Dear Webby: AOL User Malfunctions 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Feb 8, 2007

I believe life is a series of near misses. A lot of what we
ascribe to luck is not luck at all. It's seizing the day and
accepting responsibility for your future.
--- Howard Schultz


6 days to Guilt Day.
Forget Valentines Day, and you'll find out why it's called
Guilt Day.

Jump on over to the Cardmasters World Championship
and pre-send your Valentines Cards from the best
card sites in the world. At the same time, you can vote for
the best sites. Your votes will deterine the winner.


Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my
husband and me for a visit. After driving endlessly through
unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart,
my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar & Grill -- Tank
Parking Available."


, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!


Thanks to Lori for this story:
No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she
has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely
death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she
was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed
to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window.
"Look," she whispered, "death row."


Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rescue crews in Rosvick, Sweden Report sent in by Karl in DenCo Snip-happy A taxi operator had one less car in his fleet on Tuesday after rescue services mistakenly cut the roof off a Mercedes Benz E 270. One of Hans Lantto's drivers was out on a job near Rosvik in northern Sweden when he came across an accident. A bus had collided with a car, leaving two people injured. The driver stopped to see if he could help, newspaper NSD reports. With temperatures down to a perishing -25 degrees Celsius, the two injured parties walked over to the car and asked if they could take shelter inside. "Being a nice guy he let them sit there. One of them was shaking like a leaf," Lantto told NSD. Together they waited for emergency services to arrive. Soon Hans Lantto received a call from the bus driver, who has been in a state of shock ever since. The driver explained that emergency services had begun arriving in numbers. They asked where they could find the two people who had been injured. He pointed them in the direction of the taxi and a decision was quickly taken to slice the taxi's roof off. Fearing for Lantto's taxi, the driver informed the rescue workers that the pair were just warming up and taking shelter in the taxi and had in fact been injured while travelling in a totally different vehicle. But a decision had been taken and there was nothing the incredulous taxi driver could do to stop it. Rather than ask whether the victims were in a fit state to get out of the car, emergency services proceeded with operation roof removal. "I don't know who made the decision, whether it was medical staff or rescue services," said Lantto. His next problem is to convince his insurance company that he is not making it up. "They said it wasn't possible," said Lantto, who is determined not to pay for any damage. Rescue services in Piteň have said that the decision was correct, having been made after consultation between rescue staff and medical personnel. Per Isaksson, who led the rescue operation, stands by the decision. ===========================================
Need some unique January cards in a hurry? There is a great selection at Hicards
=========================================== Thanks to Kati for this picture: Landing is going to hurt! ===========================================
Happy Valentine's Day Greeting Cards
=========================================== Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. "Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married." Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?" "No",replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may notbe taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'" ===========================================
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=========================================== For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "We're saved!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Sure," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!" ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: AOL Postmaster Re: AOL USER MALFUNCTION. The newest AOL report, about Tuesday's results, shows that they experienced a 0.44% rate of AOL USER MALFUNCTIONS. Dear AOL victims Please try to sober up enough before reading your mail, so that you don't accidentally hit the THIS IS SPAM button on your phone bill, court summons or Humor Letter. It makes you look stupid and provokes your postmaster into acting even more incompetent than he normally is. Remember, the THIS IS SPAM button is not a vote button, even if a joke hits too close to home. Every time you hit that button on legitimate mail, it is counted as another AOL USER MALFUNCTION. Full moon is over now, so please smarten up! If any of you know how to contact a live person at AOL, please tell them that their pathetic sniveling about AOL USER MALFUNCTION.S just makes ALL AOLers look stooopid. We know that a certain percentage actually is, but there is no need to advertise that. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos February 6, 2007 - Halifax, Nova Scotia - Canadian Press For any student who has struggled to pay for tuition while dining on macaroni and cheese, finding an abandoned wad of $10,000 in cash would be too good to be true. But when Jaime Hawkins of Riverview, New Brunswick, stumbled upon a "loaf-of-bread-sized" stack of $20 bills next to a bank machine at Saint Mary's University in Halifax, the finance major immediately realized he couldn't keep the loot. "I was just so overwhelmed with the amount of money," Hawkins, 29, said Tuesday, about four weeks after the incident. "It just felt like the right thing to do to hand it over. I had this little voice inside of me that said, 'It's not yours. Hand it in.' " The stack, wrapped in elastic bands and barely visible beneath a shelving unit, was mistakenly left behind by two security guards who were refilling the machine in the student union building. Although it was short-lived, Hawkins said he enjoyed his newfound fortune by pumping his money-filled fist into the air and yelling, "party time" as astonished cafeteria-goers looked on, mouths agape. He then handed the entire stack to a worker at the student union building, who was "taken aback" when presented with the loot. Hawkins said he "feels good" about his decision even though he is now strapped for cash. About a week after finding the money, he discovered his New Brunswick student loan had been reassessed, meaning he'll receive nearly $6,000 less than he initially thought. An extra $10,000 would have come in handy, especially for a student with a debt load of close to $50,000. "I've had a lot of people tell me that I was an idiot for handing it in," he said, laughing. "But at the same time, they say, 'You're a good guy for doing that.' " Toronto-based Group 4 Securicor, the firm that misplaced the money, said Hawkins and the student union building worker would each receive $500 rewards. "It's nice to know there's honest people in the world with integrity, whose mothers raised them right," said company spokeswoman Robin Steinberg, adding she believed the money had been there for "a very short time span."
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Removing Bugs from Your Car Baking soda is great for removing bugs from your car before you wash it. Just put a little soda on a wet sponge and smear it on the bugs, then wash as usual. The more bugs you have the more soda you will need. By Dyann We don't have a lot of bugs here in Alberta at this time of year. Actually it's snowing right now. When using baking soda, keep in mind that it is abrasive, and harder than the top coat of your cars paint job or the window. Don't scrub too hard when you try that! A little squirt with DW40, a minute before you use a regular washer, does the trick quite nicely, even for very high speed splats, that almost went right through the paint. By the way, DW40 also lifts tar splatters. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ========================================
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix... The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind... Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!" ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers _________________________________________________________ Pervert Alerts are now at _________________________________________________________
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at You can enter comments in the blog!
======================================== I look forward to your email everyday. It is one that no matter how busy I am, I always read yours. It makes a busy hectic day worth it so when I get home, I get my chuckle and laugh. Donna NF ----------------------------- I want to offer a giant THANKS for making my day every day. Each day, I vote for your humor letter. I'm terribly disappointed that the numbers are going up so slowly. It's so simple for your readers to do. The only time I don't vote is if I don't get to read my mail one day; since I can't vote twice the next day, I can't give one vote for every time I read. Thank you SO MUCH. Tess ---------------------------------- thanks Webby for sending me the Humor Letter I always get a kick out of the jokes and the tips are really good Please keep up the good work, Anne Some times I don't get the pictures are they censored Dear Ann Whenever the cons at censor your pictures, just go to and see what everybody else got in their mail. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Black and orange, volcanoes at night
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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