Dear Webby: AOL Improvement 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  January 8, 2007

If you can dream it, you can do it.
--- Walt Disney

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
--- Dean Martin

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman
with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's
willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future.
--- Richard Jeni


Thanks to Deeli for this story:
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with
his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid
waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made
the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full
box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best
he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both
his head and butt and Mary screaming at him from across
the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could
be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could
be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could
be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


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Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended
up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me
three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she
reads  to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."


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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to AOLers AOL boasts that 99.46 % of AOLers have a higher IQ than bra size Today only 0.54% of AOLers mixed up the "FORWARD" and the "THIS IS SPAM" button. An AOL spokesman, who insisted on anonymity, speculated that the apparent increase in overall intelligence amongst AOLers is probably due to relatives of AOLers sneaking Smarties into their Christmas gifts. However, AOL wants me to do something about the AOL user malfunctions. Dear, You are receiving this message via our automated "Report Card" process (which helps analyze AOL's Internet inbound mail) because our available data indicate that's subscribers are still above the acceptable threshold for user malfunctions: 0.46% This is an automated notification. Replies to this email will not be answered. Thank you for your prompt attention to this important matter. ------------------- Well, about the only way I can attend to this important matter is to encourage all AOLers to eat more Smarties! Try to get the percentage of AOL user malfunctions down a bit. Otherwise the AOL postmaster is going to block ALL AOL uers from receiving the Humor Letter. DearWebby ===========================================
Need some unique January cards in a hurry? There is a great selection at Hicards
=========================================== Dear Webby, What is a "cozy snow bank"? See the attached picture, taken on December 3 2006 in Yarmouth Nova Scotia. Although the flowers have finally stopped blooming here, we haven't seen a "snow bank" yet this winter. Today it is 7c and sunny. Just thought I'd share. :-) Debbie ===========================================
Special New Years postcards
=========================================== A car with Massachusetts plates drove up to the Canadian customs booth I was manning. When I asked the driver his name, he looked at me strangely and asked, "How much?" I repeated my question, and this time he answered. But when I proceeded to question him further, he told me he just wanted to pay the toll and go. "You're not at a tollbooth, Sir," I patiently explained. "This is Canadian customs." The man paled. He had left Boston six hours earlier-- headed for New York City. =========================================== Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "This till can only process six items per customer. Which six items would you like to buy?" ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucille Re:Ezines through Earthlink Dear Webby, I am a fan of Gopher Central ezines. Their ads are goofy, but their content is usually good. My problem is that I subscribe to their ezines, recieve them without problem for a couple months, and suddenly they get cut off. I have them in my approved sender's list. Is there anything else I can do? I am on Earthlink. Lucille Dear Lucille When those ezines get cut off, do you need to subscribe again? In that case the problem is on Gopher Central's side. If not, then contact Earthlink Support through the member chat support, and haggle out with them whether it's your spam control or Earthlink's. Earthlink is a good dial-up provider and I have used them whenever I travel for over 10 years, but in the last few years. I found that their email is not quite reliable enough for business purposes. Your email goes out OK, but their incoming filtering is sometimes a bit heavy-handed. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos January 5, 2007 - Spartansburg, South Carolina - AP Norman Rattliff Jr.'s cell phone gave him away, police said. Authorities were able to arrest Rattliff on Wednesday night by using the global positioning system in his cell phone to track the fleeing suspect, Sheriff Chuck Wright said. Rattliff, who was wanted in West Virginia for forgery and failing to register as a sex offender, ran from officers trying to arrest him at a Spartanburg home where he had been staying for about six months, Wright said. But he didn't get far, the sheriff said. "The GPS locator on his cell phone told us about where he was, so we went and started knocking on doors," Wright said. Deputies found Rattliff in the back bedroom of one of the homes and arrested him, the sheriff said. Rattliff is awaiting extradition back to West Virginia.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Monthly Resolutions Statistically, most people don't succeed with their New Year's resolutions. If you are one of those people, try starting smaller, with weekly or monthly resolutions. If you are trying to cut down on fast food, commit yourself to not eating out for a month. It can be easier to achieve goals when the finish isn't so far in the future.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Subscribe and get access to their new -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Craft Projects everyday at ThriftyFun! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ========================================
*Helping Daddy* One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?" "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed. "Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh." Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!" ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers Pervert Alerts are now at ========================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at You can enter comments in the blog!
======================================== Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them." To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Stone Gardens
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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