Dear Webby Humor Letter, Oct 22/06: Instant Start Screen Saver 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 22, 2006
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All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered;
the point is to discover them.
-- Galileo Galilei

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to
become as mediocre as possible.
-- Margaret Mead

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After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole'
boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on
Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon
that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever
did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but
please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity
in the Lord's house."

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help
myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you
behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to
know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in
that there collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!"

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=========================================== A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to Shaw.ca for losing mail (not all provinces) Yahoo Mail for losing mail
If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' " ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Parents in Scotland and England Kids dumber than parents October 16, 2006 - Scotland - The Scotsman Scots schoolchildren are losing the ability to learn for themselves, because they are getting too much help with homework from their parents, a leading university principal has warned. Professor Andrew Hamnett, the vice-chancellor of Strathclyde University, says coursework outside the classroom is becoming "seriously debased" because examiners cannot be sure that pupils are doing it for themselves. He says the problem is also leading to increasing numbers of university students plagiarising their coursework from the Internet because they do not have the ability to seek out their own information. The problem is so bad in England that one examination board has scrapped the coursework element of maths exams to prevent parents from being able to influence their children's marks. =========================================== =========================================== Thanks to JJS for this picture: ===========================================
Mycheers Fall Postcards Huge selection, all of them free postcards.
=========================================== The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't fit my theory. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" ... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. ===========================================
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=========================================== Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many dam people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband couldn't stand me!" ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ricky Re: Instant Start Screensaver Dear Webby, Wanted to ask you a couple questions... 1. Is there a hotkey, or combination of keys I can hit real quick that will start my screensaver? I seem to remember being able to do that on the old mac that I used in elementary, now I am on Windows XP. 2. I would like to be able to see part of my desktop at all times. The windows that I keep open are IE windows, and Outlook, thats it. I like to keep them tiled perfectly, each time I start the computer or these programs i have to readjust their size again, and their position as well, is there a way to set it so that when I open an IE window and Outlook they open at the sme size and same position every time? Thank you Webby!!! -Ricky Dear Ricky Do a search for *.scr files and locate your favorite screen savers. Right-click them, Send-To, Desktop. When you double-click any of those screen saver shortcuts, that screen saver starts instantly. Now you can right-click that shortcut, go to Advanced, and select a hot-key for it, for example CTRL ALT S 2) In Explorer, Tool, Folder Options you can set the windows to open at the previous size and location. Some bug in XP causes it to forget that after about 25 start-ups, but is pretty good about it in between. Have FUN! Dear Webby ========================================== The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. So, he went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "Regret -- cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos October 17, 2006 - Edmonton, Canada - Canadian Press It's finders, keepers - even when the item in question is a mysterious envelope containing $18,000 cash stuffed into the wrong post office box, an Alberta court has found. Justice Marguerite Trussler of Court of Queen's Bench ruled an Alberta man who found the envelope and turned it over to police should get it back instead of the money staying with the federal government. In a written decision released last week, Trussler quoted a legalese version of a rule honoured from playground to boardroom. "The finder of a chattel acquires title that is good against the entire world except for the true owner." In July 11, 2005, Burton Thomas opened a postal box he rents in Edmonton from Canada Post to find a bubble-wrapped courier envelope. According to court documents, Thomas had received such envelopes before and opened the latest one without looking at the address. Inside, he found 18 bags, each containing $1,000 cash. He then checked the address and found the envelope had been sent from Ontario and was intended for another post office box at the same location as his. Thomas photocopied the money and took the cash to police later that night. RCMP contacted the intended recipient, but to no avail. "The intended recipient of the envelope refused to provide any explanation or acknowledgment of ownership of the money," reads the judgment. As well, police found that the intended recipient had moved from Edmonton back to Ontario and was living at the return address found on the envelope. In December, the government began legal action to keep the money under laws governing proceeds of crime. But Thomas fought the attempt and pointed out no charges were ever laid. Trussler found that in the absence of both criminal charges and anyone coming forward to claim the money, Thomas's claim was the strongest - and, in fact, serves the public good. "People should be encouraged to act honestly," Trussler wrote. "Thomas returned the money after discovering that the envelope was not addressed to him . . . He should not be punished for his laudable actions of seeking out the true owner." Thomas was awarded both the $18,000 and his legal costs.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get an Estimate for Car Repairs Always get an estimate in writing before having repair work done on your car. Once the repairs are done, only pay for the repairs that you authorized. Pay with a credit card so you can reverse the charge if there is a problem with the work that the repair shop won't remedy. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Craft Projects everyday at ThriftyFun! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!" ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but the results will not be mixed in with the humor here in the Humor Letter, but one click away at the Pervert Alerts Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Hi Webby, I've just opened my gmail account and from all that I've discovered so far, I think it's terrific. Should have asked about this a long time ago. Thanks so much!! Have a great weekend. Connie ---------------------------------------------- Dear Webby: Thanks for all the Humor Letters which start my day with a smile or a good hearty guffaw! Some of your jokes are so hilarious, that I am able to translate them into Spanish (the language spoken in Argentina where I live) and tell them to my friends and family. Do keep them coming!! Have a wonderful day Manin
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Thanks to Dianne at Funk.fire-cat.com for this Bonus Link: Photo-Quiz http://www.modestypanel.com/whatisit/
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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