Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 25/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 25, 2006

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
-- Spike Milligan

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Thanks to kati for this story:
 The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife
 looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
 Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she
 was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned
 into a telephone pole!"


  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at
=========================================== The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the health care system in England Notice of death was greatly exaggerated September 22, 2006 - UK - The Scotsman A woman recovering from major surgery returned from a doctor's appointment to find a letter telling her she was dead. Julia Warnes had suffered complications following a hysterectomy last year which left her seriously ill. She required an operation on a twisted bowel. After an appointment for a blood test, she came home to find the letter from Sutton and East Surrey Water. Addressed to the household, it explained that her direct debit had been cancelled due to her death and advised the family to contact the company to find out how this would affect water charges. Luckily Mrs Warnes, a 46-year-old mother-of-two, saw the funny side. She said: "It was very ironic after everything I've been through. I thought 'Am I? Well you'd think the doctor would have told me'. "You've got to see the funny side. When my husband found out he asked what it was I was supposed to have died of, because if it was accidental he was in for a lot of money." ===========================================
=========================================== Lower Vermundt Lake =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this report: SILLY LAWSUITS In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label. A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding" A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing.... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving." A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof." A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult." An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks" A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious" A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes" A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner" A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn" A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping" A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use" A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place" A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms" A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes" A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire" A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity. ===========================================
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=========================================== Her: "How's your history paper coming?" Him: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful. Her: "Really?" Him: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Armond Re: How difficult are postcards? Dear Webby, I have been told that the only way I can increase traffic to my site is to either pay through the nose for ads, or set up postcards to attract visitors. How difficult is it to set up postcards? Armond Dear Armond If you are web literate and don't freak out at the sight of naked HTML, it's easy. You get the templates and simply replace the picture names. Instead of sample1.jpg you put in doggie1.jpg, and so on. You DO need to have your own pictures. Otherwise your site would be the same as others, and no reason for anybody to go to yours. Pick a narrow topic, that is of interest to your potential clients, and build the site that has the best collection of pictures in that narrow topic. Then you will get plenty of targeted visitors quickly. To get the free templates, go to Start with the Free Basic. Not because it is free, but because it is very basic, without all the fancy options. That way you will easily see and understand the concept. You can always upgrade at any time, without losing your previous work. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to =========================================== A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" The speedometer showed 100 miles an hour. They were trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "Do you bozos want some help getting out of the mud?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 22, 2006 - Shapokpee, Minnesota - Happy News On Saturday, September 30, 2006, local quilting enthusiasts will come together at Mall of America for the first-ever national Quilt Pink Day, a fundraising event to benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Hosting the event locally will be 21 quilt shops across Minnesota and Wisconsin and Minnesota Quilters Inc., a statewide quilting organization. On Quilt Pink Day, quilters across the area will be making pink quilts to send to Better Homes and Gardens(R) American Patchwork & Quilting(R) magazine for an online auction slated for May 2007. Proceeds from the auction will be presented to the Komen Foundation the following October. To volunteer or for more information visit: http://www.mnpink com or call Eagle Creek Quilt Shop 952-233-3774. For national event information: ============================================= Yes, you got one more chance to get Joel Christophers birthday blowout stack of marketing books and seminar audio files. The package is worth a few thousand dollars to anybody who wants to become an Internet entrepreneur, but to celebrate the 18th anniversary of becoming an American, Joel Christopher gives you this big stack for under $10. If a work at home career interests you, then click here ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Discretionary Vs. Mandatory Spending When making a budget, be sure to identify Discretionary and Mandatory expenses. Mandatory expenses are things like health insurance and rent that you cannot afford to do without. Discretionary expenses are things that aren't crucial to you or your families existence like a NetFlix subscription or eating out. When times get rough financially or when you want to save money for something, you can start by eliminating discretionary expenses from your monthly budget. Tip provided by Check out their new Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ... ;/font> ======================================== Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Tues., Sept. 26 at 10:15 a.m. Topeka, KS Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Bernard L. Deghand at Sacred Heart Church, 312 NE Freeman Ave., Topeka, KS Wednesday, Sept. 27 at 9:15 a.m. St. Louis, Missouri. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Russell M. Makowski at Kutis Funeral Home, 5255 Lemay Ferry Rd., St. Louis, Missouri. Thursday, Sept. 28 at 9:15 a.m. Independence, MO Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. 1st Class Michael T. Fuga at St. Mary's Church, 600 N. Liberty, Independence, MO Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Virtual Tours ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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