Dear Webby Humor Letter, Oct 17/06: No Tilt 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 17, 2006
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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's just the opposite.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

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Thanks to LittleMiss for this sweet story:
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, JUST LET ME!
-
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate.
-
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short
time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
-
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist
to hold her up.  A grandson, who arrived late, came up to
Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good!
How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

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=========================================== A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to Shaw.ca for losing mail (not all provinces) Yahoo Mail for losing mail again
If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead . Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to two 18 year old lil girlies Hair Fight in High School October 15, 2006 - Des Moines, Iowa - AP Two teenagers are accusing each other of assaulting each other by haircut. An 18-year-old Des Moines East High School student told police Wednesday that another teenager came up behind her with a pair of scissors and began cutting her hair. The student claimed that when she tried to get the scissors away from her attacker she was cut on her hand and face. Officers then interviewed the female suspect, also an 18-year-old. She claimed it was the other student who picked up the scissors and began furiously cutting her hair. The suspect was missing "a large quadrant of hair from the front of her head," according to a police report. Officers are investigating both claims. No charges have been filed. Crime scene investigators were called to take photographs of injuries and haircuts. ===========================================
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=========================================== =========================================== Mycheers Fall Postcards Huge selection, all of them free postcards. =========================================== Thanks to Allen for this story: Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado. So we flew to Denver and rented a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River. Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swaying in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said. "What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental." ===========================================
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=========================================== A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over- time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday." ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Libby Re: Not getting subscription Webby, I didn't receive my Humor Letter Yesterday or Today. I have call my ISP Bellsouth and had them check it out. They tell me that there is no problem on their end. I wanted to check with you and see if everything is ok on your end. (I'm sure it is, just checking) I also checked with McAfee to see my spam settings. Nothing on my PC has changed. All settings are the same as they have been for the last 5 years. I checked my mail thru Bellsouth.net and Outlook Express. It didn't come thru on either one. However I did go to the web site and read the Humor Letter so that I wouldn't miss anything. Thanks for making that option available to your readers. If you can give me any other options to check it would be greatly appreciated. Your Fan Always, Libby Dear Libby libby*****@bellsouth.net|Libby|humor That tells me that your subscription has been sent to you today and every day. Well, it has been sent TOWARDS you. Once it has entered the server of Bellsouth.net, there is nothing more that I can do about it. If your probems with Bellsouth persist, just get a gmail address. You can set your gmail address to forward a copy to your bellsouth address. That will help you pinpoint exactly where the problem is. If you need a referral to gmail, let me know. It only takes a second to generate one. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== One day our Little niece Rita, went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?" My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure better than what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Toronto." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos October 16, 2006 - Kenowa, West Virginia - AP Ric Griffith already has 2,400 pumpkins in his back yard and there are 600 more to be delivered. He said his wife calls his annual pumpkin craze an obsessive-compulsive disorder, but those who visit the "Pumpkin House" on Halloween might call it an astonishing display. Griffith has carved a total of 25,798 pumpkins since 1978. As the number of pumpkins he attempted to carve each year multiplied, more and more volunteers have been needed to help with the process. "The most important part is scooping out the guts of the pumpkins," he said. "We have hundreds of volunteers who start coming on Oct. 25 to help." Griffith said Habitat for Humanity sends volunteers each year who collect the seeds and the other pumpkin innards to make pies, breads and other treats. They sell them in a fundraiser. This year, the 57-year-old pharmacist plans to work a new, high-tech display that will be made up of a 16-by-16 wall of pumpkins playing the "1812 Overture." It'll be done using a computer program that will synchronize lights in the pumpkins with the music. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check the Sell By Date Do you find that milk, meat, cheese, or bread goes bad on you before you have a chance to use it? When shopping, always note the "sell by" date. Most foods will last a week past the "sell by" date. If you don't think you can use it in that amount of time look around for a product with a later "sell by" date. If you already own food you won't be able to use, simply freeze it by the "sell by" date. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Craft Projects everyday at ThriftyFun! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "Hey, pal, I don't mind bringing one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold." "Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor." "Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask." Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?" The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've gotten married and promised to give up drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though." ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but the results will not be mixed in with the humor here in the Humor Letter, but one click away at the Pervert Alerts Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Dear Webby Maybe you could tell Jaybird, who types with one finger, that there are keyboards made for someone like him - lefthand or righthand keyboards or there are keyboards that can be used with a mouse instead of his finger. There are many options. He might try this website: http://www.unr.edu/stsv/slservices/drc/ ... oards.html Linda Valentine
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Arturas from http://zverte.com/ for this Bonus Link: Fluid mechanics http://www-math.mit.edu/~bush/bones.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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