Dear Webby: Computer Orientation 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  June 22, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
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"You are successful the moment you start moving
toward a worthwhile goal."
--- Chuck Carlson

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
--- Saint Augustine

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Thanks to Kati for this story:
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day
to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world
problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really
got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at
the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last
of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and
behold! --there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world
happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and,
at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention? What's your excuse"?

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about?
I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me!"

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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Madalina Nesan, 29, Constanta, Romania Bimbo malfunction June 21, 2007 - Constanta, Romania - Ananova A Romanian woman has been fined for reporting her car stolen then realizing she'd left it in a supermarket car park. Madalina Nesan, 29, told officers she was "so excited" to try her new bargain shoes that she completely forgot about the car. She had called the police when she couldn't find her car in its usual place near her flat in Constanta. Police investigations were just getting underway when the woman called back the next day to explain the confusion. She told officers she had driven to the nearby supermarket in her new Peugeot 206 but when she finished shopping she left on foot. She had been anxious to try out some new bargain shoes she had bought because they were heavily discounted. Ms Nesan now has to add to a £70 fine for wasting police time to the cost of her shopping spree. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2383823.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian raises his head and says: "White Ford Pick-Up, 4 people in front, a dozen in the back, big party" "Wow, you can tell all that by listening to the ground ?" "Nah, I fell off the truck" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angela Re: Computer positioning Dear Webby, I have a question about the CPU unit of my desk top. I am rearranging my work/study area and was wondering if it is safe to lay the CPU down on its side and set my printer on top of it gain more space on my computer desk. I do not want to place it on the floor because I have too many animals living in my house and do not fully trust them all to behave with it on the floor. Angela Dear Angela Dear Angela The CPU doesn't care, and the hard drives don't care as long as you don't put it with the front side up. The most important consideration is good air flow behind it. Don't shove it into a desk hutch cubbyhole, no matter which way you turn it. Laying flat, with the removable side cover side up, is just fine. That is actually better than standing upright on the floor, where the main air intake at the front bottom sucks in all the dust bunnies and pet hairs off the floor and drastically reduces cooling. Yes, I know it's stupid, but they don't want computers to last forever. Try to lay it flat on the left rear corner of your desk, with the former bottom pointing away from you. That way it sucks fresh air from the left of the desk. Especially n summer, cooling of the computer is very important. While you are moving it, pop the side cover open and vacuum it out. If you are scared of large herds of dust bunnies, get somebody else to do it, but don't neglect that chore! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 19, 2007 - Kansas City, Missouri - Gimundo Robert Lewis had just finished a 17-hour day working his two jobs, one as an airline worker at Kansas City (Mo.) International and the other as a bell captain at the Kansas City Airport Marriott. As he was leaving the hotel, he spotted an orange bag in the middle of the road. “I knew it was a lost cargo bag,” Lewis said. He pulled over and looked inside. The 40-pound bag was filled with individually wrapped diamond and wedding rings. Lewis admits that for a split second, he pondered keeping the loot. “I thought, ‘I could bury this in my backyard and then pull it out when I’m 60 years old or so,’” he said. But that’s not what he did. He promptly called police. It turns out that the jewelry belonged to Helzberg Diamonds, and it had once been on a Brinks truck. Estimated value: $266,000. Last week, Helzberg announced it would give Lewis a $10,000 reward, plus make a $5,000 donation to a charity in his honor. Lewis said he will use the money to pay off bills and start a savings account for his children. “They could have just told me ‘thank you’ and walked away,” he said, “so I truly appreciate this.” http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/323
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 6Aempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Moisturizing While You Garden Gardening, even with gloves on, can dry out your hands. Apply petroleum jelly or hand lotion to your hands before putting on your gardening gloves and your hands will be soft and smooth after a day of gardening.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize that this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?" "Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" roared the father angrily. "Her obstetrician and her lawyer!" replied the young man. ============================================= HORSE VS MAN IN GAS BLOWOUT Babe was an old black mountain of a horse. Placid, sweet tempered, all she wanted was food, water plus some human attention. I had bought her to add to a string of horses used for trail riding. City folk got a real kick out of riding for a few hours then being able to complain about who's bottom was the most sore. Babe loved to graze on the rich grass, seldom lifting her head to come up for air. I didn't realize she had a problem until she was on her first trail ride. She would stop often, lift her tail, and fart. Not a regular horsy passing of gas. These were long, drawn out , noisy blasts. At first it was funny. After an hour the people behind Babe started to look green. One smart mouthed dude snickered, and hollered that the old flea bag of a horse could run competition with is wife for having the most hot air. The grizzled trail boss snorted and said, "Stupid thing to say. Ya jest don't talk about wimen like that!" The dude's wife was on kitchen duty. He ate his meal, saying it tasted odd. She threw his bedroll out of the tent, snapping at him to keep Baby company. Wicked lady. Whatever she put in his food, had him passing gas just like the horse. Long drawn out farts. We lay in our tents laughing like loons. First Babe, then the man took turns with explosive, high pressure gas blowouts. The stench from both man and horse was revolting. We closed our tent flaps to keep the aroma at bay. At dawn his wife told her dude husband he had won first place for, " Hot Stinky Airbag," award of the night! The old trail boss hooted with glee, pounding the fellow on his back, saying, "Ya never trust a female. Don't ya know, they always git even!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: A FARM WAS SOLD to some city folks. The old farmer next door was out one day and saw the new neighbor planting in his garden. The farmer watched as the man would dig a hole, set a tomato plant and pour in a shot of whiskey. The farmer couldn’t help but ask what he was planting. “Stewed tomatoes,” was the reply. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Food Art
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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