Dear Webby Humor Letter, Oct 7/06: Zone Alarm Problem 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 7, 2006

 "Liberty, taking the word in its concrete sense,
consists in the ability to choose."
-- Simone Weil

 "The very essence of leadership is that you have to have
vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet."
-- Theodore M. Hesburgh

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount
of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor
noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for her, saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.


That reminds me,.....
Shirley, please pay your overdue bill!
My patience is coming to it's end.

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=========================================== A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to Yahoo mail for losing mail Hotmail for losing mail
If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at
=========================================== Thanks to Allan for this story: It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." *Click...* ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pet 'Stage' Parents Conceited Pet Owners October 4, 2006 - Los Angeles - AP Owners of a Rottweiler and other dogs have sued a company called Hollywood Paws for failing to help turn their pooches into stars. More than a dozen pet owners contend the company collected tens of thousands of dollars but never delivered on promises to get film and television auditions for their pets. "I lost a lot of money," said Rachel Armstrong, owner of Goliath the Rottweiler. Armstrong said she believed her dog had the "cool" factor that would get him into music videos and paid nearly $2,000 to Hollywood Paws LLC for training. All she got was a rejection from "The Tyra Banks Show." Attorney Cynthia Mulvihill filed the suit in Superior Court last month. "Who wouldn't want to be told, 'Hey, your member of the family is beautiful and should be in the movies?"' she asked. Hollywood Paws offers training in such media skills as getting a pooch or cat to crawl, freeze or scratch on command. On its Web site, the company warns: "Completing these courses won't guarantee that your house pet will become a screen pet." Hollywood Paws owner Larry Lionetti contends he never promised acting jobs, although he said several animals had won spots in commercials. "Everybody knows down in your town that there are actors and actresses waiting on tables until a part comes along," he said. "Who in L.A. doesn't know this?" ===========================================
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: ===========================================
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=========================================== Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life. "So, John, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," John shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object...." ===========================================
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=========================================== A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lisa Re: Zone Alarm problem Dear Webby Yesterday I downloaded the updates for Zone Alarm.... curiously, right after that, internet explorer stopped being able to load web pages. My windows live messenger stopped being able to sign in and pictures in emails started showing up as x's. My email still works though. I called Earthlink, after a few ping tests, they suggested a system recovery. It was TURNED OFF for some reason, when I turned it on... it wouldn't let me go back to any previous restore point! (I have used it once). So... they suggested I reload IE, meaning I would have to save all my personal files and reload my xp system. I tried that, it wouldn't let me, saying that my version of xp is newer than the one that came with the computer. I can't get online to dl another copy of IE so I got one elsewhere on a disc. I loaded IE 7.0 but it won't work either. Now what??? Thanks! : ) Lisa Dear Lisa You are asking a Dodge mechanic what to do, after the Yugo, that you got free at the junkyard, failed to stop at the end of the garage, smashed through it and the air conditioner, and then wound up in the neighbor's pool. I would suggest not making a habit of doing that, no matter how hilarious it appears to onlookers. At this point it's impossible to tell whether your free Yugo caused the problem, or whether it simply allowed bad stuff to enter your machine. The damage is done. Earthlink is right. It's probably fastest to save your data, format the machine and re-install Windows from your original installation CD. To avoid making a habit out of what you did, I would highly recommend that you use McAfee instead of Zone Alarm. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Three pastors from different congregations were having lunch and sharing experiences and ideas to help each other out with their different fellowships. After several minutes of animated conversation, the first one remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem at our church that I want to discuss with you guys." The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats. We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good church service." The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head. The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly. "Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy. We got up there, got to know 'em a little bit. Pretty soon we had them come on down, got 'em baptized and part of the congregation. Haven't seen 'em since." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos October 3, 2006 - Marion, Indiana - AP Cheryl Walker is out of the doghouse. For real. She spent 30 days living in a 4-by-7-foot kennel in the Marion area. She is a member of the local Humane Society's board of volunteers. And her stunt raised more than $8,100 to help finance a new animal shelter. Walker said she's glad to be home. But she said she misses her four-legged kennelmates. Walker added that she was crying when she left the kennel. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Wax Paper and Curtain Rods Wipe your curtain rod with a piece of wax paper. Your hangers will slide more easily. Tip provided by Check out their new Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ======================================== A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Keep trying," snapped the little old lady, "you are not even close yet!" ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but the results will not be mixed in with the humor here in the Humor Letter, but one click away at the Pervert Alerts Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== DearWebby, I am a recent subscriber and just wanted to say thanks for your time and effort you put into your Daily Newsletters. They seem to be a good blend of humor, info and help. Very enjoyable and it shows how much you truly enjoy helping others solve their problems as well. Thanks again, Benster
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at
======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link: Clouds ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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