Dear Webby: What to do about scams 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  November 28, 2006

Holding anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of
throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
--- The Buddha

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My mother and I were walking down the street when a man
stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too
much sex  in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "Since Bob, my husband,
stopped coming to the movies, I get too wrapped up in the
film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."


  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to for censoring mail
   Yahoo for losing mail for losing mail
   MSN for losing mail for losing mail

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at
=========================================== Thanks to Kati for this story: This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and the toothbrush, I think I got most of them all back in." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to November 24, 2006 - Santiago, Chile - The Scotsman Mapuche Indians in Chile are trying to take the global software giant Microsoft to court in a legal battle which raises the question of whether anyone can ever "own" the language they speak. The row was sparked by Microsoft's decision last month to launch its Windows software package in Mapuzugun, a Mapuche tongue spoken by around 400,000 indigenous Chileans. At the launch in the town of Los Sauces, Microsoft said it wanted to help Mapuches to embrace the digital age and "open a window so the rest of the world can access the cultural riches of this indigenous people". But Mapuche tribal leaders have accused the US company of violating their cultural and collective heritage by translating the software into Mapuzugun without their permission. They sent a letter to Bill Gates, the Microsoft founder, accusing his company of "intellectual piracy". "We feel like Microsoft and the Chilean education ministry have overlooked us by deciding to set up a committee to study the issue without our consent, our participation and without the slightest consultation," said Aucan Huilcaman, one of the Mapuche leaders behind the legal action. Microsoft declined to comment on the case, saying they could not do so until it is legally resolved. A judge in Santiago is due to decide in the next two weeks whether the company has a case to answer. "If they rule against us we will go to the Supreme Court, and if they rule against us there we will take our case to a court of human rights," said Lautaro Loncon, a Mapuche activist. The case has sparked comment on internet blogs. Many Chileans appear to feel it is absurd for the Mapuche to claim the intellectual rights to their language, and say the Indians should be pleased to see it used on the worldwide web. ----------------------- The Mapuche speak many dialects and have a few diffferent graphemaries (semi-symbolic alphabets). It seems that the Chilean government and Microsoft picked the one that is used by the silent majority, instead of the one favored by a few noisy, Cuban and US Democrat supported activists. It is very unlikely that the Chilean government will back down or that Microsoft will produce a second Mapuchi version of Windows, but the noisy activists will probably get a lot of money from bleeding heart do-gooders all over the world. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Arturas for these pictures. Actually he sent me even more, but I just combined the best 8 into one. The Chinese are masters in combining photography and martial arts stances for efficient aerobic exercises. Thanks to Chenli in Chongqing, China for helping me translate the caption for the picture. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Chuck for this story: One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..." I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh," I stammered. She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?" ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: What to do about a scam? Dear Webby, My friend shared your today's message with me. Delightful. She also suggested you might be able to answer a question for me. This morning I received a spam message from "someone" purporting to be "An American Soldier" but really it was spam (i.e. discovered some money in Iraq and needed help, etc.). It made me angry. Is there anyone I can send this spam message to and they can stop it?? Thank you. Linda Dear Linda That's just a 419 scam, also called "Nigerian scam" or "Advance Fee scam", and it has been going around since the first Iraq war. Unless you are willing to travel to Nigeria and take the law into your own hands, about all you can do is send it to the US Secret Service. US Secret Service Financial Crimes Division 950 H Street N.W. Suite 5300 Washington, DC 20223 Phone: (202) 406-5850 Fax: (202) 406-5031 The Secret Service is not really doing anything about it, even though this scam costs Americans over 100 Million Dollars a year, but apparently they draw up neat charts showing how many more people fall for that same old scam each year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos 'Give Santa the sack - he's not the real thing' ALLAN HALL