Dear Webby: Polite Language 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  May 13, 2007

Happy Mothers Day!

======================================

Two words never heard
In polite conversation
"Microsoft Vista"
--- Dave, ThinkGeek Techie Haiku Winner

Please let's keep this polite. If you have an urge to talk
dirty, please contact the vendor who conned you into
buying a Vista machine.

=======================================

Thanks to Rubye for bringing back this Mother's Day Classic:

"25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER"
 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born
in a cave?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and they will turn out just like YOU" !!!

======================================

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Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave
$50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would
you have?"
"Well, it sure would be no orgy!" Johnny  answered,
"Helen, my girlfriend, would bust my skull for that!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to City Hall in Palermo, Sicily Chicago style electioneering May 4, 2007 - Sicily, Italy - AFP Palermo's city hall has hired 110 new bus drivers -- none of whom have a license to drive a bus, sources said Friday. The hirings have come ahead of May 13 and 14 local elections in the Sicilian city. Election season in Sicily often brings revelations of questionable municipal hirings, a practice denounced by critics as a vote-winning tactic. Italian paper Corriere della Sera reported the bus driver hirings on Friday and source close to the public transport president confirmed them. "For the moment, we can't do anything with them," the source said. "As long as they have not earned their permits, they are paid but must wait to be assigned." ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Sue for sending this picture of her Mellow Yellow roses! =========================================== had been misbehaving and was sent to bed. After a while emerged and informed mother that had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you about your misbehaving, He will help you." "Oh, I don't need help with misbehavin' ", said . "I asked Him to help me not to get caught quite so much." ===========================================
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=========================================== Sue noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lollytoo Re: Unavailable At 09:29 AM 5/12/2007, Lollytoo@***.com wrote: Hello, I am unavailable to read your message at this time. Dear Lollytoo You don't really have to tell me each time when you are busy playing with yourself. DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos May 8, 2007 - Twin Falls, Idaho - AP Glenn Goodlove said he was likely smooching with a girl in the expansive back seat of a 1946 Hudson when his wallet slipped from his pants pocket more than five decades ago. The year was 1952. Goodlove was a sailor home on leave from the U.S. Navy. The Hudson belonged to his grandfather, who lived in Western Washington. He'd long since forgotten about the lost leather billfold, until last month when he got a phone call from a pair of southern Idaho car collectors, Jon Beck, 61, and Chuck Merrill, 72, both from Twin Falls, told him they'd found the wallet. Inside were a $10 bill, a $1silver certificate, military identification, Social Security card and a handwritten Washington state driver's license. ''If it was in my sailor-mentality years, I might have attempted to, as they said in those years, 'make out,''' Goodlove, who now lives in California, told the Twin Falls Times-News, on why the wallet went missing. After an Internet search, Beck found Goodlove, now 75, at his home in San Diego.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 5empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Tupperware Unstained In order to keep your Tupperware looking new, try this. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces. There won't be any stains, it should all just wash out.
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A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. That will be $100. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith: "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office... =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two.... ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:: Soap Sculptures http://tinyurl.com/2ddk39
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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