Dear Webby: Numeric Key pad 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 12, 2007
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There is no failure except in no longer trying.
--- Elbert Hubbard

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Thanks to Dianne for this story:
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my
vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from
a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully,
then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in
for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there
are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw
him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."

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Thanks to Unc Wes for this story:
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way
home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very
sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight,
skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I
would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his
composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would
like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in
nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I
would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist
on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates,
St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took a bus.

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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to July 9, 2007 - London, UK - AFP A female Muslim juror has been arrested in Britain after allegedly listening to an MP3 player under her hijab headscarf during a murder trial, police said Monday. The woman in her early 20s was spotted by a fellow juror listening to music as she was meant to be helping try the case of a pensioner accused of bludgeoning his wife to death after 50 years of marriage. She could now be charged with contempt of court and, if convicted, may be punished with an indefinite jail sentence and an unlimited fine. Details emerged after the defendant was convicted and Judge Roger Chapple lifted a reporting restriction which prevented previous publication of the details for fear of disrupting proceedings. The woman had repeatedly arrived late for hearings at Blackfriars Crown Court, central London, and prosecuting lawyer Peter Clarke asked for her to be dismissed. The judge initially refused, saying it was not necessary, but a day later, he received a note from another juror suggesting that the woman may have been listening to music during the defendant's evidence. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070709/o ... ourt_islam ===========================================
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=========================================== My nephew, Greg, is back "on the road". Thought you'd like this. Martin Glacier lilies (Erythronium grandiflorum), Middle Two Medicine Lake, Glacier National Park (Montana) =========================================== THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is "gross". And the other one is "cool". Are there any questions?" After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... "So, what are they?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helga Re: Numeric keys for laptop Dear Webby The numeric keypad keys on my laptop are dual-function keys embedded in the regular keyboard. It does have the numbers again on top, but I can't get any speed going with those. Is there a solution for that? Thanks Helga Dear Helga Yes, you can get numeric keypads quite cheaply. For example Dalco sells them for about $10. They just plug into any USB port and act like the standard numeric key pad on the side of a regular keyboard. Do yourself a long term favor and use it on the left side of the laptop keyboard. That frees your right hand for making checkmarks or notations on the data that you enter. You will be surprised how fast you can learn to operate it with the left hand without looking at it. If you go to a Surveyor or Engineering supply store, you can even get a thigh holster for them, so that you can use it quite conveniently and comfortably if you have no space beside the laptop. When you got a lot of paperwork spread out, that can make a huge difference. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 9, 2007 - Claremont, California - UPI A thief who stole a chandelier from the rear entry of a California boutique was caught when the store owner conducted her own sting operation. Brenda Monahan, who runs the Three French Hens boutique in Claremont, was burgled of a box containing a $1,400 chandelier. She then set out a less valuable chandelier and trained the building's security cameras on it, The Los Angeles Times reported. Through the security camera, Monahan got a good look at the thief. She later set out other ceiling fixtures and alerted the police. When the thief showed up at the expected time, police nabbed him, the Times reported. Upon inspecting the accused thief's house, police found the other light fixtures that had been stolen, the newspaper said. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-211320-285437
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Weight Loss Eat an apple and drink a full glass of water before eating dinner. Both are good for you and will allow you to feel full more quickly. This will prevent you from eating too much of the actual dinner, which may not be as good for you.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' break room saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too." ============================================= An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake do we still have intercourse?" Jake answered, "Nah, I told you last time already. We have Blue Cross!" ============================================= REAR END TACTIC My dad had a small terrier type dog named Sam. He was just a small brown tog, with a huge dog attitude. Sam had it in for cats. If one dared to cross his path, the battle was on. Most dogs will chase a cat, catch up to it, usually getting his nose slapped by a paw loaded with hot needles. The dog will do some barking before they part company. Sam had his own unique way of battling with cats. He'd had his fill of being slapped by hot feet. He learned a new tactic that had dad rolling around laughing. He'd spot a cat and do his best ferocious barking. He'd wait until the cat had puffed out to four times it's size, then he'd charge. Most cats stood their ground. That's when the fun started. At least for dad. Sam would race up to the cat. Just before reaching it he'd spin his body around in mid flight. His rump would slam into the poor kitty, knocking them off their feet. He was a sturdy dog, when he threw his hindquarters at the cat, the startled feline would go sailing, wondering if it should stay and fight, or leave. If they stayed, Sam would repeat his rear end maneuver. The cat would eventually leave looking very ruffled and dazed. My dad would howl watching Sam throw his weight around. They would take up sentry duty, waiting for the next cat to walk into the yard. I thought they were both slightly batty. The cat's got smart. They sat on the fence around the property, where Sam would go slightly berserk. He hated it when a cat would perch high up to gaze down on him. The cats loved it. I think they were just getting even! Stormy O' =============================================
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======================================== A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. "What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Live painter
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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