IN BERLIN GERMANS and Austrians are uniting against a kindly old man who brings joy to children all over the world. Their call: Ban Santa. Campaigners in both countries claim Santa is an invention of the Coca-Cola company in the United States and should be ditched. In Austria, "Pro Christkind" - it means "For Christ Child" - want images of the baby Jesus and St Nicholas to replace the white-wigged, portly old man dressed in Coc Cola colors, who they see as symbolic of the commercialisation of Christmas. Their campaign, with a logo featuring a picture of Santa with a red line through him, begins on 2 December, the day before the first Sunday in Advent, at an event where traditional Christmas wreaths are made. Thousands of "Santa Free Zones" stickers have been printed and pamphlets have been handed out reminding people that the traditional bringer of presents is St Nicholas. There are even kits on sale with stickers to turn chocolate Santas into St Nicholas. An internet campaign is urging people in Switzerland, Germany and Austria to sign up to promote activities that support a traditional Christmas and not the Santa-led celebrations that have appeared in recent years. In some places, such as the east Austrian town of St Wolfgang, Santa has even been banned from the local Christmas market and shopkeepers have been restricted to offering traditional Austrian products and gifts as well as typical local culinary delights. Bettina Schade, of the Frankfurter Nicholas Initiative, said: "We object to the material things, the hectic rush to buy gifts and the ubiquity of the bearded man in the red suit taking away from the core meaning of Christmas. "The Christian origins of Christmas, like the birth of Jesus, have receded into the background. It's becoming more and more a festival that is reduced to simply worldly gifts and commerce." A Swedish-American artist, Haddon Sundblom, created the jolly Santa character for Coke and it was used in advertising campaigns in the 1930s and 40s. He was based on a previous figure produced for Harper's Weekly in the 19th century by Thomas Nast, a German immigrant to the US. ------------------------- I'll give you some additional background here. In Europe, the US is not generally represented by red, white and blue, but by a red Coca Cola button. Red, white and blue, that's the military that cratered the cities in WWII, but the Coca Cola button traditionally represented commerce and rebuilding and hope, a much friendlier icon. I remember, in the sixties, when the race for the moon was still on, there was this cartoon showing the moon in one frame. In the next frame, a Russian rocket was stuck in it. Third frame had an American rocket stuck in it beside it.. Fourth frame had a Russian cosmonaut painting the moon Russian red. Fifth frame had an American Astronaut painting Coca Cola in white onto the red moon. Then Europe was rooting for the US. But now, with their muddled attempts to find a European identity, the white wigged Coca Cola man (Santa) may find his entry into European folklore barred.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Use Your Answering Machine for New Baby Info With a new baby, you can spend a lot of time fielding calls from family members when you would rather just be relaxing. One thing you can do is leave a message on your answering machine giving the baby's name, weight, gender, and it's date and time of birth. Ask people to leave a message so you can call them back at a later date. That way you can rest and they can get the information they want about your new arrival.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Craft Projects everyday at ThriftyFun! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ========================================
Thanks to Cookie for this story: The Wrong Side of the Bed Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers. ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers Pervert Alerts are now at ======================================== From Beverly Hi Dear Webby, My cousin just forwarded this email to me and I was wondering if it is true or somebody's flaky idea of screwing up everybody's else's computer. Mostly I know just enough about my PC to be dangerous, but I do know that any time you put ".exe" in a command line, something is going to happen! Setting up a shortcut of this nature might be nice, but not if its a hoax of some sort!!! I know that if anybody will know the truth about this, it is you! Thanks in advance, Beverly Right-click on your desktop Choose "New" then choose "Shortcut" In the command line that appears type (or paste) control.exe appwiz.cpl Give it a name (whatever you like) - we called ours "Remove Programs" Click "Finish" and you're done Now you have a one-click way to access your Add/Remove Programs applet without doing all those clicks. It's easier on your wrist and faster too! Dear Beverly That trick is perfectly OK. You are just calling a program that is already part of Windows, not downloading some weird and strange file from Russia. Another handy shortcut that you can make in exactly the same fashion is a call for the file explorer, already pre-set to the root of your C: drive: Paste this into the run line: explorer.exe c:\ Have FUN! DearWebby
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