Dear Webby: The Calendar 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Feb 3, 2007
======================================

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
 while they are still rolling.
---  Mark Twain

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook
If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
--- Hackers Anonymous

Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
--- James Stephens

=======================================

Thanks to Kati for this report:

New Sign in Bank Lobby
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
ATM  machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
leaving  their  vehicles. Customers using this new facility
are requested to use the  procedures outlined  below when
accessing their accounts.

 After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE  procedures
have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for
your gender.

     MALE PROCEDURE:

     1. Drive up to the cash machine.
     2. Put down your car window.
     3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
     4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
     5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
     6. Put window up.
     7. Drive off.

    **********************************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

     1. Drive up to cash machine.
     2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car
       window with machine
     3. Set parking brake, put window down.
     4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat
       to locate card
     5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and
       hang up
     6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
     7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
       its excessive distance from car.
     8. Insert card.
     9. Re-insert card right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on
       inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct  PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
       inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place
       receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card
       into appropriate slot.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

======================================

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A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and
asked her name.

"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both
of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing."

"Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked.

"My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand."
the girl answered.

"Well, those are nice names" the guy replied.

"It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"

===========================================

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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Snooties vs Hooties in Big Beaver February 2, 2007 - Troy, Michigan - AP A fight to discourage Hooters restaurant from expanding in a well-to-do Detroit suburb by blocking its liquor licence has backfired: now there are two restaurants just three kilometres apart. Troy, a high-income city of just 80,000 people and home to the state’s only Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue department stores, now has another distinction. It is the only non-resort city of its size to have two Hooters. “You come directly off the interstate and that’s the first thing you come to,” said Wade Fleming, a councilman who voted in June to reject the transfer of a liquor licence to the new Hooters restaurant from a tavern that once operated at the same location. “That starts to define Troy, I think, and that’s not how we’d like to define Troy.” Hooters executives want just one restaurant in Troy but the company won’t close the old one until it’s allowed to serve alcohol at the new restaurant, which opened Monday on a larger, more visible site. Critics are concerned that the restaurants’ servers don’t fit the image the city seeks to project in its Big Beaver commercial district. Fleming said officials are trying to make the area a “world-class corridor.” After Hooters was denied a liquor licence, it went ahead with plans for the new location, obtaining building permits and spending about US$1 million renovating what had been a dilapidated bar. Attempts to reach a compromise that would have allowed the new location to serve alcohol failed. Sixteen dry beer taps stared back at the patrons who lined the bar this week but manager Mark Grant said the lack of alcohol didn’t hurt opening-day business. And it didn’t faze the mostly male, mostly business-lunch crowd at the restaurant Tuesday. “I think the Troy City Council, by drawing attention to this whole situation, put Hooters in the newspapers. It kind of backfired somewhat,” said Dave Sanback, who lives and works in Troy. He came with two co-workers and ordered the buffalo chicken sandwich — “the waitress’s favourite, I might add.” ---------------------------------------------- They call their commercial district "Big Beaver", but get snooty about some poor innocent, and in Michigan apparently almost extinct, good looking waitresses. You can download the 2007 Hooters Calendar free. Just right-click this link and select SAVE AS. 2007 Hooters Calendar http://webby.com/humor/i/hooters2007.jpg Print it out for your favorite hooters fan. By the way, if they want to turn Big Beaver into a "world-class corridor", welcoming nice restaurants like Hooters would help them a lot more than all the dingy truckstop diners they have. If I am hungry, I'll pull off the freeway for a Hooters, or a Denny's, but JOE'S DIESEL CHICKEN just makes me check how far it is to a slighlty classier town. Have FUN! DearWebby ===========================================
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=========================================== A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so you will know what to do. Inside, a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest. When they got outside, the son asked how he knew that she was cleaning too much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen, the floor was so clean that there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere. When they arrived at the next house, the father told his son that it was his turn to examine the patient. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, and made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. He told the woman that she was doing too much church work, and needed to cut down on what she did. When the two doctors went outside, the old doctor asked the young one how he knew that she was doing too much church work. The young one said, "Well, when I bent down to pick up my pen, I saw the preacher under the bed." =========================================== Interview Phrases Translation Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization. Meaning: I've used Microsoft Works. Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable. Meaning: I pilfer office supplies. Phrase: I take pride in my work. Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes. Phrase: I am very cooperative. Meaning: I don't have headaches. Phrase: I'm personable. Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. Phrase: I am very adaptable. Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot. Phrase: I am on the go. Meaning: I'm never at my desk. Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed. Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: George Re: Stripmail Dear Webby, Do you have the URL that I can use to download 'Stripmail'? Thanks - George Dear George Just go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Scroll down a bit till you see the stop sign with the AOL flag (>>>) on it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos February 2, 2007 - Forden, Welshpool, Wales - Ananova A rottweiler has been helping to rear two lambs born in need of extra love and attention in Wales. Molly has been using her maternal instincts to help owner, farmer Maria Foster, rear two lambs called Lucky and Charm. Ms Foster, a 38-year-old mother-of-two from Forden, Welshpool, said drastic action was needed to improve their circulation following a traumatic birth last Friday. "We had to put them in the Aga to warm them up, and as soon as did so, Molly was all over them licking their faces," she said. Molly slept with the pair at night, and even protected them from other animals. "The first 12 to 24 hours for a lamb are absolutely crucial and if Molly hadn't been doing what she was doing, I would have had to have been there rubbing the lambs through most of the night to keep their circulation going," said Ms Foster. "She could have ignored them but she didn't and it is quite comical to see." Ms Foster added: "The cat came into the kitchen the other day and walked over to the bucket where the lambs were sleeping, but Molly pushed her away as if to say: 'They are mine.' "She will let the sheepdog have a look, but only for so long before she pushes him away as well."
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uneven Cake Layers Sometimes you bake a cake layer that comes out just a little bit lopsided. Level the layer with a serrated knife. Then apply a coat of frosting to the rough edge leftover from the cut. Let the frosting dry before frosting the rest of the cake. If serrated knifes just make it worse for you, like they do for me, try my trick: Put a book into a plastic bag and put it into the cake pan. Lay the cooled cake on top of that. Youmay have to use a thicker or thinner book to raise the cake just enough so that the planned cut line is level with the edge of the pan. Then take some dental floss and "saw" what is sticking above the edge off. The cake pan's top edge is a perfect guide and you will get a much smoother cut than with a knife. Just keep the floss good and tight while you saw with 4-5 inch left-right strokes towards you. Floss normally cuts much smoother than a knife, but if you need a perfectly smooth and not too absorbent top for a thin hard chocolate glaze, turn the cut layers upside down. If you greased the pan a bit, then the bottom will be better. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers _________________________________________________________ Pervert Alerts are now at http://posty.net/pervertalerts/ _________________________________________________________
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======================================== Q :What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia? A: One of them is organized. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Hand Art http://snipurl.com/197to
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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