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 23/06 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 23, 2006

Goals are not only absolutely necessary to motivate us.
They are essential to really keep us alive.
-- Robert H. Schuller

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
-- Socratex

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer.  "... or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"And I said KEEP QUIET!  Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.
"I'm the groom!"


  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus for inappropriate censorship
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at
=========================================== An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in a suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" He pulls the American from the car, slides into the drivers seat, and stamping his big boot onto the brake pedal yells "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?" ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Zhang Xinyan, 35 from Henan, China Bear Hug September 21, 2006 - Beijing, China - The Scotsman A drunken Chinese tourist bit a panda at Beijing Zoo after the animal attacked him when he jumped into the enclosure and tried to hug it. Zhang Xinyan had drunk four pitchers of beer before "stumbling to the zoo" and stopping off at the pen holding a sleeping six-year-old male panda, Gu Gu, on Tuesday. Startled, Gu Gu bit Zhang in the right leg, state media said. Zhang, a 35-year-old migrant labourer from central Henan province, got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. Zhang then returned the compliment. "I bit the fellow in the back," he said. "Its skin was quite thick." Zhang had to be taken to hospital, the panda was unhurt. ===========================================
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Marsh Toad =========================================== The following ads actually appeared in newspapers ILLITERATE? Write today for free help. AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again. DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children. STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one. SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. GREAT DAMES for sale. TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it. ===========================================
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=========================================== My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Slow Computer Hi Webby..... I enjoy reading your site, I learn a lot from you. A question: My computer has been running slower than usual; I have run a virus scan, ccleaner, and defraged. My hourglass seems to run all the time, meaning it flashes on and off very quickly. I don't know what else to do to clean up my computer so it can run better. Also, I checked my startup and I have no idea how all of the programs got in there! What do we need to have in startup? Many thanks, Carol Dear Carol The tools in Spybot-Search&Destroy let you weed out the start-ups. Switch Spybot to Advanced, and you'll see the tools. The second tool from the bottom is for controlling the start-up programs. Each program has a description and it won't let you kill those that you really need. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to =========================================== Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring! We never have any fun these days!" For a fiver, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old boy, holding up a five pound note. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did it go?" asked his friend. "Great!" said the streaker, "I won first prize as a dried arrangement!!!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Kudos to these fun loving pranksters ... Does anyone remember the 'Froggy Worldwide Travels' a couple of years ago ??? September 21, 2006 - Morgantown, West Virginia - AP Allen Snyder's garden gnome is apparently out of jail and traveling the country. The 14-inch tall red-and-white statue disappeared from Snyder's yard in the spring, and Snyder has since received three letters claiming to have been written by "Gnomey." The latest letter, which Snyder received this week, included photos of the gnome in the company of Steelers fans attending Pittsburgh's football home opener. "You never took me to any games," the note said. The letter ended: "Have to go now. Boarding a plane. Now, finally, broadening my travels." An earlier letter included a request for bail money and included what appeared to be booking photos of Gnomey and another of the gnome in the back seat of a police car. Snyder isn't sure who's pulling the prank but said his short list of suspects includes several gag-loving friends. The plight of his gnome has gotten a lot of attention. Snyder said people are always asking if he's heard from Gnomey. "I never thought it would go this far," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Refresh Your House Plants Thrifty Reusable Napkins Instead of paper towels, we use washcloths for napkins. The cheap ones work great, and you can wash and reuse them. By CB Tip provided by With some looking around, you can often find sampler packs of micro-fiber cloths. My favorites are the 8" x 8" in assorted colors. As long as you don't put them into the dryer after washing, they beat cotton or linen napkins 10 to 1. Have FUN! DerWebby Check out their new Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ... ;/font> ======================================== In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model. She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair. Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission Impossible." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Kingston, Oklahoma Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Clint E. Williams Saturday, at Kingston High School, 411 NE 3rd Street, Kingston, Oklahoma Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Pearland, Texas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Ryan A. Miller at First Baptist Church, 3005 Pearland Pkwy., Pearland, Texas Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 10:15 a.m., Ft. Washington, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army 2nd Lt. Emily J.T. Perez at Ebenezer AME Church, 7707 Allentown Rd., Ft. Washington, Maryland Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A married college student, noticeably pregnant, keeps rubbing her side during a final exam. Before she leaves, the professor asks if she is OK. "I noticed you were holding onto your side," he says. "Oh, I'm fine," she answers. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor says, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yes," she continues. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Fractals ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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