Dear Webby Humor Letter, Oct 3/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 3, 2006
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Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother
before his sister does.
-- Evan Esar

If you don't know where you are going,
you will probably end up somewhere else.
-- Laurence J. Peter

"I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the
effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about
everybody in,
except the English."
-- Calvin Tillin

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Ed told me his buddy came in late one day because
his car lock had become frozen. The guy defrosted it by
holding the key in a candle flame to get it hot enough to just
"slide" through the ice.  The guy said, "That worked so well
I've got a bunch of candles in the glove box in case it happens
again."

Ed said, "How will you get them out?"

--------------------
A lighter works fine too. But don't try that trick without
gloves! The hottest part of the key is the part that you
shield from the wind, with your fingers.

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  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo mail  for losing mail
   Telus    for losing mail
   hotmail  for losing more mail than usual

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on our fence and for two weeks straight they were pulling splinters out of all the neighbors." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rodney McMillen, 36, of Covington, Kentucky Kentucky Tarzan September 29, 2006 - Mitchell, Kentucky - AP A northern Kentucky man wearing only a thong and carrying a knife allegedly videotaped himself attempting a burglary, then left the tape behind, police said. That evidence ultimately led to his arrest, Fort Mitchell Police Chief Steve Hensley said. Rodney McMillen, 36, of Covington was charged over the weekend with first-degree burglary. "This is a very, very bizarre case, to say the least," Hensley said. McMillen allegedly broke into a woman's apartment about 3 a.m. EDT on Sept. 20, clad in only thong underwear and carrying a knife, Hensley said. The woman fended off the attacker, who left the apartment and fled into a stand of trees near the apartment complex, Hensley said. Investigating officers found a video camera the burglar left in the apartment, Hensley said, and found video of McMillen's family on the end of the tape, Hensley said. Investigators were able to identify some of them and tracked down McMillen at his mother's house in Norwood, Ohio, Hensley said. McMillen was lodged in the Hamilton County Justice Center in Cincinnati on $50,000 bond, awaiting extradition to Kentucky. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Martin for this picture and story: I thought each of you could use a little comic relief today. Here's the story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found... ===========================================
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=========================================== The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered, "Insanity." The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?" ===========================================
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=========================================== An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?" The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!" The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rhonda Re: Comcast For Judy RE: Comcast Pick up your phone every single time your connection is slow or down. Ask for an event number and write it down. I had problems and after MANY calls they finally sent a tech out. (make sure you aren't paying for the tech also) I kept their tech in my house for almost 6 hours so he could also experience high priced, always on internet connection. It also wouldn't hurt to ask for a credit on your bill. After all, you are paying for 24/7 connection. Below is a link to the speed test site their tech used on my machine. Run a test on a good day and record it. Good Luck Rhonda Thanks Rhonda! Another good speed test is http://www.internetfrog.com/mypc/speedtest/ Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond. I only came to feed the alligator." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 29, 2006 - Manchester, New Hampshire - AP Talk about customer service. When a would-be robber pulled a knife on a customer in Yogi's Convenient Mart in Manchester and demanded money, the store clerk didn't reach for the cash register. Instead, Richard Cote swung into action: He grabbed a baseball bat from behind the counter and whacked the robber. Twice. Cote said he just reacted spontaneously to protect his customer. The attempted robbery yesterday and Cote's swift reaction were all recorded on a store surveillance video. After getting hit by Cote's swinging bat, the man ran and dropped the knife outside the store. Police arrested Christopher Johns, 36, in connection with the botched robbery. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Small Handy Tool Box Put together a small tool box for making minor repairs around the house. Fill it with the essentials: hammer, screw drivers, a chisel, pliers, scissors, a small level, a tape measure and anything else you find yourself needing frequently. Keep it in a safe convenient place and make sure all the tools and the tool box is put away when it's done being used. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Even though plastic toolboxes are quite cheap nowadays, you can often find metal fishing tackle boxes at yard sales for even less. Keep an eye out for one that is strong enough to stand on, and that is lockable. Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== After a round of golf, 4 elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?" The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?" The bar tender simply smiled and said: "A 'rider' is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart." ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be mixed in with the humor here in the Humor Letter, but one click away at the Pervert Alerts If you want to link to the Daily Pervert Alerts, you are most welcome. You can even pull the Pervert Alerts right into your page automatically, without having to re-upload the new ones daily. Just paste the following code at the spot in your pages where you want the Pervert Alerts to appear. Just the code between the lines: ======================================== ======================================== With some types of email programs, you can even paste that code into your signature box. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, "How come you aren't married?" Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet." George: "So what are you looking for?" Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house- keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU." Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Collision at 37,000ft http://snipurl.com/xv7q ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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