Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 24/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 24, 2006

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
when they can see nothing but sea.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of
your life when you will be happy to hear that
the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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Thanks to Kati for this story:
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime
I go to bed I think there's  somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able
to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you
were having?" asked  the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and
bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under
there now!"


  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at
=========================================== Just before his scheduled operation, a man is wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair. A nurse stops him and asks, "What's the matter?" The man tells her, "I heard another nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vincent Balestrieri, 36, from Delray, Florida Dumb Shirker September 22, 2006 - West Palm Beach, Florida - AP A Delray Beach police officer surrendered to authorities on Thursday on charges he schemed the police department out of more than $8,000 by claiming he had been called to active duty in Iraq. Vincent Balestrieri, 36, allegedly faked U.S. Navy documents that said he had been called back to active duty in January, a month after buying a home near the Lockheed Martin Information Technology Center in Tampa, where he had been working since Jan. 3. He continued receiving pay from the police department to make up the difference between his salary and his income as a U.S. Navy reservist. Balestrieri was hired by the department in June 2005. The eight-month deception cost the city $8,769.87, authorities said. Lockheed Martin spokesman Joe Wagovich said Balestrieri was hired as a civilian contractor. He said the company was cooperating in the investigation. Balestrieri joined the Navy Reserve in 1998 and is an intelligence specialist attached to U.S. Central Command at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Navy spokeswoman Diane Perry said. Perry said the Navy "will wait until the civilian process has taken its course" before taking any action against Balestrieri. Balestrieri was held Thursday in the Palm Beach County jail on charges of felony organized scheme to defraud and grand theft. His attorney, Stephen James Binhak, said his client will plead not guilty. "He looks forward to addressing this situation in court," Binhak said. ===========================================
=========================================== =========================================== "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Betty-Sue during the first day of school. Betty-Sue pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, cause I ain't never been 'bolted'...." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Chris for this story: My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D." "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re:Spybot Advanced Mode Dear Webby; Thanks so much for the fun letter. I especailly liked the joke about loaning things to ohers. It reminded me of a time my husband asked our son if he had a certain type of tool. He was told there was one in the trunk of his (our son's) car. When my husband went to get the tool he realized it was his own tools & confronted our son about it, telling him he knew it was his tool as he had engraved his initials on it ( which he did to all his tools). Our son then said, "Dad, you loaned it to me but never came & got it back". Oh well, that's a kid for you. My qustion is in regard to the pc tip for Carol. I have Spybot but cannot figure out how to switch to "advanced". I clicked on help & went to tools but could not open it to the startup programs. Am I missing something? Again thanks so much. Sharon Dear Sharon In Spybot click on MODE, left top, just to the right of FILE and select ADVANCED. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to =========================================== Thanks to Anna for this story: I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . . Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . . BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . . And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . . I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious . . . I should get help . . . BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour a few Million years ago, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 20, 2006 - Orlando, Florida - MSNBC It was just a tiny misstep during a dance class routine. But it was enough to cause Nathalie Calderon’s right foot to spin backward 180 degrees. “My teacher nearly fainted,” said Nathalie. But the determined Central Florida girl just asked for a screwdriver — and with a few twists, her foot was again righted. Nathalie, who was born without the lower part of a tibia in her right leg, wears a prosthetic, something she hadn’t bothered to mention to her dance instructor. “It was so embarrassing,” she said, remembering that day several years ago. Now 15, Nathalie has moved on to another instructor, Georgio Fagan of Georgio’s American Dance Centre, where she’s part of the senior company. She’s won three scholarships this year for her dancing, has earned the respect of her peers and the adoration of audiences. The attention is for her dancing, not for her disability, Fagan wants to make clear. “She’s amazing when she performs. She totally draws you in,” he said. “(On stage) that soul of hers just blossoms. It’s almost like she was given a leg.” ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Create Your Ideal Budget Start by listing everything that you spend money on each month and how much you spend. Add up the list to get your current total budget. Once you have that information you can start creating your ideal budget. Look for ways that you can cut your spending in each category and then list the ideal amount next to current amount. At the end of the month, calculate your spending and see how close you came to meeting your ideal spending amounts. Tip provided by Check out their new Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ... ;/font> ======================================== A judge is at lunch one hot summer day and orders coffee with his meal. His companion says, "In this weather, you ought to order iced drinks, Judge -- sharp, iced drinks. Have you ever tried a gin and tonic?" "No," says the judge. "But I have tried many men who have." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Tues., Sept. 26 at 10:15 a.m. Topeka, KS Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Bernard L. Deghand at Sacred Heart Church, 312 NE Freeman Ave., Topeka, KS Wednesday, Sept. 27 at 9:15 a.m. St. Louis, Missouri. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Russell M. Makowski at Kutis Funeral Home, 5255 Lemay Ferry Rd., St. Louis, Missouri. Thursday, Sept. 28 at 9:15 a.m. Independence, MO Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. 1st Class Michael T. Fuga at St. Mary's Church, 600 N. Liberty, Independence, MO Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== President Calvin Coolidge was notorious for his reluctance to talk. One Sunday he went to church by himself, and when he returned to the White House, his wife asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yes," the President told her. "What was it about?" she asked. "Sin." "What did the minister say?" "Seems to be against it." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Men In Coats ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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