Dear Webby: Centering 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  April 1, 2007
======================================

We talk about defining moments,
but I think nothing can define you.
They're all 'refining' moments.
--- Sheryl Crow

=======================================

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
ruddy complexion, he said,
"High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" he asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said.
"How could your wife's family give you high blood
pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church.  Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School.  Ole went on
Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the
year.

One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena
and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward
and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New
Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.

Ole was tickled as all get out.  All week long he polished
his old Ford truck.  On Friday he picked up Lena and took her
to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena,
vould you a cocktail before supper?"

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it.
After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack
of cigarettes, offering Lena one.

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"

Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed.
On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel,
he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to
lose.

"Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.

Ole couldn't believe his luck.  He whipped his Ford into the
parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office,
checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel
room.

The next morning Ole got up first.  He looked at Lena lying on
the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow.  "Vat have I
done, vat have I done?" Ole thought.  He shook Lena awake.
"Lena, I've got to ask you von thing."

"Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.

"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"The same ting I alvays tell dem.  You don't have to drink and
smoke to have a good time."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a German plastic surgeon OOOPS! March 18, 2007 - Munich, Germany - Ananova A German belly dancer has been awarded £12,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks. Julia 'Cleopatra' Meyer, 38, from Munich, wanted slimmer thighs and instead ended up with half her bum missing. The court heard that during the liposuction the plastic surgeon, not named, from a private clinic, had removed fat from her right buttock instead of her thighs. She said: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing. "When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away." A consultant at the Berlin Charité hospital asked for an expert opinion said it was a "grave error in treatment". The court heard the woman can no longer perform. She does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks. The surgeon has been ordered to pay her £12,000 - twice the £6,000 she had been seeking. ===========================================
Need some unique March cards in a hurry? There is a great selection at Hicards MARCH
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli for this picture: Never annoy a back-hoe operator! =========================================== A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States...." ===========================================
LEGAL Music 25 FREE downloads Just 33 cents or less after that. Ready for iPod or burning onto CD or playing off your computer. Click on the button or go to http://webby.com/emusic
=========================================== You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "branding." There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. ============================================ Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trevor Re: Centering HTML Dear Webby What is the correct way to center HTML, is it <.center> or <.div align="center"> ? Thanks Trevor Dear Trevor You can use either method. The threat that the old <.center> would become obsolete seems to have been ignored by everybody. Just remember to turn off any font formatting that you had turned on inside that centered area, before you turn off the centering. otherwise you will get unexpected results. You can turn on and off font formatting like size or color either both inside the centering, or both outside the centering, but not "on" inside the centering and "off" outside of it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2007 - Southaven, Mississippi - AP Two supermarket workers gave a whole new meaning to their job description when they bagged a man who police said had grabbed a customer's purse and tried to flee. Southaven police Capt. Cliff Freeman said the woman was inside the Kroger supermarket earlier this week when the purse snatching occurred. He said two grocery baggers, ages 17 and 20, heard her scream and took off in pursuit of the culprit. The baggers were faster. ''They tackled him hard,'' Freeman said. ''His collarbone was broken when he hit the pavement.'' Richard H. Blow, 33, of Memphis, was arrested and charged with petit larceny and possession of drug paraphernalia, Freeman said. Freeman said the customer, a 60-year-old Memphis woman, was not injured and her purse was returned. The names of the two store employees were not made public.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 3empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Long reach lighter To light a gas barbecue or stove or furnace pilot light you can use a piece of spaghetti or spaghettini. Uncooked.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with my laptop, a coffee and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!" =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you got to put up with some of the weirdest idiots you can imagine!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: 30 years of StarTrek http://uspsjedimaster.com
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





[ view entry ] ( 3 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |  related link  |   ( 3 / 517 )

<<First <Back | 142 | 143 | 144 | 145 | 146 | 147 | 148 | 149 | 150 | 151 | Next> Last>>