Dear Webby: Make your own screen saver 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  May 27, 2007

Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.
--- Paul Boese

Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.
--- Lauren Bacall


A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant;
first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and
forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second
customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have
an air conditioner."


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Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also
a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass
scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was
not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the
aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask
the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need
for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives
were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one
woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.


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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Antonucci, 58 of Plymouth, England Easy Come, Easy Go May 12, 2007 - Plymouth, Devon, UK - Daily Mirror A lottery winner has spent his 2.8million ($ 5.5million) fortune and gone back to the job he quit when he won the jackpot 12 years ago. Michael Antonucci, 58, became one of Britain's first lotto winners after borrowing a tenner from his mum to buy tickets. He spent the cash on a boat, a nightclub, luxury properties, dabbling in different businesses and a 12 week marriage to a topless model. But now Michael's back at his old trade - buying junk furniture and exporting it to the United States from a lock-up in Plymouth, reports the Daily Mirror. He said: "It was an experience I would never have had if I had not won the lottery. He spent 750,000 on a former convent, 300,000 opening a furniture store which failed, 40,000 on launching a pop band, and also tried running a pub and a massage parlour. His wedding to glamour girl Kelly Arkins, 22, on a beach in the Bahamas, cost 10,000. ===========================================
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=========================================== =========================================== An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb!" ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Linda for this story: As the owner of a clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action. When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he said. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carlie Re: Screen Savers Dear Webby I got all kinds of mail telling me that I need to buy a screen saver to protect my monitor. Is there any truth to that? Carlie Dear Carlie It's true that you need a screen saver, but totally untrue that you need to buy one. There are a bunch of them included with Windows and you can use any of them for free. You can also make your own for free. Right-click on the desktop, select Properties, Screensaver select My Pictures. Then it will use the pictures that you have in your "My Pictures" folder. Depending on who might see your screen saver, discretion is advised regarding to what kind of pictures you got in that folder. The picture of your boss getting arrested after the Christmas party might be hilarious, but it will probably be considered undiplomatic, if it shows up while you are out to lunch. Aside from those considerations, any pictures will work. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos May 13, 2007 - Ottawa, Ontario, Canada - CNews Most people raise money for their charity of choice by doing a walkathon or canvassing door-to-door. Not Roy Berger. The 41-year-old Ottawa man shattered a world record yesterday by completing 1,009 fist push-ups in 16 minutes and 57 seconds. The special education teacher's efforts were to help raise money for Christie Lake Camp, a summer camp for underprivileged children. In front of a crowd of about 100 at the Westgate Shopping Centre's food court, the tall, lean man with a shaved head and tattoos bobbed up and down in 30-push-up intervals before smashing the record.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Packing Peanuts For House Plants Use packing peanuts to create a drainage layer in the bottom of your planter. This is wonderful for large planters because it helps keep them lighter. Make sure to use styrofoam peanuts because biodegradable peanuts will decompose.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ========================================
Since this is their first party and the wife hasn't done much cooking, the husband suggests they order out for Chinese food and she could bake a cake for dessert. She agrees, but on Friday afternoon, the wife calls her husband in tears. "The only recipe I can find is for a cake that will feed four," she says. "Why don't you just double the recipe?" her husband asks. Just before quitting time the husband gets another call from her, and this time she is frantic. "I just can't do it," she says. "It's impossible." "Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, I doubled everything, just like you said," she tells him, "and it's ready to go in the oven." "Then what's the problem?" he asks. The wife sobs. "The book says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees. I've checked the oven and it doesn't go up to 700 degrees!" =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at
======================================== I'm also a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford." Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:: Legacy of light
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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