Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 28/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 28, 2006
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One forgives to the degree that one loves.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

It's not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts.
-- Adlai Stevenson-Nightingale

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A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to sound like he
knew what he was doing and went out walking with one of
the hired hands.  Walking through the barnyard, the visitor
tried starting a conversation and said, "Say, look at that
big bunch of cows over there."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows.  There's a big bunch of 'em
right over there."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo mail  for losing mail
   Telus    for losing mail
   hotmail  for getting worse than usual

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson. "And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two." "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson. "Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does YOU to go to church." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Raymond, James and Richard Pattin from Hamburg, NJ Wedding Violence September 25, 2006 - Gloucester, Massachusetts - CBS A wedding in Gloucester over the weekend will be one to remember and for all the wrong reasons. A groom and his brother were arrested for allegedly beating up their father because he had too much to drink and became violent. According to a report in the Gloucester Daily Times, all four police units in town were called to the Ocean View Inn on Atlantic Avenue around 8:30 p.m. Saturday, because of a family fight after a wedding. Police told the paper 53-year-old Raymond Pattin of Woodbridge, New Jersey and his three sons had been arguing, after the youngest son, a 16-year-old, hid a bottle of wine from him, because they thought he had too much to drink. The father allegedly became furious, then shoved and hit the teen. That's when, police say, the two older brothers jumped in, took their father outside, had an argument, and then beat him up. Police told the paper they found the father in one of the guest rooms. He was not wearing a shirt and he was bleeding from a cut above his right eye. They arrested Pattin and his two oldest sons - the groom, 24-year-old James Pattin of Hamburg, New Jersey and his 19-year-old brother, Richard, also of Hamburg. All three were charged with domestic assault and battery. They were scheduled to appear in Gloucester District Court at 9 a.m. Monday. But they did not show up. The court clerk said it is likely arrest warrants will be issued for all three men. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door." ===========================================
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=========================================== A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Norman what is your problem?" Norman answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Norman to the principal's office. While Norman waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Norman was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Norman: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Norman: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Norman can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?" The principal and Norman both nod in agreement. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Norman, after a moment: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Norman replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K', and always means a lot of commotion and excitement? Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Norman in the fifth grade, I missed the last three questions myself." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Malcolm Re: Too much spam Dear Webby, I can't keep up with my work because of all the spam I get. And no, I can't change the company email addresses. How good is that mailwasher that you keep mentioning? I want your honest opinion of it. Malcolm Dear Malcolm The reason I have the link for Mailwasher in the full version of the Humor Letter is because I highly recommend it. It reduces the 2000+ pieces of mail I get every day to the 200 that I need to see and answer. It washes the mail on the server, without wasting time to download more than the headers. It's easy to use and rock solid. Once every hour I hit F5 and it checks the mail. It downloads the headers and sorts and color codes the list. I glance over it to check for false positives, then hit F6. That causes it to dump the spam and open Eudora for downloading the legitimate mail. Unfortunately it does not have a feature for nuking the spammers, but other than that, it has everything a professinal grade spam control program should have. If the version of the Humor Letter that you are subscribed to doesn't have a button to get it, browse to http://webby.com/mailwasher http://webby.com/mailwasher Testdrive the free trial version, and if you like it, buy it a month later. I have recommended MailWasher for over three years and have heard only good things about it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 25, 2006 - Syringa, Idaho - Lewiston Tribune It was a ricochet nearly 50 years in the making. At age 8, Terry Jackson gave up his prized .22-caliber Winchester short-barrel rifle to get his grandmother a washer. Recently, the 57-year-old got the gun back through a series of chance encounters and conversations. "I didn't even have much reaction," said Jackson. "I was so dumbfounded." As a boy, Jackson felt bad that his grandmother was too poor to have a washer. So he took the rifle he had earned money for by mowing lawns and doing other chores to a pawn shop. "That was the only thing I had that was worth anything," Jackson told The Lewiston Tribune. The pawn shop owner agreed to trade a wringer washer for the rifle. When the washer was delivered to his grandmother, Edna Jackson, she refused it until realizing the sacrifice her grandson had made. "She just couldn't believe it," Jackson said. The rifle, meanwhile, remained with the pawn shop owner, Bill Jackson. He never sold the rifle, instead giving it to family friend James Grow in the 1980s, recounting the story that accompanied the rifle. "He told me the story but I never thought anything about it," Grow said. "I didn't even know who Terry Jackson was at the time, although Bill did tell me his name." Grow said Bill Jackson told him the gun might be worth something someday. He never shot the rifle and kept it in his closet. Grow become an attorney in Lewiston, and Terry Jackson recently hired Grow to do some legal work. The connection might not have been made about the rifle except for a conversation Becky Brotnov, Terry Jackson's companion, had with Grow during a business lunch. She told the story of Terry Jackson giving up the rifle to get the washer. "All of a sudden it dawned on me, I own the gun," Grow said. After hearing the story, Grow said he knew he wouldn't keep the gun. So he recently drove to Terry Jackson's home to return the rifle. "That was a really nice thing he did for his grandma," Grow said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Apply For Credit Too Often Don't apply for credit if you think you will be denied. Don't try to apply for credit cards too frequently. Submitting too many credit applications in a short period of time can lower your credit score and make it more difficult to get credit when you really need it. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But...where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But only kosher food you still eat?", asks mama. "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?" ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be shown here in the Humor Letter. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Dear Webby, I always look forward to receiving your newsletter, a wonderful combination of jokes and computer education. The amazing part of the camel picture in today's newsletter though, is the fact that what you're seeing is the shadows of the camels and the live camels are the black and white strips at the feet of the camel shadows. Just thought you'd like to know! Eileen If you missed yesterday's issue, you can see it in the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Most Wanted http://www.amw.com/show_archive/tv_detail.cfm?id=653 ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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